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Good and bad experiences = stories 2003 By: Enjoli Baker

The Words During Life

In the middle of the night, I wake up, and wonder what my life would be like if things were a straight line? Would the things that I think are negative, suddenly be positive? Would the road have an absence of green lights? Or would it contain too many stop signs? Maybe the things that I miss would suddenly become available, but of course for only a short time. Life would be much easier if everything I wanted was tangible, but it could never be that because everything seems so far away. Life has been a negative form of energy that has made me into some form of being, that I do not wish to be. Times are not easy for one moment of the day. Everyday I get closer to death, but somehow it passes me by. The Lord has spared my life once more. All the doors keep closing in my face. I want to be better, live better, and be at peace, but my mind will not let me, for one given second. The confusion in my head, takes over the thoughts of my heart. In that sense I cant win the inner battle that has haunted me for so long. My dreams increase my awareness, but it does not change my feelings. My feelings are like that of an ocean, they role in and out. Each time capturing something different, that was not there before. The life I live captures all moments. When will the moment be everlasting and sweet? But not so tender that it falls to pieces. Life is but a game that has played many tricks on me, and most of the time I lose, just because I am blinded. I am blinded by other people and everyday things; I want to grab a hold of. I still try to reach for it, and all I feel is the wind from it right before it falls. When life has failed me, I have no choice but to try to win it back, after all what else do I have to live for? I live to be hurt, to be happy, and to be free. Free from everything but my problems, and myself. I have to live with myself, and anything that I have done, and if I cant live with myself, I will have what you call unfinished business. Meaning that my life is drowning, and the other half is already at the bottom. I will never have time to catch my breath. I will let my life pass by, and all I will see is a blur. The things I missed in life, I will no longer find important. The past doesnt concern me because I have already changed. But I have made a change for the worse. As I look behind me, everything is moving in slow motion, as if there was no such thing called time. I plan nothing, because my plans usually dont come through. I wait for unplanned things to happen. Sometimes my days have no spaces between the lines, but other times there are so many. Through all of this I still have some expectations. I still think things should happen my way, but in a sense I have rejected everything I was close to. I cant believe that I have the audacity to somehow demand, that those things piece themselves back together. Even then my hands are still broken. I am worn out and tired, from lifes twists and turns. The heavy rain that sits on my shoulders will not dry up unless there is a sunny sky. The load that I carry does not contain happy thoughts and yet I carry the load as if I dont have a care in the world. My mind will not let me forget my past, but yet I try different methods to make me forget. The strain I put

on my heart and soul is captured by my words. It all comes out of that pit of filth that I call a mouth. I say what I dont feel, and I dont feel what I say. That makes my tongue the snake of all of my lies. What controls the body does not control me, because I have my own ways of landing. I have a crooked path that I like to follow; it leads me to a dead end every time. I continue to follow this path because it is all that I know. It is the very thing that keeps me walking. It is the direction that I have been leaning towards. The soil that I was brought up from was rich but it soon dried up, like rose petals with no water source. A being with no problems cant live or grow. The stem contains problems, but the solution makes the flower bloom. My stems growth has stopped. Is it because of the world? Why would the world be my weakness? The world could never be my weakness; I would never blame the world for the state I am in. I understand that some things you cause on your self, but does it really mean that you deserve them? In a way I think it does what you do will be done to you. Maybe that is a part of my problem. I have done my share of good things and they out weigh the bad any day of the week. Why must my rewards be invisible? The rewards seem to change themselves, when given to me. Rewards are presented to me one way, but the outcome is very different. The change over is entirely too quick for me grasp. My past seems closer to me then my future. There are some things in my past that I want to be in my future. Pulling them out would be difficult. How can I put broken pieces back together? Each time I try, I notice that they will not all fit, where they once where before. When my mind is made up not to do something, I end up doing the very thing that I said I wouldnt do. Then problems rise and my whole world falls apart. Once again I am confused, I am at a red light, and I hope I see a green light soon. My passion to lie is what helps me with problems, for a short time. Will it hold me forever? I dont think it will, but if the truth is known I will never be free. I will always be hounded knowing what is thought of me. I am a failure, I have given up, and there is no possible way left to go. I have tried to hold on to my life, but the ride is almost over. I have done everything to make it better. What more can I do? I have run out of space. I have wants, but what I want doesnt want me. I have lost all hope of ever getting through this. How much longer can I hang on by a shoestring? I am at the very edge of the cliff, and for some reason, I am not afraid to fall this time. Is it really to much to ask to want to be happy? Maybe it is, that is simply asking the world to change. I have tried to fight through the unhappy level, but it seems I have lost the battle I morn for something to save me, but the only thing that comes out of that is salted water. People always do what they say they wont, but you cant worry about them, just push them to aside. No one really knows how you feel, because they are not inside you. They will never understand why you dont want to be here. Sometimes people think all the hurt and pain will go away over night. They are wrong; it might not ever go away. Some people think too simple, and dont realize the damage that has been done to you. I get penalized, when I give up something worth something, for something worth nothing. When I look back on it, I was the fool. Its all over now all I have left is dry tears to cry. Quote: Life is but a package given to be unwrapped.

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