The

Book
of
Ril
By: Rez
 The Book of ‘Ril’

I never would’ve thought that this would happen.

School ended and everyone got to stay in their
houses. Honestly, I really liked it. I never had a
problem regarding that. For a person like me,
having no choice but to stay at home because of
something that forced the world to stop was the
nicest feeling; well, ignoring the reason for it, it was
probably the best thing that a lazy person like me
could have. Even though I have a large number of
individuals living with me, it is manageable for my
daily life. And I am okay with that.

How long did this happen? I think it all started 3 or

4 months from now. I’ve been chilling alone in my
room the whole day while reading manga and
watching Anime, not worrying about anything but
some house chores that are needed to be done. I
liked it. I treasured the company that I can give
myself. Then suddenly, something really interesting
came in.
I don’t know what came to me when I jokingly
asked my best friend to introduce me to someone I
can talk to. Since we can’t meet people in person, I
wanted to ask him that, as a JOKE. I just finished a
whole manga that time and I got bored for being
empty inside after finishing a GOOD manga, and so
I ended up doing something that even I wouldn't
expect myself to do. Especially something like that.
Surprisingly, he gave me what I asked for. That guy
can’t take a joke. He didn’t even think twice about
the thing that I told him. I even made it sound
exaggerated to make him see the hint of me joking
about it but he still took it seriously. Or he just
really wants to take that opportunity to give me
someone? or he just wanted to mess with me too
for asking something stupid. He even asked me
what came over me to ask something like that and I
told him that I was just bored after finishing the
manga that I was reading and that I just want
someone to talk to.

The first person that he introduced to me was a

kid, a person way too younger than me. Stupid
right? I don't know what came into his mind that
time, honestly. I forgot who it was but I do know
for a fact that it’s a kid. I got a little annoyed and
pissed about it. Do I look like someone who would
talk to a kid? He knows that I swear a lot, especially
with the people that I am close and comfortable
with, and I hate kids. And so we got in a few
arguments but after a few minutes, he tried to
recommend me to someone again. It's his cousin.
At first, I thought that he was just joking too when
he told me about her, because for real, the way he
mentioned her is really something that would
come out from the list that I like about a person.
And so I just rode along with his stunt. Because I
thought that ‘she’ wouldn’t agree to it. Then he
told me that he would ask his cousin if she was
willing to converse with a friend of his. I responded
in agreement, jokingly I might add. And this
amazing friend of mine really did ask her. Looking
back at this, he’s not even that close with her. The
audacity of this idiot is really something. When I
found out about it, I felt bad for her. She just said
‘yes’ because she’s only trying to be nice to him.
After all, he’s her cousin. Then after that, she
added me. I love how she’s the one that added me
when I am the person that asked my best friend to
introduce me to someone I can talk to. I’m being
sarcastic here by the way. And so I accepted her
but I didn’t chat with her yet. What a douchebag of
a person I am. Well I have a reason for not chatting
right away, and it’s because our wifi got
disconnected at the most perfect timing. Not only
that. The tablet that I’ve been using got broken
too. The timing was just not on my side that time.
My best friend kept asking me if I spoke with her
already and I could only answer no. Finally, after
those technical difficulties, I chatted with her using
my mom's phone. Good thing the phone had data
and my mother was out drinking at that time. And
then I messaged her in the most foolish way I can
think of: “mag hi daw ako sabi ni James"

Looking back at this line, it was funny and very

cringy at the same time, but I don’t regret saying it.
Because that stupid line of mine made us break the
ice of being shy and just went along with the vibe
that we never knew we'd built. Everything
happened very smoothly as the days goes by. We
got to know each other. We both got closer with
each day that passed by. We became good friends
and everything was just fine, not until I developed
some feelings for her. At first, I didn’t really plan on
telling her about it. The only people who knew
about my feelings for her were my two best
friends. And because of those two, she found out
that I have fallen in love with her. Well, at first, she
doubted that my feelings were true because of the
thought that my friends were just joking. And so,
instead of me denying it, I told her the truth. I told
her the truth even though I knew that she would
reject me since she told me that she’s not
interested to be with someone yet because of
some personal reasons. When I told her the truth,
rather than rejection, I got friend-zoned. It's fine
though, I mean, it could’ve been worse. I’m used to
it, so getting friend-zoned is alright...

