One Night at the Duchess

A Comedy

by
Nathan Hartman

Nathan Hartman
nathan@nathanhartman.com
260-692-2057
nathanhartman.com
CHARACTER NAME BRIEF DESCRIPTION AGE GENDER

FELIX BANNISTER The third shift front desk manager 28 Male

at “The Duchess Hotel.”

STANLEY HOBSON The third shift bellhop at “The 25 Male

Duchess Hotel.”

SARA HAPGOOD The fist shift waitress at “The 30 Female

Duchess Hotel.”

LOUIE SEGAL A gangster. 51 Male

MAX COSTELLO A fellow gangster. 44 Male

DANNY BELLOWS A diamond thief. 42 Male

D.A. HAROLD CONRAD The District Attorney for New 51 Male

York City.

APRIL MASTERS D.A. Conrad’s mistress. 31 Female

SAM “SPUD” WILDER A reporter. 28 Male

SISTER MARY MATTHEWS An elderly nun. 58 Female

FINESSE LAUTREC Drag queen performer at “The 46 Male

Duchess Hotel.”

MONTGOMERY CRICK A salesman with OCD. 68 Male

GABRIEL MANKIEWICZ Hotel Owner 51 Male

 SCENES

ACT I

A late evening, in September.

The entire action takes place in “The Duchess Hotel” in New York City. The time, present.
The lobby of “The Duchess Hotel”.
Though art deco and old, it has stood
the test of time, refining with age.

Right center is the front entrance to

the hotel, a pair of glass doors
leading out to a New York City street.
Upstage rests a large half circle
reception desk, its ends connecting
between the right and back walls. The
desk’s only entrance, a swinging wooden
gate, connects the desk to the right
wall. Beside the gate, sits a large
lobby trash can, its bag halfway full,
while farther downstage, a pair of
leather reception chairs rest, angled
towards the audience.

Next to the desk, at upstage center, is

an elevator, its silver doors looked
down on by a floor indicator dial,
spanning from the lobby to the
twentieth floor. At upstage left, a
small alcove is created by a staircase,
which begins at left center and
inclines upstage until creating a
landing at the back wall that runs to
another staircase at the right wing.
Downstage on the left wall, close to
the feet of the stairs, is a curtained
back doorway to “The Blue Parrot
Restaurant,” which an overhead neon
sign states. Beside the restaurant’s
entrance, a sandwich board reads,"AT
THE BLUE PARROT ONLY! AN ENCORE
PERFORMANCE - DRAG QUEEN DIVA, FINESSE
LAUTREC!"

The time is the present-a little after

six on a September evening. As curtain
rises, SISTER MARY MATTHEWS, a Nun, 64,
enters through the front doors, lugging
a large black steamer trunk and holding
a night bag under her arm. She
struggles to get the trunk through the
doors and then moves to the hotel desk,
where a bell sits next to a sign
reading, “DESK UNATTENDED - RING BELL
FOR SERVICE”. She hits the bell but
there’s no ring-it’s broken. She tries
again-nothing. She turns the bell over
and shakes it before hitting its top
again repeatedly- nothing.
 2

GABRIEL MANKIEWICZ, 51, walks out of

the restaurant doorway wearing the
traditional Jewish prayer outfit of a
kippah on his head and a prayer shaw.
He sees SISTER MARY and walks over to
her.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Can I help?

(SISTER MARY turns and notices

MANKIEWICZ's kippah. An awkward
pause.)

SISTER MARY
I'm not sure.

(MANKIEWICZ takes off his kippah

and sticks out his hand.)

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Gabe Mankiewicz- hotel manger.

(SISTER MARY shakes his hand.)

SISTER MARY
Ah, Sister Mary Matthews. It’s this bell. I’m afraid it won’t
ring.

(MANKIEWICZ takes the bell and

gives it a hit-nothing. He moves
behind the desk, putting the
“DESK UNATTENDED" sign down.)

MR. MANKIEWICZ
My apologizes. I hope you haven’t been waiting long.

SISTER MARY
Not at all. Though, I assumed there would be someone to help
me when I arrived.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
And there should be. My second shift must be running late.
Who know’s where the hell he is. Oh, forgive me sister.

SISTER MARY
Sorry?

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Nothing...nothing at all. Well, welcome to the Duchess Hotel.
How can I help?
 3

SISTER MARY
I have a reservation.

(MANKIEWICZ moves to the desk

computer and begins to type.)

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Sister Mary Matthews...of "Saint Michael's Cathedral of His
Immaculate Glory?”

SISTER MARRY
That would be the one.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
I see. My people usually just call it temple. Ah, there you
are. Yes, we have a prepaid room for you in 318. That’s the
third floor on the West side. Will that do?

SISTER MARY
It should be more than adequate. I’ll only be staying the
night.

(MANKIEWICZ hands SISTER MARY a

form and pen.)

MR. MANKIEWICZ
All right then, just fill this out here, here, and here, and
sign on the bottom.

(SISTER MARY begins signing.)

So what brings you to the area?

SISTER MARY
I’m visiting my sister.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Oh...I see...now is that a sister sister or another...never
mind.

(SISTER MARY hands the form back.)

Wonderful, you’re all set.

(MANKIEWICZ gives her a room key,

the plastic card kind.)
Now we do provide wake up calls and rooms service at all
times. Also, if you feel led, we have a restaurant here in
the hotel.

(MANKIEWICZ points to “The Blue

Parrot” entrance.)

SISTER MARY
The Blue Parrot.
 4

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Yes, and today’s your lucky day. Tonight, Finesse Lautrec
delivers a final encore performance.

SISTER MARY
Finesse Lautrec?

MR. MANKIEWICZ
The finest drag queen in the country. Should I reserve you
table?

(SISTER MARY stares at MANKIEWICZ

blankly.)
I suppose not. Let me call you some help for your bags.

(MANKIEWICZ hits the desk bell-it

doesn’t work.)
Oy vey iz mire...Stanley! Stanley!

(STANLEY HOBSON, a lanky 25 year-

old bellboy in full uniform and
cap, enters from the stage right
landing.)

STANLEY
Yes, boss!

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Would you get down here and help this fine guest with her
bags?

STANLEY
Sure thing.

(STANLEY heads down the stairs

and, halfway down, stumbles,
catching himself on the rail just
before falling. SISTER MARY
gasps.)

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Don’t worry. He always catches himself.

(STANLEY walks to the desk.)

STANLEY
Mr. Mankiewicz, did you see? I almost made it all the way
down that time.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
I saw, I saw. Stanley, I thought I told you to replace the
old desk bell with that new one.
 5

STANLEY
I did.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
No, you didn’t.

STANLEY
I didn’t?

MR. MANKIEWICZ
You didn’t.

STANLEY
(To SISTER MARY)
Did I?

SISTER MARY
Well, I really wouldn’t know.

(STANLEY hits the bell-no ring)

STANLEY
Oh...I guess I didn’t.

(STANLEY tries to hit the bell

again but MANKIEWICZ grabs it.)

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Where is the replacement!

(STANLEY pats himself down)

STANLEY
Gee, I don’t know. I thought I had it in my...oh that’s
right!

(STANLEY takes off his bellboy

pillbox hat and, sitting on top
of his head, is the new desk
bell.)
There it is.

(STANLEY takes the bell off his

head, sets it on the desk, and
give it a hit-it rings.)
Good as new and ringing true. Anything else?

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Where is Felix?

STANLEY
Oh, I don't know.
 6

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Well, I can't be watching the desk. I'm late for the cathed--
er...temple as is.

STANLEY
Well, Barbara had to leave right at six so I told her I’d
watch the desk till he showed up.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Then why haven’t you been?!

STANLEY
Well, Mr. Crick checked in to 519 and I had to help him with
his bags, but I was also watching the desk and, as you can
see, those two rather conflict when being done by the same
person so I--

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Will you please help Sister Mary here up to 318! She has a
night bag and that trunk over there.

STANLEY
Right.

SISTER MARY
Would it be possible for me leave the trunk down here for the
night? With leaving so early in the morning, the less I have
to mess with it the better. But only if it’s no trouble.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Oh, no trouble at all. Stanley, move the trunk under the
stairs after you help the good Sister to her room.

STANLEY
Yes, boss.

(MANKIEWICZ moves to the trash can

and throws the old bell away.)

MR. MANKIEWICZ
And dump the lobby trash can when you get a chance, it’s
getting full.

STANLEY
You got it.
(To SISTER MARY.)
Well, if you’ll follow me, I’ll show you to your room.

(STANLEY and SISTER MARY move to

elevator. STANLEY hits the call
button and the elevator opens.
They walk in.)
By the way, I like your headpiece. Real stylish.
 7

SISTER MARY
It’s a habit.

STANLEY
Well, style’s a good habit to have.

(The elevator closes. From the

front doors, FELIX BANNISTER, 28,
enters, running up to the desk.)

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Where the hell have you been?

FELIX
I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I tried to--

MR. MANKIEWICZ
I don’t want excuses! This is the third time this week and
now you've made me late to temple!

FELIX
I’m sor--

MR. MANKIEWICZ
What did I say about excuses! If anybody else pulled a stunt
like this I’d fire their tuches. And don’t think that just
because I promised your mother, God rest her soul, that I
won’t do the same to you!

FELIX
I’m sorry Uncle Gabe.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Felix! How many times have I told you? When you’re at work
it’s Mr. Mankiewicz. Mr. Mankiewicz!

FELIX
You’re right. I’m sorry Uncle Mankiewicz.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Mr. Mankiewicz!

FELIX
Mr. Mankiewicz! I’m sorry Uncle--Mister! Mr. Mankiewicz.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Fine. Well, don’t let it happen again. I'm shvitzing enough
tonight as is. You know my buddy down at the Times?

FELIX
Yeah.
 8

MR. MANKIEWICZ
He called this morning. It looks like the Redheaded Critic
will be checking in tonight.

FELIX
The Redheaded Critic!

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Stay calm. New York’s most elusive hotel critic could be
breathing down our necks this very minute and we wouldn't
even know it.

(MANKIEWICZ and FELIX look

around.) )

FELIX
Any idea who it is?

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Any idea? All anybody knows about him is his hair. Red like
fire they say! Even his own newspaper has never seen his
face.

FELIX
I thought that was just a legend.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
They get his reviews in the mail.

(FELIX lets out a low whistle.)

FELIX
We’re in trouble.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
With that kind of attitude we are. We're gonna have to step
up our game! We’ve got to stay focused!

(FELIX picks up the bell.)

FELIX
Hey, is this a new desk bell?

(MANKIEWICZ grabs the bell from

FELIX. STANLEY appears on the
landing, stopping to watch the
action below.)

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Now listen up! Mr...eh...Miss. Lautrec is almost done with
rehearsal for tonight’s show. I need you to make sure
he...eh...she doesn’t leave the hotel.
 9

We’ve got a whole group of Japanese businessmen who are

almost giddy with excitement about tonight and, with this
shadow of a critic lurking in every corner, we certainly
don’t need a repeat of last year now do we?

(MANKIEWICZ takes FELIX head into

his hands.)

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Felix, this is it-your last chance. If this guy fails us in
his next column, nephew of mine or not, you’ll be out of a
job before the paperboy finishes his route. Understood?

FELIX
Yes, Uncle.

(MANKIEWICZ sighs.)

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Mr. Mankiewicz.

(MANKIEWICZ, puts his kippah on

his head and moves for the front
doors.)
Now you know where to find me if there’s trouble but, for the
love of HaShem Felix, don’t let there be.

(STANLEY begins down the stairs.)

STANLEY
Don’t worry boss. We’ve got it covered. Between us,
everything’ll be smooth sailing.

(STANLEY stumbles half way down

the stairs, but catches himself.
MANKIEWICZ rolls his eyes exits.
STANLEY moves to FELIX.)

STANLEY
Still nervous about that leadheaded critic is he?

(FELIX picks up a bottle of

cleaner and a rag from behind the
desk and begins to dust the
lobby.)

FELIX
Redheaded and I think that would be an understatement.

STANLEY
Well, irritable then.

FELIX
He’s always irritable.
 10

STANLEY
Yeah, but more than usual. Earlier he was yelling and two
veins popped out of his forehead instead of the usual one.

(FELIX says nothing-just cleans.)

You all right?

FELIX
Yeah...no...yeah...maybe. It’s just been a rough
day...week...month. I woke up late this morning and missed
the subway...twice.

STANLEY
That is a rough.

(STANLEY moves SISTER MARY’S trunk

under the stairs.)

FELIX
And my goldfish died.

STANLEY
What? Ahab? Ah, I really liked that fish. Was there a proper
burial?

FELIX
Two flushes.

STANLEY
Well, the day couldn’t have been a total loss. Did you talk
to Sara?

(FELIX shakes his head.)

FELIX
She must of left before I got here. It doesn’t matter anyway.
Even if I did ask her out, I can’t think of a single reason
why she’d say yes.

STANLEY
Now, what kind of talk is that?

FELIX
The practical kind.

(STANLEY moves to FELIX.)

STANLEY
Practical shmakticle. You know, I almost think you’ve been
late the last couple of days just so you can ignore asking
her. Like it’s a subconscious thing or something.
 11

FELIX
Well, maybe my subconscious is smart enough to know a second
shift desk clerk and a first shift hotel waitress just aren’t
meant to be.

STANLEY
Well, I’ve always considered you first shift material.

