EFFECTIVE PARENTING

Introduction

Readings:
Ephesians 6 : 1-4 Children, it is your Christian duty to obey your parents, for this is the right thing to do. “Respect your father and mother”
is the first commandment that has a promise added: “so that all may go well with you, and you may live a long time in the land. Parents, do
not treat your children in such a way as to make them angry. Instead, raise them with Christian discipline and instruction.

Colossians 3 : 20–21 Children, it is your Christian duty to obey your parents always, for that is what pleases God. Parents, do not irritate
your children, or they will become discouraged.

Pause and reflect.

Lessons for Children

1. Obey your parents ... because it is proper and it is what God wants.
2. Respect them ... this comes with a promise: you will prosper and live longer.
3. Follow them … for it is pleasing to the Lord.

Lessons for Parents

1. Don't provoke your children to rebel against you because of your excessive discipline.
2. Fathers: don't scold your children too much, they will lose self-respect, self-esteem, self-confidence.

Why should we take parenting seminar?

Because children today are not like us when we were children during our time.

Examples: Agree/Disagree?
1. Before: When our parents look at us, we pay attention to them, we stop what we're doing and behave.
Today: They don't mind us; if we look & stare at them, they will look back & stare at us also.
2. Before: When they call us, we approach them immediately.
Today: They ask from where they are: Why? What's the matter?
3. Before: We are not allowed to ask “why?”
Today: They won't follow if they don't clearly understand what we're asking them to do.
4. Before: Before we go anywhere, we first ask our parents' permission, and will only dress up, if they allow us to go.
Today: Children are already dressed up and are about to leave before they ask permission from us.
5. Before: When there are visitors at home, the children go inside their rooms and do not mingle in adults’ conversation.
Today: The children stay at the receiving room and eat with the visitors or they are the ones who entertain them.
6. Before: When asked to buy something from the store, we give back the change or excess.
Today: They keep the change as "tip".

Three Things Parents Must Value

1. Family
2. Health
3. Work/Business

It should be in this order of priority. If reversed, so that work comes first before health and family something will breakdown and the savings
will be spent. How? Someone gets sick, gets hospitalized, or dies -- all these involve a lot of expenses.
Another example: When the children are neglected -- they'll grow up quarrelsome, with vices, get into trouble, be apprehended and
imprisoned -- the savings will just be used to pay the bail.
Parents should maintain this order of priority: family, health & work.

The life of Jesus also showed importance to family:

a. He spent three hours on the cross
b. He spent three years of public life -- teaching, preaching, healing
c. He spent 30 years of hidden family life with Joseph and Mary, there is where Jesus formed His values.
After 30 years of preparation - He became very effective, well-prepared for His mission.
Jesus’ first miracle happened in a family.
Start of His public ministry - Wedding at Canaan - water transformed into wine

Three Graces We Must Ask from the Lord

1. Courage to be imperfect.

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  we are not perfect (we also commit mistakes)
 be able to accept it
 accepting it will make it easy for us to ask forgiveness from our children
 not accepting it will make it difficult for us to ask forgiveness / to be humble
Example: A plate is broken in our home. If the child did it, Mother will be very mad, her voice will be heard all over. If Mother did it,
no one can get mad, the place will be quiet.
2. Humility to change ourselves first.
 This is the first rule in family therapy: Parents should change first if they want the children to change.
 If parents won't change, the children will also not improve.
 Parents may start to apply the lessons in this seminar.
3. The joy of parenthood.
 Being a parent is a privilege, not a burden.
 It is a mission, not a punishment.
 Parents should be joyful in raising up their children.
 They should not be resentful/hopeless/desperate of their children (many parents are).
 Avoid negative expressions such as:
- If I had known that you will be bad/like that, I would not have allowed -you to live.
- Get lost, I don't want to see your face.
- You’re just like your father.
Let us pray to the Lord that we become joyful as parents.
Our children are consolations to us, sources of our joy:
 when they have honors in school
 when our children are the topic of discussion

Three Questions We Will Answer in this Seminar

1. What is your parenting style?
2. Why do children misbehave?
3. How to become a positively empowered parent?

WHAT IS YOUR PARENTING STYLE?

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Three Types of Parents
1. Autocratic
 very strict and cruel
 the hard side of love
2. Permissive
 very lax, over-considerate, consenting
 the soft side of love
3. Authoritative
 strict but reasonable
 understanding, patient, listening
 firm but gentle

How do we know one's parenting style?

Listen to thesecommon expressions!

