V 3.

0 – 2/26/22

macbitches
by Sophie McIntosh

(608) 630-7694
mcintoshmarron@gmail.com
Brooklyn, NY 11206
 time
fall. the end of audition week.

setting
a college apartment.
also, the campus of a mid-sized public university in Minnesota.

characters
Hailey Hudson (Lady Macbeth) is a freshman BFA acting major from Kokomo, IN. She is
thrilled to be making her mainstage debut at UMNC. “Shoutout to Mr. Hansen and the KHS
Drama Squad!”

Piper Bell (Messenger #1) is a sophomore BFA acting major from Eagle Bend, MN. She has
previously been seen on UMNC’s mainstage as Berta in Hedda Gabler. “Psalm 33:3.”

Cam Witkowski (Gentlewoman) is a junior BFA acting major and philosophy minor from
Marquette, MI. She has previously been seen on UMNC’s mainstage as a Wedding Guest in The
Drowsy Chaperone, Theban Elder/Chorus in Antigone, and a Nymph in The Tempest. “All my
love to Mom, Dad, Abbie, and Lou (but none to Brian).”

Alexis Lapp (Lady Macduff) is a senior BFA acting major from St. Paul, MN. She has
previously been seen on UMNC’s mainstage as Kitty in The Drowsy Chaperone, Juno in The
Tempest, Mary Warren in The Crucible, and others. “This one’s for you, Mom.”

Rachel LeBeau (First Witch) is a senior BFA acting major from Sterling, IL. She has previously
been seen on UMNC’s mainstage as Hedda Tesman in Hedda Gabler, Janet Van de Graaff in
The Drowsy Chaperone, Abigail Williams in The Crucible, and others. “Thank you to the
teachers who have guided me along my way.”
 (when the house doors open, audiences are met with a
totally empty theatrical space—ideally a black box, but
almost any stage will do.

as people begin to file into their seats, Rachel enters,

carrying a coffee table. she takes it to center, places it upon
its spike marks, and adjusts it to her liking. over the next
several minutes, she proceeds to bring on other set pieces—
furniture, bottles of alcohol, posters from collegiate
productions. slowly, a small “apartment” takes shape.

finally, Rachel exits and returns hauling a couch. Lexi has

joined her, dutifully lugging the other end. they both sit.

Rachel notices she has torn the hem of her shirt. she
frowns, takes out a sewing kit, and begins to mend it. Lexi
pulls out her phone and continually refreshes her email
inbox with angry jabs at its screen. when the lights fall over
the house, they only intensify on Rachel and Lexi.

Rachel cuts her thread. sets down her scissors. checks her
phone briefly. goes back to sewing, apparently
unconcerned. a few moments of this, then:)

LEXI
these bastards
sadistic little assholes

RACHEL
it’s going to be out soon

LEXI
fuck soon
they said they’d let us know by seven
it’s already ten p.m.

RACHEL
it’ll come when it comes

LEXI
cocky bitch

RACHEL
what will be
will be

1
 (Lexi stews. Rachel sews. the lights in the living room dim
slightly. Cam and Piper appear in spots downstage, on the
phone with each other.)

PIPER
hey, I’ll be over in a sec
think I’m gonna call it quits here

CAM
don’t blame you
three hours late
such bullshit

PIPER
I’m actually kind of bummed
it’s just more fun to find out at the call board
I mean, y’know, with everyone

CAM
more stressful, I’d say

PIPER
yeah
but at least we all get to be stressed together, you know?
it’s like a bonding experience!

CAM
I guess

PIPER
finding out from an email just seems so cold

(beat.)

LEXI
jesus fucking shit

RACHEL
Lex
chill

PIPER
hey Cam?

CAM
yeah?

2
PIPER
I’m nervous

CAM
you got nothing to stress about
I could’ve told you ninety percent of the cast the second the season was announced
if Zach isn’t Macbeth, I’ll eat shit
and we allllll know who Arik’s casting as Lady M

(Rachel preens behind them.)

PIPER
yeah, but

CAM
and come on, Arik likes you too
if you’re worried about anyone, worry about me

PIPER
I don’t know
something just feels weird
I mean, why is it taking so long?

CAM
took ’em longer than this to put out the cast list last fall

PIPER
but last fall’s casting was

CAM
was a dumpster fire

PIPER
yeah
so like

CAM
whatever happens, there’s no way it can be a bigger clusterfuck than Drowsy Chaperone
you were too new last year to even realize / how insane—

(she is cut off by an Outlook ping notification that sounds

from all of their phones. or maybe it comes from the ether,
a summon from the theatre gods: “look upon me and
accept thy destiny.” the girls freeze.)

3
LEXI
Rachel

PIPER
ohmigod
it’s out

CAM
shit
Pipes, I’m gonna

PIPER
yeah, no, go for it

CAM
bye

PIPER
bye

(they hang up. a deep breath. then they all open the email.)

CAM
ho
ly
shit

(Piper gasps. Cam begins to laugh.)

LEXI
what the hell

PIPER
oh my god

(Cam keeps laughing, even as she scrubs away tears.

Rachel has not moved—has not breathed.)

LEXI
Hailey Hudson?
Hailey Hudson?!
who the FUCK?

(Lexi punches a pillow or a piece of furniture. Hailey

stumbles giddily onstage, clutching her phone.)

4
HAILEY
ohmigod
ohmigod
oh
my
god!!!

(this seems to reach Rachel, deep within her trance. Rachel

looks up. stares straight at Hailey. then she opens her
mouth and screams.

blackout.)

(Hailey stands in a spot front and center, alone outside the

Center for Fine Arts. she receives a Snapchat, takes a
beaming selfie, and sends it along.

Piper enters, squealing as she runs to embrace Hailey.)

PIPER
Hailey! oh my godddd!

HAILEY
heyyy!

PIPER
congratulations! ahhh!

HAILEY
aww, thank youuu

PIPER
Lady Mac!!!

HAILEY
haha, thanks
it’s sooooo crazy!

PIPER
and, I mean, as a freshman!
that is like
wow!
you must be so excited

5
HAILEY
I am!
like literally so stoked
I already told my parents and they’re gonna come see the show both weekends
they’re like really proud

PIPER
I’m proud!
oh man
when I gave you your tour last spring, I knew I had a good feeling about you
and now look at you!
out there getting the lead your first semester!

HAILEY
it’s just so unexpected
like not that I thought it was gonna go bad or whatever
I mean actually, walking out of that audition
I kinda had a feeling
but still
oh my god, right?

PIPER
this is so huge for you!
aww, I’m so glad we kept in touch
it’s gonna be amazing to be in it together

HAILEY
oh yeah that’s right!
congrats by the way
on getting
uh

PIPER
Messenger #1
haha

HAILEY
oh cool!
cool
that’s gonna be so fun

PIPER
we have a scene together!
or like a couple lines

6
HAILEY
aww I love that!

PIPER
way better than being Messenger #3
and having Zach scream at me about Birnam Wood coming to Dunsinane

HAILEY
haha yeah
but like anyway!
thanks again for inviting me to this thing!

PIPER
oh, absolutely!
Rachel and Lexi are pumped to meet you

HAILEY
really?? awesome!
hey
it’s not gonna be like

PIPER
what?

HAILEY
like weird or anything? right?
cuz I mean they were both
I mean all three of us made it to the second round for Lady Mac?

PIPER
well, this is their fourth year going through this
and they’re like very professional
they’re not gonna hold it against you

HAILEY
right haha
I’ve been dying to get to know Rachel
I mean seriously, her Lady Mac callback
holy shit

PIPER
yeah
she’s like unbelievably talented

7
HAILEY
I was telling my roommate Jess about it
Jess didn’t get a Lady Mac callback
so I was telling her about that thing Rachel did with
like during “such I account thy love”

PIPER
this is gonna sound cheesy
but she’s honestly such an inspiration to me

HAILEY
no totally
hey
do you think it’d be cool if I invited Jess too?

(Cam enters, coming toward them.)

PIPER
I don’t know
we can ask!

HAILEY
awesome

CAM
would you look at these losers

PIPER
Cam…
(Piper hugs Cam—subdued, solemn, an embrace of comfort
rather than celebration.)
how’re you doing?

CAM
I’m fine
just dandy
you?

PIPER
I’m good

CAM
yeah?

PIPER
yeah

8
CAM
alright
then how ’bout introducing me to this lucky bitch

PIPER
oh, sorry
Hailey, this is Cam
she’s an acting major too—a junior
Cam, / this is

HAILEY
hi!!
I’m Hailey

CAM
yes you are
congrats

HAILEY
thanks!
you’re in it too, right?

CAM
yep
your Gentlewoman is at your service, m’lady

(she does a shitty mock curtsy.)

HAILEY
haha
right

CAM
so what’re you like, Hailey? you chill?

HAILEY
yeah?

CAM
(to Piper, fake-whispering:)
is she chill?

PIPER
oh my god, Cam
yes

9
CAM
good
so, we ready to roll out?

PIPER
yeah, let’s go

HAILEY
hey wait
have you guys accepted your roles yet? like signed off on the call board?

PIPER
yep!

CAM
nah

HAILEY
well, there’s lots of people inside kinda partying
like hanging around the board to, y’know, congratulate people
if you wanted to cut through on the way!

CAM
trust me
they aren’t there to congratulate me
c’mon, let’s just go around

HAILEY
but like
you still gotta sign off, though
I mean, at some point

CAM
I’ve got twenty-four hours ’til Arik officially owns my ass
he can wait ’til morning for my signature
now, are we good to go or what?

PIPER
yeah

HAILEY
…yeah

(they head offstage.)

10
CAM
time to get fucked uppppppp

(lights up on Lexi and Rachel’s apartment. Rachel is

tidying up her sewing supplies. Lexi enters with a
terrifyingly large bottle of tequila. she takes a shot.)

RACHEL
hey
slow down

LEXI
just pregaming

RACHEL
they’ll be here soon
you have to be cool tonight, alright?

LEXI
(indifferent:)
yeah

RACHEL
no bullshit

LEXI
yeah

RACHEL
Lexi, what are you?

LEXI
what?

RACHEL
what are you?