(FELIX puts the cleaning bottle

and rag back under the desk as
SARA HAPGOOD, 27 and pretty,
walks in from the “Blue Parrot”
and up behind Felix)

FELIX
Thanks buddy. It’s just so hard to find someone else who’s
that fun...interesting...intelligent...beautiful--

STANLEY
Uh, Felix--

FELIX
Graceful...witty...someone who has always got your back. You
know what I mean?

SARA
I think so.

(FELIX turns and double takes at

SARA, giving a shout of
surprise.)
Geez, Felix, kind of jumpy tonight aren’t we? Hey, Stanley.

STANLEY
Hey, Sara.

SARA
So what’s going on?

STANLEY
Well--

FELIX
Nobody! Eh...I mean nothing! Nothing. What are you still
doing here?

SARA
Nice to see you too.

FELIX
No, I mean, shouldn’t you be done with your shift by now?
 12

SARA
Not tonight. With that critic staying, your Uncle wanted
extra help and I asked if I could work a double. So it looks
like I’m getting both time and a half and a chance to hang
out with you two lugs all night long. Should be fun, like old
times.

FELIX
Yeah...fun.

STANLEY
And interesting...intelligent...beaut--

FELIX
Didn’t you say you had something to go do?

(FELIX glares at STANLEY.)

STANLEY
Oh...you’re right, I should...go and do that...something.

(STANLEY exits into the “Blue

Parrot”.)

SARA
Gosh, it’s been so long since I worked second. You guys still
go for drinks at O’Malley’s afterwards?

FELIX
Not as often as we used to.

SARA
Ah. Well...I should get back to the kitchen. See ya around
tonight?

FELIX
Yeah, sure.

(SARA moves for the “Blue Parrot”.

FELIX puts up the desk bell sign
and catches up to SARA.)
Actually, it’s funny that you mention O’Malley’s.

SARA
Yeah?

(From the front entrance, District

Attorney HAROLD CONRAD, 51, and
APRIL MASTERS, 31, enter- he
carrying a suitcase and a black
briefcase while she holds two
pink suitcases. They move to the
front desk.)
 13

FELIX
Yeah. Um...well I...uh...I was uh...what are we talking
about?

(SARA chuckles.)

SARA
O’Malley’s.

FELIX
Right...well, I was wondering if--

(CONRAD, sets his briefcase down

and rings the desk bell.)
...if--

(CONRAD rings twice.)

SARA
I think we’ve got company.

FELIX
Well, they can wait a...

(CONRAD rings again.)

SARA
Don’t worry about it. They’re probably missing me in the
kitchen anyway. We’ll talk later.

FELIX
Later...right.

SARA
See ya Felix.

FELIX
Yeah...see ya.

(SARA exits through the restaurant

doorway and FELIX watches her go.
CONRAD rings bell again. FELIX
moves behind the desk.)
Welcome to the Duchess Hotel. How can I help you?

CONRAD
A room for the night.

FELIX
Very well. And your name?

CONRAD
Brown...Walter Brown.
 14

APRIL
We’ve stayed here many times.

(FELIX types on the desk

computer.)

FELIX
Ah yes, Mr. Brown, that’s right, here you are. And how will
you be paying this evening?

(CONRAD looks around nervously.)

Mr. Brown?

(APRIL nudges CONRAD.)

CONRAD
Yes, right...sorry. With cash. The usual room if you have it.

FELIX
All right, well that comes to...$156.40 after taxes.

CONRAD
Fine.

(CONRAD reaches into wallet and

hands a stack of bills to FELIX.)

FELIX
All right, one moment.

(FELIX makes change.)

So what brings you two back our way?

CONRAD APRIL
Business. Pleasure.

FELIX
I see...here you are.

(FELIX hands CONRAD back his

change.)
Now give me just a moment and I’ll have everything ready.

(FELIX moves to another area of

the desk and makes room keys.
CONRAD and APRIL move downstage.)

APRIL
Geez pookie, you don’t look so good.

CONRAD
I’m fine. I’m fine. And don’t call me pookie.
 15

APRIL
What’s wrong with pookie?

CONRAD
It makes me sound like I should be on a leash.

APRIL
Well, just wait till we get up to the room.

CONRAD
Now, cut that out.

APRIL
Geez.

CONRAD
I’m sorry, it’s just the--

APRIL
Election...I know, I know.

CONRAD
With my face plastered on billboards everywhere in the city,
I just think our little rendezvous might attract more
attention than usual. And if my wife--

(APRIL puts her finger to CONRAD’S

lips.)

APRIL
For tonight, it’s just you and me; Mr. and Mrs. Walter Brown.
Wait till November to worry about being District Attorney
Harold Conrad.

CONRAD
Shhh! Somebody could hear. Besides, who says I want to be
District Attor...that anymore.

APRIL
Well, tell that to your wife...and the billboard signs, and
the TV commercials and the--

CONRAD
All right, I get the point.

(FELIX comes to the front of the

desk holding two keys and a form.
CONRAD and APRIL move back to the
desk)

FELIX
There we are. The usual room, 218. Now, I’ll just need you to
fill out this form, here, here, and here and sign on the
bottom.
 16

(As CONRAD fills out the form,

STANLEY enters from the “Blue
Parrot” and moves up to APRIL.)

STANLEY
Evening, Mrs. Brown. Always good to see you.

APRIL
Likewise.

(STANLEY points to the luggage.)

STANLEY
May I?

APIRL
Well, I don’t see why not--

CONRAD
No, no. That won’t be necessary. We’ll take care of it from
here.

(CONRAD finishes the form and

picks up his and APRIL’S
suitcases, leaving his briefcase
by the desk.)

STANLEY
Well, then...have a good night.

FELIX
And thank you for staying with us.

(CONRAD nods to FELIX and moves

with APRIL to the elevator. APRIL
presses the call button.)

APRIL
Why couldn’t the nice bellhop take our bags pookie?

CONRAD
Because the more time we spend with the nice bellhop the more
he remembers this.

(CONRAD circles his face with his

finger.)

APRIL
Well, I like this.

(APRIL circles CONRAD’S face with

her finger. The elevator doors
open.)
 17

CONRAD
You’re cute.

APRIL
I know.

(They enter the elevator.)

CONRAD
And don’t call me pookie.

(APRIL giggles and the elevator

closes.)

STANLEY
(To FELIX)
So, do you think they know that we know?

FELIX
I don’t think so. Every time they come in, I play it cool. I
mean, Mr. Brown? You’d think a District Attorney could get a
little bit more creative.

(STANLEY puts his hand up as if

holding a microphone.)

STANLEY
So, will the candidate’s lack of imagination affect how you
vote this November?

(STANLEY holds his “microphone”

out to FELIX.)

FELIX
I don’t think so. In the end, it’s fairly obvious where his
interests lie.

STANLEY
And are you at all concerned with his positions on the
issues?

FELIX
No, I believe he’s very interested in positions.

(STANLEY sees CONRAD’S briefcase

and picks it up.)

STANLEY
Well, speaking of the... Should I take it up?

FELIX
Nah. Let’em come down for it. I have a feeling those two
don’t want to be disturbed.
 18

(STANLEY hands the briefcase to

FELIX and he puts it behind the
desk.)

STANLEY
So, in other news...

(STANLEY holds up his “microphone”

again to FELIX.)
...what happened with Sara?

(FELIX pushes the “microphone”

down.)

FELIX
Nothing.

STANLEY
Nothing? What do you mean nothing?

FELIX
I mean nothing.

STANLEY
Did she say no?

FELIX
No.

STANLEY
Then what happened?

FELIX
Nothing! I was going to ask her but “Mr. and Mrs. Brown”
checked in and I lost the moment. Besides, things will work
out when the moment is right. You can’t rush things like
this.

STANLEY
But you’ll never find a moment right enough to be the “right
moment”. Sometimes, you’ve just got to find that special
someone, take them by the hand, pull them close, and just let
it all out!

FELIX
Where did you get such a ridiculous idea?

STANLEY
The movies.

FELIX
Yeah, I don’t think so.
 19

STANLEY
Oh come on!

FELIX
No thank you. My life has enough drama in it as is.

(From the “Blue Parrot,” FINESSE

LAUTREC, a 46 year-old man
dressed in the most flamboyant of
woman’s clothes, bursts in.)

FINESSE
Well, hello boys!

FELIX
I spoke too soon.

STANLEY
Evening Miss. Lautrec, how was practice?

FINESSE
It was divine Stanley my boy, simply divine. The crowd will
be eating out of my hand this evening...or even better eating
out of my--

FELIX
Are you packed and ready to leave?

FINESSE
Pardon?

FELIX
You’re going to have to take off right after the show if
you’re going to catch your flight.

FINESSE
Yes, yes, yes, I know, I know, I know. My trunk’s upstairs.

FELIX
And you’re all packed and ready?

FINESSE
Brother you bet...and so’s the trunk.

(FELIX rolls his eyes.)

FELIX
Stanley, go ahead and bring the lady’s things down.

STANLEY
You got it.

(STANLEY exits into the elevator.)

 20

FELIX
We’ll store them down here to make your exit as easy...and
quick as possible.

FINESSE
Wonderful. Now, since everything’s arranged, I have a little
goodbye soiree I simply must attend.

(FINESSE moves for the front door

but FELIX blocks his path.)

FELIX
And where exactly is this party?

FINESSE
The Red Rock Lounge...and O’Malley’s...and the Martini House
and--

FELIX
A little goodbye soiree?

FINESSE
A little soiree, but a long goodbye.

FELIX
Need I remind you what happened last year?

FINESSE
So I had a few too many.

FELIX
A few? You did your show in men’s clothes!

FINESSE
That was quite the unique experience. Honestly, I hadn’t wore
pants since high school. But Felix darling, don’t you worry.
I’ll be back in plenty of time for the show with all my wits
about me. I can’t let down all those Japanese now can I?

(FINESSE moves towards the front

door.)

FELIX
But Uncle...eh...Mr. Mankiewicz. He said--

FINESSE
Nothing that will stop me from going. Now sweetie, don’t get
your panties in a knot over this. Believe me, it’s no fun.

(FINESSE adjusts his crotch.)

Au revoir!
 21

(As FINESSE exits and FELIX goes

back to the desk, SARA enters
from “The Blue Parrot,” holding a
serving tray with a sandwich. At
the same time, MONTGOMERY CRICK,
68 and donning a bowler hat,
walks out of the elevator holding
a book and trench coat in one
hand and a black suitcase in the
other. He crosses paths with
SARA.)

CRICK
Excuse me.

SARA
Oh, no trouble.

(CRICK moves downstage and sits in

a reception chair, setting his
suitcase on his left side and
draping the trench coat over it.
He opens his book to read as SARA
moves to FELIX.)

FELIX
Back again so soon?

SARA
Well, I just can’t get enough of you.

FELIX
I bet you tell that to all the desk clerks.

(SARA holds out the tray.)

SARA
A Mr. Patterson called down for a ham on rye but didn’t say
which room.

(FELIX types on the computer.)

FELIX
Ah, here we go, 367.

SARA
Right. Thanks Felix.

FELIX
No problem.

(SARA walks to the elevator,

pressing the call button.
 22

FELIX puts up the “Unattended”

sign and follows her.)
So, how’s it going getting back into the old second shift
swing of things?

(From the lobby door, DANNY

BELLOWS, 42, nervously enters,
holding a black suitcase and
rolling a large steamer trunk. He
moves to the desk, looking over
his shoulders.)

SARA
Not so bad. The guests are certainly hungrier. Keeps me on my
toes.

FELIX
Ah, speaking of that--

SARA
My toes?

FELIX
No, no...hunger. Anyway, I was wondering if...

(DANNY dings the desk bell.)

...if...

(The elevator doors open.)

...if we could chat more later.

(SARA chuckles, enters the

elevator, and points up.)

SARA
367?

FELIX
367.

(The elevator doors close. DANNY

dings the bell twice. FELIX moves
behind the desk.)
Welcome to the Duchess Hotel. How can I help you?

DANNY
(Nervously)
Yeah, I need a room.

FELIX
Okay, well we have several different kinds of--
 23

DANNY
It doesn’t matter, whatever’s cheapest. I’m leaving in the
morning.

FELIX
All right then.

DANNY
Is there a shuttle to the airport?

FELIX
At the top of every hour. Meets out front.

DANNY
Fine.

(FELIX types on the computer.)

FELIX
Name please.

DANNY
Bellows...Danny

FELIX
Address?

DANNY
I’m currently...in the process of moving.

FELIX
Okay then. I can get you a Queen size bed on the fourth
floor. Will that do?

DANNY
Fine.

(The elevator opens and STANLEY

enters with FINESSE’S trunk,
setting it over by SISTER
MARY’S.)

FELIX
And how will you be paying for--

DANNY
Credit card.

(DANNY pulls his credit card from

his wallet and hands it to FELIX,
who gives him a pen and form.)
Now, if you could just fill this out here, here, and here and
sign on the bottom.
 24

(STANLEY walks up the desk.)

Stanley, will you take Mr. Bellows bags up to 456?

STANLEY
All righty.

(STANLEY taps DANNY’S trunk and

the latch snaps up, opening the
trunk’s lid.)
Oops.

DANNY
Yeah, the latch is busted. You’ll have to be careful with
that.

(DANNY shuts the trunk.)

STANLEY
Sorry. And your suitcase?

