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50 C Utterly MAD L] The MAD Frontier. C DON MARTIN Steps Out
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Г] Son of MAD CI Greasy MAD Stuff C DAVE BERG Looks At The U.S.A.
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NUMBER 100 JANUARY 1966 VITAL FEATURES

57 "E T^ A LOOK AT
FUTURE
Lnd
“Usually, when people give up smoking, they substitute something
Pg.4
else for it... mainly bragging!"—Alfred E. Neuman

WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor

JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production
JERRY DE FUCCIO, NICK MEGLIN associate editors
MARTIN J. SCHEIMAN lawsuits RICHARD BERNSTEIN publicity
GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, RICHARD GRILLO subscriptions
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS THE
the usual gang of idiots WONDERFUL
WORLD OF
RE-PACKAGING
DEPARTMENTS Pg.9
BEHIND THE ODD-BALL DEPARTMENT
MAD's Believe It Or Nuts
BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT
The Lighter Side Of Sleep. .
DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT
On The Subway. .
EIGHT OLD TOMATOES IN THAT ITTY BITTY Nec
FILM CAN DEPARTMENT зом
Hack, Hack, Sweet Has-Been (А MAD Movie Ѕайге)......... 43 (TV SATIRE)
EVERY DOG HAS ITS DATE DEPARTMENT Pg. 13
HOME-SWEET-HO-HUM DEPARTMENT
The Nilson Family (A MAD TV байге)...................... 18
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT
SPINE SPYS еа leesata bnc eo 12, 38
LAME-BRAIN-GAMES DEPARTMENT THE
МАР: 5Puzzle Papa «costretto sese tes en30 SWAN SONG
LETTERS DEPARTMENT OF
Random Samplings Of Reader Май... ...............-....- 2 HIAWATHA
LIVING OFF THE FAD OF THE LAND DEPARTMENT
The Wonderful World Of Re-Packaging.................... 9
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT
Drawn-Out Dramas
POEM OF THE BRAVE DEPARTMENT
The Swan Song Of Hiawatha... ..89
TOTS MY LINE DEPARTMENT HACIO HACK
The Toy Manufacturer Of The Үваг........................ 33 HAS-BEEN
TOUR DE FARCE DEPARTMENT (MOVIE SATIRE)
Shirley Finster's New York....cceee анаа 26 Ра: 43
TUNE UP THE VOLUME DEPARTMENT
Future Broadway Musicals (Based On The Classics)......... 4
WORD GAME PRESERVE DEPARTMENT
The Return Of The MAD Веаз ев......................... 18 71 DE

**Various Places Around The Magazine j^

A
A К
MAD—Jon, 1966 Vol. 1, Number 100, is published monthly except February, May, August ond Novem: QUE
ber, by E.C. Publications, Inc., at 850 Third Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. Second Class Postage paid
at New York, N. Y. Subscripiions: In the U.S.A., Šissues $2.00 or 24 issues $5.00. Outside U.S.A.;
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without satiric purpose to o living person is a coincidence.
 LETTERS DEPT.
MAD ZEPPELIN'S ANCESTOR?

LORD JUMP
When I saw the movie, “Lord Jim,”I
thought it was wonderful. Then, when I
saw "Lord Jump,” your satire of it, I
thought that was wonderful. I cried
throughout the movie and I laughed
throughout the article. I loved the movie
and I loved the take-off and I love your
magazine.
Nancy Wertman
Delton, Mich.
I was outraged. Your satire of that ex-
cellent film was the most sickening piece
of trash I have ever had the misfortune == — =
to lay eyes on. This must be the Great-Grand-Daddy
Jay Cooper of your MAD Zeppelin.
Tulsa, Oklahoma Gene St. Jean
New York City

Christmas Gift |Е
|! ur
tie SNAPPY ANSWERS

Not only was MAD article, "Snappy

Answers To Stupid Questions" really

IDEA?
funny, buc it also delivered a sharp slap at
all those jerks who constantly pester us
with idiotic, pointless questions. Did Mr.
Jaffee really write that all by himself?
Steve Moriarty
GIVE A Hallowell, Maine

GIFT SUBSCRIPTION I fail to see the humor іп satirizing а

"Snappy Answers" was а gem, but Mr.
Jaffee forgot to include the most ridicu-
lous question of them all—mainly, "Are
TO brilliant story which shows so much you asleep?”
depth into human emotion. The picture Meg Liberman
was an accurate representation of the Los Angeles, Calif,
book, and Peter O'Toole was fantastic.
I have long been a reader of MAD, and How about a snappy answer to the one
have never objected to any of your satires question that always annoys me: when
before, but this time you've gone too far. I'm waiting for a bus, reading MAD, and
Jan Hipes some nut will come up and say, "Oh, do
Bronx, N.Y. you read MAD?"
We'll send a cheery Richard Hadley Case
1 just thought you might like to know Honolulu, Hawaii
Christmas Gift Announcement that Í never laughed harder over anything
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telling whom to blame! Lynda Zervic or “No, | just like to feel itl” or "No, | read
Milwaukee, Wisc. АУМ upside-down!"—Ed.
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 MORE MAD E.S.P.? FLAPPER Have Yourself A
I have always considered MAD to be Your "Flapper" satire was boss. I was
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47 XMAS! s Ее
GIVE (OR TREAT YOURSELF TO) A...
Over a year ago, in the Oct. '64 issue, Renée Bozeman
MAD predicted this to the letter in the Miami, На.
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Your first suggestion was, "If Steve Allen I now find time to take typewriter in MAD
Christmas
Ran For Senator.” How do you consistent- hand and write a letter of commendation
ly manage to get the news out before it concerning Mort Drucker's excellent art
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"MAD MISCHIEF STICKER:
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As an avid Met fan, I loved your latest I think your "Joke and Dagger Dept."
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 TUNE UP THE VOLUME DEPT.
Nowadays, the Producers of Broadway Musicals are
chicken! They're scared stiff of taking chances
on new and original stories. Instead, they prefer
to play it safe—relying on material that's been
tried and proven—like adapting successful stories,
novels and plays by world-famous authors. Witness
such recent Musicals as “Oliver!” (Oliver Twist by
Charles Dickens), "Baker Street" (Sherlock Holmes

FUTURE BROAD
BASED ON FAMOUS
“‘WHERE’S MOBY?” Based on "Moby Dick" by Herman Melville
There's Captain нна 1 HEARD THAT! And it's Й ж Pm as nutty
asyes ^s fruitcake! [| I am balmy, with bats in my belfry!
| Ahab! He'sthe | | What's | TRUE! | am insane! But Lost as a ship that is tossed in a g
| best Captain on | | that? 1 know you'll understand And И I speak
| the Seven Seas | : when | tell you why! That my eyes are both In a sort of a shi
except for It's this compulsion | f 10s because of that gi It’s because of that g
one thing— have to find the Great
White Whale—Moby Dick!
я a

+ Sung to the tune of “l'm In Love With A Wonderful Guy"

een 24

THAR SHE At last! We've found Right! On my ship, | The сомага!) ж т have tried to find
BLOWS! А Moby Dick! Man the boats! neatness counts! | | They're all Ë Moby Dick before
giant White Sharpen the harpoons! | Comb | Now, who'll volunteer | |) afraid of ы But I quickly learned it
Whale—off |. Comb your hair! our | to come with me? $ Moby Dick! n was no easy trick before!
the port B вите Now just look at me—
justas || In the open sea
Face to face with the whale that I love

3
Sung to the tune of “On The Street Where You Livi
by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle), “West Side Story" (Ro- on and on. Obviously, if this sickening trend con-
meo and Juliet by William Shakespeare), “My Fair tinues, we'll be seeing Musicals based on even
Lady" (Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw), Hello, more unlikely classics. To illustrate, let's follow
Dolly” (The Matchmaker by Thornton Wilder), and so the bouncing ball as MAD presents four examples of

AY MUSICALS
LITERARY CLASSICS
ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WRITER: FRANK JACOBS
mm ue ES. 2 Б š
Now that you've Right! You're
my chart, “ЕШ па a screwball who's lost all his s
wn from the start |4 Smashed as a bugina bucket of ale! | explained yourself, the WORST
That he's smarter than me! | |And if I drool us crew-members see | # Captain on the |
Like a stark-raving fool— | you differently! Seven Seas!

| Sce him swim my way! Now Гуе settled down!

