1.

del

this is how you receive a blow.

try to take against the blow with the oblique side muscles. those are the muscles on the side, it is the
muscles on the side that lug around the ribs. a blow at this point can break a rib, but it does not do great
damage to internal organs.

-the worst imaginable, a handbook of survival

P2.

I have noticed that it is the voice that loses first, for example, when someone tells you they love
someone and you can’t get yourself to say “you too”, for it is almost too late. Or when your mother calls
and says that now Tore is dead, and you have to look his brothers in the eyes and say, that now it is now
and one does not know how. Or when you are used to someone calling and saying that Tore is dead, and
you then are completely silent, until they themselves say that it will soon be okay again, because when
will it not be.

P3.

You forgot your watch on my bedside table. it's your dad's and yesterday it stopped ticking. Maybe you
already noticed that it was missing when you traveled back to England. "I forgot my watch," you say on
the phone. "You did?" The watch is cold on my wrist. It's just a little too big. I think it will dress me better
in female model. “Its probably near your bead.” I hold it up against the clock, no it does not tick. "Oh,
You still there?" "sorry" I say. "you need it?" "no, not right away, Ill just get it next time." I'm telling you
to just wind it up. I look around the room. In the middle of the floor is one of your socks. It has collected
dust. Someone told me the other day that dust is radioactive decay air. I have to remember to google it
at some point. “you forgot your sock too.”

P4. 6%

"Is it true what is said about Englishmen?" Sylle asks. It's lunch break, and we are out walking. "What do
you say about the English?" I ask. "That they are bad at showing emotion." We turn the corner and into
H.C. Orstedsparken. As the only place in the world sees H.C. Orstedsparken better out in the rain. The
way the raindrops hit the lake and the branches hanging out over the water on it makes it look like one
of those kind of paintings hanging over my grandmother's couch. "I thought it was said that Englishmen
quickly get sunburned and die before midnight." Sylle sugar. Sylle is wearing a green overall and I think
he almost blends in with the grass. We sit down on our bench. "That was not what I was talking about,"
he says. "How many do you think have had sex on this bench?" I ask.

P5. 8%

Sylle sighs again and says that someone seems to be having a little too much sex at the moment. I'm
asking if anyone is him. He giggles in the way that I know it means yes. Sylle and his girlfriend always
have sex. I say I'm gotten too old for sex. Sylle unpacks the bag of fish cakes. He splits the first in two and
hands me one half. The city's best fish part is on the bag. I do not like the word fish cake. "H.C.
Orstedsparken is now the most beautiful place to be when it rains," he says. "Right there." He holds his
thumb and forefinger against each other so that they form a frame. I nod. "As long as he's not worse
than you," Sylle says. "what." "As long as he's not worse at it with emotion than you." I say that I then
feel a whole lot all the time. That I actually do nothing but feel for the time being. Sylle hands me
another half fish meatball.

P6. 9%

"You can see that," he says. I say a little remoulade would do the parts well.

P7. 9%

The worst thing imaginable was the book Tore gave me when I was going on my first long journey. I was
going to Asia alone and stood in kastrup with my tightly packed new backpack on my back, and probably
looked pretty nervous. "So you come home unscathed, too," said Tore as he handed me the book. "It's
ready to take in your pocket." my mother thought it was piss-smart.

The worst imaginable did not happen along the way. Not even though Elliot thought it was pretty bad
that night we spent the night on the beach and were bitten by a trillion mosquitoes and he woke up with
just as many itchy mosquito bites and who knew if there was malaria or what it was worse in any of
them.

The worst thing imaginable is when you wake up on a normal Saturday morning and have a blood clot
and try to tell your wife and your children and stepchildren that everything should go well, always the
body keeps cramping, said the only thing that coming out are coughing, rattling sounds.

P.8 11%

Dear Maria,

I have just come to Nepal and I think I have found paradise - this is fantastic! Can really understand why
you put so much pressure on me to leave. These are moped terms cars that batter, buddha garlands,
cows and street vendors everywhere, and even the simplest things like crossing a road or buying water
are an adventure. Our hostel has the most delicious roof terrace overlooking the whole city, where we sit
and play music with local Nepalese and smoke hookah in the evening. Seriously, you get so jealous when
you see pictures!

How is it going in sad, cold shit Denmark? Anything new with him your delicious Englishman? Tomorrow
the trip goes to Mount Everest, and then it's my turn to stand on the roof of the world, say what!

Miss you, Amalie.

P.9 14%

The first time I met Tore, I thought he had nice hair. He sat and read Politiken out in the kitchen. My
mother had just turned on the coffee machine and had gone down for cake in Lagkagehuset. She
thought it was me who was going to make the coffee.

Tore said hello. He had heard a lot about me. It was not because I had not heard of him, I said.

"Well, well," said Tore, laying down the newspaper.

I asked what I could do.

"Everything," I replied. That was not true. I could make a heart and a leaf and sometimes a swan.

tore said that then he would like a penguin.

"Do you like penguins?" I asked when I could hear him again for the sound of the milk steamer.

