Letters to Kazutora

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/33306094.

Rating: Mature
Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Category: M/M
Fandom: 東京卍リベンジャーズ | Tokyo Revengers (Manga)
Relationship: Hanemiya Kazutora/Matsuno Chifuyu
Character: Hanemiya Kazutora, Matsuno Chifuyu, Baji Keisuke
Additional Tags: dead baji keisuke, Past Relationship(s), Background Baji
Keisuke/Matsuno Chifuyu, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, kazutora is in
jail, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Suicide, mentally ill, no beta
we die like everyone in tokyo revengers, Slow Burn
Language: English
Stats: Published: 2021-08-17 Completed: 2021-10-21 Chapters: 35/35 Words:
113403

Letters to Kazutora
by blueanthology

Summary

It has been a year since Baji died and Kazutora cannot stop thinking about him in prison.
After that year goes by he gets a letter from someone he’d forgotten.

Chifuyu sends letters to Kazutora to ease his own heart in believing that is what Baji would
have wanted.

русский
 Chapter 1
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

There wasn’t a day that went by where Kazutora didn’t think of Baji Keisuke’s dying body
bleeding out on the floor. If he could have forgotten it all by now he would have. It was his sin to
bear till he died and he would suffer the consequences no matter how awful they might be. He
would also remember the boy who’d held him in his last moments as Baji died smiling at him.
That smile haunted him but the living person who’s best friend was also stripped away from them
he couldn’t ever possibly forget. It would end up being later on that Matsuno Chifuyu would haunt
him more than anything.

He was what Baji had left behind, a sort of curse for him so he’d always have a reminder. It was
not that he wanted to forget Baji but rather that he couldn’t bear to face the fact that anyone else
might be just as distraught over him as he was. If someone could have been more distraught it was
Matsuno.

The constant thought on him hadn’t truly haunted him till he got his first letter from him in prison.
Kazutora didn’t understand why he’d done it or really who he was till after he’d read it. It was a
fairly short letter asking how he was, or what he was doing, he couldn’t remember now but it was
for whatever reason heart wrenching. The first letter came almost exactly a year after he’d gotten
sent to prison.

He’d spent that year thinking only of Baji over and over again. Any joyous memory they had had
was overwritten with an ugly feeling, a sickening one that made him feel like throwing up. When
he thought of Baji he thought of how he had wanted him dead, if only for a few hours he’d wanted
it. Kazutora had gone to really genuinely hurt somebody who was in every sense of the phrase ‘all
he had left’. To think about killing him now makes him nauseous.

He had completely gone off the deep end, he thought, he wanted everyone else to be in pain and
for it to be anyone else’s fault that he himself was in pain. Kazutora knew he had a sick mind, he
felt he was twisted in a way others didn’t fully understand. Mikey had understood till his actions
took a turn for the worse. Deep in his heart he understood it was his own fault but it was so much
easier for it not to be. The first time he’d killed someone he couldn’t wrap his head around it. How
it couldn’t be his fault, there was no way for it to have been his own fault and yet… and yet he’d
done it. So he rationed it differently, it was Mikey’s fault.

Baji never stopped sending him letters, never stopped defending him. He’d spent so long
following Kazutora around, his loyalty ran deep for him. How was it possibly he’d killed him? If
he thought about it hard enough it didn’t make sense, none of it fit together really. And so, now
he’d finally come to the conclusion that maybe he really, truly hated himself and there was no way
around that. Kazutora Hanemiya was a truly terrible person and if he could he’d wish death upon
himself. He knew he couldn’t do it, that all he’d done deserved a punishment and for him that was
to live. He would go on suffering for Shinichiro, for Baji.

Today Kazutora was reminded of Baji’s letters he’d sent to him while he was in Juvie. They were
all terribly written and messy, to be honest most of the time the illegibility of them all made him
give up more times than not. And then one day the weekly letter he’d gotten from Baji was legible
or legible enough. It was for the most part all spelled correctly. Reading that letter was also the
first time he’d ever heard the name Matsuno Chifuyu.
From then on most of the letters contained small things about Chifuyu. Mostly things Baji and he
had done or that he was good at writing and had helped him with the letter or his work. At first
he’d just assumed Baji had gotten a tutor until he was given the title of “friend”. That was the first
time Kazutora had ever been honestly jealous of someone else. Baji made friends too easily he felt,
his judgement of character was all too made too much on a whim.

The first time he met Chifuyu he was covered in blood. Kazutora had suggested to Hanma that it
be Baji’s former vice captain he used for his initiation, that way they would be sure he was loyal.
His request was accepted and Chifuyu came willingly. He let himself get beaten half to death by
his former captain with almost no complaint, he’d been silent the entire time. Kazutora had
enjoyed seeing him hurt, his blood coating Baji’s hands and running on the floor, how pained he’d
looked during it all, he relished in it. Baji’s partner was not Matsuno Chifuyu, it was Kazutora
Hanemiya and he had just proven that.

The last time Kazutora had thought of Chifuyu was on Bloody Halloween when he’d watched Baji
die in his arms. He had not thought about him after, he was tucked away in his mind along with
other parts of his guilt he couldn’t handle in the moment. Today he thought of him for the first
time in a long while as his name was printed neatly on the upper corner of the envelope he’d just
received.

It was almost as if time had slowed for Kazutora as he read his name over and over. He’d seen that
name in Baji’s terrible handwriting a hundred times before and there it was again, pretty and
squarely written with his own name a few lines under. It was the second person he’d ever gotten a
letter from, Baji being the first and he couldn’t understand why.

It took him a week to open the letter till his curiosity got the better of him. He was only reading it
so it wasn’t as if the letter could do anything to him. In fact it might have information he needed or
something of the sort so really it’d be worse if he didn’t open it, so he did. He would regret that
decision after.

Chifuyu’s writing was just as neat as it was on the envelope. The paper was folded in half when he
took it out and the paper was clean and white so it’d probably been written fairly recently. He
could tell the letter was short even before reading it.

Kazutora would forget this letter’s contents later on. It was only rereading them that he
remembered exactly how he’d felt. He was for the first time in a long while plainly scared.

November 7th, 2006

Hanemiya Kazutora,

I’ve heard you prefer your first name though I felt it was better this way since we don’t know each
other or at least I don’t believe you know me. Baji-san used to write to you before, I felt he’d want
you to keep getting letters, that’s all. There’s truly no other reason for me to do this than that. If
you don’t want me to write I understand, I’ll send them regardless but I understand. I should make
it clear I’m not doing this to gain your friendship Hanemiya-kun, I am only carrying out a wish. I
am sure you understand what I mean Hanemiya-kun. Thank you for your cooperation.

It took me too long to decide to write this and even now I can’t quite decide if I should. If I spend
all my time deciding I won’t do it though. I really just thought Baji-san would be uneased by you
not receiving letters any longer and since he is no longer here this is all I can do for him. I ask you
not pity me as I write these, they are in all ways but the address not for you.

I figure you won’t need or want to respond to this before I send my next letter. I’d be more
surprised at you if you did respond to me. You do not need to reply, in fact it’s entirely
unnecessary that you do. I’ll write to you next week Hanemiya-kun.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

That name held a terrifying weight over him that he’d forgotten. All the feelings of previous
jealousy, resentment and anger washed over him till he settled on scared. He had been so wrapped
up in himself that the other people he’d hurt hadn’t completely crossed his mind. He had thought
of the other Toman members of course but he had conveniently lost thought of Chifuyu. That was
the one person who might truly be in just as much pain as he was.

His words were clean and thought over. It was obvious there had been other drafts of that letter
and that he’d probably been even angrier in most of the other drafts. He must hate Kazutora just as
much as Kazutora hates himself. There were only a few things he’d cared to remember or observe
about Chifuyu and one of them was that no matter how oblivious Baji had been Chifuyu was
deeply in love with him.

If he was to respond to him, what could he even say? I’m sorry. Could he even do anything to
make him understand? I’m sorry. How dare he be in so much pain over this. No matter what he
did, no matter what he said nothing would bring Baji back. They were both aware of this. He
could spend his whole life apologising for taking his love away and it wouldn’t be enough. So he
didn’t respond.

Instead Kazutora spent the next week thinking of Chifuyu and how he’d probably ruined his life
moving forward. His most recent cross to bear. It was him who pushed Baji and Chifuyu away
from each other. It was him who took him to the other side. And it was him who killed him in the
end. No one would have Baji now, and they both had gained a loss.

If he was honest, being sent letters by him would be painful. A new cruel kind of punishment for
what he’d done but who was he to ask someone else to give up their way of grieving. So he let it
continue. He would continue to receive them but he could not bear to respond. What kind of
words do you give to the person you’ve taken everything from? Are there any correct kind of
words for that? Kazutora believed there weren’t or that at least he didn’t have any.

He continued to receive letters from him every week just like Baji had done. At first his writing
was very stiff and angry till he decided what he wanted to write to Kazutora about. A month into
receiving letters he got one about Baji. Not in the way he had been doing them but rather a story
about him. It was a retelling of the first time they had met. It was far more telling about Chifuyu’s
personality than he thought. To Kazutora he was cold and grown up, the way he spoke reminded
him of someone whose advice was from books rather than experience. In the story he sounded
playful and much more like someone he’d imagine Baji would have wanted to be friends with.

Those letters continued till he learned more and more about Chifuyu and Baji’s relationship.
Really an awful kind of torture because everytime he began to fall into the story and want to smile
or laugh at something Baji had done he remembered who was writing the story. He remembered
why Chifuyu was writing to him and he remembered vividly the night of bloody halloween and
Baji’s lifeless body. Chifuyu did not write to him for him to enjoy the story, rather maybe to
understand exactly what Chifuyu had lost. More often than not he found himself having to stop
during the letters because he felt his heart would drop during them.

Kazutora dreaded getting letters from Chifuyu and he dreaded remembering Baji. This week's
letter was the first one he’d cried at. He was in a particularly bad place when he read it having
woken up from a nightmare only a few hours earlier and unable to think of anything but how cold
Baji must have been in his last moments. When he read Chifuyu’s letter to him all his emotions
from the previous ones and his day up until then bubbled over.

March 3rd, 2007

Hanemiya Kazutora,

I think today’s letter might be longer than usual but I don’t think I can say all I want in a short
way. You see, I’d known Baji for quite a while before this happened and it was only then I’d
realized I loved him. I never told him unfortunately and I regret that every single day. He might
not have wanted to know or even understood what I meant if I did tell him but I loved him. I love
him. You shouldn’t change how you feel knowing that information though. It’s a really trivial
thing.

I knew I loved him on the stairs. One particular night he decided he couldn’t go home. I can’t
really remember the reason now but he’d decided he wouldn’t go home and so he dragged me
along with him. I’m sure it had to do with his mother, she frightened him as much as he wouldn’t
enjoy admitting it. He spent the night talking to me, he even bought me dinner for the trouble he’d
caused me by keeping me out so late. We’d always split whatever we got, it became a tradition of
sorts after the first time. I’m sure Baji could have eaten far more and probably was always still
hungry after but we always split.

We settled on spending the night on the stairs. It was continually more uncomfortable the more we
sat but looking back I wouldn’t trade that spot for anything. Baji talked to me all night. He could
talk about anything for hours on end to me. It was an endless conversation over something I really
can’t remember now.

I remember how he looked that night though. I remember thinking how cool he could be doing
absolutely nothing at all. He did that so often, he looked so intense and I admired him for it. We
didn’t fall asleep that night.

There was only one part of our conversation I do remember now because I wrote it down when I
got home. He asked me “How do you always know what I’m feeling when I can’t even tell
myself?” And I remember I didn’t have an answer for that. I wish I could have told him what my
answer is now but it was such a difficult question at the time.

Mikey once told me that Baji-san was unreadable and I thought how could that be true when I
know everything he’s thinking? For me he was always an open book. It was so easy to understand
what he needed, what he thought and felt without words. I could never do it so easily with anyone
else; he was just so obvious to me. It was as if I’d been given this one specific person to
understand completely. I didn’t realize that until he asked me.

I think my answer back to him was lame. Something like… “I just can.” and I told him why he
 asked that. I remember him laughing at my response though. He always laughed at my jokes even
if they weren’t funny. Baji was terrible at telling jokes, he’d always say them too seriously but it
was funny for all the wrong reasons.

We stayed on the stairs we were sat on till morning. The sunrise was bright and we got yelled at
by one of the neighbors for blocking the path when they came out and saw us. I’d never done that
with anyone before or after that. I remember realizing when we were going to leave that I loved
him and that I really didn’t want to leave the stairs that morning. I believe Baji hadn’t wanted to
leave the stairs as well. I’d wanted it to have just been a little while longer so I could have looked
at him a little more.

I was right, that was my longest letter. This shouldn’t have been as long as it was or as rambling
either. It might not even make sense if I’m honest. I’ll write to you next week Hanemiya-kun.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

Kazutora had to wait for the paper to dry after because there were many wet spots on it afterwards.
He hated to understand Chifuyu who wrote to him. He himself knew Chifuyu loved Baji but to
hear about it was an entirely different story. He sat on his bed in his cell gripping onto his arms,
digging his nails into his skin and crying. It was impossible to be able to handle the weight of the
story.

Chifuyu is going to go the rest of his life unable to say I love you to Baji. It was his fault. He
hated himself. He hated the letters. He hated the cold walls of the cell that were uncomfortable to
lean on. And mostly he hated that Baji was not there to visit. He did not deserve to think like that
and so he settled on crying.

It was the first time Kazutora had cried since Bloody Halloween and it felt worse than he
remembered it to. Crying was a truly awful thing, everything was wet and heavy and warm and
they stuck to your face to remind you that you’d cried. He’d never felt better after crying only
worse.

He re-read that letter in specific probably over twenty times before the next one came. If he was
able to heal it was not from reading that. There was a thought he had many times during those
readings that followed along the line Chifuyu wrote of “It was as if I’d been given this one specific
person to understand completely.” Kazutora had never had anyone like that and felt that now he
surely shouldn’t.

Chapter End Notes

So, I wanted to do this for a while and it was going to be written after I finished my
Kokonui au but I figured I'd update 2 at once since I had motivation for this. I just
wanted an au saying what happened while he was in prison-
 Chapter 2
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

The letters came weekly just as Baji’s had and they had been coming for over half a year. He’d
gotten somewhat used to the way it felt to get them and the stories Chifuyu told in them. Some of
them were comforting in a way and he would read them over and over again trying to picture the
scene Chifuyu built for him in his mind. Kazutora would try and imagine what Baji was thinking
or feeling during the memories and what he would have looked like. He couldn’t really picture
Chifuyu as he might have looked since his idea of him was all warped from his previous images of
him. The Chifuyu he knew was always covered in blood.

Still he would sit for hours if he had the time reading the letters he enjoyed. If he read them
enough times he’d get sad about them and think of Baji and how angry Chifuyu was with him and
that the letters were not something to be enjoyed. Kazutora tried desperately to avoid thoughts that
followed after that.

He had favorite letters of Chifuyu’s that he kept in a separate drawer than the others. He realized
at one point that the envelopes the letters came in would take up too much space and took all of
them out of them to discard the envelopes. It was an awkward conversation handing fistfuls of
paper to the guards and explaining what they were.

They were allowed to keep some kinds of personal possessions at the jail depending on what their
behavior was like. Kazutora unlike in juvie didn’t stand out at all and spent most of his time doing
absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, he didn’t talk to anyone or cause any trouble and was
incredibly quiet. The guards had no issue with him and so the letters stayed in his cell. He had a
small sort of metal dresser in his cell where personal belongings would have gone if they were
allowed (books or notepads, posters even). That was where Kazutora put all the letters to the point
where the first drawer was almost filled. He’d gotten nervous at one point that he’d have to throw
them away so he started folding them so they would all fit if Chifuyu kept sending them.

It was an occasional thought that crossed his mind, ‘What if the letters stop coming’. As much as
he hated them he felt sad at the thought knowing that Chifuyu was the only other person outside of
the prison ever thinking of him. Even if he was thinking of how much he wished him dead or
wanting him to suffer he was thinking of him and so that thought for whatever reason made him
feel incredibly lonely.

Kazutora couldn’t harbor ill feelings toward Chifuyu if he wanted to. Though, there was one time
he decided he wished Chifuyu would forget him entirely. It would be easier for him maybe then to
tell him to stop.

The first letter of his that Kazutora ever responded to was to ask him not to come see him or at
least it would have been. Chifuyu hadn’t asked him if he would let him come or be okay with it.
The way he did it was a very short announcement at the end of his letter. It was almost as if every
letter he’d sent was leading up to this terrible moment. A divine punishment he was, it was all
Kazutora could do not to think of him after that when he was the only one contacting him.

It was the 2nd letter after the first one that wasn’t necessarily a story about Baji. It was for
Kazutora. It was the 2nd letter that felt like it was truly addressed correctly to be for him. Chifuyu
was speaking to him in the letter and he’d wished he could have known what he was thinking
during it. The letter was meant to harm.
Kazutora would remember this letter's contents word for word since he had read it so many times
in the future. It’s been ruined from the oil of his hands now from how many times he’s read it.

July 15th, 2007

Hanemiya Kazutora,

I realized once when I was with Baji-san during the 2nd year I’d known him that I already knew
you. I never had the heart to tell him but when I put it together my image of you had cracked. See,
he used to talk about you any chance he had. It was as if you were always on his mind even when
you weren’t there. I thought you must have been something great because of how he spoke about
you. To be able to be so close to Baji-san… that person must be really special.

He showed me a picture of you that day. I don’t know why I never asked him before but I finally
did that day out of pure curiosity. The image I had of you in my mind was so misguided and
childish if I think about it. You looked nothing like what I imagined but you did look like the
person who beat me up once when I was in grade school.

I’m sure you don’t remember Hanemiya-kun but we met before Valhalla when you broke my arm.
You were the 1st person to break one of my bones, you should be proud. I hadn’t done anything
particularly out of the ordinary that day but I think it was my hair you said you didn’t like. I
looked like a punk, that was it. So you beat me up.

When I saw the picture Baji-san talked about how cool you looked. He said you’d wanted to get
highlights and that you and he were going to do it once you got out of juvie. I only remember
realizing that I was terrified of that person he was holding the photo of. Every story he told of you
after had a sour taste that went with it.

I got over it eventually when he decided we were to be friends. He’d wanted us to get along since
we were his best friends. We were going to bike together once you got out… Did you know that?

I’m coming to see you next week since I’ve been approved for visitation. I’ll see you then
Hanemiya-kun.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

It was as if all the air had been knocked out of his lungs and he could no longer breathe. Next
week had not meant the following Monday but it had meant today. Each letter comes in a few days
after it has been sent and then is looked over by the guards in the front. All of that takes at least
four or five days total before it comes to him. This particular letter Kazutora had neglected to open
till today which meant in a few hours Matsuno Chifuyu and he would meet for the second… third
time.
Kazutora didn’t have the time to feel stupid for not reading the letter sooner to give himself time to
prepare, he was terrified then and there instead. It was as if any other possible emotion he could
have been feeling right then was overtaken by his extreme nerves, so all he was was scared. If it
had been someone else maybe he would have just said no when the guards announced his visitor
and not gone. He couldn’t quite do that to the person who had been sending him letters these past
six months, every week without fail. There was a sort of obligation he had to Chifuyu as Baji’s
friend, killer, and everything standing in the way of Chifuyu’s happiness, so he would go to see
him when the time came. Even if he felt like throwing up over the nerves.

Kazutora spent the next few hours overthinking exactly what was about to happen and overplaying
it all in his head. He’d decided exactly how he would speak and every possible situation in which
anything could possibly go bad between them. He imagined what reactions he should give if
Chifuyu is angry or threatening, he thought of how he should act if he is to scream at him. There
was no possibility Kazutora hadn’t thought of in those three hours that he wasn’t prepared for.
And yet he was still terrified.

He had been convicted with a charge of 1st degree murder: the intent to kill and the action of doing
so. And yet, because of his testimony and age his sentence was lessened (not by much because of
his previous conviction) and because of his good behavior when Chifuyu was coming to see him he
would sit in the regular visiting quarters and not behind glass. Kazutora wasn’t sure if he’d wished
he could have been behind glass or not for their meeting.

His visitor was announced to him by a slightly surprised guard who usually took care of his cell
block at this hour. He’d never gotten a visitor before, and so the slight shock was probably
warranted. This particular guard seemed a bit glad with the visit seeing as it wasn’t from any law
officials or someone from the government and just someone coming to see him.

All Kazutora could think when he was stepping through the door was ‘I’m scared’. His stomach
felt like it had dropped the way it does when you hear awful news or find out you hadn’t been
called back for something you wanted. Whatever you call that feeling, dread, Kazutora felt it to an
extreme petrifying state. He walked with the guard through the door far too slowly and the guard
helped him through pushing with his hand on Kazutora’s back so he stumbled through the door.

Kazutora wasn’t handcuffed when he went into the visitation quarters as there were only a few
people visiting and quite a few guards lining the walls talking to each other. It seemed they
weren’t worried about the current visitations going on. He knew that the other few people who
had visitors in this part today got them regularly so the lack of concern was probably warranted.

He brought his eyes along the walls to the back corner where he saw him. Finally unbruised with
his hair in his eyes and for once casual clothes was Matsuno Chifuyu. It was as if all the letters had
caught up to him and every awful emotion he’d gotten from them was tearing it’s way into his
heart the longer he looked at him. Chifuyu looked up at him when he heard the door close and
Kazutora began his slow walk to the table to sit with him. He couldn’t rip his eyes away from
Chifuyu no matter how hard he tried during that walk. It was as if Chifuyu was telling him ‘you
better not look away from me. Own up to what you did. I’m the only one who should be upset
right now.’

He was right. Chifuyu was the only one who should be so upset right now. Who was Kazutora to
let any of this be about himself? They kept their eye contact with each other till he sat down across
from him at the table he was at.
Chifuyu was the first to speak as it was increasingly clear that Kazutora had mentally sewed his
own mouth shut. “You look surprised to see me.” That was true, even though Kazutora had tried
over and over again to picture Chifuyu in his mind he didn’t look how he remembered and he felt
even worse sitting there than he imagined. He thought ‘So this is what torture feels like’.

“I only opened the letter this morning.” His eye contact with Chifuyu was weak and he could only
keep it for so long before constantly shifting his eyes between the table and him. Kazutora was
grabbing at the ends of his uniform’s shirt in a nervous fashion trying to calm himself down or at
least give his hands something to do other than sweat.

The eyes Chifuyu had were cold and disheartening like he was practiced at telling people to beg for
mercy. He was sure he’d never done it but his eyes were still terrifying. “I’m surprised you
opened them at all. Do you actually read them or do you just throw them away?” It seemed harsh
but it was probably a valid question seeing as Kazutora had never actually responded to one of his
letters.

He made a small choking noise before answering. “I read them. I’ve saved them all, they’re… in
my drawer.” Finding words to say was harder than he imagined.

Chifuyu looked him up and down before deciding he was telling the truth. “Okay. I don’t really
care if you decide not to read them.” That wasn’t true. Kazutora could tell from looking at him
that he’d wanted him to have read them all. The expression Chifuyu made after softened only
slightly before his eyes hardened back to the unnerving look from before.

They spent the next minute in silence while Kazutora tried to find his words. It seemed Chifuyu
was waiting for him to ask something. “Can I ask you… why are you visiting me?” That was not
the question Chifuyu had wanted; it was clear.

He looked away from Kazutora to the wall. He thought maybe Chifuyu wouldn’t answer or that it
was a bad question to be asking him. Chifuyu had come all this way so really it was insensitive for
him to be so direct and rude… “Because Baji-san would have wanted it. Is that what you’re
thinking? My answer. Because of Baji-san?” He made eye contact once more with Kazutora and
shifted forward in his seat. “I send the letters for Baji-san. I came here for me because I hate you
Hanemiya-kun and no matter how much I try to forgive you because Baji-san would have wanted it
I can’t. So I came to see you and thought maybe seeing you in person would make me feel bad for
you and I could get rid of all those ugly feelings I have in my heart but all I can think is ‘good’.
It’s awful of me to think but I’m glad you look terrified of me.”

Every word Chifuyu spoke was with 100% honesty and conviction. Although Kazutora had spent
the last few hours before their meeting preparing for anything Chifuyu would say he hadn’t
prepared himself for this. Matsuno Chifuyu was not angry with Kazutora and had not come to hurt
him but to forgive him and upon seeing him he decided he hated him anyways. It was a truly
difficult emotion to process for Kazutora after hearing what was just said, the guilt.

He’d been at fault for most of Chifuyu’s feelings he felt, and yet he did nothing for them. He
received the letters but did not respond, he came to the visitation but could not bring himself to
speak. Chifuyu was talking at him but he could not find any words to say back, he was useless.

What Kazutora wanted to do was apologize but when he thought about it, apologies are a really
selfish thing. Asking someone for forgiveness or shifting a weight of guilt to the person that is in a
position to forgive and absolving guilt from yourself is selfish. So as much as he wished to say it,
he couldn’t. “The letters you sent… I appreciate them.” He felt as if he was some sort of kicked
puppy with the way was looking at Chifuyu. A really awful puppy who’d ruined his life and
deserved to be kicked a lot more, but still a kicked puppy.

“Okay. I didn’t remember all of what Baji-san used to write in them so I just did what made sense
to be writing to you about. I remember one of his letters was just telling you what he did. It was
 unorganized.” The last part of his sentence died down but Kazutora swore he could hear the
slightest bit of perkiness in his voice while he spoke about Baji. He knew Chifuyu loved Baji from
his letter but it was so obvious when it was in front of him that it made him want to disappear right
then and there.

If Chifuyu could talk about Baji then maybe Kazutora could say something about him, anything
about him instead of nothing like he had been doing the past year and a half. He hadn’t said Baji’s
name outloud since the trial. “Baji… he sent letters about his days and about you or whatever he
was thinking when he wrote them. He talked about you a lot.” Kazutora wasn’t sure why he’d
said what he did but he couldn’t come up with anything acceptable to say to Chifuyu to explain
how much of Baji’s letters were actually about him without being inconsiderate.

“Oh. I didn’t know.” If they hadn’t been where they were and Kazutora hadn’t been who he was
he imagined that maybe Chifuyu would have smiled when he said that if only a little bit. It would
have been a sad reminiscent smile but it would have still been a smile or something like one.

They didn’t speak much during their visit, in fact for the rest of the ten minutes Chifuyu was there
it was almost entirely silent except for the few times either of them would say something and have
it go unanswered by the other. When it was almost time for him to leave Kazutora couldn’t help
but feel unease by this being their last meeting. Would this really be the last time, with him saying
he hates me?

But this would not be their last meeting, it would be far from it, in fact. “Next month. Next month
I don’t have work on Monday. I’ll be visiting again Hanemiya-kun.” And with that the bell rang
and Chifuyu left while Kazutora was escorted back into his cell.

They would meet again and Chifuyu would look at him how he had with the same terrible
expression. He was not looking forward to it but he would think about it constantly awaiting the
date for the next month.

Chapter End Notes

I have a very specific way I want this to go and so this may be longer than I thought it
would. It'll eventually have fluff but for now just sad Kazutora angst. If you have any
thoughts I'd love to hear them :)
 Chapter 3
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

When the next month came time for visiting hours on the date Chifuyu had promised Kazutora
was never called out to be seen. He sat in his cell nervously awaiting to be summoned, sitting on
his bed with his back against the wall. Then ten minutes passed from when he was meant to be
summoned, then fifteen and as soon as it became a half hour Kazutora realized Chifuyu wasn’t
coming to see him. He should have been more glad than he was and he wouldn’t admit it to
himself but deep down Kazutora was disappointed and hurt that he didn’t follow through on his
promise. Chifuyu had even reminded him in his letter the week prior that he was coming to see
him in case he’d forgotten.

So instead he sat alone in his cell and waited for lunch since he wouldn’t be going to visiting that
day or probably any time after. Chifuyu didn’t really owe him any reason not to come see him and
he’d tried to reason with himself that he had no reason to feel poorly about any of it. He tried very
hard to push it from his mind even but the problem with having absolutely nothing but time to be
alone with your thoughts for days on end was it made it really easy to fall back on those thoughts
you didn’t want to think of. So instead he pondered on any possible reason Chifuyu might have
had for deciding he would cut contact with him.

Later many of his ideas that followed the ‘Chifuyu isn’t ever going to say anything to me again’
route were crushed when he received his weekly letter. It mentioned nothing about not seeing him
as it had been written the week prior but still it would have been odd for Chifuyu who seems to
think most things through in advance to have just up and not gone on a whim and decided not to
talk to him.

The letter followed his usual format of taking Kazutora through a memory of Baji and he. This
time it had been something sweet about Chifuyu being sick and how Baji had caught his cold from
trying to take care of him. He’d often wondered how Chifuyu felt when he wrote the letters to
him.

In fact his thoughts of Baji had continued but his dreams were more often than not flooded with
Chifuyu which now had a much clearer face since the visit. Dreams of Chifuyu weren’t always
nightmares but he’d had enough dreams of Chifuyu killing him before than he could count. Those
dreams had turned to a specific dream or more of a memory that replayed while he was asleep of
him telling Kazutora that he hated him and the dream would grow dark into him reminding him it
was his fault and he would cry and scream. At the end of the dream Chifuyu always disappeared
for some reason and he was alone.

He always woke up once he was alone. He’d assumed it was probably because he couldn’t really
imagine anything by himself or maybe his brain had hated him as well because that was the worst
part of the dream. It was a really disgusting thing he felt, not wanting to be alone. He was sure he
deserved to be alone but still he craved contact he couldn’t have. Kazutora had decided a while
ago that he didn’t enjoy sleeping because then it was impossible to filter any of his thoughts and
his mind ran free showing him any possible awful thing he’d buried in his mind. Kazutora did not
have dreams anymore, they were only nightmares since the first incident but it was okay because
he’d deserved it.

The letter the week after didn’t go over why Chifuyu hadn’t come to see him either. In fact he
never addressed it at all for several weeks Kazutora had waited for any slight mention and it didn’t
come. Each time he said nothing about it in the letters he had to remind himself that it was okay
that he didn’t, not to expect something. So he stopped expecting it and for two months he got
exactly what he expected, no mention of the aforementioned promise of visitation.

Then in September he got a letter from Chifuyu that was out of the normal for the letters that were
usually sent to him. This letter had absolutely nothing to do with Baji and he wasn’t sure what had
happened to make Chifuyu send what he did nor why it had happened when it did.

This was the 3rd letter Kazutora would remember in detail. He would not tell Chifuyu what it had
meant to him till years after he’d gotten out. He only read it once and kept the envelope to keep it
safe. He wished he would have smiled when he first read it.

September 16th, 2007

Hanemiya-kun,

Happy 17th Birthday Hanemiya-kun. I suppose there aren’t really any birthday celebrations
where you are so maybe I’ll be the only one to say this to you and I’m sure this won’t even get to
you by the time your birthday is over. Either way, happy birthday. I didn’t realize today was your
birthday until a few months ago when I received a box of Baji’s things. One of the pictures was
from one of your much earlier birthdays and so maybe today isn’t actually your birthday and I’ve
just assumed too much but I think I’m right.

I guess this won’t really mean much since you know I hate you and it’s not one of your other
friends sending this to you. So, Baji would have wanted you to at least smile today…

That being said, under this is a letter(?) with messages from some of Toman’s founding members to
you. They won’t expect you to respond so don’t force yourself unless you mean it but they all
wanted to write to you when I asked. Don’t think I threatened or even encouraged them to, I only
offered. If you don’t want to read them there’s no reason to since it’s not obligatory.

And Hanemiya-kun, I’ll see you this next week so don’t act so surprised this time and open your
letters when you get them.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

Kazutora.

I hadn’t realized Chifuyu was sending letters to you. I hope you have a good birthday or as good
as it can be. I wished we could have seen you to tell you in person. When you get out… we can
celebrate your birthday then. Happy Birthday.

-Mitsuya

Kazutora,

Sorry Mikey won’t write. He won’t write to anybody so don’t take it as an offense, you know he
forgave you. Be okay for us Kazutora. Happy Birthday, we all miss you. We’re waiting for your
return.

Be safe,

Draken

He stopped reading after Draken and couldn’t even force himself to continue if he’d really wanted
to. Being aware that they were thinking of him felt like entirely too much. What he’d focused on
the most during the letter was how Chifuyu had gone out of his way to tell him happy birthday.
He’d celebrated his birthday a few times before because of Baji and Mikey though it was always a
bit awkward since he’d never known how they should have been celebrated.

Matsuno Chifuyu hated Kazutora deeply, probably more than he’d ever hated anyone before but he
told him happy birthday. It was for Baji, he knew that already but he’d said it and it felt wrong. It
was out of place and he shouldn’t have said it. For the first time Kazutora had felt angry with
Chifuyu for sending him something because even though he’d wanted it and even though he
wanted to feel cared for or remembered or how ever you feel when someone swallows their pride
and helps you up from the ground, he couldn’t. He didn’t deserve it.

He shouldn’t have received that letter and even if it was for Baji, even then how could he accept
it. For the first time Kazutora realized why he’d been so timid to respond to Chifuyu, for all other
reasons he’d known before but for one new reason, Kazutora didn’t want to be helped. He’d felt
he was so deserving of the pain he was in that even being spoken to, he didn’t want it or rather he
couldn’t accept it because he did want it, he wanted it so much that it was painful. Kazutora was
so alone that even the small contact from Chifuyu was difficult.

When your hands are freezing cold and numb, thawing them out feels as if your hands are being set
on fire. If you heat them up too quickly you can burn yourself from the temperature change. Even
though leaving them cold and numb is the obvious worst option and can lead to permanent
damage, the initial scare of how it will feel when it heats up is almost worse than how it actually
feels. Kazutora is terrified to thaw out his hands after being left out in the cold for all these years.
Kazutora does not deserve kindness for any reason. So he will not respond.

…
Their second visitation felt different than the first as Kazutora had not prepared himself in the
slightest for the meeting. Where the first time he’d planned how he would respond over and over
he couldn’t the second time as he had figured out Chifuyu’s overly blunt responses to him were not
something he was used to. Even the use of his last name continues to be uncomfortable for him.
No one used his last name except for Chifuyu. ‘Hanemiya-kun’ had a bitter taste in his mouth
though he hadn’t actually asked Chifuyu to call him anything different.

They called him out and walked with him to the door just as they’d done before and Chifuyu sat in
the same back corner like he had months ago, eyeing the door. It was almost just as uncomfortable
as it had been last time to sit across from him. “Hanemiya-kun do you like Manga?”

Kazutora’s eyes shifted back and forth wondering what would have initiated the question he asked.
“I guess so… I don’t really read much.” Chifuyu thought about what he said and nodded. He
reached for something in his lap and handed it to Kazutora.

“You’re allowed to keep books here. Certain ones without violence, things that would be rated pg
or teen. They had to check it over before I could give it to you. You can have a few personal
belongings I believe…” Tentatively Kazutora turned the book over in his hand to look at the
cover. It was pink with flowers lining the edges and some female character in the middle that he
didn’t recognize.

He wasn’t sure what to say about it, mostly he wondered why Chifuyu had given it to him at all.
“Umm… thank you Matsuno-san.” He said it all too slowly and Chifuyu’s last name felt foreign
coming from his mouth, adding honorifics wasn’t something he was used to but warranted here.
Kazutora looked back at the book to read the small synopsis on the back. It seemed like it was a
romance manga of sorts. He wondered if this was the type of thing Chifuyu liked to read or if it
was just the only thing he could find that passed the guidelines. Maybe it was meant to tease him
since Chifuyu knew by now that he would read it even if he didn’t want to.

Chifuyu watched Kazutora as he looked through the manga he’d given him looking for any type of
ill response to it. “I’m sure it’s not what you would have chosen for yourself but if you like it I
could bring the second volume at a later date. It’s for our birthday… if you were wondering why I
gave it to you it’s because it’s for your birthday. It’s a gift.” It was almost as if Chifuyu hadn’t
wanted to give it to him but was made to. He seemed uncomfortable telling Kazutora why he’d
given him it.

The book would have actually been one of four birthday gifts Kazutora had even gotten. One was
from Mitsuya, it had been a jacket with his tattoo design on the back. The second was from Mikey,
a rather useless bunch of tools for fixing his bike. They weren’t supposed to be useless but
Kazutora couldn’t ever really use them. The last had been from Baji on his 15th birthday, a rather
girly looking green and yellow bracelet with a charm in the middle. The charm was a ‘B’ for Baji,
he’d given him the wrong one since they had matching ones that were supposed to have their own
initials on their bracelet. Baji had accidentally switched them when he gave it to Kazutora and
tried to take it back to give him the right one but he thought it was funny that Baji had messed up
so they kept the bracelets with each other’s last initial on it. Chifuyu’s gift was the fourth.

Kazutora grasped at it tightly. It probably wasn’t meant to make him feel anything but it showed
Chifuyu had thought of him whether those thoughts were good or bad he’d thought of him. That
was enough. “I’ll like it. I didn’t know you could give things here.” That was either because he
hadn’t paid attention or really spoken to any of his fellow inmates or because there weren’t many
people in his block that received anything.

“You can. Mitsuya said you wouldn’t like it but it’s not like there’s a lot of other stuff I can give
you… They want to send you letters sometime though I don’t think they think you’d want it. You
can tell me now or the next time I see you if you don’t want anything from them.” That was
probably something Chifuyu had been sent to tell him. The first thing he said made Kazutora if the
rest of them spoke about him or if they knew about what was in the letters and many other
questions he couldn’t bring himself to ask.

What he did ask was, “You’re coming to see me again?” He sounded more worried about it than
he meant to. It should have sounded eager but he spoke rather panicked, making Chifuyu’s face
contort into a frown.

Kazutora wanted to correct his voice and reassure he hadn’t meant it that way but Chifuyu spoke
too quickly for him. “Yeah, well unlike them I’m not really giving you a choice on whether you
receive things from or see me. I’m not really asking anything of you either Hanemiya-kun but you
make it really hard to see anything good about you with how little you talk.” He was right,
Chifuyu was trying quite hard at his forgiveness, more so than he should in Kazutora’s opinion and
he wasn’t helping him. Not that Kazutora wanted to help Chifuyu forgive him but seeing him
made him think differently.

Somehow seeing Chifuyu’s disappointed face made him rethink why he hadn’t been responding.
All for purely selfish reasons. They were both doing it for selfish reasons but if Kazutora could do
something for Chifuyu… shouldn’t he? “I like romance.” It came out quietly and Chifuyu opened
his mouth and closed it again, not having any words for Kazutora’s non sequitur statement. “The
book… manga you gave me. It’s a romance, I’ll like it. I like romance stuff.”

He’d been trying to tell Chifuyu something about himself like Chifuyu had done for him even if it
came out awkwardly. He didn’t know much about Chifuyu outside of the stories revolving around
Baji but he definitely knew more about Chifuyu because of it. He didn’t know much of anything
that wasn’t from someone else’s mouth or words about Kazutora. The few instances in which
Chifuyu had been able to make up his own mind about Kazutora he had made one of the worst
impressions you could have on someone. So he’d do what Chifuyu said and tell him something
good.

Chifuyu was searching his eyes for what he said to make more sense and landed on an expression
of pity. “I guess you’re not good at this. I’ll take it… romance. Okay.”

Their time together was always short, visits weren’t allowed to be long but for the first time in two
years Kazutora didn’t feel ill at the thought of speaking to someone. Only if it was just for a
moment and he caved back into his shell of wanting to avoid everybody and not respond it was a
nice feeling that he would have liked to have held onto.

More than a month passed and Kazutora hadn’t given an answer on whether or not the others
(Draken and Mitsuya) could send him letters like Chifuyu had. Chifuyu promised they would be
less frequent as they would only be doing it when they wanted to and that he wouldn’t have to
respond just as he didn’t to Chifuyu. He still didn’t decide when Chifuyu came to see him that
month either and he stopped bringing up assuming Kazutora would have already told him yes if it
was okay.

When Chifuyu sent his letter at the end of October he ended it differently than how it usually
went. There was an open ended question that would have warranted a response if Kazutora had
replied to any letters before. It was most likely meant to be replied to when Chifuyu visited him
next. Something for him to remember to reply to so Chifuyu wouldn’t have to spend all month
keeping it in his head.

Neither of them remembered what was said in this letter. They only remembered Kazutora’s reply
as it was the first time Kazutora had ever replied to a letter. Chifuyu keeps it in a shoe box under
their bed, Kazutora still complains about his own poor writing in it.

October 20th, 2007

Hanemiya Kazutora,

I was going through the box Baji-san's mother gave me last month and I found a few CDs he must
have burned. They had the worst pictures on the cover of them with different playlists. I assume
she must have kept some of them because he’d definitely done more of them than just three. Still
the ones she gave me I found odd.

The first was some rock playlist that definitely fit in line with what I knew he listened to.
Something cool, not really trendy but not unpopular but obviously something he would have liked.

The second was all this classical music which I thought she must have put in there by mistake or
given me the wrong CD but the cover with the playlist matched what was playing. When I showed
it to Mitsuya he spent far too long laughing before telling me that it was Mikey’s idea. They
thought it would have helped him study. I don’t think he ever used it since it looked new.

The third wasn’t his at all, it was something Mikey had made for him. I don’t think he fully
understood how to burn CDs however since there were long pauses in between the songs. Mikey
and Baji-san had very similar tastes in music it seems.

Baji-san was always a bit into music, he thought Bass was really cool and had wanted to pick it up
at some point. He thought his mother would have been disappointed in his choice of musical
instrument though. I agree, she wouldn’t have liked it. He brought me CDs a couple of times when
I talked to him about it.

Anytime I asked him about something like that he was so ready to show off what he liked. I think he
found other people he cared about more important than he liked to say or knew how to express. I
liked when he did it though.

Hanemiya-kun, I know you said you enjoyed romance a while ago, I have something else that was
approved that I can bring in next time. If you would like to read it?

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

He had never been particularly big on talking to the guards but without even thinking through what
 he was doing he called one over asking how sending letters worked. Kazutora spent all day being
anxious and waiting to be approved to go to the library during the break they had.

People with good behavior often had more choices and things available to them. Kazutora had
been on that list for quite some time but never had any reason to cash in on any of them. He spent
most of his breaks alone doing nothing in particular, working out if he felt like it. He enjoyed
being outside when it was allowed to be in the courtyard. There wasn’t much available there but
he did feel less like an animal being caged in when he got to be in the sun.

Today he would change his habit and write a letter. The people had to watch him while he did it
even though the pens were chained to the desk and he couldn’t really do anything with it if he
wanted to. Still they looked at him from afar.

Since Chifuyu had already been approved to send letters he didn’t need to go through the process
and could send something back right away. His hand was shaky when he wrote and the lighting of
the room didn’t help to make any of it look better. After not having written anything in two years
he was sure his handwriting looked terrible. Still, how hard could it be? Writing was like riding a
bike, it’s hard to forget.

October 26th, 2007

Matsuno Chifuyu,

Hello. About the manga, you can bring it. I finished the other one already. Am I supposed to give
it back? You can tell Draken and Mitsuya yes. They can send stuff if they want.

Sorry if you can’t actually read any of this.

-Kazutora

He was sure it was the worst letter to have ever been written or sent or probably to have been read.
Though he didn’t really think through any of it, he’d just wanted to say something back and when
he sat down to write it he realized how little he had to say or knew to say back. He spent the next
week wishing he could have taken that letter back or not responded or done anything to make it
disappear and have Chifuyu not read it.

Chifuyu did read it, and it wasn’t as illegible as Kazutora thought it was.

Chapter End Notes

I will make their relationship blossom and it will take way longer than I thought. I like
the thought of Kazutora scrambling to write the letter, amusing, sad and kind of cute.
If you have thoughts or questions I'd love to see :)

(I updated this way faster than I thought but I go back to university tomorrow so I was
grinding out this chapter in a fit of inspiration)
 Chapter 4
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

They say it’s very easy to fall in like with someone the more contact you have with them. Not in a
romantic sense, in fact Kazutora is sure love would have always been a difficult process for him
even if his life had gone differently and he spent his youth in school instead. They say falling for
someone is easier once you think about them often and that once you realize that it has happened
it’s already too late.

The opposite of love is not indifference and the opposite of like is not that either. The opposite of
love is hate and the opposite of like is dislike. Kazutora thought that being disliked by someone
you cared about was probably one of the worst things life had to offer but he was wrong. Being
hated or disliked meant the person still had feelings for him. Being indifferent toward someone
who likes or loves you, that is the worst thing you can do to someone. To simply not think of them
at all.

For whatever reason that meant to Kazutora that the anger people held towards him was still a
feeling for him. That the hateful thoughts about him were still thoughts and that even though
Matsuno Chifuyu despised him so earnestly he did not feel indifferent toward Kazutora. He did not
want to see him or think of him fondly and the letters he sent were not meant to give him any sense
of relief nor joy and that was all perfectly okay. He convinced himself that it was okay.

Hanemiya Kazutora wants more than anything to be cared about by someone else, anyone else but
he will settle for anything that is not indifference. He does not put himself out to be looked at in a
great light, in fact he rarely puts himself out for others to want to see him at all. Waiting, for
Kazutora should be seen as a form or torture.

Since the letter process was so drawn-out, Kazutora spent the next two weeks anxious over
Chifuyu’s response. He felt stupid for being nervous about it at all since all he’d done was answer
a question. In retrospect of all the things he’d done sending a letter isn’t that big of a deal but what
else did he have to worry about?

Kazutora would wait during those two weeks without receiving a letter from Chifuyu even once,
though he understood perfectly well why he hadn’t received anything. Chifuyu’s letter back to him
that acknowledged what he had sent was resoundingly not worth being nervous over. He did get
made fun of, or at least he thought he was being made fun of for his penmanship at the end of the
letter but other than that it was simply acknowledged and he moved on.

Draken and Mitsuya would go on to each send him a letter within the month. Draken’s had been
resoundingly short and mostly to update him on what had happened outside and ask if he’d ever be
okay receiving a visit from him. Mitsuya’s was far too lengthy on the other hand, he had very
pretty lettered handwriting that also made what he’d written entirely too hard to read. He was sure
it had to do with the gang, he’d forgotten most of it as soon as he’d finished reading the words.

As much as he had been nervous to receive letters from both Draken and Mitsuya their responses
were always more predictable than Chifuyu’s were. Whatever they had been thinking while
writing their letters was clearly printed on the page. They were both the kind of people you could
take at face value for whatever they said and believe it wholeheartedly. The same could be said
for when they wrote, it was all stream of consciousness and not thought through besides for the
basic points they’d wanted to say fitting in along the way.
When Chifuyu wrote it was as if the entire thing was saying something he’d have to read into to
understand. Except Kazutora didn’t know Chifuyu, he saw him the way most people would have
seen Kazutora, a wild card. Though, for Kazutora that may not have been as true as he once
thought. Everything he did made perfect sense for one reason or another, if you were to guess his
actions it would have been easy once you knew him. Except no one knew Kazutora and Kazutora
didn’t know Chifuyu, so maybe it was all unexplainable and trying to figure it out or worry over it
was pointless.

Kazutora worried about it, in fact more so than he thought possible. It wasn’t as if he didn’t notice
that it was happening over the past year or that he was unaware of how much Chifuyu had
captivated his thoughts that were previously only filled with Baji. It was impossible not to notice
the overwhelming guilt he’d brought into his life when he’d cried about and done everything
humanly possible not to think about it. There just happens to be an oh moment for a lot of things,
an “oh I like this person”, an “oh I have an exam tomorrow” something you already knew but
hadn’t put into a complete thought of realization that it was real. For Kazutora, Matsuno Chfuyu
wasn’t real until December 25th, 2007.

Over a week before had been Chifuyu’s birthday. It was an off-handed comment in one of his
letters that his birthday was coming up so instead of doing what anyone else might have in talking
to the person who’s love of their life you killed and asking them “hey when’s your birthday?”
Kazutora asked Draken. It was the 16th.

Kazutora was fine sending letters to Mitsuya and Draken but so far he had only sent one letter to
Chifuyu. One very short, terribly written, never to be looked letter that should be burned if at all
possible. One letter that Chifuyu had yet to make good on as he had not had a visit from Chifuyu
since September and now nearing the end of December he had the same doubt as before of not
seeing him any longer.

Everytime Kazutora doubted Chifuyu it seemed he would unknowingly do something to restore

faith in whatever continuous thing Chifuyu was doing for him. He hesitated to call it a relationship
because really it didn’t make sense to categorize it that way as to Kazutora it was “too familiar”
and Chifuyu most likely felt the exact same way. He was only the recipient of Chifuyu’s promise
to Baji, and all of his ugly feelings, so the hesitation stayed.

Kazutora tried for a very long time to forget this letter. It took him six years, he could not tell you
what this letter was about if he wanted to. Chifuyu forgot this letter the moment he put his pen
down and sealed the envelope.

December 18th, 2007

Hanemiya Kazutora,

The last Christmas I’d celebrated was in 2004 with Baji-san. Rather, it’s the last Christmas I did
something that was like a celebration. The others celebrate with their families or not at all, I’m not
sure I could count any of what they do as celebrating.

The beginning of December that year Baji-san was told by his mother to invite my mother and I to
Christmas dinner. Earlier that year I’d told him that my mother and I celebrate alone and for
whatever reason he took that as a sad thing as if we weren’t celebrating enough because it was
only the two of us. Looking back it was even more amusing that he did that seeing as Baji-san and
his mother were also alone on Christmas and he didn’t seem to find that sad.

My mother found Baji-san charming, she called him “a young gentleman” quite a lot. I think that
her constant flattery of him added to why he always preferred to hangout at my apartment rather
than his. Most people probably wouldn’t call Baji-san a gentleman but he was really sweet to my
mother.

Baji-san’s mother took every opportunity to thank me for helping him in class, on the other hand.
She was never quite sure why I had helped him but continually made him give me baked goods as a
token of her appreciation. I think Baji-san found it embarrassing but less so when I shared them
with him. She is quite the wonderful cook.

We spent Christmas day with the two of them. I’m sure it should have been more awkward than it
was. I actually enjoyed having both of them there more than I knew at the time, and not that I told
him at the time but it was better having more than just my mother and I together on Christmas. So
maybe that was my favorite Christmas I’ve ever had.

Usually Christmas time had reminded me of my birthday because they were both so close in dates.
Since then it reminds me of Baji-san and his mother. I’ve decided to visit his mother this year,
she’s been spending it alone these last two years. My mother got her to go somewhere with her
last year but my mother won’t be in town this year.

She visits me a lot, Baji-san’s mother. I couldn’t really bring myself to see her for quite a while
after his death, I thought she would hate me for not doing something. I still think part of her hates
me for not doing more but she puts all her energy that would have been for Baji-san toward me.
So, I have baked goods from her every once in a while and she invites me over for tea or different
things.

She hasn’t taken down much of anything in his room. I think she’s scared to do it, it doesn’t really
make me want to go over there and be reminded so forcefully of him. Occasionally she finds things
that I’d given him or notes I’d written for him and she piles them up to give me for the next time I
visit. As much as I think she doesn’t want them and knows they’d be more meaningful for me I
don’t think I want them. I can’t really look at any of them, it kind of makes me feel a bit awful but I
don’t think I can say that to her.

It’s only been two years but more and more people seem to bring him up less so his mother is some
kind of living embodiment of letting me know he lived. So, I’m going to see her on Christmas. I
can’t really put into words why I’m telling you this, I think I’m convincing myself to go and see
her.

What I wanted to say was that I’m going to visit you that evening, you have visiting hours then. I
don’t know if they ever tell you the schedule of visiting hours but the guards have one that they
gave me the last time I was there. That was all, sorry this was much more rambling than I meant it
to be. I was just collecting my thoughts during it.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

Many times when reading Chifuyu’s letters Kazutora would forget exactly how old he was. He
spoke the way an adult reminiscing on their past would, or someone giving advice to someone
much younger than them would. Then, every so often during a letter he would remember that
Chifuyu had only just turned fifteen, that he himself was seventeen and that they weren’t adults at
all.

Kazutora would not be able to take his mind away from picturing Baji’s mother speaking to
Chifuyu for a very long time. In fact that letter made it more difficult than ever for him to take his
mind away from Chifuyu. As much as everyone else had been dealing with Baji’s death, Chifuyu
had the living embodiment of him three floors up from him ready to remind him of Baji at any
moment of the day. It was no wonder he hadn’t been able to forget him.

Christmas came sooner than he thought. He wondered why they put visiting so late in the day as
they were usually right before lunch or right after they'd gotten up. Christmas day felt very hazy to
him just going through the motions, out of it the entire day. It wasn’t until he was looking at
Chifuyu from across the room that he was snapped back into reality.

Chifuyu would have looked pretty in his white sweater and ruffled hair if he had not been sitting
where he was in the same back corner of the visiting room or looked as exhausted as he did. It was
clear the closer he got that whatever had happened earlier in the day with Baji’s mother had been
draining for him. He had his face cupped between his cheeks while his elbows rested on the table
looking defeated and worn out as he stared at the wall in front him.

When Kazutora sat down, Chifuyu didn’t look up at him for several minutes. Although they had a
limited thirty minute time limit, it had been extended for the holiday but still a short time
considering. He was almost nervous to say anything to him to break the silence between them
because truly Chifuyu looked terribly tired.

The moment their eyes met it was clear that Chifuyu didn’t even know he’d sat down in front of
him. He jumped at the sight of his newly observed surroundings and how Kazutora was to him.
“God, you didn’t say anything. You just sat there like some kind of ghost. How long did I space
out for?” Chifuyu was quick to straighten up and change to an expression that you’d call
presentable. His eyes stayed tired and lifeless, he couldn’t fake all of it after all, Kazutora knew
that better than anyone.

Kazutora couldn’t help but fiddle with his hands under the table, Chifuyu always put him on edge.
“Only a few minutes, sorry.” Apologizing to Chifuyu became a habit. He apologized for
everything but the actual incident, anything else he could have possibly done wrong during the
visits he’d apologize for.

“It’s fine. Merry Christmas Hanemiya. Oh! I have something for you, god I almost forgot I had
it.” Instead of focusing on Chifuyu reaching for what he’d brought for Kazutora or even that he’d
brought something at all he noticed the mistake he’d just let slip within his words. He’d dropped
honorifics for the first time.

Still, Chifuyu had used his last name like he’d done every time before but the sudden change
without honorifics was hard to go unnoticed. He sat there with his eyes wide at the other who was
now sliding his gift across the table to him. “You said my last name.” Maybe it wasn’t a mistake,
maybe he’d meant to do it.
They stared blankly at each other as Chifuyu put together what Kazutora had meant. It was a
mistake. “Oh. Sorry.” It was definitely a mistake. He had hoped it wasn’t, that Chifuyu had
meant to call him Hanemiya but if it was a mistake he’d ignore it.

“I don’t mind.” Kazutora couldn’t take his eyes away from Chifuyu. He avoided eye contact with
Kazutora, cheeks puffing at his mistake as he forced the gift into Kazutora’s hand.

He finally took hold of what Chifuyu was trying to give him and looked it over. “That’s the second
volume of the manga I gave you last time. I would have given it to you earlier but they didn’t have
them in stock before November. I didn’t really want to give you my copy since I obviously like it
but still that’s for you. I don’t actually know if you like it either but you said you wanted it so I
just assumed. Anyways, that's for you.” Chifuyu had a habit of rambling when he gave gifts to
Kazutora. It had only happened twice but it was kind of endearing that he seemed so awkward at
giving things to him.

Still, he couldn’t understand why Chifuyu was doing it. However he had to decided to heal didn’t
make sense to Kazutora. His kindness didn’t make sense to him either. He wondered what
everyone else thought of what Chifuyu was doing. “Thank you… I did like it. The first one, I read
it quite a few times. I meant it before, I do like romance. The backgrounds are really pretty as
well or… yeah.” As soon as he realized he was saying more than usual he stopped himself.

Chifuyu watched him intently when he spoke about the book trying to figure out if he meant what
he said. When he decided Kazutora was telling the truth he seemed to lighten up if only just a
little. “Yeah, well the mangaka has a great style. I think it’s quite obvious she wants to do more
visual storytelling than actual writing. I don’t know if you’re into that, watching expressions and
backgrounds over listening to words. Mm, this one is different though it follows the other
protagonist.”

Suddenly he got what Chifuyu was trying to do with the books. Kazutora and he really had
absolutely nothing to talk about and it wasn’t as if Kazutora had moved to be an active part of the
conversation. Chifuyu had said before that he wanted to see the good in Kazutora, to see what Baji
saw before. If Kazutora wasn’t going to take any steps then it seemed like Chifuyu would make
him.

He wasn’t good at taking any steps, he actively tried not to take steps but if it was offered… if it
was easy then there was no reason to back down. “Admittedly I liked the other protagonist so I
think I’d like to see their point of view instead. Do you know a lot about the story?” It shouldn’t
have been so difficult to ask such a simple question or start such an easy conversation but he was
forcing himself through his nerves every step of the way tiptoeing around Chifuyu and he’s
relationship. It wasn’t as if it could get more broken than it was.

“Seriously? I guess that would be your taste. They’re much more calm, is that an opposites attract
kind of thing you have going on?” For the first time Chifuyu was laughing at him, it was short
lived but bright and full of something Kazutora wanted. He should do that again. “Yeah, I guess I
know a lot about it. I have all of the volumes at my house but it’s a short series so there’s only five
of them, so that’s less impressive.” He wasn’t smiling anymore but the air was lighter than it had
been, it was as if Chifuyu was trying to put behind him what happened earlier in the day and didn’t
have the time to hate Kazutora as much as he usually would.

If they could just keep talking, if Chifuyu could just keep looking at him like he wasn’t a monster
then maybe it’d be okay. But by the end of the half hour Chifuyu’s eyes had hardened and
Kazutora was nervous to speak again. Though, for the first time he had wanted his conversation
with Chifuyu to continue so he promised to write to him about it. He wasn’t sure if he would
 regret saying that later or if Chifuyu would even want him to do that but he put himself out there
and he was right, it was just as terrifying as he imagined it would be.

That night Kazutora thought about what had happened that day and he’d felt guilty for wanting to
do something more with Chifuyu. He felt guilty for wanting to hear his laugh or see his eyes
soften. He knew that Chifuyu was not his to escape to.

Wants and desires are purely human, no one can help to have them and they’re harder to ignore
once you admit to yourself. Kazutora wanted Chifuyu to like him, and that was a really disgusting
want that made him feel worse and worse the more he thought about it. It’s difficult to want things
you cannot have, people want for all kinds of reasons whether they are selfish reasons or for
someone else’s benefit they are still wants. Kazutora wanted to bury his desires where he wouldn’t
think about them again because all of his desires came with overwhelming guilt. So, he cried.

He spent the night huddled in the corner of his cold bed in his bare cell reading over Chifuyu’s
letters letting the realization of his desire sink in. He dug his nails into his hands till they bled and
hugged his knees to his chest till he cut the circulation off and felt numb in his feet. Kazutora cried
silently and wide eyed till his eyes hurt from exhaustion and his breathing was heavy and shallow.
When he finally fell asleep he dreamt of a different dream and just as he was in life his dreams
mirrored, Kazutora was alone and that was the worst thing about realizing what he wanted. He
was scared for it all to be gone.

Chapter End Notes

I didn't mean to write this much this morning but they were stuck in my head. I keep
telling myself I'll write fluff. I made a timeline for this after confusing myself on dates
this chapter. So it all lines up.

I haven't decided it I want to do larger skips (ie. 5 months occasionally) between

months later on because it's like 10 years and we're on years 2 of imprisonment... tell
me your thoughts on that.

Thank you for reading~ :)

 Chapter 5
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

The issue Kazutora found when writing letters to Chifuyu was that every single time he put the pen
down on his paper he could not form a coherent thought to save his life. It was becoming a
problem because out of the twelve pages of paper he’d written on he could only send two of them
out and the other ten pages were shamefully handed back to the guard at the desk of the “letter
room”. He called it the “letter room” because he’d heard it called that by one of the guards even
though it was really C4 but that has an atrocious ring to it that reminded him where he was so it
was the “letter room”.

When he was writing he wondered whether or not Chifuyu made rough drafts of his letters before
he sent them out and settled on most likely not. There was no way Chifuyu wrote what he needed
to say more than once and he probably didn’t remember most of the letters he’d written for
Kazutora at this point. He had to stop himself from saying it was only himself who was dwelling
on the letters. He really did think of himself too much, he realized, not that he knew exactly how
to change that or what kind of steps he should take to break that habit.

In the event that he was not thinking of things that involved himself he was thinking of things that
involved Chifuyu. Before his never ending cycle of thoughts about Baji were fueled by his
involvement with Baji which made it again, about himself. Now he had slowly broken away, if
only a little, from thoughts involving himself and added on the thought of Chifuyu. The letters
he’d been receiving made him think more and more of what Chifuyu was doing or thinking, on the
very rare occasion that his letters had to do with something recent he would imagine what he was
feeling more clearly.

There was a cycle of guilt that replayed in his mind when he would feel himself start to enjoy the
letters Chifuyu sent him. It was always quick to remind him who he was before he got too
enraptured in the words that were being sent to him. He was terrified of feeling comfortable with
him or his letters or with anything he did. Over a month ago he’d admitted to himself something
that now he was pushing to forget and move on from. It was a suppressed thought that he could
not move away from even if he tried, it lay dormant in his mind as he fought with himself to help
Chifuyu heal.

He was the furthest thing from being comfortable in their relationship when he thought about it,
more often than not he was scared. Kazutora was scared that one day Chifuyu would look back at
this all and realize that it had not helped and that he would regret it. More than that he was
nervous that he was not helping him heal at all because how Chifuyu had wanted to heal was not
something he was good at giving or knew how to give correctly. I could get rid of all those ugly
feelings I have in my heart. That was right, Chifuyu had come to see Kazutora to fix something
about himself, to stop hurting. It was selfish that he hadn’t been letting him do that, that he hadn’t
been responding but now that he was he couldn’t say whether or not it was helping.