' Noland-lubber he! I feel cheerier!
More than seven-hundred-thousand pounds Although, ing A | PI be livng out my life
of blubber he! I know it’s just his way of showing that he cares! in his interior!
1 knew all along bo РТ We will sail the brine
That he'd like this song Till the time that I'm
That I sing to the ale that I love! | Just absorbed by this whale that I love

==
 "CALL ME JULIUS” Based on “Julius Caesar" by Willlam Shakespeare
Oh, Julius! You've Quiet, my | * Oh, Rome is our dream— Beware the “Ides Because
returned from Gaul| dear! The [B With its wild Colo: of March”, Caesar! he's No. 2!
where you killed | people are And its Brutus and his But Brutus is He tries
85,000 people and singing the ||] Where the pizza gang are going to my second in harder!
burned their cities! National kill you in the command! Why
Just listen to the Forum! should he want
people cheer you | to kill me?
for your goodness,
justice and love of
humanity . . .
€ From the evening till dawn,
And each Christian isfed to a lion!

Л
of "Home On The Range'

We rub | Right! Now here's© You, Trebonius

|
Caesar out ту plan! Cassius— юе" will drive the
RI! "today! [|you get him from [E What I Get-Away Chariot! use our knives are in your back
Right, the front! Casca— 1 а < = where they belong!
Brutus? В you get him from y
B the rear! And | |Brutus: You bugged us all, Jul
* With your Gaul, Ju
Your ambition kept us wishin’
for this parting song!
So farewell, Julie!
It’s been swell, Julie!
But we hadda take a stab at
jabbin’ you!

And you have your bills p;

big shot,

Oh, Marc Antony! Thats | Friends, Romans," ж Cleopatra, ™ I love ya! ТИ woo ya!
They've killed Caesar! been | Country... В Here I comet "Think of ya! Sing to ya!
Speak to the people! my idea || ! don't know what ||Caesar's dead, bue Night-time and day! Hear me, Cleo, when I say—
Tell them you'll follow | allalong! | you're going to Don't be glum! 5
p іп Caesar's footsteps! [| donow—butas таа That I would gladly
forme... Just for your Egyptian smile!
Open up that River Nile!
Cleopatra—here I come!

//
B + Sung to the tune of “California, Here | Come
“LOSE YOUR HE
* Comeon outto So let'sroot,root,
AD"
i me!
Based on "A Tale of Two
ГАrevolution
Cities" by Charles Dickens
[il] Doyou know | Darnay? Why | |
! for the Headsman! | Sydney Carton, |[amm did you say? | where we can | we picked him
He'sgotajobthatishard! | and thisis | AreAre you nuts?
i |] меш My || find my || up yesterday!
We'll have the best © Yes, it's off-ofI— Lucie Manette! ||We're having a ` travel agent in the sweetheart, He's
off with their heat We're just over || rev | will surelyly
rev-o-lution yet! revolution! Charles
Darnay?
Bastille...
waiting to be
|
We'll kill the King At the old court-yar from London! | We're killing | hearofthis! guillotined!
UA Could you | People by the z 7
and Marie Antoinette!
recommend a ;
thousands!
—
good
restaurant?

“Did you| h, Sydney, | ж Picture you— В Um very willing Please agree,

hear that, now|
ee suppose |would you? going | they're ™ Replaced by me! If me they are killing And golly-gee!
Sydney!? | Ше It would to kill not, That's what we'll do [ÍAnd though it seems gory [|I guarantee
They're [You want ШЕШ: mate] beever | Darnay! Î So you'll go free! It follows the story! Lucie you'll see!
going to E o hkeswit gesture | so nice Д Li It’s me for you, Just say that you'll do it, |And doit
Б you for me,
And Sa So we can get to just for me!
Charest SN
22156 with
behead |places him and — of you!sl | їс.
‚ dying so he can live!
я

| Then ГП prove Why, that's f Er... Me and my ж Guill-o-tine! Guill. е!]

I'm kind and good, | a great idea, | couldn't stupid heroic Щ We've got the nicest little Come join the mob and you will
Like Charlie Dickens | Sydney! vu Í you gestures! Guill-o-tine! Sce just what we mean!
Said I should! be delighted | object Still... it В It does a job that’s really The blade issharp, you bet!
Oh, can’t you see B Ñ toletyou | justa does make for Neat and clean! It even beats
1 die for me! § little?! a rousing Sharp and keen! You won't forget our
БТ es^ final chorus! Щ It never makes an error! Guill-o-tine!
And helps our Reign of Terror!

aby Face’
gto tieiune ок
 “RPE OVER
Apes! Everywhere | turn—
apes! Why can't | lead a
normal life like any other
sub-human illiterate tree-
dweller? Why can't | find
a girl who's intelligent
and pretty for my mate?
J p
YOU" Based on "Tarzan and the Apes" by Edgar Rice Burroughs
Not you, Cheetah! It's When | feel * Whenever I get depressed, flWhile leaping from limb to limb |]
true that you're this way, And start to moon and fret, Ë Апа swinging through the
intelligent and pretty there's only I let out a jungle scream: I let out a jungle scream—
Оок! —but it wouldn't work! one thing Which helps me to forget To show that I don't care
Оок! We come from different | сап бо... I've no m.
uL wa >:
religious backgrounds! VN
Оок! I have got a 5-room tree house
Ё High above a running brook!
It's quite a joint
But what's the point
When apes can't sew or cook?
7 са аш mamas:
If ever I meet a girl,
She'll let out a jungle scr
ill know at last

| * Sungto the tune oflWhistleAHappy Tune"

"

Who are you? My name is Tarzan. | have * In your role as my wife | In the evening, dear,
Where are you have saved you from You'll lead a ed by Cheeta! (dum-de-de-dum)
taking me? | the Gumbah-Gumbah tribe who that you'll abhor it When the snakes appear,
demand to see captured your Safari! From now (dum-de-de-dum)
my Ambassador! on, we will live as man and The tse-tse flies
— «M è mate! You'll love it because . . Will bite us—
| And you'll be aware
Of the bats in your Вай
ТР са
© Oh.
2 If, atnight, we can't sleep;
ll watch the giant ants leap
Across the floor and ceiling
Of
27
our tree-house
УЕ
for two!

And now I'd like you Are you crazy!? to my apes!

| to meet my family!
This is Wamba—and
this is Bumba—and
| this is Rumba—and—
Ë1was so wil in
Your family!? 1 JjCheetah! M They're such a big part of my tie! № And to getmyself a mate!
They're all apes! | Let her Гуе grown accustomed to the ease ; I'm glad thatI came back to them
I'm going back to go! It's |With which they hang from trees— Beforeitwastoo lat
the Gumbah— grunts, their screams, Dye grown accustomed to their breath— f
Gumbah tribe! hopes, their dreams, | Accustomed to their smell—
Even torture is | Are so familiar to me now Accustomed to my apes!
better thanVPN
this!}
 LIVING OFF THE FAD OF THE LAND DEPT.
Ever wonder what happens to all the unsold items left on dealers' shelves when
the demand for a product fades... ог a craze suddenly dies...or there was
never any demand in the first place? Well, don't look in the garbage dumps for
them. Look instead at those little mail order ads in magazines and newspapers—
placed by that crafty band of greedy American Businessmen who have discovered

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF

RE-PACKAGING the “Нша-Ноор” craze? Suddenly, one day, they
Like f'rinstance, remember
zoomed to popularity .. . and just as suddenly, one day, nobody wanted to
play with hula-hoops anymore. Well, right this minute, manufacturers with
millions of hula-hoops in warehouses around the country are thinking of
ways to re-package them. So keep your eyes open for these “new” products:

ARE YOU ALWAYS LOSING— KEYS? TIRED OF THE SAME OLD DULL PICTURES FOR YOUR WALLS?
TURN YOUR HOME INTO A SHOWPLACE WITH THE FABULOUS
OLYMPIC SYMBOL" WALL DECORATION
OR MISPLACING YOUR
mum
discovered the answer. ee es
Never again will you
lose or misplace your keys when you изе...
a
“

