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Attraction, Love and Commitment

Romantic relationships are said to be the core of the social life of many teenagers from
middle to late adolescence. During this stage, there is really much thought, talking, and
fantasizing about being in a romantic relationship. Though most adolescent romantic
relationships are short-lived, one cannot deny that it has a great impact in an
adolescent life and it may determine their commitment in their future relationships. The
activity that you have done before the lesson aim to involve you on the ensuing
discussion about attraction, love, commitment and being responsible in a relationship.

Developmentally, intimacy is an issue expected at this point in time of every teenager

and it has to be handled properly so that one can successfully progress to the next level
and be able to handle developmental tasks that come with adulthood. A major
challenge According to Erik Erikson in this developmental stage is characterized by a
tag between intimacy and isolation. He noted that failure to establish a satisfying
relationship can make a person aloof, dependent or needy. If not, he/she may feel self-
absorbed and not needing others, thus, may create a sense of isolation and a feeling
of deep loneliness. This is why every teenager must understand the dynamics of
attraction, love and commitment and find ways to be responsible as one explore this
important moment in a teenage life. Let us now talk of attraction.

“I LIKE YOU”: Interpersonal Attraction

Weiten (2014) defines interpersonal attraction as having positive feeling towards

someone. It covers many experiences which include a feeling of liking, sense of
admiration, friendship, desire and love toward another person. Here are some of the
factors that can account for the development of attraction:

1. PHYSICAL ATTRACTION - this is attraction based on physical appearance. Often,

at the initial stage of dating or getting-to-know-each-other, being physically
attracted to the person significantly influences the course of the relationship.

2. PROXIMITY – this is said to be the best predictor of liking and loving. When people
are geographically near each other, they anticipate interaction and this leads to
the likelihood of repeated exposure

3. SIMILARITIES - many studies show that similarities tend to pull people together to
form a bond. But there are also case when attraction cultivate similarities by
influencing the attitudes or opinions of the other so an agreement can be
achieved. This is what social psychologists called “attitude alignment”. For
 example, you and your significant other have different opinions about sports you
like which sometimes causes conflict. But, in your desire to maintain the
closeness. You then begin to develop a liking of the other’s interests, which
relatively helps strengthen the relationship.

4. RECIPROCITY OF FEELINGS - studies show that people are inclined to like those
who like them. Consequentially, love begets love. In a relationship, this becomes
possible by giving positive feedback to the other which enhances the good
feeling that one has about oneself

Liking is said to be the first step towards loving. Though it is true that “love at first sight
happens”, modern science has proven that love really starts with attraction. The more
the object of attention is thought of, the more pervasive and stronger the attraction
gets. Eventually it could turn into frustration or pursuance of the person one admires.
And if by some chance the person one admires returns the attention, a new and more
exciting level starts. I like you could turn into “I Love You”. Let us now take a look at one
of the important phases and expression of attraction; Courtship.

Courtship, as a phase of attraction prior to engagement and marriage, involves

“getting to know each other” and serves as a basis for the persons on whether or not
they will continue their relationship and upgrade to a higher level. The following are the
stages of courtship:

1. Dating: This process involves getting to know the person and spending a fun
friendly association with him/her. Eating out in restaurants, watching movies, and
malling are usual activities in dating. This stage usually involves no commitment.

2. Selective Stage: In this stage, a person makes a decision on whether or not

he/she will continue seeing a particular individual and selects whom he/she
wants to have a steady romantic relationship with.

3. Going steady: In this stage, a sort of romantic relationship is made official. It

involves “mutual understanding’ between two people, an agreement that they
will date each other exclusively, and (sometimes), with an intention on marrying
each other in the future.

4. Engagement Period: Couples in this stage are formally and publicly known to be
‘engaged’. It involves a promise to marry each other at a set date in the future.

As you can see, relationship is a really exciting and joyful part of being a teenager. It
started from liking or attraction but can eventually lead to a deeper kind of relationship.
Though not every teenager may experience this, no one can deny that having
relationships at this stage in life adds color to the wonderful journey of an adolescent
towards adulthood.
“Some people are worth melting for“– Olaf, Frozen

“I LOVE YOU”: The Power of Love

What is love? How do you define love? Books and thousands of literature explained
love in so many ways. Aron and Aron (1991) defined love as “set of thoughts, feelings
and actions associated with a desire to enter or maintain a close relationship with a
specific person”. Though we may find a lot of definition about love, just the thought of
the love bring smile to faces and joy to the heart. We will now look at the different
perspectives or definition of love from the biblical, scientific, philosophical and
psychological point of view.

1. Biblical Definition

The definition of love given in the Bible is already the perfect kind of love: love that is
selfless and all giving. It is an ideal standard to strive for in a relationship. The first letter of
Paul to the Corinthians (13:4-8) says:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does
not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of
wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects,
always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are
tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

2. Scientific Perspective

Love is a powerful drive that excites the brain and sets a neurological condition, such
that neurotransmitters release different chemicals in the body. First our body manifests
some signs when in love, like flushed cheeks, racing heartbeats, and sweaty or shaky
hands. Inside, there is a lot going on as different stages of falling in love take place.

