HE WHO DARES BASED ON IDEAS BY LUKE CLAYTON Murder! Seventeen across, six letters.

predetermined killing of another I have had a busy few days recently, but I had decided that today should be a lazy day. I was sat, as I usually am nowadays, in my favourite green armchair in my sister Kate's apartment. Helvettica Truce, Kate's lovely flatmate, was fast asleep on the long settee. It was a really lovely day. Streaks of light were shining through the large window I was sat next too, which collided with the blueness of the smoke from my cigarette. I had been lazily watching the smoke dance around with the light for a few minutes, but soon tired of it and decided to do the crossword. Been working on it for a good few tea's now. So far, I have one answer. Kate will be annoyed with me. She loves to do crosswords. She's a crossword maniac. I decided that I should stop the crossword, it was going nowhere. Unlike my most recent case. If you have been keeping up with my memoirs, then you will already know about some goings on at Oxford university. For those of you who haven't (honestly, some people, eh?), i'll explain it to you. Oxford university have contacted me about repeated acts of sabotage towards their racing boats. The annual Oxford/Cambridge boat race is due to happen in two day's time, and the Oxford boating team have been losing out on training for the event. Very recently I found out that the culprit is none other than the Neighbours of Zero, an underground criminal gang. The Neighbours run illegal bets on events, and fix the outcome so that they always win. They are led by the notorious cad, Voisins De Zero. Young, rich and incredibly greedy, this Con-Man makes sure that he gets whatever he wants, and as ruthlessly as he possibly can. He was once a big social player in London, but after one fateful bet, he lost it all. He bet on Germany winning the war. It was later found out that he sold out his country by selling the battle plans for the Somme to the enemy, hoping that it would be a big enough defeat to cost Britain the war. As you know, he failed, and has since gone of the radar, so to speak. Turns out he is here in Oxford. The are two other members. Orphelins, Voisins' handyman. He makes sure that Voisins gets what he wants. The other is the master of disguise, Miss Tierra. Nobody knows anything about her. I have since found out, after a brief chat with Voisins, that the neighbours have interest in the race. Unsurprising, I guess. Why else would they want to destroy some boats? But knowing the neighbours, there is something very big and very dangerous prepared for the race. I have to find out what that will be. As far as I can see, I can make two moves now. I can meet with Anti Depressant Man, and ask him what he knows. Or, I can contact Voisins directly. I've decided to do both. But that is for to-morrow. Today, as I have said, is my lazy day. Its my nearly lazy day, at least. I do have a few things to do. I'm meeting with a man at the office rental (I've decided to get an office), I'm wine-ing and dine-ing tonight with my Love, Florence Knight, and i'm meeting Anti Depressant Man at Scarecroe for drinks. (pleasure, not business, you understand). Ah, the hectic life of a Rainy Day Man... a tiny bit of paint had chipped away from the ceiling and had landed in my Tea. All I could do for a few minutes was stare at the offending piece of white in my hazel coloured tea. Eventually I plucked up the strength to get out of my chair and go to the kitchen. As I stood, I could feel the whole of my body whine from no longer being

comfortably sat down. as I meandered over to the kitchen, I heard a familiar voice yawn I'll have a tea from the front room. Helvettica had woken up. She was still in that half asleep state that you find yourself in when you have just been asleep, everything is blurry still, and not all there. Turning back, I saw the top of her blonde hair, all frazzled from where she had been sleeping, appear over the top of the settee. right-o I called back in acknowledgement. Moments later, I was back in the front room with two teas, one with 2 sugars. I was instantly back in my chair and back into comfort. Helvettica fully woke up after a few sips. At first, she appeared slightly bemused at her location, as if she hadn't seen the room before. Her voice, which had been slightly rasped and croaky from sleep, had returned to normal, and her eyes were open. She was sat upright, doing her hair. Where's Kate? I asked. I had put the paper down, and drew out two more cigarettes. not sure, Helvettica replied, taking one and lighting it. I was waiting for her last night, and I must have fallen asleep on the settee. she might have got in late hmm Helvettica said, absent mindedly. Morning all! Kate said cheerfully as she strolled in. she usually is dead to the world in the mornings, but today she was the bright and happy self that you usually see later on in the day. Helvettica and I looked up, surprised. Kate slumped herself next to Helvettica, and picked up the paper. what's everyone's plans today? nothing we both replied. oh. How about we go out? where? there's his new place opening today. Does coffee and sandwiches. Called Corocco's yeah, OK. Hellie, you coming? 