(Е Ce
»

KLINGLEMAN'S
KEY-HOOP
The Exciting New
PKING-SIZE" Keyholder!
е Its miraculous design makes it
impossible to leave keys in your
“other suit, or purse"!
е Heavy-duty plastic-won't rust
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© Available in assorted
brilliant colors! YES, THREE WORLD-FAMOUS ARTISTS SPENT TWO YEARS ONLY
e A bargain at only $4.95 EAC H! DESIGNING AND CREATING THIS UNUSUAL WORK OF ART!
© IT STIRS THE IMAGINATION! 9 IT SEARCHES THE SOUL! È
GET A KLINGLEMAN “KEY-HOOP” FOR EVERY Ф IT RIPPLES THE PRIDE! € IT HANGS ON THE WALLI
KEY-CARRYING MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY! Order yours today from: Circle Industries. Box 79, Round Hill, Virginia EACH
CIRCLE INDUSTRIES, Box 78, ROUND HILL, VA. NOTE: ORDERS LIMITED TO ONE WALL DECORATION FOR EACH ROOM IN YOUR HOUSE
ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO

WHEN IT COMES TO GAMES, DO YOU ALWAYS LOSE?

IS EVEN PLAYING SOMETHING LIKE TIDDLY WINKS BEYOND YOUR ATHLETIC ABILITY?
THEN THIS NEW GAME IS FOR YOU!

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 IF YOU THINK THAT'S BA
PRODUCTS FROM THE "W
Are you always looking for scraps of paper to jot notes on?
Do the kids constantly bother you for something to doodle on?

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JOKE & DAGGER DEPT. PART I
 HOME-SWEET-HO-HUM DEPT.
The "Great American Dream" is to live in peace and harmony with an ideal wife and well-mannered chil-
dren in an atmosphere that's free from worry and tension. It can't be done, you say? You know of no one
who has ever achieved such a euphoric existence? Well, you're wrong! There's a family that lives in bliss
week after week! And what's more, its been doing so for 14 years! We're talking about that happy
group of innocents who live completely and hermetically sealed off from reality. We're talking about...

THE
LSON
NIFAMILY
ARTI 1 UCKER
г WRITER: STAN
è
HART
=.
| cut out all the Not always.

Harried, articles that might ||Gee, | ,This year,

| disturb him. If he ||that's || he's Planning
Terrible. Just terrible. First, | pulled the
why are а a vacation in
wrong cord on the Venetian blind and the slats
went up instead of down. Then, Art Linkletter's there ||ever learned about |
House Party was preempted by a Space Shot. And | holes in REAL problems, | very |Ее Dominican
then, a button worked loose from my cardigan Oozie's he'd crack up. good | Republi
sweater. It’s been one thing after another. | newspaper?
^i

1 don't mean to be “catty,” but what
is Oozie doing at home on a Tuesday
afternoon? In fact, every afternoon?
1 mean, like he's always home! Just
what does he do for a living exactly?
Oh, Cara, every family has its y
little secrets. What Oozie does for bind. I'm supposed to referee helping me
a living is his little secret. | the Little League Chinese make mine!
wouldn't dream of asking him. Checker Tournament, but ! also | You know what.
made a date with some Cub an adorable
Scouts to work on a kite for incompetent
 SSO SS
NSSS
1 knew you would Gee, | don't know, Dad. == 1011 also be like our First RR
be. | think you'll Kissy is mad enough at We'll take her | Honeymoon! We all went М
this year. | was thinking about like Cuba much me now. How will she || aiong. It'll be like away together on that
the Dominican Republic, but | better. Want to feel when | go away on your Second one, too.
changed my mind. come along, Rickety? a vacation? Honeymoon.

TER
Hi, That's right, Divot. Why do they ignore me? Everything
|| Divot. | i'm on my way to handle a case right Leave the people around here is Rickety, Rickety.
| How's |now. Two partners are suing each other who aren't nice to Gee, 1 have no strong opinions, no
Н the | and they're waiting for me to do some- lawyers like E. G. defined personality, no trace of
Law thing idiotic so they can forgive and Marshall. And you emotion either. I'm everything a
Game? || forget. It's nice being a lawyer for know how long he Nilson should be, yet they turn
nice people. I'm lucky | never handled lasted in television. their backs on me. Why? WHY?
a case where the people weren't nice.

| can remember how animated little Rickety's And here's where Rickety first learned the It’s a
face became when he was very happy . . Or gestures that he uses when he sings. He's good
was it when he was very sad? Come to think practicing opening and closing his eyes. gimmick.
of it, it was the same expression!
WW
 Here's a shot of Rickety saying his He asked, “What Oozie, you've always Yeah, Dad, it was swell
first complete intelligible statement. does Daddy di been such a generous, of you to let us play in
What was it he said to you, Divot? for a living?” considerate father! your room on rainy days!

Oh, Rickety, | Thanks to Dad's good advice, No, ! i, | Giggle, | 1 like Yes, our audience can
I'm so happy | | was the perfect gentleman. | you mean | mean giggle, |Whaley. identify so easily
that you found | I never tried to hug or kiss before | since we giggle, | He's with a 30-year-old
such a lovely her. | never even laid a you were were ? giggle. | such a college student
girl to marry! hand on her. married? | married! È real With a piercing
i person! | high-pitched giggle
: and absolutely no
redeeming qualities.

You gotta—giggle—help This is

me out, Rickety. My : a have
crisis. A crisis? Can't Aren't you
girl, Ginger Snaps, is
angry at me for going to go. we ever have any || going to kiss |
out with another girl. peace? What a
world we live in. |
me goodbye,
Rickety?
No—that ANY girl
юш go out with him!
 E Don't worry, |
Now, where = What You mean
Tommy. |
are YOU | | can't stand are you |I'm going to | You're But, Mr. Nilson.
can hold my
You don't know
going, | any more of going drown my going
what you're doing malteds.
Oozie? | this unbearable to do? | sorrows and | to- -
tension. tryry to forget.
rgi = to yourself.

слот RECORD
mixery Dwor Фол
1963 - 1957 -
M62- 1454 —
Чё! - él = де —
1454 7 454 = ав-
1451—

1957 -

Т
| |"
Er г
MH
Thanks, Gee, your off-camera life has
1 can't let you ||Why? 1 guess I'm just
do this. | refuse Don't you realize Tommy. || falling apart from ||But you blended into your on-camera
to serve you it's 4:30? You'll I'm all all this tension. || already lifetosuchanextentthat Ñ
ruin your appetite right Maybe | ought to || have a you've lost touch with where one
another malted. i job. Mr. ‘ends and the other begins. See?
Mmi for dinner. now. get a job to keep
| my mind occupied |
Nilson.
| I (boa

|| I
LE,
XE
Қ»

Well, can you beat that! But if |
have a job, what do | do?
You're “Producer-Director” of
The Nilson Family TV show!
Holy cow! No wonder l’ve
blocked it out of my mind!
Can | trust you to keep
a secret, Tommy?
Don't ever tell anyone what
Nilson. rather let people think I'm
What unemployed. It's much more
respectable!
 WORD GAME PRESERVE DEPT.
Here we go again with the game in which
we take ordinary Dictionary words, and
dream up some kookie animals that these
words suggest. Mainly, here we go with

THE RETURN
OF THE
superficial Araby billy club
Зоо

BUZZI

humdinger
BEASULIES
first aid kit
ARTIST; PAULCOKER JR. WRITER: : PHIL HAHN

Good Housekeeping Seal Balboa

wt
„са
Bangkok
 "TEXTE
IJCTETT ЕЕ
SIDE OF
| feel like having a chicken I'm sleeping.
salad sandwich on rye bread
with a big glass of milk. Be
a darling and get it for me.

Do you know that Man, when I dream, | dream in It sounds like you're Yep! That's where | do
some people dream glorious technicolor on a wide describing one of those my best sleeping!
in black and white, i Screen with stereophonic sound. big long spectacular z
and other people And sometimes, | even have an TA movies!
dream in color? intermission in the middle.

