02 - The One With the Sonogram at the End
Carol: So.
Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
Transcribed by: guineapig
[Scene Central Perk, everyone's there.]
Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for
us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
Joey: Yeah, right!.......Y'serious?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah!
Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that
first kiss.
Monica: Absolutely.
Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty
much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like
the stand-up comedian you have to sit through
before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the
comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought
the ticket.
Chandler: The problem is, though, after the
concert's over, no matter how great the show was,
you girls are always looking for the comedian
again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're
fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay
awake.
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back
the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna
find yourself sitting at home, listening to that
album alone.
Joey: (pause)....Are we still talking about sex?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Museum of Prehistoric History, Ross and
a co-worker (Marsha) are setting up an exhibit
which includes some mannequins of cave people.]
Ross: No, it's good, it is good, it's just that- mm-
doesn't she seem a little angry?
Marsha: Well, she has issues.
Ross: Does she.
Marsha: He's out banging other women over the
head with a club, while she sits at home trying to
get the mastodon smell out of the carpet!
Ross: Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? They
have issues like 'Gee, that glacier's getting kinda
close.' See?
Marsha: Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-
wife?
(Carol, Ross's ex-wife, has entered behind them
and is standing outstide the exhibit.)
Ross: (trying to ignore her) No. No.
Marsha: Yes, it is. Carol! Hi!
Ross: Okay, okay, yes, it is. (waves) How about
I'll, uh, catch up with you in the Ice Age.
(Marsha extis and Ross waves Carol into the
exhibit.)
Ross:Hi.
Ross: You look great. I, uh... I hate that.
Carol: Sorry. You look good too.
Ross: Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands
erect... So what's new? Still, uh...
Carol: A lesbian?
Ross: Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's
the family?
Carol: Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh-
Ross: Why- why are you here, Carol?
Carol: I'm pregnant.
Ross: Pregnant?!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey,
Phoebe, and Monica are watching Three's
Company.]
Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of
Three's Company where there's some kind of
misunderstanding.
Phoebe:...Then I've already seen this one! (Turns
off the TV.)
Monica: (taking a drink from Joey) Are you
through with that?
Joey: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me
down.
Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?!
Chandler: Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I
wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't
need it, so I balled it up and... (sees that Monica is
glaring at him) ...now I wish I was dead.
(Monica starts to fluff a pillow.)
Phoebe: She's already fluffed that pillow...
Monica, you know, you've already fluffed that-
(Monica glares at her.) -but, it's fine!
Monica: Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna
give them any more ammunition than they already
have.
Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a
parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow.
Phoebe: Monica- Hi! Um, Monica, you're scaring
me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and
twirly. And not-not in a good way.
Joey: Yeah, calm down. You don't see Ross
getting all chaotic and twirly every time they
come.
Monica: That's because as far as my parents are
concerned, Ross can do no wrong. Y'see, he's the
Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony
before I was born.
Chandler: (looking out the window) Ew, ew, ew,
ew ew ew ew ew!
Monica: What?
Chandler: Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster!
All: Eeaagh!
(Rachel enters from her room.)
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Rachel: Has anybody seen my engagement ring?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's beautiful.
Rachel: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God
oh God.... (Starts to look under the couch
cushions.)
Phoebe: No, look, don't touch that!
Rachel: Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow
enough, having to give it back to him... 'Hi Barry!
Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who
stomped on your heart in front of your entire
family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to
return the ring, without the ring, which makes it
so much harder...
Monica: Easy Rach, we'll find it. (To all) Won't
we!
Chandler and Joey: Oh! Yeah!
Joey: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last?
Phoebe: Doy! Probably right before she lost it!
Chandler: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these
days...
Rachel: I know I had it this morning, and I know
I had it when I was in the kitchen with...
Chandler: ...Dinah?
Rachel: (looks at the lasagne and realizes
something) Ohhhhh, don't be mad...
Monica: You didn't.
Rachel: Oh, I am sorry...