"Yes," said Tore. "It's one of the few animals that stays with their mate all their lives."

"Wow," I said. all life seemed like a long time.

i tried to make a penguin in the milk. two white spots, one as head, one as body. With a toothpick, I
tried to shape

P.10 15%

a beak, eyes and the outline of wings.

"Goodbye," I said to Tore, handing him the coffee. "I know it does not look like a penguin. but with a
little imagination it does mask anyway."

Tore laughed and called my mother, who had just returned. He thought it was perfect.

P.11 17%

My mom calls while I cook. It's been a long time since I've made pie. I sit on the floor and look at the pie,
which is slowly growing in the oven. I imagine that time goes by in slow motion and that the pie is in the
process of taking its last breath. My mother thinks I should let the pie be the pie and see to come to
Bornholm.

“Just to get a little away from it all,” she says. I say I'm not sure I want to take it all away. In addition, I
have no way of having time. My mother points out that it's just a matter of priorities, and that time is
the one thing that abounds on Bornholm. I say I thought it was herring. She says I can just come by for a
day or two. In fact, she definitely thinks that's what I need to do, and now she's made the decision for
me. Carl and Malte are coming too. We might as well buy a ticket right away. I say I'm going to
graduation. She asks if Wednesday or Thursday suits me best. I'm saying I'll probably be going to England
at some point too.
P.12 18%

Mother says that England must stay another time, and if it is alone, then the Englishman is then more-
than-welcome to take me to Bornholm.

I ask what in the world Elliot was going to do on Bornholm. Mom says he can do anything on Bornholm. I
do not say anything. Thursday! says mom, adding that I need to remember swimwear. I take the pie out
of the oven with one hand while holding the phone with the other. I must remember to buy baking
gloves next time I'm in Fotex. Mother asks if one will not soon be allowed to fashion him the
Englishman. I say, see you on Thursday, because now I have to eat.

P.13 20%

"It's limited how many things can be wrong at the same time," says Sylle. "More accurately: Two, One
thing is the one that is really crazy, and the other thing is the one that you are afraid of going just as
crazy."

I'm sure that I can count more things that are wrong than that.

"If now your father is ill, for example," he continues. "Then the thing that's crazy is that you're worried
about your father who's sick. The thing that said that could also be crazy is that you have back pain. end
up making you just as worried as you are about your father. " Sometimes Sylle gets so eager that he
interrupts me, because I get the answer him. "Or, if now the other thing was that you're worried about
dumping your exams. "Your father's may not get well again. Do you understand what I mean?" I'm not
sure I understand what he means.

P.14 21%

"What if I'm worried about the children of Africa?" I ask. "Mary, for hell." Sylle stops and looks
reproachfully at me. "Everyone is worried about the children of Africa. That does not apply." "OK.," I say.

I do not know if I am worried about the children of Africa. "How's it going with the Englishman?" he asks
as it dawns on him that I am not biting on his amazing theory. I say that it goes as it should.

P.15 21%

I do not know what to answer when people ask how I feel. In the beginning, everyone did it all the time.
It's actually quite simple. Sometimes I feel worse than o.k. For the most part, it changes all the time, and
I do not bother to decide how much o.k. I am. "O.K.," I say. "I have it o.k." It must be said. But for the
most part, I do not know.

P.16 22%

Dear Maria, Then I'm finally back in civilization. 14 days without coverage on my phone and without
contact with the outside world, it's just before you can get used to it. Maria! You can not even imagine
what I have experienced up there! Right after we crossed the pass, the wildest thing happened: We had
been hiking all day uphill and in blizzard. Emma was shitting due to altitude sickness and I was shitting
my pants in fear. And then, when we came across the other side of the pass, we were suddenly standing
at the start of a rainbow. A fucking rainbow, Maria! Do not have DK is too gray and boring.

A. Ps. check Facebook and you can see me being cool on top of a mountain at 5400m altitude! can
life get better?

P.17 24%

It was Friday and I was not going to be in town anyway. My mother had thought it was a bad idea. We
were going up early and to a family party on Funen the next day. Tore and the boys were to go too. I
threw myself on the bed and closed my eyes. I held my breath, thinking that if I held it long enough, I
would die. Tore opened the door. "Go," I said, and lay down. Tore asked what I was doing. I said I was
dying. That he should just close the door and let me die in peace. Tore tampered with my plant. He got it
to play Changes with Bowie. "If you want to die," he said on the way out. "So die. But you only live once,
so come out and eat a piece of strawberry shortcake first."

P.18 26%

My mother calls and asks how I am. I say I have nausea. My mother asks if I'm pregnant. "The English!"
she says. "You have to take care of them" I ask what she knows about it. she says she once lived in
London, so she actually knows quite a bit. I point out that it is far from living somewhere and then
getting pregnant somewhere. She asks if I have taken a test. I say I do not need a test. She stresses that
it is always better to be safe. I say that I also do not have time to be pregnant at all. My mom says I do
not get less pregnant by not taking a test. I say she's the one who's taught me that sometimes problems
go away on their own without thinking about them. "So I think you should take a test," she says. "I think
Tore should be a little less dead," I say

P.19 27%

For once, my mother becomes completely silent. "I think so too," she says. I ask her if she also has
nausea.

