Romeo and Juliet

A New Twist on an Old Tale

A Parody
By
Jeana S. Whitaker
 Romeo and Juliet
A new twist on an old tale

Cast of Characters
Narrator
Writer (Kay)
Director (Kody)
Benvolio
Romeo
Lady Montague
Lady Capulet
Juliet
Nurse (Nancy)
Peter (Patricia)
Prince
Tybalt
Aliza
Balthasar Tybalt’s Posse of friends
Abraham
Mercutio
Paris
Sampson (Sammie)
Gregory (Raley) Juliet’s Posse of friends
Robin
Friar Lawrence
Act 1

Narrator: Two households both alike in dignity, in fair Verona, where we lay our scene. From ancient grudge break to
new mu….

Narrator is interrupted by Kay.

Kay: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. I thought this was supposed to be a new, modernized, version of Romeo and
Juliet.

Narrator: Yeah.

Kay: So why are you saying all those weird Shakespeare words?

Narrator: Not all of Shakespeare’s words are “weird.” If fact, about 3,000 of the words we use today were created by Shake-
speare.

Kay: Whatever. Kody, you’re the director, will you tell her to say the words as I’ve written them?

Kody: Cami, please, from the new script, ok? (under his breath) – Geez, writers are so temperamental.

Narrator: Okay, okay. But if you ask me, Shakespeare wrote it best.

Kody gestures for the Narrator to get back to the narration.

Narrator: Ok. So the story you are about to see is the classic story of two kids that want to be together and can ’t be.
We start with Romeo talking to his buddy Bennie and being overdramatic about a chick named Rosaline.

Narrator and Kay exit.

Romeo and Benvolio enter. Romeo is visibly depressed.

Benvolio: What’s wrong with your face?

Romeo: Oh, Bennie. I really really really really really like Rosaline and she doesn ’t even know I exist.

Benvolio: Oh, that chick’s a snob. Forget her.

Romeo: (overdramatic) I can’t!

Kody: That’s a bit much Romeo. We have to believe you when you fall for Juliet. Most people don’t even remember Rosaline
from the original play.

Romeo: Got it!

Benvolio: Listen, I hear the Capulet’s are throwing a party tonight. Let’s sneak in and check it out. It’ll be fun.

Romeo: The Capulet’s? Gross!

Kody gestures to Romeo to play it up.

Romeo: The Capulet’s? Gross!

Kody shakes his head as if it’s too much.

Romeo: The Capulet’s? Gross!

Kody gives a “thumbs up” on the delivery.

Lady Montague is passing by

Lady Montague: What about the Capulet’s?

Benvolio: We’re gonna sneak into their party tonight to cheer up Romeo.

Lady Montague: No way! You two stay away from the Capulets. You remember what happened the last time the
Prince caught you fighting with the Capulet’s in the street?
Lady Montague: It doesn’t matter who starts it Romeo. What matters is that upsets everyone in the whole town, so just stay
away from those crazy Capulets.

Lady Montague leaves.

Romeo (quietly): Let’s get the gang and head over to the party.

Benvolio: I knew you’d come around.

Romeo and Benvolio exit.

Narrator enters.

Narrator: Meanwhile, over at the Capulet house….

Juliet and Lady Capulet are discussing the party.

Lady Capulet: Juliet, you have to take this seriously. It’s time for you to meet a man and get married.

Juliet: But I’m only 14!

Lady Capulet: I know. You’ll be too old if you wait much longer. I was 13 when I got married.

Juliet: Mom, things are different now. Girls don’t get married at 13 anymore. Some girls don’t even get married at all! May-
be I want to focus on my career first.

Lady Capulet: A career? Don’t be silly.

Nancy (Nurse) enters.

Nancy: You ready to go yet?

Juliet: No. I don’t even want to go. This is so stupid.

Lady Capulet (to Nurse): Talk some sense into her please.

Lady Capulet exits.

Nancy: This party will talked about all year. Your Mom said Prince will be singing so get over it already.

Juliet: I just don’t like the idea of my Mom and Dad trying to get me married off already. It’s gross.

Patricia (Peter) enters.

Patricia: I wanna go get ice cream. Take me!

