Knights of The Dinner Table 080

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KENZER AND
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“N ICE K NIGHT FOR A H ANGING ” Knights of the Dinner Table #80
NICE KNIGHT FOR A HANGING
THE KODT DEVELOPMENT TEAM IS June, 2003
_________________________
J OLLY R. B L ACKBURN • B RIAN J ELKE © Copyright 2003, Kenzer and
Company, All Rights Reserved.
S TE VE J OHANSSON • D AVID S. K ENZER Knights of the Dinner Table™ mag-
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ABLE™ was accidentally created by Jolly R. Blackburn way back in 1990
Kly didn’t
NIGHTS OF THE INNER
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CRIES FROM THE ATTIC
right at the table. In C R E D ITS
Of Dice fact, I’m not so sure my
™ PUBLISHER
and Friends passion for games stems
from the games them- Kenzer and Company
ometimes it’s the lessons relearned or selves, but rather those EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
S those we are simply reminded of once

again that can end up having the biggest
impact on on our lives. At least I’ve found
who play them.
I suppose the reason
friendships (both old
Jolly R. Blackburn
jolly@kenzerco.com
ASSISTANT EDITOR
that’s often the case. You know what I’m talk- and new) are on my Noah Kolman
ing about — those lessons you forget or push to mind this month is noah@kenzerco.com
the back of your mind as you go about the busi- because recently I had PRODUCTION MANAGER
ness of your day-to-day routine. the privilege to visit Steve Johansson
The importance of friends and family for several cons around the
country. Cons where I was fortunate enough SALES AND MARKETING
example. Most of us realize that when it comes Jeff Abar
down to brass tacks — such relationships are make a lot of new friends while rolling the dice.
jeff@kenzerco.com
really what life is all about. But in the day-to- At one of those cons I met a delightful fellow
day tedium of the grind we can easily forget named Eric and his girlfriend Tammy and had ADVERTISING LIAISON
the pleasure of playing several games with them Impressions Advertising
that simple fact. & Marketing
Sadly, it can take the sudden loss (or even the over the course of the weekend. Eric is one of aldo@impressionsadv.net
near loss) of a good friend or family member to those guys who is instantly likeable and I found
myself wishing we didn’t live 500 miles apart. SUBSCRIPTION SERVICES
suddenly put everything back into perspective orders@kenzerco.com
and to realize the difference between what’s He would certainly be welcome at my gaming
important and what’s not. Perhaps that’s why table. STRIP WRITING
Well, the other day I received an email from Jolly R. Blackburn
the mantra, “Don’t sweat the small stuff ” strikes Brian Jelke
a chord with me. Keeping things in perspective Eric and Tammy and I learned a sad truth.
Steve Johansson
is very important to me even though I don’t Something I suspected but couldn’t quite put
David S. Kenzer
always manage to do so. my finger on. Eric, I was told, is terminally ill
and apparently only has a few weeks to live. KODT STRIP ART
I’m one of those guys who likes to think that Jolly Blackburn
life is not a zero-sum game. That in the end a Although he didn’t share the details of his ill-
person’s life isn’t measured by the size of his ness, he did share some of his thoughts on the COVER ART
bank account or the number of toys in his toy importance of friendships and how much com- Claudio Pozas (artist)
box — but by the number of friends and fami- fort gaming has brought him. Scott Kester (colorist)
ly he has. Strike that. “I’m lucky to have so many good friends. CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS
Not the ‘number’ of friends/family per se. Gaming always gave us an excuse to get together. Doug Curtis
Rather the quality of those relationships no Your magazine was a way for us to share the Fred L. Dailey
laughs when we weren’t able to get together. Peter Delgado, Jr.
matter how many or how few they may be. A Brendon Fraim
man without any friends is a poor man indeed, During my lengthy hospital stay last winter my Brian Fraim
but a man with at least one person he can call back issues really took a beating.” The Brothers Grinn
“good friend” is wealthy in my book. Now, obviously I can’t say Eric and Tammy Mark Kidwell
are ‘good friends’ having only met them once William Church
Which brings me back to those lessons Don Thomas
relearned. Anyone who has chanced across one over a few boardgames. But I can say that given George Vrbanic
of the many editorials I’ve written over the past time, and the opportunity I’m sure such a
decade knows that I consider gaming and friendship could have been forged. CONTRIBUTING WRITERS
Jeff Aldrich
friendships to be synonymous. Based on the I realize at this point some of you are proba- Barbara Blackburn
letters I’ve received, many of you feel the same bly thinking, “Damn, Jolly. What a downer of Jolly R. Blackburn
way. an editorial. I came here to laugh, not to be Noah J.D. Chinn
I can’t tell you how many requests we’ve bummed out.” Doug Curtis
Fred L. Dailey
received for “The Empty Chair” poem over I assure you that isn’t my intent. What I’m Tony DiGerolamo
the years from readers who have lost a friend really saying is that Eric’s letter reminded me of Josh Fairfield
and found the words comforting. And I’m sure why Dave, Brian, Steve, Noah, and the rest of The Brothers Grinn
you’ve seen the many letters that have been us do this. Games and Friends ARE synony- Noah Kolman
published in Table Talk on the subject of old mous. They can keep old friends close and Rick Moscatello
usher new ones into the fold. From what I can Kenneth Newquist
friends, friends lost, and friendships reforged John O’Neill
through the game. tell, Eric is a very rich man. Steffan O’Sullivan
I suppose when it gets right down to it, the Well, this issue will hit the streets just in time William Steinmetz
popularity of KODT itself can be attributed to for Origins and GenCon. I’m looking forward Sean Twist
the fact that many of us see ourselves and our to getting out there and making some new Wil Upchurch
Ross Watson
friends in the characters. friends. Maybe one of your reading this will be
Recently, however, I was reminded of the fact among them! SHIPPING DIRECTOR
Game on folks!! May all your hits be crits. Don “Captain” Morgan
that games aren’t JUST about old friendships.
They also happen to be the proving grounds CHARMED PERSONS
where new friendships are forged. When I Chris Allen
Jolly R. Blackburn Paul Glozeris
think about it, most of the people I count
among my friends were met through gaming May 28, 2003 Josef Zimmerman
Knights of the Dinner Table® Magazine • June, 2003 —————————————— 3

TABLE Our Readers Talk Back!
TALK don't stop rolling until they hit something, and
then they like to bounce.
: MISSING PAGE IN #78??
ODT #78 has just arrived, and I've been
Anyway, just letting you guys know, that some-
one had a different approach to the d30, and it
K eagerly reading it. The "No Take Backs"
story with the Black Hands was great, and Bob's
actually works rather well. poem about Alexis in "Ballad" was very funny.
Omnis Vestra However, "Troy's Ploy" ended rather abruptly
Pugnaculum Est Occupo. at two pages. Were some pages lost in the printing
process? Keep up the good work.
: POLITICALLY CORRECT TITLES David
Iknow you are never stuck for ideas for KODT

strips, but in case you are here's one from a
British fan.
Thanks for the feedback, David. Glad you enjoyed
the issue. Feedback on Issue #78 has been tremendous.
Always nice to know you’ve hit the mark.
Hard Eight Enterprises is forced to introduce
As for Troy’s Ploy, you are not alone. A lot of
political correctness into HackMaster and in partic-
readers wrote in to ask about that missing page. Nope
ular to character classes. Here are a few suggestions
— no missing pages in #78. Steve simply forgot to put
for more politically correct Class Titles (By the way,
a “to be continued” blurb at the end. The strip was set-
we thought these up during a long beer-break in
EDITOR’S NOTE: The mail just never seems ting up the action for a future strip and establishing
Quebec —don't ask).
to stop. While we make every effort to read the fact that Troy will be working for the “Dragon
POLITICALLY Lady.” Hope that clears things up. — Jolly.
each and every letter, it is not always possible
CLASS CORRECT ALTERNATIVE
to give a personal reply. So even if your letter isn’t pub-
ARCHER: Non Mechanical Tensile Kinetic
:G IMME S OME OF
lished or if you don’t get a direct response, rest assured THAT O LD T IME R ELIGION ...
you ARE being heard. Projectile Delivery Systems
engineer. 've been a big fan of your comic since issue 14,
Remember, KODT is an interactive magazine. We
want you, the reader, to be involved. So keep your sug-
ASSASSIN: Third Party I and in Dragon before that. I just wanted to tell
you that when I read the strip where they find the
Right-Sizing Coordinator.
gestions, thoughts and opinions (constructive and oth- stats for God, I laughed my ass off.
erwise) coming. BARD: Audio Mood Enhancement Engineer.
The idea that Bob and Dave were such hack-
CLERIC: Outer Plane
Please be aware that due to space considerations, and-slashers that they had to try to take God was
Communications Facilitator.
some letters have been edited and/or trimmed. — Jolly great. It was so funny that I had to call my best
DRUID: Environmental Essence friend at midnight and tell him about it (though he
Utilization Engineer.
: “Speaking of Dice...” lives in a different time zone, so it was only 9:00 for
FIGHTER: Proactive Defense Engineer. him).
ell, I'll start with the usual. You guys are
W terrific, the comic is great, etc. As a matter
of fact, I get nervous when my local game shop gets
ILLUSIONIST: Multimedia Neo-Experience
Engineer.
I know some people are going to write in and
tell how offensive that is, but the wuss of heart
shouldn't dictate what the comic can do. You guys
their copies late. Ask them, if you want. MONK: Non Secular Unarmed rock for having the g’nads to publish such a great
At any rate, because my schedule has had me so Proactive Defense Specialist. strip.
busy for so long, I haven't had time to actually MAGIC USER: Essence Utilization Engineer.
READ them all yet. I was just poring through issue Ken Butler
71, and noticed in Table Talk a little topic about PALADIN: Outer Planar Enforcement Officer
Building Dice. This is all sound, but I just wanted RANGER: Uncharted Highways : G OD VS . THE G AWDS .
to throw in a couple of bits. Reconnaissance Officer. kay, I thought the story about Stats-for-God
They actually already make 30-siders. I own 2,
as a matter of fact, and for awhile I was writing a
ROGUE: Alternative Lifestyle Actuator. O was absolutely brilliant. Very well handled
and even thought provoking (as well as damn
game system based on them, but decided that was a TERMINATOR: Disorder Investigation
and Elimination Officer funny). But I have to ask. Why did the Knights
BAD idea. They're mostly round, bigger than a golf
THIEF: Property Relocation Executive. find stats for the Judeo-Christian God in poor taste
ball, with 30 diamond-shaped sides. The only
yet they have no problems whomping on Zeus,
problem with this shape is that they don't like to
Odin, and other gods from other religions? What’s
stop rolling. Though that's not as much of a prob- Hope you enjoy them. the difference? And what’s the message here? That
lem as the 100-siders. These are EXACTLY the Joe Watling it’s okay to dis the religion of others? I’m not being
same size as a golf ball, only they have larger and
a troll. I just wondered if you had thought through
fewer dimples (100 instead of 144), and are usually Thanks, Joe. Those were hilarious. I decided to what the strip is actually saying. Other than that,
coated with a layer of clear plastic on which are share them with our readers rather than use them as make mine KODT.
exagerrated dimples which also magnify the num- the basis for a strip. Now we just need one for the
bers beneath so they're readable. Unfortunately, the GameMaster himself. Oh wait, I guess we already do. Becky Palin
plastic isn't universal, and the ones without the “Dungeon Custodian” as determined by the Knights in Well that’s certainly a thought provoking letter,
extra layer pretty much Tales from the Vault volume 1.— Jolly Becky. Thanks for taking the time to write it. Most of
HOW TO CONTACT US
: Via ONLINE FORUM — Just pop over to www.kenzerco.com and visit our discussion forums.
: via E-MAIL — Send your strip ideas, reader mail, back room fodder and questions to mailbag@kenzerco.com.
: via SNAIL MAIL — Or write to us at KODT c/o KenzerCo, 25667 Hillview Court, Mundelein, IL 60060.

what I know of the Greek and Roman gods has been Hey Ben, glad to hear you made it home safely. tion to one of their least-favorite people officially
taken from various books or classes on mythology. I Thanks for sharing your issues with your comrades. employed by their favorite company -- the strip
think that’s basically my answer. The “difference” you Glad we could entertain the troops in our own small seemed to just peter off: no punch line or "To be
asked about is the difference between ‘mythology’ and way. continued..."
‘religion.’ To be sure, some readers would consider both As for Jim Lynch, yes — he’s been commenting on As always, the extra material by the Brothers
to be one and the same. But I’m willing to bet a large every issue since I can remember. I’ve always enjoyed Grinn and on Heroes of the Hackleague brought
segment of you feel there is actually a HUGE differ- his honest feedback and the fact that he comments in a big ol' smile to my face.
ence. such a detailed fashion. Many readers have let us Finally, don't know where you got the VHS tape
know that they are a fan of his letters. I suppose that’s of The Gamers, but you may be the only one. The
Let’s just say I’ve never heard of anyone complaining
why he consistently makes the cut. Ummmm, speaking Dead Gentlemen's website only discusses the movie
of a game designer giving stats to Thor (or even basing a of Jim... — Jolly.
comic book on him). At any rate it was a sensitive sub- coming out on DVD! Speaking as someone who's
quite happy with his VCR, I can only hope that
ject for a strip and I took great care to keep it focused on : C OMMENTS ON I SSUE # 78 they'll be releasing it on VHS as well as DVD; but
how the Knights themselves would react to Stats-for-God
reetings! I picked up the latest KODT last I ain't hopeful.
and leaving it to the reader to decide for themselves if such
a game would be in bad taste. — Jolly. G week -- very nice! While I'm surprised there
wasn't more on Bob's new situation, being on his
Jim Lynch
As always, thanks for the feedback, Jim. As you
: T HE LYNCH R EPORT own, 'twas a very funny book. “The Dawgs of already have learned (based on your follow-up email),
War” was a nice return to the cheap, ferocious The Gamers is indeed available on both DVD and
owdy! Love what you’re doing with the mag-
H azine. I just wanted to a few minutes and jot
down a note telling you that. I just returned from
canines that had previously terrorized the UT+1.
(Was it B.A.'s favoritism that let Sara control them
VHS. You just have to look for it carefully on their
website. — Jolly
so much better than the Knights did?) "Ballad of
Operation Desert Freedom and took a pile of the Twenty-Sider" was a fun look at what happens
KODT with me. They got passed around quite a when some sub-standard poetry is written with rel-
: K EEP IT COMING G UYS !
bit and quite the worse for wear. But I don’t mind. ish. "No Take Backs" was a very good example of ey guys, just want to say thanks for having
Just thought you might want to know that you
have a lot of new fans in uniform. I’m sure you’ll
why Newt isn't quite the poor guy he may appear
(best line: Just remember that hell hath no fury like
H such AWESOME products. I gamed a bit
about ten years ago, then slowly drifted away. After
see some of them subscribing. a pixie fairy scorned"), and "You Say It's Your finding KODT, it got my interest going again - so
One thing before I close. I notice that a fellow Birthday..." was both a nice look at how the Knights much to do, so little time! And I really appreciate
by the name of Jim Lynch appears in almost every celebrate and what could be the *ultimate* blasphe-
the freebies you send along with mail orders; I'm
Table Talk commenting on the previous issue. I mous rpg device (well, since the rpg KULT). Of
course, they have the stats and XP values for the going to force my roommate to play Fairy Meat -
love reading his comments. He usually points out Clockwork Stomp!
something I missed. deities in D&D, if I recall.
Was the “Troy's Ploy” strip unfinished? While Keep up all the great work, and I'm yours for
Keep up the good work. KODT is one of the life.
highlights of my month. it's suggested that Troy would now be working for
Hard Eight -- and I'd love to see the Knights' reac- James
Ben Gordan
FIELD REPORT: KEYCON’ 20

May 16 to 18, Winnipeg, Canada
KEYCON is only the third con I’ve been invited to as a
Guest of Honor that wasn’t strictly a gaming con. (Marcon
and MidSouth Con being the other two). Michael Sheard
(of Star Wars/Doctor Who fame) who had been the guest
of honor at KeyCon several times in previous years told me
that the show was one of ‘the best’ and that I was in for “a
real honest to goodness treat.” I considered that a glowing
recommendation. As it turns out he was right.
KeyCon is billed as Sci-Fi con (this was the twentieth
anniversary for the event), but I was glad to discover it’s
actually a good mixture of several genres. Gaming was
well represented (lots of board games and LARPing).
There were also plenty of events and panels to keep atten-
dees entertained. There were at least a half-dozen hospi-
tality rooms available — each featuring a different theme.
A wide variety of snacks and tasty beverages were on hand.
(My favorite was the ‘Short Plank’ which featured grog,
home-brewed wine, and a very convincing pirate theme).
Other events included an anime room, costume con-
test, a special effects demonstration, scavenger hunt, and
trivia contests. To be honest, I was kept busy with various
seminars and panels (including the ever popular KODT
Live Reading) so I didn’t get to take in half as much as I
would have liked. There were definitely some sad faces
when Sunday rolled around and it was time to head home.
A great con ran by a great group of people. Many thanks
to Craig, Jamie, Amber, Angela, Sherry, Pedro, Melany,
and Drew for making my visit such a blast. You guys
rule!❑
6 ——————————————————— Issue #80: Nice Knight for a Hanging™

Above: GROD MONDRE’: THE ARENA OF DEATH
Coming this summer to a convention near you.
: L OOKING FOR D EATH
IN ALL THE W RONG P LACES .
reetings O’ Gaming Gurus of the Mundelein Plains. I wish
G to suck up and grovel at the feet of the appropriate person in
order to obtain the answer to my question.
A friend of mine recently returned from a convention and was
all jazzed up about the ‘Arena of Death” HackMaster event he had
played in. As he conveyed the tales of magnificent carnage and
endless conga dance of Player Character death, I knew I must take
up arms and enter those hallowed halls.
I’m told the Arena event will be a travelling show of sorts this
summer. I was wondering if you had a schedule and more infor-
mation. I checked the website and there was nary a mention.
Mark Lambert
Hey Mark. So you want to die in the Arena of Death do you?

Think yourself worthy to enter the gates of Grod Mondre’ and step out
onto the blood soaked pavement stones and peer up at the taunting
crowd?? Teh-heh — well alright tough guy. Bring it on. Currently,
the Arena of Death is scheduled to appear at both Origins and
GenCon at the KenzerCo booth.
Future appearances will be announced on our website. The Arena
is open to all. Bring a HackMaster character or bring a group of
friends and enter as a team. Some quick-roll rules will be available
for those who need to roll up characters (or replace those cut down in
combat). This is a great opportunity for the curious to check out
HackMaster for themselves or for veteran players to settle old scores.
There will also be some side-betting action for spectators.— Jolly
: KODT#79
his is the best issue I've read in quite awhile. Each of the sto-
T ries had something. The Weird Pete story took off in a new
and unanticipated direction. The Knights had both Game Opera
and a cool things happening in their campaign. Right now I'd
love to be in that game and I know I'm using some of this in my
own campaign this summer. The Black Hands, the business with
Gordo blindsided me, at first I wasn't into it, but Pete's reaction
just made it too cool. — JasonZ❑
why don’t you write us?

we’re out in the JUNGLE.
we’re HUNGRY to HEAR you.

A N EWBIE ’ S G UIDE TO
ased on the letters we’ve been receiving (as well as reports from accounting that sales continue to rise), it’s become very apparent that there
B are a LOT more of you reading this magazine than ever before. That means we have some fresh meat in the ranks. So if you’re reading this,
it’s quite likely this is the FIRST time you’ve ever seen a copy of KODT. Welcome! You’re among friends here. Make yourself at home,
take off your shoes and kick back. Stay a while.
If this is your first time with us (or, if you just recently started reading KODT) you’re probably feeling a little lost. Jumping in on KNIGHTS
OF THE DINNER TABLE midstream is like tuning into a soap opera for the first time. The cast of characters can be intimidating to the Newbie and
trying to match names to faces is a bit daunting. One of the best ways to get up to snuff on KODT is to pick up a copy of TALES FROM THE
VAULT 1, 2, 3 or 4 or one of the ten BUNDLES OF TROUBLE (these are compilations of earlier strips and back issues). Not only are they great read-
ing but they include detailed bios for almost ALL the characters that have appeared in KODT over the years. Chances are you’ll find these books
at the very same place you found your first issue of KODT. If not, simply ask the friendly guy behind the counter if he can order them for you.
If that doesn’t work, then you can pick them up at www.kenzerco.com. In the meantime, the following information will help get you started.
We’ve included some abbreviated bios of the five primary characters along with some background notes.
WHO’S WHO IN THIS CRAZY RAG?

Knights of the Dinner Table (KODT) began life as a poorly drawn, one page strip in the back of a gaming magazine (Way back in 1990). Okay, it’s STILL
poorly drawn, but for whatever reason it’s managed to gather and hold onto an ever growing audience for nearly 13 years. The name of the comic is taken
from a gaming group comprised of five misfits that seem to enjoy each other’s company. (Though it’s not always apparent based on the way they behave toward
one another.) The ‘Knights’ are, and always have been, the central focus of KODT. So if you get to know them, you’re half way there to coming to understand
the series. Over the years other characters (and groups) have been added to the mix. At last count there were over FIFTY characters in the cast. Don’t worry
— you’ll get to know them in due time.
B.A. FELTON BOB HERZOG DAVE BOZWELL SARAH FELTON BRIAN VANHOOSE
B.A. is the group’s Bob was the first dues Dave claims to be a stu- Sara is B.A.’s cousin. She Brian lives alone in the
GameMaster. He lives with paying member of the dent at BSU (though no moved back to Muncie, house he inherited from his
his mom and it’s his ‘Dinner group. He’s from the old one has ever seen him crack Indiana from Wisconsin a parents (they died in a car
Table’ where most of the school of role-playing and open a book). He was few years ago and is the crash a few years ago). He
action in the strips unfolds. believes it’s all about break- introduced to role-playing newest member of the manages to make a modest
B.A. is a night manager at a ing things and killing peo- by Bob, who he met at a group. Unfortunately, Sara living operating a fee-based
local 24 hour Pizza Shop. ple. He’s made the local local paintball tournament. is also the only female in the gaming website and selling
Somehow he manages to pre- papers twice for getting lost He’s a true blooded hack-n- group and fights a lonely painted miniatures. Brian
pare and run an adventure for in the steam tunnels under slasher who becomes bored battle to bring more role- can’t remember his own
the group week after week. Ball State. He’s known to easily if the experience play and less hack-n-slash to phone number but he can
His players give him a tough excite easily and has a bit of points aren’t flowing. He the group’s gaming sessions. recite entire passages of var-
time. It’s a constant battle — a temper, and everyone has a reputation for being So far, it’s a losing battle. ious rule books from mem-
trying to win them over to his knows not to touch his ‘clueless’ at times. Even so, Sara continues to ory. He’s the classic rules-
style of role-playing. dice. set the example and hope. lawyer and is proud of it.
“SO WHAT DO THE LITTLE ICONS MEAN?”

FAN
SPUN KODT
KODT Q&A
FAN SPUN KODT strips are home-brewed RETRO KODT strips take place some- KODT Q&A presents strips that have
stories submitted by our readers. Sometimes where in the past (i.e. they are not part of been suggested by our readers. It may be a THE REST OF THE STORY revisits
they appear as written. On other occasions, the current storyline.) Be aware that they request to see the Knights play a reader’s stories told in past issues. Sometimes
ideas from several different readers are taken are NOT reprinted material but are NEW favorite game or perhaps a reader wants to they are prequels, other times they are
and combined. Fans putting words into the and ORIGINAL stories. Retro strips are a know why a certain character never sits in sequels. Or they may simply be spin-
mouths of their favorite characters. What way of looking back and learning more as GameMaster. Anything a reader wants offs that chase a thread that was never
could be more fun (or scary)? about the characters. to ask is fair game here. pursued but looks promising.
Old Debts by jolly r. blackburn
one afternoon at
HAWG WALLERS...
forgot about ya? hell no, HOSS.

hey, HAWG
BOSS! CRUTCH, MY MAN! \ said \’d be in on PAYDAY
to settle muh TAB, dittin’ \?
lord, yer a SIGHT
how ‘bout slidin’ a for sore eyes.
COLD ONE down this way? gave ya my that you did, son.
thought maybe you WORD, dittin’ \?
\’ve got a plenty POWERFUL FORGOT about me. that you did.
THIRST goin’ on here.
\ would’a been here hell, \ got enough PAYOLA

SOONER to settle up but in my pocket to make good with not to PRY into another
the BANKS were closed. YOU, drop a TRAILER payment and throw man’s BIZNUS, CRUTCH...
a LITTLE-SOMETHING at my EX.
but, ummmm, \ thought
had to RUN by my friend, you were aimin’
\ did GOOD this week, on keepin’
PETE’S place and ask
hawg boss. REAL good. your NOSE clean.
‘im to CASH muh check.
uh huh...
\ figure, \’ll even
have a little LEFT OVER \ see.
for the POKER
GAME tonight.

hey, it’s all LEGAL MONEY -- every NICKEL!! damn, HAWG. you know’d \ made a DEATH BED
PROMISE to my MAMMA. \ promised that
hrmmmff. you wanna see the PAY STUBS? LADY \’d stay on the STRAIGHT and NARROW.
for yer information, \’ve been hangin’

SHEET ROCK on a job up in FORT WAYNE. yeah, yeah, \ KNOW.
that’s why \ wuz LATE gettin’ back. look, NEXT round is on me.
okay? \ didn’t MEAN anything.
okay, okay... \ didn’t
MEAN anything by it. keep yer
drink! alright. alright.
it ain’t
you just \ reckon \
been EASY DESERVED that.
WATCH yer
ya KNOW.
mouth.
ba’sides, you know \ got yep. just about the SADDEST SPURS A’ THUNDER!!
TWO STRIKES against me. story \’ve heard in
a good EIGHTEEN MONTHS. \ din’t even
if’in \ go DOWN that river RECOGNIZE ya.
again there ain’t NO comin’ now look here, MAC.
back for me. that’s a FACT!
\ ain’t in no MOOD for, ummmm..
when the
HELL did you
now that’s GET out??
a SAD hey straw S-S-SWITCH?!!!
STORY, dawg!
mister. -firp- few
is THAT DAYS ago.
you?
you just ain’t you didn’t

oh man, am \ glad to SEE you.
gonna BELIEVE it. catch WIND
of that mess?
this place has been DEAD
without your SUNNY face. but apparently
the STATE wuz BROKE. oh man, the
how ‘come they let you out? you were the GOV'NER opened FUR FLEW
dewin’ EIGHT to TEN last \ heard. HELL, even with the GATES and let when the
GOOD BEHAVIOR you were lookin’ at FOUR SOLID. a SLEW of us out EARLY. GOOD FOLKS
of this STATE
you’re found out.
that’s ain’t that a KICK YANKIN’
what | oh GEEZ.
in the head? my leg.
thought.
you didn’t go and
BUST OUT did ya?
10 —————————————————— Issue #80: Nice Knight for a Hanging™

you wanna talk about SWEATING hey HAWG -- set my MAN here up
bullets -- \ was a PRAYING MAN there for a with a OLD GRANDAD and COKE!!
while. me and the BOYS thought fur SURE
they’d WISE up and SLAM that gate shut
ba’fore we got them RELEASE PAPERS. hell. pour YERSELF a TALL
ONE as well. it’s ON me.
will do.
well, \’ll be.
we’re gonna but don’t
just like THAT, make that SHORT CELEBRATE the you go gettin’
huh? they shaved on the coke
PWODIGAL yerself TOO settled
EIGHT years off. and LONG on the
CUFF, hawg. SON’s return. there SWITCH.
ain’t that
SUMTHIN’.
it’s STILL early. damn. he’s RIGHT, hoss. hell, STRAW DAWG. yer a HARD man to
find. \’ve been trying to HOOK up with
MUNCIE’S FINEST maybe we better FINISH you for the better part of THREE DAYS.
will be ROLLIN’ these up and come
through here back LATER tonight.
‘fore SUNDOWN. wish \’d known. \’ve been up
cops won’t COME north with MURKY FATS
in here after DARK. and some of the boys all
a PAROLE week. construction work.
VIOLATION is suits me. \ wuz
the LAST thing wantin’ to have WORDS yeah. \ know. yer
you need. OL’ LADY told me. muh old
with ya ANYWAYS.
oh lady? ummm,
yeah? you’ve talked
to CASEY MAE?
oh... well, er... yeah. me and dammit, SWITCH!

