Sunday Tribune
2 TribuneReview
DAVID KENNY’S ERINDIPITY
Worst law for taking
your time
BEFORE we get started, we’d like to
thank Annie from Sligo for her email
about our Erindipity Does Cork
special last week. Annie said it made
her laugh so hard that cappuccino
came out of her nose.
What’s perplexing about this is that
she wasn’t drinking cappuccino at the
time.
And now to a legally themed
column.
The past week saw the clocks go
back, an ancient law being used to
raid a nightclub and Bertie Ahern
finally throwing in the towel. All we’ll
say about Bertie is, despite
disagreeing with a lot of things he did,
it will seem strange not to have him
around anymore. ‘Stockholm
syndrome’ it’s called.
This week it was also revealed that
the minister for justice is looking at
new laws which make parents do time
for the antisocial behaviour of their
children. While he’s examining those
he might like to consider our own list
of things that should be outlawed...
Things that should be outlawed
» People tucking their shirts into
their underpants. Or anyone else’s for
that matter.
» People talking loudly into mobile
phones on trains/buses.
» Old people pushing their way past
you to the top of the queue. Okay,
they’ve less time to lose, but is getting
to the cash desk first really a matter
of life and death? Maybe if they’re
buying batteries for their pacemaker,
but apart from that, jail is too good
for them.
» Teenagers.
» Combover hairdos. Hairdon’t.
»Passion-killing pop socks. The
sartorial equivalent of pouring ice
water down the front of your
underpants.
» People asking if you have a moment,
when you’re clearly running for the
train.
» People saying, “There’s no need to
raise your voice, sir,” when you’re not
raising your voice. Guaranteed to
make you raise your voice.
» Dogs mounting your leg as you’re
being introduced to your new
partner’s parents.
» Beige, grey, taupe and stone-
coloured slacks.
» Bicycle couriers.
» Tradesmen sucking air over their
teeth while giving you a quote.
» Lemming wrestling. (Popular in
Kildare.)
» People making fart noises with their
armpits as you walk by. (Or is that
just me?)
» People who say “24/7”.
» People who make lists.
Worst law for dealing with yobbos
Some may think the above new laws
are excessive. However, they may not
be aware that Ireland used a legal
code up to the 17th century that was
so acute it even prescribed for the
government of wayward bees.
The Brehon Law system was in use
for about 1,000 years before the
English did away with it. It had rules
on everything from murder to the use
of water, shunned capital punishment
and upheld women’s rights.
Here’s a few laws to bore your
friends with:
“It is illegal to override a horse, force a
tired ox to do excessive work or threaten
an animal with angry vehemence.”
(That includes sheep-worrying of a
raunchy nature.)
“If a pregnant women craves a morsel of
food and her husband withholds it
through stinginess he must pay a fine.”
“For pulling off the hairs of a virgin, one
yearling for each 20 hairs.”
“If one man’s bees swarm on the land of
another, the honey is to be divided.”
“A new king [Taoiseach] will be given
the gift of a large tract of land.”
The Offaly (It doesn’t say anything about
home guard: rezoning, Brian.)
Laois and Offaly
were, up until 2007, “Children must wash an aging father’s
still officially in the head once a month.”
Queen of England’s (Only once a month?)
name
Here’s one to deal with drunken yobs
attacking innocent people:
“If you wound a fellow tribe member,
you must take them into your own home
and nurse them back to health, paying
all their bills.”
We’re not sure we’d actually like to
be brought home by someone who’s
injured us. They might try it again.
Speaking of old laws...
Best law for raiding a nightclub
This week gardaí used the 1874
Licensing Act (Ireland) to seize the
stock of a Letterkenny nightclub that
was allegedly doing business without
a current booze licence.
The penalty for a first time offence
under the act is... a £4 fine.
That statute is rarely used.
However, it’s not the only old law we
have – there are 1,348 laws on our
statute books, some of which date
back to 1171. Last year the state
did away with 3,188 old acts. They
included one that gave the current
Queen of England the right to seize
part of Biffo’s midlands.
Best law for keeping
‘Erindipity’ and the Queen in the bog
‘Erindipity Rides
Again’ (Mentor, ¤15) Incredible as it may seem, Laois and
are out now Offaly were, up until 2007, still
officially in the Queen of England’s
Thanks for the name. Despite being in a
emails. Keep them republic, they still bore the titles
coming to Queen’s County and King’s
dkenny@tribune.ie County respectively and could,
www.davekenny.com theoretically, be ‘seized’ at the
06/04/08
drop of a crown (1556’s “An Act for
the disposition of Leix and Offalie”).
More alarming than that,
researchers found a 1542 law
declaring Henry VIII – and his
successors – kings of Ireland “beyond
doubt”. That would have made
Offalyman Cowen not only a subject,
but also Liz’s prime minister in
Ireland. Actually, ‘Brian Crown’ has a
bit of a ring to it.
The British may not have re-taken
the midlands but they did once seize
our time...
Worst case of daylight robbery
Last Sunday Irish Standard Time
donned its summer clothes and
kicked the clock forward in
accordance with GMT, on which it is
based.
The latter was introduced to
Ireland on 1 October 1916, displacing
our own Dublin Mean Time. This
blithely ignored the fact that, due to
our westerly location, Ireland was
(and is) geographically
25 minutes behind
London time.
The British
probably didn’t see
the irony of taking the
time of a race renowned
for taking its time.
After messing around with our
clock between 1968 and 1971 when a
new act extended summertime to the
entire year, we decided to go back to
the old arrangement and ignore the
fact that we’re almost half an hour
out of kilter with GMT. If you’re late
for work tomorrow please feel free to
use this as an excuse.
And finally, what does the
preceding piece have in common with
Bertie Ahern’s departure?
It’s about time.