Archieve 1

I wonder if someone will notice If I smash my head into the nearest wall.

Probably not. Because of all the noise and the ridiculous amount of people in such tight space. And
probably I will just fall down on the ground and bleed until someone finally notices. And it will be too
late.

I don’t know whats with those llittle silly thoughts while I am trying to have fun but It is always the
same. I try to go out with friends and have fun than in the middle of something a little funny thought
will make its way to my silly little brain and I will suddenly feel the will for having fun rapidly rush out
of me and quickly be replaced with the state of immediate numbness.

Just like today. I decided to go clubbing with my friends and now I am the only one stuck alone at the
table while my friends are next to the stage to hype up the singers with the exception of nikol who
has busied herself with kissing a stranger.

And while I lean of the unstable table that has to carry the weight of all our jackets and purses and
also the bottles and glasses half- full of liquor. I lift my head up, stealing a glance at the people
surrounding me. Plenty of them not gonna lie. A miscellany of creatures with their own story
dancing, drinking and having fun in front of me. The muffled sound of the music was blasting all
those unknown lyrics in my ears and the disgusting alcohol was making my stomach twist in unlikable
ways. Yet it seemed that my eyes and thoughts were racing with each other - will the eyes see more
things or will my mind find more ways to make me not enjoy the night. If I have to be honest I was
excited about tonight, after a long week of exams, going to the club sounded pretty much reasonable
way of relaxing and when we arrived everything was going well until this wave of destructive
thoughts attacked while I was gulping down my third glass of whiskey.

Maybe this is the time I confess that now I get what people mean when they say " alone in a room
full of people" . Disconnected. Call it alienated if you want. But I definitely felt the lack of connection
from the life around me. Yeah, "these are my friends" dancing around the stage with smiles
plastered on their glowing faces and "this is the club of my hometown which I know so well " and
"this is my life" and "this is my body" as if I am trying to constantly remind myself that I am here and
I am not just some timeless floating essence and even those mantras are completely useless and I
don’t seem to find the way back from feeling that everything real around me is actually fake or
maybe I am the error in my own reality.