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My Highest Low

As I set there in my wrecked white charger. Dripping in sweet. Sweeting more then I
had in longer then I can remember unfortunately, I was actually very active at one
point in my life. Today my body is working on over drive. I spent all night doing
nothing. Well nothing productive at least. I really hope you don't get the picture
I’m trying to paint for you. As I set there I try to remember when I had every
sweet like like before and the memory actually came back to me. I'm not the most
athletic person around but I remember that moment because of how hard I pushed
myself to get there. I could put a good 5 miles under my belt in under 53 minutes.
For me, that was a great time and a personal record.
I honestly don't feel like I need help at this point although, my
employers and my family would definitely disagree with me on that. It really sucks
the only other person I can open up to right now is my father and his ass if over
2,500 miles away. I can't really complain about my father though because I have a
mother who has been more of a father and mother to my then I desirve. Plus my
father is still kicking, miraculously.
That man is something else completely. Getting to know him again was like
learning the story you’ve always knew and loved as a kid was only the clean version
of the story told to make him seem regular. This story actually started because of
him after he lost his arm ironically enough. After spending a good amount of time
with him I realized he was more of a friend to me then a father. My father honestly
helped guide me down the wrong path and the sad thing is I didn’t realize it at all
until it was to late.
 I don’t mean to make excuses for the discussion I’ve mad in my life but
my father, who I truly love with all my heart, was the man who insurance my life
would hit its biggest pot holes. It’s actually very hard for my to describe him
mostly because he reminds me so much of myself. He is a man who doesn't give two
fucks about anything nevertheless, what anybody thinks of him. That mind set he is
stuck in, his prison mentality, has to be the reason he is were he is today. I
should have feed from his life differently and saw this coming but I was naive.
I had been strong enough to regret that shit the first few times he
offered it to me. I think it was seeing him in the shape that he was in that fucked
me up the worst and made me give into my fathers ways. Let me try and paint a
picture for you; His Left hand is missing half way to his elbow and was covered in
severe burns. His right arm was severely burnt as well I could actually see the
muscle in his arm due to the skin melting off. His left leg had a hole in it where
a chunk of flesh just shot off his thigh from the electricity shooting out of him.
On top of all that he was constantly coughing up blood, his liver was failing,
kindnesses wanting to shut down and he was in constant pain.
Now that I mention the pain he was feeling could you imagine your mother
telling the doctor who just amputated your head, that was fried to a crisp, that
you are a drug addict and request that you are not prescribed any strong pain
medication. Think about how much it would hurt as a young child to fall off your
bike and scrape your arm or knee. Now imagine a pain more intense and constant a
pain that won't go away and only having Tylenol to get you through it. He had to
find his own way to kill the pain and he chose a drug that was actually slowing the
healing process. This was what lead me to that moment my greatest moment of
weakness.
I finally gave in. This time around I didn’t think twice about it I was
all in. I made that discussion I wanted to do some shit with him. I didn't know
how much longer I was going to have my father in my life or if he would ever heal
from his injuries. It was stupid of me but, I decided to spend any time I had with
him doing what he wanted to do regardless of what I was. I know I judge that man
unfairly at times but, that doesn’t mean I don’t love him. I can’t stand the
thought of losing him regardless of want I had to deal with because of him.

(Thought organization as of 4/5/2019)

