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 To My Grandfather, Fred.
Thank you for teaching me the importance of
forgiveness, letting go, and not holding grudges.
Your unconditional love and support are deeply
missed by those who knew you. However, your
forgiving heart lives on in your family.
CONTENTS

How to Use This Workbook on an Ebook Device

Introduction
How to Use This Book
Part I Understanding Forgiveness

One The Truth about Forgiveness

Two Your Forgiveness Journey
Part II The Stages of Forgiveness

Three Stage 1: Identification

Four Stage 2: Acknowledgment
Five Stage 3: Empathy
Six Stage 4: Self-Forgiveness
Seven Stage 5: Release
Eight Stage 6: Reflection
Nine The Journey Continues
Resources
References
Acknowledgments
About the Author
“As I walked out the door toward the
gate that would lead to my freedom, I
knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and
hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.”
—Nelson Mandela
How to Use This
Workbook on an
Ebook Device

If you’re reading this workbook on a touch-screen device, you can

add notes and highlight text just like you would in a physical
workbook.
Some sections will prompt you to write in answers or personal
responses. It’s easy—give it a try right here: ___________.
With your finger, tap and hold for a few moments on the line
above. Depending on the device you’re using, an icon such as a
magnifying glass will appear. Lift your finger and you’ll see an
options menu. Select “Note” (or “Notes”) to add and save your own
text. When you’re done, an icon or highlighted area will remain,
which you can always return to and tap if you want to reopen and
read or edit your note.
The same tap-and-hold options menu offers “Highlight” or “Color,”
which you can select if you want to highlight a passage or “check” a
box. Experiment with it: By swiping your finger before releasing you
can select entire sentences or paragraphs. The options menu also
offers “Bookmark” for when you want quick access back to certain
pages.
This method is the same on nearly all touch-screen ebook devices,
but some have slight variations. If you’d like more information
specific to the device you’re holding in your hands, a quick online
search will yield best results.
Introduction

No matter our origins, we are all emotional and

social beings seeking human connection, a need that is perhaps all
the more urgent when we’ve been wronged. Forgiveness, a concept
that has existed across cultural lines for centuries, is intended to
restore those severed connections, but the practice is by no means
easy. When we’ve been hurt by others, our initial reactions are often
fueled by anger, resentment, or vengeance. Eager to protect ourselves
from further harm, we justify these responses; we were the ones who
suffered, after all. But by using anger to create a shield of comfort, we
instead trap ourselves in a room of our own anxieties, denying
ourselves the true source of healing.
Having extensively studied the practice of forgiveness, I
understand the process and commitment of this journey all too well.
Both in my personal life and while working with clients, I’ve
encountered situations where a choice must be made between
forgiveness and holding on to the safety net of anger. Like my clients,
I often wondered, If I forgive too quickly, will this open me up to be
hurt again? By choosing forgiveness, am I telling this person that it
was okay for them to do what they did? Once I’ve decided to forgive,
will everything be forgotten as though it never happened?
Through years of research, study, and therapeutic work, I’ve found
satisfactory answers to all these questions and more. I’ve learned that
while true forgiveness doesn’t come easily, it doesn’t come with
anger, shame, resentment, or anxiety, either. Rather, it brings a sense
of peaceful acceptance and the liberating ability to let go of our pain.
People looking for a way to forgive someone who has wronged
them are also looking for a way to forgive themselves. They want to
let go of resentment, anger, or guilt and achieve a sense of peace, but
they don’t have a road map for how to get there. We can know
something is good for us, but it only leads to more confusion and
frustration if we have no idea how to obtain it in a practical, realistic
way.
I wrote this workbook to aid those of you who need a map, those
of you who have been dealing with deep-seated anger, resentment,
and shame around the idea of forgiving. Whether you’re looking to
forgive a person, a group of people, or even yourself—for the first time
or after many attempts—this book is for you. Regardless of where you
might be on your journey, I commend you for taking this step and
encourage you to work through this book honestly and thoughtfully.
Above all, I hope you can trust that better things await you on the
other side.

How to Use This Book

The Forgiveness Workbook is intended to provide you with strategies
and exercises that are useful, informative, and straightforward. I’ll
begin by introducing you to the importance of forgiveness. I’ll then
guide you through your personal journey of recognition, release, and
healing using the six stages of forgiveness. A chapter will address
each of those stages, helping you build a foundation of knowledge
before walking you through exercises and reflection questions to
help you put what you’ve learned into practice.
The goal is to equip you with accessible tools and strategies so
that you feel empowered by practicing forgiveness daily. I encourage
you to work through each exercise with an open mind, even those
that seem challenging or don’t resonate with you at first. It is only
when we push ourselves with awareness and honesty that we
discover things about ourselves that we might never have known
otherwise. Those discoveries are often the most meaningful.
PART I

Understanding
Forgiveness

I n part 1, we will explore why forgiveness is right for you, how it

gives you the freedom to be yourself, and how it heals you. When
engaging with your forgiveness process, it’s vital to know that you
forgive for yourself, not for the other person. Within this part, you will
learn why forgiveness is a challenging yet worthwhile journey. Once
you fully understand forgiveness and the role it can play in living a
more peaceful life, you will feel motivated to continue the process.
ONE
The Truth about
Forgiveness

T here comes a time in all of our lives when we need to face

forgiveness, whether by giving it to someone else or receiving it
in response to our mistakes. This chapter will explore what
forgiveness is and isn’t, what it means to truly forgive someone, and
why it matters. Together, let’s begin.

Fact about Forgiveness

Studies show that people who forgive aren’t just happier,
they’re healthier, too. When you think about a person who hurt
you or events you can’t forgive, your brain releases the stress
hormone cortisol. When your brain releases high levels of
cortisol regularly, it can also raise your blood cholesterol,
triglycerides, blood sugar, and blood pressure, increasing your
risk of developing heart disease.
What Is the Meaning of
Forgiveness?
First and foremost, forgiveness is a process, meaning that it takes
time and isn’t always easy. To forgive someone means making a
conscious effort to let go of something hurtful that happened to you
by releasing negative thought patterns, anger, resentment, or pain.
By engaging in this emotion-focused process, you are making an
active choice to no longer suffer from the harm that was done to you.
When we see forgiveness this way, it becomes clear that
forgiveness is also freedom. It is freedom both from the past and from
future victimization, because when you forgive the painful events of
your past, they no longer define or control your present. By taking
life’s pitfalls as opportunities to grow instead of places to dwell in
hopelessness, you are reclaiming your power. You are reclaiming
your life.

What Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean

I often encounter clients who associate forgiveness with weakness,
as if forgiving someone means letting your perpetrator off the hook or
signaling that you’re okay with what happened to you. This couldn’t
be further from the truth. To forgive doesn’t mean you haven’t been
hurt. It doesn’t mean you weren’t angry, and it certainly doesn’t mean
the event didn’t happen. When we forgive, it doesn’t mean we forget.
In fact, when we forgive, we no longer need to forget. Forgiveness
isn’t about erasing the past or trading it in for a better one; it’s owning
what happened to us and accepting it as part of our story.

Self-Forgiveness vs. Other Forgiveness

I have found that until we can be honest with ourselves and find self-
forgiveness, we can’t forgive others. The harder we are on ourselves,
the more critical and less understanding we will be of others. As
Iyanla Vanzant says in her book Forgiveness: 21 Days to Forgive
Everyone for Everything, “Regardless of how bad, wrong, or
unforgivable your behavior has been, you deserve to be and can be
forgiven.” Self-forgiveness is a critical part of your willingness to
forgive others and is an opening to live a more prosperous life with
deeper connections.

The Many Faces of Forgiveness

How you think about forgiveness depends on many factors, such as
your upbringing, the offense, and your perspective. Taking all of that
into account, think about what forgiveness means to you. When or
from whom did you first learn about forgiveness? How has that
memory affected the role it plays in your life? Write some of your
reflections in the space that follows.
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Why Is Forgiveness
Important?
If you were lied to, verbally attacked, abused, cheated on, or
drastically betrayed in some other form, it is completely natural to be
angry and upset. However, those residual emotions can affect your
relationships and other parts of your life. As the saying goes, hurt
people hurt people, and that is how patterns of abuse and pain pass
from generation to generation. Taking these patterns into account,
forgiveness is not just important but also vital.
Furthermore, anger takes up a lot of energy that could be better
used in other areas of our lives. When we hold on to anger, we give
our offenders control over our thoughts and emotions. Even though
the past is long gone, we remain there until we’re able to forgive and
let go. As a result, forgiveness not only helps us reclaim our sense of
power but also helps us move our lives forward.

Why Does Forgiveness Matter?

Forgiveness helps us calm down and provides us with new
perspective, clarity, and objectivity. For example, think of a time
when you were very angry about something. Was it hard to be
objective and transparent? Did you largely blame the other person or
exaggerate the events to justify your reactions?
When we’re upset, our judgment tends to become clouded or
inaccurate. This is not to say that you don’t have any right to your
feelings. You certainly do. However, by forgiving yourself and the
other party, you can make sure that your perception of the situation is
more balanced. Cultivating forgiveness will allow you to clear your
mind and view the problem from a more objective position.
In addition, finding a way to forgive will allow you to become a
more compassionate person. Most people have demons, triggers, and
issues they are dealing with and don’t intend to hurt others. While
that doesn’t excuse their actions, when you’re able to see people in
their own context, you’re better able to understand their reasoning
and take the offenses less personally.

Is It Possible to Forgive Everyone and

Everything?
Suppose we could recognize that forgiveness is not about validating
the harmful action but about helping the victim find peace. Through
that viewpoint, we can understand how it’s possible to forgive
everyone and everything.
I’ve learned in my practice that forgiveness has less to do with the
action itself and more to do with the client’s perspective. I have seen
some people who have been unwilling to forgive small grievances
and others who have forgiven what some might consider
unthinkable. No matter the specifics, I tread lightly in all forgiveness
cases. I never assume how deep the wound goes based on the offense
and never minimize someone’s personal experience or push for a
particular outcome. The same applies to you and your process of
forgiveness. Remember only to forgive because you want to, not
because you think you have to. Nobody except you can make that
decision.

The Many Benefits of

Forgiveness
Because forgiveness is a challenging process to go through, it’s
useful to keep in mind the positive results that can come about once
you are able to forgive. Studies show that naturally forgiving people
tend to be more satisfied with their lives and experience less
depression, anxiety, and stress. The following are some other benefits
you can expect to see when practicing forgiveness.

Less Anger and Resentment

Holding on to anger and resentment won’t fix anything in your life. If
anything, it will have a negative impact on your physical and
emotional health. Deciding to forgive is a decision to live a healthier
life, free of brewing anger and resentment. When you’re tied up with
those negative feelings, they can control your life and actions.
Releasing that negativity will allow you to create a more fulfilling life.

Less Guilt and Shame

Many of us have been taught by our families and caretakers to be
ashamed of how we feel. We might even be ruled by what others
think of us. However, if we find a way to forgive, we can live with less
shame and guilt about what we believe, how we feel, and maybe even
how others perceive us.

Healthier Relationships
When we don’t forgive, we hold on to past hurt, which has a way of
negatively affecting our current relationships. If we can find a way to
forgive, we can improve our ability to express ourselves and create
intimacy with our loved ones. This leads to healthier relationships
that can thrive in the face of conflict.

More Resilience
As you release anger, resentment, guilt, and shame, you’ll begin to get
in touch with your vulnerability. Feeling this way can allow you to
have compassion, and sometimes even empathy, for the person who
wronged you. Contrary to popular belief, this vulnerability isn’t a
weakness; it’s a gateway to resilience and strength. When you are
aware that you can overcome pain and disappointment, you become
more resilient in the face of life’s many difficulties.

Stronger Sense of Self

Without forgiveness, it’s almost impossible to have a strong sense of
self. You can’t be clear about who you are when resentments and
anger weigh you down. People struggling with forgiveness tend to
make decisions based on anger, fear, and vindictiveness instead of
compassion and love. But when you say goodbye to anger, you can
finally say hello to yourself. You’re making room to create a more
defined sense of who you want to be.

Setting Your Forgiveness Goals

Deciding to forgive is no easy task. The first step is to become aware
of the fact that you want to forgive. Then, it’s about reflecting on the
reasons. Use this section to ask yourself the following questions.

Why is this journey important to you?

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What would you like to get from taking the time to work on
forgiveness?
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How has refusing to forgive affected you, both mentally and

physically?
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Write the name of the person, group of people, or incident that hurt
you in the space that follows. Then, answer the prompt.
If you could forgive ____________, what difference would you
hope for it to make in your life?
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Why Forgiveness Is So
Hard and What You Can
Do about It
You’re not a bad person if you’re finding it difficult to forgive
someone; you’re human. As human beings, we’re pre-programmed to
avoid danger or anyone who has proven to be untrustworthy.
Therefore, thinking about forgiving someone who harmed us goes
against our very instincts. More often than not, it is wise to listen to
your instincts. But if they’re keeping you trapped in a place that
doesn’t allow you to move past the wrongdoings of others, it’s time to
make the tough decision to forgive. The following are three ways to
help you move past your instinct to avoid forgiveness.

Admit the Challenges to Yourself

From early childhood, many of us grew up with fairy tales that show
people with seamless relationships resolving conflict perfectly, as if
relationships don’t carry the realities of disappointment,
disagreement, or pain. When we expect our lives to resemble those
unrealistic outcomes, we don’t equip ourselves with the proper tools
to deal with conflict effectively. Afraid of being wrong or unable to
see a clear resolution, we cut people out instead of trying to resolve
issues. This is especially true if we already feel betrayed, as facing our
problems simply adds another layer of anxiety. However, it’s
important to be honest with yourself about the challenges you will
face to move past the dispute. Knowing that the challenge lies not
only in the betrayal but also in the anxiety it creates is key.

Release the Heavy Burden

As the influential teacher Ajahn Chah explained in his book Food for
the Heart, when we choose not to follow the path of letting go, it is
like deciding to carry a heavy rock around with us, weighing
ourselves down. We don’t know what to do with the rock, so we keep
carrying it around. Even if others explain to us the benefit of throwing
away the rock, we’re still afraid to let it go. We’ve been carrying it for
so long that it’s become a part of us, and we continue to carry it until
we get so weak and tired that we have no choice but to let it go. It’s
only then that we can finally feel at peace and recognize how
physically and mentally heavy that burden was. Letting go of
negative feelings and pain invites peace and the release of
unresolved conflict.

Know It Takes Courage

I once thought that I had to show courage and strength by holding
grudges and removing people who offended or betrayed me from my
life. However, the real power comes from listening to your pain,
finding ways to manage during those times, and noticing your
anxiety without suppressing it, avoiding it, or passing it on to
someone else. It means summoning the strength to say, “I am hurt
and not sure what to do, but I want to find a way to forgive.” Real
courage is knowing that forgiveness will be hard but finding a way to
do it anyway.

The Unwillingness to
Forgive
When we suffer from a significant loss or betrayal, forgiving might
seem like the last thing on our minds. How can we be willing to
forgive when the offender doesn’t seem remotely sorry or apologetic?
Forgiveness takes an active effort and shouldn’t degrade or minimize
the effects the person and their actions have had on you. There’s no
timeline on forgiveness; you can get started whenever you’re ready.
Forgiving is challenging, primarily when the burden of healing lies
solely on your shoulders. At times, it might not seem fair that you
have to do all the work. However, being unwilling to forgive, as
understandable as that may be, has a few adverse effects on our own
lives.

Negative Effects on Your Relationships with

Others
When we are unwilling to forgive, we carry around unresolved
emotions. This is especially true if our unwillingness to forgive
regards an important figure in our lives, like a parent, grandparent,
sibling, or close friend. If we don’t find a way to forgive and resolve
the conflict, we will carry those unresolved emotions into our other
relationships. We will also be more likely to attract people who can
easily trigger us and bring up old wounds. If you can’t forgive your
critical father, for example, and work on the feelings that criticism
brings up for you, then you will be more sensitive and reactive to
others’ perceived negative comments. When you hold on to grudges,
resentment, and anger, your willingness to love and be loved will be
stunted. If you cannot forgive, you’ll have trouble being open, loving,
and forgiving in future relationships.

Negative Effects on Your Relationship with

Yourself
If you feel hurt, betrayed, angry, or grief-struck, it’s hard to take care
of yourself. When your energy is focused outside of yourself, it leaves
a prominent blind spot in the self-care department. You might not
even take care of yourself until “justice” is served and you are
avenged. Or you may be so stuck in the past that you forget to remain
in the present. Either way, all of that misdirected focus leaves a
significant gap in your relationship with yourself. When there’s an
unwillingness to forgive, there is an unwillingness to heal, which
prevents you from nourishing your most important relationship: the
one you have with yourself.

