Play #7

Lingo

__________________________

A short play

By Joseph Frost

Originally written as a part of

31 Plays in 31 Days

August 7, 2021

Contact:
710 Newland Dr
Jackson MS 39211
FrostJosephD@gmail.com
*member, Dramatists Guild
 A booth at a restaurant.

A couple slides in.

TED
I love this place.

ONALEE
I knew you would.

TED
Retro. Love it.

ONALEE
Uh-huh.

TED
The feel of the cushions.

ONALEE
A little sticky.

TED
In the right way.

ONALEE
Not the wrong way.

TED
Exactly.

ONALEE
So, you want me to order for you?

TED
No, I’m ok.

ONALEE
But you’ve not been here before.

TED
I know. But it’s a diner. I don’t want anything weird.
 2.

ONALEE
I told you this is my favorite place.

TED
And I really appreciate you bringing me here. Shows a lot of trust on your part.

ONALEE
Seriously though, tell me what you want and I’ll order it for you.

TED
I’m fine.

ONALEE
If you get confused, ask for help.

TED
Why would I need-

The WAITER slides in front of the booth area

making a sliding noise.

WAITER
Welcome welcome welcome to the finer finer diner, where it seems your dreams are pork
and beans, and you bake and take a chocky shake. It’s a Saturday night so sit real tight,
open up your bite and shine down the light. If your good and you know you should, start
with a pud and dud and wait for the blood. My name is Andy, I’ll bring you the candy.

TED
Hey Andy--

WAITER
Whoa there cowboy, didn’t know it was Lone Ranger day at High Noon.

TED
What?

ONALEE
Andy andy looking dandy, eating a lotta albino pandy.

WAITER
Look at you Lawyer Sue!

TED
You’re not a lawyer.
 3.

ONALEE
(aside)
Quiet. Let me handle this.

TED
And your name’s not Sue.

WAITER
Sue Sue Sailor Shoe. Put it on a bun with a Spanish Flu.

ONALEE
That’s right. You remember.

WAITER
You were here last week, Lawyer Sue. And you know the lingo. I always remember a
good customer like you.

TED
The lingo? What lingo?

WAITER
Whiny whiny wingo, what is the lingo!

ONALEE
This is his first time.

WAITER
His what?

ONALEE
He’s a wash-in, I’m afraid. Tide and terror. Tide and terror.

WAITER
Tide and terror. How about a filet of swish?

Waiter laughs. Onalee smiles, but tries not to.

TED
What does that mean?

WAITER
Not mean salsa bean. Words can hurt a stick and bones. Worry’s for the warts so leave it
at the fort.

ONALEE
I’m sorry, Ted. I shouldn’t have brought you here yet.
 4.

TED
No, it’s ok. I’m fine.

WAITER
See Anna Lee? He’s “fynhe”. Let’s flap and rap and cap and nap.

ONALEE
Ok. If you want to.

TED
I’m down... like a duck.

WAITER
No.

ONALEE
No. I’m sorry. No.

WAITER
But look at him effort!

ONALEE
This is why I brought him.

WAITER
You stickin’ with your bicken’ little chicken?

ONALEE
Not when the shine suns. Put a Christopher the sky and leaf it alone. Take it to pasture
and sew the big hills in the morning time. Stewart a little gran gran and pan the san can.

WAITER
Got it. And for... Ted.

TED
What did you just say?

WAITER
Put a Christopher the sky and leaf it alone. Take it to pasture and sew the big hills in the
morning time. Stewart a little gran gran and pan the san can.
(beat)
That right?

ONALEE
Spot on.
 5.

TED
How do you say cheeseburger?

The Waiter is shocked.

ONALEE
Um.

TED
Did I say something wrong?

ONALEE
You just insulted his grandmother.

TED
I did?

WAITER
Well, it wasn’t a compliment.

ONALEE
I’m sorry, Ted, let’s go.

WAITER
You probably should--

TED
No, no. I want to stay. I want to learn. Knowing the lingo is part of the charm of this
place, I see that now. Please. Let us stay. You can bring me whatever you want.

WAITER
Whatever I want.

TED
Yes. As long as you bring her order exactly as she asked for it.

A moment.

WAITER
He’s nice.

TED
Thank you.

WAITER
One Avenue A--
 6.

ONALEE
Not an Avenue A anything.

WAITER
I thought you were fun.

Waiter exits.

Onalee takes Ted’s hands.

Lights down.

End