Thank you, Arnold.

You're such a tiger.
 9,332
= E Era UR i

ARTIST & WRITER: DAVE BERG

{Tell me You're A | want Listen, here, you! If There! That'll quiet

another stalling! Lie another you don't go to A him down and get him
down and 4 drink of EBoogy Man is = | to go to sleep!
to sleep! water! |

Ever since we Why? You That's just it. It's Where are you
moved out here should fall TOO quiet. The noise of going this you а
from the city, asleep faster the city's traffic was time of night? lullaby.
Гуе been having than ever. like music to my ears.
trouble falling It's so quiet
asleep. out here.

Get lost, Arnold.

You're such a pest!
 ={Today, when my) [There you go again. Every j When she said I've got
Boss told me ||night, before bed, you go LIT “20-20 Hindsight”, |
to straighten through the “I-should- ма | should have вай...
up and fly have-said—" routine. Do i q
right, | should you realize you've got
have вай... “20-20 Hindsight”.

полети) Cum) (ЩУГУ е

S uu

< Тее-Нее! Vivian! Vivian, get Oh, that's Nancy. She's having You kids nuts or somethin’? It's
up! | hear voices a Pajama Party. She has a five thirty in the morning! What
And that! | and giggling in couple of her friends sleeping are you getting up so early for?
thinks the house! in her room with her.

so grea ж: В

рRF on
Xs
I E ZDN

GARY! YOU HEAR ME? ‘ [GARY DONAHUE! YOU

БЕН | |GET UP THIS INSTANT!
 Sleep! Sleep! Sleep! That's Do you realize that people
all you ever do is sleep! sleep over one-quarter of
their lives away? And when
you're sleeping, you might
as well be dead!

Brrr! Must we But I'm shivering! If YEEOWW!! that

sleep with the this keeps up—Brrri— || up and floor is COLD!!
window open? ГИ never fall asleep! || close it!
I'm freezing!

AN HAYTER

The human brain is an amazing
mechanism. It has a built-in
timer and alarm system, just
like a clock. All | have to do
is tell my brain that | want
to get up at seven o'clock, and
Well, you forgot to wind up Oh, my gosh! | forgot
your brain, smart guy— to change my brain to
because it's precisely eight Daylight Savings Time!
o'clock right now!

Okay, okay! WHY THE HECK DIDN'T

I'm getting up! YOU WAKE ME UP!?!
 EVERY DOG HAS ITS DATE DEPT.

WHAT IS A
WRITTEN BY ARNIE KOGEN

pss the time a boy starts dating and the time he gets married,
he is guaranteed to come across a creature called a Blind Date.”
Blind dates come in an assortment of sizes and shapes . . . all
ridiculous.

Ж dates are found everywhere. Their names appear in discarded

address books, and their numbers on telephone booth walls.
Blind dates are arranged by everyone, including agencies, rela-
tives, and guys who—up until you see what they've stuck you with—
were your best friends.

г a pity on blind dates: Popular girls belittle them, popular boys

ignore them, parents console them, Dear Abby advises them, beau-
ty parlors con them, teachers pass them, nature fails them, and
spray deodorants protect them . . . sometimes.

Ablind date is Neatness with a run in her stocking, Primness with

mustard on her chin, Shyness with a loud voice, Poise with her
slip showing, Femininity with a hint of a mustache, and Hys-
teria in gym bloomers.

Ablind date is Yogi Berra in pedal pushers, Irene Ryan in a Bikini,

Fred Gwynne in a shift, Shirley Booth in stretch pants and
Dan Blocker in hip-huggers. She is the girl across the street
who looks like the boy next door.

Ablind date is never a show girl, a model, a cheerleader or a farm-

er's daughter. She is always a nurse's aid, somebody's clunky
cousin from out of town, or a member of the Girls' Field
Hockey Team.
BLIND
ILLUSTRATED BY SERGIO ARAGONES
DATE?
/blind date is a composite: She has the gender of Elizabeth Taylor,
the figure of Richard Burton, the hairdo of Dr. Zorba, the elo-
cution of Casey Stengel, the charm of an untipped waiter, the
facial expression of Alfred E. Neuman, and the aroma of the Pitts-
burgh Steelers’ locker room during half-time.

Ablind date likes nice-looking boys, night clubs, moonlight walks,

little compliments, some attention and lots of respect. She
doesn't particularly care for insults, laughing out loud when
you first meet her, introducing her to your friends as an April Fool
joke, taking her to Supermarket Openings, spending Prom night at a
Carvel Stand, asking her to split the check, or taking her to Lovers’
Lane . . . and then leaving her there.

hen you take out a blind date, you can't win. Who else can
W ruin your evening just by showing up? Who else laughs
out loud during the newsreel? Who else wears Vicks Vap-
O-Rub for cologne? And lipstick on her teeth? Who else puts on
galoshes to go surfing? Who else still has diaper rash at 17? Who else
has a measurement of 38-25-38... on her leg?

M: as well face it . . . blind dates are losers and rejects. They

are a plague and a blight. They are funny-faced, scatter-
brained, double-chinned, wax-eared, pigeon-toed, hairy-
legged, hang-nailed, pot-bellied, baggy-eyed, knock-kneed, baby-
fatted, gum-chewing, time-consuming things.
she
B: at the end of the evening, when you take her home, and
turns softly to you and shakes your hand and slams the door in
your face . . . you shout after her the words that millions who
have dated blind dates have shouted before...
“CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN NEXT SATURDAY NIGHT?”
 TOUR DE FARCE DEPT.
Television has a new gimmick that already looks like it's being run into the ground. We're talking
about these "Specials" devoted to
tours of the world’s most beautiful cities and countries conducted by the world’s most beautiful
women. There’s only one trouble with
these shows: The gorgeous tour-guides are so distracting that nobody looks at the scenery. F'rinstance
, we've been treated to inter-
esting views of Liz Taylor showing us—if you were idiot enough to notice—London somewhere in
the background. Then there was Sophia

Hello. I'm Shirley Finster, and MAD Magazine has asked

you 1 was gonna be in this magazine! Let's see Mrs. Stolz's me to show you my beloved New York. Sec, Mom? I fold
daughter, Bernice—who you're always throwing up to me
—top this!
Sorry for the personal aside, folks. Now where was 1? Oh, yeah! New
No guided tour of this glittering metropolis would be complete without a ride York City isa glittering metropolis.
on one о! glittering subways...

Easy! Take the “E” train to Т For your information, sir, Гат || Arthur! What do you
Seventh Avenue, go downstairs, || been noticin' yuh going to the airport where lam ||| ^mean taking that
take the "D" train to 59th ever since you got || taking poor blind man's
Street, go upstairs, take the || on at 72nd Street! [1 ——a—flightri
to Nome, Alaska!
————4 money! Why, that's
LR-T. to 42nd Street, follow ||Maybe you ап” | can IlGee, what a coincidence! stealing! You give
he red arrows to the Crosstown ||get off at the same Ч “Shen we do get off at that money to mother
[| Shuttle, take it to Sth Avenue— stop, huh? thehehsheh=same stool this minute!

i =

Li Aunt Lena! What do you think of your good-for-nothing niece, Shirley, now? Here I am at Broadway and 42nd Street,
shhowing all the MAD readers the heart of our glittering metropolis—Times
z Square! Oh—give my regards to Uncle Мах!
шум» — = t
NOW PLAYING: É Hey, Joe! Dig the guy |“ IN Subway Life Insurance!
€ wearing make-up! So >| Subway Life Insurance!
THE SEXPOT pcd LEAGUER || that's what they mean (©)| You can't risk going
Okay, all you Ice Cream
М addicts! Have your sleeves
ІЙ by “The Gay White Way"! |Í down there without ff]rolled up and your 15 bucks
LEATHER WHIP BEACH ORGY | Б Subway Life Insurance! |) ready! 10¢ more if you want
“Four Lashes''—The Daily News MARCE: 10 =, iz Ice Cream!
= Is that all? T "Lg ii
aa
Sorry, kid!
DR "1 ñ ! thought it
You're too

Stick-up!

and l can't stand the crowds

and all this noise! Where can
| go to find peace and quiet?
 Inger Stevens' Sweden, Me-
Loren's study of Rome—or was it Milan? We forgot. We were too busy studying Miss Loren. After that came
should make up its mind. Either

NEW YORK
lina Mercouri's Greece and Ava Gardner's Spain—all with the same problem. MAD feels that Television
world-famous city without a heautiful,
show us the places, or show us the girls—not both. To illustrate, here is a MAD tour of the
or even want to. Let's look at:
curvaceous, world-famous woman to distract you. In fact, we've chosen someone nobody would notice,

ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITERS: RONALD AXE & SOL WEINSTEIN

Does it always || Only on the | Homer! | || Okay—when Igive de мі,

we take over de train! An’ simply adore riding sul 5!
take a half- Express! The
hour to во 10 || Localtakes
|J think we've
|] lost one of | ШИ remember...no prisonerst ВО imis them ever se,GUMMI вагт
blocks? a lot longer! our children! E n and intriguing ...a real slice || off, Sheldon!
of life, don't you think? You're just
too cheap to
take a cab!