The tricky thing with healing is that there are some things that time and effort cannot fix. No
matter how hard you try there are some things that stay painful and some scars that do not fade.
Kazutora knew that better than many people. Things in your past stay there and no matter how
hard you try the way you felt in that moment, if it was important enough is a very visceral and
recurring feeling that you cannot forget. But who was he to tell someone else to give up on their
own healing.
Chifuyu’s letters were different once Kazutora started to respond, he would talk with Kazutora
about whatever the topic was. The topic over the last four and only back and forth letters they had
had were about the manga series Chifuyu had given him the first two volumes of. He’d read it
enough to be able to talk about it on end with him even though there were three other volumes he
had not read.

As it turned out Chifuyu was surprisingly more into manga than he thought. He talked about a few
of the other series he’d liked before when Kazutora asked him. Though there was actually no point
in Kazutora ever wanting to read them at this point as Chifuyu had spoiled them all. Not
intentionally, more in an over explaining the plot he knows all the good parts of it and how it ends
kind of way. He wasn’t really planning on reading them all once he got out but still found it all to
be kind of charming. He didn’t think he liked having people get excited about things, in fact
before he’d found it to be annoying but now it was maybe something he liked.

Many times when Chifuyu would do something Kazutora thought was charming or sweet or for
whatever reason enjoyed, he found his inner monologue repeating “do it again.” Though, since he
wasn’t actually seeing Chifuyu he’d just reread the letter several more times only slightly
disappointed that knowing what he was going to say didn’t give him the initial feeling in his
stomach when he read it.

He found that Chifuyu and his tastes in characters differed drastically. Kazutora tended to the
straight laced, well mannered protagonist with the threatening undertone to them which Chifuyu
liked the exact opposite. The other protagonist had wild hair, and a loud personality to match, their
soft side to the other protagonist is what seemed to have charmed Chifuyu. Both of them fully
missing the irony of their choices couldn’t see what the other liked in their chosen protagonist but
agreed on liking their romance.

Chifuyu was not a romance person or someone that tended to that genre often being into more
thriller and dystopian manga but admitted that his favorite mangaka wrote romance. He didn’t
learn too much about Chifuyu from their conversations on the series but he learned enough to hurt
himself with it. It was almost as if every new fact about him was a painful thing to learn that
reminded him of what he’d lost.

They were supposed to be friends. If he had done what Baji wanted originally when he was still
with them and befriended Chifuyu maybe they would have ended differently. Maybe in that
timeline Chifuyu and he would have spent nights going over romance manga and he would have
laughed like he did during Christmas. He would have been able to see him smile the way he
described in his stories about Baji and get excited the way he knew Baji loved to see. Kazutora
would know what types of food he preferred and his favorite color and if he was a morning person
or an evening person. He would tell him secrets and they would go out together like people who
enjoy each other’s company do. They would do all that if Kazutora had just done things differently
only a few years ago.

He was aware that he was the only one reminiscing on the potential friendship lost between them.
That he alone would think about it and that maybe if it ever crossed Chifuyu’s mind he was glad
they had never become friends. Still if the relationship could never be mended they still had
nowhere to put their feelings. Chifuyu had barely given any of his pent up hatred to Kazutora and
whether or not he deserved that kindness wasn’t up to him. Kazutora hadn’t given any of his
emotions to anyone, he’d kept them all inside letting them rot away in his heart. Neither of them
knew if it was healthy what they were doing, they were just children doing what they believed was
best.

While sitting in the poorly lit letter room Kazutora wrote his heart into the now weekly (as of the
five times he’d done it) letter to Chifuyu. None of it was particularly deep, in fact it was all
incredibly shallow but he was only trying his best to not make Chifuyu overwhelmed or hate him
anymore than he already did. To him his penmanship had improved from the first time, it was now
less embarrassing to send them and he had only wasted three pages this time. Kazutora’s hands still
shook as he wrote and tried to calm himself down and know it didn’t have to look as neat as
Chifuyu’s letters did.

The last letter he’d received from Chifuyu asked him something about relationship dynamics he
tended toward and enjoyed when he read, watched, and consumed romance media. That was all
they really talked about after all. He hadn’t really talked about any of that with anyone before and
so in his mind it was still an embarrassing thing to do but Chifuyu never seemed embarrassed to
him. He wrote as if it was natural to speak about and Kazutora could never quite understand why
that was. It was the confidence he held that seemed to make Kazutora find it okay to continue with
the conversation.

January 29th, 2008

Matsuno Chifuyu,

For the continuation of the conversation on romance in manga (?)

I cannot bring myself to read anything in romance with extreme conflict between the two
characters. I’m writing that and it sounds stupid but I just don’t want to watch them be in pain I
guess. It does sound stupid, regardless I think I prefer when they don’t do things like that. Some
conflict seems fine, I think it’s unavoidable and maybe it’d be much more boring if there wasn’t
any tension between them. ...Does that make sense?

In the ones you gave me the two characters started off with tension and worked to resolve it,
something like that is probably interesting to me. There wasn’t a moment where either of them
were giving up on the other, so I like things like that. The (unconditional) love they had I liked.

Earlier you said that the two characters were soulmates and I don’t think I agree with that. Maybe
it’s because I don’t believe in that in real life or because it was obvious that the best friend of the
one you like was in love with them but I don’t think they were supposed to be anything. They just
worked hard at their relationship or something. Not that your opinion was wrong though. That’s
not what I meant.

Did you notice the colors from the first volume to the second fade to dark with the backgrounds?

-Kazutora

Everytime Kazutora wrote he couldn’t help from second guessing himself in his words or wanting
to clarify every little thing he said. It wasn’t as if their conversation was meaningful or Chifuyu
would have any reason to be upset by Kazutora not agreeing with every little thing he said. Still
every single letter he sent was riddled with anxiety. He didn't mean to write down all he was
thinking but somehow saying it on paper was easier than saying anything outloud to Chifuyu.

Many times when writing Kazutora would cross things out poorly or leave a space till he found the
right word he wanted to use and fill it in later. He found it embarrassing to continually give back
pages to be thrown away by the guard at the desk so whichever copy had the least mistakes he
would decide looked good enough and give to be sent to Chifuyu in hopes he could read and make
sense of it.

The continuation of their back and forth letters built up a kind of unimaginable tension in
Kazutora’s mind. For some reason the more he wrote to Chifuyu the further he felt from him.
Every superficial conversation built an imaginary wall of acceptable topics between them straying
them from their original topic.

They had dulled their topic of romance novels and manga on the eighth letter when Chifuyu broke
the unspoken rule and ventured out into another topic. Kazutora was the only one building walls it
felt like. Chifuyu only ever said exactly what he wanted to and Kazutora could never say what he
meant.

He saw Chifuyu for the fourth time in March 2008. It was the first time he had gotten visited by
Kazutora with no warning beforehand, nothing in his letter to let him know he was coming. When
he got called out Kazutora had immediately assumed he was in trouble till he was brought to the
familiar entrance of the visitation room.

He looked to the door and back at the guard, “Sorry, who am I visiting?” There was visible
confusion painted on Kazutora’s face.

“Matsuno.” He wondered why it was that Chifuyu hadn’t let him know he was coming unless this
was just a spur of the moment thing he’d decided to do. He didn’t take Chifuyu for the kind of
person to be unpredictable in his visits.

It seemed most of the time, three out of the four visits, Chifuyu looked completely exhausted when
visiting Kazutora. It almost made him want to ask him about it… almost. The way his eyes got
progressively more sad as their visits continued and he let his roots grow out, he felt he’d been
watching Chifuyu fall more into his own depression. He had nothing to do but watch.

Everytime they sat across from each other Kazutora’s hands returned to the hem of his shirt and his
eyes forced contact with Chifuyu. He made an effort not to swing his feet and wait for Chifuyu to
speak first. “I’ll admit I’m surprised you actually wrote me back. You didn’t seem the type to
write long letters. I thought you just wouldn’t respond, it caught me off guard.”

With Chifuyu it was difficult for either of them to pretend, to act. Everything they said was raw
and unfiltered, Chifuyu wasn’t trying to make Kazutora like him and Kazutora couldn’t seem to
hide how nervous Chifuyu made him. It was unlike any other relationship either of them had had.
“I didn’t think I would either.” He could barely comprehend that he did it at all.

Before he’d had thoughts about Chifuyu most likely not remembering all the letters he sent
Kazutora but after only eight of his own letters he realized he couldn’t recall what he’d said either.
It made him wonder how Chifuyu hadn’t repeated any topics throughout the letters he’d sent
Kazutora. He was sure he’d written like a broken record and repeated the same thing enough ways
that Chifuyu would have gotten bored.

When they sat across from each other Kazutora felt he could feel Chifuyu analyzing him over and
over again. Within their short visits Kazutora felt he could picture Chifuyu perfectly in his mind.
They’d only met for less than two hours after Chifuyu had sent him letters for over a year. If he
closed his eyes right now he thought he could still see Chifuyu in his mind sitting in front of him.
Both of them had spent most of their meetings looking at each other with not much to say.

“Hanemiya, why do you respond even though you know I hate you and talk to you for purely
selfish reasons? I think if I was you I wouldn’t respond.” Kazutora winced at the words, he’d only
heard Chifuyu tell him he hated him once and it felt just like it had the first time.

Part of him wanted to tell Chifuyu why he responded to him, part of him wanted to get shut down
when he told him and memorize the disgusted face he would made and file it away for his own
nightmares to torture him with later. Part of him did want that but the selfish part just like Chifuyu
couldn’t let go so quickly or rather couldn’t bear to do it while they were looking at each other. “I
don’t know. I think maybe it’s good for me too. I don’t really mind if you’re using me Matsuno-
san, that doesn’t matter to me.” It wasn’t a lie, not completely.

Letting Chifuyu use him for his own healing didn’t matter to him, that was true, he wanted to let
him. It in some ways absolved parts of his guilt by feeling helpful to him or like he was doing
something for him. Anything for him to stop looking at Kazutora with his hollowed eyes and
hated glare, anything for that to stop.

Chifuyu didn’t believe what he said, not completely anyway. He pursed his lips, he looked
disappointed that Kazutora hadn’t told him exactly what he wanted to hear. If anything he thought
maybe part of Chifuyu already knew why Kazutora had responded and just decided not to believe
it till he told him himself. “Fine, you can just tell me the rest later than. You know, you disagreed
with me a lot more than I thought you would. For some reason I thought you’d let me push your
opinions around more, you’re pretty set on what you like.”

Hearing from Chifuyu that he’d assumed Kazutora would let himself be pushed around threw him
off. He hadn’t thought that was what Chifuyu was doing in the letters everytime he tested his
opinion. “Would you rather me let you do that? I didn’t think… or I thought we were just
talking… maybe.” It felt a bit dumb to say outloud with so many pauses. His own face looked
more pained and nervous than he meant to let show.

He wasn’t sure what to expect from Chifuyu after that confession but he laughed at him, short lived
but his smile rested on his lips. It wasn’t like the one he’d seen on Christmas, he seemed more
menacing, more teasing, he was laughing at Kazutora. Kazutora wasn’t someone who let people
laugh at him or people dared to laugh at but here he sat eyes wide letting Matsuno Chifuyu laugh
at him. “I wouldn’t rather anything from you. I just didn’t expect it. You don’t make sense to me
you know. I just expect things that don’t happen. Even right now, you’re so tense, I don’t know
what I expect from you but you never follow what I imagine you as. It’s kind of annoying
honestly. Hanemiya is loud, Hanemiya is wild, Hanemiya is unpredictable. That last part was
right, my guesses are never right about you.”

He couldn’t quite process all he was saying till he was listing off things about Kazutora. Chifuyu
had had an image in his head of all the things people had said about him in the past and all the
experiences he’d had of Kazutora before and he’d not followed a single one of those. If anything
he imagined Chifuyu was frustrated that he wasn’t acting how he wanted, that it was harder to be
upset with him when he looked like this. “If it helps you don’t fit what I imagined either so I can’t
read you also…” Maybe that wasn’t what Chifuyu wanted from him but he laughed again. He
sounded defeated in that laugh.

“It doesn’t help no. Maybe it makes me feel better that you’re lost on what I say though. Yeah,
 maybe I like that.” Chifuyu told him later in one of his letters exactly what he had meant then.
Kazutora couldn’t get it out of his mind trying to understand exactly what Chifuyu liked.

He liked that Kazutora didn’t understand him the way he wanted to. He said it made him feel
better about being so confused about him all the time. Neither of them would be able to
understand the other for a very long time.

Chapter End Notes

For whatever reason I felt like Kazutora would probably be able to write fairly well
and mess himself up by second guessing what he said knowing someone else was
going to read it. I really don't know what pushed me to make this so long knowing it's
going to continue for quite a while but my motivation for it hasn't diminished in the
slightest. Sorry if this goes on for a while, I just want to fill in the ten year gap we
missed of them and I have a lot of thoughts about it.

Anyways, thank you for reading this :)

 Chapter 6
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

The first thing Kazutora noticed about listening to what Chifuyu thought about him was that it
repeated in his mind. The things he had heard from Chifuyu echoed in his mind for a long time
after. It echoed when he was in the bathhouse and when he sat outside in the sun of the courtyard,
when he lay on his bed and anytime it could he heard his voice. He felt haunted by his words, if
only they had been a bit harsher, a bit cruder maybe he would have spiraled from them. Maybe
then he would stop responding to Chifuyu’s letters but no matter how many times he thought of
doing exactly that he just couldn’t.

Hanemiya is loud, Hanemiya is wild, Hanemiya is unpredictable. When did that stop? He
couldn’t pinpoint when during the year alone he’d lost his personality or rather when he’d let this
other side of himself take over. It felt like he’d been compensating for all the ugly feelings he’d
had for so long and pushing them all away, he’d snapped if he wanted to call it that. Kazutora had
always been quiet when he was on his own, he thought most people were but that didn’t make him
introverted he thought… he thought. Being alone made him second guess his personality, none of
it was fake he wasn’t sure how he could have possibly faked it all for so long but at the same time
this quiet, reserved, anxious side of him didn’t feel fake either.

At some point during being alone he let it all take over, it almost felt wrong to go back to how he
was, especially in front of Chifuyu who unintentionally brought it out of him 100 times over. He
wondered if maybe he was doing a disservice to Chifuyu in not letting him hate Kazutora and
letting his frustrations out. Going back to how he was before doesn’t reasonably seem possible.

Chifuyu’s most recent letter differed in topic from what they’d been allowing themselves to speak
about. He was back to his questions or rather statements that he’d expect Kazutora to say either yes
or no too. The explanation he might give wasn’t necessarily needed but sending a letter with just a
sentence felt unacceptable or rather he couldn’t find it in himself to show less effort than Chifuyu
was.

May 3rd, 2008

Hanemiya Kazutora,

I’m ending our previous exchange (conversation) here to tell you what’s been on my mind all
week. I’d thought of this after the last letter I sent and have had it stuck in my mind till now. I kept
trying and couldn’t quite remember whether or not it was true. So I guess you’re the only one who
can actually confirm that because I’ve discerned that Draken is useless in knowing things about
you that I need him to.

A long while ago Baji showed me something of yours, at least if I remember correctly it was
yours. He said that you liked to draw, or rather that you were good at it. I don’t even remember
what it looked like at the time or what I thought of it but I remember that he said that.

We’ve never really talked about it before, what you like to do. We’ve talked about my thing quite a
bit but you never let me ask you any questions. You’re more closed off than I thought you’d be
Hanemiya. So what I wanted to ask was if you liked to draw or not? Or if there was something
else you were into that wasn’t that. I only knew the drawing thing though.

Don’t take this the wrong way Hanemiya.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

The obvious answer was yes, he was good at drawing but he wasn’t sure if he liked it. Surprisingly
there were lots of things Kazutora was good at that he didn’t know if he liked or not. It was a
simple question that spiraled his thoughts into the bigger question of “what do I like?” He couldn’t
come up with a single thing. Kazutora wasn’t sure if he actually liked anything. There were lots
of things he tolerated, many things that were better than other things but nothing he could look at
and think “I like this”.

He didn’t remember the last time he had drawn anything. He thought it might have been a cat he
drew for Baji, that was probably it. Kazutora had bonded with Mitsuya over it once when he saw
his drawings. Mitsuya wanted him to draw models for clothes for him at one point but it was short
lived. He really was good at it, anyone who saw it would think so but did he like it? At some
point Kazutora had melded the definition of being good at something and liking it. He only liked
to do things he was good at but that didn’t mean he liked them, he just liked that he was good at
it.

It wasn’t as if he’d thought about it too much but he decided that most people probably liked a lot
of things that they could name off at any point in time. “What do you like?” Is such an open
ended and frustrating question he couldn’t quite answer and he hated not being able to answer it.
He felt stupid for not being able to answer it. “Nothing” was not a good answer, that was obvious.
It felt like a cop out like he had something to hide but truly, really he could not for the life of him
come up with anything. Anything would be an okay answer, so why couldn’t he pick something?

Kazutora assumed maybe he’d just forgotten that he liked it because he hadn’t done it in so long.
That maybe if he was doing it right now his answer would change. People want to become good at
the things they like, people who like sports practice and become good because they already liked
those things. Kazutora wasn’t sure why he started drawing or if he even remembered when he
started. Everyone draws even if they’re bad at it so there wasn’t really a reason for him to have
started, kids had to draw in school. Maybe he just wanted the attention that came with it…

May 10th, 2008

Matsuno Chifuyu,

I don’t mind you changing topics. You probably remembered correctly, I’ve drawn a few things
for Baji in the past. When we were a lot younger I used to draw a lot because people always
wanted me to, that’s all. Baji had me draw a lot of different animals whenever he heard of one that
sounded cool or exotic. I don’t think anyone has them anymore but I used to have a folder of cat
drawings that he made me do.

Earlier I wanted to say yes to you, that I liked it. I think you’d know I was lying if I said that so I
couldn’t do that . I don’t like it. I don’t like to draw. I decided I can’t tell you if I liked it or not
before because I don’t remember but probably not. I don’t know what I used to like to do either
Matsuno-san. Sorry.

Is there something you like to do besides read manga? Or anything at all to make up for what I
just said.

(You have a cat right?)

-Kazutora

All week Kazutora wondered what he should have said to make himself sound less pathetic in that
letter. There was nothing, it was pathetic. It would have been so easy to lie, to just say yes to that
question but he couldn’t. What was the point in lying about something like that? Nothing, he liked
nothing.

Matsuno Chifuyu wasn’t someone he really needed to impress anyways. Liking to draw wasn’t
something worth flaunting as a lie. Chifuyu didn’t seem to be disappointed or surprised at his
response the next week either. Instead he told Kazutora about how he liked aviation, he liked
winter when you could wear warm clothes, museums but he’d only been once on a school trip, he
liked art but he couldn’t draw, and his cat. Mostly Kazutora learned about Chifuyu’s cat, Peke J, a
black cat that he’d had for almost five years. Kazutora had heard about that cat briefly from one of
Baji’s letters.

In June Kazutora got called out unexpectedly once more, he was beginning to think Chifuyu’s
visits would all be done without warning now and that he’d only told him the first few times out of
courtesy. The guard didn’t bring him to the visitation room however, they kept walking along the
long hallway and Kazutora began to get nervous over where they were going. He hadn’t done
anything to warrant him being in trouble so he really wasn’t sure what was going on.

They stopped in a room that he learned later was for personal items and delivery. It was where all
the letters came from and new inmates' personal items were stored for inspection. It was also
probably where Chifuyu had to get his manga inspected before giving it to Kazutora. He started to
wonder whether or not one of the letters wasn’t okay for being sent out. He stood there racking his
brain for whatever he had said in the last letter to Chifuyu trying to decide if it would have gotten
him in trouble or not.

He was handed a paper bound blank book, the kind that was glued on the top instead of the side.
“I’m sorry, what am I supposed to do with this?” He looked it over and brought his eyes to the
guard and the other person who was looking through items.

The other person who was sat on a stool in a corner far from the entrance looked back at Kazutora
and the guard in a way that made him feel a bit stupid for asking. The guard, his usual guard that
brought him letters and took him to see Chifuyu in the visitation room and would occasionally talk
to him when things were quiet and he was still awake late at night answered him. “Matsuno
brought that for you. There’s a note on the first page, you can look at it when we go back. You’re
not actually allowed to have pens in your cell but I can give you a pencil and eraser tomorrow.
You can’t take it out of your cell.” Oh .
“Right, umm thank you.” He ducked his head to look back at the book. Walking back was torture,
he anxiously walked wanting to go quicker than normal to look at what Chifuyu had written on the
book. As soon as he’d gotten back to his cell he flipped through to the first page of the blank
book.

There in black ink was what Chifuyu had inscribed for him. He wondered how he had gotten it
here or how it was that he didn’t have to visit to give it to him. Chifuyu must have come here
directly to drop it off or at least that’s what the guard made it sound like.

Hanemiya,

I don’t think anyone truly likes nothing or maybe I just think it’s a shame that you stopped doing
something you were so good at. Draw something for yourself. Tell me if you like it then when
you’re not doing it for everyone else.

,Matsuno Chifuyu

Kazutora would draw continuously for several weeks filling quite a few pages full of detailed
sketches and things he’d remembered how to draw. Being in a blank room wasn’t necessarily very
inspiring but he wasn’t ever one to draw while watching something. He liked to draw from words,
things people described to him. Letting himself become enveloped in the pages of art and feeling
some sense of satisfaction from how they looked. What he wanted to do was show someone.

Chifuyu never brought up what he had given to Kazutora. It was how they handled it all, they
simply left it alone ignoring that it had happened. At the end of July Kazutora sent along with his
usual letter something he’d made specifically for Chifuyu. He had never seen his cat and really all
he had to go on was the description Chifuyu had told him but all Black cats looked remarkably
similar to him. He’d drawn his cat and right under the drawing on the page he wrote: Thank you,
I’m still figuring it out.

He couldn't tell if he liked it or if he was doing it because Chifuyu had given him the book. If he
was enjoying what he was doing or if he enjoyed not thinking about everything else as much.
Kazutora didn't want to admit how much he'd wanted to be distracted. That's what it was, a
distraction. What he really wanted was for Chifuyu to look at what he'd done, for anyone to look at
what he'd done. Not getting validation for it was annoying, he found. There were many times
when he'd want to stop doing it all together after realizing no one was going to be looking at them
but then he'd go back to thinking about Baji. When he weighed his options, drawing for hours on
end was really the better choice.

Trying not to mull over why Chifuyu had given it to him was proving to be harder and harder.
Continually telling himself to just ask was an easier thought than an action. He'll stop if you ask
why. He knew Chifuyu would have told him why if he had wanted to talk about it and so it was
better left alone. He knew why he had done it, in the back of his mind he knew why but didn't
want to admit it. It was better left as an open ended thought, maybe he didn't want an answer.

July 19th, 2008

Hanemiya Kazutora,

Baji-san was right to ask you to draw so much before. I don't know anything about you Hanemiya
but I think for whatever reason when you told me you didn't like anything it pissed me off. "There
has to be something he likes” is all I kept thinking. A favorite color, a kind of bike, sunsets, a kind
of snack, a type of tea, tattoos… anything really. I don't think there's a single person who doesn't
like anything at all. I hate people like that, people who can't find anything good in what they see,
depressing people who don't cry and complain all the time. You didn't seem like that, I'd hate you
a lot more if you were.

There's something you like. Maybe you don't remember right now but I'm sure there's lots of things
you like. There's time to figure it out. You can list it when you find out.

Your drawings are detailed by the way. I don't know why I thought they would have looked
different or what kind of style I imagined you having. I showed Mitsuya, he said he still had some
of your drawings in his room. You drew models for him? He showed me the drawing you did of
his sisters. I didn't think you'd be into drawing other people. I was right, you don't make sense to
me Hanemiya.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

He could almost hear Chifuyu’s voice in his words complaining to him. I hate people like that.
What a strong stance to take, Chifuyu is the kind of person to have opinions on everything he
guessed. Maybe he should have been reassured by not being thought of as a person like that by
Chifuyu but he wasn’t he was just taken aback. It was almost funny seeing him so riled up over
something Kazutora had said and not in a bad way. He was being helpful in an aggressive way.
Kazutora thought Chifuyu could probably make a rather long list of things he liked at any time,
that’s the kind of person he was.

This was the Matsuno Chifuyu that Baji had talked so highly of all those years ago. In that very
short letter he understood what had drawn Baji to him so quickly to make him trust him in such a
short time, to become as close with him as he did. Here Chifuyu hated Kazutora but had no issue
applying his own morals to him, telling him to treat himself better and ignoring his own feelings to
tell him so. I get it, that’s why you liked him.

August 29th, Kazutora was pulled out once more to go to the visitation room without warning. He
pleaded with the guard to let him bring his sketchbook and pencil. “It’s Matsuno-san, isn’t it? I
just want to show him what I’ve done…” He’d never actually asked for anything before and it
seemed his usual guard had some kind of soft spot for troubled kids. That was what he was,
troubled. They let him bring it, he probably wasn’t supposed to but they let him.

Chifuyu didn’t look as tired when he saw him from across the room, his eyes were duller than they
had been the last time however. It seemed every time Kazutora saw him his eyes showed he was
getting worse. He was sitting swinging his legs back and forth, he hit Kazutora’s legs when
Kazutora sat down across from him. “Hanemiya…” His eyes followed to the table where the
book was. “You brought the book.”
Whatever he had wanted to say to him felt almost stupid now, Kazutora opened and closed his
mouth several times before pushing the book over the Chifuyu. “I wanted you to see them.
There’s not a whole lot but they’re not bad. At least I don’t think they’re bad.” Chifuyu picked up
the book, turning it over and then deciding to flip through the pages like Kazutora had wanted.

Kazutora watched his expressions as he looked over each drawing wanting to see which ones he
was spending more time looking at and which ones he’d flipped past immediately. When Chifuyu
didn’t like something he swallowed and tensed his eyebrows, he’d narrow his eyes and open his
mouth slightly before deciding not to say anything and turn to the next page. If it looked like
Chifuyu did like something his whole expression would soften, he wouldn’t smile at it but his
concentration seemed more intense. He watched Chifuyu trace his fingers along some of the pages
when his expression was like that, he wanted to know which ones he’d liked. Kazutora would
count the pages he’d flipped through trying to memorize which pages Chifuyu was tracing. 7…
15… 24.

On a particular page Chifuyu stopped and turned it around to show Kazutora. He pointed at the
drawing, “Who is this?” Chifuyu had flipped back to the beginning, one of the first drawings
Kazutora had put into the book.

“That’s my mother. I don’t think she looks like that anymore, she just looked like that the last time
I saw her… at least I think so.” He was always over explaining to Chifuyu. Kazutora was better at
drawing people than anything else, he drew people he remembered more than anything else.
People who made lasting impressions on him stuck in his mind and came out well on the page. He
didn’t always like those people.

Chifuyu turned the book back toward himself. “She looks beautiful, really mature. She must have
had you when she was young, my mom is definitely older than her.” He looked her over and
Kazutora watched him as he flipped the book closed and slid it back toward him.

He had something he wanted to ask, something to take a step forward with. He was nervous
looking at his book, all he had to do was ask. “Matsuno-san… can I draw you? If that’s okay.”
The expression on Chifuyu’s face when he asked was unreadable. He was sure he shouldn’t have
asked.

He sat there thinking about Kazutora’s question, he drummed his fingers on the metal table.
“Okay. You can draw me, if I get to ask you something. It can be a trade.” Kazutora nodded and
flipped to the next open page getting started right away. They had fifteen minutes.

Kazutora looked from his book to Chifuyu, memorizing his features as he plotted them down. He
had re-dyed his hair from the last time they had met. He was wondering if Chifuyu was going to
let it grow out before. Chifuyu was surprisingly pretty for someone who got beat up all the time,
all his features were soft except for his eyes. He had sharp eyes, it made him look older than he
was.

While Kazutora drew him Chifuyu watched Kazutora intently as he drew. Before when Kazutora
had drawn people they always tried to look at the page he was drawing on to watch him work.
Chifuyu had just kept his eyes on Kazutora the entire time, he didn’t look at the page even once.
“Hanemiya, what makes you nervous? Or, what scares you Hanemiya? Before when I saw you I
didn’t think anything might’ve scared you but that’s not true. Everyone’s scared of something,
what are you scared of?”

He couldn’t help but feel confused by it. Chifuyu could have asked him anything he wanted, he
called it a trade but if he wanted he could have asked Kazutora that anytime he wanted. “That’s
what you wanted to ask? Umm… lots of things scare me. You scare me, Baji’s mom scared me,
 Mikey’s grandpa scared me once, crabs, Totoro from that one animation, being smothered to
death, being alone probably… how come?” He wasn’t even focused on what he was saying when
he spoke looking at what he was drawing and looking it over before adding details.

“Totoro… I guess I didn’t expect you to be so honest right now. You don’t make a lot of sense to
me Hanemiya, you know that. Mikey said one time that knowing what people are scared of is an
easy way to know what makes them tick. I think you just made me more confused with your list.”
Chifuyu had the smallest hint of a smile on his lips by the end of it, he would have laughed at
Kazutora if he hadn’t been thinking so hard.

When he finished he neatly tore out the drawing and slid it back over to Chifuyu. He wasn’t sure
what made him want to keep giving drawings to Chifuyu but he liked watching him look at his
drawings. That was something he liked. He had a similar reaction to the ones Mitsuya had when
he watched Kazutora draw when they were younger. It was… reminiscent.

He watched Chifuyu’s eyes soften again as he looked it over. “You know I don’t think I’m
allowed to take things out of here with me. You’re going to make me go back through getting it
checked before I go home.” Kazutora hadn’t thought of that, Chifuyu saw his eyes go wide as he
went to tell him he didn’t have to take it back with him. “I’m taking it with me. You don’t think
things through though, do you?”

Chifuyu left with the drawing, it didn’t take long for him to get it checked or at least that’s what he
heard from the guard. Kazutora drew Chifuyu several times more over the next few days, unable
to get his face out of his mind. How he looked when he was fascinated with something, when he
was intense, Kazutora couldn’t get any of it out of his mind.

There was something indescribable about how he felt when he saw Chifuyu trace his drawings.
All he knew was that he liked it. That was something he liked, he would add that to the top of his
list. Kazutora would never say it out loud, it was something he could barely admit but he liked the
face Chifuyu made when he saw his drawings. He was enamored.

Chapter End Notes

I had far too many thoughts about them and did this all too quickly. This is my longest
chapter for them, it was going to be longer because the part that happens next was
going to be in it but I split it.

I cannot describe why my thoughts on Kazutora being scared of Totoro and Crabs took
place but I stand by it.

I hope this was enjoyable, thank you for reading it. Your comments always make me
excited and I end up writing more than I thought I would.
 Chapter 7
Chapter Notes

I'm going to warn now incase you're someone who doesn't like to look at tags. This is
rated fro themes surrounding Kazutora. So, for this chapter here are the cws.
CW: Talk of suicide, themes of mental illness

See the end of the chapter for more notes

After their last visit Kazutora noticed the cold distance between Chifuyu and him grew almost
rapidly. It was almost the same sort of aggression he had felt when Chifuyu first started writing to
him, his letters took a change in tone that he couldn’t help but notice. There was never any light
air between the two of them that they could have lost, it had always been weighted with their past
but he couldn’t help but notice the darkened atmosphere that had flowed through his words as of
late. He wondered if Chifuyu had never really wanted him to reply in the first place and had begun
to more actively hate that he was replying to him.

The tension of that question hung in Kazutora’s writing, pushing him to ask if he should stop or to
just continue to let it fester. As much as it rotted in his mind and the noticeable change only
continued he couldn’t bring himself to do anything about it. There was distance between them for
a reason. Maybe he’d occasionally thought differently, thought wrongly because he was used to
the attention of Chifuyu.

In the end it was not just Chifuyu who had chosen to distance himself but Kazutora as well after
snapping back into his own reality. He would not let himself forget who he was to the boy sending
him letters. It was as if he’d been trying to forget during that visit why he was so hated if only for
a few moments.

Talking to Chifuyu most of the time had felt like talking to a wall. He wasn’t readily giving out
important information about himself. It was as if he could tell you everything about himself and
Kazutora still wouldn’t understand a thing about him. To Kazutora there wasn’t a person alive
he’d really understood, everyone brought him to a loss at some point or another. Most people only
had a few things about them that he hadn’t understood, a motive, a goal that didn’t quite fit in his
mind. For Chifuyu there wasn’t a thing about him he understood.

Kazutora thought that maybe it was his fault for being slightly over zealous at their last meeting. It
was his fault in the end for not realizing it sooner or for doing it all really. Only later in the letters
did he realize just how upset Chifuyu had felt over it. The two of them acting as anything other
than what they were had caused an even bigger rift in their relationship if he should even call it
that. Just him and his disgusting wants, his impetuous way of getting them.

There was something in him so unbelievably desperate for a relationship, and kind of relationship
that even the consistency of the letters felt warm to him. It was all too warm and scary, terrifying
really how Matsuno Chifuyu was a flame for him that he was never allowed to get away from.
He’d be stuck in this imaginary room with Chifuyu for the rest of his life watching him burn,
hurting himself in the process and he’d do all he could to avoid touching fire. Kazutora thought
maybe burning up from Chifuyu till he died wouldn’t be so bad.

Too many metaphors for how Kazutora felt about it all. He’d wanted to write it all down,
everything he felt and thought and just burn that too. The way he forgets what he puts in the letters
he wouldn’t mind forgetting all this too. With nowhere to put it though it just stays in his head and
still he sits eating away at himself.

Chifuyu puts his emotions all on the line to do what Baji wanted and a lot of time that seems
ridiculous to Kazutora. He’s not sure if he should be grateful or disgusted by it all. Letting go of
his free will to do something like that for someone who isn’t even alive to see it, that should be
insane. He thought all that and yet he’s never been in love, there’s no reason for him to speak on
it. Not to Chifuyu.

It seemed as of late that he’d lost it in his letters. Whenever he started to feel worse in his cell, to
overthink, to hurt himself he’d see Chifuyu hurting just as much outside. All his words were
devastating and this time he felt pained by the words. Pained and yet glad, glad that it had all been
said that Chifuyu hadn’t held back once during the letter. He’d snapped from his own thoughts
was all and Kazutora got to watch it all and let himself loose to let all his pent up emotions over
him come falling down.

Chifuyu doesn’t regret this letter years later but there is a sort of shame and ill feeling that comes
with knowing Kazutora has read it. He took this letter from Kazutora when he found it. There is
no remaining evidence that it was ever written. One of three letters burned.

September 13th, 2008

Hanemiya Kazutora,

For the first time in a while I think I'm at a loss with myself. I put this letter into words over and
over and none of them sound right, they still sound wrong and I debated sending this or just
continuing our previous conversation. When you read this and they all sound off know there was a
better version in my mind and I had no words for it was all.

Hanemiya, Do you know why I started sending letters to you? I've only told you a few times, I sent
them for Baji-san. He's always on my mind. For the longest while, a year, maybe that isn't so
long, for a year I could bare to think about talking to you. I was so overwhelmed by my hate for
you that even for Baji-san I couldn't see myself talking to you. The time away from you and
thoughts of you was something I probably needed more of but I impulsively wrote you when it was
near his birthday. A sort of wish for him. Maybe that’s more silly than it felt but it felt like an
homage I needed to give, too early for myself or not.

Hanemiya, I'm at a loss with myself. There are certain things you shouldn't understand about me
but you do and a lot of the time it upsets me. It's why you look so scared and sad when you look at
me. If it were Baji-san he'd want me to forgive you and I know that, he'd want me to be your
friend. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it, I really do hate you Hanemiya. So much so that I
can barely find myself being able to write to you sometimes. I'd rather pity you and find it in
myself to do what Baji-san would have wanted but I find myself growing away from myself and my
own ideas and feeling anger instead.

He was correct though, he said we would have made excellent friends once and I think that if you
had not been who you are we would have been. At our visits I am not pained to be there, I push
myself to make the most of them but the ill feeling never goes away when I look at you. You always
have blood on your face to me, Hanemiya.

So I'm at a loss and for the first time I think I'm too young to decide something for myself. Does it
pain you to speak to me all the time? Are you forcing yourself out of fear? Out of guilt?

All this because of the picture you drew for me. I sat there staring at it for so long unable to form
any describable emotions over it. I was sickened by it but I found myself wanting to look at it
more. I was telling the truth when I said your art was pretty but when it is for me I don’t know if I
hold the same feelings. Everything about you is fine from afar. That’s the correct sentence!

Even to you I think I should apologize for being so crass this whole letter. We can continue our
previous conversation next week. There’s no need for your thoughts back if you don’t want to give
them. I just needed to express how I felt in words for once. Even if it was done poorly.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

Chifuyu was only fifteen, he was always forgetting they were children. In his letters he'd sounded
so grown up and adult like. It was only when he saw him in person that he thought Chifuyu really
was just some kid with too much trauma to bear. It was just a fifteen year old kid ranting to him,
he shouldn’t expect himself to act so grown up.

Kazutora thought that Chifuyu might have been a really mature person and not even have
understood it himself. He'd said all that but still Kazutora couldn't shake the feeling that he'd put
all these unnecessary expectations on himself. Still, he hadn't even actually apologized to Chifuyu
for what he'd done, not that it would have fixed anything or made it better. What kind of person
would Matsuno Chifuyu have to be to forgive Kazutora right away like that, or even at all? He'd
already given so much with nothing to show for it.

He felt he might have been angry with Chifuyu for acting as if all this was for him to bear alone if
it wasn't in a lot of ways true. There really wasn't anyone willing to help Chifuyu with what he was
going for, no one that understood how he was feeling. And Kazutora, all he could do was sit from
afar and watch him be in pain.

Yell at me. That's what Kazutora had wanted. He wasn't allowed, he couldn't do it here but in the
letters there was this burning hatred that flowed in his ink. Kazutora noticed it all, he felt it all. If
Chifuyu could just understand that he didn't have to hold back, that was what Kazutora thought.
He'd wanted him to throw all his emotions at him so then he could bear some of the weight too.

Kazutora truly felt ill at the end of reading that letter but it was the illness he felt that made it such
a great testament to his emotions. Chifuyu is sickened by him, how should he feel by that? He
knew that Chifuyu harbored no good emotions toward him but still maybe he’d felt overwhelmed
by the pure obvious hate of it all. Even crying felt wrong to do now. Would he really cry over
reading something he already knew? He would.

It was uncontrollable to him, he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He’d hated himself for crying so
much if he was honest for there was nothing to come of it, if he were to cry over something like
that in front of Chifuyu he’d never forgive himself. It was him who had always hated when other
people cried while they were at fault. The unnecessary need to comfort them who had done
something wrong. He would never but here he was crying. Pathetic really.
…

“What are you going to do when you get out?”

Kazutora had pictured that question over and over and he’d been asked it many times before. He
was reforming his character, he was letting the guilt wash over him and spending time thinking
about his sins and learning how to fix himself. That was the whole point wasn’t it? Reformation.
Once he’d reformed the question was then what? In seven years, then he would do what?

He could not physically imagine himself after prison. In his mind he would be here forever and
then that was it. He would be here forever and then… then it was over. There was a point where
he couldn’t quite admit to himself what he meant because what he meant made his insides churn
but he felt so at peace with the idea.

Alone, he lay alone in his cell like always like he would be doing for seven more years. He was
laying on his bed looking at the blank ceiling. It looked so cold, everything was cold. It shouldn’t
have been, Kazutora realized last month he probably hadn’t been eating enough. No one had really
noticed but he noticed it more at night when he started to feel colder to the air of the cell. His
stomach was showing more of his ribs than before, he thought it looked disgusting. He’d run his
hands up and down his stomach feeling it and hating it. He should just eat more he thought but it
was all unappetizing. Three years and only now he’d complain about it being unappetizing.

The sheets were warm because he’d been laying on them for so long, everyone should be asleep
right now. Yet he’s there eyes wide running his hand along his ribs feeling how bony it felt right
then in that position answering the question to himself. When it clicked in his mind he couldn’t
help but laugh at himself. All this just to end it right after.

Kazutora had always had an idea of what he wanted to do when he got out. He’d suffer his time
like he deserved and then he’d end it all immediately after. He’d go to the very top of whatever the
tallest building was around and he’d watch the stars. That was a thought he had had before, he’d
really like to see the stars one last time. When he gets there he’ll feel how cold the wind is and
he’ll bask in the stars if only for an hour. Then when the city is real quiet he’ll jump off and that’ll
be it.

Thinking of it gave him a satisfactory feeling mixed with something he can only describe as his
stomach turning in knots. It was somber yet very sickening to think of. Maybe it was just a nice
disturbing thought for now but later he’d let it all happen. He’d repent till then, he’d let Chifuyu
send him letters and Mitsuya and Draken find their way away from him eventually. In ten years
Kazutora figures no one will even really remember him. He’ll just be a vague awful thought they
all have once in a while. No one would even have to know he died.

That was right, no one would have to know. It’d be some police report no one would see. He
figured his parents wouldn’t care much when they were called either, they haven’t visited once,
they haven’t called, they haven’t said a goddamn thing. Kazutora would die peacefully and
everyone could be okay hating him without having to know he was dead.

When someone dies all of a sudden it’s much harder to hate them. Cursing the dead brought forth
nothing, they were just something to pity. He thought that if no one knew he’d died then maybe
they wouldn’t feel so bad hating him forever. He’d toyed with the fact that maybe ten years
wasn’t enough time to spend repenting and living in his guilt but to Kazutora he thought he really
just couldn’t make it past then. Even now it was all torture. Even now he could barely stand the
idea of living.

In the end he already felt dead to the world, making it a reality truly would make no difference to
the world.

Kazutora’s wish stayed a wish till he found something new to want just as desperately and forgot
all about his need for the end. He’d find it all in eight years time he’d want something entirely
new.

In this letter Kazutora finally addresses how Chifuyu felt all those months ago finally able to say
what he wanted. Chifuyu said later that that letter was the start to Chifuyu absolving his own guilt
about the situation.

December 17th, 2008

Matsuno Chifuyu,

It was a little while ago that you asked me why I’d spoken to you at all, if I forced myself to speak
to you. I’m looking at the letter right now making sure I don’t mess up what you said, you asked if
it might have been a pain to speak to you. If I hadn’t hated reading that letter so much I might
have laughed because for the first time I thought something you said might have sounded stupid.
Aren’t you just pushing your own feelings of our relationship onto me Matsuno-san? That’s what I
thought.

I’m scared to talk to you, and I do feel in pain looking at you and reading your letters a lot of the
time but I’ve never once forced myself to do this out of anything other than my need to do
something for you. I can’t even tell if you want me to respond sometimes but I figure if you see me
enough and yell at me enough you’ll end up being okay just hating me from afar instead, that
maybe you’ll be able to heal if you hate me enough right now.

I don’t fully understand how you could do all this for one person, I truly don’t and I can’t pretend
to. Though, I think as long as you continue thinking you have to make yourself like me at some
point you’re going to be unhappy with it. There’s no reason you couldn’t yell at me through every
letter and tell me you hate me, if that was what you wanted to do I wouldn’t blame you. Help
yourself Matsuno-san, you are too young to make any decision that big.

Happy Birthday by the way, It’s really soon. So, Happy sixteenth birthday if I’m allowed to say
that to you.

-Kazutora

He felt at peace with their relationship, that was a feeling that had been foreign to him before. Only
for that night and it would take much longer for that feeling to return after but after laying all their
feelings on the table like that and letting it become clear that they both knew where they stood he
 was at peace. Kazutora slept that night without nightmares, he dreamt of Chifuyu. His face was
blurry in his mind and it was a scene of something they might never do but he wasn’t disappointed
when he woke up. All it was was a nice dream, something that felt warm.

They were on the top of a building, it had been the one he imagined himself on so many nights
before that. The two of them sat side by side watching the sun rise. He wasn’t sure what had
happened in the dream before that but he remembered the floor felt warm and the run shining
gradually over them blanketed his skin in a feeling he never remembered having before. Chifuyu
was smiling at the sky in front of them. That was right, Kazutora had wanted to see that again,
hadn’t he? It was nice even if it was only in his head.

It had felt so real, he felt if he was to reach out and touch him during the dream he might fade away
or the scene might change. If he just kept his eyes on Chifuyu then nothing would change. The
sun would still be warm, the building would still be high up, they would still be side by side and
Chifuyu would still be smiling. He’d just watch him till he woke up.

Chapter End Notes

Oh god, I had such a specific Idea for what this chapter was. Thank you to the people
that let me complain about doing this chapter eleven times, for sure wouldn't have
finished it otherwise. I desperately want to play into Kazutora's manic/calm responses
to things.

Thank you very much for waiting and reading this :)

 Chapter 8
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Hashing things out and laying your feelings on the table with someone makes everything simpler.
Kazutora felt that now that they were on the same page about all their feelings that there was this
understanding that made all his sentences come out better and his words flow more smoothly. It
was his own tension of the fear of misunderstanding he always had. I don’t understand you but I
know your motives and that’s good enough.

He thought that maybe Chifuyu had felt the same way. They were just sitting on all their emotions
with nothing to come of them. If they could just simplify the problem into words on a page then
they would know where they stood.

Chifuyu’s letters were still filled with tense emotion but going on from where they were was easier,
or at least it was easier for Kazutora. Responding to idle conversion in letters is much more
difficult when the other person is on edge with no words to back it up. Things like romance manga
feel a lot more dark and disturbing in that kind of light. Not to say the words didn’t still come
across as tense but it was just more obvious to Kazutora what was going on in Chifuyu’s mind
while writing it.

He doesn’t mind the aggression in Chifuyu’s tone anymore, the way he’d switched from pushing
himself to feeling something to just saying what he meant. Kazutora doesn’t mind all that or in a
more accurate way he can’t mind it. There are many things Kazutora can’t do that if he did he’d be
upset with himself over. He cannot mind what Chifuyu wants and ends up doing, he cannot cry if
it’s for himself and he cannot, will not do anything else to make him in pain. It’s a small list but
damn if he doesn’t try at it.

He breaks the second rule a lot not that anyone but he and the guard would know it so he thinks
that maybe it’s okay. At least no one has seen it, that’s what he thinks. The first he breaks less
often but he never shows it, he can’t even admit to himself that he’s done it but he’s broken it. The
third one too, maybe Kazutora is useless at all his rules but he works for them.

By the end of the next six years he will have done all his goals almost perfectly.

Chifuyu wrote to him once more changing their subject and ignoring their conversation to say
something on his own accord. Kazutora lets him do it, he finds it’s easier to let Chifuyu go off on
tangents than it is to say anything else or ignore it. If the next few letters are about the new thing
then Kazutora doesn’t mind if his previous thoughts go unanswered. They were talking about
themes, Kazutora had thought his notions were well thought out but they will stay not responded
to. And that’s okay.

January 19th, 2009

Hanemiya Kazutora,

I noticed a while ago that your drawings that you’d sent to me had stopped coming. Logical flow
of thought that either you’ve stopped drawing or just don’t want to give them to me Hanemiya.
Knowing you and the patterns you follow you’ve just stopped drawing entirely. A shame honestly.
I don’t mind if you never send me anything, I actually didn’t expect to receive anything back when
I gave you that book anyways. Though, I’d like to know if you’re still drawing.

Do you still not like it Hanemiya? You told me that there was nothing you liked in the world. I
still don’t believe it, I know there’s something. I don’t think you’d get so good at something by
accident… Still I don’t know how long it would even take for you to know if you liked it if that’s
how you do things. Always getting good at them before you like it.

If you don’t keep doing it I don’t think you’ll know. I asked you to do it for yourself but you
haven’t. You were drawing for me even still. I don’t think drawing things for me can be for you.
Show me when you’ve drawn for yourself or at least update me on it. I don’t know why you
stopped with that.

Is there something specific you want to draw? Maybe that’s why. Mitsuya talked about sewing
and designing a few times to me as of late. He wanted to know what I wanted to do, when the topic
came to him he talked about designing. There were things he did for practicality but he told me
that “when there’s something gorgeous or obscure I want to make it’s only frustrating if I can’t
bring it to life.” I thought that maybe that applies to you. Just that maybe all you really want to
draw is tigers but you don’t know what they look like or you can’t draw them right so it’s
unenjoyable.

I bet I’m allowed to send photos of things like that to you if you have no inspiration. Think about
it. And Hanemiya, I’m scheduling a day soon enough.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

He was wrong. Chifuyu, he was wrong even if it was rare he was definitely wrong just now in his
letter. Kazutora read that one paragraph over and over, when he went through the letter the second
time he got stuck again and again on that same stupid line. Invigorating thoughts from Chifuyu
that didn’t make any sense to him. How can someone dedicating so much time to one person not
understand what’s going on?

He was an idiot, that’s why. It didn’t matter how smart he was otherwise if he could mess up like
this. ‘I don’t think drawing things for me can be for you.’ He’s wrong. Kazutora was screaming
in his mind over and over that he was. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind that there was no sense to
be made of that sentence. If he did it for Chifuyu then who’s to say that that exactly isn’t what he
wanted to do. It’s for him but it’s for Kazutora.

When he drew that first picture of Chifuyu’s cat it was for him but it was Kazutora’s own want and
need to give something to him that made him want to do it at all. It was so simple in his mind but
he knew something like that would never fit in Chifuyu’s mind.

Looking over the letter he couldn’t help but feel surprised at the choice animal that was chosen for
him. He’d suggested that Kazutora had wanted to draw a tiger. Either it had just been a simple
coincidence and he couldn’t help but read into it. He remembered his tattoo or maybe just what
Baji had called him as a teasing nickname, Chifuyu remembered it. One couldn’t help but wonder
what Chifuyu was thinking when he wrote that down.
It took him far too long to know what to draw again. Chifuyu was correct, he had stopped drawing
when the tension between them had risen before to that unbearable point. He was truly drawing for
Chifuyu and him alone, there was no point if he didn’t see what Kazutora was drawing. If the
book he’d given to him had said anything else in the cover it was true that maybe Kazutora would
have been thinking differently about this whole “project”. Though he was given it to be able to tell
and show Chifuyu at a certain point, he’d just assumed he meant the progress as well.

Kazutora was stuck on his bed pencil in hand drawing a terribly rough sketch on what he’d like to
think was a cat. “This is stupid.” It wasn’t often he spoke to himself in his cell but he couldn’t get
over what he was doing at that moment.

When he got stuck on what to draw before he’d got pulled back into what he’d drawn way before
when Baji was in charge of his artistic decisions. I’m drawing fucking cats. It wasn’t as if
Kazutora didn’t like cats, he didn’t have any particular emotional attachment to the smaller animals
but this certainly wasn’t “drawing for himself”. Maybe Chifuyu would be disappointed to see it but
he quite literally couldn’t picture anything else that looked correct in his mind.

By the time he’d drawn twenty different cats on his page he was deadly sick of them. Some form
of torture from beyond the grave from Baji is what he figured. There was no other reason for him
to have drawn so many of an animal he barely even thought anything of.

With the promise of Chifuyu’s visit being soon he felt he needed to find something to draw to
show him when he came. Something that wasn’t cats. Soon had meant lots of things to Chifuyu.
Next week or in a few months it meant two entirely different things. Kazutora figured whatever
he’d have to show’s attractiveness and likability would have everything to do with what soon meant
to Chifuyu this time.

March 9th, it had taken a month and a half for Chifuyu to mean soon. Kazutora was in the middle
of finishing a piece when he was abruptly asked to meet for visitation. Not having warnings was
never good for how Kazutora liked things to be handled now, before he probably wouldn’t have
had a care in the world over going somewhere. Chifuyu needed a warning of at least a few hours
before he was prepared, especially over what he knew about their last meeting. Chifuyu was
sickened, he couldn’t shake that thought.

Once they were sitting in front of each other Kazutora noticed how cleaned up Chifuyu looked
today. His hair was styled in a cleaner way with part of his usual bangs clipped back on the left
side, the blue sweater he wore gave him paws but he looked put together. Kazutora sat with his
hands between his knees looking Chifuyu over who scowled back at him. “Just say what you’re
thinking, you hate my hair or something?”

That was not what Kazutora was thinking and he was surprised Chifuyu had thought that at all. “I
thought you looked nice… I wasn’t going to say it aloud though. Did you go somewhere today?”
It was obvious he’d been careful not to overstep like he had before.

Chifuyu kept the compliment unacknowledged. “Takemitchi and I went somewhere today, yeah. I
didn’t have time to change before I came here, that's all.” He was always short with his answers to
Kazutora, he’d never tell him much about what he was actually doing or what was going on
outside. The only things he heard were from Draken and Mitsuya on occasion. Chifuyu looked at
the table for the first time since Kazutora had sat down. “Oh, you brought the book.”

There was the slightest bit of surprise in his voice in a way that made him almost sound pleased…
almost. Kazutora quickly flipped through the book trying to find something to show Chifuyu.
Unexpectedly and over the line of what they’d done till then Chifuyu reached over the table to look
at the pages Kazutora was flipping through and snatched the book out of his hands. “Hey, uhh
that’s not the one I want to show you… that one is actually kind of poorly drawn. If you just flip
forward then it’s not as bad.” He was shut up by Chifuyu’s look of annoyance thrown at him. It
was a non verbal ‘I know what I’m doing’.

Instead of staying on the page Kazutora had left off on he flipped all the way to the last page he’d
seen of the drawings. Almost immediately Kazutora wanted to tell him to skip that page or reach
across the table and just turn the page for him or rip it out or just have Chifuyu stop looking at it.
There was a fierce stare Chifuyu held toward the pictures as he swallowed and ran his fingers over
it. “Is that me?” He looked to Kazutora who’s panic was obvious.

“Yes. I just drew them after our last visit because your face was in my mind, that’s all. Just…
because of that.” Even at eighteen Kazutora was stuttering over his words when nervous. It was
not easy to get Kazutora nervous, before Chifuyu he’d almost never felt embarrassed or even
awkward really. He brought out this awful side of him that he hated.

There was no good explanation for the next few pages Chifuyu was going to go through. They
were all him in different poses, doing different things, most of them featuring his eyes that
Kazutora had stuck in his head for so long. “You drew me a lot.” It was just a fact, Kazutora had
drawn him far too many times for any regular person not to question it. Especially if it was
Chifuyu.

“Yes… I can tear them out if you hate them.” He looked over as Chifuyu turned onto the third
page filled with his face. “God there really are a lot of them.” It was either the worried look on
Kazutora’s face or how he was finally invading Chifuyu’s personal space as he leaned over the
table to look at the book but Chifuyu couldn’t help but laugh.

Kazutora was just too nervous for him not to. “You’re too close, sit down. I’ll just skip past
them…” He flipped two more pages till he landed on a drawing that was finally not of his own
face. Kazutora sat down finally, eyes on Chifuyu as he looked through the book. He was just
waiting for his reactions to anything else.

Chifuyu took his time through the book, his reactions were similar to how they had been the first
time. It was true, Chifuyu really did like art. He could see that in the way he looked at Kazutora’s
drawings, even his drawings. He could never quite get over him wanting to see his art, it was
almost awful letting him see his drawings even if they were for him.

That was right, all of them were for Chifuyu, every single one of them. Chifuyu had been flipping
through the pages a bit faster and landed on one specific page that he stopped at and had been
looking at for much longer than the others. He put the book down flat on the table and pointed to
it “This one. I like this one a lot.” Kazutora peered over at the book realizing what picture it was
Chifuyu was praising actively.

It was the last picture he’d drawn of Chifuyu quite a few months ago, three months ago. He’d
drawn it and it was the last picture he’d drawn completely separated from the others in style and in
the time they were drawn. This one was made after that dream he had, he’d wanted to keep that
warm feeling. He’d forgotten he’d even made it. That one, that wasn’t for Chifuyu.

He was on top of the building with Kazutora, he hadn’t drawn himself in this all he’d wanted to
capture was Chifuyu and the sun. He was basking in the light just as he’d done in his mind, if it
was in color Kazutora would have called it a good picture. It was a surprise Chifuyu had liked it,
still. He wondered why it was his favorite when all the other ones were drawn for him
specifically. That one was Kazutora’s, he was possessive over it even. The only one that had
made him feel warm.

“You should draw more things like this. It’s a good picture.” Chifuyu’s eyes were softening when
he looked at it. He must have known it was of him but he never said anything, he just admired it
and eventually turned to the next page without letting Kazutora respond.

Kazutora could see the page he’d flipped to next. “The damn cats, skip that one.” All those cats
he’d drawn to get himself back into drawing, he hated those cats he drew or Baji. There were far
too many. It almost looked like a poster featuring nothing but cats, it was also very different from
his other drawings; they looked too cartoon-y.

Chifuyu had the smallest smile on his face as he looked at them. His gaze snapped back to
Kazutora, “Let me have this one. You don’t like it, right?” It was true he didn’t like it but all the
more reason for him not to give it to Chifuyu. He only wanted him to have his best work and that
picture was far from it. He wondered if Chifuyu was just as into cats as Baji was and maybe that
was why he liked it.

He gave in, slightly disappointed in himself for drawing it at all. “Yeah, okay. You can take it,
just rip it out.” Chifuyu neatly tore it out and placed it on the table next to where he was sitting.
The next photos didn’t invoke much of a reaction out of Chifuyu, not like the picture of his dream
that he’d admired for so long. He wasn’t even sure how he’d ever be able to recreate something
like that, he had no other inspiration for something that would turn out like that.

There were a few he touched over but nothing that seemed to draw his eye to it. When it was time
to go, Chifuyu held the paper to his chest and gave the smallest of smiles to Kazutora as a sort of
thank you for letting him keep the drawing. All those damn cats he’d never have to see again went
home with Chifuyu.

He would have to see them again, Kazutora was made to color them later and they’re framed in
their living room now. Kazutora hates them less now that he knows why he kept them. He’s
drawn many more awful cats for Chifuyu just like them.

Kazutora spent his time trying to recreate something like the image of Chifuyu on the building but
each erased picture looked less and less like something he thought he would enjoy. He knew
exactly what about the picture he’d enjoyed so much for himself but for Chifuyu to like it he
couldn’t understand that. There was no previous context for the image to feel warm for him, but
he’d liked it anyway. Every recreation looked worse than the last as he realized he had no more
warm feelings to put out into his pictures. They all looked so lifeless to him.

There were no pictures that he could recreate like that one for a long time. Chifuyu would just
have to wait if he ever wanted to see something that felt warm when it was drawn by Kazutora.
He’d gotten frustrated enough from trying to make something great that nothing he drew looked
right, he’d just have to stop trying to make them look warm. By the time he gave up on drawing
something with that feeling he hated that feeling entirely, it was an expectation of his art and
subconscious he could no longer live up to.
Chapter End Notes

The comments on the last chapter were far too nice and I wrote too much after reading
them. Just, thank you for reading this and enjoying it as much as I have making it. I
never really expected anyone but myself to be as into this when I made it especially
knowing how long I was going to make it so I'm always excited and happily surprised
by you all enjoying my story.

Anyways, thank you I of course always enjoy reading your comments even if my
responses might look painfully awkward.
 Chapter 9
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Out of all the people Kazutora knew Matsuno Chifuyu would be the worst match up for him. He
opposed all of Kazutora’s core ideals or at least what they had been. Now all his ideals were shaky
and unsure, he’d been trying to change them to do what he said he would and repent. Chifuyu’s
ideals were self righteous and far more idealistic than obtainable. That was the whole point
though, to be idealistic.

His own words were really coming back to bite with venom. Wasn’t it Kazutora who turned
totally self righteous in that letter last December? ‘Help yourself Matsuno-san’. He was really
wishing right about now that he hadn’t asked Chifuyu to do that. Of course he had meant it, he still
meant it but being so bold to someone like that was not in his best interest. He was probably used
to people shying away from him or at least not shoving their opinions at him. Kazutora wondered
where he’d gotten the confidence to say something like that to Chifuyu.

All he wanted was to make things better off for Chifuyu but his shitty advice wasn’t helping that.
It’d gotten to Chifuyu’s head though and that had made it all worse. The most recent letter proved
he’d been thinking about what he said in that letter. Kazutora was always sure he was the only one
mulling over the letters, especially that one from all those months ago. To know Chifuyu was
mulligan over one of his letters if he was honest didn’t feel great. In fact it felt pretty awful.

He wanted to be shouting ‘Take it all with a grain of salt’ because truly none of what he said was
too important. He’d call his thoughts spur of the moment or not thought through but that was a lie.
Kazutora had had months to come up with that response, every word of it was calculated. There
wasn’t a thing he said in that letter that he didn’t truly and honestly mean. Still, that didn’t mean
he should have said it.

Right now he was screaming at himself as he read through the newest letter the second time.
Chifuyu even brought it up again which was completely awful. He’d thought they were just going
to ignore what they said and move on. They had been moving on so why now all these months
later was Chifuyu hung up on what he said?

It was his own fault, he had to be.

May 29th, 2009

Hanemiya Kazutora,

You really fucked with me in that letter you wrote in December. You have a way with words
Hanemiya, I’ll give you that. I quite literally cannot stop thinking about it and everytime I think
I’ve forgotten what you said I’m reminded in some kind of way.

Today Draken said something that had nothing to do with you or the letters or Baji-san or any of
it. We were just eating, that’s all. He pushed one of the plates over to me and said “help
yourself”. Your stupid letter popped into my head and I was back to square one thinking of it all
over again.

“Help yourself” what the hell does that even mean Hanemiya? You know don’t you? Since you’re
the one that said it. It just pissed me off all over again. I don’t even know what to do with
something like that. You really like to push your luck with me don’t you?

I took a break from writing and cooled off. I was ranting a lot. I was yelling at you in that first
part though, could you tell? It’s not in all caps or anything but I was yelling, that’s what you said I
could do before wasn’t it? You said I could yell at you in all my letters. There’s no way I’m going
to do that, that’s not the point of them… but you were right maybe it felt nice temporarily.