Examples of common expressions. Guess the parenting style

1. "Whether you like it or not, in this house my decision prevails. If you can't live with it, get out!"
Answer: Autocratic - because it implies that only him has the rights.
2. “Don't reprimand him anymore. I pity him. Just give him what he wants, so there won't be any problem.”
Answer: Permissive
3. “I don't want our children to go through the difficulties in life that I have experienced. Honey, please, give to him what he is asking.”
Answer: Permissive
4. “My son, can you please come here and let's talk. What do you want to take up in college? I'd like to know so we could determine
whether we can afford the tuition fees or not.”
Answer: Authoritative
5. “In college, I want you to take up Computer Engineering. You wont’ get rich if you're just a teacher ...”
Answer: Autocratic - because he thinks he's the best.
6. “Children, you better listen to us. We've already been there, while you're still on your way. What do you know about life?”
Answer: Autocratic - because he's the only one who knows.
7. “Don't you realize that I am your parent... that I was born ahead of you".
Answer: Autocratic - because he believes he is more experienced.
8. “You owe your life to me! You can't do anything to repay me for everything I have done for you. Imagine, I put my own life at stake for
you when I was giving birth to you."
Answer: Autocratic - ownership

Characteristics of Autocratic Parents

1. He has all the rights. He is the most experienced. He has the best ideas. He is always correct.
2. He thinks he can do with his children whatever he wants to because they are his. He thinks he owns them.
3. He is cruel and very selfish, thinking mostly of his own convenience as parent.
4. He is fond of devising rules that lead to dysfunction.
Examples of Dysfunctional Rules
a. Don’t play!
Explanation: When you play, you might get hurt, then I have to bring you to the doctor. You'll again add to my already mounting
concerns here at home.
Complication: A child not allowed to play becomes, as an adult:
 very serious, rigid, perfectionist, a strict manager
 would not know how to play even with his own children, or competes with his own children when they play
b. Don’t talk!
Explanation: If you talk or when you talk back at me, what will our neighbors think? They might think that I don't know how to handle
you properly.
Complication: A child not allowed to talk by his parents becomes, as an adult:
 very passive, remains quiet even when already aggrieved
 or the opposite -- abusive in language, always yelling, talks in a loud voice and curses very casually
c. Don’t feel!
Explanation: Don't cry. You're a man. Men do not cry. The passerby will say you’re gay. I will be embarrassed, I don't want them to
think that my son is a homosexual.
Complication: A child not allowed to feel/cry (emotions suppressed), as an adult, tends to:
 be temperamental, very impulsive, and unable to control his emotions
 be always looking for somebody to blame
 or when hurt, have no feelings at all or be unable to recognize even his own feelings
Example: When overtaken in traffic, he gets angry, draws his gun and fires because he cannot control his feelings. All he
knows is to retaliate or hurt other people.

d. Don’t trust!
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 Explanation: Don't go out, there are bad people/ghosts out there. In the church, the children are told to keep quiet; otherwise Jesus
will get mad at them.
Complication: A child not allowed to trust develops mistrust and distrust in other people.
5. Autocratic parents tend to be unreasonable.
Examples:
a. Asking the child to run petty errands when the child is busy doing her assignments.
b. The father is watching TV, the child comes and changes the channel without asking permission from the father. The father will surely
get angry and say, “Don't just change channels when someone is watching?” When it is the other way around, it is okay for the
father to change the channel.
6. With autocratic parents, it’s all "don't do this, don't do that"; the emotion of the children is suppressed
 children are full of responsibilities but no freedom
 children don't know how to express themselves clearly, how to deal with people and how to adapt to a particular situation
 children may have high IQ, but develop low EQ (Emotional Quotient)
Note: Companies nowadays value EQ more than IQ. They put weight on whether applicants are mature emotionally, whether they
know how to relate with people, whether they can handle problems and difficulties.
7. Autocratic Parents are fond of inflicting physical and verbal punishment on their children.
a. Physical - spanking/punishing them physically
- danger of temporary insanity
b. Verbal - emotional infliction of pain
- violence of our tongue
- use of downer words/curses (which are self-fulfilling prophecies)
Examples: bullshit, moron, parasite, idiot, addict, drunkard, prostitute, good for nothing, glutton, psychotic, autistic,
hayop ka, tanga, gago, tamad, buwisit, tarantado, etc.
“From what I see in you, I can tell that you will not be able to finish your studies - and so it happened; he did not
graduate.”
Castigo - physical punishment, hitting on any part of the body
Rejection - parents telling the child to "go away, stop embracing me, you're dirty take a bath first"
- “Ma, I am second honor in our class.” Mother commenting, "why not first?"
- “Pa, my grade is 80.” “Why not 85?”
- “Pa, here, this time I got 85.” “Why not 90?”
Ignore - silent treatment, cold shoulder treatment
Terrorize - “do you want this” (nakaakma ang kamao)
- “if I die because of this, you'll see.”
Isolate - physically " stay inside the dark room"
- "face the wall"
- "you can't join your friends in the party tonight
- "stay home, don't go out".
Corruption - “tell him I am not here” (asking your child to tell a lie)

Effects of Being Autocratic Parents

1. Our children will rebel against us - resenting, disobedient, saying nasty words at us, murmuring, cruel
2. Or our children will develop Inferiority Complex - low self-confidence, low self-esteem, insecure
Do you see many AUTOCRATIC PARENTS among your neighbors?