Negative Effects on Mental and Physical Health

Several research studies have found a correlation between
unforgiveness and issues related to mental and physical health. One
study found that 61 percent of cancer patients have problems with
forgiving. Individuals who are quick to get angry are more likely to
have issues with forgiveness, as well. People who suffer from low self-
esteem and negative self-worth don’t readily accept themselves and
their mistakes, leaving less room for them to forgive others.
Unwillingness to forgive your own mistakes can lead to an increase
in depression symptoms and negative emotions. Perpetually
thinking of past hurt increases the risk of anxiety and sleep troubles.
Studies also show that an unwillingness to forgive contributes to
high blood pressure, heart disease, and chronic stress.
As you can see, you might be creating more anguish for yourself
by holding on to your anger. Just remember that you have no control
over what other people do. You only have control over how you
choose to respond to it.

How to Make Forgiveness

a Priority
One of my clients, Mary, came to see me when she decided to start
speaking with her father again. After being estranged from him for
several years, she’d heard from her brother that their father, a lifelong
alcoholic, had been sober for two years and wanted to reach out to
her. She knew that if she wanted a relationship with her father, she
would have to forgive him first.
Once you decide that you want to forgive, it’s helpful to make it a
priority, like Mary chose to do. In her case, she found a way to forgive
by connecting closely with her past, recognizing the effects that her
father’s drinking had on her, learning about his trauma, and
understanding their family’s history of alcoholism. By taking small
steps toward reconciliation, Mary learned that there are many
challenges along the way. Most important, she understood the
importance of making forgiveness a priority.

Letting Go Doesn’t Happen Immediately

Healing is a process that can’t be rushed; it’s a long-distance run, not
a sprint. It takes time to recognize you’ve been avoiding big emotions
instead of moving through them. Many of us have our own feelings to
face around the person or people who hurt us. We must understand
the impact the offense has on us before we can truly forgive. For
example, Mary confronted the fear, loneliness, and shame she
experienced as a child and witnessed how it impacted her current
inability to commit to a relationship. She took it upon herself to
understand her father in his context. When Mary understood the
neglect and abuse her father faced as a young child, she was able to
see her father less as a villain and more as someone who was
wounded. Like Mary, when you go through the lengthy process of
understanding your offender and the depth of the pain they’ve
caused you, then you will be able to let go.

The Challenges You May Face on the Journey

You may face many obstacles on your journey to forgiveness. For
example, Mary’s anxiety increased when we discussed her negative
childhood experiences, causing her to feel uneasy when working
through the difficult emotions she had been trying so hard to avoid.
Many of us get uncomfortable and anxious when taking a closer look
at what makes us sad. However, when we run from our past hurt, we
are more likely to partake in a life that doesn’t make us happy. Mary
found that she didn’t have many friends, worked too much, and was
disconnected from most of her family members. She realized that if
she wanted to change her life for the better, she would have to learn
to forgive her father, no matter how difficult the growing pains might
be. When you face challenges throughout this workbook, it’s
essential to stay the course and realize it is an active part of the
process.

My Willingness to Forgive
The following checklist will offer insight into how willing you are to
forgive someone who has wronged you. Think about the person you
are trying to forgive and respond honestly by checking off the
thoughts you’ve had.

☐ I will make sure that person faces consequences for what was
done to me.

☐ I will avoid that person at all costs.

☐ I wish bad things upon that person.

☐ I wish and act like that person didn’t exist.

☐ I will never trust that person again.

☐ I think that person should feel the same pain I feel.

☐ I will never be kind to that person again.

☐ I do not want to see that person.

☐ I often think about how I can get even.

☐ I am relieved that I cut that person out of my life.

 ☐ I would like to see that person live an unhappy life.

Scoring Your Answers

To find out your willingness to forgive, tally your points by
counting the number of checked boxes. Then, read the section that
corresponds with your score.
Between 6 and 11: If your score falls in this range, you’re finding
it very hard to forgive. You are more concerned with revenge and
seeing the other person pay for what they did than finding a way to
forgive them. It would be best if you addressed this by paying
particular attention to the empathy exercises in chapter 5 and
reaching out to a therapist or trustworthy friend who can give an
objective and listening ear.
Between 1 and 5: If your score falls in this range, you’re open to
forgiveness but still having a tough time practicing it. You’re almost
there. By working on the exercises in this book, you’ll be able to find
forgiveness.

Your Journey to
Forgiveness
As we’ve learned throughout this chapter, forgiveness is difficult and
painful and can mean looking back at hurtful experiences to let go
and find peace. More than anything else, forgiveness is a journey, not
a one-time destination. Your journey is personal to you; there is no
right or wrong way to go about it. I will be with you every step of the
way, empathizing, reassuring, and helping you find personal
freedom.

Mindful Journaling
This exercise will help you feel the weight of what you have been
carrying around with you.

Find a quiet and comfortable space. Close your eyes and follow
your breathing. Visualize the weight that not forgiving has had on
you emotionally and physically. Think about how heavy it has been
to carry. Picture your heaviness as a rock. Then, think about how
much space this rock has taken up in your life. Picture yourself
letting go of the rock, dropping it onto the sand of your favorite
beach. Imagine how much lighter you feel.

Afterward, reflect on your meditation by answering the following

questions.

What did you notice about carrying the rock? What did it feel like?
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How useful was it for you to let go of the rock? What do you feel
now that you’ve let it go?
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Chapter Takeaways
This chapter covered why forgiveness is essential, the many benefits
of forgiveness, and why it is difficult to forgive. Here, you learned the
following:
 → Forgiveness is good for your mental and physical health.

→ Forgiveness frees you from the offender, the past, and future pain.

→ Forgiveness heals you.

→ Forgiveness is for you, not the other person.

→ Forgiveness is a challenging but beautiful journey.

In the next chapter, we’ll explore how you can emotionally

prepare for your forgiveness journey and learn some practical tips.
We’ll break down the six stages of forgiveness to provide you with a
clear road map of what you can expect.
TWO
Your Forgiveness
Journey

N o two people experience the process of forgiving in the same

way. This chapter will cover how you can prepare for your
journey and will give you some helpful tools to get through it. I’ll
summarize the six stages of forgiveness at the end of this chapter and
provide an exercise that will assess if you’re ready to forgive. How to
emotionally prepare for and work through the stages has been
written out for you. How you experience the process, however, will be
unique.

It’s About the Journey, Not the Goal

The forgiveness journey you are on, although it may not have a
concrete destination, is about fostering a frame of mind and an
awareness of self that you create along the way.
Emotional Preparation
We have established that many aspects of your life, health, and
relationships will be positively impacted by forgiveness. Perhaps you
feel ready to forgive but aren’t sure how to get there. Before we jump
right in, it’s important to prepare for the journey by thinking about
some key questions.

Are You Ready to Evaluate the Past?

In my work with clients, I always begin by evaluating their past,
including their family history and upbringing. Without
understanding who they are and what makes them tick, it’s much
more challenging to dig into those unresolved issues, hurt feelings,
and painful emotions. You carry them with you in the decisions you
make, the people you connect with, and how you manage conflict in
your present. Feelings don’t go away because you ignore them; they
hide and come to the surface when you’re anxious, faced with a
conflict, or have a big decision to make. This is why you have to look
into your past to move on. To do anything else without that deeper
look is only treating the symptoms, not the root, of the problem.

Are You Ready to Deal with the Truth?

To heal yourself and mend what is broken, you have to face the truth.
You have to deal with the emotions that come with your heart being
broken, being disappointed, feeling let down, or being made to feel
like relationships and love aren’t safe. You must validate your real
experience of the events before you can move past them. The truth is
that some experiences are not so great; they can feel horrible,
confusing, and unfair. No amount of positivity, optimism, and upbeat
self-talk will take that away. Until we validate what is, we can never
let go and forgive. Until we deal with the truth, we will never be truly
free.
Are You Ready to Move Forward?
Ask yourself, Am I ready to move forward? Am I clear about what that
means? I say this because we all want to feel healthy and energetic,
but we don’t always want to do the hard work to be healthier. This is
not a judgment. I understand it’s not easy to take care of ourselves,
especially with busy lives. Nor is it easy to move in the right direction
when it brings growing pains. But true healing isn’t stress-free. If
you’re ready to heal and move your life forward, then let’s get to work.

How to Prepare for the

Journey
So you’ve decided you’re ready. Congratulations! I appreciate how
difficult it must be for you. To help you prepare for your journey, here
are a few key principles you can teach yourself.

Be Honest
Forgiveness includes acknowledging that you are hurt, accepting the
pain as your own, and being honest with yourself about the effect the
offense has had on you. Forgiveness happens by being honest about
what it was like for you to be betrayed, lied to, offended, mistreated,
or abused. Forgiveness does not excuse others’ misbehavior. It
doesn’t make it okay that you were hurt, and it certainly does not
mean that you have forgotten the offense. Instead, practice
acknowledging it as part of your history so that you can move
forward.

Be Vulnerable
It takes a huge amount of vulnerability and strength to forgive. It also
takes self-awareness to acknowledge that someone has negatively
impacted us. By looking at ourselves and our wounded relationships
with openness, we can appreciate the vulnerabilities that come with
being human.

Be Humble
Being humble means having the awareness that you are no better
than anyone else. Especially with matters of forgiveness, it’s essential
to remain humble. Humble people give lovingly (including their
forgiveness) without any expectations from others attached. To reach
that level of forgiveness, one must practice humility and remain open
to positive outcomes.

Checking In with My Barriers

While you’re preparing for your journey of forgiveness, barriers are
likely to pop up. After all, it’s hard to confront difficult emotions, but
it’s important to check in with your obstacles before moving forward.
Even at times when you’re uncertain or feel stuck, it’s okay to take a
moment to recharge your batteries. Together, let’s explore some
possible barriers you might encounter during your journey. Highlight
or circle what applies to you, and feel free to add some of your own in
the blank spaces.
1. I feel very uncomfortable when I am vulnerable.

2. I don’t like to think about the person or event that hurt me.

3. I don’t think I can completely forgive.

4. I don’t believe I will ever be able to think about what happened

without getting emotional.

5. I am not comfortable with my emotions.

6. _______________________________________

7. _______________________________________
 8. _______________________________________

9. _______________________________________

10. _______________________________________

If you’d like to explore some of those barriers more deeply, reflect

on them in the space that follows.
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Keep your barriers in mind as you go through the exercises in this

book so that you can work on them.

Your Forgiveness
Toolbox
It is useful to see a therapist to have someone listen to you and help
formulate a plan to find forgiveness. However, workbooks can act as
an alternative for people who aren’t able to commit to therapy due to
time or financial constraints. Let’s explore some of the different
modalities of treatment that are helpful when forgiving.

Forgiveness Therapy
As we’ve explored, forgiveness is not only for the benefit of the person
or people who hurt you; it’s primarily about healing yourself. When
living with unresolved issues, you might spend a lot of energy
thinking about the negatives in life. You might get overly upset, have
flashbacks, and repeat memories of the past that will affect you now.
This workbook uses forgiveness therapy to help you move on from
that anger and pain. We do this by working through the roles that
forgiveness plays in the process of healing.

Positive Psychology
Positive psychology is centered on encouraging a beneficial and
flourishing life. There is no single definition of living a “good” life.
However, positive psychologists believe it’s essential to live in a way
that’s engaging, happy, and meaningful. By identifying and focusing
on your strengths, you can create genuine happiness and
gratification in whatever ways are most organic and real to you.
Positive psychology has brought widespread attention to the benefits
of forgiveness and nurturing a more forgiving attitude.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a form of treatment to change
unhelpful emotions, behaviors, and thoughts by exploring and
consciously modifying negative or irrational beliefs. CBT revolves
around the understanding that thoughts and perceptions influence
our behaviors. For example, feelings of distress may impact a
person’s perception of reality. CBT teaches the individual to
recognize harmful thoughts, determine if they accurately represent
reality, and use different coping mechanisms if they don’t. From a
CBT-based perspective, forgiveness includes understanding which
thoughts are causing your current distress. It’s not only about the
offense or your pain; it’s also about your reaction to it.

Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Behavioral

Therapy (MBCT)
Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) was created to assist
individuals who experience frequent episodes of depression and
unhappiness. It merges CBT with meditative practices and the
cultivation of mindfulness, or being deeply aware of the present
moment without analysis or judgment. When working on
forgiveness, it’s about becoming aware of your negative thought
process and learning to develop a more beneficial relationship with
your thoughts.

Bowen Family Systems Theory

Bowen Family Systems Theory considers human behavior by seeing
all individuals through the context of their family and relationships.
The theory posits that emotional behaviors within a family unit are
connected, meaning that the emotions of one person can affect
everyone else within that unit. Systems thinking describes the
complexity of being human in relationships. Our family members are
naturally profoundly connected. People who find it difficult to forgive
are often distant or disconnected from their families. Family
members affect each other’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. This
makes it challenging to lead free lives when there are unresolved
issues. When one person decides to forgive and make changes, it
helps the entire family follow suit.

Reflecting on Forgiveness
Let’s take a moment to honor your efforts in this process of
forgiveness. These questions will help you understand your capacity
for forgiveness and how it reflects on you as an individual.

Who would not be surprised by your openness to making changes

toward forgiveness, and why?
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What does it say about you that you are willing to put in the work to
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What to Expect Ahead

Together, let’s break down the stages of forgiveness so that you can
gain some insight into what you can expect ahead. When reading the
summary of each stage, be mindful of how you could apply it to your
unique situation.

Stage 1: Identification
Identification is the process of recognizing the source of your pain
and anger. To embark on this journey of forgiveness, it’s necessary to
first work through the process of identifying your problem. This stage
includes identifying who hurt you, how they hurt you, and why you
are hurt.

Stage 2: Acknowledgment
The acknowledgment process means understanding what your pain
looks like in order to address it. Every person’s problems manifest
differently. In the acknowledgment stage, you will be asked to come
to terms with what you have been carrying with you and how it
expresses itself in your life. Emotional pain can manifest in many
ways, including as anger, anxiety, depression, loss of trust, and low
self-worth.

Stage 3: Empathy
Learning how to develop empathy toward yourself and others is
essential when it comes to forgiveness. A central aspect of
forgiveness is the ability to extend compassion and empathy toward
the person who has wronged you. In this stage, you will learn how to
look at the offender in a different light to understand their actions
and practice forgiveness.

Stage 4: Self-Forgiveness
Learning how to forgive yourself can’t be overlooked. All forgiveness
starts by looking inward before you can genuinely practice forgiving
others. Here, we discuss the need to recognize that you did nothing
wrong. Once you forgive yourself, you will have the capacity to
forgive others who have hurt you. You will learn that you didn’t
deserve to be hurt and that it’s not your fault.

Stage 5: Release
In the fifth stage, you will learn how to let go of anger and
resentment. Once you are aware of the source of your pain and anger,
you will begin to work through the process of how to let go of
perhaps deep-seated resentment, anger, and pain. This doesn’t mean
simultaneously releasing everything. This, too, is a process. You will
soften the pain gradually. Release what you can and do not force
yourself to do more than that. As you feel your anger and resentment
ease and ebb, it may motivate you to continue on the journey of
forgiveness. You will slowly develop self-awareness, let the pain go,
reframe the situation, and reclaim your power.

Stage 6: Reflection
The final stage is reflection. We will discuss the power of forgiveness
and its role in your personal growth. We’ll also explore how
practicing empathy toward yourself and others is one of the most
powerful ways to invest in your personal development. This final
stage will provide an important opportunity to reflect on your growth
during this journey.

Am I Ready to Forgive?
Determine whether the following statements describe your
experiences. Circle either True or False for each question.

STATEMENT

1. Thinking about forgiving makes me feel anxious and distressed.

True / False

2. I think about revenge more than about finding peace.

True / False

3. I have had issues with forgiving people my entire life. True /

False

4. I tend to hold grudges that can last more than six months. True /
False

5. I avoid certain people, places, and situations because my

offender may be there. True / False

6. My anger gets in the way of my work, schooling, and

relationships. True / False

7. I tend to exaggerate the events and offense. True / False

8. I experience a sense of panic when thinking of what happened.

True / False
 9. It is tough for me to trust people and feel safe. True / False

10. Close family and friends think I hold grudges for too long. True
/ False

11. I tend to be overly pessimistic about relationships in general.

True / False

12. I often think the worst of people. True / False

As you work through this book, think about ways in which you
can be more open to forgiveness, but know that it’s typical to find
forgiveness challenging. Every experience is unique.

Chapter Takeaways
In this chapter, we covered some of the most important foundational
elements of forgiveness, including preparing ourselves for
forgiveness, defining its distinct stages, and delving into the
therapeutic techniques that will support our journey. You discovered
the following:

→ No two people experience the process of forgiveness in the same

way.

→ Even though forgiveness is an emotional process, it’s always

beneficial to be adequately prepared to forgive.

→ Evidence-based treatments have influenced the six stages of

forgiveness.

→ Working through the six stages of forgiveness will bring about

personal growth.