You said I didn’t have to make myself like you. I know that. I don’t think I could make myself like
anybody even if I wanted to. Making yourself feel some kind of emotion you don’t have is a stupid
concept anyways. I’m not trying to like you, Hanemiya. I thought by then you would have
understood that. If I was trying to make myself like you I wouldn’t have told you I hated you so
many times. It’s like the opposite of a positive affirmation doing that.

In my head I thought that if I understood you or spoke to you enough I would feel sympathy for
you. Sympathy or maybe I could find something about you I like. Baji-san liked you a lot, I
already told you all my reasons for doing it. You know how I feel and what I want even if you
never understand. So let me do what I need to do.

I’m helping myself. Watch me help myself and regret telling me to do so later. I ask you bearable
questions often, let’s continue that. I’m getting the 3rd volume approved. I’m going to help myself
so read it when it comes. If you know what I’m doing then don’t be difficult anymore it’s pissing
me off.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

Kazutora is the idiot now. Telling Chifuyu what to do was in retrospect the worst idea. Even
worse now that he’s taken to telling Kazutora about it. The second half of that letter was written in
a completely different pen, he’d seen the ink change. He wondered just how upset Chifuyu had
gotten when writing that first half. Kazutora really had a gift for pissing people off even when he
didn’t mean to. Changing everything about yourself takes more than a few years alone and
willpower. Maybe he’d always be like that.

That was an awful thought. He’d always be like that. Kazutora didn’t want to keep most of what
he was like. When he looked at himself he couldn’t help but desperately wish for it all to be gone.
He didn’t want to be the same as he had, looks, personality, any of it. If he could wake up and be
someone else… he’d want that. A restart button or anything. Death really is the final restart or…
the final end. At least he wouldn’t wake up anymore.

There were a lot of things in that letter that made Kazutora wonder exactly what Chifuyu wanted to
do to make himself sympathize. He’d said he wanted to find something likeable about Kazutora
once and something else in their first visit that he didn’t exactly remember the words that were
used. It seemed a bit like an impossible mission Chifuyu was setting himself up for. Who was
gonna like anything about the guy that killed their true love and bestfriend? Apparently Matusno
Chifuyu was determined to do whatever he thought didn’t really matter.
He called it helping himself. He couldn’t really tell Chifuyu the way he was going about it was
wrong any longer. As much as he was confusing and honest he was stubborn more than that. It
was like Chifuyu had made up his mind so there was nothing else Kazutora could do but sit and let
it happen. They’d go down whatever path Chifuyu chose. Him blazing the trail and Kazutora
walking nervously behind. An unsightly duo.

The book did come to him shortly after, just like Chifuyu promised him. He read, of course he
read it. They’d have something more to talk about now, that’s why Chifuyu was doing it, wasn’t
it? When he had to follow the guard to the backroom to get the book just like he had had to do the
last time he could almost hear Chifuyu telling him that their old conversations were boring by
doing this.

There was always a question of how exactly Chifuyu was affording anything to be able to give to
Kazutora. It wasn’t as if he was only spending money on Kazutora because frankly that didn’t
make any sense but still. He was almost inclined to ask him about it though asking how someone
makes money is a clear no on the list of things you shouldn’t do. Even Kazutora was aware of
that.

When Kazutora read the manga this time he made a point to make notes on what he wanted to talk
about. By the third time he’d read it he had a page full of things to tell Chifuyu about it. It felt
silly, writing all those things down for someone who’d probably already noticed them and spoken
with them to someone else. He was just going to be making Chifuyu have a repeated conversation
by doing this, but that’s what he seemed to want. Or rather he wanted to know Kazutora’s thoughts
on it specifically to judge him further.

Some kind of horribly put together test that Kazutora had no way of passing or even knowing if he
did pass. He wondered what kind of response Chifuyu would give if he had given a good enough
observation or said something correctly. He’d never praise him for it, not in a way that would
make him like him. It was pointless, and he’d do it for Chifuyu. Can you see it? I’m helping you
help yourself the way you wanted.

June 30th, 2009

Matsuno Chifuyu,

I received volume three a little over two weeks ago. I have a lot of thoughts on it so bare with me.
The second protagonist is ruining their relationship, I guess I see why you were so into the first
because at least they haven’t completely up and left. It was such an odd choice for the story to
take. There was no rhyme or reason for them to have done that, I thought everything with them
was going well and then it took such a turn. I’d really thought this was going to be a happy
story… it was happy.

The colors I mentioned in one of the other letters continued though. I was impressed by that kind
of. Or, I thought it was a good thing for them to add. Oh! I like the mirroring with the other side
relationship and the. The mangaka does a good job I think, it’s really well thought through. I
don’t know how I feel about this volume compared to the other ones though.

The protagonist you like, did you see their eyes change throughout the story? That was such an
odd touch, I don’t get what the point of that was. Everyone seems more and more disheveled as
the story progresses as well. I’m sure that this all makes sense once you read it all but I can’t help
but think it was just unnecessary to make them fall apart like they did. Maybe I was just hoping
they would be happier sooner than they are.
Oh, I forgot to mention this, I don’t have my list with me as I write this so I guess I don’t have
everything I want to say memorized. I’ll just add it later… but how did you feel about the blues and
yellows in the story. I think I assumed most love stories would have reddish undertones but this
one reminded me of the sea. It was all too peaceful or stormy depending on which color started to
show more. When it was all yellow they were basking in light and they could show off their grasp
on their own style (I think they use a lot of light to show emotion or something) and then it’d
change to this blue which was calmer until it took over most of the page and it all seemed dark.
Maybe I’m reading into it.

Those are my thoughts, if you wanted them. Otherwise we can change topics.

-Kazutora

Always ending with hesitance when he wasn’t bursting with a self righteous attitude as he had over
half a year ago. Never letting it go himself.

Chifuyu was having a hard time. That was mentioned in Mitsuya’s last letter with no other context
to it. He’d let Kazutora know plainly not to worry if he’d changed how he wrote in his letters or
spoke less because he was simply ‘having a hard time.’ There was nothing to be done of that or to
say to it when he knew he wasn’t a part of whatever was going on in his head. Mitsuya knew of it,
he would do something.

It was difficult to imagine what Chifuyu having a hard time even looked like. He’d seen it before
but that wasn’t a ‘hard time’ that was heartbreak and remembrance and devastating. A ‘hard time’
meant something else, at least it did in Kazutora’s mind. He wondered if Chifuyu was crying or
angry wherever he was or how long it had been since he’d fallen into said hard time.

Being outside of every loop imaginable while locked away meant really all Kazutora knew of
anything was from the letters he’d received. He couldn’t help but think, would I have even known
Chifuyu was in a bad place if Mitsuya hadn’t said anything? Probably not. What a
disappointingly correct statement that was. He wouldn’t have figured it out. He could tell Chifuyu
was on edge but he’d assumed it was his own fault. Once again Kazutora had made something
about himself.

For less than six more years he was in this sort of dark fishbowl secluded in some corner. People
barely cared to look into it but he could never see out. A sad existence but a necessary one, he’d be
worse off without it. As long as he reminded himself that this was the necessary consequence, that
it was his choice, that it was his fault he couldn’t mind it. There were a lot of things Kazutora
chose not to mind.

In his fishbowl Chifuyu came most often. Chifuyu who was struggling outside of his fishbowl and
still making time to visit with his words. He was an idiot telling Kazutora he was helping himself
and forcing himself to send letters when he was unwell. Baji can wait. He knew better than
anyone that Baji would wait for him to be in a better place. Don’t take his wish to be the most
important thing you do. Kazutora wanted him to take care of himself, whatever that meant.

His letters were stiff and rushed like he had no time to do it or his brain was scattered when he did.
When something was so obviously wrong he didn’t know what to do. All he would do was notice
it. The latest letter felt cold. Kazutora remembered feeling warm once when he thought of
Chifuyu, this was whatever the direct opposite was. It stuck to him, his fingers, his face, his
stomach it was all cold. When he read that letter he felt frozen in place, helpless with nothing to do
and no good response to give. His words were lost and his mind went blank from it all. The
emotional cold was numbing and he wondered if Chifuyu felt it all too.

November 10th, 2009

Hanemiya Kazutora,

Ten letters. That’s ten weeks I failed at my job, they were so plain, so untrying, Baji-san would
have been so disappointed. I wasn’t even trying, did you see that? I know Mitsuya told you. I can
just picture your face when you read that, “Chifuyu is having a hard time right now.” Did you
think it was pathetic of me to let it affect all this? I truly couldn’t even remember what you were
writing in your letters when I went to respond. They were probably all nonsense.

Can you get rid of them for me, Hanemiya? Those last ten letters, throw them away and I’ll just
continue where we left off. Is that dramatic? I feel like some kind of hysterical mother writing this,
when I look back at my words that’s how it sounds. I’m calm right now, that’s not important but I
am. Do your hands shake when you write to me? My hands are shaking.

It had nothing to do with you. I've convinced myself of that so no matter what you think later this
one thing. This isn’t your fault. Promise me you know that.

God, I’ll send something less awful when I calm down. Maybe I’ll just send a second letter for this
week so this doesn’t count. I’ll send you something soon.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

He didn’t find out till over a month later from Draken what wasn’t his fault. And now he couldn’t
find himself to keep that promise he’d written out. Chifuyu was so set on telling him not to blame
himself but really what was he trying to do? It was his fault, Chifuyu must have known that.

Baji Keisuke’s mother had been brought to the hospital for attempted suicide. That was his fault.
Kazutora had done that. Even locked away he was killing people. How could Chifuyu who knows
better than anyone what he’d done to everyone tell him it wasn’t his fault. She wasn’t dead,
Draken had said that that was all that mattered. She’d wanted to be though, she wanted to die,
she’d tried it.

In some ways Kazutora was glad he didn’t know exactly what she’d done to try and commit. He
couldn’t have handled that. He can barely handle this. There was nothing he could do about,
nothing he could say to try and make it better. All his life he’ll be reaping the repercussions of his
actions and watching it unfold in different ways. And still he couldn’t follow his own rules, his
 own promises as he cried.

Kazutora found himself crying at a lot of things but this was the newest of his repercussions. The
corner of his cell was the often choice where he could tuck his head into the wall with the rest of
his body in a sort of call gripping furiously at his uniform crying as quietly as he could. Choked
sobs formed unintentionally, “What am I supposed to do now Baji. I’m so-” his voice cut off
when he realized what words were going to come out of his mouth. He fell into heavy breathing
and his throat tightened at the thought.

His eyes were wide filled to the brim with tears. He was sorry but those words are not his to say.
He could only repeat them over and over in his head and tear at his skin. There was nothing to be
done anymore, everyone was in pain because of him, that was a fact. It was only that night that he
would fall asleep in the corner of his room and be woken by his own pitiful nightmares.

Chapter End Notes

I've never been so glad to be ahead in my work so I can write this. I saw this Kazufuyu
art that pushed me to want to continue really soon for this so I've just posted too many
times in a row.

Anyways, I love reading all your comments. I'm so glad you all like this :)
 Chapter 10
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

For too long he’d thought Matsuno Chifuyu would be his most harmful loose end. Everyone else
had gone to forgiveness, everyone important that is. He was all that was left to mourn. Only once
had Chifuyu really spoken about Baji’s mother and he never heard about her again. He’d ruined
her life. That was a heavy weight to bear. One he never had to look at but knew was there.

It was true that the only reason he’d thought of Chifuyu so intently and constantly was because
he’d made it that way. Chifuyu made Kazutora think of him constantly whether he meant to do it
or not. He’d ingrained himself into Kazutora’s livelihood as a sort of curse. And that curse had
pushed for him not to blame himself. It was almost out of character, almost. He was so desperate
in that letter.

Kazutora knew he must have caused Chifuyu a lot of strain even in not talking to him and outside
of his own personal feelings toward Kazutora and what he'd done. Just by choosing to keep
contact with Kazutora he must have gotten backlash or questions. Still he didn’t understand why
Chifuyu had chosen to suffer as he had.

It was only months later that Kazutora understood to some extent what Chifuyu had gone through
in that incident. And still he knew it was all his fault whether Chifuyu would let him think or say it
allowed in his heart he knew it was true. Baji’s mother would be working her normal job
complaining about her kid getting into fights and coming home to poorly cooked food by her awful
cook of a son if he hadn’t ruined it all. Ruin is such a simple word for the atrocity he'd committed.
Cakes can be ruined, grade averages can be ruined, dresses can be ruined… Kazutora had killed
someone, that is unforgivable.

Only a handful of times had he ever actually seen Baji’s mother. The last was at his sentencing
where she was asked to testify. He’d blocked it entirely out of his memory or at least tried not to
focus on it during that first year. She’d cried so much, he had never felt truly hated by another
person till he saw her face. That’s her son he’d killed, that was all she had left that he’d taken, how
was she supposed to live now, how dare he. How dare he, how dare he, how dare he…

It was then that he could barely remember her face anymore. Baji Keisuke's mother lived in the
deepest part of his mind as a whole person but all he could remember were fragments and pieces of
what he thought she used to be. By now she must have been out of the hospital, he wondered what
she was doing at the moment. Chifuyu probably visited her while she was in the hospital, Chifuyu
and his mother both.

Could a seventeen year old really hold that much weight on his shoulders. It was still at the end of
the day Kazutora’s fault that Chifuyu was dealing with so much even outside of what he felt. What
kind of emotions might Matsuno Chifuyu feel in this situation? He came back to the words ‘hard
time’. Was he stressed or scared? He didn’t seem like the type of person who was good at
consoling someone or even calming them down. How did Chifuyu feel right now?

All in a short few minutes Kazutora would be taken into what he might like to think of as one of his
worst case scenarios. All following along the lines of extreme discomfort. Comfort was not a
luxury Kazutora felt he could have been given at this point nor wanted but there was a certain level
to which he thought he could manage at any given time. He was about to go well over that level.

He falls into being completely mute for a little less than a week after. Call it trauma response.

January 2010, he was being called out again, he’d assumed Chifuyu must have sent him
something. With the direction they were going it must have been that. They continued on to a
different private room than the one he’d seen those few times. His mind began to race on the
different possibilities for what was going on. Looking to the guard who was different this time,
he’d felt more unsafe immediately by that fact alone. The tiles are different. The paint on this
door is darker. There’s bullet proof glass, for what? Kazutora’s mind began racing. He couldn’t
stop his brain from coming up with answers onto what was going on.

“You have an hour.” Kazutora’s eyes flicked up to the guard’s. He was leading him to the door
and Kazutora’s panic set it. Hey had to tell him what he was doing before hand, he can’t just say
nothing, that cant be allowed. He opened the door to the room, “Special meeting with the victim’s
relative and guest as a requested meeting, on account of good behavior Hanemiya Kazutora is not
handcuffed, if anything seems to be an issue the guards watching from behind that window will
come to an immediate assist. Mother of one Baji Keisuke and guest Matsuno Chifuyu. Hanemiya
you are free to enter the room.”

And his eyes went wide, the room was cold as he stepped slowly. The walls were an awful cold
grey color and everything but the metal chairs and table in the center of the room followed suit.
There was a large glass window on one side as well as one on the door from where he’d come in.
It reminded him of the police station. That window being double sided doesn’t even give fake
privacy if they’re just announcing it… just make it see through.

He was trying terribly hard not to look in the direction he had before. He sat down with his eyes on
the table. Both Baji’s mom and Chifuyu were staring coldly at him. When he walked into the
room he’d seen Chifuyu look nervous, over the past three years he’d spent talking to Chifuyu he’d
never seemed nervous before. Kazutora couldn’t put together a coherent thought onto why
Chifuyu had come with her. He clearly didn’t want to be there, he was forcing himself again.

It took all he had to bring his eyes up to meet them both. Baji’s mother was a tall lady with dark
and smooth black hair, she had an uncanny resemblance to her son minus the teeth. She wore
makeup, he could see that much, he wasn’t sure if she needed to considering she must have looked
fine without it and considering where they were. She must have come for work was the logical
conclusion and Chifuyu… had he skipped school? It was a week day and close to earlier in the
day, he was definitely skipping.

Was he shaking? He could feel his nails digging into his thighs trying to calm himself down and
all he could think was ‘at least I can feel it’. It was taking all he had not to fall into full blown
panic. If he did that he might stop listening when they spoke and that was not allowed. He kept
himself calm, only his hands were shaking, if that was all it was then he could get through this.
It’s only an hour.

Finally he was looking at them, he couldn’t figure out why that was hard for him. He was looking
at her before but he couldn’t see it, her eyes. Was he meeting her eyes? He wasn’t meeting
Chifuyu’s. There was something in him telling Kazutora not to make eye contact with Chifuyu,
whatever would happen if he did he did not know. Looking into her eyes she was shallow, not in
her own depth as a person but in her depth right then and there. She was not fueled with rage but
terrible heart wrenching sadness. That’s your fault.

Kazutora knew there were certain things in visits you were not allowed to say or do. Many things
that had to be tiptoed around. Whatever she had to say to him he knew would not be all she had to
say but it might be the only time he’ll get to hear it. He couldn’t grasp her choosing to be here, the
timing of it all, he didn’t understand.

“He would have been eighteen in November.” Kazutora’s eyes blew wide. That was right, Baji
Keisuke was fourteen. Baji Keisuke would always be fourteen, for him time had stopped. Even if
Kazutora grew old, even when Chifuyu turned grey, when he graduated school he’d be talking to
the grave of a fourteen year old.

His mother was cold and calm and the longer she would stare back at Kazutora her eyes filled with
more and more tears. Her shoulders had an ever so slight shake to them, Kazutora knew she was
trying just as he was to hold it together. The words came back from the trial. An hour, that wasn’t
long enough for what she needed to say.

Her mouth turned to a grimace as she broke out with her next words. “I don’t understand. He
didn’t tell me what he wanted for his eighteenth. It’s a big year… eighteen. You’re nineteen aren’t
you Hanemiya? You know eighteen is a big year for someone. He wanted a cat. I told him no
every single year before that but he always let them in to feed them. I was going to give him one
on his eighteenth. He could have taken it when he moved out. God he wanted a cat so bad. So I
don’t understand why I wasn’t giving him a cat in November?” She went through it all without
choking on any of her words, they were like ice. He could feel them freezing on his skin, burning
into his mind. It was becoming more and more clear that he was holding his breath. His breath out
was shaky.

When you're trying not to cry, you hold your breath, you keep your eyes wide, you focus on
anything else. Kazutora was so focused on her though, he wanted to cry so bad but for once the
tears wouldn’t come and that was sad on it’s own.

Baji wanted a cat. He’d talked about it dozens of times before, he always thought it was an
apartment rule till he met Chifuyu. His mom just wouldn’t let him have one it turned out, he was
irresponsible and could barely take care of himself. That was what she said, Kazutora had heard it
all in a letter or six. “I can’t go anywhere, I can’t do anything without thinking of him. Do you
know what that’s like, Hanemiya? Do you know what it’s like not to say goodbye? I just want my
son back, I…” Her last words came out just barely, she was pushing her words out through her
tears. They were so heavy and there were no tissues, she just sat there devastated, hating Kazutora
for what he did and knowing words weren’t enough to do what she wanted. “He was such a good
boy. Keisuke, god I love him, I love him so much. I don’t have anything else, I just want to hold
him. I want to come home to terrible food and have him burn me cds with music I don’t like. He
should be telling me about Mikey. He loved you so much and… and he’s gone.”

Oh. Millions of made up speeches and people yelling at him in his head and this, this was what it
was like when it was real. That was her son. Is this what parents act like when they lose their
children? She didn’t yell once. He wanted her to get mad but this, he knew this was worse. This,
this drowned him in his emotions in everything that had happened and her, he had no words for her.
Nothing he would say was enough. She was right, he didn’t know how she felt. She shouldn’t
have had to say goodbye, she didn’t get to say goodbye.

Chifuyu stayed silent next to her, he pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to her
silently. He must have brought that knowing what would happen. His eyes flickered to Chifuyu
for just a moment just to see his expression. There was no present expression except for a tired,
defeated look plastered on his face, a practiced look. He must have hated Kazutora more than ever
right then.

She cried for a long time before regaining her voice. God, it was so shaky, it was so pained. “He
was so kind, Keisuke was so kind. He wanted everyone to say he’d done it himself. If he’d done it
himself… we wouldn’t be here right now. I don’t know what he did… you never said what he
did… on the stand you didn’t say. What could he have done Hanemiya? I’m just… I’m lost.”
That was meant in a lot of ways.

Baji Keisuke’s mother was falling through unimaginable pain, unimaginable loss. And as she
stared deeping into Kazutora’s heart it became more and more his fault that she cried, that she
grieved. It was so real looking at her, she was so vivid and clear in his mind. Her flushed face
from all her tears was real. The nights she lost to her heartbreak was real. And he could see that
now.

It’s easy to forget people’s emotions when you don’t have to see them, easy to think you remember
what someone looks like when it’s been a few years, it’s easy to pretend you understand till it’s
shoved in your face. His brain is screaming at him, telling him to watch her cry. It’s telling him to
remember her shoulders shaking, her hair falling into her face and stick there. That was once a
woman of such grace.

He couldn’t keep his eyes on her much more, back to the table for only a moment. When he
looked back to her she stood up, she was shaking as she held the table. “Chifuyu, I think… I think
I’m going to go home now. Thank you for coming with me.” Now all he was doing was watching
Chifuyu as he turned in his chair to see her fully.

“Of course Ma’am, I’d like to stay for a few moments. Please get home safely.” She nodded, not
sparing a glance to Kazutora and headed shakily to the door. Her cries were softer as she held them
back when getting to the door.

Chifuyu and he sat staring at the table even after she left the door. Kazutora then realized he was
crying, he was supposed to last but all he could do was cry, looking at the plain metal table under
him, gripping at his chair now his hands fully harmed from his nails. He could feel Chifuyu’s eyes
move to him following his shoulders as they shook up and down.

He was soft when he spoke, not to be kind but he was just in pain at that moment. Chifuyu was
doing it all on his own. “Hanemiya.” He kept his eyes on the table when he spoke. “Hanemiya
look at me.” His watery eyes met Chifuyu’s eyes and he could finally tell it was Chifuyu who was
trying to hold it together the most. His eyes were tearing up but nothing rained down his cheeks.
“I would have told you if I knew she wanted to come.”

Kazutora wanted to stop crying in front of Chifuyu so badly, he wanted Chifuyu to let him look
away to let him wipe his tears on his sleeve, anything. “I know.” He was looking at him so
intently, that wasn’t concern in Chifuyu’s eyes. For a moment he was terrified that Chifuyu had
held concern toward him, he could barely handle his own tears let alone Chifuyu’s expressions.

“She asked me to come with her. I was her moral support. That’s all. I wanted to tell you about
something but it looks like now is not a good time for you. Hanemiya I don’t have another
handkerchief so you have got to stop crying.” The most forced and pained smile crossed his lips
for a moment as he sighed looking at Kazutora. That, that was pity.

Kazutora rubbed furiously at his eyes. He’d screwed up, he was crying in front of Chifuyu. He
wasn’t supposed to do that, he’d said he wouldn’t do that. “I’m stopping. Sorry, I’m- I’m- I’m…
I’m stopping.” He’d said it, Kazutora… how dare he.

This was the panic he’d warned himself about. He just needed to listen to Chifuyu. He was
begging himself to listen. “Don’t force yourself. Hanemiya, I’ll just send you a letter on what I
wanted to say. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before.” Kazutora went to shake his head, to tell him it
was okay but Chifuyu stopped him, “What did I say.” His voice was straightforward.

He stopped. That warning wasn’t for him, the words were for Chifuyu. He was warning himself
not to continue. This meeting had not been kind to him. It was Chifuyu who was forcing himself
to be there and listen to it all. Kazutora had only heard it once, he imagined Chifuyu had heard it
hundreds of times. He couldn’t become numb to those words as much as he tried.

When Chifuyu left he was guided back to his cell to break down completely. The walk back had
felt so short, he was barely aware of his surroundings till he was on his bed clenching and
unclenching his hands around air sobbing, choking on his own breath, there wasn’t enough air in
the world at that moment. He held his fists closed so tightly as he buried his head into his knees
shaking uncontrollably. All he wanted to do was stop. He’d cried enough, he’d done enough.

He’d really cried in front of Chifuyu. He couldn’t get over it. What gave him the right to act like
he did in that room. Kazutora didn’t help her healing, he just sat there silently letting her pour her
heart out to him. He did nothing.

February 10th, 2010

Hanemiya Kazutora,

I wanted to say this much earlier or rather I didn’t want to say it at all but it seems more and more
that I should, that I have to. If it had been before the visit that was ideal but I misjudged the time.
That’s my fault.

Hanemiya, it was late October 2009 that we took her to the hospital. She’s not the same person
she was when I’d first met her, there are many things about her that she’s lost within herself.
Before that was a different story, but she's getting help right now. She’s not allowed not to get
help, this was part of her help. Closure, she was told to get some sort of closure with you. So, the
visit.

She didn’t go to the hospital because of you. If I hadn’t made that abundantly clear before. I
didn’t know you knew till Mitsuya told me you were notified. I hadn’t meant to let you know of my
mistake. It was my fault Hanemiya. So for this, you can calm down.

Baji-san’s mother is very important to me, so I can’t let you take ownership over my mistake.

You know how I mean this Hanemiya.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu
 He did know, he knew exactly what Chifuyu had meant. All the way back in November he knew
what Kazutora was thinking. What could have possibly been Chifuyu’s fault about any of it? He
didn’t understand at the time.

Much later in the future Chifuyu would explain what he meant and then and only then would
Kazutora understand how Chifuyu’s 10 years of Kazutora’s obliviousness had gone. His panic, his
fear of the situation would all make sense. Chifuyu was not fond of his own tears but they showed
readily that night.

Chapter End Notes

i thought this would take much longer to put out but I had almost four hours where I
had to wait for something so I finished this instead. I feel like I should just be letting
you all know this will end happily- I swear it's hurt/comfort...
Also, I didn't read over this chapter's dialogue almost at all so if it's wrong my
apologies
Thank you for reading, sorry I update at weird times though
 Chapter 11
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Skinner’s theory of Operant Conditioning in short is the theory that learning occurs through the
action of reward or punishments for behavior. It’s a very practiced theory that many people can
use even on accident. It’s a very useful theory when used ethically. On the other hand examples of
classical conditioning can be used to initiate an automatic fear response in many cases.

Hanemiya Kazutora has many conditioned fear responses that he cannot as much as he tries, get
rid of. Matsuno Chifuyu has unintentionally, and Kazutora himself has being a dual response of
safety and fear in their relationship. Letting go of his response to Chifuyu is something he’s found
harder than he imagined.

There’s a sort of fear that comes along with Chifuyu’s face and letters that Kazutora had been
slowly trying to overcome with each response he gave. He felt that his own response to him most
likely worsened not only Chifuyu’s image of him but also the development of any healing Chifuyu
might be trying to pull off for himself. Recently his letters have been mostly nothing to be nervous
of and yet the thought of ‘this time it will be different’ circulates his brain. The thought of ‘this
time’ comes when he sees Chifuyu’s face and he can’t help but react to Chifuyu the same way he
did to his own father. To Kazutora his response was to quietly and surely run away.

As much as his body had screamed that at him from the beginning and he had mostly done exactly
that when not responding he now had a secondary urge to face Chifuyu. His letters were not angry,
he reminded himself. Only Chifuyu was trying in their relationship to get to know Kazutora, which
was only partly true. Maybe he’d tried a lot more and actively but Kazutora in his own slightly
pathetic way had tried as well.

In fact Kazutora had tried this entire past month to fight his own urges and for once he asked for
help if he could call this that. Kazutora was approved for counseling, slightly rare due to the
number of inhabitants. The onsite counseling was most usually used for people’s last few years, or
last year in prison but in certain cases if it is asked of seeing a counselor can be used to lessen your
sentence depending on what it is. Kazutora would not be able to lessen his sentence but it would
count toward good behavior for special privileges. Including extended visitation times upon
request.

His first time there was nothing short of awful and yet he endured it for his own purposes of
improving himself. That was his goal along with finally making himself not run away and doing
something for himself… most for himself.

So he sat in the only room with soft chairs and painted walls with a slim woman sporting a bob cut
across from him. He was only so wary of her and her comically large round frames, all he could
think when he saw her was that he’d never seen such a large pair of glasses, it was cartoony.
Before she said anything else, introductions or otherwise she looked up to Kazutora and smiled.
She seemed warmer than everyone else in the place, “You like my glasses?” Ah, so she had
noticed him staring.

He nodded shortly, his eyes immediately looking down after being caught, “Yes Ma’am.” He
wasn’t sure if he had liked them but they’d made him laugh in his head so Kazutora felt he should
just agree.
She widened her smile only a bit and then became more serious as she looked at her paper, “You
know Hanemiya, most people don’t usually request to be seen by anyone unless they’re forced.
Did you want to talk about anything with me?” That was something he was also unsure about.
They’d given him the option, he’d known and now he had nothing to say to her. Surely she already
knew who he was and why he was here, it must have been in the folder next to her.

“I’m not sure… no. Nothing specific really.” He was playing with his fingers as he spoke trying to
calm down his nervousness built on how unprepared he was for this. He’d seen a counselor before,
yes but in Juvie. Kazutora had only ever lied to his counselors before. This time he wasn’t
completely sure he wanted to, he’d told himself he would repent, this would count he thought.

The counselor flipped through the folder next to her after hearing his response. “Your file was
given to me after you had a scheduled visitation with someone, is that right?” Before waiting for
his response she continued reading and nodded, “That’s right… So during the visitation,
Hanemiya, how were you feeling?”

Kazutora’s face dropped at that question. He hadn’t been asked that in a very long time, he wasn’t
even sure how to answer to someone like her. “Scared I think… I was scared.”

She and he went back and forth with Kazutora’s emotions on the visitation. He was scared, he was
nervous, he felt guilty, he wanted to cry, he was frustrated. He was taken aback by what she said, it
was written all over his face that she was wrong. “No, umm I’m not his friend.” It was then that
he would have to explain if only slightly what exactly the two of them were to each other, all
chalked up to the counselor's final thought of them ‘healing together’.

Everything he said was discredited to her believing they were healing together but Kazutora wasn’t
healing at all. If you call being unable to form tears more and more after crying almost everyday
for a year and having terrifying nightmares every time he falls asleep healing, then sure. Sure,
being terrified of Chifuyu was healing, and second guessing everything he did for Kazutora, that
was healing.

The process was not enjoyable and not frequent. He’d been twice this month and he would get to
go twice more next month. He’d only be there for about half an hour each time but Kazutora felt
anxious to go, he was anticipating the next visit and none of that in a poor way. Kazutora honestly
had wanted to go. She out of anyone would not judge him for what he had to say and would listen
to his words. He desperately needed someone to listen to his words whether he understood that
right then or not.

His visitations would only help so much in the end. Once Kazutora left prison the tools he had
were only so applicable and words were only so helpful. Matsuno Chifuyu no longer put him in a
state of fear however. Nervousness was a different story.

As of late Chifuyu and Kazutora had started a back and forth at the end of their letters. They’d ask
a question about the other and expect a response in the next. Chifuyu always seemed to have good,
more playful (if he could call it that) questions. Kazutora’s were probably textbook bland, he truly
just did not know what to ask. He had lots of things he might have wanted to know about Chifuyu
if he had a list but for now they were just incredibly lame.

May 14th, 2010

Hanemiya Kazutora,

I tried to draw that picture you made from memory a few days ago. Do you remember the one I’m
talking about? The one with the boy on top of the building. I was trying to remember what it
looked like. Mitsuya brought something up to me, he said he found some of your old sketches. It
looks like you helped him design a long time ago… He was talking about it and I told him I’d seen
something you did. It’s funny how hard it is to explain what your drawings look like to me,
everything else had a feeling a good description. I was so lost for words I just tried to explain with
what must be the worst picture.

If you saw it maybe you’d laugh at me. I don’t think you’ve ever done that actually, you don’t
laugh much. Maybe you would if you saw it, it was really just the worst. Takemitchy thought so
too. Whatever, if I got my point across to Mitsuya it was fine. He said he would have liked to see it
at some point. So I guess I’m telling you so he can hold you to it later.

Draken and Mitsuya talk about you to me. Did you know that? I see them write their letters to you
together sometimes, they seem to care for you a lot. For whatever reason I assumed you talked to
them as much as you write to me but they said it’s not as much. Shockingly less actually.

This looks like I have nothing to say, doesn’t it? About what you said last time in your letter. I
don’t know if I know how to answer your question. Going back and forth with the questions… I
don’t know if I know what to say this time. I don’t know what I want to be when I graduate
anymore, not really anyways. I’ll just tell you when I do it, so this isn’t unanswered and I can ask
you my question instead.

If you could have one thing with you that you don’t currently have and would be attainable then
what would it be?

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

The answer is nothing. Kazutora wants nothing at all, for the most part. That and truly he could
not think of anything. He spent the whole week thinking about what it is he could possibly be
wanting to have and landed on nothing. Though, he knows if he says ‘nothing’ there will be an
unpleasant response from Chifuyu. So now he sits with a list of unpleasantly boring and terribly
uninteresting things that he definitely cannot write an entire letter on as it gets closer and closer to
him needing to just suck it up and choose something.

And so he does he chooses something and it sounds stupid, god it sounds stupid a hundred times
over. He is sure Chifuyu must find him the most unimaginitive, unintelligible person he’s ever
met when he reads this. But he wrote it and it was awkward and true and everything Kazutora
hates about writing to Chifuyu. He hates it because it makes him feel small and helpless and the
worst thing about the question is that it made him feel needy.
He’s only ever felt needy from two people and not once did he not feel horribly pathetic for it. He
needed Mikey and he needed Baji but where are they now? When they were with him they
preached dependency and reliability but deep in him he wanted not to take it because in the end it
would make him feel worse. This would make him feel worse, his reliance on Chifuyu made him
feel worse. It reminded him of them but the question reminded him of the gifts. Not only that but
in their own way the letters were a gift or redemption and sanity.

All that but hell if he didn’t answer. Kazutora found the smallest of things to overcome and maybe
he felt worse for it after but Chifuyu’s answer would not make him feel as small or helpless or any
of that because truly what he was missing was Chifuyu’s motive. He would understand that later.

May 20th, 2010

Matsuno Chifuyu,

You’re kind of funny, but no I wouldn’t laugh at you. Whatever you drew probably isn’t bad even if
you think it is. I don’t think art really works that way. Someone’s gotta like it so maybe I like your
piece even if I never see it. And yeah, Mitsuya and Draken don’t send me stuff as much as you do.
They send me stuff when they think of it and when they have something to say you’re more…
(consistent). I couldn’t find the right word.

For the question… I think I spent too long thinking about this. I won’t lie to you and tell you it was
easy or that I can stand by what I thought of because if you saw my list you’d think it was stupid
too. Seriously brain numbingly stupid. There’s not much I want or can really picture being in my
hands if that makes sense.

I want to write something down and I don’t have the words for it most of the time but I want it on
paper. Just, to look back at what I said or felt at the time because I guess at the moment I’m just
sending all my thoughts to you. So you have all my words. If I could just write them down and
keep them so I wouldn’t forget then that would be good.

A notebook or something like that. That’s my answer. I warned you about it being boring though
so don’t be too disappointed.

Please.

Matsuno-san, you said you have a job or you did when I asked. What do you have a job as?

Do you like it, Matsuno-san?

-Kazutora

He imagined Chifuyu laughing over his letter. Kazutora was unreasonably embarrassed over it.
There was no reason to be, truly Chifuyu had barely ever laughed at him before and only in person
so it was all unwarranted.
Chifuyu responded to his letter ignoring what he’d said to talk about his job. He worked at a pet
store, when he said the name Kazutora knew what he was talking about. His job was good, he
really liked the animals there and the lady he worked for was very nice. He went to elaborate on
how he would bring in his cat sometimes to see the store because his boss liked him so much. It
was almost like bragging about his cat but Kazutora enjoyed it anyway. The letter was all
completely positive. He couldn’t help but want to smile at it.

It was at the end of June that Kazutora got called out again. After the last time he was increasingly
nervous to be called outside of visiting hours. Instead of the other visitation room they went to one
he was more familiar with. This was the room he’d gotten those two other gifts from Chifuyu.

All he did was take what they gave him. He held them in his hands and without looking down
waited till he was back on his bed to look at what he had. There were two things and he was
almost smiling while looking at them. The first was a notebook or rather a journal. It was a
leather bound black book with quite a lot of pages. The book was already opened from whatever
packaging it might have had and when he looked inside there was a note on the cover page.

Hanemiya,

It’s not stupid to want things. Use this and write something for yourself. If all you can do is have
one thing then ask for it. Ask without hesitation. If it’s tangible, if it helps to have it, then ask.
Even if it’s just a notebook.

-Chifuyu

The other and much larger of the two was a slightly used but overall pretty looking dictionary.
This one made much less sense than the other and maybe more confusing. Just like the other, the
inside had a note. It was not written on directly and instead had a note taped into the cover.

Hanemiya,

I can’t have all your words, now can I?

-Chifuyu

The last note had Kazutora a second and third glance at it. Chifuyu was teasing him. There wasn’t
much Chifuyu did to hold back between them but he had never teased him before. Somehow he
really liked that note though. The words were warm. Chifuyu was being warm.

It was some uncharted territory they were stepping into. It was as if Chifuyu was tentatively
stepping over and giving the book to Kazutora as a sort of hesitant ‘is this okay, does this feel
okay’ to him. He knew he’d have to say something about it to Chifuyu about the notebook and
about the dictionary. Whatever he said would be taken as his response to whether it was okay or
not.

That all made him nervous and yet when he looked at the notes he saw how kind Chifuyu was
being to him just then. He really was something else. Putting his own feelings aside or no…
 trying to change his own feelings all this time was something Kazutora was beginning to realize he
might never understand. It was distant but Chifuyu’s flame was burning brighter.

He was smiling. There was nothing he could do to help it but it was small and you might not catch
it if you looked but his eyes were soft and he was smiling at Chifuyu’s words. The dictionary he
hadn’t expected to come and the journal he’d spoken about. There were words he wanted to say
and he had somewhere to put them. All the loose papers he’d torn out from his sketchbook to
make lists (4 pages) would not be needed because he could finally write his words down.

If he could put it all into words then that would be for himself. There would be something left at
the end of him that was left behind if he wrote in it. No matter what he did there was always going
to be something left behind whether it was paper or blood. So his words would be smooth and his
own because they were for no one else.

He flipped to the first page on the notebook and just stared at the clean and new paper in front of
him. His first thing he was going to write in the book. Kazutora decided against the first page,
figuring something longer would go there and went back to the cover page of the book. There he
wrote right under Chifuyu’s own words.

Thank you Matsuno.

He’d never see it and Kazutora felt that was okay. He could just say thank you as many times as
he opened the journal if he wrote it on the cover.

Chapter End Notes

I got excited when I realized what this chapter was supposed to be. I will progress
them at a weird and rocky pace because they are weird and rocky and I cannot imagine
them literally any other way.

Also I have so many thoughts on Kazutora having a little albert type response to
certain things because of his past abuse so please enjoy my dumb psychology input on
him.

Thank you for reading :)

 Chapter 12
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Kazutora felt like thanking Chifuyu many times for what he’d done and giving him something to
feel warm about before the wave of heartache that would arrive to him in only a couple of months.
It was always September when he started to feel the worst. His birth month was nothing but canon
fodder to October. Maybe to someone else it would have been funny or ironic how quickly
Kazutora seemed to flip through his emotions but events could not be changed and he would
simply just have to sit and watch.

There was this quick little reminder at the end of Mitsuya’s last letter. So unharmful and
unintentional, in fact he’d quite literally meant it as a positive reminder and Kazutora just fell apart
at it. ‘You’re almost half way.’ He’d said, ‘See you when you get out’ or something like it at the
end too. It was simply meant in an almost congratulatory, positive way, he was being, if you could
call it, supportive.

All that and it had wrongly sent Kazutora into a depressive episode. The last five years had felt
like an eternity to him, they’d been forever. It was as if all the air had been sucked out of his lungs
and he was breathing water. ‘What do you mean five years?’ He surely knew the dates, he had it
all recorded in paper letters, there was a large calendar in the dining hall as well but the realization
of time hadn’t quite hit him.

He’d always felt as if the ten years he was sentenced wouldn’t be enough, it could never be
enough. Many times before he’d thought that he couldn’t actually picture himself leaving and that
was true now more than ever. Five more years… five more years is forever. He couldn’t quite
comprehend the time.

There was nothing he could do to stop the panic that spread throughout him at those thoughts. I
can’t be alone for five more years. That was five years he wasn’t dead. Kazutora had thought
relief might come sooner but it had just been dragging out as painfully and slowly as ever. He
didn’t quite have the words for the sick feelings in his stomach.

After all this time he was really just half way. Truly Kazutora could not comprehend how his heart
twisted at that thought. Five years, he wasn’t sure how he could live through five more years.

Twenty five. He had to make it to twenty five. There were so many things he’d only thought of
briefly only to have them come back at him full force. Twenty five felt incredibly old to Kazutora
when he went in at fifteen and right now it feels so far away. Him at nineteen, could never be
twenty five. It would go too slowly and he’d suffer too much before then.

Then he’d remind himself why he was there. He just had to keep reminding himself why he was
there and then eventually he could stop being so scared of the time. Baji, I’m fixing myself and it
hurts.

And just as it happened in every terrible meltdown Kazutora had, Chifuyu would unknowingly pop
up and be there to request visitation, to send him a letter to do anything that reminded him to keep
breathing. Last time it was the notebook, the time before he’d visited him and taken that awful
drawing with him, it was always something. It was completely unintentional too, Chifuyu had no
way of knowing Kazutora’s state of panic and yet, suddenly he was there once more and Kazutora
was being called out to see him.
It was always Chifuyu and, “You have two visitors today.” And someone else.

He walked through the door to see Chifuyu in his usual spot sitting side by side with whose soft
lavender hair color he could only identify with Mitsuya. Chifuyu sat kicking his feet as Mitsuya
spoke to him in his own soft voice, not allowing Kazutora to hear anything till he was flush against
the table and then sitting down.

Kazutora hadn’t actually seen Mitsuya since Bloody Halloween, the top of his wait was a little bit
longer now and it looked like maybe he’d recently decided to let it grow out. Their fall esc.
clothing made it look as if they’d gone out somewhere previously because Kazutora knew Chifuyu
didn’t have a habit of dressing up to come see him. He looked back and forth at the two of them
expectedly. Mitsuya had a soft smile toward him and Chifuyu looked almost antsy at it not being
just the two of them and having Mitsuya there.

Instead of waiting for Kazutora, Mitsuya made the first move to speak, “Kazutora, I bet you didn’t
expect me. I asked him to let me come with him, he finally had a matching day free with me that
he planned to visit you.” That made it sound as if he’d been wanting to visit him which made
Kazutora rightly confused. If he was honest he didn’t actually think anyone would visit him, he
barely expected to see Chifuyu and he’d outright explained that he was continually coming to see
Kazutora.

“Yeah… umm, Mitsuya, why exactly are you here?” Mitsuya’s smile split into a small laugh at
Kazutora’s mostly rude sounding question.

The two of them hadn’t lost their flair for speaking with each other. Kazutora didn’t really feel like
holding back if he was talking to Mitsuya. “It’s the thirteenth, isn’t it? You’re what… turning
twenty? God, wait are you turning twenty?” Kazutora gave a confused nod of assurance. “For
your birthday then. I made him bring me for your birthday since he was going anyways.” He
laughed to himself after that, looking to Chifuyu who was buzzing to speak.

Chifuyu had been looking back between Kazutora and Mitsuya anxiously. This was the first time
he’d ever actually seen them talk to each other and Kazutora was noticing him eyeing Kazutora for
any change in expression. “Yeah, so happy twentieth even though it’s in a few days. I hope you
don’t mind me not telling you I was going to bring him. It was kind of a surprise of sorts.”
Mitsuya’s small laughter broke out again at Chifuyu’s need to explain his appearance.

Kazutora was quick to pipe up and ease Chifuyu’s obvious nerves on this being awkward. “I don’t
mind, umm thanks.” He gave the quickest of smiles to Chifuyu before turning back to Mitsuya,
“Your hair is different.” He sounded like he was sweet talking his teacher except he wasn’t, all
he’d done was point it out as he judged Mitsuya’s newer style.

He side eyed Chifuyu ever so slightly to see if he’d relaxed and he had. Kazutora concluded that
Chifuyu was nervous about Mitsuya being there or rather how Kazutora would react to seeing
Mitsuya without warning. His mind flashed back to how he’d cried so heavily last time, Chifuyu
was surely thinking of that as well. He was okay now, this was good, this wasn’t scary.

They broke into conversation, Mitsuya and Kazutora after not having seen each other for so long.
“So is yours. I didn’t believe Chifuyu when he told me, you're back to no highlights.” They’d cut
his hair once a year to hit jaw so it was longer than he’d had it but still not the worst thing they
could have done.

It was almost odd but nostalgic with the two of them finally right across from each other again. He
was just as he was when Kazutora had last seen him. There was nothing different about besides his
hair he felt. Mitsuya would always be Mitsuya.
“And how are Luna and Mana? Are they…” He trailed off wanting to say something and
suddenly not sure if he should bring it up.

Mitsuya understood what he wanted his words to be. “Good. They’re really good. They’re getting
good grades in school.” Kazutora was glad to hear it. He’d been fond of them and the last time
he’d seen them they had been quite small. He didn’t even actually know what they looked like
now. It was a bit of a sad statement once he’s thought it, that they probably had no idea who he
was. They were so young and Kazutora had been gone for quite a while.

Instead of asking what he’d wanted to ask, ( do they remember me?) He asked something more
appropriate to the context of the visit. “And do they still tail Draken around?”

Draken was one of the only people Kazutora more actively heard about and from. There were
many people Kazutora never got to hear about and wasn’t sure were even still around. If he didn’t
hear it from the three of them they might as well have been dead in his eyes since he truly did not
know what they were doing. He heard of Hakkai and Draken and Inui (Draken’s new business
partner), Takemitchy, Hina(?), and of course the two sitting right in front of him. Kazutora knew
nothing.

“Not lately but whenever he’s there I am the second most important guy in their lives. He’s a real
charmer in their eyes unfortunately.” He didn’t wait for Kazutora to respond and switched topics
away from himself. “You know other words from Chifuyu are that he’s made you start drawing
again?” He spared a side glance to Chifuyu.

The statement made Chifuyu choke before going to immediately correct what he said.
“Encouraged. I just… I encouraged.” That was true, Kazutora wasn’t actually made to draw but
it’s not like he would have said no either way, he didn’t mind the distraction.

Kazutora found it a bit amusing watching Chifuyu scramble for his words because of Mitsuya, he
was so uncharacteristically on edge. He wondered how much Chifuyu talked of him to the people
he talked to, if he was brought up in conversation. “Yes, he’s right it was just a push but I draw
sometimes if I think of something or… or if I’m inspired.” He’d tried to find the right words to go
with what he wanted to say before speaking, causing a little uncomfortable pause in his words.

Mitsuya was always smiling at Kazutora’s responses, it looked as if he was truly just happy to see
Kazutora and talk to him but in the back of his mind that hadn’t felt right. The easy Mitsuya spoke
didn’t feel as if he was happy to see Kazutora at all, it had felt like a goodbye.

The conversation they’d been holding was not that of someone catching up with an old friend but
of one you’d give at someone’s death bed or an airport when someone was moving countries and
you didn’t want to say what was necessary. It was a goodbye in all the ways he spoke without
saying the words he meant. Kazutora felt slightly sick in his stomach and continued the
conversation instead. He wondered where Mitsuya was going or if Kazutora had just run out his
usefulness as a friend.

He wanted the thick air that had started to build as they spoke to be gone and he couldn’t help but
dismiss whatever Mitsuya had just said to ask, “Are you… leaving?” Mitsuya’s eyes softened into
a sad look of slight disappointment in himself.

“I’m not leaving. I just wanted to see you before I got busy again. You noticed the letters not
coming as frequently, didn’t you?” He had, Kazutora understood where his importance lay in the
scheme of things in Mitsuya’s life. He’d been trying to hold him higher for too long. Letting go of
Kazutora’s weight to help himself be more productive, to move on in life… he wanted that for
Mitsuya.
And so Kazutora smiled at him instead. He wouldn’t have Mitsuya feeling poorly about leaving
Kazutora behind, he’d already done that to himself all on his own. “I take it you’re going well
starting up then?” Mitsuya nodded softly to him. He did feel bad and that was apparent to
Kazutora. It wasn’t the kind of goodbye Kazutora had thought he’d get but it was one of his better
ones.

Saying goodbye to someone is always painful if you care about them. Even if it’s a gradual fading
out of your friendship, saying goodbye will always hurt the most.

His smile wasn’t genuine, they all knew it. Once again his eyes would drift to Chifuyu who
seemed to be confused by all that had just gone on. It settled in for Kazutora earlier that Mitsuya
wasn’t actually planning to tell him that day and it had clearly not been told to Chifuyu that he was
going to do any of that. He looked slightly upset that Mitsuya had said any of that just now.
Kazutora knew he was just giving his honest answer, that’s all he’d wanted.

The visit was brought down a bit after that and they continued with their regular conversation
ignoring what had just been said. Mitsuya was doing well, that was what mattered. More
questions were asked about Kazutora’s drawing and Mitsuya shared one of his memories of when
he’d first asked Kazutora to draw models for him.

He’d gotten back a really unproportioned person that Mitsuya had laughed at him for initially
before Kazutora took it seriously. They’d never been as close as he had been to some of the others
but someone like Mitsuya was incredibly easy to get along with and like and so Kazutora did. He
thought he was cool when he made things or got along with people, he always did things and made
them look easy while doing them.

It was all just too bittersweet till the end when Chifuyu shooed Mitsuya off slightly early as he’d
taken up largely all the time he would have spent with Chifuyu. So now they sat across from each
other like usual with sour feelings in Kazutora’s stomach and a painful look in Chifuyu’s eyes.
“You know Hanemiya, I’m not going anywhere.” Kazutora hadn’t expected him to start with that.
“Just, I’ll make time. So the letters won’t lessen or stop or anything.”

Kazutora tried to put together what was just said, “Are you trying to make up for what Mitsuya
said?” Chifuyu shook his head. He was clearly wrong.

“No. I’m just not busy. That’s it.” Kazutora understood what he meant. And that was how their
conversation ended before they said goodbye. It wasn’t a sad goodbye, Chifuyu and Kazutora
would never really give each other a final goodbye. Even when they hated each other, when the
world felt like it was coming to an end and everything hurt unbearably so there would never be a
final goodbye for Chifuyu and Kazutora. A continuous promise of ‘next time’ was what they gave
instead.

Mitsuya stayed true to his word and later on he would not see letters from him for quite a while. It
was as if he’d just disappeared like the rest of the people outside of the walls Kazutora was
confined in. He felt like he was mourning a loss, the loss of someone who was still alive. It’s silly
if you look at it like that, Kazutora was mourning the faded friendship and that was okay.

He was sure Mitsuya felt whenever he saw Kazutora again, if he ever planned to see him again that
 they would both be the same as they had been and that time would not have passed. It was a nice
dream he might have been living if that was true. They would grow apart is what would happen.
Kazutora would cheer him on silently from the sideline till his time ran out.

If anything Mitsuya had done him a favor just then by breaking his ties with Kazutora. If Mitsuya
never came back to see him then he would not miss him when he was gone, in fact he wouldn’t
even know Kazutora had died. That was right, this was a very good thing. It had just fallen into
his lap like a gift, this was his present. He should be thanking Mitsuya.

When he thought back on it he remembered how disappointed in himself Mitsuya looked. He

thought he was letting Kazutora down. As much as Kazutora would try and try to say it wasn’t so
it was nothing but true. Mitsuya had disappointed Kazutora in a way. Maybe he’d gotten so used
to being sent letters and being promised by Chifuyu that he’d assumed it would be the same for
everybody. They’d asked after all. Mitsuya had asked to send letters to him, to see him to be
brought back into his life.

Kazutora wondered why at the time. If it was just a long term goodbye or not. Maybe he was
upset. Maybe Kazutora did want to be important. Even if he never said it, even if he ignored it
and pushed it away every time the feeling came up for him.

‘It’s not stupid to want things.’ A few months ago someone had told him that and he’d held onto it
so tightly he might’ve broken the words. He wanted so desperately not to feel stupid and yet he
did. Kazutora wanted someone to stay.

September 13th, 2010

Kazutora- entry one

Mitsuya’s going to leave and I can’t do a thing about it. I felt like holding him down at the door
and asking him to stay or to keep talking to me or to remember me or anything woefully stupid like
that. I hate it. There’s this awful need in my heart that’s asking for someone to stay and I just
keep watching everyone go.

It’s not stupid to want things. I know that, it’s such an obvious thing that holds so much weight in
my mind and I hate that he puts it there sometimes. I want to ask for something. I want to ask for
lots of things probably but I don’t know what. I want to ask for him to stay. I want it.

But I won’t ask. I can’t ask. I just want it.

Chapter End Notes

Okay, so I'm going to write a Kazufuyu one-shot for Kazutora's birthday since I
decided to on twitter. So, I'll update this again after the sixteenth because I'm going to
be finishing that.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this. I am a little less than halfway to where I've placed
Kazutora's release (becuase I started a year in) so that's kind of weird but I hope you're
all liking it...
 Chapter 13
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

This entire time Kazutora and Chifuyu had only been terrified children watching their world change
rapidly and trying desperately to fix it and having to give up on things that weren’t absolutely
necessary to hold onto. Only last month had they both crossed that bridge into adulthood. Chifuyu
turned eighteen last month and to the surprise of no one at all they both felt exactly the same. He
was still a child only with more responsibility to hold and more decisions he was forced to make.

It turned out that Chifuyu had not even celebrated his birthday that year and instead spent the day
talking to his mother about career options. Kazutora could only help but wonder if he might have
gotten to do something similar if he’d turned eighteen in the outside world. Not with his family but
maybe on his own he could have done something like that. Though, Chifuyu didn’t seem
particularly thrilled about it in the slightest.

More often than not they didn’t talk about what was going on for Chifuyu outside of Kazutora. He
seemed rather closed off or maybe he simply didn’t enjoy the topic. So, when opportunities like
this arrived for them to have a longer back and forth about what Chifuyu was doing Kazutora
would milk it for everything he had. He wondered if Chifuyu ever got annoyed at Kazutora’s
influx of interest when he started talking about himself. There was never any sign of an upset tone
in his words so he could only take it as there was nothing wrong with it.

There was something wrong in the way Chifuyu’s tone of words would take a shift at certain
questions and leave them unanswered or mostly unanswered however. In Kazutora’s most recent
letter he had asked about where he was planning to go now that he was eighteen. College, a
different job, anything really. He felt if he phrased it that way then he could have answered it
anyway he wanted to.

For some reason Kazutora felt this letter was incredibly painful even though it was obvious
Chifuyu had wanted to be hopeful in it. There was something so uncomfortable about the way
Chifuyu spoke of where he was going to be that made Kazutora’s stomach turn. He’d wanted to
ask if Chifuyu was okay but could never bring himself to do it.

When they spoke of this letter years down the line Chifuyu said he’d written this during a panic
attack. He’d assumed Kazutora wouldn’t notice since it was legible and coherent.

January 21st, 2011

Hanemiya Kazutora,

I don’t think there’s a single person in the world that doesn’t have at least one small regret in their
life. For lots of people it might have been a relationship or maybe they chose the wrong flavor of
pop the last time they were at the grocery store. Anything silly or stupid and completely regular. I
for one have many regrets, many large obvious ones that I’m going to walk around for the rest of
my life holding onto because I can never seem to let them go.

Choosing what I want to do for the rest of my life, I’d rather not add that to my list. Hanemiya, I
think I’m making the right choice but I’m scared of hating it later. It’s something I really don’t
want to hate either if I choose it, in fact I think I’d really hate myself for regretting it. It’s funny,
you’re the only person in the world that this would make sense to and I can’t seem to put it in
words.

There are no good options if you can’t have what you really wanted. Isn’t that how people think?
I’ve barely spoken of this to anyone else you know. Maybe because I can’t bear the thought of
saying it out loud out of fear of it being looked at poorly. It’s really stupid to think that,
remarkably so. This is just the one thing I’m going to do that can’t be looked at as anything other
than the right choice.

You asked where I was going to go. Nowhere Hanemiya, I’m going nowhere at all. Not in a giving
up kind of way but there’s nowhere else for me to be anymore. I was going to live in the sky once.

Did you know I wanted to be a pilot, Hanemiya? I might have said it once before to you so if you
don’t remember I’m not offended but that’s what I wanted to be. Maybe I still do but I’ve decided
not to be. I’m letting it go and trying very hard to trust that it’s the right choice. I desperately
want it to be the right choice.

What I’m going to do, I already decided it. I decided it quite a few years ago and I put this all
under the table, to the side where I wouldn’t think about it. My dream is just something I wanted
as a kid, sure but maybe I still like to think of being in the sky up really high away from everything
down here.

I’m not going anywhere. I said that to you a while ago, didn't I? I meant that in a lot of ways. I’m
staying in Tokyo. For eighteen years I’ve been in this city and I just can’t bring myself to leave it
behind. I’m stupid for holding on but I can’t bring myslef to let go.

You told me once you’d never laugh at me. Is that still true Hanemiya? You won’t laugh? Maybe
I’ll tell you someday when I make my new goal come true and you can not laugh at it then. I’m
going to do something Hanemiya. I won’t regret it this time.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

Nowhere. What a line that was. To really choose not to leave such a place that had brought him so
much pain, Kazutora wondered what was going through his mind when he said nowhere. Chifuyu
had not said he was going to stay in a way that would have made it sound nice or pleasant or in
anyway indicate that he really wanted to keep being here forever. Chifuyu had said nowhere.

‘Nowhere Hanemiya, I’m going nowhere at all.’ And as much as he might have wanted him to
keep on visiting Kazutora could not bring himself to be happy at those words. Kazutora knew
someone that didn’t want to go anywhere at all and they weren’t the slightest bit happy for it.
Nobody happy wants to go nowhere, at least he didn’t think so. Somebody happy with so much
more life left to live wants to go somewhere. Chifuyu wanted to go somewhere but he was
choosing to stay.

A pilot is someone who travels through the air. Is there not a more telling profession of someone
who doesn’t want to stay standing still? He couldn’t understand the choice to stay because the
choice to stay sounded hopelessly unhappy. He wanted to travel the world through the skies and
yet he never left the ground.

Was it even right for Kazutora to feel so terrible over this, to feel so desperate to want Chifuyu to
choose to fly. If he just sat and let him make the decision to stay put and go through with whatever
he was planning to do now, would he regret it? Chifuyu said he’d lived a life full of regrets and
Kazutora had wanted to trust that he knew what he was doing. He wanted to trust that but really,
who the hell knows what they want to do for the rest of their life at eighteen?

Kazutora finds this letter to be majorly embarrassing. Chifuyu called him grossly preachy.
Chifuyu kept it above his desk in the backroom of the pet shop. He says it’s for good luck.

January 28th, 2011

Matsuno Chifuyu,

There are no stupid fears. Not one. If it lives in someone’s mind and eats away at them then how
can something like that possibly be stupid? I guess maybe I can finally be of any use to you and tell
you what I think. So here it is...

Make the choice. I don’t care what it is, if you hate it and wish you’d never done it then so what?
Really? What’s wrong with that? Out of all the bad decisions in the world I can’t imagine a
career choice being the top one. It’s just a job. So what if you hate it? Here’s what I think. If you
get five years into it, maybe even less than that and you actually do end up hating it then quit.
Become a pilot.

There’s lots of old pilots, Matsuno. You’re eighteen. Becoming a pilot at 23 isn’t that much
different than doing it at eighteen. But if by chance you go with the first profession and you think
it’s great then I’d be happy for you. Lots of people hate their jobs and never really know what
they want to do in life. You’re lucky to have two options that might be great for you. Capitalize on
it.

I hope that whatever you end up waking up every morning to do is something you love. If it’s not,
maybe I can give you shitty advice again. I really really hope I’m not overstepping. You just have
too much going for you not to do it all at your fullest. Or.. at least that’s what I think.

Maybe, tell me about the job at some point if you feel like it.

-Kazutora

He wrote that letter in a fit of necessity to help Chifuyu. This was one of the only letters he had
had no prior plan for and had done all in one go with no other rough drafts. He didn’t even look it
over before sending it and left it to the person at the desk to send it away for him.

Later it dawned on him that Chifuyu most likely was not asking for help in any way, shape or form
in his last letter and that he had just ranted support at him. It was entirely out of character for
Kazutora but at the time it felt so necessary. He supposed maybe he didn’t want to have any
regrets either.

Kazutora wanted to help so badly and he for whatever reason felt that right then was the necessary
time to do so. He wondered if Chifuyu might be upset with him for it. It was the first time he’d
ever said anything like that

February 4th, 2011

Hanemiya Kazutora,

I have to admit I laughed at your letter before I say anything else. You are just continually not
what I expect you to be Hanemiya. The advice wasn’t bad though. Actually it was pretty good, you
sounded like some kind of wise old sage. You’re different than I thought you might be. I never
thought you’d give me life advice.

Maybe you’d hate that you said it more if you knew what the other option was though. I feel as if
maybe I can’t tell you now though. You’ve built yourself up for failure Hanemiya and you don’t
even know it.

If I could only ever be one thing in life I wouldn’t know what to do. It’s funny how impossible it all
seems to me but you say it like it’s so easy. Maybe I hate you for making it sound so easy. I think
I’m upset over it but I can’t tell. Hanemiya, if choosing was so easy then why was I having a hard
time? It doesn’t make sense, does it? If it was just so obvious then why was I struggling at all?

