“I’d rather be at the bottom of a ladder I want to climb than halfway up one I

don’t.” I submitted this phrase as my yearbook write-up just a few days ago. I chose
this phrase as I felt like this has encapsulated my entire college experience and the
motivations behind every action I chose to do. It’s hard not to compare your life with
every other person you meet today. I’m from a lower middle class Filipino-Chinese
family. I believe I grew up with everything I ever needed, but up until today, I still feel
like I’m going around in circles being restricted from doing the things I’m really
passionate about. As I mentioned earlier, I’d like to emphasize on the thought of how
hard it is for me to not compare myself to every other person I meet today. Everyone
has a happy family on social media. Everyone’s starting their own small business.
Everyone’s having a milestone every single day. Every time I get asked to create a
self-reflection I keep looking at myself and thinking where am I really at right now?
I’m currently a senior from the Ateneo de Manila University taking up AB
Management Economics. Ranging from law firms, non-profit organizations, and
FMCGs, I’ve now had ten internships and counting. I keep trying and trying but I still
feel like they’re not enough. I believe that there’s a constant fear in the generation
within our economic status right now wherein if you actually ought to take short
pauses or even try to rest, then you’re not getting ahead in life. There’s a standing
expectation from my parents right now that I would be handling our family business
immediately after I graduate, but now I’ve been constantly trying to prove myself
more than just what can simply be handed down to me. I’d say I’m really tired right
now. I’ve been trying so hard for the past four years, commuting from Quezon City,
Makati, Taguig, just to squeeze myself into all the big corporations and learn from
ground up when my parents are already handing me the reins to their life’s work. I’m
really tired and confused. I’d see my friend’s families and they’re happy. They also
have family businesses but they don’t get forced out of their dreams for it. Why are
other people given choices while I’m left here feeling like I’ll lose either way? Either I
handle the family business and leave my dreams hanging or I’ll forever be the
disappointing black sheep in my family’s eyes?
In consideration to where I’m currently at and with regards to the six paths
described by James Martin, I would say the path of independence resonates with me
the most. I grew up loving the heavenly Father, I grew up with people who were
heavily invested in religion. I can’t unlove Someone who I believed has held my hand
as I was struggling with every small step I took as a child. But right now, with this
reflection exercise, I would say that I’m also tired with religion. God, I love You but I
don’t have time for all the other requirements needed to get to heaven. I’m trying so
hard to prove my worth right now and I just see religion as another responsibility that
I have to answer to. Is my faith not enough? Why do I have to still prove it? I’m tired
with working hard. I’m tired with proving myself to everyone around me. Why do I still
have to prove myself to my almighty Father who was supposed to love me no matter
what? The path of independence does not mean I’m suddenly going to hate on all
the other believers of religion out there because I actually even admire them for
having the capacity that I don’t have. I still pray. I still seek His guidance whenever
I’m in a situation I don’t understand. I’m just really tired to be trapped into one
‘correct’ religion right now which will give me more responsibility and expectations
than I can already afford.