Hey.

CHRISANN
Steve.
STEVE
This is a surprise, why don’t you come on in.
CHRISANN
Thank you.
CHRISANN takes LISA’s hand to lead her--
STEVE
to LISA
You coming too?
CHRISANN
Yes, I’m not going to leave her in the hallway.
STEVE
Okay. It’s a safe hallway, but...anyway--
They walk back into--
INT. STEVE’S DRESSING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
STEVE
--you remember Joanna Hoffman, she’s the head of marketing for the Mac.
CHRISANN
Good to see you.
JOANNA
Nice to see you. Hello, Lisa. We’ve met before and you told me you liked
the way I talked and that was my favorite thing anyone’s ever said to me.
LISA
You’re from Poland.
JOANNA
Yes I am. Do you know where that is?
LISA
pointing to the top of an imaginary globe
The top of the Earth.
JOANNA
I think you’re thinking of the North Pole.
STEVE
Well we’re a little pressed for time, so--
JOANNA
heading for the door
I’ll leave you guys alone.
STEVE
Why?...do you want to leave when
you just said
--
JOANNA
over
I’m going to check in with Hertzfeld.
to LISA
We’re trying to get a computer to say hello but right now it’s being very
shy. Would you come help me?
to CHRISANN
Is it okay?
CHRISANN
Sure.
STEVE
to JOANNA
Thank you.
LISA
to JOANNA
My dad named a computer after me.
STEVE
I’m not your--
STEVE stops himself and sees the looks coming from both CHRISANN and
JOANNA.
STEVE
pause
That, actually--do you know what a coincidence is, Lisa? Like if you met
someone, if you made a new friend and her name was Lisa too, that would be
a coincidence. Lisa stands for “Local Integrated System Architecture”. L-
I-S-A. It’s a coincidence.
JOANNA
pause
You about done?
STEVE
Yeah.
JOANNA
to LISA
Come. Let’s make that computer say hi.
LISA’s still absorbing the “Lisa” information...
CHRISANN
Go ahead, Lisa.
LISA
So it was the other way around--I was named after the computer?
STEVE
Nothing was named after anybody, it’s a coincidence.
JOANNA
Come on, hon.
JOANNA and LISA exit.
CHRISANN
What’s the matter with you?!
STEVE
What’s the matter with you?! Why are you telling her these things? Why are
you still telling her I’m her father?
CHRISANN
A judge told her you’re her father--
STEVE
No he didn’t.
CHRISANN
--and where the hell do you get off telling Time magazine that I’ve slept
with 28% of the men in America.
STEVE
That’s not remote--
CHRISANN
Where do you get off?!
STEVE
That‘s not remotely what I said.
CHRISANN
picking up the magazine
It’s right here.
STEVE
First of all, can I tell you something about Time magazine?
STEVE
I believe it’s a training facility for paid assassins.
CHRISANN
“Jobs insists”--I’m quoting--
STEVE
I didn’t invent math.
CHRISANN
”’28% of the male population of the United States could be the father.’”
STEVE
I wasn’t saying you’ve slept with 28% of American men, I was using an
algorithm based on the blood test which said there was a 94.1% chance that
I’m the father.
CHRISANN
You’re trying to publicly paint me as a slut and a whore.
STEVE
Believe me, I’m not trying to publicly do anything with you.
CHRISANN
Two-million people read Time, how am I supposed to--
STEVE
over
It would’ve been more if they’d put me on the cover but Dan Kottke decided
to kidney punch me and--
CHRISANN
over--stopping him
I applied for welfare yesterday.
STEVE
I’m sorry?
CHRISANN
I said I applied for welfare yesterday. The Time article said your Apple
stock is worth 441 million dollars. And I wanted to ask you how you felt
about that.
STEVE
Well...I feel like Apple stock is being dramatically undervalued. This
would be a good time to get in.
CHRISANN
Your daughter and her mother are on welfare.
STEVE
Chrisann--
CHRISANN
We’re living in a hovel in Menlo Park. We can’t pay the heating bills, she
sleeps in a parka. Your daughter is living in a neighborhood--
STEVE
She’s not my daughter.
CHRISANN
Because as reported by Time magazine I’ve slept with 28% of the men in
America--
STEVE
No.
CHRISANN
--all of them exactly nine months before Lisa was born.
There’s a KNOCK at the door and JOANNA opens it--
JOANNA
I’ve got Andy here.
STEVE
to CHRISANN
Excuse me.
STEVE steps out into--