Any Other Way (Let Go)

by: eternity_moonlight

People tell me that in the end, you live and die alone. In the end, the people you love
will always be the ones you love. But there's nothing you can do to change the fact that
everybody changes. Even the moon shifts its phases constantly. The truth remains that
you end up alone in the end. People do not stay by each others' sides all the time. If that
was true, there would be no divorces, no broken-hearted people, and definitely no sad
kids who watch fragments of relationships that promised forever.

Yet...

I didn't want to believe it, but in the end, I did anyways.

We can't change the end. Our only alternative is mirroring it to match our intentions,
our hopes, and our aspirations. You can dream endlessly of a place called happiness,
but that's only a shock and awe waiting to happen. Someday, sooner or later, we wake
up to reality, and it slaps us coldly in the face.

Eternity was a lie that falls through your fingers like sand.

It was why I didn't understand why she kept trying. The way she kept reaching out for
me as if I could be saved. It was impossible to save someone who had already died in
every aspect.

Yet there she was, reaching out to hold my hand just now, her small fingers
intertwining with mine as if they made everything okay.

"I'm okay because you're with me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If reality could turn back time, I would turn it back to the time I was thirteen, when she
and I were but simple classmates, classmates who had met each for the first time.
Middle school was simple, was joyous, and was jubilant in all colors of innocence
bordering on adulthood. Those were the times when you could laugh at a joke truly
without understanding sometimes its dirty connotation. For most people, at least,
innocence still was alive. Even if I was not innocent, the fact that others were made
middle school a little more bearable.

"Kim Taeyeon, you will be sitting behind Jung Sooyeon," the music teacher Kim
Jaejoong remarked, his bored voice obvious while he arranged the class into
alphabetical order (in terms of the American alphabet) by last name. "Kwon Yuri, you
are behind Kim Taeyeon." Surprisingly, it was the one class where there weren't ten
million other Kims, allowing me to sit between two completely different girls I had
never met before.

The girl in question I sat behind was a brunette. I knew her face from around school.
The brunette in question was friends with my classmates Sooyoung and Hyoyeon,
although I didn't know her on a personal level. Not that there were many people I knew
on a personal level. "Hey, I'm Jessica," the girl said with a smile, offering her hand to me
in an American style greet. Politely, I shook it. I hardly knew her, but I at least knew of
the rumors that preceded her--the dear ice princess that most guys would die to know
on a personal level… the one most girls hated (I heard it had something to do with how
they thought she was a flirt with the boys).

"Taeyeon. Hi."

"That's Yuri," Jessica told me as she pointed to the happy girl behind me. "She can be
loud, but at least you know you won't fall asleep." My eyes raised, but I said nothing
when Jessica turned around again. How anyone could fall asleep in a music class was
beyond me. But who was I to question? I wouldn't know the truth to that. But sure
enough, just as I asked that question to myself, only a few minutes later, while Mr. Kim
was introducing the basics of our class, I saw Jessica fall asleep with her head down on
her arm, deaf and blind to the world.

I had to hand it to her: I had never found anyone who had fallen asleep as quickly and
easily as she did.

It might have been then, that day that I would probably look back on and wonder
whether I had done the right thing in reaching my hand out after the bell had rung to
wake her up.

I hadn't cared, really. She was just another girl, another person in the torrent of people
they called students. She was just another person who happened to sit in front of me.
But I couldn't leave Jessica there all alone, after her friend Yuri gave up on waking her
up, muttering something about how Jessica was hopeless. It was not like I cared, but the
fact was, Jessica and I were the only ones left in the class after Mr. Kim had asked me to
lock up for him. Why? The truth of the matter was, Mr. Kim's younger brother Jaewon
was my best friend, so he trusted me to do it for him. The only thing Jaejoong, as I really
knew him by, had not considered was the fact that Jessica was sleeping and was
extremely difficult to wake up.

So it might have been fate, or just a hand fate dealt me to bring me down underneath its
control, just like so many times before.

"Jessica sshi, please wake up," I called. The girl didn't budge. As if she was in her own
world, the girl was deaf and dead to this world. But that wasn't the reason why I didn't-
-couldn't--wake her up. Before I reached out to nudge her, half-irritated out of my
mind, the sight stopped my hand mid-way in the air. It was that suppressed image of
Jessica crying as she slept that prevented me from intruding on whatever memory that
was making her feel upset.

So lonely and afraid, of whatever it was that tortured the inner cloisters of her mind.

I wondered, if I had just reached out then, waking her up without so much as another
thought, if I would've changed everything that happened. But I didn't. All I did was
draw my hand back, and stare at her for a moment. Jessica had seemed fine earlier,
seemed perfectly normal. But...

Opening my phone, I walked a distance away from Jessica, the keys of the room clasped
in my hand as I dialed a number. "Jaewon, I have to stay back and do something--no,
don't worry. Tell Jaejoong I locked up the room. I'll give the keys to you later so you can
give it to Jaejoong oppa. Go home first..." The voice of my best guy friend, hesitant, yet
understanding came through to my ear, but I wasn't paying attention as I saw Jessica
stir.

"Fine, fine. I'll come over to your house later, so we can play games or something. I
want some of your mom's cooking," Jaewon retorted. "Later, Taeng."

"Later, Jae. Don't get hit by a car," I replied absentmindedly to him as I hung up, much
to his protest, before heading back over to Jessica. Why did I even care? It wasn't like I
knew the girl, must less cared about her. But...

I couldn't leave her crying alone like that.

All I did was silently wait as I began to walk around the room to clean up for Jaejoong.
A long time ago, I remembered faintly, Jaewon and I would come in here and draw
pictures of each other on the board while we waited for Jaejoong to finish and take us
somewhere. Anywhere. Sometimes, this room was my silent escape, away from the
crowd of people, away from the flow of people all around. Jaewon wasn't music-
oriented, at least in classical or orchestral music, so he got more bored in this room than
I ever would. In that sense, this band room became my room. I knew this room well, its
smallest crevices being all too familiar to me. But lots of things had changed since then.

Jaewon and I had grown up.

"T-Taeyeon?" I swung around as I saw Jessica rubbing her eyes. Her eyes stared at me
as I stared back. "I'm sorry, I didn't know class ended. Why didn't you wake me up?"
Jessica said rushed as she wiped away her tears. "Haha, how silly... why am I crying in
my sleep?"

"You can cry. There's nothing wrong with crying," I remarked casually. "It's honest."
Jessica stared at me for a moment as I said that.

"Thanks," Jessica replied softly.

"You're welcome," I replied. "...If...if you need to let anything out, you can tell me. You
know, me, being a complete stranger and all...It's better than keeping it all in."

That, to me, had been simple kindness, and I hadn't thought much of it. But in some
ways, sooner or later, I would see that it had been the start of something. When Jessica's
brown eyes gazed at me, almost curious, yet grateful, and a small smile formed on her
lips with her eyes still moist from her tears, I should have known. Very simple, yet
brief. In some ways, I wished I had chosen to wake her up instead the moment I wanted
to, ignoring all her pains and her hidden emotions. But, that wasn't the way it worked,
was it?

No one really knows the start, and sometimes, the start is just a faint blur compared to
its middle and end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(A few months later)

"I don't see why we have to do this bloody exercise," Sooyoung muttered to me and
Jessica as the two of us watched her, amused by how she was trying to play the cello's
warm-up. The girl was playing foul rhythm, making the notes seem so jagged and
staccato that even Yuri (who was not much better on her viola) had to stare and laugh.
After some convincing from Jessica, Sooyoung had joined orchestra and was often now
mine and Jessica's human TV to watch out of boredom.

"Ah, what would we do without this girl," I commented wryly. Jessica's giggles put a
faint smile on my face.

"Taeyeon ah, do you like anyone?" Jessica asked me curiously out of nowhere. The
question was so surprising, so sudden, that I almost dropped my violin. Jaejoong had
noticed, and his eyes glared at me momentarily, his switch from teacher to older brother
figure fleeting, before he refocused on helping Sooyoung.

"Uh, no," I answered quickly. Jessica's eyes narrowed.

"Is that a denial?" Jessica prodded gently.

"No. It's just... I don't really like anyone," I admitted honestly. "I haven't really liked
anyone in awhile, and I don't find any guys super attractive..."

"Not even Mr. Kim?" Jessica whispered. "Most of the girls in this class thinks he's cute."

"Eww, that's gross," I retorted before I could even cover my mouth. Jessica was
surprised, leaning back as she gazed at me. "I mean... nah, I guess Ja--Mr. Kim is good
looking, but he's not really... that great." I couldn't like someone who was practically my
older brother. That was just plain disgusting, in my opinion. That was like telling me to
like Jaewon, who in his own right was practically my twin brother, in a non-blood-
related way.

"High-standards much?" Jessica teased with a laugh. I shook my head. It was true
though. I suppose there were good looking guys, but I couldn't remember the last time I
actually liked a guy. I think the last person was Jaewon's friend-- his name was Shin
Woo, if I remembered correctly. But then again... I had changed a lot since then.

"Maybe it's because I grew up with boys that I don't really find many guys that
interesting. Either way, I don't really believe in love," I replied absentmindedly. I had let
it slip by accident, that small piece of my soul that no one knew. Jessica's eyes turned
surprised before she gazed at me seriously, yet curiously.
"Why is that? Love's a wonderful thing. I mean... it hurts, but I genuinely like liking
Siwon." I shook my head a little as Jessica brought up the boy she had been telling me
about for the last two months, this boy she hopelessly liked so much. The two were
close, and talked a lot, but there was an inch of difference of attention towards each
other. Jessica liked Siwon more than Siwon did, and that much I could tell even though
half the time I didn't pay attention to her talks about Siwon (usually they were the
same, and so I had my rights to tone it out).