With my brothers and sister by my side nothing could keep us down. I guess I should
have just said no again I probably wouldn't be sitting there in that car feeling
the way I do. Oh looky there as soon as I get ready to head inside trouble call
again. An invite to the casino I love it I might get to have some more fun tonight
and I'm starting to drag on this shit perfect timing I think. I'll have to see how
this pans out and perfect looks like there coming to get me. Shit I guess this
night isn't over hold on tight is all the advice I can give myself at this point. I
can completely raisin with myself on why going to the casino at 4 am wouldn't be
the best idea but I truly couldn't give any less of a fuck tonight even if I had
one to give. At the point I was setting my job wasn't certain or secure and that
was a new feeling for me. I've always worked my ass off witch is why I was in the
position I was in still am at that point. Thought that kept me from caring would
constantly rush through my mind. Absence of leave, I knew it was a trap from the
start I don't know why I lead into there lies. The weak get eaten, I knew I
shouldn't had shown them my weakness. Your the sheep to weak to talk to walk to
sleep with these lions. I should have seen it coming you reach out for help and
your told not to be weak your pocked at and teased after opening up and sharing
shit that makes you tick as much as you can without bursting out. And your
scheduled to get medication and your appointment are rushed and pushed forward but
your still not just sick your unworthy of holding your thrown a thrown that was
earned through sweet tears and breaking my back for that place year after year.
Thoughts like that made me feel insane made me feel like they might have a point.
None of that will stop me nothing has stopped me before and something like this is
nothing I've had to deal with so much worse. Even if o did loose this job I love
the loss of that would never compare to the loss of my brother so I know I'll be
fine. So what I did slow down a bit before the merger you would too if they put you
through what I went through and everything I dealt with there. Even after the
merger I was promised to be retrained we where suppose to get all the tools we
needed to become the unstoppable force we could become but instead, I received
nothing. Nothing other then the position that should have been given to me a long
time ago. Four managers promoted over me some I was literally training myself witch
is the fucked up thing. Can you imagine how degrading that feels being passed over
for a man who has been with the company for two month and then comes in and
literally lets you run everything for him. A man who had no clue what he was doing.
A manager promoted for his outstanding numbers who cheats his way to the top
sending people away or passing them off to others when they couldn't be sold up. I
guess if it wasn't for all of this I may not have been ready for it. But I took
over and lasted longer then a lot of people before me had. I still pride myself in
that I took over under some of the worst condition I could have and shined while I
was there. I was told I would have a year of training before taking over witch is
why I didn't mind that training was going slower then I expected. But 3 month came
around and I was handed the reins. Not unprepared but I hand never witnessed a true
excel leader take that reins. I guess a leader can't learn to lead unless he is led
by the right individual. Maybe this time off is what I need. Nonetheless I still
took charge and was running this place until my little nervous breakdown where I
showed My regional my weakness. Where in my eyes I became the sheep they had warned
my about becoming. As I look at myself I can't help but to think "I'm a fucking
mess" I spent all night in what felt like a blur not a single dollar won and not a
single spent. How I call this living I don't even know anymore. After 3 hour of
empty nothingness they bring me home and out of pure shit luck I have a few
cigarettes to smoke. So I enjoy one I don't know how I'm going to handle today let
alone this up coming Monday. I need to start making money again if this place isn't
going to take me back and until i know for sure I'm only going to drive myself
crazier by staying at home. I've never tried my luck at masonry work but I know I
kicked ass at framing and anything else I've put my hart into so I'm not stressing
to much about the work. I just can't be broke anymore it sucks to not be able to
rely on myself for food and basic necessities. This slip up o can't seem to want to
except all the blame like in the past. I was broken by the fact that my brother
could be broken. I should be showing him strength but instead use his first fall in
the longest time to cushion mine. Now he fell completely differently then I did and
I know that doesn't matter but I can't help but to keep asking myself "Is that
wrong of me?" My kid brother the guy I look to for strength, not saying that he
doesn't deserve to be looked up too. If I busted my ass for my work place he did so
at an even harder job putting his body through thing not a lot of people can do. I
saw a few friends from school take his same route but only one person came out on
top, my little brother. I may have done what I did for a longer time before coming
to where I am but what he went through and persevered through it's honestly as if
he was there twice maybe even three times as long as I was. Regardless of anything
that will happen I know I alway have him and I'm shooting to become what I use to
be for him again because Putting it lightly I'm half the man I use to be.

Now let me just stop myself right here if you haven't noticed yet I'm just walking
you through my Journey and I'm not really certain where it's taking me and
hopefully I get to share this some day if I even make it through these next few
week. I don't even know how long this journey will be my main goal is to simply
make it back to work. FMLA has my scheduled for hopefully 2 more week and
unfortunately this could go on for 12 weeks. At the moment your guess is as good as
mine.

August 13, 2017

I lie in bed like I have done for just about all the time off that I've been given.
I think I may have over did it no the sleep witch sucks because one of my main
problems was that I wasn't getting enough. It's kind of ironic that I can't seem to
find the will power to get the fuck up. I hear my family already wide awake and
realize that I've been in bed almost two hours since I got home and I haven't done
shit. I began to straighten things up a bit but I can't think strength I feel the
need to take a shower. I begin to gather my shit in hopes that this will finally to
my fresh start. At this point I can only hope. 30 minutes have passed and I'm still
in the same spot my mom just texted me saying that the pancakes where ready. I
cracks me up to be able to say something like that mother just texted to tell me
that breakfast is ready. How odd must this must sound to some but soon that might
even be a thing of the past. It real is crazy to think of or maybe I'm just crazy
to think of it who know but to say I think I'm going crazy feels just about right
so either one would work fine. I can't believe myself I jump back into bed after
getting my cloth ready and still haven't managed to leave my room. I put eye drops
in and prepare to face my family. I can hear my nephew in the next room over witch
just panics me a bit. I suppose to be getting straight for him. I'm getting ready
to become this kids Godfather. I can't believe he really is growing so fast I swear
I just heard him says mama clear as day. That hurt me in a way I can't explain time
isn't slowing down for me to get my mind right time will pass by regardless of
what's going on to anybody. The time I spent on my bed this morning could have been
spent doing so much more. This time passed by for everyone at the exact same speed
what everyone chose to do with it was completely unique in a way. After this long
contemplation I had to ask myself "Do I want to set here and let time pass me by
like I have so may times before and like so many people do or was I going to do
something with that time?" Finally got myself cleaned and semi groomed feeling a
bit refreshed and like some strange luck a friend hits me up. Someone I've been
overlooking because well I don't really know him all that well but has been nothing
but supportive throughout this last week. This guy isn't like most people he
strangely reminds me of myself in a way I don't really understand. I've only spoke
with him once in person but vibes where right and he seemed to know exactly what I
meant when speaking with him. I've always found myself confusing people when I try
to get into detail so I'm looking forward for a chance to pick at his brain. He
says things that I've already herd in a way that really sinks in. He seem
understanding and open minded only I never caught his name and actually met him
through another friend. If he is anything like my buddy Braden then I know I'm
going to get along this this guy. I've never been great with people so I find it
amazing how many people I've had the privilege of becoming acquainted with lately.
I believe very strongly that everything happens for a reason and each of these
people are a huge puzzle piece that I can't put together. I can't wait to see how
these pieces fall together.