Nancy: Get out of here Patricia!

Patricia: Mom says you have to keep an eye on me.

Nancy: You are so annoying. Go wait outside! I mean it.

Patricia: I’m telling Mom.

Nancy: I don’t care! Go away!

Patricia leaves while pouting.

Nancy turns to Juliet.

Nancy: Let’s pick out your dress!

Juliet: Ok.

Nancy and Juliet exit.

Act II

Narrator: This is not your every day party. Everyone is here, but you can ’t tell who’s who since it’s a mascarade party.
And no party would be complete without live music…….. Ladies and Gentlemen, this man needs no introduction, but I will do it
anyway (because I like the sound of my own voice) – it’s PRINCE!

Narrator exits. Prince is playing at the party, but no one is dancing.

Prince: Little Red Corvette…..Woooo hooooo.

Still no ones dances. Juliet and her posse are on SL, Romeo and his posse are on SR. Both sides look too nervous to make the first
move. Lady Capulet stands with Tybalt USC, not far from Prince who is still trying to sing.

Prince: When Dove’s cry….. (he overacts a crying dove)

Lady Capulet: Why isn’t anyone dancing, Tybbie?

Tybalt: Cause when you’re in middle school, dancing is weird and awkward.

Lady Capulet: Should we play a game or something?

Tybalt: Just chill Auntie and let it happen.

Romeo: This is stupid. You can’t even see what anyone looks like with these stupid masks.

Benvolio: It’s our cover idiot.

Juliet: Why am I even here? This is so boring. (She takes off her mask)

Nancy: Juliet, check out that cute boy over there. He’s staring at you.

Romeo is staring at Juliet with his mouth wide open.

Mercutio: Romeo, shut your trap before a fly flies in there.

Mercutio shuts Romeo’s mouth.

Romeo: She’s so pretty.

Benvolio: Who?

Romeo: Her (pointing to Juliet)

Benvolio: Don’t be so obvious dude.

Juliet: I suppose he’s kind cute.

Nancy: Go talk to him.

Juliet: You go talk to him.

Nancy: Ok.

Juliet: Wait! I’ll do it.

Juliet walks to Romeo. Romeo takes off his mask.

Juliet: You enjoying the party?

Romeo: I am now.

Juliet blushes.

Prince: Let’s go crazy……………(Prince acts crazy)

Romeo: Good music.

Juliet: Yeah. Wanna dance?

Romeo: I wanna kiss you.

Juliet: Whoa, I am not that kind of girl Romeo.

Romeo: How’d you know my name?

Tybalt: Wait a minute! That’s Romeo!

Lady Capulet: He’s cute.

Tybalt: He’s a Montague!

Lady Capulet: What?

Tybalt: He’s going to ruin your party Auntie. But don’t worry, I’ll take care of him.

Lady Capulet: Hold on Tybbie. I don’t need any fights in my house. The Prince is here.

Tybalt (whiney) : But…….

Lady Capulet: No! Don’t embarrass me. Now you chill.

Romeo and Juliet are dancing. Mercutio comes up to him.

Mercutio: Dude, we gotta go. I think Tybalt just noticed you.

Romeo: But I don’t want to go yet.

Benvolio approaches.

Benvolio: You’re gonna get in serious trouble if your Mom finds out you were here. Let’s go.

Romeo turns to Juliet

Romeo: Can I text you?

Juliet: No. My Mom won’t give me a cell phone until I’m engaged.

Romeo: Engaged? But your only….

Juliet: I know. Tell me about it. My Mom is cra-cra.

Romeo: I will find a way to see you, I promise.

Tybalt looks like she wants to fight. Romeo is hurried out the door by Benvolio and Mercutio. Juliet’s posse runs up to her:

Paris: So, who was that?

Sammie (Sampson): I’ve never seen him before

Raley (Gregory): Yeah, he was cute

Nancy: He’s a Montague.

Posse: What? No way!

Nancy: Yeah. He’s bad news Julie. You need to stay away from him.

Robin: I’ll take him.

All look at her.

Robin: What? I’m not a Capulet.

Sammie: Girlfriends gotta stick together.