Jessica told me a lot about her life while we were in orchestra. How her sister Krystal
had most of the attention in the house, how Siwon always took care of her, how she
wishes she could be as pretty as Olivia Hussey in Romeo and Juliet. Sometimes, Jessica
would be sad over something Siwon had said to her; other days, she would be happy
for hours over some compliment he gave. Jessica was about as true a girl I had ever met,
flippantly jubilant and sad in the appropriate moments. After that day we first met, it
seemed Jessica had endlessly opened herself to me, skipping past the shy phase most
people had when they met new people. Maybe it was because I had already seen her
crying. I don’t know. Why she found me trustworthy was beyond me.

It was true that Jessica talked to Yuri and Sooyoung far more than she did to me. That
small time of a class period that Jessica and I shared as stand partners was almost
irrelevant to the time she spent with her friends outside of class, yet I had learned about
as much about Jessica she seemed to let onto her friends. Jessica, in some ways, was
honest beyond my comprehension, honest moreso than her ice princess façade allowed
her to be with others. It was one reason why I simply let her talk about whatever she
wanted to when she was with me.

I was but a stranger, after all.

"I'm just kidding," I lied. "I'm just not interested in dating and all that stuff." I knew, for
some reason then, that that frown on Jessica's lips marked her disbelief in what I had
just said. But that was the price for giving a part of my soul away unintentionally to
someone. The more someone knows you, the more they have of your soul to do with. I
had learned that the hard way, years ago.

The bell rang then, and I was relieved to put my violin away. I had to leave, before
Jessica could talk more to me about it. For some reason, Jessica always tried to learn
more about me after she told me so many things about herself, and I felt strangely open
now that it was the other way around. For starters, I didn’t even know what to say
about myself.
If opening your heart to a person was so easy, we’d all be wearing our hearts on our
sleeves.

"Taeng!" I turned, and there was relief shooting through my body as I saw Jaewon
standing in the doorway of our classroom. People were surprised as they saw Jaewon
and I, for it was not normal to see one of the most popular boys of the school talking to
a girl who was fairly normal and kept to herself mostly. "Taeng, come on, you and I are
getting Korean BBQ today, so hurry, chop, chop! I want to go before I have to bring
Jaejoong hyung along too."

"That's Mr. Kim to you," Jaejoong stated coldly to his younger brother as he passed by.
"How are you two getting home later?"

"Bus," I replied before Jaewon could. I paused momentarily, before glaring at Jaewon.
"You did bring our bus passes, right?" Jaewon threw his hands up.

"Yes, ma'am, sheesh. Don't trust me to be responsible then."

"You forgot my wallet at the mall last time, so excuse me for not trusting you to be
responsible," I retorted out of our usual banter. I could see out of the corner of my eyes
Jessica's eyes turning surprised, curious, and somewhat confused as she listened to our
conversation. And for a moment, I also saw a sense of hurt in her thought. I knew that
she probably thought that I had lied to her and was going out with Jaewon. Somehow,
people always had that misconception with me and Jaewon. But...

I was grateful for the fact that I probably wouldn't have to explain who I was to Jessica
when she saw me with Jaewon.

"I came back for it," Jaewon replied defensively. "Besides--"

"Will you two annoying peeps get out of my classroom?! You're giving me a headache! I
thought it was bad when you two were five, and it sure isn't any better now!" snorted
Jaejoong. "Taeyeon, get Jaewon home at a decent time, will you?"

"Yes Ja-- Mr. Kim." I forgot as I realized everyone was staring at us. Jaejoong and
Jaewon seemed to have noticed the strange awkwardness we had brought up by talking
to each other as if we were at their house, like normal kids who had grown up together.
"..."
"Let's go, Taengoo," Jaewon murmured to me, picking up my violin case before I could
protest. "Mr. Kim has class to attend to." I nodded, glancing momentarily at Jaejoong
before my eyes shifted over to Jessica and her friends. Sooyoung’s and Yuri’s dropped
jaws clarified their clear disbelief. But it was truly Jessica’s guarded gaze that
permeated my inner mind as I turned away. There was this sense of lost connection
across the classroom as I left the class.

I wish I didn't know Jessica so well, because when I left I could tell Jessica was plain
confused and hurt.

When I was younger, someone once told me that I let myself get hurt because I tried to
understand others too much. That's a lie.

I hadn't wanted to get closer to Jessica. It just happened. I didn't want to know that
someone else was hurting. I just knew. I didn't want to care about others, but in the end,
I did anyway. Even when I didn't want to care, I had.

That's why a part of me died that day years ago.

That's why forever is but a simple lie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(A Month Later)

"Pink."

"What the hell?"

"Pink."

"PINK!?"

".....Fine, blue." Jaewon sighed in relief as I switched my choice in color.

"I was shocked for a moment, and I was thinking... No, I've lost my best friend!" I rolled
my eyes at the comment. The two of us were at a local boba shop, waiting for our
drinks, while we chose our straw colors. Somehow, in our boredom, the two of us
always tended to do that. It was late at night, but it didn't seem to matter, since it was a
Saturday. As usual, I told my mom that was I over at Jaewon's house, and Jaewon lied
to his parents that he was over at mine, and the two of us successfully snuck out to the
local boba joint. Not that it really mattered, even if our parents found out. The two of us
never really got into trouble when we were together.

Besides, my parents had to be understanding if I didn't want to be home at the moment.

I kept Jaewon level-headed and played the logical one, while Jaewon was the more
outspoken of us two and could protect me if anything happened. It was very normal, in
fact, for the both of us to be spending time at night together, in our best friend and twin
way. So I hadn't been paying attention at all when Jaewon had been telling me about a
new game that had come out when the door opened and a small group of girls had
come in. I hadn't even noticed they were my classmates as Jaewon left the table we were
sitting at to get our drinks from the counter. I had been staring at nothing, thinking of
nothing (because sometimes it was easier than thinking of something, and allowing
ourselves to get hurt), and letting my mind wander into the store's music.

Sometimes, I wished all of me could disappear and fade into the notes of that song.

"Taeyeon?"

When I looked up from my empty gaze out the window, I saw Jessica gazing at me,
happy to see me, yet worried all the same. I had that skill you know, that I wish I didn't
have. To be able to read her emotions... it wasn't something that I wanted, but I had
been given it anyways, even underneath her ice princess face. "Jessica. Hi," I replied
oddly. For some reason, meeting Jessica at night, with the side of me that was
wandering aimlessly in the dark, seemed too open to my liking.

"What are you doing here? Are you here alone?" Jessica asked as she sat down in the
seat Jaewon had just been in. As she asked that though, her eyes noticed Jaewon
grabbing our drinks in the distance. "Oh. You and Jaewon are really close huh?"

"... Yeah, he's my best friend," I answered as I looked away. I didn't really know how to
explain Jaewon and I to outside people, and the way Jessica was gazing at me didn't
really help. I didn't like, at all, how it seemed like her eyes could see straight through
me. "What are you doing here?"

"Sooyoung, Yuri, Yoona, Hyoyeon, and I thought it would be nice to go out for some
drinks after playing Monopoly for so long at Sooyoung's house. Remember? I offered
for you to come earlier but you mentioned you had something to do, so... funny how we
bump into each other," Jessica said with a smile as Jaewon approached us again. "Hello
Jaewon sshi."

"Uh... hi," Jaewon remarked. "Nice to meet you." I almost kicked him, knowing straight
off the bat that Jaewon had no idea who Jessica was, despite probably having crashed
unannounced into my sixth period countless times already to see me and his brother.

"Jung Jessica," I told him. "She's a classmate of mine." When the word 'classmate' came
out of my lips, I saw the frown that formed on Jessica's face. "Jessica, please meet Kim
Jaewon."

"Oh. Nice to meet a friend of Taeyeon's," Jaewon said with a split grin as he shook
Jessica's hand. I almost dropped the drink Jaewon handed me as he took the chair next
to me. Friend? I shot him a glare, but Jaewon, much to his obliviousness (feigned or not,
I didn't know), only grinned at Jessica. Jessica and I weren't friends. Friends meant we
knew each other, meant that she had to know me beyond what I was at school, meant
that she knew some of my secrets--how could we be friends?

"Nice to meet Taeyeon's best friend too," Jessica replied with a small laugh. Jaewon
smiled.

I will never deny that I have the best guy friend a girl can ask for sometimes, but
honestly... sometimes, there were times in my life where I wanted to take something
and keep whacking Jaewon with it.

"So, what are you two doing here?" Jessica asked as she watched me hand Jaewon his
green straw and take my blue one out of its wrapper. Her brown eyes were gazing
straight into my eyes again, and I hated it. It's not like I was shy--I was Kim Taeyeon,
after all, one of the loudest girls in my class if you gave me a chance to be hyper. But...

Sometimes it scared me to see how far Jessica really looked underneath everything else.

"Wandering the nightlife," Jaewon answered simply for the both of us. When Jessica's
eyebrows shot up strangely at our reply, I couldn't help but laugh a little. Laugh a little
coldly, not that Jaewon could tell (even if he's my best friend, some lines are drawn
where we go into each other's souls). But I should've known then, when Jessica's eyes
narrowed.

"Nighttime in the city is fun," I said with a smile as I nudged Jaewon.

