DR MAHINDER WATSA

 
It’s
NORMAL!

PENGUIN BOOKS
 CONTENTS

Preface

PART I

1. Introduction: Am I Normal?

2. Being Comfortable with Sex

3. The Birds and the Bees: Talking to Your Kids

4. The Bewildering Growing-Up Years: Teens and Youth

5. Relationships

6. Sexual Concerns and Dysfunctions

7. Contraception and Conception

8. Sex after Forty and Beyond

9. Alternative Sexuality

10. Unsafe Sex: Sex and Illness

11. Unusual Behaviour

PART II: FAQs

1. Being Comfortable with Sex

2. The Bewildering Growing-Up Years: Teens and Youth

3. Relationships

4. Sexual Concerns and Dysfunctions

5. Contraception and Conception

6. Sex after Forty and Beyond

7. Alternative Sexuality

8. Unsafe Sex: Sex and Illness

9. Unusual Behaviour

10. Out of the Box

PART III

Glossary

Footnotes

4. The Bewildering Growing-Up Years: Teens and Youth

5. Relationships

8. Sex after Forty and Beyond

PART II: FAQs

Acknowledgements

Follow Penguin

Copyright
 PENGUIN BOOKS
IT’S NORMAL!

Dr Mahinder C. Watsa, MD (Mumbai), DCH (Mumbai), D (Obst.) RCOG

(London), started his career as an obstetrician and gynaecologist in 1950.
Closely involved with the Family Planning Association of India, serving as
its president from 2004–06, he established sex-counselling centres in almost
all the capital cities of India. He has conducted numerous workshops in
India, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Egypt, Indonesia and Mexico. His column
‘Ask the Sexpert’ which appears daily in Ahmedabad Mirror, Bangalore
Mirror, Mumbai Mirror and Pune Mirror is highly popular. At ninety-one,
Dr Watsa is the senior-most sexuality counsellor and therapist practising in
India today, and has won numerous accolades such as the World
Association of Sexologists gold medal, the 1st Award of the International
Council of Family Health at the 7th World Congress of Sexology, and the
Golden Lamp Award of the Council of Sex Education and Parenthood
(International). To help people address their sexual concerns, he replies
personally to eighty or more emails every day. Read more about his work
on his website, www.drmcwatsa.com.
 Praise for the Author

‘As a columnist for the past 50 years, Watsa has been privy to the deepest,
darkest sexual fears of his countrymen and women’—BBC

‘In a culture that is both obsessed and bewildered by sex, Dr Watsa has
carved out an essential spot for himself as a crotchety, unshockable truth-
teller’—New York Times

‘He is long enough in the business; he knows how to impart knowledge

among the people’—Sueddeutsche Zeitung

‘The 88-year-old doctor has answers for anything you ever wanted to know
about sex but were too busy laughing to ask’—Open
To Promila, my lifelong companion who steadfastly held my hand through
the thick and thin of our life. Always giving, never expecting anything but
love. I owe her a lot.
 Preface

Experience has taught me not to be surprised by surprises. Over forty-five

years of practice and answering 40,000-plus questions from people who
have sexual concerns often as a result of lack of knowledge or
misconceptions, have resulted in this book. It would not do justice to the
subject to try and discuss all the problems that I have come across; rather, I
have picked only those that worry people the most.
This book is not a treatise on sexuality. Men and women, young and old,
will find something of interest either to enhance their knowledge or to help
solve their own sexual problems. It might help save one from the trap of a
quack who sells untested, advertised treatment which could cause harm or
have other adverse effects.
All the frequently asked questions (FAQs) that have been included in this
book are authentic and have been collected over a period of time. To
maintain the authenticity of the questions, grammatical corrections have not
been made. The relevant FAQs will help people identify their problems and
overcome their shame when they visit a sexologist or a doctor.
The first part of the book, which deals with the problems that irk most
people, has been deliberately written in a way that is easy to understand.
The second half includes FAQs in the hope that they will enhance the
knowledge of the readers and help them overcome their problems.
It is advised to first read each chapter and then, for further information,
move to the FAQs.

Mumbai, India Dr Mahinder C. Watsa

March 2015
PART I
 1
INTRODUCTION: AM I NORMAL?

I’VE BEEN A SEX COUNSELLOR and therapist for years and years, and I still
continue to be asked the question ‘Am I normal?’ while others seek
permission for their actions.
Some of the questions they generally ask are:
I masturbate and cannot stop myself.
I enjoy oral sex more than intercourse.
I have never experienced an orgasm.
I am a woman of twenty. My girlfriend and I satisfy each other.
I think of having sex with other women when I am having sex with
my wife.
I do not like watching X-rated videos; my friends say I am not
normal.
I do not like foreplay/deep kissing.
I like being treated roughly and the use of foul words during sex.
 Concerns about sexual normality start in early childhood and persist till
old age. In childhood, negative messages from teachers, priests, parents,
like ‘Don’t touch your sexual parts’, ‘Having sexual thoughts is a sin’,
‘Masturbation is harmful’, initiate doubts in young minds. It is further
compounded by the lack of sex education and guidance regarding how they
should deal with their vague erotic feelings and the persistent bombardment
of advertisements.
As boys and girls enter adulthood, the first frightening menstrual period,
the wet dreams, the strange desires make them wonder, ‘Are we normal?’
Indian men and more and more women obsess about finding out if what
they are doing is okay and if they are normal. The fear of being sexually
abnormal interferes with and even prevents pleasure and intimacy. It is in
bed that stress and anxiety affect people the most. ‘Am I wrong in doing
this?’, ‘Is my lovemaking clumsy?’, ‘Am I responding normally?’ A couple
may not enjoy the pleasure of sounds, smells, breathing and movements,
out of fear that it is not normal. Such fears may inhibit sexual exploration:
‘What if what I like is not sexually accepted or is rejected by my partner?’

SO WHAT IS NORMAL IN SEX?

This is almost impossible to define because what is normal for one may not
be so for the other. What may be normal in one country may not be so in
another.
However, there are some common criteria:
i. The two partners must consent to each other’s sexual behaviour. If a
partner insists only on one type of activity, his/her behaviour is
compulsive (insisting, forcing), limiting the freedom and flexibility
of the other person.
During love play if one partner suggests a bath together and
the other does not want it, and if it is then forced, it cannot
be said to be normal.
If the partners decide to pleasure themselves in a certain
way, for example, through oral sex, then it is normal for
them.

ii. A partner must have control over her or his sexuality so that the
sexual act does not become such that it will cause physical or mental
harm to the other partner. A certain amount of playful spanking and
tickling—but nothing more—is permitted in order to heighten the
pleasure.

iii. Sexual pleasuring should culminate in most cases among male–

female partners by penile–vaginal intercourse.

SO ARE YOU NORMAL?

 2
BEING COMFORTABLE WITH SEX

‘Sex is Religion, Sex is Philosophy, Sex is Ethics,

Sex is Science, and Sex is Human Existence’

—An inscription at the entrance of a Shinto shrine in Japan

WHAT IS SEX?
Sex is an aid to happiness and work, a substitute for all manner of
drugs and a healer of many sorts of sicknesses. Sex is for fun, pleasure
and ecstasy. It binds people together with cords of romance, gratitude
and love. It produces children. Sex is also about attitudes, values and
responsibilities.

‘A HEALTHY MIND IN A healthy body’ is the basis for good sex. Sexual
attitudes, beliefs, values, environment and responsibilities must form the
platform for your sexual behaviour. Positive thinking will always translate
into positive sexual feelings.
Many of the problems with love and sex that we encounter in our lives
are rooted in misinformation and the lack of knowledge, understanding or
communication. We often pick up confusing messages about sex during
childhood or adolescence, for example, ‘Masturbation can harm the body.’
The key to being comfortable with sex and sexuality is feeling good
about yourself, understanding how your body works, having knowledge of
sexual techniques and receiving care and respect from your partner.
 Understanding yourself is important—your sexuality, by which we mean
what you like about sex, what turns you on and how you feel about
yourself. The sex act is physical but your sexuality is largely emotional and
intellectual.
The first essential in improving your sex life is making enough time for
it.
Your lifestyle is in your hands. Smoking and chewing paan (betel leaves)
with tobacco and lime can be detrimental to health. Take alcohol if you
must, but only on social occasions, and it will not harm you, but it is easy to
step over the line and that can lead to consequences. Saying no or knowing
how much is enough is not easy to learn, but you must practise it to ensure a
healthy sexual life.
Meditation helps to keep anxiety, tension and stress under control.
For the ageing, cultivating an optimistic self-image, staying fit and
healthy and maintaining a positive attitude during midlife can effectively
counter many of the problems that arise.
Physical fitness is important. The less fit you are, the less comfortable
you will be sexually. Daily exercise is a must; brisk walking is
recommended and yoga is particularly useful. Such activities will ensure
good stamina and keep your weight under control. Eating regular home-
cooked food and minimizing the intake of junk food will keep you sexually
fit. Prayer and meditation can calm a turbulent mind.

QUESTIONS

Q. What should one expect from sex? Should it be a constant

ringing of bells, flashing of lights and fireworks, all thickly
layered with passionate declarations of love?
A. NO. Try for a sex life that is emotionally and physically fulfilling
because it is ever-changing. Cosy and gentle when you need it to be
cosy and gentle; passionate and high-voltage when you need it to be
passionate and high-voltage; exotic and adventurous when you need
it to be exotic and adventurous.
Q. Many people get extremely anxious and feel guilty if they have
thoughts which they consider ‘bad’.
A. The wonderful thing about sexual fantasies is that you can have
them any way you like. As an accompaniment to masturbation,
sexual fantasies can be marvellously effective for increasing
arousal. In short, everything sexual that you have ever wanted or
wondered about can be yours through the magic of fantasy. In our
fantasies we frequently perform actions that we would never dream
of doing in real life.

Q. What is the basis of or reason for female sexual problems?

A. Women go through several traumatic situations in life.
1. At birth—instant dislike/disappointment of parents—
communicated by unspoken words and overt action.
2. Around five years—preferential treatment—develop penis
envy (Freud).
3. Adolescence—acute anguish and anxiety regarding body image
—height, pimples, breasts—dejected if rejected.
4. Menstruation—could be a memorable or traumatic experience.
5. First night—fear and dislike of the act (rape by the man)—
trauma—painful sex (vaginismus).
6. Loss of expectations from partner.
7. Unwanted pregnancy.
8. Feeling of being used by partner (receptacle for his semen).
9. Menopause or change of life.
10. Old age—rejection—loss of prestige.

Sex education can be harmful when the girl is educated and the man
is not. It could lead to misunderstandings when the wife takes the lead.
Most sexual problems in females are caused by males. Women often
feel hurt and unfulfilled but seldom express it openly.
 Q. How frequently should one visit a sexologist? The same as a
dentist—once in six months? Is there a set of regular check-ups
that one needs to get done once a year?
A. Fortunately, the penis does not have toothaches. You can check
your penis—does the foreskin slip back easily, do you notice any
changes in the testicles, are your libido and erection good? As for
women, they should visit their gynaecologist once a year.

KNOW YOUR BODY

A large number of men and women are worried about their anatomy,
particularly the genitals. The ability to enjoy sex with your partner and
make sex enjoyable for him or her is dependent on the extent of your
knowledge, skill, sensitivity, imagination and ability to communicate—all
of which are a matter of learning and experience. Once a man becomes
aware of his real potential as a lover, once he learns how truly satisfying his
sex life can be, if he gives up performance-oriented sexual pleasure, the
question of size can be forgotten. It is important to know your body,
particularly your genitals.

MALE SEX ORGANS

Male Reproductive System (Side View)
The Penis

There are few men who have not handled and looked at their penis. They
may be proud of it, ashamed of it, anxious about it, afraid of it, or have
mixed feelings about it; the penis is an organ like any other, adapted for
specific purposes. Erection is triggered by nerve centres in the lower spinal
column. The actual stimulus that causes erection may come from the brain
in the form of erotic thoughts or impressions, or it may come from direct
tactile contact. It is more common in younger men. As men get older, they
usually find that they need more stroking and rubbing of the penis and the
genital area in order to obtain an erection. Having a problem in getting an
erection just means that their pattern of sexual response is changing.

Comparison of flaccid and erect penis sizes

 The average length of a penis varies from 2.5 to 4 inches (approx. 6 to
10 cm) in the flaccid state and from 4.5 to 6.5 inches (approx. 11 to 16
cm) when erect, with a diameter of 1 inch (approx. 2.5 cm) when limp
and 1.5 inches (approx. 3.8 cm) when erect.

The penis is composed mainly of spongy erectile tissue. Erection occurs

when blood enters the penis through arteries running through the erectile
tissue. It does not have a bone, so it will never be iron-hard.
Simultaneously, muscles near its base contract, preventing the blood from
leaving the penis through the veins.

Foreskin

The foreskin is a loose fold of skin covering the head of the penis (glans).
When the penis becomes erect, the foreskin retracts to expose the glans. By
the age of four, more than 90 per cent of boys can slip the foreskin over the
glans, even though it cannot be fully retracted.
The foreskin has small glands on the inner surface that produce
‘smegma’, an oily substance that is mixed with dead skin cells. The
smegma should be cleaned daily by slipping back the skin gently. If this is
not done, the smegma becomes encrusted, foul-smelling and infected.
The foreskin should never be forcefully retracted either manually or
during dry intercourse because it could lead to damage. The foreskin
attaches itself to the penis by a small triangular fold of highly sensitive skin
on the underside of the penis, named the ‘frenulum’. Should there be a tight
foreskin, at times, intercourse or even poorly lubricated sex can cause the
frenulum to tear or bleed. Press the fingers and thumb against the cut in
order to stop the bleeding. See a doctor for further instructions.

Scrotum

The scrotum containing the testicles has the capacity to expand on days that
are hot and humid, and contract in cold weather. The aim is to keep the
temperature of the testicles a degree or so cooler than the rest of the body.
Darker skin around the genital area worries both men and women. This is
natural as there are more colour cells in the genital area and in the armpits.
Hence they are a shade darker than other areas of the body.

Testicles

Testicles are two oval-shaped bodies enclosed in a bag known as the

scrotum. In most cases the left testicle hangs lower than the right. That is
normal.
The testicles have two functions: one is to produce the male hormone
testosterone which circulates in the body and is responsible for maleness,
and the other is to create sperms which will ultimately meet the ova (egg) in
the female to form a baby. It is said that 17,000 sperms are made in a single
minute and, while the female stops producing eggs at the age of forty-five
to fifty, sperms continue to be manufactured till the end of a male’s life.

Prostate

The prostate gland plays an important part in the transport of sperms. It’s a
walnut-sized structure surrounding the neck of the bladder and the urinary
tube. The prostate gland secretes substances into the semen as it passes
through it and supplies a major part of the spermatic fluid. Although not
much attention is paid to this important gland, it is wise to have regular
checkups, particularly after one’s forties. The PSA (Prostate Specific
Antigen) test along with a rectum examination indicates the size of the
prostate gland and helps to diagnose cancer. At times, surgery is called for
and there could be a risk of erectile dysfunction or sterility.

Male Breast: Enlargement at Puberty

Around puberty, between 30 per cent and 50 per cent of boys develop a
slight increase in the size of one or both breasts, a condition termed as
gynecomastia. It results from an excess of the female hormone oestrogen in
the body. The enlargement can cause a great deal of anxiety among boys as
they worry about their masculinity. Gynecomastia often disappears
spontaneously within a year. Should it continue, a visit to a cosmetic
surgeon would help.

FEMALE SEX ORGANS

The Female Reproductive System
Vagina

The passageway for the birth of a baby and the discharge of the menstrual
fluid from the uterus is not a simple tube. The ‘vagina’ is a series of elastic
rings put together. This allows the different sizes of the penis to
comfortably fit into it. During sexual excitement, droplets of fluid lubricate
the vagina in a matter of minutes. This is the sign of sexual arousal
(erection of penis in the male). Just like the eye, the vagina is a self-
cleaning part of the body and does not require attention to be kept clean;
however, the entrance of the vagina, that is, the vulva should be cleaned
daily.
During intercourse, the outer one-third of the vaginal opening—which
has many more nerves and is much more sensitive to touch—especially
enhances pleasure; the inner two-thirds respond to pressure rather than
touch. Therefore a male, even with a 6- to 10-centimetre penis, can satisfy
his partner with skilful foreplay.
VAGINAL DRYNESS during intercourse usually results from
insufficient sexual arousal, anxiety, fatigue or lack of involvement.
Normally the first sign of female excitement is vaginal lubrication which
may occur in ten to thirty seconds. If the vagina is insufficiently lubricated,
insertion may be difficult and both partners may find intercourse
uncomfortable or painful with a burning, itching or aching sensation.
Several factors may cause vaginal dryness besides insufficient arousal:
medications which include certain drugs, narcotics and anti-histamines;
illnesses like diabetes; and some oral contraceptives decrease the ability of
the vagina to lubricate.
Sexual dryness occurs due to lack of sexual interest. Fear of pain during
intercourse can produce a marked fall in interest, especially in women who
are tense and anxious about their sexual performance. When additional
lubrication is needed, saliva is often sufficient. Water-soluble jellies can
also be used. It is unwise to use cold creams as many contain perfumes and
oils that can cause an allergic reaction in the man or woman.
 Some women complain of the opposite problem, which is excessive
vaginal lubrication. This is not an infection as some women get highly
excited and have a greater amount of lubrication.
VAGINAL ODOUR, like perspiration, is caused by bacteria acting on the
perspiration mucus and oil that accumulate on the skin, hair and clothing.
To combat normal vaginal odour, a woman should wash daily with soap and
water, and wear light cotton garments. Any close-fitting or nylon underwear
can delay the evaporation of perspiration and may thus accentuate the
odour.
Any woman with an abnormally strong and persistent odour should
consult a physician for she may be suffering from a vaginal infection.
Vaginal deodorants are unnecessary and potentially harmful, and are best
avoided.

Hymen

The hymen is a thin membrane partially blocking the vaginal passage. It has
no known function in the body. An intact hymen is no proof of virginity, nor
is the torn or stretched hymen proof of sexual experience; at times the
hymen may be naturally absent. The hymen can split by vigorous exercise
such as athletics, cycling and horse riding. Many ignorant partners continue
to change pleasure into suspicion when they see no blood on the bedsheet
after the first sexual intercourse.
Women are often worried, at times so terrified, that they will not allow
the partner to penetrate. Sometimes the fear is so strong that the vaginal lips
just clamp together, they do not allow even a small finger to enter. The pain,
in reality, is no more intense than menstrual pain and lasts only a short
while; the bleeding is as little as from a pinprick.

Clitoris

The clitoris, situated in the upper part of the vulva which is the outer
portion of the vagina, is the size of a peanut and is equivalent to the male
penis. It is vital for the fulfilment of sexual desire. In fact, it is the penis in a
female but it remains the size of a pea. It is capable of producing the same
pleasure that men experience and is instrumental in achieving satisfaction
which is termed as ‘orgasm’.
During intercourse, the penis doesn’t come into direct contact with the
clitoris. The thrusting of the penis in the vagina moves the inner lips and it
is this movement of the vaginal lips against the clitoris that usually creates
the feeling of pleasure. Direct contact with the clitoris during intercourse by
touching with a finger or a vibrator might be more irritating than
stimulating. Stimulating the surrounding area is likely to produce a more
pleasurable response.

G-spot

The G-spot is named after Grafenberg who first described this area of the
vagina which was thought to hold the key to female sexual pleasure. The G-
spot is situated just behind the vaginal opening on the upper wall of the
vagina. When stimulated, this bean-sized area swells and that may bring
women to orgasm. To discover this spot, insert a finger carefully into the
vagina, move your finger further in until you touch something that feels like
a bumpy spot. It is usually situated between the vaginal opening and the
cervix (mouth of the womb). At times you may not be able to locate it, or it
may be absent altogether. While your action may bring you further pleasure,
your clitoris will also adequately bring about an orgasm.

Ovaries

Women have two ovaries, one on each side of the upper part of the uterus.
The ovaries are almond-shaped and serve two important functions. They
release ova or eggs which can be fertilized by a sperm from the man. They
also produce female hormones called oestrogen and progesterone. A
woman is born with two hundred thousand ova in each ovary.
The Female Breasts

Because of the importance attached to size and shape, many women worry
that their breasts are too small or too large. There is no ‘normal’ size. Breast
size and shape are determined by heredity but regardless of size and shape,
almost every woman can breastfeed and be aroused by touch alone. It is
important that at regular weekly intervals, the breasts should be examined
as follows:
First, check in the mirror for any irregularities, starting with arms by the
side, then arms raised, and then hands on the hips. Next, feel each breast in
turn in a spiral motion and, finally, squeeze each nipple to check for
discharge.
Rarely, on breast stimulation during foreplay, there might be a milky
discharge. This is due to the over-stimulation of the lactating glands and is
usually of no consequence, but if it persists it should be investigated to
eliminate any problem in the pituitary gland.

Hair

Since Vedic times, hair has been a factor in sexual attraction and is
considered a sign of beauty.
In males and females, hair can appear in the underarms and on the pubis
(over the penis or the vagina). During puberty, the sweat glands become
active and begin secreting an oily substance. The hair exists for the sole
purpose of soaking in potent mate-attracting pheromones. This initially
odourless secretion turns into a musky smell after various microbes have
had their way with it. A potential mate picks up the scent and the body uses
it as an indicator just to smell more attractive to the opposite sex.
Hair on the legs, underarms and the pubis can be removed by shaving
which is less costly and can be done privately. The main disadvantage is
that the hair that grows back may be prickly. Depilatory creams that keep
the hair away for a longer period than shaving are also available in the
market, but they are more expensive and, for some, can irritate the skin.
Alternatively, waxing can also be done either at home or a professional
salon.
If hygiene is not maintained by regular bathing, pubic lice which are tiny
bugs transmitted by sexual contact or through infected clothing, bedding,
towels and toilet seats, can cause intense itching near the roots of the hair.
At times there may be an overgrowth of hair on the body which,
particularly in women, would best be investigated to ensure that there is no
hormonal problem.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

Self-spread infection can be prevented by washing the genitals, the mouth

and anal area before and after sexual contact.
Daily personal hygiene is important. Always wear fresh cotton
underwear and have a bath daily. Men should slip back the foreskin from
the head of the penis (glans), up to where the foreskin is naturally attached
to the penis, and clean with water the waxy substance called ‘smegma’.
Women should wash and wipe from the front to the back, that is, vagina
to anus, to prevent vaginitis or anal inflammation by infection or germs
from the anal area, clean the vulva (opening of the vagina), open the lips of
the vulva and gently clean the clitoris area. Before sexual intercourse both
must clean their genitals with soap and water.

QUESTIONS

Q. What size should the penis be for good sex?

A. I think it would be far more accurate to say that a normal penis is
one that is of a proper size to function in intercourse. A long penis
is no more beneficial than one of average size. The related ideas
that a large penis is capable of giving a woman more pleasure than a
small one may be based on the mistaken notion that it is the vagina
which is the source of a woman’s sexual pleasure.
 Actually, a woman’s most sensitive genital area is the clitoris—a
small cylindrical organ located at the top of the vestibule at the
joining of the labia minora. The clitoris has, in fact, as many nerve
endings as the penis, concentrated into a much smaller area. It is the
focal point of sexual pleasure in women, just as the penis is for men.
During intercourse, the clitoris is stimulated by the pulling and
rubbing action caused by the couple’s pelvic thrusts—a stimulation
that is in no way dependent on penis size.

Q. I am a nineteen-year-old girl facing a big problem. A few weeks

back, I had my first intercourse with my twenty-four-year-old
boyfriend. We love each other very much but our recent
intercourse upset him. During our intercourse, he found that
my hymen is absent. He claims that I had intercourse with
someone else before him. But it is not true.
A. Very important. Friendship or love is based on absolute trust. If
your boyfriend cannot believe you, then he is not worthy of you.
The hymen is a thin membrane partially blocking the vaginal
opening. It serves no function. An intact hymen is no proof of
virginity—nor is a torn or stretched hymen proof of sexual
experience. In fact, a few women are born without a hymen. There
are many misconceptions regarding the amount of bleeding. Very
often it is just a little, like bleeding from a pinprick. The blood may
be mixed with vaginal secretions and so is hardly noticeable.

Q. Many a time I wonder: God has given all important organs to

humans. However, I fail to understand what could be the reason
for having hair around the private parts and in the armpits.
A. During puberty, the sweat glands become active and begin secreting
an oily substance. The hair exists for the sole purpose of soaking in
potent mate-attracting pheromones. This initially odourless
secretion turns into a musky smell after various microbes have had
their way with it. A potential mate picks up the scent and the body
 uses it as an indicator just to smell more attractive to the opposite
sex. During caveman days, hair had a protective function. If you
notice, hair was generally swept backwards (against the wind). That
is all I know about it.

Q. My friend feels that her breasts are getting larger because of

masturbation. Is this possible?
A. No. Does she think the clitoris is an air pump?
 3
THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

Talking to Your Kids

A CHILD’S FIRST QUESTIONS

C ONSIDER THE EMOTIONAL PART OF sex and loving. This is something that
begins literally from the cradle. When a baby is held close, cuddled and
hugged, one is demonstrating that touching, kissing and holding are a
pleasure. Babies love to be held and cuddled; a toddler needs a reassuring
hug to wipe away his/her tears or a kiss on his/her hurt knee to make it
better.
A parent also shows the child, albeit unwittingly, that being affectionate
is a mark of love and respect, which is important to give and receive. If
parents hold hands and caress in front of their children with smiling faces,
they are reinforcing the same idea—that a man and woman give one
another much happiness; that loving and touching are synonymous,
wonderful and natural.
And that’s how the baby gets the message that sex is good and everyone
loves to love.

TOUCHING PRIVATE PARTS

To a toddler, sex is simply one more fascinating aspect of life. He/she

explores, discovers and continues till an adult explains things to him.
 How does a parent set standards of what is good or bad, helpful or
harmful? Generally, it is what he/she imbibes as a child and then builds
upon with maturity. Unfortunately, quite often, old inherited values of what
is bad or dirty or cheap or disgusting are reinforced. A parent must never
imply in tone of voice, words or facial expressions that sex is any of these
things. If a child is told that parts of his/her body are dirty, lifelong
inadequacies may be created. A baby is born with a sex drive, not so well
developed as the sucking and sleeping impulses, but a drive all the same.
A three-month-old baby can have an erection, a tiny tot explores his/her
genitals while having a bath or when on the potty, or clutches at his/her
crotch for reassurance. A toddler realizes that it is more pleasurable or
comforting to rub a penis or a clitoris than a nose or a knee. A parent must
try not to worry; this won’t become a bad habit, not if the child has other
preoccupations and pleasures. What can happen is that a child can develop
feelings of resentment, anxiety and guilt if he/she is scolded, humiliated or
punished for innocently handling parts of himself/herself.
Even a parent who prides herself on her broad-mindedness, humour and
sensitivity is bound to get upset when her little one scratches his/her
genitals or undertakes self-exploration in public. She is understandably
uncomfortable but the best course of action is to ignore, distract and/or
substitute this with a manual toy, a game or a sweet. Later on, the parent
can explain that it is all right to touch these parts in private, but not in
public, just like he/she does not use his/her potty in the middle of the living
room or run around naked on the streets. The more matter-of-fact the parent
can be, the better it is for all concerned.

NAMING PARTS OF THE BODY

Just as a parent feels comfortable about hugging and kissing, she can be
comfortable about providing specific information about sex. How much she
says and the words she uses depend on the question. In answering, she must
be friendly, neither evasive nor vague, certainly not jocular or frivolous; she
must be serious but not sentimental. And prompt. The word ‘later’ means
nothing to a child who has no time sense. He/she will have forgotten or will
no longer be interested in what he/she wanted to know by the time the
answer is prepared.
A two- or three-year-old bursts with curiosity and the need to know.
Everything must have a name, including the genitals. A parent is proud
when a child points to his eye or ear, but carefully avoids any reference to
sexual organs or is uncomfortable with the clinical terms and substitutes
them with simplifications from her own childhood.
Parents should use actual terms if they can do so comfortably. They can
do this when asked or by identifying and teaching the names for the eyes
and ears, fingers and toes and then incorporating words like nipples,
breasts, penis, testicles, vagina and anus or their substitutes.
A good time to reinforce the memory of the parts of the body is while
giving the child a bath. The parent can make a game of it. ‘Here are your
eyes and there is your nose. Where are your fingers and show me your
toes?’ Children love repetition and sing-song intonations. By adding the
sexual organs, it all becomes natural and easy.

NUDITY IN FRONT OF A CHILD

A child at some time or another will probably see parents undressed either
partially or fully. They should then try to take it in their stride and not say
something abrupt out of embarrassment that will leave the child feeling
somewhat guilty. ‘Please wait outside until I have finished,’ should work
just fine. Just as the child notices similarities and differences in the family
group, he/she notices the biological differences. There’s nothing more
natural than wanting to know why little boys are equipped differently from
little girls.
Simple answers satisfy small children. ‘Have I lost mine?’ asks a small
girl inspecting her baby brother’s organ. She’s happy to learn the difference
between boys and girls. Girls don’t have penises and boys do. That’s the
way it was meant to be and it will never change. If she’s upset about her
lack, the parent can reassure her that only girls can have babies and grow
breasts that make the milk to feed little babies. ‘How do they urinate then?’
‘From a special place between their legs,’ can be the simple answer.

Where did I come from?

A six-year-old goes to her mother and asks her to help her out with her
essay, ‘How were granny, daddy and I born?’
The mother, embarrassed, replies, ‘Well . . . the milkman brought your
granny, your daddy was delivered by the postman and a little stork dropped
you at our door.’
She returns to school with her essay that states: ‘In my family there has
not been a natural birth for the last three generations!’
It is a natural question—because a child wants to know where he/she fits
into the family or because another baby is on the way. He/she asks
questions when he/she is ready and a parent’s answer should be given right
then, not volunteered earlier or postponed until later. Using fables,
vagueness and analogies of the birds and the bees is confusing to a small
mind and is an evasion of the facts.
Here’s how to answer the first question and others that generally follow:
‘Daddy plants a seed in mummy where there is an egg waiting.’

Where does the baby grow?

Inside a special place created just for the purpose. If he/she wants to know
more, the parent can add that the special place is called the womb and that
while the baby is there, a cord from her body to his/hers gives him/her food
until he/she grows big enough to live in the outside world. In the meantime,
the mother’s body keeps him/her warm and protected, and there is water
inside the womb to enable the baby to float and protect him/her from bumps
and jolts.

But why does mummy get so big?

Because the baby is growing inside her. After it is born, she will become
slim again.

But how does the baby come out?

From a special opening in mummy’s body between the legs— not the one
for urine or stools—which serves as a passage into the world. It is big
enough to let the baby come out without hurting him/her.

Can I see the place?

I’d rather not just now. It is a private place.

Does it hurt?

Yes, a bit. But when the baby comes out, mummy is so happy that she
forgets all about the pain (since pain is linked with fear, the parent must
smile as she says this). When the baby is ready to be born, the womb starts
a pushing process which mummy feels and knows that it’s time go to the
hospital where a doctor can help.

I want to have a baby too.

Yes, you can be a parent when you grow up and get married. For little boys:
You can be a daddy and you can start the baby in the mummy’s body. Only
boys can plant the baby and only girls can have the baby.

Do mummy and daddy do that?

Yes.

Can I watch?
No, it’s something grown-ups do in private when they are married and love
each other very much. (If by chance the child wanders in when the parents
are making love, they should not get flustered but must explain that it is a
private time and they will play with him/her later on.)

A NEW BABY

A tiny tot should be told a few months in advance that his/her mother will
bring him/her a new baby for his very own. The mother may also show
him/her pictures of babies, let him/her visit friends where there are newborn
infants, and not let him/ her set his/her heart on a brother or sister. Initially,
sex matters very little to a toddler; it is the parents who make it an
important issue. The child should be asked to help you get the baby’s things
ready to go to the hospital. He/she must understand that the mother will go
to the hospital not because she is sick, but because she needs extra help to
get the baby out.
A nursing mother has a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate and
explain the function of the breast, nipple and milk to her toddler—who will
try to nurse her dolly.
If he/she asks whether she can taste mummy’s milk too, this is the time to
laugh, give a hug and say: ‘You can eat cake and ice cream, green peas and
noodles, but the baby can only drink milk before he/she learns to use a cup.
So we have to save it for him/her just like I did when you were a baby.
Wouldn’t you like a chocolate biscuit—that is something that poor baby
cannot have just now.’

SEX PLAY

A certain amount of sex play among children of the same age is a natural
part of growing up. It helps a child comprehend what it means to be a
loving human being. They may disappear into the bathroom together; they
may show their buttocks or genitals or touch each other.
 It is alarming for a parent to find a five-year-old boy examining her five-
year-old daughter’s chest. She must try to keep calm and distract them by
substituting with books, a story or a videotape. She can also take the
opportunity to talk pleasantly about the difference between girls and boys,
and say that most parents would not like their children to play like this; it is
for adults only. When sex information is given wisely by parents, there is
less likelihood of unwholesome experiments.

SEXUAL ABUSE

A parent must warn the child about sexual abuse. It’s not enough to caution
him/her about getting into cars and accepting sweets from strangers. Studies
show that 90 per cent of molesters— including family members, old
retainers and neighbours—are known to and trusted by the children they
abuse. Age and sex is no bar.
A parent must refer to the organs that are covered by briefs or a bathing
costume as private parts and stress these three points with love and
seriousness.
1. No one should touch your private parts.
2. No one should make you touch their private parts.
3. If someone asks you to do either of these things, it is never a secret
that you have to keep. Tell mummy or daddy, even if you have
promised not to or have been told that something awful will happen
if you do. This is a bad secret.

By the time the child is four, he or she should know these rules which
should be repeated until they become second nature.
If a parent makes a child comfortable while talking about sex by
encouraging questions and observations from the very beginning, it
becomes easier to discuss deeper issues as he/she grows up. And he/she will
continue to turn to her for interpretation of experiences and ideas. This is
how the groundwork for trust and meaningful communication is laid.
 9 TIPS FOR PARENTS TO COMMUNICATE ABOUT SEX
1. Be clear about your own sexual values before you talk to your
children about sex.
2. Talk to your children early and often about sex.
3. Be sure to have a two-way communication and not a lecture.
4. Supervise and monitor your children.
5. Know your children’s friends and their families.
6. Discourage early, frequent and steady dating in favour of group
activities.
7. Know what programmes your children are watching on TV,
listening to on the radio and what they are reading.
8. Let your children know that you value education.
9. Let your children know that you value them.

—The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy,

USA

QUESTIONS

Q. My girlfriend told me that when she was six years old, a friend
of the family forced her to have sex and continued to abuse her
for more than a year. I am feeling upset. Can it disturb my love
for her?
A. It can be disturbing to discover that your partner was sexually
abused as a child. Sometimes finding out about it can make you feel
even worse than your partner who has had to live with the
knowledge. Sometimes, however, it is a relief to find out that any
sexual problems you two might have are not your fault, and
understanding where they stem from can help you deal with them.
Some people feel rage against the abusers. Some blame their abused
partners for having ‘allowed’ the abuse to happen or, if their sex life
 together is difficult, feel that their partners let the abusers have the
sexual contact which is now denied to them. These feelings are
unreasonable, however natural. Counselling can help you be
realistic about what happened and also help you both deal with the
issues that have been raised. The most helpful attitude is loving
sympathy. Patience in your sex life is also important. Knowing
about the abuse might explain why your partner does not like
certain aspects of sex, and respecting that is important.

Q. I am a thirty-five-year-old man. I am happily married and

enjoy a good sex life. My wife and I enjoy being in the nude.
Both of us believe in body culture and don’t wear clothes while
at home. My daughter is seven years old. Is it harmful if
parents stay in the nude in front of their children? My child is
now comfortable staying in the nude like us. Can we continue to
enjoy family nudism? Please advise.
A. This is a question often debated in medical circles. Obviously both
of you are comfortable with your lifestyle but are you also able to
answer your daughter’s curious questions? My personal opinion
would be to have a minimal cover most of the time. However, this
is worthy of debate among readers and they could write in.

Q. My husband and I are worried at the behaviour of our three-

year-old who has started playing with his genitals, even in front
of guests. How shall we make him understand that he should
not do this?
A. As parents you need not be alarmed as genital play among children
occurs in the best of homes. No drastic measures are needed—just
handle the matter casually and divert the child’s attention. When the
child is around six years old or more, you may without humiliating,
threatening or punishing and at a suitable opportunity, tell the child
that such behaviour will not be acceptable. Appealing to the child’s
pride and sense of responsibility may be all that needs to be done. If
the child persists, then take him to a child psychologist.
 4
THE BEWILDERING GROWING-UP YEARS

Teens and Youth

A little boy goes to his father and asks, ‘Daddy, how was I born?’
The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway!
‘Your mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I
set up a date via email with your mom and we met at a cyber café. We
sneaked into a secluded room and agreed to a download from my hard
drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one
of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a little pop-up appeared that said: “YOU’VE
GOT MALE.”’