In the next chapter, we’ll go through the process of identifying the

source of your pain. For now, reflect on where you currently are on
your forgiveness journey.
When you complete this workbook, what would you like to be able
to do differently?
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How will you know that you have forgiven? What might be the first
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PART II

The Stages of
Forgiveness

I n part 2, we’ll delve into the different stages of forgiveness. They

can be broken down as identification, acknowledgment, empathy,
self-forgiveness, release, and reflection. These stages allow you to
break up the forgiveness process into digestible sections that are part
of a larger, comprehensive healing process. Each stage leads
seamlessly to the next, and each has its own purpose and
significance as you travel toward your forgiveness destination.
THREE
Stage 1:
Identification

T his chapter will cover the process of identifying the source of

your pain so that you can move toward forgiveness. You might
think that you’re already clear about what is hurtful to you, or you
may have no clue why you’re upset. Either way, this chapter will help
you fully get to the root of it. Through helpful exercises, prompts, and
practices, you’ll be able to identify the variables that contribute to
your grievances.

The Importance of Being Honest with Yourself

A critical aspect of forgiveness is identifying that something
unfair occurred and being honest with yourself that it
happened. Sit with that knowledge and let yourself process it.
Once we fully accept that the hurtful event occurred, we can
move toward forgiveness.
Get to the Root of It
As difficult as it may be, I encourage you to work through the process
of identifying and expressing your pain without self-judgment. It’s
important to know our experiences and express our natural feelings
about them, especially when someone emotionally triggers us. With
that knowledge, we can assess how we think about the situation, sort
out the facts, and decide if we genuinely want to forgive.
When we don’t examine the roots of our feelings, we instead reach
for unhelpful yet pacifying ways to soothe ourselves in the present.
Denying those feelings can manifest in other ways, like being overly
anxious, overeating, becoming easily agitated, drinking too much,
always being busy, and overspending. By identifying the source of
our pain, we can look at the truth head-on and deal with what we
need to deal with.
By being open to our emotions, we also have the opportunity to
evaluate what we are upset about and who we are upset with. When
my clients first come to see me, they often have no idea how their
presenting problems are connected to everything else in their lives.
One client might not realize how her frustration with her partner’s
inability to take initiative is connected to her father’s lack of
involvement in her life. Another might not know how her annoyance
with her daughter’s stubbornness is fueled by her harsh, combative
relationship with her own mother. Our degree of sensitivity and
unwillingness to forgive is deeply rooted in an unhealed past that
follows us until its unfinished business is resolved. If we don’t
identify and heal our wounds, we are more likely to repeat the past
that hurts us in our present relationships. That is why it is essential to
identify who hurt you and how they did so. Until we do that
necessary investigation, the source of our real pain often will remain
muddled and unclear.

Explore Your Inner Experience

When you practice observing yourself, you become more attuned to
understanding your thoughts, actions, and experiences from a
nonjudgmental perspective. We learn why we do the things we do,
how we interact with others, and what our emotional triggers are.
Once we are self-aware, we can decide what we are willing to do to
make meaningful changes to our lives.

Take Care of Yourself

As the saying goes, Things get worse before they get better. If
you find you aren’t feeling so great, please remember to take
care of yourself.
Practice self-care by being observant, mindful, and open to
replacing unhealthy habits with more beneficial ones, like
making plans with good friends and family when you notice
you’re isolating yourself too much, exercising in ways that work
best for you, finding time to relax, eating nutritious foods that
fuel you, and partaking in hobbies you enjoy.
When working through the identification part of your
forgiveness process, do not forget to find ways, no matter how
small, to take care of yourself. Ask yourself, What activities
make me feel alive? What motivates me and gives me energy?
Try to do something that brings you joy in your daily life.

Shift your focus to yourself and explore your inner experience.

Think about the person and situation you want to forgive. What
comes up for you?
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Emotionally Validating Yourself

We live with ourselves every day, but how well do we really know
ourselves? Do we understand what drives us? What upsets us? Why
aren’t we eager to let go and forgive? Meditation practices are
valuable because they can help us relax and take the time to check in
with ourselves.

The following steps will allow you to get intimate with your feelings
while validating yourself and your experiences.

→ Sit in a comfortable and private space. Note your surroundings.

→ Breathe deeply in through your nose and out through your

mouth.

→ When you return to thinking about the person and event or

events that hurt you, gently notice what feelings arise for you.
Stay with these emotions; take note of them. Express to yourself
how you genuinely feel about what happened, remembering that
all your feelings are allowed.

→ Use your compassionate voice to validate your experience; let

yourself know it’s okay to feel the way that you do. Think about
when you had those emotions in the past with close family
members. Was it safe to have those feelings? Remind yourself
that whatever comes up for you is safe now.

→ When you have heard and accepted your emotions as they are,
 take some time to breathe deeply. Rest, and then, when you are
ready, you may leave your comfortable and private space.

To process what you meditated about, it is helpful to write down

what comes up for you. Many of my clients discover that they’re
holding on to feelings of grief. At first, that realization can be very
uncomfortable and even alarming for some. However, when we
practice observing ourselves and being present with our
experiences, we start to see everything we’ve been avoiding.

For this exercise, journal freely, focusing on everything you are

grieving. Use whatever words you can to describe your sense of
grief. Name your emotions and write about who you blame for
causing them. This will help you identify how you truly feel and
whom you hold responsible for those feelings.
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Becoming Emotionally Aware

Take a moment to think about how your parents or caregivers
responded to you when you were emotional as a child. Did they allow
you to be upset? Did they tell you that it was no big deal, or did they
push you to stop crying?

Take this time to write about what you remember. It’s okay if you
can’t remember everything. Just write what you can. Later, ask a
trusted family member or friend about how they remember
emotions being handled early in your life. This will help you recall
forgotten memories in addition to generating useful conversations
with your loved one.
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Understanding How You See Your Emotions

In the following table, read each statement and put a check mark
next to the agreement level that best describes it. Try to base your
answer on what you have learned about your inner experience rather
than how you think you should answer.

STRONGLY STRONGLY
BELIEF STATEMENT DISAGREE AGREE
DISAGREE AGREE
I find it very hard to
tolerate my feelings.
It is important to
control my emotions
as much as I can.
I try to get over my
feelings as quickly as
possible.
I avoid situations and
people who may
provoke emotions in
me.
I am concerned about
the possible health
effects of holding in
my emotions.
It is important to me
that I control how I feel.
It is crucial that others
don’t know how I feel.
I get physical
symptoms from
repressing my
emotions.
If I don’t learn how to
process how I feel in a
better way, I might
become depressed.
It is hard for me to
function when I am
emotional.
Feelings create anxiety
in my life.
I try to resolve
problems as quickly as
possible so that I don’t
have to deal with my
emotions.

If you agree with most of these statements, it is likely difficult for

you to allow your feelings to flow naturally. As you move through this
workbook, pay special attention to the exercises that will help you get
in touch with your emotions.
A Moment to Reflect
By now you might have identified the person, people, or events that
hurt you. You also might be more aware of how you feel about those
people and events. However, you may not be clear on why you are so
upset.
We respond to our emotions and the pain inflicted on us in the
ways that our family of origin taught us. For example, if your parent
or caregiver avoided their thoughts, feelings, and pain, it’s likely that
you learned to do the same. But as we know, avoiding the problem
doesn’t help us heal; it only contributes to our feelings of
helplessness, rage, anger, and anxiety.

Take a moment to reflect on what you have not faced yet in your
forgiveness process.

Are you scared to identify the person who hurt you? If yes, explain
why you feel this way.
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Are you clear about how they hurt you?

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Do you know why you feel hurt or offended?
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Checking In with Your Doubt

If you doubt your readiness to forgive, it’s okay to take a break and
discuss those doubts with a therapist, trusted friend, or family
member. It also helps to talk to someone who found a way to forgive
someone who deeply hurt them. You might ask them, “How were you
able to forgive?”

After discussing your doubts, write about your lingering doubts in

the space that follows.
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Observing Your Life

Think about what you have noticed while observing your inner
experience, identifying who you are upset with, and examining how
you feel about it. Assess your observations in a helpful way by
looking at the situation like a researcher would, with judgment-free
curiosity. With that mindset, answer the following questions.

How has this hurtful experience affected you emotionally and

physically?
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How have your feelings about what happened affected your other
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List four automatic emotional or physical reactions that you

experience when thinking about who and what hurt you. (For
example, do you get anxious? Do you experience a headache and
neck pain? Do you feel nauseated?)
1. _______________________________________

2. _______________________________________

3. _______________________________________

4. _______________________________________

It’s helpful to keep these reactions in mind as you move forward

because they often serve as signals that there’s something in your life
you should examine more closely. These automatic reactions can
also be useful reminders to slow down and implement your self-care
strategies.

Making Space for Feelings and Facts

When we’re overly emotional, we tend to lose sight of the facts. While
it’s essential to identify how we feel about a person or a situation, it’s
just as important to hold on to the facts and ensure that our feelings
aren’t causing us to exaggerate, make assumptions, or blow a
situation out of proportion. We can do this by sticking to the facts of
the events, not assuming other people’s intentions, and asking
questions when we don’t know something.
The following checklist is designed to evaluate how often you let
your feelings overtake the facts during difficult conversations. Put a
check mark next to the statements that resonate with you. Remember
to be as honest as possible.

☐ I find myself being fearful of what others think of me.

☐ I regularly assume the worst of people.

☐ I catch myself making unfounded assumptions about others’

intentions.

☐ I often feel like I am not accepted.

☐ I catch myself worrying about others more than myself.

☐ I cope with constant feelings of unworthiness.

☐ I find it hard to accept the past.

If you checked most of the boxes, dedicate today to learning

how to be more factual in the face of your most consuming emotions.
When reacting to something, ask yourself, Is this is a fact or am I
making an assumption?
If you checked some of the boxes, catch yourself when you
make assumptions about someone else’s actions. We can’t genuinely
know why other people do what they do, and it isn’t helpful to
assume the worst about people. If we make assumptions, think the
worst, and feel unworthy, chances are we might be exaggerating the
situation we want to forgive.
If you checked few or none of the boxes, congratulations! You
are adept at understanding the facts, which will help you not
exaggerate situations. Keep this in mind as you continue on your
forgiveness journey.

How to Identify and Understand Your

Emotional Triggers
Reducing our emotional intensity depends on learning how to self-
regulate and self-soothe. When doing this, it is useful to identify and
understand your emotional triggers. An emotional trigger is a
stimulus that induces you to recall a previous traumatic experience.
When we are emotionally triggered, often at a subconscious level, we
experience physical symptoms and strong emotional reactivity,
which we’ll explore more closely in the next chapter. The emotional
trigger does not have to be scary or traumatic to create an alarm in
your body and mind. If the person you are trying to forgive helped
create an emotional trigger or did something that opened up that
wound (even if it was unintentional), it helps to identify what it is so
that you can learn how to best deal with hurtful situations as they
arise.

Make a list of your emotional triggers. For example, are you

sensitive to criticism or afraid of confrontation? Do you feel hurt
when you’re excluded or often worry that you’re being excluded?
Write down as many as you can think of.
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Now, make another list of things that bring you a sense of calm,
such as connecting with friends, meditating, walking, or drinking
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Practice thinking about what calms you when you experience an

emotional trigger. Once you feel calm, you’ll have an easier time
thinking through your emotional reactivity.

Affirmations for Managing Your Emotional

Triggers
When I talk about self-regulating and self-soothing, I’m encouraging
you to truthfully process your feelings, sort them out on your own,
and then express them with facts and logic. One way to self-soothe is
by learning to speak to yourself in a more compassionate way when
you are upset. The following are some positive affirmations for when
you feel emotionally triggered.
 → This will pass.

→ I can handle this.

→ I can take small steps forward.

→ Situations and events don’t define me.

Now, try to write some soothing affirmations of your own.

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Scaling Your Hopefulness

When in therapy sessions, I often ask my clients to scale how hopeful
they are that they will reach their goals. I find that having hope is
useful for keeping you going when you have doubts. My clients often
surprise themselves when ranking how hopeful they are. Rate how
hopeful you are that you will be able to forgive, with 1 being not
hopeful at all and 10 being extremely hopeful.

Assess where you fell on the hopefulness scale. Did you score less
than 10? In the space that follows, write about and reflect on a few
things that are holding you back.
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How Have You Contributed to the Problem?

Our willingness to forgive is stunted when we fail to look at how we
might have contributed to the problem in some way (excepting
situations of abuse, trauma, and other more extreme instances, of
course). Many of us have a blind spot when examining our actions.
Maybe you didn’t speak up when you wanted to, or perhaps you
expected the other person to know what you wanted even though
you didn’t tell them directly. As you go through these prompts, think
about the areas where you can do better, but remember to be kind to
yourself in the process.

If you could go back in time, how would you handle the situation
with your offender differently?
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In what ways could you have established better boundaries?

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In hindsight, what red flags did you notice about this person that
you might have ignored?
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Getting to Know Yourself

One of my goals in therapy is to help my clients get to know
themselves better so that they can understand how they operate and
how they contribute to the problems in their lives. Carve out some
time to get to know yourself on a more intimate level and respond to
the following questions.

Who thinks the best of you?

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Who do you think the best of, and why?

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What do you value the most?

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Why are you worth knowing?

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What is your proudest accomplishment?

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Your Family History of Forgiveness
Understanding your family history can help you get to know yourself
and where your ideas about forgiveness came from. Taking a look at
your family of origin can also give you insight into your emotional
triggers and any unresolved family issues you might have. Please
note that family can mean adoptive family, caregivers, friends, or
whoever influenced you the most in your earlier years. The following
questions will help you understand your unique history of
forgiveness.

How was anger dealt with in your family of origin?

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How did your parents or caregivers resolve conflict?

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How was love expressed?

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Do you have family members or caregivers who don’t talk to each

other? If so, why?
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Making Your Own Decisions about

Forgiveness
Take a moment to reflect on the ways your view of forgiveness differs
from that of your family’s. Write your family’s point of view in one box
and your point of view in the other box.
What similarities and differences do you notice between your and
your family’s views on forgiveness? If your views on forgiveness
differ greatly from your family’s, what influenced that change and
why?
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Why Am I So Hurt?
We all come into this world with a fresh and unmarred perspective,
but as we grow, we filter the world through the lens of what we are
taught in our most important relationships. The process is so gradual
and subtle that many of us don’t realize how much our thoughts and
ideas come from our family, culture, friends, caretakers, and society.
Equipped with the knowledge that you have gained about yourself
and your family thus far, assess with a fresh perspective why you
think you are so hurt.

Why are you so hurt by your family?

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Why are you so hurt by your partner(s)?

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Why are you so hurt by your friends?

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What effect has your society and culture had on your pain?
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Identifying Your Core Values

Once you’re aware of your core values, you can assess how you’d like
to better incorporate them into your life. Think about how your
values will allow you to act within the truth of who you want to be.
Then, choose four words from the following group that best represent
your core values around relationships.

Honesty

Compassion

Respect

Connection

Acceptance

Understanding

Friendship

Caring

Love

Comfort
 Empathy

Loyalty

Stability

Security

Equality

Fairness

Humor

Patience

Personal Growth

Happiness

Excitement

Kindness

Peace

Harmony
Now, write down some core values of your own.
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Speaking Your Truth
Many people who are hurt internalize their pain and mute themselves
for fear of creating more problems or a more significant
confrontation.
What would you say to the person or people who hurt you if you
weren’t fearful of the consequences? Make a point to express how
they hurt you and clarify what would be essential for them to know.
Write openly and honestly without censoring yourself. Let your truth
come out.
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Don’t Rush the Process

Healing isn’t a linear process. It’s messy and unpredictable. We might
consciously be aware that we want to forgive, but our unsettled
feelings won’t immediately go away. As eager as we might be to
move forward, it’s important not to rush through the process. To truly
heal, we must honor the truth of how we feel, no matter how winding
the path may be.

With that in mind, ask yourself the following questions.

How do you really feel about this process?

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While making space for your honest feelings and concerns, are you
still willing to move forward with the forgiveness process?
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Chapter Takeaways
In this chapter, you worked on the process of identifying the source
of your pain through the following actions:

→ You identified your feelings.

→ You explored your inner experience and got to know yourself.

→ You clarified your ideas about forgiveness from what you were
taught through family, upbringing, and other early forms of
conditioning.

In chapter 4, you will explore the next stage of forgiveness, which

is acknowledgment. You will be working toward accepting the truth
and the existence of your inner pain so that you can address it.

Before you start the next chapter, consider where you are in your
process and where you’re heading.
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FOUR
Stage 2:
Acknowledgment

T his chapter will cover the process of acknowledging how your

pain expresses itself, how you react to it, and how you can better
address it. Acknowledgment is the acceptance of the truth or
existence of something. With the enlightening exercises, prompts,
and meditation practices in this chapter, you will fully acknowledge
what you have been carrying with you.