Tell me Hanemiya. If I was going to keep on living for Baji would that be alright? If that was
how I chose to live. I can’t say that to anyone else, can I? There’s really no one else to say
something like that to. Would your answer still be so easy if you knew what I was choosing? I
want it to be easy too.

I think if I say what I want to do in words it won’t convey the kind of image that’s playing in my
heart. Is that too sappy? I realized it a little while ago that really, truly, no matter where I go or
what I do I’m going to be thinking of Baji-san for the rest of my life. Maybe all I really want is to
have some physical representation that he was here or maybe I just want to carry out all the
dreams he left behind that he told me about over and over. Anyway I look at it, I really am living
for him and I’m okay with that.

I just want to talk about him. Hanemiya, did you know that no one talks about him anymore?
He’s just sort of disappeared it seems. I can’t let him. I think that maybe I’m really just scared
that one day I’m going to wake up and go throughout my day without thinking of him. I want him
to be there with me even if it’s all just in my head when I make his dreams come true. It’s not as if
I hate his dream either, in fact I really do enjoy it. I wouldn’t mind doing it forever.

I haven’t gotten to speak about him in a while so Hanemiya, thank you for listening.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu
Kazutora understood what Chifuyu had meant when he said he wanted to carry out Baji’s dreams.
It hadn’t been in a somber way, Chifuyu had truly just wanted to keep him alive. And Kazutora
was no longer sure if he should have sent that letter.

Chifuyu had thanked him for listening to him speak about Baji. For some reason Kazutora really
hated that. He should not tell him thank you for doing nothing at all. He wondered how many
times a day Chifuyu must have thought of Baji and said nothing at all because everyone around
him had already moved on.

It couldn’t quite comprehend in Kazutora’s mind that they never spoke of Baji. How could they
not speak of Baji? Kazutora knows that it was his fault that he wasn’t there to be thought of but he
couldn’t help but feel upset over it. Baji Keisuke, one of the founding members of Toman. How
could he not be important any longer? The more he tried to make sense of it the less it fit together
in his mind. Baji was so monumental and they no longer thought of him.

He felt really very sick all of a sudden like he wanted to gag and throw up. He sat on his bed trying
not to be nauseous over it. It had only been five years. Five years is a long time for most people,
isn’t it? The more he thought of it, maybe it made sense that they had all moved on from it.
Maybe it did make sense that Baji wasn’t important to them any longer.

Baji Keisuke was important to only three people in the way that they would think of him constantly
and agonize over him, His mother, Matsuno Chifuyu, and Hanemiya Kazutora. He didn’t have to
watch the world move on from what he couldn’t but they did. They would get to see everyone’s
memories fade but their own.

It was only then that Kazutora realized that he was not the only person who time would stand still
for, Matsuno Chifuyu was also stuck in the past. The two of them had been frozen in time for the
past five years in different ways but stuck all the same. Time would hold still till they found it in
themselves to move on.

The problem with standing still in time is that for the most part you really are all alone in it. No
one chooses to stand with you and waste their life away because they simply believe that you have
or will move on. There are some things it’s okay not to let go of as long as you can still live your
life after. Heartbreak, death, those are things that no one should ever really be expected not to hold
onto. Some people though live their life surrounding those things they refuse to let go of and those
people are hurting the most. Some people like Matsuno Chifuyu and Hanemiya Kazutora.

For the rest of his life Kazutora will not be able to look at another cat and not think of Baji
Keisuke. It doesn’t matter where he ends up or what kind of cat it is or if it’s someone else’s pet
they will all simply remind him of Baji. There were quite a number of things that would stay stuck
in his mind with the image of Baji but he’d never be able to let go of those damn cats.

Kazutora knew that Baji deserved to be remembered more than anything and still he felt haunted.
There’s not a person alive who doesn’t have regrets and Kazutora knows that more than most. He
regretted a lot of things, Shinichiro’s death, blaming Mikey, leaving Toman, killing Baji, hurting
Chifuyu, choosing his father but he would always regret above anything else wanting to forget.

A memory is an important thing once you truly forget something if there is no other evidence for it
it’s as if it never happened. He understood why Chifuyu had written down all those events he’d
been through with Baji and how he felt during all of them. Chifuyu didn’t want to forget. He was
solidifying it all in his mind and giving his memories to Kazutora in case he god forbid, did
forget.

If Chifuyu and Kazutora had nothing else in common they both at the very least wanted to
 remember Baji Keisuke to his fullest extent. To hold him in more than just their hearts and minds
and to have someone, anyone remember him just as much as they did. Nobody in the world lives
without regrets. Chifuyu and Kazutora would regret many things in their lives but they would
never regret the choice to live for Baji Keisuke, whatever that meant for them in the end.

Chapter End Notes

I'm not sure if I'm disappointed in myself for posting before the 16th or not- forgive
me, I lied becuase I finished the one-shot before his birthday

I've gotten several people who wanted to do fanart or people who have given me songs
that remind them of the story so just fyi I have a twitter if you ever wanted to @ me or
send me stuff about my fics. I'll link it. I actually get way too excited when you guys
do stuff like that. And for someone who you're just here to see write I truly have no
words to explain how happy it makes me that any of you like my story enough to do
anything like that. So thank you.

Twitter
 Chapter 14
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

As it became easier for Kazutora to understand Chifuyu’s underlying tones and unspoken words
that fell between the lines of his writing there was this loss for something else between them. He
thought that maybe understanding someone else was not always the best thing for the relationship
and that maybe he might have wanted to stay in his own past blissful ignorance. If it was selfish to
think so he couldn’t find it in himself to care. The words he left outside of his letters were things
Kazutora processed in a lamentable fashion of discomfort and upset thoughts.

What was left unsaid was so easy to fall into and overthink about. If it wasn’t on the page then it
could be true, couldn’t it? It wasn’t confirmed by Chifuyu’s words so he could never fully close
out that possibility before but now, now he understood his words. And recently he could tell that
Chifuyu had begun to become busy.

Except he wasn’t because he said he wasn’t. Chifuyu had told him directly that he wasn’t busy.
He was not busy, but he hadn’t meant it. Whether he could control it or not it had become apparent
to Kazutora that Chifuyu was forcing himself to send letters. They’d become rushed and some of
the sentences had felt scrambled in the phrasing. The wording had gotten poor in places. He
wasn’t trying and he wasn’t trying because he was busy.

It was all too easy for Kazutora to figure out and yet he wished he hadn’t. He’d promised
something unnecessary to Kazutora and he was intending to keep it. If anything he should be
relieved that Chifuyu was still sending him anything at all but the impending thoughts outdid his
positiveness and he fell into the never ending loop of ‘how long?’

Really, how long could Chifuyu keep burning the candle at both ends and do something so
unnecessary like send letters to Kazutora. They didn’t need to be regular letters, they didn’t need to
be anything at all he thought. It was telling to see how quickly Kazutora gave up hope when
Chifuyu’s letter came late the next week. It was July, school had just gotten out. Actually,
Kazutora wasn’t even sure if Chifuyu actually was in school. He shouldn’t have jumped to
conclusions but he did.

Chifuyu had promised him. For almost 5 years Chifuyu had been sending him letters every single
week without fail. There was nothing to doubt in his actions or words so Kazutora could not
comprehend why he was waiting so patiently for the other shoe to drop.

‘Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.’ It’s a stupid law that Kazutora lives by. He’d read
about it in science when he was still in school so many years ago. For whatever reason he’d paid
avid attention during that one particular day of class when they talked about it. He’d been
fascinated by those words. Kazutora had applied them differently than they should have been
taken. Murphy’s law was just something Kazutora had taken as a sort of label to his life. By no
means did learning of it change how he acted but he did have something he’d like to call a
reasonable cause for his actions.

Old habits are hard to break it seems. For someone who’d been listening to the words of Matsuno
Chifuyu for quite some time now he would have hoped to have broken them but his thoughts run
rampant at the first sign of change.

He’d been so nervous over him for nothing. Really, it was for nothing because the week after the
letter Chifuyu sent came earlier than usual. It was then that he realized that the only problem with
Chifuyu’s actions was how he was taking them. He wanted to apologize. Kazutora wanted to tell
him he was sorry for doubting him but he couldn’t. What kind of reaction does someone have
when you say ‘I thought you were lying to me’ after all they’ve done is tell the truth? So, Kazutora
settled on feeling guilty.

Guilty because the very next month in August he would be pulled out of his cell once more for a
surprise that this time that was only Chifuyu and he would make up for whatever his last two visits
were that he had no control over. It was unnecessary to make up for something he hadn’t caused
but Kazutora would watch him do it anyways. How could he doubt him?

August 15th, Kazutora was taken to make his way back to the visiting room and he couldn’t help
but feel anxious after the last two times. All that anxiety was released when the door was opened
to that same boring room and there was only Chifuyu in that same far corner that he’d taken claim
to. Only Chifuyu. Kazutora felt a wave of relief wash over him as he went to sit across from
Chifuyu. There was this soft tension between them that was unspoken of. Kazutora could almost
feel without him saying it that Chifuyu knew exactly what he’d been thinking and his guilt would
build up in his stomach as the visit went on.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you…” He met eyes with the boy in front of him who looked exhausted
as usual. There were never any words on why he was tired or what he was doing that kept him so
busy and exhausted, it was all just something Kazutora could guess at. He seemed, if anything, to
want to ignore it.

There wasn’t much brightness in the way Chifuyu was today but his words never slipped. “I didn’t
know I was going to come today. It was spur of the moment or… something was approved
suddenly and I came to give it to you.” Another gift. Kazutora wasn’t sure how to feel about that
but his eyes came wide all the same.

Chifuyu, he felt, got him too much stuff. A seventh item wasn’t necessary to add but Kazutora
would never deny them and not accept a gift from him. That terrified him more than actually
continually receiving them. “You brought me something?” Tilting his head to the side with
furrowed eyebrows he tried to look in Chifuyu’s expression for what the item might have been.

Maybe he’d only done it once but something about the book Chifuyu slid across the table was
familiar. Maybe he’d only brushed hands with him once before as he took the manga from him.
Once was enough to remember it as something obvious that must have happened a hundred times
before. Kazutora jerked his hand back as soon as the touch came light and feathery on his skin.
The movement was quick as his nerves accelerated with his heartbeat. His head was screaming at
him for moving back so suddenly but it was the sudden shout in his mind that took him off guard
the most.

Don’t touch me. Had he really felt like that? Kazutora had truly always been tense around him but
never to that point and he could see on Chifuyu’s expression when he finally looked up that he was
surprised by it as well. “Well… that’s for you. I wouldn’t be surprised if you don’t even
remember the plot of this series. When I give you the fifth one maybe you’ll like it more.” The
hesitation in Chifuyu’s voice at the end tore his current state of panic. Your actions have
consequences. You shouldn’t have pulled your hand away.

He felt the need to reassure Chifuyu that he did in fact like it, that he didn’t mean to pull away so
forcefully, that he was thankful but he didn’t. Not most of it anyways. “Oh. Thank you Matsuno.
I remember it, I’ve read it quite a few times.” He’d read it more than a few times but he was trying
to get his reassurance out as quickly as possible even if it came out slow and dragged on as he
stared at the book on the table.

“Right.” The still silence built between them quickly like rainfall. “You know I thought maybe
you wouldn’t like it anymore since you’re older now. I guess I don’t really know what else to get
you…” Chifuyu’s eyes shifted as he looked at the book with Kazutora under the same furrowed
gaze. He seemed disappointed in himself almost. Kazutora couldn’t help but think why he’d
gotten him anything at all right then.

If he had other words for him he would have used them right then and there and told Chifuyu thank
you over and over again till it didn’t sound like words anymore because he finally understood what
had been going on that day. Understanding really was a terrible thing. “So you’re finally on a
break or...” His words broke off. Chifuyu was visiting him because he knew Kazutora had started
to pull back.

He’d been stupid to do so and Chifuyu stayed firm in his words and actions. “No. I’m not in
school. I’m… I’m working.” Kazutora nodded pursing his lips at the reply, suddenly feeling
awkward surrounded by the obvious undertones. That wasn’t something he’d wanted to share with
Kazutora but he’d said it anyway. It was funny, Kazutora had been trying to reassure Chifuyu of
his gift but it wasn’t him who was doing a good job at making the other feel more secure.

“And do you like it?” Finally they were looking at each other hard and unnerved on Chifuyu’s end
and melting and worried on Kazutora’s. A messy duo with no tone to go by at all.

As if remembering the letter Kazutora had sent he let his eyes go soft. “I don’t know yet.”
Chifuyu had been thinking about what he said at the very least, he was still thinking about it. He
wondered if he’d been able to do anything at all for Chifuyu when he said those words or if at the
end of the day it really was just a self righteous letter that he’d had no right to send. “I still have
some time to decide…”

A stupid little olive branch that Kazutora wasn’t willing to pick up. An unnecessary one that felt
like he was himself more than anything that it was alright to say it. Most of the time Kazutora
could feel Chifuyu biting back on his words and never fully explaining what was on his mind. He
wondered if Chifuyu had said what was really on his mind or completed his sentence if it would
have sounded as kind because as much as he had started being able to guess between the lines there
would always be parts of Matsuno Chifuyu that were to be left purposefully to the imagination.

This topic was not one to dwell on and as quickly as it had been brought up it was swept back
under the rug between them. He knew, he could guess what the correct words were and the rest
was not needed. The visit wasn’t cold but it was uncomfortable to a point although maybe there
was no reason for it to be. The intention was not for it to be uncomfortable at all but to make up
for something else that was better left unsaid. Chifuyu left it unsaid.

In September Kazutora received the fifth manga as well. He always wanted to know exactly what
Chifuyu was thinking as he handed them all over to the guards, if he was ever scared to be at a
prison. Even Kazutora, who had been at the prison for almost six years, was nervous of it. He
could almost hear Chifuyu’s voice at his thought, ‘there’s nothing to be scared of Hanemiya’.

After, it had set into Kazutora that he’d gotten all five volumes of the manga and that there was
really nothing else for Chifuyu to give at that point. He wondered if that was a good thing or not,
to no longer receive gifts. Part of the reason Chifuyu had visited those few times was solely
because of the gifts. He couldn’t help but think that this would somehow lower the amount of
times Kazutora got visited, not that it was actually a whole lot before.
…

Take your thoughts and feelings away from it all and be left with this one correct letter. Throwing
it aside to read this and know that at some point all Kazutora’s emotions are going to burn
helplessly in Chifuyu’s flame. Throw it all away and burn, Kazutora was unaware how terrified he
was of fire till he got close enough to watch it burn. It was hot and burned when you touched it but
from afar it just looked mesmerizingly beautiful. Everything was better from afar.

Even if he did not realize Chifuyu made his first promise of after the ten years in this letter. There
was nothing to compete with how he kept that promise.

September 11th, 2011

Hanemiya Kazutora,

There’s no good words. Did you know that? I’ve been writing things down for years on end and I
think I’ve come to the conclusion that there are just no good words. If I tell myself that enough
times I’ll think it’s wrong because there must be some words that fell beautifully when said
allowed but it’s true there’s not one good word. There can’t be any good words because I can’t
seem to describe my current thoughts. So they’re all useless to me because I want to say something
that should be said differently than how I’m going to.

I signed a lease today. I’ve never felt more like an adult than I do right now. Almost nineteen and
I feel like I’ve aged ten years just from that. The thing is that I really just don’t feel like an adult. I
feel like some sort of stupid kid when I sit in the middle of that space looking at all the empty walls
that I’m going to have to fill. I’m not the only one growing up too fast like that but it really does
feel a bit lonely doing it on my own. I think it’s just because it’s empty right now.

When I went in the first time with the keys that I now own to look around. I sat for a really long
time in the middle of the room and really I had no words. I can’t quite describe what I was
thinking but it was just very big to me. I got this big loan that I’m going to have to start using
tomorrow when I start moving everything forward more quickly. Hanemiya, I told you I’d let you
know as soon as I got it going.

It’s a pet store Hanemiya. Baji’s mother has actually been helping me out figuring out how to do
what I want with it. You know, she’s the one person I really don’t want to cry in front of but I cried
signing that stupid lease today with her standing over my shoulder. Baji-san would have been so
excited. He would have laughed at me for crying over something so good like this.

People cry over all kinds of stupid things and I couldn’t quite comprehend owning it till it was right
there so big and empty and daunting. When you get out it’ll be more than complete. I think as
much as I’m terrified right now I’m excited but I cannot bring myself to stop shaking. Baji-san
would have loved it. He would have run around the store touching all the walls just because he
owned it I owned it. He would have been so very excited over it, he wouldn’t have slept tonight
while thinking about it. Maybe he would have wanted to camp out in the store to celebrate. I can’t
stop thinking, he would have really loved it.
 I can’t tell if I’m excited too or just really really scared. There really are no good words for what I
want to say and it’s frustrating me to no end. I want it to work out so bad and to have it look like it
does in my mind but something is bound to go wrong. It’ll be fine though, I’m sure it will end up
okay. God, I apologize this is such a rant.

Hanemiya, when you get out I’ll show you my pet shop.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

He could see Chifuyu’s shaking even in his writing. He must have been so overwhelmed just then
writing all that. Kazutora would have wondered why he had gotten told all that if he didn’t know
that most likely Chifuyu just had no one else to tell. A pet shop… it was perfect, truly perfect and
heartbreaking.

Chifuyu was right, Baji would have loved it. It probably didn’t even matter what it looked like
because Baji would have been so excited for him. He couldn’t help but notice Chifuyu had said
‘he owned’ first. He must have been thinking of Baji wanting to own it because really it wasn’t
Chifuyu’s dream. Baji would have been excited to fulfill his own dream.

The way Kazutora felt about crying in front of Chifuyu was exactly the same way Chifuyu felt
crying in front of Baji’s mom. Completely awful as if it was not yours to cry over. There are no
good words to give someone who feels undeserving of their pain or sees it as less than others.
Even with varying levels of pain you’re bound to compare your emotions to someone else’s.
Chifuyu spent his time comparing his to Baji’s mother and Kazutora spent his time comparing his
to Chifuyu’s. It’s whoever you see most that affects your views and they both say tragedy in
completely different lights.

It was unfair really that Chifuyu would have to compare his own truly devastating pain to someone
else’s and see it as unworthy. He wondered if that was why he’d spent so much time with Baji’s
mother because he was making up for something that wasn’t his fault. Some kind of imaginary
difference between their emotions and grief that Chifuyu had taken it upon himself to fix. She was
broken all on her own and yet he made it his mission to help her in any way he could. She didn’t
know it but she was getting the best help there was available.

At the very end Chifuyu promised he’d show Kazutora his shop when he got out. At first Kazutora
swore he misread the line. He wondered if really all Chifuyu wanted was someone to see the shop
and know why he’d done it and appreciate it for what it really was. ‘When he gets out.’ Almost
four years. Kazutora has to wait just over four years and then he’ll see the pet shop.

He thought by then Chifuyu would most likely have forgotten that promise. Maybe before he dies
he’d just walk by it, just to see what Chifuyu had managed to do. He trusted him that it would
work out and that it would be just as great as it was in his head. There was no doubt in his mind
that everything that could go wrong would not and Chifuyu would have no issues with his store at
all.

Chapter End Notes

I actually wrote most of chapter fifteen before this but I got excited after reading
through the outline to see what the line up I decided was.

Also, technically it's on Friday but this book has been out for a month now and that
seems really weird to me especially knowing that most of you didn't know who I was a
month ago. Also, seeing the numbers grow on this has been quite fun, so I just wanted
to say thank you for picking up my book and continually reading it. This is the most
I've been into something for probably over a year and it's nice to have people who are
into my thing along with me.
 Chapter 15
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

December 2011, the very end of the year Kazutora watched Chifuyu’s mental state plummet. He
had just turned nineteen and if anything Kazutora had assumed he’d be in a better mood than usual
because of it. A week earlier Chifuyu mentioned that he was going out with Takemichi on that
date to celebrate. He’d sounded slightly like he hadn’t wanted to but out of all the people Chifuyu
had mentioned in the past Takemichi was talked of most fondly.

So, when the next week came and he got his letter from Chifuyu he didn’t know what to make of
it. Kazutora was sure if he jumped to conclusions there that he might be wrong. He’d wanted to
ask him how he was but the cold feeling around Chifuyu intensified for the next few weeks. Their
back and forth responses seemed lifeless.

By the middle of January there seemed an angry upset in the letters being sent to him that for the
most part did not look like they had to do with Kazutora in the slightest. There were never any
actual words having to do with Kazutora that would have indicated that he had (recently) done
something wrong.

Spending all his time worrying about it and convincing himself that if Chifuyu didn’t want to say
anything then there was no reason to ask about it. Convincing himself it wasn’t his place.
Convincing himself he was in no position to speak to Chifuyu about it. He’d convinced himself, he
really had until he hadn’t.

Kazutora made a reckless move and went for it, asking Chifuyu if he was okay. In shaky ink he
scrawled out his words more nervously than he had done since he first wrote back to him in 2007.
Really, he’d just never asked Chifuyu if he was okay. Kazutora had also never ignored one of his
letters to talk about something else the way Chifuyu had done so many times before. He still
hadn’t, he sent two letters that week one slightly longer letter following this one about their current
topic of tattoos.

Chifuyu had asked him at the end of a letter a few weeks ago to describe how it felt and they
spiraled in topic from there. Though Chifuyu’s letters were short and scarily worded he still
seemed to be trying. It was the trying that had made Kazutora so nervous for him.

January 19th, 2012

Matsuno Chifuyu,

I’m going to apologize for bringing this up or even negating our last topic to say this but it’s been
on my mind. Maybe I shouldn’t because you might not like it coming from me but I just can’t bring
myself to leave it alone. For the past month you’ve been quite different from usual and I can’t put
my finger on why. So I guess what I wanted to ask was if you were okay or not.

Matsuno, has something happened? You know I’m pretty much deaf and blind to anything that
goes on outside of these walls but if something bad happened… would you tell me? I can’t shake
the feeling that something is wrong. If nothing is wrong then maybe you can ignore this, actually
you can ignore it either way if you hate what I’m saying. But there is something wrong, isn’t
there?

I don’t mean to overstep with you. Sorry if I am. I hope you’re okay.

-Kazutora

Kazutora seemed to do a lot of things based on if he’d regret it or not, this was something he wasn’t
willing to regret. Really, Chifuyu had seemed more depressed than he’d seen him in the past few
years. There was something wrong, Kazutora knew there was something wrong. So he said
something, for once in his relationship with Chifuyu he manned up and said something.

There was something that had happened outside of his conversations with Chifuyu that had
somehow collapsed his mental state. He couldn’t even guess what it was and yet he felt he knew
how Chifuyu was feeling about it. He was devastated.

January twenty third was the next visiting day scheduled. Kazutora hadn’t even gotten a letter
back from Chifuyu yet that week and he was called out for visitation. He wasn’t quite sure what
he was feeling at that moment and whether or not dread was the right word for it. Whatever
happened during their visit would be a surprise for him because once again Kazutora felt
completely in the dark on Matsuno Chifuyu.

He was right, as soon as he laid eyes on him from across the room he knew he was right. Chifuyu
looked like hell. There was clearly something going on with him and Kazutora had never wanted
to be correct about something less. Sitting across from him he could almost feel the ill feelings
coming off from him.

Over the past six months or so Chifuyu had let his hair become undyed and it was finally his
natural shade of all black. That black hair fell into his eyes as he sat with his head cupped in his
hands looking anywhere but at Kazutora. “Are you surprised to see me?”

Kazutora had always found Chifuyu’s eyes to be a bit painful to look at, an incredibly cold and
depressing shade of blue that made him feel trapped to look back at. “Are you okay?” It was then
that he watched Chifuyu’s eyes overrun with tears falling rapidly down his cheeks as he stared
widely at Kazutora. He’d only actually seen Chifuyu genuinely cry once before. He was frozen in
place, scared to move and only watched him cry more steadily.

“It’s so stupid, it’s so stupid. We’ve barely said anything and I’m already crying.” Kazutora knew
all too well what it felt like to hate the fact that you were crying. Crying in front of someone isn’t
an embarrassing thing in fact he felt it was quite the opposite, it just depended on who it was in
front of and Chifuyu didn’t want to cry in front of him.

He shook his head finally finding his words, “It’s not stupid.” Maybe he was a hypocrite, really
crying wasn’t stupid but only if it was Chifuyu. Though, for anyone Kazutora found himself
unbelievably uncomfortable at any sign of tears. He really hated when other people cried and not
because he felt bad for them. Oftentimes he wished people would just stop crying, he felt that for
himself a lot too. Not for Chifuyu, no, when Chifuyu cried he felt incredibly sad.

They sat there looking at each other til Chifuyu got his voice back. For once he was soft, “It’s not
even a big deal really. It’s not like the world is ending…” Kazutora didn’t really care for how
much of a big deal it might not have been in the scheme of things if it was making Chifuyu
distraught. What he really wanted to do was fix it but he was a bit useless in any of that so he’d
just watch and listen. Really, all he could do was listen.

It’s funny, a lot of the times when someone says what they’re going through isn’t a big deal it turns
out to be more emotional than expected. Maybe it’s the backstory to why they’re crying that’s
missing in their words. “Lots of things can make someone cry. Comparing it to something else
doesn’t make it less sad.” If Kazutora never had any good thoughts again at least he’d said that
one outloud. It’s not less sad or heartbreaking or whatever he was feeling just because he or
anyone else had gone through something worse. The invalidation of it all made him annoyed,
Kazutora didn’t understand at the time that he’d done the exact same thing to himself in whatever
context he’d done it for the past six years. Or, maybe he did understand and that logic simply did
not apply to him.

Chifuyu heaved out heavily and exasperated at Kazutora’s words. They might have in some ways
made him hate what he was going to say less. “Just, just my cat died last month and… and it’s
kind of my fault. He probably would have been alive for at least a few more years but, but yeah it’s
my fault.” Chifuyu shifted under Kazutora’s worried gaze. He clearly didn’t believe him that it
was his fault so he continued. “So on my birthday I went out with Takemichi and he just, so he got
out and he didn’t make it through the traffic. If I was more careful he would have been fine but,
but I wasn’t.” He watched as the tears continued to rain down and wet his cheeks and Chifuyu
held a tight smile at the end of his sentence stopping himself from saying anymore.

He wanted to reach across the table and grab Chifuyu’s hand and calm him down. If he were
anyone else he’d be holding his hand and rubbing small circles on the back of it whispering words
of endearment and telling him it was okay. But Kazutora was just himself and Chifuyu would cry
on his own.

There were words he wanted to say and reassurance he wanted to give but the best he could come
up with at the time was, “It’s not your fault… it’s just, it’s not your fault.” The only thing he could
think of to continue the conversation and let Chifuyu continue to to speak was to ask him about his
cat. He thought that's what people probably do when they lose something important. “How long
did you have him for?”

If it was a stupid question Kazutora wasn’t allowed to dwell over it. Maybe he was glad to talk
about his cat and not feel stupid over crying. “I’m not really sure. He’s, he was kind of old by the
time he died. I’ve had him for a while. He was just some stray that took a liking to me.” Chifuyu
deserved to talk about so much more than just his cat and cry. Kazutora had always wondered
exactly what it was that Chifuyu kept all to himself and how much of it he didn’t share. It
wouldn’t surprise him if what he was saying was just the surface of what was going on, just the last
thing to push him over the edge and make him give up and cry.

“What else about him?” A hesitant push to let him ramble on and speak more. Chifuyu could
speak about anything he wanted for as long as he wanted and Kazutora would have listened.
Maybe because Chifuyu rarely spoke about anything that he bottled up or because Kazutora needed
some sort of vocal affirmation that he was really in front of him and breathing.

Chifuyu had been a bit surprised by Kazutora’s sudden interest and question. He was never one to
take initiation with him till this week. “Baji really liked him. The first time he came to visit and
saw him he told me Peke J and him had a connection. He’d bring it up all the time that they were
definitely connected somehow. I just… ah, he reminds me of him.” And suddenly Kazutora
would understand. Of course.

He’d lost something important to him, a long term companion but wasn’t it just the icing on the
cake that he would be reminded all over again of Baji because of it? He continued to listen to him
speak about his cat and Baji and anything he could think to add to the topic till eventually Chifuyu
stopped crying. He wiped his eyes dry with his sweater paws that he’d been gripping the entire
time and looked back at Kazutora to smile, it was pained and incredibly forced, there was no sign
of warmth in his eyes today.

For once Kazutora and he were in switched positions, he’d been doing more for himself and trying
harder. He’d been going to the counselor and writing in his journal all his thoughts he didn’t want
to give away. Kazutora was really trying. Chifuyu on the other hand was falling apart by the
minute trying just as or even harder to stay afloat all on his own. It hurt Kazutora’s heart to see
him want to visit him of all people to break down. He wondered if there really was nowhere else
for him to cry.

“Thanks for watching me cry and talk for so long, Hanemiya. I guess I’m bad at warning you
when I’m showing up, aren’t I?” He was. Chifuyu had not notified him when he was going to
show up in quite some time.

Though he would never complain about that. “I don’t really mind if it’s just you who shows up
unannounced. That’s… you can do it, it’s okay.” Falling through his words messily they took to
staring at each other with both of their own pained and uncomfortable smiles and both for entirely
separate reasons. It was not the smile Chifuyu wore today that Kazutora had imagined so many
times before. This one shook his heart and still he couldn’t look away.

Too easily did Chifuyu fall back into not crying and shaking off his own emotions to stay firm in
front of Kazutora like he always did. He really always did have this intense aura that Kazutora was
always watching him from behind. “That’s a strong statement. Make sure you mean that next time
I show up Hanemiya.” He let the air fall between them. “You say that a lot you know… that you
don’t mind.” Chifuyu let his hand fall out of one of his wet sweater paws and drum on the table.

Kazutora had said it a lot but really there wasn’t much to mind with Chifuyu, he never actually did
anything that could be considered as wrong. He was much nicer to Kazutora than he probably
thought. “Well I really don’t mind… I can look in my dictionary for something else to say if you
really hate it.” It was an attempt at a kind of joke to make Chifuyu stop looking as hurt as he did,
to brighten his eyes.

He coughed up a laugh at that, showing a more genuine but smaller smile to the table before
showing his glittering eyes to Kazutora. “Yeah, you should do that. Say it prettier next time.”
Kazutora made a mental note to do just that. His heart melted just a little from the relief he felt at
seeing Chifuyu laugh. Even if it was just from him, just for a moment in this awful place he could
see Chifuyu smile and stop his worries for those few seconds that the room lit up with the sound of
his voice and his eyes shined back at Kazutora. It was just a moment, but he’d done something.

Later in the week Kazutora finally received back a letter from Chifuyu just continuing their
previous conversation and negating the first letter Kazutora had sent or even the visit. He knew
why Chifuyu had come that day, right after he received his letter. Kazutora knew that when he
came Chifuyu must have been wanting to show visual proof that he was okay. To show him that it
was not as Kazutora had thought and that he was in fact better than ever. He’d seen his
disappointed expression as he started to cry, disappointed in himself for not going through with it.
He must have wanted to erase the whole visit when he sent his next letter. Though, at the very end
of the letter there was a very vague sentence that could only be the smallest of thanks, ‘Did you
find anything?’

He did, Kazutora had searched for quite a while for something that didn’t sound stupid. He
continued their conversation before it. Chifuyu had just completely trashed on several types of
tattoos and Kazutora wasn’t sure how to feel about it. For one, he himself had what some might
look at as a questionable tattoo. They knew quite a few people with questionable tattoos actually,
he wondered if Chifuyu hated any of theirs.

For someone who thought tattoos were so cool he really went in on them. Chifuyu’s constant
strong opinions on useless things never failed to surprise him. It seemed only really important
things Chifuyu would fall short on his thoughts and say it didn’t matter. Not all important things
but quite a few. He often avoided those kinds of topics and at the end of the day Kazutora could
really only assume they were a bad subject for him.

After becoming slightly more comfortable in responding on useless topics and with much (much)
encouragement Kazutora could voice his opinion more freely if he (god forbid) disagreed with
Chifuyu. Today he did disagree with him. He disagreed quite a bit actually. Surprisingly so to
both of them probably. As much as Kazutora was a relatively reserved person he did pass quite a
bit of judgement on others. This was all thrown to the wind in a few topics.

February 6th, 2012

Matsuno Chifuyu,

I’m surprised you’d judge people’s tattoos. Genuinely, I don’t think I want to know what your
opinion is on mine. It makes me nervous. I guess I’m disagreeing with you again because I don’t
think I really find any tattoos to be bad. They must have got it for some reason or another, right?

Here are more of my useless thoughts on disagreeing with you. I think that if someone had to go
through all the pain or getting something printed on their skin forever they probably like it. Maybe
not but probably. So I guess maybe even if I look at it and think it looks bad I don’t actually hate it
because it’s probably important to them. Is that stupid? I don’t think I feel that way about
anything else in the world, I’d judge people for all kinds of things but not that.

Really, you could feel any way you want over it and I might agree with you because I can’t change
your opinion. Though, maybe I’ll differ on this. Would you ever want one? A tattoo.

“If it’s you then it’s okay.”

-Kazutora
Chapter End Notes

My cat sat across from me so judgingly as I killed off Peke J, some kind of unknown
solidarity.

ALSO!! This morning someone made this gorgeous art piece for one of the scenes
from the dream sequence scene and I've been looking at it all day. So I'm going to
share the link to it here because it had made my day.

LTKart
 Chapter 16
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

What was the phrase for someone who’s gone past their limit again and again and has no more left
to give? Kazutora couldn’t find it, so he’d just go with the next best thing. Running on empty.
That’s where Chifuyu had been for the past few months, running completely on empty. When he
broke it was expected and awful all the same. There are some things you cannot fix for other
people, and things they need to do alone. Kazutora found that if he could do nothing else for
Chifuyu he could listen.

All month Chifuyu had been nothing but positive, really just too positive. He’d been working at
the pet shop non-stop, he seemed to refuse to actually want to hire anyone but himself. So, every
shift, every single day since January Chifuyu had been at the pet shop from morning till closing.
Even if he never said exactly that, Kazutora knew exactly what he was doing. ‘I don’t need any
extra help, things are going good’ had the most lifeless tone he’d ever read.

And then he read it at the end of his very last letter what must have been Chifuyu’s breaking point.
He’d been trying for so long, he’d very quickly get the written altercation of Matsuno Chifuyu’s
full descent over the cliff of responsibility he’d built. At the end of the last letter there were quite a
few blank spaces till

‘Baji’s mother visited me at my apartment today.’

That was all. That was the entire line that clued Kazutora into what his next letter was. Chifuyu
needed to let something go so badly, he’d been holding onto so much his fingers had started to go
numb. He was correct, so much so that Chifuyu’s very next letter was possibly one of the worst
things he’d had to read. Not because it was awful or scary or anything too terrible. In a different
way Kazutora hated it so much simply because he knew it was Chifuyu who had written it. He
just had to sit there miles away from him breaking his heart reading Chifuyu fall apart completely
on his own.

‘There was no one else to tell.’ That was something that was true for them a lot of the time. Who
else would Chifuyu have told about this? There was no one who’s image of the situation that he’d
want to shatter, Kazutora’s was already shattered. There was no one else to tell and ‘It’s about
you’ went without saying.

Years later when Chifuyu read his letter back he felt disgusted with himself. He couldn’t
remember writing it and wished he’d never signed his name to something so awful. This is the
second letter he burned.

April 12th, 2012

Hanemiya Kazutora,

There’s this nauseating pain in my chest that I can just never seem to get rid of. Unbreathable and
terrifying to think of when it happens that it overwhelms me constantly. I am in all ways falling
apart at the seams right now and I don’t even know the first thing to do about it. All I’ve given it
has been time but as I’m looking at it now that’s not enough. Hanemiya, I suppose I’m telling you
this because for the first time I’m really upset over you and it’s not your fault. There have been
several times but this time, truly you hadn’t a single thing to do with it.

About five years ago Baji’s mother saw me sending a letter to one, Hanemiya Kazutora. I can’t
seem to forget the face she made at me when she read your name. She didn’t talk to me for a long
while after that. I think really in some ways age means nothing at all because she reminded me so
much of a child when she did that. When she finally spoke to me once more she said that you
deserved none of my kindness. And I remember being confused by that. I actually remember my
next words, “When have I ever been kind to Hanemiya Kazutora?” And that was the end of it. It
was the end of it for a long while till she had me explain to her exactly what I was doing. That was
when she had me take her to visit you.

She said to me once that she was sorry I had to speak to you. And I was so mad. How can she say
that to me? How can she sit there and act like it’s not entirely my fault that you would ever be
brought up in front of her. I don’t even really believe that you enjoy speaking to me, all of this and
out of courtesy to the dead. She hates you for what? I made you speak to me, I initiated it, I send
you things. Hate Hanemiya because of any number of things but not for helping me heal. And I
couldn’t say it. I’m such a goddamn coward, I just let her think that and I didn’t say a goddamn
thing.

And then we went to your visit, I hated that visit. There was no reason for me to be there as her
accomplice and I know right now that as much as I was supporting her as much as I want to
support her there was no reason for it. I could barely look at you, I still hate that visit. I owe her
so much, there is so much I have to give back to her, so much of her kindness I don’t deserve. I
took so much from her, she would have so much if I had just done better or did more. And yet, and
yet I’m so angry right now.

Last week she visited me, and she was smiling. Dammit, she was smiling and I was so relieved. I
was just so glad she could look like that, really truly relieved. And she brought me some kind of
dish she made as I was closing up the store and we sat in the back room eating together and she
just lit up the room with that smile. I thought I’d fixed it. That I in all my lame attempts and visits
had fixed it and she was smiling. And then at the very end she brought up you.

There are just so many reasons that I understand for her feelings toward you, so many things for
her to be upset about but this, this one thing made me take such a step back from our conversation.
She asked me to stop sending you letters. Not directly, she never actually said “stop” but she
meant it. She asked me if I thought these letters were what Baji-san wanted. When I replied she
told me I was wrong. There was almost nothing more to our conversation because I got so
overwhelmingly upset that I left the room. I didn’t know what to say. She just negated all of it, my
entire past five years with six awful words. “Did you think Keisuke wanted that?”

I can’t physically do it anymore. I hate myself so goddamn much everytime I see her it’s
unbearable. She’s just in so much pain and I can’t do anything about it. I hurt her with every little
thing I do and I can’t stand it. I don’t know what to do. I can’t talk about Baji or my friends or
you, I barely know what to say to her half the time. I’m the last person to say this but she can’t
move on and I can’t help her anymore. Hanemiya, I’m losing my mind trying because she can’t
even seem to accept that maybe I want to heal too. I don’t want to leave Baji behind, I want him
with me but I want to be smiling because I think he’d be screaming at me for being depressed
forever. I just, I can’t even seem to cry. Tell me Hanemiya, do I deserve to cry? I want to cry so
bad but I’ve scared myself into thinking she’ll hate me if I do.

I’m going to figure something out. It’ll be okay. I’m going to be okay.
From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

Kazutora hated those words, he hated so much of that letter. Chifuyu deserved to cry or laugh or
scream or do any number of things he’d been blocking himself off from these past years. He’d
watched Chifuyu try over and over again for years on end only to find himself stuck in this terrible
cycle of speaking to Kazutora to heal, being reminded of Baji’s mother and trying so very hard to
keep it together for both of them simultaneously. What was left for Chifuyu?

No wonder he was doing so much, there’s a fine line between wanting forgiveness and giving too
much. It was because of that that Chifuyu was walking and he’d watched himself fall right into the
other side. Kazutora understood more than anyone what it feels like to think you owe something to
someone else, he’d classify his own situation as quite different but he understood it all the same.
Being all on your own, it’s easy to fall into thinking something is okay and not standing up for
yourself. When you look at it Baji’s mother really isn’t a bad person, she really hadn’t done much
of anything wrong and that would have made Chifuyu’s need to leave all the harder.

She’d asked him to stop, Kazutora didn’t even know what to do with that. He thought of
Chifuyu’s line a lot, there really were no good words, were there? There wasn’t even a real ask for
help in that letter, just a desperate need to tell someone. He’d wished he weren’t himself because
he knew whatever words he gave back to Chifuyu would not be enough. There was nothing to give
but support because at the end of the day Chifuyu would have to do it all alone. No matter how
much he wanted to give, no matter how much he wanted to say he could just watch.

April 23rd, 2012

Matsuno Chifuyu,

You need a break. Is that an okay thing to say? Someone to help at the shop, time away from
everything you’re doing and just a week alone or out or doing something else. Living with
everyone else’s world on your shoulders. How are you doing that? How is it possible that you’ve
been doing any of that for so long? I’m sure you didn’t send that for my advice or thoughts or for
me to even really reply to it but I can’t get it out of my head. Is that what we do? Send each other
our thoughts so we don’t have to keep them ourselves. I don’t mind if you want to send me a
thousand more letters just like that if it makes you feel better.

Cry Matsuno. Cry so much it hurts to breathe and you run out of tissues. Cry till you can’t
physically bear the idea of crying anymore, do it till you’re sick of it. You don’t owe it to anyone
not to. There’s so much to cry for in the world that holding back just doesn’t make any sense.
Anyone who tells you not to has something else coming to them.

It’s not your fault, you know. For any of it. There’s not a thing about Baji’s death or her
depression that’s your fault. You know I did that. I’m the one to bear that guilt, don’t try and
shoulder that with me when all you’ve done has been help her. Please. You can’t think any of that
would’ve been your fault. If you were faster or stronger or stopped him, none of that matters. I did
it. It’s my fault. I’ll bear the consequences, so don’t go hurting yourself over it.
There’s so much more for me to say to you that just comes out all jumbled, Matsuno. You deserve
a lot more than you currently have. I can’t really do anything about increasing that amount but
you need to. You can’t heal with so much burden left to bear.

-Kazutora

He felt bold in his words, self righteous all over again but this time he knew that it’d be worth it if
Chifuyu listened. Any consequence would be fine if it got through to him. Kazutora didn’t think
he’d bear too much consequence from this letter, not this time. Chifuyu had reached out, if he
didn’t want to get any words back at all or at least expect that there might be a response then he
shouldn't have sent it at all. He expected it.

Many times before Kazutora felt he’d been too familiar with Chifuyu in his responses but it became
hard not to be when they spoke every week for the past four years. Chifuyu had wanted them to be
something like friends once, he said he wanted to work toward that for Baji. Kazutora wondered if
that was still the case. If many of the things were building on that exact reason. If that was still
the case then his replies must have been fine, and yet they felt so wrong sometimes.

He’d get nervous over his replies, his familiarity, his disagreement and Chifuyu almost never
batted an eye at it. Kazutora was just doing what he was told all those years ago, was he not?
Somewhere in the middle of it he’d lost track of himself and ended up here in this odd place with
Chifuyu. He couldn’t tell how close he’d gotten to his flame, he just liked to watch it burn.

There was always going to be this fear of overstepping till it was made clear exactly where their
boundaries lie whether that be past the invisible line Kazutora had drawn for himself or not.
Chifuyu seemed so unintentionally inviting even with his cold exterior and harsh words. Words
that he had not dared to use against Kazutora for quite some time. None of what he had said in a
long time was he himself blaming Kazutora for anything at all. Kazutora wondered how he still
felt about it all. It had been so clear sometime ago and now everything was hazy and unclear.

With how Chifuyu had been acting currently he wasn’t sure if what he’d said in the past was all
completely accurate right now. Their terribly odd way of becoming friends would make sense
given the circumstances, and yet they didn’t actually feel like friends at all. He could still feel the
tension between them of their past even with how Chifuyu acted. Maybe the fact that he almost
never smiled added to it but Chifuyu really just didn’t seem happy with anything at all. And
Kazutora was so out of practice that he wasn’t even sure that making friends how they had been
was correct and if it was then it still felt incredibly wrong.

Kazutora settled on putting all his thoughts on Chifuyu in his notebook. Everything he couldn’t
say to Chifuyu, everything he wished was okay to say allowed and everything he wanted to
remember stayed in that book.

April 25th, 2012

Kazutora- entry fifty eight

Friends is such a loose term that I don’t seem to understand. What is mutual affection supposed to
mean? I read that definition several times. That couldn’t possibly be used to describe Chifuyu and
I, if it doesn’t then I don’t know what words would. We’re not acquaintances or friends, I can’t
even call us rivals or enemies because Chifuyu has made it clear before that he is trying for
 something different. We’re not nothing. We can’t be nothing. If we were nothing I wouldn’t know
what to do with myself.

I use this word so much it’s started to sound incoherent, we’re trying. That’s what we are. I think
a lot of the time he does more for me then I can ever possibly give back to him. And yet we’re
trying. Again and again I feel myself failing with him and then I watch him push himself further.
And still I don’t think he really likes me at all. He can’t like me. If I could ask him to say one thing
out loud I’d ask him to tell me how he feels about me so I can stop guessing. I think I really hate
the current uncertainty we have. But I can’t as him how he feels. Not now. Not when he’s
hurting.

I think I’ve become selfish because of him. I’m asking for more from the wrong person. He holds
this power with his words that makes me want to believe everything he says is true, that I can ask
for things, that it wasn’t my fault, that he does like how I draw. There are small, insignificant
things that shouldn’t matter to anyone really but I can’t stop myself from holding onto his words.
They’re all I have.

I hate that sentence. I keep looking at it and I hate it because it’s true. All I have right now is from
Chifuyu. I wonder if he hates me for being so reliant on him.

As he was now he was always second guessing himself. It was sad in a lot of ways that the
kindness from Chifuyu had scared him and that he’d hated to feel reliant on him even when
Chifuyu showed his own necessary reliance on Kazutora as well. He wouldn’t see what he was
giving Chifuyu and focus on what he took instead. Even if it made no sense, even if there was no
reason for it he couldn’t stop. Not now at least. Right now he’d believe he gave Chifuyu nothing
at all and only took from him and burdened him. Even if it wasn’t true. Even if they were
progressing. He couldn’t stop himself from erasing their past five years.

They were unequal. Kazutora could not at that moment in time see how much he had truly helped
out Matsuno Chifuyu and how much he really needed the letter he’d just received from Kazutora.

Chapter End Notes

So this isn't actually a spoiler for my story becuase you can probably figure out how
long it'd take if you took the pattern and time increments and calculated it... don't do
that I'm just going to tell you. 8 more chapters till Kazutora's release.

I've done too much math and unnecessary research for this story. I tell myself all the
time that no one will look at any of it and run to look it up to match it with things
because that's insane and I do it anyways. Sometime I'm going to list all the
unnecessary details I put into this just so someone can appreciate it and think "wow
that's too much unnecessary detail".

WAIT happy one-month. Fake unnecessary anniversary

 Chapter 17
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

In June of 2012 Chifuyu stopped sending letters for the first time. And for the first time Kazutora
actually doubted that it was something he’d done. A few years ago, a few months ago he would
have been terrified that he’d done something to push him so far over the ledge that he would stop
trying to heal with him. Right now all he was worried about was whether or not Chifuyu was
okay. In the five years Chifuyu had been sending him letters he hadn’t stopped once. Even if they
were poorly written or angry or sounded like he didn’t care they still came. They came everytime
without fail. So by turn of logical conclusion something must have happened to Chifuyu because
when he sent his letter he didn’t get a reply, and he didn’t get a reply and when two weeks came
Kazutora was a nervous wreck.

Kazutora had come up with every possible (reasonable) possibility for why Chifuyu hadn’t
responded for two weeks. Some of his thoughts became worryingly long spirals into how long
exactly they would have taken and how bad any of it would have to be for Chifuyu to still be okay
at the end. Because Chifuyu had to be okay at the end. He’d say it wasn’t completely insane if he
wasn’t so worried. Kazutora doesn’t think he’s ever been so worried about anybody before, ever.

And then Kazutora got a letter relieving his very quiet but nonetheless apparent thoughts that
Chifuyu’s disappearance was for nothing trivial at all and that he had quite literally just died. He
felt immense relief to find that he’d been sent that letter and scrambled to open it as he fell onto his
bed for once, not being careful about the way he opened the envelope and tearing it open. He felt
his hands become shaky as he opened up the folded paper. It was either from excitement or nerves
of there being a letter in his hand. And really, it was all okay.

June 16th, 2012

Kazutora,

This isn’t Chifuyu before I continue. I am writing from his address but that’s just because he’s in
bed next to me making me write this. He was awfully persistent earlier in the week about this but
there wasn’t even anywhere to send mail where we were before. He’s okay.

Last week? No, two weeks ago he collapsed on the floor of the pet store and I called an ambulance
for him because thank god I was there. I don’t know what kind of an idiot he is to not have any
help, he was so stubborn about it too. He’s getting help finally for his store, it’s just Mitsuya’s
younger sister after intense fighting over it. Absolute headache, he is.

So, he collapsed, yeah? Several things: exhaustion, dehydration, malnutrition. He had to stay in
the hospital for quite a bit till his vitals didn’t look like absolute shit. He was so mad about it too,
he kept trying to go to work till Takemitchy stepped up and took time off work to run the shop for
him. God, he’s so hot headed. So he was there for a little over a week, got transferred and now
he’s finally at home under supervision.

He got real mad when they wouldn’t let him write to you. I can’t believe he’s been doing it for six
years. Anyways, he’ll probably be fine next week so you can just resume your regularly scheduled
programming then but till then I’m here on behalf of him to say he’s okay. He’s not dead, very
alive and angry and he has no idea what I just wrote. I’m gonna be pissed if you snitch and tell
him what I said about him.

Don’t worry about him, he’s just an idiot overworking himself. We’ve got it handled. Mitsuya will
beat him up for it once he’s better.

He said sorry.

,Draken

So that was what was going on. It definitely had freaked Kazutora out when he listed all the
reasons for Chifuyu’s hospitalization and collapse. He knew Chifuyu hadn’t been taking any
breaks but for it to get this bad was concerning. And yet he was entirely relieved, relieved that
Draken and Mitsuya were there to force him to take care of himself. Almost relieved that he’d had
to stay in the hospital for so long and be on a break even if it was in the worst place imaginable.
He was just so, so relieved to know Chifuyu was going to be okay.

When he first opened the letter he knew it wasn’t from Chifuyu the moment he saw his first name
without any honorifics. The letter had been so very Draken and just like his writing style in the
other letters he still occasionally received from him. Maybe he was a bit glad it was Draken who
got the privilege of staying by Chifuyu’s side and helping him and not anyone else, that way no
one who didn’t already want contact with him had to write to him.

He couldn’t quite imagine what Chifuyu was like when he was ill or snappy. Kazutora found it
funny to imagine him yelling at the nurses or Draken over something silly like a letter. It didn’t
matter really, to not send it especially for a big reason like that and even still Kazutora was almost
glad he’d caused a fuss over it. A little embarrassed maybe but happy. It was important to him,
that’s all it meant and that was enough. And Kazutora didn’t doubt him.

For the first time Kazutora didn’t doubt for a second that Chifuyu had wanted to send him
something back. He didn’t doubt that he wasn’t being abandoned and that there was just
something else wrong. And as stupid as it sounds he was proud. He was proud that he knew what
was going on, that he knew to trust Chifuyu and he was exceedingly happy that he was right.
Chifuyu had proved him right, that he was right to have trusted him that there was nothing wrong.
How nice it felt to trust someone and have it go well.

He’s been wrong before, to trust someone, to lose trust in someone. It took too long for him to trust
Chifuyu with too much evidence to back up his statement. Really, Chifuyu had never lied to him
even once and he was grateful for it. He always made good on his promises and Kazutora would
not count this one thing that was out of his control against him. He was right this time, he was
really truly right.

When he thought of Chifuyu sitting there for the next week annoyed and bitter over taking a break
he almost felt bad. Almost. He thought he’d do something to improve his mood or wish him well
or whatever people do so often in movies that makes for a cute getting better scene that Kazutora
had wanted to try out so many times. Kazutora just never really got sick or at least he didn’t think
he did. Any time Kazutora actually got sick he just waited till it was over because he found asking
for help over something like that to be worse than death. That or he really just could not tell he
wasn’t well.

Over and over he thought of something Chifuyu might like from him, something like a welcome
back or “I’m glad you’re not dead” but brighter. He remembers the only drawing of his that
Chifuyu genuinely fell for. He was positive he could never replicate something like that again and
yet he’d still wanted to have Chifuyu smile at whatever he did to list his spirits from having to sit in
one place all day and get better. He’d called it warm.

So, Kazutora took out his drawing book and went to work creating the warmest thing he could
think of that would still be appropriate on a get well soon message. And the more he draws the
more he thinks it really just does not look good but hell if it isn’t warm. He thinks maybe Chifuyu
will like it more if it looks kind of awful and so he continues with it, adding letters to the top and
folding the page. He’d really just made a get well soon card for him. It was half folded with an
incredibly poorly drawn sun (at least Kazutora thinks so) in the front with big awful script on top
that says “get well soon”. Inside of it or on the back side of his page he thought he’d write his
usual letter to Chifuyu just to get them started again.

Chifuyu kept this card for several weeks after on his night stand till it eventually made it’s way to
the back of his medicine cabinet as a reminder to take care of himself.

June 22nd, 2012

Matsuno Chifuyu,

I heard you were admitted to the hospital not so long ago. I guess not taking a break has its
consequences. I’m happy to hear you’re getting help even if it’s only from one other person. I
hope it can help you, Matsuno. There are people who want to help you, Matsuno.

For the two weeks we missed, don’t worry about it. Draken said you were quite adamant about
trying to get them to me. I don’t mind if you need a break. I’m admittedly more glad that you
actually did take a break since you’d been pushing yourself for so long. You must be some kind of
super human to have done that for so long. Besides, I think Baji would’ve liked having Mitsuya’s
sister there. You’re watching out for her now.

And Matsuno, please get better before you go back to work. I’ll admit I was quite worried about
you when you stopped sending letters. It’s okay to put yourself first and take care of yourself. I’d
prefer that for you actually. I think I sound like your grandmother in this. This is a get well card.
Obviously. Thus the sun on the front. If that looks bad don’t blame me, I really did try. I don’t
think I know how to draw a not awful looking sun though. So, get well soon. Come back when
you’re better.

-Kazutora

If he should have been embarrassed by that letter, he wasn’t. Kazutora felt he was in the best
mood he could’ve been in given the circumstances. He wasn’t smiling or happy even, he was just
incredibly glad that Chifuyu was okay and that wherever he was at that moment he was moving
forward.

When Chifuyu’s letters weren’t coming Kazutora realized that he really might be far too lonely
without the constant interaction from Chifuyu. If it weren’t for Chifuyu he thinks he might have
gone crazy from the isolation and lack of human interaction by now. He’d been willing for almost
six years to send weekly letters to him about anything he’d thought of or wanted to say. Many
times he wondered how they hadn’t exhausted every topic there is to talk about and everytime he
thought that there was something else to talk about whatever it might be, simple or not.

Kazutora often thought he was the worst person to share a conversation with because he never felt
he had too much to say about things. When he was with Chifuyu there was always a question or
statement in the letter he was responding to that would intrigue him and he’d have all too much to
say about it, every single time.

It was that constant interaction that kept him afloat. He’d not had enough time to dwell on exactly
how much it helped to not feel completely alone at all moments of the day. There was always this
knowledge in the back of his mind that Chifuyu would be there to speak to him soon. Thinking
about not having that outlet to speak into so frequently scared him a bit but he realized more and
more that that was not all he was worried about.

Kazutora, as much as he had preached for crying to Chifuyu all those months ago, he himself had
not cried in almost half a year. For the first time in probably ever Kazutora cried tears of joy. As
soon as he got Chifuyu’s letter after now four weeks of not hearing from him he gripped tightly
onto the envelope looking at the neat letters on the front of the envelope. He hadn’t realized he
was crying at first till he saw large wet tears fall onto the envelope. Quickly he held it farther
away from himself still looking wide eyed at it.

“I’m, I’m so glad. I’m so glad.” He held the envelope closely to his chest, whispering to himself
again and again with a very tight smile on his lips as his head fell against the wall next to his bed
and he looked up to the ceiling. “I’m so glad, thank god. Thank god…” Chifuyu had been going
through so much he just didn’t know what to do about it.

There was a strong sense of ease that fell over him as he knew people were finally helping
Chifuyu, that he wasn’t all alone out there. He hoped Chifuyu would stay in bed and eat and drink
water and tell everyone he needed a break. He hoped for so much but at least, at least he was still
okay. That was all he wanted really. Kazutora hadn’t even really thought about what he’d do if
Chifuyu wasn’t okay and the letters had stopped completely. What he’d do if the news in Draken’s
letter wasn’t good. And yet, it was okay. Chifuyu was okay. And he needed it so much.

July 1st, 2012

Hanemiya Kazutora,

I got your letter (get well card). I don’t believe anyone has actually sent me a get well card, or
anyone for that matter in like fifteen years. You’re really something else, you know that? It’s a bit
funny to see you draw so poorly knowing you’re quite good at it, drawing that is. I’m not sure if I
was meant to laugh at it or not but I couldn’t help it. You should go into card making, I’m sure
they’d love your design. I guess I just assumed drawing a sun would be easy for you? You’ll just
have to practice, I’m sure you can figure it out.

And I was not in that poor health that I couldn’t have written to you. They were just overly
cautious with me, quite annoying really. Draken told me I shouldn’t write with an IV in my arm so
I was just stuck. I am sorry though, it’s not as if I didn’ try to write to you. In fact I tried
exceedingly hard to make them give me paper. I’m sure it was an infringement of my rights to not
 let me have it. The point is that I tried to let you know and continue our conversation. I think you
know that though, don’t you?

They broke our almost six year long streak of letters over a hospital visit. Unimaginable. I’m
doing better though. You said you were worried. Don’t worry about it, I have given up and gotten
help. I think Mitsuya told my new helper that I was in the hospital. She keeps eyeing me when I
do things around the store and asking to help over the smallest incidents. I’d call it annoying if
she wasn’t really being very helpful by being there. Turns out having more than one person in the
shop is a great help. I hate to admit that. It’s been helpful.

I’m no longer ill, which is nice. I think I really really hate lying down. It was almost more
stressful lying down and doing nothing for such a long time than it was actually doing something.
But I’m good. I’m eating and drinking water and I have not collapsed since so it really isn’t too big
of a deal. Is it stupid to say I didn’t even think I was doing poorly? I really didn’t. I felt fine. I got
such a talking to from Mitsuya and Draken when I was in bed. Suddenly I was some kind of kid
getting harassed by his dads over school or something. Not once have I ever been in such trouble
with anyone.

They’re going to help me out with Baji’s mom. I told them. She has to get help. It’s stupid, I got
so stressed becuase of it. She’s going to be okay. I’m going to make sure of it. I’m going to get
her good help. Everything is going to be okay for once. I’ll make sure of it.

You’re so stupid telling me to ask for help. You were right. I didn’t want you to be right, you
know? I thought I could do it all on my own. My need to be stubborn evades me. I still don’t want
it. Though, I need it. God, I was meant to be telling you not to worry about me and look at what
I’ve said. A complete mess of a letter this is. You do a lot for me unfortunately with your stupid
advice. My own body works against me to follow it it seems. Got any more of that great advice
genius boy?

Anyways. What I wanted to say was thank you. You listened to me rant about it in a few letters
and you only gave me something helpful each and every time. Saying thank you to you feels weird
but I mean it. Maybe I’d be in a lot more pain than I currently am in if you’d simply said nothing
at all to those letters. I don’t know what to do a lot of the time. I just kind of put my thoughts all
at you and hope you don’t brush it off. You never do. I only half expect you to everytime. I hope I
don’t need anymore of your help in the future and we con continue whatever we were talking about
before I decided to be incompetent. That’s all.

Thank you Kazutora-kun

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

Chapter End Notes

I did not sleep last night and so technically I have ch. 18 written as well. Ignore that I
shouldn't have done that and know I'll update soon (not today) with that as well. We
are now halfway through the book.

Anyways, I love all your thoughts to death. You are all wonderful motivators for me in
addition to my own terrible brainrot over finishing this.
 Chapter 18
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

If Kazutora had read that right he’d just seen Chifuyu use his first name in writing. He gripped the
paper reading those three words over and over again in disbelief. ‘Kazutora-kun’. He didn’t
remember the last time anyone had said his name like that. Draken and the rest of the Toman
founders had always just called him ‘Kazutora’ no honorifics necessary and people here certainly
didn’t call him by his first name. Always his full name every single time. He’s actually grown
used to it but before it was incredibly irritating hearing that.

And Chifuyu. It was completely unexpected of him after his refusal to call anything other than
Hanemiya for so long. Even him taking away the honorific from his last name had been a big step
forward for this. This topped it though. Kazutora had so many thoughts about what had just
happened it felt like his brain was malfunctioning from overload. ‘Kazutora-kun’. It repeated over
and over in his mind burning inside his mind like wildfire taking over any other possible thoughts.

He’s said it. Not in a spur of the moment, this was an accident kind of way either. Kazutora knew
he’d had enough time to think it over and really Chifuyu’s letters were nothing if they weren’t at
the very least thought through. He meant to say it. It repeated in his head like a mantra he’d never
forget. He would be lying if he didn’t admit he’d really wanted to hear what it sounded like aloud
in that calm tone Chifuyu always seemed to have. ‘Kazutora-kun’, he’d never been so glad to be
called that.

Whatever he said next in his letter would never be as good as what Chifuyu had written at the end
of his. He knew that. And yet he’d liked to believe that at some point something he said would
stick in Chifuyu’s mind just as that last line did in his own.

In his next letter to Chifuyu Kazutora couldn’t bring himself to use his first name. He was fully
aware that there might have been an obvious invitation in what Chifuyu said and that he was just
turning it down but when he thought of writing it down all by itself it felt wrong. So, he didn’t.
Chifuyu would continue to be ‘Matsuno’ in Kazutora’s eyes a little longer.