(STANLEY reaches for it but DANNY

pulls away.)

DANNY
No!...I mean...I’ll hold onto it.

(STANLEY wheels the trunk into the

elevator and exits. DANNY hands
the form back to FELIX.)

FELIX
Should only be a minute.

DANNY
Fine.

(FELIX turns to another part of

the desk, working on new keys.
DANNY moves to the reception
seats and stands nervously beside
CRICK’S chair. His feet rest on
the edge of CRICK’S trench coat.
CRICK notices.)

CRICK
Um...excuse me...excuse me...

(DANNY looks down at CRICK.)

...you’re standing on my coat.

DANNY
What?
 25

CRICK
You’re standing on my--

(DANNY notices the coat.)

DANNY
Oh, right. Sorry.

(DANNY moves off the coat and

CRICK picks it up, examining the
stepped on spot.)

CRICK
No, no. It’s all right I’m sure it’s...oh...

DANNY
What is it?

CRICK
I’m afraid there is a bit of a spot.

(DANNY looks at the coat.)

DANNY
I don’t see anything.

CRICK
Right there.

DANNY
I still don’t see any--

CRICK
You must be looking in the wrong place. Right here.

(CRICK points to the same area

DANNY is looking.)
See the fibers have been imprinted with the bottom of your
shoe. Looks like dirt or some sort of street gunk.

(CRICK begins breathing heavy-

wheezing just a bit.) )
Oh, it’s worse than I imagined.

DANNY
Hey mister, are you alright?

(CRICK can’t catch his breath. He

inhales deeper and deeper.)
 26

CRICK
Oh yes...I’ll...be...fine. I just need...my pills.

(CRICK points frantically to his

trench coat.)

CRICK
--Coat...pocket.

(DANNY reaches into the trench

coat and pulls out a medicine
bottle. He opens it and Crick
takes the bottle, downing two
pills. He begins to calm, his
wheezing finally ceasing.)

CRICK
Oh, thank you...much better. Forgive me. I just get worked up
over these sorts of things. Dirt on clothes, trash spills,
mismatching socks. I’m a bit of a neat freak.

(CRICK puts the pills back, pulls

out a magnifying glass, and he
begins looking at the spot.)

DANNY
(To himself)
You’re a bit of a something.

CRICK
I’m sorry?

DANNY
Nothing.

CRICK
You see, a nervous disposition runs in my family. On top of
that, the Doctor says all my traveling exerts the old ticker.
That’s what the pills are for. I really should be more
careful about it all but...oh I think the spot is setting.

(CRICK puts the magnifying glass

down and grabs his suitcase,
opening it.)

DANNY
What are ya--

CRICK
It’s my emergency case. I carry it at all times just for
moments like these. I should have something in here that will
help the stain rise. Ah, here we are.
 27

(CRICK pulls out a small spray

bottle and sets the case, the lid
still open, on the ground. DANNY
looks down at it as CRICK sprays
the “spot” on his trench coat.)

DANNY
Geez, you got everything in here...sponges, towels, bleach...

(DANNY reaches down and pulls a

frying pan from the case.)
...a frying pan?

CRICK
It’s when I go to restaurants. For the cook.

DANNY
Don’t they have their own?

CRICK
Well yes, but you never know where those have been.

(DANNY puts the frying pan back as

CRICK finishes spraying his
coat.)
There. Now I just need to get water on this to help in the
dissolving process.

(CRICK takes the suitcase, puts

the spray back in, and closes the
lid.)
Again, thank you for your help with the pills and don’t worry
about the spot. If I can’t get it out, well, it’s about time
I got a new coat anyway. I bought this one a whole month ago.

(CRICK gets up and moves towards

FELIX.)
Excuse me, where would I find the nearest bathroom?

FELIX
Just inside our restaurant and on your left.

CRICK
Thank you.

(CRICK looks at the trench coat.)

Oh, it’s setting again!

(CRICK exits into “The Blue

Parrot”.)
 28

FELIX
Mr. Bellows, your key is ready.

(DANNY takes the key from FELIX.)

Your in room--

DANNY
456. I remember.

FELIX
Well...if you need anything--

DANNY
I won’t.

(DANNY heads for the elevator,

pressing the call button. As
FELIX goes back to desk work, two
Italian gangster types walk in,
LOUIE SEGAL, 51, the short
ringleader, and MAX COSTELLO, 44,
the heavy. LOUIE spots DANNY as
the elevator opens and he exits
the lobby. LOUIE swats at MAX and
points to the elevator.)

LOUIE
There he goes! There he goes!

MAX
Where? I don’t see him.

LOUIE
Into the elevator! That son of a...he even had the bag of
diamonds with him! I’m going just--

MAX
Cool it, Louie. We should keep our heads.

LOUIE
They’ll be none to keep if we go back to the boss empty
handed.

MAX
Should we stake the place out and wait?

(SARA, now holding an empty tray,

walks across the landing and
begins down the stairs.)

LOUIE
There’s no time for that. We’ve got to act fast before he
slips through our fingers again.
 29

MAX
So what’s the plan?

LOUIE
We’ll pay him a little...room service.

(LOUIE waves for MAX to follow and

they both move to FELIX at the
desk, just as SARA walks by it.
Seeing SARA, FELIX opens his
mouth to speak but LOUIE rings
the desk bell and SARA exits into
“The Blue Parrot”.)
Excuse me.

(FELIX slowly turns to the two

gangsters.)

FELIX
Can I...help you?

LOUIE
Yeah, we were walking down the street a minute ago and
thought we saw a friend of ours walk in here. A Danny Bellows
isn’t staying here by any chance is he?

FELIX
Why do you ask?

LOUIE
Eh...you know...were old...eh--

MAX
Army buddies.

LOUIE
Yeah...from...you know--

MAX
The army.

LOUIE
Yeah. We’d love to pop in and say hello.

FELIX
Let me just call up to his room...

(FELIX picks up the desk phone.)

LOUIE
No! That won’t...ah...we were really hoping to surprise him.

FELIX
Well, we usually don’t give out room numbers without prior--
 30

LOUIE
You’re not the kind of guy to ruin a surprise are ya?

(LOUIE and MAX lean in towards

FELIX, who seems to shrink behind
the desk. STANLEY enters, walking
across the landing and down the
stairs.)

STANLEY
Hey Felix, Mr. Bellows would like a wake-up call for 6 AM.

LOUIE
Danny Bellows?

STANLEY
Yeah, he’s in room 456.

(LOUIE and MAX move to the

elevator. MAX presses the call
button.)

LOUIE
456. Good to know. Thanks.

STANLEY
No trouble.

(STANLEY stumbles halfway down the

stairs, but catches himself. The
elevator doors open and LOUIE and
MAX enter. As the doors close,
STANLEY walks down the remaining
stairs and over to FELIX, who
just stares at him. A moment goes
by.)

STANLEY
What? Did I do something?

FELIX
Besides allowing the cast of the Godfather to roam the
hallways of our hotel freely? No, I can’t think of anything
off hand.

STANLEY
What? Those guys? What’s there to worry about?

FELIX
Maybe because I’m one screw up away from being fired. Maybe
because I’ve got New York’s District Attorney stooping some
floozy in one of my rooms.
 31

(CRICK, enters from “The Blue

Parrot,” still holding his coat
and suitcase. He moves to FELIX
and STANLEY.)
Maybe because the Redhead Critic might ruin the hotel’s
reputation with one single bad review.

CRICK
Excuse me--

FELIX
I mean the nerve of that guy! He thinks he can just waltz
into any hotel he chooses and write whatever he wants with no
regard to anyone’s livelihood!

STANLEY
You mean your livelihood.

FELIX
What?

CRICK
Excuse me--

STANLEY
You said he thinks he can just waltz into any hotel he
chooses and write whatever he wants with no regard to
anyone’s livelihood but, to be fair, if he writes a bad
review, you’re the one who gets fired so you’re talking about
your livelihood.

CRICK
Excuse--

FELIX
Well, of course I’m talking about my livelihood! Who else's
would I be talking about?

STANLEY
I don’t know. I’m just saying--

FELIX
Well, say less!

STANLEY
Well, excuse me!

FELIX
Excuse me!

CRICK
Excuse me!

(All attention goes to CRICK.)

 32

You wouldn’t by any chance have today’s newspaper would you?

(FELIX looks under the desk and

pulls out a newspaper.)

FELIX
(to CRICK)
Here.

(FELIX offers it to CRICK but

CRICK holds up his hand, reaches
into this coat pocket and pulls
out a pair of white gloves. He
puts them on and then takes the
paper.)
Can’t be too careful.

(CRICK sits back down in his chair

as FELIX and STANLEY watch.)

FELIX
What was that all about?

STANLEY
What? You mean the...

(STANLEY points to his hands.)

FELIX
Yeah, the...

(FELIX points to his hands.

STANLEY shrugs.)

STANLEY
Oh, Mr. Crick checked in today. I get the idea he’s a bit of
a clean freak.

FELIX
I guess so.

(FELIX turns to the computer. From

his seat, CRICK takes off his hat
showing for the first time his
full head of red hair!)

STANLEY
Hey Felix.

FELIX
Yeah?
 33

STANLEY
What color was the Redheaded Critic’s hair again?

(FELIX sighs and turns to

STANLEY.)

FELIX
Why are you even...

(STANLEY points to CRICK. FELIX’S

eyes go wide.)
You don’t think that’s--

STANLEY
I do.

FELIX
You really do?

STANLEY
I really do...wait, what are we talking about?

(FELIX points to CRICk.)

Oh, right.

FELIX
Well...do you think he is?

STANLEY
Is what?

FELIX
The Redheaded Critic!

STANLEY
Oh...it’s a possibility.

FELIX
A possibility?

(STANLEY examines CRICK once more

and turns back to FELIX.)

STANLEY
A strong possibility.

(FELIX puts his head in his

hands.)

FELIX
Oh...and he was right there when I was bad-mouthing him.

STANLEY
So what are we going to do?
 34

FELIX
Save face.

(FELIX and STANLEY move to CRICK.

FELIX clears his throat, getting
CRICK’S attention.)
Hello again.

CRICK
Hello.

FELIX
How’s the paper?

CRICK
(Hesitant.)
Fine.

FELIX
Wonderful. Glad to hear it.

(FELIX extends his hand to CRICK.)

Felix Bannister.

(CRICK holds up his hand, giving

the “one moment” gesture. He puts
down his paper and picks up his
emergency suitcase and takes out
a small bottle of disinfectant.
He sprays the bottle onto FELIX’S
hand and then shakes it.)

CRICK
Montgomery Crick.

(FELIX wipes the disinfectant on

his pants.)

FELIX
It’s a...pleasure. Oh, and may I introduce the Duchess
Hotel’s best bellboy Stanley Hobson.

(STANLEY sticks out his hand, but

quickly changes his gesture to a
wave.)

STANLEY
Hello.

FELIX
He’s on call all night if you ever need anything-fresh
towels, a late night snack, whatever is to your liking.
 35

CRICK
I see.

FELIX
And have you tried our in house restaurant? The Blue Parrot
has a wonderful supper menu. In fact, how about I give you
tonight’s meal on the house?

CRICK
No, thank you. When I stay in hotels I always bring my own
food.

(CRICK pulls from his emergency

case a sandwich in a bag. He
opens it and gives it a smell.)
Ham.

FELIX
I see. Well, is there anything we could do to make your stay
pleasant?

(CRICK fishes around his case.)

CRICK
Well, I am out of pepper--

FELIX
Stanley, will you go to the kitchen and get our wonderful
guest here some pepper please?

STANLEY
It would be an honor.

(STANLEY gives a grand bow and

exits into “The Blue Parrot”.)

FELIX
So, Mr. Crick, do you travel very often?

CRICK
More than I’d like but it’s necessary in my line of work.

FELIX
And...what exactly would that be?

CRICK
Sales. Safety supplies, detergents, other cleaning products.

FELIX
Cleaning product salesman...sure. How many hotels would you
say you stay in a year?

CRICK
Oh...about one a week.
 36

FELIX
Ah, and how are you finding our little home away from home?

CRICK
Cleaner than some...

(CRICK runs his finger against his

seat and puts his gloved fingers
up to his eye.)
...though not all. I will have to say it does have a nice
atmosphere. Good for my nerves. Rather peaceful and quiet.

(STANLEY enters from “The Blue

Parrot,” holding a shaker of
pepper.)

STANLEY
I’ve got the pepper!

(CRICK clutches his heart in

surprise.)

FELIX
Mr. Crick, are you all right?
(to STANLEY)
Look what you did!

STANLEY
Oh, gee, sorry.

CRICK
No, no. I’ll be fine. Just been rather jittery as of late.
Anything seems to be setting off my panic attacks.

FELIX
Well, maybe some pepper for that sandwich of yours will fix
that.

(STANLEY holds the shaker out to

CRICK.)

CRICK
Is that fresh or already grounded?

(STANLEY shakes some out into his

hand.)

STANLEY
Grounded.

(CRICK sighs.)
 37

CRICK
Well, then never mind. Only fresh peppercorns for me.

(FELIX takes the pepper shaker

from STANLEY and puts a little
bit in his hand.)

STANLEY
I’m terribly sorry. I think we do have some fresh peppercorns
in the back. I could always--

CRICK
Don’t trouble yourself. I’ll just make do with that I have.