LEXI
I / don’t

RACHEL
you’re a fucking actress
so be one

11
 (Rachel stares her down. beat. Lexi sets the bottle aside.)

LEXI
okay
jesus

(a knock on the door. Rachel goes to open it. Cam, Piper,

and Hailey stand in the hall.)

CAM
heyyyy

RACHEL
hey, come on in

PIPER
hi, Rachel

RACHEL
aww, Piper

(Rachel pulls her into a very motherly hug.)

LEXI
(to Cam:)
how’s it going?

CAM
it’s sucking ass, thanks for asking
how ’bout you, Lady ’Duff?

(Lexi scoffs.)

RACHEL
Cam…

(Rachel hugs Cam tightly. Cam softens.)

CAM
I’m fine, Rach
I’ll get over it

RACHEL
on the bright side
at least you have lines this time

12
 (Piper and Lexi don’t hug but kind of nod at one another.
Hailey hovers awkwardly near the door.)

CAM
haha yeah
how you doing, witch bitch?

RACHEL
I’m great
it’s a great part
I’ve got nothing to complain about

CAM
yeah
I just know you wanted

RACHEL
I wanted to be in the show
and I’m in it
we’re all in it
and it’s going to be a blast

HAILEY
yeah!

(Rachel finally turns to look at Hailey.)

RACHEL
so
Hailey

HAILEY
…hi

(Rachel appraises her. then she smiles.)

RACHEL
congratulations
you were incredible in callbacks

PIPER
so awesome, Hailey

CAM
that was pretty sick

13
LEXI
yeah
great

HAILEY
ahhhhhh thank you!
thank you so much!
(to Rachel:)
so were you
I mean just like amazing
(to everyone else:)
and you guys were all
everyone did so good

PIPER
I mean I think everyone should be proud!

RACHEL
definitely
come on, guys, sit wherever
anyone want anything to drink?

CAM
I stocked up earlier today

(she pulls a bottle of Fireball from her backpack.)

LEXI
are you trying to fucking suffer tonight?

CAM
bitch, I have already suffered
sometimes you just gotta keep digging deeper
so, yeah, I’m good
but if you got any Mike’s Hards or something for Pipes, that’d be rad

PIPER
I’m fine, guys

CAM
no
you are not fine
and you are not getting out of this

14
RACHEL
we’ll see what we’ve got
Lex, I’ll take a Cosmo
(to Hailey:)
what do you want?

HAILEY
um uh
I’ll have one too
a Cosmo

CAM
ooh and bring me a shot glass, ’kay?

LEXI
yeah, got it

(Lexi moves toward the kitchen.)

HAILEY
wait
(Lexi turns back.)
do you have any wine?

LEXI
no

RACHEL
yeah, I don’t think we do
sorry

(Lexi exits. she should ideally remain visible in the

“wings,” making drinks and listening in.)

HAILEY
it’s okay
I just thought wine would be like appropriate for
like it seems like a Maccers kind of drink

(Rachel laughs.)

RACHEL
“Maccers”

15
CAM
ugh
Piper’s the same
superstitious as hell

PIPER
hey
it’s like a common thing

RACHEL
but we aren’t even in a theatre right now

CAM
everywhere you go is your theatre, Rach
you bring it with you

RACHEL
still

HAILEY
it was a big deal at my high school
like this girl Annette Cleaver had a meltdown one year cuz someone said it opening night of
Legally Blonde
she refused to go on ’til the kid did the spit-and-spin-around thing

RACHEL
wow

CAM
sounds kind of psychotic to me

HAILEY
well, she was
but that was like a separate issue

PIPER
my youth group back home was the same
for us it was always “the Scottish play”
they actually did the show a couple years before I joined
and nobody called it by its real name the entire run
like ever

RACHEL
must’ve made it hard to have an actual discussion about the show

16
CAM
knowing Piper’s youth group, there probably wasn’t much of that going on anyway
just like
“how does this murder spree reflect the teachings of our lord and savior Jesus Christ?”

PIPER
come on
they’re Christian but they aren’t that Christian

CAM
they had you guys high five instead of stage kiss
in The fucking Sound of Music

RACHEL
I’m surprised they let you do Macbeth in the first place

HAILEY
yeah with all the child murder and like suicide

CAM
and there’s paganism too
scary scary devil worship

PIPER
I mean they toned down a lot of the witch stuff
and we didn’t do the Hecate scene in our production

(she totally butchers the pronunciation of “Hecate.”)

RACHEL
well of course not

CAM
I kinda wish Arik had kept it in for us

RACHEL
why?

CAM
would’ve been another female role, at least

RACHEL
any competent director cuts the Hecate scene
wasn’t even written by Shakespeare
it’s a corruption of the text
plain and simple

17
HAILEY
yeah but it’s not like Shakespeare is like totally pure

RACHEL
oh?

HAILEY
I mean he probably wasn’t even a real person, right?
my AP Lit teacher told us that
or like, even if he was, he was just a peasant or something
so there’s no way he could’ve written all that stuff by himself

RACHEL
god
do not tell me you’re an Anti-Stratfordian

HAILEY
um

CAM
ah, here we go

RACHEL
first of all
Shakespeare was a real person
there are records of his baptism and estate
you can go Stratford-Upon-Avon and look at his grave
it’s there
secondly
people who preach that Shakespeare could never have written his plays because he wasn’t
educated enough
or well-bred enough
or whatever
are ignorant, privileged pseudo-scholars who don’t want to believe that true art
true genius
can come from anyone

HAILEY
I
that’s not what I

PIPER
no, we know
Rachel’s not accusing you of

18
RACHEL
no
I’m sure you’re just repeating what you “learned” in school
this is just something I’m really passionate about

HAILEY
sorry
I didn’t mean to like

RACHEL
it’s fine
you’re fine

CAM
I personally don’t think it matters now anyway
dude is hella dead
not like he’s getting royalties

HAILEY
ha, yeah

RACHEL
god knows that I’ll defend Shakespeare to my grave
but I will say this
ultimately his plays aren’t meaningful because of who they were by
but because of what they’ve become

PIPER
I mean they’re just so universal
so

RACHEL
just think of how many thousands of actors have said those words before us
lived through those exact emotional beats
time after time

PIPER
kinda like a ritual
or
I don’t know
a prayer

RACHEL
yes

19
PIPER
I love that

HAILEY
I totally never thought about it that way

CAM
you just blew her mind

RACHEL
welcome to theatre school
lots of people are gonna be telling you what to think for the next four years
up to you to figure out which of them are worth listening to

LEXI
(offstage:)
RACH!

RACHEL
YEAH?

LEXI
(offstage:)
C’MERE A SECOND

RACHEL
sorry, guys
be right back

(she exits to join Lexi in the kitchen. beat.)

HAILEY
so uh
she’s kind of intense about Shakespeare

CAM
oh, she’s intense about a lot of stuff
part of what makes her so good

PIPER
she’s like the most dedicated actress I know

HAILEY
no yeah I mean it’s cool!
she’s so cool

20
PIPER
she’s taught me so much
last year we were in Hedda Gabler together
well she was Hedda and I was just the maid

CAM
but you totally crushed it

HAILEY
wait, yeah, I saw Hedda when I came for my tour!
I thought it was awesome!

PIPER
yes, it was great
but I was a freshman and it was my first role and I was super intimidated by Rachel
but she really went out of her way to help me

HAILEY
that’s so sweet

PIPER
like showed me her preshow prep
and these breathing exercises to help me calm down

CAM
she did the same thing for me in The Tempest
I was just a little fuckup nymph
but Rachel took me under her wing, got everyone to stop busting my balls
I had a huge crush on her that whole year haha

PIPER
at first Arik would give me notes and I’d just go to the bathroom and cry
but Rachel helped me realize it isn’t like a personal attack, you know?
if it hadn’t been for her, I don’t think I would’ve made it through tech week

CAM
I don’t think I would’ve made it through sophomore year
I owe her a lot

HAILEY
guys I’m so excited to be doing this show with her

(Rachel and Lexi reenter. Rachel carries two Cosmos. Lexi

holds a mixed drink and a couple shot glasses.)

21
LEXI
alright
let’s wreck

CAM
jesus, what took so long?

LEXI
just decided I’d rather skip the Shakespeare lecture
(she nudges Rachel.)
Piper, best I could find was Svedka
here, I mixed it for you

PIPER
oh
thanks

RACHEL
our pleasure

(Lexi pours herself a glass of tequila, neat.)

HAILEY
oh crap!
I totally forgot to ask
would it be cool if I invited my roommate to come hang with us?
I promise she’s really chill

LEXI
yeah, no
I think we’re good here

HAILEY
uh

RACHEL
what Lexi means is that this has been a crazy night for everyone
so maybe we’d better keep the gathering small
just to keep the good vibes going

HAILEY
okay
yeah, I totally
yeah

22
RACHEL
besides, I didn’t invite you here to get to know your roommate
I want to get to know you

HAILEY
aww haha thanks!

(Cam throws back a shot.)

CAM
blehhh

LEXI
fuckin excruciating

CAM
yeah

LEXI
can I have some?

(Cam passes the bottle to Lexi.)

CAM
phew
just what the doctor ordered after this bullshit week

PIPER
I’m so glad it’s over
audition week kills me

HAILEY
I thought it was kinda fun

CAM
of course you did

RACHEL
it’s the best part of the semester
all the tension buzzing through the CFA

HAILEY
yes!
and it feels like anything could happen!

23
CAM
first round of callbacks just totally kicked my ass

LEXI
Arik kept the Lady Macduffs ’til two a.m. on Tuesday
and for what?
I have one scene
not like I’m gonna make or break the show

PIPER
I had English at eight the next morning
I was a total zombie

CAM
at least Martin kept it snappy this year
Guys and Dolls was out by one

HAILjEY
I really liked the way Arik did his
like for the first round, where he called everyone in and we all watched each other do it
that was so cool

CAM
hell no
it’s like psychological torture

LEXI
that’s how he always runs his
first round in front of everyone

RACHEL
second round closed-door
just you and him

PIPER
both so stressful
but first round is the worst
like there’s nothing scarier than performing in front of your friends

LEXI
they’re not your friends
they’re bitches who hate you and want you to fail

24
CAM
well, sometimes they’re both
plus they’ve been listening to the same three pages of the same scene over and over for hours
literally the most hostile audience you will ever have

PIPER
that’s actually kinda true
auditioning for Hedda was wayyy scarier than opening night

RACHEL
it’s all part of Arik’s method
if you can handle his auditions, you can handle anything the production will throw at you

HAILEY
so it’s like a test

RACHEL
exactly
and you can either let it psych you out
or you can let yourself get excited by the challenge

HAILEY
I thought it was like
exhilarating

CAM
you guys are masochists

HAILEY
I mean it was also just interesting to see how everyone else did the scene
(to Rachel:)
like watching you do it the first time with
what was his name?