July 17th, 2012

Hanemiya Kazutora,

Kazutora-kun, I couldn’t help but notice in your last letter that you neglected to call me by my first
name. Are you by any chance nervous to do so? You’re allowed to, if you’d like unless it makes
you uncomfortable. I just found it to be odd. I’ll give you my permission if that’s all that it takes.
It’s just that before you seem very adamant about not liking last names. Or maybe just your own. I
suppose I never thought about it only being your own last name that you didn’t like.

We are more familiar with each other now though I suppose, if you agree on that or not is up to
you. I feel I know quite a bit more about you now than I ever thought I might. Let’s just call in
natural progression to use your name. You don’t have to use mine though. I don’t mind. Anyways,
I have something else to talk about that isn’t this so we can stop thinking about this.

My pet shop has begun to finally do steadily well. The income has become steady and I can finally,
finally start to pay things off because of it. God, I was so worried I’d just be in debt forever. It is
far above even at the moment and has been for quite a few months and I am so glad for it. I am
suddenly a true adult. I suppose I was one the moment I got that loan though and leased the
building… Still.

Sometimes I walk out of the shop or I walk past it to go to something else and I’ll just stop and look
at it. I can’t help myself. I just stop and stare at the front of the store and it hits me that I own it.
That has to be one of the weirdest feelings in the world to me. There are all these things I’ve been
doing and plans I’ve been moving forward that when I finally stop for a second it hits me like a
truck. Just that sudden realization that “oh, that’s mine”. Isn’t that funny?

It’s nice after closing when I can just hear the rustle of the animals in their cages and terrariums.
Most of the lights are off for electricity bill reasons and it just feels calm. I like the pet shop the
most then. When you come and see it eventually I’ll let you see what I mean. You’re quiet, you
might like the atmosphere it brings.

Maybe I just spend too much time there and that’s why I enjoy it… either way I think it’s nice. Inui
said I should decorate it for holidays. I’m not sure how I feel about that. As I’m saying this I’m
realizing you might not know who that is if Draken never told you. I’ll assume he didn’t, he only
ever talks about two things. Inui is Draken’s business partner, they own the bike shop together.
They’re doing well. I’ll show you that too when you get out.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

Kazutora simply couldn’t bring himself to. There was no other real reason for it. Maybe he was
uncomfortable by it, he couldn’t seem to change that if he wanted to. It seemed disrespectful even
if it was clearly allowed and not something to be nervous of. Having it be Chifuyu who he was
nervous around was always nice however. When things got more difficult and Kazutora backed
away, Chifuyu always said exactly what he thought about it.

It was all so different from where they started. The cold Matsuno Chifuyu he knew would have
these large bursts of light occasionally that Kazutora never knew what to do with. He’d always
been so hard to get through to unless he was saying exactly what he meant and right now, right
now he was just warm and inviting. He’d never known Chifuyu to be completely inviting like that
and it all felt wrong to him. Or maybe Kazutora just couldn’t accept it to be right.

He’d focus on the pet shop instead. Kazutora was always worried he might’ve given Chifuyu truly
terrible advice when he told him to do it for five more years so seeing him love it was relieving.
Really, hating something for five years has to be awful anyway you look at it. Kazutora meant it
though, what’s five years, really?

July 24th, 2012

Matsuno Chifuyu,

You’re right as usual, I am nervous to call you by your first name. It feels wrong to use it for you.
Do you hate that I can’t do it right now? Though, that does not apply for my own name. You may
absolutely use my first name as many times as you like. I sound too eager right there. It’s just that
you’re correct. I do hate my last name. So if you have to call me by anything I’d prefer it was
‘Kazutora’, honorifics or not.

As for the pet shop. I’m a bit relieved it’s going well after what I’d said to you previously. You
have a lot going for you and I never know what will change just because things become hard or
not. You’re too stubborn for your own good. Working on one project for so long must be the most
tiring and exhausting thing in the world, especially how you’ve done it. Working on anything 24/7
would make me hate it I think, so for you to still like it? I guess I think that’s pretty great.

I really hope having Mitsuya’s sister there is helping you out. Always pushing yourself to the limit
how you do, I hope it stops. Not to sound too motherly with that. I’d just like to think you know
how to take care of yourself.

And I do know Inui though I didn’t know he knew Draken at all? That was a surprise. I’m
unfortunately very backtracked on what everyone’s relationships are now and what they used to
be. I always thought Draken would be doing something with Mikey? Or Mitsuya at the very least.
Though, I guess I really don’t know much about who everyone is with and likes and how
relationships have changed.

I will agree with Inui though. You should decorate your shop for holidays. It’d be kind of cute I
think. Put the cats in Santa hats for me, will you?

-Kazutora

Chifuyu continued to use his first name though it was never used by itself. And although he did
that he would still title every letter with his full name. He wondered if he simply didn’t want to
use Kazutora’s name without honorifics. Kazutora wouldn’t complain but he’d noticed the pattern
and he’d found it to be odd. He supposed they were both doing the same thing in trying to find
their comfort levels with eachother even if they fell on different levels with how at ease they could
be doing normal things like that.

If he was honest Kazutora never thought that Chifuyu would be the one to pull ahead in their
relationship. An odd thought considering Kazutora only ever wanted to let him take the reins in
the relationship since he for so long felt (knew) that he didn’t have any standing in their
relationship. Now that he has been given control of different things he felt like a fish out of water
floundering to get back to where they were. Even being close with Chifuyu didn’t sound like a bad
thing though, that was the issue. It sounded incredibly desirable and he wanted it desperately but
now that he was slowly making his way there instead of it being put off as a ‘would have been’ he
didn't know what to do.

All the rules he’d written for himself on what was okay and wasn’t okay to say to him didn’t quite
make sense anymore. The words he used so many times before were coming back to bite him
when Chifuyu decided to use them. ‘I don't mind’. Maybe Chifuyu really didn’t but Kazutora did.
Kazutora really minded. He, like everyone else in the world, really just did not enjoy being thrown
into a new situation. He did not enjoy being terrified and all he really wanted were some specific
directions to follow to find himself where he was supposed to go. Instead he found himself
stressed and in refusal to move forward.
…

Later in the year near the holidays Kazutora would get a letter pertaining to that last question he’d
asked. Frankly he’d just assumed it’d be an off handed comment he gave that never actually got
answered. Better than that when he realized Chifuyu had spent time thinking about it and had
remembered all these months later. It wasn’t something he’d even thought would be possible till
he’d gotten this reply.

November 29th, 2012

Hanemiya Kazutora,

So, I’m fully sure that you do not remember what you said to me quite a few months ago about
decorations, do you? If you don’t remember I’ll just tell you anyway because I have followed
through. I have about fifteen very small Santa hats made for cats. They’re green though so I think
that would make them for elves? I am going to put a picture in this envelope so you can see exactly
what I’ve done. I’m positive the cats are going to hate this. I just want you to know it’s your fault.

Mitsuya’s sister, yes, my helper? I told her about it once off handedly that you’d said it as a joke
and she got really excited over it saying we had to do it. When I told her I didn’t even think they
made hats for cats becuase that’s stupid and no one should ever do that she told me her brother
could do it. So for like a month I kept getting complaint calls from Mitsuya over these stupid hats
that I didn’t even actually want but he was making for me anyways. And this week he dropped
them off telling me they’d better go to good use. They’ve absolutely going to get pulled apart by
the cats, I just know it.

Now me and my fifteen cat hats were sitting on the floor as I struggled to get it on this one cat.
Cookie is an asshle it seems becuase she refused to let me for half an hour. The hat is on now and
it did look kind of cute, I’ll admit it. Isn’t cookie just the worst name by the way? Mitsuya’s sister
named it and after that I’m only ever letting her name fish. We’ve got a lot of fish named after
celebrities and show characters now.

On the subject of me relinquishing control of my shop to children. It seems to be a pattern now for
my friends to want to name the animals I get. I only ever let Draken name them now if I really
can’t come up with anything. Takemichi and Hina have proven to be fully useless in that
department. Really, I was glad to give some of them away with the cutesy names they had.
Naming the pets seems to be the worst part of the pet shop because at some point I just didn’t have
any more names I liked. If you have good names then you should list them for me.

That is my update for you. Enjoy the picture.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

Kazutora immediately turned the envelope out on his bed and shook it to have a singular picture of
a medium sized white cat with small brown colorings on it fall out. On top of the cat’s head and
 hooking under its ears was just as Chifuyu had said, a small green santa cap. Has Mitsuya really
made that? He couldn’t really imagine him making something so ridiculous or so many of them.
For his sister he supposed that made quite a bit of sense. He was really always spoiling them even
when they were younger. Now with more talent and money he could imagine that had only
increased.

Imagining Chifuyu struggling with the hat was even more amusing to him. He couldn’t help but
smile at the image of him with a squirming cat in his lap trying his best to hit the hat over its ears.
He must have been so miserable doing it. The picture was nice though. For the only picture of the
outside world he’d gotten in seven years he was glad it was this one. He could see Chifuyu’s hand
wrapped around the middle of the cat clearly trying to keep it still for the photo. It was so clear and
clean, far different from the chalky and blurry photos Kazutora had been used to before he got to
jail. He just kept running his hands over the photo and it’s glossy texture before realizing he might
ruin it that way with the oil from his hands and took to holding it from under the bed sheets to look
at it.

Kazutora thought he must really like having something that reminded him of Chifuyu in a good
place. It was such a small thing to be smiling at but truly seeing it did make him happy. Seeing
the outside world look bright made him happy. Seeing Chifuyu like that made him happy.
Kazutora felt so small in the grand scheme of things sitting and staring at that picture. Chifuyu did
so much everyday, sending that picture, those thirty minutes he spent were all so small. It wasn’t
something he must’ve dwelled over after sending it or really any other time that wasn’t when he
was writing letters.

That wasn’t true, he knew that wasn’t true. In the grand scheme of things however, how much
time and thought did Chifuyu really give Kazutora a day? It would never be as much as Kazutora
gave him, that was all that was certain. Even if it was hours on end Chifuyu had to be sure that
really, any ways you looked at it he was most of Kazutora’s thoughts every single day for years.
He wasn’t just something that passed his mind when he looked at a certain shop or heard a certain
phrase repeated, he was all of it. And as much as he knew it wasn’t an obsession or something he
could reasonably not do there’s only so much to think about when you only ever interact with one
person.

In every letter he was given it became more and more apparent that Chifuyu had a much larger
circle. Kazutora was always aware of that but before a little while ago he had barely ever talked
about what he did outside of speaking to Kazutora. It’s very easy to get caught up in the idea that
there is no one else when you can’t see it. For Kazutora that had been true, there was no one else
and yet reasonably it wouldn’t even make sense to believe Chifuyu was in the same boat.

They, to some of Kazutora’s worries, were on different playing fields. And despite all that he’d
choose to focus on the fact that Chifuyu was speaking to him at all. If he just focused on that then
everything was okay and they were as Chifuyu said on equal footing, that he didn’t mind. He’d
choose to focus on it because if he didn’t then he felt really really small in a pathetic and desperate
sort of way and he hated that more than anything. It wasn’t as obvious as some of his other fears
but feeling unimportant was never something he could deal with well. Kazutora wanted, even if it
was only to one person, to feel important.

Chapter End Notes

As always, I'd love to have your thoughts and comments, they are my favorite things
to read as of late.

6 chapters to his release

 Chapter 19
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Lately Chifuyu had taken more interest in things related to Kazutora. That being said it wasn’t as
if he hadn’t done this many times before and went on sprees of letters over asking question after
question on all things Kazutora related, it just happened this time he was more into something else.
Chifuyu had fallen into asking about his childhood. Now, it must have been quite obvious not to
ask about certain things pertaining to that subject and he avoided them rightfully so. He did
however seem to ask about what Kazutora was like as a child.

Chifuyu had really only seen Kazutora as a broken middle schooler and after. He had two wildly
different experiences with who Kazutora was as a person and so logically he assumed that he was
wild all the way till being put in prison the second time. An obvious conclusion to come to and yet
entirely wrong. He was not wild at all as a young child, at least not to the extent he was in middle
school. Kazutora was fairly reserved and kept to himself quite a lot more when he was younger,
not unlike how he was now. Explaining that all to Chifuyu had made him more intrigued. What he
really wanted to do was ask questions back but he fell into a small loop of answering any and all
questions that were on Chifuyu’s mind.

His most recent letter fell into the subject of jobs. Now, on Chifuyu’s end they’d already
exhausted the topic but not when it came to Kazutora. He always felt a little too interesting when
there were questions being asked about him. It was true he was interesting, as much as there were
quite a lot of things he didn’t like about himself he knew for a fact that he was at least interesting.
Though none of that to the point of the past six letters being all about him. For being so interesting
he felt he didn’t have too much to say about himself.

Part of him liked the interest that was being shown in him and the other part had no idea what to do
but squirm under all the attention he was given. There would always be a correct response to what
he said and Kazutora never seemed to give it. It was always half right or partially unanswered in
the end. It wasn’t as if he didn’t want to answer it, he did. He was just fully unused to talk about
himself in the way most people would have liked.

April 17th, 2013

Hanemiya Kazutora,

Somehow I never thought to ask you of your own childhood dreams. I floundered all over my own
explanation without ever letting you tell me about your own thoughts. I’ll ask now what it was. I
guess most kids want to be something stupid, did you want that too? Something obviously
unattainable and small. Was it something no one sticks with and changes their mind about it half
way through?

Did you know that when most people choose a profession they usually end up with (if they get to
choose anything) whatever made the biggest impression on them? Someone that ends up getting
saved by a fireman might end up and want to be one because they’ll live their life thinking they
want to save people. People who fall in love with animals want to be vets and people who dream
of the stars want to be astronauts. What made an impression on you, Kazutora-kun?
You told me once that there wasn’t anything you liked. Is that still true? If it is, you might not
even have an answer to this. I always wondered what you might want to do when you finally got to
leave. You have a bit to think about it though.

From,

Matsuno Chifuyu

And still he would always hate this topic. Kazutora could never find enjoyment in something he
had no connection to or ever planned on having. He’d answer it, he’d answer it as honestly as he
possibly could. There was nothing to hide about it. A job was just something he was never
supposed to have or stick around for long enough to have it even count. Maybe Chifuyu would be
disappointed by what Kazutora really meant by it all.

April 25th, 2013

Matsuno Chifuyu,

Nothing. Matsuno, would it be sad of me to say I’ve never actually wanted to be anything at all?
There’s never been a dream job or profession for me. No dreams in general actually. There’s just
nothing I’ve ever actually wanted to do, even now. So, unlike you who has two dreams now, I still
have the same dream I’ve always had. I really just don’t have any dreams. It sounds worse and
worse the more I say it but it’s true. There’s nothing.

When I was much younger and easy to push around by my parents I’d wanted to do something with
business I think. Not really, I can say for certain I was kidding myself back then and just following
orders in having the dream I was supposed to. My father was a businessman you see, he still is.
Probably. He had this plan for me when I was younger, I don’t actually remember much of it
which is probably good. Me and him were going to be the exact same you see. Well, and then I left
so I never had to follow through with it. Pretty cool of me, don’t you think? Don’t answer that.
I'm probably just uncomfortable writing it down. No, I’m definitely uncomfortable.

You asked though so I figured I’d tell you in full, or at least as much as I remember. The lady here,
the therapist, she called it dissociative amnesia. So I basically just erased what happened from my
mind. I’ve decided to call it a super power because otherwise it’s just incredibly sad. You know,
when people forget things it’s almost like they don’t exist. I started my life when I met Baji
Keisuke. Everything up until then as far as I’m concerned doesn’t exist.

-Kazutora

Nobody in the world that’s planning to die needs dreams. He’d had many answers over the years
to that very question ‘what are you going to do?’ They’d all been something to give, to please the
thought in someone else’s mind that he did not infact dream of death outside these walls. Kazutora
only slept with nightmares and at the very best of times he dreamed of the end. All that was good
in this world at it’s very end. Every answer he’d ever had cumulated in this one singular vat of lies
he’s told. There were no jobs he’d said he’d pursue that he remembered, everyone had gotten a
different version of the right answer.

Everyone but Chifuyu. He’d never tell him the whole truth but lying to him felt worse than telling
him the truth. I do not need dreams where I’m going, he wanted to say that. That was what he
meant. But he couldn’t. He liked to watch Chifuyu thrive so much it felt painful to bring him
down with his words. Chifuyu was living for a dream of eventually. Everyone around him was
living for something.

Who is the world is living for just tomorrow? Kazutora is living for less than three more years,
he’s living for someday. He’d been living for October 31st, 2015 for so long every other date felt
irrelevant. He wondered if he would feel so numb to it if it wasn’t such a nice thought. How many
days does the world get to suffer through Hanemiya Kazutora before it releases him to the ground?

In August Kazutora fell victim once again to Chifuyu’s questioning. All these months later and he
was pulled back into a much earlier conversation they had had all over again. What do you want.
Kazutora would always answer, it didn’t matter what was said to him, he’d answer it if he had
words, if he didn’t he’d make them up.

If he learned nothing else from Chifuyu he’d learned that asking was in fact not stupid and that
wanting wasn’t either. It’s not stupid to want things , always played so vividly in the back of his
mind when he doubted himself. He might not ask for it but he’d want it and even allowing himself
that felt good enough to him. And he did want something from Chifuyu. No matter how big of an
ask it was, he wanted something and Chifuyu would never let him off without an answer. So he’d
ask.

Kazutora would think it over and put himself out there to ask. In his mind it was something too big
to request and yet he’d ask anyways. What’s the worst that could happen? He could get turned
down. But he knew Chifuyu wouldn’t turn him down. In fact he knew very well Chifuyu would
give him exactly what he asked for no matter how many months it took he’d get it. Chifuyu
always kept his promises.

The ask was not big. It was incredibly disappointing to read as Chifuyu had already been planning
to do what he asked. Kazutora did not know what a big gift was yet. This did not count as a gift.

August 12th, 2013

Matsuno Chifuyu,

You ask me that too often and I never seem to get to ask you it back. There’s not much I could
reasonably give you though is there Matsuno? So, you can’t ask me that anymore after this week.
I think it’s only fair seeing as you’re the only one giving me things.

I do have something I want though. Maybe it’s too much to ask of you but I’d like to show you
more of my drawings. That’s what I want. I’ve filled the book completely. There is quite literally
no more space in it to fit things even if I wanted so at the end of it’s career as my book I’d like you
to see it. How unreasonably dramatic of me to talk like that. It is filled though. Some of them are
 for you.

Once, quite a while ago you told me you didn’t want me to draw anything for you but I couldn’t
follow through with that. I’ve tried to draw for myself but I think everything I’ve done for myself
looks so incredibly awful that it should’ve probably never been done at all. So I drew something
for you once, and then again, and then again and now I have quite a few pages of things I think
you’d like but would never know because you aren’t looking at them. So I’d like you to see them.
That’s what I want.

You always indulge me in talking about myself to the point that I’m a bit jealous you never let me
do the same. Where is the back and forth Matsuno?

-Kazutora

Truth be told Kazutora wouldn’t have sent that letter any other day of the week, any year forward
or past. He had just felt incredibly brave that hour and pained in his tender heart. Earlier in the
day he’s seen his therapist and their conversation was less than ideal. He felt he could not stop
shaking for most of it. It was as if he’d spent it wanting to cry so terribly and the tears were just
overrun by his paralyzing fear.

She’d brought up a sensitive topic that day and watched all the walls he’d built around himself
shatter like glass. ‘What are you going to do Hanemiya?’ and for the first time his answer was not
a lie, it was not nothing there was barely an answer at all as they shared horribly uncomfortable
glances back and forth before he could finally break out his voice in a whisper. I don’t know.

Kazutora had no real idea what he wanted to do when he got out for the first time. All he really
wanted to do was see Chifuyu once more or several times more or as many times as he could get
him to come. So he said he didn’t know because that was what was true, he didn’t know. He’d
always wanted to fix things, to help things heal, to see it all end up alright before the end but right
now he wanted something for himself.

He wanted to watch Chifuyu’s eyes light up as he gleaned over the drawings and maybe took
something he liked and asked Kazutora if he could take it home. He wanted to see Chifuyu trace
the drawings with his fingers and smile to himself about them. He wanted to dream about Chifuyu
basking in the light. He wanted it. The nightmares to be gone and his thoughts to be filled with
something warm if only for a day or two, only a few hours. He really truly wanted it and he could
bring himself to stop his impulsivity and not ask. So he did and Chifuyu would say yes because
Chifuyu always seemed to say yes nowadays.

So eventually they would see eachother once more and he’d get to see him smile all over again and
bask in his light because they were trying. He was trying.

Chapter End Notes

This chapter was a little shorter than usual- the next one makes up for it, it's longer.

I'm dumb and hurt my wrist so typing this was incredibly odd.
5 chapters to release.
 Chapter 20
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

When in life do you receive the things you want? Is it by chance? Or have you wished for it, have
you asked for it? The chances of you getting what you want are increased by quite a lot everytime
you open your mouth and say something about it or alternatively when you write a letter to
someone about it. Kazutora had never been used to voicing his wants or receiving so much for
absolutely nothing at all. He felt he could never get used to it and yet he thought he might have
liked it.

Chifuyu always went through with what was asked of him. It could have been concerning if it was
not so incredibly endearing. Besides, Kazutora never really had much to ask for from him even if
he was willing. It would make him wonder how much Chifuyu acted like this with his friends and
why he did it at all. Maybe if he didn’t speak so much he could still give tangible things. Or
maybe, maybe growing up lower class he felt giving gifts was the best possible way to show care
or thanks for something. Giving something you don’t have much of is always an admirable thing.

October 31st Chifuyu made good on his unspoken promise to visit Kazutora again. On all of the
dates to visit him Kazutora had assumed this would be the only date he would absolutely not come
on. And yet he was there putting surprise on his face all over again from being called to go to
visiting. Chifuyu knew no other way to be than entirely surprising and off putting.

Today when he walked through the door Chifuyu was already staring right back at him expectantly
and for once in all the time he’d been getting called out he was the only other person in the room
besides the guards. No one else was visiting today whether that be for the holiday or work. It was
only Chifuyu sitting in his same place as always despite the vast amount of space they now had to
take over. He sat there in his own low cut sweater showing his neck and collarbones more actively
than before and his hair less put together than normal and yet all together pretty as normal.

It was funny how often they started their meetings just staring at each other. The two of them
never seemed to stop doing that. It was a ritual of sorts. They always started out testing the waters
swimming in each other's eyes. Chifuyu almost always spoke first and then they fell into things. It
got easier to do each time and Kazutora noticed he’d stopped gripping onto his seat so intensely at
some point. What was there to be scared of right now?

“Your hair is longer than last time. Are they going to cut it again?” Chifuyu was eyeing his hair
that had fallen very close to his shoulders, they must have missed cutting it when they were
supposed to. Kazutora hadn’t even noticed till it was pointed out, he immediately brought a hand
up to his hair to inspect. “It doesn’t look bad. I can see it on your face that that’s what you’re
thinking.” He was right. Kazutora was thinking exactly that, ease fell over him as he let his hand
fall away from his hair.

He shifted in his seat keeping his hands from his hair. In truth Kazutora didn’t completely know
what he looked like. He didn’t exactly have an accessible mirror, of course they did have some
plastic kind of ones in the bathrooms but he rarely used them. So he would choose to believe
Chifuyu that he did not look completely awful especially since Kazutora was aware Chifuyu looked
so nice all the time. “I hope they cut it soon… I can’t tie it back so it’s a bit annoying right now.
You should stop reading me though, I might get embarrassed.”

He was embarrassed even saying that much and still he didn’t like to watch Chifuyu know him
well. A long time ago he’d been the most confusing person Chifuyu had ever met, in fact he was
told quite a few times that he didn’t make sense to him. That seemed to be ending slowly. “Don’t
get me wrong I barely know what you’re thinking but your face can be very expressive or... no.”
He thought it over looking at the table trying to think before his face lit up and he snapped back to
Kazutora with his eyes entirely too lit up. “Your eyes! Yes, I can read your eyes. Even if the rest
of your face is dead, which it is more often than not your eyes always have something to say. It’s
so weird I’ve never seen anyone look like that before. It makes you easier to read.” Chifuyu
brought a bright laugh at the end of his sentence knowing he must’ve sounded at least a little bit
foolish talking about Kazutora’s eyes speaking.

Kazutora didn’t think so though. No he didn’t think it was foolish at all. He just hadn’t had anyone
analyze him at all since Baji and was taken off guard. “I didn’t know I did that… I didn’t know
you were paying so much attention.” That’s what he wanted to say, what he was thinking the
whole time. Repeating in his head at Chifuyu continued. When was he really looking at me? And
the truth was that Chifuyu looked at Kazutora more often than he knew. The only issue was that
Kazutora was always looking away.

“Eh? What did you think I was doing then? I take our visits very seriously.” They were so
focused on each other trying not to break into smiles at what was said. From that alone he could
tell the visit would fall into one of their more positive interactions and be something close to
enjoyable. He’d bask in Chifuyu’s light as much as he could.

And so Kazutora would do his best to play along. “Of course, sorry. I take them seriously as
well.” Chifuyu nodded, finally breaking to smile at him before reaching over to tap on the table
right in front of Kazutora and reaching his hand out. “What?” It took him a bit of staring at
Chifuyu’s outstretched hand and the obvious clicked into place.

He pulled out the book he’d had in his lap and the obvious reason for their visit in the first place.
He didn’t hand it to Chifuyu at first and instead slipped to the correct place that he’d thought was
the last place he’d seen in the book and then gave it to him. Chifuyu fell back into his seat book in
hand. He stayed on the first page that the book was opened to for quite a while before flipping
past it. Kazutora always appreciated how much time he truly spent looking at the pictures, it
showed care and interest that he’d been lacking in his life.

There would always be pictures Chifuyu liked more than others but there was never one he didn’t
take his time with, not this time. It was as if knowing that Kazutora had wanted to show him these
had changed his perspective and made him more patient, more precise with what he was doing. He
knew this was important. “You really have a lovely style. When you meant there was no room in
this book I almost didn’t believe you but these pages are really really full aren’t they?” He turned
it slightly back so Kazutora could see his own work. The current page was filled with a full
drawing and many smaller ones all crammed into the page. At some point he got into drawing
backgrounds and filled in almost every page that had a sketch he wasn’t so fond of with designs
and backgrounds. There was quite literally nothing else he could have fit in those pages.

“I had a lot of time…” Somehow that was more amusing to him now than it should’ve been. It
had just sounded so normal to say once it was something audible. He did have a lot of time.
Chifuyu took to smiling at that and turning the page once more.

There was one particular page he’d been stopped on and Chifuyu was smiling quietly and softly at,
“that’s Peke J.” Oh. Kazutora had completely forgotten about that picture. He remembered a
while ago when Chifuyu was gushing over his cat that he had wanted to draw something about
him. There were actually a few pages of little comic strips Kazutora had drawn to the scenes
Chifuyu had described of him. One of them had been what he remembered was Chifuyu’s favorite
memory of the cat with Baji and Peke J sitting on the bed having an active contest of who could
meow the loudest. That was actually his first and only time drawing Baji. He’d felt in a trance
when he drew it and just needed to get it on paper. Once it was done he barely remembered doing
it but it felt cathartic. He really didn’t want to forget Baji’s face.

Once Kazutora realized what the drawing was of his eyes snapped to the page. “Wait, I’m so sorry
I should’ve taken those out before giving you the book. Matsuno, wait, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-” He
was cut off by Chifuyu’s small and bright laugh filling his ears and seeing his face turn to a glow
as he looked over the drawings flipping through the next few pages.

“I love them.” And that was it for him. Maybe they had changed, maybe they were getting better,
at least Chifuyu was. It was a turning point in Kazutora’s mind, a realization that things were
different between them, a sudden and forceful halt to his continuous train of worries and an
obvious change of lanes. Everything was screaming at him to just keep watching and he decided to
listen. “They looked just like that, it was absolutely ridiculous. A good half hour of their back and
forth… this one too. Peke looked so upset in the sweater my mom put him in, he hated her for a
good week after that… I can’t believe you drew these.” He had never seen Chifuyu’s eyes shine so
wholly before, the shine of someone who’d had happy memories in their life.

Kazutora who had just been so paralyzingly nervous just a moment ago felt his heart heat up so
quickly he felt frostbite was possible. Warm. “Your words just got stuck in my head. That’s all. I
wanted to see it like you did, or something.” He gestured to the pages Chifuyu was running his
fingers all over. “You can have them, you know. The drawings. If you want…” And Chifuyu did
want them. Without another word he was taking his time to tear out the pages evenly and
properly. He put them in a small pile on the table next to him sharing a small smile with the art
before bringing himself back to Kazutora. They’d both given things to each other as reminders, not
on purpose perhaps but everytime Chifuyu looked at those drawings he would think of Kazutora.

“Thank you Kazutora-kun.” He’d read that line before and now for the first time hearing it
outloud had been better than he imagined. How warm could a person be? “I’ve never actually had
anyone draw me anything before you. Your first drawing of Peke J, it’s hanging in the pet shop
now.” Better than he imagined. Kazutora never really knew what happened to any of the
drawings he gave Chifuyu but hearing that he had kept it and hung it up no less had been more than
he expected.

There were many more drawings to be flipped through and Chifuyu continued to take his time with
them pointing small details he liked out to Kazutora and listening when there was an explanation
needed to be given. They spent so much time going back and forth that they had barely noticed the
time go by. Five more minutes. Leaving would always come with that same promise to write and
meet again later that never left him feeling empty.

Before leaving Chifuyu jolted as he closed the book remembering something. “Wait! I forgot I
brought this for you.” He took a slightly thicker book than the one Kazutora had in his hands at
that very moment. Chifuyu placed the new leather bound book in front oh him. “I can only wait to
know if you ever end up actually liking this but the fact that you filled the last one feels like a good
sign to me. Besides, you’ll never actually know if you stop after you’ve only gone through one
book. So, I’d like more of your drawings. This can be self indulgence on my part if you don’t
want to say it’s for yourself just yet. Entertain me Kazutora-kun, won’t you?” Kazutora placed his
hand over the book, feeling how cool the leather was on his fingertips. It was a lighter brown color
this time and obviously more expensive than the last one.

“Well I can’t really say no… Thank you. For the book… for seeing me. I can’t not indulge your
wants if you’re always indulging mine, can I Matsuno?” For once their banter was back and forth
and soft and sweet. They’d never been quite this sweet before and Kazutora had wanted it to last as
long as it possibly could.

He went to open the front cover before Chifuyu placed his hand on top of the book to stop him.
“Open it after I leave, yeah?” Kazutora nodded. They spent their last five minutes with Chifuyu
gathering his new things and Kazutora stacking his books and eventually just smiling at what
would be left of the other when they were gone. It wasn’t a bad way to end it.

Kazutora always wanted to walk Chifuyu to the door but he would only ever get to watch him walk
away. This time, and the first time he’d ever done it, Chifuyu waved to Kazutora before he peaked
out of the door and left him alone in the room with the guards. He could hear it in his head from
the gesture, next time.

Quickly as he got there he was taken away again to sit on his lonesome. He’d forget about that for
the moment to look at the book he’d promised not to open till after. It really was a nice book he
had to admit. It almost made him feel bad to use such shitty pencils to draw in it. Opening the
front cover there was a note on the first page just like every time before.

If Kazutora had not wanted to harm the book in any way he would have ripped this page out and
kept it as close to him as he could. He’d repeat some of these lines to Chifuyu after keeping his
promise.

Hanemiya Kazutora,

I hope that one day when everything has gone cold for me you’ll draw something warm that burns
my heart and then I’ll know you like it. Liking things has always been a difficult thing and anyone
who finds it easy must not really have any good reason for holding onto what they like. I don’t
know what good it is being so talented at something it won’t bring you the slightest bit of joy. I
will never not find joy in looking at your art. It is gorgeous Kazutora-kun and if that means
nothing to you at the very end of this then that will still be okay.

And if you do find you like it, that you really like it then I ask you burn my heart once more just like
you did that first time. I’d like to see something really warm come from your hands and paint the
page Kazutora-kun. I’ll be waiting.

-Chifuyu. Just Chifuyu

Just Chifuyu felt like an invitation to something Kazutora wasn’t sure he could go through with
quite yet and yet it was entirely on the table. If he wanted he could and wasn’t that the entire point
to it? Not yet Matsuno, I’m not there yet.

To know that the very same person who had been burning his heart all this time had already felt
warm by anything Kazutora had done was a feeling he’s never experienced before. It was just,
correct. Now that’s not a feeling but there are no words for how entirely right it felt to him. He’d
just hold onto that feeling to remember at a moment's notice when he wanted to give up and think
that maybe, maybe that would make everything else less awful. And so he did.
 Kazutora promised to someday burn Chifuyu’s heart with his art just as much as Chifuyu did to
him. He’d not realized just how much of Chifuyu’s heart there was left to melt. He could not be
the only one who’s heart was frozen over after all. Without caring to look around Kazutora had
just assumed that the only one looking for warmth was himself.

November 1st, 2013

Matsuno Chifuyu,

What do you read to make your words feel like that? I heard once that the way you write is in
direct correlation to what you read and how much you read and if that’s true you must be the most
literate person I’ve ever met. Is that allowed? I’m always taken aback by your words and how
much they seem to resonate with me each and every time. I’m impressed probably, captivated?
Yes, I’m captivated.

I’m still figuring it out, you’re right. I can’t figure out how to make anything glow Matsuno.
Maybe I’ll like it once I can do that like you said. I don’t hate it though, and I don’t feel nothing
for it. I don’t even feel particularly good at it though but I can tell they’re interesting and I guess
I’ll take interesting for now. Interesting isn’t good but it’s promising don’t you think?

You do so much for me I don’t know what to do about it sometimes. I just watch you give me
things over and over and I never have any words for them. So if I have words for nothing else I do
for at least this one thing. I want to say thank you before I change my mind or get nervous. The
book. All the connotations behind it, the physical object, everything it means, the words inside,
thank you. Thank you a hundred times over for it. I don’t care why you felt the need to give it
because I have it and I just can’t tell you how I feel about it enough. I never seem to end up really
saying thank you to you over anything. Thank you Matsuno. I don’t know what to do about you.

-Kazutora

After all those years of being gifted things by Chifuyu Kazutora had really never had the will to
really truly thank him. Words would never be enough of a thank you but he felt he needed to say
it. Saying thank you was not like saying sorry, saying thank you was giving, was appreciation.
And he was appreciative, oh how ever was he appreciative for Matsuno Chifuyu. No one had ever
done, will ever do as much for anyone as Matsuno Chifuyu had done for Kazutora. There were
good people in the world and then there was Chifuyu who was not inherently good but had done so
many good things that maybe that fact didn’t really matter. If Chifuyu had ever done anything bad
in his life he had made it all up with what he’d done for Kazutora.

And he wanted to say thank you. He wanted to tell him so many things that would never leave his
mind and find its way onto his paper and so he’d say as much as he could right then. He’d say it
even if it was only a short paragraph, a few lines and it would never measure up to how he felt.
Kazutora knew that and so he didn’t say more than he did for fear of saying it wrong if it was too
long. Thank you, thank you a hundred times over. Thank you to Matsuno Chifuyu.

Chapter End Notes

I wrote this chapter all in one sitting in the span of 3 hours.

Self control? Zero.

 Chapter 21
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

When had they crossed a line in their relationship that labeling became necessary? Was it when
Chifuyu started calling him by his first name? Or perhaps when he asked Kazutora what he
wanted for the first time? Maybe they had needed a label all the way back when Chifuyu stopped
writing all his letters about Baji and instead began speaking to Kazutora. The gradual evolution of
the two of them had needed a name since their feelings had shifted. And really, in the end, it was
only Kazutora who didn’t know what he felt.

If he were anyone else, if he were any less of who he was, any less straightforward then Chifuyu
would not have been so bold about his asking. If it were up to Kazutora they would have tiptoed
around that subject for as long as they possibly could, maybe when they both died they could talk
about it then. And yet it was not up to him of when they spoke about it because he had Chifuyu
and Chifuyu cut no corners and always drove them straight to the point. It’s always now or never
with him.

And as always Kazutora wasn’t prepared, how could he be? Something that dictated their
relationship hanging in front of him had never felt like a good idea. But Chifuyu would bring it up,
he needed clarification. And there was nothing innately wrong with that either. He couldn’t find it
in himself to be annoyed or upset because if he was honest he’d needed clarification just as much.
Kazutora had needed it just as much, just maybe not in the way Chifuyu was going to decide to do
it.

March 31st, 2014

Hanemiya Kazutora,

I’ve thought about this subject quite a bit and realized what I was missing was your input on it. So,
Kazutora-kun, what would you call us? There are a lot of words I think I have for you previous
and current emotion I’ve felt about you all through the years. I have a whole list of words of things
I feel about you. Would you ever venture far enough with me to call us friends at this moment?

Maybe? Even if it’s loosely said and awkwardly fitting, would you still say it? I think in my own
mind I believe we’ve made it far enough to use that word. Almost eight years I’ve spoken to you,
almost seven we’ve gone back and forth without fail (please do not hold my ill several weeks
against me, I beg you, it haunts me). In those years I think I’d say I know you fairly well. You
know me don’t you?

Look it up in your dictionary, the definition. Does it fit for us? Do you hold mutual affection for
me in a caring sense? I’ll tell you that even if you don’t think the same that it’s mutual on my end
at the very least. Kazutora-kun, am I overwhelming in this letter? I feel a bit overwhelming or too
direct toward you right now. Asking to be friends seems so childish and yet necessary.

I’m laughing at myself for asking because maybe it feels quite obvious to you what we are. ‘Are
we friends?’
From,

Chifuyu

But it hadn’t been obvious. In fact that very same question had fallen in and out of Kazutora’s
mind repeatedly since their last visit and yet he could never genuinely answer it. For the longest
time he felt he didn’t have a word for what they were supposed to be but now here it was being
offered to him. Friends. Is that what they were supposed to be now?

If it was, didn't Chifuyu’s actions make sense? There was never an exact moment he could
pinpoint as to when the two of them had stopped speaking to each other as a means to an end but
arriving at this point felt very sudden and all at once. Suddenly this was not just a necessity but
something out of want out of ‘mutual affection’. How long he wondered had Chifuyu understood
that he felt that sort of affection on his end? It was almost hard to believe, no it was really hard to
believe. Even if all the evidence had pointed to it he wanted to believe it was fake.

Kazutora didn’t completely understand why he wanted that in the moment. He just didn’t want to
believe it. And still, Chifuyu had never lied to him, had he?

It was only till much later when he was reading the response to his letter that Kazutora understood
the important phrase ‘your words have meaning’. For so long it had been easy to hide behind the
thought that anything he said would mean nothing, or that most things he said meant nothing.
Words are such easy things to put out into the world and that can never be taken back. It wasn’t as
if he didn’t understand this concept before, he understood but it was the first time it was his words
and not his actions that had done harm to someone else. There is always a better way to say
something. He’d hold that thought much closer to himself later on after finding the repercussions
of this letter unfavorable and harder to handle than most. Chifuyu’s reply would hurt the most
after all the context was on their relationship.

This was the one of the burned letters that was not Chifuyu’s. In a moment of panic Kazutora had
answered with this and later understood he truly didn’t mean a word of what he said.

April 7th, 2014

Matsuno Chifuyu,

I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to this. When in the world was our reconciliation a
possibility to the fullest extent? Is that wrong of me to say when you’ve just been so open in your
feelings to me? I can’t truly accept that you mean that. I want to say yes to you Matsuno. You
have to believe me that I want to say that really badly but I can’t. We’re not friends. We can’t be
friends, you have to know that. You said it yourself once, if I were someone else. If only that were
true.

I don’t know if we ever really could be friends Matsuno. Not with what I’ve done. I’d be too
worried of you changing your mind at any given chance. So yeah, maybe I want it but it’s too easy
to go back on once it’s said. But really Matsuno, what about us is friends? We’re not like you and
your friends, you know that. It’s not the same. Are you just lowering your standard on friends so
much to include me into this?
We’re not. I wish I didn’t mean that. I want to say yes. But it’s a no, isn’t it? No, we’re not
friends. It’s difficult to even imagine us being friends, isn’t it? I want to say yes. We’re not. Don’t
wait for me this time Matsuno, this I’m firmly set on.

-Kazutora

He didn’t say yes. No matter how much he wanted to please Chifuyu he could never lie to him, not
where they were at now, not to that question. He said no, he said no but in the back of his mind he
knew the correct answer. He knew he was just terrified of that question because the honest truth of
it was that they were already friends, there was no way to explain them if they were not. And he
said no. They were, but they couldn’t be.

Chifuyu and Kazutora could not be friends for many reasons. Kazutora could still not believe he
would not want to leave him at a moment's notice after establishing that for one. It’s much easier
to leave something you already have than something you’re building, he thought. He was still
doubting himself even right now.

The other more difficult reason was that Kazutora could not forgive himself if he were to make
Chifuyu cry over his death. That was it really, what it came down to. He didn’t understand that at
the time, he wouldn’t understand it for a couple more years actually and when it would hit him it
would be something devastating he wished he hadn’t known. It was the kind of information about
yourself that once it’s pointed out everything else fits into place and the world stops for a moment.
It festers in your mind thereafter because it was always true and now it was noticeable
everywhere.

We’re not friends, and it’s my fault. He hadn’t wanted to keep trying on this one point, not then.
This one thing had made him more nervous than anything else possibly could. It would be
unfortunate for him in the long run.

This anxiety would all cumulate in and out of this one letter. He’d sent his reply to Chifuyu and he
would always get a reply. Do you know what it’s like to have the only person in the world that you
admire be disappointed in you? Kazutora had had Chifuyu hate him, get angry at him, cry because
of him but this had to be one of the worst feelings. There are always worse things in the world but
this would hurt immeasurably. He could not feel worse about it. He’s never felt like more of a
child than right now.

April 14th, 2014

Hanemiya Kazutora,

I’m not sure what to feel about what you said. I never actually expected you to say no to me on
that letter. Full of surprises as usual. I don’t actually know what to say at the moment. I just
never found you to be stupid Kazutora-kun. For someone who isn’t stupid you seem to have a lot of
real stupid reasons for not wanting to be my friend however. No? Why not? Give me a real good
reason why not and I’ll back off because I don’t think you have any. There aren’t any are there?

If I wasn’t serious, why did I ask? Do you doubt me Kazutora-kun? When have I ever lied to you
before?
If people like us were never meant to reconcile then the very essence of the word forgiveness is
meaningless. People are not objects to be tossed aside and if I were to throw you away the minute
things became hard I might be a very different person than I am. After almost eight years you
really can’t tell that I might genuinely be trying to do anything other than heal by speaking to you?
Eventually I’ll forgive you, I know that. So why can we right now not call ourselves friends while
I’m still getting there? If we are never to be called friends it is not because I might change my
mind but simply because you are too insecure to think otherwise.

Grieving, heartbreak, all those things take time to heal so why can my forgiveness of you not be the
same? When did the world become so one dimensional that you and I could not be friends before
that? I’ve always thought you were going to be the one to give good advice and say intelligent
things but the moment those reasonings have to be applied to yourself you chicken out? Don’t be a
coward, Kazutora-kun. You and I might be something more than friends but to at the very least not
let this be a starting word means you are much more cowardice than I once thought.

In my life I have not been able to choose very many things for myself and in that life I have held on
very tightly to the things I wanted for myself. Tell me, do you not think eight years is holding on
enough?

From,

Chifuyu

And he was, Kazutora for once in his life felt like a coward. If the topic of their conversation was
anything else he would have been much more terrified but instead all he felt was guilty, all he felt
was sorry. The disagreeable feelings that came with his own letter were not something that would
fade quickly, they were not something that could be taken care of easily. All those god awful
feelings stirring within him would come to the surface when he read those lines over again. He
was a coward, wasn’t he?

It’s enough. It would have been enough for as long as Chifuyu was choosing it and yet he could
not understand when they had changed. He’d felt a dire need to take back his word that had
invalidated any of what Chifuyu was doing. He was no better than anyone telling him not to send
the letters in the first place. Wasn’t he the only one in the world who should have been on his side
for this matter? Failing his position over and over it felt like even if he hadn’t failed in a long
time.

He wondered what he could have said to make Chifuyu sound less hurt in his letter. If words had
failed him then what should he have done. Kazutora felt he had nothing he could have done.
There was nothing he could have done.

Words are not the end all be all of a relationship. Words can hurt and words can burn but as long
as there was affection still melting his heart they would be okay. If he could do it all over again he
might have done the same thing just to hear those necessary words from Chifuyu. When did the
world become so one dimensional that you and I could not be friends before that? He wondered
the same. When exactly had Kazutora become so narrow minded as to not be able to open his heart
to Chifuyu’s own obvious wants.

Once before Kazutora had said he would fulfill Chifuyu’s wants, that if he was able he would do
just that. So, now that he was able, why was it that he couldn’t follow through? It was always
time with the two of them, eventually sitting on the edge of his tongue and resting in the back of
his mind. Eventually. ‘I’ll do it all for you eventually.’

July 9th, 2014

Matsuno Chifuyu,

Do you think that there are people in the world who aren’t scared of things? I mean that in a
genuine way, I’d like a response if you have one or thoughts on this at all. There must be
someone… right? We can’t all be terrified. Everyone is scared of something. I heard that once, I
don’t remember where but I couldn’t stop myself from thinking how untrue that must be. I’m sure
I’ve met people who are not scared. Not scared of death, of loss, of dreams of any of it. In fact I
thought it had to be most people that weren’t scared of anything at all.

Maybe I thought it was untrue because I am sure that I must be the most terrified person of all.
Still, in the back of my mind I thought, who could possibly be more terrified than me? And if there
was then what a sad person they must be to be more scared than Kazutora. And so there is no one,
I can’t believe it. There are unimaginable things in this world and that is one of them, there is no
one. Matsuno, why do I want there to be no one?

For so long I thought that there must be so many people in the world scared of terribly small
things, unimportant things, boring things that have no right to be scary. I hated those people.
There must have been something wrong with them because I had been scared of so much. And now
I think what awful thoughts those were. Undeserving thoughts that I should not have had. I think I
must have been so incredibly stupid to have thought something like that, Matsuno. You can laugh
if you like, it really was a terribly stupid thought of mine.

So now I’m wrong. I know I’m wrong. I know I’m wrong because as much as I have very large,
obvious and overwhelming fears I also fear very small and stupid things. And the crazy thing is
that Matsuno, I really don’t find them to be stupid or small at all they’re just terrifying. They’re so
paralyzingly scary to me that I can’t even imagine doing anything about them because it’s
impossible. I think it’s impossible and I know that. Over and over I will convince myself that it is
rational. It is rational even if all the evidence says it isn’t, even if I know deep in my heart that
nothing bad will come of it. Even then. Even then I am terrified.

If I told you no before I was wrong. Who takes 3 months to decide something like that but someone
truly terrified? I was wrong. I was wrong. I was wrong. I’d say it so many more times for you to
understand that I mean that. You and I might go back and forth for as long as it is reasonably
possible from forgiveness and friends, and as long as we are still friends then that is okay. It’s
okay. I’m going to tell myself that till I believe it because truly, I want it to be okay.

If I deny you the right to forgive me while you are my friend I might never forgive myself. So, this
will not be on my list of regrets. We are, we are, we are. I will do my best Matsuno, I might be
rusty and terribly out of practice but I will try. Even if I cannot tell anyone else that I have you
locked in mutual affection I will write it here to you and that will be enough. It’s mutual Matsuno,
I’ll say it right this time.
 -Kazutora

Although he was expecting the change of heart, Chifuyu yelled at Kazutora for this letter. He
believes the words were, “How dare you leave me hanging for three months on something I
already knew you were okay with?”

Chapter End Notes

I scream (I have never once spoken in all caps this is the necessary word for my
rambling still) about this enough on twitter but I cannot get enough of your art,
playlists, comments etc.
Truly, I think it's the coolest thing in the world. For anyone to stick through 60k+
words of me writing something that I initially started to fill my own thoughts
expecting nothing from it as there was a very small amount of Kazutora/Chifuyu fics, I
find to be very wild. Still, I feel as if I cannot say thank you enough for the things and
words you give me.

3 chapters then Kazutora's release, I hope I will not disappoint you all.
 Chapter 22
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

The very last time Chifuyu visited Kazutora in prison was December 25th, 2014. Over the next
year Chifuyu would become increasingly busy and unable to come back to see him one more time.
Neither of them were aware of this fact at the time but the promise of next time would be much
later than either of them intended. Though throughout the next year both of them would
continually keep their hopes up for the possibility of the next visit and be continually let down
when there was nothing to come of those hopes. Kazutora in particular never lost faith that
Chifuyu would come one more time even if in the end his faith was misplaced.

If he could have done it again maybe he would have gazed a little longer, captured him a little
more clearly and held his image a little more closely. Kazutora knows it is not the end of the world
that he did not and yet he wished to have something to take back with him after Chifuyu left. For
someone who could not take pictures of anything he surely tried very hard to keep a mental image
of him at all times. There are faces that should never be forgotten.

Finally a warning to his visit again. Chifuyu had stopped giving notice of his visits long ago but
for whatever reason he had made sure to let Kazutora know of his next visitation date. Holiday
visits were always better since they could see each other for longer and although Kazutora felt
guilty for having him miss his other friends and family members (his mother) he wouldn’t trade it.
If he could only take an hour, he would. And Chifuyu initiated it anyway, so there was no reason
not to indulge in his presence.

He’d waited patiently for the day to come and all over again he’d felt nervous to see him knowing
their relationship had now taken a step into a different direction. Once more were their feelings for
eachother clear and that would make all the difference. Always being on unclear terms the new
label finally given would change his thoughts in all kinds of ways. Starting with this is the first
time they would have met in person since allowing the use of the label ‘friends’.

And he thought that maybe his own added nervousness was the very reason for the warning in the
first place. Always so unconventionally considerate. Chifuyu gave what Kazutora needed each
time and never disappointed although neither of them ever knew if it was exactly right. They’d
always just been guessing and feeling it out to see if anything was wrong. Today, nothing was
wrong.

Seeing Chifuyu on holidays always felt a bit odd and had made Kazutora wonder more often than
not exactly what he did for holidays or really if he even celebrated at all. He knew that he often
visited Baji’s mother on major holidays along with his own mother but what else? If he had time to
see Kazutora on the holidays he figured he probably didn’t do much or really enjoy holidays at all.
That wouldn’t be surprising, Chifuyu didn’t strike him as a terribly festive person anyway.

Today Chifuyu wore a dark green sweater over a white collared shirt, his sweater had a small pin
with a cat next to what looked like a christmas tree on it. The pin was a clear indication that he had
come from work and did not have time to change. Kazutora couldn’t have imagined him wearing
that for any other reason than formal festivities. Sitting across from each other felt more natural
than anything Kazutora had done in the past nine years, it was almost comfortable. Chifuyu’s
arms were crossed on the table in front of him, he looked a bit tired but thankfully not in a
worrying way.

It was Chifuyu who broke the silence with his growing smile as he looked Kazutora up and down.
“You got your haircut again.” He’d remembered their conversation from last time and it brought
Kazutora to a point of ease at seeing that bright smile again. “You look nice. The shorter hair, it’s
nice.” The clarification was needed but oh was it appreciated. Kazutora would never turn away
from Chifuyu’s compliments.

“Thanks. Nice pin.” It was clear that Chifuyu had forgotten he had it on at that moment when he
looked down at his shirt. He immediately took it off and put it in his pocket clearly not enjoying
that it was pointed out.

He folded his hands back on the table. “It was from my mother. She was very adamant on my
doing something to show I cared about the holidays.” If Chifuyu was someone who rolled his eyes
he would have been doing it right about now at the end of his sentence. He was clearly enthused
by his own story.

“It’s very festive of you.” Kazutora couldn’t stop himself from smirking as Chifuyu grumbled his
annoyances. The pin was a bit cute though or at least Kazutora thought so because it was
definitely something he would have worn if he was in Chifuyu’s position. Cat pins, holiday wear,
he’d at least would have liked to try them out. Besides he thought it suited Chifuyu.

There were times when Chifuyu would want nothing more than to avoid speaking of himself and
times like today when he’d been annoyed or tired of something and wanted to give all his emotions
to someone who was just as interested as he was. Kazutora was always ready to listen. “Today I
had at least a dozen people come in for adoption. I don’t know why they all couldn’t have spread
out their visits. For the most part people just book appointments but all these randoms just showed
up to overwhelm me it seems. Though, quite a few of the pets had gotten to go to families so I
guess that’s what matters. Still, people have no respect for customer service workers. The pet
shop is going to be a bit empty till we get more rescues I guess. That’s it. That was my day.”

Kazutora wasn’t actually good at responding to any of what Chifuyu said but he could listen. He
could listen and try his best to follow up even if that follow up was awkward. “And then… how
are you now?” He watched as Chifuyu’s tense expression relaxed and he seemed to realize how
annoyed he just sounded. He also seemed to realize exactly where he was location wise and who
was sitting around him. The few people that were visiting today paid no mind to them however.

“Right now? Right now I’m good. Yeah, I’m good.” And the rant was over while he fell back
into their own comfortable air. “So Kazutora-kun, Merry Christmas then.” Getting the obvious
visit purpose with over early it seemed. Chifuyu played with his hands on the table in front of
them.

Maybe it was hard to say since it really didn’t feel like Christmas sitting there with the two of them
locked knowing eyes and silly little sad feelings put away. It hadn’t felt like Christmas once in the
past nine years and maybe the reminder was always a little sad but still, “Right, Merry Christmas
Matsuno.” It wasn’t Christmas right now in Kazutora’s mind but this was better, he was with
Matsuno Chifuyu.

They had taken their time greeting each other till Chifuyu decided it was time to give Kazutora
what he’d actually come for. He placed several pictures on the table in front of them. The pictures
were of the pet shop’s animals, some of them at least. Some of the cats had little sweaters on,
probably courtesy of someone who could sew. “You know Draken still talks about you to me. He
said he hasn’t sent a letter in quite a while. Do you… miss him?” Chifuyu turned the pictures
around to show Kazutora them better. Kazutora kept his eyes on the pictures in front of him as
Chifuyu held his gaze to his face looking for anything.

It was a difficult question to answer. He didn’t want to sound ungrateful for how much Draken had
spoken to him over the years because really he was the only one other than Chifuyu who stuck
around for so long. And yet, and yet, “I miss him. Yeah, I miss him. He’s someone who I care
about, how can I not miss him?” He didn’t want to. If it were up to Kazutora he might not miss
anyone at all, ever. He does not want to want things that he cannot have. Is that not true for
everybody?

“And Mitsuya… you miss him?” He could see Chifuyu eyeing him trying to pick up on any
reaction that was to be given from a statement like that. Kazutora had seriously started to wonder
if Chifuyu was trying to make him feel bad right now.

Kazutora let out a pained breathy laugh as he locked eyes with the picture refusing to look up.
“Come on Matsuno, that's not fair. I miss all of them. I can’t help it…” Who was Kazutora not to
have terrible wants? As much as it pained him to admit, he did miss them. He missed them quite a
lot. Having no friends (one friend) for an increasingly long period of time, that got to be so
incredibly lonely. So yeah, he misses them and he wouldn’t tell it to anyone but Chifuyu.

He could feel the slight pain in his chest tighten as he thought about his former friends. How he
wishes he could have held onto them a little longer and not ruined everything. Kazutora, who’s
eyes were focusing on the picture saw something else come closer to his face and before he could
move to back away Chifuyu’s hand was tapping on his cheek. Chifuyu’s hand left as quickly as it
came. When Kazutora looked up he could see Chifuyu leaning slightly over the table holding a
picture close to his face.

Chifuyu held up a picture of a little cat with dark and blond stripes and passed it to the middle of
the table before pointing at it. “This one is tiger. Draken said it reminded him of you… so tiger,
for your name…” Kazutora leaned over the table to have a better look at the picture in front of
them, staring at the picture he felt his cheeks go warm. He looked over the picture for several
minutes before looking up at Chifuyu who had his eyebrows furrowed and was sporting an
understanding smile.

“You named it?” He was searching in Chifuyu’s eyes for some kind of affirmation to that
question. It was a yes, Chifuyu hadn’t nodded or said anything but Kazutora understood from his
eyes, he’d named it. “I like it.” Kazutora slid the picture closer to himself and held it in his hand.
So this is what Chifuyu thinks of me.

The shift to friendship felt so noticeable to Kazutora although they hadn’t actually done much of
anything different. Once something is pointed out it becomes so easy to see everywhere. This is
what friends do. This is because it’s mutual. This is that affection that was in the definition.
Although Kazutora had had friends before no one had quite been his friend like Chifuyu had. It felt
so different that the label almost didn’t fit, but this is what it was, right? Mutual affection. He
surely held affection for Chifuyu. Kazutora held affection for a lot of people, Chifuyu is just the
only one that stuck.

He’d wondered if he’d had that long set up just to show that one picture. “Matsuno, why did you
ask me about them?” They were supposed to have a nice visit… nothing is certain when Chifuyu
is there though. He couldn’t place exactly what was on his mind when he decided to ask those
questions. Surely he was not trying to antagonize Kazutora.

Finally they could look at eachother again, Kazutora would never know why it was so hard to look
at someone he wanted to stare at for so long. “It’s been bugging me. That’s it. That’s the
reasoning. Just thought that it must be difficult with just me… something like that.” He’d never
seen Chifuyu speak in such a roundabout way about anything before. He had especially never seen
him be so roundabout about something pertaining to himself.

Before he knew it he was responding, the words came out before his thoughts could catch up with
what he was saying, “Just you is good.” Kazutora then understood what he’d said and blinked
heavily at his own words, swallowing in the sound he opened and closed his mouth, figuring he
had nothing to say after that. Was it true? Yes. A bit embarrassing though.

Chifuyu blinked back at him before smiling back in a way that didn’t mock. He was just
understanding. “Just you is good too.” They sat there smiling stupidly back at each other. He
knew Chifuyu didn’t mean it, that he had lots of other people who were important to him, people
he needed but he would have liked to believe it. That just him was good.

If it was true Kazutora might have felt at peace with everything. Just him wasn’t good but he’d
believe it even if it was only today. It could be true if he wanted, as long as he was looking with
that stupid grin and widened eyes at Chifuyu, then it was true, wasn’t it? If only for a little longer,
it was true.

December 28th, 2015

Hanemiya Kazutora,

“Just you is good.” I can’t get that out of my head since you said it three days ago. I liked it, I
liked when you said it a lot. No, I still like it. In fact I think it’s a very nice thought that you
unintentionally put into my head. And yet, and yet it should not be true. And it isn’t true. Just me
is not good. Is it?

You should have more. There is so much you cannot bring yourself to ask for, to want and yet it is
so necessary that you do. Want more, pine for more Kazutora-kun. I am angry for you, I think you
deserve more. For someone who asks for the smallest, most trivial things when I ask you sure
want a lot more. If no one else will tell you, if everyone else has decided not to say their thoughts
aloud then I will voice my own thoughts. You deserve more.

I sometimes wish there were words I could say to tell you what I really think about you but I have
never come up empty so many times before. People should speak to you more. Tell you how they
feel about you more. They should. Because I know they’ve forgiven you. To them you’re their
friend. They should suck up their own dumb fixation of pride and tell you they miss you too. You
should know.

When you get out we’re going to visit all of them and you are going to see for once that they really
do miss you just as much as you miss them. You’re going to see it and you’re going to cry and
you’re going to think “wow Chifuyu was right”. You’re going to think that and you’re going to be
so glad because of it because I am right. They miss you. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now,
 you’ll see it. I’ll show you. It’s true Kazutora-kun. I’ll convince you.

From,

Chifuyu

Kazutora felt as if in a very odd way Chifuyu was standing up for him. He was voicing his opinion
and taking Kazutora’s side. Now he could not possibly imagine why that was or why he was so
angry but he felt cared for. He enjoyed that feeling quite a bit. He liked being cared for by
Chifuyu.

Chapter End Notes

Writing this felt like a fever dream. I wrote it in two halves and I cannot recall any of
the dialogue as I write this. I am posting this becuase I really want to post ch. 23
I waited an entire day.

2 chapters to Kazutora's release

 Chapter 23
Chapter Notes

In case you don't follow my twitter and didn't see it there or saw the update and
clicked before reading it I just updated back to back. In case you accidentally skipped
ch. 22 (this felt important to mention in case anyone got confused)

See the end of the chapter for more notes

As his release grew only ten months away Kazutora began to feel a sense of panic. A sense of
panic in what he would not be leaving behind, in what his release really meant. Completely
disappearing is a scary thought no matter how you look at it. He had ten months to prepare for his
release. After being in jail for over nine years, ten months felt incredibly short in the grand scheme
of things. He had something he still needed to do before his release.

Kazutora realized more and more that every memory he held onto was something only he had and
only he had to share. People feign a lot of originality in the world but memories are one of the only
things you can have that is completely your own. He’d understood for quite a while how important
those memories were to keep people alive after they’ve died. Even if he did not care for keeping
his own memory alive he’d surely want for certain others to be alive long after they’ve died. If all
of his memories were what were left of Baji, if all of his memories were things that would be
forgotten than those of Chifuyu, of Baji would all be put into a physical form.

If he even just left the book somewhere for someone to find, then they could keep on living. He
had a limited amount of space to write it all down in his notebook, only fifty or so pages left so he
would only give the most important memories he had of them and write them down.

These are some of the excerpts from Kazutora’s 50 page manuscript on Baji and Chifuyu from
January to August of 2015.