Admit the Impact

Seeking to forgive is not only about acknowledging the facts of
what happened but also about admitting the impact that the
event has had on you. Negative actions have consequences,
and those consequences might be worse than the offense.
Rarely do people address conflict and wrongdoings in
constructive ways. When working toward forgiveness, people
often find that the aftermath, reactivity, unsaid apologies,
invalidation of feelings, and suppression of emotions may have
done far more damage than the offense.
Recognize Your Inner
Pain
After a massive argument with her daughter left her feeling more
anxious than usual, Rebecca came to see me. She realized that she
was in the wrong and was fearful that her daughter would never
speak to her again. Rebecca had grappled with anxiety for most of
her life, suffering from periods of rage and insecurity in her
relationships. It was difficult for her to maintain relationships; the
only long-term relationship she had was with her daughter.
When discussing Rebecca’s family history, I found out that
Rebecca was abused and sexually assaulted by her father. As a young
girl, she mustered up the strength to tell her mother, only for her
mother to turn her away. A few years later, she was kicked out of her
family home at age 16. Cast off by her family, Rebecca coupled up
with an older man and continued her life without looking back . . .
until she found herself severely anxious, alone, and depressed.
Imagine what emotions Rebecca had been carrying with her for
her entire life. How could she have known how to validate and
manage those emotions if her feelings were denied as a child? She
never had the opportunity to identify, acknowledge, or sort through
her pain. She avoided thinking of her past and then subconsciously
recreated her relationship with her mother with her own daughter.
Deep-seated emotions don’t disappear; they will make themselves
heard one way or another. If not adequately dealt with, they will seem
like the villain in your story instead of the helpful messenger.
Whether we like it or not, our emotions are part of us, and they are
here to let us know that something is wrong.
Like Rebecca, your trauma can silence your voice until anxiety
and rage come to the surface. Many of us don’t consciously repeat
patterns, but until we find the strength to face what we have been
carrying, our emotions and past will own the copyright to our life’s
narrative.
So what exactly have you been carrying with you? It may be one
deep-seated emotion or several. How does your emotional pain
manifest in your life? Does it show up as depression, anxiety, anger,
lack of trust, or low self-esteem? It isn’t enough to identify how we
feel; we also have to accept what we feel, especially if we have been
told that how we feel is wrong. Feelings are never wrong; they can
always be understood in context.
We confuse our reactions with our feelings. We blame our
emotions for any destruction, so we avoid and deny them as a way to
cope. However, our emotions don’t cause destruction; it is our
reactivity to them that does.

Naming Your Pain

Naming your pain is one way to understand how whatever
happened to you has impacted you. Once you come to terms
with what happened, it’s imperative to go through the process
of evaluating your feelings. No two people are impacted in the
same way. Therefore, when you name your pain, you give it a
unique voice. Once it has a voice, the healing process may
begin.
When healing, it is essential to sort out the facts that have
happened. However, once we are aware of the event, it’s useful
to move on from the facts and raw emotions. From there, we
can move into a life freer from chronic anxiety, fits of anger, and
reactivity. At first, we might be hesitant to acknowledge the
truth of the profound impact of our pain, but it is the only path
toward healing and moving on. Name and give a voice to your
pain, not to be the victim in your story but to access the
freedom that this admittance allows you.
Sitting with Your Emotions
Sit with the emotions that have come up for you thus far in this book.
Just stay with them, focusing on the feelings, sensations, and
thoughts that arise. Let them be, and don’t try to fight them.
Remember that whatever comes up for you is your experience. Your
experience is never wrong.

What is the name of your pain?

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If your pain could talk, what would it tell you?

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How has what you want to forgive impacted your life?

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Write Out the Facts
Within this simple exercise, you will discover how writing out the
facts will help you organize the truth of what happened versus the
impact of what happened.
To begin, gather a few index cards (or cut some paper into pieces
the size of index cards). Write down the facts of what you want to
forgive, with one fact on each card.
Once you’ve written the facts, privately read them aloud. Then,
think about your willingness to forgive them. Our willingness to
forgive is a conscious decision and statement: “I want to forgive these
facts.” Don’t be alarmed if your feelings haven’t exactly healed
around the facts yet. As we know, our feelings don’t immediately go
away because we want to forgive. Start with choosing to forgive the
facts of the event rather than the emotional impact the event had on
you.
Now, read the facts aloud again and say to yourself after each one,
“I am choosing to forgive this fact.” Give yourself a compassionate
hug and validate whatever emotions come up for you. Hold on to the
index cards and revisit them when you find you need a reminder of
your willingness to forgive.

What Emotions Do You Have a Hard Time

With?
Many of us reject how we feel. We use coping or avoidance
mechanisms to suppress or overly rationalize our emotions. As we’ve
explored, though, avoided feelings will find a way to be expressed
one way or another. Once you are aware of the emotions that you
have trouble with, you can work on fostering a genuine expression of
those emotions. Given your situation, think about what emotions
would make sense for you to feel. Have you been able to feel them?

In the space that follows, write out in bold letters the emotions that
you have the most challenging time with. Some example emotions
are anger, disappointment, and sadness.
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Do You Need to Slow Down?

How do you know when it’s time to slow down on your journey
toward forgiveness? Just like there is no one-size-fits-all approach to
forgiving, there are no rules in the forgiveness process. These
exercises are not about quickly finding solutions to our deeply rooted
pain. We are all different, and each of us responds to our
circumstances in different ways. Therefore, if you find yourself
speeding through this process, ease your foot off the metaphorical
gas pedal a bit.

Are you speeding through this workbook? If so, why might you be
doing this?
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How can you slow down more and see this as an intentional
process?
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How can you implement practical moments of self-care while you

are slowing down?
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How can you bring a sense of balance between the intentional work
you are doing here and the rest of your life?
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Learning How You React When in Pain

The following quiz will help you discover more about how you react
to your pain and discomfort.
Answer the following questions with a simple Yes or No by
circling your response.
1. If someone pushes me, do I push back? YES / NO

2. If someone says something rude to me, do I find something even

more hurtful to say back? YES / NO

3. If someone makes me feel unworthy, do I find a way to make that

person feel bad? YES / NO

4. If someone says something that hurts my feelings, do I try to

hurt them more in return? YES / NO

5. If someone hurts me, do I find someone else to hurt to make

myself feel better? YES / NO

6. If someone makes me feel anxious, do I reach out to someone

else to vent about that person? YES / NO

7. If someone yells at me, do I yell at someone else who is close to

me? YES / NO

8. If someone bullies me, do I bully someone I see as weaker? YES /

NO

If you answered mostly “Yes” to these questions, chances are

that you are continuing the cycle of vengeance and retaliation. This is
a way to channel your pain, but it isn’t helping you resolve it and
heal.
If you answered an even mix of “Yes” and “No,” you might feel
better in the moment when you retaliate, but you find it doesn’t put a
stop to the pain cycle. It’s also likely you still don’t feel good about
what happened.
If you answered mostly “No,” you are adept at not continuing the
cycle, but you might be internalizing your pain, potentially leading to
further health issues or the occasional outburst.
Acknowledging Your Pain
When we validate our feelings without judgment, we are less likely to
retaliate and misbehave as reactions to those feelings. When you
genuinely feel acknowledged and safe within yourself, it’s easier to
work through your grief and pain instead of avoiding it. When
listening to and acknowledging your pain, it is helpful to treat
yourself the same way you would a trusted friend or a young child.
Using the following checklist, mark off the ways you would like to
acknowledge your pain.

☐ Just listen to it.

☐ Don’t try to fix anything.

☐ Don’t minimize or disregard my feelings.

☐ Don’t offer myself advice on how to pep up.

☐ Don’t think about how it could be worse.

☐ Keep my feelings confidential until I sort them through.

☐ Empathize with myself.

Add some of your own ways you acknowledge your grief and pain
that aren’t included here.
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Once we learn how to be compassionate with ourselves when

emotions begin to surface, our wounds become less grave and their
impact has less of an effect on us. Considering the items you
checked off and wrote on your own, what are some ways you can be
more compassionate with yourself along your forgiveness journey?
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The Benefits of Owning

Your Pain
Owning your pain is a vital step in the healing process and in
building quality, intentional relationships. Accepting that you
are human and vulnerable is a display of strength and courage.
Just like setting a broken bone, your emotional well-being can
become more potent and resilient when you own and take care
of your pain. When you’re aware of your emotions, it helps you
clearly communicate your feelings, better resolve conflicts, and
move on from challenging emotions more easily.

Emotions Are a Natural Part of Life

An emotional response to an event that hurts you is not pathological
or dysfunctional; it’s a very natural response to being hurt. For this
prompt, write about what could potentially change if you embraced
your emotions, both good and bad, as a natural part of life.

Consider thinking of emotions the same way you would think of

having a cold. Just as the symptoms of a cold are a natural
response to having a virus in your body, emotions are an organic
response to your life’s pain and relationships’ ailments.
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Sharing Your Emotions with Others

Some people are open books who will share their emotions with
anyone who will listen, while others might not be quite so
forthcoming.
Many people find it useful to express themselves by speaking
with someone they trust or even directly to the person who hurt
them. However, if you were not allowed to express yourself as a child,
you might be unsure of how to use your voice as an adult. We’ll be
exploring the ways to best express yourself in further chapters, but
here I want you to identify who you feel safe expressing yourself to.

Who can you tell your genuine emotions to who will not judge you?
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Rewriting Your Narrative

When a person is experiencing problems, their life’s more
challenging and dominant stories can often shape their perspective.
Those stories can influence what the person sees as possible both in
the present and the future.

Consider how the event, person, or group of people you want to

forgive has become a dominant story in your life. How has it limited
and influenced what you see as possible?

In the following thought bubble, rewrite your narrative. You can’t

change the facts of what happened, but you can change the way
those facts live inside your heart and mind. You are the author of
your own story.
After writing your narrative, ask yourself the following questions.

What would you prefer to be thinking, feeling, or doing in response

to your pain?
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Where can you find the silver lining?

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When do you feel the least saddened by what happened to you?

Possible answers might include when exercising, meditating, or
connecting with friends and family.
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What Psychological Weight Are You Carrying?

Consider the psychological weight that not forgiving has had on
you. We carry not only our pain from the past but also burdens, like
unspoken resentment or hurt toward the person we haven’t
forgiven.

What are you carrying concerning the person or people who hurt
you?
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Finding Your Voice
When we find our voice, we can better communicate with others and
ourselves about how we truly feel. Voicing our pain loosens the grip it
has on us and helps us take control of our circumstances. Once we
are aware of our pain, we can give it a voice. Then, we can better
manage it. When we give a natural voice to our pain and need for
restitution, we can find a way to reclaim ourselves and start anew.

If your pain had a voice, what would it sound like? Some examples
include an angry lion, a wounded puppy, or a small child.
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If your anger and need for revenge could speak, what would they
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What course of action would you like to take now that you’ve given
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Making Space for a “Feeling Moment”

This workbook might be bringing up a lot of raw emotions for you, or
you might still be struggling to feel them. Take a deep breath and just
sit with everything you have learned so far. Learning how to feel is an
essential step in the forgiveness process. At the end of a tough week, I
find it helpful to listen to inspirational music in a quiet and
comfortable space, look within myself, and try for a feeling moment.
Having a feeling moment means creating an emotionally safe space
to allow your natural feelings, emotions, and experiences to come up
without judgment.

Take some time to have your own feeling moment by asking

yourself the following questions.

What are you upset about?

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What is bothering you?

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Is what’s bothering you something you need to accept, or is it

something you can change?
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Getting to Know Your Feelings

By the end of this chapter, you will be able to acknowledge and foster
a new and more honest relationship with your feelings. Doing this
work will help you better know your emotional triggers, as well as
how you respond when you are in a strong feeling moment.
Evaluating those emotional triggers on a daily basis, perhaps for a
full week, will also help you better think through and manage
yourself when stress is high.
Use the following scale to choose a number from 0 to 10 to
indicate the average level of emotions you experience in a day. Then,
write anything that might have happened that made you feel
emotionally triggered.
Day/Date Rating of level of emotions Emotional triggers

Keeping Calm While Emotional

The calmer we learn to be, even in the middle of our most
emotionally provoking situations and relationships, the more we can
tap into the power of clear thinking and decision making. We can
access our sense of calm when we are clear about who we are and
what matters most to us. Let’s explore some of these facets together.

What do you believe in?

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Where do your beliefs come from?
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What are your personal goals, values, and guiding principles?

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Scaling Your Hopefulness

As I said in the previous chapter, I often ask my clients to scale how
hopeful they are of reaching their goals. In the space that follows,
rate how hopeful you are again, with 1 being not hopeful at all and
10 being extremely hopeful.

At this point in the process, why do you feel this level of

hopefulness?
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Taking a Look at Your Perspective

For this prompt, write about something that is presently bothering
you while you are working toward forgiveness. Do not try to fix it. Just
write down what troubles you about it. Focus on getting your
emotions on paper and reading your words from your unique
perspective.

What is bothering you?

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What isn’t resonating with you about the forgiveness process?

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How can you see what is bothering you from a different angle or
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Looking Further within Yourself

Living your life fully aware of yourself and your emotional triggers
allows you to have freedom. When we can identify and acknowledge
what hurts us, we can learn how to think under stress and be clearer
about what it is we want to forgive. If we ignore and deny our
feelings, over time they end up controlling us in other ways. Here,
look within and continue to get to know yourself.

When do you feel the most anxious about what happened to you?
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When do you feel the most in control of how you feel?

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Accepting Your Emotional Reactions

One of the main goals of this chapter is for you to know yourself so
well that even in your moments of emotional reactivity, anxiety, and
doubt, you can still make intentional shifts in the right direction.
What a difference it would make in your life and your choice to
forgive if you openly acknowledged your feelings instead of avoiding
them or letting them consume you in other ways.

Check off the emotions that you’ve felt the most throughout this
chapter. Consider how you can be more accepting of those
emotions.

☐ Anger

☐ Happiness

☐ Joy

☐ Sadness

☐ Fear

☐ Shame

☐ Anxiety

☐ Disgust

☐ Embarrassment

☐ Guilt

☐ Gratitude
 ☐ Boredom

☐ Frustration

☐ Rage

☐ Numbness

☐ Loneliness

Now, write any additional emotions you’ve felt during your process
and deep inner work.
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Chapter Takeaways
In this chapter, we covered the process of acknowledging how your
pain expresses itself, how you react to it, and how you can better
address it. As a result, you learned the following:

→ Understanding the depth of the impact the offense had on you

helps you forgive.

→ Accepting and giving your feelings a voice enables you to heal.

→ Getting to know yourself allows you to manage intense emotions.

In chapter 5, we’ll talk about empathy and its significance in the

forgiveness process. You will go through a series of exercises to help
develop your compassion muscle for yourself and others.
In the space that follows, consider where you currently are
emotionally and where you are heading.
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FIVE
Stage 3:
Empathy

I n this stage, we will work through the process of learning how to

develop empathy. The exercises, prompts, and activities in this
chapter are designed to increase your capacity to foster compassion
for others, including the people who have harmed you. Please note
that having compassion doesn’t mean you don’t have boundaries.
Nor does it mean tolerating destructive behaviors. Rather, it allows
you to better understand why people behave the way they do. With
that understanding, you’ll be able to take others’ actions less
personally and be more forgiving.

Defining Yourself
Not moving on, blaming others for your misfortunes, and
defining yourself by what was done to you will only keep the
pain in your life and invite it to become a determining factor of
your life’s story. By building, stoking, and maintaining strong
reserves of compassion and empathy, you’re refusing to let that
pain continue to drag down your chances of living a better
present and future.
Developing Compassion
Often, it isn’t our initial instinct to extend compassion and empathy
to people who have wronged us. It seems odd and unjust to feel that
way about someone who doesn’t seem to deserve it. So how can we
find it within ourselves to extend compassion? The key to developing
compassion, and thereby moving forward along your journey, is to
tap into how you view that person or those people and recognize their
innately flawed humanity.
Most likely, the person who hurt you was also profoundly injured
at some point in their life. Most people who are content and haven’t
been deeply hurt aren’t going around harming others. This is why if
you look closely enough at someone’s story, you can begin to
understand the motivations behind their acts of anger, lashing out, or
betrayal.
Feeling empathy for others’ struggles and visualizing what it’s like
to be in others’ shoes is powerful and healing. It’s what we feel when
we let ourselves view life from someone else’s perspective, whether or
not we agree with their actions or the choices they have made.
Empathy is vital to the forgiveness process because it allows us to see
people as human beings.
In this chapter, you will develop compassion for others as well as
yourself by learning about different empathic tools to add to your tool
kit. We will spend time learning how to be compassionate toward
ourselves because it is an integral part of developing compassion for
others. When you have self-compassion, you can let go of the need to
be perfect, which allows you to embrace our collective human
imperfections.

Stimulating Empathy
Compassion and empathy allow forgiveness to be possible. They pull
us away from our narrow perspective of thinking, I am hurt and I am
going to hold on to my anger, encouraging us to instead open
ourselves up to a broader view. What if we thought instead, What
happened to me is part of a larger story. We are all trying our best, but
sometimes that is not good enough. Wouldn’t that give us a deeper
perspective of ourselves, our relationships, and our lives?
When we can empathize, we can understand that had we lived a
different life, we might have made the same choices as those who
have wronged us. This in turn breeds a deeper connection and
understanding that opens us up to healing, peace, and harmony.
Hold all of this in your mind while answering the following questions.