My mind has been blown as predicted. If you look for God you will find yourself, if
you look for yourself you will find god. As it is and as it will always be. Do you
see now?

the Main Entrance To Hell

He is kyle. He saw what I saw and sees as I see. To know that I'm not the only one
make me feel a bit whole. I've had a bit of time to think about our conversation
and honestly after speaking with him. I've already made plans to speak with him
again. He told me everything I thought I knew and is helping me see it in the right
way. I do say right way not in the sense that there is a wrong way but a brighter
way. You are the light and you are the only one who will make it shine. Let me ask
you this before I step away and think on this some more. If you had a say in what
was going to happen to you next would it be something good? It is the entrance and
I'm glad that I can do without.

August 14, 2017

Note to self your going to leave a lot of these out because clearly that's okay.

I don't know what I did to them. Why does everything have to fall apart. I've done
nothing but reach out to my friend today looking to spend some time with the people
who are suppose to be there for me but only one gave me a real excuse for not
wanting to kick it and I have made respect for that. Thanks Dallis even though you
are a fuck dick your at lest honest that's really all I ask for. I wish someone
would tell me if I did something wrong I would love to hear how it was I offended
them. I can't right my wrongs without knowing what they are. Do I deserve to be
treated like that?

August 20
Well I started the Zoloft and my dumb ass in a rage of fucked up and twisted
emotion disides to eat some shit. I noticed it on my seat while trying to get my
car running. Not real sure how it got there but long story short meet a few people
yesterday got to exchange some chill stories and learned a lot about these people
and from them as well. One guy helped me see a darkness that I was stuck in that I
didn't one I did not realize I was feeding. This was something that I can try to
put behind because one of the most beautiful things in this universe came from that
darkness.
Thank you Snake I'm glad we had our talk last night and glad we didn't have to go
there. I lote more happened today that I wasn't expecting and not a lot of what I
was expecting actually happened.

Just because I can

$90 days

1: Be 100% ready to head back to work. Info call remembered word for word along
with tour.
2: Be at least a full month sober by November 27th. That right that shit has to go
for the next 5 years you will man the fuck up and stay clean.
3: have my finances straightened out!!

$6 months

1: Get familiar with real estate laws. Fine out what your credit score is and see
what you need for a loan. Have a list on any permits needed and begin to.
2: Have my charger running!

$1 year

1: Become independent.

Today is April 4, 2019. I took some time to read over my ramblings that I had left
for myself during a bit of a mental meltdown and I’m starting to realize I’m
fucking crazier then I thought. A lot of what I wrote was incomprehensible and all
over the place. Luckily things are turning around for me. It’s a slow process and
it’s not easy but I’m starting to see thing falling together. I still have a long
way to go but I’m finally looking forward to seeing what comes next!

Well thank god I made it through today it’s now the 5th and I’m feeling really good
about going back through these notes I left myself. I started going through is and
began correcting the story to the best of my ability. I didn’t think it would be so
hard to find my own word through my rambling but I’m starting to see the picture I
was painting for myself.
Text to sister
Jenny I just had a really fucked up anxiety attack. I had to step out the house.
Like I felt like I was going to explode and everyone wanted something from me and I
just wanted to sit in the dark and do nothing forever I’m in Ricky’s truck smoking
a cigarette. I’m scared to go back inside. I don’t want to feel like that. Sorry I
have to vent
It’s happening again

I made it two week this time I got it I registered it right away. Usually it the
next dish that I know I fucked up but this time,Mrs ghost, lol I knew right away I
fucked up. Why am I so fucking dumb. I got it tho!!!