(CRICK goes to take a bite of his

sandwich just as STANLEY wipes
the pepper from his hands,
sending it into his nose.)

STANLEY
Ah...ah!...choo!!!!

(STANLEY sneezes right onto

CRICK’S sandwich as he takes a
bite! CRICK spits out the food as
a serious panic attack sets in,
sending him wheezing and
clutching his heart!)

FELIX
Mr. Crick!
(to STANLEY)
What did you do!

(CRICK jumps up, knocking his

sandwich to the ground. He
stumbles around trying to wipe
STANLEY’S germs off himself.)

CRICK
Oh no...oh no! Oh no! Oh no! It’s everywhere!

FELIX
What is?!

CRICK
The germs! No matter how much I wipe they’re still on me! A
shower! I need hot shower!

(CRICK begins running up the

stairs, leaving his suitcase
behind. STANLEY follows.)
 38

STANLEY
Would you like me to bring up some extra soap?

CRICK
No!

STANLEY
Another towel?

CRICK
No!

STANLEY
Maybe a hazmat suit?

CRICK
Just leave me alone!

(CRICK exits the landing as

STANLEY heads back down the
stairs.)

STANLEY
Well...that could have went better.

(STANLEY stumbles on the usual

stair step, catching himself with
the railing. FELIX puts his head
in his hands.)

FELIX
Oh, I am so fired.

(FELIX’S head shoots up.)

No, no, we can fix this! We can fix this!
(to STANLEY)
I’ll grab the broom from the second floor closet while you go
make another sandwich for Crick. When you’re finished, bring
it to me and I’ll take it up after he’s done cleaning
the...you off him.

STANLEY
Right!

(STANLEY starts for “The Blue

Parrot.”)

FELIX
And Stanley!

(STANLEY turns back to FELIX.)

 39

FELIX
The fresh pepper this time!

(STANLEY nods and exits into “The

Blue Parrot” as FELIX moves to
the stairs. He stops and goes
back to the desk, puts up the
“Desk Unattended” sign, and then
heads back up the stairs and
exits across the landing. The
elevator opens and LOUIE and MAX
enter. LOUIE holds DANNY’S
briefcase while MAX pulls DANNY’S
trunk with difficulty.)

LOUIE
Would you hurry up!

MAX
I’m trying! This thing’s heavy.

(MAX jerks the trunk and almost

loses control.)

LOUIE
Would you be careful!

MAX
What do you want! Hurry it up! Be careful! Make up your mind.

(LOUIE moves to the trunk, trying

to take the handle.)

LOUIE
Fine! Let me do it.

MAX
No I got it.

LOUIE
No you don’t.

MAX
I’ve got it I tell ya!

(In the struggle, LOUIE pushes

against the trunk and MAX drops
it. The trunk hits the ground and
the lid pops open, the back
facing the audience.)

LOUIE
Look what you did ya jackass!
 40

MAX
I didn’t--

LOUIE
Just close the lid and come on!

(MAX closes the lid and turns the

trunk around to follow LOUIE. On
the front end of the trunk,
DANNY’S arm hangs out lifeless!
LOUIE notices.)
Are you crazy!

(MAX tries to put DANNY’S arm back

in the trunk but is having
trouble.)
Come on! Come on!

(The elevator opens and CONRAD

enters. He passes LOUIE and MAX
without seeing the arm.)

CONRAD
Excuse me.

(LOUIE and MAX move out of

CONRAD’S way as he moves to the
desk. LOUIE’S gaze follows CONRAD
as MAX puts the arm back in the
trunk. CONRAD dings the desk
bell, waiting patiently.)

LOUIE
Wait a minute...

MAX
What?

(LOUIE and MAX move to the stairs

and LOUIE points to CONRAD.)

LOUIE
Mr. “Excuse Me” over there. You recognize him?

MAX
Should I?

LOUIE
It’s the District Attorney.

MAX
The District At...what the hell is he doing here?
 41

LOUIE
The last time I saw him was at my trial. We’ve got to get out
of here before he recognizes either one of us.

(LOUIE and MAX move towards the

front doors but, as they come to
the elevator, it opens and FELIX
enters holding a broom and dust
pan. LOUIE and MAX double back to
the stairs as FELIX moves to the
desk.)

FELIX
(to CONRAD)
Ah, Mr. Brown. Sorry for the wait. I was taking care of
a...a...

CONRAD
Mess?

FELIX
You could call it that.

(FELIX sets the broom and dust pan

beside him and then takes the
“Unattended” sign down.)
How can I help?

CONRAD
I believe I may have left my briefcase down here- black,
about yea big.

(CONRAD estimates the cases’s size

with his hands.)

FELIX
Oh yes, of course. We have it right here. One moment.

(FELIX reaches under the desk and

looks for the briefcase.)

LOUIE
(To MAX)
All right, here’s our chance. But leave the trunk. It’ll draw
too much attention.

MAX
But what about...you know.

LOUIE
The diamonds are what’s important to the boss. We’ll come
back for him later when our necks aren’t on the line. Now
come on!
 42

(LOUIE walks quickly towards the

doors again and MAX follows,
leaving the trunk to block the
stairs. FELIX comes up from the
desk with the briefcase, handing
it to CONRAD.)

FELIX
Here we go. This is the one correct?

CONRAD
Yes, thanks so much.

(As CONRAD turns to walk back to

the elevator, he runs into LOUIE.
Both their black briefcases fall
to the floor.)
Oh, I’m terribly sorry. Are you all right?

(LOUIE averts his face from

CONRAD, hoping not to be
recognized.)

LOUIE
Yeah, yeah. I’m...
(Disguising his voice)
...uh...fine.

(CONRAD grabs the black briefcase

closest to him (his own) and
hands it to LOUIE.)

CONRAD
Here you are.

LOUIE
Yeah, sure. Thanks.

CONRAD
Sorry again.

LOUIE
Not a problem.

(LOUIE and MAX exit through the

lobby doors and CONRAD picks up
the other briefcase (the
diamonds!) and exits into the
elevator. FELIX grabs his broom
and dust pan and moves to CRICK’S
sandwich mess. He sweeps it up as
SARA enters from the kitchen with
a new sandwich on a plate. She
moves to FELIX.)
 43

SARA
I’ve got that sandwich you asked for.

FELIX
Where’s Stanley?

SARA
Still in the kitchen. He said I should give it do you.

FELIX
Oh did he?

SARA
And he told me what happened.

FELIX
Oh.

(SARA chuckles a little.)

SARA
It’s actually kinda funny-the pepper and all.

FELIX
And the part where I lose my job?

SARA
You’ll be alright.

(SARA holds the tray out and, as

FELIX goes for the plate, their
hands touch. Both notice, but
neither move. From the lobby
entrance, SAM “SPUD” WILDER, thin
athletic and with a camera around
his neck, enters, moving to the
lobby desk.)
Is there anything else?

FELIX
Well...

(SPUD rings the desk bell.)

Oh come on!

(FELIX stomps over to the desk as

SARA watches and sets the
sandwich, broom, and dust pan
down behind the desk, finally
turning to SPUD.)
 44

FELIX
Can I help you?

(SPUD shoots his hand out to

FELIX.)

SPUD
Spud Wilder- Tri-Weekly News.

(FELIX shakes his hand.)

FELIX
Felix...Bannister.

SPUD
Pleasure.

(SPUD eyes SARA.)

And who might you be?

FELIX
Oh, this is Sara--

SARA
Hapgood...Sara Hapgood.

(SARA walks up to SPUD.)

SPUD
Well, it’s doubly the pleasure.

(SPUD takes SARA’S hand and her

cheeks flush.)

FELIX
And what can I do for you Mr. Wilder?

SPUD
Looking for some information for an article I’m writing and I
think your hotel might just provide the answers.

SARA
You’re a writer?

(SPUD holds up his camera.)

SPUD
And photographer.

SARA
Wow.

FELIX
Anyway...
 45

SPUD
Yes, well...

(SPUD takes a note pad and pen

from his pocket.)
You wouldn’t have a Walter Brown staying here would you?

FELIX
Well, I can’t really give that sort of information out.

SPUD
No, no...I suppose you can’t.

(SPUD takes out his wallet and

begins thumbing through his
bills.)

FELIX
At any price.

SPUD
Of course not.

(SPUD closes his wallet.)

It’s just that this Walter Brown, isn’t exactly on the level
and, once it comes out who he is, they’ll be a lot of press-
some good, some bad. I’d like to make sure your fine
establishment receives the former.

SARA
Well, we appreciate that.

(SARA looks to FELIX, who says

nothing.)
Well, I appreciate that.

SPUD
(to FELIX)
All right, all right. What if I told you that your special
guest was none other than District Attorney? A man of such
power, sleeping around, possibly on the taxpayer’s dime. What
kind of justice is that? Do you want to be known for
harboring that kind of man?

(FELIX still says nothing. SPUD

turns to SARA wiht a smile.)
How about you?

SARA
Well, I’m not sure those questions fall under my pay-grade.

SPUD
Sounds like a confession to me.
 46

SARA
I do tend to crack under pressure.

FELIX
Now look, I’m sorry we can’t help you but, unless you’re
planning on getting a room, I’ll have to ask you to leave.

SPUD
Fine.

FELIX
Pardon?

SPUD
A room it is.

(SPUD reopens his wallet.)

Since you two can’t seem to help me, I might as well enjoy
the pool and get a good night’s rest.

FELIX
We don’t have a pool.

SPUD
Really? Well, that is a shame. Either way, you wouldn’t turn
down a paying customer would you?

(FELIX types on the computer.)

FELIX
I can put you on the twelfth floor in a king.

SPUD
Sounds good.

(SPUD takes his credit card from

his wallet and sets it on the
desk.)
Charge it as credit. My address and everything is on my card.

(SPUD pulls a business card from

his coat and sets it down as
FELIX puts a form and pen in
front of him.)

FELIX
Fill it out here, here, and here and sign on the bottom. I’ll
have your key in a moment.

(FELIX moves to the other side and

SARA inches closer to SPUD.)

SARA
So how long have you been a newsman?
 47

SPUD
About two years. Before that I was a military correspondent
in Paris.

SARA
That sounds lovely.

SPUD
It was. The landscape, the people...

(SPUD looks up at SARA.)

...just beautiful.

(SARA and SPUD share a moment.

FELIX clears his throat and holds
out SPUD’S key.)

FELIX
Your key.

SPUD
Thanks.

(SPUD takes the key.)

FELIX
You’re in 1208. I’ll show you to your room.

SARA
No, I can do it.

FELIX
But--

SARA
Well, you have to take that sandwich up to Mr. Crick and
since Stanley’s not here--

SPUD
Sounds fine to me.

SARA
(to SPUD)
Come on, we’ll take the elevator.

SPUD
All right, but normally I’m all about the stairs. Twelve
floors would make for a good strong cardio workout.
 48

SARA
Really?

(SPUD and SARA move to the

elevator. SARA presses the call
button.)

SPUD
A little trick I learned for staying in shape back in my
college football days.

SARA
You played football?

(The elevator opens SPUD and SARA

enter.)

SPUD
All state running back. You bet I played football.

(The elevator closes and FELIX

moves to the trash can with the
dust pan, dumping the crumbs in
the trash as STANLEY enters from
“The Blue Parrot.”)

FELIX
What’s the big idea?

STANLEY
What?

FELIX
Sending Sara out here with the sandwich. I wasn’t ready to
talk to her.

STANLEY
You’re never ready to talk to her!

FELIX
Just man the desk until I get back.

STANLEY
Wait a minute.

FELIX
What?

STANLEY
It’s still a whole sandwich. What if he wants it cut in half?

FELIX
Good thinking. I’ll grab a knife from the kitchen. Oh, and
take out the trash will ya. It’s getting full.
 49

(FELIX exits into “The Blue

Parrot” as STANLEY moves to the
trash can. He begins to take out
the bag when the elevator opens
and SISTER MARY enters, moving up
to STANLEY.)

SISTER MARY
Excuse me...Stanley isn’t it?

(STANLEY lets go of the trash bag

and turns to SISTER MARY.)

STANLEY
What can I do you for Sister?

SISTER MARY
Having a bit of trouble with my room. The air conditioning
doesn’t seem to turn on.

STANLEY
Yeah, they can be tricky. How bout we go up and give it
another look?

SISTER MARY
Wonderful.

(SISTER MARY and STANLEY move to

elevator. He presses the call
button and sighs.)

SISTER MARY
Is everything all right?

STANLEY
Oh, its just been a long night.

SISTER MARY
I’m sorry to hear that.

(The elevator opens and STANLEY

and SISTER MARY enter.)

STANLEY
Yyou think could you put in a good word for me with
your...you know...manager.

SISTER MARY
I’ll see what I can do.

(The elevator closes. From the

landing, CRICK enters in a
bathrobe, still flustered.
 50

He heads down the stairs, but

stops at the bottom as the trunk
is still in the way.)

CRICK
What the...

(CRICK steps over the trunk and

takes a moment to breath, holding
his chest. He takes a deep breath
and swallows hard.)
Ah, my pills...need my pills.

(CRICK moves to the reception

chairs and finds his briefcase.
He opens it, pulls out the frying
pan, setting it to the side, and
then fumbles around, finally
taking out a medicine bottle.)
Finally.

(Closing the suitcase (but not

putting the frying pan away),
CRICK opens the bottle, takes two
pills, and pockets the medicine.
He takes a breath and moves back
to the stairs, stopped again by
the trunk.)
This is just...not safe.