Not really. Both are not good, getting rejected and

getting friend-zoned. After that incident, It made
me sad for a few weeks. I didn’t even talk to her for
weeks too, and it got her confused that she
thought I got angry at her. Yes, I was actually angry
but not at her, but to myself. I knew from the start
that we didn’t start talking, or rather chatting to
become a couple. We only chatted because I
wanted to talk to someone and even if she let me
court her, what am I supposed to do? I don’t even
know how to court in person, and knowing the fact
that she lives a hundred miles away from me isn't
really helping. And there’s even a pandemic now,
for Pete's sake. So, whatever choice she picks, I
won’t have a say in it. I can’t even do anything to
express how much I have fallen for her. I find it
really frustrating that we live way too far from each
other. Perhaps if we lived closer to one other or
even had a chance to meet, we would be able to
surpass our current bond. I wished that if another
universe existed, we could be closer to one another
than we are today.

I stopped talking to her again for a few weeks when

I dared to ask her; ‘what if I wait for you?’ a day
after the day when my two best friend ask her
those questions. Unfortunately, she told me that I
shouldn’t because she said that I was only gonna
waste my time waiting. According to her, having a
relationship with someone who lives far away is
not easy. If we become a couple, my first
relationship would be a long-distance one and she
thought that I don't deserve that because it might
only hurt me. I took that as a rejection because of
how stupid I am.

It’s a good one though. She gave me reasons why I

shouldn’t do it. And so, I stopped. I distracted
myself by reading manga and watching Anime. I
even busied myself with my studies just to distract
my mind. But doing every single one of those
things was pretty useless. I still can’t get her out of
my head, I can’t stop thinking about her. I wanted
to message her and say ‘Hi’ and ask her about her
day. Good or bad, I will not get tired of listening to
her. I really wanted to talk to her but I can’t seem
to do it. Stupid, right?

When you thought that the reason why I didn’t talk

to you for weeks is that I am angry at you, but then
there’s me who thought that you hated me now,
knowing that I have fallen for you. We both
overthink about it, yes. We misunderstood each
other. Then my birthday came, you messaged me
"Happy birthday". It was the first time that you
chatted first. You came to talk to me and said that
you failed in school. What a weird way to start a
convo right? And from that, we started over again.
We got to know each other again. And we’ve
known some new things about each other too.
Technically, I already know a lot of things about
you since I asked a lot of questions. Thank you for
answering, by the way.
We never really stopped being friends. We started
talking about a lot of things again. You told me
about your past and about the things that you’ve
been struggling with at that time. We’ve been
doing that for months now and then something
happened again where I misunderstood you big
time. I didn't talk about it since I look really stupid
when I figured out what it actually is. Have not
been talking for 2 months but eventually came
back after some time. Why? Because we missed
each other. I missed you that I had to share some
posts as a sign that I want to come back to you
again and clear some stuff that I might
misunderstood about you again. After that, we
were good. I know we don’t talk that much
anymore like in the past since we really have
nothing to talk about. I just wanted you to know
that I will always be here for you, waiting. I’ll keep
on waiting for you. I’ll be here if you needed me. I
will not leave you. I’ll just be here, waiting for you
even if you don’t want me to. I insist to wait until
the time comes where you decide to be with
someone. I will not oblige you to pick me. You’re
free to pick whomever you think is best for you. I’ll
support you in every possible way that I can.
You know, If I were to describe our first meeting, It
would be this: me as the ‘Reader’ and you as the
‘Book’. An interesting book that I discovered
through someone's recommendation. An intriguing
book that I became hooked on while reading it. A
book that I would love to read over and over again
and never gets tired of reading it. A book that I
never knew I'd grow to fall in love with. A book
containing chapters with unique stories written on
them. Chapters that can make you feel sad, angry,
happy, scared, or even sympathetic. A book where
the 'reader' can’t do anything about it but to
continue reading it. It’s a story that you can’t
change even if you wanted to. No matter how hard
you try to change it, you couldn't change a single
word because the only thing that you can do is
‘read’ it. While reading her stories, you may have
found yourself hoping for a chance to turn some
things around and give her the actual happiness
she so truly deserved. You'd desire such happiness
for 'her' after reading the awful things that
happened to her in the previous chapters. You'd
want to give her a happy ending until the very end
of her story, so she can smile and be happy as her
journey continues.
That should be the only thing between us, me as
the supposedly ‘Reader’ and you as the ‘Book’. This
supposedly ‘Reader’, suddenly became a part of
the story. He became one of the characters in the
story of the book that he loved. But even though
this ‘reader’ became a part of the story, still, he
can’t do anything to change it. He became a useless
character in the book. He turned into a character
that did nothing to help the story become what he
thought it should be.