Studies shows that romantic love is universal. Out of 166 societies, 147 studies have
shown evidence of romantic love, and where romantic love is defined as an intense
longing for union with another person encompassing amalgamation of behaviors,
cognitions and emotions (Diamond & Dickenson, 2012).

Strong empathy towards the loved one – and a desire for emotional and physical
union- are felt when one is in love. On the other hand, physical separation induces
separation anxiety. Love does bring happiness, sadness, anxiety, jealousy and when
unreciprocated, it brings loneliness and anger.
 3. Philosophical Formulations (Ancient)

Philosophers of Ancient Greece had pondered on love. Their thoughts led then into
thinking of love in different ways. Here are some examples:

 “At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet” – Plato

 Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies – Aristotle

Plato believed that Love aims at beautiful and good things because the possession of
beautiful and good things lead man to his/her final end, that is happiness or from the
words of Aristotle, the “Eudaimonia” (Ultimate Happiness). Of all the good and beautiful
things, the best, most beautiful is truth or wisdom. Which is why Plato called love not a
god but a philosopher (Burton, 2016).

The Greeks have also identified four different kinds of love namely:

1. EROS – simply put, it means sense of being in love. It is described as a passionate

love between two individuals.

2. PHILIA – means love between friends. It is the type of love shared with friends in
school, organization or society

3. STORGE – affectionate love for the family. It is love that is shared naturally.

4. AGAPE – means unconditional love. It suggests something divine, devotional and

sacrificing. It describes a love that is pure and selfless.

4. From a Psychological Point of View

After a lot of researches, many psychologists would agree that there are generally two
types of love, i.e., Passionate Love and Companionate Love. According to Myers (2010),
Passionate love is an intense longing for union with one another. People who are
passionately in love express it physically like hugging, holding hands, etc. and wants the
relationship to be exclusive. This type of love is intense, emotional and exciting and if
not taken care of properly and steadily, this intense form of could love can simmer
down through time.

On the other hand, Companionate Love is a type of love which refers to the love we
feel for those whom our lives are intertwined. This is the type of love that one feels
towards friends, family and special someone. This love is steady and involves
affectionate attachment (Myers, 2010).

A psychologist by the name of Robert Sternberg proposed a triangular theory of

love which encompasses the human experiences of love. Dr. Sternberg’s triangle
consists of three main elements - commitment, intimacy and passion – each
representing the corner of triangle as presented in the figure below:
https://sexinfoonline.com/love-and-attachment/

Passion relates to one’s attraction to a person in a romantic and erotic

sense. Commitment on the other hand refers to one’s willingness to stay with a certain
person. Lastly, Intimacy refers to how connected, bonded and close one is to
someone. This points to the friendship part of the relationship, the extent to which one
knows the person’s hopes, dreams and fears.

From these three dimensions, different types of love are formed:

1. Liking or Friendship: there is intimacy (characterized by closeness or

connections). It is described as having extreme closeness without obligation or
promise.

2. Infatuation: there is passion (romantic attachment, desire to be with the other

person, love at first sight). This refers to desire without closeness or obligation.

3. Empty Love: there is commitment but intimacy and passion are gone. Here,
obligation is present but there is neither desire nor closeness. Example of which is
the relationship maintained by couples living under the same roof for family
reasons but living separate lives.

4. Romantic Love: there is intimacy and passion (emotional connections and

passionate expressions). It comprises a short-lived severe feeling and association
but may disappear if a meaningful emotional relationship is not sustained
because of lack of obligation.

5. Companionate Love: there is intimacy and commitment. This is the kind of love
you have with someone you share your life with, like your family. This sometimes
happen in marriage.
 6. Fatuous Love: there is passion and commitment, but intimacy or closeness is not
present (e.g. Whirlwind Romance). There is obligation and craving, but no
closeness. This usually happens when a couple falls in love hastily enters marriage
without much intimacy or friendship.

7. Consummate Love: Intimacy, Love and Commitment are present. Sternberg

called it as the “perfect” type of love. It makes true love possible and allows the
couple to face the challenges of life. Couples here are not just lovers, but are
also best friends.

As you can see, we can have a lot of definition or explanation about what love is. We
may have seen movies, read books and listen to different music that show us the real
meaning of love, but we one can never really prepare the moment when it hits. As Sir
Francis Bacon would put it: “I have the reason to love, but that reason I cannot
explain”. Truly, love is more than what we can expressed through words.

The Call to Commitment

Jean Paul Sartre said that “commitment is an act, not a word”. In a relationship,
commitment is not simply saying “I Love You” and making a public declaration of that
feeling on special occasions. Commitment is to make a promise, pledge and a
decision to stay despite the twists and turns encountered in a relationship. In the
Philippine Cultural context, may would say that marriage (marriage contract) is the
concrete expression of commitment as it is legally binding.