CROWBAR rode out to yer
look -- ain’t NO WAY
DOUBLE WIDE day ‘fore YESTERDEE. you KNOW’D \ don’t like \’m gonna try and
anyone goin’ out to my make time with your
PLACE when \’m not there. WOMAN. you know that.
casey told
us you...
‘specially after
say what? you done easy, big man. what you did it ain’t
been out at my PLACE? why’d ya go to little
\ didn’t KNOW THAT.
and do TOMMY GRIFF
\, er, \ wuz you weren’t there THAT for? that one time.
lookin’ fer YOU. til \ GOT there.
Knights of the Dinner Table® Magazine • June, 2003 ————————————— 11

dammit. she was just startin’
to EASE up on the LEASH. legit?!! who...?
sorry, switch.
if’n ya know what \ mean. YOU??!!
ain’t no act.
hell, \’ve been \t’s on the LEVEL.
aaaah, say it ain’t
keepin’ it STRAIGHT, hoss. SO, straw dawg.
cash payin’ jobs.
here and there. spendin’ \ made some
it’s an ACT -- right?
SUNDAYS at home. PROMISES.
to keep the PEACE
with the OL’ LADY?
\ wuz FINALLY gettin’ it got some good folks
into that little HEAD of COUNTIN’ on me
hers that \’ve gone LEGIT. to make GOOD on
those promises.
DAB BLAST IT!! and now YOU and aaaaah, hell. will you LOOK at me?
CROWBAR go riding out to my TRAILER??
here you just get out of the PEN and \’m DUMPIN’
my OL’ LADY CRAP on ya. \’m sorry, HOSS.
you have any idea the
DAMAGE you’ve done? forget about it.
what’s CASEY gonna think? look, like \ was

that \’m RUNNING with the sayin’ \ wanted to TALK
OLD GANG again -- THAT’S WHAT!! oh yeah.
to you about something.
what
about?
\’m sorry.
TRULY
\ am.
look, CRUTCH. \ hope you \ got ENOUGH temptations \’m just here
weren’t SERIOUS about in life. don’t be throwin’ as a FRIEND.
that “GOIN’ LEGIT” business. GASOLINE on my FIRE.
this is
FOOL PROOF.
ya see, REASON \’ve been tryin’
yeah, yeah, just
to TRACK ya down is this...
HEAR me out.
don’t you \’m gonna be
\’m in on something. BELIEVE it. SET for life
this is BIG, \ tell ya.
catch what \’m sayin’? after this job.
the BIG PAYOFF. you
whoah... know. the one we the only
somethin’ BIG. always TALKED about. PAYOFF is
hold on, hoss. DEWIN’ TIME.
don’t be doin’
this to me.
you
know that.

ya see, \ shared a CELL with this guy who oh golly gee. \ know.
used to help build these INDUSTRIAL PARKS. but ya
he has this PLAN -- knows ALL the ins and ‘coz \ sat for SIX FRICKIN’ YEARS in
KNOW what?
outs. got it figured EVERY which way. a TEN-BY-TEN at PENDELTON coz of
some FOOL PROOF PLAN you
this time it
ROPED me into. ‘member that?
now, he cut me in on account’a he IS different.
owed me a FAVOR. and as it
turns out we’re short ONE MAN. naaa, naaa, this it ALWAYS is,
is DIFFERENT. switch. it’s
fool proof
plan? now always
really. “DIFFERENT”.
WHY does
that sound
familiar??
coz THIS time \ say, “NO.”

look... NOW that we know hey HAWG BOSS!
and THIS time you’re gonna let it go where we STAND, let’s put
and leave me out of it. am \ RIGHT? all that BEHIND us and do when do you figure
us some CELEBRATIN’. that CARD GAME will
-sigh- sure, be startin’ up tonight?
CRUTCH. sure. let’s RUN out to my
TRAILER and have CASEY MAE
but look, what kind of FRIEND grill us up some STEAKS. well, \ figure it
would \ be if \ didn’t offer to
cut you in on a GOOD thing? AIN’T gonna happen.
now yer, then we come back
talkin. and get in on not tonight. \ SHUT
\ didn’t mean
the POKER GAME. down the BACK ROOM.
no harm.
\ appreciate
the thought.
shut it down?
since WHEN??
since \ got well why didn’t ya SAY so.

BUSTED last
month and they c’mon, switch.
RILEY usually has some HIGH STAKES
THREATEN to types sittin’ in on his game. easy pickings.
yank my LIQUOR let’s go GRILL them steaks
license -- and then we’ll play a little
that’s when. hey, RING me up a CASE CARDS. \’ll even STAKE you.
of GUSWEISER to go
and close out my TAB.
the game’s been just do me a favor.
moved to RILEY’S
BARBERSHOP til we’re gonna ROLL. mighty KIND none of that “JOB”
the HEAT is off. of you. talk around CASEY.
throw a pack you guys MIND
of SMOKES in those road
too, hawg. blocks tonight.

The Bargaining Chip by jolly r. blackburn
RECAP: after engineering the okay, that’s it for last week’s

escape of her COMRADES EXPERIENCE POINT totals.
through the use of cheap
and readily available
PITBULLS, justinia soon anyone need me to REPEAT them? dude, you’re buggin’ out
realizes she unleashed a EARLY on us? again?
GREAT EVIL on the land. no, no, we’re good.
what gives? \ thought
her “DOOMSDAY PACK” is let’s get ROLLIN’. \ can only EARL had things
sweeping the countryside play til TEN tonight. \’m on covered ‘til MIDNIGHT.
destroying SETTLEMENTS the GRAVEYARD shift at PETE’s
and mauling innocents. and \ gotta be there EARLY. hey, you can’t BAIL.
we NEED you.
great NOTORIETY
surrounds the good cleric you have
who is now known as to leave?
“JUSTINIA THE BUTCHER”.
with an ever-growing
PRICE on her head,
SARA is determined
to RIGHT her wrong
and destroy the PACK...
sorry guys - don’t you think \’d LOVE \’ve been PATIENT wadda ya talkin’ about?
to stay and play for the DURATION? about it and all
-- seein’ how you \ DID finish it. THREE DAYS ago.
\ can’t -- EARL covered for me last been sick.
week when \ had the FLU. \ OWE ‘im. sh’ya right. \ don’t THINK
but when are you
so. you mowed the FRONT
gonna get out and
yard. you never even
well THAT blows. FINISH mowin’ my YARD?
TOUCHED the back.
that means the REST of us
will have to quit too. we \ paid you in GOOD FAITH with all
can’t play one man SHORT. those “LAND CARDS”. \’d like ya
to make GOOD on our deal.
sorry, by the
dude. really. backyard? the BACK
way, bob...
what backyard? yard, dude.
c’mon --there ain’t sorry, dude. that hay field ONE POINT SEVEN FIVE ACRES??!!!
NOTHING behind IS my backyard -- 1.75 acres worth.
your house but
and those sTICKER-BUSHES are what -sputter- are you for REAL??
some HAY FIELD.
used to be my mom’s FLOWER GARDEN. we never AGREED to that.
that and that \ didn’t get around to MOWING it no way in HELL \’m mowin’
big ol’ patch last summer. frickin’ DRIVE two acres of SCRUB BRUSH!!
of STICKER PULLEY on my RIDIN’ MOWER
BUSHES. busted. they don’t sell PARTS good gawd. it’s like the
for that model no more. DEEPEST DARKEST HEART ya said you’d
OF AFRICA back in there. mow my
speaking of which, YARD, dude.
you should be
CAREFUL when
you FINISH up.
that MOWER is
still SITTING
up on BLOCKS out
there some place.

look, guys. this sounds like PERSONAL BUSINESS.
maybe can you discuss it on your OWN time?

we’re pressed for time as it is and BOB has okay, when
to leave EARLY -- we should get started. we left off
last week,
for cryin’ out loud. by the way, bob. it the PARTY
here here. yeah. we’ve got looks like we may was under
that’s all \ was SAYIN’.
let’s get to it. BIG PROBLEMS be gettin’ some SIEGE by the
as \ recall. RAIN this weekend. DOOMSDAY
just take CHARGE and
get things MOVIN’ chief. we’ve got a LOT pack in the
to do tonight. walled town
that’s what \’m you may want to of TREAST.
doing, bob. PLAN accordingly.
that is IF you plan
to FINISH what
you started.
with the local FOOD SUPPLY of course, you have BIGGER PROBLEMS to contend with.
depleted, the PACK has returned
and is INTENT on getting as you were helping the FRANTIC
into the town and FEASTING townsfolk barricade the gates, someone
on those taking REFUGE there. recognized JUSTINIA as “THE BUTCHER”.
the hungry beasts SWARM around the the ALARM was sounded
OUTER WALL in seething, convulsing patterns. and the GUARD summoned.
their SNARLS, BARKS, SPITS, and GROWLS fill
the night air with an eerie haunting DRONE. with chants of “KILL THE FILTHY SHE-DEVIL!!”
you found yourselves under attack. after a
fighting WITHDRAWAL you managed to LOCK
the townsfolk were sent yourself in the eastern GATEHOUSE.
into a PANIC before RALLYING
and working together
to man the walls and
STOCKPILE all available
PROVISIONS for RATIONING.
and that’s where hey, you FORGOT the part where \ JACKED the GATE
we ENDED things -- CAPTAIN upside his head with the back of my hand
with the PARTY in a for givin’ me LIP when \ DEMANDED the KEYS.
pretty tough FIX.
oooo -- and you didn’t MENTION c’mon, guys. we’ve
the part where \ SKEWERED that got to think FAST.
the DOOMSDAY PACK it’s not going to
one GUARD on a lance and
on ONE side of the wall. take that MOB
FLUNG him over the wall and
INTO the pack. that rocked ass. long to BREACH
an ANGRY MOB those DOORS.
screaming for
VENGEANCE did you FIGURE that
sara’s
on the other. into our EP tallies?
right.
ummmm, did
\ FORGET
anything? it’s IN
there.

we’re in a real
PICKLE of a FIX here. now the way \ see it, we have ONE viable OPTION.
\’m just not sure how to

bring it up. it’s rather UNPLEASANT.
OUTNUMBERED on both
sides. and no DISCERNABLE
avenues of ESCAPE. c’mon, big guy.
\ think \ know
if you’ve got an IDEA where this is
let’s hear it. \ don’t heading, brian.
see any others on the
this could go TABLE at the moment. you don’t have
very BADLY to be afraid to sorry
for us, folks. SUGGEST it. sara.
DESPERATE
TIMES if EVER
there were any.
\ think what brian’s trying to you mean GIVE yerself up?

say is DESPERATE TIMES call
sorry? for DESPERATE MEASURES. shy’a right -- over my DEAD BODY!!
you’re an UNTOUCHABLE, missy!!
what the hell
for? what is it? the mob wants ME! maybe we NEVER give
\ should just give frickin’ a! we can
cut to the yeah. up our OWN.
myself OVER to them. just NIX that
CHASE, big guy. so...? idea right HERE,
you hear?
right NOW!!
NEVER!!!
thanks,
guys.
\ appreciate your LOYALTY but \ have to look at this from JUSTINIA’s point of view.
she’s a LAWFUL GOOD CLERIC with a NAGGING CONSCIENCE. GUILTY of the CRIME she stands ACCUSED of. if
brian hadn’t suggested it, \ WOULD have. if GIVING myself up saves the REST of the party -- so be it.
she’s lawful good

not gonna LET
not LAWFUL STUPID. guys, you haven’t
EXCELLENT!! you do it, sara.
heard ALL of the plan.
\’ve got them
you’re gonna STAND
RUNNING scared
with us and FIGHT.
for once.

\ was just \’m not suggesting we completely ABANDON justinia. only
pointing out that we USE the situation to BUY ourselves some time.
our OPTIONS.
look, if this involves turning SARA
over to that mob in any WAY, SHAPE
or FORM, you can FORGET it. yeah, yeah. \ know where
and BEFORE yer comin’ from. will ya
we rule this PA-LEASE hear me out?
the same
one out, let’s goes for EL
ain’t gonna happen.
CONSIDER RAVAGER!! go on,
not as long as okay, the
something. brian.
KNUCKLES has a way \ see
HIT POINT to his name. it, it’s
like this...
no offense to sara, but she

happens to be our BARGAINING CHIP.
bounty hunters?
plain and simple.
who? us?
that’s the COVER
so why not WAGER that chip
STORY, you MORONS.
and let it WORK to our ADVANTAGE?
did \ MISS
something?
the mob wants HER!! look, when we TURN over sara
we tell them she was our
as for the rest of us? PRISONER and we were BRINGING
her in to collect the REWARD.
why, we’re just a simple
group of well-meaning
BOUNTY HUNTERS.
only we ran into the DOOMSDAY PACK and had to take REFUGE in their city. see
where \’m goin’ with this? we get the MOB behind us. suddenly we’re on the
same TEAM. that’s certainly a heckuva lot better than the PINCH we’re in now.
\ should’ve known. \’m not likin’ this keep going,

PLAN, big guy. we INSIST on
brian. DUE PROCESS.
hey... this is an this is ALL about the not ONE bit. what THEN?
INTERESTING turn REWARD, isn’t it?
of events. very a trial for
interesting indeed. JUSTINIA before
a JUDGE.

it’s a PLAN that buys us some TIME! something we don’t have a
that’s it?!!!
LOT of right now. DON’T YOU GET IT? we cut a DEAL with the mob.
that’s yer BIG PLAN?
the “PRISONER” is safe guarded in the GATE HOUSE until the
TRIAL. the TOWN has its hands full with the DOOMSDAY PACK.
hrmmphh. well it SUCKS.
by the time the trial rolls around, we’ll have figured

that’s no PLAN. it’s a something out and will be MILES AWAY and LONG GONE.
DEATH SENTENCE for taking JUSTINIA with us, of course. hear what \’m sayin?
SARA. what kind of
FEATHER-BRAINED hey... it just so it’s a STALL
CLICKED. yer startin’ exactly!
plan is THAT?? TACTIC then.
to make sense now.
\ like
it.
there’s just one PROBLEM. we MIXED it up we’re DULY appointed

with that MOB pretty good. \’m fairly CERTAIN OFFICERS OF THE LAW -- so
some of them are gonna be PISSED at us. far as THEY’RE concerned.
you raise some
yeah. and there was leastwise that’ll
GOOD points,
\ mean we cut a some GRATUITOUS be our STORY.
actually.
pretty WIDE SWATH kills on the steps of
through those the TEMPLE \ don’t we MISTOOK
FARMERS think are going to \ suppose that their HOSTILE
baaaa!
tenting in the go over so well. COULD be a ACTIONS as
problem?
MARKET PLACE. problem. an ATTEMPT
what to FREE a
problem? DANGEROUS
CRIMINAL...
or to
HONE in
our
REWARD.
shouldn’t be a PROBLEM.
\’ll even throw some of my alright, alright.

ORATION SKILLS into the maybe it ain’t such a
kewl beans. \’ll be
process. a few SHIFT BAD PLAN after all. okay, \’m in.
the SPOKESMAN
BLAME spells. maybe an let’s do it before
for the group.
AURA OF INNOCENCE if needed. maybe one of us they move that
should go out under RAM they were
just leave it to me.
a FLAG OF TRUCE and FASHIONING
trust me. by get the ball rolling. into place.
the time it’s keep your
over they’ll be FINGERS
APOLOGIZING crossed.
to US!!

Mob Justice by jolly r. blackburn
okay, brian. the apparent MOB

LEADER, a rotund, barrel chested
“put down your ARMS. come out and STAND with us.”
man PERCHED atop a WAGON
assures you that you’ve been
HEARD and that your words good job, brian.
were CAREFULLY considered. kewl beans. looks like your
hey! it’s SPEECH worked.
working.
think we can
“if it is as you SAY,” he they’re was there
TRUST him?
shouts out, “and you are BUYING it. any doubt?
INDEED bringing THE
BUTCHER to JUSTICE, then
SHOW the MOB your
words have MEANING.”
okay, b.a. \ yell back that we

want some ASSURANCES
that he’ll keep his word.
JUSTINIA gets her day in “seems REASONABLE to me. sure. sure.”

court and NO HARM comes
to her until that happens. “you have my WORD that it will be as you
have SPOKEN. the BUTCHER gets a TRIAL
and no MAN shall harm your friends.”
oh, and the INCIDENT
with the FARMERS in
the MARKET PLACE -- damn, that was
that’s all WATER EASY. done deal, oh no!
UNDER THE BRIDGE. dude. let’s take it.
HOLD UP.
he SEEMS
honest enough.
\ want his
PERSONAL
guarantee
on that.
do you think \ was

born YESTERDAY, b.a.? heeeey!!! yer RIGHT!!!
the SNEAKY BASTARD.

no “MAN” shall harm my he was SETTIN’ us up.
friends?? shy’a right.
hey, BURGUNDY
you don’t think \ good CATCH, big guy. has been around.
KNOW what that means?
we almost WALKED he’s seen it ALL.
they TOSS us over right into that one.
the WALLS and let good
the DOGS do job,
their DIRTY WORK. brian.

“okay, okay, ya GOT me on that one. can’t blame a man for trying. -ahem-”
“but BLOOD’S been drawn here. LOVED ONES have been cut down. TEMPERS are HIGH.
we just can’t pretend it never happened. a PRICE must be paid. JUSTICE demands it.”
wait, guys. \ think he’s about to

\ say ENOUGH talk.
ah ha!! so he make a COUNTER PROPOSAL.
they want a FIGHT?
WAS tryin’ to let’s GIVE ‘em one. let’s hear what
pull a FAST one. he has to say.
“concerning the FIVE

THOUSAND GOLD PIECE
reward on the girl’s head...”
hey, that’s not a BAD
“suppose we were to call it proposal. what do WE \ agree. apparently one of my
WERGILD -- money to be PAID care? it’s not coming ORATION rolls didn’t STICK.
to the poor LOVED ONES of out of OUR pocket.
those so VICIOUSLY cut down
this may be the BEST we can expect.
by your friends” whatta ya think?
sounds
\ vote we good to me that’s it
“perhaps such a
accept. then.
GESTURE would
SATIATE the
mob’s THIRST for
VENGEANCE.”
A WEE BIT LATER...

alright, b.a.
as soon as you THROW DOWN your arms and come
\ yell down we have a DEAL. out, you are CONSUMED by the MOB as they
OVERBEAR you and DRAG you toward the TOWN SQUARE.
as soon as he
confirms the their RIOTOUS cries for
TERMS discussed VENGEANCE echo off the walls of
and gives his buildings as you make your way oh dear. this isn’t
ASSURANCES, we’ll down the NARROW streets. good. this isn’t
open the doors and good at ALL.
come out. GAAAA!!!
q
they LIED? DOH!!

“oh, \ haven’t BROKEN my word” the man cries out as you are
now JUST a dog-gone dragged up the steps of the PILLORY and bound HAND and FOOT.
minute, B.A.
we had us a DEAL!!
the man gave his WORD. “the BUTCHER gets her TRIAL
as do the REST of you.” let’s not give up HOPE
just yet. there’s
“and no “HARM” shall come to STILL a chance we’ll
damn. we’ve get a FAIR trial.
your two FRIENDS unless so been HAD.
PRESCRIBED by the COURT.”
this ain’t
right, b.a.
you KNOW
it ain’t.
A WEE BIT LATER STILL...

he looks at out the crowd and points to
the FOUR of you with a long, spindly stick.
“\ say they are GUILTY!!“

after you have been tied to the PILLORY.
the self-imposed MOB LEADER steps
upon a STONE BENCH and motions “what say YE? are they
for the CROWD to be silent. GUILTY or NO?!!
as the mob EXPLODES with shouts

“my fellow CITIZENS. of “GUILTY! GUILTY!!” the man
the TOWN is in a STATE turns to you and smiles.
of EMERGENCY.”
“guilty as
“\ propose we get on CHARGED!!”
with this TRIAL as
QUICKLY as possible.”
“now it’s a question

of PUNISHMENT.”
so much for
“let us be QUICK a FAIR TRIAL. well, THAT didn’t go as
about this and expected. any ideas?
to the point...”
\’m THINKIN’
on it.
TO BE CONTINUED...

IP
kay, as a recent KODT LIVE READING was winding down, we opened
STR O it up to the audience to ask questions about the strips. I was a little
stunned to learn that many of those asking questions seemed to have bet-
ter recall of the strips than I did.
TEASE
That’s what inspired this new feature. Just how good IS your recall? Think you
know your KODT inside and out? Okay, hero. Let’s find out. The following
are one panel excerpts from various strips. Your mission? Figure out the story
urn and issue they came from. Good luck. —Jolly.
by Jolly R. Blackb (By the way — Answers can be found at www.kenzerco.com)
oh it’s gonna be no i want him to see who CRIPES DUDE, RELAX!!!

SWEET getting pulled the trigger. he killed ALMIGHTY¡¡ WE’RE NSB AGENTS!!! WE’RE
REVENGE. let’s my character with a hurled CUSTOMS?? AND WE’RE GAWDS TO THESE RENT-A-COP TYPES!!!!
all shoot him in the shot glass. and all i did was LOADED FOR BEAR!!! WHAT
back and run for it. ARE WE GOING TO DO??
ask him if he could play DAVE’S RIGHT!!! JUST FLASH
“SMOKE ON YER BADGES AND ACT COOL!!
THE WATER.”
I TOLD YOU THIS
WASN’T A GOOD IDEA!!
1.
2.
LATER STILL... DAVE ARE YOU GETTING

THIS FOR CRYING OUT
THIS ALL MARKED DOWN LOUD!! MONFYR WENT
ONCE AGAIN YOU LAND IN A SUCKS!!! ON THE MAP? DAVE??
BLOODY HEAP AT THE BOTTOM WE’RE SPENDING FREAKIN-BANANAS
OF A TEN FOOT PIT WITH ALL OUR TIME UH...UH....HMMMM. WITH THE PITS IN THIS
SPIKES. THE FLOOR OF THE PIT FALLING IN THESE WHERE THE HELL LABYRINTH!!
IS COVERED WITH FRESH STUPID PITS. ARE WE??
BLOOD AND BROKEN GLASS.
3.
yeah, yeah, \ don’t care much for any of THAT stuff.

FEED ME
just point the way to the NEAREST bar. \’m ready to
raise some HELL and do a little RABBLE ROUSING!!
A LINE
W HO SAID IT AND WHERE ?
EL RAVAGER is going to get RIPPED!
well... take your he’s really UPSET about losing his 1: “okay, \’m kinda SPOOKED
pick. there must be SWORD. nobody better MESS with him. what with that GREEN DOOR and
a DOZEN different
the excessive length of that
WATERING HOLES to
ROOM DESCRIPTION. this
choose from.
“CHECK FOR TRAPS”
calls for the APPROPRIATE die.”
2: “\
ENTERTAIN the DWARF
with a RAMBLING TALE of
my YOUTH among the ELVES
of the LARWIN’GETTY!!”
4.

Full House by jolly r. blackburn
LATER THAT SAME NIGHT...
hey, guys. GRUNGE

WARRIOR
what can \ Just In!
DO for ya? eepa
NEW EDITION
koo?
OPEN!!
COPIES!!! WE NOW
WE NOW MAKE
RENT
BOARD and
CARD GAMES! GRAB THE BULL
BY THE HORNS
hey HOSS! \’m just here to set up for the hey, what’s oh, that’s SQUIRRELY.
POKER GAME. they ran us out of RILEY’S. with the
things should be MIGRATING here soon. MONKEY? don’t worry about HIM. \ can
SEE that.
he’s
little EARLY
kewl.
isn’t it?
it’s not even

MIDNIGHT. GRRRRRR!!
so this is IT, huh? the place where hey, you’ve met SWITCH before ain’t ya bob?
all yer GAMIN’ BUDDIES hang out? he used ta HANG OUT with me at HAWG'S.
gee, \ was expectin’ hey, RING me

yep! this oh... yeah. he just
something a up a pack of
is the got back in
little DIFFERENT. them SmOKES.
place. hey SWITCH. TOWN. \
invited him
place to SIT in
reminds me tonight.
of
a ZIPPY
MART.

PAY the man for hey bob. we’re gonna crack a few
me -- would ya, hoss? BREWS and set up the BACK ROOM.
\ can’t get to my
WALLET at the moment. do me a FAVOR -- WOULD ya? he’s a SUIT-AND-TIE
we ran into a fellow at the type. HIGH ROLLER!!
CARD GAME over at RILEY’S.
ummm, yeah. figure he might as well
he was lookin’ for some lose his MONEY to US
sure thing. rather than over THERE.
AFTER HOURS action.
\ gave him DIRECTIONS. if he
SHOWS up, send him on back.
yeah, yeah.
sure.
MOMENTS LATER... FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER...
okay, so where WERE oh yeah. they’re STILL talkin’ about THAT one.
we before we were
interrupted? oh yeah... think \’m foolin’? you ride on over to
\ was tellin’ ya -sigh- now
ANDERSON and ask around. they’ll tell ya. who’s THIS
about my CHARACTER.
comin’ in?
been EIGHT YEARS and they
well anyway, KNUCKLES is STILL take off their HATS frickin’ great.
ALWAYS doing stuff like that.
and BOW their heads when
you know his GREAT GRAND you mention KNUCKLES over a CUSTOMER.
PAPPY snatched the STAR OF at GAME PORT MONTY’s.
THE BLIND MAGE from the
palm of the APE GAWD.
oh, \ could tell
ka-roo?? ya a MILLION
stories about him.
straight up.
the ONLY
guy to DO
it as far
as | know.
hey? \ saw the light. can someone please HELP me? \ must have some BAD directions here. any idea
where \ can find FOUR-ONE-SIX, NORTH MAR...
\’m lookin’ for a POKER GAME. \ must’ve
DRIVEN around the BLOCK a DOZEN TIMES. BOB?!! is that you?
x
haven’t they heard of my gawd. what are
STREET LIGHTS in this YOU doing here?
NEIGHBORHOOD?
can’t see the NUMBERS

on the damn BUILDINGS. D-DAD?!!
to be continued...

The Death Wish by david s. kenzer,
and jolly r. blackburn
RECAP: last week okay ladies, \ sure as ummm, EXCUSE ME, sir.
NEWT'S main character, hell hope you came READY
FOUL RAVEN, returned TO RUMBLE, because
to the party from tonight it’s about to hit -sigh- YES!!!
training -- training the PROVERBIAL FAN!! what is it, NEWT.
funded by a HIGH-
INTEREST LOAN level seven make it SNAPPY we’re
provided by the of the burning GAME TIME.
CALAMITUS BROTHERS SUBTERRANEAN
(pete and stevil’s DWELLING OF yes, sir.
characters). ARKA’PATAANG sorry, sir.
awaits you!
FOUL RAVEN'S
collateral on the so with your
loan turned out to be COOPERATION
worth coppers on the we’ll just...
gold and the three
spent the time
between games
RE-NEGOTIATING their
LOAN AGREEMENT.
\ just wanted to POINT OUT that oh, \ DOUBT that, gordo.