RACHEL
Connor

PIPER
ugh, he’s so great!!

HAILEY
yeah! and then seeing how much it changed when you did it with uh
Jordan?

CAM
fuck Arik for pairing you with those guys, by the way

25
LEXI
I got stuck with Nate
shithead kept mispronouncing “prithee” like “prithy”
I wanted to beat his ass so bad

CAM
least he was better than Ethan
showing up in skinny jeans and Birkenstocks
I don’t know what Arik was thinking, calling him back

LEXI
and casting him!
Ethan as Third Murderer?!

HAILEY
which one was Ethan?

PIPER
the one with the
he’s got like really good cheekbones

RACHEL
I’m sure he’ll do something interesting with the part
he’s not a bad actor

LEXI
he’s bad at combat, though
so fucking bad
I TA’d him last semester and he almost failed the broadsword unit

CAM
well, that’s why you were cast as Lady Macduff
so when he kills you, you can make it look good

RACHEL
you are really good at dying, Lexi

LEXI
yeah
but I’m even better at killing
I mean, Arik couldn’t’ve made me a murderer?
or like genderbent one of the thanes?

CAM
hear, hear

26
LEXI
I’d rather be a soldier in the fucking ensemble if I got to do some sword work
we start building our websites for Showcase next semester
all I want is one good production photo of me with a sword

CAM
I’m still pissed he wouldn’t let me audition for the Porter
but yeah, even a soldier sounds more fun than stupid-ass Gentlewoman

RACHEL
look, you can complain if you want
but you got parts that are going to look way better on your resumes than some ensemble role
with no lines
so come on, be grateful
besides, there’s a reason Arik kept the casting gendered

CAM
why?

RACHEL
I don’t know yet
but I’m sure it’s some kind of commentary on like
Arik always has a deeper purpose

PIPER
it’s probably a conceptual thing, right?

HAILEY
yeah I’ve heard he’s like super conceptual

CAM
well, traditional casting doesn’t sound like a very radical concept to me
I don’t know
like I just think like
like

LEXI
like they should’ve just stuck him in the fucking musical!

HAILEY
what?

LEXI
fucking Ethan!

27
CAM
are we still talking about this?

LEXI
he’d be way better off playing some gambler in Guys and Dolls

PIPER
guys, Ethan can’t sing this semester
he’s got nodes

CAM
ah shit

RACHEL
that sucks

LEXI
(with genuine sympathy:)
fuck

(a moment where they all feel glad they don’t have nodes.)

HAILEY
I would’ve loved to be in Guys and Dolls if I wasn’t in Maccers
(Rachel lets out a little laugh.)
I mean uh
(she struggles for a moment.)
Macbeth
in Macbeth

CAM
heyyy, there you go!

PIPER
did Martin call you back?

CAM
yeah—her, me, and Rach were all in the Adelaide pool together

HAILEY
Rachel and I got called back for Sarah, too
but I only made it through the first round for both
I wonder if Arik talked to Martin and told him to cut me
you know, so I’d have more time to study my Lady Mac sides?

(beat.)

28
PIPER
…maybe!!

RACHEL
well, second round was a mess anyway
Martin callbacks are always so chaotic

CAM
he just calls back too many people
like he’s scared of hurting everyone’s feelings or something

LEXI
Arik may be brutal about cutting you
but at least he never wastes your fucking time

PIPER
yikes
sounds like it was pretty rough in there

HAILEY
wait, you didn’t get a Guys and Dolls callback?

PIPER
uh
no
haha

HAILEY
oh
sorry

RACHEL
that was such bullshit, Piper
especially after you did so great in the dance call

PIPER
hey, thanks!

LEXI
god, that dance call
what a fucking joke

CAM
Martin pulled that choreography from the very depths of his ass

29
LEXI
almost as bad as the shit he had us do in Antigone

PIPER
there was dancing in Antigone?

RACHEL
right, that was the year before you got here

CAM
it wasn’t dancing so much as very extreme walking
he made us do it for all the strophes

HAILEY
the what??

LEXI
it’s a Greek theatre thing

RACHEL
the whole chorus sort of migrates across the stage together
but Martin took it in a really unique direction

CAM
like it was literally like

(Cam lurches across the room doing something resembling

the “Thriller” dance, emoting fiercely the whole time.)

LEXI
no no no
he had us doing that chest-thumping shit
y’know, the
(Lexi thumps vaguely at her chest.)
ah balls
how’d it go?

CAM
don’t look at me
I could barely remember it during the show

RACHEL
here
it was
“the light-witted birds of the air, the beasts of the weald and wood”

30
 (Rachel strophes across the room. the choreography is
nonsensical, but she performs it gracefully.)

LEXI
oh yeah, yeah
and then like
“he traps with his”
fuck
“with his woven snare”

(Lexi does the next part of the ridiculous strophe-ography.)

RACHEL
“and the brood of the briny flood”
right, exactly

(they do it in tandem this time. once they get the hang of it,
Lexi starts goofing around, trying to make Rachel laugh.)

RACHEL/LEXI
“master of cunning, he: the savage bull, and the hart
who roams the mountain free, are tamed by his infinite art”

CAM
nailed it

HAILEY
that’s so weeeeird

CAM
this is what happens when you let a musical theatre professor direct Greek drama

LEXI
what a shitshow
(to Rachel:)
no one can say we never served our time in the ensemble

RACHEL
too true
still, it was fun to do it together

LEXI
yeah, bitch
sure was

31
CAM
I don’t know how you guys still have it all down
I feel like Martin changed that choreography literally every rehearsal

HAILEY
so what’s his deal?
is Martin just like… kind of a douche?

PIPER
it’s not that he’s a douche

RACHEL
it’s more that he's a little insecure

LEXI
“a little”?

CAM
Lexi’s got a bit of a grudge

LEXI
he’s a whiny pissbaby who gives useless, impossible notes and then bitches when the show
looks like shit

RACHEL
he tends to get flustered in the rehearsal room
and he gets angry when he’s flustered

LEXI
takes it out on his cast
like “stop sucking so bad, it’s humiliating for me”

PIPER
but he’s really amazing at playing the piano!

CAM
definitely the best accompanist on campus
and to be fair, working with him isn’t always total hell

HAILEY
…okay
great

CAM
I mean, he definitely knows how to get what he wants out of his actors

32
RACHEL
he never wants enough, though
he never really pushes you

CAM
where Arik will push you right over the edge

RACHEL
sometimes you need to go there
sometimes that’s what the show needs

PIPER
(to Hailey:)
did you know he started his own theatre company?
in New York!?

HAILEY
oh wow!
that’s so cool!!

RACHEL
they did a lot of new work
and like radical reimaginings of the classics

HAILEY
but if Arik was directing out in New York
then what’s he doing here?
like not that this isn’t a great program, but

RACHEL
he wanted to work in a slower-paced environment for a little while
that’s what I’ve heard

LEXI
bet he’s writing a book or something

HAILEY
really? about what?

LEXI
actor training? directing?
some other pretentious bullshit?

33
HAILEY
how old even is he?
he seems so young
like compared to the other professors

CAM
I don’t know
mid-thirties?

HAILEY
wow
he’s kinda cute

PIPER
and also like a genius
literally so smart

LEXI
too smart for his own fucking good
but he puts out great work
(to Cam:)
can’t deny that

CAM
I’m not denying it
I’m not like saying
Arik is cool, okay?
I know he is
and I’m sure we’re all gonna have a great time
and this is going to be an awesome show

LEXI
Arik Macbeth in the Studio Theatre
can’t go wrong with that

PIPER
yeah!

RACHEL
I can’t wait to see what he does with the space
(she looks about, taking in the structure of the actual
theatre around them.)
he really knows how to use a black box

34
PIPER
ohmigod wait
Cam, are you and Maria still like uh…?

CAM
yes
we are “like uh…”
that’s pretty much where we’re at

PIPER
but you’re still talking, right?

CAM
sometimes we talk
sometimes we don’t
sometimes we hook up in the scene shop and I spend all day with sawdust shoved up my vag
but there’s not much talking then, either

PIPER
okay okay
but has she told you anything about the design?

LEXI
oh fuck yeah
she’s doing the set, right?

CAM
yes
she is
and she has sworn me to super secrecy

PIPER
Cam, come on!

LEXI
spilllll

HAILEY
yeah!!
pleasepleasepleeeeease?

CAM
sorry
but she will flay me alive if I say anything

35
RACHEL
so you do know something

CAM
I mean like

RACHEL
just tell us
we’re going to find out in like a week anyway

CAM
I don’t know

(Rachel leans in.)

RACHEL
c’mon, Cam
we can keep a secret

CAM
…okay
so I couldn’t get her to tell me the whole production concept
but she did talk a little bit about the set
and appaaaaarently
it’s like minimalistic and spiny and super cool

HAILEY
“spiny”?

CAM
that’s what she said

PIPER
awesome

LEXI
sounds like Arik
always popping off with some wack-ass design

RACHEL
I think the Hedda set is still my favorite of his

HAILEY
ohmigod that was amazing
like with those crazy tall windows everywhere

36
RACHEL
you saw it?

HAILEY
when I came to audition for the program
it was actually a huge part of why I decided to come here
like it really blew me away

LEXI
shit was pretty tight

HAILEY
Rachel, you were incredible
beyond incredible
oh and Piper, you were great too!

PIPER
aww

HAILEY
and the guy playing that angsty writer dude was also good
uh, Zach?

RACHEL
yeah

HAILEY
and now he’s gonna be my Macbeth, right?