—Unknown

A LL HUMAN BEINGS ARE SEXUAL. They have sex organs, sexual feelings,
sexual urges, sexual expressions (verbal or non-verbal) and sexual
behaviours. Learning about sexuality begins from the time a child is born
and continues until the end of life.
Going through life is a wonderful journey full of excitement and
surprises. The early years of life, up to twenty years of age, are
characterized by physical growth, emotional changes and rich experience.
Sexuality affects all three, that is, growth, emotional change and experience.
 Entering adolescence—that most difficult period of growing up, the time
between childhood and adulthood—can be bewildering. Attitudes of parents
seem to change overnight; the behaviour of people can be very puzzling,
while unexplained and emotional disturbances are frequent and confusing.
At this age, at times you may not get along with your parents, but it is
important that you talk to them about the friends you are going out with.
And should you go out on a date, ensure that you do not go out on a couple
date to begin with, but in a group.
Keep to your deadlines and stay away from places with rowdy,
unmanageable crowds.
Never drink anything that’s not been opened in front of you, especially
drinks containing alcohol, and also never leave your glass unattended.
If there is somebody you like, bring him/her home together with a couple
of friends, so that your parents can get to know them. Your parents may
have wise opinions. Hear them out and discuss your views maturely.
If puppy love grows into maturity, be sure that you have full knowledge
regarding the consequences of a sexual relationship. Before you decide to
go further, it is always better to take advice from your parents or a confidant
and clarify any doubts that you may have.
Let your parents know where you are and with whom at all times.
Keeping to a deadline will help build trust.
All boys and girls, as they mature, will go through this phase and
experience its effects to a lesser or greater extent.
‘Can kissing my boyfriend lead to pregnancy?’ Alok*, a teenager of
sixteen, full of anxiety and guilt about self-stimulation (masturbation) and
night emissions, asks, ‘Please help me stop, otherwise I will commit
suicide.’
‘Have I got AIDS?’ asks Subodh*, a college senior with an itch around
the groin. ‘Will marriage lead to further problems and conflicts?’ Sajan*, a
young man disturbed by his realization that he is gay (male–male
relationship), cannot decide whether he should get married.
These are some of the common concerns amongst adolescents. During
adolescence, many changes—both physical and emotional—take place in
boys and girls. Almost any of the physical and mental changes that occur
can cause sexual concerns. Sexual urges can be so strong in the male
adolescent that he tends to seek sexual gratification at a purely physical
level. Sex at this point of time exists for pleasure alone and often is not
associated with emotions or love. In female adolescents, sexual drive is less
physical and more emotional in nature (perhaps because of childhood
conditioning), associating sex with romantic conditions.
Sexual problems in the young are similar all over the world but there are
some aspects that are particular to India. Nowhere else in the world is there
such a strong mother fixation by the son; arranged marriages; marriages
below the legal age (eighteen years for females and twenty-one years for
males); young people becoming parents before they are adults. Boys have
an intense interest in their genitals and a great concern about their
masturbatory practices, while adolescent girls have little knowledge about
menstruation and hygiene, and sometimes have more knowledge of
contraception than conception.

SOME OF THE MOST DIFFICULT DECISIONS IN LIFE

ARE ABOUT SEX

They can affect plans for school, career, lifestyles, relationships and
families.
When to have sex is a personal choice. Better decisions are made when
consequences and risks are thought through. A good sex life is one that
remains in balance with everything else in life—health, education, career,
goals and relationships.

THERE’S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEXUAL DESIRE

AND LOVE

Sexual desire is strong physical excitement. Love is a powerful feeling of

caring for someone else.
 Sex needs caring and sharing, it involves responsibility and an equal
partnership.
Sex partners need to share responsibility for birth control. They should
also protect each other from infections.

DIFFERENT KINDS OF SEXUAL ATTRACTION

Some men are attracted to women, some are not. They may be interested in
relationships with other men, or with both women and men. No one knows
for sure what makes men gay, bisexual or heterosexual. Sexual orientation
develops naturally—perhaps even before birth.
Our society doesn’t always help men and women understand the real
feelings about sex. It’s okay to ignore the pressure to be sexually active; the
individual should just be true to himself/ herself.
The 4 Ts are important for mutual happiness. TRUST in each other
cannot be less than 100 per cent; TIME to spend with each other is often
neglected; TOUCH, understanding, caring for each other’s sexual needs;
and most important, TALKING with each other to sort out problems and
clear misunderstandings can bring lifelong happiness.

COMMUNICATION IS IMPORTANT

Sex can mean different things to different people, but it is not a good
substitute for conversation. Kissing is a common form of intimacy in this
day and age. Sexual intercourse can get in the way of intimacy, especially if
the partners are not talking to each other. We need to talk to our partners to
be sure we are clear with each other.

QUESTIONS

Q. I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. Will it cause me any

harm? Can she get pregnant?
A. Kissing is a universal act by which we express our feelings. It may
indicate greeting, respect, affection or desire. Kissing can be
affectionate—as between mother and child, family members and
friends—or it can be erotic—as between lovers.
Sexual variations in kissing are many—light and soft, short and
intense, long and lingering. Essentially, the two lovers use it as an
important means of communication, expressing what they are
feeling moment by moment.
Some popular misconceptions about kissing:
Kissing leads to intercourse and pregnancy.
Women like kissing more than men.
Men do not like kissing; they prefer sexual intercourse.

Q. I am a seventeen-year-old college girl. Recently I have been

having dreams about various male friends which I am ashamed
to talk about. I also imagine all sorts of things which make me
sexually excited. Please help me with this problem.
A. Your feelings aren’t so uncommon. Many people have sexual
fantasies or dreams involving acts they would be ashamed of in real
life. The important thing is not to lose sight of the vital difference
between reality and fantasy. If you imagine something, it does not
mean that you will try the same thing in real life. You are still in
control. It also does not follow that you would enjoy the activity if
you did try it. What you can do is see these erotic impulses for what
they are—unwanted but quite normal by-products of your over-
intense feelings for some male friends who are offering you
affection, understanding, comfort and loving body contact.

Q. I smoke regularly and drink three or four bottles of beer in a

week. Will it affect my sex life?
A. Smoking may affect you more than drinking beer in moderate
quantities. There is no need to take alcohol to enjoy life and good
health. Some people find a little alcohol can have a very pleasurable
 effect on their sexual feelings and emotional well-being. Other
people find alcohol a powerful sexual turn-on and an aid to feeling
more relaxed in social or intimate situations. Again, it is a question
of balance or choice versus addiction. Are you drinking because
you enjoy it or because you need it?

Q. I am a twenty-eight-year-old man. Whenever I see a scantily

clad woman, I cannot control myself. I am a virgin. Whenever I
see or speak to a woman, I imagine her in the nude and feel like
having sex with her. This happens even when I am praying; I
masturbate regularly while having a bath. I am desperate to
have sex. Will it be safe to visit a sex worker? I think of sex
even when I get a phone call from a woman. Please help me get
out of this.
A. At twenty-eight you should have matured enough not to think of
women as sex objects. Why not change your attitude? Use your
willpower and think of them as friends, sisters and equal partners.
Women are sensitive and can understand whether a man has lust on
his mind or simply wants to be friends. Intercourse with a sex
worker or with a woman you do not trust is unsafe. You can
masturbate but learn to control masturbation. It will have an effect
on you being a good husband. If you feel you need help, then see a
psychiatrist.

Q. I am a twenty-two-year-old unmarried man. Opposite my

building, an attractive woman in her early thirties has rented
an apartment. She changes her clothes with the window open.
Initially, I thought she was being absent-minded, and I enjoyed
the view. However, a few days ago, she came to the window
naked, looked at me and smiled. This has been going on for a
few days. All this while, I masturbated and controlled myself,
but now I am unable to get over it as she is quite hot.
A. You must be having binoculars for eyes to see her smile from that
distance and guess her age. Do some detective work and bump into
her when she is off to work. However, be warned against unsafe sex
with an unknown partner. Also, beware of being conned or
blackmailed.
 5
RELATIONSHIPS

WHAT IS A RELATIONSHIP?

P RIMARILY IT MEANS A LIFETIME’S commitment to each other. A good,

healthy relationship depends on 4 Ts:

Trust: Each partner must be 100 per cent faithful to the other without
jealousy.

Time: For a relationship to flourish and for the partners to be close to each
other, productive time must be spent together. In this high-tech world, one
or both partners tend to spend most of their time at work, in front of the TV,
on computers, mobile phones or with elders in the family. Very little time is
left to cement a personal relationship with the partner.

Touch: Holding hands, caressing, making love must continue throughout

life, and both must work hard to avoid boredom.

Talk: Being frank with each other—sharing what went on during the day,
and what is preferred sexually and so on—is the most important of the 4 Ts.
Unfortunately, communication between partners has been found to be
dwindling, which has led to misunderstanding and even separation.
Marriage continues to be considered the pillar on which Indian society is
built. Though arranged marriages are still popular, with changing times
more and more love marriages are taking place. If the relationship is serious
and you are considering marriage, do not be in a hurry to decide. There are
many myths that you can find yourself faced with.

MARRIAGE MYTHS

Myth No. 1: People marry because they love each other. There are so
many factors other than that. Actually, what they think is love is really a
strong sex drive and the fear of being unloved. Ensure that you do not lose
your sense of judgement when making the decision.

Myth No. 2: Marriage is a cure for loneliness. Many marry thinking that
marriage automatically brings instant companionship, only to discover that
one can be married and still be very lonely. It can survive only if the couple
has tolerance, respect and a desire to be together.

Myth No. 3: Marriage will resolve an unhappy home. Some people

entertain thoughts like, ‘Things will get better once I get married.’ Marriage
is no escape from personal or family problems—avoiding or running away
from problems is no solution, but facing and working through them is.

Myth No. 4: Most husbands and wives believe that consideration for their
spouse is all it takes in a marriage. In spite of consideration, conflicts are
bound to arise; there must be constant compromise.

THE FIRST NIGHT

The wedding night is often not as sweet as the glass of milk traditionally
offered to the bridegroom. Ignorance and fear of the pressure to perform
often lead to failure in the male, resulting in a cycle of failures which often
culminates in erectile dysfunction. The bridegroom will be happier if he just
accepts the excitement and takes in his stride the fatigue of the ceremony,
the shaking of hands, combined with friends asking ‘Are you going to be a
man and do it tonight or be a mouse and do it tomorrow and postpone
lovemaking?’
 All he needs to know is there is always another day and even the great
sage Vatsayana of Kama Sutra fame advises waiting for five days to know
each other better. I doubt couples wait that long. Problems are less likely to
arise if both take premarital counselling.
Women also get into a marriage with a number of anxieties, for example,
about having small breasts or excessive hair on the body, about her skin
colour or being overweight. There is no need to lose one’s self-confidence
and worry about self-image.
The first night can be traumatic for the bride. She may enter the bridal
chamber with many fears and her friends may have heightened her anxiety
by telling her, ‘It’s just unbearable.’ Splitting of the hymen, when done by
an ignorant husband, can be painful and can result in her pushing him away
or the muscles surrounding the vagina contracting (vaginismus) which
prevents the entry of the penis. She imagines that splitting will cause a gush
of blood—quite untrue as only an amount equivalent to bleeding from a
pinprick occurs. The problem is easily overcome. She can apply a local
anaesthetic in and around the vaginal opening (it acts after fifteen minutes)
and the male, during foreplay, can insert his fingers deep into the vagina.
Or, she may have had a previous affair and is in fear that her husband
will question her missing hymen. Quite wrongly, it is believed that she must
bleed—a sign of the hymen splitting—and if she does not, it will reveal her
previous affair. The hymen can split through vigorous exercise like
swimming, cycling or even by masturbation.

WHY COUPLES FAIL ON THE FIRST NIGHT

Both are tired.

Both are ignorant and have little information about the sexual
experience.
Both are afraid and anxious to perform.
Performance anxiety fuelled by his friends pressurizing him to
complete the act.
The partner expresses intense fear which deters the husband.
 Man has found his way to Mars, yet many men have difficulty finding the
vaginal opening for the penis. Often the problem is ignorance, or mental
hang-ups, misconceptions and fear.
Ten years through their marriage, Devi* and Arun* had not consummated
their marriage. ‘Oh yes, we do love each other very much; we kiss, caress
and fondle each other’s private parts and reach orgasm, but he has never
been able to enter me and discharge inside. Now we want a baby.’ In this
case, Arun enjoyed masturbation. He would lie on the hard bathroom floor
and rub his penis vigorously to achieve pleasure. ‘I don’t get pleasure any
other way and so, even after marriage, I have been doing the same.’ The
outcome was a happy one when he accepted that at times, he could indulge
in the practice but at other times, he had a duty to his wife.
Some men play out their aspirations to a ridiculous level. Meena*
complained that she had married two years ago and, except for one single
occasion, her husband had not approached her, although they slept next to
each other and she had tried her best to arouse him. It was not that he did
not experience desire and was not capable because she had seen him
masturbate. It turned out that he had always wanted a partner with a very
fair complexion and ‘pure skin’.
On the first night of their honeymoon, both had undressed and, while he
was fondling her, he had found two black moles on her back. This gave him
a great shock and he now found himself unable to get an erection with her.
It finally led to a divorce.
So many men and women enter marriage with ignorance. Many believe
that things will happen naturally. One smart male, after his engagement,
decided to feel his fiancée’s parts to verify ‘where he should put it’.
Ignorant as he was, he felt her pubic bone above the vagina and
immediately told her she had a bone in place of the vagina.
Although she was a nurse, she started having doubts about herself and
came in for an examination. Of course she had a normal vagina and was
able to convince her fiancé. Some blissfully think they have entered the
vagina until their wife tells them otherwise; actually, they were having
intercourse between the thighs.
 Occasionally, everything is set but luck has it otherwise. After an
impressive wedding ceremony and reception, a couple headed to Singapore
for their honeymoon. Comfortable in their hotel room, he told her to change
while he went out to take a look at the shops. On returning, he found her
looking very desirable in her negligee. He unzipped his trousers in a hurry
but unfortunately, the skin of his penis got caught in the zip. After many
painful attempts to extricate himself, he called for a doctor who rushed him
to hospital. The rest of the honeymoon was spent with a bandage round his
penis!
Misconceptions can play havoc. There was a young man who did not
consummate his marriage because he firmly believed that vaginal hair
would entangle his penis and injure it severely!
There was another who believed that because menstruation occurs
through the vagina, it is a dirty place and so he dreaded going near it. What
he did not understand is that the vagina is lined by cells which maintain the
pH balance and keep it clean.
In fact, experiments indicate that there are more germs in the mouth
(transferred by kissing) than in the vagina. So it can be concluded that oral
sex is more hygienic than mouth-to-mouth kissing.
More often than not, it is the shyness and embarrassment of the couple
that cause the problem. No lights, please! So the penis has to find its way in
the dark. The partner being shy does not help. She could easily hold the
penis and direct it into the vagina. But the female has to be very careful to
show that she does not have more knowledge than the male.
In one case, the partner felt her mate fumbling and getting frustrated. So
she told him what to do. Instead of appreciating the help, he turned on her
and immediately accused her of having premarital experience. It finally led
to divorce.
In another case, a well-placed executive became very depressed because
his newly married wife had filed for divorce. What did he think was the
cause? ‘Well, doctor, my wife told me I was wrong to insist that the right
way to have sex was to put my penis in her back passage. I did not agree
with her, so she left me!’ It took two years to teach him the correct way to
have peno–vaginal sex. He has now remarried and has two children.
A common cause for unconsummated marriages is the wrong position
during intercourse.
Imagine the scene—the lights are out, the couple kiss and caress. The
man has an erection, the female a vaginal secretion. She lies on her back
with her legs stretched straight; he lies on top of her with his penis between
her legs, trying to find the vaginal opening. Often, instead of entering it, the
penis presses against the lower border of the vagina, producing pain in the
female, and discomfort and frustration in the male. He often discharges
prematurely, ending the episode very unhappily for both. The problem is
actually mechanical—in this position, the penis pushes vertically
downwards while the vagina’s direction is semi-horizontal.
To bring the penis in line with the vagina, the woman must flex her
thighs on to her abdomen and the male should support himself on his
elbows, thus allowing the partner to breathe and move freely. If he is
kneeling, he could support his partner’s legs on his shoulders and bend
towards her. Thus, entry is in a straight line and easy.
Some continue to fumble and, despite knowledge and instructions, just
cannot succeed; the male is then advised to let his woman take charge—
while he lies down, she mounts him and directs his penis into her vagina.
The lessons learnt are:
Get over your shyness (both of you) and see what you are doing—
all you need is a table lamp with a zero-watt bulb.
Use your finger to probe the location of the vaginal opening and its
direction.
See that both of you are aroused—you with an erection and your
partner lubricating freely in the vagina. Do not enter a dry vagina—
it is painful for her and you will also discharge prematurely.
See that you have a freely moving foreskin. If not, see your doctor.
You do not need an iron-rod-hard penis pointing skywards; any
penis even moderately stiff can be inserted. You may need the help
of your fingers to thrust it into the vagina.
 Finally, if you do not get an erection, go to sleep after stimulating
your partner with your fingers or by oral means to reach an orgasm
—the next day is always there for you.

At times, husbands complain that their wives do not play a more active
role while making love and they are thus highly dissatisfied.
Each couple will learn their own best way to make love but one of the
differences they may find is that although most men long impatiently for the
moment of consummation, for many women the lovemaking that precedes
intercourse, and the joy and peace of lying in her husband’s arms
afterwards, are equally precious.
Most women take longer than men to become aroused. They like to be
fondled and caressed, and told in words too, how much they are loved and
desired. A lack of response can be due to the absence of wooing on the
husband’s part. This, too, is a very subtle and sensitive matter between
husband and wife. Wooing which is done deliberately to arouse a woman
sexually often fails to do so, but when it is inspired by love, when a
husband caresses his wife because he enjoys doing it, she will be able to
respond to his desires.

GETTING IT RIGHT

Foreplay is the sensual part of sexual love. It involves touching, kissing and
licking each other in a stimulating manner, in order to become ‘turned on’
before having actual sex. Touching, caressing and fondling can be
enriching, satisfying acts of sensual communication. Some people seem to
regard them as appropriate only when intercourse or any other sexual act is
to follow, which only devalues the experience.
Some parts of the body are particularly sensitive to the touch, the genitals
being an example. But all parts of the body, if touched sensitively, can bring
pleasure. Touching, massage or caressing are not mandatory for a sexual act
but an erotic massage can be a satisfying act in itself whether or not it
results in orgasm. Couples who do enjoy it sometimes use oils and lotions
for a more pleasurable experience.
Kissing, caressing and hugging during foreplay can be the most
enjoyable experience for the two together. Often, the male almost instantly
gets an erection; he has a one-track mind and only wishes to enter the
vagina. In contrast, his partner takes a longer time to get lubricated and her
arousal is mainly because of her emotional feelings towards her partner.
The mistake the male makes is to start immediately. He sees an erection
and the female feels pain as her lubrication has barely started and she is dry.
He often ejaculates prematurely and terminates the intercourse, thus leaving
the partner dissatisfied.
On erection he has an intense desire to insert his penis into the vagina,
stroke and reach a climax (orgasm), then he ejaculates and rests for a couple
of hours. The rest period can extend from thirty minutes to hours. Very few
males can have another erection within the next half an hour. Unlike males,
females do not have a one-track mind. She is aroused not by the expectation
of intercourse but by the partner’s loving ways. When aroused, lubrication
occurs in the vagina and her genitals get fuller (engorged) with blood as she
is then ready for intercourse. Therefore, it is important that the male should
wait and indulge in foreplay. Most men are in a hurry and want to get
started, which may be much before the woman is ready, often because he is
afraid that during foreplay his erect penis may start waning and he will not
be able to complete the act. The male who has confidence knows that like
his limbs, his penis too can be aroused by the touch of the partner.
While foreplay can continue for as long as desired, the global average for
intercourse is two to seven minutes. Ideally, it should end in an orgasm for
both, though not necessarily together.
 Women want fidelity and support from men, not a large sex organ.
Lovemaking does not start with penetration—it starts hours earlier at
dinner or even breakfast, with kindness, consideration, attention and
intimate foreplay.

—Unknown

A sexual relationship goes through various stages (see diagram). At every

stage, the partners need to practise safe sex.
BOTH MUST THINK

Am I fully knowledgeable about the act and its future

consequences?
Am I having unsafe sex with a partner whom I cannot fully trust?
Should I say NO to unprotected sex even if the partner insists?
Are condoms handy?
To clear doubts, surf the Internet or visit a counsellor.

When a partnership does not work, the trouble may not be with the
partnership itself but with the expectations from each other.
The first two years of a sexual relationship or marriage can sometimes be
so unstable and turbulent as to lead to a separation or divorce. A marriage
survives when both have got together not only for sex but have considered
other aspects like finances, societal pressure, living in a joint family, and the
need for both partners to work to meet family expenses.

THE END OF AN AFFAIR

Many young men and women fall in love given the opportunity. If for any
reason love ends and the relationship breaks, it may feel like the end of the
world. If it is based on physical attraction rather than common interests and
attitudes, a romance can fade quite abruptly. Some advance signs that the
relationship is not as strong as before do appear. Here are some of them:

You start criticizing each other excessively, not in a constructive

way but in a nagging, mean way. Little things about your partner
start bothering you.
Your partner never keeps time and makes excuses.
You start feeling constricted because your partner demands to know
what you are doing every minute of your day. The demands irritate
and upset you.
 Whenever you are together, tension increases till there is more
fighting than harmony.
You get less attentive towards each other. You meet irregularly and
phone each other less often.
If one or both partners feel that the situation has reached the point of
no return, then to soften the traumatic situation for the other, one
should be as positive as possible. Recognize the positive
contribution the other person has made in your life. There is no
point in making false promises, but if you think you can genuinely
remain friends, say so.
Getting over it might need weeks or even months. You may feel
very sorry and grieve as if you have lost a dear one. Being rejected
in love is a miserable feeling, it is better to express your emotions
than to keep them bottled up.
Always reject gently if you are approached for a date or a closer
friendship. Try and reject without embarrassing the other person.
Where finance is involved in a relationship, it is best that each
spends for himself/herself. Of course, on occasion, there is no harm
if one partner accepts being paid for.
Don’t force decisions, always make sure that the partner has a real
choice.
Never compare someone who is currently special in your life with a
previous partner or lover.
Do not get too close too soon, for example, offering to answer the
phone. This can feel very embarrassing and intrusive.
Do not poach somebody else’s partner.

QUESTIONS

Q. My parents have selected some girls for me for marriage. Can

you help me in making the right choice?
A. Whether male or female, do not say yes until you are clear in your
own mind as to what attributes you would like your partner to have.
 Think carefully about your sexual preference. Here are some of the
general guidelines:
• Age difference : Older/Younger.
• Appearance : Not good-looking/Average looks/Very good-
looking.
• Height : Taller/Same/Shorter.
• Spectacles : Yes/No.
• Education : Undergraduate/Graduate/Postgraduate.
• Financial status : Lower middle class/Middle class/Very rich.
• Family : Normal/High background.
background
• Social status : Reserved/Friendly/Famous.
• Type of family : Joint/Nuclear/Extended.
• Nature : Short-tempered/Normal/Good-natured.
• Hobby : No match/50–50/Same hobby.
• Place of : No choice/Special choice/ Abroad.
residence
• Health : Unhealthy/Healthy.
• Creative : Talented/Creative/Simple.

Q. I was in a relationship with a woman for the last two years. We

had intercourse once, during which she lost her virginity.
Unfortunately, we cannot marry as I do not belong to the same
caste. Is there any way she can get her vagina back to normal
without an operation?
A. The vagina retains its normal shape. It is the hymen which has been
split. You may have to trace a gynaecologist who may agree to
repair it, only to be broken again in the future.
Q. What is the meaning of safe sex and protected sex?
A. Sexual activity which completely removes the risk of infection,
unwanted pregnancy, and emotional, physical and social abuse, is
termed safe sex. Protected sex means taking preventive measures to
avoid the above. Postponing sexual intercourse till marriage is the
safest measure but if that is not possible, continue pleasuring
without sexual intercourse with a single, (mutually) faithful,
monogamous, uninfected partner. Should you have sexual
intercourse, never do so without a condom. It is the right of a
woman to say a firm NO and the duty of a man to always ensure
protection.

Q. Must bleeding occur at the first intercourse? If it does not, is

she not a virgin?
A. During the female’s first intercourse, a small amount of bleeding (as
after a pinprick) and pain (bearable) may occur. This is because the
hymen, a fold of tissue located at the outer opening of the vagina is
perforated during intercourse. It is very unfortunate that the
perforation of the hymen is regarded as an important sign of being a
virgin. This is not true. Occasionally, it is absent altogether;
sometimes it is ruptured in childhood or during vigorous exercise
such as bicycling or horse riding, or by masturbating. Attitudes and
customs place great importance on this event. Young people should
get their facts right and not pay attention to whether bleeding occurs
or not at first intercourse. In fact, caring and thoughtful husbands
may wish to decrease the discomfort for their wives and look
forward to a life of happiness together.

Q. We have been happily married for several years; my husband

who is fifty-two years old seems to be losing interest in sex.
What could be the cause?
A. Your husband’s lack of interest in sex could be due to several
factors. Generally after the age of fifty, there is a marked decline in
 a man’s sexual capacity and performance. This varies from
individual to individual and from time to time in the same person. It
can be influenced by physical illness or infirmity or by the general
physiological or ageing processes of the body. The following
factors could also be responsible for a man’s declining interest in
sex:
Physical and mental infirmities in one or both partners
Preoccupation with his career
Mental and physical fatigue
Over-indulgence in food or drink
Inadequacy and fear of failure

It is important that you should help him in maintaining effective

and consistent interest in the sexual side of marriage. Let me assure
you that regular sexual expression combined with good physical
health and the right attitude on the part of both husband and wife to
the process of growing old can go a long way in keeping sex alive
well into the twilight years.

Q. I have just returned from my honeymoon, and am experiencing

irritation and increased frequency of urine. My doctor has
diagnosed it as ‘honeymoon cystitis’. Please explain.
A. Frequent intercourse during the honeymoon may have caused
irritation, pain, inflammation and an infection of the bladder.
Medically, it is termed as cystitis. It may disappear on its own or
require antibiotic treatment. Drinking plenty of water and citrus
drinks, and abstinence from intercourse will help.

Q. Am I old-fashioned because I think differently from my friends

who feel it is all right to have sexual intercourse before
marriage?
A. Generally, every person has a right to his or her own opinions in
personal matters. Believing in sexual intercourse after marriage
 does not make you old-fashioned at all. In fact, in the context of
Indian morality (which does not approve of the ‘free sex’ attitude of
the West) you are perfectly right. Every girl indulging in free sex
runs the risk of having an unwanted baby and becoming an unwed
mother. In this country such avoidable situations are increasing
year-on-year. Premarital sex, being fugitive and snatched in dark
corners, causes tension because both partners fear being found out.
Also, both the boy and the girl can develop a sexually transmitted
disease and AIDS which can have serious effects on their lives and
marriage. Finally, except in rare instances, sex outside marriage
often means loss of love, warmth, kindness and understanding that
are so essential in sustaining a meaningful relationship between the
two people involved.

Q. What first aid will we require after having sex for the first
time? My fiancée and I have had oral sex many times. How safe
is that?
A. You need not join the Red Cross; just visit a sexpert for some pre-
marriage counselling. Oral sex is safe and healthy, and she will not
conceive through it.

Q. I am a twenty-two-year-old man. When I was nineteen, I

suffered from jock itch which was subsequently cured.
However, since then, the area around my penis and inner thighs
has turned dark. Now my girlfriend and I want to have sex for
the first time, but I am embarrassed to get naked in front of
her. I have a fair complexion, but my groin region looks ugly.
What should I do?
A. You need to make sure that your girlfriend is not looking at your
crotch, but is tenderly gazing into your eyes and is excited about
your touch and sweet talk.
Q. After having sex four times a day, I feel weak the next day. For
about five minutes, my vision goes blank and I can’t see
anything properly. Please help.
A. What do you expect? Shouts of ‘hurray’ and ‘I am a champion’ all
over town?

Q. I am nineteen years old and my husband is thirty-two. We have

sex every morning. When he was out of town for a few days, I
masturbated with a banana. One day the cook saw this; I was
too excited to control myself, so I had sex with him. His penis
was much larger than my husband’s, so I enjoyed it. During the
process, we got wild and I bit his penis hard. Is there a
possibility of it breaking? If yes, is there a home remedy for it?
Since his penis was larger, is it possible that my vagina has
expanded?
A. Your vagina will not expand. You really cooked the cook’s goose.
Fortunately, there is no bone in the penis for it to fracture.
 6
SEXUAL CONCERNS AND DYSFUNCTIONS

SEXUAL CONCERNS

S EXUAL CONCERNS WHICH MAY BOTHER the affected individual are common
and can usually be resolved through education, counselling and simple
behavioural change. A lot of people have concerns about their sex drive
which can be satisfied by various means. Unfortunately, few people know
when to stop and convert a simple pleasure into an unwanted habit. Some
common concerns:

Masturbation

Wet dreams: Ashish* had woken up with pleasant memories of his twelfth
birthday. During the night he had thought of making love to his special
girlfriend. Next morning, he was surprised to find an erection of his penis
and a sticky discharge on his bedsheet. He had heard stories from his
friends of how he would lose his strength and vitality. He turned to his
doctor who told him that ‘this was normal’.
He explained that his testicles had started to produce sperms at a rate
which would later go up to 17,000 sperms a minute. Naturally, there was no
place for the older sperms and so he had to ejaculate.
A few days later, Ashish found great pleasure in stroking his penis and
ejaculating his fluid. This self-stimulation is better known as
‘masturbation’.
Masturbation is a common practice around the world. It is estimated that
95 per cent of men and many women indulge in it. Males generally begin
around twelve to fifteen years of age.
A common method used by men is to stroke the penis with the palm of
the hand till it culminates in an ejaculation. To reduce friction and increase
sensation, men sometimes apply a massage oil or saliva to the penis. Some
men rub their penis on a pillow or a hard surface, some use bizarre methods
to pleasure themselves. One such case was of a man who inserted his penis
into a bottle, but after intercourse, could not withdraw his swollen penis. He
had to be taken to a hospital to break the bottle.
Women also masturbate but with a much lower frequency than males.
The clitoris when stroked or compressed between the thighs, can produce
satisfaction or an ‘orgasm’.
Masturbation, if done to satisfy a sexual desire, is ‘normal’. It may be
done as frequently as required, but unfortunately, many make it a habit, for
instance, masturbation is used as a sleeping pill or to relieve stress and
anxiety.
While masturbation will not harm the body in any way now or in future,
it will also not hinder marital relations or the ability to become a father or
adversely affect any other function of the body. But if it is misused, for
example, if one is addicted to pornography, it may lead to a loss of desire,
conflict with the partner, or weaker erections.
Masturbation is a safer way, in that one can avoid an infection or
unwanted pregnancy and, for the senior citizen, it helps in maintaining a
normal, healthy life.

Orgasm

Amit and his wife enjoyed their sex life but got worried when his friends
told him that the orgasm they experienced was not as good as theirs. No one
has yet succeeded in describing the sensation of orgasm properly. The
pleasure is so intense that it seems there are no words subtle or strong
enough to describe it. During orgasm, the whole body is involved; the
pulse, blood pressure and breathing rates are at their peak and many
muscles are tensed. Male or female sexual climax in most instances is a
total body response lasting a few seconds. Orgasm can be reached by
masturbation or sexual intercourse. In the female there are other different
ways, for example, oral sex or direct clitoral stimulation.
Women have an advantage over men. Once they reach orgasm they can
complete it and proceed to a second or multiple orgasms, whereas after the
male ejaculates he needs to rest, in most cases for half an hour or more
before he can function.
An interesting observation has been that women can fake an orgasm so as
not to embarrass their husbands who keep asking them, ‘Are you happy?’

Overweight

Fear of rejection, of not meeting the partner’s expectations, and of not being
able to perform are among the most common emotional barriers to
intercourse. Overweight men and women often suffer ridicule and the social
pressures they face create numerous obstacles to sexual interaction. They
can rest assured that sexually, they will function as normally as anybody
else provided they lose weight.

Effects of Alcohol and Drugs on Sex

While alcohol taken in moderate quantities does relax the mind, an excess
of it affects sexual performance. Men who take drugs are more likely to
have performance issues in the bedroom—even years after they stop taking
them and, globally, latest research confirms this. Nicotine in cigarettes
compresses the small arteries in the heart and also in the penis. Erections
may be fewer and last for shorter periods; it may make it harder to have an
orgasm in both men and women.

Aphrodisiacs

Some foods, herbs, ointments, powders, perfumes, potions, lotions and

drugs have, without any proof, been thought to enhance sexual desire and
thereby improve sexual performance and even to cure infertility. They
probably work because of the strong suggestions made by the packaging
and advertising of these products, for example, silver-coated pills or pearl-
dust additives to improve sexual desire. Now, in the twenty-first century, the
search is still on, but a true aphrodisiac is yet to be discovered. While most
aphrodisiacs are ineffectual but harmless, one should exercise caution and
study their ingredients as some can be harmful.
Alcohol and drugs in moderate doses may temporarily reduce anxiety
about sex, lower inhibitions and enhance sexual desire but excessive use of
drugs is usually accompanied by diminished sexual interest and
performance. It is said that the best aphrodisiac is a partner who is exciting
and active.
Asking oneself whether one’s sexual concern is rational or irrational and
using common sense can solve problems without visiting a sexpert.

The Differently Abled and Sex

The differently abled (the less abled) child develops and has sexual needs
and desires just like any other child. It is important to understand the pace
of his/her growth. The difference in such a child is that development is
slower and he/she may not be able to speak or reason. Their training
requires a lot of patience. Special institutions are available in the country
and should be consulted.
A differently abled person is entitled to a good sex life too. What they
need to be guided on is how to behave acceptably because they may not
always be able to communicate or express their feelings or change their
behaviour quickly.

QUESTIONS

Q. I joined college a year ago and have started smoking. On

occasion, when in company, I drink beer, gin, vodka. Can
smoking or drinking cause disease?
A. Not if done in moderation. However, later in life, excessive
smoking can cause bronchitis, arteriosclerosis, coronary thrombosis
and even lung cancer, while excessive drinking may cause cirrhosis
of the liver. Incidentally, drinking raw alcohol or country-distilled
liquor can cause serious eye problems, even blindness, paralysis
and death. Both smoking and drinking are expensive habits. Are
you sure you do not smoke and drink just to show off? Or are you
afraid of being laughed at if you don’t follow your friends?
Remember, your friends are your worst enemies when they offer
and insist on your taking a cigarette. Once you make up your mind,
it’s easy to resist temptation. If you must drink, always do so only
in company and restrict the number of pegs you take.

Q. I am a twenty-one-year-old man. Last week, I was oscillating

my penis while masturbating. I turned it upside down and sat
on it. I heard a snap, but experienced no pain. Have I fractured
my penis?
A. Why would you want to do bhangra with your penis? Pray that you
have not injured it. Do not sit on it again.
SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION

When all is not well with your sexual response, it can be termed as a
‘sexual dysfunction’. Research to date indicates that a sexual problem may
not be purely due to mental or emotional reasons. Physical problems can
also be commonly attached to the cause. The good news is that whatever
may be the reason, therapy can be successfully implemented. A simple
example is of a businessman who may, after a hectic tour, attempt sex
because he thinks that if he does not, his wife will suspect that he has had
an affair. His tiredness makes him fail and so starts a dysfunction.
Common sexual dysfunctions in the male are premature ejaculation and
erectile dysfunction.
Even a tight foreskin of the penis can cause a dysfunction which can be
avoided if basic hygiene is maintained.
A common problem in the female is vaginismus.

Premature Ejaculation (PE)

Premature ejaculation is as common as common cold. PE is not a disease or

an illness; it has been believed that it is an acquired habit, that is, a man
learns to ejaculate prematurely from his early days of masturbation. Recent
research indicates that there is an area in the brain that is responsible for
this. A man who ejaculates before his penis enters the vagina has PE, but
whether it can be called PE if he has an ejaculation within two, three or
seven minutes of entering the vagina is still being debated. PE is seen in
young men from their first attempt at intercourse, but they improve if they
can stop themselves from getting anxious.
On a visit to a sexologist, a person usually talks about how ashamed and
depressed he is, and how he is always in a hurry to complete although his
partner is not yet fully aroused. In case he discharges before entering the
vagina or even after, he may go to the extent of stopping lovemaking
altogether because he suffers from the anxiety that he will fail. The
treatment in this situation is to identify the cause and attempt to correct it;
he needs to start Kegel exercises which contract the muscles around the
penis and in the anal region to identify the point where he feels he is about
to ejaculate and then, through exercises like ‘stop and start’, learn to control
it.
He needs to learn how he can satisfy his partner through skilful foreplay
so that she can reach an orgasm after which he allows her to rest for twelve
minutes and then start intercourse. PE, to be relieved, requires patience. To
help him, herbal tablets are available.
Erectile Dysfunction (ED)

Erectile dysfunction, earlier known as impotence, is the term for the

inability of a man to have an erection or to maintain adequate arousal to
perform sexual intercourse. The causes may be physical, psychological or
both, and overcoming it requires help from a consultant. Many men
experience instances of erectile failure at some time or another. Fatigue,
anxiety, poor health, medication or alcohol may all be responsible and can
be corrected.
When a man suffers from ED, the extra blood that should flow into his
penis and engorge, does not. Even though the man is excited and
stimulated, some illnesses (like uncontrolled diabetes), use of drugs (such
as alcohol, heroin) and/or insufficient levels of the male hormone may
cause ED. Some psychological causes are often seen, such as anger towards
a partner, boredom of the act and anxiety about not performing. The good
news is that nobody should suffer from ED. There are various treatments
available, such as counselling, herbal, allopathic or homeopathic
medication, or a vacuum pump that helps to bring the penis to an erection
which is then maintained by a tight ring around its base. There is also a
special injection for the penis to bring about an erection that lasts for over
an hour; a man can be taught to inject himself with it when required.
Finally, if these methods do not work, erection can be achieved by the
insertion of a silastic rod which can be bent to keep the penis at rest.
However, it is best to consult a physician to determine the correct approach
for treatment.