P.20 27%

"What are you thinking about at the moment?" asks Sylle. Today it is me who has paid for the fish cakes.
"hm," I say, "come on," he says, throwing fish-delicacies down to the ducks in the lake. "I think a lot
about Nils Malmros at the moment," I say. It is true. I think too much about it, "says Sylle. I almost tell
him that I said Arhus By Night with Tore, the night before he became ill. Sylle does not mention Elliot
today.

P.21. 29%

Sweetest, dear Maria! Why did you not write? Just had the facet lesson with my mom who told me what
happened. Shit, how is it just incomprehensibly awful though! Are you okay? Are your mother and boys
okay? It may be that I'm out traveling, but that's why you still have to tell me when something like this
happens !!! And hey, now I'm feeling bad about those postcards - they were sent, because I knew it. So
Maria, I do not know what to say. You know how much I loved Tore, and it's so weird to think he's not
here anymore. How did it happen? What do you think? Shit, how hard it must be for Carl and Malte to
lose their father. I'm trying to stay in our hostel tonight and tomorrow, so you can call if you need to
talk. Please tell me if there is anything I can do. Greet your mother and brothers from me many times
and say that I think of you all. You'll probably make it! By the way, Emma greets you too and sends you
thoughts.

Love you, Amalie

P.22 31%

Sylle says he has solved the problem over all problems. "You can not do that," I say. "At least you can!"
says Sylle. "Only one self sets the boundaries." I say he sounds like the priest from Adam's Apples when
he says that. Sylle says he has not seen Adam's Apples. I say he should, because it's delicious. "Do you
want to hear the solution or what?" asks Sylle. "Not really," I say. Sylle says that the solution to all
problems is to accept the equilibrium law. "OK.," I say. Sylle says that the equilibrium law means that
everything must be in balance. If you are completely wildly happy afterwards. There is only a certain
amount of emotion, so if you take on one side, then you should add on the other side as well. Like when
solving equations in mathematics.

P.23 32%

First, I say nothing. Then I say that it's like in physics, where every particle has an antiparticle. Sylle sends
me the world's biggest smile. "Exactly, Maria! Exactly!"

P.24 32%

You have written to me. I see it on my phone when I get home. Hey eggs, you write. Feeling better? you
OK? Miss you quite a bit. I wait to answer until after I have eaten. Rye bread dishes with eggs and new
potatoes. I'm telling you about the radio program I heard on the way home from school. P6-Beat loves
the Smiths. Love is a strong word. I press send and get frustrated that you are not responding right
away.

P.25 33%

Tore was sitting in the kitchen when I came out to eat breakfast. The clock was a little in one. "Well, then
you came up." Tore sat and read the newspaper and listened to the radio, just as he used to. I asked if
he wanted coffee. "No thank you." "Well," I said, sitting down. "I actually do not want that either." Tore
asked if I should not soon start doing something, "Nah," I said. "I'll probably find a job sooner or later."
"Yes," said Tore. "So if you're looking." I ask if he was tired of having me at home. Tore said he just did
not care to see people waste their lives. "You are not my father," I said. "Then get involved."

P.26. 35%
"Have you noticed that joy goes from the bottom up?" We have just got time off from school and are on
our way up to Norreport station. "What?" "That joy goes from the bottom up, just as anger goes from
the top down," says Sylle. "I do not think so," I say. Sylle stops and stands in front of me. "Pretend you're
cheering." "Wuhu," I say. "No Maria, come on. Try just right." I roll my eyes. "Wuhu," I say with my
hands over my head. Sylle looks satisfied. "There you can just see!" he says. "Your hands go from the
bottom up!" "OK.," I say, taking my hands down again. "And what am I going to use it for?"

P.27. 36%

Maria, So now I'm worried - why do not you answer me? You know that I check my mail every day and
that I try in every way to make mg available myself. It's not because you're mad, is it? We've been best
friends for what, eight years, so do not think it's fair that you freeze me out this way. I just want to be
there for you! So Maria, send me im nothing else just the world's shortest mail: "I'm OK." or something.
Miss you, A.

P.28. 38%

My real dad calls right after dinner. I have not spoken to him since the day Tore was buried. I can hear in
his voice that he is relieved that I'm picking up the phone. I know he misses me. "Nah, also!" he says. My
dad knows many languages and likes to use them. "Wie gehts, wie stehts?" I tell him it's OK. I'm going to
Bornholm on Thursday. He asks how Mom and Tore's boys are doing. I tell him that they must have
benefited from a little Bornholm. There is so much sun and nature. He asks if there is anything new in
terms of study choices. I say it's probably still going to be medicine unless I come up with something
else. He asks when there is an application deadline. "Start July," I say. He says that they have spent the
day today drawing drawings of the world as they imagine it to be. He also

P.29 39%

thinks I should draw one. Without google and just based on how I remember it. I laugh and say he's
probably 200 years late for it. He does not understand what I mean.