(CRICK moves to the trunk and

lifts it up vertically, the front
of it facing him.)
There...much better.

(CRICK taps the trunk and the

latch snaps up. The lid flies
open and a dead DANNY falls out
into CRICK’S arms!)
Ahhhhh!!!

(CRICK pushes DANNY’S corpse hard,

sending him back into the trunk,
which tips over and lands
horizontal on the floor, shutting
the lid. CRICK stumbles around
clutching his heart. At center
stage, his eyes roll into the
back of his head and he falls
over dead.
 51

From “The Blue Parrot,” FELIX

enters, holding the sandwich
plate in one hand and a knife in
the other, his focus completely
on the sandwich.)

FELIX
(To himself)
Okay...ham...lettuce...mayo...or should it be lettuce then
the ham?

(FELIX steps over CRICK’S body.)

Excuse me.

(FELIX moves towards the elevator

but stops. He turns back around
slowly and stares at the body.)
Mr. Crick?...um...Mr. Crick?

(FELIX moves to the body, setting

the sandwich plate down but still
holding the knife. He checks
CRICK’S pulse and then bends down
to listen for a heartbeat.)
Oh boy.

(The elevator opens and STANLEY

walks out, coming to a stop when
he sees FELIX over CRICK.)

STANLEY
What did you do!

(FELIX looks at the knife in his

hand and tosses it to the
ground.)

FELIX
What? Nothing! I didn’t do anything!

STANLEY
Well, something happened!

FELIX
Apparently!

(STANLEY moves to CRICK’S body and

stares at him.)

STANLEY
Is he...you know...

FELIX
Yeah...I think so.
 52

STANLEY
You don’t think my...my...germs did this do ya?

FELIX
Do I think you killed a man with a sneeze? No I don’t.

(STANLEY breaths a sigh of

relief.)

STANLEY
Well, that’s good to know.

FELIX
Stanley, he’s still dead!

STANLEY
Shhh! Don’t use that word!

FELIX
What? Dead?

STANLEY
Stop it!

(FELIX and STANLEY look to the

body.)

STANLEY
On the plus side, I don’t think he’s going to write us a bad
review.

FELIX
Not unless he can turn his work in via seance.

STANLEY
What happened?

FELIX
I don’t know. I just came in and he was lying here.

(FELIX looks over CRICK’S body,

checking his pockets. He pulls
the medicine bottle from the robe
pocket.)
Hello, what’s this? Heart medication.

STANLEY
I guess his ticker just ran out of ticks. Problem solved.

FELIX
Problem not solved! We’ve still got a body here genius and,
if my Uncle finds out the Redheaded Critic died in our lobby,
then that’s it for me.
 53

STANLEY
Well, what are we going to do with him...it...him?

FELIX
We’ll put him back up in his room. If it look like the poor
soul just past away in his bed, then there’s no way that’s my
fault. Right? No harm no foul. Right?

STANLEY
Right...wait...

(STANLEY thinks and then nods.)

...Right. How do we get him up there?

FELIX
I’m working on that.

(STANLEY turns and sees the

elevator’s floor indicator dial
start to move from the lobby to
the twelfth floor.)

STANLEY
Well, I’d hurry up. The elevator’s moving.

FELIX
Ummm...okay we could always--

STANLEY
--Twelfth floor. It stopped at the twelfth floor!

FELIX
Twelfth floor? Sara! She’ll be coming back down here!

STANLEY
Then we need do something!

(FELIX picks Crick up by his

shoulders.)

FELIX
Take his legs! We’ll put him behind the desk for now.

STANLEY
What?

FELIX
Just do it!

(STANLEY grabs CRICK’S legs and he

and FELIX move the body behind
the desk, and out of sight.)
 54

FELIX
All right. Now go to the laundry room and grab a bed sheet we
can cover him up with! Hurry!

(STANLEY runs to the stairs but

stops at the trunk.)

STANLEY
What’s this doing here?

FELIX
Hurry!

(STANLEY jumps over the trunk,

moves up the stairs and exits
across the landing just as the
elevator opens and SARA walks
out, moving to FELIX at the
desk.)

SARA
Hey you.

FELIX
Heeeey.

SARA
How’s things?

FELIX
Things are...goood.

SARA
And Mr. Crick? Did you take care of him?

FELIX
He’s...resting comfortably. How’s whats-his-name?

SARA
Oh Spud?

FELIX
Yeah...sure.

SARA
He seems to like his room, among other things.

(SARA grins.)
He wants to take me out for a bite to eat after my shift.

(FELIX trips a little on CRICK but

catches himself.)
 55

FELIX
He what?

SARA
I know it’s a little sudden but he seems like a nice enough
guy. It’s just a late dinner anyway-nothing special. Unless,
you think it’s a bad idea...him being a guest and all.

FELIX
No...its fine...have a good time.

(SARA smiles and moves to the

kitchen. Suddenly, she stops,
turning back to FELIX.)

SARA
Oh, what was that thing you wanted to talk about earlier?

FELIX
Oh...nothing...not important.

SARA
See ya around Felix.

FELIX
Yeah...see ya.

(FELIX watches SARA exit into “The

Blue Parrot” and sighs. He turns
to leave the desk but trips over
CRICK, falling out of sight. The
elevator opens and STANLEY
enters, holding a set of
bedsheets.)

STANLEY
Felix? Felix?

(FELIX groans and pulls himself up

the desk and into view.)
What are you doing down there?

FELIX
Taking a nap.

STANLEY
Really?

FELIX
Would you get over here and cover up the body...er...Mr.
Crick.
 56

(STANLEY moves behind the desk and

begins rolling CRICK up in the
bed sheets, out of view.)
Wait a minute, where’s his suitcase?

(FELIX searches the lobby.)

STANLEY
I don’t know.

FELIX
Did he take it upstairs when you sneezed on him?

STANLEY
I don’t think so.

FELIX
Well, it’s got to be here somewhere.

STANLEY
You know, wrapping the guy up reminds me of a great moment in
my childhood.

FELIX
I shutter at the idea of understanding that.

STANLEY
It was at the history museum downtown. They had this Egyptian
exhibit; all these relics and artifacts, but the best part
was the main attraction- King Tut.

FELIX
The mummy?

STANLEY
No, he was a Pharaoh. Anyway, he was wrapped up in these long
bandages and lying in this coffin. It was something to see.

(FELIX moves to the reception

chairs and finds both CRICK’S
suitcase and frying pan.)

FELIX
Ah, there we are.

STANLEY
Anyway, the Egyptians buried him with all his royal knick-
knacks and such. I just don’t know why we don’t do stuff like
that anymore.

(FELIX opens the suitcase and

looks inside.)
 57

FELIX
Because incased with us for eternity would be medicine and
frying pans.

(FELIX closes the suitcase, sets

it down where he found it, and
picks up the frying pan.

STANLEY
All right. The mighty Pharaoh is ready for transport.

(FELIX moves to the desk,

forgetting to grab the suitcase
but still holding the frying pan.
He sets the pan down on the desk
and grabs CRICK’S feet as STANLEY
takes his top half.)

FELIX
All right, one...two...three!

(FELIX and STANLEY lift CRICK and

move to the elevator. STANLEY
hits the call button and the
doors open. They begin moving in
but FELIX stops.)
Wait a minute. We can’t just go up there.

STANLEY
Why not?

FELIX
We don’t know who’s roaming around. We got to be careful
about these things.

(The elevator doors start to close

and collide into CRICK’S head!)

STANLEY
Oh geez!

FELIX
Back him out! Back him out!

(FELIX and STANLEY pull CRICK out

of the elevator and the doors
shut.)

STANLEY
What was all that about being careful?
 58

FELIX
We’ve got to go check upstairs first before we drag him along
and get caught. The hallway, his room, I mean, what if he has
a guest we don’t even know about?

STANLEY
Well, we can’t just leave him down here to watch the desk.

(STANLEY sees DANNY’S trunk by the

stairs.)
Isn’t that Mr. Bellows’ trunk?

FELIX
I thought you took that to his room?

STANLEY
So did I!

FELIX
Are you thinking what I think you’re thinking?

STANLEY
He’d only be in there for what? Five minutes?

FELIX
Well, it’s better than putting a lamp shade on his head and
sticking him in the corner. All right then. Hold on to him.

(FELIX lets go of CRICK’S legs,

moves to the trunk and pulls it
over to STANLEY, the front facing
the audience. He hits the trunk
and the lid opens, though neither
look inside.)
Now, you keep an eye on the stairs and I’ll watch the
elevator.

STANLEY
Right.

FELIX
On three. One...two...three!

(FELIX and STANLEY move CRICK to

the front of the trunk, while
keeping their gazes on the
elevator and stairs. They dump
him inside and FELIX closes the
lid without looking in.)
All right, put him over by the other trunk and then we’ll
head upstairs.
 59

(STANLEY nods and moves the trunk

under the stairs as FELIX goes to
the elevator and hits the call
button. The elevator opens and
FELIX and STANLEY enters.
Suddenly, FELIX exits.)

FELIX
Wait a minute.

(FELIX moves to the desk and sets

the “desk unattended” sign back
up.)
There.

(FELIX reenters the elevator.)

STANLEY
So, as I was saying about King Tut...

(The elevator closes as, from the

top landing, CONRAD and APRIL
enter. APRIL, angry, carries her
two pink suitcases while CONRAD
holds his suitcase and a black
briefcase (the diamond one).)

CONRAD
Sweetheart, I’m sorry!

APRIL
I’ve got no more time for your apologizes!

CONRAD
But, do we really need to leave?

APRIL
You can stay for all I care. I don’t give a damn what you do!

(APRIL and CONRAD move down the

stairs.)

CONRAD
But, April, baby, it was a mistake! Give me another chance!

APRIL
Another chance? Another chance! We hadn’t even unpacked a
single bag and you’ve already run out of chances.

(APRIL moves to the desk, sets her

bags down, and rings the desk
bell. CONRAD follows.)
 60

CONRAD
It was a slip of the tongue. Let me make it up to you. A nice
dinner! I’ll take you anywhere you want.

APRIL
A three course meal won’t make up for calling me your wife’s
name in the heat of the...oh you make me so mad! And whatever
happened to leaving her? You promised me Harold! You
promised.

CONRAD
And I still do. It’s just that the election has--

APRIL
The election! The election! That’s all you ever talk about
these days! The election! The election! The election!

CONRAD
All right! Getting upset about this won’t solve anything. We
both just need to calm down.

(CONRAD, sets down his suitcase

and holds out his hand. APRIL
sighs and takes it. CONRAD leads
her over to the reception chairs
and sits her down in the seat
CRICK sat in. He sets his black
briefcase (the diamond one) down
on the opposite side of the chair
as CRICK’S briefcase and takes
APRIL’S hand once again.)
There. Are we feeling any better?

APRIL
I suppose so.

CONRAD
Baby, I’m sorry about everything, especially the election. I
know you’re not excited about it and, frankly, I don’t know
if I am either.

APRIL
Really?

CONRAD
Really. Sure there was a time I really loved the drama of a
court room, all those people watching me lay out my case, but
it’s just not what it used to be. With all the paperwork and
red tape that takes up my time, I haven’t really had that
passion to captivate a jury’s attention in God knows how
long. But things will change, that I promise. I just need a
little more time. May I have that? Please?
 61

(APRIL stands up and CONRAD

follows.)

APRIL
Oh, pookie.

(APRIL hugs CONRAD.)

CONRAD
So, we’re alright?

APRIL
Not yet. But we sure will be when we get back up to the room.

(They both chuckle and CONRAD gets

the suitcases at the desk while
APRIL moves to the elevator.)
Can you grab my briefcase sweetie?

APRIL
Oh, yeah sure.

(APRIL moves back to the chair and

grabs the wrong briefcase,
picking up CRICK’S and leaving
the diamond one behind! She goes
back to the elevator and, when
the doors open, she and CONRAD
enter.)

CONRAD
Say, how long do you think it takes for the elevator to reach
our floor?

(APRIL grins.)

APRIL
Long enough.

(APRIL and CONRAD drop their bags

and start kissing as the doors
close. At the lobby front doors,
LOUIE and MAX enter, LOUIE,
angry, holding CONRAD’S
briefcase.)

MAX
Look, that’s all I remember! You had the diamonds and then we
left!

LOUIE
Well, if I had the diamonds, then why is this briefcase full
of this!
 62

(LOUIE moves to the desk trashcan,

opens the briefcase, and lets all
of CONRAD’S business papers fall
out into the trash bag.)
Do they look like diamonds to you?

(LOUIE throws CONRAD’S briefcase

into the trash can.)

MAX
I just don’t get it. The suitcase had diamonds in it when we
were in Bellows’ room--

LOUIE
And then we came down here, ditched the trunk and--

MAX
You ran into the D.A.!

(LOUIE reaches into the trash can

and pulls out a few of the
business papers. He looks over
several and his eyes grow big.)

MAX
You mean he’s got the...what are we going do!

LOUIE
We’re gonna think for once in our lives. You grab the trunk
and we’ll head back to Bellow’s room, make a plan, and go
from there. We can’t afford to screw up again.

(MAX heads towards the stairs but

sees Bellows’ trunk with the
other two.)

MAX
They moved it.

LOUIE
Well you left it at the bottom of the stairs for chrissake!
Now come on!