Keep
New
York
City
CLEAN!
Dump Your
Litter In
New Jersey!

/ And this is another famous landmark іп our glittering metropolis—The Bowery—where yesterday's “Social Drinkers” are
Louis! What are you doing here?
today's "Social Outcasts". I think that means they're bums! We must pity them and—Uncle

Mattress. ...... zn
Private Mattress .
Bed
go | Private
Did you know l опсемоп ||| was aMadison Avenue || Don't you ||Where are you | ҮП probably
an “Oscar” for my realistic || executive! My job was ||tojust love vacationing || North! | hear they ||
portrayal of a habitual to entertain eat out?! redecorated Grand
Central Station's =
drunkard? | owe everything
waiting room! My son just bought a
Caddy Convertible for
my grandson and a new
{| mink coat for his wife!
 ‘This is Killman’s Gym, where the manly art of self-defense is practiced by some of the finest young men around under the
benevolent eyes of their equally fine managers. . . sportsmen all. How's that for sarcasm! Anyway, here is where many
professional fighters train to reach the highest goal of their profession—mainly to own their own bar...
They say this || Oh— Okay, Right! Then, in
Yeah! And this time, || Who knows?! 5
Kowalski is about || boys— Rocky
really ready || fifty || Then || knocks out || stage the
April, we
Kowalski upsets Rocky! || That's what || ' eee Ка but
thistime! ||grand! || it's Kowalski return E| That'll set up the
н big ||
i makes Boxing State Boxing | who's
“rubber match" at the || the great И Commissionis cleangonna B
©! up
What do you all set! in the bout in
think it'll 3rd round! ||Kowalski's | Garden!thatButone?
who wins || sport that
it ist!
3
Bonne clean
the State
Boxing
| take to beat home town! up the fight ||Commission?
г him, Rocky? a game!

+ This is the Brillo Building—the home of America's genius songwriters and publishers—men like Anka Shmanka and Seal Nedaka,
who have helped to bring the level of popular music to what it is today. We owe these people our thanks... Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Sir, 1 saw Don't Bomm-bob-a-bomm-bomm, ЕШ

your ad saying you Wha-oh, wha-oh, whahh,
you're looking want to T "Е Ranga-langa-lang-lang, Stu—that's your
for hit songs 5 most sensitive
from unknown ||Kid. ! love your song already! And all |]myhear song EE | Rip-diddy-rip-diddy-dum!
lyric by far! Only
y ||i'll cost you is for the arrangements, | "rst? lot necessary, I'm not too crazy
аи an printing, distribution and publicity! || s kid! Just leave about the melody!
ave a tune || And lucky for you, my partner just VI] your check!
[Ij] happens to be an arranger, a printer, 4 We'll take care
| || a publicity agent and a distributor! === ofthe rest!

d)
NETTE "m j на
(NE 6-22 Т
|
fl||ў

АННА
Fourflusher Music, Ltd.
SURFBOARD PUBLISHING, CO.

Hi! Wally Well, if it ain't Rockin’ Robby Russel I I "I

Baby... -. . New York's favorite disc jockey! No! No! No! NO! | want something
=т= the public's never heard before!
Something new, fresh and daring!
Just sorta dropped Wanna hear another coincidence? J ust happened
in by coincidence, to have this envelope of cash for you! By the
Wally, baby...

1|
way, Rob, when's the next "coincidence" due? | Like—uh .—''Moon River"

... like, say, next

ИШТ
Let's leave it to fate
Y Exactly!
Thursday at 2:15! I'll play both sides...

!|
H
| PAYOLA & ASSOCIATES
Record Promotion & Publicity

LI
 - And lastly, but not leastly, let's look in on а typical office along gl ittering good
executives and copy men struggle to sell pro ucts with intelligence and
Madison Avenue, where high-
taste, as the ads they pr
wered account
luce will testify:

Incredible! 1 can promise you, C. G., Right, C. G. My network

Gentlemen, it will be your job to introduce the A drug that
The perfect
product! They that we here at BBB&B will give you the type
world to our new product—SERENEX! Unlike other absolutely will give “Serenex” the of TV show that will
drugs with their harmful, sometimes fatal side cannot do
can't say we
best possible exposure represent to the public
effects, SERENEX has no effect whatsoever . . . have a ‘Public
on television! But Jim everything that your
which automatically makes it superior to any be damned”
Snowjob, here, can tell product stands for!
other wonder drug on the market today! attitude now—
damn them! [| you more about that...

Гуе got a show in mind that'll be in But | don't

be more
prime time on the hottest night of like music!
specific
the week, with a guaranteed 35.6 About? Uh—i "s about about the The show itself? Why it will |
rating—a show for the whole family America! Your America, show be a show that will make
.... With sex, violence, spectacle, my America, and the itself? "Serenex" the top-selling
warmth, suspense, music— —warmth,
America of 35. 6 million drug product in the world!
suspense, and happy TV viewers!! That's what it'll be about!
best of all—
no music!

E
ж

And so, as the sun sinks slowly behind the

Miss Travers! Get me “Program skyline of glittering New York, we say goodbye
Development"! Mort, baby... ? to my glittering metropolis! This is Shirley
We just clinched the ""Serenex Finster, thanking you all for allowing me to
sponsorship! Get the writers else
come into your living rooms, or whereverGood
together! The idea? As usual,
1 had to come up with it myself!
It's a show about America—your
SERETIEH you may be reading this! Good night!
night, Mom! Good night, Pop! Good night,
PRESENTS Cousin Jake ...and Gertrude and Leslie and
America and mine! Take it from Susan and Jamie and the Gang at Pop's Pizza—
there and work out the details!
“Thursday
Night
At The
Movies”
 LAME-BRAIN GAMES DEPT.

ARTIST & sf Ë ШЕ
|ЕПВЕ22 ее,
A TRIP TO BRAZIL E
HARLIE FINSTERNICK HAS JUST
EMBEZZLED $ ZOOO,OOO FROM HIS BANK.
SEE IF YOU CAN GET HIM SAFELY TO BRAZIL
BEFORE IT ESTABLISHES AN EXTRADITION
TREATY WITH THE UNITED STATES, AND
WITHOUT RUNNING INTO THESE FIVE TRAPS
ALONG THE WAY:
4. WIFE AND SCREAMING KIDS
2. BANK EXAMINER
3. POLICE
Ф £ 5.Z.
$. TEENAGE HOODS
HANGING AROUND
AIRPORT.