Autocratic vs Permissive
1. With autocratic parents - there is over-deprivation, and children are afraid of their parents
2. With permissive parents - there is over-compensation, and parents are afraid of their children.

Characteristics of Permissive Parents

1. Consenting, over-compensating
2. Children are not given assignment in household chores
3. Always giving rewards/compensation, whenever he gives assignment to children, examples:
a. wash the dishes - I'll give you P5.00
b. include the pots - I'll give you another P5.00
c. sweep the floor - I'll give you additional P5.00
4. Over-compensating is done with material things
5. Children have no responsibility at home, all freedom
6. Parents are afraid of their children - the child's wants are always granted
Example: “Buy me new pair of Nike,” – the parents will abide, even if they have to borrow money

Effects of Being Permissive Parents

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1. Children become spoiled
 over-dependent
 very low coping mechanism
 easily gets discouraged, and gives up
 can't bear even little problems
2. Children develop a wrong sense of superiority
 dependent on parents, "I'll tell my parents about it"
 think that they are always right, and must be followed
 when playing, always want to be the winner, not sport
 can't accept defeat
3. Children are hypersensitive with everyone, even with their own parents
4. When their wants are not granted, they rebel
 they develop low self-esteem
 they develop low self confidence
 they are insecure

Commentary
1. Over-compensating our children will not do any good.
2. Being too strict is not effective, but being too lax will lead our children to abuse us.
3. There will more problematic children among permissive parents than among autocratic parents.
Do you see many PERMISSIVE PARENTS among your neighbors?

ACTIVITY: Have a couple discussion. Identify whether you are autocratic or permissive parents?
a. Self-assessment
b. Ask assessment of your spouse.
c. Plan to resolve. What adjustments will you do?

Results of Couple Discussion:

1. Couples’ parenting style is a combination of autocratic and permissive, sometimes very loose, sometimes very strict.
2. There is tendency to be inconsistent.
3. We should only have one standard in treating our children. We should have a solid basis when to say "yes" or "no" to the requests of
our children.
4. Yes, children differ in their attitude and temperament but we should not have favorites. Have a fair treatment with all our children.

Three Kinds of Children Based on Temperament

1. The Easy Child - obedient, kind, thoughtful, with initiative, pleasing, light to handle
2. The Slow-to-warm-up Child - silent most of the time, not longing for attention, follows easily, only needs to be told.
3. The Difficult Child - naughty, hardheaded, disobedient, quarrelsome, giving problem to the family, always grumbling, always needs to
be scolded or spanked before following orders

Let's admit that we are inconsistent in the treatment of our children. The problem of inconsistency (not having fair treatment) among
parents is common.
Examples:
a. With our daughters - we don't normally allow them to go to parties
With our sons - we allow them very easily
b. With easy child - "yes" immediately, we even give pocket money secretly
With difficult child - "no" most of the time; we always have a condition, do this first!
c. When we have money - good temper, easily agree
When we have no money - hot tempered, very strict
e. Grandparents' case - very strict with their own children, permissive with grandchildren

The problem of inconsistency/discrimination is also prevalent in the world.

Examples:
a. Jewelry
 When the wearer is rich we automatically think their jewelry is genuine even if these are, in fact, imitation
 When the wearer is poor we think the jewelry is fake even if these are genuine
b. When in a party and the food is consumed
 If the visitors are rich, the host's comment is: "I'm pleased you liked what I have prepared for you." If the visitors are poor, the
host's comment is: "They act like they haven't eaten for a month."

c. In a doctor's diagnosis :

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  If the patient is rich, the doctor calls the skin disease as skin allergy. If the patient is poor, the doctor calls it scabies or
psoriasis.
 If the rich patient is coughing, the doctor calls it weak lungs. If poor, the doctor calls is tuberculosis
 In a psychiatric case and the patient is rich, the doctor calls it nervous breakdown. If the patient is poor, immediately the doctor
calls it "neurosis or psychosis".
 If the patient having body pains is rich, the doctor calls it muscle pain. If poor, he calls it outright as arthritis due to old age.
d. Case of a child with failing grades in school, and parents will be called for a meeting
 If parents are rich, the teacher will call the child a "slow learner". If poor, the child will be reported as "abnormal or moron".
e. In entertaining people in an office
 If properly dressed, we give prompt attention. If not, we let them wait until we are finished with what we are doing.