(LOUIE moves to the elevator and

hits the call button as MAX moves
DANNY’S trunk with difficulty.
The elevator opens and LOUIE
enters as MAX struggles with the
trunk. LOUIE gives him a look.)

LOUIE
You getting soft?
 63

MAX
It’s just...heavier than I remember.

(MAX makes it to the elevator and

pushes the trunk in. The elevator
closes as FELIX and STANLEY enter
through the landing and begin
down the stairs.)

FELIX
Well, the hallways and stairwell are clear. How was his room?

STANLEY
Clean as whistle as you might expect. We’re in the clear.
Nothing to trip us up now.

(STANLEY stumbles down the same

steps as usual but catches
himself on the rail.)

FELIX
Get the trunk will ya?

(STANLEY struggles to his feet as

FELIX moves over to the reception
chairs and picks up the diamond
briefcase. He stops.)

STANLEY
What is it?

FELIX
The suitcase, it seems...lighter.

(STANLEY makes it down the stairs

and moves to the group of
trunks.)

STANLEY
Lighter?

FELIX
Lighter. Like less in it.

(STANLEY moves around the trunks,

confused. FELIX opens the
briefcase.)

FELIX
All this nonsense has put me--

(He looks into the briefcase and

freezes.)
On edge. Stanley...I think we have a situation here.
 64

STANLEY
You’re not kidding.

FELIX
I may be mistaken so correct me if I’m wrong, but there
weren’t diamonds in Crick’s suitcase before right?

(STANLEY moves to FELIX and looks

in the suitcase.)

STANLEY
But...but...but--

FELIX
I know. I understand completely. Have you got the trunk yet?

STANLEY
No...but somebody does.

(STANLEY points to the trunks and

FELIX’s eyes grow wide.)

FELIX
But...but...but--

STANLEY
I know. I understand completely.

FELIX
Okay, new plan. You go search for the trunk upstairs. I’ll
check the Parrot and put this thing in the hotel safe.

STANLEY
And then what?

(The elevator opens and SPUD

enters, moving towards the desk.)

FELIX
I don’t know. I’m making this up as I go along.

(As STANLEY runs back up the

stairs and exits through the
landing, FELIX moves towards the
“Parrot.” SPUD spots FELIX
exiting and dings the desk bell.
FELIX stops, turning slowly to
SPUD.)

SPUD
You got a minute buddy?

(FELIX walks back to the desk,

setting the briefcase down.)
 65

FELIX
(Coldly)
What can I do for you...buddy?

SPUD
Well, as you might have heard, I’m taking Miss. Sara Sweet
Cheeks out for a bite later and, well...can I ask you
something man to man?

FELIX
You can try.

SPUD
Where would you go around here to get some...you know...just
in case the night gets interesting.

FELIX
I don’t think you know what kind of girl Sara is.

SPUD
And you do? Look, I get it. I’m sorry for stepping on your
little romantic toes here but...there are certain ways you
can get me to back off.

FELIX
I’m listening.

SPUD
You tell me which room the D.A.’s in and I’ll be gone before
“your girl” even knows what happened. Plus, that leaves you
to pick up the pieces-every last gorgeous one. What do you
say?

(FELIX grows quiet and looks at

SPUD for a long moment.)

FELIX
I say...if there isn’t anything else you need, then I should
get back to work.

(FELIX grabs the suitcase and

starts for “The Blue Parrot” but
stops, moving back to the desk.
He puts up the “desk unattended”
sign and then finally exits into
the restaurant.)

SPUD
(Calling out to FELIX)
Fine. Suit yourself!

(SPUD fumes in his spot before his

gaze lands on the desk computer.
 66

He looks around, making sure the

coast is clear, and then hops
over the desk, moving up to the
computer.)
Guest listings...Brown...Brown...Brown...ah! Mr. and Mrs.
Walter Brown-room 218.

(From stage right, the sound of

FINESSE singing comes into
earshot, followed by the very
drunk drag queen, who enters
through the front doors holding
an empty whiskey bottle. He hums
a tune to himself and stumbles up
to the front desk, eyeing SPUD.)

FINESSE
(Slurring his words.)
Hey...you’re not Felix.

(SPUD hops the desk.)

SPUD
Sorry to disappoint...eh...ma’am.

(SPUD leaves, bounding up the

stairs.)

FINESSE
Hey wait a minute!

(FINESSE tries to follow but

almost falls over, catching
himself on the desk and regaining
his balance as SPUD exits across
the landing.)
Ah...it’s always the cute ones that get away.

(FINESSE turns to the desk

trashcan and drunkenly attempts
to throw away his whiskey bottle.
He tries putting his arm inside
the can several times but misses
on every attempt. Finally, he
steadies himself and lowers the
bottle slowly into the can,
allowing the upper half of his
body to follow. Hh stays half
submerged for a moment until...)
What do we have here?

(FINESSE rises from the trashcan

holding CONRAD’S briefcase. He
examines it, opening it up.)
 67

Ooooo, its got papers in it and everything. It would go well

with my black pants suit.
(To the briefcase.)
Did you hear that? You’d go well with my black pants suit,
you beautiful briefcase. What’s that? You’d like a hug? Well,
sure! I love hugs.

(FINESSE tries to hug the

briefcase but it falls out of his
hands and back into the trashcan.
FINESSE puts his head back into
the can.)
Are you okay in there?

(From the restaurant, FELIX

enters, still holding the diamond
briefcase. He sees FINESSE half
in the trash can and opens his
mouth to speak but...)
What? No. Don’t worry. I’ll get you out!

(FELIX moves to the trash can,

sets his briefcase on the desk
and watches FINESSE, who lifts
himself up out of the can.)
Oh, there you are Felix! How you been?

FELIX
Sober. You?

(FINESSE hiccups.)

FINESSE
The same.

(FINESSE busts out into a laugh

and begins to fall over but FELIX
catches him.)
Oh, thank you dear boy. You know, I have always depended on
the kindness of strangers.

(FELIX props FINESSE back up on

the desk.)

FELIX
What did I tell you? What did I tell you! A small soiree my
ass.

FINESSE
What about your ass?

FELIX
Never mind! What I would like to know is how you plan to
perform in...
 68

(FELIX checks his watch.)

...less than half an hour, when you can’t even stand up
straight?

FINESSE
I’ll think of something. Ah! I could sit in a chair.

FELIX
You’re full of answers aren’t you?

(FINESSE eyes the diamond

briefcase.)

FINESSE
What do you got there?

(FINESSE reaches for the briefcase

but FELIX slaps his hand away and
moves behind the desk, taking
down the “unattended” sign.)

FELIX
Nothing you need to concern yourself with. Now just stay
where you are and after I put this thing in the safe we can
get you some coffee...some very very strong coffee. Okay?

(FINESSE gives FELIX the okay sign

and FELIX ducks out of sight
below the desk to the open the
safe. FINESSE looks at the
diamond briefcase and then
reaches down into the trashcan,
pulling out CONRAD’S identical
briefcase and setting it beside
the diamond one.)

FINESSE
Just what I love. A matching set.

FELIX
(Still below the desk.)
What?

FINESSE
Nothing!

(FINESSE takes hold of the diamond

briefcase and opens it. He peeks
inside and smiles.)
Oh, I like this one better.
 69

(Suddenly, FELIX’S hand reaches up

from below the desk and grasps
for the briefcase, finally taking
hold of CONRAD’S and pulling down
to himself.)
Hey, wait a minute!

(FELIX’S pops his head up but he

can’t see FINESSE holding the
diamond briefcase at his side.)

FELIX
What? What is it?

(FINESSE thinks deeply for a

moment and then bursts out in a
laugh.)

FINESSE
I don’t remember!

(FELIX rolls his eyes and bends

back down to the safe. FINESSE
holds the diamond briefcase back
up to his face, examining it.)
Nah. Sober me would find this thing completely out of
fashion.

(FINESSE throws the diamond

briefcase away in the trashcan
and then drops his head once
again back into the receptacle.
FELIX stands up and sees
FINESSE.)

FELIX
No, no, no, no! We are done playing in the trash.

(FELIX moves to the trash can and,

without looking inside, pulls
FINESSE out and ties the trash
bag shut.)

FINESSE
But--

FELIX
No buts.

(FELIX takes the trash bag from

its container and sets it beside
it.)
There.
 70

FINESSE
You’re no fun.

FELIX
I know.

(The elevator opens and STANLEY

enters, moving to FELIX.)
Any luck?

STANLEY
Nothing. I checked every floor.

FELIX
Did you look in Bellow’s room? Maybe he took it back up with
him.

STANLEY
I knocked but nobody answered.

FELIX
Dammit. All right, well take Jane Daniels here to his
dressing room and sober him up.

STANLEY
But what about the trunk?

FELIX
One thing at a time. We’ll get him back on the stage and then
take the entire hotel apart.

(STANLEY moves to FINESSE and

steadies him.)

STANLEY
Come on. Let’s get you ready for the show.

FINESSE
Ah yes, my audience awaits! I’ll need to redo my hair, take a
shower...

(FINESSE lets out a sigh right in

STANLEY’S face.)
...A breath mint wouldn’t kill me.

(FINESSE and STANLEY exit into

“The Blue Parrot.” Suddenly,
APRIL screams from offstage
right! She enters, running across
the landing in a nighty and
bathrobe. CONRAD follows, holding
SPUD’S camera and wearing nothing
but boxers and an undershirt.
 71

The two run down the stairs and

up to FELIX.)

CONRAD
You! You’ve got to help us!

FELIX
Help you with...where are your--

APRIL
A man knocked on our door--

CONRAD
He said he had our room service--

APRIL
But when I opened the door he snapped a picture!

CONRAD
I grabbed his camera and gave him a mean right hook but he
can’t be far behind! Please! You’ve got to hide us! I’m a
very influential person and if he gets proof I’m here I’ll be
ruined!

FELIX
I know, I know!

CONRAD
What?

FELIX
You’re the Distinct Attorney.

CONRAD
How did you know?

FELIX
Everyone here knows! I mean, with that billboard sign on 23rd
and 7th, and the TV commercials and the--

CONRAD
All right, I get it. But I need help or I’m a dead man!

FELIX
(To himself)
A dead man...
(To CONRAD)
If I help you could you get me out of a little trouble?

CONRAD
What kind of trouble?

FELIX
A missing dead body.
 72

CONRAD
I wouldn’t call that a little trouble.

FELIX
I didn’t kill him! I just...misplaced him.

(CONRAD rubs his chin in thought.)

APRIL
Hurry!

CONRAD
All right fine. You’ve got a deal. You help me and I’ll help
you.

(CONRAD offers his hand to FELIX

and they shake.)
Now where can we hide?

(FELIX looks around, finally

pointing to the two trunks under
the stairs-SISTER MARY’S and
FINESSE’S.)

FELIX
The trunks!

(FELIX, CONRAD, and APRIL run to

the trunks.)
Each of you get in one until I can get your peeping Tom out
of here!

APRIL
But even with him gone, we still look like this!

FELIX
Well, I don’t know! See if there’s anything in the trunks you
can wear.

(FELIX opens SISTER MARY’S trunk

and motions to APRIL.)
In you go.

(APRIL enters the trunk and FELIX

closes the lid, latching it. He
then moves to FINESSE’S trunk and
opens it.)

CONRAD
I can’t tell you how grateful I am that--
 73

FELIX
Get in! Get in! Get in!

(CONRAD gets into FINESSE’S trunk

and FELIX closes it. FELIX then
moves back to the desk, making it
just as SPUD runs across the
landing, down the stairs and up
to the desk, holding a hand over
his left eye.)

SPUD
All right! Where are they!

FELIX
Where are who?

SPUD
Don’t play with me buddy unless you want one of these too!

(SPUD uncovers his eyes, showing a

blackening bruise.)

FELIX
Okay. You got me. They just ran out the door.

(SPUD rushes to the lobby doors

but stops just before leaving,
whipping back around to FELIX.)

SPUD
In their underwear?

FELIX
I didn’t say it was a good idea.

(SPUD rushes up to FELIX and grabs

his shirt from across the desk.)

SPUD
Now I’m only going to ask this once more...where are they?

(SISTER MARY’S trunk (with APRIL

inside) shakes, drawing SPUD’S
attention.)
Well, well, well. You can run but you obviously can’t hide.

(SPUD moves slowly towards the

trunks, taking out his cell
phone, clicking speed dial, and
putting it to his ear. Frantic,
FELIX spots the frying pan on the
desk and picks it up.)
 74

SPUD
(Into his phone.)
Hey boss, it’s Spud. Yeah, I’ve got a scoop for ya. Yeah,
just bring a camera to...

(FELIX runs over to SPUD and

knocks him over the head with the
pan. SPUD crumples to the ground
and the phone falls from his
hand.)

FELIX
Oh, boy.

(FELIX picks up SPUD’S phone and

puts it to his ear.)
Ah...sorry...wrong number.

(FELIX drops the phone to the

ground as STANLEY and FINESSE,
who’s still tipsy, enter from
“The Blue Parrot.”)

STANLEY
What did you do now?!

(FINESSE points to SPUD)

FINESSE
That guy’s drunker than I am.

FELIX
He was snooping around and found the D.A. and his girl.

STANLEY
So you knocked him out?

FELIX
It was on impulse, but the D.A. said if we help him he’ll get
us out of our...situation.

STANLEY
Where’s the D.A.?

