The Art of Imaginary Friends

By-Arushi Agrawal

Melody leads a rich dream life with her imaginary feline, but although she wishes her dream-friend could join
her in the real world, it simply isn't possible. Having recently moved, she is the new kid in the neighbourhood,
and is too shy to approach the other children at the playground. But then one day, dancing the dance that she and
her dream friend like, Melody is approached by another girl, curious about this new game...

All kids pretend their dolls can talk or that their toys possess magical powers. But some kids take their dramatic
play a step further and invent an imaginary friend.

Imaginary friends come in all shapes and sizes. They can be based on someone your child already knows, a
storybook character or even a soft toy. Sometimes they come purely from your child’s imagination. They’re
mostly human, but they can also be animals.

These friends might always be there, or they might come and go. They might exist only in certain spots like the
cubby house or at the kitchen table. And they might appear and disappear for no apparent reason.

Imaginary friends are a common and normal manifestation for many kids across many stages of development. In
fact, by age 7, 65% of children will have had an imaginary friend, according to a 2004 study. Stephanie Carlson,
a professor at the University of Minnesota’s Institute of Child Development says that the prime time for having
imaginary friends is from the ages of 3 to 11.

Imaginary friends, sadly, are not associated with intelligence — but, thankfully, there's
no link to mental illness, either.

There is no evidence that shows the presence of a pretend friend can be linked to future IQ, but research does
show some commonalities among children who have them. "Kids who have imaginary friends are more skilled
in what we call perspective-taking — they can see things from another person's point of view," Dr. Markham
says.

It was found that children who create make-believe friends tend to be more imaginative, have richer and fuller
vocabularies, and are better able to entertain themselves.

So, when do they leave?

Imaginary friends usually retreat by around age 9 — but some linger, and that's okay.

Most of the time, imaginary friends tend to go away on their own as children become more invested with
playing with their (real) peers. Most imaginary friends fade as childhood fades."
In some cases, the friend doesn't truly go away, but the child will stop talking about him for fear of being made
fun of. If your kid holds on to her imaginary friend for longer, there isn't reason to worry. "It's completely fine,"
Dr. Markham adds. "Again, I would intervene if there were something else worrisome going on, like a teen who
can't relate to peers. But if the teen is managing their life well, then an imaginary friend isn't a problem."

In fact, some choose to keep their imaginary friends into adulthood. "Agatha Christie famously said in her
autobiography that she had imaginary friends as an adult,".

When imaginary friends cause problems

"Indulging your child can be a nice way to bond and show respect and love," Dr. Rodman says. "But doing
anything that causes you or other family members more stress is not recommended. Don't let your child's
imaginary friend turn into a way for your child to exert massive control over the family. Putting out an extra
plate with imaginary food is fine, but serving a whole dinner sends the wrong message."

And, at some point or another, children will experiment with acting out under the guise of or at the direction of
the pretend buddy. "Imaginary friends usually only become problematic when a child blames their misbehaviour
on the imaginary friend,". "In this case, the child should be taught that they will be responsible for whatever
they or their imaginary friend does."

Another red flag to watch out for-Preferring the imaginary friend to real ones, which is uncommon and could be
a signal something else is going on. "Kids who have imaginary friends usually tend to be more social than other
children," Dr. Markham says. "But if a parent notices that the child refuses opportunities to engage with other
children and instead plays with the imaginary friend, I would want to understand how the child is experiencing
their social world. Does the child have some social anxiety? Are they being bullied?"

How to Interact with Your Child’s Imaginary Friend

Don’t challenge the existence of your child’s imaginary friend. Instead, it’s OK to play along.

That’s not to say you need to serve your child’s imaginary friend his own bowl of cereal, however. You can set
some limits on what you’re willing to do.

Encourage problem-solving by saying things like, “Why don’t you share your sandwich with your friend.”

It’s OK to ask questions about the imaginary friend, such as, “What types of things does your friend like to do
for fun?” Your child will likely enjoy telling you all about his friend.

How Should Parents React to Imaginary Friends?

Just because your child is talking to someone you can’t hear or see doesn’t mean that you need to frantically run
to the closest psychiatrist and fill your child with medication for schizophrenia or psychosis. Having an
imaginary friend is quite common in children under 7 years old. However, it is important that parents don’t
interfere or ridicule their child for his productive imagination.

Even if you think that it’s cute and funny that your child has an imaginary friend, don’t stimulate, or repress his
relationship with “Tom.” Simply observe so you can know if this "friend" is a good or bad influence on your
child. By listening closely to the conversations that he has with his imaginary friend, you will be able to get to
know your child better and you will be able to interfere only if it becomes necessary.

Parents should also arrange for your child to do something more than just play with their imaginary friend.
Allow him to play and talk with “Tom,” but don’t let this relationship becomes the sole source of socializing.
Take your child out to the park, play with him, or take him to a place where there are plenty of children around
his age.

When Should You Worry?

Most children will outgrow their imaginary friends as soon as they start school or as soon as they find
themselves around other children. However, even if your child’s imaginary buddy is still around while he is in
school, there’s no real reason to worry, unless:

Your child is spending so much time in his fantasy world that he has no interest in interacting with his peers.

The imaginary friend is hindering his socialization with other children.

You start noticing that your child is acquiring aggressive behaviours because of this relationship.

His fantasy world becomes his reality.

The imaginary friend tells your child to do things that are dangerous to himself or others.

If you find any of these characteristics in your child, seek the help of a specialist.

So, your child's imaginary friend may be a nuisance — asking you to make room for him on the couch,
demanding plate after plate of pretend cookies — but he's not problem. 

So let your child decide when to stop interacting with his imaginary friend. In the meantime, enjoy the extra
company in your home.