P.30. 40%

I pick up the phone when it rings. It's Sylle. He usually never calls on a Saturday night. "It's Sylvester."
"Hi," I say, thinking it's weird that he's introducing himself as Sylvester. He asks if I feel like hanging out
tonight. I say I have no plans. "Is that a yes?" "Yes," I say, what else should it be. Sylle asks what I want
to do. I say it might be a little too late for fish cakes. He laughs. Seriously, I say, I do not know what I
want to do. Sylle says that he has checked AOK and that there is an indie concert at Loppen. Otherwise,
he says, there's also the new Coen movie in theaters. I say yes to both. Sylle asks what I would like. I say
that everything sounds good and that he can choose.

P.31 41%

He says we can also stop doing anything if I do not feel like it. I say that the concert at Loppen sounds
OK. "Super!" says Sylle
P32. 41%

Mary for Satan! So answer me though! Can see that you have been online on Facebook several times, so
yes, you have read my emails. You know how I feel when I can not get in touch with people. Please!

P.33. 43%

You write: Can I call you? I do not know if you can. The message irritates me. You can try calling and see
if I pick up the phone. Of course, I write back. You call five minutes later. "Hey eggs," you say. "Whats
up? How is schoole?" Alright, "I say." So Much Fun. as always. "You laugh." That sounds convincing! ""
what about sylle? "you continue. Sylle sounds ugly in English." hes alright, "I answer." what about
reading? do you get any reading done? "Stop small-talking me," I say. "sorry," you say. "But I'm
interested." "Iknow," I say. "what about your mum then. how is she getting on? and you are you OK?" I
tell you that my mother has decided that I am going to Bornholm on Thursday.

P.34. 44%

"The sunny Island!" "Yeah," I say. "you remembered." "that sounds nice," you say. "Its gonna be good
for all of you to get a bit away from all this." "thats what my mum is saying too," I say. I think it would be
nice if London lay next to Copenhagen so I could take you to Bornholm.

P35. 45%

The first time I met Carl and Malte I did not need siblings. I had just been to Louis Nielsen with my
mother to try on glasses and thought that new things were happening at the moment. On the corner
between Vesterbrogade and Saxogade stood Tore and his two boys. "Hi Maria," said Tore. "This is Malte,
and his name is Carl." Carl stood packing an ice cream over a trash can. They had just been in 7-Eleven.
"Malte ate of a wrist." Fun to run into you here, "said my mother." Yes, isn't it? " Said Tore. I thought
Carl and Malte looked as stupid as their names. Tore asked if we should not find a place to drink coffee
all together. My mother thought it was a good idea. I said I thought I should go on face with my mother
alone. It was only Carl and Malte who heard it .

P.36 46%

"Practice," Carl said. "I have a Pokemon card in my bag."

P.37 46%

Sweet Maria, Have been thinking about things for a while, and since you are not answering, I am
considering going home. Feeling pissed off about missing the funeral and do not think you should go
through here alone. Knowing that your silence means you have it to hell and I can not enjoy my journey
at all when I have no idea if you are completely broken. You are the best person I know and there is
nothing I would rather than be there 100% for you. Also think Emma will understand. Have checked
airline tickets and it will not be too expensive if I fly on Wednesday. Please, Please reply! Know well how
you are in such situations, but really need to know what to do. A.
Del.2 47%

How to get rid of quicksand. When moving in areas with quicksand, you should carry a solid branch. It
will be a help to get up if need be. As soon as you start to sink, you put the branch on the surface of the
quicksand. Then lie down on your back on top of the branch. After a minute or two, equilibrium with the
quicksand is achieved, and then you do not sink anymore. The Worst Conceivable, A Handbook of
Survival.

P.39 49%

It's Thursday and I'm taking the bus to Bornholm. I'm thinking of Amalie and that she did not come with
the aviator yesterday. She was obviously listening when I wrote that I was OK. And that she should not
go home for my rinse. My mother and grandfather stand in Ronne harbor and wave to me as the ferry
docks. I catch sight of them right away. Even on Bornholm, my grandfather is the only one who drives a
big, gold Toyota. We get in the car and drive towards the house. I sit with my forehead against the pane
and look out. "There are no people on Bornholm," I say. "Mid-May is out of season," my mother says.
"So here are none other than us." My mom thinks it's nice. She adds that you can then cry wherever you
want. I say it's OK. It is not every day that you lose your husband. "It's fun," she says. "Usually I have a
hard time crying."

P.40 50%

I say I know all about it.