Peyronie’s Disease

Many erect penises are slightly curved and do not disturb sexual function. A
few men have a pronounced curve, usually at an angle of 30 degrees from
the midline which makes erection painful and sex difficult to enjoy. This is
called Peyronie’s disease and is caused by the development of hard, fibrous,
inflamed tissues in the shaft of the penis. In some cases it may clear up on
its own, but often it requires medical attention.

Circumcision

Circumcision is a simple surgical operation in which, for cultural and

religious reasons, the foreskin is removed. Medically, an operation is also
done if the foreskin is so tight that it doesn’t easily slip over the glans of the
penis. The procedure is simple and quick. The person can walk off the
operation table, rest at home for a couple of days and get back to work.
A tight foreskin gives intense pain on attempting to slip it back while
passing urine or during sexual intercourse. At times, should the foreskin slip
back and expose the glans, the multiple pleasure nerves that are within the
glans are stimulated and the pleasure felt is so intense that it reflects as pain.
It decreases on its own with time.
It is important to clean the smegma or the wax-like substance below the
foreskin every day. It is also necessary to slip it back when wearing a
condom.
If one wants to avoid circumcision, then from an early age—definitely at
adolescence—the foreskin should be gently slipped back over the glans
daily.

Vaginismus

Vaginal spasm (vaginismus) is an involuntary spasm of the muscles

surrounding the vagina and its opening. Such a spasm usually occurs
whenever penile penetration is attempted. Because of the spasm,
penetration is usually impossible and further attempts are likely to be very
painful. Most women suffering from vaginismus may experience an orgasm
through clitoral stimulation or other foreplay. Women with vaginismus are
distressed by their inability to engage in sexual intercourse.
Most commonly, psychological causes lie behind this condition. Many
women with vaginal spasm have had a strict upbringing in which sex was
considered dirty or taboo. Some have had traumatic early experiences with
sex—rape, childhood molestation, incest or a painful first intercourse. In a
few cases, a doctor who is insensitive and rough during examination can be
the cause.
With vaginismus, the husband may also be affected; he may develop
premature ejaculation or problems with erection, further complicating the
couple’s sexual problem. Vaginismus is usually curable. More sex therapists
and physicians explain to the couple that the spasm is not in the woman’s
voluntary control. This explanation may lift a great burden of guilt from the
woman. The physician may demonstrate this by attempting to insert a finger
into the woman’s vagina, which closes in an involuntary spasm. The woman
can be taught to reverse this reflex by voluntarily tightening her vaginal
muscles as hard as she can, and then letting go. This results in the spasm
reducing somewhat. For home practice, the woman is given plastic vaginal
dilators with instructions on how to use them. Her partner is encouraged to
participate in inserting the dilators for her. When the woman can
comfortably insert a dilator about the size of the penis, intercourse can be
attempted.
It is advisable that women visit a sexpert who has experience in treating
unconsummated sex, or a gynaecologist at regular intervals and on any
occasion, should any abnormal symptom arise.

Vaginal Sounds

Vaginal sounds occur during intercourse among many women and are
frequently a source of great embarrassment. A change of position may help.
These sounds are perfectly normal; there is no reason for a couple to try and
avoid them by abandoning positions they enjoy. Rather, the couple should
try to accept such sounds as an aspect of lovemaking.

Oral-Genital Sex
Oral sex means both ‘cunnilingus’ which is mouth-contact with the vagina
and ‘fellatio’ which is mouth-contact with the penis.
Two people can give oral sex to each other simultaneously, a technique
commonly called ‘69’. Both cunnilingus and fellatio comprise common
sexual behaviour.
Not everyone has oral sex, some people simply don’t feel comfortable
about it. It is as normal and proper not to have it as it is to have and enjoy it.
In India, its frequency has not been determined, but practice indicates
that it is prevalent.
During foreplay, if the male performs cunnilingus on his partner, it may
help her reach orgasm. Fellatio by the female may also help to arouse the
feelings of the male and he may get a better erection before he starts
intercourse. Homosexuals frequently use oral sex for sexual satisfaction.

Anal Intercourse

Anal intercourse refers to the penis inserted into the partner’s rectum. It is
commonly thought of as a homosexual act but many heterosexual couples
also perform it. Should a couple wish to engage in anal sex, the male should
wear a condom to avoid infection from the multiple germs in the intestine;
if not done gently, it may cause injuries in the anal region. Unless the
couple mutually agree to anal sex, it is better to avoid it.

Abstinence

It means refraining from sexual contact voluntarily. People often abstain

from sex during periods of stress or illness. Some may find themselves so
preoccupied with work or creative activity that they don’t think about sex
for months at a time. Others find that in the absence of a particular sex
partner, they are not interested in sex at all. Still others abstain from sex for
a time, following a series of unpleasant sexual relationships.
Sex therapists find that lack of sexual desire has become one of the most
prevalent complaints in recent years. Often, physiological factors—illness,
medication, depression—account for diminished desire.
Abstinence is not harmful. Lack of sex causes no organic illness or
medical condition nor does abstinence cause psychological disturbances.

QUESTIONS

Q. I am thirty-four years old and my marriage is being arranged

with a man who, I have been informed, is sexually
dysfunctional. What does this mean? How would I know
whether this is true?
A. Sexual dysfunction describes a situation where a man cannot
perform the sexual act because he fails to get an erection. Absolute
impotence is not very common, but at one time or another every
man suffers from it because he is tired, worried about his business
affairs, or is ill. If, on top of all this, he is treated with ridicule,
teased or compared with other men, he loses confidence in himself.
Premature ejaculation where the man discharges his semen almost
at the start of sexual intercourse, leaving the woman unsatisfied,
may also be considered as a form of sexual dysfunction. This can be
a temporary phenomenon, for example, in newly-weds. Unless the
person has a severe psychological problem, he can be treated. What
is required at a time like this is a sympathetic doctor. Since you like
the person you are going to marry, perhaps it could be possible for
you to discuss your future marital relations more fully. In fact, it is
always wise to see your gynaecologist or a sexologist before
marriage and clarify your doubts; he/she might be able to help by
getting the picture from both sides without causing any
embarrassment.
 CAN SEXUAL PROBLEMS BE PREVENTED?
While sexual problems cannot be prevented, dealing with the
underlying causes of the dysfunction can help you better understand
and cope with it when it occurs. There are some things you can do to
help maintain good sexual function:
Follow your doctor’s treatment plan for any medical/health
conditions.
Limit your alcohol intake.
Quit smoking.
Deal with any emotional or psychological issues such as stress,
depression and anxiety. Get treatment as needed.
Increase communication with your partner.
 7
CONTRACEPTION AND CONCEPTION

‘M OST ACCIDENTS ARE CAUSED BY humans and most humans are born by
accident.’ How true! Despite birth control measures being available, there is
a large number of people, especially unmarried ones, who indulge in
unprotected sex.
Contraception is the deliberate use of artificial methods or other
techniques, like insertion of Copper-T and permanent sterilization, to
prevent pregnancy as a consequence of sexual intercourse. Selection of a
suitable contraceptive is ideally done by a visit to a family planning centre
or a gynaecologist. The condom should be the first choice in most
instances.

THE MORNING-AFTER PILL (EMERGENCY

CONTRACEPTIVE PILL)

Modern technology is somewhat to blame. An emergency contraceptive pill

taken within seventy-two hours has a good chance of preventing a
pregnancy. An unmarried couple takes the risk of an infection and the
failure of the pill to act. The pill contains a high dose of the female
hormone and is not advised as a family planning measure.

THE PILL

A low-dose hormonal pill is considered more effective and safe for family
planning. This contains a combination of two hormones in low doses which,
if taken regularly, will prevent a pregnancy.
 However, the pill does not protect a person against a sexually transmitted
infection, especially the dreaded HIV/AIDS infection.

INJECTABLE CONTRACEPTIVE

The injectable contraceptive is of two types, one acting for three months
and the other for a single month. The hormone is released slowly into the
blood stream.

CONDOMS

For single partners and couples who do not want a child in the near future,
the condom is the most practical and safe method.
Unfortunately, condom usage is low despite massive campaigns by the
government and by manufacturers. But it need not be so as a range of
condoms is available to suit everyone. There are condoms of different
colours, long-acting condoms for those who ejaculate early, fine condoms
that give the impression of not having anything on at all. Flavoured
condoms are popular for oral sex.
Female condoms are available for safe oral sex with unsafe partners.
They are not very popular yet.

COITUS INTERRUPTUS

Withdrawal just before ejaculation (coitus interruptus) continues to be the

commonest family planning method in the world. While the male may
enjoy the act, the female is frustrated as she often remains unfulfilled. To
avoid this, the man should ensure during foreplay that his partner has an
orgasm and then have intercourse.
Occasionally, there are chances of pregnancy if the man is not able to
withdraw in time.

LACTATIONAL AMENORRHOEA METHOD (LAM)

LAM refers to using breastfeeding as a temporary family planning method.
This method provides natural protection against pregnancy to a nursing
mother. However, it is effective only if her periods have not returned and
almost 85 per cent of the baby’s feed is breast milk. This method can be
effective for up to six months and is a fairly common practice in Indian
villages.

MEDICAL TERMINATION OF PREGNANCY (MTP)

If despite all measures, the menstrual period is delayed by a week or so, a

pregnancy should be suspected. A pregnancy kit can be obtained at a
chemist’s, which can indicate if pregnancy has occurred. Then a careful
decision must be made on whether the pregnancy is to be continued
(especially for married couples). If not, visit a gynaecologist (as soon as
possible, certainly within ninety days from the last period) who can
prescribe tablets to medically terminate the pregnancy.
The Medical Termination of Pregnancy Act allows that a pregnancy can
be terminated up to twenty weeks if there are legal reasons given, such as
conception in spite of using a condom. However, the procedures are safer in
the first twelve weeks and the longer one waits, the riskier it gets to
terminate the pregnancy. Is it bravado, carelessness or ignorance that every
year lakhs of legal abortions are carried out? What is worse is that an equal
number or more are carried out illegally, often with severe and unfortunate
consequences.
If conception does not occur after regular sex without contraception for
over a year, then measures to check for infertility should be taken.

INFERTILITY

Infertility is the inability to conceive a child. For this, women are often
blamed. This is not correct and half the time the problem lies with the man.
A potent man may not be able to produce the healthy sperms that make a
baby. Women, too, can have physical disorders which prevent the process of
conception from being completed.
In 10 per cent of the cases, the trouble may be purely emotional. Being
too anxious and eager for parenthood may cause unnecessary tension and
even prevent pregnancy. Infertility can be efficiently treated.
It is worth noting here that it is the male who is responsible for the sex of
the child.

QUESTIONS

Q. I married secretly in court eighteen months back but we have

not been living together as he is still studying and unemployed.
I have become pregnant. Please advise what is to be done and
how to face the situation?
A. An unwanted pregnancy can create disturbances in the family
relationship. In such a situation, it is truly surprising what people
do. Instead of going straight to the nearest family planning clinic or
a doctor, they consult ignorant acquaintances, respond to sly
advertisements, take drugs that poison the system but are
unsuccessful in terminating the pregnancy, pay large sums of
money to professional abortionists and even physically harm
themselves to the extent of causing death or permanent disability.
Medical Termination of Pregnancy (MTP) is a safe, sure and
confidential procedure and is perfectly legal up to twenty weeks of
pregnancy. The earlier one goes to the doctor after missing one’s
period, the easier it is to decide on the procedure. Within ninety
days from the last period, a medical termination with tablets is
possible. If it is later than ninety days, a surgical termination is
required. There is no need for hospitalization—only a few hours’
stay at the centre is enough in most cases. For a couple, it is
important to carefully consider the decision for an abortion from the
perspective of the husband–wife relationship, keeping in mind
economic, religious and social concerns. After carefully weighing
 all the factors, you might consider whether MTP together with
suitable contraception could be the solution to your problem.

Q. I am thirty-two years old. Recently my wife delivered a baby. It

was a caesarean delivery. How long should we wait before we
can have intercourse again?
A. It’s surprising that you did not ask your gynaecologist. A woman
can usually restart after her body has healed, which takes
approximately four to six weeks after surgery. Even in a normal
delivery, you should wait until her body returns to normal. In the
meanwhile, nothing stops both of you from satisfying each other
without intercourse.

Q. Suppose two men ejaculate in a woman’s vagina at the same

time and she becomes pregnant. Which of the two could turn
out to be the father of the child?
A. I suggest you write to the editor and enquire if there is a vacancy in
the puzzle department of the newspaper.

Q. Hello I want to ask some questions to your sexpert.

1. What is a female condom?
2. How to recognize a G-spot in females?
3. Do men have a G-spot?
A. Some female condoms are made of the same material as the male
condom. It has two rings, one at either end. One fits over the mouth
of the uterus or the cervix and the other covers the vulva or the lips
of the entrance to the vagina. In this way it acts against sperms of
the male, preventing a pregnancy. Full instructions on how to insert
it are on the pack.
The role of the G-spot as a second pleasure point like the clitoris
is still a controversial subject. It is behind the urinary opening and
can be located by passing a finger over the superior position of the
vagina. Men do not have a G-spot.
Q. During our sexual intercourse, I want to use a condom but my
girlfriend says she can force out the semen and thus prevent
pregnancy. For the past few years she has been doing so after
intercourse. Can a girl force out the semen after intercourse?
A. When a drop of semen contains lakhs of sperms, it is very difficult
to avoid pregnancy if no protection is taken. A drop of semen can
be passed on during prolonged excitement even before the seminal
discharge. Please request your partner to study contraceptives
carefully to find out which is most suitable for her. In the
meanwhile, you must insist on contraception. Use a condom.

Q. I am a twenty-six-year-old. I have a query. Can women get

pregnant if sperm, preserved in a plastic bottle, is poured into
their vagina? Please do reply. It is important.
A. Important? What’s the reason? No pregnancy will occur with such a
method.

Q. I wiped my girlfriend’s vagina with the same cloth I used to

wipe myself. Could she get pregnant?
A. It’s not likely that she will get pregnant. However, I suggest you
buy some hand towels.

Q. Two days ago, I had unprotected sex with my girlfriend. To

prevent pregnancy, we bought an i-pill (emergency
contraceptive pill). But in the heat of the moment, I popped it
instead of her. Can it cause any complications for me?
A. Next time around, please use a condom and make sure that you
don’t swallow that too. In any case, you could have rushed to the
chemist and got another one as it is effective within seventy-two
hours of the act. The i-pill is meant only for emergency situations
and must not be used as a routine family planning measure.
 8
SEX AT FORTY AND BEYOND

WOMEN

S TATISTICS SHOW THAT A WOMAN’S lifespan is seven years longer than that
of a man. With new-age tricks, trends and treats you can look as young as
you feel, with your libido well in place. You know, or should know what
you want, be it about orgasms, the G-spot or being responsible for your own
pleasure.
Even though vaginal lubrication may decrease, you develop an influx
system of veins in the genital area around the age of forty, the better to
heighten orgasmic response.
Think of menopause (average age fifty-two) as the beginning of a new
phase—freedom from menstruation, pregnancy and childbearing. The nasty
initial symptoms—sweating, hot flushes, dizziness, headaches, mood
swings—can be shortlisted and are treatable. As for vaginal dryness, a
lubrication tube is a woman’s best friend.
Some women, and may their tribe decrease, kiss sex goodbye because of
inhibitions, poor body image, ill health and misconceptions.
Regular sex is what keeps your hormonal balance ticking and increases
your erotic appetite. ‘I think that people are conned into believing that
sexual desire decreases with age. My best sex experiences have come now,’
reveals Vinita*, aged fifty-eight.
 If women remain sexually active, the changes accompanying
menopause are less marked.

MEN

Between forty-five and fifty-five, a man’s gonads become less productive;

testosterone drops slowly, testicles shrink, erections are not as strong or
subside suddenly or take longer to occur. This waning libido and slowing of
response is called andropause. And together with worries about career and
finances, excess weight, diabetes, boredom with your partner, that can be a
noxious brew. Heavy drinking and smoking target the nervous system and
dampen the libido. After forty, every man in the world undergoes some
changes. The erections are never as firm as they were two years ago; the
penis requires manual handling, preferably by the partner and takes longer
to get erect. Embarrassingly, during foreplay or intercourse, the penis may
subside suddenly, the spurting action of ejaculation decreases and, with
time, semen may just trickle out. At times there may be no ejaculation (no
need for anxiety as sex power continues), the quantity and colour of the
semen may change and sexual desire may decrease.
Fear of performance creates a vicious cycle—even a single failure seems
bad enough to make you want to withdraw from sex altogether. This may
distress your partner and leave her wondering about her own attractiveness
and whether you have found someone else. Sometimes, the cause of male
dysfunction can also be the female as she loses interest in sex.
The good news is, there is help to ensure that no man suffers from
erectile dysfunction. Ask a sexologist about allopathic and other alternative
medicines and vacuum devices. One of the factors in a midlife crisis is that
both partners may be having routine sex with the same person year after
year. Some begin to view their mate as a friend, and a sexless person. The
partnership then becomes friendly not passionate.
Remember that slower responses can mean longer foreplay and
prolonged stimulation can enhance intimacy.

Menopause is the time when couples may drift apart. Sleep together
on a double bed. Proximity permits an erection to be shared,
welcomed and enjoyed.
Bring back the fun. Reignite the days of your courtship. Call one
another by pet names. Play silly games. Catch a comedy show.
Flagging libidos can be rekindled with intimacy, communication and
commitment. Talk about the problem. Use sex aids, shared fantasies,
books and CDs. Experiment with places and positions. Make dates
for sex. Create hot moments. Take a second honeymoon.
Don’t be anxious about erectile difficulties. Have sex only when you
are relaxed and in the right mood, never when you have been
drinking heavily.
Ask your partner to stimulate you in ways you like best. Try making
love in the morning, when you are most alert.
Your saliva or a herbal jelly can improve female lubrication.
Concentrate on giving and receiving sexual pleasure.
Sexual intimacy must continue in physical disability. Try mutual
masturbation, oral sex and intercourse in different sexual positions
—side-to-side, face-to-face, or on a rocking chair.
For retarded ejaculation, try masturbation with your partner kneeling
astride you and enter her just when you are about to ejaculate. Then
substitute vaginal sex for manual stimulation. Try prolonged love
play.
If you can’t achieve an erection, consult your sexologist (after
eliminating any medical causes) to identify the choices that are
available to you along with good foreplay—stents, vacuum devices,
medication of various kinds which may be herbal, allopathic or
homeopathic, and tablets which have to be popped one or two hours
 before sex. These tablets do not cause heart problems, but you need
your doctor’s permission if you have an existing coronary
dysfunction. Do not be your own adviser; do not start pills without
undergoing a medical check-up. Recent reports indicate that erectile
dysfunction can be the earliest sign of a heart problem.
Lax vaginal muscles after childbirth can be tightened by doing the
Kegel exercises several times a day. Surgery is the last resort.

KEGEL EXERCISES

Kegel exercises for the pubococcygeus (PC) muscles that control the flow
of urine are good for both the sexes. Start the flow of urine and stop
midstream. Count to three, restart and repeat ten times. Do it twice a day.

SEXUAL BENEFITS FOR WOMEN

Improves stress incontinence.
More easily sexually aroused.
Lubricates faster.
More frequent and better orgasms.

SEXUAL BENEFITS FOR MEN

More intense orgasms.
Helps curb premature ejaculation.
Shortens recovery time between orgasms.

QUESTIONS

Q. My wife is forty years old. Will her sex drive taper off in middle
age?
A. It’s just the opposite. The female sex drive usually grows stronger
when women are free from the fear of pregnancy, childbearing
 problems and the insecurities of youth. The middle-aged woman
who enjoys being herself, delights in exploring her sexuality and
has a loving, pleasing partner, should be having the time of her life
erotically and emotionally.

Q. I am forty-two years old and have been married for the last six
years. We have been unable to have a child. My wife’s periods
have been irregular since the time we got married. Medication
hasn’t helped. I have no knowledge of her menstrual cycles.
How do I find out whether she really has her periods or not?
What if she is fooling me? I am very confused.
A. Firstly, do not lose trust. I am sure she is equally concerned. If you
want to take serious action, please accompany her to the doctor,
clarify your doubts and understand what should be done. Your
sperm count and motility, the frequency of intercourse and your
wife’s reproductive status need to be investigated.

Q. I am forty-seven years old and married for many years. Though

I have led a happy married life so far, of late I have lost interest
in my wife. I simply fail to get an erection. Though I do get one
on watching others, I haven’t been able to satisfy either her or
myself. I have tried a homoeopathic drug to boost my libido,
but now my sperm count is low and I ejaculate just after
penetration. What could the problem be?
A. Your roving eyes are playing tricks on you. Take more interest in
your wife. I suggest you engage in more foreplay, like a massage or
a bath together to arouse your interest. Get a prostate check from a
urologist and if you still cannot succeed, consult a sexologist.

Q. I am a fifty-three-year-old married woman and my menstrual

cycle stopped when I was fifty. However, my sex drive is very
high, and my husband and I have sex twice a week. Our
foreplay and intercourse last about half an hour and I have an
 orgasm at least three times during the act. I was wondering up
to which age one can enjoy sex this way and up to what age I
will continue to get orgasms. I do not have any medical
problems so far and work out for about two hours a day. My
husband too is very active and healthy. Kindly advise.
A. Congrats for being an example to others and I am happy that you
are in a state of bliss. You can continue to be so for as long as you
desire.

TWILIGHT YEARS

At sixty or more, erections are not to your satisfaction. When they occur,
you are in a hurry to insert lest it subside; your partner complains of pain;
you find it difficult to insert because she is dry. After menopause, the
number of cells in the vagina decreases and arousal takes longer; the result
is that she refuses you or submits only because she thinks it is her duty.
The answer lies in restoring your pleasure patterns. At this age, is
intercourse really necessary? After all, intercourse is just a means of
depositing sperms in the vagina to start a baby. Undoubtedly foreplay,
massaging each other, having a bath together and oral sex produce pleasure
for a longer time and can give both partners orgasms that are as good as
those achieved by intercourse. At this age health problems are common, and
they hinder pleasure. Accept the constraints, use suitable positions, continue
intimacy and mutual masturbation, and happiness will be yours. Try out the
following:

Revitalize with experimentation. Take baths and walks together.

Snuggle in front of the TV. Watch titillating films together. Be
tender; talk and touch; take up a hobby together.
Eat interesting, well-balanced meals to cut down on saturated fats
that can clog your blood vessels and slow down your responses.
Exercise not only makes you lose weight and look better, but also
gets your circulation and libido going.
 For vaginal dryness use a lubricant, a vaginal gel or jelly to make
sex more comfortable. You can also use saliva.
She is an adviser to the family and enjoys the pleasure of being with
the grandchildren, but her grandma status often disturbs her sexual
desires which may or may not be satisfied due to her circumstances.
Five per cent of men over sixty suffer from the loss of potency or
decreased sexual desire as a result of low testosterone. Ask your
doctor about supplements.
Tailor sex to suit any health problem.
A diabetic with erectile difficulty can gratify his partner by other
means of stimulation. Ask about drugs that can improve erection
and desire, vacuum constriction devices, and penile implants.
At this age the prostate gland which surrounds the urinary tract and
is located just below the bladder, tends to enlarge and disturbs free
urination. A Prostate Specific Antigen test (PSA) and an anal
examination helps to identify the problem. Incidentally, a
marvellous way to stay away from prostate problems is frequent
ejaculation.
After a heart attack, your doctor will tell you when you can resume
sexual activity. Be faithful to one partner because clandestine sex
will increase your pulse rate. Often a doctor will prescribe keeping a
nitroglycerine tablet under your tongue while making love in order
to stop angina pain. The woman-on-top position is the safest.

The ability to maintain an active and independent lifestyle for as long as

possible is a crucial factor in ageing with your health and dignity intact.

Death of a Spouse Poses Many Sexual Problems for the Ageing

Partners lose their sex drive during bereavement. The reemergence of

sexual feelings can be painful reminders and induce guilt. Sexual loss
seldom gets encouragement. The absence of a sexual partner makes for
frequent dreams of orgasm and masturbation. Masturbation can be very
important to the aged; it enables women and men without partners or with
infirm partners to release sexual tension.
Intimacy, not necessarily sexual, promotes a feeling of happiness and
well-being. Loving gestures convey a sense of caring, acknowledgement
and support. When the spouse or partner is not there, focusing on pets may
be a substitute. It has been shown to lower blood pressure and to release
endorphins which provide a sense of well-being.

MYTHS ABOUT AGEING

• True : Older people in reasonably good health can continue an active
sex life into their eighties or nineties or beyond if they and their
partners remain sexually interested.
• True : People who have had satisfying sex lives in their youth and
middle age are likely to continue sex into old age.
• True : If people believe that sexual interest disappears with age, they
often find that it indeed does—use it or lose it.
• False : Some older people who find that they remain interested in sex,
may feel it is abnormal or sinful.

QUESTIONS

Q. I am a sixty-two-year-old man. My wife is going through

menopause and I have noticed that she is more physically
affectionate now. We had not been intimate for a while because
of our busy lives and the stress of raising children. Is there a
chance that her intimacy is a result of hormonal changes? Is
there anything wrong with having sex at this age?
A. Wrong? It’s very good. Get yourself ready for a better sex life and
increase your sexual energy.

Q. I am eighty and my wife is seventy. I am a blood sugar patient,

but am very interested in sex. I am not in a position to enjoy sex
as my organ fails me now. This has been causing some distress
to my wife who, being orthodox, is not willing to take any
 medicine. I saw an advertisement for ayurvedic medicines in
the papers. Shall I take them? I am ashamed to approach a
sexologist considering my age. Please prescribe me tablets or a
massage oil. Hoping to hear from you soon.
A. As age descends on us, we should realize that sexual intercourse is
not the be all and end all of a happy relationship. After all,
intercourse is only meant to eject the semen so that conception can
occur. The ejaculation of semen that gave pleasure in youth rarely
does so at this age. Look for pleasure for yourself and your partner
by reintroducing foreplay. Have a bath together, massage each
other, masturbate each other. You could see a sexpert who can
prescribe medicines and advise you.

Q. I am a married woman. My husband does not satisfy me

sexually. While browsing the Net I saw various sites advertising
swinging couples. I met a few and I told my husband that I had
sex with about four couples. Surprisingly he confessed that he
has been gay all his life. I am now pregnant but I don’t know
whose child it is. What should I do now?
A. You are responsible for your own actions. However, the least you
could have done was to ensure you did not become pregnant.
Should you wish to identify the father, DNA tests are available. The
identification has both legal and emotional consequences.
 9
ALTERNATIVE SEXUALITY

S CIENTISTS HAVE YET TO COME to a conclusion as to why a homosexual

(referred to as gay if male, and lesbian if female) chooses to be so. But they
are convinced that their behaviour which is now referred to as normal
alternative sexuality is not a mental disorder.
Not so in India, however, where strict laws force gays and lesbians to
hide their sexual orientation. Nevertheless, among them are leading
business tycoons, doctors, artists, musicians, judges and priests. It is not an
easy task for a counsellor to help young men and women confused by their
emotions to feel at ease, and guide adults who are being pressurized by their
parents to marry in making correct decisions. This is especially true for
those who are bisexual, which means they have feelings for both men and
women.
It is a myth that all gay men look ‘feminine’ or that all lesbians appear
‘masculine’. Most gay men have no interest in wearing women’s clothes.
Then there are also some who are transvestites or cross-dressers but not
homosexuals. They enjoy dressing in clothing traditionally or
stereotypically worn by the other sex, but generally have no intention to live
full-time as the other gender. Usually, there are non-dominant or passive
partners in a homosexual relationship just as there are in a heterosexual one.
A person does not become a homosexual if he has had crushes, fantasies,
or some sort of sexual experimentation with a person of the same sex.
These are usually brief and passing substitutes for heterosexual experiences.
Homosexuals are not insane nor should they be objects of scorn or pity.
 Unfortunately no ‘treatments’—psychological, medical or religious—are
known to make homosexual people change their feelings and actions. It is
in their best interest if they become comfortable with themselves and accept
who they wish to be. To help them, we must not treat them any differently
than others and realize they are as normal as anyone else, just with a
different preference.

QUESTIONS

Q. I have a very good friend who admits that he is a homosexual.

He knows I’m not, and he has never once made a pass at me.
But if my dad knew he was gay, he would go stark raving mad
at the thought of my being friends with him. What are your
views on this?
A. In the past, homosexuality was regarded as a perversion or sexual
deviation. Unfortunately, there are still millions of people like your
father, who are repulsed by the thought of two men loving and
having sex with one another. As only one in twenty men is
homosexual, there are very many more men who prefer sex with
women. Sex between a man and a woman, therefore, is taken as the
norm and anything that does not follow that norm becomes a
‘deviation’. Psychiatrists now believe that homosexuality is not a
perversion or deviation, but see it as another way of life, and they
feel everyone is entitled to be sexually satisfied according to their
preference.
Any attempt to convert a homosexual to a male–female
relationship has been unsuccessful.

Q. Pain is the only thing that is telling me I am alive. I’ve been

married for the last three months and my husband confessed to
me that he is gay. I can’t go ahead and have an annulment as I
come from a typical Indian family. I cannot understand whom
to confide in and how to change my life. Is there any way to rid
 my husband of homosexuality? I strongly believe there should
be a way! Please advise.
A. You are in an unfortunate position. You are married to a man who
could not confess earlier and spoiled your life. Some homosexuals
can have sex with both males and females; if he cannot, you will
have to share this with your mother or father. There is no shame in
standing on your own feet. It is your decision to either continue in
this marriage and bear the shame and pain for life, or choose a way
out.

Q. Hope you remember me. I had taken advice from you on a sex
change operation as I wanted to become a woman even though
my family was against it. My operation was successful; I’m a
woman now and am completely satisfied with my womanhood.
I am seeing a man who doesn’t know about my past, I am
afraid I will lose him if I tell him about my operation. Also, I
have no clue about how to satisfy a man. Please help me.
A. Best to be frank at the outset and risk his leaving now rather than
later. If he truly loves you, he will not leave you. Visit Internet
search engines to learn more about foreplay. I am happy for you.
Best of luck. You will have to deal with it if and when a problem
arises.

Q. I am a twenty-six-year-old man. Well, I have been a little shy

about sharing my problem but finally I have been able to break
the shell and put it out there. Sir, I want to share the agony I
have been going through. My parents are forcing me to get
married but I am worried because I am attracted to men and
whenever I masturbate, I fantasize about men. But I really
want to overcome these feelings and live life like a normal man.
I do get urges to have sex with women too, but am more
inclined towards men. I want to settle down and have kids.
 Please let me know if I will be able to satisfy my wife and have
kids. Please answer my questions as I am very worried.
A. There are many people like you in this world. If your feelings for
men are stronger than for females, it is you who has to decide in
which direction you wish to go. In this case, marriage may make the
partner unhappy and frustrated. However, there are many married
men who are bisexual, which means they are sexually attracted to
both men and women. Why not see a psychologist who can help
you analyse your dilemma and come to a decision?
 10
UNSAFE SEX

Sex and Illness

‘I T’S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN to me,’ thinks every young man and woman
today. Truth is, we are all equally susceptible to diseases; it really depends
upon our habits. It is just as common to seek sexual favours from friends,
acquaintances and neighbours today, as it is uncommon to pay heed to
warnings about HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases (STD).
Sex is man’s second strongest instinct; second only to the survival
instinct, which means that if his life is not in danger, he will automatically
think of sex.
A sexual desire can often be very strong and uncomfortable. A young
male, with his surging hormones, masturbates several times a day or, if still
unsatisfied, visits a sex worker or an aunty/neighbour—whoever he thinks
will satisfy his desire.
You must be watchful of inappropriate circumstances—there are many
people who are open to the idea of visiting sex workers but it is very likely
that they will meet someone who is infected with STD or HIV.
Even though masturbation is a better alternative, boys feel the need to
experiment. It is therefore crucial to be informed about the possible fallouts
of such an experiment.
Women should be careful before they submit to a sexual act. An HIV
infection cannot be detected simply by looking at one’s partner. Nowadays,
the female condom is available and this may prevent an HIV/AIDS
infection; it does not, however, guarantee immunity from STDs such as
herpes and warts.
The HIV virus cannot be contracted by touching, hugging, living with or
sharing food with an infected person. The concentration of the virus is low
in saliva. It is usually found in the blood, semen, vaginal fluids and breast
milk of an infected person. So sexual activity is what you have to be careful
of and restraint is the answer here.
Resist vaginal, anal and oral intercourse and, if infected, avoid
pregnancy. We all have some habits we are not so proud of, but paying
attention to health and hygiene will go a long way in serving and saving
your life. Habits such as sharing needles during drug use will definitely put
you in jeopardy.

FOLLOW THE ABC RULE: ABSTAIN, BE FAITHFUL,

CONDOM ALWAYS

We are all inherently shy about taking precautions when it comes to sex, but
remember that you are in charge of your well-being. Communicate openly
about your sexual preferences and respect your partner’s viewpoint. Sexual
activity is best practised between mutually faithful couples; be
monogamous and choose masturbation as a means of abstinence.
Know your partner. The risk of contracting STDs is higher when you
have a sexual interaction with an unfamiliar person. Do not succumb to peer
pressure and don’t let any form of humiliation get the better of you. Beware
of friends who exaggerate.
 Before intercourse rinse your hands, mouth, throat and genitals.
Always have a condom at hand. Unprotected sex can lead to stress,
depression and physical problems. Avoid oral sex; at best do not
indulge in it without latex barriers. Special flavoured condoms are
available.
Any kind of penetrative sex—vaginal, anal or oral—which involves
the mixing of blood or body fluids puts you at risk. Refrain from
visiting sex workers.

If you must, then have full knowledge before you do, and know what you
are going to do.

1. Before a visit, rinse your mouth and throat, and wash your hands
and genitals.
2. Do not go with the attitude ‘It can never happen to me.’ Never have
unprotected sex, whether penetrative or oral. Condoms which have
been kept in your purse or the glove compartment of your car can
disintegrate, so always have freshly purchased condoms ready. For
oral sex, flavoured condoms are also available.
Having a known, single partner is the safest bet, but always use a
condom anyway. With an unknown partner, you are never sure
whether she/he has an infection, the most serious one being
HIV/AIDS. With an infected partner who may not have any visible
sign of disease, deep kissing, breast and nipple sucking, and oral sex
can also transmit the virus, though it is not as common as infection
through sexual intercourse.
The good news for those who suffer from fright, tension and
anxiety after an episode with an unknown partner or a visit to a
massage parlour or sex worker, is that there must be an entry point
in your skin or mouth for you to contract HIV/AIDS. However,
beware! There are many other STDs that can still affect you.
 3. Beware of friends who boast about their performance which can
make you doubt your own virility or potency. Be alert about
uncontrollable sexual urges which can be so strong that you feel
compelled to satisfy them.
4. Be careful of unprotected sex which can lead to tension, depression
and physical problems. After a visit, should there be any risky
situation such as the condom tearing or your body developing any
abnormal symptoms, do not succumb to fear and shame. Promptly
visit a doctor. Doctors are duty-bound to maintain confidentiality.
5. HIV/AIDS is already in the limelight because no cure has been
found and also because it affects a whole family and not just the
infected person. However, there are many other reproductive tract
infections, like herpes and warts, which can disturb the equilibrium
of the body and mind if not treated in time.

Should your friend or you have the following symptoms, see a doctor at
once. If treated, all except herpes genitalis and HIV/AIDS can be cured.
Even herpes and HIV / AIDS can be treated to ensure a long symptom-free
life.

Five Symptoms That Could Indicate an Infection Are:

1. Burning sensation during urination.
2. Pus discharge.
3. A painless ulcer that may disappear in a few days (syphilis).
4. A lump in the groin or watery eruptions.
5. Skin afflictions like a rash, and HIV/AIDS which may not show any
lesions or signs for long.

Keeping silent and nursing your acute anxiety only makes you sicker. If
you have any doubts, visit a general physician or, better still, a
dermatologist specializing in HIV/AIDS. The National AIDS Control
Organization (NACO), Government of India, has set up Integrated
Counselling and Testing Centres (ICTCs) all over the country, and they are
usually located in government or municipal hospitals and provide free
counselling and tests.
In the unfortunate situation that your tests are positive, it is no doubt a
traumatic and stressful development that can affect your life. However, it is
important to know your status. With a proper diet and healthy lifestyle, a
person can live without medication for more than ten years and, with
medication, can have a normal lifespan.
You must be kind and affectionate towards infected persons; they need
your support. Even though they have been diagnosed with an incurable
disease, they can, with the right attention, live a happy and progressive life.
Relationships and sexual satisfaction boost the quality of life. In a life
restricted by illness, sex can be a powerful source of comfort, pleasure and
intimacy. For patients with chronic illness and their partners a satisfying sex
life is one way of feeling ‘normal’.
Several illnesses, medical or surgical—for instance, cardiac problems,
rheumatoid arthritis, hepatitis and mastectomy—an hamper sexual pleasure.
However, it should not lead to the absence of sex. Much can be done to help
them.

QUESTIONS

Q. My wife and I have both been diagnosed HIV-positive, but

thankfully it has not affected our marital or sexual life
negatively. Do I still need to use a condom?
A. There is no reason why your happy sexual life will not continue for
a long time; you both are obviously taking all the necessary
measures to remain healthy. It is advisable to continue using a
condom—even for oral sex. The reason is that the viral load should
not increase in either partner.

