I was on a plane with, like, I was not on a plane with anybody.

I was on a plane
flying somewhere. And I was listening to your episode with Neil Brennan, and I'm
sitting there and you're, like, immediately talk about all the time how we're not
fuck guys. And I was like, don't, don't say that.

I just verbigliated you. You verbigleyed me in that episode, but that's our
concept. That was something that you and I came across. And we were always kind of
like.

But I don't want to make it sound like it was like.

Oh, I.

Have a moral high ground. It was just like, you'd go to colleges and the student
Booker or someone would be like, so. And so was here a couple of months ago, and
they hooked up with a girl at the school. People would talk like that, you'd know,
like, oh, if you go out and do colleges and try and hook up with College girls.

Waitresses at clubs, too. Yeah.

They remember that I've heard people when you come back and they like, don't, if
you don't handle it, well, they don't like it, right?

I've heard clubs. I don't know if it's folklore or, like, club lore. The idea that
they have, like, a post mortem after the weekend and they meet with the staff and
they're like, how was it? Did they tip and did they fuck any of the waitresses? And
if they did, like, they're banned you're banned for life. You know what I mean?
Yeah.

I don't know if they ban people, but I have seen comics leave, like, a weird taste
in the mouth of sure.

That's always on my mind. I'm in a weird place right now where I'm just kind of
like, sex. Currently, today on this Sunday does not feel worth it. We're
relationship guys. You know what I mean? Correct me if I'm wrong. Yeah.

Relationship. I'm just not.

Sex seems so complicated to me. What it does is my therapist is always talking

about Ram in our brain. And when you start having sex with somebody, my brain
starts opening all these big programs, like the Photoshop and the final cut in my
brain and analyzing every possible angle, how they could be feeling, what's it
mean. And I know you and I can both be paranoid about pregnancy. I was just
laughing with somebody the other day about how if you've ever waited to break up
with a girl until after she got her period, it's just, like, crazy sad.

No one is talking about. This is very uncomfortable. But I've done that more than
once, right?

Because if you broke up with them and then they got pregnant.

You'Re like, Well, I guess we're back together and we'll never tell the kid about
the story or whatever you do, right. But just this insane sex is so complicated and
takes up so much of my life.

I think one of the things complicated to us not complicated to a lot of people.

Not a lot of exactly.

Just the way I'm wired. It'll always be a big deal. It will always be a big deal.

Can I say something without disclosing anything too personal? And if you don't like
it, we'll just take it out.

Yeah.

Go ahead. You told me that one time you did have casual sex with somebody, and when
you were leaving, I don't want to misquote you. But you said you felt like you had
punched God in the face or something.

I don't think I said that. I remember telling you. I felt like I was leaving. I
remember zipping up my jacket. I was leaving, and I was like, I feel like I just
robbed a bank or something, right?

Didn't you hear a cop siren?

And you're like, oh.

They'Re here for me or something?

Yeah, not really.

But.

It'S a thing like horror movies where if you have sex, you're going to die.

That's perfectly weird.

I don't know what it is about, but it's like, okay, I'm not, like, a good kid
anymore. That sounds really creepy saying good kids, but I'm not like, a good
person. Isn't that crazy? You'll appreciate that's?

What? I find my therapist, and I'm only telling you this so that you'll talk about
it because people already know how I feel about sex. I was going to a taping of I
Hate My teenage daughter. The hit show canceled. So I'm in line.

It's funny. We'll talk about this a minute. I'll make a note. Go ahead.

I was getting some liquor because we used to drink at the tapeings because we had
seen it, and I'm good on the floor. You know what I mean? And I can have a cocktail
and still be very good on the floor. And then we're in line. And there was this
clearly in La phenomenon. You'll see porn stars out from time to time, and this was
a pornography star. She had these wings on her back. She had this open back dress,
and you could see these huge wings.

Okay.

What do you mean, a tattoo?

Yeah, a tattoo. Okay.

I'm sorry, because some girls were actual, right?

These were on her body. And you couldn't even see the whole tattoo. And I'm in the
zone some of those days where you just feel like talking to everybody and we start
talking. I wasn't like, noise there, too.

I want to come on your ass.

It wasn't like that. It was just like, oh, How's it going? And she started chatting
about what we were buying. And my friend Kenia, who's actually done one of the
episodes, was with me, and she left, and Kenya was like, Did she really like, you
like, you guys were vibing, right? And I was like, what am I going to hang out with
a porn star and cut to Wednesday is when I go to therapy, I tell my therapist the
story, and he goes, why not? He's like, Why not say, hey, you're fine.

I'd like to see how far down that tattoo goes. I remember he actually said that he
was like, Why didn't you say that? Why didn't you say, let's get a drink sometime
to pitch to the line.