That was a half a lie, half a truth. Night was fun, only because it kept the thoughts
away. By the time night came around, I was too tired to think.

"Duh. You always drag me out to go with you."

"And you always want me to. You get bored at home by yourself. If I didn't take you
anywhere, you would be a loner playing Starcraft," I retorted. Jaewon rolled his eyes as
Jessica laughed.

"You can't sleep," Jaewon retorted. I stopped laughing then, and Jaewon knew he had
overstepped the line as he laughed nervously. "You're such a night bird," Jaewon
covered quickly, almost smoothly. But I knew, as Jessica's smile had disappeared, that
she had noticed. It was getting too close for comfort, and I felt like I was going to break
down if Jessica stepped any closer. Jaewon was one thing, because he had been through
half of everything with me, and in spite of us knowing each other so well, we left each
other alone well enough.

But...

"Oi! Sica! You getting boba or not?!" Sooyoung yelled from the counter. Jessica broke
out of her reverie as she was gazing at me, her dark eyes thinking, most likely trying to
comprehend what it was that I couldn't say. What I chose to not say, what I chose to not
show her... It was hopeless.

"Bye. I guess.. I'll get going. Hey... if you guys want to join us, we have room for more.
You can be the boat or the dog in Monopoly," Jessica offered. Jaewon's face brightened
immediately, but I stopped it before his imagination of playing Monopoly with girls
besides me could get carried away.

"Thanks, but no thanks. Jaewon and I should be getting home soon," I replied politely.
"...I'll see you at school, Jessica." Jessica hesitated as Jaewon's expression clearly
dropped at my reply, though he quickly recovered when I offered him the rest of my
drink. I no longer had an appetite, and if it would help keep him from being so obvious,
I would give up my drink.

"Bye Taengoo ah," Jessica called before she walked off to join her friends again. Jaewon
was bemused as he watched me, his idiotic expression dropped away as I got up.

"I didn't realize someone else called you Taengoo besides me or Jaejoong." I shot him a
look as he walked in step besides me out in the dark.
"Well, now you know."

"You don't want to go home, I know that, but how come you didn't choose to go hang
out with her?"

"Because...I feel like going home."

Jaewon sighed as our feet made the only sounds you could hear in the darkness of the
dim-lit Seoul street we were walking through.

"I'm glad you made a friend out of this Jessica girl."

"...What do you mean by that?" I asked Jaewon suspiciously. Jaewon shrugged.

"She is your friend. To just call her a classmate doesn't seem right. You let her call you
Taengoo, and nobody does that except for the people who know you best. And she
cares, Taeyeon. I think that's the kind of friend I want you to have," Jaewon told me. I
could only roll my eyes. This was starting to turn out to be like a lecture.

"What are you, my father?" I snapped.

"No, your best friend," Jaewon retorted. "Sorry for caring Taeyeon. So sorry, sheesh.
Don't have to get so offensive."

"Yeah, you should be sorry for caring," I snapped again. Jaewon stared frustrated at me,
finally fed up with me. But a sigh fixed the anger, as we both calmed down. Being best
friends, it was our advantage. Even if we got angry at each other, we got over it quickly.
We walked in silence for a few more minutes, before Jaewon spoke up again, no longer
angry.

"That Jessica girl... she kind of reminds me of you." I frowned.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because she tries so hard to be there for you. Because she cares, even if she seems like
she doesn't." I didn't reply. I didn't see at all how Jaewon had drawn that connection
from me to Jessica. I was far from that. Jaewon should've known better than anyone else
how apathetic I was.

It was for that reason after all I had chosen not to go. What Jessica was searching for,
trying to understand me, there was nothing there. I had no complete image to form.
There was nothing to care for... A broken mess couldn't be helped. That was truth.
Opening the door, to my front door, absentmindedly waving good night to Jaewon, I
walked inside.

Somewhere, in that dark hallway, the echoing voices of a fight whispered, like tears
from a girl falling. I could hear my brother argue with my dad, and I said nothing. I
took a moment, breathed, and walked in. There was no more time for idiosyncrasies.
Now it was time to relax into a perfect cover, so that no one... no one at all, could see
that shattered glass underneath.

"Oh, you're home?" my mom asked, my appearance a sudden break with light into the
darkness of chaos. "Umm..." I said nothing as I saw my brother walk away. It had been
this way, for awhile now.

"Good night, Mom. Dad," I murmured. "I'm going to go study with Jaewon tomorrow
morning... so, I'm going to sleep now." Walking away, the hushed whispers that I
wasn't supposed to hear resumed. Blindly, I pretended to be ignorant. I wished I could
be. Ignorant to the world, so that when it was time for me to feel something, I felt
nothing, felt ignorance beyond bliss that allowed me to accept everything blindly.

"Aren't you happy with giving? Someday, when you give enough, be selfless enough...
there will be someone no matter what, who will give to you endlessly too."

Pathetic lies. When I closed the room door behind me, I sat at my window seat, gazing
out, trying not to remember and trying to not hear anything outside my door.

It was perfection, I lied.

"See this ring? It's a promise... It's our promise to find caves behind waterfalls.. We're going to
be okay, no matter what, just you and I."

I felt sick as the memories came rushing back like tiny whispers, so much that I closed
my eyes and tried to imagine nothing. It didn't take long though as I felt her whispers
overtaking me again, and her image waking me up.

"I wonder, Taeyeon... I wonder what it would be like to die. If you and I die, would we still be
friends in our afterlife?"

Jaewon's words had more truth than I had realized then. I hadn't understood then what
it was Jessica was trying for, what it was she wanted by trying to stay with me. It wasn't
any concept. Jaewon and I were practically family, so it was different, but Jessica? Why?

I will never know completely why then, and now. But I should've truly realized it then.

Realized, irrevocably, that Jessica cared about me, even when I myself, couldn't.

Because forever should have been a lie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(A Month Later or So)

"I'm hungry," Sooyoung grumbled for what seemed like the millionth time to Jessica,
Yuri, Yoona, and I as the five of us were outside the performance hall. Today was the
orchestral festival hosted at a local university performance hall. Jaejoong had managed
to get our orchestra a spot in the prestigious line up, through a social network of
musical colleagues I knew he had established throughout his years of musical studies.
Yoona, the first chair violinist of our orchestra, sighed. I could tell, just like Jessica and
Yuri, that Yoona wanted to shirk her responsibility of keeping the orchestra in order to
just run off with Sooyoung and eat at the McDonald's across the street. For all that she
was the first chair for her skill, Yoona was actually one of the youngest students in our
orchestra.

"When are you not hungry?" Yuri retorted. Sooyoung glared at her friend as I smiled.
But it was true. I normally wasn't hungry (okay, maybe I was, but that was usually for
jelly or cookies), but I had to agree. Most of us, if not all, had gone to the performance
hall without eating lunch, after getting a call to meet up earlier than we had expected.

"Umma, do you have any food?" Yoona whined to me. I blinked. What?

"Yes, umma, do you have any food in that magical bag of yours?" Sooyoung began
whining. Jessica began laughing at my incredulous face while Yuri rolled her eyes.

"How am I your umma?" I managed to reply as a million thoughts shot through my

head, one not being the least that went something like "How is my daughter taller than
me?" Sooyoung and Yoona cracked up as they saw my face, and Yuri suddenly yanked
my purse away from my side before I could react and placed it on the table we were
sitting around. I glared at the girl, but Jessica stopped my hands, laughing as the girls
opened my bag.
"Taeyeon, did you know? There's so much you could learn about someone from their bag."

Whispers that I didn't want to hear...

"You always have food in your bag, or so I've noticed," Yuri piped up. "You're just like
an ahjumma. See, here, jelly!" I grabbed my precious jelly away from her and reached
for my bag, but Sooyoung pulled the bag away.

"Yah, that's my food--and bag!" I protested, but Sooyoung managed to grab a jelly
candy for herself and Yoona.

"We're hungry," Sooyoung declared, as if it rationalized her action.

"Yeah, hungry," Yoona added.

"These are my emergency rations!" I retorted as I managed to grab the jelly away from
them before they could open it. Since when had it been so easy for these girls to get to
me?

"This is an emergency!" Sooyoung snapped back. "I'm dying here. I'm dying because I'm
so hungry! This requires an emergency! Do you want me to starve and faint on stage
because my cello is so heavy--"

"You'll survive," Jessica cut in, rolling her eyes. "Leave Taengoo's emergency rations
alone." There it was again. Since when had Jessica started calling me Taengoo anyways?

"You're always on Taeyeon's side," grumbled Sooyoung while Yuri pulled out my
wallet. "If I die, my epitaph will read something like 'Sooyoung died not only of
starvation but murder on parts of her so called friends when they refused to feed her.'"
What she said though didn't really hit me as I reached immediately for my wallet, but
Yuri ducked away, hanging onto my wallet seriously.

(How much further could they see into me than they already had?)

"Are you hiding something, Taeyeonnie?" Yuri teased. I said nothing, but I felt myself
growing extremely uncomfortable again.

"Pictures say a lot about someone... especially the ones you keep close to you. That's why, if they
ever found me dead, they would find in my wallet a picture of you and me, because we're best
friends like that."

"Stop it," I whispered. I had been saying it more to the whispers, but Jessica must have
noticed me turning pale and trembling, because she reached out for the wallet too. I saw
it when Jessica's eyes met mine briefly before she reached out. But it was too late.