Paris: Yeah, everyone knows that. Boys may come and go, but girlfriends are forever.

Nancy: Would you guys shut up! Julie? You ok?

Juliet has been staring after Romeo’s exit. She sighs.

Sammie: Oh, no. That’s not good.

Robin: Oooh. She’s been bitten.

Paris: Bitten?

Robin: By the love bug stupid.

Raley: Yep. She’s gone.

Juliet (sighing): Romeo…

Nancy: Alright. Everybody out. I need to talk some sense into my girl.

The posse exits. They are a little miffed that Nancy would be so rude and dismissive. They ad-lib as they exit – “whatever,” “As if,”
“so rude,” ect.

Nancy pulls Juliet to the side.

Nancy: Julie, you ok? I’ve never seen you like this over a boy.

Juliet: I think I’m in love.

Nancy: Whoa, hold your horses Julie. You just met him.

Juliet: I know, but….

Nancy: No buts. Let’s go to your room and talk.

Nancy and Juliet exit. All others exit and narrator enters.

Narrator: You know what’s next, right? The most famous Shakespearean scene of all time. Say it with me, “The balcony
scene.”

Kody: Yes! The Balcony Scene.

Actors get into place.

Kody: And……action! (He is over excited)

Juliet is on her “balcony” and staring at the stars. She sighs.

Juliet: Oh, Romeo, Romeo. Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Kay enters.

Kay: Uh, Julie. Let’s keep this real, remember?

Juliet: Oh, come on. Everyone knows that line.

Kay: Alright. I’ll give you that one, but that’s it.

Kay exits. Juliet is satisfied with that answer and goes back to staring at the stars and sighing.

Juliet: Romeo…….

Romeo enters and sees Juliet on her balcony.

Romeo: Ugh! Why do girls always want to be on some pedestal?

He waves up at Juliet.

Romeo: Hey!

Juliet: Shhhhhh!

Romeo (Whispering): Oh, sorry. Come down.

Juliet: I don’t think so. You come up here.

Romeo: But it’s so high.

Juliet: Seriously?

Romeo: Ok. Ok.

Romeo “climbs” up to the balcony.

Romeo: Hey.

Juliet: Hey.

Romeo: What’s up?

Juliet giggles.

Nancy (from inside): Julie. Where’d you go?

Juliet (to Romeo): Hang on.

Juliet (to Nancy): Gimme a minute.

Romeo: Hey

Juliet: Hey

Romeo: What’s up?

Juliet giggles.

Nancy (from inside): What’s taking so long?

Juliet (to Nancy): Hold your horses!

Romeo: Hey

Juliet: Hey

Romeo: I just met you and this is crazy………. let’s get married.

Juliet: Ok. When?

Romeo: Meet me tomorrow at Friar Lawrence’s place.

Juliet: Great. See you there at noon. I can’t wait.

Romeo: Me too.

Romeo closes his eyes and puckers his lips.

Nancy (from inside): Julie!!!

Juliet (screaming to Nancy, but in Romeo’s face): OOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKK!

Juliet leaves Romeo on the balcony and runs inside. Romeo looks defeated.

Narrator enters.

Narrator: Ewwww. You didn’t think they were gonna kiss did you? PDA is so gross. Anyway, Romeo and Juliet meet Friar Law-
rence the next day as planned.

Act III

Friar Lawrence is marrying Romeo and Juliet.

Friar Lawrence: You kids really want to get married?

Romeo and Juliet: YES!

Friar Lawrence: Ok. Who am I to say no? (He laughs)

Romeo, Juliet and Friar Lawrence exit.

Narrator: Romeo and Juliet get married and make a plan to meet later that night and run away. On his way home,
Romeo runs into a bit of trouble.

Romeo enters and runs into Mercutio and Benvolio.

Mercutio: Hey, Romeo. What happened to you last night? You disappeared.

Tybalt, Aliza, Sebastian, Balthasar, and Abraham enter. They are angry and looking for trouble.

Tybalt, Aliza, Sebastian, Balthasar, and Abraham: Arggh! We are angry and looking for trouble.

Tybalt sees Romeo and crosses to him.