Monica: I gave you one job! (Starts to examin the
lasagne through the bottom of the glass pan.)
Rachel: Oh, but look how straight those noodles
are!
Chandler: Now, Monica, you know that's not
how you look for an engagement ring in a
lasagne...
Monica: (puts down the lasagne) I just... can't do
it.
Chandler: Boys? We're going in.
(Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe start to pick through
the lasagne as there's a knock on the door which
Monica answers.)
Ross: (standing outside the door).....Hi.
Monica: Wow. That is not a happy hi.
Ross: Carol's pregnant.
Phoebe: (while everyone else is stunned) Ooh! I
found it!
Monica: W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-...
Ross: Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you
might be where I am right about now. (He enters.)
Chandler: Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in
perspective, huh, Mon?
Rachel: Well now, how-how do you fit into this
whole thing?
Ross: Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to
be involved, but if I'm not comfortable with it, I
don't have to be involved.. basically it's entirely
up to me.
Phoebe: She is so great! I miss her.
Monica: What does she mean by 'involved'?
Chandler: I mean presumably, the biggest part of
your job is done.
Ross: Anyway, they want me to go down to this-
sonogram thing with them tomorrow.
Rachel: So what are you gonna do?
Ross: I have no idea. No matter what I do,
though, I'm still gonna be a father.
(Joey starts to eat the rest of the lasagne and
everyone turns and stares at him.)
Joey: .....Well, this is still ruined, right?
[Scene, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross
are pouring wine for their parents.]
Mrs. Geller: Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is
gonna call you. (Tastes a snack) Mmm! What's
that curry taste?
Monica: Curry.
Mrs. Geller: Mmmm!
Ross: I- I think they're great! I, I really do.
Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Do you remember the
Ludwins? The big one had a thing for you, didn't
she?
Mrs. Geller: They all had a thing for him.
Ross: Aw, Mom...
Monica: I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call
me?
Mrs. Geller: Oh, she just graduated, and she
wants to be something in cooking, or food, or.... I
don't know. Anyway, I told her you had a
restaurant-
Monica: No Mom, I don't have a restaurant, I
work in a restaurant.
Mrs. Geller: Well, they don't have to know that...
(She starts to fluff the same pillow Monica fluffed
multiple times earlier.)
Monica: Ross, could you come and help me with
the spaghetti, please?
Ross: Yeah. (They go to the kitchen.)
Mrs. Geller: Oh, we're having spaghetti! That's....
easy.
Monica: I know this is going to sound
unbelievably selfish, but, were you planning on
bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing?
Because I think it might take some of the heat off
me.
[Time Lapse, everyone is now eating.]
Mrs. Geller: What that Rachel did to her life....
We ran into her parents at the club, they were not
playing very well.
Mr. Geller: I'm not gonna tell you what they
spent on that wedding... but forty thousand dollars
is a lot of money!
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Mrs. Geller: Well, at least she had the chance to
leave a man at the altar...
Monica: What's that supposed to mean?
Mrs. Geller: Nothing! It's an expression.
Monica: No it's not.
Mr. Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're
independent, and you always have been! Even
when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and
you had no friends, you were just fine! And you
would read alone in your room, and your
puzzles...
[Time Lapse.]
Mr. Geller: Look, there are people like Ross who
need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and
his papers getting published. Other people are
satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling
you, these are the people who never get cancer.
[Time Lapse.]
Mr. Geller: ...And I read about these women
trying to have it all, and I thank God 'Our Little
Harmonica' doesn't seem to have that problem.
Monica: (trying desperately to change the
subject) So, Ross, what's going on with you? Any
stories? (Digs her elbow into his hand.) No news,
no little anecdotes to share with the folks?
Ross: (pulls his hand away) Okay! Okay. (To his
parents) Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been
wondering what exactly happened between Carol
and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a
lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan.
She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan
are going to raise the baby.
(Stunned silence ensues.)