Maybe I showed up sooner than I should be? Or

maybe, I’m already too late? Or just maybe this is a
reminder that even if I the ‘reader’ who knows
‘her’ stories and even had the chance to become a
part of the story, I would still be ‘reading’ you like
what I supposed to. I should be happy that I got a
chance to be a part of your story, but why can't I? It
is so frustrating that, for a fact, I can’t do anything
to give you a good story. I know to myself that I can
make you happy. I have these ideas on how to
make your story turn into something good rather
than a story full of heartaches and sadness. Just
why? Why is it so hard to do? Why make me fall in
love with this ‘book’ and make me a part of it when
I can't even do anything but read it? These
situations and restrictions that befall me would
seem so hard to understand from another's point
of view. Maybe some would suggest that I should
give up and stop this nonsense already.

"You can’t do anything about it, so just stop trying."

"Just look at yourself, despite being part of ‘her’

story, you’re still nothing, you’re just a measly side
character that can only observe and wait."

Yes, that’s the only thing that I can do: to wait. To

wait for something to happen. Something
unpredictable, something that might turn this story
upside down. Who knows when the plot has
something good stored for ‘my character’, or
maybe something worse. Neither way, my
character still can't do anything about what's going
to happen in the 'book'. All I can do is wait,
observe, and hope for something good to happen.
Something that would change what we are now. I
just hope that it turns into something where this
story becomes a happy one. In the end, It's all up to
the 'book'.
I’ve read a few ‘books’ before discovering you. I’ve
read a book that betrayed the "reader's" trust and
left him completely broken and empty inside. A
book that the ‘reader’ had stopped reading
because of the misinterpretations that ‘book’ gave
to him that only left so much confusion. As a result,
the reader stopped reading it. Reading that 'book'
was the biggest mistake that he did. Some people
tried to recommend that 'book' again to the reader
so that he can understand 'her' stories well but
sadly, it was already too late and it would never
work again. Lastly, the very first book that I've tried
to read was a book where I tried hard to
understand the context but ended up with nothing.
The ‘reader’ didn't have the chance to understand
‘her’.

All of them had a lot of pages with different stories

written on them and I also had the chance to
become part of it. I also loved them in the past but
I also hated their stories. I also hated the
‘reader’(me) because he was way too innocent and
naive. He’s still too young to understand them. He
has no clue what he’s supposed to do at that time.
Hence, he doesn’t even know what’s going on. He’s
still a kid who's too innocent to understand that
everything that he has done has consequences. He
only thought about himself. But now, he learned.
He learned to think before deciding to do
something, he learned how to read every single
text of the book and be immersed in every
sentence that was being delivered to him. He
learned how to read the ‘book’ the way it was
supposed to, and he promised himself that he
would never repeat the same mistakes ever again.

And now, that young boy found another ‘book’. A

book that’s so different from the ones he already
read. A book that he didn’t expect to love. He
didn’t even expect that the book that just got
recommended to him would be the best book he
has ever known and read. The ‘book’ itself looks
like it experienced a lot. Pages with torn pieces and
a bunch of scribbles inside, but contain stories with
the right amount of uniqueness. Some of them are
so bizarre that would make you question it like,
"Why? why is this story so fucked up?", ''Why did
she experience these terrible things?". But when
you look closely at those scribbles, you’ll begin to
see words that say, "Why?" "Please, stop" and
"Help". Those words are left by ‘her’. Words that
are left unsaid by the person who made this book
and experienced those terrible things. She left
those scribbles as though she was screaming them
in agony.

