Step Three

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to

the care of God as we understood God."

Purpose of This step is an act of faith that a loving, life-changing Higher Power will be
there for you as you turn your life over to its care. The purpose of these exer-
Exercise cises is to help you see more clearly how you live life according to your own
will rather than turning your will and your life over to a Higher Power.

Background The following paragraphs are the background reading assignment for this step.
We are responsible for acting in our own best interest in our lives, making
Reading sure that we are taking care of ourselves without offending other people in that
process. It is make an effort at change. We work at chang-
our responsibility to

ing regardless of a Higher Power. When we reach the point where we can see
that using our will is not enough to make a change take place, we can use Step
Three. When we are in a state of powerlessness and become aware that we can't
change any further, we then turn our will over to our Higher Power to assist
us in changing, and we let go of determining how we're going to change or even
//"we're going to change. This is a "letting-go" step.
I usually say something like, "Okay, Higher Power, I've done all I can. I

can't do the changing that I know I need to do. Therefore, I turn myself over
to your will for me. If I change it will be because it is your will. If I don't
change, I will live in that experience and learn to embrace myself in my perfect
imperfection, which is also your will for me."
I believe that this step is third in the order of steps because if we truly do
StepOne and become aware of our disease, we have a tendency to feel over-
whelmed with how "sick" we are. In Step Two, we see that our behavior is sell
defeating to the point of insanity. At this point, Step Three keeps us from being

101
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overwhelmed by what we learned in Steps One and Two. We say, in effect,

"Higher Power, I turn my skewed reality and my codependent life over to you
to deal with. I can hardly stand to even acknowledge my codependence right
now."
But even though this step is a beginning to "let go and let a Higher Power,"
at this stage of recovery we are not as able to turn our will and our lives over
to the care of a Higher Power as we will be after working the rest of the steps.
We will gain a lot more information as we look at how our disease has
impacted the lives of others with whom we are in relationship, and then we'll
know more specifically what we have to turn over.
As pointed out by two Alcoholics Anonymous speakers (Joe and Charlie),
the first three words of the step -"Made a decision"— are very important. At this
stage of recovery, most of us really don't know how to turn our will and our
lives over to the care of a Higher Power. But we make a decision that our inten-

tion is to do just that. And in the process of working Steps Four through
Twelve, the Higher Power will teach us how to let go, how to stop solving
everything ourselves, how to stop using own will, how to stop trying to
our
control the outcome of our lives. The decision is "Yes, I'm going to learn how
to turn it over and I'm going to begin learning by doing the next step and then
the next one until I've done all twelve."

What To Do Begin to notice yourself struggling to use your own will, make a change by
yourself, solve a problem alone, control the outcome of your life or someone
else's, but then remember to use Step Three and turn it over to a Higher Power.
Whenever this happens, describe here the issue, the process you went through
to arrive at Step Three, what happened with regard to the situation after you
released it, and how you felt emotionally before and after turning it over.
 BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 103

EXAMPLE DATE: July 1988 Situation (Problem, Change, Etc.):

My cousin engaged to be married. I have met her fiancee

is
and can see that they will never get along over the years. I
I
keep going over in my mind how to tell them so I can help
them avoid a tragic mistake.

How I Realized I Must Turn It Over:

I discussed the problem with my sponsor. She asked me, "If

someone had told you not to marry your first husband, would
that have stopped you?" I realized someone DID try to tell me
that we weren't compatible, but I was sure I could see some-
thing they couldn't and I knew they were wrong. I married
him and we were soon divorced. I was wrong, but I hadn't
been able to hear any of the people who'd tried to tell me. To
find some inner peace about my cousin's engagement, I real-
ized I needed to acknowledge that ultimately a Higher Power
is in charge of things, not me, and that includes my cousin's
marriage. So I turned my life and my will and my cousin's
marriage in particular over to my Higher Power.

What Happened After I Released It:

Several months later, my cousin and her fiancee broke up. My

cousin told me that she and this man had worked on problem
areas between them for months and he just couldn't feel com-
fortable marrying her, so he broke it off. She was very hurt.
For eight months she grieved. But then she met a great guy
who is much more like her and they are happily dating.

How I Felt

Before: After:

Fearful and anxious Calm, serene

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Times When I Have Turned Situations Over to a Higher Power

1. DATE:

Situation (Problem, Change, Etc.):

How I Realized I Must Turn It Over:

 BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 105

What Happened After I Released It:

How I Felt Before: After:

106 / BREAKING FREE

Z. DATE:

Situation (Problem, Change, Etc.):

How I Realized I Must Turn It Over:

 BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 107

What Happened After I Released It:

108 / BREAKING FREE

What Happened After I Released It:

How I Felt Before: After:

 BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 109

What Happened After I Released It:

How I Felt Before: After:

110 / BREAKING FREE
 BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 111

What Happened After I Released It:

How I Felt Before: After:

112 / BREAKING FREE

Sometimes you turn certain issues over to a Higher Power and then you
resume using your own will in the situation, or take it back from the Higher
Power. Write here about any situation you have written about earlier that you
have taken back, each time you take it back. Note the dates to see whether you
are letting progressively more time pass before you take a problem back.

EXAMPLE DATE: Oct. 1988 Situation:

My cousin's engagement: almost told her I thought they were

incompatible and was glad the guy had broken up with her.

DATE: Oct. 1988 What Made Me Re-turn It Over:

Saw her pain and decided my comment was unnecessary and

might hurt her relationship with me. Put it back in the
Higher Power's control.
 BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 113

Times When I Have Re-turned Situations Over

1. DATE:

Situation:

DATE:

What Made Me Re-turn It Over:

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2. DATE:

Situation:

DATE:

What Made Me Re-turn It Over:

 BEYOND DENIAL ABOUT CODEPENDENCE I 115

3. DATE:

Situation:

DATE:

What Made Me Re-turn It Over:

116 / BREAKING FREE

4. DATE:

Situation:

DATE:

What Made Me Re-turn It Over: