Everyone dreads difficult conversations.

However, science
can offer us some good tactics for dealing with them and
achieving a great outcome.
Sometimes we have to have difficult conversations we would rather not have. They may be with
a colleague, lover, neighbor or child. Something needs to be expressed, but we fear the reaction.
We’d rather just stick our heads in the sand and hope the issue goes away.

As a people pleaser, I have always found it excruciating to tell people things I thought they
didn’t want to hear. I would avoid confrontation at all costs. However, I have learned that I
wasn’t being fair to myself or others. I couldn’t get my needs met without having difficult
conversations sometimes. In addition, I wasn’t giving others the information they needed to
help, support and love me fully. This led to resentment and guilt rather than honest, open
communication.

However, it is possible to have productive conversations in these circumstances. We can address

issues without causing more drama than we need. We want to get to a solution that everyone is
happy with, preferably without raised voices or hurt feelings.

So, next time you have a difficult conversation coming up, try these scientifically studied ways
of approaching the problem.

1. Stay open-minded

Before you go into a difficult conversation, prepare by reminding yourself that there is never one
absolute truth. Other people have different views, perspectives, experience, and information. If
you stay open-minded, you can find a compromise more easily than if you have set your heart
on a certain outcome. This also prevents you from looking foolish if you start your
conversation based on some information that is wrong or incomplete.

2. Set a positive intention

Think about what you would like from the conversation. You may have a clear idea of what is
wrong and how it needs to be fixed. However, again it is better to remain as open-minded as you
can. Focus on what you can give and what you can learn rather than how you might force
others to agree with you. If you can envision an outcome where everyone is happy and the
situation is resolved it is more likely to be achieved.

3. Give more positive feedback

Research has shown that negative things stick in our mind more than positive ones. We may
receive a wonderful appraisal at work, but that one negative comment is the only one we focus
on.

The same at home. Our partner may praise us to the heavens, but if they make one small
criticism, it is all we can think about. For this reason, if you have negative feedback to give,
make sure you also give plenty of positive comments. Aim for five positive phrases for every
single negative one.
4. Find common ground

Before beginning a difficult conversation, it is good to focus on common ground. Discuss things
that have gone well and shared interests and values. This will set a good atmosphere for more
difficult aspects of the conversation. Once you have established the positive things about the
relationship or situation, it is easier to move forward to what needs improvement.

5. Watch your body language

Research has proved that we say much more with our bodies than we realize. Our body language
can give us away if we are not careful.

In difficult situations, it is helpful to keep a relaxed posture and avoid getting in the other
person’s personal space as that can seem aggressive or threatening. Keep your tone of voice
light and obviously, do not raise your voice or shout.

Try to maintain good eye contact when giving feedback. Also, avoid any patronizing behaviors
such as eye rolling.

6. Listen

Often we are so intent on what we want to communicate that we forget to listen to the other
person. This can mean we miss out on vital information. In addition, if the other person feels
heard, he or she is more likely to take your thoughts and ideas on board rather than
becoming defensive.

The other person deserves your full attention, so turn your phone to silent, put thoughts of other
problems from your mind and focus on the person in front of you.

7. Be honest

In order to protect other people’s feelings, we sometimes try to circle the situation and give
hints and allusions rather than coming straight out with what we need to say. While we should
be tactful, we also need to be open and honest. Otherwise, we are likely to cause confusion
and misunderstanding.

Closing thoughts

While no one wants to have difficult conversations, we need not be afraid of them. They are
sometimes necessary and we usually feel better once everything is out in the open. This is much
better than letting frustration fester.

Handled properly difficult conversations are an opportunity for relationships to grow and
develop. They allow for better communication and understanding. If you have a good
conversation, you may well feel closer to the person than you did before.