FOUL and the CALAMITUS besides, \ don’t see where
BROTHERS have INKED a NEW DEAL it really CONCERNS you.
to replace the OLD LOAN AGREEMENT. that’s right, NITRO.
we didn't want to WASTE game-time \ gotta copy

so we handled it between sessions. you guys RIGHT here.
talked the
hey, \ was just tryin’ if you want to see the
oh dear. you kid into
to watch yer BACK. CONTRACTS \ can have
a NEW really SHOULDN’T signing
DEAL? have done that NEW NEWT run off a copy
forget \ SAID on my new COPY
NEWT. you’re terms?
anything. sheesh. MACHINE out front.
gonna live to
REGRET it -- BET!
A FEW MOMENTS LATER...

maybe you better. sir, would it be okay
if \ just loaned you MY
\’m REALLY interested HEY! can you tell that stupid MONKEY copy so you can RUN down
in seeing what to let me use the COPY MACHINE? he the list of CHANGES?
you COERCED INSISTS \ have to put FIFTY CENTS in the jar.
him into signing.
there! you SEE?
well GOOD for him. what do you think we’re EATING up
\’m RUNNING here? a DAY CARE SCHOOL? GAME TIME. this
ALWAYS happens.
but you SAID \ toner ain’t CHEAP.
you wanna provide just let me SEE
should... -sigh-
copies to the GM? the DAMN THING.
\ didn’t bring it’s on YOUR dime.
yes, sir.
any CHANGE.
of course sir.

you’ll find all the CHANGES
are HIGHLIGHTED in GREEN, sir.
look, just
for cryin’ out loud, because we
PETE. can’t you just shy’a RIGHT!
GAME here
okay, okay, let’s see SPRING for a few
you ain’t seen doesn’t mean
what we have here. COPIES for the kid?
the SERVICE this is
CONTRACT on that the UNITED
the loanee agrees hell, YOUR character
DAMN MACHINE FREAKIN’
to blah blah blah... oh geeze. \ think is INVOLVED in this
squirrely WAY!!
\’m AFRAID to too. not like it’s
even HEAR this. going to BREAK you. LOCKED me into.
do \ ever ask YOU for -firk- son...? you AGREED to INCREASE the
FREE tech support or PRINCIPLE by FIFTY PERCENT!! my gawd....
WHATEVER it is you do in
that CUBICAL of yours? yes. but in RETURN for
NO FURTHER collateral
AND \ AVOID the
hey, \ thought
PENALTY CLAUSES
well actually, that was just
in SUBSECTION 16 B.
YES -- you do. a FRIEND doing
a FRIEND a
OUCH! newt. \ think yer in
who WIRED favor. didn’t
OVER yer head. let’s go back
your store know you’d hey you
ooooo...., to NARDLINGTON and get FOUL a
for ETHERNET? THROW it MEDDLER!
this HURTS GOOD ATTORNEY. you
in my face. pretty
to read. might be able to GET out of it.
SLICK,
eh? hey!! stay OUT of
this, BUTTERFLY BOY!
you MIGHT as -sputter- LATE PAYMENTS are charged

well see it ALL, nitro. INTEREST at a rate of ONE PERCENT but TRUST ME. \ KNOW
compounded MONTHLY plus ONE what \’m doing.
there’s MORE. POTION, SCROLL or 10 CHARGES \ won’t be MISSING any
take a GANDER at on a WAND, STAFF or ROD??!! PAYMENTS so that
SECTION 7. -snicker- CLAUSE will NEVER
son, you DO realize this is come into play.
going to end with your character
that was as an INDENTURED SERVANT.
MY idea. that’s where \ OUT
yep. that is a SMARTED them, sir.
got the idea REAL POSSIBILITY,
from the new sir.
LEASE old man
PAVEY had
me sign on
the GAMES PIT
a few
years back.

the KID was so worried about that little
wow, pete. yer “GRUDGE LIST” \ started that he AGREED
LANDLORD accepts
to those FRONT-LOADED interest payments in
MAGIC ITEMS as
RETURN for us agreeing NOT to HUNT DOWN
RENT PAYMENTS? -
and SLAY all of his relations, kin, heirs, and
snicker-
seed to the 100th generation OUT OF SPITE.
hey, let’s not forget
not to BRAG,
that the INTEREST
but \’ll have \’ll give the little
is COMPOUNDED.
to take CREDIT RUNT credit. he oh yeah. we
we OWN the kid.
for that TRIED to play HARD DEFINITELY
part too. BALL. unfortunate- own his ASS.
he just doesn’t
KNOW it yet. ly he BLINKED.
good grief, newt. \’m tellin’ ya, newt. this CAN’T end well.
a GAWD OATH? you let spare yourself the AGONY and HUMILIATION.
them talk you into
making a GAWD OATH??! suicide yer character NOW. roll up a
NEW GUY. or activate CRIMSON TWILIGHT
-sigh- well, that’s again. he was a pretty KEWL character. my, my. a
it \ suppose. tad TOUCHY
everything looks anything is BETTER than the “WALK OF DOOM” for someone
to be in order. foul raven is about to EMBARK on. who
\’m glad “KNOWS”
you shut up, gordo. what’s the matter, what he’s
not to APPROVE if \ want your SQUIRT? feeling a doing.
mention sir. OPINION, FOUL will little on the EDGE?
BINDING. SLAP it out of you.
alright ladies. you’re STILL lolly

gaggin’ at the ENTRANCE to the comrades, my FAITHFUL protege CRIMSON told me the TREASURE
dungeon -- BIVOUACKED with your ROOM is RUMORED to be somewhere on LEVEL SEVEN.
entourage of HENCHMAN,
HIRELINGS and PROTEGES… \ PROPOSE we STORM the level by SURPRISE and TAKE IT by force!
give any GUARDIAN MONSTERS down there the SURPRISE of their LIVES.
what do you want to do?
\’m not sure what
x you’re suggesting.
x
you mean just RUSH in?
sure. why not?

look, SHEMP. \ don’t know what you put in your WHEATIES this
morning, but we do not “STORM” into UNKNOWN GROUND. \ don’t get it, newt.
what’s with the
sudden BRAVADO?
let’s be honest here. it’s not like our
party hasn’t been CUTTING a swath okay. \ HATE to admit it, let’s just say FOUL RAVEN’s blade
through nitro’s DUNGEON like a HOT but the KID is talking is THIRSTY from LACK of use.
KNIFE through butter. his WUSS SENSE for once.
MONSTERS have been little more than he’s been OUT OF ACTION for
a while and looks FORWARD to
a minor ANNOYANCE up to this point. \ like the ATTITUDE. putting his SKILLS with
the sword to GOOD USE again.
we’ve been KICKING major PATOOTIE.
well said, boy. there may be HOPE for you yet. PA-LEEZE!! even my LOWLY protege,
CRIMSON, has been DEALING OUT
more SMACK than DEALT by these
throw CAUTION to the wind? FLIMSY MONSTERS guarding the place.
so that’s our GAME eh?
here here.
precisely my FAIR
RIGHT ON!!
WINGED FRIEND.
hey guys. we’re talkin’
about LEVEL SEVEN
kewl. we HAVE been here. level SIX was no he’s right.
WALKING the walk and CAKE WALK you know. we OWN
walkin’ SASSY lately. this place. are you
guys frickin’
INSANE?
will you SHUT the FRICK up?? \’m sorry, but \ PLAYED in the ORIGINAL version of
SUBTERRANEAN DWELLING OF ARKA’PATAANG as it was
talkin’ TRASH like that in FRONT of INTENDED to be ran.
the GM? what are you tryin’ to do?
it was a WHOLE lot tougher
get us all WASTED by GRUDGE MONSTERS? than THIS pansified version.
uh oh... \’m BAILING on ya kid.

this is a properly PANSIFIED?!!! \ think you just pushed the
lose our PREPARED adventure. get a
BRAVADO thing a little too far.
SPINE, nitro wouldn’t use CLUE
did we? GRUDGE MONSTERS. PIXIE-
BREATH. -gulp-
great.
NOW you’ve
brace
done it.
yerselves.

alright, that’s ENOUGH punks!! and JUST so we’re clear on this --
\ do NOT use GRUDGE MONSTERS to
son, if you were trying to
deal with COCK-SURE ARROGANT players.
PUSH my buttons then
you just SUCCEEDED royally.
no disrespect intended, sir, but a pack of
DRUNKEN HALFLING GRANDMAS sans ARMOR
sure you can TALK
could sweep this PRE-SCHOOLER DUNGEON.
it up. now let’s
see if you can
BACK it up on
LEVEL SEVEN. -spit- -sputter-
PRE-SCHOOLER??!! oh geeze. NOW
he’s done it.
A WEE BIT LATER...
sorry, newt! your ANGAWA BATTLE CRY

only seems to have PISSED OFF
the SCORN GIANTS even more.
you got THAT right.
-gulp- better give
NEWT a WIDE see what HAPPENS when
BERTH, guys. you ENCOURAGE the kid?
they single you out
GRUDGE MONSTERS for TARGETING as they
definitely coming oh lord. VENT their ANGER.
up the queue! definitely some
SLAP DOWN comin.
take off another

TWENTY-SIX points
of damage and
roll for INIT.
oh, |’M sorry -- did that HURT?? HAR HAR!! oh man, this is GREAT!
damn, newt! get the \ just wish \ had some POPCORN.
\ hope you’re not DOWN just yet ‘coz HELL out of there.
there’s a pair of trained STURM the kid has SPUNK -- even IF he’s
WOLVES padding out onto the scene after your ill-fated getting himself KILLED for no
and they’d LOVE to PLAY with you. CHARGE against the GOOD REASON. teh-heh -snort-
DEATH KNIGHTS in the
MESS HALL, \ didn’t
fine! fine! whatever. think your TACTICALS
could get much worse. uh oh...
\ LOVE a good fight.
BRING ‘EM ON!!!
e! scrib
eras ! scrib ble!
e
eras ble!

pa-pa-pete! we got WHO CARES? if he DIES we have a good ol’
a BIG PROBLEM here. LAUGH and then WASTE them GIANTS ourselves.
ssssshhhhhhhh!!!
NO you MORON!! forget huh. what’s that?
this is getting GOOD. about the GIANTS. our loan?
let’s ENJOY the show.
what about our LOAN??
no, LISTEN TO ME!! what

if the kid BITES IT??!
think about it. if RAVEN-BOY dies we’re

SCREWED! we’ll have to LIQUIDATE his if we want FULL VALUE from this deal,
ASSETS in order to SETTLE the DEBT. we’ve gotta KEEP the hack-brat ALIVE!!
that’s right. so he can

you know NITRO when CONTINUE to draw his
it comes to HAGGLING. SHARES and give us
-sputter- saaaay,
yer RIGHT!!! his frickin’ PAYMENTS. well HELL FIRE, what
he’ll BONE us on at least
are we WAITING for?
TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT of
the VALUE. maybe MORE.
let’s DO it!!
YO! NITRO. a CRY rises up from the SIDELINES! ummmm, guys? what are you doing?
this is MY fight. \ got it under CONTROL.

the CALAMITUS BROTHERS to the RESCUE!!!
like HELL you do.

makin’ a CALLED SHOT to and \ got TWO
the head. then the CHEST FIREBALLS we’re pullin’ yer
with SCORCHING ARROWS comin’ ONLINE!! BUTT out of the
OF MEEKNESS PLUS FIVE! SLING, hero.
those what the hell’s

GIANTS are gotten INTO
sho GOING you, anyway?
sho oka! DOWN!
oka
!

A WEE BIT LATER...
\ don’t get it. it’s like the kid

nice going, newt. for his EFFORTS, foul raven is REWARDED is trying to SUICIDE his
with a FACE FULL of FIRE LIZARD’S breath! BLINDED and in character or something.
AGONY he staggers BACKWARDS toward the POOL OF LAVA.
now why the hell

go ahead and hrrmmmpphhh. would he do THAT?
make a SAVE to is THAT all he had?
what the hell? why
see if you lose
would ANYONE kick \’m not sure.
your FOOTING
damn, newt. a SLEEPING fire but he’s UP to
and tumble in.
he hasn’t lizard in the ASS? something. \
SLAPPED the KNOW it.
sass out of BAAAA!! you
you yet? give him TOO
much credit.
he’s being
an IDIOT.
that’s all.
NITRO, \ burn a CHARGE on my RING

a SAVING THROUGH, eh? maybe \ should CHANGE OUT my dice.
OF TELEKINESIS to STEADY the lad!!
hmmmm... \ haven’t used this WHITE one in a while.
-firp- huh? WADDA YA and |’M engaging the

DOIN’, NEWT?!! you don’t FIRE LIZARD to keep
good gawd! who
use COLD DICE. him off his back!!
in their RIGHT
mind changes out
run with your CRIMSON DICE in roger that! \’ll
CRUISER!! you ALWAYS the MIDDLE of a have some SPELLS
make your SAVES vs. SESSION? up to help you as
FIRE with THAT one.
SOON as \’m ABLE.
hey, \’ve got madness!!
this SPECKLED
ONE \’ve never
used before.
A WEE BIT LATER STILL...
sorry newt. since FOUL RAVEN failed to SEARCH

for traps you feel the GROUND begin to oh WOW, stevil.
MOVE ever so slightly beneath your feet.
\ never knew CALAMITUS
at the same INSTANT you hear a GRINDING was so HEROIC.
noise as two BALLISTAE fire out from....
GAAAA!! \ LEAP in you’re takin’

front of RAVEN good call, yeah, yeah, whatever.
a BOLT...? let’s not make a MOVIE-
and SHIELD him stevil.
from the BOLTS!! OF-THE-WEEK out of it.
for ME??
good call.

as the night CHURNS on...
my my stevil.
that WAS heroic. okay, guys. that’s it for now. let’s head for the SURFACE.
perhaps MORE pete and \ are HURTING pretty badly. we need to regroup.
than you know.
you manage to
BLOCK the bolts
one more
and take THIRTY- but we haven’t room?
NINE points found enough
actually, \’m shya’right.
of DAMAGE LOOT yet.
GOOD for one \ don’t know
as a RESULT.
more room. about YOU
let’s do ONE guys, but \’m
more room. TAIL LIGHTS.
it’s up
to you guys.
oh, and make a
SAVE versus
DEATH. the bolts
were POISONED.
aaaaaahhh, wattza matter, girls? is my little YOU WANT ME TO

“PANSIFIED” adventure kicking your SORRY butts? STEP IT UP A BIT?!!
finding it TOUGH to hang out HUH, HERO?!! WELL,

with the BIG BOYS are we? YOU JUST GOT YER WISH!!
actually sir, \’m finding things to be newt...?

ASS-ACHINGLY DULL. ya think maybe ROLL FER
you could STEP things up a bit? my gawd. INIT!!
what are
you trying very
-sputter- to do?
ASS-ACHINGLY well, sir.
DULL?
damn. \’m beginning to think you may be sunuvabitch!!

RIGHT, stevil. the kid DEFINITELY has a \’m tellin’ ya he’s
DEATH WISH. what the hell’s his ANGLE? UP to something. and to think you
took a BOLT for him.
but what??
\’m not sure. what fer? that
lemme see a copy baby’s IRON CLAD.
of that LOAN
AGREEMENT.
to be continued...

Fuzzy Knights of the Dinner Table by Noah J.D. Chinn

Knights of the Dinner Table, Spacehack and all prominent characters and likenesses thereof are trademarks of Kenzer and Company.

EPISODE 5: BURNE UNLEASHED

™

Knights of the Dinner Table, Heroes of the HackLeague and all prominent characters and likenesses thereof are trademarks of Kenzer and Company.

™
RUSTLERS OF THE NIGHT
their time in beer, but they prefer to live inside a warm-
blooded creature. They wait for an unwary soul to swal-
low them, and then they begin to feed on their host’s
organs.
Beer Lurkers will do 1d4-1 points of damage per day, until

they have killed the victim by completely consuming his
organs. Once they consume their host, they will live only
a few hours unless they can find another host or find their
way into a body of water. Most are either eaten by a
scavengers or find their way into the local sewage system.
Anyone who ingests a beer lurker will feel ill within 1d4
hours after consumption. Symptoms include painful inter-
nal cramping and chills. By the second day of infestation,
the victim may notice slight bleeding from bodily orifices.
Even if he notices these symptoms, only a skilled healer
will be able to determine the cause of his illness. A suc-
cessful healing skill check is necessary to determine the
victim’s ailment. This is modified by +5% for every point
of Wisdom of the healer above 13.
The Beer Lurker can only be removed from the body

with surgery, a Cure Disease, or a Wish. When a Beer
Lurker becomes dislodged from a victim through a Cure
Disease spell or Wish, it does 1d10 points of additional
Beer Lurker damage upon tearing itself out of the victim’s flesh. This
AKA: Suds Demon is quite painful, and the victim must make a Threshold of
HACKFACTOR: Pain Check, regardless of the actual damage done, at –2,
EP VALUE: or be incapacitated for 1d8 hours. Beer Lurkers removed
CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Beer/warm-blooded creatures by surgical means do not do additional damage, but the
FREQUENCY: Rare patient will take 1d3 weeks to recover from surgery
ORGANIZATION: Solitary unless they are healed of the surgical trauma by magical
DIET: Internal organs/beer means.
INTELLIGENCE: Animal (1)
ALIGNMENT: Neutral HABITAT/SOCIETY: Beer Lurkers can only repro-
NO. APPEARING: 1 duce in beer. The fermented grains are necessary for
SIZE: T (1”-6”) their asexual reproduction, so Beer Lurkers instinctively
MOVEMENT: 1” swim seek out taverns and inns. They can survive in any water-
PSIONIC ABILITY: Nil based liquid, and most find their way into beer through
ATTACK/DEFENSE MODES: Nil/Nil wells and rivers. If they are poured out onto the ground,
MORALE: Fearless (19) they will be helpless, and will die in 1d4 seconds. They are
ARMOR CLASS: -1 also killed by hot water, or anything else that would sep-
NO. OF ATTACKS: 1 arate them from their habitat. When expelled from a
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1d4-1 per day/1d10 host, they will die within 1d4 hours unless they find
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Parasite another host body or some hospitable liquid.
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Camouflage
MAGIC RESISTANCE: Standard ECOLOGY: Brewers who are very careful about
HIT DICE: 1 hp hygiene when brewing can pretty much be assured that a
Beer Lurker will not infest their beer. Individuals with the
DESCRIPTION: Beer Lurkers are tiny parasites who Brewing skill must state they are cleansing their brewing
make their homes in beer. They resemble small, squat containers and their water thoroughly before use, or
worms with a mouth full of sharp teeth. Their bodies are there is a 10% chance a Beer Lurker will find its way in.
a light amber color that blends in perfectly with most ales. ❑
Anyone who looks into a tankard containing a beer lurk- YIELD:
er has a 5% chance of spotting its teeth, eyes or some MEDICINAL: Nil
movement. Buzzed, Sloshed, or Wasted drinkers have a SPELL COMPONENTS: The body of a Beer Lurker can be
0% chance of noticing the parasite. People with the used to replace the verbal or somatic components of a Purify
Astute Observation talent get a +10% bonus to notice Water or Purify Food and Drink spell.
something unusual. HIDE/TROPHY ITEMS: Pixie Fairies can use Beer Lurker
teeth as arrow heads for peashooter croosbow bolts.
COMBAT/TACTICS: Beer Lurkers spend most of TREASURE: Nil.

GAMEMASTERs’ ™
WO R K S H O P
ALL
THINGS
MAGIC
O F F I C I A L M AG I C
ITEMS FOR YOUR
H AC K M A S T E R C A M P A I G N
P IPES OF S MALL C HARMS

EPV: 7,000 GPV: 95,000
his one-of-a-kind item was designed especially for use by an
T evil bard seeking to lure children and small humanoids into

the clutches of his evil master. Whenever this bard, known
as Simik Swiligus, plays these pipes, the nearest 1d6 children or
small humanoids within 60 feet must save vs. spell or follow the
bard unerringly for 2d4 hours, enough time for him to march them
into the clutches of his master.
The pipes will affect any PC who is size small or tiny. Once
under the spell, they will be taken to a large, evil man named
Globus Smat, or Lord Smat. He will immediately strip them of all
possessions except their clothing and footwear, and put them to
work on his estate and pig farm.
If the pipes were ever to be stolen from Simik, only another bard
could use them. Such a bard must have a proficiency in woodwind
instruments and be evil, as these pipes are of evil alignment as well.
Good-aligned bards who try to use them will suffer .25 alignment
infraction points per use.
The Pipes of Small Charms are never out of Simik’s possession,
however. He even sleeps with them, knowing that if they were to be
lost, he would very possibly lose his status with Lord Smat, and even
his life.
Similar pipes have been rumored to exist, with various charm spells embedded, and they are not all evil. It is even said that
there exists a set of pipes that can control dragons, but this rumor has not been confirmed. Such items are extremely rare
and most have been created for use by specific individuals.
The Pipes of Small Charms are very small themselves, and can fit into the palm of a medium-sized creature. There is noth-
ing special about their appearance, other than their unusual size. They were created to be inconspicuous. They are made of
wood, with no adornment whatsoever. However, if one were to detect magic on them, they would give off a shimmering
magical aura. Their tone is very pleasing and their music has a light, tinkling quality, like that of a fine music box. ❑
By Barbara Blackburn
eek
akP
e
Sn
Divine
Masters
A preview of GAWDS &
DEMI-GAWDS
and the ZEALOT’S GUIDE
s your HackMaster campaign lacking spirit? Has your
I cleric been reduced to a walking cure dispenser? Are you

looking to dish out a little gawdly vengeance? Well then,
help has arrived! In the next two months, Kenzer and
Company will be releasing two books destined for you. The
first to be released is Gawds and Demi-Gawds, a complete
look at all the dieties that populate Garweeze Wurld.
Collected in one volume are all the divine powers that bick-
er and fight for the affection of mortals. But even if you’re
not currently playing HackMaster, all these deities are
bound to find a place in your campaign.
Following quickly on its heals is the Zealot’s Guide to
Wurld Conversion, the definitive guide to clerics, druids,
and their kin. This indispensible volume contains new class-
es, new skills, new talents, new spells, new equipment, and
all new ways to play a cleric.
This month, from these volumes, we present all you need
to know about Luvia, the blind gawd. Much maligned by
the Knights of the Dinner Table, it turns out the “wuss
gawd” has a little more punch that one might expect. Luvia
has quite a few interesting powers, and his specialty clerics,
called zealots, are instruments of divine justice.
Zealots are the fanatic priests of the major gawds. They
are more devoted than standard clerics; they devote them-
selves entirely to their gawd. As a result, they gain a small
measure of their gawds power, in the form of special abilities.
However, because of their specialty, they lose some abilities LUVIA - GREATER GAWD
associated with standard clerics. They have a smaller spell AKA: The Blind Gawd, The Wuss Gawd (derogatory),
list. Some zealots can no longer turn undead. They get Patron Gawd of Endangered Species
fewer building points, they have higher ability requirements, Turf: Seven Heavens
and more stringent experince point charts. But for the truly Armor Class: -15
devoted, the zealot, it is all worth it. Move: 12"
With the material from the Gawds and Demi-Gawds Hit Points: 5,312 (2,656 as intermediate gawd)
book and the Zealot’s Guide to Wurld Conversion, clerics No. of Attacks: 5/2
can finally take their place among the other classes as pow- Damage/Attack: 1-8 (+8)
erful, viable adventurers. They are no longer walking heal- Special Attacks: Polymorph to inanimate object
ing factories or preachy little weakling. Finally harness the Special Defenses: Per character class
power of the gawds with these divine agents. Magic Resistance: 50%

Size: M must defend the last of any species, even against allies. Scales
Alignment: Lawful good must attempt to intervene and resolve any disputes they
Spheres of Control: Justice encounter. Zealots cannot lie except under magical compul-
Symbol: A scale sion (for which they must still atone).
Cleric: 20th level cleric Background: Zealots are unflinching in their quest for
Fighter: 20th level fighter justice. They insist that justice must be done, even if long
Magic-User: 20th level magic-user delayed, and make great efforts to bring in those who com-
Thief: Nil mit unjust acts.
S: 20/50 (+3, +8) D: 21/60 C: 29/76 I: 28/17 W: 29/69 Zealots of Luvia are often called upon in smaller commu-
CH: 27/19 COM: 17/04 nities and by those unwilling to subject themselves to legal
decisions by lesser judges. When judging any dispute, the
Luvia appears as a simply dressed, blindfolded human zealot must imitate his gawd by tying a white blindfold
man. He has been cursed to reside in a blind body for his around his eyes (even if he is actually blind). In lawful good
role in the War of the Tablet of the Ages (for which he suf- societies, the clergy of Luvia often serves as magistrates and
fers -4 to hit in combat, though this is somewhat balanced judges. Often they hold court in their temples.
by his other bonuses). Furthermore, he has sworn an oath The church of Luvia prefers to dress its temples and cler-
of his own not to intervene directly in the affairs of mortals. gy in gold. They use real gold gilding whenever possible, but
There are, of course, many loopholes in this oath. One of also make extensive use of cloth-of-gold and brass. Zealots
these is in the case when an endangered species is about to wear yellow and gold clothes, but surprisingly rarely adorn
be destroyed (though he can only do so once per creature). themselves with a gaudy collection of jewelry.
Luvia commands a pair of ravens (Mishap and Zealots’ Relationship to Standard Clerics: The numerical
Circumstance) that he uses to both spy on the world of mor- dominance of zealots or standard clerics in this church varies
tals and to convey messages to other gawds such as his ally from region to region. In some areas there are more zealots,
Benyar. Sages debate over whether or not both gawds comin others more standard clerics. The leaders of any temple
mand the same pair of magical birds or there are really two are all from the majority group. Whichever order has the
sets of nearly identical divine avian servants. majority runs the temple, but of course they treat the minor-
Luvia teaches his followers that an act of kindness, even in ity clergy fairly.
its simplest form, can pay rich dividends. Luvia and all his Special Powers: Blind justice: If the zealot misses his tar-
followers strive to judge others fairly, not by appearances but get with his first attack (missile, melee, or magical) of an
by merits. However, when one is judged negatively by the encounter, the target automatically misses the zealot, also.
Blind Gawd, his wrath is swift and powerful. He is particu- However, if the target attacks first and misses, the zealot
larly fond of Polymorphing judged victims into an inani- automatically misses on one attack attempt. Note that the
mate object such as lumps of coal. He prefers to use spells zealot cannot avoid this penalty by using some means of
in combat but his Long Sword +7 Holy Reaver is useful attack that does not require a roll – he misses on his next
should he need to get physical with someone. attack regardless of when it takes place.
Zealots of Luvia can prepare and cast Detect Lie in the
ZEALOTS OF LUVIA, GAWD OF JUSTICE place of any 2nd or 3rd level spell slot. At 10th level, they
Title: Scale can use Detect Lie as a special power, without preparation or
Alignment: Lawful good prayer, twice per day. At 16th level, a zealot of Luvia can
Ability Requirements: Intelligence 13, Wisdom 16 Detect Lie at will.
Prime Requisite: Wisdom Scales gain a +2 on all saving throws against
Hit Die Type: d8 illusion/phantasm spells and effects.
To-hit Progression: Cleric Holy Days: Day of Justice on the 14th of Nardur’Kiev,
Saving Throw Tables: Cleric Gronger Fest
Building Point Bonus: 6
Spelljacking: No RITUALS
Spell Spheres: Devotional 6, Charm 3, Divination 7, All Followers: Followers of Luvia must atone for unjust
Healing 2, Sun 2, Warding 5 acts and lies at service every Sa’Mar.
Turn/Command Undead: As cleric 1 level lower Zealots: On the Day of Justice, zealots of Luvia gather
Weapon of Choice: Mace from far and wide with disputes (as record or actual disput-
Weapons Permitted: Crushing only ing parties) that they have been unable to resolve. There, the
Armor Permitted: Any High Priest of Luvia dispenses justice in the name of the
Allowed Races: Human, elf, half-elf gawd with amazing skill and rapidity. One after another, he
STPs: Scales gain the rules of fair play skill at no initial cost. processes long lines of claimants, never waiting more than
The also gain the ancient history and general religion skills ten seconds to decide any case. They say he must commune
at no initial cost. with the gawd for three full days and that during the event,
he is more divine than mortal. Kings and peasants alike may
Other Requirements: Though zealots of Luvia do not join the line, but no one gets special treatment – what every-
need to begin blind, those who have the blindness flaw one gets is plain justice (whether they like it or not). Every
(NOT just blind in one eye) gain 8 BP if cherry picking, 27 inhabitant of Garweeze Wurld has the right to attend this
if rolling. Zealots must also confess all lies and unjust deeds Day and receive a judgment once in his lifetime. The gath-
they have committed before entering the priesthood, howev- ered zealots make certain that the dictates of the gawd are
er trivial outsiders might judge such things. followed. ❑
Symbol: A scale Look for Gawds & Demi-Gawds and the Zealot’s Guide to
Holy Symbol: A miniature set of scales that must func- Wurld Conversion from Kenzer and Company this summer.
tion properly when consecrated Ask for them at your local game store or point your browser to
Restrictions: May not attack last of a species. In fact, www.kenzerco.com.
Pee
eak
Sn
Dangerous
Denizens
A Peek at the New
KINGDOMS OF
KALAMAR
Monster Book
ou’ve been asking for it for years, and now the Special Qualities: Curative transformation, damage
Y Kindgoms of Kalamar Campaign Setting has its

own book of monsters. Dangerous Denizens: The
Monsters of Tellene should be hitting game store shelves at
reduction 5/bludgeoning, darkvision 60 ft., immunity
to acid and cold, undead traits
Saves: Fort +1, Ref +1, Will +6
just about the same time that you are reading this. To whet Abilities: Str 12, Dex 11, Con -, Int 3, Wis 14, Cha 12
your appetite, we’ve exerpted two of our favorite monsters Skills: Listen +8, Move Silently +8, Spot +8
from the book and included them below. As you can tell, Feats: Alertness, Improved Initiative
Dangerous Denizens is fully compatible with the new 3.5 Environment: Any land and underground
rules. In addition, it has plenty of campaign specific infor- Organization: Solitary
mation for those who wish to know exactly how these crea- Challenge Rating: 5
tures fit into the Tellene ecosystem. Included with most Treasure: Standard
monsters is an illustration and a range map indicat- Alignment: Often neutral evil
ing the creature’s primary habitat(s). And for Advancement: 6-12 HD (Medium)
those gamers that don’t play in the Kingdoms Level Adjustment: -
of Kalamar, the creatures are easily convert-
ed to other systems. The Eaten One and TACTICS ROUND-BY-ROUND
the Sturm-Wolf are just two examples of The eaten one slowly flies towards its oppo-
the monsters you’ll find in this fine tome. nents, hoping its foes will destroy it before its
hunger overcomes it.
EATEN ONE Round 0: Aura of hopelessness.
Medium Undead Round 1: Full attack opponent with
Hit Dice: 5d12 (32 hp) least Constitution score.
Initiative: +4 (Improved Initiative) Round 2: Repeat from round 1 until
Speed: 10 ft. (2 squares), fly 30 ft. opponents are defeated; or devour stami-
(poor) na from fallen opponent.
AC: 18 (+3 natural, +1 small steel
shield, +4 chainshirt), touch 15, An eaten one is an ooze-dripping
flat-footed 9 undead creature, created from fallen
Base Attack/Grapple: +2/+3 heroes who have been partially consumed
Attack: Claw +3 melee (1d4+1) or by oozes or other hideous creatures.
bastard sword +3 melee (1d10+1) An eaten one resembles a floating
Full Attack: 2 claws +3 melee (1d4+1) skeleton, missing the lower half of its
or bastard sword +3 melee body and covered with a thin layer of
(1d10+1) slowly dripping ooze. Strangely, this
Space/Reach: 5 ft./5 ft. ooze never seems to cease flowing, save
Special Attacks: Acidic corpse, aura of when the eaten one has been destroyed.
hopelessness, devour stamina Eaten ones retain faint memories of