(FINESSE’S trunk (with CONRAD in

it) shakes. Everyone takes
notice.)

FINESSE
Why is my trunk shaking?

FELIX
(To STANLEY)
The D.A.’s in his...
 75

(FELIX points to FINESSE.)

...and the girl’s in the other.

STANLEY
Sister Mary’s?

FELIX
Yeah.

STANLEY
Well, shouldn’t we let them out?

FINESSE
I remember when I came out of the trunk.

FELIX
We’ll get them as soon as you help me move ace reporter here
behind the desk.

(FELIX picks up SPUD’S phone and

he and STANLEY carry SPUD towards
the desk. As they do, FINESSE
moves to the elevator and leans
against the call button, opening
the doors. Curious, he walks into
the elevator as FELIX and STANLEY
drop SPUD behind the desk.)

FINESSE
Oooo, look at all the buttons!

FELIX
No, no, don’t touch those!

(FINESSE presses a few buttons and

the doors begin to close.)

FINESSE
Oh, we’re going for a ride!

(The elevator closes and ascends.)

FELIX
(To Stanley)
Okay, change of plans. You go get him and I’ll take care of
the trunks.

STANLEY
Got it.

(STANLEY leaves, taking the stairs

and exiting through the landing.
 76

FELIX takes a breath and notices

that he’s still holding the
frying pan. He sets it on the
desk and moves to SISTER MARY’S
trunk (APRIL inside). As he does,
MR. MANKIEWICZ enters through the
lobby front door! FELIX takes a
knee beside the trunk.)

FELIX
(To April)
All right, just give me a second and I’ll get you out.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Out of what?

(FELIX turns around and sees

MANKIEWICZ.)

FELIX
AHHH!!!

MR. MANKIEWICZ
What’s with you?

FELIX
Nothing, nothing...just mumbling to myself.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Eh...you always were a mumbler.

FELIX
Uncle, what are you doing here?

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Felix! I’ve told you a thousand times! At work it’s Mr. Mank--

FELIX
I know but what are you doing here!

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Temple got out early and with all those Japanese businessmen
in tonight for the show, I thought I should stop in and
create some good international relations.

FELIX
Oh, well...isn’t that a good idea.

(MR. MANKIEWICZ begins moving

toward the desk.)

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Plus I forgot the expense report when I left so I thought I’d
grab that too.
 77

FELIX
No! I can get it for you.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Well, I certainly can--

FELIX
It’s no trouble!

(FELIX runs past MANKIEWICZ and

goes behind the desk, slightly
tripping over SPUD. He looks
under the desk, pulls out the
report, and hands it to
MANKIEWICZ.)
There you go.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
So, how have things been going tonight? Honestly?

(FELIX opens his mouth to speak

but can’t seem to get the words
out. Finally, he gives the okay
sign.)
Good. Now let’s keep it that way.

(FELIX nods his head as MANKIEWICZ

looks down at his watch.)
Five minutes till showtime. I better get in a little ass
kissing before the lights go down. Keep holding down the fort
Felix.

(MANKIEWICZ exits into “The Blue

Parrot” and FELIX breaths a sigh
of relief. He moves to SISTER
MARY’S trunk once again just as
SARA enters from the restaurant.)
All right. Just give me a second!

SARA
A second for what?

(FELIX turns and sees SARA.)

FELIX
AHHH! Where do you people come from!

SARA
Are you all right?

FELIX
Yes...no...yes...I’m managing. What’s up?
 78

SARA
Have you seen Spud? He said he’d be coming down for the show
but he hasn’t turned up yet.

FELIX
No...can’t say that I have.

SARA
Oh, well let me know if you do. All right?

FELIX
Sure.

(SARA turns back to “The Blue

Parrot” just as SPUD groans from
behind the desk. SARA turns back
to FELIX.)

SARA
Did you say something?

FELIX
Me? Ahhhh...nope.

(SARA turns back around. SPUD

groans loader. SARA looks back at
FELIX and he fakes a cough and
clears his throat.)

SARA
Is everything okay?

FELIX
Yeah. Just a little throat thing. Don’t worry about me I’m...

(SPUD groans once more and rises

from behind the desk.)

SARA
(To SPUD.)
Oh my God! What are you doing behind there?

SPUD
(In a daze.)
I’m...not sure.

(SPUD winces and touches the back

of his head where FELIX hit him.)
I came down here for some reason and...

(SPUD sees FELIX and points to

him.)
He hit me!
 79

SARA
What!?

FELIX
Now Sara, why would I do something like that?

SPUD
Because he’s jealous! Green with envy because somebody else
is taking out “his girl”! That’s why you hit me over the
head. Ain’t that right?

SARA
Well, Felix?

(FELIX looks over at the trunks

and then back at SARA. He sighs.)

FELIX
Sure...that’s the reason.

SARA
Well, I never heard of something so...

(SARA moves to SPUD and takes him

by the hand. They start for the
elevator.)
Come on Spud. Let’s get to your room and put something on
that bump.

FELIX
Sara...

(SARA glares at FELIX, who goes

silent. SARA hits the elevator
call button and the elevator
opens. She and SPUD walk in and
the doors close. FELIX sighs.
SISTER MARY’S trunk shakes once
more.)
I’m coming! I’m coming!

(FELIX moves to the trunk and

opens it, allowing APRIL out.
She’s now dressed from head to
toe in a Nun’s uniform!)
I see you found something in there to wear.

APRIL
Not my first choice.

(FINESSE’S trunk (CONRAD

inside)shakes.)
 80

FELIX
All right, all right.

(FELIX opens FINESSE’S trunk and

CONRAD comes out in full drag!
FELIX looks CONRAD over.)

CONRAD
Couldn’t you have hid me somewhere else?

APRIL
Oh, look on the bright side pookie. At least that dress
matches your eyes.

CONRAD
Let’s just get our regular clothes back.

FELIX
Well, we might have a problem there. If Spud regains his
senses he might head right back to your room. I think its
best if I go up and you two just stay put here.

CONRAD
But--

FELIX
I really think it’s the best way.

CONRAD
Oh...all right.

FELIX
Fine. I’ll be back in a sec. You two just...act casual.

(CONRAD and APRIL look at each

other and then strike “casual”
poses-APRIL putting her hands
together for prayer and CONRAD
letting his wrist hang loose.)
Okay...maybe not that casual.

(FELIX begins up the stairs but

stops, running back to the desk
and putting up the “desk
unattended” sign. He then heads
back up the stairs and exits
across the landing. CONRAD
adjusts the front of his dress.)

CONRAD
I don’t know how you women wear these things.

APRIL
You get used to it after a while. Anyway, how do I look?
 81

CONRAD
Well, it’s not like I haven’t seen you in one of those
before.

(The elevator opens and SISTER

MARY enters. She spots APRIL and
walks up to her.)

SISTER MARY
Oh, well hello!

APRIL
Uh...hiya.

SISTER MARY
I didn’t know there was a fellow sister of God in the hotel.

(SISTER MARY takes APRIL’s hand in

hers.)
Sister Mary Matthews. It is a blessing to meet you.

APRIL
Yeah...same here.

(SISTER MARY gazes over at

CONRAD.)

SISTER MARY
And, who is your...friend?

APRIL
Oh...uh...just a poor lost sinner.

(APRIL touches CONRAD on the

forehead.)
May God bless you...and stuff.

SISTER MARY
Oh, how lovely.

(SISTER MARY puts her arm around

APRIL and guides her down stage.)
So tell me my child, what parish do you call home?

APRIL
Uh...Saint...Bernard’s.

SISTER MARY
Ah yes-patron Saint of the Alps. I don’t believe I’ve ever
had the pleasure of worshiping in a church in his honor.

APRIL
Well, ours is rather new.
 82

SISTER MARY
Really? Where are you located?

APRIL
Um...in the west...area.

SISTER MARY
Of New York?

APRIL
Sure.

SISTER MARY
Oh...and who’s your Mother Superior?

APRIL
Sister...Martha?

SISTER MARY
Ah yes, lovely woman from what I’m told. Though I did not
know she had put in for a transfer.

APRIL
Yes...it was a rather sudden thing.

(SISTER MARY examines APRIL and

gives her a smile.)

SISTER MARY
If I were to guess, you’re rather new to the nunhood aren’t
you?

APRIL
Ah...yes...new...very very new.

SISTER MARY
I could tell.

APRIL
Oh?

(SISTER MARY points to APRIL’S

waste.)

SISTER MARY
Your cincture.

APRIL
My what?

(SISTER MARY points to the rope

around her waist.)
 83

SISTER MARY
The rope around your waist. To hold your prayer beads.

APRIL
Oh yes...I must of misplaced it.

SISTER MARY
Well, that’s not a problem. I have an extra up in my room.

(SISTER MARY takes APRIL by the

shoulder once again and guides
her to the elevator.)

APRIL
Oh no, you don’t have to--

SISTER MARY
Oh, it’s no trouble at all. My pleasure in fact. It’s a gift
to give.

(SISTER MARY hits the elevator

call button as APRIL gives a
“help me” stare to CONRAD who
just shrugs. The elevator opens
and SISTER MARY and APRIL enter.)
So tell me, when were you confirmed?

APRIL
Well, I was sixteen behind the football bleachers.

(SISTER MARY gives a curious look

and the elevator closes. As
CONRAD stares at the elevator,
MANKIEWICZ enters from the
restaurant. He sees the back of
CONRAD and rushes over to him,
grabbing his arm.)

MANKIEWICZ
There you are! The show should have started ten minutes ago!

(MANKIEWICZ drags CONRAD toward

“The Blue Parrot.”)

CONRAD
No I--

MANKIEWICZ
Just get through this one last show and then I’ll call you a
cab to the airport myself but, right now, the Japanese await!
 84

(MANKIEWICZ and CONRAD exit into

“The Blue Parrot” as STANLEY and
FINESSE, now sobering up, enter
from the landing. STANLEY is
still helping FINESSE walk.)

STANLEY
All right, just keep putting one foot in front of the other--

FINESSE
I don’t feel so good. And you have no idea how hard it is to
walk in these heels.

(STANLEY and FINESSE begin down

the stairs, slowly.)

STANLEY
All right, you’re doing good. You’re doing good.

(STANLEY comes to his “stumble

step” and falls, grabbing the
rail to catch himself.)

FINESSE
I thought you were the sober one.

(STANLEY gets back up and takes

FINESSE by the arm.)

STANLEY
Come on.

(STANLEY and FINESSE move to the

reception chairs.)
Now, you just sit here for a moment and rest.

(STANLEY helps FINESSE sit down in

a chair.)
There.

(STANLEY spots the trash bag by

the canister.)
Oh, that’s right, the trash.

(STANLEY moves to the trash bag

and picks it up. He turns to
FINESSE.)
Now, I’m going to take this out to the dumpster. You just
stay where you’re at all right?

(FINESSE lets out a snore-he’s

already asleep. FELIX exits
through the front doors with the
trash bag.
 85

The elevator opens and LOUIE and

MAX enter. MAX pulls DANNY’S
trunk along with him.)

LOUIE
So, if the D.A. found the diamonds in the suitcase, he’d do
one of three things. Either he’d keep them, call his buddies
down at the station, or store them here at the hotel.

(MAX sits DANNY’S trunk down

horizontally, the lid at top, and
moves to LOUIE.)

MAX
Well, which one is it? The boss is waiting!

LOUIE
I don’t know dammit! I don’t know!

(LOUIE kicks the back of the trunk

and the latch snaps, opening the
lid.)
Ugh...close that will you?

MAX
Sure.

(MAX goes to the trunk and looks

inside.)
Uh...Louie?

LOUIE
Yeah?

MAX
How many people did we kill?

LOUIE
What? Why?

(LOUIE moves back to the trunk and

looks in. His mouth drops open.)
Who the hell is that!?

MAX
The one wrapped up in those sheets like a mummy?

LOUIE
Who else!

(LOUIE slams the trunk lid shut

and grabs MAX by his coat.)
 86

LOUIE
All right, somebody’s trying to pull a fast one on us! Frame
us for this guy too!

(The elevator opens and FELIX,

carrying all of CONRAD and
APRIL’S suitcases, enters.)

MAX
Well, what are we going to do?

LOUIE
We gotta find those diamonds now!

(LOUIE takes a pistol from his

inside jacket pocket and rushes
up to FELIX.)
All right! This is a stick up! Drop everything!

(FELIX drops all of the suitcases

and puts his hand up.)

MAX
Diamonds.

FELIX
Diamonds?

LOUIE
Diamonds! A case of them that your guest Bellows checked in
with.

FELIX
And you don’t think Mr. Bellows would have a problem with you
taking them?

LOUIE
Not anymore he don’t.

(The elevator opens and SARA,

SPUD, APRIL, and SISTER MARY
enter. SPUD now holds an ice pack
to his head while APRIL has a
Cincture around her waste. They
all stop as they see LOUIE with
the gun.)

APRIL
What the--

(LOUIE whips around and points his

pistol at SARA and the group.)
 87

LOUIE
Everybody freeze! Don’t move a muscle!

(MAX reaches into his pocket and

pulls out a pistol, training it
on the group.)

SARA
What’s this all about?

FELIX
They’ve come for the diamonds.

SARA
Diamonds? What diamonds?

FELIX
They belonged to Mr. Bellows.

LOUIE
They belong to the boss. We stole them with Danny but then
Danny stole them from us.