(immediate scoffing and eye rolls from the others.)

RACHEL
right

HAILEY
what is it?

CAM
Zach is just like

RACHEL
he’s definitely talented
emotionally driven, intuitive
but just as a warning
he can be an…
aggressive scene partner

37
HAILEY
like?

RACHEL
he likes to get physical

LEXI
bet your ass he does
tries to fuck every girl he’s in a show with

HAILEY
oh
so have you ever…?

RACHEL
no
Zach Novikov will never touch me outside the rehearsal room

LEXI
Rachel doesn’t believe in hooking up inside the department

RACHEL
it’s just unprofessional
I’m not letting some showmance derail my education

LEXI
so instead she sneaks out for top secret dick appointments with randos

RACHEL
look, I have to blow off steam just like the rest of you
but I prefer not to shit where I eat

LEXI
yeah, but you end up getting intimate with most of ’em in class anyway

CAM
might as well get extracurricular with it

PIPER
oh man
we’re starting our intimacy scenes for Modern Acting next week
I’m kinda nervous

RACHEL
you’re going to do great

38
LEXI
yeah, intimacy shit is easy
just follow your instincts and you’ll be fine

PIPER
but I don’t know if I have any intimacy instincts
you know?

CAM
intimacy work isn’t supposed to be instinctive
the whole point is that you plan it all out

LEXI
still, it helps if you know what you’re doing
like c’mon, Piper
what’s the furthest you’ve even gone with a guy?

PIPER
I um
I don’t really wanna talk about this

LEXI
you brought it up

PIPER
yeah but like
I don’t know
it’s personal

RACHEL
Piper, I love you
but there’s no such thing as “personal” if you want to be an actress
you have to be willing to draw on real experiences if you’re going to be authentic onstage

LEXI
and it’s easier to be a slut and play a virgin than the other way around

RACHEL
I just don’t want you to limit yourself

PIPER
ahhh
I don’t want that either
and I don’t know
I don’t want people to think that I’m like a prude

39
CAM
you’re not a prude
you just have boundaries
and boundaries are a good thing to have

HAILEY
okay but do you guys think that Zach
do you think he’ll like
with me?

RACHEL
I’ll be honest
he’ll probably try

LEXI
he’ll definitely try

PIPER
if he starts bothering you, you can always tell someone

LEXI
well don’t tell Arik
that’s gonna be more trouble than it’s worth

HAILEY
why?

CAM
because he loves Zach
and he’s not gonna do shit

RACHEL
I’ve dealt with this before
and it’s better to handle it outside of rehearsals
if you start bringing in outside issues it’ll completely change the vibe in the room
we aren’t here to play he-said, she-said
we’re here to put on a show

CAM
it doesn’t just happen outside of rehearsals, though
like when Zach would get all amped up onstage and grab you
and leave literal bruises

40
RACHEL
we crafted an intense moment
and okay, sometimes he got carried away
but it was worth it just to have that tension in the scene
if Arik had reigned him in, we would’ve completely lost that energy

LEXI
with guys like that, you just gotta say “fuck it” and let ’em go for it
(to Hailey:)
if you’re that worried about Zach, you could always just sleep with him
y’know, so he gets it out of his system

CAM
or you could like not do that

LEXI
all I’m saying is that it’s an option
but don’t expect too much from him
Zach’s a good actor
but I can tell you firsthand
his performance could use some work

CAM
ooooooooooooooohhh

(cackling and ad-libbed jeering from the girls.)

RACHEL
seriously, though, he is a good actor
and he’s going to make a solid Macbeth

HAILEY
yeah no totally! totally!
I got to read with him in the first round
he was great

CAM
don’t you hate it when assholes are talented?

HAILEY
what’s the rest of the cast like?
a couple guys from my class are in the ensemble
but those’re the only people I know

CAM
well I’ve heard our Lady Macduff is a huge bitch

41
 (Lexi gives her the finger.)

PIPER
my friend Connor is playing Macduff
the non-lady Macduff
he’s a great guy

CAM
“a great guy”

PIPER
well he is!
I mean he’s like
he’s super sweet
and he’s a really um sensitive actor
he ran his “pretty chickens” monologue for me before callbacks
it made me cry

CAM
and instantly drench your panties

PIPER
oh my god stopppppp
Connor’s just like
he’s a really good friend

CAM
uh-huh…

RACHEL
Keegan, our Banquo, is solid

LEXI
but he spits like a motherfucker onstage

CAM
just try to stay out of the splash zone

PIPER
ooh and Duncan is playing Duncan!
haha

RACHEL
and Francis and Sami are the other two Weyard Sisters

42
LEXI
fucking Sami
what horseshit

HAILEY
did she do that weird Gollum voice in callbacks?

RACHEL
no, that was Jenna

CAM
that was Jenna on crack

RACHEL
Sami read with her the first time though
she was the girl with the uh
really unique look

HAILEY
like…?

CAM
she’s just got one of those faces, you know?

LEXI
like an aborted goat fetus

HAILEY
ohhhh okay
I definitely know who you’re talking about

LEXI
can’t stand her
such an entitled little pussy

PIPER
Sami?
what do you mean?

LEXI
you didn’t hear about her freakout end of last year?

HAILEY
freakout???

43
LEXI
yeah, she / totally fuckin

RACHEL
Sami was feeling unsatisfied with her experience in the department
she thought she was being treated unfairly due to her
well, her appearance
and that that’s why she hadn’t gotten a lead in the last three years

LEXI
and not because, say, she’s just talentless

HAILEY
ohmigod there was a girl like that at my high school
she made her mom complain to the school board after I got Fiona because Mr. Hansen was
“showing favoritism in casting” or whatever

LEXI
sounds like the type of shit Sami would bitch about
my mom would never let me get away with that
I mean she used to run our community theatre back home

HAILEY
woah, nice!!

LEXI
and she never cast me if I didn’t earn it
I busted my ass to get Annie in sixth grade
but she still gave the part to Grace Bryant because she was a better dancer

CAM
damn
sorry

LEXI
it was tough love
something I needed to learn
something that Sami has to get through her skull
she has such a victim complex

44
PIPER
I
I don’t know, guys
I mean
I’ve heard that people
professors
have actually said some kind of messed up stuff to her

RACHEL
like what?

PIPER
well um
Anna told me that one time Sami brought a song from Heathers into her voice lesson

HAILEY
ohmigod that’s like my favorite show!!

PIPER
cool!
but Sami brought in “Me Inside of Me”
and Martin was like
“I don’t think Heather Chandler is your type”

LEXI
well she’s not

PIPER
no but like
she was like
“why do you say that?”
and Martin said
oh jeez
he said
“honey
every guy in the school has to want to sleep with her
do you really see that for you?”

CAM
jesus christ, Martin

HAILEY
um wooooooowwwww
that’s like
I don’t know
kinda pervy

45
PIPER
I mean Martin is gay
so maybe that makes it less…?

CAM
yeah, I don’t know about that

LEXI
but like is he wrong?
how is it realistic to have some brick-faced bitch playing the hot girl?

CAM
because Heathers is so big on realism

PIPER
and it was just a voice lesson
I feel like he could’ve been a little nicer about it, you know?

CAM
it’s not just him, too
Arik is always telling Sami that she needs to “think more about how she’s presenting herself”
because it might like “help her chances” once she graduates

RACHEL
he’s just giving her honest advice
I wish that the theatre was totally accepting of all looks and aesthetics
but that’s simply not the case

CAM
yeah, but

RACHEL
I’m not excusing what Martin said
there was no reason to be that crude
but he and Arik wouldn’t be doing Sami any favors by lying to her

PIPER
I mean
I guess not

LEXI
fucked up-looking girls don’t get work in this industry
at least not as Heather Chandlers

46
RACHEL
that’s just what the professional world is like
and it’s their job to prepare us for it

CAM
okay but like
do you ever think the “professional world” is like that because we let people like Arik and
Martin tell us it has to be?

RACHEL
what do you mean, people like Arik?

CAM
people like
you know
who think that like

RACHEL
…okay

CAM
I don’t know
sorry
I’m just in a really shitty
today has not been my day

PIPER
hey, it’s alright

HAILEY
yeah

RACHEL
don’t worry about it

CAM
thanks

(pause. it’s awkward.)

PIPER
did you guys see they added Uncrustables to the vending machines outside 283?

RACHEL
fun

47
HAILEY
I love Uncrustables!!

CAM
that’s cool
hey, I uh
I gotta pee

(Cam exits. Rachel turns to Hailey, lowering her voice.)

RACHEL
I’m sorry about Cam
casting’s just getting her down

LEXI
she’s always had the hugest hateboner for Arik

HAILEY
did something like happen?

PIPER
I think they just don’t really gel with each other
like artistically

RACHEL
Arik hasn’t cast her very often
the only other time was The Tempest two years ago

LEXI
and she was just a nymph

HAILEY
so she’s kinda bitter about it?

LEXI
yeah, pretty much
plus she totally fucked herself over with that whole class journal thing

PIPER
oh my god
you can’t just
(she glances down the hall.)
I mean that’s like really private

48
HAILEY
wait what happened?
what journal?

RACHEL
Arik will make you start one soon for Intro to Acting
you record all the stuff that might impact your mindset
daily highs and lows, major events in your life

LEXI
helps you get in touch with your emotions
in theory

HAILEY
oh awesome

RACHEL
but when Cam was in Modern Acting with Arik, she got a little too personal with hers

PIPER
I mean they want you to get super personal, though
they ask you to tell them everything

RACHEL
and Cam has some
stuff
she’s been dealing with

HAILEY
what kind of stuff?

LEXI
she’s basically like super depressed

PIPER
Lexi

LEXI
what?
is there anyone in this program who isn’t fucked in the head?