Mrs. Geller: (To Monica) And you knew about
this?!
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Park, everyone's there.]
Joey: Your folks are really that bad, huh?
Ross: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They
know what they're doing, they take their time,
they get the job done.
Monica: Boy, I know they say you can't change
your parents,... boy, if you could- (To Ross) -I'd
want yours.
Ross: Must pee. (Goes to pee.)
Phoebe: Y'know, it's even worse when you're
twins.
Rachel: You're twins?
Phoebe: Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this
high-powered, driven career type.
Chandler: What does she do?
Phoebe: She's a waitress.
Rachel: All right, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up
now. (They all start to leave.)
Monica: Chandler, you're an only child, right?
You don't have any of this.
Chandler: Well, no, although I did have an
imaginary friend, who... my parents actually
preferred.
Rachel: The lights, please..
(Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as
Rachel starts to clean up. Ross enters from the
bathroom.)
Ross: ...How long was I in there?
Rachel: I'm just cleaning up.
Ross: D'ya.. uh.. d'ya need any help?
Rachel: Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks! (She hands him
the broom and sits down.)
Ross: Anyway.. um.. (Starts to sweep.) So, you-
uh- you nervous about Barry tomorrow?
Rachel: Oh.. a little..
Ross: Mm-hmm..
Rachel: A lot.
Ross: Mm.
Rachel: So, got any advice? Y'know, as someone
who's recently been- dumped?
Ross: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the
word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this,
this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should
try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or,
y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give
Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol
and Susan to the OB/GYN...
Rachel: Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow.. When
did it get so complicated?
Ross: Got me.
Rachel: Remember when we were in high school
together?
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: I mean, didn't you think you were just
gonna meet somone, fall in love- and that'd be it?
(Ross gazes at her.) ..Ross?
Ross: Yes, yes!
Rachel: Oh! Man, I never thought I'd be here..
(She leans back onto his hand.)
Ross: Me either... (He pulls up a stool so that he
doesn't have to move his hand.)
[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, Carol is waiting.]
Ross: (entering) Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at
work. There was this big dinosaur.. thing..
anyway.
(Susan enters holding a drink.)
Susan: Hi.
Carol: Ross, you remember Susan.
Ross: How could I forget?
Susan: Ross.
Ross: (they shake hands) Hello, Susan. (To Carol)
Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we're just
waiting for...?
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Carol: Dr. Oberman.
Ross: ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he-
Susan: She.
Ross: -she, of course, she- uh- familiar with our..
special situation?
Carol: Yes, and she's very supportive.
Ross: Okay, that's great. (Susan gives her drink to
Carol.) No, I'm- Oh.
Carol: Thanks.
Ross: (picks up a surgical instrament and mimes a
duck with it) Quack, quack..
Carol: Ross? That opens my cervix. (He drops it
in horror.)
[Scene Barry's office, Barry is working on patient,
Robbie, as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Barry?
Barry: C'mon in.
Rachel: (hesitates) Are you sure?
Barry: Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be
here for hours.
Robbie: Huh?!
Barry: So, how ya doin?
Rachel: I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great!
Barry: Yeah, well..
Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Jason
Greenstein's gagging.
Barry: (answering the intercom) Be right there.
(To Robbie and Rachel) Be back in a sec.
(As Barry exits Robbie stares at Rachel.)
Rachel: I dumped him.
Robbie: Okay.
[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're talking about
how this is going to work.]
Ross: So, um- so how's this, uh, how's this gonna
work? Y'know, with us? Y'know, when, like,
important decisions have to be made?
Carol: Give me a 'for instance'.
Ross: Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how
about with the, uh, with the baby's name?
Carol: Marlon-
Ross: Marlon?!
Carol: -if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl.
Ross: ...As in Mouse?
Carol: As in my grandmother.
Ross: Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse.
Um, how about, um.. how about Julia?
Carol: Julia..
Susan: We agreed on Minnie.
Ross: 'S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the
rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with
the punches. I believe Julia's on the table..?
