GENDERED STYLES

OF FRIENDSHIP
FRIENDSHIP?? ?
2 + 1 PHASES OF FRIENDSHIP
1. THE FORMATION PHASE 2. THE Maintenance PHASE
● Repeated
● The transition from strangers
Interactions/Engagements to
to acquaintances to friends.
sustain the relationships.
● Getting to know each other
● Frequent Interactions are
(Shared Interest).
required for maintaining a
friendship
3. THE DISSOLUTION PHASE
● Whereas some friendship will be maintained
indefinitely or forever, other will dissolve or break
up.
● Most friendships typically form for
the same reasons, e.g. shared
interests, support, companionship,
and etc. However, the type of
relationship appears to differ
between male and female
relationships.
 Women tend to engage each other face-to-face,
whereas men usually interact side by side.

PAUL WRIGHT (1982)

MEN ARE MORE TYPICALLY ENGAGE IN ACTIVITIES
THAT DO NOT USUALLY INVOLVE FACING EACH
OTHER
WOMEN ARE MORE LIKELY TO COMMUNICATE
FACE-TO-FACE COMAPARED TO MEN
 Feminine
Frienships:
Closeness in
Dialogue
Gendered Style of
Friendship
Introduction
Regardless of race, ethnicity, sexual
orientation, or economic status, a majority of
women regard talk as the primary way to build
and enrich friendships (Tannen, 2017; Wood,
2015; Wright, 2006).

Consequently, many women share their

personal feelings, experiences, fears, and
problems in order to know and be known by
each other (Bane, Cornish, Erspamer, &
Kampman, 2010; Yalom, 2015).
To know each other in depth, women friends typically
confide personal feelings and disclose intimate
information, and they tend to maintain higher
expectations for their friends in matters related to
trust and intimacy.

- Felmlee et al., 2012

Because most women are socialized to be
attentive, emotionally supportive, and caring,
it is difficult for many women to deal with
feelings of envy and competitiveness toward
friends.

Many women also find it difficult to override

socialization’s message that they are
supposed to be constantly available and
caring. The bottom line is that the
supportiveness and caring typical of women’s
friendships can both enrich and constrain
people.
Final quality typical of women’s
friendships is breadth. With close friends,
women tend not to restrict their
communication to specific areas but invite
each other into many parts of their lives.
Because women talk in detail about varied
aspects of their lives, women friends often
know each other in complex and layered
ways.
MASCULINE FRIENDSHIP: CLOSENESS IN DOING
GENDERED CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS
At very young ages, most boys are as emotive and
socially oriented as girls (Way, 2013). However,
boys’ social and emotional tendencies tend to be
tempered by older children, adults, and media
models of masculinity. As a result, many boys learn
to ground their friendships in shared activities,
particularly sports.
SCOTT SWAIN’S (1989)

 More than two-thirds of the men in Swain’s study

identified activities other than talking as the most
meaningful times with males friends. When men do
talk, they often talk about activities—reminisce
about great games they attended, recall pranks
they played or had played on them, and psych
themselves up for upcoming activities.
SECOND FEATURE, INSTRUMENTAL
FOCUS)

 Because many men like doing things for people they

care about, their friendships often involve
instrumental reciprocity. For example, Brad helps
Jake repair his car, and Jake assists Brad with
computer problem—an exchange of favors that allows
each man to hold his own while helping the other.
THIRD FEATURE, INDIRECT TALK ABOUT
SERIOUS FEELINGS
 Many men find it uncomfortable to disclose feelings
explicitly to other men (Burleson et al., 2005).
 If they mention serious emotional issues, they often
engage in “joke talk” (Fisher, 2009).Rather than
verbally expressing sympathy or support for a male
friend who is hurting, boys and men are more likely to
use joke talk to indicate care indirectly or to suggest
diversionary activities that take the friend’s mind off
his troubles (Rose, Smith, Glick, & Schwartz-Mette,
2016).
FOURTH FEATURE, COVERT
INTIMACY
 men “simply communicate affection in different, more ‘covert’
ways so as to avoid the possible ridicule that more overt
expression might invite”. (Swain, 1989) Male friends tend to
signal affection by teasing one another, engaging in friendly
competition, and exchanging playful punches and backslaps.
 New research suggests that men are also more likely to offer
“invisible support”(High & Solomon, 2014). Invisible support is a
form of covert intimacy but emerges in response to a particular
stressor or event. Because it is not obvious help, invisible
support allows the recipient to save face.
FINAL FEATURE, MORE RESTRICTIVE THAN
WOMAN’S CLOSE FRIENDSHIP