Yuri laughed when she opened the wallet to see a picture of me and Jaewon when we
were younger in front of a statue. "Oh, how cute! You and Jaewon have been friends for
a long time, huh?" Sooyoung and Yoona crowded around, and Jessica, despite
hesitantly glancing at me, took a look for herself. How embarrassing, I thought to
myself. In the picture, you could clearly see my cheeky grin when my teeth were still
slightly crooked and Jaewon's lopsided haircuts as a kid.

"Yeah, close," I smiled faintly, thinking to myself all the times we had gotten in trouble
with one another. "Come on, you're done looking," I said quickly as I held my hand out.
Yuri stared suspiciously at me.

"Why are you so intent on getting this back? Too short!" Yuri said with a laugh as she
held the wallet out of my reach. I began cursing my short height internally, but at the
same time, my mind couldn't think straight. They couldn't see, I repeated to myself over
and over.

I would not be able to explain if they asked me.

"Stop it!" I yelled as I tried to reach for the wallet. The shout surprised Yuri, making her
topple backwards over her bench. I froze as I saw Yuri fall back into a girl from a
different school walking by with her group of friends. Immediately, all four of us got up
to help the two girls on the ground groaning in pain.

"Ow..." the girl underneath Yuri groaned. Yuri got up, moving over so the girl could sit
up, but I wasn't paying attention as I noticed my wallet lying forgotten on the ground
nearby. My mind toned out what was going on, as Yuri apologized to the girl. Even
when I had noticed Sooyoung and Yoona staring at the stranger's younger friend pale
friend, my mind wasn't focused. Even though I didn't have 20/20 vision, I could see
clearly what my wallet photos had flipped to.

"Taeyeon?" Jessica's voice broke me out of my empty thoughts as she walked over to my
wallet. I was immobile when Jessica looked down at the wallet, clearly seeing the photo
that I kept hidden. Her eyes were not questioning me, but rather curious and worried as
she bent down and picked up my wallet. "Umm... are you okay, Taengoo?" Jessica's
voice asked softly as she stared at the curious picture one more time before closing it
and handing it to me. For a long moment, I saw Jessica's eyes just casually gaze into
mine. I didn't know how long we stood like that, just staring, trying to understand
silently what I couldn't voice aloud.

"TaeTae?" my body froze at the name, before swinging around to see someone I hadn't
seem for a good year or more. I hadn't been really paying attention to who Yuri had
fallen onto, due to my distraction in my wallet and hiding the picture. My lips parted,
about to say something before the girl half-tackled me and I winced in spite of all my
good control.

"Yah, Tippany, you're killing me," I retorted as Hwang Tiffany hugged me for a long
time. "Seohyun ah, can you please get her off of me?" I asked the tall pale girl standing
there, smiling from head to toe as she saw me. Her pretty smile however, only made
Yoona and Sooyoung stare at her more... if that was even possible.

"Unnie!" Seohyun yelled as she threw her arms around both me and Tiffany. I groaned.
Since when had Seohyun been prone to hugging people so much as well? Clearly
Tiffany had been influencing her. The fact that she was willing to get more touchy with
her unnies normally would have at least somewhat made me glad in the past... but it
wasn't really helping when I wanted to run away and stay away from the curious eyes
of everyone around me. Even in my deep hug with these two girls, my eyes made
contact with Jessica's dark ones, who watched me with no expression on her face.

"I haven't seen you in a year since--" Tiffany began, and I knew she would bring it up.
Automatically my hand rose to cover her mouth, and exchanged a dark glance with her.
I wasn't sure if Tiffany had understood me at all, but the girl seemed to get the basic gist
of it as she simply smiled at me with her eye-smiles despite my hand over her mouth.

"Tiffany unnie cried for a month after you left our school," Seohyun murmured. "When
you left and never kept in touch with any of us, even changing your phone number, we
didn't know how to find you--"

"I had to move," I replied, looking up at my current classmates to see them peer at me
curiously. I was known for being detached, even if I was their little kid leader-- how am
I a kid anyways? "Ummm... well, yeah, you know, after all that happened, I had to
leave," I murmured even quieter, in hopes that it was only Tiffany and Seohyun who
heard. Of course though... Jessica too had heard, and I saw her eyes narrow.

"I understand!" Tiffany announced proudly. "But I'm still mad at you. How dare you
not stay in touch with your one and only wife, Kim Taeyeon!?" Everybody's jaws
dropped and I nearly slapped myself as I tried to avoid looking at Jessica. This situation
in itself looked bad. It was true I didn't like any guy, but I didn't want Jessica to think I
was abnormal either because of Tiffany.

Though at one point... maybe I might have liked Tiffany. But that was a fleeting
thought, that was an eternity ago, and I could hardly remember what it was felt back
then.

I could barely remember who I was back then as it was.

"Is everything alright here?" Jaejoong's voice broke into the crowded mess, and I broke
my gaze with Jessica there as I clutched onto the wallet tightly. "What happened?"
Tiffany and Seohyun let go of me then before bowing respectfully to Jaejoong. I didn't
look at Jaejoong, though I knew what kind of face he would be carefully be making at
me, gauging how I felt about seeing people from my past. I knew Jaejoong would
recognize them from all the photos he and Jaewon had helped me pack away before I
had moved to my new house.

"Yuri just fell over because she was trying to keep Taeyeon's wallet away from her.
Taeyeon kind of shouted and scared Yuri, so she fell over," Yoona answered dutifully,
though her eyes were still peeking glances at the pretty girl from the other school.
Seohyun was embarrassed with all the sudden stares from Yoona and Sooyoung. Yuri
wasn't much better though. Yuri was clearly attracted to Tiffany, and was trying to flirt,
though her smoothness made her crush somewhat less obvious. Just somewhat.

"Her wallet?"

"Yeah, her wallet, right there," Sooyoung pointed at my brown worn wallet. Jaejoong
gazed at me levelly, and when my eyes turned away from his, I knew that he had
already figured out what had really happened on my part.

"I'm okay though, so please don't blame Taeyeonnie or--uhh, the dark chocolate girl."
Yuri's jaw dropped while everyone else stifled a giggle, except for Jessica and me. The
two of us were too busy trying to read each other's emotions, or so it seemed to me.

"Kwon Yuri, thank you," Yuri replied through clenched teeth.

"Dark chocolate's a compliment from me," Tiffany replied innocently, unaware of Yuri's
hurt feelings. "What's wrong with dark chocolate? I like it, though Taeyeon hates it." I
blinked. Why was I being brought into this? Yuri's face however was surprised before
turning a flushed and delighted pink.

"Mm," was all Yuri replied.

"Unnie, we have to go back... Changmin oppa is calling us back for our rehearsal
period," Seohyun murmured, still hesitant as she saw Yoona and Sooyoung
continuously ogling her. Tiffany sighed, before poking me.

"Phone number, right now Kim Taeyeon. I'm not leaving unless you give it to me and
we catch up what's been happening with you for this past year." I didn't move. It was
not that I didn't want to see and talk to Tiffany or Seohyun anymore, but rather I didn't
want to have to explain at all what I had been like for the past year. I didn't want to
explain what everyone wondered. I didn't want to explain that I had no idea how to
explain how I felt.

"I can give you her phone number," Yuri volunteered excitedly. I raised my eyebrows
suspiciously.

"Since when do you have Taeyeon's phone number?" Jessica asked surprised this time,
all of us turning to stare at her suspiciously. Yuri blinked, before shrinking back,
pretending to whistle.

"Okay... so I might have asked Jaewon a few days ago when we were in English class..."
I almost felt myself explode in fits of anger then and there while Jessica glared at Yuri.
Stupid Jaewon, why the hell does he--

"Well, give it to me later then, Yuri ah. I'll see you after the performance, since Taeyeon
refuses." I said nothing, sighing as Tiffany hugged me quickly before running of with
Seohyun. Like a trio of hopeless girls, Yuri, Sooyoung, and Yoona all sighed as they
watched the pair run off. Jaejoong watched as well, though I knew his black eyes were
focused on me, carefully guessing how I felt inside.

He had no idea, I thought.

"It was all an accident though," Jessica spoke up. When I glanced at her, I noticed Jessica
staring at Jaejoong carefully. She had noticed, I realized. She noticed that Jaejoong was
being careful with me.

"Yes, indeed. Umm..." Jaejoong's voice was hesitant, elusively trying to grasp the right
way to begin what he wanted to say to me. I knew it was because of me that he tried to
be careful. "Taeyeonnie," he started, as if we were at home, "I know it's hasn't exactly
been the best year but--"

"Mr. Kim... if you don't mind, I'm going to the restroom," I spoke quietly, interrupting
him. Jaejoong scratched his head, hesitant, but he nodded.

"Go ahead, but Taeyeonnie... You know you're not supposed to have that. Jaewon and I
established this rule for you, remember?" Jaejoong told me bluntly. I stared back at him
defiantly then, and Jaejoong sighed. "Go, hurry, before we have to go on stage." Jessica's
eyes pored into the back of my head as I was walking away again, and I could feel it,
this sense that she was reaching farther and farther underneath the surface that I had
shown.

"...Oppa," I called as I turned around. Jaejoong turned, surprised. Jaejoong and I and
Jaewon took care not to address each other with our at home nicknames, but sometimes
it still slipped out in the appropriate occasions, such as this. "Oppa, we're all hungry, so
after our performance, I think we should go to McDonald's before going home."
Jaejoong's eyes narrowed, but I saw a faint smile.

"Yeah, I'll treat you all out." Cheers erupted from the class.