This ‘book’ would literally leave you speechless in

every inch of its chapters. It would make you think
to yourself, “Why? Why does a person have to
experience those terrible things, she doesn’t even
deserve it and yet she has to deal with it alone?”. I
also experienced some terrible things in the past
and even up until now, but compared to her
traumas, mine would just be like a small piece of
broken glass. Reading ‘her’ is really a rollercoaster
ride. I really love this ‘book’. I’ll stay. I'll keep on
reading it and wait for something to happen. I love
this ‘book’ not because I sympathize with her
terrible stories. I like it because I want to see, or
rather, "read" the part when she finally gets the
happiness that she genuinely deserves, and I want
to still be there with her when she finally gets the
happiness that she has yearned for such a long
time.

That’s how I’ll describe the thing between us. And

that’s how I can explain this situation in the best
way I could. And it actually fit us. I am just an
‘extra’, while you’re the protagonist. You are
experiencing a lot o f things while I’m only here,
reading and looking at you from the sidelines. And
that is why I can only support you in the best way I
could from afar and only watch you and read the
text that you send to me to tell me the new story
that happened to you. Even if you think that it’s
boring or not interesting, I genuinely would be
happy to hear every detail of your story. Because I
am the reader that would be happy to keep track
of the stories that you made to add in your ‘book’.

[“Extras were just extras, while the protagonist

would be the protagonist. A story would be the
protagonist didn’t exist.”]

That’s just one of the lines that I’ve read in a novel

that I’m reading right now. When I read that line, I
felt that it’s has the same connection with me
being a character of your book now. I am just an
extra in your story. And you are the protagonist of
it, since it’s your story. And that’s our role is. And I
can’t do anything to change my role in your story.
But, even if I am just a mere extra in your story, I
still would do everything in my power to help you
and support you to reach the ‘Epilogue’ of your
story. Even if I can only help you a tiny bit because
I’m only a mere extra in this story, I still would be
the happiest ‘extra’ that ever been part of your
story.

I know that I fully describe our relationship as

‘reader’ and a ‘book’. And describing you in the
best way possible that I can. It might seems like I
know a lot about you for describing you like a
‘book’. It’s true that I know a lot about you,
because I already read you and keep re-reading
you whenever I get the chances to. And despite
that whole book describing thing, the truth is I still
don’t know much about you. honestly speaking, I
only describe you in my ‘own’ interpretation of
your stories that you told me. And by how you talk
to me. rather, how you chat with me, how you
change your mood a bunch of time in a single day,
how much you really you’re your friends, and a lot
of things that I can ‘interpret’ by reading you. And
just like one of the line from my favourite novel as
of now said…
[“in order to know a certain ‘story’, you needed to
understand it first. However, just like how it was
impossible to fully understand a human being, it
was also impossible to fully understand a story.”

“what can we can do instead, is to come up with an

interpretation of our own.”]

… I come up with a lot of things base on what I

‘interpret’ about your story that you have told me.
and how you express yourself to me. it’s like
knowing you based on what I have read. Knowing
some stuffs that you never told me about. And
honestly, I am amazed at myself, I am willing to
know you from just some bunch of texts. I read you
and trying you understand you with the sentences
that you’ve spoken. And that’s only happened to
you. I never wanted anything the same way I
wanted you. I never been willing to try to interpret
every single sentences the same way I tried to
interpret you. because, the truth is, I would never
do that. I would never do this to just anyone. I
wouldn’t even think about doing to this to anyone
in the first place. That’s why I’m impressed with
myself for liking you this much and willing to do all
those things that I never thought I would do. This
book is included in those things I never thought I
would do. And the most amazing part of this is that
I haven’t even met you in person yet.. it’s amazing
how you make me fall for you without even trying
to.

[“do you think that you would be able to

understand someone through just a few lines of
text in a couple of chapters?”]