 Many men have different friends for various

spheres of interest (Wright, 1988). Thus, José
might play racquetball with Mike, debate
politics with Clay, and collaborate with Zach
on work projects. Because men tend to focus
friendships on particular activities, they may
not share as many dimensions of their lives
as women friends do.
 KEITH
My best friend and I almost never sit and just talk. Mainly, we do things together,
like go places or shoot hoops or watch games on TV. When we do talk, we talk
about what we have done or plan to do or what’s happening in our lives, but we
don’t say much about how we feel. I don’t think we need to. You can say a lot
without words.
FRIENDSHIPS ACROSS GENDER
Gendered Style of Friendship
FRIENDSHIPS ACROSS GENDER

 Friendships across gender pose unique challenges and offer special opportunities.
Because our culture is heteronormative and heavily emphasizes gender, it can be
difficult for women and men not to see each other in sexual terms (Bleske-Rechek et
al., 2012; Halatsis & Christakis, 2009; Lemay & Wolf, 2016). In addition
misunderstandings may arise as the result of socialization into distinct gendered
speech communities.
 Despite these difficulties, friendships across gender are
common. For many women, a primary benefit of
friendships with men is companionship that is less
emotionally intense.

 For men, an especially valued benefit of closeness with

women is access to overt emotional and expressive
support.

 One study of close friendships between gay men and

straight women reported a unique benefit shared by
both parties—the exchange of dating and relationship
advice that was perceived as more trustworthy than that
offered by their straight or gay peers (Russell, DelPriore,
Butterfield, & Hill, 2013).
In friendships across gender, men
generally talk more and get more
attention, response, and support than
they offer. A majority of people,
regardless of gender, report that
friendships with women are closer and
more emotionally rich, that women are
their primary confidantes (Barstead et al.,
2013), and that they are more
comfortable self-disclosing to women
than to men (Monsour, 2006).
 Developing
Romantic Intimacy
•Romance is about gestures, compliments,
gifts, and giving your partner butterflies.
• Intimacy is about the real, deep
connection you create with your partner.
Personal ads and online profiles offer insight into cultural
attitudes about what is desirable in romantic partners.
• Men looking for women often state preferences using
words such as attractive, slender, petite, and sexy.
• Women’s ads for male partners tend to emphasize
status and success and include words such as ambitious,
professional, and successful.
• Whereas LGBTQ-identified individuals report a larger
age range for desirable partners than their heterosexual
peers, straight men increasingly prefer younger women
as they themselves age; straight women, regardless of
their own age, report little interest in men younger than
themselves (Conway, Noë, Stulp, & Pollet, 2015).
Is one sex more romantic than the other?

•Men tend to express love in more impulsive and

sexualized ways than women, whose styles of
loving tend to be more pragmatic and friendship
focused.
•Lesbians tend to take mutual responsibility for
nurturing and supporting relationships (Goldberg &
Perry-Jenkins, 2007).
•Gay men are less likely to focus on nurturing the
relationship and providing emotional support
(Patterson, 2000).
How to nurture Romantic Intimacy in Relationships:

1. Make it a point to show your appreciation

-Take time to tell the other person what you
appreciate about them.
2. Make an effort to learn about each other
-Once you’ve known someone for a long time, it can
feel like the “mystery” is gone. Relationships grow
and change over time.
3. Set aside time for each other
- Plan a weekly date night, a monthly board game
night, or a nightly moment to check in one-on-one
before bedtime, away from the kids or other
responsibilities.
4. Unplug and focus on each other
-Spending time together without electronics can give
you a chance to give each other some undivided
attention.
5. Show physical affection (even without sex)
-Build intimacy by making it a point to show physical
affection w/o sex.
6. Tackle a project together
-working toward a goal with your partner can
cultivate bonding time, make invaluable memories,
and give you something new to look forward to
together.
7. Talk about what intimacy means to you
-Tell your partner how you’d like to spend time
together and what activities help you feel closer.
Important lesson to keep in mind:

• All long-term relationships have ebbs & flows. There

will be periods of time when either more resonance
or more polarity practice is needed. The importance
is not that you have a perfect balance of resonance
and polarity at all times. The most important thing is
learning to distinguish and be able to bring what is
needed in your relationship in any given moment, to
create the deep experience of intimacy you & your
partner are longing for.
Thank you 
Gend ered Modes
of Exp ressing
Affection
 FEMININE
mode of expressing
affection

- W omen id entify love w ith emotional exp ression and talking

ab out feeling s, asp ects of love that w omen p refer and in w hich
w omen tend to b e more skilled than men.
 MAS CULINE
m o d e o f e xp re s s in g
a ffe c tio n
- Instrumental and p hysical asp ects of love that men
p refer such as p rovid ing help , sharing activities and
sex.
Ho m o s e xu a l Re la tio n s h ip s :
GAY MEN
- eng ag es in more emotional and
intimate talk than straig ht men
b ut
less than w omen of any sexual
orientation.
LES BIANS
- g enerally shares
resp onsib ility for taking care of the
relationship and b uild s the most
exp ressive and nurturing
communication climates than any
typ e of coup le.
"Gendered Preferences for A
utonomy and Connection"
Autonomy
-is the desire and ability to be self- sufficient, self-contained, s
elf-defined and accountable only to one's self.