January 1st, 2015

Something important-

I’d never been included in a team till I met Baji Keisuke. In fact, I’d never really been included in
anything before. For the first time in my life I’d become inseparable with someone else and I was
okay with that. He told me once, “what are you holding the whole world in your mind for?” And I
don’t think he ever really knew what he was saying to me at the time. It should have been more
important to me before but I took those words for granted when he said them. He was never huge
on words and language but I remember those words so vividly in my mind. Occasionally he’d say
something so world-altering to me that I couldn’t process it and I’d end up just staring blankly into
his eyes till he hit my shoulder or brought me back into my surroundings. Here is every good
piece of advice I learned from Baji Keisuke (some of these were not said allowed, and so they are
not in quotes):

“Only stupid people and romantics are happy”

He followed that up with “that’s why Pah and I are always smiling.” Then he grinned at me like
the fool he was. I never thought he was calling himself stupid when he said that. Baji was a
romantic, I knew that the moment we met. He loved to go through with big gestures and large
shows of affection to say he cared about you. Even if they weren’t inherently born out of romance
they were always done out of love. I’d never seen someone do so many stupid things for someone
else before, I really did think he’d lost his mind at the time.

Baji was right though, I might have changed his statement a bit but he was right. No one smart
and without love is happy. I wasn’t really sure if he actually meant romance, I think he loved his
friends more than anyone who was actually in love could have. Again, he was not big with words,
I’m sure he would have said it differently if there were more words available to him. For someone
who was only ever in love once he surely had quite a few loves before that.

“What good are people who follow rules blindly?”

Once we’d done something incredibly illegal, we never got in trouble for it but when it happened I
remember his mother giving him a speech on being a “law abiding citizen” and that is what he
said. In the context he used it he really did have no right using those words but he did. Now
they’re better because he’s done quite a bit more actions following that rule since then. Sometimes
I thought Baji must’ve been robin hood doing all these illegal and moral acts for the people.

Really, what good are they. He was better than good, rules be damned. If you find a rule fits
outside of moral reasoning then really, what good is it to follow them?

(If I don’t take care of them then who will?)

He never said those exact words but watching him care every night and day for random cats that
had had nowhere else in the world to go, I knew he meant it. “I just like it.” That’s what he said
but he’d always complain that there were so many starving cats without homes all around the city.
He had a sense of duty stronger than anyone else I knew. Who else is going to help? No one, it
was true that no one else was going to help.

I think when I thought of this I saw how much justice he really wanted to fight for at any given
moment. He thought that if he saw an issue then he was the only possible person that could have
fixed it because no one else would. He was right a lot of the time. There are all kinds of problems
to be fixed that no one else in the world cares about. If not him then who? If not you then who?

“Even if it’s just you and I, then it’ll be alright.”

I realize how absolutely cheesy he must sound right about now. He might’ve been honestly, I just
think I never noticed it while I was by his side. He and I often did things all on our own and I’d
always wondered if he’d hoped someone else might tag along. It was never the case though. I
often never thought he’d actually wanted to be anywhere else besides right next to me with
whatever we were doing, wherever we were. No one else seemed to like me just as much as Baji
did. Once I asked him if he’d gotten bored with our activities and that was what he said. He gave
a variation of that to me quite a few more times. We were always a pair.

I figure, if there isn’t anyone else in the world for someone but one other singular person than
that’s alright. As long as there is one other person laughing at your jokes, enjoying your company
and seeking you out then nothing else matters, does it? If it was just he and I, then it was alright.

(Unconditional love is true and rare)

I don’t think I’d ever been loved by someone before him and so my idea of love had been so skewed
that I never understood any of his actions at the time. What he had was unconditional love. He
had it for a lot of people but I like to think ours was special. In the mind of Baji Keisuke I could
never do anything wrong. I’d never known a love like that and so I did not understand it to be true
until it was so blatantly the world I was living in that nothing else could be possible.

If there is someone who loves unconditionally they are the true treasure of the world. That is
something incredibly hard to do that not much of anyone can do or compete with. They are to be
held onto at all costs and treasured dearly for everything they are worth. I’d be selfish with a love
like that because it doesn’t come often and it rarely comes true.

March 7th, 2015

Something Important-

One of the first things I ever did with Baji Keisuke after he’d declared our friendship was go to the
top of the tallest building we could find and watch the sunset. He always had a thing for the stars.
It was one of my most favorite places in the world after that. Watching the sunset with someone is
an increasingly good way to build a relationship, I know that now. Getting to watch someone in
their purest form looking at something beautiful, there’s no possible way to get out of that liking
them less. I believe people do things like that in a similar way to people who go to see art
museums with others do. You’d just like to watch their reactions.

He watched me for most of the night instead of the sky. I could never point it out to him how much
he was really staring at me that day. Baji always seemed to have no real recollection of how much
he made the people around him nervous and flustered. Though, for me, I always enjoyed how he
looked at me. I felt cared about in his gaze. I’d never seen the stars with anyone before that
night. I wouldn’t trade that night for anything. He always seemed to have something wonderful he
wanted to do no matter the time. Nothing could have ever possibly been boring with Baji Keisuke
by your side.

I’ve liked anything up high since that day, he told me once that places high up feel as if you have
no connection to the world and that you could do anything you’d like. He was right. The higher
up you go the more the world below you feels small and unimportant. To see the stars is to see the
possibilities in the world. “Everything feels much more possible and good when you’re staring at
the stars, doesn’t it?” That was such a good line even at the time. He’d given me so much hope in
the world, to also give a line like that to someone who feels so trapped in their existence… he
must’ve been a genius.

He brought me to different taller rooftops many times after that, always taking me away from my
life and letting me live so recklessly on the tops of buildings with nothing else in the world but Baji
Keisuke. Anytime I felt ill with my life, had a particularly bad day we’d always end up on some
roof looking at the stars. Baji was the first person to ever really show me the stars. I’d never been
so grateful to be looking at something before.

Once when we were on top of a roof after I’d had a particularly bad day we were watching the
stars on the very edge of the building. This was the last time we were ever on top of a building
together I believe. Baji took my hand and kissed the top of it how you see people do in movies
before they dance, except we didn’t dance and he just held my hand for a real long time after that.
I never had the courage to ask him why he’d done it but I wish I had. His hands were always warm
to the touch and rough all over. He’d held my hand many times before that to drag me all over the
place but that day had been different. That day he’d held my hand as if he loved me and cared for
me. I’d have held on a little longer if I knew it’d be the last time.

He always seemed to like to be touching if he could help it. He’d wrap his arm around your
shoulder, bump into your shoulder repeatedly when you walked, slam into you with hugs, anything
to be close to you. Baji had never been so bold before that night because for once I knew exactly
what he wanted. We were going to hold hands because he’d wanted it, no questions asked, no
gimmicks he had just really wanted it. And so we did. He held my hand till both our hands were
clammy and the air could not cool it down. All night, just us and the stars with his hand in mine.

May 29th, 2015

Something Important-

Some people go their entire life looking to fall in love never to find it. And some people, some
lucky people find love early on in life and those people always seem to treasure it the most. I never
was one to believe in soulmates or really one to believe in true love in general but all my skepticism
was thrown to the wind at Baji Keisuke and Matsuno Chifuyu. No one has ever been in love quite
like the two of them.

At the time I’d felt incredibly jealous to see how much Baji truly fell for Matsuno but I can’t
imagine there was anyone who wasn’t. Who looks at a pair like that and doesn’t wish to have the
kind of love they did? I don’t believe anyone who says they didn’t look at them and believe
wholeheartedly that they were the standard for love. Everything you could have wanted out of
being loved seemed to come so easily for the two of them.

I remember once Baji had described Matsuno as “an absolute riot”. I’d never seen him so
enamored with someone else, so wholeheartedly captivated and shook to his core with emotion.
There was this moment where I remember it hitting me that he was in love, I’d never had a word fit
so well for an emotion. “Ah, so this is love.” He was the first person I ever thought to be truly in
love with someone else.

The word ‘soulmate’ comes to mind when you think of how they were. It is the only correct word
for them. Chifuyu once told me that Baji Keisuke was the only person in the world who he truly
understood without words or actions, he’d always just know what he was thinking. And maybe if
Baji were someone else that might’ve been less impressive but I knew Baji. He was terribly hard to
read and impulsive and wild. To read someone like that, I think you’d have to really be something
else. And for Baji it was exactly the same.

They, the most difficult of pairs, would have had the most wonderful confession of love. I had only
seen them twice in person and twice was enough. I’d heard it all from the two of them exactly how
much they meant to each other. Chifuyu was always direct and Baji’s roundabout way of
confessing his love for Chifuyu to me stuck to me like glue. ‘I love you, I love you, I love you’ said
in any way but in those exact words.

If he’d only said it aloud.

June 15th, 2015

Something Important-

Who in the world let there be Matsuno Chifuyu? I’d like to kiss that person’s hands and tell them
thank you as many times as they’d let me. Never before have I been so impressed by someone’s
entire being. If you can learn nothing else I’d like to tell you about Matsuno Chifuyu’s eyes. I
have never seen something hold so much weight before and yet hold so much hope in them. If you
have the chance, I’d look into his eyes if only for a moment to feel just as warm as I do when I look
at him.

How I might never tell him how I feel about him in a true and definite way. Words fail to describe
what I think of Matsuno Chifuyu. Some may go their entire lives looking for what I have found on
complete accident and to those people I am sorry. I am sorry that they do not get to have and see
Matsuno in his entire light because that is truly a sight. So I’ll describe him to you best I can so
someone might imagine what it has felt like every moment I choose to be burned by his flame.

Some might find the sun to be warm and yet they are wrong because Matsuno exists and in his full
he burns like no sun can. If I were to look at him too long I think I may go blind from how bright
he’s become. I’d continue to look though, if you could really see him as he is sitting in front of me
you’d find it hard to look away as well. His eyes are blue and for someone so warm his eyes are
cool as the night. His gaze can be icy and harsh and feel so painful it makes you feel as if you’re
dying. I haven’t seen it as of late but I’ll never forget how cold his eyes can feel. The duality of
man, if you will. If I sound more flowy or poetic or as if I am going on too long about him you’re
mistaken. The words only come so easily when the subject is good and ever is the subject good.

If you met Matsuno and he told you he was fine he’s lying. I know that now, that there has never
been a time when he was truly and honestly fine. He’s always been honest to a point that he would
believe himself in saying that he is fine. If you happen to know him, lend him a hand if you can.
He’s too important to be struggling on his own.

He once told me something I hold very close to me at all times, he unlike Baji has always spoken in
a cool and direct way. None of his words have been accidents and I hold it all highly. Once he
told me that is not stupid to want things. I haven’t been the same since. I figure now that even if I
never get to say it outloud I do not have what I desire because it is something so entirely human
that I cannot bring myself to hate it any longer. I’ve never admittedly wanted so much till I met
him.

So, if you can. If you get the chance. Look at Matsuno Chifuyu and ask him how he’s doing for
me, will you?

August 17th, 2015

Something Important-

Once we were foretold to be good friends and now I sit with that label above us and it is for once
true. Baji had said once that Chifuyu and I might’ve been good friends once we met and for the
longest time that was the most bittersweet lie. I’d never thought we could actually do it. And here
we are. I’ve been getting letters from Matsuno Chifuyu every week for over nine years. In my life I
have feigned consistency quite often and yet these past years consistency has been nothing but true
and I not need pretend at all.

Once and the only lie I’d ever thought Matsuno told me was that he wasn’t busy. He said that to
me once and I believed him till I realized that wasn’t actually what he meant at all. Of course he’d
been busy, of course he had things to do. What he meant when he said that that day was “I’m not
busy for you.” And I wondered really, how difficult anything might’ve been for him deciding not to
be busy. People usually do not choose to be busy, in fact I think they avoid it at all costs but
Matsuno chose to be busy. He decided to do everything he could all on his own for as long as he
could. And yet, for me, he was never truly busy.

Even a year is a long time and yet he, for closing in on nine years, sent me letters each and every
week. I do not fathom the time. Dedication and loyalty to not begin to describe how much of a feat
that is. There have been great things in the world and this will top all of them that were for me.
There is, and I mean this truly, no way I could have lived through the entirety of my sentence
without him. It turns out that healing on your own is much more difficult than I ever imagined.
Matsuno made sure it wasn’t alone. It was never really alone.

People go crazy in isolation, people break all on their own but I was never allowed to truly break
with Matsuno. I’d be much different than I am now if I had not had him there with me over the
past nine years. Everything he’s taught me and given me, I’ll keep it with me till the day I day.
Here is the most important thing I ever learned from one Matsuno Chifuyu.
 Forgiveness is not linear, or necessary or the end.

Some days he’s forgiven me and some days he has not. I can see in his words, in his eyes when he
had not forgiven me. This up and down process of every so often will always be the most
important. Never should I expect us to follow a straight path on our way to the end he’s chosen. I
follow him through the ups and down of everything we are. There are days when I understand he
is angry, when he is hurting, when we are not friends at all but it never lasts long. He follows this
path that is winding and hard to see the end of but he never stops. It is not linear because it is
stupid to believe that people as complex as he and I would ever do something simply over our
situation. I’d never needed to be forgiven by anyone before in such a difficult and necessary way,
in fact I don’t think there has ever been someone who wanted to put so much effort into forgiving
me.

It’s unnecessary. One of the first things I realized was that he did not need to actually be doing
this at all. What he wanted, what he needed was something so difficult to do that in any other case
with any other person I don't believe he or anyone would have done it. You do not need to forgive
people if what they’ve done is awful. I know that. Believe that makes what he does so much
greater by comparison then. He did not need to do it, it was unnecessary and yet he did. He took
the time to do it all right and by the end of it I do not know if he will be happy but he will have
forgiven and that is all he says he wants. It is unnecessary but so difficult and great.

The end. I always thought that if by some miracle Matsuno were to forgive me that there would be
nothing after that. And when that became something that would be untrue I felt a very large
change in what I thought was true. Forgiveness is something that takes time, I know that and yet I
figure by the end of it there is no need to continue the relationship because that is the end.
Forgiveness is the end. But for Matsuno that was never the case. There is something after that
end and he is waiting to find it. I’ve never believed someone else so wholeheartedly as I do him. If
he says there’s something more than I know that I have to believe it because really, when has he
ever lied to me?

...

Kazutora would write over thirty pieces fitting as much as he could about the two of them in it as
he could. He figured anything in Chifuyu’s letters would not be necessary to add but rather things
from their visits, things he’d learned were more important to document as to not double his
information. Baji was more difficult to write for because truly Kazutora had not thought of some
of these memories for a very long time. There was more he wanted to say and more he couldn’t fit
but at the very least if this was all someone ever learned about the two of them then he thought
he’d done an okay job.

Two more months till his release and Kazutora has never been so terrified.

Chapter End Notes

This chapter is the longest one I have written so far. I am admittedly a bit proud of this
chapter though. So I do hope you all liked this chapter.
One chapter to Kazutora's release
 Chapter 24
Chapter Notes

Please enjoy Kazutora's very last letter before his release

See the end of the chapter for more notes

One more month. He cannot fathom the time that is only one more month. It almost makes him
feel sick to know he’ll be leaving at the end of the month. Isn’t it true, that when you’ve done
something for so long it becomes difficult to imagine yourself doing anything else? And now even
if that anything else is something he’s been waiting for and the current situation is unlikeable it’s
that comfort in ‘this is how it’s always been’ that will be his downfall. As far as Kazutora is
concerned, leaving is absolutely terrifying.

He cannot for the life of him picture what everything outside of these walls even looks like. He
does not remember what many things look like if he is honest and yet that might not even matter
because things are surely different outside these walls. Ten years has a specific and distinct
meaning with the underlying fact that everything as he knows it has changed. And what is he to do
with that?

Spending the month feeling so very unwhole and tired. For someone who had nothing but time for
the past 10 years he had deteriorated his sleep schedule with overthinking. No one, no one had
ever thought so much about something as Kazutora had in his last month. October was always the
worst month and that was never more true than in 2015. He spent night after night when he
eventually slept shaking and waking up with nightmares worse than usual. Kazutora had never
actually stopped having nightmares, almost every single night before and now it had been every
time he fell asleep. There’s not a single person who would want to fall asleep if they knew they’d
wake up crying every single time.

There is no possible way to explain what the realization of a countdown for your death might feel
like. He promised though. He could not stop thinking of Chifuyu when he thought of dying.
There were so many more things he had to say to him, so many more stories they’d needed to
share. There was simply not enough time in the world for them. They would always go between
nothing and everything at all. How close they were to being nothing. Terrifyingly, it would be
nothing very soon.

It is quite hard to actually picture your own death and yet that is all Kazutora has done throughout
the past month. He had pictured his own death again and again till it didn’t actually feel like
anything at all. Is it wrong to feel so numb to your own death and still want to say goodbye? He
wonders how hard it is, to really say it for the last time.

Maybe even if you’ve been knowing something will happen for ten years it is terrifying for it to be
so real. Very soon he would die. And yet, and yet he still felt he had something to do. There must
be something he had to do. He needed to speak to Chifuyu. He still needed to thank Chifuyu. He
still needed to say goodbye.

On his very last letter, his longest letter, Kazutora would figure out how exactly to say goodbye
and thank you for the last nine years to Chifuyu. How to say goodbye to his one and only true
affection.

October 26th, 2015

Matsuno Chifuyu,

This is my last letter to you. We will no longer be sending these back and forth every week which I
cannot begin to tell you how odd I find that. Has it really been nine years with the two of us? I
can’t even picture what everything was like nine years ago, my memory seems to be put into a
messy state at the thought. How can we possibly not be speaking to each other next week? That is
most of my thoughts I’m afraid. Though, this would not be a farewell letter without all of my
obvious thoughts and feelings being poured out to you. It’d just be too unnatural to change that all
now.

I’ve never held anyone so dearly till I met you. If I told you that you were important to me that’d
be a lie. What word is important when you who is cardinal to my own happiness are more than
that. Paramount to my life. How can I say that in better words for you to know what I mean? I
will never know any of your thoughts as well as you seem to know mine and yet you still call us
mutual. I hold that term close to me at all times of the day, I hope you know that. Putting all of my
thoughts on the line like this really does put in perspective that this is the last time for us. And if it
is the last time for us I have so much to say before that. There is still so much I wish to tell you and
I will hold off to tell you what I believe is most necessary and needed for me to say.

Matsuno, how do I say thank you to you? Where are all the words I want to give you and all the
pretty sentences I want for you to see? How is it that for once I am at a complete and utter loss
after having words for you for so long? I’m embarrassed to say that you in all your glory have
completely changed everything in my life and I can never not be grateful for that. How could I? If
you had even the vaguest idea of how much you mean to me I’d be terribly and completely abashed
at the very thought. Everything in my life that is warm and whole and lovely is because of you.
How much I wish I could say that my own hands will not let me to tell you that I am grateful.

Thank you. That is not enough and there should be better words for what you’ve done and yet
there is only this so I will say it again. Thank you. Thank you, for the care and affection you’ve
given me when I have not deserved it, not from you. Thank you, for your gifts, your gifts of words,
the physical objects, the time you’ve spent and every want of mine you’ve filled. Thank you for
every single letter and for sending them every week without fail. Thank you for your necessary
advice and patience with everything I am. Thank you for holding on for so long. Thank you for
waiting for me. Thank you for holding out hope for me. Thank you for letting me share my mutual
affection for you. Matsuno, have I said it yet? Have I said thank you? Would you let me say it a
hundred more times if you were sitting in front of me? Maybe you could just imagine it for me and
I can thank you for that too.

You and I. You and I are the most interesting thing in the world as far as I am concerned. No one
will ever be more interesting than the two of us have been in the past ten years. If you and I can
reconcile then no one else will ever be able to do as much as that. I’m certain of it.

Ten years. I can’t actually picture any of it. At the time it felt like the slowest thing in the world
but right now I can’t even seem to remember much of it. Everything feels so fast, Matsuno. And as
much as I cannot picture my time in these walls they are all I know. They are all I know because I
cannot picture the outside either. I do not remember what any of it looks like, it is all a very vague
thought of what I believe it may have looked like and yet I am sure it does not. I’ll see the outside
soon. I’m a bit terrified to leave this place. You know that. I do not want to be here any longer and
yet I am terrified.

Matsuno, for the past five years, not nine, for the past five years I have fallen into wanting to speak
to you in such a way that it should be embarrassing. Every little thought you think, how your day
has gone, any story you can possibly tell I’d wanted to know it all. I should let you know that in my
very poor attempts to get you to speak about yourself you have only actually done it less than ten
times. If I were to do it again I’d be more aggressive in my attempts because I really do want to
know it all. I find you to be the most interesting person I have ever known and I will never not
dislike our unbalance in being able to read each other. You read me and know what I think far
more easily than I have ever been able to read you. I would always try though, I like to think I’d
been right quite a few times but not like you. You’re always right it seems.

How hard it is to write all this to you and have you know this is all I have to say. I once compared
you in something I wrote to the sun. I am often wrong and yet that day for whatever reason I’d
only had one very good idea and that is that you remind me so painfully of the sun. If you were
less bright or warm I might have called you something different and yet you were not, you were
only ever so warm I’d felt flushed sitting across from you. God you are bright. You’ve done so
much to bring light into my life, I do not know if I could ever repay you for that. Even if I tried
every day of my life I believe you and I would never be equal in our own shared kindness. I’d want
to burn for you as you do in my eyes.

I feel as if I should be telling you every single good thing about yourself and yet I do not want to
scare you off. You seem to not see any of your really good qualities for someone so secure. Has
anyone ever called you kind? If not they should. You have been so unreasonably kind to me and I
do not know how to feel about it. I will tell you that I appreciate it however. I appreciate it so
much it hurts. You have set a standard that no one else will ever possibly be able to reach if they
wanted and yet I am completely okay with it. I think generally people dislike when their
expectations are set by someone else’s greatness but I do not mind. I do not mind that you’ve done
it at all. You may set my expectations high as many times as you like.

For the most part I have never known what to do with your kindness and find myself floundering
under it more often than not. Every gift and word I’ve floundered under it all. How completely
wonderful of you to do and to get nothing back. I have tried terribly hard to return your kindness
but am well aware that it can never actually compare to what you’ve shown. Only a
mere imitation in the face of greatness.

How awfully rambly I must seem in this saying anything that is possibly on my mind. You’ve never
minded before so I do hope that is true now as I am just giving you all of my unfiltered thoughts to
digest.

If I could only ever do one thing for the rest of my life I think I would like to spend all of my time
speaking to you. You must find that to sound so extreme. You do not have to agree with me, this is
just a thought I had when writing it. If I was to die tomorrow I would have liked to spend all of
today speaking to you. Matsuno I think I’m just terribly emotional at the moment and I do not
know what to do with myself. Maybe take all that with a grain of salt but know I mean it. I would
like to look at you and speak to you and spend my entire last day doing nothing but that. This felt
important for me to say a few lines ago and now I think it might sound non sequitur and
unreasonable. This is just a thought I have that you may ignore.

I wish I could have drawn you something really wonderful one last time and yet I have not. I did
not want to give you anything that would not fulfill that expectation of burning your heart which I
so desperately wanted to do. So I apologize, I did try. There is always something missing from my
art and I could not for the life of me understand what it was. Something was always wrong and I
do not know what. It’s a marvel you liked any of it considering all that. Matsuno, do not lower
your standards for me. I wish for you to love it at your full and not your half.

If I could have drawn you like you let me that one time I would have liked to do it again. I would
have liked to draw you while you were standing or sitting right in front of me. I always found it to
be a shame that we only did it once. We should have done it again. That’s all from me and my
stupid head.

What I wanted to say to you for such a long time is that I care for you. I care for you in a way that
no dictionary definition could define and so I give you this. For you I would move mountains for a
few words and give you all I have without question (which is admittedly not much). I cannot
express to you enough the kind of feelings I possess and yet I’d like to give you them all even if they
only look like words and you only skim past them once. How in my life I got to be cared about by
you I will never fully understand and I will still be grateful. You and I might reconcile hundreds of
times in any universe there is and this will always be my favorite. I am, in all ways but actual
telling you I care for you deeply and truly. Your happiness is among my top priorities.

I’ll never say it to your face as I would never be able to handle your response or lack thereof but
out of anyone I’ve ever met you have always interested me the most. The way you speak beyond
fascinates me and I want nothing more than to see the inner workings of your mind and know what
you think. I have never been so frustrated at trying to know what someone else is thinking before.
You completely and utterly fascinate me in everything you do. I could never actually guess a
decision you might make before it happens and even if I did I think I might still be surprised. You
have somehow exceeded all of my expectations in every possible way. If I were to try to guess your
actions I’d look like a complete fool, I’m sure of it.

And so I am interested. Interested in everything you do. I love to hear you speak and try to figure
out what you might say next and always be pleasantly surprised that you might never run out of
interesting things to say. So it is you, you have ruined what everyone else might have possibly been
because you have done it the best. You will always do it the best.

How I might wish to talk about you for hours and yet I’m afraid I’ve already bored you. No one
enjoys hearing about themselves so much, no one sane at least. You won’t have to hear much more
about yourself from me I promise. There are just some people in this world who deserve to be
gushed and fawned over endlessly. If I can do nothing else for you I can do that because I do have
endless words to say about you Matsuno. I’d say them all to you as many times as you’d like if I
could. I just have far too much to say about you, don’t I?

I’m writing so much to delay the end of this letter. You must know that by now. Of course you
know it. I really just seem to not want to stop writing to you. I could never possibly fit all I want to
say to you in only one letter and right now I am being forced to. There is so much more and yet I
am running out of paper. There is only so much that will be able to fit in the envelope I’m afraid.
I’d rather not end this letter and all and yet I’m nearing the end of this page.

It feels wrong. It feels so terribly wrong to say goodbye to you when we have only ever seen each
other later. This is a goodbye though, isn’t it? If you never receive another letter from me then
that is the end of something. I only ever want a continuation for us. That’s what I want. If forever
is a possibility then we should have it. I cannot bring myself to actually say it to you. So, see you
later will always be the better option. We will not say goodbye then. We are to only say what is
right and what is right is to never say goodbye so...
 Matsuno, I’ll see you later.

Yours,

Kazutora

Chapter End Notes

God, I cannot say how odd it is for this to be the end. Of course the fic continues on as
things are so obviously not resolved but he shall no longer be in prison starting next
chapter. I've just been writing this for over a month and I will find the end of there
letters completely sad. Though, I hope you will all enjoy how the story continues.

As always, I hope you've enjoyed the fic thus far and this chapter as well. Your
comments and thoughts are always appreciated :)
 Chapter 25
Chapter Notes

Words. I have no words. This chapter was a task and a half. I tried to keep the style in
best as I could with Kazutora's state of mind if you can see making certain parts
prevalent or not. I'm not sure if it translated though. Please enjoy Kazutora's release-

See the end of the chapter for more notes

October 31st, 2015.

It was evening at the time of his release. He had gone through paperwork after paperwork and
signing every document there was to sign. Ever since very early morning that is what he had been
doing. He’d had one of the guards with him as they gathered all of his things from his cell and
moved them to be looked over before he could take them out. Kazutora was sure nothing had ever
taken this long before. They were incredibly thorough looking over everything, double checking
his records, giving him his final interview and release with the counselor. And then that was it. It
was late at night and he’d watched the guards change shifts three times before they finally got to
the conclusion.

“You’re free to go.” That was the last thing the man who had been running his release told him
before he was shoved off somewhere else. Another half hour before they ended up at the side door
and led him to the side before opening the incredibly heavy metal door. He peaked his head
outside before the guard finally allowed him to pass through.

When Kazutora stepped out he gripped tightly around his bag that held all his books from Chifuyu
and the clothes he’d arrived with and his one singular earring jingling around at the base of the
bag. It was just some shit bag they’d given him to hold it all in, it wasn’t even something he
owned. And that was it. These were all the possessions Kazutora had held in the world. He said
thank you to the lady guard that had taken care of him all this time as she shut the door behind
him. And he stepped out knowing he had nowhere to go.

He’d gotten maybe twenty feet when his eyes fell on a clean car and a familiar boy peeking his
head outside of the window grinning at him, “Long time no see Kazutora-kun.” His eyes felt
incredibly large as he stared at Chifuyu, the same Chifuyu who he’d seen so many times look
incredibly cool at this moment. “Need a ride?” It was true Chifuyu had always been cool,
Kazutora was fully aware of that but seeing him with his arm hanging out of his window inviting
him, he felt new. He felt cool.

There were no words shared between the two as he got in the passenger seat of the car after the
door was opened for him. He sat with his knees very close together looking at the floor of the car
with tears falling down his face. He never felt like more of a crybaby than he did with Chifuyu. It
took the car taking off, going down the street, turning the corner before Kazutora could speak.
“You came to pick me up.” He looked over to Chifuyu tilting his head and smiling “Thanks
Matsuno”.

Chifuyu gave him a side glance before smiling back, “That was always the plan. How else was I
going to show you around?” He took one of his hands off the wheel and pushed Kazutora’s
shoulder with it playfully. Kazutora had never expected to be picked up, he always thought he’d
have to walk around all by himself and stay at a love hotel or something. In fact the two of them
had had two entirely different ideas on his release. He hadn’t been planning to see Chifuyu at all in
retrospect.

Finally looking out the window to the shops they passed he felt more overwhelmed than just
thinking of Chifuyu. When he looked back inside the car after deciding the shock of color and new
style of the city were too much it hit him. It might have been a small thing but he and Chifuyu had
never actually sat next to each other before. They had always in the past 9 years been sat right
across from each other. Suddenly he wished he had not let his mind wander to those thoughts.

They drove in silence for a long time before Kazutora broke it with, “You know your car looks
different.” He hadn’t meant it in a rude way, in fact he’d thought Chifuyu’s car was very cool and
sleek and impressive. The fact was that he had just never seen a car like it before.

Chifuyu made a face at his comment, “Well no one really drives what they had ten years ago. It’s
a different model.” Kazutora seemed pleased with that thought. He wondered what the rest of the
cars looked like everywhere else but he really did not want to look outside of the window to see.
He smiled very softly and nodded.

“Cool.”

He saw Chifuyu’s side glance to him before shaking his head at Kazutora. “Pft. Yeah, cool.”
They didn’t speak much at all and no music played from the inside of his clean and futuristic
looking car. Kazutora ran his hands over the leather seats again and again, calming down his heart
that had been beating rapidly. He was not enjoying the complete and sudden change of not being
where he was for ten years. Overwhelming. It was completely overwhelming.

Eventually Kazutora had it within himself to ask the obvious which was, “Matsuno. Where are we
going?” They’d stopped at a red light and he could see the lights from the few cars around them
blinking and bright as he stared at Chifuyu. He was wondering if Chifuyu had really planned to
show him around at almost ten at night when everything must’ve been closed by now. Where
would they even go?

Chifuyu was looking at him as if he was deciding how to answer that question before they rounded
the corner. “We’re going to my place. I was going to show you around but you look tired and
well…” He side glanced Kazutora again who must’ve looked completely nervous from everything
that was happening at the moment. “Maybe being out and about your first day is overwhelming.
We can do stuff tomorrow instead.” Oh. So there was going to be a tomorrow?

He felt relieved at the fact that he wasn’t going to have to be dragged around tonight and that they
would just be going back to the apartment. And they did, the corner they rounded led to a parking
structure that Chifuyu drove into and parked in one of the open spots close to the front. Kazutora
felt his eyes go wide as he and Chifuyu left the car to go to the apartment. They ended up walking
through large double doors in what felt like a fancy (compared to what he’d seen) red entryway and
a front desk with a doorman idling by. They came to an elevator in the middle side of the room
where Chifuyu stepped into after pressing some buttons.

It had been a while since he’d been in an elevator, he always preferred to take the stairs if at all
possible. He wasn’t scared of them, they just usually had people on them. Chifuyu waved him on
and he followed standing close to the corner behind where Chifuyu was at the panel of buttons.
When they started to move Kazutora jolted and held onto the bar on the side. Chifuyu glanced
back at him from the sudden movement, registered something and turned back. Kazutora was the
first one out of the elevator when it stopped, he waited for Chifuyu to get out and followed him to a
door all the way at the end of a short hallway. It seemed many people didn’t live on this floor, not
that he knew how many people lived on the other floors.

Chifuyu’s apartment was much larger than he imagined, it was decorated by a few posters in
frames and a very yellowish tone to the room. Kazutora watched him after they’d taken off their
shoes, walked across the room and down a smallish hallway to a room and disappeared into it. He,
not knowing what to do, stood at the entrance patiently looking around at the living room, the
couch and TV, the coffee table and a few side tables. There was one corner of that room by the
window light, a pretty old fashioned desk lap on a wooden desk and chair. The desk had envelopes
strewn about it and papers stacked up in the corner of it. He unconsciously inched toward it but
never left the foyer.

As soon as he’d gotten to the edge of the foyay in trying to look at the desk, of which he learned
had several more framed pictures above it, Chifuyu came back. “You can just go look at it if
you’re so curious, Kazutora-kun.” He snapped his head to look at Chifuyu who was holding a pair
of clothes under his arm. “Bath or shower?” Kazutora tilted his head to the side, clearly not
understanding the question. “I’ll just run you a bath and you can empty the water if you decide
you don’t like it.” Chifuyu walked out of the room with that, taking his arm full of clothes with
him.

Kazutora who was now apparently getting a bath decided to do what Chifuyu said he could and
walk into the room. He put his bag by the entryway and stepped quietly onto the floor. He found
his way to the desk, looking around at the envelopes. These were all from Kazutora from the past
couple months. The papers in the corner were the very same slightly off colored paper he’d
received from Chifuyu’s letters so many times before. This must be where he writes them all. He
couldn’t keep himself from running his hand along the grain of the wood staring down at all the
papers. There were pens neatly lined up next to the stack of papers and above the desk were
indeed picture frames. Kazutora hadn’t actually looked up at them till now. It took him a moment,
the more he looked at them he realized, ‘those are mine’.

He looked at them over and over. These three were the draws of Baji and Chifuyu’s cat, Peke J.
He’d known Chifuyu had asked to take them home but he never knew where they might have
ended up. Seeing them hung up and in frames no less made Kazutora feel a bit happy. He quickly
decided he needed to look anywhere else in case Chifuyu would see him staring at his own art in
awe. But Chifuyu did. He was leaning on the door frame, nothing in hand smiling warm and soft
at Kazutora as he turned away from the desk. “Nice pictures, huh?” Kazutora stared blankly back
at him as Chifuyu’s smile grew a little wider. “Someone important drew those for me… anyways
I’ll show you to the bathroom.”

Kazutora had no time to let that statement fully sink in as he felt himself get flustered in trailing
behind Chifuyu to a nice all white bathroom with cool undertones in all the tiles and slight
decoration. “I don’t have anything to change into if I bath…” It was an awkward statement to
have to make but true nonetheless, he really didn’t have anything to change into. He stayed staring
at the water with the steam rising from the tub.

“The clothes on top of the stool by the tub are for you. Use the unopened shampoo and conditioner
though, the other ones on the left are mine. You can use anything else though, I’ve got a
disposable toothbrush on the sink for you.” Kazutora’s eyes followed Chifuyu’s hands as they
pointed and gestured to different places and things in the bathroom. Had Chifuyu really thought all
this through before he got here? The toothbrush, the clearly unworn clothes, the shampoo that was
a different brand from the one on the left side meaning Chifuyu would probably never use it. Was
it all thought of?

He looked back across to Chifuyu who was exiting the room by the time he’d gathered all the
information. “Thank you Matsuno.” Chifuyu kept his same warm smile to Kazutora, the same one
he’d held on to all those years ago. Seeing him for so long in person felt unlike real life.

Chifuyu left the room calling from the hallway he was making his way down. “Mm, take your
time. Give me your clothes when you get out.” Kazutora went to shut the door to the bathroom
and then turned back, staring at the room finally alone. He was so overwhelmed by everything
else he couldn’t handle it. But standing here now where it felt safe, he just wanted to melt.

Kazutora took to unbuttoning his shirt and folding it up to him on the floor next to the stool where
the clean clothes were. He took his time taking his pants and the rest of his clothes off before
standing in front of the tub. He’d slowly brought his foot into the water over the side, it was a bit
warmer than he’d expected but as soon as he’d gotten both his feet in he had no issue sinking to the
bottom of the tub with his knees peeking out of the water. In the past ten year he had not been in a
bath, in fact Kazutora had never been in a bath as far as he knew. He wasn’t completely sure how
it would work and yet he enjoyed how warm everything felt on his skin.

He looked over the side at the green bottles Chifuyu had told him to use. Instead he took the body
wash in the middle of the assortment. He’d used nothing but pump soap/shampoo for the past ten
years, it was almost exciting seeing the vanilla flavored soap that he was allowed to use. Still not
sure how body wash might work as he’d never used it but figured it was probably the same as soap
he lathered it and spread it over his arms and middle scrubbing it into his skin as he kneeled in the
tub sure he couldn’t have done this under the water. He leaned back into the tub holding his legs
up and repeating. It didn’t smell very strong but it was a nice quiet scent.

Eventually after scrubbing himself down trying to get as much of the prison and metal smell off of
him as he could he went back to the green bottles. He turned the first one over in his hand reading
the label. Green tea? I didn’t know they made matcha scented shampoo. Kazutora poured it into
his hand and took time running it through his hair and letting the smell of it fall through the air.
He wondered if Chifuyu had chosen this one for him on purpose; he rather liked it. Repeating the
same with the conditioner he eventually washed out his hair with the handheld shower hose and
decided he was done. He sat in one of the fluffy white towels Chifuyu had on the side of the tub
for a long while just watching the water drain. It was so nice in the bathroom and so quiet, he
didn’t actually want to leave it. Kazutora had been hearing everything loud and a constant ruckus
for quite some time, the complete silence save for the water pattering into the drain was calming.
He hadn’t showered or bathed alone in ten years, he just wanted to sit and enjoy watching the
water all on his own.

And the time came for him to get dressed and brush his teeth which he did all diligently. Kazutora
fell through the house mousley quiet, ending up in the living room once more where Chifuyu was
waiting on the couch. “Need a brush?” He nodded, coming closer to the couch as Chifuyu had
them trade places and items. Chifuyu took his clothes and he was to sit on the couch and brush his
hair. Kazutora hadn’t used a brush in a very long time. All he had was a comb that pulled at his
hair painfully. Running the brush through his hair didn’t hurt at all though, in fact each time the
brush ran close to his scalp it’d felt nice and it made his hair soft at the end.

It was clear when Chifuyu came back with blankets and pillows that he was meant to be going to
sleep soon. He was ordered to stand up while Chifuyu took to giving him a makeshift bed on the
couch. Kazutora who was indeed tired but too worked up to fall asleep and anxious from being in
a new place couldn’t do anything but stare at the wall as he sat on the couch after the lights were
turned off and he was made the only one in the room. Chifuyu left him with “tomorrow we’ll see
everything I promised.” And that was it.

He thought he could stay for one more day. He’d be very tired during that day though at this
point. And yet he felt he had never been so unbelievably awake before in his life. Kazutora
seemed to find much interest in staring at the floor as he thought over everything that was
happening. How he wished he could sleep.

An hour had passed, said the clock on the wall, it was one in the morning now. He heard creaking
coming from the hallway and he looked up from the floor to see Chifuyu walking quietly to the
living room. Before he even reached halfway to the middle of the living room after walking
through the door he made eye contact with Kazutora. Chifuyu had been coming in to check on
him. “You’re still up? Can’t sleep?” It was clear that that fact wasn’t entirely unexpected and that
more likely than not he’d already thought this would be the case.

“No. And you?” It was a bit of a stupid question seeing as it was obvious or that maybe Chifuyu
had been staying up working in his room. That felt like something he might do. Kazutora sat with
the blanket strewn over his lap haphazardly and bunching it with his hands. If it were anyone else
he wouldn’t particularly have liked being stopped in his thoughts or being caught awake but
Chifuyu was okay. He’s actually wanted him to stick around a little longer since he was up.

Chifuyu seemed to understand exactly that. He started off in a different direction to the kitchen
that Kazutora had seen when he walked to the bath. “I was gonna make some tea, want some?”
Kazutora gave back a very awkwardly pitched yes as Chifuyu left. He came back only minutes
later holding two very hot looking and large blue mugs that were clearly made for coffee. “These
only come in sets you know. A bit unfortunate for someone living alone.” It was an off handed
comment but it’d made him feel welcome. He said it in a ‘thanks for giving my cup a use’ kind of
way that made Kazutora’s heart a bit warm.

He sat down on the couch next to Kazutora in pushing the blankets to over the back of the couch
after setting down the mugs of the coffee table in front of them. He kept eyeing his cup for a long
time as the steam rose off of it. Kazutora watched him as he folded his legs on the couch bumping
his knee onto Kazutora’s thigh before shifting away enough that they were no longer touching.

Chifuyu picked up his cup after deciding it had cooled down enough so as to not burn his hand. He
sipped at the top and looked over his cup at Kazutora who had his own mug held tightly on his
lap. “I was going to stay up for a little while, did you want to keep me company?” The ‘I can
leave you alone if you want’ went unsaid. But Kazutora did not want to be alone, he’d wanted to
be with Chifuyu even if it was only sipping tea and watching the wall.

“That’d be nice… Matsuno, can I ask you a question?” He kept his eyes on Chifuyu as he put
down his cup. There was a clear go ahead without the words. “Does everyone… does everyone
know that I’m out?”

Chifuyu was searching his eyes for something before he breathed out in a sigh. “Yeah, they
know.” For some reason Kazutora thought that Chifuyu didn’t want to have told him that. That
there was something bad within telling him that.

It made him nervous knowing they knew he was out and about. Kazutora didn’t like the thought
that they might just happen upon him while Chifuyu and he were out in the morning.
“Tomorrow… I don’t want to see them when we do stuff tomorrow.” He watched Chifuyu’s
expression looking for some kind of hope that them needing to see anyone was not a part of
tomorrow's plan. Just Chifuyu was okay, it should just be Chifuyu.

And so he agreed. “Okay. You will have to see Mitsuya’s sister though when we go to the pet
shop. She’s running it for me all tomorrow.” Kazutora felt much more at ease with those words.
It turns out that after not seeing someone for ten years anxiety around the first meeting is
prevalent. And Kazutora found the thought of that to be incredibly anxiety inducing. Thank god
for Chifuyu.

He wondered if he was allowed to feel so warm right now sitting side by side with Chifuyu, the
two of them drinking tea in their sleepwear so late at night. He wished he might be able to drown
in this warmth a little while longer as he could no matter how hard he wished, find himself to sleep
in the near future. “We’ve never sat next to each other before, did you know that? I was thinking
about it in the car.” Kazutora finally went to drink his tea, mint. He hadn’t had tea in a very long
time.

Chifuyu thought about what he said for a moment. “We haven’t, have we? What an odd thing for
you to notice out of everything. You’ve also never been in my apartment, what about that?” There
were a lot of firsts Kazutora had been having just in the drive back to his apartment. Even in doing
something regular like having a bath he’d fell through so many firsts in such a short amount of
time.

He’d noticed, it just didn’t happen to be the most prevalent thing on his mind. “You’re just more
noticeable. I can’t really process anything else.” The entire day had felt so blurry and going
through all the steps of getting to where he was sitting right now felt unreal. Everything had been
going so fast until it was just still and ready for him to think over. Chifuyu often had a way of
putting everything into perspective. This wasn’t how today was supposed to go and he doesn’t
know what to do now that he’s gotten here. Today has been so long and his thoughts are on pause
from shock.

And then Chifuyu did what he’d done only once before to snap him out of his thoughts. He
brought his hand over and tapped at Kazutora’s cheek till he was really looking at him. Till
Kazutora and Chifuyu were doing what they’d done dozens of times before and just stared into
each other's eyes. “Don’t think so much. It’s just you and I right now, you can think about
everything that’s not in this room tomorrow. We’re all that’s interesting, isn’t that right?” He
wasn’t sure if he should be embarrassed or not at the mention of the words from his letter being
repeated, being remembered.

Kazutora had not thought he’d see Chifuyu again. His very last letter he’d poured his heart out to
him under that thought of it being his last words to him. He’d thought that and now they were
sitting next to each other in his apartment drinking tea. “Well maybe just you…”

There were some obvious things that he thought he should never say aloud and they were all in that
letter. Chifuyu leaned back into the arm of the couch, shifting himself to face Kazutora. “It was a
nice letter. No one’s ever spoken to me like that before. I never got to respond, you know.”
Kazutora never gave him the chance. Kazutora never wanted to give him the chance because he
would not be able to handle a response.

He wrote most of that letter in a flash of panic at never speaking to Chifuyu again and leaving
before giving him any of his final thoughts. He was never supposed to respond. This was
something he’d given just to give, there was nothing to receive. “I just thought I’d end it in a nice
way.” It was not in a nice way. No, that letter was a goodbye that would not be used as they were
sitting across from each other. They should not have been sitting across from each other.

“There are no nice endings if you don’t want it to be over. Though, I’d rather see you up close if
we’re to speak. You’re more unfiltered this way. How am I to read your eyes from the letters on a
page?” He’d always thought Chifuyu had the most beautiful eyes and knowing he was looking at
Kazutora's too he didn’t know what to feel. Chifuyu was never fond on ends it was clear but
Kazutora wasn’t sure what else he might’ve said as he did not have it in himself not to say his last
words to him.
There was not much to his response as he felt like changing the subject entirely away from that
letter. “Your apartment is nice. Is it hard being by yourself?”

“No one really likes to be alone so much as to enjoy something like this all the time but no, it’s not
hard. And you, do you hate it? Being alone.” More than anything. Kazutora could not put into
words how much he actually disliked being by himself. Chifuyu knew that but it would be
Kazutora’s fault for bringing it up at all that he had to answer such a question. He could not relate
to Chifuyu’s answer.

Unlike Chifuyu who enjoyed time by himself and only disliked it when it was long and drawn out,
Kazutora hated it all the time. He could not stand being by himself. Being alone let his thoughts
run rampant and he disliked that immensely. “I do. I find myself to be intolerable.” He wished so
much that that was not the case but he did. Kazutora hated to be alone because it meant he was
stuck with himself and, who by choice would want to be stuck with Kazutora?

Chifuyu did not let that conversation progress from where it left off. There was an immediate
switch to a lighter conversation after Chifuyu looked so entirely displeased with what Kazutora had
said. “Kazutora-kun, what do you prefer, night or day time?” It was such an innocent question
that he would not know how to answer. He liked both for completely different reasons.

“I like the night, I like to watch the stars but they are inconsistent as is the moon and I cannot
always enjoy it. The night always feels too short and easy to waste. But during the day I can see
the sun and it is warm. The sun has never failed to deliver me the day… or something like that.”
He did actually have too many feelings about it. For whatever reason the sky had meant a lot to
Kazutora and he would never choose just one time of day to love it.

Chifuyu took the blanket from the back of the couch and threw it over their legs during his answer
before settling his head on the side of the couch and keeping his eyes on Kazutora. “I’ve always
been fond of the night. I think my best when it’s late and I’m tired.” He was sure that wasn’t true
but he’d like to believe it anyway. Chifuyu seemed like the kind of person who could say that
statement and really mean it.

The two of them spent the entire night till almost two in the morning talking and carrying idle and
meaningless conversation. Chifuyu knocked out first. Kazutora had not spoken to someone for
such an extended period of time for quite a while. It should’ve made him exhausted but he was
just content, bittersweet content.

The next morning Chifuyu had given Kazutora plain black coffee along with his meal. He’s
woken up early due to the sun shining in from the curtains and just pattered around the house
before sitting back down on the couch next to Chifuyu who was knocked out in the same corner of
the couch he was last night. He woke up only half an hour after Kazutora due to the obvious
feeling that someone was looking at him. And he was, Kazutora was staring at him expectantly
for fifteen minutes before he was up.

Chifuyu learned very quickly that Kazutora did not like black coffee when he saw him sipping not
so generously out of the mug. He was given tea instead and a few slightly harsh words in asking
for what he wants. Kazutora was then dressed in the (now washed) outfit he’d worn yesterday as it
was not entirely out of place and to the fact that he had denied the clothes Chifuyu had wanted to
give him. And so they would both look slightly more dressed up as they went out and about
today. Chifuyu didn’t let him be alone and wore his own white turtleneck, grey slacks and a few
accessories including a belt. And ever did he look nice.

Kazutora stared at him for a bit before being caught, “I look nice, huh? Come on, out the door.”
All he did was nod and follow him out the apartment looking at the building all again as it was just
as pretty as the first time he’d seen it. Now that it was day time everything was shining from the
light coming through the front door. He was sure he looked like a child staring at everything they
passed while Chifuyu slowed down to let him look at each thing.

He never actually teased Kazutora for looking and taking his time. Maybe he should have but he
only ever looked briefly over his shoulder and kept his slow pace in time with Kazutora's so as to
not rush him. They skipped past the parking lot and that was when he stepped up the pace to try
and fall next to him to Chifuyu who was crossing the street to get somewhere else. He’d always
look back to make sure Kazutora was following him and when he realized he was next to him the
next time he went to look back he just smiled at him.

Kazutora wondered why he was doing that so often, he would just look at him and smile, he’d done
it several times. It was a very short walk till they ended in front of a store. He immediately
recognized it to be Chifuyu’s pet store. His eyes got large as he looked over the front, all black and
white front to the store with blue highlights on the words. It looked so old fashioned, exactly how
he’d imagined it to be every time before that. He stared in awe for a moment before he saw
Chifuyu holding open the door for him gesturing that he come inside.

They followed into the shop and he could not keep himself from feeling so unbelievably proud of
Chifuyu. He really did it. “You did such a good job.” He saw Chifuyu swell with some pride at
that before shaking his head and continuing over to the pets. They spent what must’ve been thirty
minutes looking at each and every pet there was. Snakes, puppies, cats, other various reptiles and
amphibians and a shit ton of fish. There were also aisles of pet food, litter, and other supplies they
might possibly need. He was beyond impressed knowing Chifuyu had done this all himself. The
walls weren’t super decorated besides the picture of Peke J behind the counter that Kazutora had
done.

“You look so fascinated with my store. It’s flattering but a bit funny.” He was hovering and
leaning over Kazutora’s shoulder as he was squatting down looking at one of the snakes that was
out of it’s little home in the terrarium. Kazutora would look back at him but realized they’d be too
close if he did anything but move away.

And so he did. He shifted over and stood up with Chifuyu following. “I’m impressed by you. I
knew it’d be good but you really did do a good job.” Chifuyu laughed at that statement. Maybe he
didn’t seem to agree with it or maybe he already knew it was true but he seemed to like hearing it
all the same. Or maybe just from Kazutora he liked to hear it.

Chifuyu offered to let Kazutora hold one of the animals later when they had finally gotten through
the entire store and looked at absolutely everything that they could possibly look at. He promptly
declined that offer. He would not say it aloud but holding animals was nerve wracking to him.
Also, he had no idea what to do if they hated him and bit him. That might make him die of
complete embarrassment.

By the end of it Kazutora had learned to keep his hands to himself as he’d gotten in trouble for
touching the glass on the terrariums and tans one too many times. Having a closer look did not in
fact mean having your hands out for everybody to see and setting a bad example in leaving
smudges for the employee and employer to clean up later. It did mean getting to touch and hold
the animal but of course he’d opted out of that already.

They’d stayed in the pet shop till late afternoon before he was to finally be dragged around by
Chifuyu once more. Dragged is an overstatement in the obvious and willing following Kazutora
was holding in at the moment with his steps. Kazutora fell very (very) shorty behind Chifuyu in
his steps as they neared the next place they were going to be going. Chifuyu stopped suddenly in
front of a very old looking cafe which was odd since Kazutora had never seen it before when he
was out and about and it did not look new in the slightest.

Taking their way through the door that was held open for Kazutora they stopped at the side to look
at the menu. “I imagine you don’t have a license, so instead of alcohol we have coffee… or
whatever it is you’d like to get.” He’d clearly remembered Kazutora’s not wanting to drink the
black coffee that morning. The truth was that Kazutora did like coffee but he found it terribly
bitter without anything in it as he imagined most people who were not Chifuyu did.

It was one large black coffee and a medium matcha latte. He’d feel awful prissy for his drink if
Chifuyu had not asked to try it once they sat down. It was no longer such a big deal as it would
have been in his mind without those words. It was instead nerve wracking to see Chifuyu drink
from his cup before handing it back to Kazutora. He did not offer Kazutora a taste of his own
drink however as he saw the face he’d made at the first large gulp. He would not share with
someone who found his drink revolting.

They spoke of the town and little things Kazutora didn’t understand including but not limited to
Chifuyu’s odd gameboy (phone), Chifuyu’s odd stereo (bluetooth), and Chifuyu’s odd candy in the
glove compartment (also bluetooth but earbuds). He of course could barely go over any of it but
gave vague descriptions as to what they did which seemed to keep Kazutora satisfied.

The night had been going well and eventually Kazutora began to look burnt out at the overload of
questions and information. They took their slow walk back to the apartment bumping shoulders all
the way back. Chifuyu looked entirely content, more than Kazutora could have ever hoped for.

Once they’d finally gotten back it was only seven O’clock and yet Kazutora insisted he was
beyond tired. He was not but he knew Chifuyu was, he looked as if he hadn’t slept in days. It was
why he’d felt so bad about having him wake up early that morning, he’d needed to sleep. And so
they went their separate ways with Chifuyu insisting he sleepover still. He’d agreed but told him
he’d be gone first thing in the morning. Chifuyu, exhausted, agreed and promptly left to go to his
own room. He left Kazutora with, “tomorrow?” which went unanswered.

Kazutora didn’t bother to change clothes and just brushed his teeth with the provided tooth brush
and went to the couch. He’d wondered how long it might take for Chifuyu to fall asleep.

Lying on the couch in Chifuyu’s apartment with the only light being from the kitchen the house felt
very calm. It had been quite a few hours since he had gone to sleep and Kazutora stayed awake
 staring at the ceiling breathing slowly taking in his surroundings. Chifuyu was incredibly
hospitable in his actions toward Kazutora; it was difficult to process. The blanket he was given
yesterday was tossed to the side of the couch as he decided it was time to stand up. The air
conditioner was running and all felt very safe in the house.

It took a bit of searching but eventually Kazutora found his socks and he got to the door to find his
shoes. He sat there for a bit, shoes on, before soaking up his courage and leaving Chifuyu’s still
apartment late at night. He did not look back at the apartment before walking out the front door as
quietly as he could because he was scared that if he looked back he might not leave at all.

The elevator to the first floor of the apartment building felt long even if there were only 5 or so
floors in the building. Stepping out onto the street he felt at ease. Kazutora felt if today was going
to be his last day then he was glad it was with Chifuyu.

Secretly he was glad he had gotten to say goodbye.

Chapter End Notes

I wrote the first half of this chapter all the way at ch. 12 or 15 and continued on
finally. I have a lot of thoughts on this particular meeting- I hope it was somewhat
enjoyable?

ALSO Since we are all very clear on themes and the end of this chapter I will say this
right now before I post the next chapter. Please do not read it if you are not it a good
head-space. I do not wish to have anyone put into a bad state of mind after it.
 Chapter 26
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

November first, eleven twenty pm , Hanemiya Kazutora stood at the bottom of the stairwell of a
towering building that made the rest of the surrounding buildings in Tokyo look incredibly small.
The last time he had ventured to a building of this feel was before the night of Bloody Halloween.

Is the venture up the stairs of death not daunting? Does the pounding in his chest not feel
unendurable? His shallow breaths were cold in the uninsulated stairwell and held still in the night.
He wore the only clothes he had, still a relatively clean button down and pants with slightly
battered shoes to match, a fitting outfit for a man of his caliber. If only the night was as cold as the
image of the stairwell.

His feet would only take him to the first step as he let go of the railing to walk through the middle.
He stepped carefully up each step memorizing the way his feet would feel on the gravelly steps
and focusing on how his shoes hit the ground each time. It was light as if he was floating, the
simple task of walking held his attention as he did all he could to keep his mind on that alone.

The further up the steps he went the colder he seemed to feel. Icy steps to match the numbness
spreading to his fingers. It was colder than it had been in fall’s past, only 56 degrees Fahrenheit
when he looked at the thermometer as he passed into the stairwell. He’d imagined this day to be
warmer once or twice but now he’d grown accustomed to the cold and felt more secure with the
growing coolness on his arms.

As he ventured further up he thought of Chifuyu asleep in his bed from the apartment Kazutora had
walked out of only a half an hour ago. He must be sleeping soundly, dreaming of something
Kazutora can only imagine to be peaceful and calm. They’d feel the same quite soon, both asleep
to the world. He could only hope Chifuyu would be asleep till morning and simply feel upset with
him for leaving without saying anything. He hoped that was all. He said he’d be gone by
morning.

Kazutora had never thought he might be even a little nervous to go through with his plan. And
that’s all he was, a little nervous. Everything felt so still around him and the only sounds in the
stairwell was his own breath, the wind flowing in and out of the well and his footsteps tapping
firmly up the gravel with every step. It was how he’d imagined it every time before that, cold and
uninviting to anyone who was not Kazutora.

Ten years. Ten years is a long time to wait for death. It’s this hammering thought in the back of
your mind at all times, a promise of later, of someday. Kazutora always knew someday he would
get to let go of it all. Many times that promise was all that was keeping him going. It never felt
too real when he thought about it, it was just something that was. Something that was always
going to happen no matter what. No matter what changed, no matter how he felt about it later in
time, he’d already promised. And so he would.

Standing at the bottom of the stairwell, climbing those steps, feeling everything as much as he
could, that was the first time it had felt real to him. It was no longer something that was only in his
mind and reassuring him every step of the way it was something real, something happening right
then and there. It was a calm realization on that slow ascension to the roof of the building. He’d
really be dead once he jumped. No take backs, no more constant thoughts of it, it’d simply all be
over. He was ready for it all to be over.
He wondered if Chifuyu would hate him for not actually saying goodbye. This was all just
something he had to do, really Chifuyu had nothing to do with it. When he originally fell into his
plan he hadn’t imagined having someone else to worry about at the end. Kazutora had started off
all alone. Now, with someone there next to him he’d wanted to feel guilty about it and yet he
didn’t. Kazutora didn’t feel guilty for being here at all. This was simply something he was always
meant to do. There were no bad feelings to come of it if this was always going to be the end.

To the left of him he saw one of the dark black plaques he’d been seeing as he walked up. He’d
gotten half way. Only a little bit longer.

November 1st, Eleven thirty-five pm

Nine years. A different time. He’d spent nine years of his life talking to no one else except for
Matsuno Chifuyu, with rare exceptions. Even if everyone else in his life till this point had left him
behind and moved on, Chifuyu always seemed to be there. He had never failed Kazutora. He was
always exactly who he said he was, when his words were harsh, when he became soft, when he fell
apart. There was never any doubt in his mind that he was doing just as he promised. It was written
all over him everytime he spoke who he was.

He’d spent years speaking to him learning anything he could possibly find out about him. Once
someone dies if their memories, their story was not written down there was nothing to prove any of
it was real. Kazutora had made sure that at least, if Chifuyu gave his words and thoughts to no one
else that they were real. They were all written down in that journal he’d given Kazutora all that
time ago. He’d be real as long as that journal stayed intact.

There was nothing he could say for himself. He’d longed to be remembered for so long that in the
end when he realized there would be no point he gave up. If no one remembered him he felt that
would be for the best. All that pain, all that hurt, it might be forgotten. Because really, in the end,
Kazutora was just himself.

Kazutora for the rest of his life would only be himself. When he woke up and looked in the mirror
his own face would always stare back. He’d hated to think of that thought. He couldn’t bear to be
in his own skin for the rest of his life. Not when his hands were painted with blood and his mind
was filled with his own memories of terrible things he’d committed. He couldn’t bear to keep on
living. Not when Baji was only a few floors down at the bottom from him. He’d always promised
he’d see him again. Ten years late but he’d fulfill that promise.

In the end he’d given all he could. Chifuyu was at a point where he could heal on his own. He’d
done all he needed with Kazutora, he’d sent his letters, he’s tried his best for Baji. Kazutora had
repented all those ten years for his sins, he’d gone through it all, he’d done his time. It was time to
free the world of himself.

He’d finally gotten to the very top, there was a bright green exit sign blinking at him as he stared at
the door in front of him. There were no more floors left to climb. From here there is nowhere to
go but out. He held the door handle to turn slowly as he felt the cold air flood through to him. It's
the coldest at the top.

There wasn’t a day that went by where Kazutora didn’t think of Baji Keisuke’s dying body
bleeding out on the floor. If he could have forgotten it all by now he would have. It was his sin to
bear till he died and he would suffer the consequences no matter how awful they might be. He
would also remember the boy who’d held him in his last moments as Baji died smiling at him.
That smile haunted him but the living person who’s best friend was also stripped away from them
he couldn’t ever possibly forget. It would end up being later on that Matsuno Chifuyu would haunt
him more than anything.

Wasn’t that right?

November 1st, Eleven forty-five pm

Kazutora stood on the very edge of the building and looked out on the city, for once he was really,
truly alone and he couldn’t find it in himself to be scared. He’d wanted this and yet he stayed still
on top to simply breath in the air, to look at the lights below him to take in the scene. “It really is
pretty…” There was a kind of pain that went along with his morous statement. It was pretty, it
was scenic and everything Kazutora had hoped for. He could finally stop. He’d gotten to do it ten
years too late.

If the sky was as empty as his heart then it all would have been a bit more beautiful but Kazutora’s
heart was not empty. He held his heart in shambles as it had only been entirely broken instead of
empty. When he jumped he hoped no one would find him. Let it be an officer or anyone
unimportant or just let him rot.

When he thought about no one remembering him once he was gone his small and broken heart
began to ache. No one would remember him, ten years means a lot in the scheme of things.
Chifuyu, he would forget him too very shortly and he would feel relieved. Kazutora had been
avoiding that all this time and yet now he was going to make sure it happened.

There’s something to be said about people who hate each other and to Kazutora that is “at least
they still have feelings for them”. The opposite of love is hate, he didn’t care what anyone else
said about it. They were opposite ends of the spectrum because they were such strong emotions,
emotions he’d been trying to hold onto. Indifference is the tragedy of both love and hate he
thought. The moment someone who once felt hate or love toward another falls into indifference is
the day their relationship is nothing. He couldn’t let go of the strong feelings because he was
terrified of their absence.

