1.

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing
$1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then give the
lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze another drop of juice out would win the money. Many
people tried but nobody was able to do it. One day a scrawny, little man came in, wearing thick glasses
and a polyester suit. He said in a squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter died down,
the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed it. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the
little man who clenched it in his small fist. Soon the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as six drops
of juice fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked the little man,
“What do you do for a living?” The little man replied with a winning smile, “I work for the IRS!”

2.

A man and his wife are out driving, and get pulled over by a police officer. The husband, who is the one
behind the wheel, asks, “What’s the problem, officer?” Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55
zone.” Man: “No sir, I was going 65.” Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a
dirty look.) Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: “Broken tail light? I
didn’t know about a broken tail light!” Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.”
(The man gives his wife another dirty look.) Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing
your seat belt.” Man: “Oh, this? I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.” Wife: “Oh Harry,
you never wear your seat belt.” The man turns to his wife and yells, “Shut your mouth!” The officer
turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?” The wife
replies, “No, only when he’s drunk.”

3.

A trucker pulled into his regular truck stop diner. Noticing there was a new blonde waitress, he thought
he could confuse her with his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of
running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and
said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of
running boards." "What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?" "Nah," the cook said. "Three
flat tires means three pancakes." "A pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up." "And running boards
are two slices of crispy bacon." "Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment, and
then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker said, "Ha, this isn't what I
ordered!" She smiled, and said, "I know. But while you are waiting for the flat tires, headlights and
running boards,"... "I figured you might want to gas up!"
4.

An old lady wanted to give her grandson ten dollars as a Christmas present. So she went to her local
bank to make a withdrawal. The old lady handed her bankcard to the teller and said, “I would like to
withdraw $10.” The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM.” The old lady
wanted to know why. The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules,
please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you.” The old lady
remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said, “Please help me
withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She
nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “You have $300,000 in your account, but the
bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again
tomorrow?” The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any
amount up to three thousand dollars. “Well please let me have $3000 now.” The teller, with a kind
smile, handed $3000 to her. The old lady put $10 in her purse and said,... “Please deposit this $2990
back into my account.” Moral of the story: Respect your seniors. They know how to get around the
rules!

5.

nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music
and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’ Each time the lights would
go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when they saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?’ The bartender replied, ‘OK,
but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’ ‘Well, in that
case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the
restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to
give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why
did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’ ‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’
said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’ ‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the
puzzled nun. ‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the
lights go out.” “Now, how about that drink?’
6

Three nuns are travelling in a bus when it crashes. All of the nuns died instantly, and find themselves
standing in front of the Pearly Gates, where St Peter is waiting for them. He said to the nuns, “Before I
can let you in to heaven you each have to answer a question.” To the first nun, St Peter asks, “Where did
Adam meet the first woman?” The Nun replied, “In the Garden Of Eden.” St Peter smiled, heavenly bells
rang, and the pearly gates opened… St Peter then turned to the second Nun and asked, “What was the
name of the first woman in the garden of Eden?” The second Nun promptly replied, “Her name was
Eve.” St Peter smiled, heavenly bells rang, and the pearly gates opened… St Peter then turns to the final
Nun, and asks, “What did Eve say when she first saw Adam in the garden of Eden?” The Nun was
stumped, and stood still for a very long time trying to recall the answer. “Ooh, that’s a hard one…” she
muttered under her breath. St Peter smiled, heavenly bells rang, and the pearly gates opened…

------------------------------

7.
A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard. They find a deserted cabin and take shelter. They find
a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets. The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed
and takes the sleeping bag for himself. As they get tucked in for the night the nun calls out,
“Father, Father I’m cold!” So the priest gets up and puts another blanket on the nun. “Is that
better Sister?” he asks. “Yes Father, much better,” she replies. So he gets back in his sleeping
bag and starts to nod off when she again calls out with, “Father I’m still cold!” So once again the
priest gets up and puts another blanket on her, ensuring she is tucked into the bed well. “Is that
better Sister?” he asks. “Oh yes Father, that’s much better,” she says. So the priest gets himself
back into the sleeping bag and this time is just starting to dream when he wakes up to her call of,
“Father, Father I’m just so cold!” The priest thinks long about this and finally says, “Sister, we
are in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard. No one but you, myself, and the lord himself will ever
know what happens here this night. How about, just for this night, we act as though we were
married?” The nun thinks on this for a minute, she can’t help but admit to herself she’s been
curious, and finally answers with a tentative, “OK Father, just for tonight, we will act as though
we are married.” So the Father replies, “Get up and get your own damned blanket ya cow!” and
rolls over to fall asleep.
8.

A priest is driving his car down a sunny country road when he sees a nun waiting at a bus stop.
He pulls over and offers her a lift. The young nun thanks him, puts her luggage in the trunk, and
sits down in the passenger seat next to the priest. As they set off, the nun shifts to fasten her seat
belt, and her gown opens slightly to reveal a lovely leg. The priest glances down and nearly has
an accident. After getting the car under control, he can’t help but put his hand on her knee,
slowly sliding it up her leg. The nun looks at him and immediately says, “Father, remember
psalm 129!” The priest gets flustered and apologizes profusely. He forces himself to remove his
hand. However, he is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he
lets his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again says, “Father, remember psalm 129!!”
Once again the priest apologizes. “Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent,
the nun gets out, gives him a meaningful glance and goes on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushes to retrieve a bible and looks up psalm 129. The psalm said, “Go forth
and seek, further up you will find glory.” Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your
job, or you may miss a great opportunity.

9.

One day a man, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck
on the horizon. “It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he
begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf,
comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the
stunned guy and says, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years,” replies
the stunned man. With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that
good!” “And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?” she asks him. Trembling the
castaway replies, “Ten years.” She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to
him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, “WOW, that’s absolutely fantastic!” At this point she
starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man
seductively, and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?” With tears in his eyes,
the guy falls to his knees and sobs, “Oh my god! Don’t tell me you’ve got a set of clubs in there?!”
10.

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating
for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal. He asks the girlfriend’s
younger sister to accompany him to buy them, so she can point out a pair she’d like. They go to the mall
and the sister points out a pair of white gloves which the guy then buys. The sister then picks up a pair
of panties for herself and buys them. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixes up the parcels without
anyone realizing. As a result, the sister gets the gloves and the guy takes home a gift box containing the
panties. Without checking, the guy rushes the gift to his sweetheart, but only after drafting this loving
and helpful note to accompany it. The note says: To my dearest, I chose these because I noticed you are
not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would
have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for
the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really
smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time. There's no doubt other hands will come in
contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow
in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how
many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for the coming Christmas
Eve. PS - The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.