No, I don’t think I can. I don’t even know if it’s

entirely possible to know someone through just a
few line of texts. Just because I know you from
your ‘story’ doesn’t mean I know you as a ‘person’.
Knowing someone’s story is different to knowing
someone for who she/he really is. Because every
story has a different view on each of its characters.
There might be a story where you’re the
antagonist, a story where you’re just an extra, and
a bunch of different type of character that you can
be in that story depending on what the person
who’s telling the story, to tell what kind of a
character are you in their story.
In short, I wanted to know you more. Not just from
some texts, and not in person too. I wanted to
know you from what I can see and what I can tell
from what you’re doing or even saying. Without
the ‘interpreting’ thing. I wanted to know you
without trying to understand you. it sound
confusing since it’s hard to explain it in the first
place. Let’s just interpret it like this shall we? I
wanted to know you more, even not in person. I
wanted to know you not just from your stories. I
wanted to know the ‘YOU’. The ‘you’ outside those
stories. The real you. my real interpretation of you,
not based on the stories that you told me.

You, the person who’s reading this. I wanted you to

think carefully and answer this question of mine. I
know that this seems out of nowhere and it’s like
breaking the 4th wall of the book or something.
But I just wanted to ask this very question. I know
that this story is dedicated for someone and if
you’re not ‘her’ then it’s okay to answer the
question too. Since she let you read this too, or I let
you read this too, I would also ask you to answer
this very question…
“if you’re the writer of your story. And are fully
aware of what’s happeing and what would
happened in the future. Would you still write the
terrible things that have happened to you?”

Surely if you didn’t write those bad things, your

story would be labeled as ‘boring’ by the people
who’s reading you story that you wrote based on
what you have experienced. Would you sacrifice
yourself and experience those things that you don’t
want to experience just to satisfy the people who’s
reading your story? Are you willing to do it? Just to
satisfy the readers? Because for me, if people are
the writer of their own story. Then, they are also
the ‘protagonist’ of their very own story. And if we
use that setting, then we’re reading and seeing
countless books every day. And we’re part of their
story too, it’s either we’re just a passerby, an extra,
the antagonist, or a protagonist too in their story.
We are part of their stories too. with a big role or
not, we can’t control how they portray us in their
story. And the most ironic part of it is this…

[“Even if we are the ‘writer’ of our own story. We

still can’t control it”]
…. And the things that we wrote in our ‘book’.
Didn’t came from our imaginations. Because if it is.
Then our life would ne much easier. We’ll give
ourselves a story where nothing wrong happens.
And our story would become ‘boring’ because no
one wants a story where everything is right and
nothing interesting is happening. What we actually
wrote in our book is the ‘experience’ that we
already have experienced. And we just wrote those
‘experienced’ to create the thing that we called a
‘book’. Now let’s get back to the question and let
me change it a little for you to fully understand the
question now…

“If you’re the writer of your own story and full

aware of what’s happening and what’s going to
happened in the future. Would you still write and
‘experience’ those terrible things again just for
someone to read your story in your book?”

I just wanted to ask that question. It’s up to you if

you would answer it or not. You’re not obliged to
answer it either. I just wanted to ask that very
question out of curiosity. Whatever your answer is,
it is based on what you really interpret it, and how
you wanted your stories to really be. It’s up to you.
because we are the WRITER of our own stories
right? Then your choice of answer is really based
on what you really wanted. And it’s your answer,
so you shouldn’t deny the fact that your answer is
either one of the ‘yes or no’ answer.

And you know, we might be the author responsible

for creating our own book, but we are also a
powerless god in it. A god that couldn’t even save
itself. A god who was simply a part of this vast,
boundless story. A god who have no choice but to
keep writing and experiencing those things that are
labeled as ‘Interesting’ for the readers.

I am happy that you let me read your book. Even if

you just wanted to share it. I am still glad that you
trusted me and telling me those stories that I, the
person that didn’t deserve to know those stories.
Because I also did something that can be part of
the chapter where a person did something bad to
you. I am genuinely thankful for that. And I am also
genuinely sorry for it. I’m okay even if you don’t
forgive me either too. because I do not deserved
that forgiveness of yours. I shouldn’t be here
anymore you know? I don’t even know why I’m still
here in the first place. I did left you multiple times
and for some reason I am still here. And until now,
just recently I did something really terrible again.