'course and with that, we found ourselves at Corocco's. It was a lovely little place, down the back of a small street near the city centre. When we entered I was overcome with a feeling of moodiness. The place is lit with old Victorian gas lamps, which shine of the pale Mediterranean yellow walls to create a feeling of secrecy and intrigue. We went into this long rectangular room, which had an old fireplace running in the back. The whole place stank of fresh bread, like the marina of an Italian coastal town (starting to see a theme emerging...). The room was full of long red settees, and smallish wooden tables to accompany each one. we sat down on a settee to the left of the fire, and I lit another cigarette. Despite its scantily lit design, it was very cosy. We soon found ourselves lazing back, blowing plumes of blue smoke into the air above. Kate came back with a black tray, the sort you get in buffets on ships, with three long, cone glasses full of the enticing looking brownish liquid that you call coffee. I, personally, have only tried it once, and I recall not liking it. Hugh Kate handed me one of the cones. I looked into the liquid. Tally ho? I took a long glug. I was surprised, it was really nice! Like a bitter kick in the tongue. There was a glass jar full of sugar and a spoon on the table, and I ladled three spoonfuls in before I was fully satisfied with the taste. All of a sudden, I felt... sophisticated. High class and moderne. I could get used to this. Don't get me wrong, it's no cup of Darjeeling, but I'll definitely be having more coffees in the future. Florence walked in, which was surprising. I hadn't invited her, Kate or Helvettica hadn't invited her, she was just ...here. She had a friend with her, a tall, interesting looking thing, with a shock of red hair falling out of one side of her black sun hat. Hugh! Florence and her friend rolled over and slumped themselves beside me. Florence leaned in for a kiss, which wasn't as easy as it sounds, considering her massive haircut. Since our first meeting in the Scarecroe club about three weeks ago,

we have become something of an item. hello! I said, in a slightly higher pitched voice I save especially for saying hello to Girlfriends. coffee for you and...? this Florence smiled, is Miss Cherry Bakewell. Cherry Bakewell? The famous Cake baker extrordinaire? nice to meet you, Mr. Buxton-Wells. Cherry piped, in a very posh voice. Cherry Bakewell was one of Oxfords famous faces. No idea how Florence had met her, let alone befriended her. I suppose she was here for the opening. After asking, it turned out that she owned the place. right-o. Two coffees for Florence and Cherry! as I wandered around, to find the barista, I could make out the girls chatting over the other rumbles of chat from the crowds. Me and Florence have mainly been going to Necros, the most lovely restaurant you'll ever go to (even if the portions are somewhat small). She is an amazing cook. I visited her flat the other day and she made this extraordinary meal (her lactose intolerance hasn't stayed her culinary vocabulary), it was amazingly delicious. I eventually found the barista, and ordered two more cones of coffee (one black, of course). As I walked back to our table, I glanced at a shady character who I'm sure was watching me. I'll keep an eye on him if I see it again. I walked back with that idiotic smile that usually graces my face when I'm more than normally happy, and another black tray of coffee, and rejoined with the banter and pleasantness of the coffee culture. After a few coffees we were all rather hyper, and when we found out that Coroccos sells Hookahs, we got one to all share. The fruity tobacco from the Hookah and the caffeine had made us giddy and prone to spurts of over-exaggerated laughing. We must have been there for about an hour and a half, smoking, drinking, and annoying practically everyone else in the caf. We were discussing the cosy settees when our shady friend came over. Hugh Buxton-Wells? that's me I said, simply. I am Koshcei said, erm, Koshcei. We was well dressed, in a fantastically Gothic black three-piece suit, a deep red tie, and a black trilby pulled low over his head. He was carrying a walking cane with a silver snake's head as the handle. I wish to use your services which I think meant that he wants to hire me. Well, Mr. Koshcei, I am on a case at the moment, but if you would meet me at my offices in... I need you to help me, it is very urgent. May