Day with the Media - Blog Entry of An Overwhelmed Consumer

After spending all day yesterday at the mall, ‘Carol’ decides to blog her day as it is affected by the various
products she interacts with. All times have been rounded to the nearest quarter-hour and in some cases are
fictitious to protect the innocent.

8:30 am: Woken by Husband insistently saying ‘Time to get up, dear’ and Toddlerette
scrambling over mother’s inert body gleefully crowing ‘Mama wake up!’ Rise from my
Squealy PostureMedic refreshed and renewed. Actually, my back hurts. Shouldn’t’ve
bought my mattress ‘anywhere else’…

9:00 am: Take shower. As instructed on my shampoo bottle, I ‘surrender to the

intoxicating fragrance’. Now entering a world of botanical bliss, being embraced by a
meadow of fresh flowers. I am rejuvenated and restored… Coming to with a start, I
realize that several gallons of water have whirled past the spinning water meter in the
basement, been artificially heated, and gone pouring past my unconscious body down the
drain while I have been communing with my shampoo.

9:15 am: Get dressed. My clothing reflects my true personality and inner style, each
choice I make a clear statement of the woman I am. Look in full-length mirror (note:
always a mistake before breakfast) The statement is ‘Haven’t done laundry for a week’,
and I appear to be channeling Ma Joad.

9:30 am: Breakfast. Overcome by waves of guilt as I am not consuming farm-fresh eggs
from free-range chickens, whole-grain bread, fat-free chicken bacon, nor my daily
allowance of fiber. Hope ketchup really does count as a vegetable serving for
Toddlerette’s sake. Also failing as a mother and wife by not purchasing and serving pulp-
free orange juice and Scrunchie Hay Nuggets - part of a complete breakfast – to my
trusting daughter and Husband.

10:00 am: Aforesaid daughter and Husband out the door to playgroup. Time to do some
cleaning. Trustingly squirt ‘No Rinse Shower Cleaner’ on every surface of the shower.
Massive mildew previously overlooked in the throes of botanical bliss. While nursing
overstressed wrist, read label: “FOR BEST RESULTS START WITH CLEAN
SHOWER”… I am illuminated…what pure, effortless logic! Why have I never realized
this before? Resolve to turn my life around, starting with cleaning the shower.

11:00 am: Dusting, tidying, sorting, reorganizing. My Smiffer dust mop has taken over
my body using a form of electronic mind control. The waves seem to be emanating from
the oddly-coloured handle. I am dancing balletically around the house with an expression
of blissful pleasure, waving the duster in the general direction of shelves and ceiling
lamps with fairy-like grace and agility. No comparison to the dollar-store feather thingy.

11:30 am: Phone rings. Am offered fabulous opportunity to take free vacation, which I
cannot afford. How generous of these wonderful people to give away cruises and hotel
packages! If only I could take the time off my shift work…

12:00 noon: Husband and Toddlerette will be home soon. Must make fast, nutritious,
and appealing lunch for all of us. Decide that all three of those adjectives cannot
peacefully co-exist in same sentence. Vacillate over which one to discard. Frantically
open can of tuna, mix with mayo and grate an onion over it as car rolls into driveway,
opting for the first as being achievable. Hoping that aroma of onion along with yeasty,
homey scent of whole-grain Earth-Hearth Artisan Bread will create atmosphere of
domestic calm and comfort. (Bread thickly sliced. Gets caught in the toaster. Aroma of
scorched whole-grain Earth-Hearth Artisan Bread added to raw onion and tuna oil.)

12:45 pm: Finish lunch, do dishes. Nobly avoid the temptation of communing with my
dishwashing soap despite its promises of nasal intoxication with ‘spring-fresh scent’, as
cannot afford to waste more hot water. Realize that if I had used Borelle-brand
disposable dishes, would not have had to use any water at all. Am steeped in regret and
cooling dishwater.

1:00 pm: Getting ready for work. Deodorant: must choose between tough twenty-four
hour protection in ‘Ski Lodge’ scent or glides-on-smooth-and-dry-with-no-white-residue
eau-de-Spa Boutique. Husband removes choice by grabbing ‘Ski Lodge’ and swiping it
under his arms. Remind him lovingly that it is 24-hour protection - by Menschen! and
he doesn’t need to apply it again until tomorrow.

1:05 pm: The woman in the commercial must have a less defensive husband. I use my
Spa Boutique and put on a fresh outfit. This time my clothing would reflect my true
personality and style and make a statement about the kind of person I am, except that I
wear a uniform to work.

1:15 pm: To work. Stride along the pavement with new spring in my step thanks to my
new Soles shoes. I am confident…I am beautiful…My hair bounces. My hips bounce.
My… well, ok, I need to buy a new bra as well. I’m obviously not getting the support
and uplift I deserve as a real woman.