their former lives and are constantly seeking out heroes who Hit Dice: 6d8+6 (36 hp)
might destroy them and end their current existence. Initiative: +6 (+2 Dex, +4 Improved Initiative)
Unfortunately, when the heroes actually approach the eaten Speed: 50 ft. (10 squares)
one, its inner madness overcomes it, driving it to attack and AC: 15 (+2 Dex, +3 natural), touch 12, flat-footed 13
drain the stamina of those who would end its anguish-filled Base Attack/Grapple: +4/+8
existence. Attack: Claw +8 melee (1d4+4)
Eaten ones may moan and groan, but do not speak or oth- Full Attack: 2 claws +8 melee (1d4+4) and bite +6 melee
erwise attempt to communicate. (2d6+2)
Space/Reach: 5 ft./5 ft.
COMBAT Special Attacks: Ferocity, improved grab, rage, thrash
Eaten ones slowly approach those whom they hope will Special Qualities: Darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision,
end their painful existence. Unfortunately, the eaten one’s scent
aura of hopelessness typically overwhelms its opponents just Saves: Fort +6, Ref +7, Will +0
as its hunger to drain heath overcomes its death wish. Abilities: Str 18, Dex 15, Con 13, Int 2, Wis 10, Cha 4
In combat, eaten ones will always attack the most Skills: Hide +2, Listen +2, Spot +2, Survival +2*
unhealthy foe first, sensing that he or she could be most eas- Feats: Alertness, Improved Initiative, Multiattack
ily overcome. With their foe eliminated, the eaten one Environment: Cold and temperate land
drains its stamina to use against the next opponent, and so Organization: Solitary, pair or pack (3-8 plus 50% cubs
on up the chain until it has only the healthiest enemy to plus 1 leader)
overcome. Challenge Rating: 5
Acidic Corpse (Ex): An eaten one is covered with a high- Treasure: None
ly caustic ooze over its entire body. Touching an eaten one Alignment: Always neutral
deals damage per round for 1d4 rounds or until the ooze is Advancement: 7-9 HD (Medium); 10-12 HD (Large)
washed off, as follows: 1d6 points of acid damage to an Level Adjustment: -
organic creature or objects, 2d6 points of acid damage to a
metallic creature or object, or 3d6 points of acid damage to TACTICS ROUND-BY-ROUND
a stony creature (such as an earth elemental) or object. A As a pack, sturm-wolves normally single out a victim
quart or more of water is needed to wash off the ooze. before savagely attacking. If there are any other targets in the
Aura of Hopelessness (Ex): An eaten one radiates a con- area, the pack takes pursuit once it has downed its first tar-
tinual symbol of hopelessness effect (Will save DC 20) as a get.
60-foot radius emanation. A creature that fails its save is Round 0: Scent enemies approaching.
affected while within this area and for 10 minutes after leav- Round 1: Bite attack.
ing it. A successful save makes a creature immune to the Round 2: Thrash bitten enemy; or full attack new enemy.
eaten one’s aura of hopelessness for 24 hours. Round 3: Repeat from round 2 until defeated.
Devour Stamina (Su): An eaten one can transfer its oppo-
nent’s Constitution score to itself by dealing a killing blow Sturm-wolves are a species of highly aggressive carnivore
with a claw attack. This acquired stamina is used for hit that closely resembles the common wolf. However, there are
points, Fortitude saving throws, resisting poison and similar
threats, but lasts only for 24 hours. If an eaten one devours
the stamina of a new victim while still possessing the stami-
na of the previous one, or if the victim’s Constitution score
would lower the eaten one’s abilities below what it typically
possesses, it uses the highest of the two scores.
Curative Transformation (Ex): A remove curse or remove
disease spell, or a more powerful version of either, transforms
an eaten one into a normal skeleton that can crawl with a
speed of 10 feet. Neither spell restores any missing portions
of the eaten one’s body.
ON TELLENE
Eaten ones can be found wherever flesh-eating monsters
and oozes roam. The caves of Giilia and the Krimppatu
Mountains are whispered to contain such undead - bodies of
former adventurers who were unable to crawl through nar-
row passages quickly enough to escape the fate of being par-
tially devoured.
Some Kargi scholars claim that hobgoblins cannot
become eaten ones, for not even an undead hobgoblin
would be so dishonorable as to attack the weakest foe first.
Plainly, they say, it would attack the healthiest foe first.
Other Kargi speculate that the eaten ones might be restrain-
ing themselves by attacking the weaker enemies first, leaving
the stronger foes ample time to dispatch the eaten one from
its currently dishonorable existence.
STURM-WOLF
Medium Animal

some major differences. They are larger in size, standing ing mating season, usually early spring, when the pack dis-
from 4 to 5 feet at the shoulder. Sturm-wolves have forepaws perses for short periods of time. It is during this time that
with lethal claws that resemble those of a bear. Sturm-wolves sturm-wolves, especially the males, will be encountered
also have powerful frames that resemble those of a bear. In alone.
the dark, a sturm-wolf can easily be mistaken for a large cave Normally the males (particlarly the leader) of a pack will
bear. The coat of a sturm-wolf is usually coal black, though be required to vie for leadership numerous times, as their sta-
various shades and patterns of two or more colors have been tus in the pack will be constantly challenged. When the
reported. pack reforms after mating season, a series of ritual fights
Sturm-wolves have an excellent sense of smell. They can break out between the males. Those who were too young or
normally detect the scent of any large game in a given area inexperienced to beat their competitors during the previous
up to miles away. Sturm-wolves communicate very effec- season will try again. If the current leader has grown too old
tively with barks and high-pitched howls. They use these to or slow, he will be quickly dislodged from his role. After los-
reveal themselves to other sturm-wolves in the area. ing within their own pack, some males venture into another
pack’s territory to challenge the males of that pack.
COMBAT
Sturm-wolves are notorious for overkill; not always killing STURM-WOLF ECOLOGY
just to feed, but for the sake of a kill alone. Sturm-wolves Sturm-wolves prefer large grazing game such as deer,
have the habit of becoming enraged when wounded, and bison, and when the opportunity affords itself, sheep and
severe blows, shouting and so on will drive the creatures into cattle. They will, however, attack any animal they happen to
a fever pitch. From this point, they will not withdraw until encounter within their territory.
either their wounds prevent them from carrying on the Due to their tendency towards overkill, sturm-wolves
attack or they are killed. often deplete their territories of game to the point that a
The powerful jaws of the sturm-wolf are used to snap the pack cannot support itself. It may then attempt to expand
neck of large game animals. The sturm-wolf lunges at its its territory or abandon it in favor of new ranges.
prey, locking its jaws about the animal’s neck and use its Depending on the size and strength of a pack, it may be able
massive weight to aid in breaking the neck. to force another pack from its territory. If not, a pack may
Ferocity (Ex): A sturm-wolf is such a tenacious combatant become uprooted and roam for months in search of a hunt-
that it continues to fight without penalty even while disabled ing range it can control; humans most often encounter these
or dying. sort of packs. Such a pack will often encroach upon human-
Rage (Ex): A sturm-wolf is capable of raging as a barbar- settled lands and attack livestock as well as the human inhab-
ian of a level equivalent to its hit dice. itants.
Improved Grab (Ex): To use this ability, a sturm-wolf
must hit with its bite attack. If it gets a hold, it can thrash. ON TELLENE
Thrash (Ex): A sturm-wolf that gets a hold can use its A few sturm-wolves captured as cubs have been success-
powerful jaws and head to make a thrashing attack for 1d8 fully domesticated and trained. Some Dejy tribes and
additional points of damage. Fhokki clans have used them quite successfully as war-dogs.
Skills: *Sturm-wolves receive an additional +4 racial There is a danger, however. No amount of training or bond
bonus to Survival checks when tracking by scent. between master and sturm-wolf seems to be able to over-
come the wolf ’s tendency to become outraged when
STURM-WOLF SOCIETY attacked or provoked. When sufficiently enraged, the sturm-
Sturm-wolves are social creatures and are rarely found wolf often becomes oblivious to friend or foe, and many a
alone or far from a pack. Packs are territorial, and their ter- trainer has found himself the victim of his own loyal pet.
ritories are very large as it takes a relatively large number of The teeth and claws of a sturm-wolf can demand as much
game animals to support a pack. Territories can average as 200 gp in the larger cities. The hide of a sturm-wolf can
from 25 square miles to 50 square miles. Often the chosen bring up to 500 gp. ❑
territory will be bordered by a large stream or river, where
game animals tend to congregate. The pack will constantly
roam within the bounds of its territory, rarely spending more
than a day at the same location. The main exception is dur-
Look for Dangerous Denizens: The Monsters of Tellene this

month at your favorite game retailer or point your browser to
The range of the Sturm-Wolf www.kenzerco.com.

Cartography by J.R. Blackburn

HOODY-FRICKIN’ HOO¡
THE WAIT IS OVER¡¡
for you JOHNNY-COME-LATELYS who caught

on to KODT AFTER the early issues SOLD OUT,
there’s GOOD NEWS¡¡
grab the “BUNDLES OF TROUBLE” and catch up¡¡
each volume collects 3 ISSUES of KODT¡

and just to be nice, each BUNDLE OF TROUBLE has
RARE & NEVEr BEFORE SEEN strips, stories
and other tasty morsels.
IS THAT KEWL OR WHAT!!?
for back issues & more, visit

WWW≥KENZERCO≥COM
today!!
Game On!
How to Game
Anywhere, Anytime
By Jeff Aldrich
GAME ON! – THE TRAVEL EDITION will construct a sentence that describes something that is
Three Simple Games to Pass the Time happening to the player. The GM may insert simple or
common words into the sentence and even in between the
EQUIPMENT words formed from the sequence of letters. However, the
A decent imagination order of the letters as they appeared on the plate or sign must
Some sort of tokens be preserved. Once the GM says what is happening, the
An empty cup affected player then observes the next passing license plate or
NUMBER OF PLAYERS sign and takes the first three letters to construct a sentence to
Whoever is in the car describe his or her response, using the same format as the
GM. It is now up to the GM to determine whether or not
BACKGROUND the player’s action was successful.
Ah yes, summer. Time for that long awaited road trip. When a player successfully deals with the encounter as
Perhaps you are traveling to a convention, or a renaissance describe by the GM, the player takes a token from the GM
faire, or maybe just to see Aunt Gertie. Car rides are fun for and adds it to his or her pile. If the action is ruled unsuc-
about the first twenty minutes. As you relax in your seat and cessful, then the player puts one of their tokens into the
watch the world go by, you feel a sense of freedom as you lay GM’s cup. Yes, it’s pretty subjective, but GMs should base
down the miles on the open road. Soon, however, you and their decisions on the character’s concept and background,
your traveling companions are sucked into the gaping, soul- also taking into consideration how well the player used the
rending, mind-bending hell that comes about from being in letters to form his or her response. Just have fun and don’t
an enclosed space with other people for long periods of time. take it too seriously.
As the miles drag on, you begin to wonder if it’s really worth For example:
it all. By the end of the journey, you know far too much The GM observes a license plate with the letters GQS.
about the personal lives and bodily functions of your travel- He or she then chooses a player and constructs a sentence to
ing companions. describe what is happening to that player. The GM says,
Well, fear not, brave sojourner! Game On! is here for you "Bob, four Goblins Quickly attack you with Spears."
in your darkest hour. Take these travel games along with you The player observes the next plate or sign and sees that the
on your next road trip and save your sanity! first three letters are MUN. Bob then forms his response, "I
Mash each Ugly one on the Noggin." Based on Bob’s char-
OBJECT acter’s background and concept, the GM must decide
To avoid going insane and doing harm to your fellow trav- whether or not the action could have been successful. If the
elers. action was ruled successful, then Bob takes a token from the
TRAVEL GAME ONE: LICENSE PLATE, THE RPG GM. If the GM rules that the action did not succeed, then
Choose one person to be the Game Master. Everyone else Bob puts one of his tokens in the GM’s pile.
is a player. Players then come up with a concept for their The GM now chooses another player, observes a plate or
character, such as warrior, wizard, or healer – anything is a sign for a new set of letters, and continue in the same for-
possible. Create some background information and poten- mat.
tial skills for each character. The Game Master should bear When a player loses all of his or her tokens, then that
the background of each character in mind for use during character is dead and out of the game. If the GM loses all of
play. Keep the backgrounds and concepts simple – this espe- his or her tokens, then the session is over.
cially applies if the Game Master also happens to be the driv- TRAVEL GAME TWO: THE ABC GAME
er. This is a simple one, and I have used it a number of times
To play, you’ll need some kind of tokens and something to make road trips a little less painful.
to keep them in. An empty soda cup works, but if you The idea is to watch official road signs for the letters of
decide to use a shoe, take great care in doing this. Removal the alphabet. Each player is on the lookout for the letters,
of a shoe in confined spaces can have dire consequences. following the sequence of the alphabet, beginning at A.
Each player and the Game Master gets ten tokens. The When a player spots the letter on a road sign, he or she
GM’s tokens are kept in the cup, and each player is respon- announces the letter and points to the sign. The player who
sible for his or her own tokens. spotted the letter gets a point and the game moves to the
To begin, the GM observes a license plate on another car. next letter in the sequence. If two players announce the
Generally speaking, most license plates will have at least same letter at the same time, no points are awarded, but the
three letters on them. If cars are scarce, you may opt to use game moves on to the next letter. It is possible to spot two
the first three letters on a road sign as you pass by. The GM or more consecutive letters on the same sign, but you are
will choose a player, then using the three letters, he or she

allowed to progress and receive points only if the multiple spotting an item beginning with the proper letter. For exam-
letters appear in the proper order on the sign. For example, ple, while driving down the road, Bob spots an Apple tree.
a road sign could say: Albuquerque City Limits. A, B, and Dave then spots a Buick. Dave follows up by spotting a
C appear in the proper order and can be counted. If one Crow. Bob then fights back by spotting a Dead possum. So
player failed to see one or more of the letters, another play- far Bob and Dave each have two points. The game contin-
er could announce them successfully. Play continues until ues until the entire alphabet has been completed.
all the letters of the alphabet have been found. Tally the
points to determine the winner. So, my friend, do not live in fear of the daunting road
trip. Game On! has armed you with the necessary tools to
TRAVEL GAME THREE: ABC SCAVENGER HUNT protect your sanity. Losers of the various games can be made
While many adults rarely find the alphabet terribly amus- to pump gas, fetch snacks and other demeaning tasks. Not
ing, it can be used as a readily available framework upon happy with your performance? There’s always the trip back
which to base a scavenger hunt. Players are on the lookout home… you’ll show ‘em!
for things that can be seen from the car. Starting with A and No matter where you go, or how far it is… you can still
progressing with the alphabet, players point out items begin- Game On! ❑
ning with the current letter. Players receive one point for

LOOKIN’ AT
COMICS
By Tony DiGerolamo
TH E G O O D, TH E M E D I O C R E,
AN D TH E K I C K -A SS
ey fanboys and fangirls, this month I’ve reviewed a deadend or www.ebg.bizhosting.com). Written and drawn
H whole stack of comics I bought during my travels to

Adventure Con in Allentown, PA. Let’s take a look
at the weird, the wacky, and the wild. First up is:
by Jim Coon and edited by Chris Oscsodal.
Then there’s Mortal Coils from Red Press. The artwork in
the interior is fine, but the cover, I have to say, was WAY too
Comic Bits by Chris Giarrusso (bullpenbits@aol.com). dark and not nearly as exciting as the back cover, which fea-
The tiny, black and white, digest-sized comic book had one tured a man dressed in a native costume, sitting in a direc-
or two panels per page and about 34 pages. I think Chris tor’s chair next to a film camera. The cover, which featured
charged me like 50 cents or a quarter for this comic. It was the three main characters, just bled into the black back-
great fun. Drawn in a very sort of iconic, superhero way, the ground. A. David Lewis shoots high with the first story, but
story centers around "G-man," a boy superhero going to misses. HIs story centers around a character who dreams of
superhero school. It’s funny because the a Xena-like existence and eventually
characters are more kids then they are gets it thanks to a business that is some-
superheroes. They take classes on dodg- how tied into alternate realities.
ing bullets and shooting eye beams. Alternate realities are a favorite of mine
The teachers are older, grizzled super- (see Travelers #16), but Lewis doesn’t
heroes. Although there was one blank pull it off for me. It’s kinda of boring
page (Please fill your blank pages indy and I’m not sure how his alternate real-
comic folk! I will send you a Travelers ities work. The second story, "Vaya
ad!) Comic Bits will soon be appearing Con Dios" features Prometheus and
as a back up comic in the Savage Jesus? I guess? They’re in modern day
Dragon, another comic book I recom- garb and have been roaming the Earth,
mend. but then decide to leave. I just didn’t
On the same table I purchased sever- get it, but maybe I’m thick. This book
al copies of Dead End by Jim Coon and definitely needs some exposition or
Chris Oscsodal. Each issue was eight clearer writing.
pages, photocopied, folded in half, and Mortal Coils from Red Press: 2303
stapled for only 75 cents. Wisely, the 37th Street NW, Washington DC
publisher chose to use different color 20007-1833, adl6@georgetown.edu.
paper stock for the paper covers of this Issue #2 is $3.50, created and written
black and white book. The stories cen- by A. David Lewis. "What Gazes Also"
ter around a superhero group called the pencils & inks by Jason Copland, "Vaya
Suicide Club. The members include the Pink Pussycat (a Con Dios" pencils by Evan Quiring and inks by James
genetically engineered cat-woman), Mr. Axe (a pseudo-vam- Cosper, Cover art by Maria Sundqvist, back cover art by Jean
pire, whatever that is), Willy (the clown genius) and Davey Paul Torres.
(the blue-skinned, and I assumed super-powered, David Desperate Times #1 - #4 from AAAARGH! Comics by
Stonebridge). Dead End is sort of part serious superhero Chris Eliopoulus. AAAARGH! is actually Image, I think, and
comic, part parody and part comedy. I think the strongest the back up story was published by After Hours Press, which
issue was the one where Davey couldn’t get to sleep. It was eventually took over the book. Chris has a new, yet-to-be-
the first issue I read and I did not even realize he was a super- announced publisher. The stories center around the slacker
hero. There was a World Trade Center special that was sur- adventures of Marty, Toad, Marty’s sister, Linda, her ex-
prisingly serious without being too sappy or exploitive. The boyfriend, Doofus, and Kennedy the Sloth. There were
big problem, as I see it, with the comic is that Jim Coon some problems with DT and many critics hammered Chris
(who I am assuming is the creative force behind the issues for his art style, which reminds one of Calvin & Hobbes. In
since his name appears on all of them) steals images of David my mind, that’s not really the problem. The problem is
Letterman, the World Trade Center, and Batman to some transferring a 3-panel comic strip into a comic book. Chris
degree. Jim, you probably shouldn’t do that unless you have dithers between 3-panel gags and a more comic book style
permission. Additionally, since the stories are only eight until the third issue, so the gags are incredibly uneven until
pages, the author should really stick to small stories, like the it finally hits its stride. When it does, it’s pretty hilarious.
one about Davey. If I had to grade this series, I would say The dialogue between Marty and his parents when he tells
B- or C+. Dead End is competent and earnest, but it’s too them he wants to be an artist is really funny. No doubt
dependent on the world of superheroes. It could use a cast Chris is drawing from his own experience, so it rings truer.
roll call in the beginning too. Doofus, a character that spends his life inside a wacky suit as
Dead End from Eightball Graphics (www.cortlandny.com/ part of his job, derails the reality of the book somewhat. Not

because he’s in the suit, but because the Sloth character and vampires could be killed by mortals other than being
other characters like Doofus are noticeably absent. Marty dragged out into the sunlight. Still, like a blockbuster
and his roommate, Toad, provide laughs in the "we’re-so- movie, the pacing is such that it doesn’t really matter.
broke-we-have-to-improvise" department. The back-up Templesmith’s art is, for me, too dark and stylish, but it does
story, Alienz, written by Buddy Scalera (of Deadpool and go well with the story. IDW packaged this thing with 18
Agent X fame. Yo, Bud!) and drawn by Chris, is a lot tighter. pages of script from the first issue. "Who cares?" I say. How
The story centers around an alien boy living on Earth. He about 18 pages of new script? Missing scenes? Back story?
gets thrust into space when a school chum convinces him to Talk about padding. Or better yet, how about putting out
take his dad’s flying saucer for a ride. These issues have been the whole thing at 96 pages and knock a couple of bucks off
in the back bins for a while. I would say, at $1 a pop, they the cover price. I’m glad I missed the single issues. The
are worth it. It should be interesting to see how Chris takes story here is much better suited for one big book. Despite
the lessons learned from the previous issues to his new pub- my bitching and moaning, I say, go buy it. Although, at that
lisher. Good luck Chris! price I recommend you pitch in with a friend and buy one
Desperate Times #1 - #4 from AAAARGH! Comics is by
together.
Chris Eliopoulus (www.desperatetimes.com), 24 pages,
30 Days of Night graphic novel from IDW Publishing
black and white, $2.95.
30 Days of Night graphic novel from IDW Publishing. (www.idwpublishing.com), 104 pages, color, intro by Clive
This comic, although a tad overrated, is going to make a Barker, story by Steve Niles, art by Ben Templesmith and
kick-ass movie. The premise: Barrow, Alaska is a town that Robbie Robbins does letters and designs, $17.99.
is above the Arctic Circle. Once a year, the sun sets for 30 That’s it for this month, fanboys and fangirls. See you at
days, leaving the residence in complete darkness. A group of the con.
vampires decides to meet at the town for a feeding orgy and ❖❖❖
the sheriff is helpless to stop them, or is he? There are some Tony DiGerolamo is the writer/creator for The Travelers,
cool action sequences and the comic definitely builds like a Jersey Devil and The Fix. He is also the writer for
blockbuster movie. Unfortunately, it has some blockbuster Everknights. Don’t miss his new column on www.paren-
movie-type problems. The vampires and a voodoo priestess, theticalnote.com called "Ask the DM." To see more of his
who sends her son to videotape them, don’t have much of a deranged scribblings visit www.thefixsite.com. Complaints
background. I would’ve liked to have a clearer idea of how and comments can be sent to Tony DiGerolamo c/o SJRP,
the hierarchy of vampires worked. It’s also not clear how PO Box 439, Stratford, NJ 08084.
W HAT W E ’ VE B EEN P LAYING

A Play-List of Games Recently Seen on the Kenzer Krew Gaming Table
eaders are constantly asking us what games the Kenzer Krew loves to play. To be honest, our play list is constantly changing. Our gam-
Ring sessions are usually a mix of old tried-and-true favorites along with a few new offerings that seem promising.
ROLE-PLAYING GAMES
• Boot Hill (TSR)
• Dungeons and Dragons 3E (Wizards of the Coast)
• HackMaster (KenzerCo)
• Toon (Steve Jackson Games)
BOARD GAMES
• Acquire (Avalon Hill)
• Carcassonne: Builders and Traders (Rio Grande)
• DragonEpic (J.D. Quest)
• Dwarven Dig (KenzerCo)
• Evo (Euro Games)
• Java (Rio Grand Games)
• King Oil (Milton Bradley 1974)
• GunSlinger (Avalon Hill 1982)
• Mare Nostrum (Euro Games)
• Puerto Rico (Rio Grande Games)
• Risk: Lord of the Rings (Hasbro)
• Settlers of the Stone Age (Mayfair Games)
• Traders of Genoa (Rio Grande Games)
• Valley of the Mammoths (Euro Games)
CARD GAMES
• Nano Fictionary (Looney Labs)
• Pirates and Plunder (Hillary’s Toybox)
• Mag Blast 2nd Edition (Fantasy Flight)

The Secrets
Of Hack-
Conversion
Adding HackMaster
to Your D&D Game
By Sean Twist
ne of the greatest problems facing our world today is before you know it, your pea-brained PCs will be facing
O Hack Snobbery. I'm sure you've come across it. You

sit down with your gaming group--those out on
parole, that is – and clear your throat. Around you, your
Swack Iron Dragons without batting an eye.
But there is an art to this. Too much, too fast, and you
have open rebellion at the gaming table. Too slow, and
friends are polishing their dice with Turtle Wax, slapping yet you'll be in a nursing home before you introduce the leg-
another batch of Post-It Notes into their Player's Manuals, endary Chain Mail Bikini of Eye Gouging. Huddle close,
or religiously unsealing their miniatures from adamantium my brothers and sisters, and listen well. For this is how ‘tis
vacuum tubes. Above the sound of escaping gas (from both done.
tubes and players), you clear your throat again.
"Umm... could we maybe try HackMaster tonight?" STEP ONE: THE FIRST RULE OF HACKCONVERSION
A sudden silence descends. Somewhere, a wolf howls. Don't tell the PCs what you're doing. Don't breathe a
"HackMaster?" someone will scoff. "Isn't that the... funny word. Remain your usual grim faced self behind the DM
game?" screen. For the love of gawd, don't bring HackMaster man-
"Well, it can be..." you begin, but are cut off. It's always uals to the table. In fact, it's best to move them out of the
the player who buys two copies of each gaming supplement house entirely. Even having them within the same city may
– one to read and the other to store in a vault – who will cut be dangerous – some diehard 'serious' gamers can sniff out
you off. fun within a six-block radius. If you have relatives in
"I refuse to play that game," he/she/it will sniff. "It isn't Estonia, mail them there. Just be sure to include return
serious. I prefer to play real games, like the one we're playing postage. It's only polite.
now." STEP TWO: SCARY MONSTER PEEK-A-BOO
"You mean Return To The Wiggly Temple of the Lich The second step – other than keeping your trap shut – is
Worms of Plaid?" you point out. to slip in a few HackMaster monsters where they won't be
"Yes," the scoffer will always reply, without the slightest noticed. In my campaign, I chose my moment carefully, and
hint of irony. "A real game." so should you. Slapping down a Piranhakeet in the middle
At this point, you sigh. Once again, Hack Snobbery rais- of a desert march, for example, will raise too many eyebrows.
es its pinhead of stubbornness. You pray to Hack another If they reach for their Monster Manuals, you're done for. So
day. But will that day ever dawn? Yes, my brothers and sis- I decided to wear my PC dicejockeys out first, by putting
ters in Hackdom. There is a way. There is, however distant, them through hell.
hope. My players were deep in a dungeon, having their asses
I too share your pain. I too have felt the sting of Hack handed to them on a platter. Spiders the size of Volvos were
Snobbery. But I've decided to do something about it. I've dropping from the ceiling, a 12th level evil sorceress wanted
begun a subtle plan of HackConversion within my gaming their heads gibbering on a pike, and just for good measure,
group. As their DM, I have begun to tug them away from I threw in a red dragon wyrmling. Bare in mind the party
their beloved Dungeons & Dragons. In time, they'll be had just made third level. I had them running like gerbils at
playing nothing but HackMaster. But will the little darlings a cat show.
ever realize it? Oh no. My sweet little mushrooms will be Finally, harried and exhausted, the party careened into a
forever in the dark. And this is all down to one thing: run- storeroom, seeking sanctuary. Inside they found a small rab-
ning a HackBlended Game. bit cleaning itself. The ranger in the party – for reasons
Therein lies the path to full HackConversion. Slowly known only to him – drew his sword and tried to remove the
introduce elements of HackMaster into your standard rabbit's head from its shoulders. The poor, little defenseless
D&D game. Increase the level of Hack over time, and bunny looked up, dark eyes wide.