Tybalt: You!

Romeo: What’s up?

Aliza: You crashed the party last night!

Sebastian: You know that’s a great big no-no, dude.

Romeo: Look, I don’t want fight.

Abraham: I’ll bet you don’t.

Balthasar: I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t want to fight me either.

Mercutio: You’ll have to go through me first.

Benvolio: I think I’ll stand over here.

Mercutio: Bennie!

Benvolio: Sorry, not really the fighting type. Peace.

Romeo: No one is going to fight.

Tybalt: You chicken?

Mercutio: No one is chicken. Let’s go.

Mercutio begins to “bob” and “weave” as if he is ready to fight Tybalt.

Sebastian: Ha ha. What a clown.

Balthasar: This is gonna be too easy.

Romeo steps in between them.

Romeo: Guys stop. We can work this out.

Abraham: Dance off!

Aliza: Are you crazy? (to Abraham) : I can’t dance dude.

Abraham: Everyone can dance.

Tybalt (to Mercutio): No dance off you idiot’s. This is a fight.

Tybalt steps up to Mercutio and draws his sword.

Mercutio: Let’s go!

Mercutio continues to bob and weave and dance around with his sword.

Romeo steps in between them.

Romeo: Can’t we all just get along?

Tybalt stabs Mercutio, killing him. Mercutio looks shocked and dies dramatically. Romeo reacts hysterically.

Romeo (to Tybalt): What did you do?

Kody: Stop. Stop. Mercutio?

Mercutio (sitting up): Yeah?

Kody: Can you re-do that death scene? It wasn’t quite dramatic enough.

Mercutio: Ok……Stab me again.

Tybalt: What?

Mercutio: Stab me again.

Tybalt: Ok.

Tybalt stabs him again and Mercutio dies an even more dramatic death. He holds his head up and looks at Kody.

Mercutio: Better?

Kody: Great! (He gives a “thumbs up” to Mercutio.) Tybalt, your line.

Tybalt: Whoops.

Romeo: You killed my best friend.

Romeo picks up sword and stabs Tybalt, killing him. Tybalt dies dramatically.

Aliza: Uh oh.

Balthasar: Let’s get outta here, quick!

Benvolio: Romeo, you better run.

Romeo: I what have I done?

Romeo runs off. Benvolio grabs Mercutio’s feet and drags him off. Abraham, Balthasar and Aliza carry off Tybalt.

Act IV

Narrator: As if things couldn’t get more messed up, Romeo realizes that he just killed his new wife’s cousin, which means of
course, that he just killed his own cousin. Man, I wish teenagers would think things through.

Friar Lawrence enters and Romeo runs in.

Romeo (crying hysterically): Oh, Friar, what am I going to do?

Friar Lawrence: Boy, you are a hot mess.

Romeo cries hysterically.

Friar Lawrence: Well that’s certainly not going to help. Alright, listen. I have a vacation house in Padua. Go hide out there. I’ll
figure something out and text you when I got it worked out ok? Just to be safe, don’t talk or text anyone else ok?

Romeo: Ok.

Romeo and Friar Lawrence exit while the Narrator enters.

Narrator: Meanwhile, over at the Capulet castle…..

Juliet, Nancy and Patricia enter while the Narrator exits. Juliet is crying hysterically.

Patricia: It’s gonna be ok Julie.

Nancy: You stay out of this.

Patricia: Don’t tell me what to do!

Nancy: I can if I want to.

Patricia: Can not! You’re not the boss of me.

Nancy: I am today. Mom said so!

Juliet: Will you two stop it! Geez, Tybalt is dead and all you two can do is fight?

Nancy: Sorry.

Patricia: Yeah, sorry.

Juliet: What am I going to do?

Nancy: There’s really nothing you can do.

Juliet: But you don’t understand. Romeo is my husband.

Nancy and Patricia: Whaaaaaaaat????

Juliet: Friar Lawrence married us in secret. I haven’t told anybody, until now.

Nancy: Whoa, you gotta tell your Mom.

Juliet: No way! And don’t you tell her either, promise.

Nancy and Patricia pause.

Juliet: Promise!