P.41. 50%

We celebrated my 18th birthday on Bornholm. My mom asked which one of the songs I would rather
have. "Preferably none," I replied. "It's not a real birthday without birthday song," she said. "So the old
one." "It's boring," Tore said. "We take it with the instruments." The cottage was crammed with guests.
"Please do not." "Maria has a birthday, and she has, and it is today ..." Tore had started, and all the
guests sang along. He directed Carl and Malte to a "stupid-stupid" between today and and now listen
here. Even he was an extra echo after the hurray. He was gripped by the mood and lifted us through 18
different instruments and a long series of cheers so that it felt as if it would take no end.

p.42 51%

Carl and Malte arrive by boat the next day. When I see them, I think they have lost their father, so now
they are fatherless. I also think that sometimes I would have liked to swap my own father for their
father, but that kind of thing is not meant in the long run. By the time I had to say goodbye to Tore, he
was already in a coma. "You must have been my father," I said, as I could see all the way to the Swedish
coast. "But now that I do not have to live any longer, I'm glad my real father is still here."

P.43 52%
I'm out for a walk with Tore's boys. There is a sign on the way down to the harbor by a dog that has
made shit and a hand that picks it up. The hand is bigger than the dog. "It looks like God's hand!" says
Malte. "It looks like God is picking up the shit," Carl says. "It looks like you just have to let the shit lie,
because then God will probably remove it for you." I say God willing to pick up my shit.

p.44 53%

A millipede crawls along the floor on the patio. It's slow. I think it's ironic to have so many legs and still
not be able to move faster. It reminds me of Asia. There we spent several hours squatting over various
insects. The millipede changes direction and begins to crawl in circles around itself. I should send you a
picture of it.

P.45 54%

I'll take Carl and Malte on an excursion. That's my mother's idea. We might as well get something out of
it now that we're all three here. My grandfather says we can just take the Toyota. Malte thinks it's cool
that I have a choir card. I think "scary" fits better. We drive down a very steep hill. i can see it going up
just as steeply on the other side. It's wild how everything smells of ramslog. painted screws a little up for
the music. P4 sounds completely different on Bornholm. I come to mind when I missed a right to give
way and did not get a driving license. My driving teacher was completely distraught because I could not
stop spouting in addition to his new BMW. When I got home, Tore had bought dump flowers for me.
"Congratulations," he said. Congratulations on raising the weather for the driving test, and
congratulations on going to the driving test again again. "I make an appointment with myself. If Carl or
Malte dumps their driving tests, then I must remember to buy dump flowers for them.

P.46 57%

My mother asks how I am. I say I still have nausea. "Have you taken a test?" I have. "Reach?" I'm telling
you I'm not pregnant. Pyha, says my mother. "But I haven't had my period either," I point out. I've gone
five days over time. My mom thinks I should take one more test. I dont 'think so. I just took one and one
must be enough. Nausea is a symptom, my mother says. I emphasize that I have had nausea ever since
Tore died. It's almost three weeks ago now, so if I was pregnant, the test would show it. "It doesn't
sound nice," my mother says. "It doesn't sound nice," my mother says. "It's not fair," I say. My mom
gives me a hug. "There are so many things that are not."

P47 57%

"At least you have the Englishman," she says.

P48. 57%

Grandma says I have to feed the gulls the rest of the bread. I take the bread and go for a walk along the
coast. The sea is completely clear and calm. The only seagull I find is dod. i'm considering throwing the
bread in the sea anyway. I sit down next to the dead gull. It must have been dead recently, I think, it still
looks like a living gull. On Bornholm you cry everywhere.
P49. 58%

We're out walking. I say it's fun how to count people on Bornholm. "I've seen two," Carl says. Malli asks
who should have Tore's sunglasses. My mother says we must take every thing to its time. Maybe there
are others who would like the sunglasses. I say that now it's almost three weeks ago, so it's probably
time to take a stand on that kind of thing. My mom says I should stop meddling. "Well, that's true," I say.
"But do I have to?" my mother sighs. I think the only thing I want is the Nils Malmros box. And a my
brothers decide to continue to be my brothers. "Now I've seen one more," Carl says.

p.50 60%

In the garden next to ours stands a tall tree with a lot of bird nests. I think it looks nice. My mother
disagrees. "It's roaring," she says. "It sounds like the murder scene in a horror." I say I do not understand
what she means. It then looks cozy as they all live so close to each other and krah-kraah´ are together.
My mother points out that 14 roaches in a tree is way too many rooks in a tree. I say five people in a 90
sqm apartment is too many people in one apartment. "I thought otherwise you well, liked to live that
way," says my mother. "Exactly," I say. "I love it."

P 51 61%

I check my phone after dinner. You have called. Whats up? I write. Talk now? I'll take my phone out to
the garden in case you call. The others are sitting inside the living room. I can hear my mother trying to
persuade Carl and Malte to play Bezzerwizzer. The phone vibrates in my hand. Sorry eggo, you write.
Just watching some football. The moment after, a picture of you in the stadium pops up. You look
happy. Are you ok? Want me to call you anyway? you write then. I close my eyes and take a deep
breath. I think of ramslog and of rooks, and how to explain it all in English. Dont worry, I reply, adding
that we can just talk about when I'm home again. I also write that here is OK., And that heg hopes your
team wins..