I? he gestured towards the settee opposite, and I bade him to sit. there is something amiss going on at Cambridge university, I need you to check it out and report back to me. Cambridge? I asked. This sounded interesting. Could it be linked to Oxford? the boat club Mr. Koshcei said. one of the caretakers, and two students, attending the boat club burned to death two days ago. Oo-er was all I managed. Everyone else seemed to be more shocked than I was. you have been investigating something similar in Oxford, yes? I believe the two incidents to be linked. You will go to Cambridge to identify the culprit. No I replied. we will go to meet the Culprits here. So much for my lazy day, then. Hurried on by Mr Koshcei, we all left Coroccos. When outside, Kate and Helvettica went one way down the sun-drenched road, while Florence and Cherry went down the other. Me and Koshcei boarded a Cab to take us to the Winceslas casino. Whilst on the journey, Koshcei made an awful humming sound, a sort of zoowazoo thing, which irritated me and, clearly, the driver. He stared absent minded-ly out of the window like a child on a train. We rolled up by the Winceslas casino a few minutes later. I paid the cabbie, walked past a clearly confused Koshcei and into a telephone box. I tapped in the digits and

waited for anti Depressant Man to pick up. Exactly three rings later, he did. I told him to meet us here. He would be ten minutes. What's going on? Koshcei asked. I'm getting a friend of mine to come along. responsible for the events at Oxford and Cambridge. I said, removing my gloves. by the way, how did you know who I was? your red eyes Scarlet I corrected. Anti Depressant Man soon came bounding along the pavement, and he gave a large, childish wave when he saw us. I tapped my hat in reply. We exchanged formalities and went inside, to the bar. Koshcei was annoyed at Anti Depressant man's shouting pretty much from the off, but he didn't show it. I explained to Koshcei who the Neighbours were. Koshcei looked around. any idea how we can find them? he asked. Voisins hangs out in here pretty much all of the time. He'll be in there somewhere shouted Anti Depressant Man. I have met Voisins before. I mentioned. You met him? he invited me here for a chat did you learn much? not really. He gave me a friendly warning not to go poking my nose in his business we had a few drinks and eventually built up the courage to go looking for him. All three of us left the bar, into the Winceslas Casino. It was a ridiculously posh place, chandeliers of shimmering beauty hung from the ornamentally decorated ceiling, staff and croupiers all dressed up in fancy waistcoats and sleek bow ties, the bustle of the arrogant and the posh as they threw all their riches away over the roll of a dice or the turn of a card. It was a hive of greed and power, which Anti depressant Man seemed to relish. You could see the coloured chips and the green velvet of the tables shine through his eyes, as a crack of a grin spread across his face. Like a child in a toyshop, he sped away to play the tables. Koshcei, who seemed indifferent as always, swaggered off to the poker tables. I headed for the roulette wheels. It wasn't long before I found Voisins Du Zero. I headed towards the largest crowd, and he was standing in the centre of it. smug, confident, dressed in all black spare his white tie. His cruel, thin face was concentrated on the spinning wheel, his cold grey eyes following the little white ball journey around the side, before landing on 21 black. A ripple of cheer went up, as Voisins clenched his fists in the thrill of the win. A pile of chips were shoved to his side of the table by the croupier, and Voisins moved his hand towards a small glass bowl of assorted sugar cubes. He rummaged around in it until he picked up a sizeable brown cube and put it in his mouth. The other player, who appeared to be cleaned out, left the table in a small display of fury and disappointment. I had ten pounds of chips with me, and I took my place across from Voisins at the table. Voisins. I said, extending my hand. Buxton-Wells he replied, staying static. Awkwardly, I retreated my hand. so, Vic, what's your bet? I stood there for a bit, trying to think of my next move. Most of the crowd wandered away. Vic, Voisins announced. He placed a stack of chips on 2nd 12 black. are you in? I placed half of my stack on red. It had landed on black the last time. The croupier span the wheel and let the little ball spin. There was a bit of a silence. I didn't think you'd be interested in boats. I said. Voisins smiled a creepy smile. He knew that I knew something. the boat race? Voisins replied my interests lie with Cambridge winning this year. I can... I can feel it! he ate another sugar cube greedily. I'd put my money on Oxford yeah, well, you haven't been betting for long, have you, Vic?