Of course, I played the ranger for a sucker. The bunny My cleric drew Gambling Addiction, and I had a won-
wunny was, of course, an Anthraxian. Taken from the derful time tormenting her with back alley dicing games she
Hacklopedia of Beasts, the Anthraxian is a nasty little cus- couldn't refuse. My now dirt poor cleric held up the party,
tomer. Cute and cuddly, yes, but it can put you in the forever going for just one more dice throw. The ranger's
ground pretty quickly with its disease ridden bite. After get- impatience finally led him to storm off in a huff. He I sad-
ting bit, the ranger flew into a rage, and ended up destroy- dled with Nagging Conscience, but he has yet to make up
ing the storeroom chasing the bunny. The other players his debt to Bunnykind. My rogue was now Self-Absorbed.
found themselves laughing, but their smiles faded when all Not much of a stretch for her, really.
the crashing and bashing ended up alerting the dragon to
their hiding spot. Once again, they were on the run – STEP FIVE: AMP UP THE GORE
because the ranger didn't take the bunny seriously. This was once again met with disturbing enthusiasm.
A perfect HackMaster moment, even in secret. There is a danger among DMs to reduce combat to 'You hit
the ogre for ten, he hits you back for three. Oh, pass the
STEP THREE: WASS MY NAME? chips." Now, in the spirit of Hack, I tend to push the lim-
Apart from inserting HackMaster nasties, I began assign- its of tasteful description. Decapitations are now rather
ing players level names whenever they leveled up. These common, as are spinal cords being used as strangling
were taken directly from the HackMaster Player's weapons. Every sword point seems to find a gushing jugu-
Handbook. They proved a hit. The Ranger Formerly lar, causing players to slip and slide on an already dubious
Known as Bunny Killer beamed when I told him he was now dungeon floor. Perhaps it's a sign of the deprivation of my
a Tracker at fifth level. It was dutifully scribbled on his char- gaming group, but the more detailed the horror, the more
acter sheet – and this is a man who rarely remembers to jot they smile. Wince now and again, but still smile. The point
down his AC. My rogue seemed a bit disappointed to only isn't sadism--but going so far over the top as to reach levels
be a Scout at the same level, but will undoubtedly smile of dark comedy.
when she becomes a Filcher. I mean, it just sounds dirty. The players now laugh during combat – another impor-
The only complaint came from my female cleric, who felt tant element of HackMaster. And the suckers love it.
uncomfortable being called a Layman at fourth level. She
passed on Laywoman, though, since it just sounded worse. STEP SIX: GO FORTH AND HACK
Still, level names are now expected in my party. Another And here endeth the lesson. Hopefully your path to full
bit of Hack successfully inserted. HackConversion will be as smooth as mine has been.
Remember, as DM, you're smarter than your players. It's up
STEP FOUR: THE LOST ART OF ROLE-PLAYING to you to show them the way. If not, hey, throw some bun-
I was on thin ice with this step, but it worked nonetheless. nies at them. Worked for me. ❑
Dangling a carrot of experience points in front of the wide-
Of course, there is more to add from HackMaster than
eyed players, I had them roll for Quirks and Flaws.
killer monsters and bloody violence. We recommend the
Checking the tables, I emailed them with what they would
detailed Honor system, the critical hit charts, the alignment
now have to role-play. I swore them to secrecy. They could-
tracking and party alignment rules, and the armor hit point
n't tell the others what they had drawn, but would get an XP
systems. All of these very HackMaster rules can be added to a
giftie from their dear old DM if they role-played well.
D&D with very little conversion. –Editor

the Host
of Heaven
Holy Prestige
Classes For 3e
By Ross Watson and Josh Fairfield
KREUZRITTER Base Attack Bonus: +8
"Turn, hellspawn, and face eternity!" Intimidate: 5 ranks Heavy Weapons
owering figures stride across corpse-ridden battle- Feats: Power Attack,
T fields wracked with hellfire and smoke. Their

impenetrable armor and steadfast shields are terrify-
ing, so massive that no mere mortal could move them, and
Divine Might, Exotic
Weapon Proficiency: Any
heavy two-handed weapon.
Weapons made from cer-
tain materials constitute
heavy weapons (for example,
the weapons they wield are equally immense. Time and (See Magic of Faerun for magically treated precious
again the writhing hordes of the netherworld and their cor- heavy weapons rules),
metals, such as white gold,
ruption-infested mortal servitors hurl themselves against Shield Expertise.
black gold, or normal yel-
these impregnable bastions of strength, to no avail. The Special: Adopting this
prestige class requires the low… even platinum!).
kreuzritter stands as a massive iron guardian atop heaps of Although as strong and sharp
enemy dead; he is the last line of defense between humanity character to have the super-
natural ability to smite evil. as any steel, these weapons
and eternal war.
A kreuzritter ("crusader") is a grim, uncompromising sol- He must also dismiss any deal more damage when
dier in a never-ending conflict with the forces of evil. He paladin’s mount or familiar they strike. See Magic of
carries the banner of light against the darkness and swears an he may have, and he must Faerun, page 179 for full
oath never to yield. For the most part kreuzritters have few have a strength score of at Heavy Weapons rules.
friends besides other members of their order, and fewer still least 20. Finally, the char- Without an exotic weapon
cultivate any romance or lasting relationships. It requires a acter must own a zweihan- proficiency, such weapons
great deal of focus and discipline to learn the ways of the der weapon (See Below). are wielded at a –4 penalty.
kreuzritter… a saying among them goes "A soul must be of Alignment: Any good
steel in order to wield it properly". CLASS SKILLS
The kreuzritter’s singular drive and passion for fighting The kreuzritter’s class skills (and the key ability for each
evil make them unpopular with common folk… while a skill) are Concentration (Con), Craft (Int), Heal (Wis),
farmer’s family would be grateful to see a rampaging band of Intimidate (Cha), Knowledge (religion) (Int), and Profession
goblins destroyed, such a family would probably not invite a (Wis). See Chapter 4: Skills in the Core Rulebook I for skill
kreuzritter to dinner afterwards. Kreuzritters are often descriptors.
drawn to battle, most comfortable when defending a settle- Skill Points at Each Level: 2 + Int modifier.
ment under assault by evil armies. Many also end up as
adventurers seeking evil in the dark places it lairs, rooting it CLASS FEATURES
out across the land in which they travel. All of the following are features of the kreuzritter prestige
Fighters and especially militant paladins are most often class.
attracted to the path of the kreuzritter. Clerics who follow Weapon and Armor Proficiency: Kreuzritters are profi-
gods of war sometimes pick up the mantle as well. Most cient with all simple and martial weapons, with all types of
commonly, humans and
dwarves are the races best KREUZRITTER
suited to become kreuzrit-
ters, but some half-orcs
LEVEL BAB FORT REF WILL SPECIAL
have been called to serve as 1 +1 +2 +0 +0 Bastion (1), Lay on Hands, Smite Evil,
+1 level of paladin class
well, making particularly
2 +2 +3 +0 +0 Improved Shield Expertise (1),Tower of Steel 1/day
resolute crusaders.
3 +3 +3 +1 +1 Bastion (2), +1 level of paladin class
Hit Die: d10 4 +4 +4 +1 +1 Improved Shield Expertise (2),Tower of Steel 2/Day
REQUIREMENTS 5 +5 +4 +1 +1 Bastion (3), +1 level of paladin class
To qualify to become a 6 +6 +5 +2 +2 Improved Shield Expertise (3),Tower of Steel 3/day
kreuzritter, a character must 7 +7 +5 +2 +2 Bastion (4),+1 level of paladin class
fulfill all the following crite- 8 +8 +6 +2 +2 Tower of Steel 4/day
ria. 9 +9 +6 +3 +3 Bastion (5), +1 level of paladin class
10 +10 +7 +3 +3 Divine Wrath

armor, and with shields. Level 2: The kreuzritter
Lay on Hands (Sp): A kreuzritter can heal wounds by may benefit from a Zweihander
touch, as the paladin ability. Any paladin levels add to the small shield even
kreuzritter’s level for this purpose. though he is wielding
Weapons
Smite Evil (Su): Once per day, a kreuzritter may attempt and simultaneously
to smite evil with one normal melee attack. He adds his attacking with a two- Kreuzritter heavy weapons
Charisma modifier (if positive) to his attack roll and adds 1 handed weapon. are usually gothic fantasies
extra point of damage per kreuzritter level. (If the character cast in silver-chased black
Level 3: The kreuzritter
has paladin levels, then they stack with his kreuzritter levels gold or gold-chased platinum,
may benefit from a
for this ability) If the kreuzritter accidentally smites a crea- large shield even displaying the crest of the
ture that is not evil, the smite has no effect but is still used though he is wielding kreuzritter’s family or knight-
up for the day. and simultaneously ly order affiliation picked out
Bastion (Ex): Kreuzritter armor is far more massive than attacking with a two- in precious metals, exotic
even full plate mail, causing some kreuzritters to be mistak- handed weapon. enamels, or gemstones.
en for Iron Golems or the like. The armor is often chased These immense weapons are
with precious metals, engraved with awe-inspiring sigils, or Tower of Steel (Su): As
a supernatural ability, the highly treasured, and are
bears the symbol of the kreuzritter’s family or knightly order.
kreuzritter may invoke the often passed down over hun-
A kreuzritter’s helmet crest is usually sculpted and especially
ornate, and can extend in multiple tiers up to two feet above effect of the spell right- dreds of years.
his head. eous might as a standard
Any armor, whether magical or not, may be modified action the indicated num-
with the kreuzritter changes for 1,000 gp per level of the ber of times per day. The caster level and duration are
Bastion ability. The kreuzritter must wear at least half or full derived from the kreuzritter’s character level.
plate armor, and it must be made from metal. Remember that when using the tower of steel ability, the
A kreuzritter wearing the modified massive armor gains kreuzritter temporarily benefits from a +4 enlargement
the following bonuses: bonus to strength, suffers a –1 size penalty to attacks and
armor class, and his weapon increases in its damage dice.
Bastion (1): The (See the spell description in the Player’s Handbook for
Kreuzritters and kreuzritter benefits details)
Mounts from damage reduc- Divine Wrath (Su): Once per day, the kreuzritter may
tion 1/-- enter a battle frenzy, gaining the ability to rage like a 1st level
The kreuzritter is infantry Bastion (2): The barbarian. In addition, the kreuzritter’s weapon is imbued
in the war against evil, not cav- kreuzritter benefits with divine energy, doing maximum damage when used in a
alry. They do not get along from damage reduc- successful smite evil attempt during the duration of the rage.
well with horses, in general, tion 2/-- Every smite evil attempt made during the rage is maximized
nor any other kind of riding Bastion (3): The in this fashion.
kreuzritter benefits Spells Per Day: A kreuzritter continues advancing in
beast. It is extremely unusual
from damage reduc- spellcasting ability as well as gaining the abilities of his new
for one to adopt a mount of class. Thus, at every other level of kreuzritter, the character
any kind. Kreuzritters in full tion 3/--
gains new spells per day as if he had also gained a level in
armor are far too massive, Bastion (4): The whatever spellcasting class he belonged to before he added
unbalanced, and heavy to ride kreuzritter benefits the prestige class. He does not, however, gain any other ben-
any creature smaller than from 25% fortification efit a character of that class would have gained (improved
Huge size. Kreuzritters there- (as if the armor had the chance of controlling or rebuking undead, wild shape abili-
fore forego the Paladin Mount light fortification ty, and so on). If a character had more than one spellcasting
power). class before he became a kreuzritter, the player must decide
abilities when they take up the
mantle of their profession. Bastion (5): The which class to assign the bonus spellcasting levels for the
Although a kreuzritter -- if not kreuzritter benefits purpose of determining spells per day. ❑
in Bastion armor -- may seat a from 50% fortification
horse for travel purposes, the
(as if the armor had the got a brilliant
medium fortification idea for an ARTICLE?
kreuzritter may not use his power). The fortifica-
Improved Shield Expertise GO TO WWW.KENZERCO.COM
tion benefits do not FOR SUBMISSION GUIDELINES.
ability while mounted. stack with fortification oh man, this
possessed by the armor article
or his shield, if any. The higher bonus replaces the ROCKS!
can monkeys
lower bonus granted at x level. really DO
that?
Improved Shield Expertise (Ex): The kreuzritter learns
how to fight with two-handed weapons, even while bearing
a shield. These shields always bear the kreuzritter’s personal
coat of arms displayed prominently. A kreuzritter may not
use his shield to attack while wielding a two-handed
weapon.
Level 1: The kreuzritter may benefit from a buckler even
though he is wielding and simultaneously attacking
with a two-handed weapon.

The Art of
Game-
mastering
Taking Criticism
Without Killing
People
By William Steinmetz
f you're a good DM, your game gets in the shower with very few surprises.) And since they can't do it themselves,
I you. When you drive to the store, your villains drive

with you; when you drive back, you dream up new mon-
sters. Every spare moment of daydreaming fuels your next
they use you to try and recreate the perfect game that's
locked inside their heads. That's why they care.
And that's why they complain.
adventure - Your Game is a fun timesink. That doesn't mean that your job is hopeless; in some
Then one of your players emails you: "Your NPCs are ways, you can up the ante on your players by surprising
dominating the game. Stop it STOP IT! And I hate the way them in ways that they never would have thought of. You
you run combat." can't beat the flawless novel they've imagined, but you can
It would hurt less if they kicked you in the crotch. give them something entirely new and pleasing. Put anoth-
Suddenly, it's not so fun any more. You've been having all er way, they might want lobster, but they won't turn down a
the fun, while apparently your players have been slogging juicy filet mignon.
through your game - and you feel like a heel. Your desire to But no matter how good you are, your players will always
DM has vanished, replaced with a furious embarrassment. compare you to that perfect game and they'll always come
What do you do when your players ambush you with up short: the combat is too tough, even though they've won
angry complaints? every battle - because in their game, the heroes always come
Don't respond right away. If it's an email, take your time through without a scratch, just like in Star Wars. Your world
in replying; if they're in your face, tell 'em you'll get back to isn't as detailed as the Jordanesque fantasy world they'd
them. Emotions are running high, and responding prema- build. Everyone talks too much, since in their game, con-
turely almost guarantees an argument. versations are just bridges between colossal manga-style bat-
Also, keep in mind that there's only one perfect game for tles...
each player, and you can't run it. But neither can they. You It's a battle you'll never win, so don't even try. Just real-
know why? Because everyone's perfect game is the one that ize that that fantasy game is there, and it prevents any GM -
they'd run. Sad but true; each person has a game/novel that even you - from achieving perfection. But remember these
they'd star in if only they could... But they can't DM them- tips:
selves. (Well, I suppose they could try, but it would have Griping Players Means a Healthy Campaign. Just
b.a., this is a sure well IN THAT CASE,

indication that the boys they’ve been “ENGAGED”
are ENGAGED in your in my campaign
campaign!! many times before!!
if they didn’t care, right now, i’d settle for

they wouldn’t TIE US UP!! some SCISSORS.

because you haven't heard it doesn't mean that players don't still clueless, then drop them an obvious hint - an escaped
do it - in fact, you'll be better off assuming that your players conspirator who can explain things.
are bitching about you behind their back. Likewise, if they're frustrated by stubborn NPCs, just
But think about it: Your players are enthusiastic enough to remind yourself to be more open during negotiations, and
discuss the game when you're not around! They're not just not to design plots that revolve around a specific NPC not
calling in sick when play night rolls around; they're involved. doing something. After you get past the surprise, you'll usu-
Strange as it sounds, if they're bitching, you're probably ally find that your players were at least partially right.
doing something right. ...And What You Won't. Just because your players want
If That Player Has Run a Game That You've Played in, changes doesn't always mean that you should provide them
What Was Important in His Campaign? Look at what was - it's your job to be honest about what you will (and won't)
important when they were DM; it's often a clue as to what give them in the course of a game.
that player really enjoys. If someone's complaining about If you're trying to run a high fantasy campaign where
the combat and you know her previous campaign revolved courtly etiquette is the focus - and one of your players wants
around Jackie Chan-style martial brawls, then that's what three Jackie Chan fights per session - then be frank and tell
she likes to do. Now can you provide it in your game? him that it's not possible. Likewise, if you're running a
Get Specific. The complaints that hurt are the one that Captain America-style Marvel game and your players want
come from nowhere. "NPCs dominating the game?" you ask. Vampire-style angst, maybe they need to go somewhere else.
"Aren't these the same players who leveled a town last week?" That's not to say that you shouldn't be willing to change
You'd better ask. major parts of the game. Too many DMs wave off player
Dig a little deeper to find examples of "NPCs dominat- concerns by saying, "But that's the way Duke Nebensor is!"
ing," and what you may find they didn't say what they But if your players are on the verge of mutiny because the
meant. It may be that even though they leveled the town, Duke is a blithering idiot, then maybe you should flex Your
the players felt they had to do it because the NPC mayor Fabulous Campaign to make it more fun. The NPCs should
refused to talk to them. What this player is frustrated about make the game better, not worse.
is not dominating NPCs, but stubborn NPCs. He wanted But if your game involves lots of colorful NPCs and one
to negotiate, but felt cornered. of your players hates dealing with NPCs, then he's never
When questioning them, ask them about specific inci- going to be happy. Be honest.
dents firmly but calmly. Have them pinpoint specific Do What You Said You Would. If you agree that you're
moments in the game where they were frustrated and why. going to change something, then change it. Nothing frus-
Ask them what they would have done differently if they were trates players more than a GM who listens patiently to feed-
DM, which will give you a clue as to what you can do. back, and then every Sunday, it's the same old game again.
Decide What You Can Change... Generally you'll find Make sure something's different ASAP.
that all you need to do is to tweak certain elements to make Player feedback is a painful part of the DMing process,
them happy. If your players are tearing their hair out but after the dust is settled, you'll find your campaign has
because you've dropped fifteen clues in their lap and they're improved. Fight through the pain and listen! ❑

Movies
on the
Battlemat
A Gamer’s Guide
To Exploiting Films
By Wil Upchurch
SIGNS (2002) brother did when he first sees the alien.
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan (Sixth Sense, I think the aliens themselves were from the planet Plotus
Unbreakable), this tale of alien invasion takes the perspective Deviceus, though. They have star-spanning spacecraft that
of a farmer and his family in small town Pennsylvania. Crop can cloak themselves in shields of invisibility, yet they haven’t
circles are appearing in the farmer’s cornfields and local ani- mastered the physical skills to open a door. I suppose they
mals are acting strange. When similar phenomena happen could have stolen their craft from a race of doorless aliens,
at hundreds of locations around the world, everyone begins but something just struck me as odd about their ineffectual-
to talk alien invasion. Slowly these signs are revealed to be ness. In addition, they apparently had no means of destroy-
indeed precursors to the arrival of thousands of alien space- ing anything stronger than a pane of glass. All in all I didn’t
craft whose intentions can only be hostile. The farmer, his think the aliens were too frightening. This was only rein-
brother, and his children gain snippets of information from forced by the revelation that water disintegrated their flesh.
the television and radio, which feature round-the-clock cov- Strangely, it took several medieval villages in the Middle East
erage of the invasion. Eventually all transmissions are cut to discover this weakness. Of course, they declined to share
and the family braces for the aliens to come. After surviving this information with the major news networks, who could
the night, they learn from a now-functioning radio that the not figure out why the aliens were leaving.
aliens have retreated. They emerge into their house only to Overall, I can only recommend the movie on the strength
be confronted by an alien, who provides a convenient reso- of its suspenseful elements and religious themes, which I
lution to the character’s internal struggles as well as giving us found refreshing if not a bit strained. Shyamalan stumbled
our best look yet at the invaders. The characters overcome here a bit in the storytelling department, I thought, but I’m
the alien, and the movie ends as they continue their small willing to cut him a little slack as one of the only interesting
town lives, changed by the events of the past week. moviemakers in Hollywood today. The interactions of the
characters were not effective on an emotional level, and their
WHAT I THOUGHT motivations were not transparent through much of the film.
In a nutshell, I thought Signs was a good movie and a bad The side plots and bits of character info were not relevant to
story. I believe the filmmaker was attempting to take a mas- the story being told in many cases. I think the film is
sive event, global alien invasion, and look at it from the per- remarkable in its clever avoidance of special effects, but it
spective of one family. It’s a great idea, and throughout the failed to provide us with the intimate connection to the
whole thing I couldn’t help but think that thousands of miles characters that the director was clearly relying on.
away Will Smith was punching an alien and delivering some Wil’s Rating: You Aren’t Missing Much.
irreverent quip. The problem is that the stories of the char-
acters are only hinted at, and it is not until the end of the GAME ELEMENTS
film that we get the whole picture of why the characters are There are two elements to this movie that I wanted to dis-
the way they are. We know that the farmer has lost his faith, cuss—the story’s perspective and the aliens.
and we know it’s because his wife was killed, but we are never I’ll tackle the aliens first as I have less to say about them
sure as to the circumstances of her death. This might not be than I do the story’s perspective. The aliens were creepy and
a problem if it wasn’t necessary information to understand throughout the first two-thirds of the film I was genuinely
his interactions with two of the other characters in the film. frightened by them. They didn’t seem to be physically
It can sometimes create suspense and mystery to hold back imposing, although the film went to great lengths to imply
information, at other times it can simply be confusing and they had great physical skills, but they had a classic, primal
frustrating. I think it was the latter in this case. fear associated with them—the fear of the unknown. The
What worked was not showing the aliens. Although we first glimpse we get of the aliens is from a distance of about
see glimpses of them (including a very spooky barn appear- a hundred feet, when the farmer looks out a window and
ance early on that reminded me of the airplane wing from sees one standing atop his barn staring at him. I think that
Twilight Zone: The Movie), we are never shown the whole is probably the most memorable scene in the movie for me,
package until one of the characters sees a home video of an as the alien is seemingly looking straight at the farmer and
alien on television one morning. This scene was quite sus- you can feel the tension.
penseful and you really wanted to react just as the farmer’s You can bring this tension to your game by allowing the

characters to get glimpses of a creature before they actually Natural Stealth (Ex): An invader can move its full speed,
face him in combat. Let them feel its stare, or see a shadowy climb, and perform other physical tasks while remaining
leg as it ducks around a corner, or detect a fresh scent, or find hidden and quiet. It can make Hide and Move Silently
the blood of a recent victim that is still warm to the touch. checks as long as it is only performing move or movement-
All of these will build the anticipation and horror they feel related actions.
at having to track down this creature. Have your NPCs talk Poison (Ex): An invader can use a small spray of poison
about the creature in ways that make the PCs worry that from a gland in its forearms against any creature it is grap-
they may not be up to the task of defeating it. Perhaps the pling with a successful grapple check. Fortitude save (DC
creature has slain a local hero already, sending the townsfolk 14); initial damage 1d6 Con, secondary damage 1d6 Con.
into hysteria. Spikes (Ex): An invader’s body is covered with patches of
Another method is to have the creature become a part of bony spikes that it can use to damage a grappled foe. The
their journey. Introduce it several sessions before they will invader deals 1d6+1 points of damage with a successful grap-
actually meet it and have them catch glimpses of it out of the ple check against any creature of up to Medium-size.
corner of their eye. If the characters hunt for food, perhaps Water Vulnerability (Ex): An invader takes damage if
they find the carcass of a bear or other large creature that has water ever touches its skin. Water deals 1d6 points of dam-
recently been stripped of its flesh. Then they hear a cold age per round of exposure except in the case of total immer-
scream somewhere in their vicinity, something not human at sion, which deals 10d6 points of damage per round. A
all. These methods will all increase your players’ enjoyment hurled or splashed waterskin counts as a round of exposure.
of the game, making them tense about things just outside
their vision, and when they finally fight the monster it will The story’s perspective is interesting in that it takes a large
certainly make them fight for their characters’ lives. event and scales it down to one family’s experiences. You can
Whatever you do, give your creature the ability to open bring this idea to your game by placing the PCs in the mid-
doors. dle of a situation that clearly extends beyond their immedi-
ate actions and surroundings. War, famine, plague, and a
INVADER religious crisis, such as the death of a god, can all fit into this
Medium-size Monstrous Humanoid idea. In some cases the PCs’ actions matter completely as to
Hit Dice: 2d8+2 (11 hp) the outcome of the war. Think about the characters
Initiative: +2 (Dex) involved in the original Dragonlace saga. Their actions were
Speed: 40 ft. directly responsible for ending the War of the Lance. This
AC: 14 (+2 Dex, +2 natural) works fine as the backdrop for a truly epic campaign.
Attacks: Slam +2 melee DMs often wish to give their worlds verisimilitude by
Damage: Slam 1d6+1 including such events when they are not the central focus of
Face/Reach: 5 ft. by 5 ft./5 ft. the campaign. This works as well, and can really give play-
Special Attacks: Improved grab, poison, spikes ers a feeling that they inhabit a living, breathing world. In
Special Qualities: Darkvision 60 ft., natural stealth, water this case the actions of the characters may have little or no
vulnerability affect on the outcome of the situation. One way to get them
Saves: Fort +1, Ref +2, Will +3 involved with the world is to allow the event to interfere
Abilities: Str 13, Dex 15, Con 13, Int 12, Wis 12, Cha 8 with their lives at certain points. They can have a small
Skills: Climb +9, Hide +8, Listen +6, Move Silently +8, impact on the event, but theirs is just one story amidst thou-
Spot +8 sands that are determining its outcome. A few possible
Feats: Alertness minor roles are discussed below.
–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Finding Vital Information: Like in Signs, the characters
Climate/Terrain: Any land could be tasked with finding a weakness in a new race that is
Organization: Solitary or invasion group (2–6) invading the characters’ lands. Although this would not end
Challenge Rating: 1 the war, it would certainly provide a powerful tool for the
Treasure: None characters’ allies to use against the invaders. Or the charac-
Alignment: Usually neutral evil ters might have to go behind enemy lines to find the origin
Advancement: By character class of the invaders. Are they from a heretofore undiscovered
Invaders are vaguely man-shaped humanoids that hail land beyond the mountains? Perhaps a portal has been
from parts unknown. They appear from time to time in opened to another plane, and the characters must discover
order to kidnap victims from communities, scouting out this information so that the portal can be destroyed.
their targets for days before making an attack. The invaders First Contact: While adventuring, the characters
cover massive amounts of territory with their magical flying encounter a small expeditionary force that is scouting in
ships, which can remain invisible during the day but which advance of a larger invasion force that is soon to come. The
reveal their locations at night. Invaders are a sneaky race that characters must get this information back to the local ruler
nevertheless is unable to negotiate any closed door for some so that preparations can be made. Maybe the characters
unknown reason. encounter one or two unknown creatures and must track
them to their source, only to find that thousands of the crea-
COMBAT tures are poised to invade.
Invaders try to avoid physical combat when they can, as Investigating Strange Occurrences: In Signs there were
they are slow despite their natural agility. When forced into all sorts of weird things going on, like dogs acting strange
combat they attempt to grapple a single foe so they can use and the crop circles appearing all over the world. Similar
their spikes or poison on them before moving on to the next things might be occurring near the PCs, who decide to
opponent. investigate the nature and source of these occurrences.
Improved Grab (Ex): To use this ability, the invader must Others will certainly be doing the same, and the PCs might
hit an opponent of up to Medium-size with a slam attack. If join forces with another band of adventurers to swap infor-
it gets a hold, it can use either its spikes or poison. mation or tackle a dangerous challenge. ❑
hey b.a., \’m gonna RIVER DANCE for the PRINCESS.
with those BOOTS OF PRANCING \ found in the ABBEY,

\ have now a MODIFIED 85 percent on my THEATRICAL DANCE skill.
-brrrrrr- \ didn’t
\’m going all out. \ take know DWARVES could
off my SHIRT and everything. RIVER DANCE.
is she
IMPRESSED?
ONE-TWO
PUNCHES by Jolly Blackburn
so get this... the NEXT thing \ know, the little PUNK is

puttin’ a MORGANSTEIN HAMMER LOCK on my ass and actually, EMBER is wearing her FALL ENSEMBLE.
pressin’ my FACE to the MAT. he rolled a NAT twenty.
she has DISPENSED with her kelly green CLOAK
OF UNDERGROWTH and has donned
what could \ do? he put a SUCKER-MOVE on me. \
her LAVENDER jerkin and PATCHWORK vest.
got caught with my PANTS down. the kid was playin’
DIRTY and the REF was NO WHERE to be seen.
her NEEDLEWORK you know, this is EXACTLY
oh, \ pulled out my slacks featuring
damn, BIG GUY. the reason \ refuse to
so whad ya GLOCK and WASTED FAERIEKIN motifs
you let some sit with the PARTY
do? huh? his ass on the spot. rounds out her
KID get the when we DINE OUT.
32 points of VITAL OUTFIT nicely.
DROP on ya? organ damage!!
those FURRIES are a lot

TOUGHER than they let on.
\ hate to say this, but MAYBE
actually, \ was HOLDING you got what you DESERVED.
\ got THROAT PUNCHED
by some guy in a my own pretty good.
crashing FURRY-CON
SYLVESTER THE CAT costume.
that is until TAZ did a MUNCIE was a BAD idea, guys.
FLYING KICK on my ass.
BAAAAHHH!!!
the REST is SYLVESTER
\ was HURLED through
a BLUR. wasn’t so tough.
TWO sheets of DRYWALL.
it was that guy in the

yeah, SYLVESTER was KILLER. CHIPMUNK costume
he STUFFED my limp body who was a BAD ASS.
into a RECYCLING BIN.

The Game Board — awaiting the prisoners and guards
ESCAPE
FROM COLDITZ
Publisher: Gibson Games
Parker Brothers
Type: Board Game
Number of Players: 2-6
Designer: Major P.R. Reid
LOST GAME
Date Published: Late 70’s thru 1985 or so
Frequency: Varies depending on publisher
S A FA R I
Going Rate for a Copy: $20.00 - $40.00 The Hunt for Out-of-Print
Scouted by: Jolly R. Blackburn Games Worthy of a Second Look
olditz Castle is a fortress deep in Germany where
C allied prisoners of war were held captive during World

War II. Actually, it was much more than that. It was
where the most skilled escapers were herded together. In
(The Colditz Story and The Latter Days of Colditz) and
served as a technical advisor on numerous movies on the sub-
ject. Perhaps it is this marriage of first-hand observer and
other words, the “very best.” The logic? To put all the trou- game design which makes Escape from Colditz so special.
ble makers in one basket and guard them closely. The result
was the creation of the ultimate mental challenge. A virtual EFC allows players to “enter the grey stone walls of Colditz
chess game with Prisoners hellbent to escape the confines of Castle and relive the deeds of famous men and heroes.” The game
the castle and their captors who are equally determined to itself has a long and interesting history. It was first published
keep them in place. by Parker Brothers in the 70’s and then was later picked up
Fertile ground for inspiring such great adventure novels and by Gibson Games and published up through the mid 80’s. (I
movies as The Great Escape and Stalag 17. And also the should point out that the game’s publishing history is rather
inspiration for the classic board game, Escape from Colditz. sketchy. I’ve been told it was re-released as late as 1993).
Escape from Colditz has one unique distinction worth If you’re lucky, you can still find this game on the shelf in
noting at the outset. The designer (Major P.R. Reid) was not some older, better stocked
a simple history buff with a passion for wargaming. He was game stores. In fact, I
actually a prisoner in the infamous castle. Besides designing recently saw three copies
the board game he wrote at least two books on his experiences sitting on the shelf at
Pendragon Games in
Winnipeg, Canada, still
shrink-wrapped.
Just keep in mind there
are numerous versions.
Some sport plastic playing
pieces. Some wooden.
And the are subtle rule dif-
ferences too.
Game Summary
The game plays as fol-
lows: One player takes on
the role of ALL the Escape Opportunities await...
Building an Escape Kit -- almost there. German Guards, while the

other players play the “Escape Officers”
who are responsible for organizing escape
attempts by their teams of prisoners. The
winner is the Escape Officer who gets the
most prisoners of his nationality out of the
castle. If no one manages to escape? Then
the German player wins.
An escape succeeds when a Prisoner of
War (POW) reaches one of the "Safe" tar-
gets outside the Castle boundaries on the
game board. In order to achieve this,
equipment must be collected to negotiate
both physical obstacles and the patrolling
guards. Such items include rope for scal-
ing walls, wire cutters for cutting perime-
ter wire, forged passes and disguises to fool
the guards, and skeleton keys to slip
through locked doors. These are obtained
from various rooms/locations within the Castle—the Laundry, small circles marked on the board. Guards, however, may be
the Dentist, the Guardroom, etc. posted directly to certain parts on the board without throwing
A Survival Kit must be obtained (clothing, food and maps) the dice, allowing rapid deployment to cover POW move-
before any escape may be attempted. Without these, no ment.
escaper would last long on the run. In the early stages of the game, players busy themselves with
During the game, Opportunities to outwit the guards will
arise: Red Cross cigarettes to bribe sentries, hideaways to fore- collecting the necessary equipment to make their escape.
stall searches, diversions to distract attention from a comrade, Rope is need to go over the walls, Wire cutters to move
and even Inspection by the German High Command, forcing through barbed wire, Forged passes to slip by guards...
Sentries to return to Barracks. In particular, tunnels will be On certain results of the dice, Opportunity Cards are
used as the best way to ensure the safe escape of a party of drawn, giving the POWs extra advantages, but also giving the
POWs. Most of this is brought about by assembling the prop-
er cards and playing them at the appropriate moment. German Player inside information (Security Cards) with
The German player’s job is no easier. He must play a cat which to surprise prisoners, make unannounced searches, etc.
and mouse game and keep his eye on EVERY prisoner (pawn) POWS found with forbidden items (cards) are arrested, and
on the board. He has to to act on suspicion. He must strate- the equipment confiscated.
gically place his sentries to cover possible breakouts; POWs I love this game because it slowly builds to a crescendo.
caught outside the Castle's inner courtyard are arrested and
Later in the game, the actions rises to a climax as the castle
sent to solitary confinement. POWs caught with illegal equip-
ment within the Castle are also sent to the cells. Roll Calls explodes with escape attempts. Some players opt to draw a
(Appels) are held so head counts can be conducted — forcing "Do or Die" card, which allows one POW to make a run for
all POWs to return to the Central Courtyard, or risk auto- it, by giving extra dice throws. (if he fails to make his target,
matic arrest. The German Officer faces a daunting task; con- he is presumed shot dead, and the entire team is out of the
tainment rather than outright success is his objective, particu- game). The German player has his hands full since some
larly as his limited forces will be stretched to the breaking
point in the later stages of the game. escape attempts are mere decoys to lure his guards away from
Play commences with all POWs lined up in the Roll Call the REAL escape attempt.
area in the Inner Courtyard, while the German Guards are Anyways, this is a great game that a lot of gamers have over-
placed in their barracks. Each player in turn throws the two looked. If you run across a copy -- snatch it up. You’ll thank
dice, and moves any number of his men up to the total me. ❑
thrown. All movement is determined by a peculiar grid of
LOST GAME SAFARI

AUCTION WATCH
GAME #APPEARING/AVERAGE BID*
Battle Masters 9/$48.00
Carrier Strike 5/$38.50
Dark Tower 7/$105.00
Divine Right (1979) 6/$69.00
Fireball Island 11/$53.00
Frontier Six 3/$64.00
Groo (basic game) 2/$25.00
Groo (basic game & expansion) 3/$40.00
HeroQuest (basic game) 18/29.00
King Oil (2nd edition) 7/$26.00
Survive (1982) 3/$24.00
Talisman (2nd edition) 8/$60.50
Titan (1982) 4/$105.00
* Price shown indicates the average winning bid. Only

complete games in Good to Excellent condition were
The POW prison fully occupied and teaming with life. monitored.