Things are good before that happened too. I don’t

know what’s wrong with me for doing a stunt like
that. Am I really that stupid? I guess I really am.
You even said that it’s your fault too, and the truth
is I am the one at fault there. No matter how you
look at it, you wouldn’t find anything that you are
at fault. Yes you got upset because of what I said.
But it’s my fault for upsetting you. so you shouldn’t
blame yourself. You don’t need to be humble about
it too and try to blame yourself for being offended
because I made a joke about some serious thing
without clarifying it as a ‘joke’ either. And because
of that, I feel awkward talking to you now. I wanted
to chat you so much I would do anything to just
have a conversation again. But, I can’t do it. I feel
really guilty that I might do it again to you. I don’t
want you to blame yourself because of something
stupid that I said. I wanted the best for you but I
am the one giving you a headache. I shouldn’t let
my personal jealousy because of that ‘guy’. I’m
gonna be straight here. I did those joke without
thinking because of jealousy. Stupid right? I am
really sorry for that. I shouldn’t be jealous since
we’re not in a you know what kind of relationship
so I have no right for being jealous.

It’s just that. I know you hate him, but he’s a good
friend so you’re okay with him. And you have no
plans to being with him. But the longer I see it, the
more angrier I get. But I don’t know. I might just
overthinking it too. who am I to judge your
relationship with him. So yeah, I’m pretty stupid for
feeling that. And because of that, I can’t talk with
you now. He pisses me off more because of that.

I know that there’s a lot of guys that are also liked

you the same way as mine. Or they might even
likes you much more than me. well that is a normal
thing for someone as beautiful as you. I can
actually hear you typing and saying that you are
not beautiful. But you really are beautiful so don’t
even think about typing it and saying it to me, even
my friend says it too. well it’s two of my sister like
friend that says that too. And I am proud bragging
about you. they might even sick of me bragging
about you to them too. anyway let’s get back to
what I’m talking about. You know what’s
frustrating about those guys that likes you too? it’s
like you wanted compete with them for you but at
the same time you can’t. it’s like throwing rocks on
the opposite of a tall wall and not knowing where
the rocks are falling into. Meanwhile, the other
guys that like you, especially the ones that live
closer to you, they can have a clear view. Their
view is a bit foggy since you don’t wanted to be in a
relationship but once they show efforts like what
the other guy that you know who I’m talking about.
They can win against me easily. Like totally a
winnable game for them. While there’s me, still
throwing rocks on the opposite side of this big tall
wall and hoping that it lands on you somewhere
there and look at me beyond that wall. It’s a bit
frustrating because I don’t want to lose. Just
because we’re pretty close and so I needed to give
them a handicap. A handicap that can raise my
chance to, let’s just say like 5% to 1%? Yeah
something like that. I lived way to far and you don’t
know me that much ‘in person’ so it’s hard to trust
someone that you only have known through some
texts. Do I accept giving them a handicap? Yup,
why? Because I don’t have a choice. But all that
frustration, I’m totally fine with it. Even if I don’t
win. Whoever you choose from those guys, I would
be proud of you and be happy for you.

Remember the night when you told me that your

best friend wanted to talk to guy that would court
you? well, I literally readied myself later that night.
While waiting for your reply which you didn’t,
because you have fallen asleep already. I didn’t get
enough sleep even though I have exam the next
day. Good thing it got cancelled and got moved on
the other day so don’t worry about it. I spent the
whole night having some imaginary debate and
getting asked with some questions about courting
you. I don’t know if they know about me but who
knows. What I do know is that ‘Yashin’ your best
friend knows me as ‘Manila Scorpio Boy’. That’s
name really gets me laughing thinking about that
nickname. I spend having a ‘Question and Answer’
against them. I even took some notes of some
obvious question that would be asked. I spent
totally 3 hours debating in the dark on my room.
Just for me to forget about it the next morning.
Good thing I took some notes. And not just them I
needed to worry about. You even said that if I court
you I’m gonna have another ‘Questions and
Answers’ portion with your mother side of your
family. While I’m gonna have literal fight with your
brother from your father side. And some other
‘Questions and Answers’ portion with your cousins.
Am I scared? Yeah, totally scared. Especially with
your father side. I’m built like a twig. If we’re gonna
have a fight, I would literally get massacred. I
would be tear into little bits of pieces. so maybe
let’s just resolve it to some online games or
whatever since I’m quite proud of my skills there.
No? okay, guess I need to exercise now I guess. To
get ready just in case. (Imagine doing all that and
readying yourself for that just to get dump on,
HAHAHAHAHA.)