We have other inconsistencies at home.

a. For visitors, we bring out all our new things, like towels, for their use, while we let our children use old and worn-out towels.
b. With the visitors, we insist that that they eat and taste all the dishes even when they are full. When we see our children enjoying
their meal, we remind them to stop eating and think of their next meal.
c. It’s all right for visitors to come inside the sala; they don’t have to remove their shoes even on the carpet. It’s not all right for our
children to do that.
d. We always look after our pets, even cuddling them. With our wife or children, we are impatient and even use having a headache or
backache as excuse.
e. We regularly ask if our pet has been fed, but we rarely ask our children if they’ve eaten.
f. We clean our car everyday, even applying wax to make it shiny, but when was the last time we gave our children a nice bath.
Some reason out that the car is expensive and was acquired because of hard work, while the child is free.
g. When a couple isn’t married and the woman accidentally slips and falls down while walking, the man will immediately help her get
up and, with much concern, ask: "Are you hurt?" When already married and the same thing happens, the man would not usually
help the woman get up and would even make a nasty remark like: "It's all your fault; next time, be careful."
h. Before they are married, the couple are always together, and the man introduces her to everyone (because she is sexy and has
curves on the right places, like a Coke bottle). When they are married, they are no longer always together and when someone asks
about the wife, the man won't introduce her anymore; he’ll just point to her using his mouth (because she is not as sexy as she
used to be, her body now resembles a Coke can).
Note: Although the shape of her body has changed, her dignity and value as a person have not. She still is your wife. Your one and
only. Not the number one, which implies there is a number two.
i. When you were not yet married, you feel ecstatic when your bodies meet, even just the legs, as if there's current that runs through
your body. When married and she happens to place her legs over yours while sleeping, you comment: “can you please remove
that heavy log?”
j. Before marriage, the man can wait patiently while the woman dresses up for their date. He says: "It's alright, you can take your
time." Now that they’re married, the man says: "Hurry, we'll be late. Just finish putting on make up in the car." While in the car, the
man keeps on accelerating and stepping on the brakes so that her eyebrows and lipstick are uneven.
k. When our children are sick, we buy them delicious food, though when they have no appetite. When they are well, we tell them to
control their appetite and consider their next meal. That’s why you can't blame them if they pretend to be sick, when they want to
eat good food.

How can we stop these Inconsistencies and Discrimination?

1. Adopt a right perspective towards people. Treat every person as important.
a. Every person is loved by God. That's why every person is important.
b. Give everyone fair treatment and due importance. Whether rich or poor, visitor or own children/family member, regardless of
whether before or now, we should maintain our love and respect for everyone.
2. Become authoritative parents.

Foundations of Being Authoritative Parents (Three A’s)

1. Acceptance
 accept our children as they are
 we do not own our children, we are just their steward
 we should not compare one child with another child
 avoid : “why can't you be like your brother, he's very good”
 accept that some are right brain developed person & some are left brain developed
- right brain developed are artistic & musically inclined, good in doing things with their hands
- left brain developed are analytical, good in math
 we should not have the same expectations with our children nor should we compare them

2. Affirmation
 be very generous with Star Power Words
 these words give our children assurance, confidence, drive and motivation
 these words have magic.
- Examples: “I love you ”,“Thank you”, “I’m sorry ”

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  catch them doing good, no matter how small their good deed is
- Example: if your child is washing the dishes, thank her, don't show that you're surprised, don't criticize or insult her;
let her feel that it's normal and proper for her to help
 focus on the effort not on the result
- Example: one child got 64 on the 1st grading, and then a 74 on the 2nd grading; another child got 81 on the 1st grading and 82
on the 2nd grading. - An effort-conscious parent will appreciate the 10-point increase of first child. A result-oriented parent will
appreciate the second child and reprimand the first.
 authoritative parents focus on effort and are generous on encouragement.
Encouragement is different from Praise.
Praise is dangerous because it tends to give reward and punishment.
Example: Treat with a blow-out the one who got 82. Punish the one who got 74.

Authoritative Parents avoid rewards and punishment because they are external motivation. They give importance to internal
motivation brought about by encouragement.

