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Maths Jokes
Maths Jokes
"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." (P. Erdös)
So while you're waiting for the coffee to take effect, look through these... [Compiled
without attribution from lots of sources. If you know of an original source for any of
these, please let us know.]
Quickies
Q. Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
A. To get to the other - er...
Q. Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more
expensive it becomes to compute?
A. That's the Law of Spline Demand.
Q. What's nonorientable and lives in the sea?
A. Möbius Dick.
Q. What is an 'ugh'?
A. The dual of a cough.
Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathematician answered, "Polynomial. Polygon."
Did you hear about the geometer who went sunbathing and became a tangent?
My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always right.
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
A little longer
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon. One of
the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will
carry our voices far." So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are
we?" They hear the echo several times.
Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!" One of
the men says, "That must have been a mathematician." Puzzled, one of the other men
asks, "Why do you say that?" "For three reasons. One, he took a long time to answer;
two, he was absolutely correct, and three, his answer was absolutely useless."
He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder.
Armed men surrounded the jet. The would-be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please
take off now! Hurry!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a
simple Pole in a complex plane."
Noah's Ark lands after The Flood and Noah releases all the animals, saying, "Go forth
and multiply." Several months pass and Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are
doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" asks Noah. "Cut down some
trees and let us live there," say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more
weeks pass and Noah checks up on the snakes again. He sees lots of little snakes;
everybody is happy. Noah says, "So tell me how the trees helped." "Certainly," reply the
snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."
Two male mathematicians are in a café. The first one says to the second that the average
person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second mathematician disagrees,
and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of maths. The first goes
off to the toilets, and in his absence his companion calls over the waitress.
He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and
ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed. She repeats, "One thir -
dex cue"? He repeats, "One third x cubed". "One thir dex cubed?" Yes, that's right, he
says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "One thir dex cubed..."
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point that most people do
know something about basic maths. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral,
and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks, "What is
the integral of x squared?".
As instructed, the waitress says "One third x cubed," and while walking away, turns back
and adds over her shoulder, "Plus a constant."
Dubious mathematics
1+1=3, for large values of 1 and small values of 3.
sin x
lim ------- = 6
n->oo n
Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator.
Proof (ii): Suppose, for a contradiction, that there exists a horse which does not have
infinitely many legs. That would be a horse of another colour; so by the above Lemma, it
doesn't exist. QED.
Base case: If n=1 then a and b, being positive integers, must both equal 1, so a=b.
Inductive step: Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take positive integers a
and b with max(a,b)=k+1. Then max(a-1,b-1)=k so, by the inductive hypothesis, a-
1=b-1; consequently a=b. QED.
The great and the good
John von Neumann supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework
assignments on the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was
asked how to solve problems. Once, one of his students tried to get more helpful
information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von Neumann
looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes."
Norbert Wiener was renowned for his absent-mindedness. When he and his family
moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be of absolutely no
help, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since she was certain that he
would forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down the new
address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally, in the course of the day, some
insight occurred to him. He reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he
furiously scribbled some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea,
and threw the piece of paper away.
At the end of the day he went home - to the old address in Cambridge, of course. When
he got there he realised that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved
to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration
struck. There was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her
where he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener
and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the young
girl replied, "Yes Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
The great Polish mathematician Waclaw Sierpinski was coincidentally also absent-
minded and coincidentally also had to move house. His wife knew of his fallibility as
they stood on the street with all their belongings, said to him, "Now, you stand here and
watch our ten cases, while I go and get a taxi." She left him there, eyes glazed and
humming absently. Some minutes later she returned, a taxi having been called. Sierpinski
challenged her (possibly with a glint in his eye): "I thought you said there were ten cases,
but I've only counted to nine." His wife insisted there were ten. "No, count them," replied
Sierpinski, "0, 1, 2, ..."
The great logician Bertrand Russell once claimed that he could prove anything if given
that 1+1=1. So one day, an undergraduate demanded: "Prove that you're the Pope."
Russell thought for a while and proclaimed, "I am one. The Pope is one. Therefore, the
Pope and I are one."
She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner
product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed
his face. He wondered, "Was she still convergent?" He decided to integrate properly at
once.
Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with
his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and
dissipative that he was bent on no good.
"Abscissa," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her
over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her
discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her points of
inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was now her only hope. She felt his digits
tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a Heaviside operator. Curly's radius squared itself;
Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After he
cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way
around and did a contour integration. What an indignity - to be multiply connected on her
first integration. Curly went on operating until he completely satisfied her hypothesis,
then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise
continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate
now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally she
went to l'Hôpital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over
the place and drove Polly to deviation.
The moral of our sad story is this: If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never
allow them a single degree of freedom.
Oxford University Invariant Society, Mathematical Institute, 24-29 St. Giles', Oxford
OX1 3LB
invar@herald.ox.ac.uk