I kept myself busy after being weirded out from that encounter I had with Red last time.

Kinawayan niya
lang ako matapos namin siyang malagpasan ni Elle. It was an awkward situation for me, and the stares
that Elle were throwing at me didn’t also help. It was more of like pitying me for what we both have
seen rather than what’s supposed to.

Kaya makalipas ang ilang araw, halos hindi ko maintindihan ang biglaang madalas na pagdikit niya sa
akin at pag-alo. I never liked that kind of comfort before, until what’s not supposed to happen
happened.

“See you in Baguio, I guess” bulong ni Red nang dumating na ang araw ng alis nila papuntang Tourism
Week.

Since I still have things to do at school, wala akong choice kung hindi ang maiwan dito at umattend sa
iyon. I think it’s a good thing na rin na naiwan ako dahil ang interval days between the actual
competition would be enough for me to buy myself some time to freaking sort out this feeling.

“See you there then” inabot ko ang gamit niya papunta sa upuan pero sinalubong ako ng litong
pagtunghay ng mata niya. I asked him “What?”

“You okay?”

Weirded out, I still managed to answer him “Yes,”

Narinig ko ang pagbuntong hininga ni Red kasabay ng tuluyang paglapag ng gamit sa ibabaw na
compartment. Hinawakan niya ako sa magkabilang balikat upang pantayan ang aking mata.

“You really are freaking me out, Val. Ang weird mo nitong mga nakalipas na araw”

Tumawa na lang ako at pinilit tanawin sa gilid kung nasaan si Elle. She’s supposed to be here right now
since maagang aalis ang service. It’s already almost 5 in the morning, wala tuloy taga segue dito.

“Sige na. Sige na” I fended him off “Aalis na kayo. Ingat”

And just like that, I immediately stormed off the bus. I don’t think I can ever be used to whatever feeling
I am currently at right now. Kaya, mas mabuti nang lumayo sa kanya pansamantala. Lalo pa’t hindi ko
kailanman naisip o nakita na magiging ganito ako sa kanya.

Huminga ako nang malalim at pinilit na huwag lingunin ang pagtawag niyang pansin. I even heard him
call my name from the window pero inangat ko na lang ang kaliwang kamay ko upang senyasan siya.

It was hard… because this time is far different. This time, I am fully aware of whatever is arising inside
me. And that’s why now I am continuing to walk away from him… ‘cause that’s what I even should’ve
done a long time ago.

Sa mga sumunod na araw ay mas lalo lamang dumagdag ang bigat ng mga gawain. Hindi pa nakatulong
ang mas lalong paglabo ng isipan tungkol sa kung anong nararamdaman. Kaya ang nag ing resulta, puyat
ako nang dumating ang araw ng congregation.
“Sorry I’m late” saad ko nang makapasok sa HQ habang hirap na hirap sa pagikot ng tali sa dibdib.
Everyone was already done preparing for the mass. Ako na lang ang hindi.

“Come Here, let me fix it for you” lumapit sa akin ang nakasimangot na si Archer habang hawak ang mga
dapat dalhin.

I let him fix my ribbonette as I timidly arranges my hair into bun

“Thanks” I said.

“You look sad. Ayos ka lang?”

“Haven’t got enough sleep last night” kibit balikat ko na lamang sabay tawa.

“Bakit? Naging excited ka ba para sa misa?” Napakunot noo na lamang ako dahil doon sa sinabi niya.

“What?! Hindi no!”

I was about to mirror his stuntin’ pero tumalikod na siya at hinatak mula sa ibabaw ng mesa ang paper
bag.

“Bet you haven’t eaten your breakfast yet. here” inabutan niya ako ng pancake takeout “kainin mo na
yan habang papunta sa chapel”

“Okay lang. Wag na”

“No. It’s okay” he pushed back the carton towards my hand “Just take it. I bought two”

“T-Thanks” I said. Kinindatan niya naman ako.

Archer was glancing at me as we both made our way to the chapel across the building. Medyo may
kalawakan rin ang lalakarin bago makapunta roon kaya bago pa man tuluyang makarating ay todo kain
na ang ginawa ko.

My head was still pounding so hard as I munch my pancakes into pieces. Hindi nagkulang ang tulog ko
dahil sa pagiging excited para sa misa. My head was aching due to lack of sleep last night dahil sa
paguusap naming dalawa ni Elle.