Q. I feel very low since my recovery from a heart attack. I have

recovered but am scared to have sex. My wife is also worried.
The doctor has not given me any proper advice.
A. Heart disease need not be the reason for abstaining from sexual
activity. Because sexual intercourse increases the heart rate, blood
pressure and breathing, many heart patients abstain from sex out of
fear of bringing on a heart attack. Your wife is often the one with
this anxiety. Resuming sexual activity depends on how well a heart
patient has recovered. Only a physician familiar with your condition
can give you specific advice but, to get it, a patient may need to ask.
A patient should resume less taxing forms of sexual activity on
returning home from the hospital, such as touching, cuddling,
stroking. This gentle activity, without expectation of intercourse,
helps relieve anxieties that can result in impotence. It can boost
confidence and ease the resumption of intercourse. Often the heart
rate rises more from driving a car than from intercourse. A heart
patient can usually resume intercourse when he is able to climb one
or two flights of stairs or walk a kilometre at a brisk pace. The best
time for intercourse is in the morning after a restful night’s sleep.
Three positions which lessen cardiac workload are recommended
for a heart patient: 1) lying on the side, 2) lying on the back with the
partner on top, 3) sitting on a wide chair that is low enough for the
feet to touch the ground. A heart patient should refrain from having
intercourse for three hours after eating a heavy meal or drinking
alcohol. Food, especially an elaborate dinner, increases the heart’s
workload. Alcohol also raises demands on the heart; moreover, even
a small amount can dull sexual responsiveness—and so bring about
frantic activity.

Q. One of my friends told me that oral sex with girls could lead to
tongue or throat cancer. Is this true?
A. There are some references to indicate that cancer may occur, but it
is very rare. More often, sexually transmitted infections are seen in
the throat. If proper hygiene is followed, especially by using a
condom, then there is no need to feel scared.
Q. Although AIDS is a twentieth-century discovery, is it possible
that it may have existed in the past, especially in ancient and
medieval societies where polygamy was practised on a wide
scale? Was syphilis prevalent back then?
A. Most of the sexually transmitted diseases known today existed in
earlier centuries as well. In fact, syphilis used to be a common
disease that sailors imported into their homelands. You can learn
more by surfing the Internet.

Q. I had sex with two girls and used the same condom. Can they
get pregnant? Can we get HIV/AIDS? Please help.
A. Are you so broke that you cannot afford two condoms? Obviously,
you are someone who does not respect women’s rights. How would
you like it if you had to share your toothbrush with other men?
They may not get pregnant but all of you can get an infection.
Better be careful next time.
 11
UNUSUAL BEHAVIOUR

Sex can be loving, sharing, caring and much more. It can also be strange.
Unusual or strange sexual behaviour involves performing actions that are
not considered normal. This kind of behaviour does not usually occur in the
community. Several forms of sexual behaviour are seen in the community;
however, some are more than strange: They’re bizarre!

Incest The most famous example of incest was the marriage of

Cleopatra, queen of Egypt, with her brother.

Incest is sexual activity between family members or close

relatives; this typically includes sexual activity between
blood relatives and sometimes between people related by
affinity such as members of the same household, step
relatives, those related by adoption or marriage, or members
of the same clan or lineage.

In India, the Indian Penal Code (IPC) does not contain any
specific provisions against incest as a punishable crime but
there are general provisions relating to sexual abuse of
children by their custodians, such as a parent or teacher.

Incest has been reported in India between father and

daughter, brother and sister, and other close relatives.
Tragically, many cases go undetected.

Perversion Sexual behaviour that you consider to be wrong or abnormal.

Sexual Also referred to as molestation, it means forcing undesired
Abuse sexual behaviour upon another.

Masochism Sexual behaviour in which one draws pleasure from being

hurt.

Sadism Behaviour in which one gets sexual pleasure from hurting

someone else.

Paedophilia Sexual feelings for children in an adult.

Fetishism Unusual sexual activity involving interest in a particular

object or material.

Bestiality Sexual activity between a person and an animal.

Femdom Refers to a relationship in which the female is the dominant

partner.

Unusual sexual behaviour is unacceptable most of the time but is often

tolerated as can be seen below.
What a reader experienced in her childhood is unfortunately a fairly
common occurrence. She says, ‘When I was eight years old, my servant
forced me into having sex with him. Now I am engaged and am very
worried. Please answer 1) if the servant had a sexual disease, would I have
contracted it? 2) will it affect my chances for a future pregnancy?’
It is very sad indeed and I suspect there are many who have undergone
similar episodes but suffer in silence. They should take courage and put the
incident completely behind them; nobody needs to know, including the
husband. Moreover, the victim is not responsible for the act. It is very
unlikely that at that age, true penetration of the vagina had occurred;
possibly, it was intercourse between the thighs, hence no damage was done.
As for contracting a disease, it is highly unlikely as many years have passed
and no symptoms have appeared. Had any symptoms appeared then, they
would easily have been visible to the parents who would have consulted a
doctor. The incident will not affect a pregnancy occurring in the future.

QUESTIONS

Q. Am I a sex addict?
A. Here are some questions to consider if you think you may be
addicted to sex:
Are you ashamed of your sexual behaviour?
Has your sexual behaviour ever harmed anyone?
Have you tried to stop or limit a certain sexual behaviour, but
were unable to?
Have you ever paid or traded favours for sex?
Do you keep secrets about your sexual activities?
Do you have sex with strangers?
Do you often masturbate with pornography?

The answer to these questions will help you decide if you are a sex
addict.

Q. I am a twenty-five-year-old male. Being the only child of my

parents (my father owns a garment business and my mother is
a homemaker), I remained close to them till my engineering
years. While in the seventh semester, I saw my mother in a
semi-nude state, and from then onwards, I started following her
when she went to the bathroom. Gradually, I developed feelings
of love and wanted to see her completely without clothes. My
uncontrollable desires peaked after my degree when I got
ample time to stay at home, though she was unaware of it.
Once, in my father’s absence, I tried to embrace her and
unhook her clothes but she resisted. I proposed to her but, in
return, she slapped and scolded me. I was firm and did not eat
the entire day. She was in tears and, on my threatening to
 commit suicide, she agreed to sleep with me whenever my
father would be away from home. But she allowed only anal sex
and said that the front part is reserved for her husband. I am
sorry but I may need to force her if required. As she is forty-
five-plus, will having vaginal sex get her pregnant? I have
heard that a woman cannot be a mother once she crosses forty-
five. I also have the habit of taking her pictures secretly.
A. You need to see a psychiatrist. Are you an adult who loves your
parents or a blackmailer who forced your mother to succumb in
shame to your childlike threats? Please grow up, respect your
mother and father, and think about your future for which you have
been educated, and later find a girl and fall in love which will be
legitimate.

Q. I am twenty-two years old and have a younger sister who is

twenty-one. For the last four years I am crazy about her
breasts. One day I expressed my wish to see, touch and even
suck her boobs, and she agreed. A year later, we started having
sex with each other—not actual sex, but only restricted to her
breasts. Neither my sister nor I have had sex with anyone
except each other. We are happy doing this once or twice a
week. I don’t think there is anything wrong in this. Because sex
is a need and we satisfy each other and always find something
new to do.
1) Will this cause any damage to us?
2) Should we stop this?
3) Is what we are doing wrong?
A. What you are doing is incest—having a sexual relationship with a
near one. This is not accepted in society. Of course you should stop
this behaviour. Both of you think it is your right. Sexual happiness
is, but not with your sister. Both of you should restrain yourselves
and wait to have sex till you find partners.
Q. I am twenty-six years old. Once, during a visit to a prostitute, I
climaxed while wearing a condom. I then decided to stop the
production of sperms in my body completely. I plan to cut the
nerves around my testicles using a pliers-like tool. I have seen
bulls’ nerves being cut using just a sterilizing tool. Can that
work for me? Despite the size of their testicles reducing greatly
after sterilization, bulls can still have sex as before. Sterilized
bulls, in fact, are much stronger than regular ones and they
never allow them to mate with cows. I want to be a sterilized
bull and reserve many human cows for myself. Also, as there
will be nothing to ejaculate, can I cure premature ejaculation
and have sex for a longer duration?
A. You are not a bull but, I am sorry to say, just as ignorant as one. In a
sterilization procedure (vasectomy), only the tubes—which
comprise the pathway of the sperms—are blocked. The fluid,
without the sperms, will continue to be pumped in from other
glands. Your premature ejaculation will not heal by castrating
yourself. That problem is the result of various nerves which are not
touched. I suggest you surf the Internet and study vasectomy before
you undergo the procedure that the bulls you studied underwent.
Vasectomy does not affect erection or cause a loss of desire. It is the
ideal way, but unfortunately, it’s the woman who is usually
sterilized.

Q. I am twenty-four years old. I have been in a live-in relationship

with my girlfriend for a year. However, for the last few days, we
are having a harrowing time because of bedbugs. Whenever we
get intimate, the bugs also seem to snap into action. In fact, they
have bitten me on my penis and we are afraid they might have
entered my girlfriend’s vagina. We are taking care of the
infestation. Can this cause any infections?
A. Did not know bugs also get sexually excited and enjoy oral sex.
Until you get rid of them, use the floor. You may then avoid an
 infection.

Q. I have seen that when semen is evenly applied to the face and
left to dry, it feels like the skin is tightening. In my opinion, this
is much better than any skin-tightening pack available at a
beauty parlour. Is this harmful in any way, especially on fair
skin?
A. Get a patent. A number of beauty specialists may start recruiting
men. I see no harm in doing what you do but I doubt it will make
any difference to your face.

Q. In the last semester, I failed in one subject. My parents got

worried and took me to an astrologer. He asked me to remove
my pants. He said the ejaculation after masturbation is equal to
100 ml of blood, hence my weakness. Is this true? Should I stop
masturbating and avoid my girlfriend? I am regretting showing
him my penis. Please help.
A. The astrologer is a fraud and completely ignorant of sexual matters.
Masturbation is completely normal. I suggest you tell your parents
that you will not visit such frauds again. Not being able to hit bull’s
eye in academics once in a while is normal. Visit your college
counsellor.

Q. I’m a twenty-five-year-old female. I’m a child abuse victim. I

never got treatment; nobody even knows about it. I have been
abused by two of my cousins several times at a very young age.
My periods have always been irregular. The previous month’s
periods were delayed and I got them on 2 August. It started
again on 21 August. And this time when I got my periods, there
was a severe pain in my vagina and I was not able to urinate.
Please advise!
A. Very unfortunate, but you must never think that it was your fault.
Learn to forget and be cheerful. This may help to correct your
 menstruation irregularities. You must see a gynaecologist. Do not
be shy to tell her everything.

Q. I am a twenty-two-year-old man, very sexy and unmarried. I

have no girlfriend. I found a way to satisfy my sexual desire. I
have been having oral and anal sex with my five-year-old bitch
for the last two months. I enjoy it and both of us are healthy.
Will this be a problem in the future? Should we continue our
sexual relationship or not?
A. Why ask me? It would have been better if your bitch could have
told you her feelings. In a few years do not be sure that you will not
get an infection when you consider marrying a woman. Will you
compare the pleasure? Bestiality is illegal. So the answer is, stop. I
think your pet will like that too.
The beauty and divine gift of sexuality is that it offers a place in which you
can never be wrong; just be yourself —a homosexual, a heterosexual or a
transvestite . . .

You cannot be wrong and you cannot hurt anyone if sex is honest,
responsible and consensual.
PART II FAQs*
 1
BEING COMFORTABLE WITH SEX

Q. I am 45 years old. Is spirituality connected with sexuality? I

accepted sex as something that is spiritual but then why does society
seem to hate sex?
A. Every male and female has a sex pleasure centre in the brain which is
meant to stimulate the body to have sex so that fertilization takes place
and the human race flourishes. Many factors, including religion, affect
behaviour. Whether it is a spiritual act is very debatable.

Q. The semen we excrete, does it contain anything that is best that

should be stored in the body. Can we do anything or eat anything to
replace semen.
A. Nature is wise. The body, in order to remain healthy, knows what to
store, recycle or dispose of. Semen contains a minute amount of
chemicals. In human semen these vary somewhat, depending on the
man’s diet, health and frequency of ejaculation, but the average ejaculate
consists mostly of protein, citric acid, fructose, sodium and chloride.
There are smaller amounts of other chemicals like prostaglandins,
ascorbic acid, cholesterol and other minerals. Semen contains active
sperms and has one function only, and that is to convey sperms to the
ova (egg of the female) and bring about fertilization. Even if semen does
not contain a single sperm, it does not affect an active sex life. Having or
not having sperms has nothing to do with whether a man can have
erections, orgasms or ejaculation of semen.

Q. What do you mean by the term ‘a virgin’?

A. By definition, a virgin is a girl whose hymen is intact. The hymen is a
fleshy, thin membrane which partially closes the mouth of the vagina.
The closure is not complete and it is possible to introduce a finger
through the opening without breaking the hymen. When a girl first has
sexual intercourse, the hymen is stretched and ruptures, and this is
accompanied by some discomfort and bleeding, though the amount of
blood will vary. However, there are cases where even in a virgin the
hymen is not intact, and may be so stretchable that it may not bleed at all
even during the first intercourse. In other cases the hymen can rupture as
a result of operations, injury, masturbation or excessive physical activity
although the girl is still a virgin.

Q. I am 19 years old married to an eighteen year old girl from

Rajasthan. My first night was unsuccessful. I do not know which
way to put it. I tried with my fingers and felt a narrow opening. Has
the vagina got one hole or two holes. Please help us to have proper
sex.
A. Ignorance does not make for good sex. First of all, you both should learn
about your genitals. A small night light helps greatly to see each other
and enhance excitement. To have satisfactory intercourse the partner
should be equally involved. For example, instead of fumbling yourself,
why not ask your wife to hold the penis and guide it into her vagina? A
good position would be for the partner to lie on her back, flexing and
spreading her legs, and the male to kneel or bend forward on his elbows.
Many wrongly lie on the partner and literally smother her. If the legs are
kept straight, the vagina and the penis are at different angles and so entry
is difficult.

Q. I am a 22 year old man. I have never dated a girl or have had sex. As
a result, I masturbate a lot by looking at images of my favourite
Hollywood actresses and singers. Is it wrong to fantasise only about
foreign stars and not Bollywood actresses.
A. You are the boss. It’s up to you to decide whether, when the D-day of
your marriage arrives, you will run an advertisement in Hollywood
newspapers.

Q. Is it normal to have sex during periods with the use of a condom?

A. It is permitted if desired. The chances of pregnancy are virtually nil so a
condom is not required but I do not recommend the unmarried to take
the remote risk.

Q. I am fond of exercise. Are there any exercise which will strengthen

muscles used in sex?
A. Pelvic exercise is designed to strengthen the pelvic muscles and can be
useful to both men and women. In women these can help to prevent or
reduce sagging of the internal organs, urinary incontinence, increase
sexual responsiveness, enhance orgasm and prepare for childbirth.
In men, regular pelvic muscle exercise can strengthen the muscles
surrounding the penis, help with erection difficulties and increase the
intensity of pelvic sensation. For these exercises you begin by locating
the pelvic muscles which you do by spreading the legs apart while
urinating and stopping and starting the flow of urine. The ease with
which you can do this tells you how strong these muscles are to begin
with. The muscles you squeeze to stop the flow are your pelvic muscles.
You can then exercise these muscles by alternately contracting for a
second, then letting go. You can do this ten times in a row, building up
gradually to fifteen, then to twenty or more. You do not have to be
urinating to exercise them. Since no one knows you are doing it you can
practise the exercise anywhere, anytime, for example, on the bus on your
way to work or while watching television. You can improve the tone of
your muscles within several weeks.

Q. My family is demanding that I get married. How can I ascertain if

the girl is a virgin?
A. I suggest you don’t get married. Unless you appoint detectives, there is
no way to find out. Spare her your suspicious mind.

Q. I had a few queries: What if I have sex and then sleep leaving my
penis inside my wife’s vagina? What are the creams available for
men to clean their pubic areas?
A. What if you just allow your tired penis to have its deserved rest. In any
case the penis will slip out during your blissful sleep. Best to use soap
and water.

Q. What is the typical sign that a woman has had orgasm?

A. You can make out when a woman is excited by the lubrication of her
vagina. To make out an orgasm is more difficult. Women can fake it.
Physiologically her body becomes tense, the pulse and breathing become
rapid and sounds from the mouth may emit till suddenly there is a
release. Orgasm has been compared to a sneeze: sometimes it is gentle,
sometimes strong or violent. The same is experienced by a male but in
addition, he ejaculates semen.

Q. Please advise if a women’s breast are manipulated by her husband

whether the health of the woman is affected, will milk flow to the
expected child be affected?
A. The breasts are often the site of oral sex play and heighten the
pleasurable sensation of the woman and her partner. Health is in no way
affected, neither is the subsequent milk secretion.

Q. Is my vagina too big/small?

A. There is no such thing as a vagina that’s too big or too small. By
experimenting with different positions and using lots of lubricants, the
vagina can almost always accommodate the partner’s penis and have a
good time doing it. However, for women who ‘feel’ that their vagina has
loosened due to pregnancy or any other reason, there are certain
exercises that can tone up the cervical muscles.
Q. I am 18 yrs old girl. I get a white discharge from my vagina, semen
like stuff. Whenever I am sexually aroused or have intercourse, the
discharge is heavier I have heard that as girl vagina is never dry and
the discharge of this fluid is the early symptom of cancer. I am really
worried. Please suggest a remedy
A. It is not cancer. Vaginal secretions keep the vagina moist. At sexual
arousal, more lubrication occurs naturally, so do not panic.

Q. While indulged in sex I experience a lot of white discharge from the

vagina, why is this and is this normal? While in oral sex, my
husband has the habit of swallowing the white discharge from my
vagina. Is this harmfull in anyway for him? 3. Is using coconut oil
for lubrication harmfull or what could be a good lubricant?
A. Sexual excitement prompts the cells in the vagina to increase the
lubrication which, if healthy, is clear white without the smell.
Swallowing it is harmless. Do not use coconut oil when you wish to start
a baby. Instead, you can use your saliva or lubricants.

Q. I am a 21 years old girl and have not had a sexual relationship with
anybody so far. The problem is, whenever I get excited I use a
mascara tube as a dildo, which is very soft and comfortable.
Whenever I insert it in my vagina a couple of times I see few light
colored drops of blood on it. It’s painless and but it happens every
time. I am not able to find the cause and can’t visit a clinic for such
purpose. Is it normal? What should I do?
A. Try inserting your middle finger deep into the vagina and check. What
do you mean by light coloured blood; is it on the front or the sides? It
could be that you are splitting your hymen; if spotting continues, stop
and visit a gynaecologist.

Q. Is it true that a ruptured hymen indicates a loss of virginity?

A. No. The hymen is a thin membrane which closes the mouth of the
vagina. At times it may be absent at birth, so a missing hymen cannot
 prove that a girl is not a virgin. When the girl has her first sexual
intercourse, the hymen is stretched and ruptures. The hymen can be
ruptured as a result of operations, injury, masturbation or excessive
physical activity even when the girl is still a virgin.

Q. I got married 10 months ago. My wife is 27 years old. Over the

months, her breast size has increased by four inches. One day, she
pressed her nipples and some milk-like substance oozed out. She is
not pregnant and her periods are perfectly normal. We are worried.
Is everything normal?
A. Due to extra stimulation, milk may appear. Most of the time, it is okay. If
persistent, see a gynaecologist as at times a hormonal problem may be
involved. With regard to the size, it would increase if she were pregnant.
If not, check the reason.

Q. I wanna hv sex with my fiance. I had sex with him once but that was
incompletely done. So my fiance wants to have sex again and he
wants me as a virgin he told me to insert any artificial hymen into
my vagina but i am unable to find a good quality and cheap
artificial hymen in a nearby medical shop. Pls provide me with a
reply that has a good n cheap artificial hymen as u hadn’t replied
me last week.
A. No material like a hymen is available. If he has had sex with you, then
he is responsible for taking your virginity. Please ask him to wait till
after marriage; it’s best if both take counselling before marriage.

Q. I am 22 years old. I have sex with my girlfriend occasionally, but

even when I am lying in bed, my testicles keep moving. Is this
Normal?
A. The testicles doing the salsa are unique. They rest when you fall asleep. I
am sure more boys are likely to keep a watch to see if their testicles
respond likewise.
Q. I am 23 years old. My problem is that my penis does not come out of
its cover. I try hard but there is always pain and I have to stop. On
masturbating also, there is pain. I would be marrying soon and I am
worried because of that. Please advice.
A. You are unnecessarily worried. You just have a tight foreskin which
cannot be pulled back, hence it is painful. It will be the same during
sexual intercourse and in addition, the pressure may tear it. Visit a doctor
who will refer you to a surgeon for a circumcision—a very simple
operation. You will have no problem then.

Q. I am getting married in feb and my fiancée is 24 years old. I found

hair around her nipples. Is this normal? I have never heard or seen
something like this.
A. A few strands are normal. If the hair growth is in excess, see a doctor,
preferably an endocrinologist.

Q. I am a 17 year old boy. Usually, my left testicle hangs below the right
one. Recently, I noticed that they both have aligned and I am feeling
uncomfortable. Also the left part of my scrotum looks watery. I
don’t know what kind of fluid is oozing from the same. Occasionally,
I feel pain in my scrotum, it feels as though someone is rubbing a
broken edge of glass from the inside. Please help.
A. The hanging on testicles is normal. Please see a doctor who will
diagnose the problem, prescribe medication and set this right. He will
have to exclude a hydrocele (fluid collects around the testes or hernia).
He will have to trace the cause of your unusual pain.

Q. I had sexual intercourse at the age of 15. It was done in innocence

but now the thought makes me fearful and I feel I will not be able to
marry. Am I really not fit to marry? What will be the after effects of
this? Was this rape or premarital sex?
A. Perhaps it is society’s fault that it does not recognize the necessity of
imparting sex education to young people so that they are not caught, due
 to ignorance and innocence, in a situation like yours. You have been wise
to share your fears because it must be causing you tremendous emotional
disturbance and you are suffering in silence—perhaps quite needlessly.
Rest assured that you are as fit to marry as any other girl in spite of this
incident. You should forget the past and concentrate on your future,
whether you plan to marry or work, your self-confidence and faith in
yourself will help you. No after-effects could have occurred because of
the incident since you are having regular periods and are quite healthy.
You want to know whether it was rape or premarital sex. Since the
incident occurred before the legal age of consent, it could be considered
rape. You have not given details, but I wonder whether the person was a
close friend or a relative who came to stay temporarily. Parents should
be very careful and not expose their daughters to such situations.

Q. What is the mysterious g-spot in a woman? Can it help my partner

have better sex?
A. Preliminary research suggests the presence of a female genitourinary
structure called the ‘Grafenberg spot’ or ‘G-spot’. This focal point for
sexual stimulation is located deep within the upper front wall of the
vagina, adjacent to the urethra, about halfway between the pubic bone
and the cervix. Evidently, many women can reach orgasm through
stimulation of the Grafenberg spot. After an initial feeling of urinary
urgency, such women experience an erotic sensation with an orgasm
many describe as ‘deeper’ than one attained through clitoral stimulation.
About one in ten women apparently ejaculated a milky fluid from the
urethra after experiencing orgasm through the Grafenberg spot.
Chemical analysis shows this fluid to be different from urine—and to be
high in prostatic acid phosphatase, much like the fluid ejaculated by the
male.

Q. I feel very self-conscious because I am only 5 ft tall. Is there any

method by which I can increase my height?
A. First of all, let me assure you that some of the most vivacious and
popular women in the world have been short. So there is no need for you
to feel self-conscious. Height is governed by a hormone secreted by the
anterior pituitary gland situated at the base of the brain. Growth normally
stops after completion of puberty and there is no safe known method at
the moment to increase height thereafter. If you are under fifteen and
have not completed puberty as yet, there is a chance that you may put on
a few inches if you take a nourishing diet rich in proteins and vitamins,
and make sure you have plenty of fresh air and exercise. Heredity is
another cause to be considered. If one or both of your parents are short,
you too are likely to be short. The intelligent thing to do then, is to
cultivate your personality and not worry. Read good books, make
interesting conversation and people will not even notice your height.

Q. My friend is very depressed because he feels he has a small penis.

Please advise should he do.
A. Penis size is a common concern of teenage boys—and many grown men
as well. Adolescent boys frequently worry that their penises are too
small to satisfy a woman. This concern stems from the myth that the
larger the man’s penis, the more sexual pleasure he gives women. This is
simply not true. The vagina expands to accommodate penises of greatly
varying sizes. During sexual arousal, the opening of the vagina narrows
as the surrounding tissue becomes congested. At the same time, the
inside of the vagina expands, decreasing direct stimulation from penile
thrusting and making the exact size of the penis basically irrelevant.
Further, the inner two-thirds of the vagina contains few sensory nerve
endings—while there is a rich concentration of such nerve endings at the
vaginal entrance. A teenager may begin worrying when he observes that
his flaccid penis is smaller than his friends’ penises. However, his erect
penis is probably roughly the same size as theirs. Smaller flaccid penises
usually double in size, while larger flaccid penises may increase only 80
per cent. Thus the great variation in the size of flaccid penises tends to
even out when they’re erect.
Q. I am 21 years old. I have been ejaculating semen from last 9 years.
Yearly there are 175 to 200 falls. So by doing exercise and yoga will
the sexual life after marriage be ok? Will it give a healthy birth? plz
suggest my penis is around 8cm. will it be sufficient length?
A. There is no need to keep a calendar of the event. All will be well except
your knowledge—either surf the Net or see a sexologist.

Q. My penis is small only four inches at erection. Am I normal?

A. Most men believe that their penis is smaller than normal. They steal
anxious glances at other men in restrooms and then look at themselves
disappointedly. To start with, their worries are usually unfounded. It is
well accepted that a small penis becomes much larger when it stiffens,
and a large penis only becomes slightly larger when it stiffens. Thus,
when filled with blood, in a stiff, sexually aroused, erect state, the
difference is not so great. The most important thing is that the size of the
penis does not matter to the woman. Furthermore, for a majority of
women, the presence of the penis in the vagina plays a very small part in
the degree of enjoyment they derive from intercourse. For the man, on
other hand, the sensation of the penis inside the vagina is much more
rewarding.

Q. I heard from my friend that there will be much pain and blood from
penis during the first intercourse. I had it and didn’t feel any of
these. Is there any problem with me, will it affect my future in any
way?
A. Your information is false. No harm comes to the penis at the first or any
intercourse. When the foreskin (the skin over the front part of the penis)
is tight and does not slip back easily, it may tear and bleeding will then
occur. If, during a bath, the person gently slips back the skin and cleans
the area with soap and water, then this is not likely to occur. If the skin
does not slip back, see a doctor who may recommend removal of the
skin. The minor operation is known as circumcision.
Q. I have been married for 9 yrs and have a five year old child. From
the beginning, intercourse has always been painful for me. I think
my husband’s foreskin does not pull back, and that causes me pain.
I have no desire to have sex with him. Please help
A. Why not see a gynaecologist who will locate the cause of the pain? If it’s
at the opening of the vagina, a local anaesthetic like Xylocaine can be
applied around the opening and a wee bit inside, kept on for fifteen
minutes and then wiped clean before sex. If your husband has a tight
foreskin, I am sure he is experiencing pain too. It’s best if he consults a
urologist to see if something can be done.

Q. I always feel like peeing after sex. I read somewhere that its actually
a good idea to empty one’s bladder post intercourse. Why is this
recommended?
A. The urinary and vaginal openings being so close together, an infection
after intercourse is possible. A good habit is to relieve yourself, even if it
is just a few drops, soon after sexual activity to prevent infection. In
addition, keeping the urine acidic (to kill bacteria) by drinking fresh
lemon juice also helps.

Q. I am 23 year old man. My breasts are large and swollen like a

woman and cause me much embarrassment. I try to exercise but my
body is not muscular. I also suffer from hair loss. What is wrong
with me?
A. Breast enlargement occurs commonly in men at puberty but as the
female hormone subsides so do these changes. At times they remain
enlarged. You could either live with them and not worry about what
people think, or visit a cosmetic surgeon to set it right.

Q. I am tall and big made. My wife to be is short and slim but very
pretty. I am worried that my penis will be too big for her passage.
How can I be sure?
A. You need not get worried. The vagina into which the penis is inserted is
capable of considerable expansion in both length and width. It can
accommodate penises of greatly varying sizes during sexual intercourse
and expands enormously to allow the passage of the baby during
childbirth.

Q. My penis is about six inches long when erect. However, its head is
shaped like a big mushroom. My wife doesn’t allow me to have sex
with her. I have had similar experiences with other women too. No
woman wants to have sex with me for the second time.
A. You are in a difficult position. See an andrologist (a specialist who deals
with male sexual problems) for advice. In the meanwhile, instead of
penetrating, you can rub your penis over your wife’s vagina and vulva or
between her thighs to help her reach orgasm.

Q. A few days ago, while peeing in the men’s room, I happened to see a
friend’s penis. It was bent at a 60 degree angle. Is this normal?
A. Were you face-to-face when measuring the angle? I suggest you worry
about your own angle and stop peeping.

Q. I am 23 yrs old male from Bangalore. My testicles have become very

loose and whenever I sit on the bike and on chair my whole penis
and testicles pains a lot. I am not able sit due to pain. The sperms
count is decreased, the penis size is shrinked m it looks like sum 5
yrs kid penis size. The symptoms are premature ejaculation. I kindly
request you to please give an appointment where I can meet you for
consultation.
A. Nothing like what you write can happen. When you sit, your scrotum
with your testicles move forward, so stop worrying. See a doctor who
can deal with such problems. What is your sperm count? Has it been
checked? See a urologist.

Q. I am a 21 year old man and my weight is 95 kilos. Whenever i am

nervous, my penis retracts inside my abdomen. After i calm down,
 the penis returns to its normal position. Why is this happening?
A. Your penis is not going inside your abdomen but hiding under the
spacious layers of pubic fat. In any case, why do you worry as long as it
returns to do its duty?
 2
THE BEWILDERING GROWING-UP YEARS

Teens and Youth

Q. Why don’t my parents understand me anymore? They are always

nagging me.
A. Yours is not an exceptional problem. Almost all teenagers undergo a
phase similar to the one you are experiencing. It is unfortunate that most
parents find it difficult to change and, like their parents before them, tend
often to be over-assertive and autocratic. However, you must try to
understand that they have a point of view just as you do. Their thinking
is naturally influenced by the rigorous modes of behaviour instilled into
them during their own childhood and, in turn, youth at this age tend to
overdo things and it is possible that the manner in which they behave is
opposite to the normally prevailing manner. A family can reach an
amicable solution by trying to understand one another’s attitudes. It is
difficult for your parents to accept that their child who had hitherto led a
sheltered life and readily accepted their guidance, now demands
independence and wants to appear grown-up in the choice of friends,
manner of dressing, the freedom to come and go as he pleases. In
particular, your expression of opinions may seem to them to be highly
critical of people and ideas.

Q. I am a school boy of 13 ½ years of age. I have started passing a white

fluid while I am asleep, I am getting weak. Please advice.
A. At puberty the testicles start making the male seed or sperms. The
semen, combined with other secretions, is a milky-looking liquid and
 comes out of the penis in three different ways. The first, during sleep as
described by you, is called a ‘wet’ dream or nocturnal emission. Second,
semen leaves the body when the penis has become stiff through sexual
excitement caused by masturbation which is self-stimulation by handling
the genitals, so that a little may ooze out without the person being aware
of it. The third is the sex orgasm or ‘climax’. With stimulation, sexual
excitement grows until the muscles around the testicles and the penis
work rhythmically to force the semen out. This is called ejaculation.
Loss of semen through a wet dream, masturbation or sexual intercourse
is a perfectly natural, harmless thing; no physical harm can come from it
and it is definitely not weakening.

Q. I caught my 13 year old boy masturbating. When I confronted him

he told me he had been doing it for the last three or four years. He is
shorter than all his classmates, but already has facial hair. Will his
growth be stunted due to masturbation?
A. I hope you did not make him feel guilty. Masturbation does not affect
any part of the body or growth.

Q. I am a 14 yrs old boy. me and my friends have some queries. will you
help us out? Yesterday, 1 girl from my class collided with me. That
time, her hand touched in between my thighs .suddenly my that
organ became so straight and hard that it could be seen from my
pants. How did it happen?
A. At this age your sex pleasure centre in the brain has not developed a
control so what has happened is quite normal. Perhaps you should
always carry a cap to help you in such situations.

Q. I am 16 and I feel depressed and moody and want to keep to myself.

Is this normal?
A. Whether you are male or female, this is a period when your moods will
change rapidly. Have you noticed that there are times when you are
bubbling with laughter or are on the verge of tears without any apparent
 cause to provoke these mood variations? Because of the rapid changes
within your body and the consequent emotional reaction, you have a
natural inclination to withdraw from all problems and therefore from
others. This is where your inner urge to seek human company can help
you greatly. You must will yourself to take part in the social activities of
your school or college, such as dramatics, and health activities like
swimming and athletics. There will be a strong natural desire to read
love stories and erotic books. Though there is no particular harm in this,
to do so exclusively tends to make escapism attractive, reduces the will
to face your daily problems and limits your mental horizon.

Q. We are 16 and both live in the same building. Recently we have

become sexually active and now want to know that if without
intercourse if the semen comes in contact with the vagina can a
pregnancy occur.
A. Both of you are legally underage and should carefully consider what you
are doing. There is every possibility that your parents will soon come to
know and all hell will break loose after that. If semen touches the vagina
there is every possibility that a pregnancy might occur. I suggest both of
you get better educated regarding sexual matters. Wait until she is at
least eighteen and you too are older; till then be good friends.

Q. I am in love with a boy who is 24 yrs old. Whereas I have completed

16 years. Will it be advisable for me to marry him inspite of this 8
yrs difference. Please advise.
A. Many say love is blind. But by law you have to wait at least two years—
till you are eighteen—before you can marry. Yours is an age where you
are still making up your mind and what is good today may not
necessarily be good tomorrow. The age difference will not matter if two
mature, thinking people make up their minds to marry. It is best therefore
to widen your circle of friends and give yourself the opportunity to meet
others.
Q. I am a boy of sixteen and my girlfriend is nineteen. I am madly in
love with her. We usually have sex at her house as her parents are
abroad. She lives with a servant. Whenever we have intercourse she
will be in control. After sex she will ask me to kiss her feet. When I
kiss them she will say to lick them. I am afraid of losing her so I do
everything she says. I lick her feet each time she says so. But now
she urges me to lick her arse and between its cracks which I think is
dirty. I need advice doctor.
A. At sixteen, being initiated into sex is exciting and pleasurable. Many
young people of your age also enter into relationships without thinking
of the consequences that may follow. Being madly in love does not
overcome the fact that she is already three to four years older than you
and from the way she treats you, it seems she is using you as an
instrument to achieve her pleasure and wishes. Love calls for much
more. It is a mutual relationship involving two people. Any relationship,
including a sexual one, needs the consent of both partners. If you do not
like it, you should express it and tell her so. Sex play as you describe it is
indulged in by couples all over the world but practices such as anal
licking are dangerous. You can get an infection from worm infestation or
dangerous virus-induced diseases. It is better to avoid this activity.

Q. Regularly a week or ten days before my period is due, I get pimples

on my face. Is there any relation between the two?
A. The pimples described by you may get worse three to ten days before the
start of a menstrual period. This is only one of the symptoms that may
occur. Other common symptoms are general tension and irritability,
depression and anxiety. The imbalance of the sex hormones, oestrogen
and progesterone, is likely to be responsible for bringing about the
disturbance of the delicate mechanism which controls water balance in
the body. Water, as is well known, constitutes more than 70 per cent of
our weight.
Q. I am a 17 year old girl and my boyfriend is 17 as well. our
relationship has been 4yrs complete. So we are planning to have sex
. . . i have these questions . . . please answer them for me.
1. do precautions like condoms and i-pill work?? 2. When can the
condom tear?? 3. If we forget to use a condom will i-pill be enough
to stop pregnancy??? 4. We both are doing it for the 1st time . . . will
it hurt while intercourse. 5. I am scared sir, how can i overcome it?
6. i want this to be special sir, what can i do in the act? Well, that’s
about my questions sir.
A. First, both of you are underage so I advise you to wait for another year at
least. Think before you act, be thoroughly knowledgeable about sexual
matters. Regarding your queries 1, 2 & 3 if a condom is past its expiry
date or is kept in a wrong place like a purse it can damage the condom.
The i-pill is not 100 per cent safe, neither is a condom, but they are much
better than nothing. 4. The first intercourse can be painful for the female
but bearable if preceded by a lot of foreplay. 5. You will be less scared if
you are well prepared and who is not scared before a new adventure? 6.
Loving, caring and sharing is all that is required.

Q. I am an 18 year old. Whenever I visit the washroom, a bad odour

emanates from my vagina. My jeans reek of it. At times, a whitish
substance gets stuck to my panties. What do I do?
A. You either have a vaginal infection or are not careful to clean yourself
after urination. Wear fresh clothes daily. Avoid underwear that is
synthetic.

Q. I am 18 and my girlfriend is 17. We get a little physical, yet she

complains I am not romantic. What should I do?
A. Sing to her like Romeo did. Neither of you should venture any further
till twenty-one years of age.

Q. I am an 18 yrs old man and am suffering from regular nightfall,

they sometimes even occur thrice a week. I have been eating leafy
 vegetables, still there hasn’t been a change. Will this affect my
health? I heard it makes people mentally retarded and spoil their
face. What are the ways to stop it?
A. Nightfall occurs naturally to all young men. It simply means that the old
sperms are discharged to make space for new ones. Those who
masturbate by self-stimulation do not get it as sperms are then ejaculated
in that manner. Rest assured you are normal in every sense.