"Hurray for our umma!" Sooyoung and Yoona yelled as the began high-fiving each
other. I laughed to myself, and saw many beams of smiles aimed at me. After a few
seconds however, the attention turned away from me as they chattered to each other
about the two girls from the other school and food. That was when I turned to walk
away again, before anybody could pay attention to me. A clean escape, I thought wryly.
Later I would most likely get a scolding from Jaewon and Jaejoong for still carrying the
picture around, but I didn't know how to explain that either. For all that Jaewon and I
were best friends, I didn't know how to explain it to him.

Any of it.

"Taeyeon, wait!" I almost fell over when Jessica's body rammed into mine at the door of
the university building. The brunette had been running hard to catch up to me, and I
had stopped too abruptly, resulting in our collision course. "Ow," Jessica said with a
laugh as I rubbed my left arm, being that my left side she had rammed into. "Haha,
sorry about that, Taengoo."

"My arm," I complained in spite of myself. "If I fail playing violin later, I'm blaming
you." Jessica suddenly punched my left arm, causing me to yelp. "Yah!" I retorted. "I
was kidding!" Jessica's eyes looked relieved, but still suspicious as I held open the door
for her to walk in the building. "Did you need to go to the restroom too?"

"Yeah. I thought I should keep you company, since you shouldn't be alone, you know?"
Jessica said with a faint smile. "Plus, I rather not stay and watch Sooyoung and Yoona
ogle poor Seohyun sshi."

"Hmm," was all I replied. A part of me felt like telling Jessica then and there that I
would've preferred being all alone, that I would be okay by myself, but I had this
feeling Jessica still would've gone even if I had told her. The double meaning of those
words also hit too close to home for me. It was like Jessica was a rope, reaching, and
trying to give me a way to pull myself out the water I was drowning in. But... I was
going to be okay. Why wasn't I okay?

"So, Tiffany and Seohyun... they were your friends back then?" Jessica asked me. I
nodded, walking in the silence of the university hall. It was strange, wasn't it? How the
world of school, where it used to be constricted to small hallways and small classrooms
suddenly became such a big performance hall like this. It made me wonder... was there
so much more out there than my past that refused to let me go? I wanted desperately to
believe so, but... "They're sweet friends."

"Yeah... though I left without a word last year." I didn't know why I chose to say it. I
expected it, to hear Jessica ask me why, but instead she simply smiled.

"I see."

I didn't know how to answer. But I found it easy to say as I blurted out "I'm a terrible
friend, really." Jessica laughed, as she tugged on my arm and began running down the
hall.

"Yes, you are sometimes, but when it gets down to the harshest moments, you're there...
and that's what matters. You were there for me when I cried... and I..." Jessica trailed off
then as she and I stopped before an open doorway. We stared at the open space of the
actual auditorium, a light blanketing the stage where many chairs sat and a grand piano
at its side. As if we were both drawn magically to the sight, we both began walking
down the aisle, even though we knew we weren't supposed to.

I knew already then that I was lying to everyone and lying to myself, but I kept
repeating... praying... that I was a broken mess no one could comprehend.
I probably should've known then that Jessica had jumped in to try and save me without
truly comprehending. It was like a long silence of soul-searching. In that silence, one
truly begins to see deeper and deeper into themselves. However.... I hadn't expected
that in such a silence, there would be someone reaching out to find my soul, when I
myself couldn't even find it.

I hadn't expected Jessica to continue trying.

I probably should have known then, when I later realized it was the first time someone
had not asked me who the girl I had been hanging onto so tightly in the picture was,
that Jessica was waiting to understand me. But I hadn't. If I had noticed, I probably too
would have noticed those silent words Jessica expressed to me when she and I stopped
before the stage to just stare at the piano, intrigued yet feeling foolish.

You're not alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Last day of school in middle school)

When it came time for my middle school graduation, I hadn't been paying attention. For
some reason, our middle school that year had asked the high school nearby, which
practically all the students would be attending next year, to let us have our eighth grade
commencement there. It was for that fact that I was standing on the street next to the
high school, staring at an old faded blue apartment.

It was not like I hadn't seen the apartment before, but...

"Taeyeon! You're here! Thank goodness. I have no idea where we're supposed to go
from here and--" I turned startled when Jessica's high-pitched voice suddenly
interrupted my blank stare. I don't tend to be startled easily, and that I can admit for a
fact, so Jessica paused when she saw me jump. "Something wrong?" Jessica asked as she
followed my line of gaze to the blue apartments.

"Uh, no. You just startled me.... Um anyhow, the entrance is over there, where the rest
of the people are," I covered quickly. "The principal's just organizing everything, but
we're supposed to line up soon." Jessica's dark eyes peered into mine again, like a
looking glass that reflected some curiosity.
"Why are you so depressing?" she said with a laugh, as her arm suddenly slipped
through mine, and pulled me along. "You keep thinking to yourself, but you never say
what you're thinking." I almost tripped at the sudden movement, but I couldn't say
anything when Jessica smiled simply at me. I couldn't even pull my arm away, though
the touch was alien to me. Or had become alien, more like. Jaewon and I, for all that we
were best friends, never exactly walked like this.

"What am I supposed to say?" I scoffed at Jessica, but suddenly Jessica's head gently
bumped against mine, an affectionate motion that left me bewildered.

"You were the one who told me... that it's better to let it out than keep it all in. You were
the one who told me that it was okay to cry. Why isn't it okay for you?" I felt myself
freeze when her warm fingers slipped down my arm and gently took mine. "I mean... if
you need to let anything out, you can tell me." Warmth seeped through her fingertips,
something that made suddenly feel strangely uncomfortable, like Jessica had seen far
too much of what I couldn't explain. I felt numb, completely, except for that small touch
from Jessica.

How was I supposed to explain? How could anybody explain who I was when I didn't
even know anymore? How was I supposed to explain that I was drowning, suffocating,
and not even feeling alive? How was I supposed to explain anything? How could I ever
explain her, when she explained so much of me?

"Taeyeonnie?"

I blinked as I saw a pale pretty girl in front of Jessica and I. "Yeon Hee..." I whispered,
my face completely blanched as the girl smiled prettily at me. My expression did not go
unnoticed by Jessica though, and I could see it out of the corner of my eyes.

"Jaewon called me yesterday night to say that it was your guys' middle school
commencement, so I thought I would drop by, as support. I'm sure Boa would've
wanted it that way, after all, since she would've attended it if she could." I dropped
Jessica's hand then, strangely calm again after smiling civilly back to Yeon Hee. Even
after a year, Yeon Hee was prettier. It was well known to Jaejoong and me that Jaewon
had a crush on her, for all that she was a year our senior. I smiled widely as I hugged
Yeon Hee, but I could still feel it when Jessica's eyes stared at me.

How I wished Jessica's eyes didn't see straight through me and tried to understand past
what I wanted her to see. How I wished Jessica didn't see that I wasn't okay.
"Thank you for coming, unnie. Jaewon and Jaejoong oppa would be really happy to see
you."

"Uh huh. Like I said, Boa would've wanted--" Yeon Hee stopped as she saw me turn
away at the mention of her name. There was a slight silence, and again I could see
Jessica's eyes watching me carefully. "... Taeyeon, I thought--"

"Excuse me, I'm sorry," Jessica cut in, as she suddenly took hold of my hand. "The two
of us have to be getting to our spots for the commencement now. Nice meeting you,
Yeon Hee sunbaenim." Yeon Hee was stunned, unable to say nothing as Jessica dragged
me away without letting me so much as say bye or anything.

I stared ahead, watching as Jessica's hand held tightly onto mine, just pulling me,
leading me as if I was a little child who would get lost. As if I was lost and then found.

Jessica said nothing to me, only smiling and holding on without letting go, but I found
it to be more than enough. I felt it then, what she was saying to me without any words. I
felt like a little child again, unsure of what to say.

"Taengoo, can I have your cell number? That way, we can meet up over the summer,
maybe watch some movies or you know... just talk. Or listen. Whichever one we need at
the moment," Jessica said as she kept walking (leading). When I didn't answer, she
spoke up again. "Taengoo, Taengoo, I'm glad I made a friend like you over this year."

For the first time in a long time, I felt a genuine smile on my lips, despite my hesitance.

Even though Jessica never voiced it, and all I could do was begin laughing like an
ahjumma all over again when we both walked into our commencement to realize that it
had already begun, I could feel her saying it.

I'm here if you need to say anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Months later, Summer between middle school and high school)

"No."

"Yes."
"NO."

"YES.

I stared exasperated at Jaewon as he was standing at the foot of my bed in simply

nothing but shorts. One downside of being his best friend was that he treated me like a
brother and didn't mind his manners enough to dress decently in front of me after he
had slept over at my house. Another downside was he went in and out of my room as
he pleased, even in the morning of a summer's day when I was sleeping in.

"Come on, I know Jessica's been asking you to go watch a movie with her for the past
few days. Wake up and go with her. Why would you say no!? You're a terrible friend." I
glared at him as I covered my head with a pillow. It was way too early to be arguing
with him about Jessica when we had been doing this for the last few days.

"Why is it your business when a friend of mine asks me to go to the movies?" I retorted
at my idiotic best friend as he sat down in my desk's spinning chair.

"Aha! So you admit she's your friend!" I closed my eyes, trying viciously not to give into
my urge of throwing a pillow at him. How did this guy become my best friend?

"Haven't we already established this?" I retorted annoyed. "At this rate, I'm demoting
you from best friend to a simple weirdo neighbor."

"Hey, hey, it's cool to be my neighbor," Jaewon protested. "Besides, you and I weren't
always neighbors." I opened my eyes then, and blinked. Jaewon stared back at me, and I
knew what he getting at now. It was his ability for being able to deal patiently with me
that had become one of the main reasons why my parents had moved here a year ago.