the ball had bounced around a bit and had decided to settle on 14 red. Success! My little pile of chips was getting a bit bigger. I turned to Voisins, beginners luck? you can joke now, Vic. Laugh it up. You see, I have quite a big steak on Cambridge this year. oh? 10 million I didn't think the neighbours would bet that much any more. I pushed my luck. didn't I hear you betted something similar on the Germans winning the first world war? I could see that I had gone too far. But, then again, why stop there? you even sold information to the Germans on the Somme, to secure a German victory. You really will do anything for a winning bet, won't you? oh dear. I went way too far, Voisins snapped, and through all his chips across the table at me. Through the confetti of red and black chips I could see him reach into his jacket for a gun. I dropped to the floor and rolled under the table. I lashed out and kicked him in the shin. He staggered back and as fast as I could, I was up and grabbing for his gun. He fired a few shots, but I disarmed him, and threw him to the table. Voisins wasn't a very good fighter. The crowd ran away, and a bigger crowd was attracted to this new scene. I had him overpowered. I pinned his arms to the table. All right then, Voisins, what's the plan? What's going to happen if Oxford wins? he started to laugh. I'd recommend, Vic, that you make sure they don't. You seem to know something of us, so I'm sure You know that the Neighbours are sore losers. I'm sure that Orphelins has whipped up something decidedly deadly. and at that, the security ran over and threw me out. I could hear Voisins laugh as I was dragged away. get outta here! I was thrown out of the casino, rolling hard on the pavement. I was surprised to find Anti Depressant Man and Koshcei standing there. well? there's something nasty going on at the universities I replied. we need to find out before the boat race! That's in Two Days! Here's the plan Anti Depressant man butted in. Koshcei, you go to Cambridge University, ill go to Oxford university, Hugh, you go to London. We'll find out what is going on and Hugh can Be there for the race. You must stop Oxford form winning! Back home, I had explained the situation to Kate and Helvettica, and was packing my things. I would spend a few days in London to see if anything was going on, and inform the peelers of the situation. They might be able to call of the race. I had 'phoned a hotel in London called the Kettle Oil hotel and booked a room. Koshcei and Anti Depressant man had the address. They would send a wire if they found out anything at the universities. I was going to pop in at Florence's flat first, to let her know what was going on. Don't really want to dive head first into danger and intrigue without letting her know, do I? I called a cab to take me there (can't carry a bag on a bike, unfortunately) and sped off. Arriving there in a few minutes, I thanked the cabbie, and rushed off into her flat building. She was flat 406. as I raced in I stopped. Something was wrong. Her post box was scratched at the keyhole. Knowing Florence, there shouldn't be scratches at the keyhole. At least, there weren't any scratches there the other day, she had asked me to check the post box and the keyhole was fine. She was a bit fussy about cleanliness, you see. Didn't lie scratches on things. She nearly denounced our whole relationship due to a nasty circle stain my teacup had left on her desk. As I mentioned earlier, Florence is a big fan of Sherlock Holmes stories, and has the keen observation skills that I myself want to have. She will have noticed the scratches. How would they have got there?

However, I have more important things to think about. I continued rushing up the stairs to 406. I'm not sure really why I was rushing. Perhaps it was because I was excited at the perils I would soon face. Deciding to slow down a bit, I continued at a leisurely pace to 406. when I was there, I knocked on the door, which swung open a tad. Letting myself in, I looked around. Things were a bit messy, and there were two cups of coffee, half drunk, on the kitchen counter. Back to my panicky mode. Bringing up a flurry of energy I didn't have, I burst in to the first room I could find, which happened to be the kitchen-slash-living room. Nothing. Then a scream from the bedroom. Spinning on my heel, I burst in through the bedroom door. Florence was held by the waist, a knife level to her throat. Her eyes were flooded with tears which had streaked down her cheeks, and she was white with fear, trembling all over and shakily breathing heavily. I couldn't see who was behind her due to all her hair getting in the way. Fortunately, I didn't need to. Because I had already got my gun ready, and had burst into the room, took a quick look at where to aim, and fired. This was, coincidentally, the second time in our relationship that I had done that. The first time, she had burned her hand on an iron, I had heard the scream and thought that she was in danger, ran in, all heroic, and blasted an old Ming vase to pieces. She wasn't happy. Florence screamed as the blast shot passed her and hit the attacker behind her. She fell to the ground, safe of the knife that was no longer at her throat, and a crimson mess exploded from what I assumed was the attackers head. Are you all right? I ran over to Florence. Through heavy sobs, she told me that she was. She didn't appear to be harmed. I put my arm around her, it's all right now, I assured her. She was still trembling a bit. She calmed down a