It’s funny how much the same he is from ten years ago and yet he is not the same at all. He could
let go. All he wanted was to stop crying, wasn’t that right? When he jumps he won’t wake up with
tears on his face and unable to bring any air into his lungs. He won’t have to pain Chifuyu to deal
with him now that he’s out, he's done his healing, he can let go now. There is finally nothing tying
him back and holding him to stay so why… Why is he crying?

They were soft tears unlike most all of the ones he’d felt before because this time Kazutora did not
cry for Baji, he did not cry for Shinichiro or Baji’s mother or Mikey or Chifuyu. This time, his last
time he cried for himself. They slid down his cheeks and dried cold on his face and neck. He
could feel his hair whip behind him as he shakily took one more breath.

It was now or never. He wouldn’t throw away his whole personality at the very last second,
Kazutora was not a coward. Right now. Jump. Looking down almost fifty stories to the floor he
couldn’t quite see it hit him like a truck. This is it, he wasn’t going to wake up tomorrow. He’d
tied up all his loose ends so now, now he could jump. He wanted to jump.
In his mind he spoke his own parting words to himself. Everyone else was okay, they would all let
go and now Kazutora could do the same. It won’t hurt that much. He looked down again. You’ll
barely even feel it. That was right, it’s only a moment and then it’s all gone. It’s not so bad, the
lights will be on all the way down. Yes, the lights, he could watch them as he fell.

It won’t hurt. He’d remind himself that. It looked so far down when he rocked on the edge of the
building. No one was there to see him fall. It’s not too scary now that no one's watching, is it? It
wasn’t scary. He was right. It was calm at the top. There was no need to be holding on right then,
was there? If he just let go. Don’t hold on. If you cry no one will see you. No one can see his
tears fall from up here. You can shout for no one up here.

So he let it out, “Damn it! Just jump! Just fucking jump already! It’s… It’s okay.” He looked
back around the city trying to calm his own nerves and get himself off the ledge. “It won’t hurt so
much when it’s over. It’s like ripping off a bandaid, yeah. Damn, I really wish it wasn’t so cold
right now.” Laughing softly to himself as he saw his tears drop off the building. Maybe it wasn’t
so laughable as much as it hurt. “You were right… you were right Baji the end was not so bad. I
can see the whole city from up here. I’m not holding on. Okay…. Okay I’m going to let go now.”
His tears came faster as his feet came closer and closer to the absolute end of the building. Any
farther and he’d get to go home.

“KAZUTORA”

November 2nd, Midnight

The slowest of turns to look back at who had just thrown open the door to the roof. Ah, Chifuyu
had come. Why had he come to watch? It was over, why couldn’t he see that it was over.
“Chifuyu… Please… please don’t.” He was warning him not to come closer, to just go back to his
house and forget what he’d seen.

Chifuyu’s steps eased closer to him. For once Chifuyu looked completely panicked, he’d seen that
face before. Yes, he’d seen those anxious eyes and terrified expression once before. “Is… is the
moon not grand tonight?” It was loud and slightly raspy like he’d been running for miles before
coming here. The moon? Kazutora looked back to the sky. “Did you know the National
Astronomical Observatory of Japan is open to the public?”

He turned back to Chifuyu whose placement had gotten only a few feet away from where Kazutora
stood. “Is it?” Chifuyu nodded hands slightly out to Kazutora. He kept his eyes on Chifuyu’s
though. They were still nervous but increasingly calm. His eyes were shining from the light of the
sky as he looked up to Kazutora.

“Yeah, let’s go there. Okay?” He hadn’t been focusing till he felt Chifuyu’s hand grasping his
own. It was sweaty and warm, the more he looked at Chifuyu he could tell his face was flushed
and he was still regaining his breath from most likely running up to the top of the building. If he
wanted to, he could rip his hand out of Chifuyu’s and just fall back, he could do exactly that but,
why were Chifuyu’s eyes watering?

He took a step toward Chifuyu and his entire body was yanked forward onto Chifuyu’s. His hand
was being crushed by Chifuyu’s and his back was being dug into by the nails on his other hand as
he gripped Kazutora. Then Kazutora realized how much he was shaking and crying on Chifuyu’s
shoulder.
And Chifuyu was just as tense and shaking as he held Kazutora furiously close. “Don’t jump.
Please. A long time ago you asked me what I wanted from you and said nothing. That’s not true
right now, I just need you not to jump Kazutora. If you… you can’t.” His arms shifted to wrap
suffocatingly around Kazutora’s waist. He could feel how warm Chifuyu was just then, he was so
real. He couldn’t breathe, he just kept sobbing and crying harder and harder.

“I couldn’t do it. I really really wanted to and I couldn’t do it.” Kazutora cried more than he ever
had just pouring his eyes out in disbelief, in pain, in everything he was feeling right now that was
still suffocated by the fact that Chifuyu was there. He wasn’t even sure how he’d found him. He’d
wanted to jump, he wanted to jump so heartbreakingly much and yet here he was tackled to the
floor in Chifuyu’s arms. How he’d gotten to him so fast was a miracle, how he’d gotten to him as
all, was a miracle.

He was still floored sobbing his heart out overwhelmed by everything at all and all of it at once.
He’d wanted it so badly, ten years he’d waited for something he just couldn’t go through with in
the end. Chifuyu had come for him. Chifuyu. Chifuyu. Chifuyu. He was right there and so warm
and letting Kazutora cry all over him. And he was too, Chifuyu was crying right along with him
holding him rocking carefully back and forth from the cries. Just the two of them on top of the
roof for no one to hear as they poured their tears onto each other.

Chifuyu had finally gotten his voice back, it sounded hoarse and pained as he spoke. “I need you
here with me. You haven’t… you haven’t done what you promised. You’re going to burn my
heart Kazutora. You’re going to care about me from up close and not over a page, you’re going to
tell me all of your endless words about me, you’re going to see every tomorrow life has to offer and
you are only ever going to tell me see you later because we don’t say goodbyes. And I’m going to
show you every single good thing this life has to offer and you’re going to fall painfully in love
with living. I’m going to make you love getting up in the morning and you’re going to draw
millions of pictures for me and I’ll hang them up all over the place just please… Please don’t leave
me.” Kazutora sobbed harder at his words than he had ever done in his life. He gripped painfully
onto Chifuyu so much so that he thought he might have made him bled from how much his fingers
were digging into his skin.

He promised. He promised he’d jump ten years ago but that one promise could not overrun the
hundreds of things he’d promised Chifuyu. He’d fulfill a different promise. Kazutora would
finally have to let go of his promise to Baji Keisuke and let him wait a little longer.

Eventually they stayed on the floor no longer crying, still in each other's arms with Kazutora’s head
on Chifuyu’s shoulder exhausted from crying. He asked what he’d been thinking all that time,
“How did you know where I’d be?” He could feel Chifuyu’s heartbeat calm down and the rise and
fall of his chest everytime it pushed against Kazutora’s own since they were close to being flush
against each other. His cheek laid against the side of Kazutora’s head.

“I just saw it in a drawing you did once.” Oh. Chifuyu must have known for quite a while exactly
what Kazutora had wanted to do once he got out. It must have been why he stayed up with him for
so long the night before, why he picked him up, why he tried to get him to stay another night.
Chifuyu had known it all because Chifuyu knew Kazutora.

It was true that Chifuyu had seen it from the drawing, and Kazutora learned later that he had
actually gone through each and every building close to his home within a 5 mile radius before
Kazutora was released. He’d found each and every building open to the public with a roof. It was
not chance or intuition that had led him to Kazutora but sheer will and planning. He had hoped
 Kazutora might not do it at all but he was prepared for this as well. Chifuyu had also asked his
doorman to call him if someone with Kazutora’s description walked out of the building at night.
He said he had never put his shoes on so fast. It turns out Chifuyu hadn’t even changed from his
clothes from the day for that very reason. He was always going to save Kazutora.

The two of them ended up close to the edge of the building sitting closely side by side. It was
familiar, this was something Kazutora hadn’t experienced in a very long time. They were watching
what little stars there were left. Chifuyu had not taken his eyes off of Kazutora since they’d moved
places. It was better to say that Kazutora was watching the night and Chifuyu was watching
Kazutora.

November 2nd, 5:30 am

The sun began to show rising slowly from the edge of the horizon. Kazutora had not watched the
sunrise in a very long time, not since his idea on them all had changed. The sun no longer
reminded him of what it used to but the person sitting right next to him leaning into his shoulder
with his eyes on Kazutora. All it could do now was try and fail to compete with Matsuno Chifuyu
who was a sun all on his own.

The light began to bleed over the city glowing softly with it’s warm light falling all around them.
Chifuyu had never shone so bright. Kazutora could not stop looking at him and for once in this
repeated warm thought he’d had over and over before… for the first time Chifuyu was not
watching the sky. For the first time Chifuyu was looking right back at him, eyes full of warmth.

Chapter End Notes

This, originally was going to be the end of the series because when I planned it first he
was supposed to die at the end. Around chapter five I realized I wanted to keep him
alive and changed the story. I wrote many parts of this chapter slowly throughout the
book and it was almost complete a long while ago. I really do love this chapter as this
is what the build-up had actually been leading to and much less his release. Putting
this out feels very very odd since I've been writing and putting everything toward this
one chapter for a month and a half (that's when my first outline was). I hope that all of
you share my feelings in liking this chapter and maybe having quite a lot of thoughts
on it.

There will be nine more chapters, this is not the end.

 Chapter 27
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Kazutora spent the entire day next to Chifuyu’s bedside on the floor with his head leaning against
the mattress looking at Chifuyu. Once they’d gotten back Chifuyu had refused to go to sleep even
though he was most definitely minutes away from passing out. All of this to say that they’ve
compromised by keeping him in the room with Chifuyu while he slept. He was offered the bed to
rest as well but aptly declined and stayed on the floor.

He spent that time looking all around the room from his spot at the decoration. Of course his
friend would have a pretty interior, plain but pretty. Unlike the rest of the ardent yellows that most
of the house held, Chifuyu’s room was a cool blue throughout. The contrast complimented each
other, he had pretty furniture, another desk (that Kazutora wasn’t sure he needed) with several
photo stands propped up on it and an alarm clock mocking him with the time, a night stand directly
behind Kazutora with a matching old fashioned lamp to the one in the living room, and a fairly
large closet on the right side of the room. Everything in the room was dimly lit by the light
running under the door from the hallway. Kazutora wasn’t totally sure he wouldn’t mind staying
there forever though his back hurt incredibly so.

Around four O’clock after sitting in the same position shifting slightly ever so often he decided he
could not possibly take another minute sitting down and louder than intended moved himself away
from the night stand and hit the floor to lay down. It was then that he woke up Chifuyu with the
loud noise that was his head hitting the floor and Kazutora saw him shoot up from bed and crawl to
the edge of the bed to peek over the side at what had caused the noise. Chifuyu’s concerned face
turned slightly amused at the sight of Kazutora sprawled across the floor looking back at him.
“My back hurt.”

This caused Chifuyu to fall into a small flurry of light laughter at his position. “Why didn’t you sit
on the chair?” He’d known that that was where he was the moment he fell asleep but it was only
natural to assume that in the six hours he’d been asleep that Kazutora had moved around the room.
And yet he did what he promised and stayed put following directions too well to his own
detriment.

“Just… if you had night nightmares or something.” Kazutora had learned after years of having his
own nightmares that they are difficult to see unless you are up close to the person. He had also
wanted to be there in case Chifuyu woke up at anypoint during his rest and was looking for him.
All of these were things he could probably have done from the 9 or so feet from the edge of the bed
to the chair but he could find himself wanting to leave Chifuyu’s side for any reason.

He stayed laying on the floor till Chifuyu got up from the bed finally looking not tired finally, just
sleepy. He took his place right in front of Kazutora with his hands out stretched signalling for him
to grab them which he apty complied to do. There was an awkward moment where Chifuyu
wouldn’t let go of his hands till he realized what he was doing and dropped them like hot rocks.
He seemed to be remembering something. Without words Chifuyu was out the door with Kazutora
behind him like always trailing to the front room.

He followed him all the way to the living room right in front of the desk he’d seen yesterday.
Chifuyu opened and rummaged through the top drawer to pull out an envelope clearly more filled
than the others. Kazutora knew exactly what was in that letter and was quite more nervous now
that it was being held in front of him. “We have to speak about what you wrote in here. Not now
if you don’t want but at some point.” If preferable he’d rather it just be burned if possible.

“Not now.”

Chifuyu’s eyes were searching his for any troubling thoughts. “Okay, not now.” He set the letter
back on the desk looking down at it before turning back to Kazutora and leaning back on the desk.
“Kazutora, can I ask you something?” He looked a bit vulnerable putting himself out to ask a
question. Kazutora had never actually seen him look so unsure of himself.

“You could ask me anything.” He meant that. Truly, whatever Chifuyu might have wanted to ask
him he’d answer honestly. Kazutora was shifting back and forth of his feet from the uncomfort
that was his back and the situation. Since last night (early morning) they had not actually spoken
about what happened as Chifuyu was asleep but Kazutora had been anxiously awaiting the eventual
conversation that they were about to have. At least, that he assumed they were about to have.

Chifuyu looked as if he was trying to pick his words carefully as he opened and closed his mouth
several times before landing on something he wanted to say with knitted eyebrows. “Would you
stay here, if I asked you to?” This might have been a confusing question due to the lack of
clarification but Kazutora understood it well enough.

Stay here. Stay here with Chifuyu. Admittedly it was all he wanted to do though imposing was
still a terrible worry of his. “With you? Yeah, if you asked, I’d say yes. But only if you asked...”
It was too cheeky considering their current situation but he really hated seeing how nervous
Chifuyu looked. He’d wanted to put a smile back on his face especially if he was asking
something like that.

Chifuyu was fiddling with his fingers, clearly not wanting to say what he had to next. “I have this
room next to mine, it’s not actually furnished for the most part or decorated. It’s not painted or
anything really but-” He was quickly cut off by Kazutora who decided now was the time to lean
on the desk next to him.

“Come on Chifuyu, you were going to show me everything good about living, weren’t you? I’ve
never painted or furnished a room before, I’d probably like it if it was with you.” Kazutora was
cocking his head to the side giving a warm smile, finally wanting to do something. Really,
spending a day painting with Chifuyu didn’t seem so bad to him.

He was glad that Chifuyu wouldn’t push the conversation of what had happened last night and was
just letting him calm down from it all. Even more so he was still getting over the harsh change of
pace and environment that was the outside world. It seemed that taking all that into account and
Kazutora’s safety he really just wanted to take things easy, so they’d speak about it later. Kazutora
appreciated that more than anything, the complete care to his wellbeing.

“Hey and umm Chifuyu?” They looked longingly at each other, once again close and warm.
“Thank you.” It would always be ‘thank you’ followed up with. “Thank you for staying with me.”

Over the past week it became more and more clear how busy Chifuyu regularly was. Of course,
life did not stop for him and as Chifuyu did his daily things Kazutora would learn more and more
about everything that was going on around him. It was a trade off of responsibility and ‘quality
time’. In that week they had also accumulated many things for Kazutora’s room that were placed
in a pile in the living room till they would eventually next weekend paint his room and then put it
together. Till then he was exiled to the couch.

Kazutora always accompanied Chifuyu to work. It had become a regular thing early on for him to
come along and try and help with whatever Chifuyu needed which he was then called, much to
Kazutora’s dismay, “Upsettingly helpful and pestering”. This has then led to the very situation
they are in now and what Kazutora had been doing the last few days which was hovering around
him instead of actually asking what needed to be done. This was and is far worse but much more
amusing to the employee of the store.

“Oh my god… Kazutora, do you need something? I’m trying to check inventory right now.”
Staring expectantly back at him for a task and being thrown off guard when one didn’t come like
they had been when he hovered around Chifuyu he shook his head. “Yeah okay.” He continued
looking over his list and checking things off with Kazutora following closely behind.

Now, Chifuyu had allowed him to come help but he didn’t actually have a job for Kazutora to do
and instead would just give him smaller tasks he knew Mitsuya’s sister hated. Kazutora never
complained or seemed to mind anything he did but Chifuyu didn’t actually want to make him do
much of anything seeing as he wasn’t paying him. It felt exploitative on his part for him to give
him unpaid work even if he was living with him and being fed, that was something Chifuyu was
doing for himself rather than for Kazutora.

This all brought them to the question later on when Mitsuya’s sister who had been watching this
awkward exchange to ask Kazutora why he wasn’t working here. “Well, if you’re going to be here
all the time anyways you should at least ask Matsuno-san for a job. Otherwise you’re just taking
my job.” He hadn’t thought of that. Actually, Kazutora hadn’t thought of it affecting anyone else
at all. It had not occurred to him either that he might actually be of some trouble because of his
current habit of puppying Chifuyu.

He’d thought about it over and over till they were closing up (Chifuyu was closing up) and
Mitsuya’s sister had gone home. “Chifuyu… am I allowed to keep helping here? Officially?”
There is no good way to ask for a job is what he’d come to the conclusion of. And still he didn’t
even necessarily mean an actual job, just something to get Chifuyu to give him actual directions.
All he wanted to do was help. “You don’t have to pay me or anything since we live together and…
and yeah.”

Chifuyu looked at him with the most puzzled look as if Kazutora had just insulted him by asking
the stupidest question in the world. “Why would I not pay you if you’re doing work? It’d be
helpful if you worked here. My other employee has complained about you stealing their work
behind my back though. So you’d be doing more of what I do, how’s that?” The fact was that
Kazutora was just walking around in the same 3 outfits everyday since he didn’t have a uniform
like the other two and he did in fact want an apron with his name on it.

Him actually working there officially would make things easier in a lot of ways. Along with the no
longer awkward trailing stopping, the unnecessary guilt going away, and Chifuyu finally having
more help there was a lot to consider. For one, both Chifuyu and Kazutora were morning people.
Chifuyu naturally and Kazutora from years of conditioning. This made the very awkward Chifuyu
trying to let Kazutora sleep in when he was already awake tiptoeing stop. It would also let
Kazutora spend more time with him and let him be able to take more breaks and leave the shop
earlier. Really, it was all wins.

…
As promised, as soon as November 14th hit Chifuyu and Kazutora were at the hardware store
walking down the paint aisle picking up anything they could possibly need to paint the room.
Eventually they, after Kazutora swore he could carry everything in his arms, picked up a basket.
Dumping everything in there as he then finally picked up paint, dark blues, white, yellow, orange
and primer. He looked satisfied with all of it and turned to Chifuyu who was driving the cart now
and looking at his choices.

Before coming here Kazutora had decided he would match Chifuyu’s room in color. Now looking
at it Kazutora had chosen much more than just blue paint. “What’s all the yellow paint for?” He
didn’t seem upset by the choice or the fact that it wasn’t what he said before, just curious. He was
scanning over the items, finding some of them odd for just painting a room.

Kazutora seemed a bit proud of himself when said, “I’m going to paint the sun on the ceiling.”
Chifuyu looked at him fully, not expecting that response and looking more curious than before.
His expression changed slightly when he seemed to remember something else.

“You’re going to get paint in your eyes.” It’s true, in the olden days many painters who painted on
ceilings of churches and buildings went blind from getting paint in their eyes. However Kazutora
was already prepared as he had already known that fact.

Kazutora pointed at something he’d pointed in the cart before grinning blindingly at him.
“Goggles my dear Chifuyu, goggles.” He took to pulling the cart from the front along with him till
they got to the checkout fully inconveniencing other people around them. “You have a ladder
right?” He did in fact have a ladder not that Chifuyu had even once used it in his years of living in
his apartment.

They were going to spend the entire rest of the day painting the room and how much Kazutora did
not enjoy setting out tarps but the moment they got changed into Chifuyu’s sweats and white t-
shirts he changed his mind. Chifuyu asked for a reminder that they should go shopping tomorrow
for Kazutora’s wardrobe.

The first swipe of paint on the wall was cathartic and exciting. Kazutora had never actually
painted something before, he’d only ever seen it done and admittedly he was very good at it.
Chifuyu showed him how the rollers should be used, holding his arm to guide it the first few times
after. He spent the rest of the wall going over the primer carefully and surely. Everytime Chifuyu
would compliment how clean the wall looked he’d known it was a good job. The two of them in
that room that he would get to call his felt incredibly homely.

After the primer was up they sat in the middle of the room on the tarp cover floor watching the
paint dry which might have been less enjoyable if it were not with each other. Chifuyu told
Kazutora of all the regular customers they would get and explained their personalities so he might
be better equipped when he had to work up front. They spoke of getting Kazutora a license and the
bar Chifuyu liked that they would go to once he got it. They also spoke of getting his hair done
with highlights once more after Kazutora commented on disliking his all black hair.

During the blue coats of paint he watched Chifuyu get paint in his hair and on his cheek after it had
been on his arm when he went to rub sweat off his face. Kazutora trying to explain what happened
came over gesturing to his cheek watching Chifuyu try again and again to get it off before he told
him to just take a shower since he’d almost finished the blue part anyways and Chifuyu wasn’t
going to help paint the sun.

The paint had dried enough while Chifuyu was still in the shower for Kazutora to get to work on
the ceiling. He leaned back on the ladder with his goggles on and hair tied back and began to
paint. He felt he didn’t need an outline as he had drawn this same sun many times before after
practicing. Once he realized he didn’t know how to do it after drawing and writing Chifuyu’s get
well card he practiced. A sun with long curvy tails that most well resembled an abstract
impressionistic style.

It was almost close to being done when Chifuyu came back in with a towel over his shoulders in
checkered pajama bottoms to sit on the tarp in a spot where it was unpainted to watch Kazutora
work. “Nice goggles.” Kazutora jolted at his words not hearing he came in, almost hitting the
ceiling but being careful to miss it. He came down a few steps on the ladder and sat down looking
down at Chifuyu putting his goggles on his head.

“You like my sun?”

Chifuyu sure as ever responded, “I like all your art.” Kazutora seemed pleased with that and was
going to continue before Chifuyu continued. “Kazutora, I’m going to talk and it’s okay if you just
listen but I’m going to say something.” He took that as the go ahead to take his goggles all the way
off his head to listen and to not look stupid. “Maybe it is already clear to you where we stand and
what I am doing but I see you tiptoeing around the store and myself sometimes and I can’t help but
think there must be a reason why. I find myself so incredibly fond of you, you must know that at
least and so, anything I do for you is because of that. If you should ever find yourself needing to
repay me in any way I ask you not. You may only also do kind things for me and not repay me for
my own kindness as this is not an exchange of items but rather my feelings for you. So maybe…
maybe just be as straightforward and dont be held back by any of that when you’re with me… if
you can.” Kazutora had in fact been holding back quite a bit. He watched as Chifuyu’s head tilted
to the side at the very end of his last sentence in a slightly sad and reassuring way. There was not
once where he had meant to make Chifuyu feel ill about his actions. He’d only wanted to give
back as unnecessary as it might be.

“We are on slightly unequal footing though you know, as much as I’ll try not to pay you back since
you’ve asked… I hope you’ll accept any gifts I give you as kindness and not a repayment of debts.
You know, since I’m quite fond of you as well.” Maybe slightly silly of them to have even needed
to voice into words but as much as he loved hearing Chifuyu liked him he loved to say it back.
He’d say it back as many times as he could.

November 14th, 2015

Chifuyu,

Maybe I will never give you this but I find so much to be hard to say to your face even as we are
now. How much I cannot get our sunrise out of my head. Your hands are ingrained into my mind,
how cool they were, how strong they must’ve been to grip me as you did. I wonder how wrong of
me it might be to ask to hold your hand once again seeing as we are no longer in crisis. But how
I’d like to ask. Once my hands have been kissed and I’ve now often thought of kissing yours.
Might the sun be shining for us instead on that day when I might find my lips on the back of your
hand.

If I am holding onto you as you once did it is not from my feigness of heart but rather my will to
burn yours. I wish we might see the moon together soon and you can call it beautiful just as you
did before.
 Yours,

Kazutora

Chapter End Notes

Ah, we shall now get into the falling action of the book. I hope you are all still with
me to the end as I have eight more chapters to write-

(Also, thank you thank you for all of your comments on the last chapter here and on
twitter, I am trying to get back to as many as I can because they really bring me so
much incredible amounts of joy. Thank you)
 Chapter 28
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Successfully Kazutora had avoided seeing absolutely anyone he knew besides Chifuyu and
Mitsuya’s sister for an entire month. Now after that month passed there was an up-rise in demand
to see Kazutora much to his chagrin. The question of, how might he possibly make it past
Christmas without seeing them was surely crushed by the invitation to dinner by Mitsuya. Now,
out of all of the people to invite him, Kazutora had expected to get a letter from Mitsuya the least.

Yes, Kazutora did have a phone now but the only person in his contacts was Chifuyu and he
honestly did not need his number since he’d memorized it and they were almost always together.
He only sort of knew how to use it and for the most part used it for nothing but messaging Chifuyu
reminders for things. ‘Today we bathe the cats, Luna leaves early today, we have to pick up rice’.
Kazutora’s phone as it was was mere decoration, so formal letter it was.

He hadn’t received a letter in quite a while, and most certainly not from Mitsuya. It seemed
Mitsuya had asked for Kazutora’s number and had been given the response from Chifuyu of ‘ask
him yourself’. It was very like Chifuyu to push his own strong sense of justice onto others like that
but really it did not seem as if Mitsuya minded, in fact in his letter he didn’t seem to be phased at
all.

December 15th, 2015

Kazutora,

Maybe this is odd, getting letters now that you have a phone. I’ll attach my number below in case
you’d rather our communication not be held by pigeon mail. Chifuyu seems to be holding you
hostage from us all as we are not allowed to be in the pet shop as of late. It’s funny to see the great
lengths he goes for your comfort. He shall hide you away no longer, absolute unnecessary
guardian.

On Christmas, Ken and I are going out for dinner, if you and Chifuyu would like to join us, we'd
love to have you. If you have other plans we can just go out another day. Though, for someone
who was planning on seeing you the day you got out he seems quite impatient over actually getting
to see you. And well, I’d like to see you as well, Kazutora. Think it over?

(xxx)xxx-xxxx

Yours sincerely,

Mitsuya Takashi

As soon as he read the letter he sat there dumbfounded before running to Chifuyu’s room and
knocking quickly at the door till a slightly concerned Chifuyu opened the door. “Kazutora my
door was unlocked you could have just come in, what’s wrong?” The letter was quickly shoved
into his hands. He read through it with a blank expression. “Ah, yeah Mitsuya asked me about
this. I said to ask you. You don’t have to go if you don’t want.” The ‘but I know you miss them’
went gratefully unsaid.

It was almost funny how difficult Chifuyu had made it for Mitsuya to contact him. He’d in a way
given the clear indication that if he wanted to speak to Kazutora he would have to work for it. And
as embarrassing as that might be for him, he was glad Mitsuya did in fact want to speak to him.
“You’ll go with me, right?” The old Kazutora would never look so anxious to see his friends and
yet now years later it was well deserved.

“I mean… I’m on the invitation aren’t I? They didn’t just invite you.” Chifuyu hadn’t meant it to
sound so obvious but his name was written right on the letter. In fact Kazutora was not invited
alone at all.

Kazutora would message Mitsuya hesitantly with Chifuyu watching him checking over the
message everytime he showed it to him. The end turned into two separate messages of agreeing to
go and then both of them realizing he had not introduced himself so the first was followed shortly
by ‘this is kazutora.’ Mitsuya, who always texted back quickly and shortly, sent him the details of
when and where they were going almost immediately. The first interaction had gone fairly well as
far as he was concerned and lightened his nerves.

It was not often that Kazutora was so nervous but seeing his friends after years was cause for
anxiety he felt. Chifuyu would reassure him when the date came that everything would be fine.
The more he was around Chifuyu the more he was glad he didn’t have to do things all by himself.
As it was, Kazutora would always be more at ease with Chifuyu by his side.

Before this very month Kazutora had never genuinely celebrated the holidays. It had never been
enjoyable and was always something among the back burners of his mind as it was not seen as
important. Though, this year was different as it was the first time he’d be spending the holidays
with Chifuyu, not that they haven’t seen each other for several Christmas’ before. This just
happened to be the first time they were actually celebrating.

They spent the earlier part of the month gathering decorations before they set them all up this
week. Admittedly Kazutora had never actually put up decorations before but he’d had a very
enjoyable time going around with Chifuyu late at night listening to the worst music he’d ever heard
putting up little red and green paws and small chains of streamers. He’d never decorated a tree
before then either but the medium sized artificial tree in the corner of the pet shop was his first.
Chifuyu sat on the floor with him as they put ornament after pet themed ornament onto the tree.

For the first time it’d really felt like what everyone described as Christmas. They’d promised each
other not to give gifts after Kazutora posed the question if that was something that they should do.
Maybe it was that Chifuyu didn’t want anything from him, he didn’t know or maybe it was that
they were already celebrating with others, either way they were not to give gifts.

And still when Christmas eve came and they were sat on the couch with their preferred drinks in
hand they would both break that promise. Both Chifuyu and Kazutora sat there with a look of
disappointed satisfaction on their faces as they realized it was not just themselves who’d broken
the promise. Chifuyu turned Kazutora’s oblong green shaped box that he’d been given over in his
hands. “We said no gifts and yet here I am with something wrapped in my hands. Neither of us
are very good listeners then, are we?”

Kazutora turned his own red and white box over in his hands, it was much more prettily wrapped
than how he’d done Chifuyu’s. The internet was helpful for many things, wrapping presents was
not one of them. “I admit I’d already gotten you something when we spoke about it. It goes with
something else you promised.” And with that vague context the wrapping paper was being torn
off and thrown to the floor, they shared a look before Chifuyu took to opening his box.

“It’s a telescope.” Now, Kazutora didn’t have much money but the money he did have went
toward this. Chifuyu’s eyes were a bit wide at the gift as he looked it over. Expectedly he didn’t
know what to do with it or why exactly it was given to him but he seemed very appreciative.

Kazutora looked at the gift he’d given with a smile before giving his gaze back to Chifuyu. He
was remembering a moment they’d had a short while ago, “You promised we’d see the moon
together. And I suppose it’s more decoration and reminder than anything. If it’s still a promise
though, I’d like to fulfill it.” Once Chifuyu had promised Kazutora to see the moon together, to see
all the stars in the sky at the observatory. If he could ask for anything he’d ask for that
continuously.

He saw Chifuyu’s eyes light up a little more as he smiled at the telescope in his hands. “That’s so
fucking sappy. What were you going to do if I didn’t remember?” Actually he hadn’t thought of
that at all. In all their specific moments and shared private moments that had been brought up
again and again, Chifuyu had never once forgotten something Kazutora had said, even if it was just
in passing.

“Die of embarrassment I guess.” Truly he would not know what to do if he hadn’t remembered
what he was talking about. And yet it would never be an issue. “I knew you’d remember though,
you always remember.” After all, Kazutora and Chifuyu were the world’s most interesting people.
Who’d want to forget someone like that?

Chifuyu took the telescope across the room and placed it on his desk where there were still letters
and paper stacked about. It fit in with the entire rest of the theme of the desk, just very in place
with him as a person. When he was back on the couch closer this time to Kazutora, there was an
ushering of getting to open the next box. “Now you can say no to this, or any of it really but I’ve
meant to ask. Well no, you can’t say no to part of it. Nevermind, just open it.” The awkward way
with his words was enough to get Kazutora nervous about what was in the box. It wasn’t too big a
box, it could fit comfortably in his hands. He shook it next to his ear and got a curious look back
from Chifuyu.

Inside that box was a lease agreement to Chifuyu’s current apartment and a second line of dual
ownership, an adoption form from their pet shop and about two sealed letters with dates going on
from their own. He’d had quite a few questions to ask about this gift and was now seeing exactly
what Chifuyu meant when he described it. “Can I… can I ask about the lease first?” He was
thumbing it over before picking it up. Chifuyu’s name was already on it and the next line was
blank. It was for dual ownership.

“I thought at least that one would make sense, You know what it’s for.” He did know, and he
wasn’t sure how to feel about it. A bit nervous? A bit excited? A whole lot terrified? All of that
actually. And still he would say yes, Kazutora would always say yes. He was loved terribly by
Chifuyu and he would never not wallow in that. The next thing was the adoption papers that were
half filled out. Kazutora held it up for him to see. “You remember the cat I named after you last
year? The adoption he was supposed to have fell through but he’s gotten a bit old for some
people’s likings even though he’s only a year and a half. Still, I wondered if a cat might be more
or less your speed? So it’s kind of an ask otherwise I’m pawning him off onto Mitsuya. And well,
I don’t actually know if you like cats.” Kazutora was nervous around most animals if he was
honest but he had gotten particularly attached to that one cat.

Over the last month he’d gotten a bit more comfortable around the animals and he figured if he was
going to continue at the pet shop he should at least not be anxious with them. And well, he just
didn’t find it fair that no one wanted the cat because it's gotten a bit old. He would sign off on both
the lease and adoption papers almost immediately with no second thoughts. There was nothing to
think about, he wanted to stay with Chifuyu, what other thoughts were there to have? Chifuyu was
surprised by the quickness of his decision but didn’t complain a bit.

And lastly, the letters with dates that had yet to come. Each classic off white envelope with no
address and only Kazutora’s name on it with five different dates. One was for tomorrow, the other
for June 4th, . “I’ll guess that I can’t open these till the date it says?” The affirmation that came
with the nod was a bit disappointing. Kazutora was not the kind of person who ran on careful
decisions and dates when it came to opening things. He was the kind of person that would press
every button he saw just to see what it did and open every box just in case there was something
interesting in it. This test of patience was not something he was fond of, and still he would follow
it.

Tomorrow, he would see Mitsuya and Draken for the first time in far too long and still he was
nothing but nerves at the thought. Though, if tomorrow went poorly he would just count
Christmas as today instead.

After all his years of knowing Chifuyu he can come to the conclusion that without a doubt he is
quite bad at actual reassurance with words. His attitude of ‘oh well’ or ‘justice must be served’ is
an incredible toss up of what you might get at any given moment. Today, unfortunate to Kazutora,
Chifuyu seemed to be prone to the first of the options. As far as he was concerned everything was
going to go well and if it didn’t they’d just leave.

Driving in Chifuyu’s car to Mitsuya’s apartment his nerves were building up and melting at the
same time. The attitude Chifuyu held as unhelpful as he thought it was actually did lessen how
nervous he was. Kazutora couldn’t do anything but think that if he wasn’t actually nervous then
there was no reason for him to be as well. It almost felt stupid but at the same time it had made
perfect sense to him.

It was then walking up the steps of the building to the door or the apartment that he regretted not
being nervous. He glanced at Chifuyu as they were about to knock. “What if we just waited
outside for a minute?” Chifuyu looked at him and then proceeded to knock on the door. “Hey!
What was that?” He was not amused by the display that was shown but Chifuyu just laughed at
him.

The door was almost immediately opened up not by Mitsuya but by Draken. He shouted over his
shoulder into the room, “Takashi! Kazutora and Chifuyu are here!” Hearing Mitsuya’s first name
was almost jarring. Frankly, the only other person besides his sisters that Kazutora had heard call
him by his first name was the little kid that always followed Mitsuya around, Hakkai. It showed
how much he’d missed if the two of them had gotten this close. “Well damn Kazutora are you
coming inside or not? Chifuyu’s already gone past.” He looked next to him and then past the door
and sure enough Chifuyu was already inside. He must’ve spaced out.

Shuffling through the door and taking off his shoes Kazutora followed Draken to the kitchen where
Mitsuya was stirring something on the stove and Chifuyu was leaned over the island looking at
whatever was boiling. Mitsuya turned around and saw the two of them, “Dammit Ken, why are
you bringing everybody into the kitchen? Hi Kazutora.” Realizing what he’d done he ushered
both Chifuyu and Kazutora out to the living room where all the plates and utensils were already set
up.

They settled at the table where Chifuyu and Kazutora sat together on one side and Mitsuya and
Draken would be on the other. Kazutora continually looked at Chifuyu for any kind of cue as to
what they were going to speak about. “So Kazutora, I’ve been told you moved in with Chifuyu.
You two are… close?” It was almost not a question how he’d asked it, just a restatement of facts
he already knew. Maybe he just wanted to hear it straight from his mouth though. Kazutora truly
didn’t have any recollection of how much or how little people knew of him outside of the letters
he’d sent people back and forth and what Chifuyu had caught him up on.

“Yeah, the two of us live together. We’re close, at least… well I think so.” He’d never thought
he’d be so awkward around Draken of all people but here he was speaking to him in person after
ten years, awkward as ever. He was almost studying his face to tell if what Kazutora had said was
true or not.

Chifuyu without missing a beat followed up with, “We’re close.” This brought Draken to a small
laugh after being startled by the quickness of his unexpected reply. “Kazutora works at the pet
shop, you must know that from Luna though.” Of course he was aware Luna had probably told
them all about Kazutora, whom she must’ve heard of at least once before seeing him again in
person. She, being the only one to have gotten to see him. If they really were wanting to see
Kazutora he imagines they must’ve asked her questions.

“We have heard. Mitsuya is not thrilled at having another person to compete with for the spot of
older brother. She speaks of you often, you two are a lively topic.” It was almost as if nothing had
changed and yet if it was possible they’d all just gotten more mature with their age. There are
some people in this world that you can fall back into your rhythm with no matter the time or events
that had passed. Draken and Mitsuya were both those people for Kazutora.

He felt continually more at ease with Draken in front of him. “Chifuyu says you own a bike shop
with Inui. Why haven’t I heard of it from you?” And if he ignored everything else he felt wanted
again. If he ignored everything else he could think that just for a moment Draken and Mitsuya
were glad to have him. That when Mitsuya came back he’d smile just like he once did at Kazutora
and it would all be safe. If he just ignored everything else that was so obvious and plain and true
and he was wanted.

Mitsuya came out with dinner just then and Chifuyu rushed to help him as Draken answered the
question. “Work is all boring stuff. Besides, if you want to hear about it just stop by and I’ll shop
you around the shop. Takashi, do you need help?” He turned over his shoulder to Mitsuya whose
hands were completely full. He took one of the plates from him and set it down on the table. They
took only a minute before the table was set. Everything looked wonderful on the table but Mitsuya
had always been a good cook so it was to be expected.

Conversation wasn’t as awkward as he’d imagined it when he came there. How glad he was that it
 flowed. As they ate it would get easier and easier to speak to them. How stupid it was to be
nervous. I’m not nervous. How silly it was to think it would go poorly. Everything’s okay. How
nice it was to see them. I like being here. “Kazutora you’re shaking.” A small whisper in his ear
and a hand wrapped in his own and he was out of his head and back at dinner. “So Mitsuya, how is
it working with Hakkai as your model?”

No one commented on Kazutora’s spacing out or maybe no one actually noticed but the
conversation moved on as Chifuyu willed it to. “Hakkai is tiring. He’s good at it but damn he
makes me tired. Mm, we’re doing a shoot next week, you should come. It might be more
interesting if you're there. Love making clothes, hate the photo shoots.” Mitsuya and Hakkai were
always the weirdest duo in Kazutora’s mind. He could never fit them together and yet they did fit
very well. Though, he felt Mitsuya could fit with anyone he wanted to really.

“I’d like to see you work. I haven’t gotten to see your clothes for a long time…” It was sweet,
genuine, sentimental and still Kazutora did not want it to feel as sad as it did.

Reconciling is difficult and he felt that it would take more than one time seeing them to be
completely comfortable once more. He’d want to see them again though. He missed them. Damn
he missed them. Dinner was great and it felt so normal to be sitting there with them, it felt
normal.

As soon as it was over Chifuyu and him took their jackets, put on their shoes and made their way
into the hall. He hadn’t even noticed it till Chifuyu’s hand was on his cheek, “Hey, woah why are
you crying?” The tears streaming down his face felt oddly out of place with the smile we wore.
He just could not for the life of him stop crying.

“I just missed them, that’s all.”

Chapter End Notes

We will thank Shi for the full battery recharge that willed me to finish this.
 Chapter 29
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

February 2nd, 2016

Chifuyu,

I am not living, all I am doing is going through life and watching myself live. If I have put myself
into my own life then there must’ve been a separate me in those decisions because right now all I
am is watching. Chifuyu, people who watch themselves live are dead to the world and still I
promised you I would live. There are moments I think I have lived with you in whole and shining
light and those moments stick deeply within my mind. I play a record with your voice in my mind
from those days and I hear you say something wonderful.

There are things I’d like to say to you and things I’d like to do with feelings I’d like to show and
still, still I am watching myself. I wish to be something more and still all I am is myself and I
sometimes wish you might not be okay with that and hate me for it and yet you do not. You do not
hate me for it and I feel I’d exhausted myself trying to get you to. Though I love to have you care
for me and I will not deny myself the indulgent pleasure of your warmth when you do so.

I do not feel guilty as I once did but truly I will never not feel guilt or shame or hurt toward it.
Some days I’m terrified to say I might not think of it all at all and on those days you smile brightly
at me and I notice it. I hate those days when I do not think of him. I am most scared, I think, of
forgetting and living as if it had not happened. I would like to think that maybe, if I try hard
enough, the two can live simultaneously. Me wanting you and thinking of him. I think of him often
and I think of you fondly, you were always my most difficult challenge to face.

Yours,

Kazutora

His unease was still present even now though there were times when it had faded. It was his whole
difficulty in changing his perspective on life as he was trying to do. Twenty five years of one
certain thing is hard to change in only a few months though he felt it was far different than it was in
November. It was a quickened pace of progression and even then he would fall back into his own
thoughts with or without Chifuyu.

The more Kazutora’s hair grew out the more he would look at himself in the mirror and feel unease
at his reflection. His highlights had begun to fade a bit and if he let his hair down he’d only be all
the more reminded of who he looked like. And it was not as if Kazutora did not like his long hair
either, on the contrary he liked the more feminine feel to his hair that opposed his otherwise more
masculine feel. Or at least, that’s how he felt about it. Actually, he’d always been a bit jealous of
Baji when they were younger for being able to pull off the look so effortlessly.

With his hair all long Kazutora thinks he looks hauntingly more and more like Baji.

Today Kazutora was standing in the bathroom with the door open after brushing his teeth to get
ready for bed staring at himself. He’d been doing it more than usual and almost couldn’t get
himself to stop looking at his reflection. All he could see was Baji. It was a clouded misjudgment
but he couldn’t get over it. He just couldn’t see anything else. He’d never wished to be looking at
himself so badly.

Behind him in the mirror he could see Chifuyu poke his head in through the door, probably
wondering what was taking so long. He stalked over to Kazutora and put his hand on top of his
head looking at him through the mirror. “You don’t look like him, you know.” Kazutora was
taken aback by the easy guess on his thoughts. “That’s what you’re thinking right? Even if you
wanted to… you couldn’t look like him. Don’t think stupid thoughts Kazutora.” Chifuyu’s hand
ran through his hair as he brought it down to his side.

It was such a harsh statement that brought immense comfort to him. He couldn’t look like him
even if he tried. He’d never felt so at ease with words before. Kazutora truly just wanted to
believe him. And still because it was Chifuyu he would. Chifuyu does not lie and Chifuyu does
not lie to Kazutora.

He brought his own hand up to his hair as he brushed through it looking at himself in the mirror.
“Thanks. I think… I think I want to get my highlights redone soon. Even if I don’t look like him,
maybe it’s a little eerie regardless. Everyone with long black hair looks like him.” It was true that
even passing people on the street he would turn his head so quickly at everyone with Baji’s hair.
Anyone that could even remotely resemble him had his head turning.

“Well… you could always just chop it all off. You’d still probably look pretty good.” Chifuyu
gathered all of Kazutora's hair up in his fist and raised it to the back of his head so his neck and jaw
were showing. It was very messy looking but it got its point across. “Yeah, you could pull this
off. What do you think?” He kept Kazutora’s hair in his hand but swung around his shoulder to
look at him from the front in front of the mirror. He looked him up and down assessing his good
choice.

Kazutora felt a bit flustered by the action and would have stepped away if his hair wasn’t being
held in place. “I think I like my long hair just fine. Thank you though…” He felt his cheeks
heating up at the whole encounter and the out of the norm compliments being given to him.
Chifuyu complimented him on lots of things, his work, his art, sometimes his cooking that he’d
been getting pretty good at but never his looks. Kazutora had never once heard Chifuyu utter the
words ‘you look good’ and he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to as his heart would surely not be able
to handle the heat.

“Okay, well if you change your mind we can get it done… or I can totally cut it for you. Just you,
me and our kitchen shears. Or you can keep it like this, you look pretty nice like this too.”
Chifuyu let his hair fall from his hand as he stayed leaning to look at Kazutora and watch him
blush. Surely he must’ve known what he was doing but his face showed absolutely no sign of
understanding of that thought. This was as normal as ever, their occasional soft touching was as
normal as ever. He could in fact, not handle the heat.

He felt himself step back and bump into Chifuyu’s foot as he was still half standing behind
Kazutora. The step back he took made him look back and in return take a much larger and obvious
step back as to not fall but also as to not step on Chifuyu’s foot. “If I ever find myself in a crisis
with my hair again I’ll come straight to you and you can be my nightmare barber.” Chifuyu
laughed at that, holding onto Kazutora’s arm and steadying him before walking past him and out of
the bathroom.

They never spoke about it, he was only left warm at the contact. It seemed that any real
improvement in their relationship was now overlooked. He was not sure what to make of all these
positive interactions that he began to crave.

Most nights of the week Kazutora and Chifuyu ate dinner together at home. It was always
something home cooked and usually by Chifuyu who although he only had a small cookbook of
recipes under his belt was damned good at cooking anything in that book. Kazutora on the other
hand who was only taught how to cook once or twice by Mitsuya and on the regular fending for
himself on finding meals in his family's empty cupboards knew little to nothing about cooking. He
had been getting better however, credit given where it is deserved and tried to help out. He’d
burned too many things or used the wrong pots or baking sheets when doing it on his own and now
he’d started to learn under supervision.

Kazutora could cook a handful of things pretty well at this point and knew how to use a knife and
dice almost expertly. Though, when it came to kitchen timers he’d get distracted and mixing times
were too long and god did he ever just hate waiting for things to boil. This was all slightly overrun
when Chifuyu would show him how to do things or guide him in stirring.

Tonight they were to bake cookies, just cookies. In all the time they’d lived with each other
Chifuyu had not baked once and Kazutora was a bit interested to see. He’d said over and over
before they started that this was not his specialty but really nothing in the kitchen was. Kazutora
didn’t actually believe him that he would be bad at it though, Chifuyu was never genuinely bad at
anything. That might have been his clouded and passionate judgement on the subject taking over
though.

Right now they were in the kitchen with Kazutora sitting on the stool at the counter watching
Chifuyu pull out his one singular cookbook and plop in on the counter to flip through it.
“Kazutora, how do you feel about… peanut butter?” He had exactly zero thoughts on that
subject.

He leaned over the counter looking at the book with Chifuyu and seeing the materials needed.
“Indifferent. I’ve never had it.” Chifuyu stopped scanning the recipe with his finger and turned
himself toward Kazutora looking baffled. He wondered if Chifuyu was quite intense on peanut
butter and he’d struck a nerve. Earlier that month he’d learned that he had very strong opinions on
coffee, so this could be a possibility.

“You’ve never had the cookie or the ingredient?” Oh. When he thought about it, Kazutora hadn’t
had a lot of things. Kazutora hadn’t had lattes with foam or soap that smelled of anything sweet or
someone to wake up with or hang his pictures. He’d missed entirely out on so much the thought of
having peanut butter hadn’t even crossed his mind. Out of the things to want to have that was
entirely low on the list.

“Both.” And how dare he not have them. Chifuyu marched over to the cupboard and pulled out
something that could only be recognized as a jar of peanut butter. He went with a spoon pulled out
from the drawer in his hand and shoved it in the container. He pulled out a spoonful of the very
smooth and thick orangey colored food and held it to Kazutora’s face.

When he did not open his mouth, Chifuyu poked the spoon at his lips. “Open your mouth, you’re
going to try it.” Reluctantly he followed directions and opened his mouth to let Chifuyu shove the
spoon in his mouth. It was awfully sticky and a really different texture. He did his best to swallow
it. “Thoughts?”

“It’s like nicely flavored glue.” Chifuyu choked at that and let go of the spoon. They would
continue on their venture to cookies. This was also something he’d never done before, bake. He
was a bit excited. Kazutora was getting the most out of Chifuyu’s promise to him. He really was
trying to get Kazutora to love life and in some ways it had been working.

Through all the nightmares and dark thoughts Chifuyu truly was giving him some kind of light in
his life. It didn’t really matter what they were doing at any given moment in time whether it be
mundane or not it always seemed bright. It was almost blindingly so. After feeling in the dark for
so long with sparks of light every so often being next to the sun that was Matsuno Chifuyu
constantly everyday was such a big switch. It was anything they did that was different for him,
unreal and new. He would so cherish those moments because as someone who had been living to
die he knew to hold onto the small moments that might’ve been his last. He would hold onto
anything as it shined and anything as it grew dark for everything was with Chifuyu.

It turns out that making cookies was incredibly easy as Kazutora came to find it. Chifuyu would
read out the instructions as he guided him through what exactly each step meant and it became
fun. He thought he might’ve liked baking or maybe it was that he’d just never done it before. The
newness of everything was continually exciting in ways though it also meant nothing was familiar.
He was hard pressed to say he did not have a favorite food because he did not have enough time to
actually have tried anything enough times to have a favorite. What he might have once called his
favorite food he did not remember the taste of as ten years had deteriorated his sense of what it
might’ve been and truly it was not as good as he’d remembered it. All that was familiar was bad,
or most things that were familiar were bad.

He thinks that as if he’d remember anything that was familiar to him once. His favorite food,
movie, even his friends he’d had a blurry image of what they’d looked like before seeing them
again. Certain things he did not remember at all. His mother for example, things he should hold
dear and does not. Is it so wrong to forget your mother’s face? Familiar people are most likely
bad. Most anything that happened before 2005 was a complete blur in his mind. Though, even if
he did remember her or anything he’d once liked it might not have been important to him still. In
other words if his mother were to come see him, which there is doubt she would, the box of his
childhood things she would bring would be empty and meaningless.

March 20th, 2016

Chifuyu,

I’ve grown fond of the way your hands feel in my hair and on my skin. If I say I long for your
touch, then what does that mean? I long for it, it’s terrible really how much I do. If you were not
so warm, so whole, so very real to my eyes and sense then I might not want it as much as I feel I do
right now. There is a word I search for when I think of my want for you and I do not have it.

I pine for your everything. Is that too passionate of a word, of my phrase to tell you how I feel at
this moment. If you were to laugh at me I’m sure you were to be in the right as I think I sound
terribly ridiculous writing this and still you will never see it. The ardent flames in your eyes, they
burn me so. I’m saying so much and still it feels like nothing at all as I’m just repeating my
passion for you in words too little for my heart. If you wanted it, you could have it, you know. My
heart, that is.
 There are times in which I think I would just like to say every wonderful thing about you and put it
on paper. If there is something else on my mind I still do it, I put it all on paper and write to you
instead. I cannot break my habit after ten years and yet these are not for you to read most likely.
A rant to myself in the idea that it is for you. They are addressed to you still and I have no
intention of letting you see these as I most certainly would not be able to handle your eyes as they
searched the page.

Today I am better than I was yesterday but yesterday I was worse than I was the day before that
and I am still trying to figure out how that could be. If my life is to only ever be ups and downs I
think I might be distraught for as long as I live. Though, living only in one continuous high is
uninteresting and we have never been as such. To stay falling and climbing for the rest of my days
sounds exhausting and I wish many times within my day that I might get to rest on my steps to
happiness occasionally. I look at how far I’ve come and I am almost impressed with myself but I
look at how much there is left to climb of my stairs and I am once again put off by what you call
“loving life”.

Sometimes I find myself loving certain things, I love to wake up. But I do not love to wake up
because the action is nice but rather I know that as soon as I am outside of my bedroom door you
will be in the kitchen or bathroom and we will do something mundane and I will love it. I love to
be awake because then I am not dreaming and I hate to dream. If I only ever focus on everything
nice then I think I would love it more and though I cannot do that sometimes I find myself doing it
unconsciously. I do not know how much I love because I have never needed to focus on any of it
before. A heart is a heavy burden and I wear it constantly.

Yours,

Kazutora

Chapter End Notes

And I'm back. If you don't have my Twitter I said I'd be back today, thank you for
waiting.

I have so little left to write for this it's very very odd. It'll be ending soon. Enjoy the
fluff before the next chapter. 6 more chapters
 Chapter 30
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

May 14th, 2016

There was something important that Kazutora had been continually putting off and that no matter
how many times he’d wished to do it he could not get himself out the door to do so. There was still
someone he hadn’t gotten to see after he’d gotten out of jail and all these months later he’d still not
had the gall to ask about it. Someone so important that he should finally see, today, he would see
him today. And still, it made him unnecessarily nervous. He’d avoided it all for a reason really.
Confronting it in such a way was more difficult than he could process.

He wasn’t even sure where to look to find him, it seemed no one was speaking of it out of courtesy
to him. It wasn’t the only thing people hid from him out of courtesy, he knew that. Kazutora
wouldn’t ask about the rest of it just yet, he was still too unsettled in his refound relationships with
everybody. Though, he could ask Chifuyu… he could always ask Chifuyu but not about this.
Today, he would message Draken and ask, he was always best at keeping secrets.

It was probably unnecessary at this point for him to be anxious on speaking to Chifuyu about this.
If he’d only get over himself it was not something to hold back on any longer. There was nothing
to hold back on between them, not after the past ten years they’d been at their back and forth
opening up to each other. Not when they were living with each other and caring for each other as
they do, not then. And yet now.

Draken had given him the location on his own and so he would venture out early morning to
finally see him as he had intended to so many times before. Chifuyu was asleep and Kazutora
walked mousley quiet through the house, his jacket falling over him and he went to go through the
door keys in hand. The walk there would be cold and calm, as the city had yet to stir. He felt the
wind whip past him as he walked down the street. It felt cool and somber, fitting for the
occasion.

It was eerily beautiful being out by himself in the still and quiet, something about the clearness of
the day and the clearness of his usually rampant mind had put him at ease as he focused on the
sights. This wasn’t a terribly long walk to see him and on the contrary it felt quite short but the
time and atmosphere of getting there was soaked up into his being as he felt it all for what was the
first time. He’d walked in the cool before but this time the change in reason would make all the
difference. After ten very long years he would want to take his time with this visit and remember it
for every next time he felt scared to come and see him, instead he would remember the walk on the
way there and the ease that came with the rising sun.

Going to see Baji’s grave was something he’d previously never thought he’d get to do but as soon
as it was an option it was overwhelming. Though it had been too long and he had done too much to
just keep not going. So he would stand here at the entrance of the cemetery rocking on his feet
back and forth as the only person in sight for at least a mile and decide to go in because there was
too much time from the last time they’d seen each other. The stones on the way to his grave were
bumpy on the soles of his feet and the steps he took were slow till he arrived in front of the stone. I
knew we’d meet again.
He took his place in front of it staring at the carving of letters facing back at him. There were
some offerings still in front of the grave of flowers and a book. It was most likely from Chifuyu or
Baji’s mother as he was sure that most likely anyone else that visited would have done it on his
birthday or Halloween and the flowers were not wilted. Maybe he was glad people remembered
him or maybe he was sad people had had to remember him at all. The only thing he could do at
this point was try and make sure his memory lived on, that was all he could do.

Part of him wanted to imagine Baji was watching him finally as he stood in front of his grave but
part of him knew that was even out there for himself to imagine. He spoke anyway. It’s what
people do, he thought, they speak to the dead as if they are alive and can hear you because
speaking to yourself has always been the worse and more difficult option to go through with. “Ten
years and I’ve finally made it back to you. You always had a funny way of finding me in my worst
moments, I guess you continue to do that. You never really leave my mind you know, I’d never
want you to though I think that even if I really tried to get you out of my head you’d always be
there. You’re always there…” He felt himself staring at the grave for too long before continuing.
His words were stiff and falling constantly. “Oh, ten years is nothing, isn’t it? I still feel the same,
it’s hard to look at your grave stone right now because my throat hurts and I wish my insides
weren’t churning and that looking at you could just be nice. I wish I could just miss you like
everybody else does. I wish I could just say I wish you were here and not feel guilty at those words
but I do miss you. Baji you fucking asshole. I’m never going to be done crying over you it
seems.”

There are things in life to which your emotion does not fade. There are deaths that you will always
cry over and events that will always push turmoil into your heart. The way you deal with it may
alter but if was truly important it will stay strong and that will make all of the difference. People
are meant to cry. People are meant to tear their hearts out and sob at every little thing that may be
beautiful or sad. Things with passionate or devastating emotion will always twist your feelings and
let you pour your heart out of yourself in tears. It seemed for Kazutora that no matter how much
time passed he would always if given the chance cry for Baji Keisuke as he did now. If his throat
was unbreathable, if his eyes were soft and he smiled longingly at the stone, imagining his friend
sitting in front of him, then he would always be brought to tears.

He held his sides as if he was comforting himself before but he let it go and came to his knees to
have the stone tower over him. “A lot of the time I find myself at a loss for words. I say it a lot,
that I have no words to describe something. I can never find myself making up for what I lost with
you. You always had the other half of my words, always knowing what I was thinking. Baji…
you know I think I should hate you sometimes. Sometimes I really really want to hate you for
loving me and letting everyone forgive me when I should have suffered. But I don’t, I just miss
you. I just want you to kiss my hand one more time and we can sit and watch the stars together. It
feels so stupid, I want to hold your hand again. I haven’t held anyone’s hand like that in a very
long time. Can you hold my hand? Even if it’s just pretend?” In truth, he would have given
anything to hold Baji’s hand one more time and he did not know how much he’d wanted it till he
was looking at the grave in front of him raw and broken. He’d been put back together by Matsuno
Chifuyu and still part of him would always be broken as he wished for his best friend. No one’s
warmth would ever be the same and every person’s love that they gave would be different. Having
lost Baji’s love again and again till it was finally gone was always going to be a defeating loss.

There’s something that does not make sense to most till you experience it, the true and bitter loss
of someone you’ve loved. The loss of someone ripped out of your life will be there far after on and
on in little ways. It may be small, his favorite song that goes unspoken of when it plays, the corner
they turned that once had more sentiment to it. It may be the mention of their name that has you
frozen in time trying to stay with it. And it was all his fault. And still, he does not have the right to
speak of him freely and hold onto him because all it is is bitter and all it is is his fault. Kazutora
would never grieve in a proper way because the proper way for losing someone to your own hands
is not at all, it is remorse. Though, maybe all he was ever going to be was inherently selfish
because he missed him dearly. He missed him down to his smile and laugh and the touch of his
skin. He missed the comfort and wholeness of him that no one would ever quite be able to
replicate. Everyone else could only ever be blatantly worse copies of what was once a loving
treasure.

To get him out of his own head as he felt once more brought back to himself, different as it was, he
would wish so terribly that he was not alone in that moment. And although it did not happen by
magic as it never would with them, his trying heart picked up his useless phone and dialed for who
would only ever now be his most important person and bitter past subject. It was only half way
through the second ring and through his tears he would hear his voice on the other line soft and
woken up early on a Saturday, Chifuyu. “Kazutora? Good Morning, why are you calling? I can
hear the wind, are you outside?” Ah, this may have gone better if he’d gone with Chifuyu and not
let himself fall apart with his emotions. Still, how he missed Baji Keisuke and how difficult that
would be to say to anyone but himself.

“I just… wanted to hear your voice. Chifuyu, I’m visiting Baji right now.” That was all he needed
to say. What other words could there have been to have let Chifuyu know exactly where he was at,
how he was feeling and where their conversation would lead in a short sentence? He was sure
there was none. Out of everyone he has ever and will ever meet Chifuyu will always be the only
one who knows his heart so perfectly as he does not plan to spend so long getting to know anyone
else.

There was a pause on the phone and a missed beat before he felt the gears click in his head. “Say
hello to him for me then, will you? I haven’t seen him in a couple weeks.” He’d just want to melt
at those words and fall terribly apart and cry on the phone and say so much more than he did. All
he was doing was failing to keep it together in front of Chifuyu who truly he no longer had a reason
to pretend in front of any longer.

He felt his tears slip through his words. “I’ll be home shortly.” He wasn’t sure how much longer
he could actually take being with Baji on his own. His dearest friend will continue to break his
heart with no words at all at his absence. And though he is to blame he will cry because he can no
longer hold himself back from the tears that should have been shed over and over for Baji Keisuke.

“Kazutora, take your time. I’ll be here when you get back.” Thank god for Matsuno Chifuyu. It
was always his short words that would mean the most and be so perfect in every moment.
Kazutora hung up the phone and that and he would in fact stay there for at least another hour in
silence feeling as though he so terribly wished he could say more to the person not sitting in front
of him. Baji had always deserved more words than he could give and he would always deserve
more time than allowed and he would get none of it. Grieving is always for the person who stays
alive as it does nothing for those who are already dead.

His walk back was just as calm but with more on his mind. Much of his time for so long felt as if it
was spent wishing he was not feeling as he was but occasionally drowning in his own emotions
under the clouded sky he wished it might be raining as it did so very characteristically in his heart.
Walking did not do much to clear his head as he arrived at the front door of their apartment, tired
and exhausted. He wished to just lie down and feel awful but he also wished to speak to Chifuyu
about everything on his mind at that very moment until he was drained of thoughts and energy.

He opened the door to Chifuyu still in his pajamas on the couch reading something irrelevant and
playing something soft and proper to the tone he held. There were two cups of tea with steam
coming off them and he knew that his arrival time was expected before he even knew it himself.
“Kazutora, would you like some tea?” And he did, he made his way to the couch and fell next to
him leaning back on the couch on his side looking at Chifuyu. It seemed Chifuyu would always
know exactly what Kazutora might have needed without ever actually being sure. Or maybe he
was good at that with everyone but Kazutora would have liked to believe he was like that
especially for him.