"I know." Jaewon sighed as he leaned towards me, lowering his eye level to mine, a sign
that he wanted me to pay attention seriously and take all that he said then to heart.

"You haven't really gone out or spent time with others since the incident last year. You
haven't tried to make friends or anything. I've noticed, Taeyeon. But this? Jessica's a
good friend. Jessica has been a really good friend to you, even though she knows
nothing."

"I know, stupid," I murmured. Jaewon smiled, but I saw the trace of sadness in his eyes.
It was always those eyes, from last year, saying everything and reminding me of what I
didn't want to remember.

"You used to smile a lot and then be a dork. I kinda miss that Taengoo friend of mine.
Maybe it's time you move on, Taeng. It's been almost two years now," Jaewon
murmured as he straightened. I didn't budge as I watched Jaewon throw on a t-shirt,
finally (Jaewon wasn't exactly the best looking guy in my opinion, or maybe it was
because I was so immune to him already). ‚Alright, well, you better get ready soon,
'cause I texted Jessica to meet you in, oh, half-an-hour." I looked suspiciously at him.

"Since when do you have Jessica's number?" I knew before Jaewon grinned at me and
made a mad dash for the door when he yelled his answer to me as the pillows I threw
narrowly missed his head.

"Oh not my phone! From your phone!"

~~~

I was dressed simply in jeans and a t-shirt waiting in front of the theater, just simply
waiting patiently. Looking up faintly, I could see the clear blue sky with no traces of
clouds whatsoever on a hot summer's day. There were other kids walking about,
chattering with each other, and I only watched. It had been a while since I had suddenly
become a part of life again, it seemed.

"Don't you think movies are a waste of money?"

I said nothing to the whisper in the back of my mind, her voice threatening to swallow
me again. I felt her voice growing louder in the voice of my memories when I tried to
focus on the movies showing. Even though I tried not to look, I saw it in the distance
when my head turned again to look at the street crossing changing.

"Taeyeonnie, if I crossed now, would I die?" Her brown eyes joked with me as I stood
there with her, waiting to walk back home. "If I died, what would be left of me?"

"Death is a serious thing," I murmured to her. Her hand reached down and held mine.
"You know that right, unnie?"

"Of course... but sometimes, it'd make existing so much easier." I looked up, and even
though everyone told me I was too young then to understand, I understood before
anyone else had even seen it. Even though she told me nothing, her eyes spoke it all,
that trace of sadness she didn't say. I turned my head back to the street crossing sign,
waiting for it to turn to the "go ahead and walk" notice. We were just waiting, waiting
as life moved slowly on.

"Taengoo?"

I snapped out of the memory when Jessica appeared in front of my face, obviously
worried at my blank stare. "Taengoo?" I blinked, before taking a quick step back.

"Oh, h-hi J-Jessica," I stuttered as I replaced the image of two lonely kids at the sidewalk
with Jessica's inquiring and clearly disturbed expression. "Sorry, I was--"

"You're a dork, you know that?" Jessica said with a slight laugh as she took hold of my
hand suddenly again. "Come on, let's go choose a movie." Jessica's hands were warm as
they pulled me along again, leading, when I myself felt like I was growing sick again.

"Your hands are... umm... kinda sweaty," I mumbled to Jessica, embarrassed as she was
looking at the movies. For a moment, I saw a kind of icy glare shoot from her eyes and I
looked down, letting go of her hand. Then I heard her laughing as I her hands suddenly
touched my cheeks, raising my head so that my eyes met her's.

"You're kind of like a kid when you act like this, Taengoo." I flushed quietly, but
stepped back, before unconsciously sticking out my tongue.

"Too bad for you," I retorted and then ran off to the ticket lines. Before I ran off, I could
see an icy glare on Jessica's face, looking ready to murder me. I couldn't help laughing
as Jessica ran after me. For the first time in a long time, I felt myself free of anything. For
once, I didn't feel the world telling me to never forgive myself.

But all things are short-lived, and the problems I had left broken were still meant to
resurface.

"Taeyeon, if I chose to die right now, would you die with me?"

I stopped in my tracks as I saw the image of a girl in sunglasses peering at me through

the door of the theater. I knew she wasn't real, at least in the way I wanted her to be, but
it still didn't stop me from hesitating and gazing at her. All that good will, all that
perfection that I had allowed myself to display on the surface began to crack as I saw a
figment of her in another passerby.

"You know what's weird Taeyeon? I see a lot of you in everybody. 'Cause you know, we've
always been around each other; it's natural for me to connect practically everything in my life to
you."

It was no different for me. If blue was the color I saw the world in, then of course blue
was what I associated the world as. Her colors, the memories of what we saw our world
in, then define much of whom I became and who I am. And in her life...

Life and death were paper-thin alternates of one another, two alternates when one is
tired of the other.

"Taengoo?" I snapped out of my blank reverie when Jessica nudged me and gazed at the
girl I was staring at. When I glanced again, she disappeared. "You okay? Was that
someone you knew?" I shrugged, smiling, before getting in line again with Jessica.

"It was someone I thought I knew," I half-lied. For some reason though, even though I
was doing all I can to forget memories, Jessica stared curiously at me. I was starting to
recognize that that was Jessica's "looking deeper into my soul and emotions" kind of
face. Even though I said nothing, I felt like Jessica was looking straight at the mess
inside.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Jessica asked carefully.

"Taeyeonnie, there's so many ways to die. It could be our list of things to do before we die. Die
from jumping off a building, die from getting hit by a car, die from drowning... die from a knife."

I laughed as she and I were staring over the city from this small roof we were on. To me, it had
been nothing more than simple thought, simple joking. But I could see it, though I chose not to
address it. I could see the way her eyes gazed lost over the city, as if all those lights were lost
proofs of existing lives.

"If I died... and you died... I wonder if we would still be best friends afterwards," she murmured.

"Probably," I replied softly. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just got home from dance practice, so I'm a little exhausted."

"Liar. Your eyes say it all, Boa unnie. What's wrong?" I prodded her. Her brown eyes met mine,
curiously, before she smiled sadly.

"...How come you're always able to tell when I'm lying?" I shrugged, before leaning against the
railing like Boa did, looking far below to see cars rushing by, always moving in streams of lives.

"Your eyes. I don't know how to say it. You... Your eyes are very honest." Boa laughed, shaking
her head at my strange answer.

"That's the best and worst thing about you, Taeyeonnie. You're very caring, but you also allow
yourself to be so immersed with other people that when something happens, you get affected too.
Like now... how can anyone read my eyes? You can, and that speaks a lot about how much
attention you pay attention to me."

"You make me sound like I'm a stalker," I sniffed, before Boa prodded me.

"Aren't you my biggest fan?" I rolled my eyes, but I didn't reply to the teasing. "I like that
about you though."

"Me being a stalker?"

"No... I mean about how you genuinely care. How you notice the smallest emotions in people
easily, even when it seems only slightly different. I'm smiling right now, yet you notice that I'm
not okay. That... that is your best quality. And your worst." I stared at Boa as she said that,
unblinking. I didn't reply, but the words Boa said had stuck in me while she turned back to gaze
at the city, unmoving.

Even though I said nothing, I still saw that spark of lost happiness in Boa's eyes, as if there was
nowhere for her to run.

Even though I smiled at Jessica, I knew then I couldn't lie to her. Walking by in the glass
doors, my empty eyes gazed back at me, as if there was nowhere for me to run.

I felt sick to the bone, because I knew what eyes stared back at me.

"Taeyeon, let's go," Jessica murmured as she took my arm and pulled me gently, leading
me again as if I was a child. I said nothing, but when Jessica's arms clung to mine, I
knew, in spite of feigning ignorance, that it was Jessica's way of cheering me up. That it
was her way of telling me that she was waiting for me to say whatever it was I refused
to say.

I knew how dangerously close Jessica was drawing to me, and though my mind
revolted at the idea that I was allowing someone to get so derangedly close to my heart
again, my arm stayed where it was out of its own accord, as if telling me that it was
okay. I couldn't draw my body away.

When her hand reached down to hold mine, and walk like that, I felt a silent whisper of
Jessica's feelings again.

The movie itself was a treat, a simple distraction, though I could have done without
Jessica's killing my skin cells from unintentionally pinching my arm and her shrieks,
but all of it, took much of my mind off everything. It was nice, even though, it didn't
matter, to simply be a normal girl. To simply exist. To simply not have to think or
ponder about other things.

And when Jessica began laughing when I winced and made a face at her in the
darkness, I felt a small smile grow on my lips despite my own pain.

It was nice to simply smile genuinely.

Even if deep inside I felt myself growing sick with all that I left unsaid.

If I wasn’t feeling sick that day, and thinking of anything but the little whispers in the
back of my mind, I wondered if I would’ve noticed that day the way Jessica gazed at
me, her little fingers intertwined with mine throughout the movie, clenching my hand
tightly. I wondered if I would have noticed that even though Jessica hated horror, she
had gone anyways with me into the dark, and stayed with me. I knew Jessica was
scared… yet I wondered if I would have realized that Jessica had tried anyways to stay
with me despite the fears she held.

Maybe then, I would’ve heard Jessica’s whisper over my own.

You have me: eyes, ears, and heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Beginning of Freshman Year)

"It's fate," Yuri declared as she stood in front of the school with Jessica and I. The two of
us changed skeptical glances, with Jessica yawning and me fiddling with my cell phone