PIPER
but that doesn’t mean you should
like Hailey barely knows her

49
HAILEY
hey, I don’t judge
it’s cool to be depressed
I mean like not cool
but like
I don’t judge, you know?

PIPER
yeah

HAILEY
I’m uh
I’m sorry she’s going through that, though

RACHEL
she was having a really hard time last year
she wrote some pretty concerning stuff in her journal
and Arik ended up bringing it to the other faculty
you know, so that everyone could be on the same page
and be there for her

LEXI
and she flipped shit
accused him of betraying her confidence
even though she wrote it all down for him

PIPER
in her personal journal

RACHEL
Piper, you don’t know how bad it got
I tried to be there for her as much as I could
but whether she wanted it or not, she needed support from the faculty
honestly, Arik is probably the reason she’s still here
still in the department, I mean

PIPER
yeah
but / I

RACHEL
and I for one am really grateful he was willing to reach out and do that for her

HAILEY
that’s really cool of him

50
PIPER
no, yeah
yeah
I just don’t
I mean guys, I don’t think we should even be talking about this when she’s
you know

(Piper nods toward the bathroom.)

RACHEL
right
all I’m saying is that even if Cam has her issues with Arik
he’s honestly done a lot for her
I mean, he’s done a lot for all of us
(to Piper:)
gave you your start here with Hedda
(to Hailey:)
and you with Macbeth
and me and Lex, too, with The Crucible
he took a huge risk on us our first semester

LEXI
you as Abigail, maybe that was a risk
I was just Mary Warren

RACHEL
you did so much with the part, though
like your breakdown during the trial

LEXI
Arik had us go balls to the wall with that
shit was exhausting

RACHEL
because you really committed

LEXI
not like he was gonna accept anything less
you remember what he said to me?

RACHEL
you mean like when…?

LEXI
first rehearsal after—

51
RACHEL
oh yeah
yeah

PIPER
what is it?

LEXI
well, Crucible was freshman fall
which was when my mom
she uh
(Rachel reaches out to touch Lexi’s shoulder.)
and my first rehearsal back
after the funeral and shit
I was pretty out of it

HAILEY
well yeah
that’s

LEXI
but Arik ripped me apart
“where’s your energy? where’s your intensity?”
I lost it
asked him if he knew what I’d just been through
and he said it didn’t matter
“if it happened outside the rehearsal room, you leave it at the door
or you find a way to make it work for you”
he had me do it again and again
by the end I was shaking
fucking screaming my lines

RACHEL
it was incredible
you were so good, Lex

LEXI
yeah
I was

(Cam reenters from the bathroom and moves to take a seat.

Rachel’s demeanor shifts instantly.)

RACHEL
Cam
come here a sec

52
CAM
what?

RACHEL
come here
come here
(Cam crosses over, confused. Rachel takes Cam’s face in
her hands. it would probably be a dramatic gesture coming
from somebody else, but Rachel is so inherently dramatic
that it just works.)
Camille Jean Witkowski
look me in the eyes and listen to me
you have incredible emotional range
fantastic comedic timing
and one adorable face
you are an amazing actress
and someday you’ll have the chance to show that to the whole world
okay?

CAM
(thrilled and overwhelmed:)
okay

RACHEL
I love you
you are a star
and you are by far the funniest bitch in this department

CAM
haha

PIPER
yeah you are!

LEXI
fuck yeah

RACHEL
so never forget that

CAM
alright
I’ll try not to
and uh by the way
I fucking love you

53
PIPER
we love you too, Cam

HAILEY
I like don’t know you super well but you seem really cool!

CAM
jesus guys let me BREATHE

LEXI
fine
hate your ass

CAM
better
that’s better

(she drinks, content.)

RACHEL
hey, how’s everyone doing with their drinks?
Hailey, you good with yours?

HAILEY
oh um yeah!
it’s great!
it’s really uh
(she takes a large sip and shudders violently.)
…yeah

RACHEL
you’ll get the hang of it
freshman year is all about figuring out your palate

CAM
Piper’s come a long way
never touched a drop before she met me

PIPER
ahh it’s true
only thing I’d ever had was communion wine

CAM
and look at her now

(Piper takes a sip of her drink. Lexi offers a shot to Hailey.)

54
LEXI
hey
you want in?

HAILEY
uhhh

LEXI
forget it

HAILEY
no, yeah
sure
let’s do it!

CAM
woot woot

LEXI
Rach?
(Rachel shakes her head.)
let’s goooo

(she and Cam clink, thump their shots on the table, and
take them. Hailey follows along belatedly and immediately
begins sputtering.)

HAILEY
ugh
oh my god
I’m sorry

PIPER
don’t apologize!
it’s sweet

RACHEL
at least you’re doing better than that girl in your class
the one who threw up on Becca during the orientation party

HAILEY
oh god that was Alissa
she was sooo humiliated

55
CAM
what was going on with her?
I don’t know like any of the freshmen

HAILEY
she must’ve just overdid it I guess
she’s been fine whenever I’ve hung out with her

RACHEL
what’s she like as an actress?

HAILEY
I mean, I haven’t really seen her do anything yet?
first week of classes was just introductory stuff
like lying on the ground breathing together
and Arik taught us that siren warmup thing

CAM
(sirening obnoxiously:)
wooooooooOOOOOOOOO

CAM/PIPER/HAILEY
wooooooOOOOOOOOO

LEXI
so you’ve got nothing on her?

HAILEY
wellllll
over the summer Alissa was posting a lot of self-tapes on Insta
and there was one of her trying to sing the high part in “On the Steps of the Palace” that was just
like

(Hailey sucks air in through her teeth.)

PIPER
ahhh

CAM
yikes

HAILEY
yeahhhhhh

56
LEXI
what about the rest of ’em?
any sticking out so far?

HAILEY
rest of?

RACHEL
your class
tell us about them

CAM
spill the teaaaa

HAILEY
there’s not really any tea to spill haha
they all seem pretty cool!
like I’m super excited to work with them

PIPER
hey, that’s great!

RACHEL
but what about that one boy
brown hair, super skinny

CAM
ooh, I know who you’re talking about
real beanpole ass
the one who totally biffed it / during the

HAILEY
that was Jake
he’s really sweet
but yeah
that was pretty tragic

CAM
like don’t try to memorize the side if you can’t memorize the side
that’s all I’m saying
leave that to the try-hards like Rachel

HAILEY
I memorized mine!

57
LEXI
there was that other girl who was godfuckingawful
switched into a British dialect in the middle of the scene

CAM
oh my goddddd

HAILEY
Tonya, yeah
ugh
she’s kind of
she was in there when I when I was signing off on the call board and she was like
“woooooow, I can’t believe you got the part”
it totally rubbed me the wrong way
like, do you have to act that surprised?

RACHEL
she’s jealous
you’d better get used to it

HAILEY
I was almost like
“sorry
but it’s not like you were gonna get it after that callback”

CAM
oof haha

LEXI
drag herrrr

HAILEY
I mean
just sayin’

(she grins, flushed and more than a little drunk.)

CAM
freshman girls were a pretty mixed bag tbh

RACHEL
god
do you remember the one who read with me for the witches really early on
Jenn or Jess or something

58
CAM
wait wait
the girl that was like
she kept being like

(Cam does a weird overdramatic witchy gesture.)

PIPER
oh man
I just felt so bad for her

HAILEY
I / uh

LEXI
it was honestly pathetic

RACHEL
I mean, I understand having a rough first audition
but watching her, you can tell she doesn’t have what it takes

LEXI
I give her ’til midterms
max

HAILEY
guys, Jess is like really talented though
I mean she’s like
she’s my roommate

CAM
oh damn

LEXI
(kind of laughing:)
shit

PIPER
I’m so sorry, Hailey
I totally forgot

RACHEL
yeah, sorry
maybe we just saw her on an off day

59
PIPER
I’m sure she’ll turn out fine!
you do soooo much growing your first year

CAM
like look at me!
I was insanely bad as a freshman
and now I’m insanely mediocre
so yeah

HAILEY
…yeah

(a super awkward silence.)

LEXI
(to Cam:)
hey, hit me with another one

CAM
as you wish
Piper? Hailey?

HAILEY
um yeah
okay

PIPER
I’m all set

(Cam is already pouring her one.)

CAM
are you sure about that?

PIPER
Cam

CAM
are you suuuuuure?
(Cam wafts a shot under Piper’s nose. Piper gives in.)
attagirl!

(they take their shots together. Hailey sputters a little less

this time.)

60
PIPER
hey Hailey, maybe you should take it easy

RACHEL
let her celebrate
she’s earned it

PIPER
I know
but I just feel like responsible for

HAILEY
it’s okay Piper
I’m soooo good
hey wait
wait
guys, can we get some music going?

RACHEL
sure

(Lexi turns on the speaker.)

LEXI
what do we want?

HAILEY
hold on hold on
can I connect my phone to
I wanna play something

LEXI
just tell me and I can like

HAILEY
nooo I wanna
c’monnnnnn

RACHEL
just let her do it

LEXI
okay, okay

(Hailey fumbles with her phone.)

61
HAILEY
wait
which one is

PIPER
here, I gotcha

(Piper helps Hailey. we hear the Bluetooth connect.)

HAILEY
okay perrrrrfect

(some mid-2000s pop showtune starts blaring from the

speakers. it is probably “Candy Store” but the exact song
itself does not matter as long as it is one pretty much every
theatre kid knows by heart—a song that Hailey has
absolutely thrashed to at high school cast parties.)

CAM
oh
showtunes
fun

HAILEY
I just like love Heathers* so much
(Hailey begins to sing along at full volume.)
c’mon guys!
(no one joins in. Hailey gets up and starts to dance. she is
overzealous and uninhibited in the way that only a
freshman can be, but she’s damn good.)
come on!
guys, c’mon!!
come on!
come on

(Piper starts to get up and then sits back down. no one else
moves. Hailey continues to ad lib encouragement for them
to join her. finally, she realizes that she’s totally on her
own. she falters. humiliation condenses on her face like
sweat.

then, in a feat of defiant enthusiasm, Hailey rallies.

bravely, exultantly, she proceeds full-throttle with her sing-
along performance. her momentum builds until—

*
If a song from another show is used for this sequence, adjust this title accordingly.

62
 Lexi kills the speaker. Hailey stumbles to a halt.)

LEXI
huh
guess it ran out of juice

HAILEY
oh
yeah
oops
sorry guys haha
I guess I just got really into it

PIPER
no, it was great!

CAM
I was thoroughly entertained

(a loaded pause.)