Nancy and Patricia: Ok. Ok. Promise.

Nancy: Then you should go see Friar Lawrence. He’ll know what to do.

Juliet: You’re right! Thank you. You’re a true friend.

Juliet, Nancy and Patricia exit. Friar Lawrence enters and Juliet runs in. She is crying hysterically.

Friar Lawrence: You kids are so over-dramatic about everything.

Juliet: Please, help us.

Friar Lawerence: Alright. I have it figured out. This potion, that I made from some herbs in my backyard, will make
it look like your dead, but really you’ll just be sleeping.

Juliet suddenly stops crying.

Juliet: Pretend suicide? Isn’t that a bit over the top?

Friar Lawrence: Well, if you just run away, then your Mom will come looking for you. They will catch Romeo, he ’ll go
to jail and you will never be together.

Juliet: You’re right. Your plan is much more sensible. Why didn’t I think of it?

Juliet shrugs and drinks the potion from Friar Lawrence. Friar Lawrence exits and Juliet overdramatically passes out.

Act V

Narrator enters. Lady Capulet, Abraham, Balthasar, Aliza, Patricia and Nancy enter and stand around Juliet’s body. They are all
crying.

Narrator: Everything is going according to the plan, but Friar Lawrence ’s message to Romeo gets interrupted.

Friar Lawrence enters, texting to Romeo. Lady Capulet sees him texting at the funeral and grabs the phone out of his hand.
Lady Capulet: That is so rude!

Lady Capulet smashes the cell phone by stomping on it.

Friar Lawrence: Uh oh.

The Capulet’s and Friar Lawrence exit as Benvolio enters. She is texting on her phone.

Benvolio: Juliet is dead. Oh, Romeo buddy. This is not your week.

Benvolio exits.

Narrator: So of course Romeo races back to town, runs into the Capulet burial tomb and thinks Juliet is dead.

Romeo rushes in and cries overdramatically at Juliet’s “dead” body. He takes out a vial of poison.

Romeo: I can’t live without you. I really really really really really liked you.

Romeo drinks the poison and dies overdramatically. Just then Juliet wakes up with a big yawn.

Juliet: Romeo?

Juliet sees Romeo’s dead body and checks his pulse.

Juliet: Oh no.

Friar Lawrence enters.

Friar Lawrence: Juliet, I’m sorry. Everything got all messed up. Please don’t kill yourself.

Juliet: Kill myself? Are you crazy? No boy is worth that!

Juliet begins to stand. Lady Capulet and Nancy are returning to the Tomb and Friar Lawrence hears them.

Friar Lawrence: Quick, hide.

As he turns quickly to hide Juliet he accidentally trips and pushes Juliet. She falls on Romeo’s sword.

Juliet: Whaaat???????? No way!!!

Juliet dies and is very unhappy about it.

Friar Lawrence is mortified. Lady Capulet and Nancy enter and see the scene. Friar Lawrence is speechless. Lady Montague and
Benvolio enter.

Lady Montague: Romeo? What is going on here? What happened?

Prince arrives, followed by both Posse’s.

Prince: That’s what I’d like to know.

Friar Lawrence is stumbling over himself for an explanation.

Lady Capulet (to Lady Montague): This is all YOUR fault!

Lady Montague: No way is it my fault. I just got here.

Lady Capulet: Your son killed my nephew.

Benvolio: Tybalt killed Mercutio first.

Prince steps in between them.

Prince: Hold on. It seems the only one that knows everything is the Friar. I want to know what happened.

Friar Lawrence: These two kids were in love, but their families kept them apart. This should be a lesson for all of you.

Prince: This feud needs to end once and for all. I declare that from this day forward, all fights be settled with a dance
off. Woo hoo!
Prince begins to dance. The others join in except Aliza. Aliza groans.

Narrator: Well, not exactly happily ever after for our two heroes. But now you know the story of how dance -offs became
a regular thing.

Kay: For never was there a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

Narrator: Hey! You said no Shakespeare words.

Kay: Every writer borrows from Shakespeare once in a while.

Kody: Alright, we’ll discuss this later when there isn’t an audience. Now take a bow.

All take a bow and dance off the stage.