while Yuri stared at the both of us as if she had some prevalent message from the
heavens. "Hwang Tiffany and Kwon Yuri are meant to be. We're even in the same
homeroom class!" I rolled my eyes.
"All of us are in that class," Jessica muttered. "We have choir that period, stupid..." I
couldn't hold my laugh when Yuri shot the both of us a glare. It had actually been
Jaewon’s idea for me to join choir. I had not objected, since it was Jaewon’s way of
trying to get me to smile more (plus, Jaewon and I made an agreement that he had to
join choir with me), by going back to what I loved doing in music the most, even if I
hadn’t truly sang my heart out in years. Maybe I finally felt bad enough to do
something to make Jaewon a little happier. However, I had no idea why the rest of the
girls were joining choir. I had this feeling Jaewon talking to Jessica had something to do
with it though (though he denied it vehemently). "Come Taengoo, let's leave this
lovesick girl alone." Leaving Yuri behind with her love prophecies (all between her and
Tiffany), the two of us slowly made our way into the school.

How things have changed in the past year I have known Jessica. It was very ironic,
actually, since Jessica hates being talkative and I am outwardly talkative. Yet... when it
came down to it, Jessica was the more open between us, and I... I don't know what I am.
The first thing Jaewon told me however when he and I walked each other to school
from our neighborhood was that I only had to let myself be myself around Jessica.

I don't know what Jaewon meant by it, but I have a clue.

"Taeyeon!!!" I paused as I saw a pink thing flying my way, and out of instinct, I
immediately stepped behind Jessica while Jessica stared strangely at the pink thing
flying towards her, only to have her skid to a stop. "Taeyeon, why are you hiding from
your wife!? You never pick up my calls and--"

"Hey Tiffany," a voice called. I looked up to see Jaewon smiling civilly at Tiffany,
though Tiffany looked at him distastefully. A long time ago, when Jaewon and I hadn't
seen each other as much as we did now, and I used to spend some time with Tiffany
after school, these two had met once. Tiffany didn't like Jaewon, simply because she
wanted more time with me and Jaewon always found it amusing that she and I got
along, since we were so unalike. "It's nice to meet you again." Tiffany glared at him, but
instead of mocking her back, Jaewon turned to Jessica seriously. "I need to steal
Taeyeon for a moment, if you don't mind, Jessica."

I blinked. Jessica's expression turned surprised, and all she could do was nod. I glared
at Jaewon, but he seemed not to notice as he took ahold of my wrist and pulled me
along. "Yah, I don't belong to Jessica, why do you keep treating me like I do?" I
whispered furiously to Jaewon as I glanced back at Jessica and Tiffany standing there
dumbfounded. Tiffany clearly looked pissed at Jaewon and Jessica was watching me
carefully. Those eyes that endlessly tried...

"I saved you from having to talk to Tiffany about everything. Think of it like that,"
Jaewon retorted as we walked past the school's side gates and across into a field where
the P.E. students often ran. "And you kinda do belong to Jessica, since she's your friend.
Like you belong to me." I glared at him. What kind of logic was that? Angry, I took my
binder in my hand and whacked him with it, much to his detriment. "YAH!" he yelled
at me, causing people to stare at us.

"I don't belong to you, you idiot. What am I, your slave?" I shot back. Jaewon's feigned
hurt expression only made me sigh. "Come on, school's about to start. Where are we
going?" I asked as we paused before a couple of trees alone out in the edge of the school
grounds. "Jae?" Jaewon shook his head as he led me behind one of the trees, as if there
was some secret. I rolled my eyes. Out of all the days he wanted to go play under trees
like in our childhood, he had to choose the day when we were starting high school...

"Yeon Hee noona told me about it, and I thought... I at least should tell you before you
discover it on your own by accident," Jaewon murmured as he pulled my arm down
into a crouch. I felt my blood turn cold then, and a part of me wanted to run far away
when I knew whatever he was showing me had to relate to her.

It had been a month since Jessica and I had gone to the movies, a month since I had
calmed down again... yet it was coming back even quicker this time as Jaewon showed
me a small carving on the tree, deeply cut and adorned with what looked to be like a
figure of a hand-cut ring. I knew from just the ring alone who had carved the
inscription.

In the center of the ring, a BTY was carved, straight, perfect, and as beautiful as a hand-
carved inscription on a tree by a high-schooler could be. My head rushed as I found
myself sitting there, feeling sick. "Taeng..." Jaewon murmured as he tried to pull me up.
"Come on, it's high school... at some point we have to forget. Let go of what happened--
" I pulled my arm away from Jaewon as I stared at him.

“BTY?” I had asked as I looked over her shoulder while she was sitting at my kitchen table
nibbling on some licorice Jaewon had forgotten at my house. Boa smiled at me, the red stick
dangling from between her lips. Childishly, she pretended to be smoking from the stick, but I
ignored it as my eyes wandered back to the small picture, a beautifully illustrated image of a ring
around a cursive BTY.

“Boa & Taeyeon. B is Boa, TY is Taeyeon. It could be like our code name.” My eyebrows knit
together, causing her to laugh as I sat down next to her.

“Is the ring supposed to represent the rings we have right now?” I asked Boa as I pointed to the
little blue ring on my right hand. Boa smiled faintly as she too looked at a purple ring on her
right hand, identical in every aspect to mine except in color. “Our promise to find caves behind
waterfalls?”

"See this ring? It's a promise... It's our promise to find caves behind waterfalls.. We're going to
be okay, no matter what, just you and I. Just like this picture… It’s our promise, as best friends.
Best friends forever right?” I said nothing as Boa’s serious eyes hit mine, honest, truthful, and I
had fallen for it.

It’s not that she meant to lie to me, but our mistake was that we foolishly both
believed in our promise to each other then.

Even if I wanted to forget... no matter how desperately I wanted to forget, I would

never be able to.

"I'll see you later, Jaewon... I need some time to myself." Jaewon was helpless as he
watched me run off. I knew that what I had said would hurt him. At some point, even
Jaewon would get tired of trying to keep me steady, and at that point I would truly be
alone. But it changed everything when Jaewon hadn't been there and I had. No matter
how much Jaewon might have loved her as well, it didn't change the fact that he hadn't
notice anything and I--and I had seen everything.

Down to the very scar she held over her wrist, down to the very scar over her heart, and
down to the scars she had inside.

I couldn't help it as I ran away from school, back the opposite way from school. I
couldn't cry though a part of me wanted so badly to. I had lost the ability to let myself
cry years ago.

I should have known though that when I had suddenly disappeared like that with
Jaewon against my will, Jessica would have been worried. I hadn't processed that
Jessica might possibly be waiting in the same place for me patiently, just like so many
times before, waiting for me to come to her of my own accord, like a foolish child. How
naive, I almost thought as Jessica grabbed my hand while I was front of the school
gates, her breathing quick like mine, when she had ran after me.

"Taeyeon ah, talk to me," Jessica whispered. I froze. I was shaking as her hand held
tightly onto mine, wanting so badly to run away and never have to explain. I shook my
head, kept shaking it as Jessica held onto my hand. Jessica said nothing as she slowly
led me towards the school building again. Processing what she wanted, I pulled back,
my inside feeling sick. Jessica paused, before peering cautiously at me. "What... what do
you want Taeyeon ah?" Jessica whispered as she bent down to my eye level.

"I wonder what's more sick... me or my heart?" she asked. Her cold medicine was next to her, on
her bedside table, yet the tablets were sitting there unnoticed. I didn't answer, but I knew exactly
what kind of eyes she would make at me when I told her she was silly.

"I wonder… if someone can feel sicker inside than their body physically is."

Memories, memories that all seemed to flicker and die, yet still stay alive like an eternal
flame and make me feel something yet never feel completely warm... There were some
memories that time itself seemed never to be able to erase, and those were the ones I felt
like a scar, throbbing constantly. I wasn't feeling steady at all, my mind throbbing as I
saw a bird fly overhead. "...I feel sick," I whispered, as I felt my mind swirling.

The last thing I saw was Jessica's alarmed face, as my eyes faded to black, and the blue
sky behind her, the birds chirping, and her beautiful hazel eyes true and honest
disappeared. I saw it though before my eyes shut as a single tear fell out of Jessica's eye.

Why are you crying? Why would you cry for someone like me when I myself can't
even cry for myself?

...Please don't cry.

~~~

Boa and I were sitting watching TV at her house, alone while her parents were gone. I was
nibbling on a piece of licorice on her sofa while Boa was cutting a slice of cake for herself on the
table to eat. It was just another day, another simple day to live, but that day stuck out to me. It
was that day I realized how paperthin the distance between life and death was. Not just me, but
her as well.

"You know, they were teaching us some psychology in class today. There's these people, called
emo kids, who cut themselves." I raised my eyebrows, curious, and like her, then, I didn't fully
comprehend. "They take knives and cut themselves." I winced, only able to imagine the pain.

"Why? Why would they do such a thing?" I asked. Boa leaned her head back against the sofa,
gently brushing my knee as she did so. The way her eyes gazed at me upside down, as if amused,
burned into me then.

"They want to feel pain. They hurt so much inside that it would be easier to feel the physical pain
to cover up their insides," Boa answered, before she smiled at me from her position. "It's their
escape... when they can't let it out." I was deathly silent while I watched Boa resume cutting her
cake and place on her plate. It was a peculiar way to relieve stress, I thought then. The act of
cutting one's self seemed so morbid. When silence resumed, I chose to not think about it
anymore. My eyes went back to the TV then, watching Music Core before I noticed out of the
corner of my eyes Boa suddenly lift the plastic cake knife and wipe it.