RACHEL
you’ve got a good voice

HAILEY
ahhhhh thank youuu!
I like love singing
I wanna be in a musical so bad

CAM
yeah, our musicals are a blast
right, Lexi?

LEXI
shut the fuck up

CAM
ooh, ouch

HAILEY
what?

RACHEL
Lexi hasn’t had a great experience doing musical theatre here

63
CAM
some real traumatic memories from Drowsy

HAILEY
The Drowsy Chaperone?

RACHEL
that was the musical last fall
the play was Incident at Vichy

LEXI
total fucking sausage fest

CAM
twelve male roles
zero female roles

PIPER
that was really a bummer

RACHEL
Arik originally proposed Sweat
which would’ve been such a breath of fresh air

LEXI
but then he realized this department is way too white to do that show

CAM
or maybe someone informed him that he’s too white to direct it

RACHEL
anyway, it meant Drowsy was our only chance to perform last fall
so we got ready, we prepped awesome auditions
and then the Friday before audition week

CAM
oh man hahahaha

RACHEL
that Friday
six of the musical theatre girls got caught hotboxing Giselle’s minivan in Lot Z

HAILEY
oh man!

64
LEXI
dumb whores

PIPER
it was like a whole scandal

CAM
they all got suspended
Martin was pissed

RACHEL
in the end, he had to turn to the acting majors to salvage Drowsy

CAM
it was honestly kind of great
I got to be a reporter and a wedding guest
and of course Rach made it in

HAILEY
ooooh, were you the Chaperone?

CAM
Janet Van de Graaff, babyyyyy

(Rachel smiles modestly. Lexi throws back another drink.)

RACHEL
that was a fun role
definitely made the musical theatre girls hate me
I mean more than they already did after Spelling Bee
but I had a great time with it

PIPER
I guess they’ve got a right to be jealous
but they don’t have a right to take it out on you

RACHEL
it doesn’t matter
I don’t need to be friends with everyone in the department
I’ve got you and Lex and Cam

HAILEY
and me!!

65
RACHEL
right
but yeah
Arik always says you shouldn’t let your friends be a distraction in school
and you guys are all the distraction I need

LEXI
MTs are a buncha petty bitches anyway

HAILEY
I wish I could’ve seen the show
(to Cam and Rachel:)
I bet you were both amaaaaazingggg!

CAM
oh, but don’t forget about Lexi
guess who she was

LEXI
do not

CAM
(singing:)
“I’m Kitty! Just Kitty!
I came with Mr. Feldzieg”

LEXI
/ shut up

CAM
(singing:)
“I’LL BE A LEADING LADY
IF I GET MY SHOT—”

LEXI
shut the fuck up
fuck that show
and FUCK that role

RACHEL
Lex
come on
you were great

66
LEXI
Kitty is not my type
not even like remotely

CAM
yeah but like
you really showed versatility and stuff

LEXI
Martin didn’t even want me
he spent the whole time wishing that I was Giselle

RACHEL
hey, I’m sure that’s not true

LEXI
you were backstage half the time
doing your million costume changes
you didn’t see everything

RACHEL
okay
but at the end of the day, you still owned that role
and you got some amazing pictures to put on your website for Showcase

LEXI
I hate those pictures
that stupid fucking flapper dress

RACHEL
well, you looked hot in it

LEXI
I looked / like a—

RACHEL
jesus
can you please chill out and take a compliment?

(beat.)

PIPER
I just really
I thought you were really good, Lexi

67
LEXI
thanks

HAILEY
yeah, I’m sure you were awesome!
I’m stoked for in Into the Woods next semester
I wanna be Little Red

CAM
oh yeah?

HAILEY
or maybe the Baker’s Wife, depending

RACHEL
depending on what?

HAILEY
whichever I’m better for, I guess
god
I can’t wait for auditions

CAM
you’re kidding me
we just escaped that hell

HAILEY
I love it
I love auditioning
all the buildup and the tension
knowing what you do in those five minutes could change your whole life
I walk into the room and suddenly I just
I just feel something come over me
like fwooosh
electric
like there’s nothing I can do wrong
like everything feels so right
you know??

CAM
ummm
that has not been my experience, historically

RACHEL
no
I know what you mean

68
HAILEY
like god
second round
when it was just me and Arik

CAM
and Dan

LEXI
he kept clicking his pen the whole time
wish he didn’t have to be there during callbacks

CAM
I don’t know
I wouldn’t really wanna be totally alone with Arik

PIPER
and stage managers are like so important, guys!!

HAILEY
I didn’t even notice that that other guy was there
it felt like it was just the two of us

RACHEL
he’s like that
when Arik gives you his attention, his full attention
it doesn’t matter if you’re standing in the middle of an ensemble
he makes you feel like you’re the only one onstage

HAILEY
it was more than that
he was staring at me like
like I was the only person in the world
and I don’t really get nervous in callbacks
but in front of him, I suddenly was
and he could tell

PIPER
yeah, / he always

HAILEY
so I did it for him once, did the monologue
and it was like fine
it was pretty good but not amazing
and I knew it, I knew it

69
and I was so disappointed in myself
and when I finished he just looked at me

CAM
Arik / is really

HAILEY
it felt like his eyes were like
like cutting straight through me
he has such blue eyes, you know?
and then
then suddenly he sort of leaned in
and he was like
“Hailey
I want you to do something for me
let your hair down”

(beat.)

RACHEL
what?

HAILEY
I know
my roommate helped me put it up for the audition
I thought it looked really nice
but I reached up
shook it out like
(Hailey does so. she has great hair.)
and Arik just kept staring at me
and suddenly I felt
like way more intense that I’d ever
like fire
fire
in my chest
and he said
“now do it again”
and I just stood in front of him and I killed it
I fucking killed it and it felt so good

CAM
well damn
I mean, congrats

70
PIPER
I’m so proud of you, Hailey
it’s going to be amazing to see you up on that stage

RACHEL
yeah
you’ll be great

HAILEY
aww
I’m sure you would’ve been, too!

RACHEL
thanks

CAM
I mean that goes without saying

PIPER
but seriously
I’m so glad you had such a good audition experience

HAILEY
it was perfect
like the absolute best way to start the year
literally the only thing I’m sad about is that I didn’t get to see anyone else do it

LEXI
do what?

HAILEY
the monologue!
like it’s so iconic
I was really hoping I’d get to see your guys’ take on it
(to Rachel:)
especially yours

RACHEL
oh
really

HAILEY
yeah!
I mean I just love to see the different things we try
and like which parts you do better and which parts I do better

71
RACHEL
of course

HAILEY
ohmigod wait
you should totally do it for us right now!!

RACHEL
yeah, no
/ I’m—

HAILEY
I know it’d be awesome
and I wanna watch!!

PIPER
I mean
it could be fun?

LEXI
yeah, Rach
go on
show her

CAM
guys, maybe let’s / not

LEXI
just do it

HAILEY
come onnnnnn
let us see what we’re missing out on!

(beat.)

RACHEL
okay

HAILEY
yesss!!!!

RACHEL
okay
(she takes a moment. the other girls hold their breath.)
“come, you spirits

72
that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
and fill me from the crown to the toe top-full
of direst cruelty!
(she is electric and utterly engaging—a master at work.)
make thick my blood;
stop up the access and passage to remorse,
that no compunctious visitings of nature
shake my fell purpose, nor keep peace between
the effect and it! come to my / woman's breasts—

(and then she stumbles to a halt as Hailey, hammered and

completely caught up in the moment, takes over:)

HAILEY
come to my woman's breasts
and take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
wherever in your sightless substances
you wait on nature's mischief!
(she is passionate and eager and powerfully sensual.)
come, thick night,
and pall thee in the dunnest smoke of hell,
that / my keen—

RACHEL
that my keen knife see not the wound it makes
(Rachel cuts back in, staring Hailey dead in the eyes. she is
fucking incredible.)
nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
to cry 'hold, hold!'”

(a long, awe-filled silence.)

CAM
um
so I guess that just happened

LEXI
fucking hell

PIPER
oh my god
that was just
oh my god, guys
I mean, wow!!

(Hailey bursts into tears.)

73
HAILEY
I can’t
like I literally can’t
you’re so talented

PIPER
Hailey, are you okay?

HAILEY
I go to school with such talented people!!
such
like I can’t believe
I’m just so happy

PIPER
I’m gonna grab you some water, okay?

(Piper hurries offstage to the kitchen.)

HAILEY
(to Rachel:)
that was just
you’re so amazing
I love you so much
(to Lexi:)
and I love you
(to Cam:)
and I love you

CAM
hey, right back atcha

HAILEY
college is the best
the best
oh my goddddddd

(Piper returns with water and a sleeve of crackers.)

PIPER
hey, hey
here you go

HAILEY
I love youuuuuuuuu

74
PIPER
I stole some saltines
I hope that’s

LEXI
knock yourself out

PIPER
just eat a couple
you’ll feel a lot better

HAILEY
I feel great
this is the best night of my life

(she is crying way too hard to eat any crackers.)

PIPER
guys, she’s pretty far gone
maybe
I mean maybe I could ask Connor to drive her to her dorm?

(Piper is pretty excited about this but tries to play it cool.)

RACHEL
no
it’s fine
she can stay here tonight

PIPER
are you sure?
I think she’s gonna be a handful

RACHEL
that’s no problem
we’ll take care of her

PIPER
I mean Connor literally lives right across the parking lot
I’m sure he wouldn’t mind

CAM
and I’m sure you wouldn’t mind having some fun in the back seat afterward

75
PIPER
Cam noooo that’s like
literally like not / even—

CAM
riiiiiiiight

RACHEL
if you take her to the dorms, her RA’s gonna slap her with an underage

LEXI
doubt she could walk a straight fuckin line right now
doubt Connor could either
he’s probably been celebrating getting Macduff

PIPER
yeah I guess
then would it be okay if I stayed here too?
I just wanna help keep an eye on her

RACHEL
sure

LEXI
and you can always sneak across the lot later to suck Connor off

PIPER
ahhh you guys

CAM
heyo Rach, can I crash too?

RACHEL
of course

PIPER
Hailey
hey, Hailey
we’re gonna spend the night here
so you can just sit tight, okay?