She was kind of big help for what I’m suffering currently. Although, she called me a bih for doing ‘things’,
heck, after contemplating what I’ve done to Red last time, bigla akong naguilty dahil sa sinabi ni Elle.

“Ewan, Val. Basta for me, I think what you’re currently doin’ is quite unfair” She complained

Nalito naman ako dahil sa sinabi niyang iyon.

“Why? Totoo naman kasi! You suddenly shut him off for unknown reason. Kinwento niya pa sakin yung
hindi mo pagsagot ng mga messages. And now, si Reka na naman kasama niya dito. Dikit siya nang dikit
doon eh ang alam nyang kalaban natin school sila”

Huminga ako nang malalim upang kalmahin ang sarili mula sa maling akala. I thought she knows what
I’m actually dealing with Red, pero mukhang hindi pala.
“Maybe he’s just being friendly as usual” I tried to explain pero narinig ko lang ang pagpilantik niya sa
kabilang linya.

“Ah, basta! Whatever issue you’re having with Red right now, sana naman kausapin mo na siya. Heck,if
you’re still chickening out ‘cause of this compet, im sure Red would be there to help you naman. Baka
kasi kaya dumidikit nang dumidikit ‘to kay Reka ay dahil hindi mo siya pinapansin”

And just like that, my mind immediately contemplated what she said. Lalo pa nang matawag niya akong
bitch for whatever I’m acting up towards Red. Bakit daw siya ay nagagawa kong kausapin sa cellphone
pero ang magreply sa texts na ipinapadala ni Red ay hindi.

Pinunasan ko ang labi ko matapos maubos ang pagkaing ibinigay ni Archer sa akin kanina. He was staring
at me as I wipe the remnants of the sugars I had on the side of my lips. His jaw tightened after realizing
how messy I was. Inikutan niya lang ako nang mata matapos tumayo sa harapan ng simbahan.

“Tara na?” inunahan ko na siyang tanungin.

“After you” at tuluyan ilahad ang pasukan ng pinto.

The mass immediately started after we both seated on our designated seats. Nang tuluyan nang
kinailangan tumayo ay lumipat na ako nang pwesto. It was a French mass for the Colegio. May halos
isang oras din kaming nagtagal sa loob ng simbahan para doon. At sa kabuuang iyon ay wala akong
ginawa kundi ang magdasal ng kaliwanagan ng isip sa kung anong bumabagabag sa akin.

“Heard you’re bound to Baguio later at 3” paguumpisa ni Archer matapos ng event.

We were distributing some snacks inside the headquarters now. Binitawan ko ang buhat na karton ng
ensaymada para harapin siya. I looked at him as I place my foremarms close to my body.

“Paano mo nalaman, ha?”

“Kay Elle”

“Kay Elle?!” gulat kong tanong. Tumango naman si Archer na siyang mas lalo kong ikinagulat.

Them two aren’t even friends nor acquainted to each other so… I really don’t know how he got that
information

“Elleana Flores, your friend. She posted on her socmed earlier about your event”

Napatango naman ako sa sinabi niyang iyon at natawa na lamang. Arch then immediately took his phone
out of his pocket and fiddled on it after. A minute have passed and bigla niyang hinarap ito sa akin.

“Have a safe trip later at 3” basa niya pa sa caption nito kung saan naka-tag ako. “So that’s the reason
why you bought a cake earlier, huh?”
“Para la despedida” dadag niya pa.

Natahimik bigla ako. I let out an awkward laugh at him and immediately just turned my back instead.
Inabala ko na lang ang sarili sa pagkuha muli ng kahon upang hindi tugunan ang sinabi niyang iyon. Arch
didn’t even move from where he was standing kaya, huminga ako nang malalim na lang.

“Won’t you gonna send me a good luck or something?” I jokingly asked.

“Do I still need to?” Kinagat niya ang pangibabang labi at pilyong tinaasan ako ng kilay “Break a leg, I
guess”

Nginitian ko na lang sya at kinibitan ng balikat “Thanks. I really need it”

***

When three p.m. finally ticked on the clock, I was already en route Baguio. Medyo may katagalan rin ang
biyahe kaya may mga pagkakataon rin akong nakatulog. It was already dark outside when we finally
arrived at the transcient.