Connection
-is the desire and ability to be reliant on others, to be relied on,
to be connected with others, and to be defined in relation to ot
hers.
 Masculine individuals tend to
want greater autonomy and le
ss connection than feminine p
eople, whose relative priorities
are generally the reverse (Um
berson, Thomeer, & Lodge, 20
15).
Demand-withdraw occurs in one of two patterns betwe
en marital partners, in which one partner is the demand
er, seeking change, discussion, or resolution of an issue
, while the other partner is the withdrawer, seeking to en
d or avoid discussion of the issue.
Problem:
The person with less investment and/or more resources uses
power tactics to get his or her needs met while not expending
much effort to meet the needs of their partner. The emotionally
dependent partner tries a variety of strategies to correct the im
balance in the relationship.
 In this pattern, one partner encoura
ges the other to communicate, and
the other partner resists interaction
that stifles his or her need for auton
omy. The more one demands talk, t
he more the other withdraws; the m
ore one withdraws from interaction,
the more the other demands talk. B
oth men and women are likely to wi
thdraw when partners demand or re
quest change; however, the intensit
y of withdrawal is greater when a w
oman request change in a man tha
n when a man requests change in a
woman (Sagrestano, Heavey, & Ch
ristensen 1998).
 Jeff
"I get really frustratedtalking about relationships with girls I've da
ted. It seems like they feel a need to discuss the relationship every
time we're together. I don't get the point. I mean, why talk about
a relationship if everything's going along fine? Why not just be in
the relationship and enjoy it?"

Janelle
"I don't know why straight women put up with partners who don'
t work on their relationship. Angie and I both invest a lot of time
and emotion in taking care of our relationship becuase it matters
to both of us. I talk to straight friends and hear them complainin
g about how their partners never even notice the relationship. I w
ould never settle for that."
Thank You!
GENDER POWER
DYNAMICS
GENDER DYNAMICS
Refers to the relationships and interactions
between and among boys, girls, women and
men. Gender dynamics are informed by
socio-cultural ideas about gender and the
power relationships that define them.
Depending upon how they are manifested,
gender dynamics can reinforce or challenge
existing norms.
GENDER POWER
DYNAMICS
Men and Woman
1. Historically, the person who makes the most
money has the most power in heterosexual
relationships.
2. Traditionally that person will always have been
a male.
3. Men and woman believe that men should
primarily provide.
4. Although the majority of two parent house
holds today have two wages earners, the house
works and care of the children, and parents
continue to be done by woman in heterosexual
families.
5. Men who don’t have jobs in the paid labor and
whose female partner who works outside the
home engage in less child care and household
chores than men who had jobs.
6. Unemployed women spend twice as much as
time on child care and household chores as
employed woman do.
Lesbian and Gay

1. They tend to be particularly skilled at building

harmonious relationships with their romantic
partner.
2. Couples reported that they have greater desire
for shared power and decision making than the
heterosexual couples.
3. They are more likely to divide child labor and
house hold labor equally with their partner.
4. Lesbians reported greater equality in division
of labor than gay men and in lie of relying on
gender norms to divide task.
 UNEQUAL
CONTRIBUTION OF
DOMESTIC LABOR OF
HETEROSEXUAL
COUPLES
REASONS
 GENDER IDEOLOGY
 WOMAN’S ALTERNATIVE TO A RELATIONSHIP
 COMMITMENT TO EQUITY
 GENDER SOCIALIZATON
GENDER IDEOLOGY
Men and woman with more tradition beliefs about
gender are more likely than people with less than
gender beliefs to perceive it as appropriate for woman
to do most of the domestic labor.
WOMAN’S ALTERNATIVE
TO A RELATIONSHIP
Woman who don’t perceive desirable alternative to
their current relationship have little leverage to
persuade their partners to participate more in
domestic labor.
COMMITMENT TO
EQUITY
Most people prefer equitable relationships ones in
which they and their partners invest relatively equally
and in which both partners benefit equally.
GENDER SOCIALIZATION
Male socialization typically doesn’t emphasize
developing skills in domestic labor chores, where as
girls are often socialized to perform more.