Weeks 7,8,9: Assignment 1

Exercise 16:

Revise the following passages to improve their cohesion. Think especially about reader
expectation and the placement of known and new information.

1. The Gateway Arch at the edge of the Mississippi River in St. Louis is the world’s tallest
monument. Eero Saarinen designed the stainless steel structure that commemorates the
Westward Movement.
 At the edge of the Mississippi River in St. Louis stands the Gateway Arch, the
world’s tallest monument. The stainless steel structure, designed by Eero
Saarinen, commemorates the Westward Movement.
2. Psychologists believe that color conveys emotional messages. Advertisers routinely
manipulate consumers using color psychology. The pure white backgrounds and bold
primary colors of detergent boxes are thought to influence buyers. Cleanliness and
strength are associated with those colors.
 Psychologists believe that color can influence buyers and convey emotional
messages. Using color psychology, advertisers can routinely manipulate their
consumers. Designing detergent boxes with white backgrounds and bold colors
help promote cleanliness and strength.
3. The relentless heat of California’s great Central Valley makes the summer almost
unbearable at times. Over 110 is not an unusual temperature reading from June through
September. Bakersfield often records the hottest temperature in the valley.
 The relentless heat of California’s great Central Valley makes the summer heat
almost unbearable at time. It’s not unusual for the temperature to reach 110 in
Bakersfield, often the hottest spot in the valley.
4. Getting chilled or getting your feet wet won’t cause a cold. Weather is not the culprit that
causes the common cold. Viruses are to blame.
 You won’t get a cold by getting your feet wet or chilled. The common cold is
caused by viruses, not weather.
5. The federal witness-protection service began in 1968. The U.S. Marshal Service directs
the program. Over four thousand people have been relocated under the program. New
identities are created for people in the program. The people are in extreme danger
because they have testified against criminals.
 Directed by the U.S. Marshal Service, the federal witness-protection service
began in 1968. This program has relocated and created new identities for
thousands of people in extreme danger because they have testified against
criminals.

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Exercise 17:

Revise the following passages to eliminate the vague pronouns. In some cases the most effective
revision will be to turn this or that into a determiner. Another possibility is to combine the
sentences.

1. Many women in the nineteenth century joined the fight for equal legal and political
status. This eventually led to the establishment in 1890 of the National American Woman
Suffrage Association.
 Many women in the nineteenth century joined the fight for equal legal and
political status, but eventually led to the establishment in 1890 of the National
American Woman Suffrage Association.
2. Women in the labor force protested against long hours and poor working conditions. The
National Consumers’ League, founded in 1899, tried to improve that.
 Women in the labor force protested against long hours and poor working
conditions, but the National Consumers’ League tried to improve that
3. Some married women in the 1830s were able to have their own property, but it didn’t
mean they could vote.
 In the 1830s, married women were able to have their own property, but this didn’t
mean they could vote.
4. Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony insisted that the fourteenth amendment
gave women the rights of citizenship; because of this, they also argued that the fifteenth
amendment should be expanded to guarantee a woman’s right to vote.
 Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony insisted that the fourteenth
amendment gave women the rights of citizenship; because of this, they also
argued that the fifteenth amendment should be expanded.
5. In 1920 the Constitution was finally amended to give women the right to vote. That did
not, however, provide all women with the right to vote: In some states, many African
American women (and men) had to pass tests in order to vote.
 In 1920, the Constitution was finally amended to give women the right to vote,
but that did provide that all women with the right to vote; many African American
women (and men) had to pass tests in order to vote in some states.
6. Today equal rights are still denied to women in many countries either because of their
sex, their ethnic identity, or their economic status. This will not change without pressure
from international organizations dedicated to promoting and protecting human rights.
 Today, equal rights are still denied to women in many countries. This won’t
change without pressure from international organizations that promote human
rights.

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Exercise 18:

How would you rewrite the second sentence in the following pairs of sentences to take
advantage of end focus?

1. The word janitor found its way into the English language as a synonym for
doorkeeper. This word was also the name of a minor school official in Scots usage.
 The word janitor found its way into the English language as a synonym for
doorkeeper. Scots’ usage also used this word to describe a minor school official.
2. The word janitor has its roots in ancient mythology: Ianus (later Janus) was the god
of gateways, thresholds, and all sorts of beginning. January, the month marking the
beginning of the new year (a time for hopeful resolutions), is also rooted in the name
Ianus.
 There are many words whose roots come from ancient mythology; two words are
janitor which comes from Lanus and January that also comes from Lanus. Lanus
was the god of gateways, thresholds, and all sorts of beginnings.

Exercise 19:

Rewrite the following sentences, shifting the focus by using sentence transformations: the it-
cleft, the what-cleft, and the there-transformation. For example, you could use a cleft structure in
the first sentence to focus either on the date or the place or the ship.