Bitbit ang gamit, at isang maliit na kahon sa kaliwang kamay ay tinahak ko ang malapad na batong
pinaliligiran ng damo. Tanging liwanag lamang ng lamaparang nakakalat sa paligid ang nagsisilbing gabay
sa akin papasok ng bahay.

Mula sa labas ay rinig na rinig ang hiyawan ng mga kasama kong estudyante para sa Tourism Week na
ito. I even saw Ms.Ong singing the karaoke machine under the bungalow across the garden. Natawa ako
dahil malayong malayo sa nakasanayan sa loob ng classroom ang ginagawa niya ngayon.

“Finally! The A-lister has arrived!” sinalubong ako ng hiyawan ng mga estudyanteng kasama naming
matapos isigaw ni Elle ang pagdating ko.

She immediately ran towards my way as she shrieks my name in excitement. Agad kong ibinaba ang
kahon at bagahe upang salubungin ito ng yakap.

“Buti na lang nandito ka na” aniya pa. “Kumusta biyahe. Gutom ka na ba?”

“Busog pa ‘ko. Kinain ko yung pinadala nung kaibigan ko”

“Who’s friend?”

“Arch”

Tatalikod na sana ako para kunin muli ang mga gamit na nilapag pero napabalik ako nang biglang
hataking muli ni Elle ako sa balikat!

“Don’t tell me there’s someth—” pinutol ko na siya at hinalakhakan.

“Wala!”

Buti na lang at kahit na ba halatang gusto pa nitong magtanong ay napigilan niya ang sariling gawin ito.
Instead, I just let her carry my luggage inside the room. I was told na magkasama kami sa kwarto since
buddy system ang nangyari, tulad nang napag-usapan. Habang naglalakad paakyat ay bulong pa rin nang
bulong si Elle tungkol kay Archer.

“Friend pala ha” I even heard her mumble “SPEAKING OF FRIEND, ASAN NA BA YUNG BWISIT NA
PULANG IYON?”

Napahawak ako ng mahigpit sa box ng cake na dala ko. It was supposed to be a peace-offering for Red
but I think it would no longer serve its purpose now that I’ve seen something that made my mood salty.

I saw how Elle’s left brow shot up upon glancing on the tables downstair, in hopes of finding where Red
and Reka is seated. Huli na nang mapansin niyang magkasama ito sa dulong bahagi ng counter kung saan
kumukuha ng mga inumin at pagkain.

They were both standing next to each other, whilst Reka’s head was resting on his shoulder. Napansin
na ni Red ang presensya ko bago pa siya maituro ni Elle sa akin. I half-heartedly just raised my hand at
him as I swallowed the bitter lump forming inside my throat.

Iniwan kami ni Elle dalawa sa hagdan nang tuluyan nang makalapit si Red sa amin. He held my hand as
he plasters the widest smile I have ever seen on his face.

Huminga na lang ako nang malalim at kinagat ang ibabang labi upang pigilan ang impit na hikbing
gustong kumawala.

“Miss me?” he asked flippantly pero I just replied single word that immediately stopped my real feelings
from creeping up my throat and satisfying the cruelty of his vicious curiosity.

Hinawi ko na lang siya sa daanan upang makaakyat na lamang nang tuluyan lalo pa’t nagbabadya na ang
luha kong tumulo.

“Val, what’s the matter?” he even tried to chase and ask me after running to my room.

Pilit kong tinulak ang pintuan ng kwarto matapos makapasok rito upang hindi niya na ako masundan pa.

“I’m tired, Red. Galing ako sa byahe. Wag muna ngayon please.”

“Val, come on….” He even pleaded. Pero mas lalo ko lang dinoble ang lock ng pinto.

His knocks came louder and louder, but it all came unheard compared to the sobs my lips have freed.

“I need to be alone. Leave me alone please…”

“Why would you need to be alone?. You got me”

“I need a space, Red. Please naman, Wag ngayon”

“Val”

“Just… just please, go away, Red. I just need to be alone” because I don’t think I could even depart from
the feelings I am suffering from you.

I hate this feeling.

I hate the denial creeping inside me.

And most of all, I am scared of so many things.

The fear of acceptance, the new feelings, and above all…. the fear of loosing Red.