HIS IS THE BEAUTIFUL AND

AND GET A B/G SURPRISE |
Е YOU FOLLOW THE NUMBERS AND CONNECT EACH DOT, A SURPRISE PICTURE
COLORFUL BOUGAINVILLEA PLANT. | |NILL APPEAR. YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT IT IS, SO GET RIGHT TO WORK AND
САМ YOU GUESS HOW TO COLOR т2| |SATISFY YOUR:CURIOSITY. ALL WE CAN SAY IS THAT WHEN YOU ARE DONE, YOU
(SEE ANSWER BELOW) | WILL GET A BIG BANG OUT CF IT!IN FACT, IT’S A REAL KILLER-DILLER!
[THE WHOLE IDEA IS HOT AS А PISTOL / SO SHOOT THE WORKS ON THIS ONE,
GANG ! P _

550 56057058659 т m
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OPTICAL ILLUSION

TARE AT THIS BLACK SPOT FOR SIX

HOURS WITHOUT BLINKING. THEN TRY TO
LOOK UP THE NAME AND THE.NUMBER OF
A GOOD EYE DOCTOR IN THE PHONE
BOOK. YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO DOIT,
BECAUSE EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK YOULL
SEE BLACK SPOTS. YOU MAY ALSO SEE
DOUBLE. THIS IS CALLED AN "OPTICAL IF YOUR ANSWER IS "ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM", BETTER CHECK
ILLUSION". AFTER YOU HAVE HAD YOUR ARITHMETIC. IF YOUR ANSWER IS "BRTXNTLBE", YOU MADE THE AS
ENCUGH OF THIS FUN, GET SOME FRIEND STUPID MISTAKE OF IDENTIFYING THE LITTLE DOTS IN PICTURE FOUR
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OTHERWISE, YOU MAY WIND UP WITH AND IF YOU SKIPPED DOING THIS PUZZLE ENTIRELY, YOU SHOWED
THIS EYE TRICK PERMANENTLY ! RARE INTELLIGENCE .

ДИНЕВ MONTHS GUEST ART TEACHER IS THE RENOWNED CARICATU RIST,

HOW TO DRAW GREAT IRVING DRUC .
KERSOME OF YOU MAY THINK THAT IRVING'S STYLE
ELSEWHERE IN
IS
COPIED FROM ANOTHER "DRUCKER” WHO APPEARS AROUND.
CARTOON LIKENESSES THIS MAGAZINE . ACTUALLY, ITS THE OTHER WAY
BEHIND
BEHIND THE
THE ODD-BAL
ODD-BALLL DEPT. te
DOS

RAINSModerao
s| Believe A ovMess
Qя 2
"NS
Sa FARIN [a
TEEN AGE ROCK'N'ROLL STAR, ALEX T.BOSCH,
EARNS 2 MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR |.BROADWAY THEATER
WC ^. AND YET, HAS NOT BOUGHT CARPENTERS, UNION,
HIS PARENTS АNEW САМЕ HOME WITH‚ THE
„50 ООО HOME // | -ASTOUNDING SUM OF
$4700.28
AS HIS SALARY FOR
ONE WEEK !Ç

IT WAS ASTOUNDING BECAUSE

HE'D ONLY WORKED HALF-DAYS
THAT WEEK /
Я USUALLY, MEMBERS OF THE BROADWAY
mis THEATER CARPENTERS UNION AVERAGE
== TWICE THAT MUCH /
CONTRARY TO = Ш
POPULAR BELIEF,
THE CITY OF E
питтаn | ^ NOTED WW HAIRDRESSER
A AND BEAUTICIAN,
1S MOT DULL. түте
IT JUST seems THAT WAY BECAUSE ITS
DOES NOT TALK WITH ALISE
RIGHT NEXT TO "EXCITING" CAMDEN, N.J. |AND DOES NOT SASHAY "WHEN НЕ
WALKS!
HE DOES HOWEVER, HAVE THEIR BRONX TENEMENT Gy
APARTMENT REZAINTED EVERY THREE YEARS /
(MANLY BECAUSE HE THE LANDLORD OF THEIR BUILDING)

РЕР INTHE SHAPE OF A SWAN

WAS CREATED BY CATERER
MILTON FORBUSH
FOR THE LAVISH BAR MITZVAH
OF SHELDON STOBOFSKY
2 of Huntington, NY.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE WHOLE THING WAS THROWN OUT i HOWEVER, WHEN ANGERED, HE WAS
2-7” BY MRS. STOBOFSKY WHO HAD DISTINCTLY ORDERED
TUNA FISH SALAD INTHE SHAPE OF A MGATIYGALE / BEEN KNOWN TO HIT CUSTOMERS
(MRS. STOBOFSKY HERSELF 1S IN THE SHAPE OF A PHEASANT) WITH HIS HANDBAG/
 TOTS MY LINE DEPT.

It's Christmas time once again, and the sound of happy laughter is echoing over the
land. But we're not talking about the innocent giggles of children. We're talking

JE TOY MANUFACTURER
about the gleeful cackling of that greedy little band of charlatans—the money-
hungry toy manufacturers. And so, what better time than now for MAD to interview...

|
OF THE YEAR
| | i'm Chet Hunkley, for MAD Magazine. . . and today
we're talking to Mr. Herman Leech, who has just
|) been voted “Toy Manufacturer Of The Year." Tell a
7
——
li =,
== You mean,
"Give the
| people what ps
| |dus, Mr. Leech, to what do you owe your success? motto that has made most | sucker born
every minute!”"! [S
(Р

To really understand our business, What 108 toy!? This Now here is one of our CAD
take a look at this diagram. It is for a $2.98 toy! “Educational Toys"! We Де чо
| shows just where the money goes spent over 2 million |}/ È t i
+ | The other $2.88 is 2 musing one:
for each dime spent on one of the МЕ аи pure profit! dollars advertising it! ксы
toys my company manufactures
for profitonthis f TURO
е toy.

ADVERTISING
AND
PROMOTION

Yes, advertising plays a major role
in our business. | want to show
our latest commercial. It's for "THE
SUPER-SONIC SOUND-BARRIER-BUSTIN’
JET"! Okay, бат... roll the film—
PRODUCTION
DEPARTMENT
As you can see, we are complying
with the U.S. Government's recent
crack-down on dramatized TV Toy
Commercials. We clearly warn it's 8
not a flying toy in big letters!
= instruction sheets provided—
What was so
“Educational e lives, has |7
about that? just learned a valuable klesson—“a them! They're
mainly, not to believe everything all in my
| he reads! Listen, Mr. Hunkley, it's| Award-Winning
a cruel world and there are lots Advertising
of unscrupulous people around! Department!
a
Hey, kids! Just watch the new “SUPER- Listen to it explode through the
you
SONIC SOUND-BARRIER-BUSTIN' JET" go! sound barrier! Be the first kid
See it zoom high over buildings! Watch in your neighborhood to own a
it swoop down, breaking all speed records! "SUPER-SONIC SOUND-BARRIER-
BUSTIN' JET" and zoom off to
new heights of fun—fun—fun!
Here is our laboratory where
wetestallnewtoys.As you |
No—very clever! This сап see, these men are trying | |%406
ad is run on shows that to assemble toys from the 1 guess
appeal to the 3 to 6- usual complicated and obscure ||done! No | that toy with flying
year-old age groups =
one could
assemble
doesn't colors!
and they can't read!
 2 W
Here are our dolls. Each year, they “Vomiting
It's all part of the great strides we've made in the toy become more realistic. First, we had Vicky”!
business in the past ten years. We don't sell cheap “Crying Cathy,” who cried real tears,
Japanese toys anymore that break when the kids then "Talking Tessie,” who talked,
play with them on Christmas morning! Now our toys then “Walking Wendy," who walked. Now And she has
break when the fathers assemble them on Christmas here is the ultimate in doll realism— a boyfriend,
Eve. Then they have to go out and buy something “Nauseated
else. It doubles our volume! Norman"!

Correct. Up to now, a boy

And here's our who wanted to play with be missing! Any boy who plays
famous “G.I. with dolls would never be
Clyde"—the
dolls had to settle for a
girl doll. "6.1. Clyde" Oh, it shows accepted into the army. What
soldier doll— is an exact replica of a boys what they could they do—slap the
soldier in battle array. can expect when
they grow up and [92
enemy to death?
go into the army?

