It is when I cry in silence and in mind that I think I finally lost you.

It’s been more than a month when I

decided to not cry anymore. To let go of you because I always believe that when something is yours, it
will stay but if it doesn’t, it has never been yours to begin with. Just the lines from the main character I
kept after watching Indecent Proposal. I remembered the countless succeeding nights I visited you,
begged for you to go back in my arms yet I was always told to go back home. Maybe, I was just in denial.
That losing my grip while you asked for some space might be the end of us, in totality. And what
drowned me is my own fear.
Nights were like years to me. I was so devastated not just in those times but while I also am writing this. I
do not want to recall how not so lady-like I was. Those times hit me like there’s no tomorrow. I grappled
with self-inflicting pain. I blamed myself and no one else. Have seen a corpse instead of a living. The
heaviness poured down as much as I crawled into the lighter side of things. That was the first time you
have saved me in front of your loved one. The one you loved the most. That one creature you don’t want
to hurt. Maybe, that was the least thing you could do for me. Maybe, that’s what you think would be best
for us. That dancing at your room suddenly stopped when she came in. I put myself to shame. If this was
God’s plan to wound me, I should’ve seen it coming. But if this was Papa God’s way in saving me from
further danger, then I am thankful.
I deny not when I say, I still miss you every single day. My prayers, just like the old days, still include
you ‘til now. I will not miss your scent because I have known them too well. Might as well say, I have
worn them too. I have not missed your voice for they reverberate even in dreams, beautiful dreams just
like how your soul touches everyone. I do not miss your face ‘cause I memorized every point that there is.
I have traced the thickness of your brows and how they suddenly make a swift move upward when you’re
surprised and excited. Your nose. Just your nose. I’ll stop there. How I loved to touch them for it will
make you cringe. But still letting me do it. I know, I know, you don’t like them but I love them. Love the
holes of your noses (just in case you questioned my using of they, LOL). Your mouth which voiced
stories even in the midst of a conversation when I requested for one, you’d promptly tell one. I wasn’t
informed that it was taught in your major. Your mouth, I’ll repeat, is so sexy. Your eyes, your everything,
I hope will still be mine. It is okay if it’s not now. I could wait a little longer. Even if it’s forever.

That’s what a loyal heart does. It waits patiently. It doesn’t rush. It must be at peace and whole in its own.
I pray to God that I’ll still end up using your surname. Love, I love the irony it always brings. More than
that, I love the person who bears the name I could never forget. If waiting means forever, It’ll take
nothing in bargain.

Whether you come back or not, it is my choice to stay in love with you. I couldn’t imagine anyone other
than you.
Love. Dayday_barangirit