“Chifuyu, can I say something completely awful and you can think so too because it is awful.” He
didn’t give any indication of a yes but Kazutora knew he was fine with it so he continued looking
intently at him. “I miss Baji, and I hate to know I shouldn’t do that because I miss him over and
over and I cannot say it outloud because I hate it. It’s not something I should have the privilege of
doing though it is not a privilege and I am at odds but I miss him. So I’m telling you and even
though you don’t forgive me yet I hope that you’re okay with me saying it outloud. I really hate
not saying it outloud.” Chifuyu stared blankly back at Kazutora in a way that had made him
nervous. Suddenly he was not sure if he wanted a response or to just not have said it at all. He
should have just not said it at all.

He watched as Chifuyu sat there for a long time thinking of something before he leaned over and
grabbed the cup of tea he’s made for Kazutora and put it in his hands before holding onto his own.
“I forgave you for it all a long time ago, you know. I just could never put those words in my mouth
as they felt so foreign to me. I do forgive you though, I forgive you and I hold you very close to my
heart in a way that if you did say something like you missing Baji I would not hate you. I would
not hate you even a little bit because I miss him too and Kazutora it is only natural to miss your
best friend. So it is not completely awful and if you do find yourself missing him you can say it
aloud because I will always be thinking it too. Though it is admittedly not all I do and certainly not
all you do we will alway be missing him so I think something like that is okay to say out loud. I do
not mind if you say how you feel Kazutora. I prefer it.” He felt very safe within those words.
That he could miss him vocally and not alone, that he was forgiven, that Chifuyu was here. He felt
very lucky to have had those words said to him just then. He never knew how much he’d needed
to be forgiven till it was something said aloud.

Forgiveness is a difficult and rare thing to come by if it is true. Though small things can be
forgiven easily and even then it seems to be a task, large things, detrimental things are often never
forgiven. People do not deserve to be forgiven for the awful things that they’ve done he had
learned but if they are it is what some people attribute their lives to. To be truly forgiven for
something is to have your heart given back to you. He was looking at his heart right now in the
palms of his hands as it was whole and beating and loving and forgiven.

May 14th, 2016

Chifuyu,

I’ve fallen apart today in a way I might never have before. I’ve fallen apart today and I put myself
back together on my own and still although it is you who has gotten me here I have done it on my
own because I chose to. There are many, many things about myself in which I do not like. I could
give you a very long and endless list on those things and yet I no longer feel as if the time and
effort I would spend on that would be worth anything. I think for the rest of my life I will dislike
myself even if it is just a little.

I wish I was not how I was and yet I am how I was because I am myself. I do not like myself but I
no longer hate myself as I am exhausted of the time it takes to do that and so I just am. I seem to
 ‘just be’ a lot. I do not mind that.

I wish to just be with you. I will just be as we sit and watch the stars and I will just be as we cook
dinner and at the very end of it I will still be myself because that is all I can be. I’m Hanemiya
Kazutora to the end, I still hate my last name though it is mine and I dislike my face though it is
also mine. I do not dislike myself entirely though, and I suppose that that is enough.

-Kazutora

Chapter End Notes

I realize this is not the first or even the second time I've written a scene with someone
talking to a grave. A very odd theme I've given myself.
As there are five chapters left I find myself at odds with publishing the last chapters
quickly. I will see where my thoughts take me on that.

As always, your thoughts here or on twitter are always lovely and I find great joy in
reading them. I think at the last chapter I'll put links to all the art you guys have drawn
for me because it's truly great and everyone who reads this should see it.
 Chapter 31
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

June 4th is a day Kazutora will never seem to forget as he thought it had been entirely odd at the
time and hard to follow though now it only feels natural and correct.

All the way back in Christmas Kazutora had received two letters from Chifuyu. One was for
Christmas day and the other was for June 4th. Today was June 4th. The first letter when he’d
opened it and honestly been a bit disappointed by had a time, ‘10:20 pm’. He’d spent several days
after staying up till that time looking for Chifuyu till he finally got him to say that he would have to
wait for what that time meant. Also, that he needed to stop waking him up over the letter.

This second letter had three words on it. ‘Meet me outside’. The absolute test of patience this set
of letters had on him was immeasurable. He’d opened this letter early in the morning and would
spend the next sixteen hours checking the clock constantly to see if time had somehow sped up
entirely. He should also mention that he did not see Chifuyu once during that Saturday and all of
his texts to him went unopened and unanswered. He checked outside the window in the living
room every half hour just to see if maybe he’d just shown up early. He did not show up early.

Though at 9:30 pm when it started to rain as it was forecasted to do that day Kazutora started to
wonder if he should even be meeting Chifuyu outside at all as the rain was coming down heavily.
At 10 pm when he finished getting dressed and grabbing both his and Chifuyu’s coats, it had been
left behind, as he started to pull on his boots and make his way out of the building. The elevators
were unoperational today as they were being worked on that week and he found himself taking the
stairs glad he had left early. He could still hear the rain from outside even in the stairwell as he
came down the flights of stairs. It was really pouring outside.

He waited in the lobby checking the time again and again on his phone till he saw at 10:15 Chifuyu
standing outside under an umbrella in the pouring rain. Kazutora immediately rushed to go
outside, opening the door to Chifuyu smiling at him from under the umbrella. “What are you
doing?” He almost felt like he was yelling but he couldn’t hear much of anything but the rain
thundering down. A forecasted storm was approaching and he’d wondered if they should just head
back inside as Chifuyu was dressed warmly but not at all to be out in the rain.

“Come on!” Chifuyu waved him over and he complied, stepping out into the rain and under his
umbrella with him. After giving Chifuyu his jacket and making him put it on he was grabbed by
the arm and being pulled unnecessarily as they made their way down the street. “I’m going to
show you something.” Was also said loudly. There was basically no one on the street besides
them and definitely nobody driving about at this time or in this weather. It was just the two of
them in the pouring rain making their way slowly down the street to wherever Chifuyu had been
planning to go. It all felt oddly childlike as they stomped, getting their pant legs and shoes wet
trying to fit under the umbrella together. If it were anyone else he’d have refused to go outside like
this at all but it was different when they were together.

The rain poured heavily upon their umbrella loudly as ever till they’d gotten to where they were
going. Chifuyu’s hair stayed windblown and his face slightly wettened from the rain hitting it as
the drops escaped past their umbrella not made for two. “Are we walking aimlessly or do you
have a destination planned?” Most likely whatever Chifuyu had wanted to do was not in the rain or
planned so heavily in advance around there being rain, that he was sure of. The steps they took
made audible splashes as they fell through the streets together.

Kazutora would later feel embarrassment at his choice but in the moment he’d barely noticed
himself linking their arms, it was a sudden flash of confidence due to the odd situation. That and
the fact that Chifuyu’s shoulder was getting seriously drenched due to the pulling and distance they
held. It seemed more and more likely that they were going nowhere at all. “Technically yes. Just
trust that there is mostly a plan.” They splashed alone to a very large and empty parking lot of
Tokyo’s observatory; there were no cars in sight, just the concrete ground.

It was there that his arm was let go of and Chifuyu left Kazutora with the umbrella to go out to the
awning and bench of the side they were on most likely for buses that were not running. Kazutora
found himself following shortly behind to sit with him on the bench as they stared at the building.
“Are we going to go in?” He shook his head and leaned his head back to look up at the clear
awning where rain slid off the sides all around them. All he could do was watch.

“Kazutora, I thought I hated the rain.” With his head leaned back turning himself to look at
Kazutora. “I really, really hated the rain... But look at the clouds.” Kazutora could only watch him
as his arm was gripped and then were to look at the sky rain from above together. “I was going to
take you to the observatory but it’s closed. It’s raining so you can’t really use the equipment and
they don’t want anyone out in the storm. I thought dammit we’re going to see the sky, fuck the
weather, Kazutora and I are going to see the stars. But there’s no stars.” He sat back straight and
burst into laughter with Kazutora staring at him. There were no stars but Chifuyu was surely
shining like one in this moment. “It’s so stupid, I just wanted to see the sky with you.” He
wondered what had gotten into Chifuyu to put him in such a good mood today or have him be so
chipper though he surely did not mind it. His usual intense demeanor simply faded away with the
rain.

They must’ve really looked like complete fools sitting at a bus stop for a bus that wouldn’t arrive
at a place that wasn’t open in the middle of a rain storm. He wasn’t sure how much he minded.
“It’s not stupid. The sky looks great.” And it did look great. He felt his heart overrun with happy
feelings at how stupid they looked and how much he wanted to be ther, how much they both
wanted to be there. He was not always one for gestures but today seemed like quite the nice time
for one. Leaving their umbrella behind he took off his jacket and took Chifuyu by the arm this
time he bounded through the water drenching their pants and clothes in the process to the middle of
the parking lot. “We can see it better from here!” A fool, maybe, but in a better mood than he had
been in a long time running through the rain and surely catching a cold.

“We’re going to get drenched!” It was a stupid statement, they were already drenched and they
both knew it but Chifuyu let himself get pulled to where they were going till they were in the dead
center. He let himself get soaked to the bone with the rain and Kazutora nor he seemed to
completely mind one bit. They could worry about being cold later. “I don’t hate the rain.” was
said quietly enough that if Kazutora wasn’t listening intently to Chifuyu’s words he would have
missed it. He agreed in his mind that he didn’t hate the rain either. There was something so
comforting about something that was supposed to be sad and turned out okay, turned out helpful.
The rain watered the plants, the rain let everyone go home and the rain looked damned pretty as it
fell rapidly around them. There’s nothing inherently bad about the rain other than the fact that
some people hate it but Kazutora never hated it.

If the trip had gone as Chifuyu planned it might’ve been fulfilling, it might’ve been wonderful and
he might’ve really enjoyed himself. Though, if the trip had gone as planned he would not be
standing in the middle of the rain with Chifuyu completely soaked looking up at the sky and
holding his sleeve which in his mind was much better. Better because years from now he will not
remember seeing the stars with Chifuyu and keeping their promise, he will remember stomping
through the pouring rain because Chifuyu could not stand the thought that they would not see the
stars together. He will remember grabbing him by the arm and pulling him through the night to get
soaked and end up sick later. That is what Kazutora will remember and to him that is okay. The
unexpected with Chifuyu always came in glorious bursts of light or terrible pouring rain and it was
always okay.

Their clothes were terribly wet to a hellish extent and he didn’t even once notice how unbelievably
cold it was. “Chifuyu, I think you planned the storm. I don’t know how you did it but I think you
planned it because only you would want to do something unexpected when we could have just
stayed at home. I like the rain too.” He was silent for a long minute before deciding against his
better judgement and bringing his eyes back to Chifuyu who was staring at him patiently after his
words.

Out of all the sights Kazutora had seen over the years most were ugly and unforgiving and there
wasn’t much to brag about. Out of everything even now he’d have to say his favorite and most
treasured were Matsuno Chifuyu’s eyes. The color was something to brag about for one but the
way he felt like he was melting when Chifuyu softened his gaze to him got him the most. Nothing
could top the way he looked at Kazutora.

“You look like our cat after it’s been bathed right now. Your hair is all over the place.” Chifuyu
unceremoniously pushed Kazutora’s hair out of his hair and behind one of his ears. He wondered
when they had gotten so unconventionally conventional. “If I say I planned the storm do we get to
go back under the awning?” They did after a small while decide to do exactly that. Both of them
knew that this would not fare well for their health but they walked home after while the rain
continued without their umbrella and jackets as there was no need at this point. They apologized
terribly to the doorman at the building and took the stairs to their apartment where the bath was
immediately run and wet clothes from their torsos were discarded at the entry exit to their shoes.
Chifuyu was made to take his bath first after intense persistence from Kazutora who insisted that
he would wait. There were then blankets ripped from bedrooms and thrown to the front couch and
tea made for when they would sit, as they did many days when they were emotionally exhausted or
wanting to talk about something important, and feel at home. It was mostly on that couch that
Kazutora would feel the most at home because it was there that he sat side by side with Chifuyu
and spoke as if they were truly the only people who mattered in the world.

Kazutora got out of his bath with his hair still slightly dripping and his pajamas on to meet Chifuyu
on the couch where he proceeded to find himself under a soft blanket with his thigh touching
Chifuyu’s knee, his head leaning on the couch as they watched each other. “Thank you for taking
me to the observatory…” If he could always be running through the rain and ending up under a
blanket with him he might’ve opted for that. They didn’t often stay under blankets together but
most nights they were quiet and most nights they held eye contact for unknown periods of time
because truly they enjoyed looking at each other. When you have such an obvious privilege taken
away from you for so long it’s quite easy to immerse yourself in it once it is available.

“I’ll take you for real some time. We’ll go on a day that it isn’t pouring outside and we’ll see the
stars.” He thought about it for a while, whatever he’d wanted to say and followed up with, “You’re
very easy to impress you know… I seem to not have to do much for it to look like a lot to you…
someday I’ll show you something really great and you’ll have to raise your standards.” Kazutora
wasn’t sure that would ever be possible. He was sure he would always be excited to go places and
be outside to do anything at all. There were so many things he still had not done that would still
have easily impressed him to be able to do.

If he told the truth it was that being happy to do things was quite wonderful. Wanting to do things
and being able to do those things, all of it, it was all wonderful. “I hope I never stop being
impressed by you. In the far future I’d like to wake up and still think that I find you completely
exhilarating doing just nothing at all… that’s what I want.” He knew exactly what he was saying
as his slightly tired eyes fluttered to close and open again as they stared happily at each other. If
being easily impressed meant being happy with so many things then he wasn’t sure he could see
the issue with it. Though, he didn’t exactly believe Matsuno Chifuyu was anything less than
completely impressive to everyone and that his standards could be raised a hundred times more and
Chifuyu might still be above them.

“I am pretty impressive, huh? For someone who just followed me blindly into a rainstorm you
must think quite a lot of me…” It sounded as though Chifuyu was not saying that to Kazutora but
rather to himself. It would always be that Kazutora tried and failed to know what he was thinking
with his eyes all glittery and his smile so knowing of something he would not say aloud. He could
almost guess what he thought at that moment. Though it was only ever a guess.

June 5th, 2016

Chifuyu,

If I’ve gotten sick from the rain drowning us in that parking lot I am not sure I care. My stupid
head is in love with your terribly thought through words it seems. I’d gotten too overjoyed at the
prospect of stars that I was okay looking at the clouds. One day we will really see the stars
together whether that is at the observatory or not I do not know but it will be with you and to me
that is enough. I do not mind if the rain never stops pouring or if my heart never slows its pace
because you are looking at me and I am sure the sun is shining and that my heart cannot take it.

Today I have realized exactly how much there is that I have not done. I feel as if I’ve done so much
or maybe there has just been too much of one thing but really I’ve done nothing at all. Much of my
life has been spent with all these limits that my current life does not have and I still do not know
what to do with it. You spend quite a lot of your time showing me things I’ve never seen and taking
me places I would have never gone and you always do it as if you are content. I’m sure you are,
today you smiled so genuinely I’ve melted again.

It looks as if the closer I am to you the more I feel okay burning myself with your radiance. I have
burns all over myself from getting too close to you and I think I am okay with that. I feel so
overwhelmingly grateful for you and I never know where to put all of my feelings from that. I write
them down and do idiotic things and annoy you terribly so and there are still more feelings to be
given. You’ve never once told me to stop when I follow you around or stare too intently or want
too much. I think many times you probably should have and that other people must’ve brought it
up to you and you still let me. Do let me continue though, I do not mean this to sound as though
I’m complaining, you just do too much is all. You always do too much.

How much I wish to gush about you. You looked so lovely in the rain. I heard that word once
again a while ago, ‘lovely’ and it fits so well to describe you. That is what you are, lovely. I do not
think you would enjoy to hear me say it aloud however, so I will keep it here and maybe one day
you will know what I think of you in a whole and complete way as you are, to me, lovely as ever.

Chifuyu, one day I will say it all aloud and you will understand. I feel as though even if I say what
I do right now it is not enough. I told you once that I would tell you everything nice I thought about
you. Not today, though I will. I promised. I intend to keep that promise.
 Still yours,

Kazutora

Chapter End Notes

I have midterms this week and next forewarning. Though I'll most likely still update
even if it is not very quickly.

If you have any thoughts I'd love to see them as always. I hope you are all doing well
:)
 Chapter 32
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

Courage. Kazutora had always prided himself once he found it that he had courage to do whatever
was necessary, whatever he liked. He, however, lacked courage in one department to a terrible
extent of which he had been slowly building up over time. This week he’d planned to do
something of which Baji Keisuke would have been proud and encouraged to a hellish extent. By
the time he finished the too long letter there was no time to turn back as it was already morning.
So he would reap the consequences appropriately.

What he had decided to do a while ago was write a very wonderful letter of affection to Chifuyu
that he would actually deliver for once. In his mind it seemed cute and an easier way to say things
to Chifuyu that were ‘gushing’ without actually verbalizing it. It was absolutely a win-win
situation and when he ran it by Luna (his confidant) she more than okay-ed the idea and told him it
would be very sweet, charming etc. and that she wished someone would do something like that for
her. So, it was obviously a very good plan though in delivering the first letter he was a bit
anxious.

Finishing the letter a day late was fine because Chifuyu had no object of necessary time to this plan
as he did not know about it. So, Tuesday morning, not Monday, he finished his shortish letter and
sealed it neatly with ‘Chifuyu’ written nicely in the upper corner of the letter as if it was an address
and not who it was addressed to. Though later when he’d planned to give it to him he did not.
Throughout the morning as they padded around the house he did not, as they ate breakfast he did
not and when they left for work he still did not. Kazutora kept it with him in his coat pocket as
they left still anxiously waiting for when he was going to give it to him.

It was only Chifuyu. There was no need to be nervous. Though he was nervous, he did not want to
see Chifuyu’s reaction to the letter at all. That was the beauty of sending letters back and forth was
that he never got to see his face, though sometimes he wished he could, it was still not
embarrassing when he said something too close to an extravagant compliment. Right now he just
wanted to shove his letter into Chifuyu’s hands and walk briskly away so he could not see him
when he read it.

So he did. The moment they got to the door of the pet shop after Chifuyu had unlocked the door
Kazutora shoved the envelope into a surprised Chifuyu’s hands. He did not look at him as he said,
“Please don’t open this when I’m around or I’ll be very embarrassed.” He took his leave into the
shop before Chifuyu not looking behind him even once. Kazutora went right to work. It took a
solid three minutes before the door to the shop door opened and closed once more which was not
enough time for the letter to have been opened and read properly but was enough time for the letter
that was shoved into your hands to be processed and thought about.

Kazutora looked from behind one of the aisles over at Chifuyu who was still holding the unopened
letter in his hand and walked off into the office with it. He did not come out of the office for at
least fifteen minutes where he returned empty handed with a very stoic face which was only mildly
appreciated by Kazutora. As much as he did not want to see his reaction he didn’t exactly want no
reaction at all. Still, he saw no look of change on his face and that continued for the rest of the
day. He never spoke of the letter and simply continued on with his day, they opened the shop and
everything was normal.
August 9th, 2016

Chifuyu,

I said once that I’d like to tell you every nice thing I thought of you and although I cannot deliver
entirely on that I would like to give it a start. Often I have been astounded at the patience you have
with me and every stupid thing I do. Hold your patience a little while longer for me, at least to the
end of this letter. I am thanking you in advance for it.

You do much that I find I cannot say back to you how I feel about it as how I feel about it overall is
a terribly embarrassing thing to admit. Truly, painstakingly embarrassing, I promise. I often write
to you things I can never let you read, please do not look for them. My heart can barely take
writing and letting you see this. I often write to you all my thoughts about a certain day or how
I’ve felt about something you’ve done when it must be so easy to say aloud, though I do not find it
easy at all. It is much easier I find to say things when there is no consequence in action, not that
there would be here but I’m sure you understand. It is much easier to say things when I know I will
not have to face you over them and hear from your too lovely voice any snarky remark, or any
remark really that you might say back. I wish to say something still, I wish to say a lot of things
that you might actually hear and you might actually read. I’ll do something like that now and I do
hope I find the courage to give this to you…

All that build up for me to say things you must already know about yourself. You are seemingly the
most confident person I know as well as the only person I know who feels as if it is not enough and
does not flaunt it. I do not understand how you do not flaunt your wonderfulness to the world when
they would gladly marvel in your everything any chance they got. They should at least be glad you
give them your presence at all. I find I am most grateful for your continual presence next me, I’ve
won some kind of living lottery in being given you. If I stare too much I am glad it is never pointed
out, I wish to at all times be looking at you if possible. Hold my gaze as long as you’d like, I do not
mind swimming in your eyes for as long as possible.

I feel very childish sometimes in the things I do and you have pointed it out before my complete
amazement with many things. I’d love to thank you again and again for showing me those
wonderful things but mostly I’d like to thank you for not finding it stupid that I’ve gotten so excited
so often. You never seem to be one for excitement and yet when I am overjoyed all you seem to do
is smile and ask me questions with no judgement behind your eyes. I think if I was you I’d surely
be judging me and yet you do not. You let me look stupid, of which I am grateful, and you look
happy.

Often when we wake up together, and I wish I could say this in person, but I’ve never met anyone
who looked so pretty after just waking up. Admittedly I am very jealous as I think I look much
worse than you and really it just is not fair that you look nice the minute you’re awake. My own
jealousies aside, you do look truly great first thing in the morning. You’ve always seemed so tired
in the past and as of late you seem more and more rested. I will accredit myself on making you
sleep earlier but also tell you I am glad you look less completely exhausted. Also because you
always seem so calm in the mornings just pacing around and making coffee, getting ready. I
suppose that’s my own selfishness as I feel exceedingly calm when you are like that. We have not
been so close for long and yet I find myself in sharing your mood occasionally.

Back to you, you are so sweet with the animals. Every single one of them seems to like you the
moment it sees you. I take that as a show of your own good character, they really do all love you.
I enjoy watching them parade around you when some of them are let out of their cages. They all
enjoy you so, it is funny to see how quick they are to rampage at your feet and wish to be touched.
They and I are the same it seems. If you wish to let your hands linger near my own a little longer I
will not mind.

I seem to find everything you do in a poor way completely endearing though you are never truly
bad at anything. It’s completely unfair, you know, that you might be so completely good at
everything. Though if you do happen to be bad at anything (and I’m sure it is not consistent) it is
done in such a way that I cannot help to feel so melted by it. It almost feels rude to list what you
are poor at so I will not, though the other day you did do something and I’m sure you know what it
is. I smile stupidly at you at such inappropriate times, I promise I might stop eventually.

I hold out hope for us of which I did not before. I want for more as of now and wish deeply to
continue doing so. Maybe I want for too much but I so want everything you have. Not in physical
possessions and just in your heart. I’ll ask for real sometime but maybe it is okay for me to place
the idea in your mind since I’m sure you know you already have mine. My heart, my everything,
whatever you’d like really. It’s all yours.

Unabashedly yours,

Kazutora

When the shop had closed Kazutora had almost forgotten he’d given such a letter only earlier that
day and that surely it was on Chifuyu’s mind as well as they were closing up. Chifuyu did not say
a word as they took their jackets and went to take their leave home. Luna had left earlier and gave
a big thumbs up to Kazutora, completely reminding him of what he had done and reinstating his
embarrassment. Even as they walked out of the shop he was still silent till he stopped all of a
sudden making Kazutora stop suddenly with him and turn around to look at him. He just stood
there with a very unamused face as he looked at him, “Kazutora, are you a coward?”

That was surely not the response he’d expected from him to anything he’d done. “I’m sorry?”
There were many ways he’d thought of their conversation going after he’d given that letter to him
but being called a coward was not how he thought they would start with or end with or be called at
all. At the very very least he’d just expected not to get a response but somehow this was worse
than that. His face fell shocked at the question as he barely knew what to say back to that. ‘Sorry’
was not what he’d thought he’d have to say.

“I thought you were going to tell me out loud. I don’t hate the letter if that’s what you’re thinking
but I hope you know you can’t just write down all your thoughts about me and keep having me
read them. It’d be nicer if it came from you so I could hear it even if you have to look away from
my face to say something so embarrassing like wanting to give me your heart. I don’t find it
embarrassing though, not if you mean what you say.” It was a bit cowardly to say it all not directly
to him but even right now he could feel his face heating up at the recollection of his words. It was
embarrassing, to him it was completely embarrassing. And he did want to look away from him but
as he said before he could not bring himself not to be looking Matsuno Chifuyu in the eyes any
chance he got.

It was courage that got him thus far and it would be his overwhelming need to express his feelings
that pushed him further. Even with the casual comments of compliments and appreciation he
showed Chifuyu it was not enough. He needed to do something more, say something big, Kazutora
needed to let some of his feelings flow over and get given to someone else just like they had done
in the past. “I don’t blame you, I want to hear your voice as much as possible so I guess I’d do the
same. It is embarrassing though, maybe not to you but it is to me. I’ve never had to say something
 so obnoxiously heartfelt before because I’ve never felt like that in the past. It’s really really easy to
say things when you’re not looking at me, when I can’t get your immediate reaction. I’d like to tell
you something wonderful but it is a bit terrifying knowing I’ll know how you feel the moment I
say it. But I told you I would, I told you you could have everything I can give and I can give you
my words, I can, even if I feel nervous. Chifuyu, I do love it sometimes, you know, living. Even
right now when I’m really terrified of looking back at you. When I’m next to you it feels like
nothing bad has ever happened and then I love it. Though I’m trying to love it regardless of what
I’ve done and I seem to not be there yet. When we’re together though… for the most part… I love
it.” He stopped for a moment trying to gather his words. “I do think you’re great, you know.
Really really show stoppingly great. I think it sounds so much less nice when I’m not writing,
sorry. I like your voice, I said that already but I do. I wish everyone else in the world would just
shut up so I could listen to you speak endlessly without interruption. Sometimes I wish everyone
else would just disappear, not really, but just for a minute so I could explain how okay it’d be if I
only had you. Is that an okay thing to say? I feel like I’m speaking a lot...” He was almost close
to tears. It seemed Kazutora cried when he got overwhelmed with something even if he was just
talking.

Chifuyu didn’t say a word. He just looked blankly at Kazutora as he poured his heart out to a
disgusting extent. All he did was blink and start walking again. “Okay.” Kazutora just stood
there with tears welling up in his eyes staring at Chifuyu who was walking away past him. “Don’t
cry, Kazutora. I don’t hate it, not a thing you said was too much. We’re going to go home though
so the people on the street stop staring at us.” Kazutora looked around and they were indeed being
watched by a few people who quickly turned their heads away at Chifuyu’s words. He felt even
more embarrassed now as he hadn’t even noticed them when he went on for so long. He quickly
followed after Chifuyu, stepping closely next to him. He felt a hand go to the top of his head and
ruffle his hair. “Don’t look so embarrassed, they’re just jealous that you weren’t pouring your
heart out to them instead of me.”

It was most likely incorrect, silly even of him to say but of course, of course it made Kazutora feel
better. Of course the moment Chifuyu held his eyes once more after putting his hand down he was
smiling at him and of course that was why Kazutora had said all those things just then. He was
looking at someone who held so much of his best interest, so much affection for him that for
Chifuyu as well his feelings would overflow. And then it was just as he’d wished, it was only
Chifuyu and he on that street as they walked home. It was only the two of them who’d listened to
his monologue and it was only them who would care about it tomorrow. Really, no one else did
matter.

When they got home Chifuyu would not say much, he never said much when it came to his own
feelings he just handed Kazutora a hot cup of tea and it was okay. He knew how Chifuyu felt even
if it wasn’t out loud. It never had to be said directly for him to understand something like that. He
would sit on the couch and watch as his letter was put away into one of the drawers in the desk in
the front room where many of his other letters were. “Kazutora, in the future… Tell me what you
think of me to my face. We don’t have to have an audience next time for me to appreciate it
though. In fact I’d prefer we didn’t though your lack of spatial awareness is obvious.” He smiled
at the desk and back at Kazutora with his heartachingly warm smile, “It was nice despite it all
though being so overly flattered by you. Even if your words are cleaner on paper, I like hearing
your voice too. You don’t have to say so much next time and I won’t put you on the spot but it’s
nice… People like to hear nice things about themselves if it’s from someone they hold affections
for you know, so I don’t mind it. If you pour your heart out so desperately like that. I won’t mind
if it’s you.”

Chapter End Notes

Chapter End Notes

Apologies if some of the spelling is more off than usual I'm afraid I have a fairly high
fever right now. That aside, I hope you enjoyed it. I love knowing your thoughts on
them or the story. I have midterms still but wrote this in between- have a good
day/evening :)

Three more chapters

 Chapter 33
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

November 3rd, very early in the morning when both Chifuyu and Kazutora would have normally
woken up and been walking around by now to get ready for the day seeing as it was still the
middle of the week there was no time to sleep in. Only, today it was just Kazutora standing in the
bathroom alone brushing his teeth and just him pulling his turtleneck and pants on sluggishly. By
the time that he was alone in the kitchen and making coffee he figured Chifuyu just wasn’t getting
up at all today. At around six thirty when he would most certainly have been up by even if he’d
slept in, had a cold, needed to take the day off and would have told Kazutora he started to get a bit
nervous.

Now, he was fully aware of the date and still the thirty first had gone over fine. They’d both
visited Baji together this time and given offerings. They stayed late to tell him stories of the pet
shop that he would have so loved and certainly would have enjoyed seeing. He had so much to tell
him and even if it started a bit awkward with Chifuyu and him sitting in front of the grave together
trying to make talk it had ended as if it truly was the three of them sitting there and Baji was
speaking with them. Kazutora was never sure what exactly a ‘healthy’ way to heal might’ve been
but this felt close, this felt right to him. Right now though it felt nerve wracking.

He went over and over the possibilities in his mind with the usual black coffee Chifuyu always had
in hand and knocked on his bedroom door. He pressed his ear to the door and heard a soft
murmuring from the other side. The lack of answer after his fifth time knocking gave way to him
speaking loudly at the door and turning the handle, “Chifuyu I’m coming in!” With coffee in hand
he made his way into the bedroom of which he’d only actually been in to stay a few times. He’d
made visits and stood at the doorway many times waiting for Chifuyu to put his shirt on before so
they could leave or chatting briefly about something. Often though they were anywhere else in the
house or if circumstances led them there in Kazutora’s room as he let his clothes be judged or his
drawings be looked over, Chifuyu always just said his room was brighter. And thus for probably
the fourth time ever he was actually inside of Chifuyu’s room.

Making his way over to the desk he spotted Chifuyu with his head on the desk speaking into the
cell phone propped up haphazardly next to him. Mitsuya must’ve been on the other line or at least
it sounded like him from the brief comment he heard after the door opened. From the line came,
“You should just throw it out as a suggestion. He can always say no, I’m hanging up Chifuyu.
We’ll see you at six.” before the line went dead. It was definitely Mitsuya he discerned by the
time he’d finished his sentence.

Chifuyu picked his head up from the table and looked sleepily at Kazutora who was standing
awkwardly a few feet away from him with a coffee mug in hand and a sheepish smile on his face.
He would not have opened the door or spoken so loudly if he knew he was speaking on the phone.
Though, it didn’t matter because Chifuyu let his head fall slightly to the side with a warm and tired
smile. “Is that for me?” It was clear his interruption was not a bother in the eyes of his sun but
rather a welcome and needed way to end an exhausting conversation.

“I just wanted to see if you were okay.” He came over to put the mug into Chifuyu’s outstretched
hands. He still wore his pajamas and from the looks of it had been on that call the entire morning
and probably even before Kazutora had gotten up. Kazutora leaned on his desk and looked down
at Chifuyu who was now sipping generously at the coffee he’d been given. If nothing else
Kazutora was very good at making coffee, a skill he did not need to have as it was rarely his job to
do so. “So are you? Okay that is?” A hand was outstretched and put on top of his own that was
gripping the desk for support on his leaning endeavor and made to run his thumb over the back
again and again in a way that was reassuring.

Chifuyu, as Kazutora had come to learn over the many many years of them doing nothing but
speaking but also in living with him, did not enjoy most forms of physical contact. That’s
incorrect, they seemed to come very rarely because he needed them less than other people did.
Kazutora would always let him take the lead on most, if any contact they had as if it was up to him
they would most certainly be in eachothers arms more often and kisses would have littered the
hand that was comforting him so right now. Though, it wasn’t he who needed comfort, it was the
exhausted looking man who the hand was attached to. “Probably not. I just need a few minutes
and then I can put into words what I need to say. You can stay till then.” So he did.

They stayed with their hands almost closed to holding till the coffee was finished and the empty
mug was back on the desk. Chifuyus head fell onto their hands in a dramatic way of which
Kazutora rarely saw from him. There were times when he’d gotten particularly annoyed over
something and went on about it or felt particularly distressed about a certain topic but he never
showed affection during those times. All he was was upset or annoyed or hurt and would be close
to Kazutora but never touching. Right now he seemed so out of it as his head was rested on top of
their hands and he let out a long sigh.

“They're going out today for Baji’s birthday and they want me to invite you. I’d said no originally
and then got roped into going by Mitsuya who is an incredibly sneaky bastard, let me tell you. So,
I agreed but I said you probably wouldn’t want to go but I wasn’t going to go if you weren’t and
then he said I’d already agreed so I had to go. Which is stupid because first of all I don’t have to
go anywhere but I swear he plays mind games so now I do have to go but I didn’t want to go
without you and leave you alone even though I really don’t think you’d want to go and staying at
home today would ahve been so much better. And that’s where I’m at. I’ve been on the phone for
like two hours with him and occasionally Draken.” He turned his head to the side on their hands
and looked up at Kazutora and smiled the same tired smile at him. “Anyways, hi, how are you
doing?” For too long had Chifuyu been on the phone debating over something for Kazutora’s
sake. It was okay that he lost, Mitsuya was a very hard person to prove wrong on almost anything.
Though, he didn’t have to do all that just for him.

He was right, he did not want to go out with them tonight. It was not that seeing all his friends was
something he was uncomfortable with, on the contrary almost any other night he would have loved
to go out with them. All of his favorite people together sounded great to him, he did not however
want to go out today specifically. Though, if that was where Chifuyu would be tonight after much
debate he felt he might have to get over himself and tend to someone else’s needs. “You’re right I
don’t want to go… but it’s okay, you’ll be there and we can just leave early or something. I don’t
mind. Thanks for like… defending my right or whatever like some kind of twenty first century
office knight. I appreciate it.” He brought his other hand over to brush Chifuyu’s hair out of his
face and show the same affection of reassurance in rubbing his thumb on his cheek as he held
Chifuyu’s face. “Other question, are we not going to work today? Because you are definitely not
dressed.” Both his hands were taken away as Chifuyu sat up in his chair.

“No, the store is closed today. I did tell you last week though, you know?” He did not know but
he most certainly forgot. Chifuyu had a wonderful habit of telling Kazutora important information
very late at night when he was half asleep and then expecting him to remember it. This seemed to
be one of the things he’d neglected to write down after being told. So instead he was dressed for
work or anywhere really, all that made the uniform was the apron and name tag. Chifuyu on the
other hand who was still in his pajamas was pushing himself out of his chair and walking over to
his closet. Kazutora would take the mug and leave the room for further instruction when a newly
dressed Chifuyu would walk through the door to tell him exactly what was happening at six
O’clock.

He came out in some pretty sweater looking as if he had not been completely exhausted only
minutes ago. Taking a place in front of Kazutora seated at the counter he went to explain what
tonight would entail for them. Around five thirty they were to leave and drive to a restaurant
where they would be escorted to a room (of which was rented out for such an occasion and because
they had way too many people than to just come unannounced). There they would have dinner and
do whatever it was exactly the ‘gang’ had planned for them that evening. If at all possible, they
would leave early and go home, if anything got uncomfortable they would also go with that plan.

The two of them spent most of their day going over some manga that Chifuyu had gotten
recommended to him and bought recently. They laid on the floor next to each other going through
the book slowly as Kazutora seemed to like to take his time with each page. Maybe they were just
calming down or maybe they just wanted to distract themselves but by the time five thirty rolled
around they were content with themselves. They were chatting about what had gone on, their
mutual dislike of the main character and how visual the story played out. Chifuyu listened to
Kazutora gush about the backgrounds and how he wished so much that he was better at them,
stating he should really practice on them. He said he should do so and paint something wonderful
for Chifuyu to put in his grossly bare bedroom.

All the way to the restaurant they were happily going back and forth till the car was parked and
they went silent at the destination. Kazutora was convincing himself it would go well and that he
would be glad he came but part of him found seeing all of them right now to be so incredibly
difficult. He took a deep breath and stepped out of the car making his way around the car and
following Chifuyu inside. The large restaurant felt crowded and overwhelming as they weaved
their way to the front desk and asked for directions. They were then escorted to one of the
backrooms of the restaurant where all their friends were waiting for them.

The moment they entered the door Mitsuya stood up and led them to their seats which were
thankfully together, next to Inui who was sitting by Draken. The large rectangular table was filled
with drinks and appetizers that some of them were gorging on. Kazutora sat awkwardly sharing a
smile with Mitsuya who sat a bit diagonally from them. He knew how he was feeling but there
wasn’t much he could offer other than seating him next to the quietest person in the room and
Chifuyu. He’d placed him in a safe spot it seems. Everyone was talking amongst themselves if
they were not eating. It seems there was no specific topic in mind, work or otherwise

He shifted awkwardly in his seat and looked around the room everyone around him paired up in
conversation save for the two outsiders to the group which did not include Chifuyu. Although he
had well incorporated himself into the group that was not the problem here. The issue was that
everyone else had a set partner to speak with as they were seated and Chifuyu was turning out not
to be his. It seemed Inui on the other hand, although arriving in joining late was an outsider by
choice. Draken seemed to be the only one he was completely comfortable with and he was of
course hauled up in conversation with Mitsuya as Peh yan yelled across the table at them for their
slide remarks. They did not make eye contact and kept to sipping slowly at their drinks watching
everyone around them fall into sync.

He just couldn’t find it in himself to enjoy today, to celebrate. “Good drink choice.” Kazutora
looked next to him at Inui who was finally breaking the silence with a rather odd choice of
comment. He hadn’t ordered his drink at all, in fact it was just sitting there when he walked it.
Really it might not have even been for him though it was sitting dead center of where his place was
set so it was only right to assume.
“I didn’t pick it.”

Inui set down his own glass of what looked like the same drink. It was funny since it seemed
everyone else had drinks that differed from each other and they were the only ones matching. “I
know. I chose it.” Kazutora wasn’t actually sure whether or not to take that as a joke since he said
it with such a straight face. It took the continuation of the comment to see that Inui had been trying
to make a peace offering of conversation of sorts seeing as there was no one else who wanted to
talk to them. “I saw you get it once when we were out before. I thought I’d try it.” It was
discernibly not a joke.

Their awkward attempt at what could in some ways be looked at as a conversation, though
Kazutora’s one line might’ve made it hard to call it that, was interrupted by the starting of dinner.
It seemed Draken was the one who had actually organized the event and not Mitsuya much to
Kazutora’s surprise. He went on to speak of why they had gathered there today. “I found myself
alone in many days mourning the passing of our cherished friends and loved ones. Baji in
particular being the one to show me that it was not the mourning of his death that he might have
wanted but rather the celebration of his life and all that he was. There cannot only be sad moments
after the passing of someone you care for, there will come a time when you might remember them
greatly and fondly. So, today we toast to our dear friend Baji as he was, a companion and
cherished friend…” His voice wavered ever so slightly as he continued looking as Chifuyu now
with his glass raised. “A first love…” and to Kazutora whose eyes welled up with tears at the
speech, “and a partner. To Baji who shined brighter than any of us.”

As they all toasted, Kazutora felt tears running down his face as he stared awestruck at Draken’s
words. It became clear why it was so important for Kazutora to be here tonight. It was not for
Draken necessarily that they had done this tonight but for Kazutora who had alienated himself on
all things Baji from the group. Hearing them finally speak of him twisted his heart violently so.
His hand was taken into another's from Chifuyu who was next to him. He squeezed his hand as he
stayed silent while conversation picked back up around them. They were both thinking it, how
glad they were that they had come, how at peace their hearts were. Kazutora who could barely
handle himself finally got to wiping his tears with his other hand as he kept Chifuyu’s hand
wrapped tightly in the other one. He was not planning on letting go tonight even if it made
movement substantially harder.

Chifuyu leaned over and whispered into Kazutora’s ear, “Do you want to stay?” They’d been
planning to leave as soon as they could but the speech had maybe changed his mind. It did not feel
as if Kazutora had been the one to take their friend away but rather that they had all lost someone
including him to what is now a tragedy. There was no blame being given to him, just the
recollection of their own shared grief and love for their lost friend even as the time has passed. A
truly wonderful boy that they all might have wished was sitting with them all grown up to celebrate
today. To celebrate his life as he truly deserved and would have wanted, it was more than
Kazutora would have expected or hoped for. Everyone had not forgotten.

“No… No, I think I’d like to stay.”

The night went wonderfully, they spoke of fond memories they’d shared of Baji and what their first
meetings with him were like. He heard Chifuyu speak of memories he’d already been told and
were new to the rest of his friends. It was a joyous occasion as the room was filled with laughter
and fondness for someone who deserved the utmost on such an occasion. By the end of the night
when everything had died down and people were taking their leave Mitsuya said to Kazutora that
he was glad he’d decided to come, he believed the words were “it would not have been the same
without you.”
 On the drive home they stayed silent but Kazutora and Chifuyu both knew they’d felt much better
after coming. Reliving any date important of someone you love who has passed is a difficult thing
to go through and often people like to be alone during it all. At some point it becomes necessary to
be able to vocalize your fond words for them and understand that there are other people
remembering them just as fondly as you have been. Living with their ghost all on your own will
never hold less weight than it did the very first time you noticed it. The weight only becomes
easier to carry with other people around you carrying that exact same weight and time that makes it
all less noticeable of how heavy it really is. Today, they were all carrying their weights for
everyone to see, and maybe it had felt lighter by the end of it.

Chapter End Notes

We (I) have two more chapters left before the end... I am admittedly nervous about
ending this as I've been doing this for over two months now and it's going to feel very
weird to no longer be able to work on it. I hope you enjoy my book as much as I have
enjoyed writing it, thank you-

I'm going to share all the artwork I've received? Seen? All the fan art I've gotten thus
far for the book so you might all be able to look at it if you haven't seen it before as if
it all really quite good.

Robin LTK art 1

Robin LTK art 2
Robin LTK art 3
Ataegrr LTK art
Akiraptoroo LTK art
Odd1sette LTK Art
Gacha LTK video
 Chapter 34
Chapter Notes

See the end of the chapter for notes

You should spend your new year with who you will still be important to you tomorrow. A stupid
line really. Actually, it’s an incredibly awful and incorrect line that he’d still never followed
through with once because he always knew it was stupid and incorrect. He would have rather
changed it to ‘you should spend your new year with who is important to you right now and who
will still be important to you tomorrow’. Now, Kazutora hadn’t followed that line either but he still
found it to be a better line. Today and tomorrow will always be better than just tomorrow. Only
enjoying tomorrow has always been a stupidly idealistic thought to anyone looking for more than
future satisfaction.

Today, tonight, he would follow his own fixed piece of advice because today and the rest of the
year were always going to be spent with who was most important. Chifuyu and Kazutora would sit
on top of their building of which there were no constraints and they would watch the fireworks
because that is what people do when they find someone important to them, they spend time
together. He’d forever be finding himself in this hopeless need to be pleased and all of currently
and all of tomorrow it was Chifuyu satisfying that. Though there were many other people he
would want and need he always seemed to find his way back to the person he most desired. His
most loved person.

Chifuyu had left earlier that night with a few things to make the otherwise now uncomfortable idea
of spending hours upon hours on top of a roof seem slightly more enjoyable. This meant they were
going to sit on a blanket. Kazutora was left behind to put drinks into containers and meet him on
the roof which he had finished doing. He and the two thermoses of their preferred choice of drink
for the nightly winter weather, hot tea, made their way to the door. They’d spent the last new
years together but with no plan at all watching some awful movie that Kazutora cannot remember
right now and would not like to remember. This year they had planned to see the fireworks after an
expressed desire by Chifuyu whose desires were not often voiced but met if at all possible.

He climbed the steps to the roof once again for something good, and for the first time not to get
away from something else but to go toward it. And when he would get to the top someone would
be waiting for him to do nothing but watch the sky. The steps were quiet but he could hear the first
of the fireworks start to go off making him quicken his pace to the top. The bolstering noises from
outside rivaled the still of his beating heart aching to open the door. Kazutora, finally at the top
after his much faster pace allowed him to get there, opened the door to Chifuyu shining among the
bright lights in the sky on the blanket he’d laid out for them near the edge of the roof.

At the sound of the opened door he turned to greet him and in that moment everything was truly
okay. “Kazutora.” Yes, everything was okay as he stepped closer and came to sit down on the
blanket next to him on the roof they should not have been on with drinks still too hot to drink.
Only once before had they been together on top something so high and seen the sky, the stars
together and yet it felt so completely familiar as if it was something they’d done hundreds of times
before. That odd familiarity felt completely wonderful to him as he settled himself on the blanket
and closer to Chifuyu who was opening their thermoses and letting the steam flow off the top.

“I’ve never watched fireworks before. They’re pretty loud.” He’d heard them many times before
and seen them all in passing but sitting down to watch them, it felt entirely different. They
illuminated the sky and colored their faces with their rays as they rose and fell again and again. If
this was going to be his first time he was glad it was when he was feeling content with everything
around him. The beating of his heart was calm and steady to the loud explosions the fireworks
gave off. Chifuyu seemed only so impressed by the fireworks but looked to be thoroughly
enjoying Kazutora seeing them for the first time.

Chifuyu moved himself up and exactly next to Kazutora so they were side by side arms brushing
each other and the limited distance they held gone. His hand was taken properly this time, fingers
interlocking with each other and placed carefully onto Chifuyu’s thigh. They’d never really held
hands before for anything other than comfort, it was how Kazutora might’ve imagined it would be,
completely loving and wondering. “It does just feel like only us now, doesn’t it? It’s nice.” The
city was floors below them and no one else was visible for them to be watching. Though in fact to
Kazutora every moment they held on their own seemed like only them. It continues to be so even
now. It’s just you and I now, Chifuyu.

“Ending the year like this… we should do this every year.” He was hopeful and a little bit too
cheery in his request but he wanted it. He wanted that picturesque end to every year and to be
holding hands with Chifuyu at the end of it each and every time. Just them. Feeling a little bit
brave and a whole lot exhilarated by the situation Kazutora brought their joined hands up to hit
face to spread several light feathered kisses over the back of Chifuyu’s hand. There was no
complaint as the hand was placed back into his own lap to squeeze his hand, letting him know
everything he could.

What had he done to get here? How long it had taken to be so calm next to someone too vibrant in
his eyes. Difficulty is a stupid word because it does not hold the tremendous weight of eleven
years of his life that was at it’s core ‘difficult’. It was full of words he still had inside pages upon
pages of letters over nine of them painted in ink. Nine years of his life written all to someone else,
who kept it all. He kept the other half of those letters of which only made sense with his own. To
write your life to someone is to give it all away, over and over, every day and to trust that they will
give themself away to you too. And he did, their completed story of those nine years tucked away
for someone else.

There is never any guarantee that someone you decide to give your heart to is ever going to take
care of it, no guarantee you will ever receive anything back. You just hope for the best. You take
all the time in the world if necessary and fall apart in front of them over and over showing them
everything you are. If by chance that person trusts you enough to fall apart so wholeheartedly too
then, then maybe you give your heart away. You can watch them pour little kisses all over your
heart and hands and hug you desperately, promising not to let you go. That’s who your heart
belongs to, someone with kind words and a reassuring smile who lets you drown in their eyes for
hours at a time. And then maybe without words you know they’ve already given you their heart
too. Kazutora had someone else’s heart in his hands that he was promising to keep safe and
treasure dearly because Matsuno Chifuyu deserved nothing but to be safe and treasured dearly.

People deserve so much more than kind words and reassurance, they deserve love letters and starlit
buildings and horrible drawn suns in the back of their medicine cabinets. They want and crave and
settle for so much more less over and over that the moment they have it it seems quite magical,
quite unrealistic. Kazutora finds himself in this disbelief quite regularly being promised nothing
less than more. Chifuyu finds himself lost in confusion at words he’s never heard and affection
he’s never received. They are both falling over and over again in something so wonderful they do
not understand what to do with it. And all they will do is hold hands and bathe in the explosions of
repeated light.

Kazutora should be watching the sky as it bursts with wondrous light that he’d never gotten to see
before but he is watching Chifuyu. “We can do it every year if you’d like, though there aren’t
always fireworks or a way to sneak onto the roof, we can watch the sky though, anytime really.”
Anytime . He was okay with that promise. He’d do his best not to abuse that promise with frequent
visits late at night to anywhere the sky was readily available. It was so calm and warm on that
freezing roof with the loud celebration. Just the still in the middle of it all was Chifuyu and
Kazutora staring at each other like the stars and lights were not in the sky but glittering the floor of
the roof surrounding them. Forever the brightest thing in the room, the open world, always
shining.

“The fireworks are slowing down.” He brought his eyes to the sky where the rest of the sky was
being lit up slower and slower as it seemed the fireworks were going flickering out. They might
have only been on the roof for around an hour but it’d felt so much shorter. They’d been in silence
for so long he hadn’t really noticed the time go by or the colors of the sky change. It was always
just not enough time for them. He could have stayed watching the sky for as long as possible if he
was allowed.

Chifuyu seemed amused by his surprise and lack of awareness surrounding the passage of time as
his smile broke with his laugh. “They can’t go all night you know.” He wished they might, it
meant they would get to stay up on the roof for longer. Chifuyu could see the clear
disappointment on his face at his words. “We can stay though, there’s no rule that says the
fireworks have to mean the night is over.” He was easily malleable at his soft words, he knew
that. It wouldn’t stop him from being cheered up by the simplest of gestures. He’d stay however
cold he was on the roof, cold as ever, just as long as Kazutora was looking stupidly happy over it.

Sometimes he thought his simple enjoyment might push Chifuyu’s buttons and have him annoyed
at the frequency of it all. He never was annoyed though, he was only ever just as joyous of
Kazutora’s smile and kind and lovely and deserving of more than just smiles. “Thank you, for
freezing on the roof with me.” His silent ‘don’t mention it’ was unnecessary. They liked to leave
so many words unsaid between them, though there was no space left unfilled with their silent
messages and un-vocalized thoughts. Kazutora still never knew exactly what Chifuyu was thinking
as most all his actions were constant surprises for him but now, he knew what his eyes were saying
and what words he did not need to say. ‘I’d freeze on the roof with you anytime.’ So many words
he’d never say that Kazutora already knew were true.

Often it was Chifuyu’s actions that spoke the loudest followed by his short and blunt words. He
never said much when he might really ought to. It was the held hands, the books given, the
pictures hanged, the unasked for visits that told him all he needed to know. If it was ten years he
needed to be able to know the mind of Matsuno Chifuyu he’d gladly do it again. His continually
fascinating way with words and actions would always be at the top of Kazutora’s list of favorites.
He could name quite a few things he liked now the sun, the roof, drawing, the pet store, his
friends, Chifuyu, countless things about Chifuyu actually, writing, manga, romance and holding
hands. That last one was new on his list but it was definitely something he liked. It was a small
acceptable form of affection that he’d come to love.

“I always thought the sky was prettier at night.” The fireworks were gone and the stars were
beginning to be visible after the haze of their after affects had started to clear. Everything around
them was only lit by the will of the sky as the city went to sleep, it was always just them and the
sky. If anything had to be their ‘thing’ he was maybe glad it was that. To have something so
pretty and constant to come back to over and over, the sky never failed them. There was something
so wonderful about having something to rely on, it will always come. Chifuyu will always send
his letters to Kazutora, Kazutora will always fall completely desperately for Chifuyu, they will
both always find eachother in the end and the sky will always stay their shining whe they’re ready
to say what is necessary.
 Kazutora preferred the sun. Not out of need to contrast Chifuyu but under the idea that he’s fallen
in love with the warmth and longed for so long to be burned by something that great. The sun gave
everything, it gave light and life and heat and everything good in the world. His sun had done the
same. “The morning sky always felt more romantic to me, maybe it was all the colors it held… I
just like the sun.” That was all really, Kazutora after being inside for so long deprived of the
warmth the outside provided really just loved the sun. He enjoyed everything about it. Nothing
would ever be better than the sun in his eyes though, the moon rivaled it well.

“And the moon, what do you think of that?” He held honest sincerity in that question, no other
meaning, no hidden clue for him. Kazutora knew Chifuyu had said it innocently and with
complete curiosity though the longer he stayed silent he knew what he’d said. What else could be
thought of the moon other that this. So, there would always be just one correct response to that
question.

The moon above them was now newly visible after the lunar eclipse that had happened only days
earlier shone small and brightly and truly, it was just as beautiful as the sun. And at some point
during their night he thought that although it would just be the two of them on top of that roof and
that decades from now no one would likely remember it that that was okay. And for once
Kazutora had no need to write down that moment that they shared to give to someone else because
living in the present was fulfilling enough and he no longer felt the need to look ten years ahead.
So soft spoken, next to someone who’s hands he’d like to kiss, and who’s smile lit up his heart he
spoke all that was right and all that was right was, “Chifuyu, is the moon not grand tonight?”

Chapter End Notes

My dear readers, I will let you know that technically Letters to Kazutora can end right
here if you choose not to read the epilogue (chapter 25). Though, as I know most of
you might not do that I'm telling you it's not technically a separate chapter. If this is it
for you, I hope you've enjoyed the story. Thank you for reading.
 Chapter 35
Chapter Notes

The Epilogue.

See the end of the chapter for more notes

For September 16th, 2018

(March 17th, 2018)

Kazutora,

I am writing to you to fulfill my own wish this time. So, hear me out till the very end. Two years is
not enough time. I’m aware of the time, the eleven years, those nine years have not been
discounted and forgotten, though two years only having you next to me to see you in everything you
are… that’s not enough for me. Maybe ten years, twenty years might still not be enough to fulfill
what I’m wishing for. So, if you have it in you for me, I’ll ask for your time. I’ll ask for it again
and again, you and your time, your presence, anything. Is that too bold of me to ask for in such a
large quantity? You did say everything to me once or twice or many times, do you mean it still?

Well, Happy Birthday Kazutora, you are an old man now, twenty eight. God, this sounds so
terrible, I am just hoping terribly that you will get this so you can tell me how stupid this sounds in
person. Please, tell me it sounds awful. I’ll be giving this to you today, when it’s done, I trust
you’ve opened it on the sixteenth. No, I’m sure that if you’re here you’ve waited to open it, that
you haven’t forgotten, you never seem to forget anything important. So, Happy Birthday, hopefully
I’ll be saying it in person.

Kazutora, if we’re together I’ll tell you it all. I’ll tell you every single thing you need to know
about what’s been going on for me these past twelve years. Not the pet shop, not Baji’s mother,
I’ll tell you all of it. We will sit down and you can know every terrible fear I’ve developed since
falling for you. They, so unnecessary but real in the back of my mind occasionally. I used to not be
so scared of the end till it was in front of me. Now, well now I think I wouldn’t like to lose anything
at all. So, if you do by chance get this though, then you and I will spend the day together today. I
will give you what I've been planning to give you for a while and we will drive around the city
together. We will drink warm drinks and fall asleep unceremoniously under the stars and celebrate
your birthday. I do hope you get this letter Kazutora. I hope I get to see you today.

This is everything I hope to say to you in person and yet you’re right, maybe courage can be a bit
hard to have or maybe I find myself overly emotional at the end. I do not wish to be so emotional,
but I am, I am greatly in need of tissues at the moment. You said before that you’d tell me every
great thing about myself and yet I could never fully do the same for you. I’ve been a bit shameful
in that but I’ll tell you something. You’ve compared me to the sun many times over the years and
yet I find you shine brighter in my eyes than my sun ever could. You’ve done it. You’ve truly gone
and burned my heart to the point that I feel as if I am melting at your very touch. It is not incorrect
to say I am infatuated by your eyes or your actions. We are only ever so soft as we are when with
each other I've found. I do not mind it, being soft by your hands, in fact I'd choose it over and over
if I had to.
You deserve to be held closer than most people and told more great things than I can think of. It’s
become you who has all of my words instead and I’ve found I so appreciate never having to say
things aloud when we’re together.

I once thought of myself as someone cool and sharp, I’d had this strong idea of myself as someone
who enforced rules and had no friends. I found no one worthy of me. It was such a stupid idea of
mine and I am slightly embarrassed of it now to have been like that. Though, I am different at this
moment in time, I don’t find myself to be cool and incredibly sharp, I do have friends and I’ve
become wishy washy on rules. And you are worthy of me, so much more than worthy of my time
and affection. If I am to have your everything you rightfully may have my everything too. So
please, take it if you will, ask for anything I can give you, I’ll give it to you.

Kazutora, I do not know how to say this. After two years with you by my side in everyday life I am
still continually impressed and glad to have you there. I find myself excited to see you every
morning. It is such a stupidly simple pleasure that I want to indulge in constantly. I’d love to see
your horrible knotted hair after you’ve slept in awkward positions all night. I’d like to brush it all
out again and have you lean your head back on my knees on the couch while I do so. We could
have tea in the morning and indulge in long talks on anything at all just to hear each other speak. I
want to be so sickeningly conventional with you that other people find themselves disgusted with us
for it all. I want to see you get embarrassed over stupid little things I say like you always do and
get flustered at anything that’s a compliment. If we can continue to be so awful and lovely I hope
we will.

There are still so many things we still have not done so please, don’t go changing our ending yet,
don’t do anything stupid. In the end, Mikey has made his choice and we both know it, you
understand as well as I do the kind of person he is. So please, don’t go off saving someone else,
not when I’m still right here. Everything can’t be your job Kazutora. Sometimes you have to
understand that people have a will and a conscience of their own. It’s not your job to fix him, to
save him, to help him. I don’t care what you say, it’s not your job. Dammit Kazutora, it’s not your
job. Everything can’t be on your shoulders. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fucking fault and
you’re going to come home to me because you promised. You fucking promised.

Your own happiness is not worth anyone else’s. Twelve years. You spent twelve years getting
here, working on yourself, falling in love with your life, so you can’t. You can’t just throw it all
away for someone you don’t even know now. In twelve years you’ve grown and so has he and you
know exactly how much someone can change in twelve years. Please. Please stay. I’m begging
you not to do something remarkably stupid and leave me alone to have us do it all again. I need to
see you a little while longer, Kazutora. I need you to be here with me till the end. Please don’t
speed it all up. I want to be selfish. Let me be selfish and ask for your time. Everything, I want
your everything. Stay.

I apologize, I think I smudged the ink. I’ve found tissues. I’m a complete mess right now it seems.
I just, I saw your face when you were looking at Takemitchi today, I know what you thought.
You’re so easy for me to read Kazutora. I understand what you want to do, why you feel so
obligated to do it. There are some actions better left as words on a page. I got so scared looking at
you then, I knew what you wanted to do. I can only hope you might not go through with it, that
you’ll think about it before you act. Your impulsivity does not need to fluctuate into an all time
high right now.

I just know how awful this is going to sound months from now if you’re here with me and our
future stays. I will beg you in person. I’m sure I’ve already begged you. I’m sure I’ve said so
 much that you’ve gotten sick of me by now. Maybe you won’t mind, I hope you won’t, I hope you
understand. I figure that if we can just get to this one great date then then, maybe then it’ll really
be over. Then, I can say everything in exact certainty that this is the continual end for us instead.
You will understand, I promise all my nonsense will make sense. I’ve just been keeping my own
promise for so long that I didn’t stop to think about how you’d react to it all. I was stupid. Let me
be stupid and stay anyways, will you?

It will be okay. Really, if you change our future it will be okay. We won’t be saying goodbye if it
changes, we will do it all again and I will see you again. You and I will not end here, Kazutora, we
couldn’t end if we tried but I promise, I’m trying to continue. In every future we will ever, have
ever had I will be trying for you. We will not part ways. For you and I we will never say goodbye.
I am hoping that by the time you get this there will still be only tomorrow for us. By the time this
reaches you we will still be side by side and there will be no other ending for us. We've spent half
of our lives getting here and although that sounds different in my mind. I've spent over half my life
with you Kazutora, and I expect it to continue.

If we have to do it again… I will. I send every single letter once more. 464. I will send all four
hundred and sixty-four letters again. I will do it as many times as it takes to see you again how I
am seeing you now. There is no way I imagine my life ending without you by my side. If we have
to try and save each other each and every time, I’ll do it. We will end well, I promise. I promise
I’ll be there with you till my last breath. It was always supposed to be as such.

You and I will always end up together, the time and place will not matter, and the way we find
each other may differ again and again but I promise I will find my way to you. I was meant to be
standing next to you at the end of my life as you were meant to be next to me, I'm sure of it. So
please, let's look at the stars a little longer, we have all the time in the world to find eachother
once more. It’s not goodbye Kazutora, I’ll see you later.

Yours till the end,

Chifuyu

Chapter End Notes

I was never a big fan of grandiose ends to fanfiction or books. I always find the
possible question and reassurance of the next thing to be much more fulfilling. So I
hope that by the end of this it's not grand, not even a little bit, I hope it is just
completely satisfactory. I find myself speaking shortly and awkwardly to you all but I
wrote this many times because what I wanted to say was thank you for reading this...
for reading all of this. It has been quite wonderful having so many people support me
in my writing of which I did not know any of you before this, so thank you. Anyways,
this is the bittersweet see you later I've promised and you may see me in anything else
I write.
As always,
Dorian (Blue)
Twitter (If you'd like it)
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