bit, then beamed, and hugged me very tightly. Despite what had happened, she seemed to be getting back to her usual self. I instructed Florence to leave the room, told her she may still be in shock of what had happened, and to have a big cup of tea with lots of sugar in. I didn't want her to see the body. I waited until she left the room before going over to the attacker. The face was unrecognisable, but I recognised the attacker's clothes as that of what Cherry Bakewell was wearing. Florence must have invited her over, and Cherry must have heard me come in, panicked and attacked. Deary me, some people, eh? After rifling through Cherries bag, I found that she didn't have any incriminating items on her person, except for some lock-picks, though, surprisingly, none of Florence's mail. I had assumed that she had picked the lock on her post box (hence the scratches) but I was wrong. That is still a mystery, it seems. Florence was a bit calm now. I asked her what had happened. Cherry had come in, they had had coffees, and they were going to go back out to Coroccos. Florence's bag was in the bedroom, and Cherry had heard Me come in. immediately, Cherry had grabbed her and had the knife at her throat. She didn't know anything else. I told her to go to Kate and Helvettica's, and that her flat wasn't safe for the time being. I 'phoned Kate, and told her what happened. I waited until Kate had driven here and picked Florence up before I made my way to the train station. I hailed a cab, barked the address, and we sped off. As I sat back, I wondered about Cherry Bakewell. Why had she attacked? What was going on? I was aware that the Neighbours of zero's Privacy is Paramount, as they had said in their letter. Perhaps cherry worked for the Neighbours? I didn't have to wait for the answer very long. I was suddenly aware of a bowl of sugar cubes on the dashboard. Before I had time to react, Voisins turned around in the drivers chair and shot me. with a tranquillizer, apparently. He must need me alive for something. Anyway, I

slumped around a bit, used every last dying amount of energy I had to try to do something about something. Eventually I fell asleep. I awoke, somewhere. I was tied to a chair, my glasses had been removed, and my gun was gone. I had the most terrible itch where I had been shot, which was annoying me terribly, as my hands were tied and I could not get to it. I had the feeling that I had been there for a while, by body was drenched in sweat. I was aching all over. Voisins walked in, in a dull grey suit with coat-tails. He reached into his pocket and produced two sugar cubes. Was he going to offer me one? No, no he wasn't. He threw it at me, bouncing off my forehead. He laughed, and, suprisingly, picked it off the floor and ate it. Eurgh. Some people. Then again, he is keeping them in his pocket. don't do that I coughed. you don't know where my forehead has been... you shut up! he barked. He ate the other sugar cube. do you know what you have done? I don't know bloody anything! I replied. Which I didn't. I didn't know the time, or day, or where I was. I could be in shanghai or Costa Rica for all I know. Though I assumed that I was in London. you've Killed Tierra, you slimy rogue! yerwhat? Tierra. You shot her in the head. I should shoot you for this! oh. I replied. I guessed that Cherry Bakewell was not the actual Cherry Bakewell, but was in face Tierra, the master of Disguise. Well, one down, two to go... I won't, though. Voisins replied. You see, our Friend wants to talk to you. He is the one who has bet against us in the Boat race. He wants to make sure that his ten million isn't at risk. I won't talk! I said, heroically. I would do, of course, but he didn't know that. I want to know some things Voisins said. who do you work for? my employer. I lied. name? Eustace Flush-Baringtoon. I used the pseudonym name I always use. It sounded right as an employer name. Impossible. Eustace Flush-Baringtoon is the person we are betting against! really? There is a Eustace Flush-Baringtoon? I said, then instantly regretted it. I'd given my lie away. so, it all comes out, eh? Voisins sneered. you've been lying. Your just by yourself, aren't you! No police, nothing! Well, seeing as you are so determined to find out what will happen at the boat race, which, you may like to know, starts in twenty minutes, I shall tell you. The information is of no use to you now! There are bombs placed in each university. If Cambridge lose, and I lose my ten million, I shall set both bombs off. The destruction of the two most historic universities in Britain, not to mention a massive loss of life, will satisfy me greatly! Voisins laughed. I could not believe what I was hearing. I didn't realise that the Neighbours of zero were that violent, that murderous for greed and money. I could not hide the horror and disgust on my face. Voisins was about to interrogate me more when two people entered the room. One was a ridiculously fat, ugly monster of a man, squeezed into a greasy Tuxedo, with heavily oiled hair and moustaches. The other person was Koshcei. He was, sadly, carried in in the fat man's ugly fat arms, very dead. The Gothic suit was stained red, and the face was little more than caved in. Orphelins! Voisins seemed happy with Koshcei's demise. you got him at last? no one escapes Orphelins! Orphelins said. He had a strong French accent, thick as treacle. I found 'eem at le universitee at that moment. Another figure walked in. ah, Mr. Flush-Baringtoon, Voisins said in a decidedly creepy voice.