G ive this puzzle a try if you’re into Family G ames
from the past and present. There are 36 titles list-
KODT
ed below, so grab a pencil and dig in. Perhaps it’ll take
you back to the good old days when a spinner and some
play money were all you needed to have a good time.
WORD
FIND
Compiled by Barbara Blackburn
Stumped??!!! The solution can be found at www.kenzerco.com

❑ avalanche ❑ cootie ❑ old maid ❑ stratego you shoulda seen the way those kids WHINED when i
❑ backgammon ❑ dominos ❑ operation ❑ taboo trounced them at BATTLESHIP! a few more sessions
though, i just might make GAMERS outta them.
❑ battleship ❑ hangman ❑ othello ❑ tic tac toe oh, bob doesn’t believe
don’t you think you
❑ battling tops ❑ life ❑ parcheesi ❑ triominos should go a little in CODDLIN’ kids.
❑ bingo ❑ mastermind ❑ pit ❑ trivial pursuit EASY on them?

❑ candyland ❑ masterpiece ❑ risk ❑ trouble
❑ checkers ❑ monopoly ❑ rook ❑ twister
❑ chess ❑ mousetrap ❑ scrabble ❑ uno
❑ clue ❑ mystery date ❑ sorry ❑ yahtzee

Shooting
Your Way
What’s New This
Month From
KenzerCo
K NIGHT S OF THE D INNER TABLE : S P ECIAL E DITION #3
The first-ever KODT mini-series is here! Whatever the game, the Knights of the Dinner Table
come ready to play. Whether it’s CattlePunk, HackMaster, or even a ‘simple’ board game, BA,
Bob, Dave, Sara and Brian take a game to a higher level. Well, at least a different level. This is
the first of 3 issues, and a great read, whether you’re a long-time fan or new to the Knights.
Packed with new strips, and a Diamond exclusive!
K NIGHT S OF THE D INNER TABLE : I LLUSTRATED #23

Writer: Mark Plemmons
Artists: Brendon and Brian Fraim
As the sabotaged peace conference ends, Knuckles, El Ravager and Teflon Billy find themselves guests of
Lord Gilead's dungeon. But with their new companion Thorina on the outside, rescue is just a few seconds
away. Or is it? Don't miss part 2 of "When Peace Comes to Shove."
H A CK M ASTER : Z EALOT ’ S G UIDE T O W URLD C ONVERSION

An Indispensable guide for players and GMs alike! It’s a tough world out there, and it helps to have a
gawd in your corner. With this mighty tome, your cleric will be ready to defend the true faith against all
comers. This book contains tons of new priesthoods and other useful information to customize a cleric
character. Now get out there and get smiting!
D ANGEROUS D ENIZENS : T HE M ONSTERS OF T ELLENE

This long awaited 224 page hard cover book details a variety of the creatures and monstrous inhabi-
tants of the Kingdoms of Kalamar® campaign setting. But it tells their story beyond a collection of
combat statistics. This book details, the history, habitat, behaviors and ecology of the beasts that roam
Tellene including never before seen creatures and variants on old favorites.
H A CK M ASTER TA CTICAL C OMBAT M INIATURES

Bigger, badder and more dangerous! Strike fear into the hearts of your opponents with these new and dangerous minis!
All HackMaster miniatures (on a whopping 36mm scale) are the perfect addition to any Player’s or GameMaster’s arsenal.
Show everyone you mean business! This month we have:
• Human Cleric (Male)
• Human Thief (Male)
• Ogre (70 mm/almost 3 inches total height!)
• Dwarf Cleric (Female)
• Hireling Pack 1 (Pack Ape/Lamp Fairy)
• Hireling Pack 2 (Scroll Caddy/Torchbearer)
Sculptors: Jim Johnson and Bob Olley.

This is because Paul, in
his hubris, decided Rat-
wuss was so easy a target
he didn't have to exert
himself. He was sur-
prised when I played a
Defense Event Card that
let him wiggle out of the
Cosmic Serpent's coils -
but had he played full
Hold ability, he'd've had
me easily!)
C R E A T I N G
MONSTERS
To create a monster, you first deal to split that up. A Special Ability
might be a Karate Chop which does
SUPER GIANT each player seven of the Bio-Cards.
extra damage and allows you to pin-
These are basic animal/robot types,
MONSTER and you must choose at least one of point that damage, or Magnetism,
SHOWDOWN these cards. You may choose as many which affects Defense Units, not other
PUBLISHER: Cybergecko as you like, but 1-3 seems a reasonable monsters. More on Defense Units
DESIGNER: Alex Strang number. Each Bio-Card includes a later ...
RETAIL PRICE: ?? basic attack and movement ability, Finally, each player is dealt seven
CATEGORY: Board/Card Game often of different types, and sometimes Power Source cards. These are used to
REVIEWED BY: Steffan O’Sullivan© 2003 a defense or special ability. For exam- fuel Powers, so if you didn't take any
ple, the Ant has a Bite 2, Hold 2, Body Powers you (1) don't need any Power-
Armor 2, Legs that can climb over Source cards, and (2) must not want to
UPER GIANT MONSTER obstacles, Moves 3 on Land and 1 win the game. Oh, they can also be
S SHOWDOWN is board/card game
that's more fun than serious. It's
very flexible in number of players - 2-4
Burrowing. The Ape can Punch 3,
Hold 2, Throw 1, Crush 2 and moves
3 on Land. And so on. You can create
used to heal, so you might want some
after all, even if you don't have any
Powers. There are only six different
is a good recommended number at a pure bio-type, or make a hybrid, such types of Power Sources, and they range
first, but you could try to play with as as an Ant-Ape. Keep your choices in value from 1 to 2: Gaia (Earth ener-
many as ten if you have the right fun- secret from your opponents during this gy), Chemical, Electricity, Radiation,
loving crowd. The box comes with stage of the game. Alien, and Fire. Some of these have
603 cards (!), half a dozen card cases, secondary effects, such as Chemical
some counters, rules, and four toy Once players have selected their Bio-
Cards and discarded the rejects, they allowing you to
monster figures to use as pieces, mutate, Alien
though you can add your own easily are each dealt seven Modifier Cards.
Again, these are kept secret, and the allowing you to
enough. There's room in the box, travel through
barely, to squeeze in the components players are free to choose as many of
these as they wish - but be aware that space, etc.
from the supplement, Destroy Tokyo
Tower. monsters are built on ten cards total
(unless players agree otherwise before U S I N G
There are six beginning). Thus, if you take four Bio-
different types of POWERS
Cards and four Modifiers, you won't
cards in the have many Power Cards or Power- When you use
game, clearly Source cards, the remaining two types a Power, you
color coded. of monster cards. Modifiers modify must activate at
While the com- the Bio-Cards. For example, you may least one Power
ponents are not give your Ant-Ape a Long Snout, Source card. You
very spiffy, they enabling him to spray water, or Spiked may activate
are serviceable. Claws which do Thwack 2 damage as more than one
Four of the card well as Knockback. An extra head is an card, adding the Power Source card
types are used to attractive option, as are wings, jump- values together to create a more power-
create monsters; ing legs, antennae, etc. Lots of fun ful attack, but you can only activate
a fifth type is choices here! one type of Power Source per turn.
used to create the Thus, you may take one card each of
map the game is played on, and the Once that stage is done, players are two or more Power Source types, but
sixth type of card is the event deck, dealt seven Power cards. These are you can never add their values together
drawn and played during the game. either, well, Powers, which require a in that case. It's an interesting trade-
Power Source to be used (the last type off: for attack purposes, you want a lot
While the game has some flaws, dis- of monster card) or Special Abilities
cussed below, it's really a very enter- of Power Sources of the same type. For
which don't require a Power Source. healing purposes, however, you'd like a
taining game in many ways. You begin Some examples include a Power Spray
the game, for example, creating your variety of types, so you can heal in
which has a range of 1 and may affect many different locations.
monsters. This is a lot of fun, even if two different sectors at once, or Power
you get a lousy monster. (I once had Flash which has a range of 1 to 2 and Once you've selected your Power
one so bad I named him "Rat-wuss" - will do some combination of damage Source cards, you should have ten
but he ended up winning the game! and stun, active monster's choice how cards, and your monster is created!

Note that you can't go back to a previ- win in at least two of the following Something like this could be incorpo-
ous type of card when creating a mon- areas: most Property Value destroyed, rated into Super Giant Monster
ster - once you've chosen at least one most Population Count killed, and Showdown, allowing monsters to "call
Bio-Card and discarded the rest, for most Monster-vs-Monster battles won.
out" other monsters as if they were Old
example, you can't change your Bio- The game has fairly detailed rules for
Card makeup. This is actually a good the special attacks and Powers in the West gunslingers and have the other
thing, as otherwise monster creation game, and how to destroy Property and players in the game respect this and not
would take too long and also allow Population. The interfere with either creature in the
players luckier in the draw to over- essence is: it's battle until at least one is fully healed.
whelm their opponents. At this point, lots of fun!
reveal your monster, give it a name, But in a two-player game, this flaw
and you're ready to play. doesn't appear. Likewise, some of the
MONSTER scenarios in the supplement get around
VS.
the issue by having different victory
DESTROY TOKYO TOWER MONSTER conditions.
Of course, you may wish to have COMBAT
chosen a scenario from Destroy Tokyo One other minor flaw is easily cor-
Basic monster-
Tower before building the monster at vs-monster com- rected: the rules state that you can't
all! This supplement, though it adds bat is as follows: draw an additional Event Card unless
considerably to the cost, is highly rec- the attacker you forfeit your turn. We find this silly
ommended. It includes 25 new com- decides how - we like Event Cards! So we allow you
ponents and, more importantly, a sce- many of his cards
nario book with 25 different scenarios. to draw one Event Card per turn (up to
to activate, rotating the selected ones
At least 70% of these are wonderful a max hand size of seven) regardless of
90 degrees. The defender can activate
settings to play in. The basic game any defensive cards, doing the same. If what actions you took that turn, and if
gives a few variations on a basic build- any damage gets through, the amount you forfeit your turn you may refill
your-own country and watch the mon- of damage received is the number of your hand up to the seven-card limit.
sters rip it down, and this is actually cards the defender must rotate. At the Event Cards, by the way, can be played
fine. But the supplement really end of your turn, you automatically
enhances the at any time, even during another play-
"heal" one card - turn it back to nor- er's turn, even right after playing
game by giving mal. Other cards cannot be activated
you new objec- again until healed. You can take a turn another event card, and do lovely
tives, preset doing "Power Healing" allowing you to things, such as allowing you to bring
maps, and new recover more than the one card per on (and control) Defense Units to
toys. turn limit. When a creature rotates its attack other monsters, add new Power
last card, it's out of the game (though Source cards to your monster, change
THE BASIC it may come back in a sequel game, of the weather, set traps for other mon-
SCENARIO course!).
sters, get extra defenses (the way Rat-
At any rate, if Wuss won the game once!), evacuate
using the basic GAME FLAWS Population from an area, thus robbing
scenario, you So attacking is risky - in effect, you an opponent of victory points, etc., etc.
now lay out the are weakening yourself in order to
map cards. Great fun!
attack. This actually brings one of the
Probably start game's greatest flaws to light: multi- SUMMING UP
with a 4x4 or 5x5 grid, then work your player games. If one monster attacks
way up to larger maps. Simply shuffle So when I'm in the mood for some
another, both the attacker and defend- light-hearted bashing, stomping and
the map cards and lay them out. There er will end up weakened. This is fine
are all sorts of terrain: various types of in a two-player game - the weakened destroying, I reach for this game first.
water, countryside, mountain, build- defender will probably not be able to Best monster game out there. I'm not a
ing, planet, space, etc. Space and plan- finish off the weakened attacker right big fan of Japanese monster movies,
et cards have to go on the perimeter of away. But if there is a third player in but my friend Paul is, and he says they
the board, and don't count toward the the game, he can step in with a fresh
5x5 grid. Otherwise there aren't any cover most of the cliches in at least one
monster and pick off either of the of the six decks in the game or the sup-
restrictions. Some land and building combatants of his choice. Although
cards have a Property Value and perfectly logical, it somehow doesn't plement. (By the way, they plan more
Population Count, and some have spe- feel fair, and reduces the amount of supplements for the future, but as of
cial notes about their use. Some, such monster-vs-monster attacks in the this writing there is only Destroy
as a Nuclear Power Plant or Power game. Tokyo Tower, so that's what I mean in
Lines, allow monsters with a certain
I'm not sure what to do about this. this article by "the" supplement.)
Power Source type to heal while there.
While Super Giant Monster The components are not up to
Once the map is done, players are Showdown is, overall, a superior game
dealt seven event cards, and place their to Monsters Ravage America from European game standards, and if you
monsters at opposite corners of the Avalon Hill, the latter does solve this must have high quality artwork with
board. Figure out who goes first, and problem nicely by not allowing mon- wooden pieces and laminated cards,
go to it! ster-vs-monster combat until the end you won't like this game. If you don't
If not using the supplement (which of the game, and then allows the victor mind a more home-made look, like
supplies goals for most of the scenar- to heal by the loser's original health light games rich in theme and atmos-
ios), the basic goal in the game is to before having to face the next monster.
phere, then I highly recommend it. ❑

Githyanki (am I spelling that right? It’s been so The subject of Mt Dew came up over on a game
TALES
long...) whose camp we infiltrated to save some cap- food thread on the General Forum and it reminded
tive PCs. As we fled, we headed to a point on the me of something. So I decided it belonged either
map marked “Burlington,” assuming it was some here or the Game Mechanics Forum. I rolled a die
FROm THE town or hamlet. As we arrived, we saw it was a large and got here. A long time ago, in Guam, I met a
cave entrance set in a sheer, unscalable mountain couple of gamers after being exiled to a new duty
TA B L E
Actual Home-brewed
wall, but having no time to ponder the issue and
nowhere else to run, we charged in. The first sign
of trouble was that the Githyanki stopped pursuit at
the entrance to point at us and laugh...
station, and of course one of the games we started
was a AD&D game (it was 1987 btw). The DM,
Dave, soon introduced us to his potion descriptions
In Game. One of the ones that we encountered was
Legends from our readers. At that time in the Real World, a textile compa- a strange potion. It was magically chilled, all the
ny called Burlington Industries ran a rather distinc- time, no matter what, and a light lime green color
tive TV ad, notable for its theme music, a heavy bass with bubbles in it. We tested it by trying it out on
line of "BOOM-ba-da-BOOM-BOOM, BOOM- a brave but wounded fighter in the group. Dave
ba-da-BOOM-BOOM" cycling over and over, said that it tasted really syrupy sweet. And it of
while large lines representing threads of fabric criss- course turned out to be a Potion of Healing. We
crossed the screen horizontally and vertically, weav- loved it, especially when we got the hint of Dave
ing together to form cloth as the camera pulled talking about how it tasted while lifting a BIG glass
back. No one made any connection between this ad of Mt Dew to his lips. I'll never forget that moment
and the “town” of Burlington... at first! of Joy. I, being a fellow Dew-head, found a new way
As we headed deeper and deeper into the cave, of running Potions of Healing. Ever since then in
we were informed of a low rumbling which got all of my D&D games, Potions of Healing are Mt
louder and louder the deeper into the cave we went. Dew! Gotta love it! Another member of our group
“What does it sound like?” The DM made that dis- then also ran an AD&D game and we found out
tinctive “BOOM-ba-da-BOOM-BOOM” sound, that His Potions of Healing were Castor Oil. His
at first quietly but then progressively louder, and house rule was that the 1st Potion of Healing that a
still no one picked up on what it was or what it character ever drank wouldn't stay down for effect
meant... until we reached an area with numerous (you threw it up wasting it) unless the character
made a Con check. You did Con checks until you
A LITTLE WINDY holes in the walls, floor and ceiling, out of which
kept one down. After that for the rest of the
I was running a superhero game, and decided to massive logs shot out as we passed, criss-crossing just
like in the Burlington TV ads to form a deadly and Character's adventure career, you didn't need to roll
hit the campaign city with a hurricane, plus compli- but it still tasted awful. It made for some really
cations. Needless to say, I expected the PCs (super- impenetrable wall while the rumbling reached the
peak of its deadly crescendo! I can’t tell you how funny times with the characters with a low Con beg-
heroes) to be out in the hurricane doing their part ging for "One More Chance" and the party scream-
to minimize death and destruction, and the main many party members were wounded or killed by
getting impaled and crushed by those logs… We ing, "NO, You have already wasted enough
part of the adventure hinged on them spotting one potions!" Of course eventually everyone got used to
of my villains taking advantage of the weather to do watched our DM a lot more cautiously after that...
—Don Boyer them, but low levels were interesting/fun doing it.
a little looting. So, the game starts, and I tell them — Greylond
the situation: “RISK GAME FROM HELL”
Player Number 1: “I’m down in my hide-out, Me and a couple of my friends were playing a
unless it starts to flood.” game of Risk a couple of months back when the “PLAYER’S IN THE KNOW”
Player Number 2: “I'm having a hurricane party worst possible thing happened. We had been play- I was running a game in a Ravenloft castle, and
in the base (an underground bunker).” ing the game for quite some time. We had quickly the players had decided to split up. Well, they
Player Number 3: “I’m going to astrally project wiped out the 2 annoying players and I was making searched around a bit, I noticed that most of them
into the city, with my body in the base, and see if I my move to take over a good part of the board. were searching rooms they already hit. All except
can help that way.” After I had just finished my turn and my friend was my current GF. She was relatively new to gaming,
Player Number 4: “I’m at the party in the base. laying his pieces for a counter attack, the entire store and was playing a 2nd level Cleric. Well, eventual-
We’re going to put drinks on (Number 3)’s head, shook very violently, causing all the pieces to get ly, the group starts to reform as they are going
and if he comes out of his trance, they’ll spill all over knocked off the board and onto the floor. It turned through the castle, all except my GF, who they
him!" out that a car had hit the side of the building, ruin- seemed to be allowing to "scout." She was surviving
Well, Number 3 did encounter the two villains I ing our 6 and a half hour game. To this day we purely by her "clerical" abilities to turn undead. A
had planned, but it still took the threat of Villain refuse to play Risk any where but in the basement of lot of little skeletons running around… I was really
Points to get the other three out in the storm. The a building, just in case of the slim chance of that starting to get worried, because she was getting real-
really baffling part was that two weeks earlier, they ever happening again. —zifnab ly close to the goal, and the Undead Warrior guard-
had shown absolutely no compunction about facing ing it. Well, she found him, and when she tries
down 12 ex-superheroes-turned-Vampires, and now turning him, I unfortunately tell her she fails.
they were afraid of a little wind and rain! — Mitch “NEAR DIPLOMATIC DISASTER” Miserably. Anyway, she starts running around the
W. We had a little incident in our (BESM) game the room, with this monster chasing her. Eventually, he
other night that almost turned really nasty. Fleeing catches her. Very Scooby-Dooish. Anyway, when
“THAT’S QUITE A STAT YOU’VE GOT THERE!” he is about to apply the finishing touches, the rest of
from a troll, we used magic to block his way with
I once played an AD&D campaign at the the group ask how long it's been, and when I look
trees. Unfortunately, this being the fairy realms, the
Yonkers, NY public library back in the early 80’s at the status of the rest of them, I remembered that
trees were unhappy with us later, and we ended up
that was kinda wild and wooly - the DM was pretty being berated by an angry, injured, forest spirit. they were trailing her. Well, as it turns out, this
devilish. He “invented” the seventh stat: Sex Drive! One of the PCs, being artistically inclined, tried to Undead Warrior gets interrupted by a crossbow bolt
One poor female player had a female PC with a placate her with a gift; he pulled out his drawing as he's about to apply the coup de grace to my GF's
randomly-rolled Sex Drive of 18-97, requiring sex- pad, sketched the spirit, and gave it to her. The GM character. He gets torn to shreds by the PCs, and
ual activity something like three times daily to avoid thought a moment, and said in a dangerous tone of I'm left dumb-struck by the fact that I was so easily
penalties to Wisdom, Intelligence, etc. Once, when voice, "So- it's on paper, right?" All the players duped. It seems they had planned it since the pre-
the party of 20 or 30 players (yes, this group was shared the panicked thought _Oh crap, he just gave vious week, and the only two who weren't in on it
huge!), was wandering through a city in a bunch, he wood pulp to a dryad!_ Then I had an inspiration: were me and my GF. Since then, they've started let-
inquired, “OK, who’s standing at the edge of the "Wait, this is a high-quality drawing pad, right? So ting her in on the plans... And they got even
group now?” Of course, most of them suddenly it's probably cotton!" So we escaped horrible worse....—Lacynth40
migrated to the center - only to be informed that a vengeance, but remember, kids, in most diplomatic
washerwoman two stories up had dumped dirty circles, handing someone the dead flesh of their kin
dishwater on them (temporary -1 Charisma, and
GOT A ‘TALE FROM THE TABLE’
is a slight faux pas. — Rat Nap
they were now wet and foul-smelling)! But the most OF YOUR OWN TO SHARE?
memorable moment for me was “Burlington.”
EMAIL IT TO KODTSUBMIT@KENZERCO.COM
We were being chased by a band of nasty “WHAT DO YOUR POTIONS TASTE LIKE?”

FIRK DING BLASTIN’ FAT HEADED SUNUVAGREL MORON CLUELESS FAT COW BETTER TAKE IT BACK
E O
YOU STUPID RAT HAIRED SCRUFFY FACED IDIOT OR \LL KICK YER ASS FROM NOON TO SUNDAY AND
C FF!
THEN I’LL RIP OFF YOUR HEAD AND SPIT DOWN YOUR FRICKIN’ THROAT AND MAKE YOU CALL ME
FA
SALLY COULDN’T POUR PEE OUT OF A BOOT YOU MUNCHKIN LOOKINBALD BUTT FACE OF YERS AND
MOP THE FLOOR WITH YOUR FACE YOU GOT THAT FIRK DING BLASTIN’ FAT HEADED SUNUVAGREL
MORON CLUELESS FAT COW BETTER TAKE IT BACK YOU STUPID RAT HAIRED SCRUFFY F
TAKIN’ A POSITION
A ND DEFENDING IT
Note: Each month a question is posed to our audience on our discussion forums at www.kenzerco.com.
The replies below represent the views and opinions of readers and are not necessarily shared by
KenzerCo or members of its staff. Our role is merely to instigate and then step out of harm’s way.
THIS ISSUE’S DEBATE TOPIC: IS CROSS-GENDER ROLE-PLAYING A GOOD IDEA?
SURE, WHY NOT? I DON’T THINK SO
“I think that people should be encouraged to play charac- “Perhaps I identify too much with the characters I create.
ters of the opposite sex. As the GM though, I'd keep tight rein Perhaps, then, it is my own limitations that prevent me from
on how they are played.” — StJude identifying with a female character. Or, perhaps, I don't feel
that I have the audacity or arrogance to pretend to be female.
◆◆◆
You ladies out there know what it's like to be a woman, a girl,
“I've been playing a lot of female characters lately. I never etc. I do not. Therefore, I would feel as if I were thumbing
used to do it (Heaven forbid a guy play a chick...What a my nose at the opposite gender by saying that I was capable of
weirdo), but have amassed quite a stable of female characters stepping into their shoes. Dwarves, elves, orcs, etc are not real
over the past few years. I draw fantasy/erotic/pinup art, and and therefore will not be upset if I make believe that I know
sometimes use my female characters as a sort of muse toward what makes them tick. And, yes, I'm pretty sure most females
my art. Not only does it give me a chance to have an interest- wouldn't object to the way in which I would portray a female
ing challenge with role-playing, but I get to draw some really character. I just don't do it out of respect for women in gen-
cool pics based off my characters. I started doing this heavily eral…” — BlackTom
a few years ago with one of my wife's characters, an Asimmaar
◆◆◆
Fighter named Pele, and am addicted to doing pics of fantasy
females. “I never allow a male to play female because the ones that
Now when I play a female, I try not to be stereotypical. I I've let try never do it right.
give each of them a complete personality and role-play it to the That and it freaks me out when the "female" falls for one of
best of my ability. Some have been prudish and sensible, while the male PCs!” — DONOTDELETE
others have been downright sluts. I don't discriminate, and I ◆◆◆
play my male characters the same way. I don't treat it as play-
ing a gender, I treat it as playing a personality. — Karl “I dunno, you guys are a bit more liberal on this topic than
I am. I don't think I'd allow a cross-gender character unless I
◆◆◆ was bribed. I've never seen it done well. It's kinda hard to
imagine the large, bearded man next to you as looking like
“While I do allow cross-gender characters as I believe it is
Xena. Most of the guys I've seen do this are either even
the player's democratic right, there are very few good role-
players that I've encountered that can handle the intricacies of stranger than I am, or umm... of a different sexual persuasion
cross gender role-playing. Often it's just an excuse to be than I am. I'm not saying it can't be done well, I'm just say-
weird… — HisDivineShadow ing that I haven't seen it done well.”— Kid Ridiculous
◆◆◆
◆◆◆
“I dunno. I just tend to notice waaaaaaay too much oddball
“About 20% of the people I've been playing with like to psychology that comes into play when gamer males (notori-
play characters of the opposite sex. This includes male and ously not the best-adjusted humans on the planet) cross the
female players. I have found it to be a great addition to the fence. Bear in mind that what I'm about to say DOES NOT
game when they actually play it well (remembering they are of INCLUDE everyone who ever plays a female PC. But I see
the opposite sex and such). this too damn often. Guys who play girls tend to fall into one
Seeing one male player put the moves on another (in char- of two groups:
acter) is hilarious. The best time we had with this was a female Group one: The guy who … subjects their ‘young noble
and male players, both running characters of the opposite sex, turned rogue’ to prostitution and rapes and wading into com-
and the female player-male character trying to put the moves bat with no top on. This type of player just REEKS of bad
on the male player-female character in order to get some infor- social skills and a fear of women and just general ickiness. I
mation out of them. The rest of the group (including me as made the mistake once of having a player like that at the table
the GM) were almost literally on the floor laughing and in with a newbie female player. The session ended in a scream-
tears over how the encounter went. So I'm all for cross-gender ing match when the slimeball spent the entire game trying to
role-playing. — Al Beddow s convince the female into an in-game sex scene mid-dungeon…
Anyway, the other type of guy-who-plays-a-girl goes into
◆◆◆
these games with a long justification of ‘exploring the psychol-
“Sure, why not. Besides... as most of us know, this is male ogy of women’ like women are some kind of freaky alternate
dominated arena. species. — JoeAverageSF