How to Have Compassion

for Yourself and Others at
the Same Time
We often think in terms of either/or binaries. How often have
you said or thought to yourself things like I’m wrong, or you’re
mistaken; I’m right, or you’re right; and you’re good, or I’m
good? Human relationships are a lot more complicated than
that. Part of being compassionate is seeing things from a
both/and instead of an either/or perspective. This helps us live
more in the realistic grey areas of life instead of only black and
white.
Try to reframe your internal dialogue by saying or thinking to
yourself, I deserve compassion, and so do you. My feelings are
justifiable, and so are yours. I can be empathetic toward you
and set boundaries to protect myself. I can develop empathy
toward myself and you. I can think about how what you did
was wrong and empathize with you.
What does empathy mean to you?
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What is the broader story of your pain?

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In Their Shoes
When shifting our perspective from our own point of view, we can see
that we were all born innocent but might have grown up under
different circumstances that have shaped and impacted the people
we are now. Even if you were raised similarly to another family
member or person within your household, everyone experiences
things differently or has unique limitations to overcome.
This exercise will require imagination and honesty on your part.
To begin, visualize the person who truly hurt you. Put yourself in that
person’s shoes when answering the following questions, considering
what you envision their unique perspective to be as you respond.

For the first prompt, fill in the action of the person who harmed
you. Then, answer all three questions from their imagined
perspective.
 1. What happened in my life that caused me to . . .

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2. How do I understand my actions?

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3. What was my upbringing like? For example, was I raised by

extended family, was I adopted, and so on?

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Thawing Your Hardened Heart

As you try to feel compassion and empathy, you may instead feel
numb and distant at times. That is understandable because when we
are hurt, we tend to build walls and protectively distance ourselves
from feelings of warmth and love. In life, we all have a mix of good
and bad memories, and we can choose how those memories live
inside us. The following questions will allow you to see how open you
are to finding compassion and empathy for those who hurt you.

How do you feel when you think about finding compassion and
empathy for those who have hurt you?
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What memories do you want to keep as happy ones, even if they

don’t make you feel happy now?
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How can you move forward with compassion for others without
forgetting what is true to you and your experience?
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Finding a Compassionate Moment

This practice will help you create empathy and compassion in your
daily life. Start by focusing on your breathing. Pay attention to your
inhalations and exhalations. Then, move your open hand onto your
chest and take three deep breaths. Acknowledge the pain that you
have been through. Finally, say aloud the following mantras and
write some others that speak specifically to you if you so choose.
1. My suffering feels like (describe what it feels like).

2. Part of the human experience is suffering.

3. I love myself no matter what happens.

4. I am trying my best to forgive.

5. I am sending kindness and healing to myself and others who

have been hurt.

6. _______________________________________

7. _______________________________________

8. _______________________________________

The next time you’re struggling to have compassion for yourself

or others, find a quiet, private place and repeat these mantras to
yourself.

Cultivating Compassion
To cultivate compassion and empathy for those who hurt you, you
only need to have the willingness to understand whoever hurt you in
their context and to muster up the strength to gain a clearer picture
of their perspective. You can do this, even with feelings of hurt and
your own resistance.
Cultivating compassion and gaining more of an understanding is
to help you heal; it’s not for the person who hurt you. Therefore, it’s
okay if you’re hesitant to forgive and holding on to the hurt while you
find the strength to cultivate compassion for others. In the meantime,
you can lend some compassion to yourself by using the following
introspective prompts.

What parts of yourself are you still hesitant to forgive?

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What are the effects of still holding on to those parts of yourself?

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Pursuing compassion and empathy takes away the power from the
person or people who hurt you. What would be different in your life
if others didn’t have that power over you?
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If you can let go of the need for vengeance and payback, you will
gain the ability to move on. What does that make you think about?
How would your life be measurably different if you took this course
of action?
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Writing Your Own Empathetic Messages

Empathetic and compassionate messages warm your heart and help
you feel heard and understood. In the space that follows, write a few
empathetic statements that will inspire warmth and caring within
you. I’ve provided you with a number of examples to get you started.

→ You are making sense.

→ I understand why you would feel that way.

→ I hear you.

→ You must feel hopeless.

→ I wish you didn’t have to go through this.

 → You are in a tough place right now.

Now, write your own if you’d like, considering words that speak
most meaningfully to your situation.
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Practicing Self-Kindness
Practicing self-kindness means showing compassion for ourselves
even after making a mistake or when we feel hurt.

When thinking of self-kindness, in what ways do you show that you

care about yourself? For example, do you speak to yourself in an
understanding way, make sure to take care of yourself, or fill up on
nutritious foods?
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Loving Affirmations
Loving affirmations help us be more kind to ourselves, especially
when we are having a hard time. Circle the following affirmations
that resonate with you and that you would like to incorporate into
your life. Positive affirmations are helpful when working toward a
healthy and happy relationship with yourself.

→ I am enough.

→ I can do it.

→ I am lovable.

→ I am not a failure.

→ I deserve kindness.

→ I can love again and be loved.

→ I am allowed to make mistakes.

→ I am grateful.

→ I am loving and kind.

→ I believe in myself.

→ I have the ability to show compassion.

→ I am a good person.

Write some affirmations that speak to your unique self.

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A Thank-You Letter to Yourself
Compassion is more difficult when you aren’t grateful to and
appreciative of yourself. Use the space that follows to write yourself a
note, thanking yourself for how far you’ve come and for being open to
learning no matter how hard it’s been. Express the gratitude you feel
for this opportunity to grow and gain a sense of peace.

Dear ___________________,
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With love,
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Exploring Your Vulnerability

When we’re vulnerable, we can feel emotionally naked, with all of our
nerve endings exposed for the world to touch. It’s even more difficult
to allow ourselves to be vulnerable when we have been hurt. This
exercise will help you explore your vulnerabilities and how to
proceed when you feel uncomfortable or exposed.
 Think about a significant moment in your life that you have a
hard time sharing with others. It may be a story of something you’re
ashamed of, a challenging situation, or something that embarrasses
you. Think about what it would be like to tell someone you trust
about that significant moment.

How does the idea of telling someone about that moment make you
feel? For example, does it make you feel anxious, lightheaded,
embarrassed, or excited?
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What qualities does that person have that make you feel
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Now, list some ways you can show yourself compassion and love
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Building a Solid Foundation

If you don’t have self-love, respect, and an unwavering, rooted
sense of worth, it can hit you even harder when someone does
something that offends you. Feeling secure makes a massive
difference in how you see yourself and acts as a shield
protecting you from the harmful actions of others. Nurturing
that shield and making it stronger is how you build a more solid
foundation for yourself.

Granting Some Self-Compassion

Think about how you might speak to a young child or good friend
who is going through a hard time. When we can learn to talk to
ourselves the same way we would to a child or someone we care
about, we can learn how to continue to create self-compassion.

How would you show that child or friend compassion?

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How can you show yourself that same compassion?

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Practicing Mindfulness
According to compassion researcher Kristin Neff in her book Self-
Compassion, showing yourself compassion means practicing
mindfulness and looking for the common humanity between yourself
and others. When practicing mindfulness, however, random thoughts
can come up and make it hard to keep a clear and focused mind. This
exercise will help you take a moment to care for yourself and practice
being mindful. Make sure you sit with the prompt and your resulting
thoughts for a full minute before moving to the next part.
Begin by answering the question “How am I doing in this
moment?” and simply notice what thoughts and feelings come up.
Are they judgmental, critical, or encouraging?
For one minute, keep your awareness on your breath while letting
your thoughts float away. Imagine your thoughts drifting, like a bird
flies through the sky. Then, encourage your mind to focus on the
present moment and your surroundings.
For the final minute, expand your attention from your breath and
focus on being in this moment. When the minute is up, slowly return
to yourself.
Throughout the rest of your forgiveness journey, try to recreate
this new sense of slowness and mindfulness by taking a moment to
practice being present every day.

Becoming More Self-Aware

The most long-term and positive changes occur when we become
more self-aware, observing how we talk to ourselves and interact
with others. Paying attention to our internal narratives is a clear way
to start seeing ourselves and others through a kinder and more
compassionate lens.
When you find yourself talking negatively to yourself, practice
editing the statement so that it is more accepting and
nonjudgmental. For example, instead of saying, “I’m embarrassed for
doing that,” reframe the statement so it’s something like, “It’s okay
that I feel embarrassed. It doesn’t mean I am a bad or unworthy
person.”

What are some critical or negative thoughts you’ve had about

yourself?
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How can you edit those thoughts with acceptance and

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Understanding a Person within Their Context

Now, let’s use what you’ve learned about compassion to find a way to
show empathy toward those who have hurt you.
Please make your best effort to understand the person who hurt
you in their context for this exercise. If you have several people you
want to forgive, choose one person at a time. If you don’t have access
to the information I am asking for, come up with your best imagined
theory of what could have been going on within their unique
existence.

Has that person experienced a traumatic incident or event? What

was the overall nature of their trauma?

When the incident that you want to forgive occurred, was your
offender going through an anxious time? How might that anxious
time have influenced their actions or behavior?

In your experience, does your offender have a hard time taking

responsibility for their actions? Do they appear to lack self-
awareness, the capacity for introspection, or the willingness to
have tough conversations?
What do you know about your offender’s history that could shed
light on why they might be insecure about being wrong?
Coping with Remorsefulness
Countless times within my practice, clients have said that they would
be willing to forgive someone if the person in question seemed
remorseful. It’s understandable that we’d be more willing to forgive
someone who appears to be genuinely sorry. Unfortunately, we aren’t
always able to get the catharsis that comes with a true apology,
whether it’s because the person is oblivious to the pain they’ve
caused or unable to admit they were wrong. Regardless of their
reasoning, someone else’s inability to apologize shouldn’t interfere
with your forgiveness journey.
The following prompts are designed to help you reflect on how
you can forgive someone who is unwilling or unable to express
genuine remorse for their actions.

Admitting wrongdoing isn’t always a straightforward process.

What kinds of hurdles might be getting in the way of that person
admitting they were wrong? For example, does apologizing mean
that person would have to come to terms with ugly truths about
themselves like addiction, arrogance, unresolved trauma, or fear?
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What hardships, hang-ups, or hurdles might prevent you from

apologizing to someone else? Are there any similarities you can see
between your hurdles and those of your offender?
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Is Anger Winning over Compassion?

If you’re still angry at the person who hurt you, it can be extremely
difficult, if not impossible, to feel compassion toward them. Any
residual feelings of anger must be dealt with before we can
empathize with those who have hurt us.
With these prompts, you’ll reflect on how your anger might be
impeding your ability to be compassionate toward the person or
people who hurt you.

In what ways are you still angry, and why?

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What do you need in order to resolve your anger? What would help
you show this person or group of people empathy and
compassion?
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Crafting a Family Genogram

In my practice, I often have clients look back three generations in
their family tree to help them see the broader picture of themselves
and their family. I find this is a useful exercise to do with the family of
your offender as well. If that person is already a member of your
family, this exercise will likely be a bit easier. If not, try to find out as
much as you can about your offender’s family through online
research and other accessible and reasonable resources.
Once you’ve gathered as much information as you can, use it to
create a family tree or genogram. Start by choosing identifiers to
represent each family member.
Next, organize nuclear families into groups by drawing horizontal
lines connecting the parents to their children. For families with
multiple children or siblings, place them from left to right, starting
with the oldest and ending with the youngest. If you need more
spaces for additional members, use the white space below to the side
of the genogram graphic.
Finally, write down any traumatic events next to the family
member(s) who experienced them. Possible traumatic events could
be the early death of a loved one, an estrangement due to a
disagreement, immigration, or the impacts of global conflicts such as
political disagreement, racism, or genocide.
Scaling Your Hopefulness
As we’ve done in previous chapters, let’s assess your level of
hopefulness about this process. Notice if your level of hopefulness
has increased as you have worked through the chapters. If you don’t
feel very hopeful, it may help to concentrate on your progress and
make note of the positive and beneficial changes you’ve made thus
far. You just might surprise yourself!
The Apology You Never Received
From my own experience and from listening to my clients’
experiences, I know how much an unsaid apology can add salt to an
already wounded heart. I hope that throughout this chapter you have
been able to give yourself the empathy and compassion you need to
soldier on without one. Just remember that an unsaid apology has
more to do with the other person’s unwillingness to look at
themselves than it has to do with you.

Here, you will have the opportunity to give yourself the apology
that you deserve. In the space that follows, write out the ideal
apology that would help you move on.
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Chapter Takeaways
In this chapter, we worked through issues of self-compassion,
empathy, kindness, and acceptance. We also looked at your offenders
in their context so that you could understand why they did what they
did and how it makes sense given their background. Here, you
learned the following:

→ Compassion doesn’t make what someone did to you okay.

→ Empathy allows us to see the world from another person’s

perspective.

→ Being compassionate toward others doesn’t mean we forget

about ourselves.
 → Pain and suffering are part of the human experience.

Think about where you are in this process and reflect on how much
progress you’ve made.
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SIX
Stage 4:
Self-Forgiveness

I n this chapter, you will learn that you deserve forgiveness. Self-
forgiveness allows you to know that you have value even if you’ve
made mistakes. When you can learn from your faults instead of
punishing yourself for them, you can truly gain knowledge from your
experiences and make forgiveness an even more meaningful part of
your life.

Forgiveness Is an Act of Self-Love

The most influential act of forgiveness is when you find it in
your heart to forgive yourself for the drama, pain, and
destruction you may have created in your own life. Forgiving
yourself is a way of showing yourself genuine love and
compassion.
Forgiving Yourself
When I look back over the years and recognize some of my mistakes,
I realize that most weren’t acted out with malice. Whatever I did came
from a place of ignorance; I was merely repeating patterns and
reacting to people in ways I learned from my upbringing. I was so
oblivious to how I contributed to my family’s issues that I rarely
apologized or took responsibility for myself. It was only through my
mistakes, growth, and schooling that I understood when I was wrong.
Then, I found that I was angry with myself. At that point, I realized it
was a lot more difficult to forgive myself than it was to forgive others.
I held myself up on a pedestal, so my mistakes weren’t as acceptable
as the ones that others made. It wasn’t until I internalized that
forgiving and receiving forgiveness are typical in any relationship
that I was able to truly forgive myself and others.
Forgiving others is as important as forgiving ourselves. It’s a
cumulative process toward healing and growth, one that helps free
us from the past and holds us accountable. When we learn and grow
from our suffering, we create a sense of meaning. We can make an
internal peace, one that reaches for love and compassion, not abuse,
harsh inner critique, and self-hatred.
When I learned the power of self-forgiveness, I could say “I’m
sorry” and take responsibility for myself. However, I was also able to
not take the blame for things that weren’t my fault. It can be a tricky
dance. However, the more you are aware of yourself and open to
forgiveness, the more you will understand when it’s appropriate and
useful to forgive yourself.

How Does Shame Affect You?

Shame can affect people in many different ways. Review the
following list and check off the words that describe how shame has
affected you. If you’d like, write additional ways that speak to your
unique situation, as well.
 ☐ Self-criticism

☐ Self-hatred

☐ Self-blame

☐ Self-neglect

☐ Self-sabotaging behaviors

☐ Negative self-talk

☐ People-pleasing

☐ Perfectionism

☐ Occasional intense rage

☐ Repeated abuse cycles

☐ _______________________

☐ _______________________

☐ _______________________

☐ _______________________

Identifying the behaviors that you display when feeling shame

can help you become more aware of your actions. Once you are more
self-aware and see your process, you can try to change it and curb
that reaction of shame that sometimes feels so innate.

Overcoming Guilt and Shame

 The experiences of guilt and shame can feel similar. Guilt is
more easily defined as feeling disappointed in ourselves for
doing something that might violate our values and principles.
When we feel guilty, we feel bad about an action, a lack of
effort, or not doing the right thing. However, when we feel
shame, we feel inadequate and hopeless. Shame is never useful
to us because it makes us feel bad about who we are. This is
why it’s important to check in with yourself throughout your
forgiveness journey. It’s okay to feel guilty sometimes, but
feeling ashamed could be a sign that you’ve taken on more
than you should.

So Long, Shame
Self-forgiveness is essential if you want to have peace of mind and a
way to heal from shameful feelings. When you heal shame and
unhelpful guilt, you will be able to see yourself in a more objective
light. You will become honestly aware of how you have hurt yourself
and others, therefore growing your understanding that being
imperfect doesn’t make you unworthy of love.

How do you think your relationships with others will change when
you feel less guilt and shame?
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How will your relationship with yourself improve once you’ve cast
off guilt and shame?
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Self-Compassion as a Solution to Shame

Most of us desire peaceful relationships and connections, but we
can’t attract or achieve them if we don’t have that similar sense of
peace within ourselves. Meditation is a great way to help bring more
compassion into your life. It allows you to sit still and work on
mindfully bringing warmth, love, empathy, and compassion
throughout your body and mind. During this meditation, find a
comfortable space where you can become still and centered.

→ Start by following the rhythm of your breath.

→ When you take a deep breath in, imagine compassion and love
filling your body and mind with warmth.