Encouragement is what our children really need. It is internal motivation and more lasting.
Example: “Dear, I'm happy with the 10-point increase in your grade even if it is still 74. I trust that you really have exerted effort to get
high grades. I know that by the next grading period, you will have passing grades. I hope you will continue with your diligence in your
studies. I love you. Come here, which lessons do you have a hard time with? Let me help you to understand.”

3. Attention
 children spell love this way : T I M E
 time and presence is a concrete manifestation of love.
 create time and space for your loved ones
 all the time that you are with your children should be quality time.
 quality time is not only scheduled time like every Saturday or holiday
 Examples: - stand beside your daughter while she is washing the dishes
- stay with your child every time he is studying her lessons
- cover her with blanket / pray over her while she is sleeping
- bring her to school, especially during the first day of classes
- pick her up after classes

Bonding
 create an emotional bond with your children
 establish an emotional bank account, with more deposits than withdrawals
 what’s happening nowadays – there are more withdrawals than deposits
- Example of withdrawal - when you yell at your child
 invest on an emotional bank account of our children
 go out with your children, to movies, picnic, swimming
 apply the 3 A’s so when we become old - our children will visit us
 if there’s no emotional bank account, they won’t come and visit us

Advice to Fathers:
 Make a conscious effort to create an emotional bond with your children, especially your sons.
 Male teenagers experience identity crisis - tendency to be come effeminate because of lack of a masculine model and a strong
female image of mother.
 A father should spent time with his son.
 Bonding with fathers is not natural, unlike with mothers.

Points that can be improved at home:

 The father should not always tell his children "ask your mother", whether for permission or for money. The children might think that
the father has no authority at home, and the time will come that the father will become “extinct”.
 Bring back the good image of fathers at home.

Conclusion
1. Have a correct perspective on people, treat everyone fairly.
2. Apply the three A’s: Acceptance, Affirmation, Attention
3. These will result in our children having the three S’s: Self-esteem, Self-confidence, Security
4. When our children have all these, they will become: Joyful, Behaved, Empowered

WHY DO CHILDREN MISBEHAVE?

The module on Parenting Style is about understanding ourselves. This module is on understanding our children.

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Thesis: The child has an intention for every time he misbehaves.
We can determine his intention based on how we feel about his misbehavior.

PARENTS' FEELINGS CHILD’S INTENTION

1. If you feel irritated, annoyed the child is calling your attention
2. If you feel anger the child is practicing power struggle
3. If you were hurt the child is applying revenge
4. If you feel pity or frustrated the child is showing or displaying inadequacy

Examples
1. Misbehavior: A child is crying when you know there is nothing wrong with him – not hungry, wet or sick.
How will you feel? Irritated, annoyed!
What's the child's intention for misbehaving? To call your attention

If you feel irritated and you stick to your autocratic parenting style, what would you do with the child?
Answer: Spank the child
If you stick to your permissive parenting style, what would you possibly do?
Answer: You will go to the child, pick him up and cuddle him until he's pacified
Whether you hit the child or pick him up, the child is successful in calling your attention, though in a negative way.

Implication: The child believes that he can only call the attention of mommy if he misbehaves. He might conclude that he can only be
attended to, he can only feel he belongs, if he misbehaves. So that is what he will do in the future -- misbehave.

As an authoritative parent, what should you do ?

Answer: Never give attention on demand. When the child misbehaves (under these circumstances), don’t give the attention he’s asking.
Instead, say to the child: “Son, I know you are just calling my attention. You can cry as long as you want, meanwhile I have to finish
what I am doing”. You'll notice in a little while, he'll stop crying.

2. Misbehavior: A child being naughty while you have a visitor. For example, he will ask you for money or anything.
How would you feel about it? Irritated/Annoyed!
What could be the intention of the child? Calling attention.

Possible reactions:
Of an autocratic parent - “Go to your room!”; or you will pretend to be very kind and understanding in front of the visitor.
Of a permissive parent - you will give what the child is asking for (later on, the child will repeat the action, whenever you have a visitor);
or outwardly you will be permissive but inside you are thinking autocratically: “You will see later, when our visitor leaves.”

Recommended way of handling:

a. Recognize that the child is just calling attention to himself. He may be feeling insecure whenever there are visitors around. Another
display of insecurity is a stomach ache.
b. After recognizing your feelings about the situation, ignore, don't let your anger or soft-heartedness prevail.
c. When the visitor leaves, talk to the child.
- I don't like what you did. When we have visitors, you should behave well.
- Don't show off. Don’t feel insecure. I love you, son. You know it.
- Misbehaving whenever there are visitors won’t help. You won’t get what you want. Learn to wait. Respect me in front of the
visitors and you’ll get what you want later. Do you understand me?