I could not, in all my years, have expected to hear what I heard next. It shocked me to the core. Hello! Anti Depressant Man shouted. Anti Depressant Man, what the hell are you doing! I shouted. Anti Depressant Man looked over to where I was. Hey! he shouted. Voisins, Leave him alone! Why are you collaborating with the Neighbours of Zero!? Wait, these people are the Neighbours of Zero!? Yes! Ooh... Anti Depressant Man mumbled, apologetically. Then he sprung into life again. Voisins, release My friend now, or the bet is off! that got him. He could not afford to release me with the knowledge he had so foolishly told me, but he could not afford to cancel the ten million pounds bet. Fine! He eventually spat. We got out of there as quickly as we can. the boat race, as fast as you can! I called to the taxi driver. We had dived into the nearest cabbie, and had sped off. why were you betting with the neighbours of zero? I asked, angrily. fun. Anti Depressant Man replied. I-day will take longer than I thought to prepare. Needed something to keep my spirits up! why did you call yourself Eustace Flush-Baringtoon? I shouted. that's my pseudonym. it's my pseudonym! You stole it! no, I came up with it! never mind about that! For now, we have to stop Oxford wining the boat race! I shouted, there are bombs in Oxford and Cambridge universities which will go off if they win! Cor! Anti Depressant Man shouted, as did the cabbie, who was eavesdropping. this reminds me of another person 'oo got in this cab, the driver started, he was... there was no time, we had reached the race and the boats were already at full pelt against each other. I threw some money at the driver and we raced to the side of the river. Oxford were clearly winning. What shall we do? Anti Depressant Man shouted. For the first time in my life, I saw him worried. I have a plan! I said. I didn't, but I was already running somewhere. There was a bridge ahead of me, If I could get there before the boats do... I managed to get to the bridge. The boats were fast approaching. I waited until the time was right. I jumped of the bridge. I smashed into the boat with a tremendous crack! which sent me, the racers, and the boat, scattered all over the river. The cold water running over me was quite fresh after the humid air of the hideout I had been oh-so cruelly tied to a chair in. all around me were angry Oxford boaters, all making furious gestures and splashing. When I surfaced, I was surrounded by boo!s from the crowd, and the furious shouting of the racers. Soon, I dragged myself to some land, where I was immediately rugby-tackled by the peelers. In the distance was the cheers of the Cambridge boating team as their boat slid gracefully past the finishing line. About thirty minutes later I was sitting on a nearby bench, covered in a towel and drinking a mug of tea. I and Anti Depressant Man had explained everything to the police, who had contacted Oxford and Cambridge Police, who had found the bombs after a bit of searching. Anti Depressant Man had led the police to the hideout, going in the under the premise of paying Voisins the money he owed him, and police had arrested them. In the distance, Voisins and Orphelins were being loaded into Paddywagons, while the Body of Koshcei was loaded into an Ambulance. It was all over. The

Neighbours of Zero were under arrest, never to bet again. * * * * * Sheridan Frogcott was flipping through the letters he had acquired from Florence's post box. Well, someone had done it for him. Nothing of major interest, but that was expected. He just needed the letters. You made sure to scratch the keyhole? he asked his henchman. Yessir, Mr Frogcott. Good, good.. he smiled to himself. There was a paper lying on his desk. The headline read Rainy Day Man strikes again: two more dead. Below was a picture of an umbrella, beautifully drawn in blood on a dark brick wall down an Edinburgh back alley. what do we need the letters for? the henchman asked. is it for the tremolo? its a Venus fly trap. Sheridan Frogcott replied. all we have to do now, is wait for the flies.