There are teenage partners who promised commitment in high school and remained
together for long, some even ended up to marriage. But there are also relationships
that do not last.

Does it mean that teenagers are still not capable of commitment? The answer is NO.
Adolescents keep on exploring and discovering what they really wanted in life and as
they develop, especially when they reach late adolescent stage, they begin to
contemplate devoting themselves to a lasting relation.

What makes a relationship healthy? Teens Health (2013) gives several key factors that
one can consider to healthy relationship:

1. Mutual Respect. Young people need to consider their partner’s limitations and
boundaries for the relationship to flourish. They must learn to respect the other
person’s need and wants.

2. People in a relationship should cultivate trust and at the same time make extra
effort to be deserving of such trust. In case jealousy strike, which is a normal
emotion, both parties should take care not to inflict harm on each other.

3. Little acts of dishonesty can become the cause of misunderstanding and may
eventually lead to breakup. Stay loyal and above all remain faithful.
 4. Support should be given during good times or bad times. It always feels good to
have a shoulder to lean on especially during tough times.

5. Fairness and Equality. Both parties should establish a give-and-take-approach to

make the relationship work. This way, the relationship becomes healthy and
works to the advantage of both.

6. Separate Identities. A healthy relationship allows compromises. Young partners

should feel free to develop new interests, make new friends and enjoy life to the
fullest.

7. Good Communication. It is advisable for teens to talk things out instead of

bottling up their feelings. It is equally important to let the significant other know
what makes one uncomfortable or distressed.

Red Flags

Have you heard of the word Red Flag in a relationship? Red flags are indicators that
something needs to be questioned or otherwise validated for these might lead to
trouble in the future if not address properly. This often results to unhealthy relationships.
Here are some relational red flags to look out for:

1. Too many limitations that affect your growth. There are so many dos and don’ts
that you have little space to be yourself.

2. Lack of trust and communication. There are people who instead of becoming
honest, tend to distance themselves emotionally leaving the partner hanging or
deal situations on their own.

3. Conditional love. I love you if you…” “I will do this if you will” are common
expression of people who puts condition in a relationship. And when one cannot
give or satisfy the other, relationship weaken and could lead to breakup.

4. Forcing the other into doing sexual activities that violate his/her values. Always
remember that mutual respect is very important in a relationship.

5. Abuse in any form. All forms of abuses be it verbal, physical, psychological or

emotional should never be tolerated. In fact many would say that it is not just a
red flag but a huge banner telling you to get out immediately of the relationship.

Please bear in mind that as teenagers, you can still have fun and enjoy life even if you
are not in a relationship. Entering into a relationship is never a MUST especially if you feel
that you are not yet prepared for it. Intimacy and connectedness can still be achieved
through meaningful friendships. Romance can wait. After all, the right person whom you
can be forever with is worth the wait.
READING: Expressing Attraction: Acceptable and Unacceptable Behaviors

For teenagers who are already in romantic relationships, the goal should be to further
know each other so that they could make decisions as to whether they continue being
in the relationship, or to part ways. The goal should not be to like everything about the
other person, or to hide from the other person things about you that he/she might not
like. Since there is already the mutually expressed liking for each other, expressed
verbally or in writing, “I like you” and/or “I love you”, there is already that emotional
connection or attachment between the two persons. This emotional connection then
needs or wants to be followed- through with physical connection, or physical intimacy.

Physical intimacy starts with holding hands, arms on shoulders (akbay), hands on the
waist (side-to-side embrace), brief hugs, which progress to prolonged embracing,
stroking and petting. Kissing also progresses from pecks on the cheek, to the lips, to
prolonged kissing, and on to necking.

Different people (among students and even among teachers and parents) will vary in
their judgments on what is acceptable and what is already unacceptable. Thus,
exerting effort to agree on what is acceptable and what is no longer acceptable, is
helpful only for crafting a student handbook for inside-the-campus behavior. But for
behavior outside the campus, a better guideline is one that is personal – decided on by
oneself, rather than imposed by an external authority like teachers or parents.

The progression of physical intimacy described above eventually leads to the desire to
have sexual expressions, more especially true for the men. That is why it date rape
happens. If the female however agrees to the sexual expression, the risks they are
taking are teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

In crafting one’s personal guideline on physical intimacy, the question might not be
“How far is too far?”, but “Will this be worth it?”

Going back to the premise of liking another person and being liked in return, physical
intimacy may cloud one’s self-worth to depend on how much physical expression of
affection is showered on him / her. Also, one’s liking for the other person might now get
hinged on the physical pleasure one gets, making him / her blind on the other person’s
flaws and faults, which if not for the physical intimacy, should have been enough
reason for them to end the relationship. (e.g. unkind speech, irrational behavior,
addictions like alcoholism, smoking, gambling, etc.)

Also, let us go back to the goal of being in romantic relationships – to spend just enough
time together to get to know each other more, without getting too emotionally and
physically attached to each other, thus avoiding the risks of date rape, early
pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases. Thus the question, “Will it be worth it?