P52 64%

Malte asks what we do with the tomb. "What do you mean?" asks my mother. We sit on the terrace and
drink coffee. "Yes, well, what should it say?" Carl says he had a bit of a thought that it might be fine to
shape it like a guitar. My mother does not think so. I say that otherwise you can also just get a small
guitar painted on. "No," says my mother. Malte says that a guitar is otherwise just Tore. "He always
played," says Carl. My mother says that symbols on tombstones are bad style. Malte says that there
might be something about that. "In fact, I don't even think Tore wanted a tombstone," my mother says.
"He would not mind just being turned into a rock." Carl puts a hand on my mother's shoulder. "No," he
says. "He probably would not."

P.53 65%

Malte nods. I'm saying I think there should be a stone anyway. "Can we close this?" says my mother,
looking away.
P.54 66%

Carl asks if I want to do something with him. "Yes," I say. He says we can go for a walk. Maybe down to
the water, because it's hot enough to bathe. Or we can go down to the harbor and buy some ice cream.
Or a beer, if I prefer. I say it sounds fine. He asks what I most want. "I do not know." He says that now
that he has come up with a proposal, it must be me who makes the decision. "I'm bad at it with
decisions at the moment," I say. "OK.," He says. "So am I." I say it is not meant that way. I just want
everything just the same, so I need others to tell me what I want most. Carl says what I feel like right
now is making a decision. "OK.," I say. "Let's go down to the harbor and then see if we feel like ice cream
or beer when we're there."

p.55 67%

My grandmother shouts from the kitchen that pretty girls do not just drink beer at the harbor. I shout
back that someone must be listening at the door.

p.56 67%

We see Denmark's largest waterfall. Imagine that it is located on Bornholm. Of all places! Carl and Malte
want quite close. They climb on the rocks around the fall and reach out to touch it. My mom shouts that
they need to be careful. She asks what I think of it. I tell you that Elliot and I saw one in Asia that was
much bigger.

P.57. 68%

We have breakfast in front of Hammershus. My grandmother has greased folders and made filter coffee
in jugs. Half of the foods are with egg salad, the other half with ham salad. "Where is it just ugly," my
mother says. "It's so nice that you all have a priority to take over here." She has tears in her eyes. "Joh," I
say. Carl calls dips on the last one with egg salad. Malte says that then he will not have more, "Take
yourselves together," I say. My mom says that Tore is probably looking down right now and would like
to join. Almost synchronously, we look up at the sky. It's lame. It's not because he's up there anyway. "I
think it would make him happy to see us try to be a family down here," my mother says then.

P.58. 69%

I get my period in the morning before we go home. It bleeds luck wildly and I feel like throwing up. I look
at the blood as I pee and think of all the children who do not turn into anything anyway. I think that if-it-
was-now, if they would then have your eyes and my nose, and that one day they too will lie in the iodine
and not breathe anymore. I know I should be relieved, so it's me. After washing my hands, I throw up in
the toilet.

DEL 3 P.59. 70%

How to fight from the free of an alligator. If the attack takes place on land, try to get around on the
alligator's back and press down on its neck. It forces its head and jaws down. Cover the alligator's eyes.
It usually makes it calmer. If it goes to attack, go after the eyes and snout. Use any weapon or fist. If its
jaws are closed on something you want to remove (such as an arm), tap or tap it on the snout. The
Worst Conceivable, A Handbook of Survival.

P.60 71%

My dad calls as soon as I walk in the door. He says they have just been out looking at a fire station. It is
red and tiny and is located somewhere close to a holiday home area in Ystad. He seems excited. "It has a
tower!" he says. "And its very own stream," added my stepmother somewhere in the background.
"Remember," my father repeats. "A tower!" I'm asking what the hell they want with a fire station. My
dad mumbles something in the direction of better safe thatn sorry. My brothers no longer have a father.
There I have. I think luckily I still have my brothers too.

P.61 72%

"How was Bornholm?" asks sylle. I tell him that the fish cakes over there are not quite as good as the
ones we buy in Torvehallerne. He asks if the herring was good. I say I do not eat herring. What about the
fish fillet? I say it was fine, although when I think about it, it lacked a little lemon. And possibly a little
salt and pepper too. Sylle asks why all conversations with me end up being about food. I ask if he ever
makes me hungry. He does not have that. I laugh. Mostly because Tore used to say the same thing.

P.62 73%

I sit and decorate used cans. It's in the middle of the day. I cut one of the equations out of my book and
paste it on the can. I draw a moon and a star and a frying pan and paste it on next to it. I'm looking at my
phone. You have not written. I put a pencil in the can and place it on the windowsill.

P.63 74%

Sweetest, coolest Maria, Nice to hear you were OK. Hope it was good on Bornholm? Haven't been there
myself since the camp trip in 6. By the way, my mother says that you can do it all so well. You're the
coolest I know! We ended up moving on to the Philippines. Emma wanted to learn to dive, and we have
heard that there should be good opportunities for that. In the picture you see a whale shark. They are
huge, and maybe if we'm lucky, we'll be allowed to swim with one like that one day. Can imagine these
days must be extra difficult for you. School, everyday and "to-bake-to-life". You have always had a hard
time finding your way back to everyday life after a break-up. Wish you Were Here! Miss you. A.