Q. My 19 year old girlfriend recently got a Brazilian wax. When she got
her periods this week, she noticed red pimples around her vaginal
opening. Could it be because of the waxing?
A. Stop being a quack, let her visit her doctor. Possibly the pimples are due
to the waxing. Perhaps she didn’t clean herself before getting waxed.

Q. I am 19 and am pregnant. How do I tell my parents?

A. It is unfortunate that you were not careful earlier but now you require
help to deal with the problem. So it is essential that you speak to your
parents and, if you cannot, at least visit a family planning centre. If you
do not delay, it is possible that tablets can be prescribed to you by a
gynaecologist to help terminate the pregnancy. Do not be foolish in the
future. No sex without a condom.

Q. I am a 20 yr old unmarried girl. I have a strange problem.

Whenever I see a handsome man, I feel like having sex with him.
This feeling is accompanied with a white discharge from the vagina
is this normal? Does this happen with every girl? Can you please
help me out?
A. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Fantasy harms no one as long as
you do not throw yourself at him. It is normal. Lubrication in the vagina
is also normal.

Q. I am a college student. When I travel by bus there are men who try
to rub themselves against me. It makes me very uncomfortable, and
 I can feel them breathing heavily. Is there a way to hurt them
without doing any permanent damage?
A. Unfortunately, this is a very common complaint. When possible, react
verbally and complain to the conductor. The public doesn’t help in most
cases. Think before you act, take the advice of a voluntary body that may
suggest some other solutions.

Q. I am a young man of 20 and I am going steady with a lovely girl of

18. Is it natural that I can only manage it once—and I have finished
after three or four minutes? I would like to be able to keep going a
bit longer. I haven’t tried so very much. When I’ve had a bit to
drink, just five beers, for instance, I can keep it much longer. But
still only once.
A. Yes, it’s very common at your age to come more quickly than one would
like. It’s also common for beer to have a delaying effect and make
ejaculation a bit more difficult— when consumed in such large
quantities, that is. Men who think everything rests on physical powers
are hopelessly naïve and really are ‘lousy lovers’. If you wish to delay
the moment of your ejaculation, it is a matter of training. It can be done
this way. Both partners concentrate on titillating the man just to the point
of orgasm. A man can clearly sense when he’s just about to come. When
he does so, he makes a sign and they both stop. In a little while, they
carry on again. Then they stop again, and then continue. Now and again
something will go wrong and he’ll ejaculate anyway; gradually he’ll get
better and better. Thus comes the final phase when he finds himself able
to wait for her till her orgasm is about to happen, so that they can
achieve simultaneous orgasm. Of course, when he notices her excitement
mounting, this in itself will excite him and make it more difficult to hold
back his ejaculation. But this too, is a matter of training.

Q. I am just out of my teens, we have been married only six months.

Both of us do not want a baby for at least three years. My mother-
 in-law is persistent that we should have a baby now. What is your
advice?
A. Having a baby is both a pleasure and a great responsibility. Deciding
when they are ready to start a family should be the couple’s personal
choice based on sound reasoning as opposed to the purely traditional
views as expressed by your mother-in-law. After all, a couple must
consider many practical factors. Will the coming of the baby affect your
husband’s plans and ambitions for his future? Do you have adequate
finances? Have you a home of your own or would you be comfortable
with the baby in a joint family? If you are a working woman, how would
this affect you emotionally and financially? Generally doctors
recommend that a couple start a baby within two years of marriage, so
that if there are any factors that prevent conception, corrective measures
can be taken at an early stage. Since you are very young, you can wait
longer if you desire. The conception can be terminated by injecting
tablets if reported in time. To ensure that you use the most suitable
contraceptive method, consult your doctor or visit a family planning
clinic. I would advise you to discuss the subject frankly but
sympathetically with your mother-in-law.

Q. Between the age of 20-25 years is it ok to watch blue films to educate

myself sexually, or should I try to get some practical experience.
A. Blue films are not a proper source for sex education as they exaggerate a
great deal. And neither is having sex. It’s best that you visit the search
engines on the Internet or see a sexpert.

Q. I am 27 years old. I’m committed to my girlfriend. I touch her

private parts whenever we meet while she rubs my penis till I
ejaculate. We do not want to have sex before marriage. So will this
oral sex affect our future? Will the sperm count be the same and can
we have the same sexual pleasure after marriage? Please confirm
this.
A. What you both are doing is manual handling, not oral sex. It is quite safe
and will not affect you both in any way in the future.

Q. Before I have intercourse, I go to the loo to urinate. However even

after I have urinated and cleaned properly, the urine keeps trickling
drop by drop during foreplay and my girlfriend finds it irritating
while performing oral sex since the urine keeps coming out drop by
drop.
A. Possibly it is not urine but the lubricating fluid secreted by special
glands when a male is excited. Collect it and send to a pathologist for
examination. The excess may be caused by a mild infection.

Q. I have nightfalls and it seems pretty bad in home. How do I prevent

it?
A. You have not mentioned your age but I presume you are a young man.
At puberty the human body starts producing sperms in the testes (balls).
It is learnt that approximately 17,000 sperms are produced every minute.
Their only purpose is to meet the female egg during intercourse and start
a pregnancy. If this is not possible, the old sperms have to be thrown out
to make space for the new ones. This is what you are experiencing, and it
is absolutely normal.

Q. My elderly aunt tells me not to take a bath during my periods and to

abstain from all house-work. What hygiene do you recommend?
A. For ages, in almost all communities in India, custom decreed the woman
to be ‘unclean’ during her menstrual period. The origin of the custom
probably lay in the belief that during menstruation the woman was
unwell and the discharge could contaminate food. Nowadays, with the
development of medical science, a more rational and healthy attitude
prevails. Women are not barred from carrying on their normal activities
nor can working women afford to take days off from work. It is perfectly
hygienic for women to have a daily bath. Some women exude a certain
odour during menstruation, they need to use a deodorant or perfume to
 counter this. The best protection is a sanitary pad worn externally, or a
rolled-up, specially made, highly absorbent, small cotton pad, known as
a tampon which is worn internally.

Q. My boyfriend and i are both virgins but the other night we were
fooling around and decided that it was the right time to have sex.
The only problem was that he couldn’t get inside me because i am
too tight. What should i do?
A. Fooling around has led many young couples to big problems. Before you
attempt sex, think and then decide. Do not have sex without a condom,
this will save you from an unwanted pregnancy and any infection. If you
decide for it then first ask your partner to insert a well-lubricated finger
into the vagina, if it does not succeed, then contact a gynaecologist to
help. It is very unusual for a vagina to be so tight that intercourse is not
possible, unless she has vaginismus.

Q. My husband and I met abroad, when we were students, and we got

married. We were so happy. After two years of returning to India,
my life has changed. I remain very tense and our sex life is non-
existent. The children are also very unhappy. We must find a
solution soon because I cannot stand it any longer.
A. You story rings true for many who marry in the first flush of youth. The
early days of struggle together bring about much happiness but many a
couple drifts apart when the pressure is off. All married couples have
minor disagreements now and again. Very often its start is hardly
noticeable. When this progresses to a stage when disillusionment,
repulsion, bitterness and even vindictiveness take over, it tears apart the
affection which once united the couple. With this, communication
between couples thins out, and very often sexual intimacy becomes
distasteful. If both of you, for old time’s sake, and for that of the
children, calmly discuss your problems and promise each other that
however much the provocation, you will not start an argument, you can
 be back on the road to happiness. Of course, both of you will have to be
much more tolerant, affectionate and understanding.

Q. I saw a bull with three testicles. I wonder if a man can be born with
three testicles. If yes, what can be the consequences?
A. Ask God to make you that bull in your next life so that you can
experience what it feels like. Even if you have three testicles as a human
being, I doubt if you can hide the third one in your jeans.
 3
RELATIONSHIPS

Q. How frequently should we have sex?

A. If sex partners are in general agreement about the frequency of
intercourse, whether it is once a day or once a year, there is no cause for
concern. In the early years of the relationship, it might be four to seven
times a week but as the years pass, it usually comes down to two to four
times a week. In old age almost every couple differs in how often they
should have sex. Couples are unlikely to share identical levels of sexual
desire. Conflicts may develop if one partner wants sex significantly more
often than the other. Traditionally, it has been the husband who wants
intercourse more frequently than his wife. He determines the minimum
frequency, she the maximum.

Q. I will marry soon, I hear from friends that intercourse for the first
time, it hurts a lot for the girl?
A. The first couple of times you have intercourse it might hurt a little, or
you might be sore afterwards. If it hurts, tell your partner you want to
stop for a moment. Try again more slowly and gently. Try a different
position, maybe you could be on top. It is always a good idea to start
foreplay. This will lubricate the vagina and prepare you for the act. You
may ask your partner to insert a finger first. This will help split the
hymen, a membrane just behind the vaginal opening. Slight bleeding for
a short time may occur.
Try using a lubricated latex condom because it’s slippery and less
‘rough’ than skin, and use an extra water-based lubricant. Remember, the
first time is rarely fantastic. It takes time to learn what makes one (and
the partner) feel good.
Q. I am a young man 27, I am going to be married shortly, My problem
is that my fiancée is flat-chested (I came to know this after setting
the marriage) Now I am under great tension. Please advise me. Can
breasts be developed and how? Please answer me.
A. Small breasts in no way affect the other desirable attributes of a woman,
for instance, her hair, her skin, her figure, her intellect and her ability to
satisfy the needs of a husband. She may turn out to be a very good sexual
partner when both teach each other the art of love. If you have a breast
fixation, why did you not note this as one of your requirements before
the engagement? If you are still unable to come to terms with your
‘tension’ and accept the partner for what she is, then have the courage to
break off the engagement. Do not make your partner’s life unhappy
because of your unexpressed wishes.

Q. I am an 18 yrs old girl. I want to know some details about (1)

intercourse. It is necessary that during intercourse each and
everything what you wear should be removed. The number of times
it is done per day. (2) why do they eat sweets, apply perfume on the
first night celebration?
A. Sexual intercourse is part of a couple’s loving, caring relationship. It is
the physical meeting of two persons who should love each other. Sex
alone for mere pleasure is not on the same level as sex out of love.
Foreplay or lovemaking which a couple indulges in is done just before
intercourse. It is not necessary to undress. It is the wish of the two people
involved. Being a natural act, it is logical that lovemaking should be a
joint decision and if one or both partners are shy, they can undress to the
extent that they wish. The number of times will depend again upon the
joint desires. Other reasons may be the level of excitement, the time,
place and moment. Usually the average for most is once but sometimes it
may be often. If you mean why the bride is made up to look particularly
attractive and is made happy in every way, it is obvious that this is an
important day in the bride and bridegroom’s lives. Naturally, it is
expected that the couple will have sexual intercourse. This may or may
 not happen. In fact, it is advised to postpone intercourse for a day or two,
till both partners understand each other better.

Q. Can you please give us tips on First Night?

A. Do not begin your marriage with a rape. Marriages can largely be made
or marred during the honeymoon. A great majority of wives look upon
the honeymoon and particularly the wedding night as the greatest
occasion of their lives. Whatever impressions are made then stay right
through life. That is why it is hopelessly wrong for the husband to regard
the wedding night solely, or even primarily, as an occasion for his own
sexual gratification. If he regards it thus, not only will his own pleasure
be marred, but he will also wound his wife emotionally and their married
life may be adversely affected.

Q. I am getting married shortly and I have been adviced to use a

condom to prevent conception. However I feel shy to ask something
that troubles my mind. For example, when should the condom be
used? Will it not cause some distractions or interruption in the
foreplay?
A. Please get over your shyness because living with ignorance will only
bring you unhappiness in your marriage. Your decision to use a condom
to prevent conception is wise as it is an excellent method, particularly for
newly-weds. Its advantages are that it is safe and sure, precludes the
need for the couple taking any chemicals or drugs, and is always readily
available. Another positive advantage for the newlywed male is that the
condom helps to reduce hypersensitivity of the penis and thus prolongs
the sexual act till hopefully, the female reaches orgasm. The condom is
to be slipped over the erect penis just before insertion into the vagina,
hence it will not at all interfere or distract from foreplay. Many condom
brands are available. Nirodh is available everywhere. More sensitive are
lubricated condoms such as Durex, Kohinoor, Kamasutra and Moods.
Because of their thinness and texture they often overcome the complaint
that some users have of mechanical interference. Also available are
 flavoured condoms and ribbed condoms suitable for oral sex. Check with
the chemist for other kinds.

Q. I am happily married but do not want sex often as my husband does.

Why?
A. It may be because most men tend to rush foreplay, proceeding to
intercourse too quickly. This leaves the wife too non-stimulated to be
within reach of an orgasm. Further, men ejaculate within two or three
minutes of insertion and then terminate their lovemaking. As a result,
many women become sexually excited but fail to achieve orgasm or to
feel satisfied during or after intercourse. Recurrent dissatisfaction leads
to less sexual interest for the woman. To avoid frustration, a woman
unconsciously avoids becoming sexually excited—which she may
attribute to being too tired, too busy, and so on. Her husband may resent
her for being ‘cold’ and unresponsive. Conversely, if the wife finds
intercourse a pleasurable experience, it is likely to be satisfactory for
both partners. The more positive her attitude, the more often she’s likely
to make love.

Q. I am 28 yrs old and get prolonged erections. My wife and I have

always enjoyed a healthy sex life, but off late, due to some unknown
reason, my wife doesn’t want to have sex with me. I don’t want to
cheat on her so I want medication that will suppress my desire for
sex. Please advise.
A. That’s quite a decision to take. Instead, patiently find out the reason for
her decision. Is it something to do with you, or has she taken up
medication and prayers? Consult a psychiatrist or gynaecologist as
required.

Q. Is it natural, perverted or immoral to kiss a woman’s clitoris with

your tongue in the course of love making? And for her to do the
same thing to the man’s genital organs? It’s very titillating and
arouses strong feelings?
A. It’s widely practised during foreplay and considered normal, commonly
termed as oral sex. It should be done safely with a trusted partner and if
there is any doubt, the male should wear a flavoured condom.

Q. If i try to introduce an imaginative new sexual experience, my lover

will think i’m a degenerate.
A. It depends upon what the imaginative new sexual experience is. If you
have in mind fornicating with a monkey or inviting the neighbours over
to watch, then your lover may have a valid point in feeling that you are
an oddball. But if all you have in mind is trying a new position, or
making love in front of mirrors, or dressing up as a slave girl, or making
love in the afternoon instead of the evening, your ideas should be
welcomed for what they are. An attempt on your part to be an exciting
lover and to keep the sexual relationship alive and growing will be
appreciated.

Q. My friend recommends oral sex, but i don’t know what it means!

A. ‘Oral sex’ means that the female partner takes into her mouth the penis
of the male. It is also known as fellatio. If the male puts his lips, mouth
or tongue to the female genitals, it is known as cunnilingus. Oral sex is
practised by many couples during foreplay to bring about greater
excitement. It is not harmful if hygiene is maintained.

Q. Why does my wife prefer lovemaking in the dark?

A. Men find visual stimuli very erotically exciting, far more than women
do. Women enjoy body contact (kissing, fondling at an unhurried pace)
with verbal endearments. The absence of visual stimuli, due to the
darkness, permits a woman to fantasize freely, usually thoughts of
physical contact with a man she loves. In addition, many women have
embarrassing ideas about their genitals which is a result of being told
throughout their childhood about the need for modesty. Too often they
are unable to shake off these attitudes in marriage and feel ashamed of
letting the husband see their private parts.
Q. We have been married for one year but my wife does not respond to
my lovemaking and she tells me she does not get excited. I am very
keen that she enjoys sex as much as i do. Can you suggest how I can
help her.
A. Feeling cold or unresponsive when having sex could be due to one or
more of a variety of reasons: not being attracted to the partner, having
angry or other unresolved feelings towards the partner, feeling uneasy or
negative about sex in general, not being sufficiently aware of one’s own
sexual response to know how to obtain pleasure, fear of sexual intimacy,
fear of being inadequate sexually and of losing your partner as a result.
There are no easy or magical solutions to this sort of a problem.
Resolving it entails determining which of the above or other reasons
apply, and then going about dealing with them. If your wife is fearful or
guilty about sex or is repelled by it, she needs to begin to talk about these
feelings with you or with friends or a therapist in order to better
understand them and perhaps resolve them. If she does not know how to
give her own body pleasure, she needs to learn how to do that through
masturbation. Masturbation can be very helpful in learning about sexual
response, so that she can in turn communicate this knowledge to you and
you can give her the sort of stimulation she needs. Everyone is a little
different sexually and therefore we need to educate one another about
ourselves. With relaxation, a positive attitude and proper stimulation, she
should begin to feel warmer during sex. Many men and women have
fears or attitudes about sex that interfere with a pleasurable response.
Obtaining pleasure in sex requires understanding and resolving some of
the fears and problematic attitudes and then learning about your own
sexual response with a partner. This process should not be rushed and
occurs best in a relaxed atmosphere of caring and trust with a partner.

Q. We have recently started sex together and find it painful. Please

advise us.
A. Both men and women can experience pain on intercourse, technically
known as dyspareunia. There may well be a medical reason for this. If
 the man’s foreskin is too tight, it can hurt when he becomes highly
aroused. A simple ejaculation is very rare and also has a medical cause.
In women, pain can be caused by pelvic infections, internal scarring, or a
number of other problems. If either of you suffers pain on intercourse,
having a full medical checkup is the first step. Some women find that
intercourse is uncomfortable only in certain positions, perhaps with deep
thrusting. Sometimes a woman experiences pain on intercourse because
she is not sufficiently lubricated. This can happen in later life. If the
woman is otherwise aroused, using a lubricant will often solve the
problem. It is more often the case, however, that the woman is not
lubricating because she is not sufficiently aroused. She is saying ‘Yes’
when her body is saying ‘No’. In these cases, the sensate programme
taught by a sexologist is most useful.

Q. My husband wants sex very frequently. I cannot cope up with his

desire, what should i say to him so that he does not bother me so
much?
A. There can be many answers or reasons for this state of affairs. You might
like to tell him, ‘Help make it as enjoyable for me as it is for you or you
improve the quality and I’ll improve the quantity.’ However, wives do
not respond like this because between them they have never established
good communication. In your case it may reflect the difference between
your energy and fatigue levels and that of your husband’s. If this is so,
request your husband to share some of your household chores so that you
are less tired. Your husband also is not sensitive about the timing and
initiates sexual activity without foreplay or much before the children are
asleep or at the end of a depressing day for you. Why not have sex in the
house when both of you are relaxed? Try and discuss the matter with
your husband and come to a mutual understanding.

Q. We do not use any birth control method. I discharge my sperm

outside. I am worried that it may have some adverse effect on my or
my partner’s health. Should i stop?
A. What you practise is known as ‘coitus interruptus’ in family planning
language. Even when practised for many years, it will not have any ill
effects. This should not be adopted if you discharge rapidly after entry
because at most times when the woman is about to reach satisfaction, the
man withdraws. This can be very frustrating.

Q. I am 28 year old man and i married just 4 months ago, while the
first intercourse i met with a failure and since then i am feeling
afraid of it and hence avoiding it. But i very much want to do it.
Please suggest me some way to overcome this situation.
A. I do not think that there is any man who can claim he has never failed—
so why are you so negative about it? Your wife is your friend and
companion and is there to help you. Talk to her about your fears. Also
try a different position. I would suggest you see a sexologist.

Q. I am 28 years old, and i want to have sex with my boyfriend.

However, it takes a lot of work for me to get horny. It usually takes
as long as 30 40 minutes. Within this time, my boyfriend loses his sex
drive, is there a tablet i can have before we have sex so that it can up
my libido instantly?
A. Getting sexually aroused is not like having instant coffee. I suggest you
fantasize before you meet him so that you are already halfway there and
prepare for the act.

Q. I am a 24 year old woman. I got married last year. My husband is

29. We lead a healthy sex life and have sex almost every day,
excluding the days when i am menstruating. The problem is, after
every session my husband wants to know whether i am completely
satisfied, he persists on asking again and again. What can i do to
convince him?
A. Devise a signal like a kiss and let him understand that when you kiss
following completion, it means that you are satisfied.
Q. I am a 35 year old woman. My woman friend is 45 years old. I do
not have a good sex drive but she likes to have sex frequently. Does
the urge to have sex increase after menopause?
A. Freedom from contraception and the burden of bearing children may
make women more enthusiastic.

Q. I am 38 years old and have been married for the last 14 years. My
wife and i enjoy a healthy sex life. However, over the last few years, i
have been fantasising my wife with some of our common
acquaintances and that thought excites me. Initially my wife did not
like the idea, role-played for my sake. Now even she has started
enjoying it. Is our behaviour abnormal?
A. Fantasy can be overdone. Use this technique sometimes. Action fantasy
is a known method during foreplay.

Q. My wife is 30 and i am 32. We have been married for nine years and
have a child. She works in a school and has friends aged 23 - 45
years and i too know most of them. We have a good sex life. Of late
while having sex she wants me to fantasize about any of her friends,
this turns her on and she behaves as if i am having sex with her
friend and we both enjoy the act. Every time we have sex, it is
always a different friend of hers. Is this okay? Like her do all
women think this way?
A. There are many ways of enjoying a sexual episode and fantasy is
common among them. So long as it is not translated into action there is
no harm. Many do not have as many sexy friends as she has.

Q. We have a good physical relation and have always indulged in

foreplay from day 1.there has been no intercourse between us till
date. We were mentally upset with various reasons around us and
have since january 2012 moved into a separate home. We have been
trying for sex but strangely we see it does not arouse for either of us.
I am 33 and my wife is 24. Please advise.
A. Since you both have a good physical relationship and presumably you
have morning erection and erection at masturbation, you need to sort out
your psychological problem. Is your stress bothering you? Both of you
should see a sexpert to help you come to a solution.

Q. We are married for the past 17 years. Initially my wife did not show
any interest in sex. For the past three years, i started licking,
rubbing her clitoris by finger and she became an addict to that.
Everyday she wants that. Shall i continue. Will she face any nerve
related problem. While licking, she asks me to insert my finger
inside her vagina and enjoys a lot
A. The clitoris is her penis and what you are doing is satisfying her
equivalent to your masturbation. No harm, carry on and keep her happy.

Q. What part of a woman’s body should i kiss or caress first to get her
excited?
A. Next you will ask me to accompany you on a date. Kiss wherever she
allows you to.

Q. I am 32 year old woman. I don’t like my partner having sex with

me, nor indulging in oral or anal sex. We enjoy good foreplay but he
says i am boring and unadventurous when it comes to sex. I am
afraid my future husband will also get bored of me. What should i
do?
A. You have the right to enjoy sex. If you are not, consider a change of
partner, preferably a husband. Worry when there is cause for worry.
Maybe you need to modify your likes and dislikes so that he is more
satisfied.

Q. I am a 29 year old woman and have been happily married for five
years. I enjoy love making with my husband. I have fantasised about
receiving oral sex, but don’t know if telling him is the right thing to
do, should I? And how do I bring it up?
A. During foreplay, guide his head to your vagina and tell him. I think he
will be happy to. Occasionally misconception by the husband makes him
stay away. You should wash after urination and maybe a spray of
perfume may help.

Q. I am 37 years old, and my wife 32. We enjoy sex twice a week though
i’m not satisfied with this frequency. I’m also addicted to
pornography and watch videos on my phone every day in the
bathroom. I have had a talk with my wife about having sex more
often but she thinks i have a sickness due to the videos. Is my
behaviour normal or is it wrong to want more sexual release?
A. Since you are porn-addicted and then wish to have sex, your wife has a
point. Talk to her. I am sure if you paid more attention to her, she will
agree, provided you lessen your bathroom episodes.

Q. My wife and I use only the missionary position. She thinks other
positions are not natural. What do you advice?
A. Variety is the spice of life, so also different positions liked by both
partners make life more enjoyable. Missionary position was the result of
narrow-minded religious leaders who insisted on this position only.
Earlier the South Sea Islands enjoyed sex doggy-style. There might be a
possible improvement if you visit the Internet and read to her the
benefits of other positions to keep up the interest.

Q. A friend of mine said that I will last longer during intercourse if I

apply a special ointment to the head of my penis.
A. No. Your friend was talking about an anaesthetic cream which is
supposed to reduce sensation and delay ejaculation. This is not the
proper way to develop control over ejaculation. Becoming aware of the
sensations is the most important thing. Also, such ointments can rub off
on the woman’s clitoral area, reduce her sensation and diminish her
pleasure.
Q. I am a 25 year old married man. My wife is not interested in oral
sex, but i am. She thinks it will affect our health. Do indian couples
indulge in oral sex?
A. Persuade her but don’t force her. You run the risk of losing a chunk of
your organ if you do! On a more serious note, I want to ask you, do you
pleasure her through oral sex? Oral sex, whether done on men or women,
is harmless as long as your privates are clean. Remember that marriage
is an equal partnership. Don’t run the risk of spoiling your happiness for
something as minor as this.

Q. I am looking for a way to spice up my sex life. Are props and toys
advisable for an average couple married for eight years?
A. Sex toys are banned in India. You could take a holiday to the East and
find them there, or you could buy a massage set and use your fantasy
skills, or simply take a holiday and convert what you think is a chore to
positive pleasure for the next seventy years.

Q. I am a married woman and my problem is that whenever my

husband and I begin to make love, I lubricate excessively, so much
so that it often becomes difficult for us to have intercourse, is there a
solution to this problem?
A. It is natural that when a woman gets sexually excited, she lubricates just
as a man gets an erection when excited. Excess lubrication may be due to
a minor infection of the cervix. You need to visit a gynaecologist. In the
meanwhile, wipe off the excess with a clean towel.

Q. I am a 30 year old woman married to a 30 year old man. Ours was a

love marriage and while there was some sex before we got married,
for the past 2 years since we got married, there has been nothing. I
knew he didn’t have a high libido but this is zero. My husband says
it’s not important to him and he will make the effort only when we
plan for a child. This is not what I signed up for and my patience is
 wearing thin. He refuses to come with me for counselling. What can
I do?
A. It is difficult to understand why he has such a wrong idea of a loving
relationship. Try stepping forward and start kissing and offer foreplay
and see how he responds. Take the help of a common friend and try and
persuade him to see a sexpert.

Q. There has been a lot of stress on our marriage which is mostly due to
our hectic work schedules and the fact that we are staying in a joint
family. We love each other a lot, but off late we are not getting
intimate with each other. I need your help/consultation with respect
to the two problems. Please suggest a way forward.
A. That is a common urban problem. The best you can do is to save every
opportunity to be by yourselves. Take periodic nightouts at decently
priced resorts.

Q. My husband feels he wants to make love to me two or three times a

week, but he just doesn’t grasp the fact that I need to be warmed up,
a bit first. He warms himself up until he has got an erection. Then
he gets going- and, as you can imagine, it doesn’t take him long
before he’s finished. I have tried talking to him about it many times,
but it never does any good. On the contrary he hints that I must be
perverted. I can’t be bothered anymore.
A. In many men the ego prevents them from learning the art of making
love. In their ignorance once they see their erection, they hurry till
ejaculation, caring little that a female’s excitement builds up slowly;
therefore, foreplay with kissing and hugging is essential before
intercourse. It’s astonishing that right in the middle of an era of
pornography and sex so much stubborn, blind ignorance should still
exist. I would strongly suggest that you talk to him again and perhaps
help him to locate your sensual spots. Alternatively, you should help
yourself by masturbation or using a vibrator at the time he leaves you
incomplete.
Q. I am a 34- year-old woman and have been married for the past 5
years. We had a love marriage, my husband is a Hindu while I am a
catholic. We have two children. I have always had a low sex drive
but now since the past 3 years it is almost NIL. There are specific
days when I feel like having sex but my husband travels a lot hence
we hardly get any time together. Moreover, even when I have a sex
urge, I don’t really enjoy the foreplay and when I don’t have a sex
urge I feel disgusted with sex and intercourse becomes painful. My
husband and I are very happy in every other sense but this problem
is eating into our marriage.
I had a very difficult childhood as my parents could never get
along and would have severe fights. My parents also had sexual
problems. My dad did not want to take any precautions and would
not allow my mom to do any family planning. After four kids in five
years my mom did not want to get pregnant again and hence kept
away from dad.
We also visited the psychiatrist who suggested some medication
which helped as long as I was taking them, but that too was not to a
great extent. I have also heard that Past Life Regression helps. Can
you please suggest a psychologist who deals with Past Life
Regression and give me the contact details?
A. Low sexual desire can be due to many causes. Your family history could
be a contributory factor; also, due to your religious background you may
be conservative in your outlook. Whatever be the cause, the good thing
is that you have realized that you have a problem and are seeking help.
Since a psychiatrist was able to help you for a while, a psychologist
could probably help you also. I understand that there are some specialists
who practise Past Life Regression in Mumbai, please search the Internet
for consultants available in Mumbai. You can visit a sexpert for further
counselling.

Q. I am 32 years old and my wife is also 32 years old. We are married

couples from last 10 years. My wife always ignores for doing sex,
 whenever I go near her for sex, she ignores by telling have get up
early in morning. Does she have affair with other or not liking me?
We have 2 kids, I want 1 more but wife says no. I like to have sex
without condom but my wife never always without condom. Because
of this behaviour I stay far from neither her nor us both talks for
days and days. What is the solution for this.
A. Listen to each other’s views, then come to a solution. If you have two
kids, why have more? Especially in these days of expensive living,
education and so on. It is wrong to behave sullenly; you are just wasting
precious, happy days of your life.

Q. Dear Doctor, how to perform oral sex on wife with protection, we

prefer a medium in between, so what is the best form to cover and
do over it, I know condoms for men, what is there for women so that
I can give maximum with full protection. Thanks a lot.
A. Female to male oral sex is advised with the male using a flavoured
condom. For male to female, so far protection by a female condom has
not been seen as necessary but now, with talk of cancer of the throat
(very rare), you may consider using one.

Q. My husband’s mother died six months ago, and he was depressed

for a month or so and rarely left the house. He seems to be back to
normal in many ways now, but we haven’t had sex since before her
death. Last week I tried to spice things up by cooking a dinner for
two of us and wearing a seductive dress but he seemed oblivious to
my advances and simply went to bed. How can I get my husband
back?
A. Such a case is not entirely unheard of. Some people do get into severe
depression. I would advise you to keep trying as you have been doing.
Also continue to take the first steps to make him realize that his love for
you is very important. I am sure he will respond soon. Should he not,
please consult a psychiatrist.
Q. Our sex life has become routine as both of us do not feel sexy but
love each other. Is there anything wrong with us?
A. You are one of those rare individuals who although in good mental and
physical health, have very little sexual appetite. Sex drives do vary and
there is no reason for you to feel guilty over your lack of interest in sex if
—and that’s a big if—your mate also has an extremely low sex drive and
you are both equally contented. There are very happy couples for whom
intercourse is rare but they are careful to forge bonds of male–female
physical intimacy in other ways. They hold hands a lot, hug, kiss and
cuddle and express their physical affection for each other on a daily
basis.

Q. I am a 22 year old man. I am getting married next week. Is there a

specific sexual position i should try if i want to plan for twins?
A. Even if you and your partner decide to stand on your heads, you cannot
decide that you’ll have twins. Be satisfied, one is enough trouble for
parents anyway.
 4
SEXUAL CONCERNS AND DYSFUNCTIONS

Q. Can a woman become pregnant without sexual intercourse?

A. Yes. It is sometimes referred to as ‘virginal pregnancy’ because it has
occurred even while the hymen is intact. Conception can occur after
heavy petting, when the male discharges his spermatic fluid on the
woman’s thighs or at the entrance to the vagina. A woman in such a
situation should not bear the agony alone but should confide to her
parents; if they do not listen, talk to a close friend and seek proper
guidance and help from a family planning centre or a sympathetic doctor
or a school/college counsellor. If the couple has had unprotected sex,
then before seventy-two hours have passed, take an emergency
contraceptive pill which will, in most cases, prevent a pregnancy.

Q. What is masturbation?
A. Masturbation generally means the stimulation of the sex organs to secure
pleasure and boys as well as girls may indulge in it. Even small babies
touch their own sex organs. This is simply a part of the normal process
by which they explore and learn about their own bodies. Although the
sensation is pleasurable, it cannot be called sexual at this stage and is
best ignored. At twelve to fourteen years of age, the body undergoes
changes which prepare it for sexual intercourse. This stage is called
puberty. Erection of the penis may occur without any cause and the penis
being very sensitive, any rubbing, for instance against the bedclothes,
can give pleasure. If stroked with the hand, the pleasure is intense and
may result in ejaculation. If a boy is ignorant of these facts, he may get
very worried. It is at this stage that he may fall into the trap of newspaper
advertisements of hakims, vaidyas or unscrupulous doctors.
 Of course any silly superstitions he has heard of are all nonsense. This
is a perfectly normal part of growing up. There is no reason to feel guilty
when you have fantasies or daydreams about fantastic sexual adventures.
No physical harm results even if a boy masturbates frequently over a
period of time. You might consider masturbation to be a sort of imitation
of real intercourse. The real difference is that it is entirely self-centred
while real lovemaking is very much a shared experience, a means of
expressing mutual love and a give and take of pleasure and emotional
satisfaction.

Q. Is excessive masturbation or sex harmful?

A. The term ‘excessive’ is a relative one. What is considered to be
excessive by one person may not be so for another. However, the results
—fatigue, weakness or even temporary erection (inability to have or
sustain an erection)—are not serious and will usually right themselves
with moderation. Moreover, our bodies have an inbuilt protective
mechanism which will take over when the limit of physical tolerance is
reduced. You need not worry, but could try discussing this issue with a
counsellor.

Q. I am 23-year-old woman. I am getting married next month but the

wedding date is clashing with my period. If this happens, I cannot go
to the temple. Is there any medicine I can take to postpone the
period and is it safe to do so?
A. Unfortunately, old beliefs persist. The modern view is that menstruation
is a clean procedure and women can carry on with their activities,
including prayers. Please visit a gynaecologist. He/she can give you
tablets to postpone your period. It is a safe procedure.

Q. After I married I learnt that my husband was taking drugs. He tells

me that he takes them because otherwise he cannot have sex. I
persuaded him to stop but now we go for long periods with no sex at
all. Can you help me?
A. A person who uses drugs for sexual stimulation raises many questions
about his masculinity as well as his sexual potency. Some drugs, like
heroin and cocaine, actually reduce or abolish a man’s potency and
ability to have or maintain an erection. You must consult a psychologist
or psychiatrist. He will attempt to show you and your husband ways and
means to get to understand yourselves better, to like yourselves better
and to enjoy life more. The psychiatrist will try to bring him back to
reality (sometimes a long and tedious process) so that love can be
restored in a healthy way.

Q. What is the danger of taking drugs?

A. Drugs lead to addiction. Drugs like hashish, bhang, opium, and other
hypnotic substances can be so addictive that it is very difficult and
painful to give them up. So why take the risk by starting at all? Drugs are
supposed to be a popular ‘fashion’ these days among a few wayward
young people. What begins as a lark may become so persistent that even
the need for food and drink becomes secondary. Gradually, malnutrition
and poor health begin to tell on one’s sense of well-being. More
dangerous are the psychotic distortions of personality which can result in
suicide or violent aggression even against loved ones.

Q. I’m 25 years old male. Can you tell me how can a girl reach orgasm.
In male the sperm will be out, but what will be the case in female.
When I have sex with my girl friend, her vaginal area will be wet
during oral sex. Is this called orgasm in females or are there any
other symptoms which I can confirm myself that she reached
orgasm or not.
A. What you are seeing is lubrication in the vagina which occurs when she
is sexually excited. Just as you tighten your body, start breathing heavily,
have faster heartbeats, utter sounds and then ejaculate, a female too goes
through the same during an orgasm, but does not ejaculate. She gets
lubricated when aroused.
Q. I have a Muslim friend who says he has been circumcised and
because of that he will have more sexual power. What is
circumcision and can I have it done also?
A. Circumcision is a religious procedure and is usually carried out on male
infants, among Muslims and Jews. The end of the penis is covered by a
loose fold of the skin (prepuce) which can be pulled back to expose the
most sensitive part of the penis (the glans). The cutting off of the
foreskin is known as circumcision. Surgically in adults circumcision is
only advised when the skin is too tight and cannot be pulled back,
making intercourse very painful. After the procedure, intercourse
becomes painless. The myth that removing the foreskin increases the
sensitivity of the tip of the penis and thus improves sexual power has
made some men undergo circumcision. Personal hygiene to keep the
discharge known as smegma from collecting under the foreskin is
important. All that is necessary is to gently pull the foreskin back during
a bath and clean the penis with soap and water. If unhygienic habits
continue for a long time, the foreskin can get red.

Q. I am a teetotaler. My friends are forcing me and my wife to take

alcohol. I have heard that it can spoil our sex life. Please answer me
that I can show them I am right.
A. If you do not drink, it is fine. If you have to, take a moderate amount.
Alcoholism often leads to sexual dysfunction in both men and women. In
men, alcoholism typically results in decreased sexual desire and erectile
dysfunction. Some men have problems ejaculating. Alcoholic women
often experience difficulty in becoming sexually aroused. Some report
that they are able to have orgasms less frequently, less intensely, or not at
all. Chronic abuse of alcohol can directly interfere with a man’s sexual
functioning by causing disruptions in the male hormone. Testosterone
production may decrease or stop. Sperm production may decline.
Recovering alcoholics typically suffer from low self-esteem, guilt or
depression—any of which can contribute to sexual difficulties. Marital
discord is common when one partner is an alcoholic. Usually, such
 marriages are characterized by distrust, hostility and poor
communication.