→ During each inhale, feel the warmth radiate through your body,
starting at your toes and flowing toward the top of your head.

→ When you feel that the warmth of love and compassion has filled
your body and mind, radiate kindness outward.

→ Be mindful to take this peaceful energy into your day.

Obstacles of Self-Forgiveness
It is typical to experience some form of resistance to forgiving
yourself. If you believe that you deserve to be punished, you might
see self-forgiveness as giving yourself a free pass. However, the more
shame and unhelpful guilt you feel about the past and the worse you
feel about yourself, the less likely it is that you will work toward
making changes in your behavior. This exercise will help you actively
work on self-forgiveness.

List what you would like to forgive yourself for.

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For each item you would like to forgive yourself for, decide if you
must reach out for forgiveness or if you need to forgive yourself.
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Make a list of things about yourself that you wouldn’t want to

change.
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Think about someone who respects and looks up to you. What is it

that they would say they admire and love about you?
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Choosing to Change
Once you decide to forgive yourself, you can choose to change your
behaviors. People are more motivated to make changes when they
are loving and compassionate with themselves than when they are
critical and hurtful. You may have a hard time forgiving yourself if
you always need to be seen as a “nice” or “good” person. The desire to
be perfect might have begun with your family or caregivers if they
had overly high expectations of you growing up or if they overreacted
or abandoned you when you misbehaved. Unresolved feelings about
our past can have a negative impact on our present. Use the
following prompts to explore those feelings and how you can begin
to let them go.

Who in your life had unrealistic expectations of you?

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How can you make peace with your past?

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How can you be less critical of yourself?

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Why Forgive Me?

If you have hurt someone, you might think, Why do I deserve
forgiveness? It isn’t going to make the other person feel better. The
most important reason is that if you don’t find a way to forgive
yourself, you will carry shame and guilt that will only prompt you to
continue to behave in destructive ways. Forgiving yourself will pave
the way for you to continue and grow into your best self. When you
don’t carry around that heavy weight of self-criticism, you can
transform your life and relationships.
Think about what you have done or failed to do that makes you
feel overly guilty or ashamed. Then, ask yourself what can be done
for you to right that wrong. If you don’t know, ask a trusted friend,
family member, or professional for their input.

How can you take action to resolve the hurt you have caused? For
example, can you apologize, take steps to avoid doing it again, or
find a way to give back to others?
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Forgive Yourself for Repeating Patterns

Self-forgiveness for hurting others you care about is very difficult to
do, but it’s imperative for resolving your shameful feelings. If you
have found yourself repeating your family cycle of abuse by hurting
others the way you have been hurt, that can be especially hard to
recover from.
The following are examples of some of the ways my clients have
repeated their unique patterns:
“When I’m angry, I verbally attack my child the same way I was
verbally attacked. How could I do this? I know how hurt and fragile I
was as a child, but now I find I’m doing the same thing to my
daughter. I should never be forgiven.”
“I always promised myself that I wouldn’t have the same marriage
as my parents. Yet here I am repeating the mistakes of my parent by
cheating on my partner. I will never forgive myself.”
“I feel terrible. I cut off contact with my child the same way my
parents cut me off when I upset them. My child should never forgive
me.”
Pick the example that resonates with you and write about how that
person could earn forgiveness or find a way to forgive themselves.
Consider how they can offer themselves understanding and
compassion, take responsibility, apologize, and make amends.
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Self-Understanding Can Lead to Self-

Forgiveness
It’s crucial to gain self-understanding, especially if you were
mistreated or abused as a child and haven’t resolved those issues. In
that case, it is more likely that you will repeat the cycle of
mistreatment or abuse with your children, or you may
unintentionally harm them by not setting any rules at all in fear of
overly punishing them.
For those without children, you may treat your family members or
close friends poorly. Understanding the trauma you experienced as a
child can help you better empathize with the actions you partake in
now. Research shows that the impacts of trauma are most apparent
when individuals are stressed out, overly anxious, in a new situation,
or in a place that brings up memories of the trauma.
Think about how your experiences of mistreatment, abuse, or
trauma might have stunted your growth to make better decisions as a
person, parent, friend, or family member. For example, if your parent
was emotionally distant, you might find it hard to connect with your
children.

In what ways has your childhood affected the decisions you make
now?
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How can you understand your past more objectively and make
active, practical changes to be a better and more forgiving person?
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Understanding Our Common Humanity

The fact is that we all have hurt someone in our lifetime. We might
have harmed someone in ways that have shaped their lives forever.
Knowing that you are not alone can allow you to have self-
compassion and forgive yourself. When you have self-compassion, it
does not take away your accountability for your actions. It may
release you from self-criticism that can hold you back from
responding to situations with an open mind.
As the compassion researcher Kristin Neff wrote in her book Self-
Compassion, “When we begin to recognize that we are a product of
countless factors, we don’t need to take our ‘personal failings’ so
personally.” When we can understand our interconnectedness, we
can have compassion for ourselves, knowing that we are trying our
very best with the life we have.
Here, think about how your actions or inactions may have hurt
others.

In what ways have you hurt others? Was it your actions or inability
to act that hurt them?
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If possible, speak with the person you have hurt and let them
know that you are taking responsibility for hurting them. Express
that they have every right to be mad at you and that you are okay
with talking about how you made them feel. If speaking with them
isn’t possible, consider writing a letter to them and being open and
honest about how you hurt them. Even if you cannot send the letter,
your frank expression may feel cathartic for you.

The Importance of
Apologizing
It is so powerful when you admit to what you did wrong with a
heartfelt apology. Many people who suffer at the hands of
others wish they could receive an apology. When you are
wronged, how important is it for you to hear, “I am sorry”? How
does it act as a balm to your healing process?
It takes courage and strength to admit when we are wrong
 and to be confronted by someone we hurt. When we can do
this, we develop a more profound respect for ourselves. Self-
respect can increase our self-esteem and confidence and
provide us with a more optimistic outlook on life. When we find
a way to apologize, we express to the person that we care
about them and their feelings. This lets them know that we are
less likely to hurt them in the same way again and that we can
be held accountable for our actions.

The Keys to Giving a Caring Apology

A caring apology goes a long way in healing relationships and
rightfully placing the blame where it belongs. The following are some
necessary forms to give a meaningful apology. Highlight the
strategies that resonate with you. Think of ways to incorporate them
into your apology. If others come to you that are unique to your
situation, write them in the spaces that follow.

→ State regret for creating any inconvenience, hurt, or harm.

→ Express empathy toward the person by letting them know that

you understand how your actions or inaction hurt them.

→ Accept full responsibility for your actions or inaction, clearly

stating that you aren’t blaming them for how you acted and
avoiding making excuses or justifying your behavior.

→ Explain how you will take action to reconcile the situation and
show that you want to repair the damage.

→ Promise not to repeat the action and show that you are going to
therapy or support groups if you were abusive.
 → Offer to pay for the person’s therapy, if appropriate and within
your means, or donate your time to help others.

→ _______________________________________

→ _______________________________________

→ _______________________________________

It isn’t easy to learn from your mistakes and work on being a better
self. If you are doing that, you no longer have anything to feel guilty
or shameful about. Many people don’t apologize or take
responsibility for their actions. The fact that you are doing the mature
thing is commendable.

What Self-Forgiveness Is Not

Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean that you forget about your actions or
inaction. You don’t forget what has been done or how you hurt
others. It’s not a way to avoid the consequences of your actions or to
be free of any further conversation about your behaviors. Self-
forgiveness is being fully aware and accepting of the facts of what
happened.

What would it mean for you to accept yourself as a flawed human

being?
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What Is a Prerequisite to Self-Forgiveness?
Forgiveness of yourself requires full honesty and transparency. We
must be honest with ourselves before we can be truthful with others.
It’s important to note that you don’t need the forgiveness of others to
forgive yourself. There is no doubt that it makes self-forgiveness a
more straightforward process; however, some people might never
find it in their hearts to forgive you. We can’t make someone forgive
us; that is their process to work through. A prerequisite to self-
forgiveness is being honest with ourselves about how we feel. When
we can become aware of the feelings holding us back from self-
forgiveness, we can make truly meaningful changes.

Do you feel guilty?

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Do you feel ashamed?

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Do you feel grief?

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Do you feel hopeless?

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List some additional ways you are feeling here.

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Unexpressed Shame
When we don’t forgive ourselves, we can feel a deep level of
disconnection from ourselves and others. We may even think that we
aren’t deserving of forgiveness or a second chance. When working on
self-forgiveness and feelings of shame, it helps to connect with others
who have done things they are ashamed of. When we share our
struggles with other people, we create a sense of meaning and
purpose from our complicated past. When we are isolated, our guilt
and shame can grow. We have a better chance of healing when we
belong to a community and create meaningful connections.

For this exercise, think about how you could best share your
feelings with others. If you aren’t comfortable sharing your story,
think of ways to serve people in your community. With deeper
connection, your compassion for yourself and others develops. In
the following circles, write how you can make better connections
and express yourself.

When Guilt Is Not Helpful

Together, we’ve explored how guilt can sometimes help us identify
when we have acted in ways that are against our values. However,
sometimes guilt isn’t so helpful. Often, guilt comes from immense
family pressure or demands we put on ourselves that aren’t
attainable. Unchecked negative guilt can become an overpowering
voice within us, pushing us to do things that we don’t want to do
because we feel bad for not doing them. When guilt is unhelpful, our
inner dialogue becomes intense and impulsive, perhaps urging us to
do something to avoid hurting other people’s feelings, even if it isn’t
the right thing to do. Using these prompts, recognize and reflect on
how guilt has influenced you.

When have you done things out of guilt that you didn’t want to do?
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How can you better distinguish helpful guilt from unhelpful guilt?
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How can you make sure that guilt doesn’t have you crossing your
boundaries?
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Be Kind to Yourself
When you have a hard time finding a way to encourage yourself and
be kind, honor how far you have come in this process. Some people
find comfort in taking a break, listening to motivational music, or
reading positive affirmations.

What are some ways you can honor yourself by acknowledging how
far you have come? Write them in the following thought bubbles.

Letting Go of Self-Hatred
Your self-talk is your most intimate inner dialogue, and if that
dialogue is negative or overly critical, it puts you at a huge
disadvantage. It makes it harder to see the value you bring to others
and yourself. The following questions will help you start letting go of
self-hatred, making space to increase your ability to forgive yourself.

When do your self-critiques and negative self-talk make their

biggest appearance?
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How would you like to show yourself more compassion and less
self-criticism?
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How Much Have I Grown?

Taking note of how far you have come is just one form of self-care.
When we recognize where we have grown the most, we are more
likely to continue those behaviors.

Circle the traits that best express how you have grown the most so
far.

Kind

Grateful

Forgiving

Appreciative

Secure

Understanding

Calm

Empathetic

Compassionate

Connected

Tolerant
 Open-minded

Trustworthy

Honest

Warm

Self-aware

Patient

Reflective
Add some more of your own traits here.
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Take a moment to honor how far you’ve come. Give yourself a

metaphorical pat on the back!

Practicing Forgiving Yourself

Like most things in life, self-forgiveness is easier said than done. Our
inability to truly forgive ourselves is connected to heightened
depression, anxiety, and even a weaker immune system. When we
choose to forgive ourselves, we decrease how guilt, shame, and self-
hatred affect us. Together, let’s explore some questions around self-
forgiveness.
In what ways are you struggling with forgiving yourself?
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What is holding you back from forgiving yourself?

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What wasn’t in your control about the situation?

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What lesson have you learned since then?

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Chapter Takeaways
Self-forgiveness is a critical step in allowing yourself to let go of a
harmful past and work toward making things right. The following are
some important takeaways from this chapter to keep in mind:

→ We are prisoners of the past if we don’t forgive ourselves.

→ If you have not asked for forgiveness from others, do so. Forgiving
yourself will be easier if you receive forgiveness.

→ We can’t fully heal in isolation. Connecting with others is a way to

develop self-compassion.

Consider where you are now and where you are heading in this
book.
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SEVEN
Stage 5:
Release

S tage five covers the decision to let go and finally release your
anger and resentment. While we don’t have authority over the
emotions that automatically arise within us when something
happens, we do have control over how we react to them. Ultimately,
we choose to either hold on to or let go of hurtful emotions. Together,
let’s explore the process of releasing that hurt and welcoming in our
healing.

Changing Your Life

When you decide to forgive, it can change your life forever.
Forgiveness is not about erasing what happened to you or
wishing the past didn’t happen. It isn’t a guarantee that the
other person will change; you don’t have control over anyone
else, no matter how forgiving or accepting you are. Forgiveness
means that you choose to let go of the hurt and anger, making a
conscious effort to release yourself from the hold that others
may have on you.
Let It Go
When we hold on to pain, it doesn’t fix what is broken. When we
replay the past in our minds, it doesn’t change it. When we wish for
our lives to be different, it doesn’t automatically make things change.
In many situations, particularly ones in the past, we can only accept
what has happened. It’s essential to let go of the past because
holding on to it prevents you from having a true understanding of
who you are. Wouldn’t you rather have your present self define who
you are rather than your past self?
If that feels easier said than done, you’re not alone. Believe it or
not, painful feelings can be a source of comfort for us; there is an
experience of predictability in living in what we already know. Many
of my clients have trouble letting go of their anger and resentment
about the past because those feelings are part of their identity; they
are proof that they were hurt. Many people do not know who they are
without their anger and resentment, making it almost impossible for
them to let go and be free.
Now that you have worked through identifying the source of your
pain and anger, you will embark on the process of letting go.
Remember that you won’t release everything all at once. Here, we will
gradually soften the impact of the pain. You will let go of what you
can. This isn’t about forcing yourself to let go of something you’re not
ready to release. When your anger and resentment soften through
this process, it might motivate you to continue on the journey of
forgiveness. In this chapter, you will learn to do the following.
Develop self-awareness. When we develop self-awareness, we
are more mindful of ourselves, who we are, and how we react to life’s
challenges and the people in our lives. To be more self-aware is a gift
of being more conscious, intentional, and wise. We can see the role
we play in our lives and relationships. We can understand how we
may be contributing to the conflict or joy in our lives. We can more
readily take note of how we feel and then make a mindful decision on
how to respond. When we aren’t self-aware, we float through life,
reacting to situations in the same old ways we always have. We end
up with a life by default, not a life that we chose. We wind up feeling
stuck in our circumstances and feeling helpless to make changes.
Let the pain go. There is a misconception that letting go means
whatever happened is done and removed from our lives. Letting go
doesn’t mean it didn’t happen; it certainly did happen. We are aware,
accepting, and conscious of what happened. We deeply understand
the facts and effects of what took place, though it no longer stings
like it used to. Instead of wishing it didn’t happen, we don’t fight it;
we acknowledge its presence and simply let it be the way it unfolded.
Reframe the situation. We grow the most when we are
challenged. Life’s obstacles have a way of showing us who we are
and how capable we are of standing on our own two feet. When we
can see our challenges as opportunities for growth, rather than as
stressful or painful constraints that hold us back, we reframe the
situations that happened to us. Many people who have been hurt in
excruciating ways learn through those events how resilient they are.
They find meaning in giving back and helping those who have been
through similar experiences. When we can find meaning, purpose,
and growth in our misfortunes, we can reframe the situation and
refresh the narrative of how it will affect us in the future.
Take back your power. We don’t have control over what happens
to us, as much as we may try, though we do have control over how we
choose to deal with those events. When taking back our power, we
focus on changing what we can control. When we focus on changing
what we can’t, we feel hopeless and powerless. By shifting that focus,
we release ourselves from an emotional prison.

The Gift of Mercy

Forgiveness and mercy are gifts that you choose to give not
only yourself but also the other person, whether they deserve it
or not. Mercy is showing compassion toward a person whom
 you have the power to punish. Mercy is different from justice;
when it comes to justice, the person gets punished for what
they have done. We all deserve justice, but with mercy comes
genuine forgiveness.
When I was in middle school, I was bullied by three girls. One
day I saw one of my bullies crying in the bathroom; the other
two bullies had started bullying her. She cried to me and
apologized for what she had done to me, now understanding
what it was like to be on the other side of bullying. Though at
one point I may have wanted her to understand how I felt, I
didn’t feel great seeing her suffering the same way I did. I not
only forgave her, but I also showed her mercy and comfort.
When we can offer respect, compassion, and genuine kindness,
we stop the cycle of abuse and bullying.

Applying Your Knowledge to Your Situation

Take a moment to ponder what forgiveness, letting go, and offering
mercy mean for your unique situation.

What does forgiveness, letting go, and mercy look like for you?
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Letting Go Doesn’t Mean Forgetting

Many of the situations, people, and events we want to forgive and
finally let go of aren’t things we can easily forget. However, even
when painful memories have been etched into our minds, we can still
learn to let go of our past traumas.

What ideas do you have about how you can let go?
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How is it helpful to know that you don’t have to forget to let go?
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Thoughts Holding You Back from Letting Go

Throughout this journey, we have discussed your possible feelings of
resistance when it comes to forgiving. Through my research and
therapeutic work, I found that specific ideas and thoughts hold some
people back from letting go. The things we tell ourselves can make a
difference in how we decide to move forward.
Check off the beliefs that are holding you back from letting go.