1. The Titanic hit an iceberg and sank in the North Atlantic in 1912.
 It was in the North Atlantic that the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank in 1912.
2. Our defense won the Stanford game in the final three minutes with a crucial interception.
 It was the final three minutes that our defense won the Stanford game.
3. Hundreds of angry parents were protesting the senator’s position on daycare at
yesterday’s political rally in the student union.
 There was a political rally in the student union yesterday with hundreds of angry
parents protesting the senator’s position on daycare.
4. Lightning causes many of the forest fires in the Western states.
 In the western states, lightning causes many of the forest fires.
5. Countless travelers have lost their lives in the Bermuda Triangle.
 There in the Bermuda Triangle that countless travelers have lost their lives.
6. Herbert Spencer used the phrase survival of the fittest to label the competition among
human beings.
 Survival of the fittest is a phrase used to label the competition among human
beings which was used by Herbert Spencer.

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Exercise 20:

1. Rewrite the “Snafu” paragraph in a neutral tone, as the Bureaus of Labor Statistics might
have done in a new release. In addition to the informal words mentioned, you’ll also want
to consider the appropriateness of It seems in the second sentence, the reference to getting
rich in the third, and the sentence in parentheses.
 The federal government provided payment to 51 million Americans last month
who were shorted on their Social Security checks. The Bureau of Labor Statistics
was supposed to provide a 2.5% cost of living increase but accidently paid out
2.4%. This payment due will equate to $12-$19 for each American who was
affected. Unfortunately, some Americans were also unintentionally sent the
wrong notification letters and instead received private data about other
Americans.
2. These five short paragraphs open an article by Jeff Gammage entitled “One Significant
Swede” about Carl Linnaeus in the magazine section of the Philadelphia Inquirer (June
28, 2005):
At the Swedish museum in South Philadelphia, the staff is getting ready for a
gala, year-long celebration of the 300th birthday of Carl Linnaeus.
They face just one pesky problem: Most people don’t know who the heck
he is
And that’s a shame, sponsors say. Because Linnaeus is not just another
guy in a powdered wig.
The Scandinavian scientist came up with a big, world-changing idea, a
way to tidy up the clutter of the natural universe. He invented a system to
name and categorize everything that lives, has lived or will live. And then
he got people to follow his rules.
Remember your high school biology teacher pounding kingdom-phylum-
class into your head? You can thank – or blame – Carl Linnaeus.
As you can see, the first paragraph covers the standard who-what-when-where-
why of journalistic reporting in a straightforward way. What has the writer done to
change the tone of the last four paragraphs?

A. Revise the last four paragraphs so that they conform to the straight reporting
of the first paragraph.
 Unfortunately, most people are not aware of who Carl Linnaeus is.
He was not just another guy in a powders wig, according to
sponsors. The Scandinavian scientist invented the system we use to
name and categorize everything that lives, has lived, or will live.
B. Then, revise the opening paragraphs so that it conforms in tone to the final
four paragraphs.
 At the Swedish museum in South Philadelphia, the staff is getting
ready to throw a 300th birthday bash for the one and only Carl
Linnaeus.
For the revisions, you might want to combine paragraphs into perhaps just one or two.

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Exercise 21:

A. Substitute a single word for each of the phrasal verbs listed in the second paragraph of the
preceding discussion. In some cases there will be more than one possibility.
 turn down- reject
 bring about- produce
 bring on- provoke
 put up with- tolerate
 stand for- support
 think up- plan
 take off- shed
 take up- consume
 look down on- despise
 brush aside- refute
 get on with- manage
 walk out on- depart
 come down with- develop
 swear off- drop
 write off- ignore
B. The idioms we’ve used in writing this book certainly influence its level of formality.
Here are some of the sentences you’ve seen so far. Come up with a more formal version
of each.
1. Come up with a more formal versions of each.
 Write a formal version of each sentence.
2. The punctuation convention calls for a comma….
 The punctuation convention requires a comma.
3. We can think of it as a part of the contract between writer and reader.
 This is required between the writer and the reader.
4. You can be sure that in reading their own prose, whether silently or aloud, they are
paying attention to sentence rhythm.
 When reading your own pose, notice the sentence rhythm.
5. The pronoun stands in for the entire noun phrase.
 The pronoun represents the entire noun phrase.
6. We call on do when we need an auxiliary….
 We use do when we need an auxiliary.

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Exercise 22:

Revise the following passages, paying special attention to unnecessary nominalizations and
problems of agency. The first two items are the examples from the preceding discussion.
Remember to ask yourself, “Who is doing what?”
1. The buying of so many Christmas presents made little sense to us.
 For parents makes little sense to buy so many Christmas presents.
2. Analyzing the situation in China showed that opportunities for investment were growing.
 Chinas analyzed situation showed that investment opportunities were
growing.
3. In the biography of Lyndon Johnson by Robert Caro, the account of the Senate election
of 1948 is described in great detail.
 The biography of Lyndon Johnson by Robert Caro describes in great detail,
the account of the Senate election of 1948.
4. One of the requirements for the completion of the application for a scholarship was the
submission of a financial statement by the student’s parents.
 One of the requirements to complete the application for a scholarship was the
submission of a financial statement by the student´s parents.
5. The overuse of salt in the typical American diet has had the result of obscuring the
natural taste of many foods. Nutritionists maintain that a reduction in people’s
dependence on salt would lead to an enhancement of taste and heightened enjoyment of
food.
 The overuse of salt in the typical American diet has had the result to obscure
the natural taste of many foods. Nutritionists maintain that a reduction in
people’s dependence on salt would enhance taste and heightened enjoyment of
food.