Following No, that's to prove Here are our Because once a kid
the trend | see that it's exactly that, aside from the popular “Boobie” buys a “Boobie” doll,
toward color of plastic, the and "Kent" dolls. How can she needs all these
Brotherhood,
the same as the white
doll. Is that to prove, dolls are made from the They cost us you make clothes to go with it.
we have this same basic mold. Sort of $1.50 each to Each item cost us 986
Negro doll—
that, aside from the
color of skin, people making Brotherhood pay make, and we sell to make, and we sell
are basically the same? | off, you might say! them for 986 each. Ñ it for $5.00. Get it?
Ша
We also do a fabulous Are you putting me on? | Here we have our “Activity Line.” Listen, boys
business with these | suppose 1f they imitated their | Remember when we were kids, we'd x and girls
miniature stoves and little girls Bj. mothers, they wouldn't get an old broom, knock off the But don't even
sewing machines. В just love to go near а stove ога handle, and use it for a Stick | don't play “Doctor”
imitate their |Ë Sewing machine. No, I'm Ball Bat? Now, | sell them “Ready- kids without first
mothers.
afraid they only play Made” for $1.00. Today, a kid invent buying our
with these. They soon doesn't have to make anything. . . games Official "Ben
grow out of them. he just has to buy it. like we i
used to?

you're
always Ë Not necessarily. Sometimes we
on the Щ just give an old thing a new twist,
get a catchy пате for it, quadruple
the price, and advertise the heck
out of it. Like this new item...

But don't kids y This is our fabulously

realize that realize that Captain Kangaroo successful “Model Kit" kidding?
it's a cheat and is neither a Captain nor division. We put all But aren't the After
deception? a Kangaroo? the left over plastic kids unhappy sniffing
scraps from our toys When they fad the GLUE,
into a box with a giant that these kits they're not
tube of glue, and we don't build unhappy about
sell it for $1.00. anything? anything!
 Here's a popularto item
...guaranteed ш from
keep |I]Because they'reup exhausted
jumping and down
the kids from running [Bj ыл үре Ттагтаройпе?
around the house.
W

You have to : Y'know, | really love kids. The trusting

Mr. Leech, can understand Right. And since most parents hate to spend tykes have made me ым a rich man and |
you explain the peyeirolo, time with their kids, they feel guilty. So tse of obligation Naro
Why y toystoy: that расови
of toy buyers. they Hse on them
they spend money Mem instead.
a Пен ifa
Now, | folam,
“them. So I try to repay them by
are worth only Now, who buys er were ro buy a toy and spend
it would still leave him with alot of guilt SOF,
only x” doing volunteer work.
206 or 30¢ || the most toys? feelings left over. If he spent $10 for the
sell so well at same toy, he'd not only feel content, but he'd
$5.00 or $10.00? Parents, | guess. also figure he's entitled to appreciation.

Yes. each year, | try to bring ) Santa, I | | A puppy? That could be a terrible gift for achild. Suppose it bit
some joy into a few children's {| would like | | you—or died? Why don't you ask your Mommy for a Leech $12.98
lives by donating my services a puppy Гог | Road-Racing Set or a Leech $27.95 Auto Cart. And if Mommy says,
as “Santa Claus" ... '[ Christmas! “Nol”, try holding your breath for ten or fifteen minutes.
у Then hit her up for a Leech $59.95 10-Shift Bike . . .
JOKE & DAGGER DEPT. PART Il

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 POEM OF THE BRAVE DEPT.

THE SWAN SONG OF A

MODERN HIAWATHA
(With apologies to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's “The Song of Hiawatha")
Illustrated by Don Martin Written by Tom Koch

By a pond in Minnesota, Rotten football school, Nokomis;

Near the stagnant Green-Scum-Water Sent forth players weak and gentle:
Stood the campus of Nokomis, (Mostly Horticulture Majors.)

Then one autumn through the pine trees,
Through the black and gloomy forest,
Strode the freshman, Hiawatha;
Strong with limbs like reindeer sinew.
Signed to play for Memphis Normal,
He was lost and asked directions.
"Shut my mouth!” drawled Coach Kowalski,
“Y'all are here; the South awaits thee.”
Hiawatha gazed in wonder
At the snow up to his armpits.
“This is Dixie?” then he mumbled.
“Stupid redskin,” joshed Kowalski.
So it was that Hiawatha,
Son of Ishkoodah, the comet,
Donned his new Nokomis beanie;
Huddled in the bunk assigned him.
“Geez, it's cold!” wailed Hiawatha.
“Hush, my fullback,” cooed Kowalski, 39
 Soon the young brave, Hiawatha,
Found himself matriculated;
Signed for classes that befit him:
Simple Math and Shrubbery Pruning,
Checkers, Lunch and Water Polo.
(Perfect course; wrong institution.)
"Ee-wa-voom!" yowled Hiawatha,
(Football practice now forgotten).
SI was taught by wrinkled Grandma
How to woo the elk and otter,
Speak of marriage to the pine cone.
THIS the old crone failed to mention."
In their quest for football players,
All the frats sought Hiawatha
“Til they studied close his features.
Then, as one wheel aptly put it,
"| dunno. Could be ап Injun;
Yet to me, he still looks Jewish.”
Days of torment quickly followed
For the harried Coach Kowalski.
Left with three men in his backfield
While the fourth played hanky-panky
Out behind the pipestone quarry;
Fiendish plans engulfed the mentor.
One by one did Hiawatha
Learn to know the campus creatures:
Erickson, the hot rod owner,
Nippersink, the brooding Commie;
Best of all, he soon discovered
Emmie Sue, the Chi Omega.
On that frigid autumn evening,
Emmie Sue, the Chi Omega,
Listened with a wide-eyed horror
‚ As the coach, most confidential,
Warned her darkly of “the nut who
Thinks he’s living now in Memphis.”
 Came the dawn and grieving Emmie
Sought the help of Doctor Swinehorst,
Dean of studies Psychiatric
At the Med School of Nokomis.
*'All`s not lost,” the Doc assured her,
"If you think he can afford me.”
e
| А ^
Emmie Sue, the Chi Omega,
Heard the tragic diagnosis.
“Crazy as a loon, said Swinehorst,
“Even thinks the loon's his sister.
l'd suggest you drop this savage;
Date instead my son, the dentist.”
Soon the young brave, Hiawatha,
Lay upon the couch of Swinehorst,
Lay there fearless as the birch tree.
“Tell me of your childhood trauma,”
Said the Doc with notebook handy;
“What of Mom and Dad and siblings?
OoBIN!IGLIT
FORNUM! ZEBFI!
Hiawatha, broken hearted,
Now without his love beside him,
Turned his thoughts at last to football;
Learned what meant the mumbled signals
Of the quarterback, Wochowicz;
Scrimmaged ‘til his bridgework rattled.
Hiawatha answered calmly,
“Daddy was a white-fire comet;
Mom a song bird in the willows.
I had many forest brothers:
Brown bear, moose and timid rabbit."
“Ach du leiber!” cried out Swinehorst.
Happy then was Coach Kowalski;
Dreamed he in untroubled slumber
“Neath the full moon, Nu-see-wah-goo,
Of Nokomis, undefeated;
Dreamed of glory soon to come on
New Year's Day in Pasadena.
 Only Gitchee-Goomee Teachers,
Hated rival of Nokomis,
Barred the path the coach envisioned.
Waiting tensely for the kick-off, “Aush-wea-eccch!” moaned Hiawatha Toward the goal where Gitchee-Goomee’s
Hiawatha eyed the bleachers; As the pigskin bounced before him, Tackle grabbed it unmolested,
There sat Emmie with the dentist. Caromed off his furrowed forehead Scored the first of fourteen touchdowns.

With the Dean on Monday morning,

Hiawatha got the message:
"F^ in Math and Shrubbery Pruning.
"Memphis pledged I'd pass,” he bleated. Quiet reigns now in Nokomis. All that’s left: a voice heard faintly;
Roared the dean in tones like thunder, Gone is Emmie; gone the dentist; Hiawatha, college drop-out,
“Memphis! Buster, you're in Flunksville.” Gone the mob that lynched Kowalski. Back home chatting with the chipmunk.
42
 EIGHT OLD TOMATOES IN THAT ITTY BITTY FILM CAN DEPT.

Remember how in the good old days, as soon as an actress reached fifty, she stopped playing glamorous roles and either took
nice mature mother parts, or she retired? Well things being what they are today, what with the cost of living and taxes,
these old gals can't afford to retire. And there are no nice mature mother parts in movies any more because there's some-
thing too disgustingly healthy about nice mothers. So what are “Has-Been Glamour Gals" doing these days? You guessed it!
They're making Horror movies! They're discarding their make-up, and they're playing maniacs and murderesses. Yes, nowadays,
“Qld Actresses Never Die—They Just Hack Away"... at each other . . . in movies like this here MAD version, entitled . . .