☐ I am scared it will happen again.

 ☐ Holding on to my pain gives me a sense of control over a
situation I had no control over.

☐ My feelings have never been validated by anyone else, and I

can’t forgive until I am heard.

☐ Forgiveness makes what happened okay and like it isn’t a big

deal.

☐ I can’t forgive when I so profoundly dislike the person who hurt

me.

☐ I will forgive when I am ready.

☐ I still feel deeply hurt. The other person never apologized or

acknowledged they hurt me.

☐ It isn’t safe or possible to have a relationship with the person

who hurt me. I don’t know how I can forgive that person if I will
never talk to them again.

☐ I think if I forgive the person, they will want a relationship with

me again.

☐ I’d rather avoid the person than have to be near them and set
boundaries.

☐ I am still in the middle of the situation and don’t think I can

forgive until it’s over.

☐ The person who hurt me can’t undo what they did, so there is
no point in forgiving.

☐ The person who hurt me has passed away. There is no point in

trying to forgive now.

Add some more beliefs that have been holding you back from
letting go.
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Now that you have identified some thoughts holding you back
from letting go, consider some ways to reframe those ideas to better
fit with your forward progress.
For example, you can reframe the statement “I am scared it will
happen again,” to “I am scared it will happen again; however, just
because I forgive doesn’t mean I forget. If I do forgive, I can make
sure to set boundaries and take action if it happens again.”

Write some ideas you want to reframe and try to rewrite them in
ways that will encourage your growth, healing, and progress.
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Quotes That Inspire

Sometimes, we might have trouble finding forgiveness in our own
words, so the words of others might help carry us along our journey.
Consider this quotation from an empowering, thoughtful figure.

“To let go does not mean to get rid of. To let go means to
 let be. When we let be with compassion, things come and
go on their own.”

—Jack Kornfield
Is there anything about this quotation that resonates with you? If
so, what speaks to you about it?
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Now, think about a quotation that resonates with you. Write that
quotation in the space that follows and write about why it’s
meaningful to you.

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What Letting Go Doesn’t Mean

If you’re anything like me and many others, you like to jump into the
healing process as soon as possible. However, jumping in too quickly
is one way we avoid our real feelings about a situation and rush to get
over them rather than having to deal with them. Letting go is more of
a process. The following are some examples of what letting go
doesn’t mean.

→ You are okay and have moved on right away.

→ You should sum the situation up to be the other person’s loss and
try to forget about it.

→ You should place the responsibility to make amends on the other

person.

→ You have to force yourself to let go to feel better.

→ You should brush off the situation as being in the past or say, “It’s
not a big deal.”

→ You should focus on what you are grateful for and ignore your
pain.

→ You should declare that you have moved on because you think
you don’t have the time to put into forgiveness.

→ You should say, “It is what it is,” thinking you are over it.

Do any of these responses resonate with you? In the space that

follows, consider what it would mean for you to slow down and let
your forgiveness play out more naturally. How will it deepen your
forgiveness or make it more meaningful and genuine?
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Letting Go of Your Feelings

I can imagine it hasn’t been easy for you to face your pain throughout
this book. Though we know that ignoring our feelings doesn’t allow
us to heal, we also don’t want to be stuck in our pain, unwilling to let
it go. Finding a way to express ourselves in words can give us access
to finally letting go, instead of feeling stuck in our pain.
In the space that follows, write about the hurts you have worked
through in this book. Then, read them aloud and say, “I am ready to
let that go now.”

→ The person/people who hurt me took my _____________________.

→ I am scared that _____________________.

→ The most hurtful part of this was _____________________.

→ I find it hardest to move on from _____________________.

→ The event made me feel _____________________.

Taking Control
If you can’t control how you feel and can’t control others, you can
only control how you respond. If we can’t expect others to be
remorseful and make amends, we are the ones who must take the
initiative in the course of our healing.

How is it that you would like to respond to your feelings?

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What can you do to stop expecting others to change so that you

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Acknowledging Reality
Even if you aren’t fully aware of your progress, writing out your
thoughts, ideas, and emotions in these exercises and prompts
will allow you to accept where you are. It will also keep you
moving toward progress and healing. Some realities are hard to
swallow but are essential to keep in mind as you move toward
letting go. Consider the following acknowledgments of reality
 and how they fit into your forgiveness journey:

→ Someone else’s actions might have caused the pain you

feel; however, your feelings about the situation are yours to
manage and sort out.

→ When you believe that you need someone else to make

amends to let go, you will be focusing on something you
have no control over. You will be stuck, unable to heal, and
waiting for someone else to make a move so that you can
move forward and heal.

→ It isn’t for you to manage and control others’ actions. You

can only manage yourself and your anxiety around the
situation.

Keep these realities and ideas in mind as you work toward

progress. Remember that it’s impossible to learn to manage
feelings you don’t first acknowledge as your own.

Once you focus on what you can control, how can this open up your
life and future possibilities? How will it free you from your past
patterns?
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Not Taking Things Personally

When you acknowledge that what people do and say isn’t personal
and that it’s most likely a reaction to unresolved issues from their
past, you can take it less personally when they act in ways that upset
you. This prompt will spur you to consider how to bring this mindset
actively into your life.

How can you take the actions of others less personally? For
example, the next time someone says or does something that hurts
your feelings, what steps will you take to prevent yourself from
internalizing it?
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Releasing a Painful Memory

Choose a memory from your past that you have had a hard time
letting go of, something someone did to you that hurts when you
think about it. Close your eyes and think, What are my feelings telling
me?
Now consider what this painful experience has taught you about
yourself. How have you grown from it? Take out a piece of paper and
write a letter to yourself. Tell yourself about the emotions the
situation brings up for you. Describe how you wish things had gone
and write about the person you are today because of that situation.
Confront yourself in your letter; let yourself know how that situation
made you feel and what you wish you had done differently.
When the letter is complete, read it aloud to yourself, fold it, and
place it in an envelope. When you’re ready to let that part of your life
go, rip the envelope into tiny pieces. Find a proper way to release the
letter and say to yourself, I am letting this go now. Goodbye.
When the situation tries to come into your mind again in the
future, say to yourself, I’ve let you go. We’ve said our goodbyes. Then,
concentrate your thoughts on the ripped and scattered pieces of
paper and mentally release your pain.

Changing Your Mindset

What you tell yourself about a situation will ultimately determine
whether you’re able to forgive and move on or stay angry. If you
honestly don’t believe that people do things to be evil but think
they’re mostly just unaware of how their actions impact others, it will
significantly influence how you respond to them. People will never
know what you’re thinking or how you feel if you don’t correctly
communicate that with them.
Think about how you communicate and express yourself. Have
you been open and honest with the people in your life? Do the people
who hurt you know how you feel? Hold your answers to these
questions in your mind while responding to the following prompts.

How can you better express and communicate what you are
thinking and feeling?
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How can you give people the benefit of the doubt and not assume
that their intentions are evil?
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Retraining Your Emotional Brain

Intellectually, many of us know that replaying the past over and over
again is a waste of time. We want to move forward and let go. We
aren’t brewing in our pain on purpose. Although our logical self is
aware of the importance of letting go, it doesn’t always seem like our
more emotional parts get the memo. However, letting go isn’t
something that you do once; it’s a continuous process and a
conscious decision you make. By retraining your emotional brain (the
most primitive part of your brain that takes over when you are upset),
you can learn to think more logically, even in your most emotional
moments. This process will help you refocus, decide to let go of each
moment of resentment, and create a sense of release and well-being.

In the space that follows, write your emotional brain’s feelings

about what you want to forgive. Then, write what your logical brain
thinks about it.

Emotional Brain Feelings

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Logical Brain Thoughts
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Once your thoughts are written out, reread each section and
decide which ideas fit more with who you are authentically. More
than likely, you will find it’s your logical brain. Regardless, it’s helpful
to identify the origins of your thoughts and how something makes
you feel.

The Truth of Who You Are

We tend to take things more personally and get more upset with
what others have to say when we aren’t confident in who we are or
truthful with ourselves. The more we know who we are and what we
stand for, the less likely it is that others’ words will impact us deeply.
Often, what people have to say is more of a projection and reflection
of how they feel about themselves. If you know yourself and are
confident in who you are, it’s a lot easier to see that very fact.

In the space that follows, write out some untrue and hurtful things
people have said to you.

1.

2.

3.
4.

5.

6.

Now, cross out the sentences you just wrote and write out the truth
of who you are in the space that follows. For example, if someone
called you “an irresponsible and selfish person,” cross out that
sentence and write the truth about who you are: “I am very
responsible and considerate. Just because I made one mistake
doesn’t mean I am irresponsible and selfish.”

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

Letting Go of Resentments
Holding on to resentments and anger contributes to our sensitivity to
others. Some people aren’t very considerate, others only point out the
negative, and some are naturally critical. Many of us have at least one
such person within our family, friend circle, or workplace. At some
point, we are the ones who have to find the strength to let go of
resentments, work on building ourselves up, and manage our
feelings around others’ thoughtless actions.
Think for a moment and identify something that you are
resenting. Keep that person, issue, or situation in mind while
answering the following questions.

How has this resentment impacted you?

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Are you gaining anything from your resentment?

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What is your part in holding on to the resentment?

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The Process of Letting Go

Letting go is a process that is repeated throughout our lives. When
you let go, it honors the loss, grief, and betrayal you have felt, making
space for your healing. If you repeatedly decide to release yourself
from pain, you will achieve the lasting freedom that forgiveness
provides.
Check off some of the qualities you want to let go of so that you
can forgive, and list others that may come to mind.

☐ My pride

☐ The need to be right

☐ My insecurities

☐ The need to be in control

☐ My passiveness

☐ Holding grudges

☐ Making assumptions and judgments

☐ The need to be perfect

☐ My fear of failure

☐ Self-hatred

☐ _________________________

☐ _________________________

☐ _________________________

☐ _________________________

☐ _________________________

Now, reflect on how you might begin to release some of these

qualities holding you back from your own healing.
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Working Toward the Goal of Letting Go

When it comes to letting go, it’s likely that your emotions will
continue to bubble up, sometimes beneficially but often in frustrating
ways that can pull you back into that stew of resentment. Whenever
your more negative feelings try to pull you back into that place, ask
yourself the following questions.

How are your emotions serving you at this moment?

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Do you need to do something right this second, or can you wait?

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Must you accept that there is nothing you can do right now? Can
you refocus on moving on and letting go?
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Redirecting Your Thoughts

Have you ever noticed that when we are anxious, we are emotionally
beating up either ourselves or others? When we see that we are doing
that, it’s time to decide to be a bit kinder to ourselves and others. If
you notice that you are overly critical in your mind, it’s time to
redirect your thoughts.
When you have decided to move on, try to redirect your thoughts
to be more factual and positive. For example, say, “I am choosing to
learn from my experiences,” “I am letting this go,” “These negative
thoughts are exaggerated because I am upset,” and “I am going to
focus on me now instead of thoughts that don’t serve me.”
Think of some more factual and positive phrases you could say to
yourself when you are going into a negative thinking pattern. In the
first bubble, write some of your more critical thoughts. In the second
bubble, redirect them using more kind, self-compassionate language.
Permitting Yourself to Let Go
Within your forgiveness journey, part of the passage to healing is to
grant yourself the kindness to proceed. Just give yourself permission
to forgive and let go. Let go of the pain. Let go of the disagreement.
Let go of the grief. Let go of the self-hatred. Let go of the blame. This
exercise uses both words and visualization to help get you there.

Write in the following bubbles what you would like to permit

yourself to let go of. Then, imagine that you are releasing them one
by one into the sky.
How light do you feel when imagining letting go of these bubbles?
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Scaling Your Hopefulness

Rate how hopeful you are that you will be able to let go, with 1 being
not hopeful at all and 10 being extremely hopeful.

Process your feelings on hopefulness and explore what it means

within your unique situation. How hopeful are you feeling about
your forgiveness journey?
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If your score is low, write down some thoughtful and practical ways
you can improve your hopefulness level.
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Chapter Takeaways
In this chapter, we discussed the decision to finally release your
anger and resentment. In the end, we choose to either hold on to or
let go of what happened. We let go by

→ becoming more self-aware,

→ making a continuous effort to let go,

→ reframing the situation, and

→ learning to change our thinking.

In the next chapter, we’ll go into detail about the power of

forgiveness, as well as its vital role in our personal growth.

Here, I ask you to consider where you are and where you are
heading in this book.
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EIGHT
Stage 6:
Reflection

R eflection covers the power of forgiveness and its essential role in

our personal growth. This final stage is an opportunity to reflect
on your development so far and think mindfully about how you
would like to move forward.

Mental Health Benefits of Forgiveness

Offering forgiveness to yourself and others helps increase your
feelings of wellness and your sense of self-worth. When you
intentionally practice forgiveness and letting go, it may help
you feel less anxiety, depression, and helplessness.
Be Grateful
Forgiveness is a path toward healing ourselves and our relationships
with others. When we can find a way to forgive, we open ourselves up
to more profound, meaningful connections. When we choose
forgiveness for past offenses, we invite inner peace and close the
door to future triggers from unresolved issues.
My grandfather was a survivor of the Holocaust, a horror that
most of his German Jewish family wasn’t able to survive. By the time I
was born and got to know him, he had created a remarkable,
multifaceted life for himself as a businessman, loving husband,
father, and grandfather. In 2005, he returned to Germany, not with
hate and anger in his heart, but as a way to create a remembrance for
the lives lost in the small town that was once his home. When I asked
him how he was able to do that, he said, “We must always remember
so that it doesn’t happen again, but we also must forgive. I am alive,
and I am grateful. I learned and grew from my experiences, and I am
who I am because of what happened to me.” My grandfather
accepted what happened to him and to his family as part of his story,
no matter how unjust, unfair, and traumatic it was. He was aware of
just how precious life is and of the importance of forgiveness so that
he could move on, no matter how horrible the circumstances.
Whatever our histories, our experiences are ours to interpret and
deal with however we see fit. No one can tell you what is best for you
and how you should handle your pain. This chapter on reflection will
help you live from a place of gratefulness, peace, and intention and
encourage you to be a more compassionate version of yourself.

Determining Your Values and Beliefs

When living with purpose, it’s important to know what values and
beliefs guide you. In this exercise, you will write a belief paper to help
you live life more intentionally. What you write in this paper might
lead you to realize that some of your beliefs aren’t your own. If this is
the case, you’ll have to dig a little deeper to start living based on your
values rather than on what other people tell you to value. Once you
have that down, think about what you consider non-negotiable.
When we know what is non-negotiable, we can set boundaries and be
clearer about what is not okay with us.

Living on Purpose
Often, we believe that if we find the one passion that sparks the
light within us, we will live happily ever after. I prefer to shift the
phrase “finding your purpose” to “living with purpose,” meaning
living an intentional life. Living a life in which everything you do
is an expression of who you are. You do this by making choices
that fit your values and beliefs, not by living in ways you think
will make you happy. Living with meaning and purpose is a
beautiful way to encourage yourself to continue your
forgiveness journey. Forgiveness and resolution allow you to
have a more objective attitude and outlook on life. When you
free yourself from unresolved issues, you have a better chance
to live in your truth and find meaning in everything you do.

To begin, consider what it takes to build principles that will help

you live with more intention. The following are some questions to ask
yourself to assist in developing your belief paper.
1. What are some principles that I strongly believe in? (Example: I
don’t try to push my opinions on others.)

2. Where did these beliefs and principles come from? (Example:

 from my grandparents and religion/faith/belief system)

3. What do I truly value? What’s important to me? (Example: my

family and human connections)

4. What is non-negotiable to me? (Examples: abusive behaviors,

lying, and cheating)

5. Do my actions fall in line with what I genuinely believe is right

for my life? (Example: Not all the time. Sometimes I find myself
putting my job before my kids and pushing my political ideas on
others.)

My Belief Paper
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Responding Intentionally
Intentional people aren’t highly affected by those around them.
Instead, they determine their inner emotional state, operate directly
from it, and find ways to respond to people based on their values and
beliefs. When we respond with intention, we can see how quickly
people change how they interact with us. When we learn to choose
our responses to the world around us more wisely, we create a better
life and more meaningful connections.

How can you respond more intentionally to the people in your life?

(Examples: I can wait and take a deep breath before I answer

someone. I won’t talk to people hastily when I am angry. I will
consider my words carefully before engaging on social media.)
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Developing Emotional Maturity

When we are emotionally mature, we can be part of our environment
and engage in our relationships while remaining in control of our
minds. Even amid others’ emotional reactivity, people with emotional
maturity can think logically. They can navigate tricky situations
using their goals and values as a compass rather than succumbing to
urges to distance themselves or react with anger. They are less
invested in being accepted and more invested in living from their
values authentically.

What does emotional maturity represent to you in your unique

situation?