Q. I’m 32 years old and a virgin. I get teased by my friends who have a
lot of experience in bed. They boast about learning from the
experience and this makes me nervous. I always imagine sex was
something that came to people naturally. Will I be good at sex when
I get married despite lack of practice?
A. You can be good if you take the trouble of learning methods of foreplay.
You could visit a sexpert to pick up the different aspects which will
satisfy you and your partner.

Q. I am a 40 yr old man. I have been married for 12 years now but

haven’t yet consummated my marriage. I get an early morning
erection but can’t get one when trying for intercourse. As a result, I
haven’t had sex till date. My wife is extremely supportive. Both of us
have resigned to our fate. But now, I want to give it a serious try.
Please help
A. You have wasted many years of your own and your wife’s sexual life. Of
course a lot can be done. Please visit a sexpert immediately.

Q. I am a 17 year old girl I wanted to know whether excess alcohol can

affect the menstruation recently and incidentally my periods are
delayed. My boyfriend and I indulge is foreplay but were careful. I
am scared. Please respond as soon as possible
A. Extraordinary excitement can delay or bring your periods earlier. If they
are delayed beyond two weeks, have a pregnancy test done. FYI, many
date rapes have occurred when people have been under the influence of
alcohol.

Q. What would you say to me if I confessed that I am unmarried

mother-to-be and that I have become a ‘potaddict’. I smoke hash,
eat barbiturates and drink alcohol. Does all this affect the baby
inside me ?
A. The immature manner in which you consider matters shocks me. Have
you stopped to think of the consequences if you continue to take the
drugs you mentioned for a prolonged period? Regarding your pregnancy,
there are chances that the baby in your womb may be affected. This can
particularly occur in the first three months of pregnancy. Doctors
therefore advise that no drugs should be taken by the mother-to-be unless
absolutely essential. I admire your boldness in being clear that you wish
to have the baby under the best possible circumstances. But you should
make every effort to ensure that your baby has the right home and
environment.

Q. Somebody told me that if I use Xylocaine 2% gel I can increase by

enjoyment time. Will it be harmful if we use it regularly?
A. The action of Xylocaine is to numb all sensation including pain and
therefore it is known as a local anaesthetic. When applied to the penis it
dulls the sensations being transmitted to the pleasure centre of the brain.
Hence it may delay ejaculation. Doctors prescribe it to those who
ejaculate rapidly, either before, at the beginning, or after the act, only
after they are convinced that the nerves around the penis head are very
sensitive and are the cause of the problem. There are other causes for
premature ejaculation. You have to understand that sex is not an
Olympic game but an act where two people mutually enjoy the intimacy
of hugging, caressing, kissing and finally intercourse. If both of you are
satisfied and you have some control over your ejaculation, you should
not use the cream (unless you are clocking how long you are going to
last). If you want to use the Xylocaine gel, see that you use a small
quantity and apply it mainly over the head of the penis. After a few
minutes, wash it off. The effect will last and the washing will ensure that
your partner does not get the cream on her parts which will bring about
an unwanted numbness. My advice would be that you will enjoy yourself
a lot more without the gel, but to add variety, do use it.
Q. I am nervous about everything concerning sex. I have a companion
but due to my nervousness I don’t get an erection on many
occasions. When I am alone I can masturbate with a good erection.
A doctor recommended some pills, and the impotence went away for
a while but it came back. Can you help me in anyway?
A. It is a good idea for you to see a doctor who specializes in genitourinary
problems (urologist) and also knows how to deal with sexual problems
so that you can eliminate the possibility of a medical problem. If
everything is all right physically, it can be assumed that the problem has
to do with emotions or feelings. You say you are nervous about sex—this
probably is the source of the problem. When you are nervous, the
pleasurable feelings leading to erection are overpowered by anxiety. In
order to have satisfying sex, both partners must learn to relax during
sexual pleasure. Your companion and you should discuss your problems
and attempt to create a sexual environment that is free from pressure and
worry. Focus on your positive sexual sensations and fantasies and what
you find erotic about your partner. As your nervousness subsides, I am
sure your body will respond with an erection—the natural response to
physical pleasure. A knowledgeable doctor can also help by counselling,
busting some myths and restoring your confidence in yourself. He/she
may also prescribe some anxiety-reducing drugs to help you with your
own efforts.

Q. I have a problem with premature ejaculation and offlate I have been

having nightfalls. I have been trying hard by not drinking enough
tea and coffee. I have also cut down on high calories food. Somehow
nothing seems to work. Please guide me on this issue as I intend to
get married in a month with my long time sweetheart.
A. Nightfalls will not occur after marriage or if you masturbate. They are
harmless and nature’s way of getting rid of what is not useful at the
moment. During masturbation STOP and CONTROL emotions, and
RESTART. In this way you will get over your premature ejaculation.
You should see a sexologist.
Q. I read on a website that preaches ancient thoughts and practices
that ejaculation by any means (other than intercourse) leads to ‘loss
of aura’ on the face. We lose sperm by masturbating or through
nightfall. Should we stop masturbating?
A. Do you want to believe science or ancient knowledge? Logic can make a
difference to your perspective.

Q. I am a 28 year old man. I took 3 FInpecia 1 mg tablets in the

morning for three continuous days as prescribed by a doctor for
hair loss treatment. Its more than 10 days now since I stopped
taking them. Now I am not experiencing my morning erection.
When will I be normal?
A. Do not take any more. In time you will return to normal, so relax.

Q. I am 31 yr married man. Off late, I have realised that I can’t

ejaculate completely during intercourse. During intercourse,
Ejaculation is initiate only, but do not complete. But, If I masturbate
then I can ejaculate completely. I cant understand why it happens?
Due to this we can’t go for kid? Can you please help us in figuring
out the diagnosis and guide to seek consultation form specific
specialist?
A. You have what is termed as retarded ejaculation. You need the help of a
sexologist to help you overcome this problem.

Q. I am a 28 year old man. My friend told me that if someone

masturbates a lot, their sperms get progressively less active, making
the man less fertile. Is this true?
A. Tell this quack to do his homework.

Q. Dear doctor please help me to know will this cause harm to me? I
did masturbating 2 twice in 40mins m having bad cold, headache.
Please reply fast m very worried will it harm coz I did masturbating
during fever..!!!! Please reply soon doctor
A. No connection between fever and masturbation.
Q. I am a girl of 19 and have been in a habit of masturbating since I
was 13. Every time I indulge in it I feel extremely guilty and a sort of
gloom and depression envelops me.
A. For a girl of nineteen, you should know better. The habit of masturbating
is common and is one of the methods by which nature satisfies the great
urge for sex. It is only when the habit is indulged in to such an extent
that the person excludes other activities that it becomes necessary to treat
it. The irritability and feelings of guilt are a part of the picture. What you
must understand is that you should take an interest in other activities,
both cultural and social, physical exercises and mental effort. The habit
then takes on a secondary role in one’s life and is considered quite
normal.

Q. My penis is crooked presumably because I have masturbated so

much. I will never marry.
A. Your worries are entirely unfounded. All men’s penises are somewhat
crooked. It has absolutely nothing to do with masturbating. The fact that
a boy or man masturbates is completely normal. To be sure all is well,
please see a urologist.

Q. My erections have always been fine, but recently I find it takes

longer and does not sustain. I feel shy to approach my doctor. Please
advise me.
A. My first advice would be to get over your shyness and fear and see a
competent specialist—ask your family physician for one. I know that
taking the first step is very difficult. In fact, 70 per cent of people facing
this problem have been found to put off the complaint for a year or more;
some even live lifelong with it, while others take five to ten years to get
help. The main hurdle is talking openly with the doctor and the fear that
surgery will be required (very unlikely). The good news is that in the last
ten years a number of advances in drugs and procedures has helped to
identify the problem and treat it. Among other things, the doctor would
want to know:
 Are you going through some life stress like job loss?
Do you have a history of depression or some other mental illness?
Do you have a physical problem like diabetes or heart disease?
Do you get an erection in the morning and during masturbation or
with another partner?

Q. I am a 39 year old housewife. I had my uterus removed after a

hysterectomy. My husband is getting frustrated as there is no
friction. Please can you help?
A. The uterus has nothing to do with friction in the vagina. When your
uterus was removed, the gynaecologist must have tightened the vaginal
opening and also strengthened the vaginal floor and roof. Please check
with the gynaecologist. In the meanwhile, start pelvic floor exercises—in
a sitting position, press down as if having constipated motion, then
immediately compress your urine passage, an action you would do if you
were stopping your urine flow midstream. Hold for three seconds.
Repeat several times a day and, when proficient, you can do this during
intercourse as well. Also try different intercourse positions to find one
that is most suitable for him.

Q. I think I have a case of erectile dysfunction. Since past 1 month,

while having sex, my penis looses its stiffness very soon and I’m
unable to perform sex and have to subsequently masturbate myself,
I have also observed that now a days on waking up I also don’t have
the morning stiffness.
A. It would have helped if you had stated your age, as after one’s forties
such incidents do occur. As your problem started a month ago, you need
to look back and identify any event that might have caused it. Since you
can masturbate with the erect penis, you are physically fine. I am sure
that you must have carefully observed an erect penis in the morning;
even if it occurs occasionally, it indicates that you do not have any
serious physical problem. I suggest you visit a sexologist who can help
you. But before that, do check if you have diabetes.
Q. Is orogential sex play in the form of fellatio and cunnilingus only
carried out by humans?
A. No, among primates such as monkeys, baboons and chimpanzees it is
very common. Females of many sub-primate species, including dogs,
lions and rats display oral-genital behaviour.

Q. Hello doctor I am 30, single, I have only one testis, one was removed
during my childhood, my Q is how this will affect my marriage life,
what kind of precautions, I have to take advice me on this.
A. You do not have to take any special precautions. Your sexual urges are
dependent on the levels of the hormone testosterone, which can be
adequately secreted by one testis. If you are physically like a man and
perhaps masturbate and get penile erections and a seminal discharge, you
are okay.

Q. I am 24 year old. I am facing following problem with my partner

during the sex. 1. In-spite of having good foreplay but during
intercourse i reached to my climax within 2 to 3 stokes. 2. about my
length of organ its normal 4 to 5 inch which is okay with me but my
concerned is its width, during sex she does not feel that i am inside
her. The above situations are really embarrassing me a lot specially
thickness of my organ. Can you please suggest some medicines for
both of problem so that i can have healthy sexual life???
A. For premature ejaculation herbal tablets are useful. To address your
concern, try different positions with man on top after entry, put your
thighs on the outer side of her thighs. If not, better see a sexologist.

Q. I am a 37 year old man. Since my wife has started working our love
life has been badly affected by it with us having sex very irregularly.
This has led me to ejaculate very fast. To get back to normal I need
to have a sex regularly. What should I do? Please don’t advice
masturbation.
A. Persuade her to have sex with you early in the morning. Why do you
blame your premature ejaculation? Check with your physician to identify
any problem. Start Kegel exercises; maybe occasional masturbation can
help.

Q. I am 33 yrs old and my wife is 28. We got married 15 days ago. We

have been indulging in sex since last week. My problem is that as
soon as I wear a condom, I lose my erection. I am extremely
worried. What should I do?
A. Open the condom pack and keep the condom ready to wear just before
you enter. Many a time, fumbling to find a condom and trying to open it
reduces the excitement and decreases the erection.

Q. Before I reach my climax I get a headache. Before I visit my doctor I

would like to know more about the cause.
A. Most orgasmic (climax) headaches are benign. The cause may be
excessive excitement or effort during intercourse that may cause blood
pressure to rise beyond normal levels. It has also been speculated that
hormone-like chemicals called prostaglandin which are produced in both
males and females may be responsible. Characteristically, headaches at
orgasm are extremely severe and persistent, and affect both sides of the
head. Usually the headaches last an hour or two, but some sufferers have
a dull ache of the scalp or neck for several days. For most people, the
pain does not occur after every orgasm. To help prevent orgasm-induced
headache, patients are often advised to avoid alcohol before sex. Alcohol
has a tendency to exaggerate enlargement of blood vessels, which may
contribute to the headache. Certainly see your doctor so as to exclude
more severe causes.

Q. What are the possible effects of having anal sex without a condom? I
was just thinking that since the girl can’t possibly get pregnant,
there shouldn’t be a problem. Am I wrong?
A. Totally. There are bacteria in the gut that can give you a severe infection,
for example, a urinary infection.

Q. I and my wife wants to enjoy sex for half an hour. What must we
do? (now we enjoy only for 5 to 10 minutes)
A. You are suffering from the same misconception as many people in the
world. Sex is not an Olympic game, it is an encounter of two loving
people who enjoy touching, caressing, hugging. Sexual intercourse is the
culmination. The average time for sexual intercourse around the world is
two to seven minutes and you are doing better than the average.

Q. I have a terrible problem. I am 26 years old and have a child. After

my delivery my vaginal opening is very large and my husband does
not enjoy sexual intercourse. Please let me know if anything can be
done.
A. A loose and patulous vagina, as stated by you, mars the pleasure of the
couple and there are many couples who continue to suffer in silence
believing that nothing can be done or are too embarrassed to approach
their doctors. If the cause is laxity of the muscles surrounding the vagina,
exercising specially to strengthen these will soon alleviate the situation.
If the opening is wide and loose and cannot be tightened by exercise, a
comparatively simple operation where the muscles that have separated
are brought together can be performed. This tightens the vaginal and
pelvic muscles. In the meanwhile, why not have a frank discussion with
your husband? It is quite possible that adopting a different position will
bring about tightening of the vagina.

Q. I have married a girl of 21 and in two years of marriage have had 2

children, I do not enjoy sex that much because her vaginal passage
has become loose as a result of which marital relations are not
satisfactory. Kindly let me know if there is a cheap remedy to
improve the situation.
A. Please accompany your wife to her gynaecologist who will suggest
exercises for strengthening the muscles of the vagina, provided no tears
have occurred during the delivery. If they have occurred, a simple repair
operation is possible. She should do the Kegel exercise twice a day by
kneeling and bending forward till her elbows are firmly placed on the
ground. She will now be on all fours (elbows and knees). She should
take a deep breath and strain downwards as if passing a hard motion
(stool), and then quickly contract. She will feel a contraction or pull of
the muscles around the front and back of her vaginal passage.

Q. I am 23 years old and have been masturbating for the last 10 years
seven to eight times a week. Sometimes after the ejaculation I feel
pain (lightly) in my penis if it is pressed by hand. I am curious to
know that is there anything serious or it normally happens. Am I fit
for marriage? Please suggest me the way I can leave this habit.
A. Overeating, overdrinking, over-anything can lead to unwelcome
consequences. Similarly the sexual urge which is inbuilt in a person is
primarily meant to satisfy a basic urge and not to provide uncontrolled
pleasure. Inevitably misuse makes the system respond either by loss of
desire, loss of erection or local pain as you are feeling. The answer is to
take yours in hand and use self-satisfaction (masturbation) to satisfy the
urge. This may be a few times a week or more depending upon the
excitement. Fortunately, masturbation does not cause any harm to the
body. The sperms continue to be manufactured and are adequate to mate
with the female egg to form a baby.

Q. My wife does not reach orgasm either by intercourse or

masturbation. What is the problem and how can it be resolved?
A. Female orgasmic disorder is a term given to the difficulty a woman faces
to reach the peak of her pleasure either by intercourse or masturbation or
both. Over the last two decades mass media has publicized orgasm in
such glowing terms that women’s expectations have been raised, not
realizing that orgasm is like a sneeze—it can be slight, medium or very
 strong, varies at times and is not always great. Among the numerous
causes, there could be psychological factors such as fear of failure or
losing control of her feelings, or guilt about enjoying the act. She should
try to help herself, take the help of a friend, her husband or the support
of a sexpert.

Q. I feel a strong urge to have sex with a hot woman. But I don’t have a
girlfriend and I don’t like to masturbate. What should I do?
A. Cool down and masturbate your fantasies away. That is the only outlet
you have. If you don’t like it, you must figure out how to find a
girlfriend.

Q. How long after orgasm can man be ready for intercourse again?
A. There is great variability as to how soon intercourse can be performed
following an orgasm. Some young men can perform again within five
minutes, while others steadfastly maintain that they cannot possibly gain
a second erection until overnight, that is approximately twelve hours.
Usually several hours would be required before a second erection and a
possible orgasm. If the first intercourse is pleasurable and satisfying,
why would you need a second one minutes later?

Q. How can a man work out whether a woman really has had an
orgasm? Or whether she is just pretending because she feels she’s
being difficult, or abnormal, or is afraid I may leave her. What are
the typical signs that a woman has had an orgasm? And how do you
detect if she’s putting on an act?
A. A man can’t. Most women can put on this act very convincingly—and
most of them have either done it or still do it. They do not want to hurt
the ego of their mate when he asks her whether it is ‘ok for her’. You can
make out when a woman is excited by the lubrication of her vagina. To
make out an orgasm is more difficult. Physiologically her body will
become tense and contract, the blood pressure will go up and breathing
will become faster till suddenly there is a release. Orgasm has been
 compared to a sneeze— sometimes it is gentle, sometimes strong or
violent. The same is experienced by a male but in addition he ejaculates
semen.

Q. What can a couple do to achieve simultaneous climax?

A. It is common for a male to come earlier than his partner. While resting,
he can stimulate her vagina with his fingers to complete her act. Since
women, unlike men, can have frequent orgasms (every twelve minutes),
he can make her reach her first orgasm with good foreplay. After resting,
intercourse can begin. Both may reach orgasm together; if the male
ejaculates earlier, she should rub herself against his body, or he or she
could use their fingers.

Q. I am a 19 yr old girl. In my school days I indulged in one bad habit

which I got through a certain book. The habit continued for 3 yrs.
Now the very thought of it horrifies me and I am under constant
tension. My parents are planning to marry me off in a year or two. I
cannot tell them anything. Should I marry? Please help. Whenever I
read about sex, I at once get excited and I always feel that I am
different from other girls or abnormal.
A. Presumably you are talking of masturbation, that is, achieving sexual
satisfaction through self-manipulation. Sexual thoughts and urges
develop and become stronger between the ages of eleven and twelve in
girls. During this time the first menstruation or monthly period occurs.
As society frowns on sexual intercourse before marriage, girls look for
alternative channels to sublimate their desires, for example, into
worthwhile activity or negative attitudes, alcoholism, drugs and so on.
Or, when the urge becomes too strong, some girls achieve satisfaction by
touching their own genitals. There is no harm done either to oneself or
anyone else, therefore there is no reason to feel guilty or to develop
strong anti-feelings towards sexual activity. Read up more on the
Internet.
Q. We are in love for last 3-4 years. The problem is that she feels
burning pains in her vagina when we discuss the sexual activities
over the phone. I advised her to masturbate to get some relief, but
she is scared as she might hurt herself. We never had physical
relations. Please advise.
A. Your advice is correct; there is no reason that she will hurt herself if she
stimulates and caresses her thighs and vulva area till she reaches orgasm.
You could also help her with your hand over her clothes. It is best to wait
until marriage before having sexual intercourse.

Q. I am about to be married but feel depressed and very unsure

whether I can be a good husband because in earlier years I
masturbated excessively. What should I do?
A. Masturbation is an activity that is normally practised by most young
people. It is considered to be one of the steps towards attaining full
sexual maturity. The testes in the male which produce the sperms are
active throughout life and there is no fear of the sperms getting
exhausted. Hence you need not be concerned at all.

Q. I am 34 years old and my wife is 27. We have been married for two
years. Last year she had an abortion and we still don’t have
children. The problem is that I am unable to satisfy her in bed. I do
not get an erection, and often, my penis returns to the flaccid state
after entering her. I am really worried. Please suggest medicines
which will solve my problem.
A. You are probably suffering from a psychological problem which needs
expert attention. Medicines are not likely to help you. Meanwhile, even
if you are not able to have intercourse, start with foreplay so that you can
bring her to an orgasm.

Q. I am a 25 year old man. When I masturbate, I hold by penis very

tight and stop the semen from coming out, so that the bed doesn’t
get dirty. Is there anything wrong with this method? I am worried.
A. You should be. Why do you wish to retain the semen? You cannot keep
it as it has been thrown out by the body.

Q. I am 26 years old. My penis was circumcised when I was an infant.

As a result the head is not a healthy pink, but a brownish-purple in
colour. There are no bumps but tiny white pimples are visible
occasionally. Please suggest some cream or remedy to make my
penis look healthy.
A. The head of the penis is full of pleasure nerves and will give you
enjoyment whatever colour or shade it is. Seek an opinion from a skin
specialist.

Q. I am 25 and masturbate on the pillow. Unfortunately, the other day

our domestic help saw me. Now, when she comes to clean the house,
she likes to have a good sniff of this pillow. Should I have sex with
her?
A. Sniffing the pillow does not mean she wants to have sex with you.
Maybe she is checking whether it needs a wash. The decision is yours.

Q. I am addicted to licking my wife’s derriere and armpits. I read in

your column that licking the anus can cause infection. I’ve seen porn
films where they perform the same act but remain healthy. What
precautions do they take? Can I continue with my fetish?
A. It is your choice. I maintain that the intestine is full of benign and
infectious germs which can easily be transmitted to the mouth. The only
precaution is to ensure the part is thoroughly cleansed with soap and
water. Can you not be satisfied with just the armpits?

Q. I think I suffer from premature ejaculation. I get turned on by the

water dripping from my bedroom AC. I allow the drops to fall on
my penis and I usually come after 12 drops. I think that is too soon.
My ejaculation should at least last for 40 drops. Do you think this is
normal?
A. Remarkable and unique way to find out whether you suffer from
premature ejaculation. It’s better that you see a sexologist; I assure you
that he will not turn on the shower to get to the diagnosis of what is
normal.

Q. I am the world record holder for masturbation (11 times) in a single

day. When I was reading your columns, some other person has
broken my record i.e. (12 times). God is not sending me a girl I can
have a very nice time with. I see sexy girls whenever I go by train or
bus, but why is he not giving one to me? After all, I was not born in
a family where everyone is either from television or a film star.
What should I do?
A. You certainly have your brains in your penis. Apply to the porn industry
and retire in three years as your penis will refuse to co-operate with your
body soon.
 5
CONTRACEPTION AND CONCEPTION

Q. How can a girl tell she is going to have a baby?

A. Most often it is only after sexual intercourse has taken place that
conception can occur. However, one does see tragic cases where
conception has occurred after heavy petting when the male has
discharged his semen over the girl’s thighs. Several signs indicate that a
girl may have started a baby. The earliest signal comes when the regular
periods stop. The symptoms of nausea or vomiting occur; there is
heaviness of the breasts along with occasional whitish discharge, as well
as an increase in the frequency of urination and vaginal discharge. In
such circumstances, it is essential to see the doctor immediately to
confirm the pregnancy. If you are in trouble, confide in your parents; if
they do not listen, talk to a close friend, and seek proper guidance and
help. Doctors are usually sympathetic. You could go directly to a family
planning centre or to your family doctor.

Q. I am into heavy petting with my girlfriend short of putting my penis

inside, I discharge over her private part. Now she is worried because
she has missed two periods and is crying that she is pregnant. Can it
be possible?
A. Bad luck; your ignorance is likely to have made her pregnant. Even
virgins with intact hymens have been known to get pregnant. The term
‘virginal pregnancy’ is used by doctors. The reason for the pregnancy is
that the male sperm is extremely mobile and swims vigorously just like
tadpoles. If the partner has her egg waiting in the tubes connected with
the womb, the sperms can reach and fertilize the egg which then moves
into the uterus to start the pregnancy. Immediately go to a chemist and
 buy a pregnancy test kit and follow the instructions of testing your
partner’s urine. If it is positive, visit a family planning clinic or your
doctor and have the pregnancy terminated (of course with the total
consent of the partner). Medical termination of pregnancy is legal, safe
and confidential and may be successful if done within ninety days from
the last period. It is legal on the grounds that there has been a failure
after use of a contraceptive.

Q. My partner and I indulge in sex quite frequently. But over the past
couple of months, the condom has broken several times while in the
act. Could you please suggest what should we do if the condom
breaks again?
A. The condom should rarely tear if put on properly. Please check the
expiry date; use a well-tried brand and to be doubly sure you may open,
unfold and, holding both ends, stretch and finally blow and balloon it to
check for leaks. The manufacturers do not recommend this procedure as
every condom batch undergoes stringent tests. At times, if the partner is
not excited and dry, the friction could cause the tear.

Q. My partner does not want to use condoms. If I take oral

contraceptive pills, are there any ill effects?
A. As with any other medication, side effects are possible. But the present
pill which contains a minimal amount of hormones—oestrogen and
progesterone—may cause minor side effects such as slight headaches,
giddiness or nausea. Currently it is the most effective and safest method
of contraception. Doctors carefully examine the woman before
prescribing the pills. Should any side effect occur, the doctor has an
alternative pill or family planning method to prescribe. A woman can
start a month or two before her marriage and continue for a few months
till she visits a gynaecologist to decide the most suitable contraception
method. Many prefer a condom.
Q. I am a 23-year-old woman, married for almost a year now. As we
don’t want to take up the responsibility of a child so early in the day,
I am on birth control pills. My question: Is it okay to have sex even
if I miss my pills once or twice?
A. The more pills you miss the greater the risk of becoming pregnant. If one
pill is missed 1) take the missed pill at once, 2) take the next pill at the
regular time; possibly you will have to take two on the same day, 3) take
the rest of the pills as usual, one on each day. If more than one day is
missed, start the pills again but take extra precaution—abstinence or use
of a condom.

Q. I am married for the last three years approximately. We used to

have sex using condoms. Lately we wanted to have a baby so we
decided to have sex without condoms. We realised that the
intercourse had not happened over the years. I am having difficulty
penetrating inside. We are refraining from sex thinking that we
won’t be successful as we are affected psychologically. Our lives
have turned into turmoil. We do try inserting but it just does not go.
I do have a proper erection, my wife also gets excited but just the
intercourse does not happen. Could you let us know how we should
overcome this problem?
A. First use your finger to gauge the direction and feel of the vagina; you
may use two fingers later. Use a lubricant. Take this position: while she
is lying on her back, kneel before her, take her legs over your shoulders
and, with the penis at the mouth of the vagina, penetrate. Try several
times and do not think of failure as it is a physical act which can be
accomplished. If you need help, consult a sexologist.

Q. I am a 21 year old man. If my partner eats papaya after sex, can she
get pregnant?
A. You are a sexually uneducated man. Please do not buy a papaya or any
other fruit because none will help. Instead, please educate yourself on
how to make love, how to wear a condom, and other such matters.
Q. I am 27 years old and married. Although I use condoms as a
contraceptive, I find sex more pleasurable without the same. So, I
have intercourse without a condom. But before I ejaculate I put one
on and continue with the intercourse till climax. Is this method safe
to avoid pregnancy? If not, can you advise an alternative?
A. The chances of pregnancy are high. There is no guarantee that a few
drops of semen will not leak inside the vagina before you put on the
condom. The best method is to use a condom before having sex. The
alternative for you is abstinence from sex. Or, you can continue with
your method and leave it to luck.

Q. I am a happily married man with a four year old daughter. We don’t

want to have another child. Is there any other way to prevent
pregnancy other than using condoms or pills? I recently heard
about sterilisation (nasbandi). Is it safe, and at which hospitals?
A. A gynaecologist will be able to share information about alternative
methods of contraception. Your wife can get a CuT (Copper-T) inserted.
It will prevent pregnancy for five years. A vasectomy (nasbandi) is done
on the male and is safe and simple, and does not affect his sexual ability.
Wait till your daughter is much older. The procedure can be done at a
family planning centre or by a gynaecologist.

Q. I am a 27 year old married man. Where can my wife and I get

fertility tests done? We have been having unprotected sex for a year
and I have ejaculated inside her several times but with no luck.
A. Consult a gynaecologist who will guide you both. In the meanwhile, visit
a pathology laboratory and have a semen test done.

Q. I am a 28 year old man and my girlfriend is 25. We have been

enjoying a healthy and protected sex life for a couple of months.
However, recently, when we were mutually masturbating, I touched
the tip of her vagina with my fingers smeared with seminal fluids.
 Her periods had just ended a day prior. Can there be a chance of
pregnancy?
A. If it was the eighth day, there is virtually no chance of conception. A
universal piece of advice—wash before you touch.

Q. My partner and I have had sex several times. She usually takes an i-
pill after intercourse. We have sex more frequently nowadays, so, I
wish to know if the habit could lead to problems in the future.
A. The pill is meant for ‘emergencies’, not regular use. For that, use a low-
dose hormone pill. The emergency pill contains a high dose of the
female hormone. It’s best if she visits a family planning counsellor or
gynaecologist.

Q. I am a 29 yr old man. My wife and I have the same blood group.

Will it lead to any problem during pregnancy? What is the fertile
period?
A. Similar blood groups both with the same Rh do not interfere with
conception or delay it. The most fertile period is around the mid-cycle,
counting from the woman’s first day of period.

Q. What are the best days to have intercourse and what are the pills
that can be used to avoid pregnancy?
A. Every day is a good day for intercourse. Use a contraceptive and you do
not need to worry about unwanted pregnancy. Consult a gynaecologist to
learn about all the contraceptives available.

Q. I am an 18 year old man. How safe are condoms together, is it

better? I want to have sex with my girlfriend but I am afraid of it,
will make her pregnant. What are the precautions?
A. Condoms are more than 90 per cent safe as a protective method but that
is if they are properly worn, which is often not the case. They can tear or
leak and, in rare cases, their pores allow harmful germs including the
HIV virus. What pleasure will you gain if you wear two or three
condoms? Besides they have a tendency to slip off. A single condom
 should be the choice. For safer sex, abstinence is the solution till you get
married.

Q. Whenever my boyfriend rubs my vagina, there’s a lot of secretion

and it gives out a foul odour. Can it be prevented? Is there any
chance of pregnancy if he inserts his finger inside my vagina? If yes,
within what duration should I consume pills to avoid pregnancy?
A. Women experience lubrication in the vagina when excited. Bad odour is
caused by infection. Please educate yourself on how babies are
conceived—certainly not with a finger but with peno-vaginal
intercourse. If you continue to allow insertion of the finger, ensure it is
cleaned with soap and water. Normally the pills should be consumed
within seventy-two hours of the act. Visit a doctor who will prescribe an
emergency contraceptive pill.

Q. I am 27 years old. I had unprotected sex with my partner but he did

not ejaculate inside me. Before intercourse, he had given me a tablet
to take and told me that it will keep pregnancy at bay. After how
many days of my period is it safe to have unprotected sex?
A. It is not all right to trust anybody, especially these days, when sexually
transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies are common. Wait for
your periods. In future, insist on a condom. No day is totally safe to have
unprotected sex. ‘Condom or no sex’ should be your motto.

Q. My fiancé and I had sex and he ejaculated inside me after which he

immediately wiped off my private parts. I took an emergency
contraceptive pill the next day. The pill had some side effects like
nausea and vomiting sensation. The next two days I also felt like
vomiting but only in the mornings. The rest of the day was fine.
Does a girl get pregnant within a week or so, because my period is
due soon?
A. If you have taken the pill, there is every possibility of your not being
pregnant. Wait for your periods. In future, please insist on a condom.
Q. I am 28 years old. My wife delivered a baby 5 months back. We had
unprotected sex 10 to 12 times starting 2 months after the delivery,
but she has not yet got her period. The pregnancy test was negative,
so why is she not getting her periods?
A. If she is feeding the baby regularly, she is in the lactation period. During
this time (approximately six months) conception does not usually occur;
it is time you started using the condom.

Q. I am a 36-year-old woman. I am four-months pregnant and my

breasts have become fuller. When my husband and I have sex, he
likes to suck on my nipples. I’m worried that this will create
complications later for the baby while breastfeeding. Is it safe to
continue?
A. No difference between your husband and baby, except he is no baby. To
avoid any problem (which is unlikely), it is best that he stops. You
should clean the nipples with water daily and should then turn back to
front.

Q. I am 20 years old. I rubbed my penis on my partner’s vagina

without using a condom, is there any chance of pregnancy? And we
did it for 1st time .if yes please let me measures. Please reply as soon
as possible.
A. Occasionally, if the lubricating fluid secreted by the penis (precum)
contains stray sperms, pregnancy is known to occur. There is a greater
possibility of this occurring if she is between the tenth and eighteenth
day of her period; if she misses her periods, test for pregnancy with a
urine pregnancy kit that is easily available at a chemist’s. If two pink
lines are seen, it is positive for pregnancy; in that case, see a
gynaecologist.

Q. I am a 30 year old man. My wife is of the same age. Her vagina is

very small and we can’t have sex. It hurts her a lot during
 intercourse and leaves me unsatisfied. We want a child but she can’t
take the pain. Please advise.
A. The vagina can expand to accommodate the size of the penis. It’s rare for
it not to expand. Find out the most comfortable position for both of you.
Maybe the woman-on-top position will help. Ask her to apply
Lignocaine gel 2 per cent in and around the vagina. Before intercourse,
she must wait for fifteen minutes and wash off the excess. Her pain
should ease. If the pain persists, consult a gynaecologist.

Q. If a man and a woman masturbate at the same time, thinking about

sex, can it lead to pregnancy?
A. There are no angels to carry your sperms to the person you are dreaming
about. Fantasy gives you enjoyment, but does nothing more.

Q. I wed four months ago. My wife is 25 years old and I am 29. We’d
like to have children but I don’t know where to start. We have sex
regularly but I am unable to penetrate her since my penis slips every
time I try to insert it. Which dates are good for conception?
A. Start with love and good foreplay, then be sure you insert into the
vagina. If that’s not happening, see a sexpert. Sex is advised from the
eighth day of the period, preferably throughout the month. Doing it on
alternate days is adequate, at least till the sixteenth day.

Q. I am a 20-year-old girl and my fiancé is 23. Since the last 4 years, we

have been indulging in mutual masturbation and oral sex, and we
have not had intercourse. Is conception possible if semen is
swallowed? And recently we read in a book that couples who get
used to mutual masturbation have difficulty in enjoying intercourse.
Please advice and clear the doubts.
A. No. There is no harm in swallowing semen. The sperms are destroyed in
the acidic juice of the stomach and no pregnancy can occur. However,
since both of you are into heavy petting, I must warn you that at no time
should spermatic fluid be spilt near the female partner’s thighs. The
 sperms can swim into the vagina and if there is an egg waiting to be
fertilized, pregnancy can occur. Regarding mutual masturbation, it will
improve both the technique and the enjoyment of sexual intercourse. You
might be under the false impression that orgasm or satisfaction in a
female is different at intercourse and masturbation. It is not so; many
also falsely believe that orgasm must be achieved at every intercourse.

Q. Will there be fertilization if the naked penis touches the hymen?

A. Presumably you mean the thin tissue at the entrance of the vagina.
Pregnancy has been known to occur even in ‘virgin’ girls (even when
their hymen is present) when seminal fluid is discharged on their thighs
and genitals. It is better to avoid such sexual behaviour. Besides, if the
penis is at the mouth of the vagina, there will be a strong temptation to
push further and have intercourse.

Q. I read that coconut oil is a natural lubricant that was used before
condoms were invented. Is it okay to use coconut oil instead of an
artificial lubricant? Will it hamper the functioning of the condom?
A. Oil has a tendency to tear the condom. You can use your saliva instead.
It is a good lubricant.

Q. I am a 35 year old woman with a 9 year old child. I do not want

anymore children and would like to go in for permanent
sterilization. My husband is also okay with it. I would like to know
the various procedures and the approximate cost in private hospitals
for the same.
A. Laparoscopic sterilization in the female is a method where a portion of
the fallopian tube is picked up and constricted by a silastic ring, thus
preventing fertilization. It is a safe and convenient procedure, and you
can return home the same day and resume sexual relations within the
next few days. Each surgeon has their own fee structure. If you find it
expensive, visit the FPA India centre.
Q. For how many months can a lactating woman keep producing breast
milk if she feeds it daily to her husband?
A. Let her decide when she should stop feeding her baby because for you,
she will buy a cow.

Q. How will a child born from a mix of semen samples of a black man,
white man, an Indian and Chinese turn out?
A. Join a circus to find out.
 6
SEX AFTER FORTY AND BEYOND

Q. I am a 40 year old man and have 2 children. I used to have sex with
my wife every two days but for the last 45 days I am not having a
proper erection. I am confused why this has suddenly happened. I
am physically fit with an athletic body build and no worries about
health. Every time we try my penis increases in length and breadth
but erects only for some seconds. Please advise I’m in great worry!
A. This does occur occasionally around the age of forty. Check for diabetes;
see a sexpert to advise you and prescribe medicines so that you get better
erections. In the meanwhile, try to identify causes like stress or boredom
which could be responsible.

Q. I am a 40-year-old man, married for 14 years. My wife is 39. She has

lost all interest in sex. Her periods have been irregular since the last
five years. We have a son who is 12 years old now. During
pregnancy, we completely avoided intercourse. And thereafter she
has been taking the birth control pills for six years. After that she
had a copper T for five years. Her periods have almost stopped now
—once in four or five months. I have been masturbating since the
age of 14 and now masturbate almost daily in her absence. She has
no desire to even come close. What is the advice for both of us to
enjoy sex and birth control? Now we have neither intercourse nor
any birth control tool.
A. Although it is early for her to reach menopause, occasionally, a few
years before it actually happens, some women get depressed and worried
about their future conjugal happiness. In her case, it is possible that since
she is not using a contraceptive, the fear of pregnancy is keeping her
 away. It’s best that you sit together and discuss the reason. Take the help
of a sexpert.