I'd like to see how far you've got to go.

My therapist. I love him to death. He's kind of the greatest guy in the world, and
he's always pushing me to do things that are clearly hidden desires for me. Because
here's my ID or whatever, acting out, being like, I like, porn star. And he's like,
Why not follow that through? And what I said was, I can't go to drinks with a porn
star. And I said, You're talking about, say, a kid. I go, what would my mother
think if she walked by and saw me having drinks?

And my therapist says the patient said to the therapist, and I was like, oh, my
God, I'm a cliche of a man. Yeah, but there is a sort of like, I want to be a good
kid. And sex somehow, not even somehow. I kind of get it seems like this bad thing.
Yeah.

I don't know why. It just seems like I was remembering this, as you said that when
I remember a priest saying, and this is not I don't mean this in a I got
brainwashed by Catholic priests sentiment. I mean, this and that like, it stuck
with me. I was a little older. I was playing high school, and I remember it more
like ruminating on it as, like, interesting advice. And he was like, everyone is
saying now that you shouldn't be uptight about sex, you can't be uptight about sex.

You can't be uptight about sex. And I think he said something like, even outside of
religion or this religion or like, staying with this religion. If you're going to
lead a meaningful, interesting life, you should be uptight about sex. And it just
stuck with me. And a lot of people would disagree with that. I'm not saying I agree
with that, but it stuck with me as, like, okay, that's something you should make
careful decisions about, right? If you're going to lead, you didn't say
interesting. I think you said meaningful.

I don't know if that's right or wrong. I'm just saying, like, it was something I've
always been.

What do you think about that? Because when I hear that, I think, oh, it's because
sex takes up so much of our interest. If we are fuck guys, then it's hard to think
about other things because you're people that juggle girls, people that are, like,
being haphazard about it. It seems to take up a lot of their mental and spiritual
energy.

Almost.

Yeah.

And I'm annoyed by people I know, even friends who spend a lot of their time and
energy thinking about that, right? Like, let's go there. Let's go out. We're at a
bar. We got to go to the second bar. We're at the second bar. We got to go to this
third bar, and I'm going back a few years. I don't go to bars. I don't do that
anymore. But that thing is like, it's exhausting.
I think I ended a friendship.

I think if you kept having to, like, I don't know. It's just like, an embarrassing.

The.

More like, don't you realize, aren't you a little self aware right now how much
you're like?

We got to go.

He's like a dude in a movie.

Exactly.

Yes.

Is it because it's so needy or Carnival or something? You know what? But if someone
was like, we're going to go eat gravy, and then we're going to go to the pot roast
place, and there's this great roast beef. I know.

And if they kept being like, what are we still doing here?

Yeah, I get a sandwich. There's part of me that admires the guy. That's just kind
of like, I got to get it wet. You know what I mean? I'm just like, oh, my God.
Aren't you humiliated by that thought? Yeah. It's almost like we're old men. I've
felt that before. We're both kind of like older souls. I don't know if you feel
that way about me. I've been told that. And I certainly feel that about you, that
you've been people like.

You'Re an old soul.

Well, you're 29 and we talk. We listen to the conversation we're having current,
right.

We talk a lot about big questions and stuff. But I've also learned as I've gotten
older, that you're only the age you are.

What do you mean by that?

Like, I'm not wiser than 29. I've only lived 29 years.

But you have the temperament of a guy.

It's a temperament. But at the same time, I don't know what's going on. I still
think the number of years you're alive, the amount of time you've clocked is
important.

Yeah, I agree with that.

I'm still nervous and weird in the way. Like, a young guy is with a little
perspective on life, little perspective on career and money and all that stuff. You
know what I mean?

So again, I don't want to put my thought in your brain, but do you think that one
of the reasons where relationship guys is that when you're in love and when you
have a loving relationship and you don't worry about that. It's a constant in your
life. And you know, the parameters that you are free to let some other parts of
your brain if you let the line out a little bit because you're not juggling, you're
not, like, when are we going to go to.

One of Stefan, I guess, though, but excellent. Stefan, shout out.

I started thinking about a bad club name, and I was like, That's what you've been
doing for the past three years?

Yes, I've been thinking of silly club names. Yeah, but see, the thing with me is I
could also be totally alone. Like you said, you're in a relationship, so you don't
have to think about going to get women. But I'm a very happy relationship. At the
same time. I was like, solitary confinement for, like, three or four years.

You told me you were a hermit.

Oh, total hermit.

And I remember after my divorce, I said to you, John, what's it like to be single?
Because I had never been single.

I gave you the lamest answer. Yeah.

Do you remember what you said? You get a lot of work done.

You get a lot of work done. I'm John Mulaney.

I'm here.

I'm John Mulaney.

It's hard to do with one of them watching Lauren on in a day.