(Example: It will allow me to engage with friends/family/coworkers

whom I might not always agree with on certain things.)
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How can your emotional maturity help you on your forgiveness
journey?

(Examples: I will be able to think more logically and clearly when

someone says something offensive. I will know others’ behavior is
about them and not me. I will have an easier time letting go.)
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Only You Are Responsible for Your Emotions

Once you’re aware that you’re fully responsible for your emotions,
you can feel and express them without being controlled by them.
Owning your emotions helps you stay guided by what you think is
best and stay focused on what you’re trying to achieve along your
unique journey. Working on forgiveness allows you to be who you
want to be, which includes responding in ways that are beneficial to
your health and everyday functioning. It takes time, though, and
involves lots of practice getting comfortable with your new responses
to the world around you.

Which of your emotions are the most challenging for you to

control?
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How does the world around you respond when you express your
most challenging emotions?
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How can you take ownership of these emotions?

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Acts of Forgiveness
This exercise will help you take note of some of your more recent
difficult experiences and how you handled them. It’s important to be
aware of your progress and positive changes as you continue on this
journey.

In the first column, describe some recent experiences or

encounters that you consider problematic. (Examples: Your mother
was being critical of you, someone cut you in line at the store, or
your child wasn’t listening to you to do their homework.)
In the second column, write out how you handled the situation in a
way that shows you acted with forgiveness, intention, and purpose.

DIFFICULT EXPERIENCES AND EVIDENCE OF PERSONAL

ENCOUNTERS GROWTH
1.
2.
3.
4.

Honoring Your Progress

It’s important to honor yourself by seeing the strength and willpower
it has taken to work on forgiveness. Many of us tend to work on
something and then quickly move on to the next project without
honoring how far we’ve come. I always ask my clients to celebrate
themselves and their progress, paying attention to their growth, no
matter how small they think it is. You have shown resilience and
strength, and that should be honored.

How can you take a moment to honor how far you have come on
this journey? (Examples: I can write out all the progress I have
made, I can take myself out to a celebration dinner, or I can tell a
good friend or family member about my progress.)
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Living Life as a Researcher
Outside of this workbook, consider a practice of living life as a
researcher. Our most sound answers and solutions can come about
when we take life as a research adventure, taking note of what we
observe without judgment and with a researcher’s curiosity. You can
do this when opportunities or situations arise; instead of fixing them
or taking action, observe them.
This will allow you to look at the problem from a more objective
standpoint instead of an emotional one, which will enable you to
make better decisions. When observing a situation, seeing it for what
it is, ask yourself, What would I like to do in response?
Bring this practice into your everyday life as much as possible in
each moment. Take obstacles as an opportunity to check in and ask
yourself who you are and how you want to express yourself.

Reviewing Your Researcher’s Observations

When taking a researcher’s stance in your life, consider what you
have noticed. Your observations will help you reflect on your life and
be more intentional with your choices.

What have you noticed while taking a researcher’s stance?

(Example: I noticed that I am sensitive to critical people, and I

believe that is derived from my critical and strict father.)
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How would you like to change your responses to others?

(Example: I would like to not act out with anger when I hear
something critical. I would rather wait and collect my thoughts
about it. Maybe the person is giving me constructive feedback. I
can think more clearly after I cool off.)
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Delving into Your Self-Esteem

Most people look outside of themselves as a way to boost their self-
esteem. When we look at others to show us who we are, we have a
hard time forgiving ourselves and others. Taking the following quiz
will help you see if you obtain your self-esteem from others or
yourself. Answer honestly, circling each as True or False.

→ I need to be liked by others. True/False

→ I am uncomfortable with confident people. True/False

→ I am a pretty boring person. True/False

→ I do things for others to like me, even when I don’t want to.
True/False

→ I place others’ value before my own. True/False

→ I often seek approval from others more than I listen to myself.

True/False
 → I find that I feel bad about myself more often than I feel good
about myself.
True/False

→ Overall, I don’t feel good enough. True/False

→ I would rather have someone else’s life. True/False

Now, count how many times you marked True and read the
corresponding response.
Between 7 and 9 times: You’re getting your self-esteem from
outside of yourself more than from within yourself. This can affect
your ability to live life with purpose and have fulfilling relationships.
Keep building on your self-esteem by noticing when you seek
approval from others. Try to be more mindful of making decisions
based on yourself and your values.
Between 4 and 6 times: Your self-esteem sometimes comes from
yourself and other times from outside of yourself, depending on the
situation. This can be enough to affect your life negatively. It would
help if you addressed this pattern because it could worsen over time.
Pay attention to your actions and shift your focus from others’ needs
to your own.
Between 0 and 3 times: You are maintaining good relationships,
and your life hasn’t been significantly affected by a lack of self-
esteem. Keep up the excellent work!

Self-Esteem and Forgiveness Connection

You might not be clear about how your self-esteem is connected to
forgiveness. As humans, we are keenly aware of ourselves, and with
that, we have evolved an innate drive to personalize everything.
However, the success of living on purpose happens when we create a
sense of worth that helps us go beyond ourselves. When you have
high self-esteem, you connect with people in a more meaningful and
forgiving way. At that point, you can take others’ actions less
personally.

How does this idea of having higher self-esteem and being more
forgiving resonate with you?

(Examples: I can see that if I personalize things that aren’t about

me, I can be more sensitive. When I feel good about who I am,
others’ actions don’t bother me anymore.)
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From 1 to 10, with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest, rank
how high your self-esteem is. Why do you feel this way?
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Explore one possible way your life might change if you had a higher
self-esteem level.
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Noting the Benefits of Self-Confidence and

Self-Esteem
Being forgiving also helps boost your self-confidence and self-
esteem. When you show kindness and compassion, you feel better
about who you are and your relationships benefit. You feel better
about yourself when you learn to let go of resentments because self-
confidence and self-esteem increase when your ability to resolve
conflict and make meaningful connections increases.

Since working on your forgiveness journey, in what ways have you

seen your self-confidence and self-esteem increase? (Example: I
have been happier with myself and my ability to handle difficult
situations.)
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How Self-Confidence Affects Daily Life

It’s essential to become aware of how your level of self-confidence
affects your daily life. In this exercise, you will become aware of your
self-confidence level and how it impacts you.

Think about your recent interactions with people in your everyday

life and write about an interaction that prompted you to feel bad
about yourself. (For example, did your professor reprimand you for
not following instructions properly, or did your boss send you a
terse response for making a mistake at work?) Write about that
interaction here.
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Now, keeping that interaction keenly in your mind, answer the

following questions.

What feelings were triggered within you?

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Did these feelings come immediately or after thinking about the

interaction?
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Was your feeling triggered by what another person said or did? Or
was the feeling triggered from within you? (Example: I was
triggered from the outside by what my professor or my boss said.)
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When we know the type of interactions that upset us, we can be

more mindful about how we would like to respond and move
forward. We can also better observe how much we rely on others’
opinions to tell us about ourselves.

We May Be the Villain

It’s entirely likely that you have never thought of yourself as the
villain in someone else’s story. Rarely do we realize how our
actions affect the people in our lives. To someone else, you may
be part of their past they want to forget, someone who reminds
them of parts of themselves they hate, or someone who
triggers them in ways they can’t understand.
Realizing you may be the villain in someone else’s narrative
and might even be the one who needs to apologize is mature
and can help in your personal development. When we can see
all points of view and come to a better understanding of how
our actions affect the people in our lives, we become more self-
aware and are able to make positive changes when necessary.
The Idea of Being the Villain in Someone Else’s
Story
It’s a fact of being human: None of us are perfect. We all make
mistakes, whether intentional or unintentional, that affect those
around us in turn. As difficult as it might be, reflect on how you could
be the villain in someone else’s story. Then, answer the following
questions.

How does it impact you to consider that you may be the villain in
someone’s story?
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What thoughts and memories come up for you?

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How does that idea resonate with you? How might you change your
actions or behaviors moving forward to become less of the villain in
another’s story?
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The Power of Perception

Many of our emotions are rooted within our perceptions and
interpretations of our lived events. How we perceive and interpret an
event can be the difference between effectively growing from the
experience or regressing into old, unhelpful patterns. After you read
the following examples, think of a time you interpreted an event
negatively that led to emotional triggers and how you could change
your interpretation of that event. Then, write your own new
interpretations.

Example: I asked my husband to please help put the groceries

away, and he didn't help.

Unhelpful interpretation: “He never listens to me. He ignores me

on purpose so that I have to do it instead of him. He’s so lazy.”

Emotions triggered: frustration, anger, resentment

New interpretation: “He must have a lot on his mind right now or
be on an important call. Let me go check if he is in the middle of
something and tell him more directly that I need extra hands.”

Example:
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Unhelpful interpretation:
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Emotions triggered:
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New interpretation:
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Living in Gratitude
At its heart, gratitude means appreciating what you have, focusing on
the present, and recognizing what you are happy with right now.
Forgiveness entails some gratitude toward the person who wronged
you. When we can see all of the person, not just the wrong they have
done, or even if we can appreciate how they have helped us grow, we
live in gratitude.

How can you remain present in a grateful mindset?

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How can forgiveness and gratefulness play a role in your life?

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What are you grateful for in this process of forgiveness?

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Practicing Gratitude and Forgiveness

When you practice gratitude, you become more open to the idea of
forgiveness and forgiving those who have hurt you. We can practice
gratitude and forgiveness in a few ways. From the following list,
consider how you might like to practice gratitude and forgiveness in
your daily life. If you’d like, place a star or check mark next to the
ones that resonate most with you.

→ Stop replaying the hurt in your mind. It can be hard to stop

revisiting painful memories. However, most of the time, they just
hurt us all over again. We can instead shift our focus toward what
we are thankful for.

→ Think of a time when you were forgiven and appreciated it.

This can remind us that we all make mistakes and how powerful
forgiveness can be for a relationship.

→ Reflect on what you appreciate about the people in your life.

We tend to focus on what we want to change or what we don’t
like about the people in our lives. Instead, try to focus on what
you wouldn’t want to change about them.

→ Consider how you have grown from what happened to you.

The most significant personal growth comes from our
challenging circumstances and relationships. Think about how
you have grown and what you have learned from your
challenging experiences.

If you’d like, write some additional ways that you can practice
gratitude and forgiveness that are unique to your situation.
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Practicing gratitude and forgiveness is difficult when life doesn’t

seem fair. It doesn’t feel natural when we are upset to think about the
good and reach out for kindness. However, over time if we can learn
to practice gratitude in sync with forgiveness, our posture toward life
will be more positive and optimistic.

Living with a Forgiveness Mindset

I am grateful that I have been here with you throughout this
workbook while you process your pain and welcome forgiveness into
your life. I hope you have made a lot of progress that will positively
impact many areas of your life. I hope you are also living freely to
respond to life more openly and compassionately. Take a moment to
reflect on your journey so far and what it will mean to you to live from
a place of forgiveness moving ahead.

What have you found the most useful part of this workbook to be?
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How can you live each day from a more forgiving mindset?
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Remembering Your Opportunities for Growth

As we mature and grow, we notice that a good life isn’t one without
hardships. When living on purpose, in gratefulness, and with
intention and a forgiving heart, we allow the difficulties to work in
our favor instead of letting them push us off course. We don’t shy
away from the struggles in life but instead see them as opportunities
to grow into who we are. When someone wrongs you, it says more
about them than it does about you. Don’t allow others’ actions to take
the good out of you. Rise to your circumstances and lead by example.

Look through this workbook and highlight the sections that

resonated with you the most. In the space that follows, write the
main lessons you want to take with you into your daily life.
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Chapter Takeaways
In this chapter, you reflected on your growth and how far you have
come on your forgiveness journey. You worked on living on purpose,
determining your values and principles, boosting your self-esteem,
living as a researcher, and practicing gratefulness. Here, you learned
the following:

→ Living with purpose is living an intentional life.

→ We live with intention when we live by our values and principles.

→ High self-esteem and self-worth, forgiveness, and a grateful

mindset will help you better cope when someone hurts you.

In the next chapter, we’ll discuss your future and how your
forgiveness journey will continue.

Reflect on where you are on your forgiveness journey and where

you’re heading.
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NINE
The Journey
Continues

T his final chapter will cover the path you have ahead of you. Your
forgiveness journey continues; in fact, it never ends. People will
inevitably hurt and disappoint you, and the past’s pain might
resurface in unexpected ways. However, with the skills and exercises
you’ve worked on throughout these pages, you have learned useful
and healthy ways to cope when that happens.

Living with Purpose and Meaning

Forgiveness and extending love are great for your mind and
body. Results from a forgiveness study by researchers at the
University of Wisconsin showed that people who can forgive
have more control over their emotions. They are also much less
upset, resentful, unhealthy, and angry than those who don’t
forgive.
MOVING FORWARD
Know that even though you have completed this workbook, it isn’t
the end of your journey. However, you have chosen a forgiving and
loving road to follow from now on, one that allows you to practice
empathy and kindness and to live from an authentic place centered
on your values and beliefs. This is an empowering life, aligned and
more in touch with who you are and what you have control over. As it
always has been, it is in your power to change the next chapter of
your story. By consciously living this way, we can live by example
and not allow others’ actions to take away who we are from us.
When I was bullied in middle school, I had no control over how
others decided to treat me. As a way to endure it, sitting in my own
anger with no clear way of expressing it, I dreamed of the day my
bullies would get what they deserved. While it wasn’t the healthiest
route to take, as a child it gave me a sense of control over my
circumstances, a way out of my pain. I know the day of seeing your
bully as hurt as you are doesn’t come for everyone, but in time, I saw
my bullies go through their own versions of hurt. I realized that the
idea of revenge, of holding on to anger, isn’t a real solution. It keeps
you stuck and focused on others’ actions, separated from your true
self and your genuine healing.
The thing is, you still have to deal with your emotions when you’re
hurt and find better ways to cope when something terrible happens.
Later in life, I found out that my bullies had complicated family lives.
Picking on me was their misguided way of grieving and releasing
their anxiety and pain. It doesn’t make what they did okay; however,
in that light, it is more understandable. Had I not found it in my heart
to forgive and offer compassion, maybe I would have continued the
cycle or been stuck focusing on anger instead of learning how to deal
with my emotions. When I saw how useless real revenge was, I
decided to forgive and move forward. I embraced what I could
control and healed even more fully for it.
A Sense of Hope
In the end, I hope you didn’t embark on the challenging process and
journey of forgiveness for anyone else’s benefit but your own. By
opening yourself up to forgiveness, you allow your past to remain in
the past and let yourself live in the present, to enjoy life and have
hope in a better future. When you let yourself release anger, anxiety,
and resentment, you allow the sense of hope to take control over your
life. There’s nothing like living in that hope for a better future,
trusting that you can get through anything and living in your own
loving presence. You don’t even have to take my word for it; pay
attention to your personal experience. You might see that you feel
much better, happier, and fulfilled when you act in ways that align
with your values. It isn’t always the more comfortable thing to do at
first; however, it is the best thing we can do for our relationships and
ourselves in the long run.

Thriving in Compassion and Healing

In this final prompt, consider all of the progress you have made and
what actions you would like to continue in order to live from that
place of compassion and healing as you move forward.

What progress have you made?

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Moving forward, what actions would you like to continue?

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How can you be a beacon for forgiveness for yourself and for
others in your life?
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RESOURCES

The following are some useful sources to help you continue your
journey.

Websites
PerfectApology.com

RadicalForgiveness.com

TheForgivenessProject.com

Podcasts
The Gift of Forgiveness

The Power of Forgiveness with Dwayne Staten

True Forgiveness Teachings

Books
Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts
by Harriet Lerner, PhD

Forgiving What You Can’t Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make
Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again
by Lysa TerKeurst

The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and
Our World
by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu
Radical Forgiveness: A Revolutionary Five-Stage Process to Heal
Relationships, Let Go of Anger and Blame, and Find Peace in Any
Situation
by Colin Tipping

Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger

and Restoring Hope
by Robert D. Enright, PhD
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I spent some time worrying that I wouldn’t be able to make the

deadlines for this book. However, to my surprise, I completed the
process and I am delighted with the outcome. I am grateful to my
husband for being supportive and picking up my slack around the
house and with our daughters, so that I could write. I am thankful to
my family and friends, who are always excited and encouraging of
my books and work. I am appreciative of the Callisto team’s
professionalism and work ethic. Your support helped make the
writing process feel easy. Last but not least, thank you to my clients
for sharing your stories with me, allowing me to be part of your
growth and development.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ilene S. Cohen, PhD, is a psychotherapist,

author, and mother of two animated young girls. She is
one of the most respected voices in the psychology of people-
pleasing and navigating the difficulty of living an intentional life
while trying to maintain fulfilling relationships. She is the author of
five books, all of which have received awards and five-star ratings
from her readers. Her books and therapy practice are fueled by a
passion for helping people achieve their goals, build a strong sense of
self, and lead fulfilling and meaningful lives. As president of her
family’s foundation, Dr. Ilene oversees various initiatives geared
toward creating better opportunities for those in need. To contact Dr.
Ilene directly, you can visit her website, DoctorIlene.com.