SURE WHY NOT? I DON’T THINK SO
So why not have some of the guys play girls... This might “As the fantastic creations of humans, elves, dwarves,
be the only way you have any in your party. Not too many gal gnomes, etc. all have qualities that we can understand/relate
gamers out there. — Lilith to, women were not the fantastic creation of man, or vice
◆◆◆
versa, not to mention that our cultural tendencies, stereotypes,
and gender roles have been developed over millennia, for bet-
“The key is ROLE-playing, is it not? Why would gender be ter or for worse. D&D started in 1978.
any more difficult to role-play than some other race? My point is, it’s a lot easier to mimic our own creations,
Presumably, you know a number of women and thus have than that which will forever be a mystery by virtue of the fact
some experience with them. When is the last time you met a that we ourselves can not view them from their own vantage
point. This applies both ways, I think; neither gender fully
halfling or a gnome? Or what about a paladin or wizard? No
understands the other, and all of the male players who I have
trouble playing those, so why would gender be a problem?” —
seen play women don’t play them as well as women do. Even
Pesatyel
the best fail, I think, by overcompensating or taking it too seri-
◆◆◆ ously, as opposed to the opposite. Truth be told, I don’t think
I've seen any women play males.
“It’s really a silly question to be honest, to disallow this you I’m not opposed, mind you, to a couple of larks in the name
may as well disallow players being Elves or Dwarfs or Vulcans of role-playing. It can be fun. But I don’t think anyone should
or Klingons. If your reasoning is ‘guys don't think like chick,’ make a gaming career out of it; these people tend to do the
then how can we be expected to act like things that have even most poorly, I think. — Superball Z
more alien psyches than females. If men are from Mars and ◆◆◆
women are from Venus, than Vulcans are from Epsilon Iridani “I have seen two separate cases. In on-line games, cross-
III! As a male I have played a lot of female players, hell I played gender role-playing seems to work just fine. In the face to face
a 9 year old girl in a little fears game at Gamacon this year and world, it’s a different story. Many male gamers seem to have a
took home the prize for best role-player in that game. To be hard time doing it well, while female gamers don’t seem to
honest, I have received little in the way of resistance in my have a problem at all. Overall, a male gamer wanting to play
gaming career (thankfully) but my point is that the addition or a female character is one of those things that I’ve filed away as
subtraction of a y chromosome can sometimes make a charac- a Red Flag, an indicator that trouble may be on the way. I’m
ter more interesting to play. I probably play just as many males not saying that there aren’t male gamers who can do it perfect-
as I do females. Hell, in a Torg campaign that allowed us mul- ly well, but I have noticed a definite pattern here.— lwmarti
tiple characters, I played a Loboesque mercenary and a
Victorian lady who often did not see eye to eye. Variety is the
spice of life after all! — Dr. Evil RIDIN’ THE FENCE
◆◆◆ “…If you're a great role-player, you should be able to han-
dle it, but I recommend sticking to who you are...on the
“Of course you should allow people to RP opposite-sex char- other hand, we play elves and gnomes and stuff so maybe it’s
acters. Let’s face it, for the most part most game groups are really not that big of an issue... — Benjamin Tech
male only, you won't get any female characters if you don’t
allow cross-gender playing. Granted, you hope that you have “I think it really depends on the player. It takes a good
good RPers who aren’t going to be playing BootyGirl, the slut- role-player to play cross gender correctly. In my experience,
warrior in a chain-mail bikini, but if you have people like that 3 out of 4 people who try to run a cross gender character
in your group, probably they shouldn’t be playing other species shouldn't have. To make it work you must have a good,
either, they simply can't handle them. — BHenderson mature, group as well… — Eddie Sells
◆◆◆ NEXT ISSUE’S DEBATE QUESTION:
“Why not? I think a player should be allowed to play who or Q; Bringing in a New Character
whatever they choose - within game balance. I don't feel it's
my place as GM to stifle anyone's creativity or curtail their 1st level vs. party level?
choices. One of the male players in my group plays a female
Pixie-Fairy and nobody tends to pay any attention to it - other EMAIL YOUR RESPONSE TO MAILBAG@KENZERCO.COM OR
POST IT IN OUR DISCUSSION FORUM AT WWW.KENZERCO.COM
than a juvenile joke or two, but what can you expect from a
bunch of immature gamers? As long as it doesn't distract from
the fun or unbalance the game, I say play what you want. —
RangerMatthias S T R AY S H O T S : T h o s e c o m m e n t s
t hat r i c o che t e d o f f t a r ge t .
okay, BOBARELLO manages to WRESTLE way to go “Well, the perfect test of how ‘Hey, that chick over there likes
the dress away from the ELVEN PRINCESS. well a player can play cross-gen- you....’ ‘Um, ok. Do any of you
bob! \
LOVE cat der PCs is this: I had a character know her name?’ ‘Oh yeah...
kewl beans. dude, \ think we
\ put it on -- need to TALK.
fights. in V:tM. ‘It’ was a Tzimesce. Her name is Konner.’ ‘Say
does it FIT?? har har. Basically, a vamp that can alter what?!!?!’” — Lacynth40
their appearance like it’s clay.
Anyway, this PC had a habit of “What gender do she-males
changing nightly, appearance, play!! Should they be allowed to
gender, the whole works. A new play only one gender!! And if
player came in to the game, and they do... is the male char femi-
the group had fun with him.... nine? — The Rorschack

THE PHILOSOPHER’S
STONE
By Noah Kolman
E D ITI O N S AN D U P D ATE S
e’ve made it to June 2003 (though it’s still May as playtester comments from the largest group of playtesters.
W I write this), and many gamers are eagerly await-

ing D&D 3.5, which is due out this month. As
with most major events in the game industry, Wizards of the
However, no matter how hard you try, you will never be able
to address every problem. It takes time before some issues
arise, and you’d have to revise the game continuously to
Coast’s decision to revise their 3e game has generated vol- incorporate everything. Most people are content to issue
umes of criticism and praise. I’m not going to waste time or regular errata to address emerging problems.
space explaining what I think of the decision (mostly There comes a point, however, when the combination of
because I haven’t made up my mind yet), but I thought I’d new ideas and old errata seems to be so much that a new edi-
give a designers perspective on why one might want to or not tion or update appears to be needed. At this point, you have
want to update a game they designed. As far as I’ve seen, this to weigh the advantages and disadvantages of updating the
topic hasn’t seen much discussion, and yet I imagine it was rules. You also have to decide whether you want to make an
an important part of WotC’s decision. So without further entirely new edition, or simply update the current edition.
ado, I present the philosophy of editions and updates. In the case of Wizards of the Coast, they must have felt that
Why would someone want to modify or rewrite a game they had enough things that they wanted to change to war-
that they’ve already created? This is the central question, and rant a change, but not enough to remake the game. The fact
by itself, it’s not that hard to answer. Designers that the third edition was still relatively new most likely had
modify/update their game because they want to make the something to do with this.
game better, or what they think is better (often a hotly Why would one make a new edition? A new edition has
debated topic among gamers). But I often hear people ask- the benefit of being a completely new game. You can change
ing why these changes weren’t made before the game was as many things as you want, keep as many things as you
released. If you haven’t worked on a game for a game man- want, add anything, take away anything, and generally tin-
ufacturer, its often hard to understand why an imperfect ker with the system in any way you choose. From a finan-
game would be released. Both the designers and the fans cial perspective, either way you have to make new core
want the game to be perfect. But a game has never been per- books, and probably new supplements. Of course, a com-
fect, and probably never will be. There are several reasons plete re-write is a lot more time consuming and difficult.
for this. And because it is perceived as a new game, some players of
The first is financial. When you make a game, and more the old edition may not make the switch, decreasing the
often when you are in the process of making a game, you player base for the game.
solicit it to distributors. This has to be done at least three Why would one make an update? An update is a contin-
months before its release, so that distributors can inform uation of the game. It is not the clean switch that a new edi-
retail stores, and they can decide how many they want to tion is, and thus has a lot more continuity. It is possible that
order. This means that you often aren’t finished with every- some or all of the supplements can be used as is or with lit-
thing when you set a release date. If you fall behind, you tle modification. It also means that most of the players will
may be forced to print the book before you can make all the make the switch to the updated version, as they perceive it
changes you’d like to. Of course, this reason isn’t very inter- differently. The downside is that you are restricted in what
esting to talk about, because it is not a choice that the you can change. If you change to much, it is no longer an
designer makes. So that’s the end of that. update but a new edition, and if you don’t advertise it as
More important for our purposes is the idea of playtest- such, you’ll lose many of the advantages you had hoped to
ing. Most games undergo some kind of playtesting before have.
they are released, as a game that doesn’t play well isn’t much Ultimately, the act of updating a game is a desire to
of a game. But the problem with playtesting is that you’re achieve perfection. A game’s flaws are most apparent to its
only using a small portion of gamers, and inevitably, you are designer, and it is a natural desire to want to improve upon
not going to be able to cover all styles of play and all styles your work. I have intentionally steered away from much of
of thinking. This means that you won’t catch every trouble- the financial discussion of new editions and updates because,
some rule or unclear passage. This is why after a game has from a designers point of view, this isn’t really a considera-
just been released, there is usually a flood of errata. As the tion. It is ultimately a factor in the decision, but the desire
game is played by a much larger group of people, they to improve one’s game is always there. The hope is that the
inevitably catch things the designers and playtesters didn’t game will be improved by an increased clarity and balance, a
see. Ideally, everyone who was going to buy the game would benefit that will outweigh the fact that with a new edition or
playtest it, but this is, of course, impossible. update come new books and materials to buy. You can think
So one reason to remake a game is to incorporate the erra- whatever you like about D&D 3.5, but at least you’ll under-
ta, clarifications, and changes that arise after the game is stand where WotC is coming from. We’ll see if they’re suc-
released to the public. Essentially incorporating the cessful or not. Until then, keep gaming. ❑

SUMMON
WEBSCRYER
By Kenneth Newquist
D IV I N I N G TH E M A G I CAL M ATR I X
O F S HAD O W R U N
hen I think of Shadowrun, I think of college. blown source book for the game that details businesses,
W The game was one of several RPGs I played back

at Lock Haven University in the early 1990s,
along with TSR’s D&D (2nd edition of course), West End
locales, and firms in the metroplex.
The mission of the Shadowrun Archive was to gather
information from all over the Net, including sources such as
Game’s Star Wars and Mayfair Games’ DC Heroes. At the fan web sites, mailing lists, and Usenet groups. The site
time, I loved the combination of fantasy and cyberpunk, itself is updated infrequently at this point – most of its
although in the years since I’ve read so much Gibson, entries date from the late 1990s – but it’s still a useful
Sterling, and Stephenson that I can’t help but partially view resources. Visitors will find sections covering archetypes,
it as a kind of heresy. That said, when I was at GenCon last cyberware, modules, society, and just about every other
year, I was sure to pick up a copy of the core rules – the aspect of the game.
attraction of all those great nights spent playing Shadowrun Most RPG web rings contain somewhere between a
in empty academic buildings easily overcame my literary dozen and two dozen sites. The Shadowrun Web Ring has
misgivings. over 150, a fact that easily sets it apart from its role-playing
I nearly wasn’t able to buy that book. In 2001, kin. The listings are nicely diverse, offering the traditional
Shadowrun’s publisher, FASA, closed its doors. Fortunately, English Web sites as well sites in French, German, and other
Shadowrun was able to dodge the extinction bullet thanks languages.
to the timely intervention of WizKids Games. WizKids sub- Irony.com hosts the Shadowrun Dice Roller, which
sequently licensed the role-playing aspect of the game to allows users to set a target number between 1 and 20 and
FanPro, which has reprinted the game’s 3rd Edition and is then to roll 1 to 20 six-sided "dice." It also offers the
re-releasing much of its old catalog. Even without this sal- Shadowrun Dice Probabilities tool, which tells you what the
vation though, the game would have lived on thanks to a chances are of achieving one or more successes based on the
robust online following. number of dice rolled and the target number chosen.
The official Shadowrun RPG Web Site has resurrected The role-playing game isn’t the only Shadowrun game in
the line nicely. Old fans of the game will be happy to find town. WizKids is releasing its own Shadowrun-themed
news about upcoming releases, a FAQ about the game and game, Shadowrun Duels. Duels is an action-figure game
its licensing situation, a respectable list of fan web sites, and that uses a base similar to WizKids’ HeroClix and
a combination of original, published and unpublished fic- MageKnight games, but scaled up to a height of about 6".
tion. There’s also the very useful "Running Gear" section, The Web site was little sparse preceding the game’s official
which is home to generic character sheets, class-specific launch, but eventually it will be home to copies of the
sheets, quick reference files and rule excerpts, all saved in game’s rules, FAQs, scenarios, and original fiction. There’s
Adobe Acrobat format. There are also national and corpo- also an image gallery depicting the figures from the game’s
rate logos available for download as well as a handful of first series.
desktop wallpapers. Rounding out the site is the “Newbies If you know of a site that would make a GM’s life easier,
Node,” where prospective “chummers” can check out for an or would like to suggest a topic for a column, e-mail me at
introduction to the game’s setting and rule books. knewquist@nuketown.com.
Dump Shock is an umbrella site for all things
Shadowrun, and it hosts a half dozen sites dedicated to the SHADOWRUN RPG
game, as well as FASA game errata, online forums, e-mail list http://www.shadowrunrpg.com/
servs for both game discussion and online play, a web ring, DUMP SHOCK
and more. http://www.dumpshock.com/
First, there’s the active ShadowRN list, which sees several SHADOWRN
hundred messages a month, and which has an archive dat- http://lists.dumpshock.com/mailman/listinfo/shadowrn/
ing back to 1998. It can be browsed by date, subject or THE SHADOWRUN ARCHIVE
thread, and its excellent for those looking to re-immerse http://archive.dumpshock.com/
themselves in the game. Recent discussions included the THE SHADOWRUN SUPPLEMENTAL
merits of mounting mortars on drones, explanations of sen- http://tss.dumpshock.com/
sor-enhanced gunnery, and various and sundry rule debates. THE SHADOWRUN WEBRING
The Shadowrun Supplemental is a fanzine published http://webring.dumpshock.com/
every few months or so, with each issue continuing feature IRONY.COM: SHADOWRUN DICE ROLLER
articles, regular columns, and reviews. Recent articles have http://www.irony.com/shadowroll.html
included profiles of Seattle street gangs, a look at baseball in SHADOWRUN DUELS
2062, revised and new rules, and full adventures. In early http://www.wizkidsgames.com/shadowrun/
2003, the site published Downtown Seattle 2062, a full-

DISKS OF
WONDROUS POWER
By Rick Moscatello
A S TR I K E O UT , A B AS E H IT , A D O U B L E ,
AN D A L O N G L O O K AT C LAN S
here ARE the great games? It’s been months since the publicity. Such a thing isn’t possible, of course, but I’m
W a game has rocked my world enough to keep me

up at night (must be exciting enough to wake me
up in the morning), but let’s look at a few:
still satisfied.
The basic premise is, about 800 years before the game
starts, five massive colony ships (from various parts of the
Our first game is New World Order. I’ve been dying for a world, like England, Germany, and Asia) fled Earth to set up
new shooter, but this sure isn’t it. You play Agent Dobbs in shop in the Sirius system. Alas, their safety was only tempo-
the manual (but in game, you’re sometimes referred to as rary, as an alien menace approaches. Naturally, it’s up to you
Agent Parker), a member of an elite anti-terrorist team, going to save the day.
out into the world to stomp bad guys. Much like Morrowind, this is a single player game with a
Unfortunately, even though you’re part of a team, you’ll do massively multiplayer online feel to it; space is HUGE, and
all your missions in complete solitude. Uh, what? This was there are dozens upon dozens of relevant sites (planets, space
tolerable in Soldier of Fortune 2, where the game sets you up stations, and colonies, among other things) to visit.
to be a major butt-kicker, but here, your bio sets you up as a Considering how mind-numbingly massive the gaming uni-
team player right off. The dozen solo missions are all throw- verse is, the designers wisely provided jump gate and ‘trade
aways in any event, fairly short (with no save option!), with an route’ paths, making most travel quick and easy (and
enemy AI that is unforgivable considering they only play on masochistic types can trudge along in ‘normal’ space,
specific maps. Multiplayer brings on a whole new set of prob- although I sure never found anything out there). A nice
lems, primarily involving the difficulty the game has in han- HUD display makes even long and complicated multi-jump
dling more than a half dozen players running around at once. journeys a snap: just enter where you want to go and sit back
There’s no reason to spend a lot of time on NWO. If and watch your ship perform all the necessary maneuvers.
you’re looking for a shooter, you’re better off picking up an Unfortunately, unlike Morrowind, the adventure part of
old game from the discount rack. There’s nothing here that’ll the of game is narrow – there’s only one way to ‘solve’ the
make you say "Yeah, I’m glad I spent $30 on this one!" game and save the day, and you pretty much need to complete
Thinking that maybe I’m just jaded on shooters, I decided everything in a certain order, with each step clearly defined.
to crack open Pro Bass Fishing to see if I was ready to slow At least it’s a complicated and involved story, slightly reminis-
down in my dotage. It was made by the same people that cre- cent of Babylon 5 (with a few more ‘lost alien civilization’ ref-
ated those abominable hunting games, so I wasn’t optimistic erences, perhaps). What passes as ‘side missions’ are essential-
about the fun factor. Then again, after playing shooters, I just ly trade runs, going from point A to point B to make
can’t get into hunting things that don’t shoot back, so my money/blast pirates/deliver messages. On the other hand,
opinion might not be the most accurate… doubly so since I’m there’s a heck of a lot more play value here once the campaign
no fisherman by any means (after cleaning them a few times, is finished, and only the most hard core player will have truly
I realized that the effort just wasn’t worth it to me). seen most of the game after only a month of play (at least, I
The basic premise is as you can expect: you pick up a guess it could be done in a month… there’s MUCH here).
rod/reel combo (several varieties available), choose a lure (tons Back to the Morrowind comparison, there are around 40
of varieties available, and you can make your own, too), a lake different factions; as you complete missions for one faction,
(enough options available, mostly to give a variety of climate you’ll gain enemies in the other. At some point you’ll need to
and fish), a spot on the lake, and away you go. You even get choose sides, of course; if you decide you’ve picked the wrong
a fish finder, to let you know if you’re in a good hunting spot. side and you don’t want to go through a bunch of missions,
Unlike, say, deer hunting, where seeing one is just about the computer hackers can change things in your favor, for a price.
same thing as killing one, with fishing, there’s more to it than You initially have the role of a penniless refugee, although
just knowing where a fish is. someone kindly gives you a ship right off the bat, in exchange
The neat thing is the fish AI; these guys are far cleverer for future considerations. Yeah, ok, gotta give the story its
than the goons from NWO are, you really need to jerk and premise, I guess. Then again, ships are not so hard to come
trick out your lure to get them to strike. Even then, you need by, and you’ll go through a half dozen, bare minimum, before
to carefully keep the tension on the line firm enough that the saving the universe… the primary reason for getting different
fish can’t lose the hook, but not so taut as to risk breaking the ships is, of course, more firepower (and maybe a bit more
line. You actually tire the fish out before bringing that suck- cargo space, with truly dozens of weapons available), which
er in; perhaps not as exciting as taking out a swack iron drag- brings us to the combat.
on, but little victories are still victories, by gawd. Pro Bass My days as a joystick jockey are over; the mouse and key-
Fishing is a fun little game and definitely a cut above the other board are enough for me, which is why I’ve rather avoided
hunting games I’ve seen. flight (and space) sims. Freelancer, realizing I’m not the only
Finally we come to what I was hoping would be the major one who doesn’t want to master a joystick in addition to mas-
game, Freelancer. This was a hyped game, and I tore open tering a game, has wisely made their space sim fully mouse-
that box when I got it, ready to see if the game could match Continued on page 87...
OFF THE SHELF
By John O’Neill
G OTHAM C E NTR AL
Gotham Central times, perhaps most famously as chief writer for "Bruce
By Ed Brubaker, Greg Rucka & Michael Lark Wayne: Murderer." I came expecting smart, crisp writing,
and I wasn’t disappointed.
hree years ago, when I first reviewed Powers in these What I didn’t expect was the round-robin nature of the
T pages, I think I commented that the concept of a

gritty, realistic cop drama set in a city of superheroes
was an original and compelling idea. And it was.
writing, which has been a surprise. The opening two issues
were co-written by Brubaker and Rucka, but subsequent
story arcs have been handled individually: Brubaker on
But that was before Alan Moore’s Top Ten and Marvel’s "D.O.A. Motive," featuring Firebug and Killer Croc (issues
The Call of Duty did the same thing. Since then we’ve seen #3-5), and Rucka on the current series, "Half a Life." I can’t
Alias and Cage from MAX, C.S.I.: Crime Scene really recollect a tag-team approach like this one in comics
Investigators from IDW, and more than a few others. It’s before, but so far I’m impressed and intrigued.
getting to the point where a new comic that doesn’t feature Likewise, artist Michael Lark is a pleasant surprise. I’m
a bunch of police officers modeled on the cast of NYPD not familiar with him, but a quick Google search tells me he
Blue is something of a rarity. penciled Terminal City and Legend of the Hawkman, and
And now DC Comics has jumped on the bandwagon with he’s worked with Ed Brubaker on Scene of the Crime.
Gotham Central, featuring a cast of middle Pretty impressive as resumes go. Here his art is
aged, shoulder-holstered police officers in the moody and detailed, well suited for the book.
most crime-ridden city in America, home to In a lot of ways it reminds me of David
some of the most famous and colorful heroes Mazzucchelli’s work on Batman: Year One,
and villains ever created. Picture NYPD Blue, and that’s definitely a good thing.
with a humongous batsignal on the roof. While the cast of the book is fairly large and
I did, and I knew I wanted to read it right (for the most part) unfamiliar, it really focuses
away. And you know what? It may not be an on five men and women working the homicide
original idea any more, but it’s still a pretty beat in downtown Gotham. The chief tension
darn good one. in the book, and the thing that really differen-
The first issue opens as G.C.P.D. detective tiates it from the comics mentioned above, is
Marcus Driver leads his weary partner Charlie the gnawing frustration many of them feel try-
to a hotel to follow up one more late-night lead ing to do their jobs in the shadow of the Bat.
in the search for a missing 14-year-old girl. Admit it – picture the Gotham Police depart-
The dialog is slick, the character types familiar, ment and the first image that comes to mind is
and in the space of two pages writers Brubaker a skinny police officer with a fresh homicide
and Rucka firmly set the stage for a modern cop drama, a report, rushing to the bat signal and tripping on the 80’
genre most of us are at fully at home with. extension cord.
So when the door of the hotel room opens to reveal the These are good cops, justifiably proud of their work and
sinister Mr. Freeze, the goofy-spacesuit-wearing star of their commitment, who know that every failure will be
numerous Batman cartoons and movies, it can crank your instantly telegraphed to the entire city via the 12,000 watt
head around a bit. Especially when Freeze casually ices up bulb on the roof. "Snobs, all of you," sneers a fellow officer
Marcus and Charlie, and then starts tearing frozen chunks to one of the homicide detectives. "Hiding up here, hiding
out of Charlie as he interrogates his partner. Which world behind the Bat! You guys make me puke!" Detective Driver
are we in – the ultra-violent sphere of noir crime fiction, or and his team are struggling to restore the dignity and pride
the pajama-laden cosmos of bright colors and square jaws? of Gotham PD after decades of perceived reliance on cos-
The answer, of course, is that we’ve got a foot firmly in tumed heroes. They’ve got a long, difficult road ahead.
both. This is a deliberate melding of two worlds, and it’s not Like a lot of TV crime dramas, Gotham Central moves a
yet so tired a trick that it doesn’t work. Comic writers have little slowly at times, and it really doesn’t start to shine until
been trying to capture the fusion of these two genres since you’ve had the chance to stack a few issues together. But it’s
The Dark Knight Returns, generally with much less success a well crafted, adult drama that manages to add some real
than Frank Miller’s masterwork. But when it’s done well, as depth to the well-trodden streets of comicdom’s most
it is here, it can be extremely effective. famous city, and it deserves to prosper. I hope you’ll give it
What drew me to Gotham Central, aside from the a try.
intriguing premise, was Brubaker and Rucka. I’ve been a fan ❖❖❖
of the latter since his brilliant Kingpin story in Tangled John O’Neill has wished for a bat signal every year since
Webs, "Severance Package." Ed Brubaker I knew chiefly turning eight. After reading Gotham Central, he’s proud to
from the unappreciated Vertigo series Dead Enders, but a have done without for all these years. Send your unsolved
look at his bio tells me he’s also made the rounds a DC a few mysteries to him at john@blackgate.com.

Industry News, Rumors, and More
exclusive limited edition Malhavoc the we'd consider an exclusive license for all
Magister figure from Iron Wind, free of Europe."
with any purchase of Monte Cook's There have been no official reports
Arcana Unearthed from the Sword & of licensees of the Gen Con Europe
Sorcery booth (while supplies last). brand.
Future miniatures releases will include
sprytes, mojh, monsters, and humans SABERTOOTH DIGS ITS TEETH
(totem warrior, mind witch, and green- INTO SONY ’S EVERQUEST
bond), plus more giants, sibeccai, and Sabertooth Games has announced it
GamingReport.com litorians. has signed a deal to create a collectible
Arcana Unearthed is a variant play- card game (CCG) based on Sony
RIFTS HEADED TO THE BIG Online Entertainment’s upcoming
er's handbook offers a collection of
SCREEN new classes, feats, spells, equipment, EverQuest II computer game. The
Palladium Books has announced it game, tentatively titled Guild Wars,
alternate rules, and optional systems
has entered into an option agreement will allow fans of EverQuest and the
that you can integrate into your d20
with Walt Disney Pictures to have Jerry upcoming EverQuest II to experience
role-playing games or use as a stand-
Bruckheimer Films develop a live the fantasy world of Norrath in a brand
alone open-gaming system. The 256-
action, major motion picture of the new way. In the game, players will take
page hardcover is suitable for charac-
Rifts® role-playing game. on the roll of prominent guilds battling
ters of all levels and any fantasy cam-
Jerry Bruckheimer Films has pro- for prestige on a server. Guild Wars
paign. It will be available only in a
duced some of the biggest blockbusters will be released a month before the
print edition from Malhavoc Press'
in film history, including such hits as launch of the EverQuest II game,
publisher, Sword & Sorcery™.
Top Gun, Days of Thunder, The allowing players a sneak peek at the
Rock, Con Air, Armageddon, GEN CON EUROPE LICENSE NOW content of the highly anticipated mas-
Blackhawk Down, and the hotly antic- AVAILABLE sively multiplayer online role-playing
ipated Pirates of the Caribbean. If you attended April’s Gen Con game.
"Obviously you don’t get any bigger or Europe convention it may have been
better than these two giants in the film your last. Peter Adkison, self pro- MENSA SELECTS OUT OF THE BOX
industry," said Kevin Siembieda, claimed "Gaming Mogul" and owner Members of American Mensa
President of Palladium Books Inc., of Gen Con, recently announced that announced their annual Mensa
"We’re thrilled." the Gen Con Europe 2004 and 2005 Select® Awards this past April, and
In addition to producing, Disney conventions have been cancelled due to three of this year's winners are from
will be handling licensing for the film. "cultural barriers." Following the Out of the Box Publishing. Never before
Surge Comic Properties’ President Mark reported low attendance of April’s has one company won three Mensa
Freedman, of Teenage Mutant Ninja show, Peter stated in an official state- Select Awards in the same year! The
Turtles® marketing fame, is handling ment that it is also due to lack of expe- three winning games are Octiles,
the licensing and merchandising based rience. Cityscape, and Fire & Ice.
on the Rifts® role-playing game series. "I wanted to give you an update In Octiles, players replace tiles to
Rifts® creator Kevin Siembieda, regarding Gen Con Europe. We are hav- create paths for their runners and send
will be present at the Palladium booth ing serious reservations about the strategy them in a punctuated journey across
throughout the 2003 Origins Game we've developed over the last few months the board. Players place pieces, plan
Convention, June 26-29, in Columbus regarding Gen Con Europe. paths and race to the finish.
Ohio, where he will be glad to talk Essentially, we're concerned that due to Cityscape offers gamers a chance to
about Palladium’s future and taking language and cultural barriers, a large plan secretly the shape of this city from
Rifts® mainstream. This is likely to be pan-European Gen Con event might be its primary view on their side. Then
the only convention Mr. Siembieda very difficult to realize. We also feel that take turns building it to plan, and
will be attending this year. the complexity of this task is compounded thwart their opponents from achieving
by the fact that we're an American com- their goals.
IRON WIND METALS TO PRODUCE Fire & Ice has players capturing
pany based in the United States.
ARCANA UNEARTHED MINIATURES Furthermore, our team has several new three islands in a row, by controlling
Game designer Monte Cook recent- three points in a row on each. A strate-
employees, or employees in new positions,
ly announced that official miniatures gic, move and place game with shifting
and we need to adopt a less ambitious
for his Arcana Unearthed variant strategies that increase in complexity
strategy until we gain more experience
D&D™ player's handbook will be until one player wins.
and refine our systems.
available this summer. Mensa Select winners are chosen
Therefore, we have decided not to run
Iron Wind Metals, the producers of annually at the Mensa Mind Games™
a Gen Con Europe convention in 2004
the Classic Ral Partha™ line of fig- competition. Members of the high IQ
or 2005.
ures, has agreed to produce the Arcana society spend a weekend playing and
But we do not want to see the Gen
Unearthed series. The first miniatures, rating new board and card games. The
Con brand die in Europe. Therefore we
sculpted by John Winter, are due to hit five games that rate the highest are
are making the Gen Con brand available
stores the week of August 11 and will named Mensa Select and may display
for licensing, most likely on a national
be displayed at the Gen Con game fair the Mensa Select seal on their packag-
level. Or, if someone thinks they could
July 24 to 27. ing.
implement our original strategy and
Gen Con attendees will receive an
could develop a credible plan for doing so,

from the Games News source, GamingReport.com
STEVE JACKSON’S SUPPORT OF selfless act, he gets a second chance at club (Oregon Guild Activists of S/M)
ENDURING FREEDOM life to put things right. Armed with and an occult church (Church of the
Steve Jackson Games recently sent incredible new powers, he combats the Blood Red Moon) as well as engaging
5,000 games to United States and forces of evil along with his friends. It’s in a wide variety of other unusual
other coalition servicemen deployed in the classic story of hooligan turned adventures. He has used these person-
Iraq and Kuwait as a part of Operation hero, with its own special blend of sto- al experiences to guide him in the cre-
Enduring Freedom. The games rytelling, action, and comedy. ation of this product.
include many of SJ Games' most popu- The Yu Yu Hakusho TCG is sched- When contacted, Shaw Coté, Public
lar titles, including Car Wars, Chez uled to make its grand premiere in Relations Manager for Wizards of the
Greek, X-Bugs, and the just-released September of 2003. Coast, had the following official state-
card game about military life, Chez ment concerning this new addition to
Grunt.
FANTASIZING ABOUT SEX RETURNS the D20 line of products. "Wizards of
"We're honored to help any way we TO D&D the Coast is in no way associated with the
can," company founder Steve Jackson Valar Project, Inc. recently product, The Book of Erotic Fantasy,
said. "We've always had a lot of fans in announced its plans to release the referenced recently on Gaming
the armed forces, and we hope that when Book of Erotic Fantasy in October Report.com. We find the subject matter
they get a little downtime from their mis- 2003 - the first role-playing game, distasteful and inappropriate and do not
sion, this will help them relax and feel a compatible with the best selling endorse, condone, or approve of its use
bit closer to home." Dungeons & Dragons fantasy role- with the Dungeons & Dragons™ game.
While SJ Games publishes many dif- playing game, which deals directly with While the OGL license allows anyone,
ferent kinds of products, the games sex and sexuality. even our employees, to produce products
that are being donated are all board A generation of fantasy role-playing that are compatible with Dungeons &
and card games, each one complete in game enthusiasts grew up wondering Dragons™, Wizards does not approve or
itself. what the elf maiden looked like with- control the theme of any third-party D20
The games were donated to the U.S. out those gauzy robes. They read Lord product."
Army Community and Family Support of the Rings and fantasized about When asked why he believes there is
Center (CFSC) in Kuwait. The CFSC Arwen. They read Conan and won- a need for this type of product in the
provides oversight for Army Morale, dered if other fantasy heroes compared current market Mr. Valterra stated,
Welfare, and Recreation (MWR) oper- to the prowess of the legendary barbar- "There has probably always been a need
ations worldwide. SJ Games has passed ian. In 2003 all the curiosity about sex for this product. Not for every gamer,
the MWR contact information to in the realms of fantasy will be satis- certainly, but for a few. For those gamers
many other adventure game compa- fied. who want to run a game that includes
nies, as well as the Science Fiction Valar Project, Inc. will be the first more complex storytelling material this
Writers Association, in hope that other company to take on the subject of sex product will be invaluable. I mean, lets
publishers will follow their lead. in the world of elves and dragons. face it - in a fantasy story which is more
"The gaming community is mostly college likely to be needed - rules on cannibalism
YU YU JOINS DRAGON BALL Z age and up", says Anthony Valterra, one or rules on figuring out if you successfully
Fusing the Trading Card Game of the founders of Valar Project. "For seduced the Kings daughter and con-
(TCG) explosion from the world of years the subject of sex in a fantasy world vinced her to tell you the old man's
pop culture with the immensely popu- has been whispered about in private or secrets? Which is more likely needed in a
lar Yu Yu Hakusho™ anime show, the subject of Internet speculation. We campaign: a prestige class for a character
Score Entertainment and are simply taking a subject that everyone that eats their own flesh or a courtesan?
FUNimation® Productions are once is curious about and bringing it to life." In gaming ‘need’ is relative. In actuality
again joining forces to create the next The Valar Project is sparing no you don't ‘need’ more then the core books,
huge gaming phenomenon – The Yu expense in creating a product that is the better question is ‘want.’"
Yu Hakusho TCG! innovative in its design and in its Within a week of the news regarding
In Japan, Yu Yu Hakusho was sec- imagery. All the images in the book the Book of Erotic Fantasy’s upcoming
ond only to Dragon Ball Z® in peak use live models digitally enhanced release, GamingReport.com learned
ratings and that success has translated from photographs. This process allows that Anthony Valterra was departing
just as well into the U.S. market. "In for realistic images of elves, fairies, Wizards of the Coast. It was unclear if
just a few weeks on the Cartoon nymphs, and other standard fantasy this was due to his involvement with
Network’s Toonami timeslot, Yu Yu characters. Readers will be captivated the Valar Project. In an official state-
Hakusho has already surpassed the rat- by this provocative look at the erotic ment, Mr. Valterra stated, "this is a
ings juggernaut of Dragon Ball Z," side of medieval fantasy. The photog- planned transition and the parting is
Chaz Elliott, Score Entertainment’s VP rapher for Book of Erotic Fantasy is amicable."
of Creative said. Doug Safford, a well-known fetish A 32-page preview of the Book of
Yu Yu Hakusho is about a band of fashion photographer. Erotic Fantasy will be available at Gen
teenage detectives that investigate trou- Having been involved in various Con in full color for $9.95. Then the
bles in the Spirit World. Their leader is high level capacities on the Dungeons full 192-page hardback full color book
Yuske™ Urameshi, the toughest kid in & Dragons™ brand for Wizards of the will be available in October
town. In the opening episode, he quite Coast, Anthony Valterra is an ideal For more daily news updates, check
unexpectedly sacrifices himself to save voice for the company and products. out GamingReport.com. We’ll see you
the life of a small child. Because of his Mr. Valterra also helped found a fetish next month. ❑