3. Misbehavior: A teenager stays far too long in front of the mirror, combing her hair or fixing her shirt, when you're already late for an
appointment.
How do you feel in such a situation? Irritated/Annoyed!
What could be your teenager's intention? Calling attention

Reaction of an authoritative parent:

Instead flaring up and getting mad, tell your teenager: “In 5 minutes we have to leave. If you’re not ready, we will leave you behind,”
and then do exactly as you said. Leave him behind especially on an occasion that he wants to go to.

4. Misbehavior: You're asking your child to do something very important. She doesn't want to follow. Her reason: she’s watching television.
How would you feel about it? Angry!
Because of your anger, because you're an autocratic parent, you will turn the television off. But the child will turn it on.
What could be the intention of the child? Power struggle!

In a power struggle scenario, the parents win the argument but they lose in the relationship with the child. The child will follow, but with
resentment. This is called defiant compliance.

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 Reaction of a permissive parent: “Okay, if you don't want, I will be the one to do it. (example: washing the dishes) But while washing the
dishes, parent utters autocratic remarks like: “What have I done wrong with you? Why are you punishing me like this? Why are you very
lazy? You're just good at flirting with your friends.”

This is another example of inconsistency: The way is permissive, but the mouth is contrary, saying lots of downer words.

Proper reaction should be: COMPROMISE. Have a win-win solution. With teenagers, we should not be autocratic.
“How many more minutes is the program you're watching? Okay, I will let you finish it, but afterwards, do as I told you. Do you
understand? ”
After the agreed time, follow up on your agreement and assert your compromise.

Another scenario where a compromise is called for: Shopping

Your teenager wants an expensive pair of pants (Levi’s 501). Mother wants a cheaper brand (Wrangler). What mother wants prevailed.
The problem is the son does not wear the new pants.
What will you feel in such a situation? Anger or Hurt!

If you get angry, your son is practicing power struggle with you.
If your feeling is more of hurt, your son is getting his revenge.

If you're autocratic, you'll be very mad at him and say that you will never buy him anything in the future, nor will you give him money to
buy his things.
If you're permissive, you will give him money and let him buy the expensive pants that he wants and give the other pants to the younger
son. However, the younger son will also not be happy with it, because he doesn't want to be a taker.
An authoritative parent in such a situation will compromise, will be open and honest. Talk to your son. “We don't have the money for the
brand that you want. This is our budget for your pants. If you want you can keep the money with you, save some more, then buy your
pants later when you have enough money. What do you want?” It's good to be frank with your children.

Another example:
Your son wants a T-shirt worth P500.00, but your budget is only P300. The mother decided to buy four shirts at 75.00 each but similar
to the one her son wanted. The mother observed later that he is not wearing them because he was not the one who bought them.

Take 2 of the same scenario after attending the parenting seminar: “Son, we can't afford the T-shirt that you want. Here's our budget for
your shirt, I’ll give it to you. Buy what you want.”
The son bought two T-shirts using the money given him by his mother. The T-shirts were not the one he originally wanted. Later, the
mother noticed that he was always wearing them, and even washed them himself.
Why is this so? Because he was allowed to exercise responsible freedom.

Optional Activity 1: Case Analysis

What could be the child’s intention in the following misbehavior? How would you handle them properly?
Case 1: Your child is getting failing grades even though she is intelligent and had high grades before.
Case 2: You found out that your son is using prohibited drugs.
Case 3: Your daughter has stowed away with her friends.
Case 4: Your son attempted to commit suicide.
Case 5: Your oldest son is bullying and hurting his younger sibling.

Recommended Ways of Handling

1. If the child is calling attention to himself, don’t give attention on demand, talk/explain later.
2. If the child is engaged in a power struggle, compromise, look for a win-win solution.
3. If the child is getting revenge, talk to him about it, listen carefully to his explanation and try to understand why he is behaving like that.
4. If the child is showing inadequacy, encourage, love, extend support.

Optional Activity 2: Role Playing

Ask for two volunteers: one male, one female. They will be led outside the seminar hall, while instructions are given to the other participants
on how the role playing will proceed. The volunteers will then be called back to the hall. The audience will play the role of their parents.

Scene One: While they are facing front, shout at them downer words which are meant to hurt them, laugh at them, insult them, put them
down, consider them as useless.

Afterwards, ask them how they felt while receiving all the downer words, what they were thinking, what they wanted to do in return.
Examples of possible feelings: angry, annoyed, feeling useless, worthless, vengeful, wanting to shout, hurt, unable to accept them,
disagreement

Scene Two: Again facing front, tell them good words, star power words, give them a tap on the shoulder, let them feel they are appreciated,
loved and important.
Afterwards, they will be asked how they felt while receiving positive remarks.