Wonder briefly who the fake women are and what they wear. Shorten stride to decrease
amount of bounce, as I wouldn’t want to make the fake women jealous. Get to work
without heads turning, windows rolled down or handsome strangers impulsively shoving
bouquets into my arms. Suppose I could try taking the other way around the block – but
what would I do with all those flowers? Besides, I have allergies.

1:30 – 5:30 pm: Work. Sustained by my Spa Boutique protection. Refreshed by

vacation break at pop machine – dropping in a dollar transports me to the Paradise Zone
where scented breezes blow my hair, cool waves splash up around my feet, birds begin to
sing, and the ecstasy of tropical fruit flavours permeate my tastebuds. Sound of boss
clearing throat and coworkers’ sotto voce comments (“It’s the mamba.” “You mean
samba. A mamba is a snake.” “No, no, you guys, it’s ‘rhumba’. The dance is the
rhumba.”) return me to the stark, fluorescently mundane workplace. Boss walks by and
looks meaningfully at his watch. Co-workers scatter. Actually, I like my work and the
building is very comfortable. Return to desk, where, thanks to my intelligent purchase of
a Bollerrall pen, I am insulated from carpal tunnel, provided with a fresh flow of ideas,
and safe from ink explosions in my shirt pocket. Do not have shirt pocket, like male co-
workers; however, am appreciative of Bollerrall's thoughfulness and inclusivity.

6:00 pm: Dinner. Dig through freezer for inspiration. Come up with box of pasta entrée
which only takes six and a half minutes in the microwave to create an Italian feast!

Fish through steaming noodles and sauce. Discover three meatballs and move them to
the top of the dish, artfully arranged. They are now nestled in the pasta serenely as
sleeping kittens. Something is missing. Look at box picture. Garlic bread seems not to
have been included in my box. Do not have sourdough baguette handy, or fresh garlic.
Make garlic bread with margarine, garlic powder, and six slices of white sandwich bread.

Entrée still doesn’t look like the picture on the box. Set table with cheery red-checkered
tablecloth, funky pasta dishes (wedding present), candles. Open can of olives, cut up
three to garnish dish like the box picture. Chop and sprinkle parsley liberally. Still not
enough ‘body’ and ‘shine’ to pasta. Use a ball of tinfoil in the bottom of the dish to prop
it up. Baste with melted butter and resprinkle more parsley.

Give up in the realization that this must be where the expression ‘anti-pasta’ comes from.
Turn off all the lights except for the two candles, and hope Husband will have a glass or
two of Chianti before dinner.

6:45 Finished dinner.

7:00 Toddlerette’s bedtime. So thankful I washed her precious little teddybear sheets and
flannelette nighty in Downly’s Lavender Scent Experience, giving her a soothing
fragrance which infuses her spirit even as her body rests. Inhale rapturously, hugging her
to me. Toddlerette protests. Apparently neither her spirit nor her body want to rest at
this point. Husband intervenes and puts her to bed, sternly, offering me a clean
pillowcase for my own scent experience.

7:15 Must check my email. I have mail! Lots of generous people offering me discounts
on all sorts of wonderful products. Inexpensive medication, mortgage restructuring,
enlargement of various body parts at least one of which I do not have, specialty videos,
and so on. Additional bonus: many of their letters contain a random vocabulary
improvement list at the bottom! For example: “detergent polyglot prerequisite sentinel
buttress corrosive narcoleptic finessed foci actinic exhortation toccata sunspot”. I am
briefly stumped by ‘actinic’ but then remember seeing it on the packaging of my
husband’s new ski goggles, so go and check in context. Apparently it means ‘beautifully
shiny’.

7:30 Go grocery shopping at my local SupraStore. I am a virtuous patriot because they

have “Canadian” in their name. Remind self to stop at Canadian Tired and buy gas on
the way home.

7:45 Have purchased farm-fresh eggs from free-range chickens, whole-grain bread, fat-
free chicken bacon, pulp-free orange juice and Scrunchie Hay Nuggets. We will begin
our new day together tomorrow in a sunshiny haze of gustatory bliss, nutrients, and fiber!
Also: potato flakes, six microwave dinners which were ‘On Sale’, laundry detergent,
Double-Stuff Choco-Peanut Butter Ohreos, clumping cat litter with bentonite, Redi-Cook
croissants, cola, dill pickle potato chips, toilet paper, and baloney. Did not ‘bring my
own cloth bags’ and once again must ask for plastic. Oh well, we need them for the
kitchen garbage and cleaning out the litterbox.

8:00 Put groceries away. Empty kitchen garbage and clean out litterbox. Wonder exactly
what bentonite does - give Superman a mild headache?

9:45 Bedtime. My life has been immeasurably enriched by the products I have used
today. I cannot wait to awaken tomorrow and seek a further expansion as I participate in
the marvel of consumerism that is my culture. As I fall asleep, remember that I forgot to
clean the shower….