P64 76%

The last thing Tore said to me was that I should under no circumstances cancel Elliot. He looked up at
me in horror as I entered the recovery room to look at him after the operation, which went almost as it
should. "Where's Elliot?" he asked between hoses and machines. "And why are you not at the airport?" I
said Elliot came later. "Well." So I did not cancel Elliot, but went out to the airport and picked him up.
And I'm not canceling Elliot now either, where everything is rolling and lying still at the same time and
only just right is OK.

P.65 78%

"What do you really think happens to birds when they die?" Sylle stuffs the rest of a fishball into his
mouth. "I do not know," he says. We are sitting on a bench in H.C. Örstedsparken. It's starting to get
really summery. I say that it is strange how few birds you actually see that are dead, when you think that
there are live pigeons all over the place. Sylle says nothing. I say Elliot once told me that seagulls fly out
over the ocean when they get old and think they are going to die. "Why do they do that?" he asks. I
shrug. "He did not say anything about that." We look a little at the ducks in the lake. Some of them are
ducklings. "I might just think they drop it from the sky and die," I say. Sylle giggles. I say one must not
grin at the dead.

P66. 79%

"It's just weird," he says. "It seems like a waste of time like that to fall from the sky when now, that's
where they have to go up again right after.

P.67-68 79-80%

I get bored and make a list of good and bad days since Bornholm.
List of good and bad days:
Sunday: Bad day.
Monday: bad day.
Tuesday: Bad day.
Wednesday: Better day.
Thursday: Bad day.
Friday: better day.
Saturday: Better day.
Sunday: Better morning, bad towards afternoon.
Monday: Bad day.
Tuesday: Bad day.
Wednesday: Better morning. Good afternoon.
Thursday: Bad day.
I think it's similar to the weather forecast the way I write it down. Afterwards, I tick off the days I have
had a lot of contact with you, and bun at the days I have had a little. I put a star at the age I have
thought a lot about Tore, and then conclude that there is no pattern in it.

P.69. 80%

"When are you going to tell me about it?" "Tell what?" I ask. "Tell about your dad who died." I do not
say anything. "Hell, Maria!" says Sylle. "Hell, get together! I asked here in almost 100 different ways, and
you answer none of them." I do not know what to tell. "" I do not know what to tell, "I say." Start by
saying something. "" I saw Aarhus by night with him, the night before he was admitted, "I say "And I feel
like he was my father too, even though he wasn't." Sylle gives me a hug and for the first time has
nothing to add. "I'm tired of being sad," I say. "So you do not have to ask again."

P.70 81%

It was the evening before Tore became ill, and we sat on the sofa and went to see Århus by night. It was
the last movie we were missing to see. Tore believed that Nils Malmros' collected works belonged to the
cultural formation of every human being. "After the Tree of Knowledge and the Beauty and the Beast,
this is my favorite," he said. I said that so far I liked Sorrow and Joy best. Tore asked if it was because I
could see myself in it. "no." I said. Tore said that Nils Malmros´fil generally reminded him of his
childhood. "Yes, you say that every time." "Maybe I should just shut up when I have nothing new to
say," Tore said. "Thank you," I said, pressing play. "The last in line," said Tore, "then we have no more
hanging parties."

P.71. 84%

We have just had a summer holiday, and Sylle thinks it should be celebrated with beer in the park. He
has borrowed a pair of oversized sunglasses from his father. I think look looks silly. "I have a joke," Sylle
says. "OK.," I say. He looks completely eager again. "Okay. So," he puts himself in the tailor's position on
the bench. "Two fish swim in the sea, when one asks the other: ´hey you? Do you really know what that
blue something, you call the sea, is for something? ´ The other basks a bit with his one fin and answers:
´No , but everyone's talking about it, so we should not try to find it? ´ "I peel the last remnant sticker of
my beer. "Sylle. You know it's not funny, do you?" Sylle asks why I should always be such a light switch. I
say sorry, but you can not change the nature of people. Sylle sugar.

P72. 86%

When we're about to go, he says at least it's true. I'm asking what's true. "The joke." I collect the empty
bottles together. There are six in total. "The fish are looking for the sea, even though they are in the
middle of it," says Sylle. "It can be, that's the way it is with everything." I do not know what to say, so I
do not say anything. "I was thinking of you when I heard it," he says. "I had actually decided not to tell it,
but now I felt like it anyway." I say thank you with a feeling of coming to mean it one day.

p.73 86%

"Can I come next Friday?" I'm in the Net and in the process of paying bananas and peeled tomatoes,
"Two sec," I say. The girl behind the counter is terribly bored. She can barely keep her eyes open while
she hands me my change. "Im back, what were you saying?" "Can I come next Friday?" I have the
bananas under my arm and the canned tomatoes in my hand. It would also be easier if I remembered
bags. "Eh yeah of course." "figursed i need my watch my back." "And your favorite sock of course," I say.
You are laughing. "perfect." "exactly, perfect." I say. "No need to see me, then." "wouldnt bother," you
say, and I can hear you smiling.
P.74 88-89%