HAILEY
(blearily:)
yeah

76
PIPER
let me know if you feel sick or anything, alright?

HAILEY
m’kay

CAM
I didn’t wanna go home anyway
I thought it’d be less drama to room with non-majors
but sometimes they just don’t get it

(Lexi has been looking at her phone but chimes in.)

LEXI
fuck ’em

HAILEY
FUCK ’EM

(she laughs way too hard and then starts crying again.)

RACHEL
c’mon, Lex
let’s grab some blankets

LEXI
’kay just a sec

(she finishes sending a text and exits with Rachel. Cam

looks down at Hailey.)

CAM
gotta say
I’m really glad you were never this obnoxious

PIPER
Cam, she’s right there

CAM
hey Hailey?

HAILEY
yehhh?

CAM
you’re a dumbass

77
HAILEY
mmmhmmm…

(her head droops.)

PIPER
Cam!

CAM
the only downside is, I never got the chance to mess with you like this

PIPER
I don’t know
I mean the Vichy closing party

CAM
haha okay
you’re right

PIPER
I don’t remember anything from that night
anything
except that it was bright purple

CAM
I was legitimately concerned
I was like “barf is not supposed to look like that”

PIPER
I thought I was gonna die

CAM
aww, shit
sometimes I miss that Piper

PIPER
what do / you—?

CAM
y’know
the sensitive little lightweight who dropped all her sides the first time we read together

PIPER
well, that’s still me
maybe I’m less of a lightweight, thanks to you
but I’m definitely still way too sensitive

78
CAM
you were never “too sensitive,” though
you were just like… you

PIPER
I was holding myself back
and now my feelings don’t get hurt as easy
and I don’t hate myself for every little mistake
well, I do
but I don’t let it affect my performance anymore

CAM
but maybe that isn’t
I mean, maybe it shouldn’t have to be like that
you know?

PIPER
I don’t have a choice, Cam
I’m not like you

CAM
like?

PIPER
I’m not good

CAM
hey—

PIPER
I know I’m not
but I also know that I could be

CAM
you are good
you’ve got like so much talent

PIPER
you guys keep telling me that, but it doesn’t make it true
the only thing that will make it true is if I keep working on myself
freshman Piper wouldn’t’ve stood a chance out in the real world
but by the time I’m done here, I’m gonna be ready

CAM
shit, Piper
I’m sorry

79
PIPER
for what?

CAM
that I never knew you felt that way
that I let you believe you / had to

PIPER
Cam, no offense
but this isn’t really about you
it’s just kind of
I’m just trying to figure out what I need right now, you know?

CAM
yeah
yeah
forget it
I’m just being
ugh

PIPER
no, it’s okay
I mean tonight has been kind of a lot

CAM
yeah
(beat.)
I wanted her
I wanted her so bad

PIPER
wanted…?

CAM
Lady Macbeth
I knew I didn’t have a chance in hell
I knew what Arik thinks of me
but I still

PIPER
so did I

CAM
sometimes I wonder why I even let myself hope

80
PIPER
you have to
I mean, you have to believe you’ll get it
or else you never will

CAM
but I don’t believe it
I don’t know how to believe anything anymore

PIPER
have you brought this up with um
are you still talking to Joseph down at student counseling?

CAM
I don’t mean it in a “depressive spiral” way
or maybe I do
maybe
fuck
I don’t even know anymore
I don’t know how to tell if it’s me
or if it’s just…this
all this bullshit

PIPER
Cam…

CAM
I mean, she has like half as many lines as Macbeth
and every girl in the department would’ve killed to get her
sometimes it just feels like…

(She trails off as Lexi and Rachel reenter. Lexi’s arms are
full of blankets.)

RACHEL
feels like what?

CAM
Piper and I were just
never mind

RACHEL
everything okay?

81
CAM
oh yeah
totally

RACHEL
alright
here’s what we could find

PIPER
hey, thanks guys

LEXI
no prob

RACHEL
you can decide who sleeps where

PIPER
Hailey? you want the couch?
(nothing.)
Hailey?

LEXI
she’s knocked out

CAM
well, I guess that settles that

PIPER
should I wake her up?
I’m not sure she drank enough water

RACHEL
just let her sleep

CAM
she’s probably doomed to be hungover no matter what

RACHEL
well, we may as well call it a night

CAM
yeah
whole thing was kind of a downer anyway

82
PIPER
still, I’m glad we got together
guys, I’m so lucky to have friends / like

LEXI
hey Piper
check your phone

PIPER
what?

LEXI
check your phone
jesus, come on

(Piper looks at her phone and gasps.)

PIPER
ohmigod
ohmigod

CAM
what?

RACHEL
(to Lexi:)
what’d you do?

PIPER
he texted me!
Connor texted me!!
he asked me to come over
like right now!

CAM
oh shiiiiiiit!

PIPER
(to Lexi:)
what did you tell him??

LEXI
I just said that you were here
and that his name came up in conversation
and that you basically squirted on the spot

83
PIPER
oh my god noooooo

CAM
what the hell, Lexi?

LEXI
relax, I’m fucking with you
I just told him you’d mentioned him
and that in my friendly opinion he should get off his ass and make a move
Connor and I go way back
thought he’d appreciate the information

PIPER
holy crap
crap
guys, what do I do?
I mean it’s like after midnight!

LEXI
you go over there and you have a couple orgasms
next question

PIPER
I
oh god

CAM
look, I know how much you like Connor
but don’t feel like you have to do anything you not comfortable with

LEXI
oh c’mon, Piper
trust me
I’ve been there before
and Connor’s worth the ride

(this upsets Piper.)

RACHEL
god’s sake, Lex

LEXI
what?

84
PIPER
it’s fine
it’s

(she stares down at her phone, torn.)

CAM
I’m just saying, you don’t gotta rush into this if you’re not ready

PIPER
yeah…

RACHEL
but maybe you’re more ready than you think you are

PIPER
I just don’t know if
I mean what if I’m really bad at
like I don’t know how to do this

RACHEL
if you genuinely aren’t interested, then forget him
but if you’re copping out because you feel insecure
or because you think you aren’t good enough
I know you’re better than that

PIPER
I mean, yeah
yeah, I am
I just

RACHEL
you deserve this, Piper
you just have to want it
so
do you?

PIPER
yes
maybe
I mean
yes

RACHEL
yes?

85
 (Piper nods vigorously, gaining confidence.)

PIPER
yes!

CAM
then that’s that!

RACHEL
you know what you need to do

PIPER
right
right!
let me just tell him that I’ll
hold on

(ad-libbed murmurs of excitement as Piper writes a text. a

deep breath, and then she hits send.)

LEXI
that’s itttttt

PIPER
oh my god
god god god
how do I look?

RACHEL
gorgeous
stunning
perfection

CAM
you look great, Pipes!

PIPER
thanks
thanks!!
and can you guys
I mean will you look after Hailey for me?

RACHEL
absolutely

86
PIPER
oh my god
I should’ve worn my black bra tonight
I should’ve
like I’m wearing such boring underwear

LEXI
you look hot
just chill

PIPER
oh man
(Piper receives a text, reads it, and giggles breathlessly.
she grabs her purse and moves toward the door.)
okay
well
see you guys!!

LEXI
rock his world

CAM
ow owwwww!!

RACHEL
you’ve got this, Piper
I’m so happy for you

PIPER
bye!!!

(Piper exits.)

CAM
ahh
they grow up so fast

LEXI
’bout time we got her laid

(Rachel nods. a long silence. they all look at Hailey, still

completely passed out.)

CAM
okay
yeah

87
we’ve hit that point in the night
brb, gotta vom

LEXI
good luck

(Cam exits to the bathroom. Rachel keeps looking at

Hailey. Lexi starts clearing off the table. and then—)

RACHEL
Lexi

LEXI
yeah?

(Rachel glances down the hall toward the bathroom.)

RACHEL
come here

(Lexi obligingly draws closer. Rachel leans in to whisper in

her ear. a smile spreads across Lexi’s face. the lights fall.)

(the lights rise, but only partially—any practical light

fixtures have been turned off, and the room is now in
shadow. Hailey is still asleep. the other girls are nowhere
to be seen. suddenly—

a knocking within.
it is thunderous and totally jarring. Hailey jerks awake,
startled, and then clutches at her stomach.)

HAILEY
uuughh
guys?
(she looks around blearily.)
Rachel?
Piper?
C—
(Hailey doubles over, groaning.)
Cam?
Lexi?
(nothing. Hailey tries to stand and immediately throws up
in her mouth a little. she chokes it down.)

88
oh shit
guys?
(nothing. there is another bout of knocking. Hailey staggers
to the door.)
hello??
who’s there?
(the knocking stops abruptly. silence.)
hello?
(Hailey hesitates. then she opens the door. there is no one
in sight. she sticks her head out into the hall. nothing.)
what…?
(Hailey stumbles off toward Lexi and Rachel’s bedrooms.
we can hear her calling from offstage:)
Rachel?
Lexi?
(at a loss, Hailey wanders back on. she pats her pockets
and begins to search for her phone.)
oh man
c’mon
(a knocking within—just as loud as before. Hailey jumps.)
STOP IT!
(behind her, unseen, Rachel has begun to pick her way
through the audience and toward the stage. the knocking
continues until Hailey reaches the door—and, again, when
she opens it, no one is there.)
LEAVE ME ALONE!
(Rachel now stands downstage center, watching Hailey.
Hailey slams the door, turns, and sees her.)
ohmigod Rachel!
where did you
where’d everyone go?
(Rachel steps forward without a word.)
is everything / okay?
(Rachel takes ahold of Hailey’s face, grabbing her under
the jaw.)
um what—

RACHEL
shut up

(Rachel tilts Hailey’s head back and forth, examining every

plane and angle of her face.)

HAILEY
Rachel?

89
RACHEL
who the fuck do you think you are?

HAILEY
I

RACHEL
you think that you can just show up
and take everything from me?

HAILEY
I don’t

(Lexi enters from the hall. Rachel turns to her.)

RACHEL
Cam?

LEXI
waiting outside
she’s gonna stall Piper if she comes back

RACHEL
good

HAILEY
what’s going on?