FELIX
So, technically they’re still not yours are they?

LOUIE
Can it. Now, the diamonds!

(MR. MANKIEWICZ enters from “The

Blue Parrot,” moving right up to
FELIX at the desk.)

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Felix! Would you mind telling who that is on stage? And
where’s Lautrec?

(MANKIEWICZ notices FINESSE in the

reception chair, still asleep.)
Oh great! Asleep on the job!

FELIX
Uhhh...Uncle--

MR. MANKIEWICZ
I gave you specific instructions! Keep an eye on Finesse and
get her...um...him on stage on time!

FELIX
Uncle--
 88

MR. MANKIEWICZ
And that’s another thing! At work it’s Mr...

(MANKIEWICZ sees LOUIE and MAX,

waving their pistols his way.)
What the hell’s going on?

FELIX
They’ve come for a briefcase of diamonds.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Diamonds? What diamonds?

MAX
Well you see--

LOUIE
Oh, shut up!

(LOUIE cocks his gun and points it

at FELIX.)

SARA
Felix!

FELIX
Don’t worry, it’ll be all right.

LOUIE
It will be if we get what we came for. Diamonds! Where are
they?

FELIX
They’re in the hotel safe here at the desk.

LOUIE
All right, move it!

(LOUIE and FELIX go behind the

desk as MAX moves beside it.)
All right then, open it!

(FELIX bends down and start to

open the safe.)

MAX
(To SISTER MARY and APRIL)
So what’s with you two? A convention in town?

SISTER MARY
Shame on you! What would your mother think?
 89

MAX
Eh...like father like son?

(FELIX comes up from the safe with

the briefcase (CONRAD’S).)

FELIX
All right. Here it is.

(LOUIE grabs the briefcase and

opens it, pulling out some of
CONRAD’S business papers.)

LOUIE
What the hell is this! More papers!

FELIX
Papers?

MAX
Again?

APRIL
Hey, those are Harold’s!

FELIX/MAX/LOUIE
Harold’s?

APRIL
Well, yeah but I thought...he’s got the exact same briefcase--

LOUIE
And where is it?

APRIL
With our luggage--

(FELIX points to CONRAD and

APRIL’S luggage pile. LOUIE
throws CONRAD’S briefcase to the
ground and moves to the luggage
pile.)

LOUIE
Fine.
(to MAX)
Keep your eyes sharp!

MAX
I got’em.

(LOUIE sorts through the luggage

until taking hold of another
black briefcase (CRICK’S).)
 90

LOUIE
Gotcha!

(LOUIE opens it and CRICK’S

emergency supplies fall out.)
Is this some kinda joke!

FELIX
Wait, that’s Mr. Cricks!

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Who’s Crick?

FELIX
Oh, he is a...er...he was a guest.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Was?

FELIX
Well...he...Oh, what’s it matter now. He sort of...keeled
over in the lobby.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
And why didn’t I hear about this?

FELIX
Because we put him in that trunk over there...

(FELIX points to DANNY’S trunk.)

...and he may have been the Redheaded Critic.

MR.MANKIEWICZ
What!

MAX
So he’s the other body.

FELIX
Yeah...wait...the other body?

LOUIE
You didn’t see our diamond thief when you dumped your guy in
the trunk?

(FELIX looks at LOUIE, who nods a

“go ahead.” FELIX then moves to
Danny’s trunk. He opens it and
looks inside.)
 91

FELIX
Well, what do you know.

(MANKIEWICZ moves to the trunk and

looks in.)

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Which one’s Crick?

FELIX
The one on the top.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Wrapped up like a mummy?

FELIX
It was Stanley’s idea.

(FELIX closes the trunk’s lid.

LOUIE scratches his head and
moves back to MAX at the desk.)

MAX
(To LOUIE)
So what are we gonna do now?

LOUIE
(To FELIX)
I’ll give you one last shot. Where are the diamonds?

(FELIX thinks really hard,

mumbling to himself and
performing motions in the
process. He even counts on his
fingers. Finally...)

FELIX
I have no idea.

LOUIE
Fine. A hostage! We’ll take a hostage and split. That’ll
give’em all some initiative to find the loot.
(to MAX)
Grab somebody.

(MAX scans the group and finally

points to SPUD.)

MAX
What about him? Looks like somebody’s already saved us the
time of roughing him up.

SPUD
Me? No, no, no.
 92

LOUIE
And why not?

SPUD
Well, I’m a valuable member of the press! My services are
needed by the public!

(SPUD looks at SARA.)

But she’d be great.

SARA
Spud!

SPUD
Yeah, she’s got it all. Damsel in distress...you know, the
whole she-bang.

LOUIE
(To MAX)
Grab her.

FELIX
No wait!...Take me.

SARA
Felix don’t...

FELIX
(To LOUIE)
My Uncle here can find the diamonds while you hold me. He
runs the place. He’ll know every nook and cranny they could
be hiding. Please...just take me...and leave the girl out of
this.

MAX
Louie?

LOUIE
Fine! I don’t care who we take, we just gotta take somebody!

(MAX motions to FELIX.)

MAX
Well, you heard him. Come on.

(As FELIX walks slowly to MAX,

STANLEY enters from the front
doors, which stand behind MAX and
LOUIE but in plain sight of
everyone else. The group of
hostages gasp.)
 93

LOUIE
What? Why’s everyone looking at me like that?

(LOUIE begins to turn around and

STANLEY dives behind the trash
can, out of sight.)

FELIX
Excuse me!

(LOUIE turns back to FELIX.)

Just a small question...

(STANLEY stands back up.)

As your hostage, will I be fed by you goons or will it just
be take out!

LOUIE
Gee...I don’t know. I haven’t actually kidnapped anyone
before.

MAX
It’s new for me too.

FELIX
Well, with me, I like my eggs for breakfast scrambled, so I
hope you have a nice...big...frying pan!

(STANLEY slowly sneaks behind the

desk, grabbing the frying pan.)

LOUIE
Geez! What’s with all the yelling?

(FELIX moves to MAX.) )

FELIX
Yelling? Oh, my bad. I’ve a bit of a trick ear.

(STANLEY slowly gets on top the

desk, crouching over LOUIE and
MAX.)

LOUIE
All right, we’re out of here. Now, we’ll call this lobby in
three hours and either you’ve found the diamonds or it’s
lights out for our hostage here. Got that?

(The group all nod. STANLEY raises

the frying pan above his head.)
Good. And another thing--

FELIX
No, I think we should just leave now!
 94

LOUIE
Hey pal! We’ll leave when I’m good and--

(FELIX ducks and STANLEY swings

the frying pan, clobbering LOUIE
over the head. MAX whirls around
just in time to see STANLEY.)

MAX
What the--

(STANLEY swings again, knocking

MAX out cold.)

STANLEY
And it’s out of the park! The crowd goes wild! Ahhh!

FELIX
(To the group.)
A little help here!

(The group comes to their senses

and MANKIEWICZ and SPUD run over
to the gangsters, moving their
bodies up against the desk’s
front. SARA runs up to FELIX.)

SARA
Are you all right?

FELIX
Yeah, I’m fine. No worse for wear.

SARA
You stood up for me.

FELIX
Well, of course I did.

(SPUD moves up to the couple,

coming up in between them.)

SPUD
Hey Sara, what a story huh? I’l have to get a picture of you
with those thugs and then tomorrow you’ll be front page news!

(SPUD reaches for SARA but she

shies away.)

SPUD
What’s a matter baby?
 95

SARA
What’s a matter? Five minutes ago you threw me to those
killers!

SPUD
Oh that was just in the heat of the moment sweetheart. It was
survival of the fittest! Instinct!

(SARA turns to FELIX.)

SARA
Well, I like his instincts better.

SPUD
What? This guy? If you may remember, that jerk knocked me out
in a fit of jealousy.

FELIX
I wasn’t jealous of you...well, maybe a little, but you were
trying to shame my guests and well...I’ll admit it got a bit
out of hand.

(FELIX grins and chuckles.)

SARA
What?

FELIX
All night I’ve been trying to ask you out to dinner but now--

(SARA gets really close to FELIX.)

SARA
Yeah?

FELIX
Now all I want to do is skip to dessert.

(FELIX and SARA smile at each

other and kiss. SPUD throws up
his hands.)

SPUD
Oh, brother.

(MANKIEWICZ, who’s by the

gangsters, stands up.)

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Does anybody have something we could tie these two up with?
 96

APRIL
Well, I’ve got handcuffs in that suitcase.

(APRIL points to one of her pink

suitcases in the pile and
MANKIEWICZ opens it, pulling out
a fuzzy pair of leopard print
handcuffs. Everyone looks at
APRIL.)

APRIL
Well...what did you expect?

SPUD
Wait a minute, you’re the D.A.’s broad!

(APRIL turns to SISTER MARY.)

APRIL
I’m sorry Sister but he’s right, I’m no nun. In fact, I’m
just the opposite, a lady in love with a married politician.

STANLEY
Say, where is he anyway?

(Suddenly, clapping comes from the

restaurant and CONRAD enters the
lobby, still in full drag.)

CONRAD
Hello all!

(APRIL runs up to CONRAD.)

APRIL
Baby! Where have you been?

CONRAD
Lip synching my heart out for a beautiful Japanese audience!
I’ve found it again baby! The passion of a live crowd!

(CONRAD sees SPUD.)

Oh and you! Write whatever you want! I’m leaving the
political scene for good.

APRIL
But your wife--

CONRAD
Is a pain in the ass. Besides, she only loved being married
to Mr. District Attorney. She’d never accept who I now want
to be-Pookie Conrad! Diva of the stage!
 97

APRIL
Oh pookie!

(APRIL and CONRAD hug and CONRAD

moves to FELIX.)

CONRAD
Oh, and don’t think I’ve forgotten about you. I’m sure
whatever happened to that gentleman you found can be resolved
easily with an autopsy. And, if it does go to court, I’ll do
whatever I can. Cross my corset.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Well, at least something good came from all this.

FELIX
I am really sorry.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Well, from what it sounds like, it’s hardly all your fault.
But, with their critic dead in our lobby, I highly doubt “The
Times” will review us very favorably.

SISTER MARY
Actually, I wouldn’t be so sure of that.

FELIX
What do you mean?

SISTER MARY
Well, you see, you haven’t actually got a dead hotel critic
on your hands.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
What?

(SISTER MARY takes hold of her

habit and pulls it off, revealing
a full head of red hair!)

SISTER MARY
Sylvia Chabon, the Redheaded Critic at your service.

APRIL
Wait, you’re not a Nun either?

SISTER MARY (SYLVIA)

Speak for yourself Miss Handcuffs.

APRIL
But the rosary beads...that rope thingy...all that Catholic
stuff--
 98

SISTER MARY (SYLVIA)

You don’t stay a secret very long if you don’t do your
homework.

FELIX
So why unveil yourself now? To us?

SISTER MARY (SYLVIA)

If I didn’t do it, the police report would for me. Best you
find out this way.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
So, I must ask, what are you going to write about “The
Duchess?”

SISTER MARY (SYLVIA)

Well, let’s see...the rooms are clean and you allowed me to
store my trunk in the lobby, but you could use a few more
towels in the bathroom and a slightly better selection in the
mini-fridge. But there is one main thing...the staff here
really works together, even in the most...difficult of
circumstances. And, for that, I’ll recommend this hotel to my
readers.

FELIX
Well, not a bad review if I may say so myself, aye Unc...Mr.
Mankiewicz.

MR. MANKIEWICZ
Not bad at all. And Felix...it’s Uncle Gabe to you.

(FELIX and MANKIEWICZ share a

grin.)

STANLEY
Can I call you Uncle Gabe?

MR MANKIEWICZ
No.

(From his chair, FINESSE wakes up,

giving a yawn.)

FINESSE
Would you people keep it down.

STANLEY
Miss. Lautrec, how are you feeling?

(FINESSE gets up with a groan from

his chair.)

FINESSE
Like I got hit by a Rolls Royce.
 99

FELIX
I think you mean a Mac truck.

FINESSE
Oh, don’t be ridiculous. I’d never be caught dead getting hit
by one of those.

(FINESSE moves towards the desk.)

By the way, I think I will take that old briefcase. Though
it’s not necessarily my style, it should go well with a few
of my travel gowns and, to be honest, beggars simply can’t be
choosers.

(FINESSE goes up to the trash can

and looks in.)

FELIX
Wait a minute, what briefcase?

FINESSE
There was one I took out of the trash earlier but threw it
back. Huh, it’s not in here anymore.

(FELIX eyes go wide.)

FELIX
The diamonds!

(FELIX rushes to the trash can and

looks in as well.)
It’s empty!

STANLEY
Oh, that’s because I dumped it.

FELIX
You what!

STANLEY
Well, you set the bag out so I--

FELIX
So you what??

STANLEY
Now, don’t worry. It’s in the back dumpster. In fact, that’s
why I was outside so long. The night garbage men were talking
my ear off.

FELIX
The night garbage men?
 100

STANLEY
Yeah...the ones who take out the...

(STANLEY grows quiet. Tension

fills the air. Suddenly, he makes
a break for the front doors and
everyone follows. The lobby is
silent with MAX and LOUIE the
only souls left. Suddenly, FELIX
rushes back inside, moves behind
the desk, puts up the “Desk
Unattended” sign, and runs back
out of the lobby entrance.)

CURTAIN