[Scene: Barry's office, Rachel is doing her
makeup in the mirror on Barry's lamp as Barry
enters.]
Barry: Sorry about that. So. What have you been
up to?
Rachel: Oh, not much. I-I got a job.
Barry: Oh, that's great.
Rachel: Why are- why are you so tanned?
Barry: Oh, I, uh- I went to Aruba.
Rachel: Oh no. You went on our honeymoon
alone?
Barry: No. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt.
Robbie: Me?!
Barry: No! (To Rachel) I went with Mindy.
Rachel: Mindy?! My maid of honour, Mindy?!
Barry: Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now.
Rachel: Oh! Well, um.. (Grabs his forehand)
You've got plugs!
Barry: Careful! They haven't quite taken yet.
Rachel: And you've got lenses! But you hate
sticking your finger in your eye!
Barry: Not for her. Listen, I really wanted to
thank you.
Rachel: Okay..
Barry: See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt
you. More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in
my life. And I'm an orthodontist.
Rachel: Wow.
Barry: You know, you were right? I mean, I
thought we were happy. We weren't happy. But
with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit.
Rachel: What?
Robbie: Me. (Spits.)
Rachel: Anyway, um, (Gets the ring out of her
purse.) I guess this belongs to you. And thank you
for giving it to me.
Barry: Well, thank you for giving it back.
(Barry and Rachel look at each other.)
Robbie: Hello?!
[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're still arguing
about what to name the baby.]
Susan: Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen?
Ross: Helen Geller? I don't think so.
Carol: Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller.
Ross: Thank you!
Carol: No, I mean it's not Geller.
Ross: What, it's gonna be Helen Willick?
Carol: No, actually, um, we talked about Helen
Willick-Bunch.
Ross: Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the
title?
Susan: It's my baby too.
Ross: Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember
you making any sperm.
Susan: Yeah, and we all know what a challenge
that is!
Carol: All right, you two, stop it!
4
Ross: No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in there yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you
too. two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind,
Carol: Ross. You're not actually suggesting y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys
Helen Willick-Bunch-Geller? 'Cause I think that end up getting married and having kids- and
borders on child abuse. everything- I just hope they have his old hairline
Ross: Of course not, I'm... suggesting Geller- and your old nose. (Slams the phone down.) (To
Willick-Bunch. everyone) Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I
Susan: Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he's feel so much better now.
doing? He knows no-one's gonna say all those End
names, so they'll wind up calling her Geller, then
he gets his way!
Ross: My way?! You-you think this is my way?
Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this
moment in my life being, this is not my way-
y'know what? Uh, um, this is too hard. I'm not, I
can't do-
Dr. Oberman: (entering) Knock knock!How are
we today? Any nausea?
All: Yeah. Yeah. A little.
Dr. Oberman: Well, I was just wondering about
the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing. (To
Carol) Uh, lie back..
Ross: You- uh- y'know what, I'm gonna go. I
don't- I don't think I can be involved in this
particular thing right now.
(He turns to go, but the sound of the sonogram
catches hes ear. He returns and stares at it.)
Ross: Oh my God.
Susan: Look at that.
Carol: I know.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, everyone
is watching the tape of the sonogram. Rachel is
on the phone.]
Ross: Well? Isn't that amazing?
Joey: What are we supposed to be seeing here?
Chandler: I dunno, but.. I think it's about to
attack the Enterprise.
Phoebe: You know, if you tilt your head to the
left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old
potato.
Ross: Then don't do that, alright?
Phoebe: Okay!
Ross: (walks over to where Monica is
standing)Monica. Whaddya think?
Monica: (welling up) Mm-hmm.
Ross: Wh- are you welling up?
Monica: No.
Ross: You are, you're welling up.
Monica: Am not!
Ross: You're gonna be an aunt.
Monica: (pushes him and starts to cry) Oh shut
up!
Rachel: (on phone) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel.
Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah,
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