I call my mother to hear how she's doing. "OK," she says. "what about you?" I say I'm OK too. "Are you
all right with the Englishman?" she asks. I'm saying he's probably coming on Friday. Mom asks why I say
'probably'. I say you can only take one day at a time as you never know what might happen. She asks if
the nausea is gone. "Yes," I say, adding that now I have so much pain in my head instead. My mom says I
need to remember to drink water. I tell her I drink lots of water. I stand and look at myself in the mirror
and try to assess whether my pupils are the same size. If they are not the same size, then it could be a
sign of a blood clot. Tore's pupils were not equal in size when he was admitted. In addition, he also had a
headache. "Are you sure you're OK?" I ask again. My heart is breaking, says my mother, but we'll
probably have to deal with it.

P.75 89%

I spontaneously feel like writing to Amalie. I sit down with tea and my computer and a feeling of wanting
to tell it all. By the keys, I still get in doubt. Mostly because I do not know what to write. I think I want to
tell you something, I write. But I do not know what. The answer comes immediately after: a heart and a
smiling smiley.

P.76 90%

I sit down and draw. I draw a drawing of how I think the world should look like. I draw Denmark huge
and switch between Amager and London. There is a road from my house to your house and I estimate
that if you had a bike, we would be able to cycle back and forth between each other in under 10
minutes. I also draw a ladder that goes from City Hall Square and up so ordinary people like my mother
and my brothers can climb up into the sky and visit people like Tore who are dead. I throw the drawing
in the trash and draw one more. This time I draw the world as I remember it.

P.77 91%

I think of Tore as I walk home from school. I imagine he's sitting somewhere up there living in a nice
house, close to a lake that shows what we're doing down here on earth. I imagine that the house works
in such a way that when one of his closest dies, you can just extend the house with an extra extension in
which he or she can live. When my mother dies, she will live with Tore, and when my brothers die, they
will live in an apartment next to Tore's. They will live there with their wives, and when their children die
one day, yes, they will also live there with their wives and children. I laugh because it dawns on me that
Tore is going to meet my future husband that way anyway, and I can not wait to tell my brothers about
it. I think again of the lake that shows us down here and suddenly gets a bad conscience. "Sorry Tore," I
whisper. "Sorry we all look a little sad down here. I know it's going to make you sad to see. But ... it's just
because we miss you so much and do not know what to make of us. even to get better. "

P.78 95-96%

The day my feelings come back, I sit in my bed and read. I'm almost halfway through Everything is
illuminated and think it's OK. I can feel them coming one by one, just like if one's phone has been turned
off while on vacation and you turn it on again when you get home, and the text messages slowly come
tumbling into random order. There's the feeling that should have been there when I picked you up at
the airport, there's the feeling of lying with you, the feeling of missing you, the feeling of Sylle buying
fish cakes, the feeling of seeing sunshine, the feeling of HC Örstedsparken in the rain, the feeling of
eating ice cream with my brothers, the feeling of drawing a heart with melted chocolate on my tongue,
the feeling of driving a car on Bornholm, the feeling of seeing Tore be dead, the feeling of Tore staying
on with being dead, the feeling of solving my first differential equation, there is the feeling of feeling a
feeling ... It continues for a long time. Even several days later, I feel feelings coming back. They are
absolutely wild and I get scared at the thought that there might not be room for them all.

P79. 97-99%

Eventually I call. "I miss you," I say. I discover that I am crying. "I know," you say. "I miss you too." "Why
is everything shit? Why does everything on my inside feel shaky and broken?" "Its alright," you say. "its
gonna be alright. you dont have to worry about anything." "But i do. I worry about everything. Since
Tore got sick everything has just been, shit. Either I worry, or I feel nothing. Why cant is just be happy?"
You're quiet for a moment. I can feel you pressing the phone close to your ear. "So, tell me how you
feel." "I dont know. I honestly, really dont know, I dont know anything. I dont like when people ask me
that question." But try. "I'm telling you that it feels like there are roller coasters inside my stomach. That
there is a blog a pink carriage and that they drive staggered apart. All the way from the top of my head
down to mine fodder.That they spring and rumble, and when they pass me chest I can not breathe.You
ask if you should not take one of the carts.If you should not take the blue so we can share about them.I
say , that you do not understand what I am saying. "Please." You say I must focus and then use all my
strength to push the blue carriage out through the tube and over to you in England. I close my eyes and
press. "There we go, "you say, adding that you love me.

p.80 99-100%

I have noticed that it is always the voice that one loses first. For example, when it's winter and you're
getting a sore throat, it's the vocal cords that it puts on first. "Sorry," one whispers in the faintest voice
in the world. "But I have a sore throat." Or when you win an Oscar and the whole world claps and
expects a speech of thanks, but you just stand there on stage with a trophy in hand and tears rolling
down your cheeks and you can not get a word out. Or when you sit and are a family out in the kitchen
trying to tell a story, and Tore then for the third time interrupts with what he calls "a little intermezzo",
so you laugh and laugh and can not tell the rest at all.