HACK, HACK, SWEET HAS-BEEN

‘What Ever Happened To Good Taste
Hack, hack sweet Has-Been;
Hear that body thud!
Hack, hack sweet Has-Been
watch that corpse shpritz blood!
While hacking, darling, with all your might,
Fans scream all over the place!
It's not your axe that causes all the fri

, weet Has-Been;
Has-Been, spillthat gor
Keep hacking, Has-Been;

ЧАКА a
WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL

Hello! Hi! Ah'm Bubby Jean! Lawsy, Cousin Phoebe, we — Мей, Ah

OLIVIA DeHACKAHAND. i'm «| were so excited when you wired you were comin’ guess
BETTE DEVIOUS... Cousin Í to visit us kinfolk of yours! Jus' think, the that should
TALLULAH BANGHEAI Phoebe! one relative that you like best inherits eight start this
JOAN CLAWFOOT. Did you million dollars in your Will! Of course, if you lil оі”
® get my cain't make up your li'l ol’ mind, the last sinister
BARBARA STUNWHACK. surviving relative gets the money, right? plot rollin’!
MARY GHASTLIER. i"
AGNES GOREMEAD |
VICTOR 800800.

WITH
as a Headless Torso
.as a Torsoless Head
s a Pool of Blood
AND
The Gabor Sisters
as
Three Exposed Ganglia Nerves
AND FEATURING
Maria Ouspenskaya as Herself (Right Now)
 Lawsy, lawsy me, Cousin Phoebe, Flattery will get --. and for cryin’ Well, well! You must be No thanks,
honey! We got some real ugly о!" you nowhere! | out loud, Bette... I Cousin Eight Million Selig!
battle-axes in this family, but still haven't made cut out that rotten | Dollar... ha-ha . .. | mean We'll walk
you are easily the ugliest of up my mind about ||Southern accent! This up by
'em all, an' tha's a fact, the Will... is New Hampshire! ourselves!
| do declare!

We'll be eating Good! You can use my Cousin Phoebe, g Oh, that's right!
soon, Cousin Thank you, Bubby new electric gadget did you (ГИ get that 8
Phoebe! Wouldn't Jean! ГИ just for re-setting hair! rememiber to "HI million bucks yet!) | | want the
you care to touch up my face shine your Don't you | Say „Ном come you're |camera to
mess yourself Ёwith some Twenty ИOn, you nave a dryer? shoes before || recall? You | walking down the | Photograph
up a bit before Й Mule Team Borax, Е ч dinner? licked them || stairs backwards?! | the good
dinner. and re-set my š clean with : side of my
hair a little! >% your tongue! face!

You know something, куHow would you ||She's not AAAAAAAAHH! l'm not screaming
Kitchykoo—! just like to inherit inheriting SHRIEEEEEK!! How come you're about the stabbing! news
sampled one of your || eight million || 8 million SCREEEAAMM!!! screaming like that, I'm screaming because | for you,
dumplings, and you dollars anything, Cousin Phoebe. My | just saw Tallulah darling!
are a wonderful to open up a | darling! sister, Precious, is Banghead for the "т
restaurant? only giving the first time . wearing
QW cook a measly scissor without makeup! П
с job. In these
movies, that's like
“two for flinching!”
| Precious, must the Of course, darling! It's all THIS is a close-up! It's a shot of the scissors Oh, then there
won't be any sex
|camera always show part of the new freedom in entering a vein! After this, we'll see a close-up of
sickening close-up | American Movies .. .freedom to gushing blood, followed by a close-up shot of 178 in this movie?
shots—like this twist minds, freedom to turn feet of entrails! Close-ups like these are very rz
| one of the scissors | stomachs, and freedom to teach important in horror movies! They take the Of course there
will! Only not
in her back? new murder techniques! And audience's minds off dirty things . . . like sex!
besides, this isn't a close-up! for 10 minutes
ІШ yet! This takes
their minds off
sex until then!

2 SCISSORS |

| ware
BLoop |
CELLS
RUSHING
TO THE
DEFENSE
2» CHICKEN
BLOOD CELL

1 don't know—as |sit here at the dinner

table, | have the sneaking suspicion that
the family is trying to butter me up for
my money. But then again, I'd hate to be
unfair to them! Perhaps they eat all
their meals this way!

Precious, you have such fine, Oops! Forget it! Tell me,
sensitive fingers, and you play have you ever thought about
taking up Shorthand?
the piano divinely! How would
you like an 8 million dollar
Music Scholarship to . . .

NS
 Poopy, you're brilliant! How would Oops! You have such a wonderful
you like 8 million dollars to go head on your floor!
to Vassar? You have such a wonderful
head on your shoulders . . .

Bubby Jean! ! just can't take
all this horror and death any
longer! Look at Selig! He's
him out, and now he's walking
all over him! How ghastly!
You've got it all wrong! YAAAAAHH! Look! See those empties all around?
Selig is just doing It's Honeybunch! She's dead, ||It's obvious—somebody fed her
another of his Bofferin and there isn't a mark on 40 bottles of Pepsi-Cola...
her! How was she murdered? and she burped to death!
you think we pay the
bills around here?
 l'll give it to you, | Ж Wha—what goes on here!? ANNETTE FUNNYJELLO!
all right! Boy, are | This isn't in the script! Star of stage, screen,
I get it, right? ! you gonna get it! In f Olivia!! What are you TV and sandy beaches!
Come оп... give it to me! just one minute... | Hey! You're NOT OLIVIA! =

a nr 3
That's right, Bette! шш Мо! Because this Why? I'll tell you why! Because we young swingers were
You fell for our But that wasn't real killing! morning, 27 of h monopolizing the industry with our movies until you
trap! We've tricked || That was trick photography! | my fellow teenage | old broads came along with yours! Everyone knows that
all you old battle- | Weren't those rubber scissors | movie stars staged your Horror movies are just as terrible as our Surfing
axes into killing | and plastic axes and wooden а coup d'état at | movies! Still, they call yours “A” Pictures, while ours
each other off! heads and paper maché the Studio Prop | l| are called “B” Pictures. Your movies even get Academy
hands and ketchup for Department! Those ? Award nominations, while our movies are ignored
blood and...? | were real scissors | l by anyone over sixteen... .!
NI and real axes and а
тт l real heads and
AC —< hands and blood!

Well, it's not fair! Okay! OKAY! Quiet on the set of “DROWN, It's good The movie Right! | Drown, drown, sweet Surfer: |
All that we of the DROWN, SWEET SURFERS”! We're going to | to see industry Now it's ||Surfing now has died!
younger generation do the big “Mass Murder Scene" now! all those is no dominated ||Get with it, Surfer, па!
want is what's Places, please, Annette Funnyjello, Pamela | ugly old longer by us tired, ||And ride the Horror tide!
coming to us! Mainly Taffy, Bubbi Shaw, Shelley Farblungit broads dominated | overexposed Z
—EVERYTHING!! Is | and the rest of you! READY... LIGHTS! gone now! || bytired, | young bags! И
|that asking too much? CAMERAS! MUSIC! DANCING! |q overexposed
Well, now we've got =
| а: X | o bees!
it! NOW—WE'VE СОТ

1-4
DON MARTIN DEPT.

чы LEES SUBWAY
LOCAL
 ne, eh? FOLD PAGE OVER LIKE THIS
Loo ks lik , pleasant Winter's sce
e't a gayfoo
А VITAL Well, don be led by it. You sho uld know
MESS AGE us cynical devils at MAD by nov. $o just fold

FROM THE testi ыш ас жылы n

STAFF OF THIS ISSUE'S REVOLTING
MAD. MAD F0LD-IN FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT 4^ FOLD BACK SO "A" MEETS "B"

== = nm

"u^ HARDY SKATERS AND SNAPPY

s$ WEATHER 4a
HOLD FORTH ON A WINTER'S DAY
THE REPLACEMENT