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Examples of feelings: smiling, encouraged, empowered, happy, teary-eyed, feeling loved, appreciating tap on shoulder, wishing it would
always be like that, wanting more
.
Deepening
 This is what we have experienced from our parents. This is also what our children have experienced from us. Which is the better
experience?
 The words of our parents are powerful. They have significant impact on us. They are self-fulfilling prophecies.
 Star Power Words, when said to our children, become a prayer, a blessing to them. Use them often to your spouse and children, so
they won’t be surprised when they hear them.
 Relate the Baguio incident of a participant who called up their house and used star power words for the first time. His family thought
something was wrong with him.

Application
 Before you leave our home, say to your spouse “Bye, I love you”, give a kiss.
 When we reach the office, make a phone call to her: “I’m here now, I love you. How about you, are you alright?”
 With your employees, use star power words like “thank you” (do this and they will stay longer with you).

Important Note
Be careful with insincere praise. Praise should be short but sincere.
Example of insincere praise to your daughter, who washes the dishes for the first time: “Is that really you? What entered your mind? Are you
sick? What have you eaten?”

Resolutions/Suggestions:
1. No more downer words from us.
2. Instead always use Star Power Words. They are blessings to our children.
3. Don’t expect instant change from our children just because we have changed. They will change, but gradually. We should make use of
multiple approaches. Apply lots of love.
4. The first time we embrace our child, he may resist. Don't force him to reciprocate.
While our child is sleeping, lie down beside him. Pray over him. Whisper in his ears. “Son, forgive me, I love you.” Kiss him. Embrace
him. The subconscious will detect it.
5. Even on long distances, when a child has stowed away, star power words are still effective. So talk to him and say: "Son, I love you.
Come home now, I miss you very much. I forgive you.”
6. Ask our children what they want to eat. Be the one to cook the food. While cooking, whisper loving words like "this is for you, my son. I
love you. I hope you'll like this."
If you're angry while cooking and you're uttering nasty words, those who will eat the food will have a stomach ache.
7. Please take one step at a time. Change is a long process. It may take some time.
8. Respect one another. Have patience. Have a sense of humor and lots of prayers.

HOW TO BE A POSITIVELY EMPOWERED PARENT

Exercise
a. Everybody, stand up, raise your hands, reach for the sky, touch your toes, turn your waist to the right, to the left. Right face.
b. Rub your palms like this, place them on the shoulder of the person in front of you. Move your fingers, massage the shoulders, rub the
back, at the center, up and down, apply karate chops, all areas, scratch the back.
c. About face. Do the same to the person in front of you.
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How did you feel? Did this help? What we’ve done is to illustrate the Magic of Touch. The power of our palm. The palm is use to express
our love and care for our children.

Application
How do you wake up your child? With an abrupt, loud voice? Is it effective?
Try this method: place your hand gently on the cheek of your child and softly say, "Good morning, son. Time to wake up, you have class
today." You'll see, he'll open his eyes, smile at you, and rise in a little while.

Testimony
One mother who has a problem in waking up her daughter everyday tried this method after the seminar. She found out that it's effective. It
worked with her daughter. So she decided to try the method with her husband. She placed her hand gently on her husband's cheek and
whispered to him, "Good morning honey. Time to wake up", but to her surprise, her husband did not rise, something else did. It's really
effective!

Other Effects of Touch

 Every time we stroke the spinal column of our child, we increase the supply of blood and oxygen in that area, making the child more
healthy, grow taller, and more resistant to catching colds.
 Two inches away from the spinal column is the emotional part of the body. Every time you stroke it, it makes your child emotionally
strong, because with every stroke, natural morphine is secreted and serves as a sedative (can calm the child when she is crying).
 When the child is having a tantrum, embrace him and lightly stroke his back. You will notice that he'll be pacified or calmed. Stroking is
the right thing to do, not tapping, because tapping means stop or suppress your emotion.
 Our teenagers love to be embraced, but privately, not in front of their friends and classmates. Hug your children today before the
pushers hug them tomorrow.
 We need at least six hugs each day. There are different kinds of Hugs: a hug, a bear hug, an SW hug, a surprise hug (coming from
behind). A hug means papa/mama is playful, approachable.

Other ways by which we can use our hands

1. Blessing - giving of blessing from God: “God bless you”, “May He be merciful to you"
- doing so makes you a channel of grace
- don't refuse anyone who comes to you and ask for your blessing
2. Husband & Wife - should also bless one another
- the hands should be used for blessing not hurting
3. Spanking - is as much as possible avoided by an authoritative parent
- authoritative parents think: "Why spank a child who spanked another child to show that spanking is wrong?"
Authoritative parents
 prefer to touch the conscience, not to physically hurt their children
 discipline their children by educating them on what is right and what is wrong
Disciplining is not physical infliction of pain although sometimes spanking is unavoidable.