GAMEVINE K NIGHTS ARE N OMINATED !
ndrew Babb, the creator of
A www.hoodyhoo.com, has sub-

mitted his animated Knights of
the Dinner Table shorts to the
International Festival of Cinema and
Technology. There they were nomi-
nated for the IFCT Best Animated
Short Award. The shorts will be
shown in New York and then voted
on. Of course, it’s an honor just to be nominated, but here’s hoping that the
Knights win! Best of luck Andrew.
For those of you who haven’t seen the shorts, you can download them from
Andrew’s website, www.hoodyhoo.com. They are flash animations that will run
on PCs or Macs. These are not to be missed. ❑
SEND YOUR
NEWS ITEMS TO: T HE H ORROR , T HE H ORROR
GAMEVINE ur worst nightmare (or best dream, depending upon your point of view) it
c/o kenzerco
25667 hillview court
mundelein, il 60060
or email
O seems will come to pass. It has been announced that Zinc Entertainment,
a division of Silver Pictures run by Joel Silver will be releasing a sequel to
the Dungeons & Dragons movie in early 2004. Initial reports suggest the plot
kodtsubmit@kenzerco.com will revolve around an evil wizard who steals something, perhaps a black orb. I
kid you not. ❑
mark yer
D ETERMINE O NCE
K O DT
frickin’
CALENDARS! cos \ AIN’T
repeatin’
myself!
AND F OR A LL
CO NV E NTI O N
CAL E N DAR W HOSE IS B IGGER
believe that all such arguments can now be ended.
CALIFORNIA
07/17/03-07/20/03
Comic-Con International
San Diego, California
contests, huge dealers hall, thousands of
events, and more.
Go to: www.gencon.com
MICHIGAN
I Jeff Russel has answered the prayers of every sci-
ence fiction fan on the planet, and in one fell
swoop. Just point your browser to Starship
The stage is set for the world's largest Dimensions at http://www.merzo.net/index.html, for
comics and popular arts convention to 07/18/03-07/20/03 a comprehensive size comparison of every space vessel
once again take over the beautiful San MichiCon 2003 from every major science fiction universe, and some
Diego Convention Center. With over Warren, Michigan
63,000 attendees in 2002, Comic-Con A 31-year-old convention (the oldest in you’ve probably never heard of too.
International is the largest event of its Michigan), MichiCon features Not only can you compare the size of your favorite
kind and 2003 promises to be even bet- boardgames, cardgames, miniatures,
ter. wargaming, role-playing games, LARPS, Sci-Fi ships and star stations, but there are modern
Contact Person: Paul Tevis a dealer's room, food, auction, open day aircraft and ships for size reference. On top of
Comic-Con International gaming and more!
P.O. Box 128458 Contact Person: John Jamieson that, you can drag the images around so you can see
San Diego, CA 92112-8458 Metro Detroit Gamers, exactly how much bigger one ship is compared to
P.O. Box 656, another.
08/08/03-08/17/03 Wyandotte MI 48192
Game-Fest XXIV info@mdgcons.com As John O’Neill exclaimed upon seeing the site,
San Diego, California 1-313-928-7744 “This is why they invented the internet!” Go check out
Game-Fest features over $2,000 in prizes
and gift certificates, over 100 game tour- MISSOURI Jeff Russel’s site, and thank him for every Sci-Fi fan
naments and demos, miniatures paint- ever. ❑
ing contests for all levels, and games of 07/11/03-07/13/03
all types, including AD&D, ShowMeCon
HackMaster, Battletech, Vampire, St. Louis, Missouri
Civilization, Diplomacy, Axis & Allies, General SF convention featuring Art
Rifts, HeroClix, Magic, and more. Show, Dealers, Gaming, Hospitality
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include free convention T-shirt!
INDIANA Featured guests include: G.O.H.
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07/24/03-07/27/03 (Swampthing), A.G.O.H. Alan Clark,
Gen Con Indy see the website for additional guests.
Indianapolis, Indiana Contact Person: Mary Stadter
The big one. Any game and any event ShowMeCon
you could possibly want to participate in P.O. Box 410115
will probably be taking place here. Creve Coeur, MO 63141-9998
Includes RPGs, wargames, miniatures,
card games, guests of honor, painting

Disks of Wondrous Power
Continued from page 82...
capable. This essentially turns combat into an arcade style
shooter—fine for me, although others might have wanted
more. Your ship is easy to control, but, as all ships are, appar-
ently, single-man affairs, space combat is suspiciously like
jousting, as you run at each other head on, firing away… pass,
turn around, and repeat until someone is defeated. Perhaps
it’s a bit more complicated than that, as you’ll usually target
specific systems (e.g., you’ll avoid targeting the cargo hold,
where the swag’ll be), but that’s the gist.
There are some issues. This is not a true RPG; you can’t
develop your character skills. You can develop your ship…
but you can’t own more than one ship at a time (i.e., a bad
inventory system). Every time you go into a bar you’re asked
if you’re new… c’mon, the first five times was plenty. While
weapon choices are wide, ship designs are limited, either
fighter or freighter (and they pretty much handle the same).
Making money is critical at times, and while on the main
story line, your income drops off sharply – so get a reserve
before starting each mission.
In the end, Freelancer is a fine game, much of which does-
n’t even start until you’ve saved the universe, at least in theo-
ry. If you’re looking for a nearly perfect adventure game, this
one is definitely worth the investment.
I’ve spent a good deal of time lately looking at clans – sort
of online gaming clubs, mostly devoted to particular games.
In addition to focusing on games, clans also have certain atti-
tudes. Some, like Revenge of the Nerds, are essentially nice
high school kids as interested in having fun as anything else;
others, like Deadly Intentions, are 30-something adults, eager
just to find mature gamers to hang out with.
If you play enough games, you’ll eventually be invited to
join a clan. Some advice? First, make sure the clan has its
own server, and a website with message forum. A clan that
cannot play together, or communicate, has no chance of sur-
vival. Next, realize that some people take their clan way too
seriously. Most clans do not survive more than a few months.
I’ve literally seen people leave a clan after a month, since they
hadn’t received a tennis shoe endorsement yet. Keep in mind
you should join a clan for fun, and not expect anything
beyond that.
Watch the clan carefully, and see how they treat outsiders.
An aptly named character, Phobia, at Clan Rocket Rules
engages in acts of unapologetic ignorance and cowardice
(such as stripping weapons from players on opposing teams to
make it easier to kill them)… and then deletes the messages
when his victims complain on their forum. Other clan mem-
bers even admit to Phobia’s behavior as shocking but keep
him around anyway… weird stuff.
Just as players can take themselves too seriously, so can
whole clans. Over at clan Paladin, they espouse principles of
fair play… except in their server, where they’ll commonly play
random players while their whole team is on Teamspeak
(essentially a walkie-talkie… this is roughly comparable to
playing poker with your buddies and strangers, except you
and your buddies are all able to talk and compare hands).
Nonetheless, these guys take themselves seriously, and noth-
ing can match the spectacle of a dude going by ‘High Lord
Excalibur’ running around calling people ‘self-righteous,’ to
nods of agreement from the other clan members. Granted,
anyone titling himself as ‘High Lord Excalibur’ is certainly an
expert on the topic of self-righteousness, but it underscores
the most important point of joining a clan: not everyone you
meet online is playing with a full bag of dice. ❑
Sadly it is a big misunderstanding among before writing this response so this is not a rant
many role-players (and many readers) that the of passion. — Bill Korsak Stageb@yahoo.com
quick and effective solving of adventure plots is
actually role-playing. They play RPGs like strat-
egy games, have no idea of “playing a role” and Thanks for your comments, Bill. Since Tony
look startled when you want them to speak in DiGerolamo wrote the column you are referring to,
direct speech. I’ve asked to him to reply. I think he pretty much
Of course (due to my directive) everyone is covers anything I would have to say on the subject
allowed to do the “solve adventure plot” gaming, as editor. Let me state once again that we are not
but it is a) not my cup of tea and b) not ROLE-
PLAYING at all and then should not be called interested in offending anyone intentionally. I pret-
so. ty much took Tony’s comments as he apparently
In my games there are only the following meant for them to be taken (see his reply). I apolo-
restrictions: (the M&M restrictions) NO gize if anyone took his review the wrong way. —
Munchkins - NO Morons. (Morons include Jolly
powergamers too, who I despise as well.) The
first because my game sometimes contain adult
material, the second because I want to play with
TONY ’S RESPONSE...
role-players.
For these reasons, Jeff, I fear you would never Bill,whereI sensetwothatpeoplethisfundamentally
is one of those arguments
agree. Yes,
ever be allowed to drop your dice bag at my the urban myth of the gerbil is a bad stereotype,
table. that's why I used it. That's my point, the whole
Nice dice — Magnus von Treyer, Germany comic book, in my view, is just as bad. I didn't
s the subheading indicates, this is a sound-
A ing board where gamers can give their

two-cents’ worth on whatever seems to rile
them. So pull back the curtain and come on in
let it go, dave. he may not LOOK
like much but that HAND PUPPET
has 19-86 STRENGTH and a PLUS
create the gerbil stereotype and nor do I perpet-
uate it. I called the comic book for what it was:
stereotyping gays and exploiting those stereo-
the Back Room. You can leave that thin-skin at 8 BASTARD SWORD. types for profit. As near as I can tell, and I am
the door but be sure to bring your opinions with not as sensitive to these comments as you might
wut’za matta?
you. Note that due to space limitations some letters AFRAID? PUNK!! be, the stereotype of singing show tunes is, in my
are edited personal view, just as bad. All of stereotyping is
Got something to say? We wanna hear it. Just use bad. It's difficult to make a point about stereo-
one of the following options; typing without using the examples.
: Via ONLINE FORUM — Just pop over to
If I call someone a racist and you ask me,
www.kenzerco.com and visit our discussion forums.
: via E-MAIL — Send your strip ideas, reader "Why is that person a racist?". I might have to
mail, back room fodder and questions to mail- tell you, "Well, the guy thinks African Americans
bag@kenzerco.com.
THE FUN OF STEREOTYPES are lazy and eat watermelon and chicken." That
: via SNAIL MAIL — Or write to us at ow is stereotypes and blatant prejudicial might be unpleasant to hear, but I may have to
KODT c/o KenzerCo, 25667 Hillview Court, W attitude funny. This is in response to the
review, in the column ‘Lookin’ at Comics’ in
use it in order to explain myself. Am I taking the
Mundelein, IL 60060. side of the racist because I use what the racist
__ issue #79. My big problem is the use of the
urban myth about gays and gerbils. If this thought as an example? No. I am not using the
IN RESPONSE TO author even considered using the stereotype of gerbil example for "fun," I'm using them to
JEFF MEJIA’S LETTER African-Americans and watermelon and fried make an important distinction, a more urgent
chicken or a Jewish person ‘pinching pennies’ I distinction, then say, Deathmask is a lot like the
I amgroupin where
the happy position of having an RP-
all gamers are women. I never
would hope the editor would have the decency
to stop this from seeing print. old Valiant Comics. By your own logic, should-
could determine any drawbacks in that. There is n't the editors at KODT have censored your let-
no big difference between playing with men or Now being a Gaymer, [a gay gamer], I look
forward to the day that the exploitation of folks ter? Shouldn't every African American and Jew
women. They often like hack and slay as much be outraged by the stereotypes in YOUR exam-
as men do, and they get themselves into trouble like me will end. I did not read the comic in
by having a big mouth dealing with my NPCs. review and would not recommend a book that ple? No. You obviously don't support them.
But wait... there ARE differences. Female play- exploits anyone, however they wish to identify Good for you, I say.
ers are less competitive than males. They do not themselves. The notion of making a buck for
shock value is not something new in this day and It is the Rawhide Kid comic that, in my view,
show off all the time and do not feel the need to
compare the length of certain male anatomy. To age, but I look forward to when a basic respect is perpetuating stereotypes to a young and
make it short, its really relaxing and entertaining for each other is possible. impressionable audience (the warning label
to be their GameMaster. So there is my rant for the day. I still enjoy notwithstanding). I urge you to get yourself a
and continue plan on getting future issues of copy of issue #1 and see for yourself. Save your
I do admit that having a chance for a
KODT. But I will be watching for other offen- outrage for Marvel Comics and Joe Quesada, I
romance with a NPC is demanded and I do not
sive content.
see any problem in this. Why should not love, say. If anything, I think that you would be
romance and even erotica be a part of a game? If Now I hope I do not sound like a right wing happy that I am savvy enough to call RK for
the players have fun, it is ok. [and yes you can be gay and right wing] but I
FULLY believe it is the freedom of speech and what it is, rather than review something that
That leads to my topmost directive concern- the right to express oneself. HOWEVER, when would be "more comfortable" for me to review.
ing gaming: “We game to have fun.” Everyone your words, thoughts or actions start trampling And I applaud my editors at KODT for their
should have the chance to get from the game on my rights, I am NOT going to stand still for
what she wants. In addition to that, I’d like continued efforts to put real views and opinions
it.
make a statement that I always wanted to do here in their magazine including your comments.
but never found the time (or energy) for that: There I am done; BTW I did wait 2 days Thanks. —Tony DiGerolamo

want a tournament
in CHICAGO?
help form a CHICAGO
area HMA chapter.
email dave at dstan-
for@
rocketmail.com
ALARUMS & EXCURSIONS

(Origins Award-winning best amateur magazine,1999-2001)
Welcomes new writers and readers. Contact contributor Spike Y Jones,
spikeyj@crosslink.net, or editor Lee Gold, http://theStarport.com/xeno/aande.html
-- wink wink --
KENZERCO.COM
now featuring
KODT strips
5 times a WEEK!
-- nudge nudge --
WEIRD PETE’S BULLETIN BOARD

is a meeting place where readers may pass along information, barter, trade and gossip. Readers are invited to place classified ads, announce
group meetings, seek out other players, etc. Subscribers of KODT may place classified ads free of charge with a limit of one ad per issue and a
maximum of twenty-five words. Non-Subscribers may place ads at the rate of 50¢ per word with a limit of 25 words. Companies may place
ads at the following rates: [5.5” x 2” - $160], [2.75” x 2” - $80], [1.5” x 1” - $40]. Non-profit organizations (serving the gaming community)
and Conventions or Seminars may place ads for free. All ads are placed on a first-come first-served basis with subscribers having priority.
WARMACHINE: PRIME
BRIAN’S Privateer Press• www.ikwarmachine.com
I
SMALL
PICKS
will admit that I had been waiting to read this rule book for a
long time. At Gen Con 2002, I stopped by the Privateer Press
booth when some totally kewl miniatures caught my eye. I’m
always scouting out new minis to paint (despite the legions of
unpainted ones sitting on my shelf at home), and the Warmachine
minis were absolutely awesome. I bought four of them, and the
Privateer Press gang told me that I’d be getting the rule book in the
mail when it came out. And though I didn’t receive the rule book for another ten
months, it was well worth the wait.
Warmachine: Prime has many elements that we’ve all come to expect from a minia-
PRESS tures game. There are four main factions in the game (corresponding to major political
forces in the Iron Kingdoms) each with its own army list, special units, powers, spells, etc.
The game is a skirmish level game, meaning that each miniature represents one person or
PUBLISHERS! SEND YER warjack, and so there are rules for moving, ranged attacks, melee attacks, cover, terrain,
REVIEW COPIES TO:
and a host of other standard rules. This is all to be expected, but what makes
KODT: BRIAN’S PICKS
Attn: Noah Kolman • Kenzer and Company Warmachine interesting are the new rules and ideas. At the center of every Warmachine
25667 Hillview Court • Mundelein, IL 60060 army is the warcaster. These are powerful warrior/sorcerers that control the other units
on the board. They have focus points, which represent magical energy, that they distrib-
ute to their warjacks (steam powered robots) and to themselves. Players spend focus points to increase the effectiveness of
attacks, grant more attacks, or cast spells. The catch is that focus points have to be distributed at the beginning of the
turn, before any units move or attack. This is a neat little feature that definitely rewards planning and strategy, and there
are several other like it in the rules
Why should you play Warmachine when there are already many miniatures games out there? First, the miniatures are
totally kick-ass. For me, that’s an important factor. But more than the minis, Warmachine is an elegant miniatures game
that favors offense and aggressive play over the “stand and wait” style typical to other games. This is a good one, folks.
Brian’s Rating: Steam Powered Excitement!!!!
NANOFICTIONARY • Looney Labs • www.looneylabs.com
F ollowing in the footsteps of Looney Labs’ other quality non-collectible card games,
Nanofictionary had a lot to live up to. But with a simple set a rules and lots of room for play-
ers to act and express themselves, it does quite a good job.
Nanofictionary is a storytelling card game that focuses on quick play and improvisation. Each
player starts with a hand of cards with which to begin building there story. The cards represent story
elements (characters, problems, locations, and resolutions) or special actions. Each turn players
draw a card from the deck, and play a card from their hand. They are trying to finish their story quickly while also mak-
ing it somewhat cohesive, because points are awarded for finishing quickly, for the number of cards in the story, and for
telling a good story. A finished story must have a location, a problem, a resolution, and at least one character. As player’s
finish their stories, they take cards representing the amount of points they get for finishing (from one to the number of
players playing). Once every player has finished their story, players take turns telling their story. This is the meat of the
game, and it requires a lot of improvisation and creativity. Choosing good characters, plots, locations, and resolutions dur-
ing the building phase helps too. Your story must include your character(s), problem, location, and resolution, and they
are generally very short stories. After the stories are told, each player secretly votes for their favorite and the runner up.
Nanofictionary is a great party game. Check it out for some beer and pretzel (but mostly beer) fun!
Brian’s Rating: A Good Read!!!
Reviews/Recommendations written by Noah Kolman
A HOUSE DIVIDED • Phalanx Games • www.phalanxgames.nl
P halanx Games is new to the market (in the US, at least), but if their future products are any-
thing like A House Divided, then there are good things to come. A House Divided is a
remarkable achievement, as it combines the strategy and historical accuracy of a large wargame
with the simplicity and short play time of a german strategy game. The result is not to be missed.
A House Divided replays the American Civil War, from the First Battle of Bull Run to Lee’s
surrender and Appomattox. All this is reenacted with beautiful cardboard pieces on a large, colorful gameboard. The game
obviously pays homage to the old style wargames that had hundreds of chits spread across a map, but updates the style for
ease of play. The game is for two player, a rare find, and uses a simple combat and movement mechanic to greatly increase
the speed of play. The strategies are complex, and there are lots of options, but the game remains easy to understand and
play. Everything is done right, from the basic and advanced rule sets to the scenario book.
If you’re looking for a good two-player game that won’t take you all night, you cannot do better than A House Divided.
I am thoroughly impressed with game, and I recommend it to everyone.
Brian’s Rating: Don’t Be Divided About This One. Buy It Now!!

Pretty Chic (For a Game Geek)
P ARTING
Sung to the tune of : “Pretty Fly (For a White Guy) by The Offspring
by Gabriel Gentile
B.A., Sara, Bob, Dave, Brian The game was going great, the goal I
thought I'd win
Critical hit, B.A. But Stevil pulled a dirty trick and snuffed
Oh, NO! Oh, NO! my paladin!
Critical hit, B.A.
Oh, NO! Oh, NO! So don't debate games from Hard 8
SHOTS Critical hit, B.A.
Oh, NO! Oh, NO!
If you want loopholes, then Brian will
demonstrate
And don't you scream at the D-team
And all the munchkins say I'm pretty Their nerves are frayed, they still get paid
chic (For a game-geek)! So don't throw fits if you ain't throwin'
crits
Hoody-freakin'-Hoo If you don't like it, you can shop at
And a firk-ding-blastin', too! Gamin' Dick’s!
I've hacked-and-slashed my nights with Roll up your character, and HEY! HEY!
GMs in the past Do the gamer thing!
But B.A. is a hopeless case, his campaign
shouldn't last HackMaster is the game that I prefer to
Sara always whines and Brian is a fright play
And Bob and Dave wanna waste every But a flaw with the rule system I found
living thing in sight! the other day
Into a dragon's hide I tried to blow a hole
So don't debate games from Hard 8 But when I launched my fireball I fum-
If you want loopholes, then Brian will bled on my roll!
demonstrate
And don't you scream at the D-team Critical hit, B.A.
Their nerves are frayed, they still get paid Oh, NO! Oh, NO!
So don't throw fits if you ain't throwin' Critical hit, B.A.
crits Oh, NO! Oh, NO!
If you don't like it, you can shop at Critical hit, B.A.
Gamin' Dick’s! Oh, NO! Oh, NO!
Roll up your character, and HEY! HEY! Hoody-freakin'-Hoo

Do the gamer thing! And a firk-ding-blastin', too!
MORE D20
LICENSES WE Critical hit, B.A. So don't debate games from Hard 8
DON’T WANT TO SEE Oh, NO! Oh, NO! If you want loopholes, then Brian will
Critical hit, B.A. demonstrate
Knight Rider — In this retro Oh, NO! Oh, NO! And don't you scream at the D-team
classic you can either play a talk- Critical hit, B.A. Their nerves are frayed, they still get paid
ing car, or a big-haired guy who’s Oh, NO! Oh, NO! So don't throw fits if you ain't throwin'
not as smart as his car. crits
And all the munchkins say I'm pretty If you don't like it, you can shop at
Silent Movie — In this game, chic (For a game-geek)! Gamin' Dick’s!
players mime their actions in a
throwback to the golden days of Last week I got a call from the group they Roll up your character
silent film when men like call "Black Hand" Hey, where'd ya get that HackMaster?
Chaplin, Lloyd and Keaton Newt Forager was at a con, so in for him Roll up your character, and HEY! HEY!
reigned. Finally, an RPG you I'd stand Do the gamer thing! ❑
can play at a funeral!
so what’s going to be? we FORCE the TORCH BEARER this is EXACTLY
Barney: My First RPG — to enter by SPEAR POINT. why our
are you guys going HIRELINGS went
This is the perfect game to initi- through the yeah, he on STRIKE
ate those preschoolers of yours VOLUNTEERED. last month.
RED DOOR or not?
into the world of role-playing.
Skills include: Cleaning Your
Room, Making a Peanut Butter
Sandwich and Being Kind to
Your Neighbor Even if He’s
Different.

®
CONTINUED
Night of Blood, by best-selling Dragonlance® author

Richard Knaak, with prologue by Margaret Weis.
The first page of a new chapter in the ongoing saga.
Pick up your copy, and keep reading.
AVAILABLE JUNE 2003 www.wizards.com/books
All trademarks are property of Wizards of the Coast, Inc. ©2003 Wizards

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www.kenzerco.

John Rhys-Davies Richard Biggs

Those who know that life is a game,

Virginia Hey Robin Atkin Downes

July 24-27, 2003

Eugene Roddenberry Jason Carter

S those we are simply reminded of once

Knights of the Dinner Table® Magazine • June, 2003 —————————————— 3

Iknow you are never stuck for ideas for KODT

Knights of the Dinner Table® Magazine • June, 2003 —————————————— 5

FIELD REPORT: KEYCON’ 20

6 ——————————————————— Issue #80: Nice Knight for a Hanging™

Hey Mark. So you want to die in the Arena of Death do you?

why don’t you write us?

Knights of the Dinner Table® Magazine • June, 2003 —————————————— 7

WHO’S WHO IN THIS CRAZY RAG?

“SO WHAT DO THE LITTLE ICONS MEAN?”

forgot about ya? hell no, HOSS.

\ would’a been here hell, \ got enough PAYOLA

Knights of the Dinner Table® Magazine • June, 2003 —————————————— 9

for yer information, \’ve been hangin’

you just ain’t you didn’t

10 —————————————————— Issue #80: Nice Knight for a Hanging™

oh... well, er... yeah. me and dammit, SWITCH!

Knights of the Dinner Table® Magazine • June, 2003 ————————————— 11

what’s CASEY gonna think? look, like \ was

12 —————————————————— Issue #80: Nice Knight for a Hanging™

coz THIS time \ say, “NO.”

since \ got well why didn’t ya SAY so.

Knights of the Dinner Table® Magazine • June, 2003 ————————————— 13

RECAP: after engineering the okay, that’s it for last week’s

14 —————————————————— Issue #80: Nice Knight for a Hanging™

maybe can you discuss it on your OWN time?

Knights of the Dinner Table® Magazine • June, 2003 ————————————— 15

\’m just not sure how to

\ think what brian’s trying to you mean GIVE yerself up?

she’s lawful good

16 —————————————————— Issue #80: Nice Knight for a Hanging™

no offense to sara, but she

\ should’ve known. \’m not likin’ this keep going,

Knights of the Dinner Table® Magazine • June, 2003 ————————————— 17

by the time the trial rolls around, we’ll have figured

there’s just one PROBLEM. we MIXED it up we’re DULY appointed

\’ll even throw some of my alright, alright.

18 —————————————————— Issue #80: Nice Knight for a Hanging™

okay, brian. the apparent MOB

okay, b.a. \ yell back that we

JUSTINIA gets her day in “seems REASONABLE to me. sure. sure.”

do you think \ was

the SNEAKY BASTARD.

Knights of the Dinner Table® Magazine • June, 2003 ————————————— 19

wait, guys. \ think he’s about to

“concerning the FIVE

A WEE BIT LATER...

20 —————————————————— Issue #80: Nice Knight for a Hanging™

A WEE BIT LATER STILL...

“\ say they are GUILTY!!“

as the mob EXPLODES with shouts

“now it’s a question

Knights of the Dinner Table® Magazine • June, 2003 ————————————— 21

oh it’s gonna be no i want him to see who CRIPES DUDE, RELAX!!!

LATER STILL... DAVE ARE YOU GETTING

yeah, yeah, \ don’t care much for any of THAT stuff.