Awful person.

It's one of the highlights of my life being. And I did my impression of you and his
sister thought you were there.

What did you say?

I just went, I'm John Mulaney. That's all I did. That's all I did.

He went, Melanie's here because I walked in.

Yes. That's what you say when you walk in. That was like a highlight of my life. I
was like, I've done a good impression that I would walk in and say, I'm John
Mulaney. That's what I was about to ask you about. The joke that I made about you
once was you introduced me to someone you knew in College, and you said, this is
Pete. He's divorced or something. And I said, oh, this is John. He used to do
cocaine, right?

When was that?

We were at Sweet. We were at the Slipper room.

Okay.

And I realized when I said that I was like, we've never really talked about that. I
only knew that because you did it on stage, right? I kind of betrayed this
information. It went fine. You didn't seem offended.
You realize me. I realized that's Jessie Klein's term for when you take someone's
bit and then you bring it up to them in real life. I never told you that in real
life. And you just took a bit and you realized me.

I realized you. That's exactly what I did.

Yeah, but I don't remember. It wasn't.

But you used to say you were like, I know I look young for having done cocaine, but
who doesn't card is Coke dealers, right? I remember that line you had. I liked it.
But the only thing you really told me about your cocaine use was like, you were up.

One day.

You were up all night again, and you were just like, I'm not doing this anymore.
I'm not going to stay up all night on cocaine again.

Yeah. I would drink a lot and do a lot of drugs and stay up for a long time.

It seems so foreign. I know you very well. You're one of my I never knew you at
that time, and it's hard for me to imagine.

Yeah, people say that a lot.

But.

It happened, but it turned off really quickly, and that whole side of me turned off
very quickly. I still know it's there, but I understand people think I'm, like,
really self controlled or something, right?

Well, you've done really great. I'm very proud of your sobriety. Do you remember
one time?

Thank you.

Yeah. I'm sorry to say that.

But, you know, I cheat. I take Xanax, by the way, listeners, I'm not like, I just
stopped drinking and doing drugs and all these things when I was 23, and I
basically don't do anything anymore. But I'm also not.

Like.

A member of a formal program or. No, I'm not opposed to taking his Annex if I'm
freaking. You know what I mean?

That's another great joke.

You bet.

We were backstage at Comics. The great comics that's no longer there. And the first
club that headlined me, and we were backstage and we were trading pills. I was
giving you Xanax, and you were giving me clonipin. Yeah.

Why were we trading Xanax for clonobin? They did the same thing.

It might have been. I was just giving you X Annex.

Yeah, that could have been.

Yeah. And you said, what is show business become? It used to be, like, rails of
cocaine and doing tequila shots with hookers, and we're just trading prescription.

It's funny I said that, though, because that's, like, exactly what show business
has always been. People giving each other pills back. Yeah, basically, much more of
that.

Well, yeah, I know. That's your thing. In fact, I took half his annex last night to
fall asleep because I've just been up since 330. We were texting at, like, three in
the morning the other night because I was doing shows at the Stress Factor, and you
just can't come down. And we were going to do this this morning. I was like, I got
to sleep so I should have one. And it made me think of you. I was like, oh, we've
been doing this for a long time.

That goes to the Doc story. But tell me before we get to current day drug abuse.

Current day prescription, legal drug abuse.

Tell me you're in College. When did you start doing that stuff?

I'd always been interested in drugs from the time I was very young.

Really?

I don't know.

What does that mean? Interested in drugs?

I just was not afraid of them from an early age, and I tried a lot of things from
age, like, 14 to 23. So I don't know, I just wasn't. Or maybe I was a little afraid
of selling, and then I'd try selling and nothing bad would happen. I never thought,
like, oh, my heart is going to stop. And I think a lot of people like my age didn't
do things because they thought they would die.

Yeah.

And I was just like, no, I just knew I was like, no, you don't die. That's weird. I
was like, maybe I'd read a lot about it or something. I'd read like, Wired. I knew
I'd read books about people who did drugs, and I don't know it didn't scare me in
that way. And I was kind of.

It doesn't go in line because we towed the line.

I venturesome about it for some reason, even though I was super uptight as we just
talked about about other things.

Well, that's what I'm saying.

You know what I mean?

Grown ups told us things, and we seemed like the kind of people that just took it.
And I was the same way with drugs. They were like the Devil's real.

You'll go to hell. We didn't drug. We didn't have a lot of anti drug stuff.

Oh, really?
Just in life. I don't know why.

And you're right to put it in terms of fear. I had a dream the other night where
someone had some cocaine. I think it was Zoe Deschanel Zoe. I've told you about my
embarrassing show business dreams before I know you're embarrassing show business.

Waking State so I can only imagine what your dreams are like.