Guidelines on Spanking
1. Spanking is only effective among toddlers - about 3 years old & below - who can feel our love.
2. Apply only on the buttocks. It's a safe area. Use only your palm so you'll also feel the pain you are inflicting on him.
3. It's dangerous to use a belt, stick or rod. These have no feeling. You might experience temporary insanity. When you use your palm,
you can control the intensity and yourself.
4. Notice the words that come out of your mouth while you're spanking:
“Bad boy! You're so naughty! Very disobedient! You really won't learn! I'm so desperate with you! I hate you! You're so hard headed! I
might kill you!” “Salbahe ka kasi! Matigas ang ulo mo! Tarantado ka! Bad boy ka!”
When you do that, you're hitting the person of your child, not the wrong things that he did. What should be hated are the wrong things
that the child did or was doing, not the child himself.
5. What should come out of our mouths should be: “Son, I have to spank you so that to let you remember that it's bad to play with
matches. You might burn our house.” That way, it will be clear that what you hate is the wrongdoing, not the doer.
Real Discipline
Teach what is right and proper. What is wrong should be avoided.
 Avoid infliction of physical/verbal punishment.
 When you have to spank, target the wrongdoing.
 As much as possible, we should not spank our children.
 Children 4 years old and up should not be spanked anymore.

More Suggestions on How to Become a Positively Empowered Parent

1. Use the One-on-One Dialogue or Time-Out Technique.
 This is a better approach.
 Hold hands, have a heart-to-heart talk, eye-to-eye, in private
 You'll see. He'll be touched. He'll burst into tears.
2. Learn to listen well to your children.
 Allow them to express themselves, their thoughts and feelings.
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  Listen with your heart. Inside the heart is an ear.
 Allow child to express/ventilate his feelings.
- “Yes, I can see how you feel, my dear daughter.”
- “Is there a way I can help you with your problem.”
- “Come here, let's sit and talk about it”
 Then acknowledge, don't block, don't suppress, don't interrupt.
 When you show disinterest/annoyance/irritation, you cut off the conversation.
3. How about the feelings of the parents?
 They can express them using the “I” message instead of the “You” message
The “I” message goes like this:
“Angel, when you come home very late, I'm so worried about you, because it's
dangerous out there. There are plenty of bad people out there so I can't sleep until you arrive. Can you do something so we will not
be worried so much about your safety?”
The “You” message shows lack of trust:
“Why are you late? What foolishness did you do again? I am sure you had pot sessions with your friends again.”
 After the "I" message approach, make a compromise and get the commitment.
4. Use the Logical Consequence Technique.
When your child does not fulfill his commitment/his part of the compromise or does not become responsible, he should be ready to
accept the consequences. This could mean not allowing him to go out next time or temporarily suspending his privileges.
5. Be faithful in the Three Altars of the Family.
a. The Eucharistic Altar in the Church
 be faithful to the Eucharist
 go to mass & receive communion together (for as long as it is possible)
b. Eucharistic Table at home - the dining table
 eat meals together, experience joy when you're together
 do not make a reprimand while eating, you will lose appetite if you do
 if there is a need for something to be addressed, have a one-on-one dialogue with the concerned after meals
 no TV viewing during mealtime
 no newspaper
 no telephone; “I’m sorry; I’m eating with my family”
 full attention should be given to family members
c. Altar of the Couple – the matrimonial bed
 be faithful and do not neglect each other
6. Teach your children how to pray.
 Teach by example
 Should be regular
 Don’t force them
7. Conduct family meetings.
 Make it regular, prioritize, protect the schedule
 Allow every one to speak and participate during the family meeting
 Share stories of experiences
 Discuss assignments in household chores, tasking, come to agreement
 Even if there are helpers, every one should have a responsibility
 Agree on the logical consequences for failure to fulfill commitment
 Budget can be included, the school allowance.
 Set house rules, set curfew time if necessary
 What television programs can be viewed, which shows not allowable
 Birthday party, ask the celebrant whom she likes to be invited
 Discuss major decisions like going abroad, adoption
 During the first family meeting, allow the children to express their resentments; only the children will talk
8. Undergo the inter-generation healing of hurts.
In prayer:
a. Embrace your parents, forgive them and ask forgiveness from them.
b. Embrace your children, one by one, use star power words to them.
c. Allow the Holy Family to embrace you and your family for strength and perseverance.

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