Bipolar X Law School

By: Safora Alaman

If only I could turn back time and choose another path, I would rather have stayed closer to
home than moved away for college.

It was an unfortunate, gloomy, and rainy day at school. Our grades were announced and I
couldn’t grab a good hold of my clumping throat due to my failing Math grade. I was holding
back tears while silently walking through our building’s corridor. It felt like the whole world was
against me because people, especially my family, were expecting a lot from me and yet there I
was failing them big time at the first semester of everything in college.

I was a newbie there at school who felt so unsheltered and traumatized by my first ever “singko”
grade coupled with the subsequent decision that after that incident, I did choose to distance
myself from most of my classmates and remain
aloof instead to everyone as I reasoned out to my “hurt heart” that day that, “Not a single soul
of them came to my rescue, aide, and comfort, thus, I shall not be with them.”

But that story was so many years ago that I have already forgiven myself and the people who
have caused me pain, whether they were aware of it or not. Forgiveness is the reward I give
myself for being strong and conquering it all through God’s grace, too. If He can forgive, what
right do I have to remain a rock deep inside, right?

Now, many years later, I’m currently pursuing law as a student.

Contextualizing Bipolar Disorder in law school sure is difficult. It’s like carrying a bag of
dragging, heavy rocks inside your backpack each day and expecting yourself to tick off every to-
do list and then finding that you just can’t do it all even during your best days. This “dragging
state” is mainly caused by the effects of a mix of antidepressants that gives signals to your brain
to take things slow and easy, thus, the usual drowsiness and even the agonized slow metabolic
process. To add the cherry on top, a person who suffers from this disorder is also more prone to
abnormal weight gain especially if not properly disciplined or mitigated.

I wish I am lying but this one is definitely true. My sister and mom would even used to call me
names like “Jollibee” and “Boyba” for being so fat and always horking things down in one
seating. I would spend my money mostly on foods that are unhealthy. This means good-bye to
Instagramable body pics like that of Julia B. and Kim Chiu plus Maymay Entrata’s slender body
that fits like a model.

In overall law school demands, being bipolar also becomes a challenge especially in wanting to
remain awake more at night while being unallowed to drink coffee, for instance, as it is found by
research to trigger insomnia that may, in turn, alter moods that can result in mood swings either
to the manic (extremely happy) and/or depressive (extremely sad) episode or a mix of both. One
thing that can be done to solve this problem is to take a bath again before you study and light
coffee-flavored scented candles which is what I do.

Meanwhile, for the sake of awareness, Bipolar is just categorized as a mental health problem
because there are no other illnesses or disorders that fall under the category of an “emotional”
one, according to my psychiatrist in her take on the confusion and ambiguity.

There is no intention to discriminate against other people, but at least, because of the previously
mentioned fact, my family and I are more hopeful to see me in remission forever as God would
help and allow.

Thankfully, Bipolar Mood Disorder is one of the most talked about mental illnesses now and is
more comprehensively studied in Psychiatry. Therefore, there are not only medications to cure it
now but also various compassionate and open-minded voices that seek to eradicate completely
the social stigma against issues like it.

In my more than 10 years of being a Bipolar patient, I am now almost used to people just
passing me by – people who just come and go. I have hurt quite a lot of friends before and have
offended some, too. I have lost important ties due to my distorted appreciation of things that
actually happened differently.

My faith went weary but at the very least, what I am so much grateful to God for this burden and
blessing in my life is that, through this hardship of mine, He has revealed to me the true people
who stuck always beside me. More than my immediate families and relatives, it gives me hope,
strength, and encouragement that I have also found the same kind of people in my life, too, that
exist here in the swarming pool of what is known as the Jurassic Park. Being Bipolar in this Park
may not exactly be an easy-breezy walk in the park but I know and trust God that it will be so
much worth it.

No more mental health stigma. Just beautiful hearts of open-minded and compassionate
people. Communities where everyone feels safe to express him/herself is what we must have,
hold and promise for the future.