LEXI
look at her
not so ballsy now

HAILEY
guys please
is this like a joke?

LEXI
you’re going to wish this was a joke

RACHEL
you come here
and you throw yourself at Arik

90
HAILEY
what??
no!
I, I didn’t

RACHEL
you knew exactly what you were doing
you showed up to that callback in a push-up bra and négligée

HAILEY
that was just a dress!
like my only black dress
that’s why I wore it

RACHEL
you wore it to show off every inch of your pathetic cleavage

HAILEY
no
that / wasn’t—

LEXI
waltzed in and gave Arik blue / balls

HAILEY
/ no

LEXI
and suddenly you’re the fucking star

HAILEY
I wanna
I’m going home
(Hailey lurches toward the door. Lexi cuts off her exit.)
don’t
get away from me
get away

LEXI
or what?

RACHEL
go ahead
give us your best scream

(Lexi advances. Hailey is trapped.)

91
HAILEY
don’t touch me
DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME
(Hailey runs for the door. Lexi grabs her and overpowers
her, pinning her arms behind her back.)
HELP!
HELP!

(Rachel pulls out her sewing scissors. Hailey falls silent.)

LEXI
come on, Rach
do it

HAILEY
please

RACHEL
“let your hair down”
think he’ll still want you when it’s gone?

(Hailey thrashes wildly.)

HAILEY
NO
you wouldn’t
you
you’ll get in so much trouble

RACHEL
what are people going to believe?
that we pinned you down and sheared you like a sheep

LEXI
or that the dumbass freshman got blackout and pulled a Britney Spears?

HAILEY
but I’d never
why would I do that??

RACHEL
we’re under a lot of pressure here
all these troubled young actors
sometimes they do crazy things
sad, isn’t it, Lex?

92
LEXI
very sad

HAILEY
Piper and Cam will know
/ they’ll

LEXI
Cam’s been pussywhipped for years
she’d bite off her own clit if Rachel asked her to

HAILEY
but
but Piper

LEXI
here’s the thing, dipshit
there are people here you stick with no matter what it takes
actors who are gonna graduate and go on to fucking be someone
Piper knows that
and she’s not gonna sell us out for a nobody like you

RACHEL
if there’s one thing I can promise
no one will back up anything you say against us

HAILEY
Rachel, please
I
I don’t want it anymore
I’ll quit the show
you can have the part
just please don’t do this

(Rachel reaches for her hair. Hailey jerks her head away.)

RACHEL
stay still

HAILEY
you’re crazy!
you think I’m trying to
to steal Arik from you??
likelikelike he’s yours??

93
RACHEL
shut up

HAILEY
look, I’m sorry
it’s not my fault he didn’t want you

RACHEL
shut. up.
(she brandishes the scissors in Hailey’s face. Hailey stills)
he wants me

HAILEY
(whispering:)
okay
okay

RACHEL
you know nothing about Arik and I
nothing

LEXI
Arik and I?

(half a beat.)

RACHEL
I
I / meant like

LEXI
Arik and I?

RACHEL
Lex

LEXI
no
no
are you serious?

RACHEL
it’s not what you’re thinking

94
LEXI
and what am I thinking??
tell me what I’m fucking thinking

RACHEL
it’s just
me and Arik
we have a connection
we always have

LEXI
he’s always been obsessed with you

RACHEL
he just believes in me
we
look, I have an arrangement with him, alright?
that’s all

LEXI
an arrangement?

RACHEL
you can’t tell anyone
but he said he’s going to help me
once I graduate

LEXI
help you how??

RACHEL
he’s got friends
he promised he’d introduce me, set me up
maybe at Showcase, when we’re in New York
I’m not sure, but

LEXI
and what’s he getting out of it?
what kind of favors / are you

RACHEL
it’s not like that

LEXI
then what is it??

95
HAILEY
please
you’re hurting me

(Lexi releases Hailey, shoving her aside. she and Rachel

remain between Hailey and the door.)

LEXI
all those one-on-one rehearsals
all those times you stayed late after class

RACHEL
you’re literally being / completely

LEXI
that day last semester
when you showed up to combat with your lipstick all—
were you—?

RACHEL
no
no
I

LEXI
oh my fucking god

RACHEL
just hold on for / a second

LEXI
the way he looks at you
watches you
fucking christ
I should’ve known there was something

RACHEL
listen to me, alright?
nothing is / happening

LEXI
stop fucking lying to me
if you don’t tell me the truth right now
right now
I’m bringing this to Martin

96
RACHEL
Lexi
come on

LEXI
to the goddamn dean of students
I swear to christ

RACHEL
you don’t have the balls

LEXI
you wanna find out?
did you or did you not fuck our fucking professor?

(beat.)

RACHEL
yes
I did

HAILEY
(quietly:)
holy shit

RACHEL
you don’t know how much we’ve given each other
all those years
all those shows
and to be able to share something else
something real—

LEXI
how many times?

RACHEL
we weren’t

LEXI
how many fucking times?

RACHEL
four

LEXI
four

97
RACHEL
then we left for the summer
and since we’ve come back, he hasn’t
in callbacks, he barely even looked at me
but he’s just waiting for the right time
he must be
he’s
I mean he promised me

LEXI
“I don’t date people in the theatre department
it’s too messy”
you nasty hypocrite

RACHEL
I hated hiding it from you
/I

LEXI
three years
three fucking years I spent wondering what you gave Arik that I couldn’t
and it turns out the answer is a raging hard-on

RACHEL
I never touched him until last spring
he didn’t cast me because of
he cast me because I’m talented

LEXI
and I’m not, is that it?
fuck you

RACHEL
no, / I

LEXI
FUCK YOU
I mean jesus christ
you ever wonder why everyone in our class hates you?

RACHEL
because I’m good

98
LEXI
lots of us are good
you’re just the one who gets told you are
day after goddamn day

RACHEL
that’s not my fault
it’s not my fault I’ve been set apart since The Crucible
that professors treat me different
what do you want me to do?
quit?
half-ass a performance so everyone can feel good about themselves?
truth is, if you want a good show, then you cast the best
well, I am the fucking best
and I won’t apologize for it

LEXI
maybe you aren’t
maybe that’s just what Arik wanted you to think
just so you’d give it up easy

RACHEL
he chose me
there’s a reason for that
and there’s a reason it wasn’t you

LEXI
you evil bitch

RACHEL
Lex
fuck
I didn’t mean

LEXI
you told me I had what it took
you told me I’d make my mom proud
and I believed you
like an idiot

RACHEL
I wasn’t lying to you
I wasn’t
I mean, look
you’re my best friend

99
LEXI
you don’t know how to be a friend
you don’t know how to be a fucking human being
you just know how to act like one

RACHEL
well, at least I know how to act
(Lexi shrieks and lunges at Rachel.)
what the fuck!?
GET OFF ME

(a hurried knocking on the front door.)

CAM
(offstage:)
guys?
what the hell is going on!?

(Lexi and Rachel grapple violently over the scissors. Hailey

runs to the door, fumbling with the doorknob.)

RACHEL
Lexi, stop

LEXI
I’m gonna jam these UP YOUR / FUCKING

(Lexi yanks the scissors out of Rachel’s hands—but she

pulls too hard, and the blades jerk backward into her face.
Lexi screams and drops the scissors, clutching at her eye.
blood runs between her fingers.)

RACHEL
Lexi!

LEXI
fuck

(it is barely a word—more a noise. Hailey gets the door

open and Cam spills inside.)

RACHEL
oh my god

100
CAM
Lexi?
what

(Lexi heaves out horrible, inarticulate sounds of pain

throughout the following.)

RACHEL
it’s
it’s okay
here
let me
here

(Rachel cups Lexi’s face. Lexi lifts her hand from her eye
and Rachel recoils.)

CAM
is it bad?
is it her—?

RACHEL
you’re
you’re gonna be fine

(Lexi lurches away from her, sobbing.)

HAILEY
guys, what
what do we

CAM
shit
shit
Rachel, you
you didn’t drink that much
can you drive her—?

RACHEL
no
I don’t
no

101
CAM
fuck
okay
okay

(Cam pulls out her phone. Rachel knocks it away.)

RACHEL
don’t
you can’t

CAM
Rachel, her eye is
she needs an ambulance

RACHEL
we can handle this
we can

CAM
no, we can’t!
what were you doing?!
you told me you were just gonna and mess with her a little
you told me
jesus christ

(Hailey has retrieved Cam’s phone and dialed 911.)

HAILEY
hello
help
please help / us

RACHEL
NO

CAM
back off!

HAILEY
we’re at uh Isadore Street

CAM
29 Isadore

102
HAILEY
29 Isadore
I was attacked

(Cam stares at Rachel.)

RACHEL
Cam
it’s not

HAILEY
yes
and there’s a girl here who’s really
her eye is
we need an ambulance
and like the police

LEXI
I can’t see

RACHEL
Lex

LEXI
how
how am I
am I
I

RACHEL
it’s okay
it’s

LEXI
how am I gonna act?
what am I going to do?
what am I

RACHEL
you’re a great actress
you’re
this won’t stop you
I promise

(she reaches out. Lexi shoves her away.)

103
LEXI
don’t fucking touch me

RACHEL
Lex, please

LEXI
don’t you
fucking

CAM
hey, hey
you gotta calm down
you gotta
Lexi
let’s go outside, okay?
help’ll be here soon
(Cam helps Lexi to her feet. Rachel starts to follow.)
Rachel
maybe you should wait here

RACHEL
but

CAM
(re: Lexi:)
I don’t wanna upset her
just
just stay
I’m sure the uh
I’m sure they’ll wanna talk to you when they get here

RACHEL
Cam
you know I didn’t
I didn’t mean to
(Cam pulls Lexi through the door. Rachel turns to Hailey.)
Hailey
(Hailey exits. Rachel is left alone in the apartment. as she
stares at her hands, red with Lexi’s blood, a few strangled
sounds escape her:)
oh
oh
oh

104
(the theatre’s work lights flicker on for the briefest instant,
bathing the apartment in harsh fluorescence and stripping
the stage of any illusion. Rachel looks up, sees this—

blackout.

END OF PLAY.)

105