Q. I am 41 year old man. I have had a very active sex life till these
years. For the last one month I have no urge to indulge in sex. I am
also unable to hold an erection. Our love making session including
foreplay used to last for about 20 minutes with three to four
orgasms experienced by my wife. I have work related pressure and
at times I also experience heaviness in my chest due to anxiety. But I
am not sure why I am unable to hold my erection.
A. Work, stress, anxiety and tension are common causes that could be
behind your decrease in desire. At this age, physiological changes occur
in all men. Erections are not as strong; manual handling, preferably by
the partner, is required and at times the erection subsides in the middle of
foreplay or during intercourse. However, don’t panic. You may be
suffering a male climacteric (menopause). Take a holiday and learn to
cope with stress. You may benefit from a course of medication and
advice for which you need to visit a sexologist. A medical check-up will
be useful.

Q. Sir I am 45 years very much interested in sexual but when i go to

bed to have intercourse my penies is not getting errection pl do help
me
A. After forty some natural changes take place. 1) You need more manual
stimulation, 2) Erection may come and suddenly go, 3) The force of
ejaculation is lower or absent. The person may not ejaculate but can still
enjoy sexual intercourse. I suggest you see a sexologist.

Q. I am a 47 year old man. I underwent a circumcision this month. I

was told by the doctor to resume light work after two days.
However, it’s been longer and my skin is still very sensitive. The
stitches continue to hurt so much that I can’t even walk normally.
 What is the normal healing time and when can I resume my sexual
activity?
A. What do you pay the doctor for? You can ask him all your doubts. Ask
him to suggest an anaesthetic ointment. You will be back to normal in
another fifteen days.

Q. I am a healthy man, aged 50. My partner complains that I am

oversexed, and it is causing problems in our relationship.
Is too much sex harmful for health? Like is it ok to have sexual
intercourse 3-4 times a day, or is it harmful?
Is using drugs to reduce sexual power harmful?
It takes me 45 to 60 minutes to climax. Is there any way to cut
short this period, because this is also causing trouble with my
partner.
A. In a majority of cases, sex is not harmful for health. If, on the odd
occasion, sexual intercourse is done many times a day, it will not be
harmful but should it become a habit, it needs to be treated. You have
what is termed as a ‘delayed ejaculation’. Visit a sexpert to advise you
on what to do.

Q. I am a 51 year old man suffering from diabetes. I had a normal sex

life till I was 48 years old but after that, I noticed two problems—
premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Would you
recommend any medicines or should I accept these changes and
move on?
A. There is much pleasure before you. Surf the Internet for useful tips or
see a sexpert who will advise you and prescribe the appropriate
medicines.

Q. I am a 54 year old woman and my boyfriend is 27. He is very fond of

oral sex. My husband says this is utter perversion and may lead to
complications in future. Is he right?
A. He is right; it is odd also to start another relation, especially with one so
young. It sounds a bit odd that you are sharing your extra-marital affair
with your husband. You may not have any complications but he could
ingest bacteria which could bring him ill health. If you must, it is wiser
for him and you to use a condom. Special flavoured condoms are
available for oral sex. Young men can have multiple partners and so run
the risk of sexually transmitted diseases which can lead to AIDS.

Q. I am a 55 year old man. There is a 21-year old woman in my office

who I am attracted to. However, I am worried that she may compare
me to the younger men she has had relations with. I’m old fashioned
in my methods and against oral sex. Is it safe to use viagra each time
I have intercourse?
A. The stress and anxiety to please this young lass will not be good for your
heart or other relationships. Being old-fashioned is all right. Whether
you can take a viagra-like tablet will depend on the examination results
of your doctor, whom you should consult before taking the pills.

Q. I am 55 and not circumcised. I have always kept the head of my

penis clean to prevent the accumulation of waxy substance. In the
past few months the end of the foreskin began to thicken and
became smaller and smaller to the extent that I am no longer able to
pull back the foreskin to expose the head in order to keep it clean.
What is the remedy?
A. Considering your age, the inflammation and thickening of the foreskin
go in favour of circumcision. With age, the prepuce may become so
thickened and inelastic that it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to
clean the area beneath it adequately. This may result in an unpleasant
odour. But far more serious is the possibility of cancer of the head of the
penis. In India, for instance, where Muslims practise circumcision and
the Hindus do not, cancer of the penis is far more common among the
latter than the former. I would advise you to see a doctor soon.
Q. I am 55 year old and my wife 50. Both of us are non-diabetic. My
wife has put on 30 kilos in the last four years, and now weighs 95
kilos. Our children are away. She has lost all interest in sex but my
interest has increased resulting in frequent quarrels. Please advise.
A. I suggest she visit a gynaecologist who can examine her or refer her to
an endocrinologist. Weight loss will help sexual activity. For the time
being, substitute lack of sex with masturbation.

Q. I am a 57 year old man. For the last six years, I have been in a
relationship with two women (one in her late 20’s and the other in
her late 30’s) both were staying with me and we used to have sex
daily. But for the last six months, I am in another city with my wife.
I do not share a sexual relation with her. To control my sexual desire
I masturbate every day. I do not have any other health issues. But I
did like to increase my sex drive.
A. Sorry you could not carry your harem with you. Your choice is either
your wife or masturbation.

Q. I am 60 yr old man. My wife is 13 years younger to me. Can you

suggest me any Indian aphrodisiac that is easily available in any
medical store. I want to satisfy my wife and the longer run.
A. There are several companies marketing herbal medicines. Prescriptions
from homoeopaths are also available. It is advisable that you select a
medication from recognized and popular companies. These Viagra-like
preparations can be prescribed only after consultation with a sexpert. I
suggest you use more foreplay to bring about her orgasm which is the
same as vaginal sex, in fact even better.

Q. I am 62 years old and have stopped wearing underwear since the

last 10 to 15 yrs as I feel more comfortable without it. Please let me
know whether it will affect my testicles, penis or general health.
A. You have lived like this for fifteen years. You can live another fifty
without any underwear, without any harm.
Q. I am 64 yrs old and my wife is 58. My cardiologist has prescribed
Cardace H5 for my blood pressure and Storvaz10 for my wife for
her cholesterol treatment. Ever since both of us started taking these
drugs (i.e. six months ago), we have had a virtually zero sexual
drive. I once stopped taking my medicine for a while and my libido
returned to normal. Please explain, what should we do?
A. Some drugs are known to cause the symptoms you complain of. Both of
you should visit your doctors and have your drugs changed under their
guidance. Hope you will return to an active sex life.

Q. I am 69 yrs old and my wife is 60 yrs old. She had her uterus and
ovaries removed 18 yrs back. Since then she has lost interest in sex. I
am forced to masturbate desire. Is masturbating every day
dangerous for health at this age? Please advise.
A. Certainly not, please continue. If both had approached the gynaecologist
regarding her problem, I feel she could have been helped by hormone
therapy.

Q. I am a 70 year old man and still going strong but have a non-
responsive wife. What is the ‘G Spot’? I have read in some books
that there are some spots from right toe extending upwards to the
forehead and down to the left toe. Is it correct? Is it possible to
stimulate a woman to orgasm by pressing these spots?
A. Congratulations. The G-spot is an almond-sized tissue on the surface of
the upper vagina, said to produce pleasure equivalent to the clitoris.
Rather than finding the mysterious toe, please speak to your wife and
identify her hesitation. If she is frank, she might tell you that you are in a
hurry and do not wait till she is lubricated; you leave her high and dry
and thus she cannot reach orgasm. Learn the art of foreplay, give her an
orgasm. Visit the Internet or go to a sexologist.

Q. I am 71years and my wife 64. Ours was a love marriage. We had a

good sex life. However ever since my career took a beating and my
 wife took to spiritual line she is showing no interest in physical
intimacy and fore play, even after expressing to her. I am still
attracted to women and have a tendency to flirt though not very
open. I am very much confused as to what I am doing is right. Please
guide.
A. Flirtation or not, you know best at your age. Continue to try and
convince your wife about foreplay and mutual masturbation; for
intercourse use a lot of lubricant or your saliva. Your last resort is to join
a spiritual group.

Q. I am 72 and a widower. I have benign enlarged prostrate. I have

heard that masturbation is advisable for those suffering from
enlarged prostrate. Is this true? Is there an age bar for having sex? I
indulge in masturbation whenever I am sexually excited. Is this ok
at my age?
A. There is no age bar for sexual activity, including masturbation. Please
continue to enjoy it till the very end. May you live long and die a happy
man. Masturbation is not advised as a cure for enlarged prostate. It rather
helps in prevention of the same.

Q. I am 74 yr old and my wife is 64. Both of us are healthy and enjoy

sex once a month. Of late I am not getting proper erection, may be
because of age. Please help and prescribe some medicines and how
they should be taken. Should I visit a sexologist?
A. Congratulations on your happy life. Yes, age does bring about changes,
one of them being a less powerful erection. You could try new positions
to see if that helps. You should get a cardiac and diabetic check-up done.
If all is okay, the doctor will prescribe a medication that will help to get a
better erection. He may combine it with some herbal preparations that
are known to be helpful.

Q. I am a 75-year-old man. Due to my wife’s medical reasons I cannot

have sex with my wife, but, I am left with some libido, which I
 satisfy by masturbating. I do not go to the extent of ejaculation. I
stop just before that. This way I am able to satisfy myself. Once in
15 days, I go all the way and ejaculate. Is there a problem with this
behaviour?
A. I do not understand how you satisfy yourself by preventing ejaculation.
In any case, the semen you hold back will pass through the next little
urination.
 7
ALTERNATIVE SEXUALITY

Q. I am a 22 year old man belonging to an orthodox family. I am going

to get married soon. My problem is that whenever I see a nude
woman I don’t get aroused, but when I see a nude male, I do. Does
that mean I am gay? I am worried as to how will I satisfy my wife
after marriage? What can be the solution? Are there any pills
available in the market to arouse one’s sexuality? Please help. I am
too shy to tell this to my fiancée.
A. It may indicate that you tend towards homosexuality. There are
homosexuals who are bisexual, that is, attracted to both sexes. Please go
for premarital counselling to discuss what can be done.

Q. I am a 22 year old girl, in love with my classmate. But he claims to

be homosexual and this disturbs me to no end. Is homosexuality a
mental illness or an emotional problem?
A. What causes homosexuality is not yet conclusively known. Possibly the
cause is a combination of several factors. It can be heredity/genetics or
environment, or a combination of both. Whatever the cause,
homosexuality is recognized as an alternate sexual behaviour and the
person is accepted to be just as normal as a heterosexual. Unfortunately,
many continue to despise them. In your case, seriously reassess your
relationship. Many keep away from women sexually; others are bisexual,
that is, they can have sex with both men and women.

Q. I am a 37-year-old man married for eight years. I used to be a

bisexual in my late 20’s. Then, I consulted a doctor who gave me
Ayurvedic medicines to cure bisexuality. Initially the medicines
 helped, but later I reached a stage where my sexual desire became
neutral—I was attracted to neither men nor women. The doctor
gave up on me. I went to another doctor who told me no medicine
could treat homosexuality. He took me through counselling sessions,
but I got the feeling that he was trying to make some fast money. So
I stopped going to him. As of today, I continue to be with my wife
but it is almost impossible to avoid male attraction. Divorce is not an
option for me. What do I do?
A. It is obvious that your homosexual thoughts are bothering you. If that
stimulates you, you can fantasize about it to arouse yourself during
intercourse with your wife. Also, visit a sexpert and undergo tests for
sugar, testosterone, thyroid and prolactin. After checking the reports, the
doctor will be able to ascertain the reason for your disinterest in sex.

Q. I have a friend who likes to dress in women’s clothes. He puts on

earrings and lipstick and feels sexually satisfied with this. Should he
not stop this sort of behavior?
A. In scientific language such a person is known as a transvestite.
Transvestism means cross-dressing. Such persons obtain sexual
gratification from wearing or using clothing normally reserved for the
opposite sex. Most of the men have male–female sex and are married,
but they feel the need to use women’s clothing for sexual arousal and
satisfaction. We do not know what makes people transvestites. The
person usually harms no one and if it does not offend, it is important that
they are treated with understanding by friends and family.

Q. I don’t understand whether gays have a different type of sex organ.

My wife is pregnant right now. Is there a chance of giving birth to a
gay baby? Please reply, I am worried.
A. Are you nuts? Homosexuality is a way of life. Babies can be male or
female and as normal as any other.
Q. I am a male. I had sex with an unknown man on the first of this
month. I did not use a condom. Though we just indulged in
caressing, he touched my penis all over after touching his. Will I get
AIDS? I am so frozen with fear that I have cut off contact with most
people since then. Is there an injection I can take as a precautionary
measure? I beg you to reply as soon as possible.
A. I assume nothing like blood-to-blood secretion to the point of entry, like
a cut, has been exchanged between the two of you. Hence there is no
chance of you getting AIDS.

Q. I am 18 years old and a homosexual. I feel like this because I get

very attracted to men and when I see a man I feel like having a
relationship with them. My problem is that I can’t find a person or a
man who would think and have a relationship with me. So I wanted
to know whether you have such people either in Bangalore or
anywhere else who would have this relationship with me. I would be
very thankful if you would help me in this.
A. I feel, before you conclude you are a homosexual you should consult a
counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist. Have you declared your feelings
to people? Our experience has been that there is very little understanding
or sympathy; your experience may be otherwise. I feel you should reveal
yourself to only those who understand you and will treat you with
respect and care.

Q. I am 30 year old man very active with my gf but also get attracted
towards men sometimes or many times and also get attracted
towards females also, it means I am bisexual and if it is like that, is it
ok? Please advice I am confused.
A. Many men who are gay are bisexual. You will have to make up your
mind in which direction your interests lie. If you marry, be sure you do
not hurt your partner.
Q. Neither can I tell my fiancée that I am gay nor do I want to spoil her
life. My family is forcefully getting me married in four months.
A. Rather than making everybody’s life miserable, including your own,
have the courage to come out with the facts. You will have to suffer for a
while but your family hopefully will accept the truth.

Q. I had sex with a gay man. He looks healthy but is fat. We indulged in
oral sex without using a condom. Is there any chance I will contract
HIV?
A. Healthy, fat, gay or hereto, there is always a chance of an infection,
especially with a person you do not know well.

Q. I am a 19 year old homosexual. For the last one year I have been
having both oral and anal sex with one of my best friends. Recently,
I have been experiencing an itching sensation in my anal region.
Our sex does not last for more than five minutes. We’ve tried
Viagra, but it hasn’t helped prolong things. We are thinking of using
the delay spray. Will it be helpful?
A. Viagra tablets may help with erection but seldom help prolong the act.
Surf the Internet and look up treatments for premature ejaculation.
Experimenting with the anal region can lead to transfer of germs that
could lead to infections like hepatitis B. See your physician.

Q. A few days ago in your column one man had asked that he is gay
and is 32 years old. He is being forced to get married. I am facing a
similar situation. I am 34 years old and am still single and
wondering what to do. There is a homosexual website where
married men are members too. This makes me wonder should I also
get married like them?
A. If you are bisexual and feel that you could have sexual intercourse with
your wife, then you may think about it. I would strongly advise that you
try and keep your relationship with your wife. At times fantasy about a
 male can occur, try and keep it that way. You may investigate the website
you have identified and then make up your mind.

Q. I am a healthy boy of 18 years who is presently involved in an active

homosexual relationship with two army jawans. Lately, I have
noticed that the area around my anus has become red and painful. I
have occasional bleeding also. Advise me on this please as I don’t
know what to do. Even the hair round my penis has started to fall
leaving red painful spots. Please answer soon as it is quite a delicate
situation.
A. You must realize that having anal sex is not always safe. In your case, all
the symptoms that you mentioned are a result of anal sex. Regarding the
hair around your penis and other problems, a doctor will be able to help.
I strongly advise you not to do oral sex without a condom.

Q. I am 28 years old gay and married for eight months. I have not been
able to have sex with my wife because of my anxiety. After having a
mini foreplay, I lose my erection. My sexuality is posing a challenge
for me. My wife is very understanding but I can’t keep her in the
dark for long.
A. It’s best if you see a sexpert. Hopefully, you will succeed. Also, as you
may know, it’s possible for one to be bisexual.

Q. I am a 21 year old gay man. My parents want me to get married and

I don’t wish to be gay either since our society is still intolerant
towards homosexuality, is there any treatment available that can
help me become straight? I have heard a psychiatrist can help. Is it
possible?
A. A very typical question from a male homosexual. The job of the doctor,
friend and society is to make him feel comfortable and accepted in
society. You are quite right, homosexuals are still not accepted in our
society. Seek an appointment with a counsellor or psychiatrist. They can
help you think about what orientation you are most comfortable with. If
 you still feel you cannot change or adjust, take a stand and refuse
marriage. Your parents will be shocked initially but will hopefully accept
your decision later.

Q. I am 37 years old married man and have two children. I have a

strange and shameful desire to have soft and fleshy beautiful breasts
like a girl. I love to wear bras and silky underwear which gives me a
great feeling of pleasure and satisfaction. Yet I am a simple and
normal man. When having sex with my wife, I understand very well
that if I succeed in developing ‘female breasts’, I will have many
problems in society and my friends will make fun of me. Yet I want
to fulfil my desire. I think having an operation with silicon breasts
will suit me. I do not want to do anything else but have large breasts.
Have I become mentally abnormal. Can this abnormally be cured by
a medicine? Please help.
A. Your description indicates that you have traits of transvestism as well as
gratification from wearing or using clothing normally reserved for the
other sex. Like you, transvestites are frequently married and have
children. We do not know what makes people transvestites. A
transsexual is described as a person who is born male or female but
passionately believes he or she should have been born a member of the
other sex. In your case, you just wish to have large breasts and are
willing to undergo serious inconvenience, ridicule and an operation to
achieve your desire. Since you know your behaviour is unusual, you
must be feeling great anxiety and guilt because of your obsession with
large breasts. I regret to say that unlike in Europe, doctors in India have
very little knowledge on how to treat cases like yours nor do they have
understanding or sympathy. This makes it even more difficult for you
both medically and socially. Even in the USA many methods have been
tried to change the behaviour but majority of them have had little
success. Psychoanalysis, aversion therapy with shock treatment,
behaviour modification, desensitization and tranquilizers have been tried
without much success. Specialists in this field believe that transvestism
 is benign and the sooner the person accepts the problem as social and not
psychiatric, the greater is the chance of living with it. Hence most
doctors do not try to get to the root of the problem but rather just
diminish guilt and discomfort, that is, give permission to the person to
cross-dress. By the way, if you try hard, you can greatly diminish your
compulsion. As one patient said, ‘I have been able to accept myself as I
am, and I am beginning to carry on my life like everyone else.’ I would
suggest that you give your problem a deep thought. Please think about
your relationship with your family; wives of transvestites often separate
and the children cannot understand the depth of the longing. You will
have to restructure your thinking. Unfortunately there are few in India
who can help you but you may pick a good psychologist/psychiatrist to
counsel you.

Q. I am not gay but I have this strong desire to become a woman. I am

crazy about ladies undergarments, high heels, anklets and bangles
whenever I am alone at home. I am not attracted towards men
though but I still feel I was supposed to be a woman and imagine
myself as a woman manhandled by strong men. I am very much
confused. Should I change into a woman? Please advice.
A. You desire, but it is an elaborate procedure. Suggest you remain as you
are and play out your desire in private.
 8
UNSAFE SEX

Sex and Illness

Q. What is STD? How can one know that one has STD?
A. STD (sexually transmitted disease), as the name suggests, can be
contracted through sexual contact. STD includes not only the well-
known venereal diseases (VD) such as gonorrhoea and syphilis, but also
other diseases which are unfortunately becoming more and more
common, such as genital herpes and chlamydia. The HIV infection
which causes AIDS is a deadly STD. It can infect men, women and
children. A pregnant woman can infect her child. Venereal disease is
highly infectious. It is common among the younger generation when a
free attitude to sex is adopted. Look out for the symptoms and act
immediately if you have a burning sensation while urinating, discharge
from the vagina or penis, an itching sensation around the genitals and
sores or a small cluster of blisters on the penis or around the vagina.
These symptoms can appear from two to ninety days after sexual
contact. They may even disappear after a few days, but this does not
mean that you are cured. They may flare up later on and enter the blood
stream, even damaging the reproductive system. As the symptoms of
STD may occur within your body with few external manifestations,
people may postpone treatment, which has serious consequences later in
life. You can get re-infected by sexual contact with an infected person.
There are no vaccines against STD. Most STDs are curable and
treatment with antibiotics prescribed by a recognized medical
practitioner should be started at once.
Q. How can we protect ourselves or prevent the spread of AIDS?
A. Since the virus is found in blood, semen, vaginal secretions and saliva
(only a small quantity) some ways to avoid getting AIDS include:
Abstaining from sexual intercourse.
If you cannot satisfy yourself by self-stimulation and are with a
partner, then try lovemaking without penetration (intercourse).
If you decide to be sexually active, then stick to only one partner. It
is best to stay away from any casual sexual relationship outside
marriage.
Use a condom while having sexual intercourse.
Do not have sex with a sex worker or with people who go to them.
Ensure that sterilized or disposable syringes and needles are used
when taking an injection (or donating blood). Ensure that any device
that punctures skin, including tattooing and acupuncture needles,
and equipment for ear-piercing or removing hair by electrolysis, are
sterilized. Your dentist must already have adopted safety measures.
Make sure that instruments for circumcision are sterilized.
Accept blood donations only from known and tested doctors.
An HIV carrier should avoid becoming pregnant. Persons who
suspect or know that they are HIV carriers should avoid being re-
infected by the AIDS virus and prevent the infection from spreading
by:
Not having sexual intercourse.
Using a condom during sexual intercourse.
Washing/boiling their soiled linen or clothes separately.
Not giving blood for transfusion.
Treating any other infection such as tuberculosis, VD and so
on.

Remember that so far there is no cure for and no vaccine against AIDS.

Q. My new girlfriend insists on using a condom but allows me without

it during her periods. I am not only scared of an unwanted
 pregnancy but more of an infection like AIDS. Is it safe not to use a
condom during this time?
A. Safe sex practices insist that if you are with a partner with whom you are
not in a lasting relationship, a condom should be used on all occasions.
That’s because, though HIV is present in vaginal secretions, it is present
in much higher concentrations in blood. If she is infected, intercourse
brings you in direct contact with infected body fluids. So it goes without
saying that if you do not know your partner’s HIV status, it is essential
you use a condom. Lovemaking during menstruation can be hazardous to
her health only if the partner is infected. The reasons are that the vagina
which is normally acidic (pH 3.5 to 4) helps to kill germs. But during her
period, the higher alkalinity of blood raises the pH of her vagina, making
her more susceptible to infection. Also, menstrual blood washes away
some of the mucus that partly plugs the cervix (the mouth of the uterus).
Micro-organisms causing gonorrhoea or chlamydial infections then find
it easier to penetrate deeper and spread.

Q. I want to know about herpes. Also please suggest some medication

for the same. I have been suffering from herpes for the past two
years.
A. Herpes can erupt anywhere in the body. If you have it around your
genitals, surf the Internet and look under ‘herpes genital’ for all the
details (briefly, small vesicles erupt on the penis or the surrounding
area). They are painful after some time. They may subside but appear
again. There is no known cure for them. They can affect sexual life as
the condition is contagious. Medication can help the symptoms to
subside but no cure is known.

Q. All these years we have been having a happy sex life. Now my doctor
advised a removal of the womb. I am afraid that my husband will
not love me anymore since our sexual relations will be disturbed. I
am shy to ask my gynaecologist.
A. The removal of the womb known as hysterectomy involves the removal
of an organ that in most instances has served its function in life, which is
to act as a home for the foetus till birth. Well-conducted studies confirm
that vaginal lubrication during sexual excitement can be just as copious
without the uterus. Also, the inner vagina can expand and dilate whether
the uterus is present or not and, finally, orgasm can be of the same
intensity as before. Therefore, you need have no fears and can continue a
happy and successful married life. On the contrary, it may be enjoyable
because there is no fear of pregnancy. However, there is no denying that
some women will attribute their lack of sexual interest to their
hysterectomy; they need to visit a counsellor.

Q. I am 26 year old teetotaller and a non-smoker. I have hypertension

and have been taking anti-hypertentin Tab Cresar H (talmisartan 40
mg, hydrochlorothiazide 12.5). Will it affect my sex life?
A. Some antihypertensive medicines do affect erection. If so, the doctor can
change the medication, should you note that your dysfunction started
with the medicines.

Q. I am a 20 year old man. We both like performing penetrative sex,

but never use protection. We got tested for HIV and STDs last week.
All tests were negative. Does that mean we can continue to have anal
sex? Are there any side effects of not using protection during anal
sex? Will it affect my married life?
A. You may be free from the fear of HIV, but there are many other
infections that you may contract such as hepatitis B and a urinary
infection. Will you or your spouse be happy then? If you must, use a
condom.

Q. I am a 25 year old married woman. My vagina would burn each

time I had sex. Later, I was diagnosed with tuberculosis of the bone.
I am on a seven month course treatment for that. I haven’t had sex
 since I was diagnosed. When will it be safe to resume sexual
activity?
A. Immediately, so long as your sputum is negative for TB germs. There
was no reason to stop your sexual activity. Use a water-based lubricant.

Q. I am 20 years old. My partner has leucorrhoea where a white

discharge oozes out for her vagina. The discharge also has a foul
smell, which increases when she gets sexually excited. She has also
developed white patches and experiences lower abdominal pain.
What is the cause and can this be treated?
A. She has multiple complaints. She possibly has an infection which can be
treated. The white patches have to be diagnosed. It is best if she sees a
gynaecologist.

Q. I am 29 years old. I had intercourse with a sex worker a year ago,

and we used a condom during the act. She later performed oral sex
on me without a condom. I developed red spots on my penis. Now,
whenever I have sex with my girlfriend or masturbate, the spots
turn an angry red. They subside over time but reappear soon after.
What should I do?
A. Since you used a condom, the lesion is not from intercourse. See a skin
specialist for diagnosis and treatment.

Q. I am a 36 year old man. I have a swelling on the inner side of the

foreskin. There are some blisters on the head of the penis which are
really painful. It reappears every time I have sex. Can you tell me
what causes this?
A. Have you never felt that a doctor who examines and then prescribes
treatment would be a more suitable person to consult? Please do so
immediately. It will be money well spent.

Q. I want to know about the effects of paralysis on women. When they

are paralyzed waist down, after an accident or any other trauma, do
 they continue to have regular menstrual periods and perform
sexually?
A. Periods can continue. Intercourse can be had, but with little or no
sensation.

Q. I have had more than one partner over the last few years. But, of
late, I feel a little feverish every time I have sex with my present
partner. Am I infected with a sexually transmitted disease? What
are the obvious signs?
A. Please do not hesitate or feel shy to visit your doctor who will advise
appropriate tests to diagnose the problem. At times, with some males, a
mild temporary rise of temperature has been noted but since you did not
have it earlier, you need to be investigated. If you have had sex with an
unknown partner or without a condom, that is, unsafe sex, you need a
check-up for a sexually transmitted disease (STD). There are five
cardinal signs that you must be alert to: 1) Persistent hot, burning urine,
2) Pus-like discharge from the penis or vagina, 3) An ulcer, often
painless, 4) A lump, for example, in the groin, 5) A persistent skin
infection not responding to treatment.

Q. I had sex with one of cousins and later on with a colleague. I didn’t
use a condom either time. But I avoided ejaculating inside both
women by pulling out just when I was about to climax. Is this a safe
method? Can I contract an STD if I continue to follow this practice?
A. Withdrawal is the world’s most common family planning method, but be
prepared for misfires. On rare occasions sperms leak in the precum.
There’s also the chance that you miss the time for withdrawal. You
should be wiser and use a condom. If your partner is infected, you can
catch it. Your greater concern should be that you could make your
partner pregnant.

Q. I had intercourse with a foreign sex worker around 25 days back. I

did use two condoms as protection during the intercourse, please
 confirm are there any chances of me being HIV infected? Please
advise if I need to get myself checked with an HIV test? If yes, then
what is the appropriate time to go for the test?
A. Although a single condom is considered safer than double, if the
condoms were intact, you are safe from the infection. You do not require
a rapid test which can be done within a couple of weeks of the incidence
so if you are worried, you can do an ELISA test for HIV three to five
months later.

Q. Recently I got naked with a girl. She has had multiple partners. I
put my fingers in her vagina and with the same fingers I touched
her breasts and sucked them. I had no wounds in my mouth and I
was wearing underwear, too. Is there any chance I could have
caught any sexually transmitted diseases?
A. Very clearly you have exposed yourself to unsafe sex, but in this case
you have escaped sexually transmitted disease.

Q. My doubt is that once when I had read your article in that when you
had replied to one of the questions saying that if the couple is ok
with the rough feeling, periods is the best time to have sex as there is
no chance of pregnancy. Then what was the reason for you to
instruct me to give my GF an IPILL? Also I strongly feel that there
is a huge lack of sex education in our country so is there any source
of enriching oneself with sex education so that a couple can know
How to have safe sex? What causes certain situations to happen?
How to protect one self from STD? What are myths and what are
facts?
A. I have advised you to give her an i-pill so that you would not take the
least risk as you are not married. A pregnancy has been known to occur
at any time of the menstrual cycle, including by masturbation. If the
couple is married, they can take the risk. You have a valid point
regarding sex education. Now, with diligent downloading from the Net,
you can have the answers.
Q. Recently I had sex with prostitute in budhwarpeth. Now I am scared
of infection of HIV. I used two condoms. What should I do? Should I
test for HIV? And where I should check it. Please help me.
A. Check for STD including HIV/AIDS although you are probably safe as
the condoms are intact. It is better to use only a single condom.

Q. I am just sixteen and have never been out with a girl. I have
suddenly developed scratching and skin infection between my
thighs. My friend says I might be having AIDS. He now doesn’t
want to even shake hands with me. I am very worried, Please advise.
A. The infection you have is probably taenia (ringworm) and treatment
from your doctor should be quickly successful. You certainly do not
have AIDS, but you should know more about it. AIDS (Acquired
Immune Deficiency Syndrome) is an infectious disease spread by a virus
called HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) which can damage the
body’s defence system so that it cannot fight infection. Some people may
have the virus (HIV positive) without developing AIDS. They may
display no symptoms of disease, but can still infect others. AIDS is
spread when blood, semen or vaginal secretions of an infected person
come in contact with the blood or mucous membranes of a healthy
person. The virus is spread by:
Sexual intercourse (homosexual or heterosexual) with an infected
person. Even oral sex may carry a risk if you have cuts or sores in
your mouth or sexual parts.
Contaminated needles and syringes.
Transfusion of infected blood.
An infected mother to her unborn child during pregnancy or
delivery.

Q. My wife and I have been married for two years. Recently, she was
diagnosed with ovarian cancer and had her ovaries removed. I want
to know how this will affect our sex life in future. Will this operation
affect her hormone balance as well? I know she can no longer
 conceive but I want to know if there are any precautions we must
take during intercourse.
A. It will not affect your sex life physically but she may undergo depression
and a loss of self-worth. Her doctors will ensure that she does not suffer,
possibly by adjusting her hormone dosage.

Q. My 23 yr old daughter, who is undergoing homoeopathic treatment

for impulse control disorder, has high libido. As a result, she craves
for male attention and companionship. It’s leading to social
embarrassments. She is also undergoing counselling. Since libido is
essentially a consequence of excess or deficient hormones, is there an
allopathic medication that can stabilize the hormonal balance, so
that her libido is reduced?
A. An endocrinologist and a psychiatrist will be able to help her overcome
the problem.

Q. I am a 24 year old woman. I got married six months ago. My periods

are usually late by 10-12 days since I suffer from Polycystic Ovary
Disease (PCOD). However, this time around the delay has been
much longer. My husband and I have not had sex for the last three
months. Once last month, my husband ejaculated in his underwear
while he was on top of me. The pregnancy test report is negative.
A. The PCOD may be responsible. I suggest you see your gynaecologist
soon.

Q. I suffer from sudden blotching on my skin. I learn from friends that

this is urticaria. Is this a serious disease?
A. Urticaria is not a disease by itself, but a skin reaction with a widely
different group of causes ranging from inhaled substances (pollens,
feathers, animal hairs, house or occupational dusts, insecticides) to
certain foods (eggs, wheat, milk, potato), common drugs (aspirin,
quinine sulphonamides) and allergic substances in bacteria. In addition
to these widespread causes, utricarial outbursts often follow emotional
 storms, fright, anger or fatigue. Premenstrual or menopausal urticaria can
also occur. It would therefore be foolhardy to advise you on what
treatment to take. This requires your co-operation to exclude the factors
mentioned above and take the doctor’s help to provide medication which
would suppress the allergy.

Q. I am in love with a girl who was recently diagnosed with hepatitis-B.

She is undergoing treatment. However, she wants to break off the
relationship since she feels she will not be able to keep me satisfied
due to her illness. Will there be any problems during copulation?
A. Hepatitis B is a severe disease. It would be advisable to read up about it
on the Net. As a precaution, wear a condom during intercourse. During
this traumatic time she needs your support.

Q. I am a 24 year old woman and have always wanted to experiment

with more than one person in bed. Is there any health aspect that
one needs to consider while planning a safe three-some?
A. Unsafe sex with unknown persons is always risky. You need to know if
the newcomer is infection-free. Also, if you are three, he will be satisfied
with anal sex. Are you sure he is not a sadist? Of course, fantasy can
substitute reality.

Q. I am 19 years old girl. . . . I want to know that is there any such

disease regarding blood, that if we marry any guy of same blood
group we get a disease named ‘SICKLE’ because I have my partner
with same blood group and that is A positive. Please doctor I am not
able to get any of such information from any where.
A. If you are both Rh-positive then you have nothing to worry about.
Should one of you be Rh-negative then it affects the chances of birth and
a pregnancy has to be carefully monitored.
 9
UNUSUAL BEHAVIOUR

Q. I have been married recently. My wife is very upset because I do not

feel like sex unless I fondle and smell her underwear. Earlier I used
to masturbate in the same way.
A. Your behaviour is termed as ‘fetishism’ where a person cannot get
sexually aroused unless he uses some object or body part of the partner.
Usually it is men who are fetishists and without a sexual partner satisfy
themselves by masturbation. Objects that commonly serve as sources of
excitement for fetishists are shoes and boots, lingerie and leather
garments; the body parts that tend to arouse are legs, feet, buttocks or
breasts. The causes of fetishism are not clearly established. Some doctors
believe it develops from some kind of early childhood experience in
which an object was associated with a particular and powerful form of
sexual arousal or gratification. Research has shown that in general,
fetishists have poorly developed social skills and have a diminished
capacity for establishing intimacy. If you feel you need help, consult a
psychiatrist.

Q. I love to watch the sexual acts of others then only can I masturbate.
Am I a Voyeurist?
A. Voyeurism is an act that usually men are guilty of. They derive sexual
satisfaction from watching people undress, seeing them in the nude or
observing them during sexual acts without their knowledge and consent.
Risk and secrecy are important erotic elements for sexual satisfaction.
Voyeurs usually masturbate during or after ‘peeping’. Most of us like to
observe other people’s bodies and that does not make us voyeurs. The
 true voyeur requires secrecy and can achieve sexual gratification only
through secret observation of others.

Q. On my honeymoon I discovered my husband wished me to slap his

bottom hard before he got sexually excited. Do other people have
this habit? Otherwise he is a very loving husband.
A. There is a term for this behaviour—sadomasochism. Sadism is sexual
pleasure derived from degrading, tormenting or hurting another person.
Masochism is obtaining sexual gratification from being humiliated or
hurt by a partner. The terms are often linked to form one word—
sadomasochism—since most people who exhibit such behavioural
patterns have elements of both sadism and masochism in their
personalities and typically switch roles. Some degree of sadistic or
masochistic sexual pleasure is thought to exist in almost all people.
Sadomasochistic fantasies are common. For many couples, some
elements of hurting or being hurt are part of love play—biting,
scratching, pinching and teasing. Most people who engage in
sadomasochistic practices do so by mutual consent and inflict on each
other no permanent or serious injury or psychological damage. The
practice is likely to be safest when the people involved know and trust
each other.

Q. My husband cannot have satisfaction in sex unless I rub his penis

with my chappals. I get satisfaction because after that he gets an
erection and has intercourse. Why is he like that?
A. You need not feel anxious thinking that your husband is the only one
displaying this type of behaviour. It is seen often enough for doctors to
term the condition ‘fetishism’ which means an attachment to an object
(or sometimes a part of the body) that is charged with special erotic
interest. The object (such as gloves, hair, shoes) becomes the primary
source of sexual satisfaction. It may be used during masturbation, or it
may be incorporated into sexual activity with another person in order to
produce sexual arousal.
Q. I am a 35 year old unmarried straight man. I have a few harmful
fetishes. I like the thrill of getting naked and then masturbating in
front of women. I dry hump women on crowded buses or trains,
flash my erect penis to unsuspecting young girls and masturbate on
my building stairs where there is a good chance of being seen by
housemaids. I don’t know why, but this gives me a sexual high. I
need help.
A. You certainly should see a psychiatrist immediately, before you land up
in jail or with severe bruises if you are beaten up.

Q. I met my brother after a long time so after hugging he suddenly

kissed my neck. I liked it so I stretched my neck to let him continue
kissing it for few minutes. Is that ok? That happened only once after
we met again after several years.
A. The female body has many pleasure points and the neck could be one of
them. In future, derive pleasure from somebody other than your brother.

Q. I want to tell you something which you won’t believe but its true so
kindly give me a proper answer. I had sex with a female dog and at
the time she was bleeding so please tell me that can I contract aids
or any of the infection, please answer soon as possible because I am
having fever since two days and I have reduced a lot of weight. I just
regret of what I had done and please answer my question. Sure I
have not contracted aids?, because the doctor whom I have
consulted was telling that these are the symptoms of AIDS, please
give me proper answer. I am extremely guilty about the thing I have
done?
A. You must see a doctor immediately; it is possible that you have
developed an infection from the event—not AIDS. Also, you are not
being fair to your dog. Make it up to her by giving her an extra bone.

Q. I am a 36-year-old married woman with a nine-year-old son. On my

birthday this year, my ex-boyfriend came over. After celebrating
 with a lot of alcohol, my husband, my ex and I fell into bed. We had
a threesome without planning it but now, I’m not excited by regular
intercourse with my husband any more. While my husband is more
than willing to have company in the bedroom, I want to know if
there are any health hazards of making this a regular affair. The
three of us are healthy and compliant.
A. If all are healthy, there should be no health hazard but do consider social
hazards such as jealousy or preference on the part of your husband,
curious neighbours and so on.

Q. I am a 32-year-old happily married man. Recently, I’ve been having

mixed feelings about cheating on my wife. I have a goat; her name is
Ramila. Over the past two months, I have been thinking about how
it would feel to make love to her. Is this normal? Will I contract a
goat-related STD? Please help!
A. Ask Ramila whether she would like it! Bestiality is not considered
normal and is illegal.

Q. I masochist nature and you replied that there is no cure. As my wife

is not interested in femdom activities, I visit a known masseuse (a
beautiful young lady) in a massage parlour once in two months to
satisfy my masochistic urge. Will you please clear my doubts about
the consequences of the femdom activities I am doing with the
masseuse. In the past sessions, upon my request, she slapped hard
on my face, spanked me with a thin cane on my buttocks, calf and
palms, gave me verbal abuse such as calling out ‘slave dog’ etc. I
was also made to lick her foot, kiss her buttocks, thighs etc.
Sometimes I requested her to spit on my mouth and I consumed her
saliva. But after two or three sessions, recently she encouraged me to
do oral sex on her. She told me that she is free of any diseases as they
don’t do sex in the massage parlour. I get good erection when I lick
her anus. She gives me a hand job on my fully erected penis till I
ejaculate and that is the end of the session. Sir is it safe to continue
 the above activities? Can you suggest any precautions during those
sessions at the parlour?
A. You have no alternative except to try and convince your wife to do
likewise; you expose yourself to infection from the multiple organisms
that hover around the anus.

Q. Hi, I am a 33 years old man. I have a tremendous fetish for

collarbones. Whenever I see a female with nice curved protruding
collarbones, I cannot wait till I masturbate. Sometimes, I even go to
an extent of pulling my own shoulders so that the collarbones stick
out, and then masturbate looking at them in the mirror. Is it okay
for me to have this fetish? How do I get rid of this if I wish to?
A. The collar bone is a rather unusual fetish. If it gives you pleasure, there
is no need to abolish it since the fetish is harmless.

Q. I am 23 years old. My problem since I was 14 is not so normal i.e. I

get sexually aroused by the strong and unwashed odours. I go
sniffing beautiful woman’s worn underwears, since my dad owns a
hotel here. Many Indians and mostly foreign ladies give their
underwears for laundry, that’s where my enjoyment began. Now I
have a girlfriend, who is younger and I love her much. But my
problem is she gets annoyed and is wild with me. I also asked her to
give her soiled panty and smell it. She was shocked and may be she
did not believe when I told her that I loved her so much that I don’t
even mind her stink. I also love smelling her feet when she comes
back from college. Am I abnormal?
A. While I cannot say that you are abnormal, you’ll agree that you like to
achieve sexual satisfaction by means not usually practised. The question
is, do you want to change? In which case, you need to see a reliable
psychologist or psychiatrist. You will have to be patient with the
treatment as it is not easy to kick a behaviour which you like so much.
The important thing is that as a person you should not impose your
wishes on another unless you explain and take her agreement. If she
 cannot adjust, you had better leave her rather than make her unhappy.
The behaviour you talk of is a fetish. Other fetishes are wearing and
touching leather, rubber and so on.

Q. I am a 28 year old plump girl married for the last 18 months. My

husband is a middle ranking executive in an MNC. He is very loving
and caring husband and I love him very much but I have been
facing a unique problem with him. All his interest are concentrated
on my breasts and nothing else. He fondles and squeezes my breasts
all the time whenever we are together. During our honeymoon, as
per his wish, I was topless all the time whenever we were inside the
hotel room and he played with my breasts all the time. He wanted
nothing, only my breasts and if I don’t allow it, he becomes
somewhat restless. We hardly have sex, may be once in a month, and
that too, on my initiative and insistence. During sex also he
concentrates more on the breasts rather than on penetration. I am
annoyed with his obsession, as it gives pleasure only to him. I
thought that with the passage of time his attitude will change, but I
have noticed that his liking for my breasts is increasing day by day
and nowadays he wants to snatch play with my breasts even for the
two or three minutes, that he can snatch in between our day-to-day
routine. Is this behaviour normal? Does he need any treatment. I
cannot discuss these things with anybody. So I am writing to you.
Please suggest what I should do?
A. Your husband has what in sexual terms is called a fetish. This is a
psychosexual disorder in which a person uses objects, like hair, shoes,
undergarments for sexual arousal or orgasm. In the case of your husband,
he has a fixation with the breast through which he expresses love and
gets sexual satisfaction and orgasm. I would advise you to show
understanding of his behaviour; to modify his approval he would need to
see a psychologist. Changing a fetish is often not successful and at times
leads to another problem. Perhaps you could accept his behaviour, but at
quieter moments, you can tell him about your concerns and point out the
 need for adequate sexual intercourse. I feel confident that your husband
will take the lead and both of you will feel happier.

Q. I am 24 years old. When I was a child of about 13 and half I

happened to see my parents together in bed. At that time I was so
innocent that I did not know what they were actually doing. Slowly I
became very interested in watching their sexual activities. Then one
afternoon, I showed my younger sister (who was about 11 years
then) their sexual activities. We took it as a game and started
copying them. In the beginning I did not have any feeling or
pleasure in such sexual activities as it was just a game for us, but
after indulging many times in it I started getting pleasure in sex. I
wanted to discuss about it with my mother but being shy, and afraid
that she might learn about me and my sister’s game, I kept mum.
During this time there was also a noticeable change in my health. I
now became so interested in sex that I used to force my sister. We
did not know anything about sexual intercourse. We just caressed
and played with each other’s private parts just indulged in kissing,
hugging and oral sex. We grew up and now understood about sex.
After that I got very disturbed and started having sex with my sister
in mind. Slowly I became abnormally interested in sex. The
condition made me reclusive. I started avoiding everybody. I became
very shy and hesitated to talk to anybody. This affected my studies
very badly. I am unable to concentrate on my books. I looked so
weak and pale that my parents became very anxious about my
health. Many a times I had a check up by different doctors, now at
the age of 24, I have become so weak that I look smaller than a boy
of class 10. Because of this I feel shy and I feel very guilty about my
past. Please help me with your suggestions.
A. Your present physical ill health has nothing to do with your past
behaviour. However, your depression and feelings of guilt can be a
contributory cause. To regain your self-confidence so that you can face
the world again, you should select a psychologist or an experienced
 counsellor to help you. It may help you to know that there are many
similar cases. Ignorance (as in your case) plus the surging hormones of
adolescence often make young people take the wrong path. Your sister,
by stopping further interaction, showed greater maturity. Since you have
realized your misdeed, it is up to you to pull yourself together and get on
with your life. Please get another thorough medical examination,
preferably by an expert with experience in healing young people.

Q. I and my wife were married around a year back and we love each
other but are in a unique problem that our fantasies are
contradictory. I find her cute rather than sexy. I want her to be
dominant in bed and she wants me to be the same. I get proper
erection when I masturbate but not if I pretend to be the dominant
partner in sex and similar feelings for her when she plays the
dominant role. So we don’t enjoy the act and end up not having sex
for long periods. Also I like femdom kind of sex and she has normal
sex preference and wants me to be dominant. We are trying to talk
to each other and adjust but its difficult because its against our
likings and hence my erections are not strong as they are during
masturbations. I am 35 year old man. Can you suggest me some
medications to get over counter without a prescription for proper
erections. I probably even have a hypertension.
A. Rather unusual that both partners display similar behaviour for sexual
satisfaction. Why not take turns then? This could satisfy both of you.
There is no medication for your issue. You need to adjust your mind a
little bit to get a strong erection. If you do not succeed, see a sexpert.

Q. I am a young sportsman and have a strange fetish of watching my

own sperm. Can I place a drop of my semen under an ordinary
microscope, or is it a complex pathological process? It might sound
weird, but the strange idea gives me an extra hard erection.
A. You will be able to see multiple sperms moving around at a fast speed
under a simple microscope. Sorry, you cannot take a microscope to bed.
 Instead, use fantasy.

Q. Hello, I’m 29 yrs old married woman for 10 years, have 8 yrs old
son (with caesarean). I would like to know is there any test available
to get it confirm with how many men a woman has slept??? (Any
Vaginal test) Where can I avail that test in Pune & how much will it
cost??
A. Rather a weird request. No such test exists. Focus on achieving
happiness.

Q. I am 21 year old man. Recently, I met cousins who I hadn’t seen for
ages. I think I might be attracted to the second cousin. I have not
acted on it but I wanted to know what health problems could
possibly arise if we were to be a couple.
A. If you plan on getting serious, better to consult your parents. The
relationship seems distant, so marriage should not be a problem.

Q. I am a 33 yr old married woman. My husband is travelling most of

the time. I have been having sex with our driver since the last six
months. He gives me immense pleasure in bed, which my husband is
not able to. He has been able to satisfy my sexual needs. I know it is
unethical and I have been trying to restrain myself. I have not
indulged in sex with him for the last two weeks. However I am not
able to forget all the pleasure he has given me the past. How can I
overcome this problem?
A. Your physical pleasure is not going to compensate for all the other things
that you have gone through in your marriage. You will have to continue
exercising your willpower. By all means fantasize and masturbate to
relieve your sexual tensions. Talk to your husband. Convey your desires
to him. I suggest you get another job for your driver—out of sight, out of
mind.

Q. I am 34 years old and my wife is 30. We have two kids. Before

marriage I had sex with my friends, neighbours and aunts. Even
 after marriage, I had safe sex with my friend whenever I got a
chance. But I also have sex with my wife on alternate days. Every
day, I feel an irresistible urge to have sex. I also watch porn and
masturbate regularly. Why is this happening to me?
A. Probably a psychiatrist could help you with an answer. Since you now
have a permanent partner, try to avoid the occasional fling. I suggest you
see a specialist.

Q. My friend who had similar problem is suggesting that I have sex

with my son so that he understands the pleasure and subsequently
will be comfortable to marry. I thought of encouraging him with my
maidservant but things can get complicated. Please just let me know
whether I can go ahead or provide some solution to combat this.
A. Do not be foolish or listen to ridiculous advice. Please educate him
through information from the Internet and talk to him frankly about his
sexual concerns. If you cannot do it yourself, take him to a counsellor or
sexologist.

Q. I am 30 year old man and my wife is 27. Before marriage, my wife

was in a relationship with a man who she is still in love with. I asked
her if she wanted to have sex with him and she said yes. I am okay
with it as long as I get to be a part of it or watch it .is this advisable?
A. That’s very generous of you, but quite foolish. Why share your wife with
others? Ask her whether she would allow you to do the same thing.

Q. I am a 30 year old man and have an obsession for pleasuring myself

thrice everyday. I always masturbate in a place where my wife
cannot see me. Recently, however, our family cat has begun
watching me while I am in the act. One of my friends told me it is
normal to allow pets to watch during that time, so I do not stop. But
my wife has found out about this and is very angry with me. She is
disgusted and it’s now affecting our marriage. I don’t know where
else to go for help.
A. Did you not notice the contempt on your pet’s face? It cannot speak your
language but I am sure it is able to convey your immaturity—first, to
masturbate when you have a partner; second, to note that you have no
work other than exercising your hand on your penis. The next time you
masturbate, watch your pet’s expression. It will teach you to start
respecting your wife and think about having sex with her. Reward your
cat for helping you turn mature.

Q. I am an chronic masturbater, I have used all the illegal drugs like

marijuana and LSD and changed the default settings on sex system,
I have lost my erection, but I am not struggling to get it back,
because I have enjoyed a lot and meditated on pornography which I
would like to call an evil meditation. I have explored a different
reality, which is very ecstatic and lost my cravings for the physical
body. Recently I had been using penis band which is popularly
known as (cock band), please tell me the side effects for using penis
band, I am afraid it might damage my blood vessels.
A. If you keep it on for more than fifteen to twenty minutes, it can damage
your parts.

Q. I am 27 years old engineering graduate unmarried from Hindu

cultural family of Bangalore. I am having own sister aged 25 years
unmarried, she is also B. Tech graduate. Recently we went outside to
birthday shopping while returning home on bike we were totally wet
by heavy rain, in a return journey on bike she held me tight and
became tempt also. When we reached home at the time of changing
dresses, I saw her breasts fully arouse and she in return gave big
smile which ended in deep kiss. Is this normal to kiss and foreplay
each other since we don’t have any friends outside. She asked me to
continue the same restricted to oral sex, I also agreed. Kindly advice
me whether same incidents exist in Indian society.
A. It does occur but incest is not accepted. Please avoid.
Q. I am 19 years old; I get sexually aroused when I see women in their
40s. Recently, my aunt called me home and asked me to have sex
with her. I told her I don’t have a condom and left. I don’t know
how to handle this situation. Please help.
A. Sex with a close relative is considered incest, which is seriously frowned
upon by society. Please continue to avoid her.

Q. Sir I am a male and 26 years old. I drink the sperm of my father in

every alternate day during sex. Will it be any dangerous problem in
future?
A. You should try to direct your sexual thoughts out of your house. What
you both are doing could be termed as incest; your father should know
better. You have not mentioned the feelings of your mother.

Q. I am 22 year old, I work for an MNC in Bangalore me and four of

my male friends and six female friends live in an apartment, I have
a fetish for girls bra and panties during weekends when my friends
are out I wear my female friends panties and masturbate with them
for whole day an I have worn all my female friends panties and bra
is it safe doing it I am doin it from past 9 months? is there any
possibility of getting STD’s ?
A. You are not likely to get a sexually transmitted disease but there is every
possibility that you will be caught. Then expect the wrath of the females
and the possibility of being thrown out.

Q. I am 58 years old without any bad habits. I have diabetes, which has
been under control for five years. I have enjoyed 30 years of a
happily married life. However, my wife’s elder sister, who is a year
and a half older to my wife and a widow for the last 10 years, has
started visiting us, frequently, Whenever I am alone in the house,
she asks me to have sex with her. She says she has controlled her
feelings but after seeing my wife and I have sex, she feels she should
too.
A. In this case, you cannot take the help of your wife to take a decision. Try
to slip away from the house when your wife is also away. If you have the
guts to say no, do so.

Q. We both are 25 years old and have been married for three months.
Before marriage we used to have a lot of oral sex. Of late before
having sex she exposes her vagina to me while urinating and this
turns her on. Also, she has started wearing my underwear to office.
When I asked her why, she said she gets sexual satisfaction from it.
Just wanted to know if all this is normal.
A. Although unusual, it is practised. So long as it gives satisfaction to both
of you, it is normal for you both.

Q. I have drunk my wife’s milk on many occasions, it was very sweet. I

also enjoy lapping up her vaginal juices. Sometimes she gets her
period and is not aware of it (or pretends to be unaware). I lap up
that as well. Is this alright, especially when she has a heavy flow?
Will I become a vampire?
A. This is very unusual behaviour. Does your wife enjoy this too? I have
heard of swallowing vaginal juices, but not menses. The menses are
quite free of infection, so no harm. I do not think you are a vampire, but
people will think you are unusual.

Q. Whenever I get sexually excited, I like to get hurt. I poke myself

with a pen, and bleed from my vagina when I masturbate. What do I
do?
A. Try to find a safer method to satisfy yourself. Use the pen for doing what
it is meant to do. If not, you will cause permanent injury to an important
part of your body.

Q. Plan to drink my wife milk when we have a kid. That my biggest

fantasy, is it okay? Every night, I take her nipple in my mouth and
sleep. If I don’t do that, my wife doesn’t get sleep.
A. Welcome to your second infancy. You can satisfy your fantasy provided
you leave most of the milk for the young one. Just wondering, if she is
away, do you have to use a milk bottle. How did she get sleep before
marriage?

Q. I am 19 years old and have had sex a couple of times. I am very

attracted to my partner’s armpits. They arouse me. Is this a normal
fetish?
A. Fetish is usually harmless, but can be embarrassing to the partner. If she
is all right with it, all is well.

Q. I am a 27 year old man. I like to steal women’s clothes, masturbate

into them and return them. I’ve been doing this since I was 14 years
old. What is wrong with me?
A. It is very noble of you to return them but if you’re caught, you will
disgrace your family and yourself. Why don’t you buy some women’s
clothing? It’s a harmless fetish if you don’t complicate matters.

Q. I am 27 years old. Seven years ago, during a visit to my native place,

I took a dip in the river and saw some naked people. Since then I
have liked the idea of being naked in public. I don’t enjoy sex, but I
get aroused when people see me naked. Recently, I went to Goa with
my closest friends to enjoy getting made at the beach. I get naked
wherever and whenever possible. Is this normal? How can I
overcome this habit?
A. Usually a person with such behaviour does this to get sexually aroused.
Make every effort to get over this before you are caught and given a jail
sentence. See a psychiatrist immediately as well.

Q. Sir I am 18 years old. My curious friend has asked me to ask you a

question. What will happen if you put a drop of fevi-quick glue
inside the urinary opening of the penis?
A. Are you sure you are not the curious friend? With the closed opening,
the urine bladder will become so full, it will burst. You will need an
 operative procedure to restart the flow. Want to know what will happen if
you swallow a lemon? You will not be able to ask such silly questions.

Q. I have a peculiar doubt. If I smear a male dog’s semen on my penis

before having sex with a woman, what kind of baby will be born?
Will it be human or a dog-human mix breed? Please clarify.
A. First, check if the dog will oblige. Second, try holding on to the semen
on your penis. And even if the baby born is a human, it may go bow-
wow.
 10
OUT OF THE BOX

Q. I have a small penis and I can’t seem to satisfy my girlfriend. My

astrologer has advised me to pull it every day for 15 minutes while
reciting a shloka. I have been doing this for a month but it hasn’t
helped. What should I do?
A. If he was right, most men would have a penis hitting their knees. God
doesn’t help gullible, foolish men. Go visit a sexpert instead who can
teach you the art of making love.

Q. I have heard that any kind of acidic substance can prevent

pregnancy. Can I pour some drops of lemon or orange juice in my
girlfriend’s vagina after the intercourse? Will it harm her?
A. Are you a bhel puri vendor? Where did you get this weird idea from?
There are many other safe and easy methods of birth control. You can
consider using a condom.

Q. What is rape?
A. When a man uses physical force and compels a woman to have sexual
intercourse with him against her wishes, it is called rape. It is one of the
most serious of crimes and is generally perpetrated by a mentally sick
person. The best way to guard against unpleasantness is to avoid men
who are not well known to the family, beware of heavy drinkers, never
accept lifts or other invitations from strangers and avoid being on your
own in lonely or dark places.

Q. I am a 22 year old man. I have read in your column that men can
practise Kegel excercise too. But can it lead to benign prostrate
 hyperplasia (BHP).
A. Kegel exercises help strengthen the muscles around the penis, or the
vagina in females, and around the anus. They don’t affect the prostate. It
is highly beneficial for a good sex life. Visit the Internet to figure out the
exercises.

Q. I’m just curious. Do other animals have the concept of threesomes

and orgies?
A. The only animals I know that are into it are humans.

Q. From the last three years I frequently have been accessing porn on
the internet. Recently I have been suffering from pain at the bottom
of my stomach accompanied with frequent urination and irregular
bowel movements. How is this happening and what could be the
cure?
A. Do you not get bored seeing the same thing over and over again? Why
not experience real life? Make friends and share their joys and
happiness. Your stomach problem is in no way connected to your habit
unless you were munching too much popcorn at those moments.

Q. I am a 28 year old woman. My gynecologist asked me to undergo

mammography recently and we discovered some lumps in my
breasts. Is it okay if I continue to have sex?
A. There’s no harm if you continue to have sex. It has no connection with
intercourse.

Q. I am 25 years old. When I was in Singapore, I had sex with women

of four different nationalities. I enjoy a healthy sex life. But I want
to change my lifestyle. I don’t want to get married. Is there a way to
stop sperm formation forever? Will that minimise my sexual
desires?
A. Nature has endowed you with this great pleasure. Why do you want to
ruin it? Just exercise some control. Take precautions against infections or
think of a permanent partner.
Q. A strange thing happened to me the other day. While I was having
sex with my boyfriend, the condom that we used came off and was
lodged inside me. I got it out after much effort, but it was very
painful. Does this happen to others and is there a prescribed way to
tackle it?
A. It happens when the man doesn’t wear the condom correctly. Did you
take an emergency contraceptive pill to avoid pregnancy? If you have
not and are within seventy-two hours of the act, please do so
immediately.

Q. My wife is jealous of the erections I get in my sleep. She feels I am

neglecting her and assumes I dream of other women. Can you help
me?
A. It has recently been discovered that dreaming periods of sleep are
associated with full or partial erection of the penis. These nocturnal
erections also appear to be independent of sexual gratification. There is
thus no need for a wife to be jealous of the erections her husband
experiences in his sleep because though they may be connected with
dreams, they do not necessarily indicate that a man is dreaming of any
woman. Every healthy man will have these erections which may take up
as much of sleep as the REM (Rapid Eye Movement) periods
themselves, namely some 20 per cent to 25 per cent. It is quite possible
for a man to have gratifying intercourse with his wife and an hour or so
later have a nocturnal REM erection, and he may even be dreaming of
his wife.

Q. A patient’s psychotherapist has told him that his sex life (coitus
twice a day) was damaging him. I disagree and would like other
opinion.
A. I disagree with the psychotherapist. Each man’s sexual pleasure is
subject to many variables, primarily the agreement of his wife or partner.
Q. I am a 40 year old man, I chew tobacco and smoke cigarettes. I have
gone bald and no woman wants to go on a date with me. But I have
very dense growth in my pubic region. Is it possible to transfer some
hair from my groin to scalp? Please suggest a solution.
A. Think of other reasons as to why women don’t want to date you. Perhaps
it is because of your bad lifestyle habits. I doubt cosmetic surgeons will
recommend a pubic hair transplant on the scalp.

Q. I have a habit of using my laptop on my bed by keeping on my lap

(above pubic area) and I use in that position for long hours. Since
laptop creates heat so I am confused can this by any chance affect
my sperm count due to the continuous heat? Or is it ok?
A. It is now proven that a laptop can reduce the sperm in the testes.

Q. I’ve heard that a lizard’s tail grows back when cut. I was curious if
the same holds true for my penis?
A. I would not advise you to attempt such an experiment. Your penis is not
a tail, and I am quite sure that there will be no volunteers for your
research.

Q. I am a 28 year old married woman in a relationship with a 19 year

old. My husband and i are planning to start a family. I wish to know
that if i have sex with my lover and my husband on the same day,
can it affect me or the baby?
A. This behaviour is not encouraged. It will certainly lead to serious
confusion. By the way, which sperm will your baby and you prefer?

Q. My wife inserted a hair comb inside her vagina. Subsequently she

found that three four bristles of the comb remained stuck inside her
vagina. Now we are afraid, please help?
A. A comb is a rather surprising choice. She could have used a more
cylindrical object like a lipstick cover. Take her to a gynaecologist who
will pick out the bristles if any are present.
Q. My girlfriend and i have been dating for one year. We enjoy sex. But
recently she has been talking a lot about her ex. This has given rise
to strange problem. Every time i try to get intimate with her, i hear
her ex's voice coming from her navel and asking me to get lost. I
have done some research and concluded that her navel is a portal to
her ex. I love her very much and i want to marry her. But this is
worrying me.
A. Tell your friend to tell her navel friend to get lost. You need to visit a
psychiatrist. Please let me know your research technique. I too shall try
talking to my navel.
PART III
 Glossary

Anal Intercourse with the penis inserted in the partner’s

Intercourse rectum.
Androgens Male sex hormones, produced mainly in the testicles,
though some are produced by the adrenal glands.
Small amounts are produced by the adrenal glands in
females.
Aphrodisiac Any substance thought to arouse sexual desire or
enhance sexual performance.
Artificial The placing of the living sperm on the cervix in
Insemination order to achieve fertilization. AIH is artificial
insemination by the husband and AID artificial
insemination by the donor.
Autoeroticism Sexual arousal and expression, such as masturbation
and fantasy, not involving a partner.
Bartholin’s Glands on each side of the labia minora that secrete a
Glands small amount of fluid when a woman is sexually
aroused.
Bisexuality The orientation in which a person requires sexual
contact with members of both sexes to achieve
satisfying expression and emotional fulfilment.
Body Image The concept we have of how our bodies appear to
ourselves and of how we believe others see us.
Breast Routine procedures by which a woman may check
Examination her breasts or have them checked for the presence of
lumps or growths.
Chromosome Material in the cell nucleus that contains the genes.
Circumcision The surgical removal of the foreskin.
Climacteric Critical period in the midlife of women and men. In
women menopause is a chief sign of this period. In
some men psychological and emotional difficulties
may be apparent.
Clitoris Female sex organ consisting of a head called the
glans, and a body or shaft. Approximately the size of
a cherry pit, it is covered by a hood made up of
tissue where the labia minora meet.
Cohabiting Arrangement whereby two people live together in a
sexual relationship without being married.
Condom Thin rubber sheath worn over the penis as a birth
control method.
Cowper’s Two glands located on either side of the urethra,
Glands below the prostate. During arousal but before
ejaculation, they secrete a small amount of fluid into
the urethra which appears at the tip of the penis. This
fluid contains sperm and can cause a pregnancy.
Cunnilingus Mouth contact with the vulva. Common names:
eating pussy, muff diving, going down, giving head.
Cystitis Inflammation or infection of the bladder caused by
bacteria. Cystitis is not a sexually transmitted
disease, though its symptoms may be aggravated by
sexual activity.
Desire First phase in the sexual response cycle which makes
a person seek out a sexual situation; also called
libido.
Dysmenorrhea The pain or discomfort a woman may experience
during menstruation.
Dyspareunia Condition in which a woman finds sexual
intercourse painful.
Ectopic Pregnancy in which the fertilized egg implants and
Pregnancy grows in a fallopian tube rather than in the uterus.
Ejaculation The release of semen from the penis. Common
names: coming, shooting, popping off, getting off,
shooting your wad.
Erection Process whereby the soft spongy tissue in the shaft
of the penis is filled with blood, causing the penis to
enlarge and stiffen. Common names: hard-on, boner,
stiff.
Erectile A problem of sexual response in which a man is
Difficulty unable to achieve an erection.
Erogenous Any part of the body that is particularly sensitive to
Zone sexually arousing touch.
Erotica Any written or visual material or device that arouses
sexual interest or is used to enhance a sexual
experience.
Oestrogen Sex hormone produced by a woman’s ovaries that
stimulates the growth of a girl’s sex organs and helps
regulate the menstrual cycle.
Exhibitionism Compulsive act of inappropriately exposing the
genitals to the other sex for the purpose of sexual
arousal and gratification.
Fellatio Mouth contact with the male genitals. Common
names: giving head, going down, blow job.
Fertilization Penetration of an ovum by a sperm; it usually occurs
in a fallopian tube.
Fetishism Fixation on an object or a body part and a
compulsive need for its use in order to obtain sexual
gratification.
Foreskin Tissue that covers the glans of the penis. It can be
rolled back to expose the glans.
Frenulum Sensitive area on the underside of the penis where
the glans meets the shaft.
Gay Man or woman having a homosexual orientation.
Genes Chromosome components that define our biological
characteristics.
Glans Penis The head of the penis, often known just as the glans.
Gonorrhoea A sexually transmitted disease spread by a variety of
sexual acts. Painful urination and discharge from the
urethra are some common symptoms.
Granuloma A sexually transmitted disease which commonly
Inguinale occurs in tropical climates. Painless skin lesions in
the genital area are common signs.
Hepatitis Infection characterized by an inflammation of the
liver among other symptoms; one form of it can be
transmitted by sexual contact.
Herpes Major sexually transmitted disease caused by a virus
which affects the skin and mucous membrane. Both
types, herpes simplex virus I and II, are spread
through direct contact with the sores or blisters
which are present when the disease is in its active
state.
Heterosexual A person whose primary or sole means of obtaining
sexual fulfilment is with sexual activity with
members of the other sex. Common name: straight.
Homophobia Fear of and revulsion towards homosexuals and
homosexuality.
Homosexual A person whose primary or sole means of obtaining
sexual fulfilment with a partner is through sexual
activity with members of his or her own sex.
Common names: gay, fag, faggot, dyke, queen, fairy.
Hymen Thin piece of tissue that partially blocks the entrance
 to the vagina. Common names: maidenhead, cherry.
Hysterectomy Surgical removal of the uterus.
Impotence The inability of a man to have an erection.
(Erectile Impotence may be consistent or irregular, short- or
Dysfunction) long-term. Its causes may be physical, psychological
or both.
Incest Any kind of sexual activity between members of a
family as defined by law.
Infertility The temporary inability to have a child. Both men
and women can be affected.
Kegel Exercise Exercises to strengthen the vaginal muscles.
Designed to prevent leakage of urine, they are also
used to facilitate orgasm and prepare for childbirth.
Labia Majora The large lips, the outermost part of a woman’s sex
organs.
Labia Minora The inner lips of the vulva; the clitoris is where the
labia minora meet.
Laparoscopy Examination of a woman’s internal reproductive
organs by inserting a laparoscope (a long, flexible
tube) through an incision in the abdomen.
Lesbian A woman with a homosexual orientation.
Libido Desire.
Lochia The normal discharge of blood and mucus from the
uterus after childbirth, lasting for a couple of weeks.
Mammography X-ray test to detect cancer of the breast at an early
stage in women.
Masochism A form of fetishism in which a person (a masochist)
is sexually aroused and gratified by being threatened
with pain or by having pain administered.
Mastectomy Surgical removal of a breast. It is the commonest
 form of treatment for breast cancer.
Masturbation The deliberate stimulation of one’s own or one’s
partner’s sex organs. Common names: jerking off,
pulling off, jacking off.
Menarche The beginning of menstruation at puberty.
Menopause The cessation of menstruation.
Menstruation The monthly shedding of the lining of the uterus
mixed with blood. This process begins at puberty
and ends with menopause. Common names: period,
curse, having rag on.
Monilia Vaginal infection caused by the overgrowth of a
yeast fungus normally found in the vagina.
Nocturnal Involuntary ejaculation of semen while a man is
Emission asleep. Common name: wet dream.
Non-gonococcal Sexually transmitted disease of which the symptoms
Urethritis are irritation of the urethra and discharge. In women
(NGU) it may be asymptomatic. It is also known as
nonspecific urethritis.
Oral-genital Term that embraces both cunnilingus and fellatio.
Sex
Orgasm Peak experience during sexual response for both
sexes.
Orgasmic Problem of sexual response in which a woman fails
Difficulty to achieve orgasm.
Pap Smear Test for cancer in which mucus from the cervix is
removed with a cotton swab and examined to detect
the presence of abnormal cells.
Pelvic Condition that may result if sexually transmitted
Inflammatory diseases are left untreated; it can adversely affect a
Disease (PID) woman’s internal reproductive system.
Penis The male sex and reproductive organ. It consists of a
head, called the glans, and a shaft that is made up of
soft spongy tissue into which extra blood can flow,
causing the penis to become erect. Common names:
dick, prick, cock, pecker, rod, shaft, peter.
Peyronie’s Abnormal curvature of the penis, making erection
Disease painful and sex difficult to enjoy.
Pornography Written or visual material in any medium whose
primary objective is to arouse people sexually.
Post-partum The post-natal depression that many women
Blues experience as part of the physical and psychological
adjustment to childbirth and motherhood.
Premature Sexual response problem in which a man
Ejaculation consistently has little or no control over the timing of
his build-up to orgasm and ejaculation.
Pre-menstrual Symptoms such as tenderness of the breasts, bloating
Tension and fatigue which many women experience several
days before the beginning of their menstrual period.
Priapism Disorder whereby a male’s erect penis will not return
to its flaccid state.
Prolactin Hormone involved in the production of breast milk.
As an infant suckles, prolactin is released into the
mother’s bloodstream causing milk glands to
produce more milk.
Prostate Gland Gland located near the bladder that produces the
majority of the fluid which, combined with sperm
and other secretions, constitutes semen.
Puberty The phase of adolescence during which boys and
girls develop the sexual characteristics of adults.
Refractory The length of time following orgasm and ejaculation
Period in the male during which he is unable to achieve
another erection.
Retarded Sexual response problem, also referred to as
Ejaculation ejaculatory incompetence, in which a man is unable
to ejaculate even though he is highly aroused.
Retrograde Condition whereby semen is ejaculated backwards
Ejaculation into the bladder and not out of the penis. Common
name: dry come.
Rh Factor Rhesus factor—a description of one aspect of the
constituents of blood; Rh factors have to be checked
in pregnant women as a certain combination can
cause problems.
Sadism A form of fetishism in which a person (a sadist) is
sexually aroused and gratified by threatening or
inflicting pain.
Sadomasochism A form of fetishism which combines sadistic and
masochistic roles in sexual interaction.
Semen The fluid that leaves a man’s penis when he
ejaculates. It is made up of fluids from the prostate
gland (95 per cent) and the seminal vesicles (4 per
cent). Only about 1 per cent of semen is sperm.
Sexually Label given to the range of diseases normally passed
Transmitted between people only through close body contact.
Diseases (STDs) Some can also be passed through contact with towels
and other items used by an infected person.
Smegma A natural secretion under the foreskin. Without
regular washing, smegma may collect and cause
odour, discomfort and possibly infection. Common
name: cheese.
Sodomy Anal intercourse. Legal definitions vary and may be
wider. Some include oral sex, for example.
Sperm Microscopic cells produced in the testicles and
ejaculated as a very small proportion of semen. If a
 single sperm unites with an ovum, fertilization
occurs and a pregnancy may follow.
Swinging The practice, usually among married couples, of
openly exchanging partners for sexual activity.
Originally called ‘wife swapping’. It is also referred
to as ‘mate swapping’.
Syphilis A highly contagious and serious disease transmitted
through sexual contact and characterized initially by
the presence of a chancre in the genital area.
Test Tube Baby A baby that develops after a woman’s egg has been
fertilized by sperm outside her body and placed in
the womb to grow as in normal pregnancy.
Testosterone The most important androgen or male hormone,
produced by the testicles.
Transsexual Person who, though biologically of one sex, is
convinced that he or she really belongs to the other.
Transvestite Person, usually a heterosexual male, who gets sexual
pleasure and relief from using a garment commonly
reserved for the other sex.
Trichomoniasis Infection of which the main symptom in women is
an itchy, odorous discharge; but often it has no
symptoms. Usually but not necessarily transmitted
by sexual contact.
Undescended A common condition in infant boys, usually resolved
Testicles easily. In certain cases the testicles cannot be enabled
to descend; this is known as cryptorchidism.
Vagina An organ approximately 3–5 inches long at rest and
shaped like a flattened tube which extends from the
vulva to the cervix. It is capable of considerable
expansion during sexual intercourse and childbirth.
Vaginal The fluid which collects on the walls of a woman’s
Lubrication vagina during sexual arousal.
Vaginismus Condition in which the muscles around the opening
to the vagina lock tight.
Vaginitis An inflammation, infection or irritation of the
vagina.
Virginity The state of not having had sexual intercourse.
Voyeurism The fetish of deriving sexual satisfaction from
watching people undressing or in the nude, or
observing them during sexual acts without their
knowledge or consent.
Vulva The name for a woman’s external sex organ.
* Names changed to protect privacy.
* Names changed to protect privacy.
* Name changed to protect privacy.
* Many of the questions first appeared in Mumbai Mirror and have been
published here with their permission. Source: The Times of India Group ©
Bennett, Coleman & Co. Ltd. All rights reserved. Others are questions
received directly by Dr Watsa. FAQs have not been edited.
 Acknowledgements

My grateful thanks to:

The troubled souls who have trusted me with their sexual concerns.
Ms Meenal Baghel and Ms Namita Motwane for their guidance and
encouragement.
Ms Anne de Braganca Cunha for adding her journalistic skills and critical
discussions.
Dr Sona Sethi who lent her valuable time so enthusiastically to edit the
manuscript.
Mr Sanjeev Ahuja and Ms Deepa Watsa for their legal help.
My backbone, the family, Gautam, Deepa, Ayesha, Leisha and Dean for
their helpful comments and support.
Ms Nishi Shroff for contributing her technical skills, Ms Shakuntala
Watsa for her suggestions and advice, and Mr Ahmed Sikander for his
patience with us while preparing the illustrations.
Ms Sonal Deo for skilfully helping to put this book together.
Ms Trishla Jain, my faithful, hard-working assistant, to whom I owe
special thanks.
The Times of India Group for permission to use my contributions
published in their Mirror dailies.
Last but not the least, all at Penguin, especially Ms Vaishali Mathur who
has helped the book to see the light of day.
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 THE BEGINNING

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PENGUIN BOOKS
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