I noticed when Boa suddenly placed it on her wrist. Surprised, I stared when Boa's head leaned
back again, her eyes meeting mine upside down again. "Usually, this is how they do it. They take
a knife and slice their skin open here." I stared, reaching forward to grab her hand out of instinct,
but Boa pressed down the knife then and tried to pull.

Silence.

"Stupid, you're not going to be able to cut yourself with a plastic knife," I retorted with a laugh.
Boa began laughing as well, her peculiar laugh filling the air. There was an inch of
disappointment in her eyes, but I pretended not to notice.

"I think a knife is the most interesting way to die, don't you think?" Boa asked suddenly. "I
mean, hanging yourself... that's just so morbid and your face turns blue, I think. And then
shooting yourself... well, that's just so hard to find a gun. Movies and Korean dramas make that
seem too easy. Jumping off a building... one would probably pee in their pants before they made it
to the ground. There's a lot more, but a knife is the easiest." I rolled my eyes.

"Death isn't some game. I doubt anyone really thinks about how they want to die, unnie," I
replied casually. At that time, we hadn't known how seriously this talk would have turned out to
be. It was just one of our topics, as if we were wondering about life.

"I know. I'm just saying... must be easy though, to just die and not have to deal with all the ****
life gives us." I widened my eyes, before glaring at her.

"Unnie! No cussing!"

"Oh be quiet, you," Boa retorted, rolling her eyes. "Miss goody two-shoes."

"...Unnie?"
"Hmm?" Boa replied absentmindedly as she was eating her cake.

"The people who kill themselves... do they go to heaven or hell?" Boa stopped biting on her spoon
as she looked up at me again, no longer smiling. Rather, there was a curious thought in her eyes.

"I'm not quite sure, Taeyeonnie. I'm not quite sure at all..."

Boa's image suddenly disappeared and I found myself on the edge of a cliff, looking out
at the ocean. The scene was not unfamiliar to me. Down below, scattered far and wide,
white ashes were floating. I was by far no stranger to this scene. I was alone now,
without anybody to tell me otherwise, without Boa to laugh at me—with me.

When you've known someone your whole life, and have them disappear from it, there
are no proper words to describe the feeling. It's like you've lost a piece of your soul. I
was broken. I didn't give up, because my innate nature was like that, but I might as
well have. Half of me might as well have died that day.

When you had someone you were tied to so much, and you lose them... you'll never be
the same. Boa's madness was apparent to me, even as a young girl, but it was a part of
me.

"Why?" I screamed out loud this time, screaming to the ashes floating down in midair.
"Why? You and I were supposed to find our purpose Boa! Even though life wasn't what
we wanted it to be, even with how ****ed up it was, living is supposed to be getting
past all that, isn't it unnie?"

A part of me will never forgive myself, because I had seen all the signs leading up to
this. All the talk of death, all the talk of despair we had together, all the little signs like
cutting herself... I had lied for her. In all those times, I had lied to her parents, my
parents, and everyone, so that I could keep her secrets. I had known it all. I knew Boa's
personality, impulsive and dangerous to everyone but me. I, after all, had been her best
friend. I knew everything.

Yet seemingly, I had not known enough. All the pains she kept inside, what were they?
All that she used to cry to me about, what truly haunted her? I will never know, even
though I knew her far better than anyone else. I had seen all the signs, but…

I couldn't do anything in the end.

"Unnie...Unnie, tell me what I'm supposed to do.... Wasn't I enough? Wasn't I enough of
a reason for you to stay...?"

~~~

When I opened my eyes, I found myself staring at the ceiling of a white room, with little
dots in the tiles arrayed. A dream was only a dream, I repeated to myself... no matter
how true it was. I let myself lay there for a few minutes in silence as I tried to make
myself not think and calm down, neither of which truly worked. By thinking more
about it, it always heightened in my mind anyhow. Sighing, I turned to the side, and
pushed quietly aside the curtains around my cot to see myself in an empty nurse's
office.

No sign of life around at all. I stared at the mirror above the sink, staring at it to see the
reflection of the window behind me where sunlight was filtering through. The blue
open sky seemed so far away from where I was laying, all alone.

Alone, with no one to see a single thing.

Turning onto my back again, I started counting the dots again, trying to push away all
memories. For awhile, the dots succeeded. Then it came back anyways.

Alone.

This was exactly how it happened.

A sudden cough from within the office shocked me out of my blank reverie as I sat up,
quickly pulling aside the curtain surrounding me. Looking carefully this time, I realized
the sound came from a person on the other cot, which another curtain was covering. I
blanched. I knew, from Jaewon specifically, that I was a concurrent sleep-talker, and
usually spoke aloud during my dreams.

Even during my nightmares.

Standing up, despite feeling wobbly, I managed to bring myself over to the other cot
and open the curtain. I knew it was just some person, and it possibly couldn't matter,
because out of the 2,000 people at my school, who could possibly know me? But I
should have known.

When my eyes ran over Jessica's pale skin and her closed eyes as her brown hair was
scattered over her pillow, I momentarily lost my breath. Her slow steady breathing was
there, her naive expression that was blind to the reality of the world was remarkably
present, and I nearly stared for awhile trying to comprehend why I felt so uneasy.

For a moment, Jung Jessica didn't seem alive. It was her chest steadily rising and
falling—breathing-- that reminded me she was. I sat down next to her sleeping form
then, feeling my head go spinning again, and I didn't need another fainting scene. Her
eyes opened then, surprised as they saw mine staring back. I almost laughed as Jessica
stared sleepily at me.

"Feeling better?" Jessica asked me sleepily as she turned to her side to face me. I simply
nodded, while staring, admiring her long lashes. Around the edges of her eyes, I could
see a faint puffiness and a trace of red eyes from tears.

Jung Jessica had cried for me.

Why? I wanted to ask her why. Why did she try? Why was she so intent on caring about
me? How could she wait so long for me, trying to understand me when... when I was
nothing but a pitiful mess of my past? But somehow I think I knew the answer already,
though I was afraid to admit it. I was not clueless, which has in some way always been
my greatest flaw. When most people would not see the feelings and emotions of others,
particularly the ones closest to one's heart, I always saw glimpses of it, even emotions I
wish I were blind to.

In the end... it was that fact that always hurt me the most.

"... Taeyeon, I want you to talk to me. Tell me everything," Jessica finally whispered to
me as her hand found my palm. "I know it's not my place, and I can't possibly
understand everything, but because I'm your friend... and I care, I know I want to
understand what hurts you so much. I'm here for you." I laughed then, neither
hysterically nor happily, but rather bittersweetly as her hand clasped my palm.

"You know what's funny?" I asked her. Her eyes narrowed at me, before she shook her
head. "I thought I was alone. Then I walked over and opened this, and here you were,
lying here the whole time." Jessica's eyes never left mine then as she and I stared at each
other, watching, reading each other's torrent of emotions.

"Is that a bad thing?" Jessica asked me softly. I thought long and hard, noticing a flicker
of hesitation in Jessica's eyes, and a slight trembling in her hand.
"I'm not sure," I replied softly. Brown eyes enveloped my gaze, forever still, waiting
patiently like so many times before. "Jessica, I'm a mess. I'm a pathetic mess. It's not
worth trying to save me or make me whole again. You can do so much better than me...
Siwon would've been a better choice than me." Jessica's eyes widened, before she sat up
slowly, her hand still in mine. It seemed like ages now, though only a year, since Jessica
used to whisper to me every day in Mr. Kim’s class about her relationship with Siwon.
So many things seemed to have changed. Jessica and Siwon had seemingly drifted
apart, and when one time, I had been curious enough about to ask, Jessica had simply
answered that it wasn’t meant to be. That had ended that, but I was not stupid.

"No, you're worth it. You're always worth it to me, and regardless of how I feel, I'm
your friend." I laughed, before pinning Jessica down against the bed. Jessica stared
back, and I felt her sudden fear emanating from her eyes. I felt a pang, an inch of
hesitation growing inside, but I needed to register my point. Two inches away from
each other's eyes, lips, and nose, Jessica and I were the closest we had ever been then. I
could hear Jessica hold her breath, her heart thumping erratically from where my
fingers held down her wrist.

"Worth it? You want me to explain to you why I am the way I am? You have the illusion
in believing I'm a nice person. I'm not. I'm just as ****ed up as my memories are, and
despite who you are, you try anyways to comprehend. There are days when I couldn't
give a **** if I lived or died, if it weren't for the fact that my naive childish self made a
promise on a grave never to kill myself. Friendship? Friendship never makes anything
last, as far as I'm concerned. People die all the time. With people dying, friendships die
too, I presume, unless God creates a way for people to suddenly talk to dead people.
And I ask you why now.... why do you try and care so much when obviously I'm just
going to disappear?" I murmured coldly to Jessica, as I hovered over her.

Jessica stared back defiantly then, and I was surprised as Jessica broke free from my
grasp and pulled me down against her. I was frozen, immobile, as I felt Jessica's arms
around my neck and shoulder, and the warmth of her skin against mine. I felt my bitter
self fade as Jessica hugged me on the cot. On any other day, I would've definitely
struggled against Jessica, and then told her she was crazy or completely avoid her and
tell her that I needed to leave or something. But the words she told me next left me
breathless. Any words that might have come out next was stuck and swallowed into my
throat, forgotten.

"Even if I died, I would still be your friend because I love you. That's my only reason: I
love you. I love the you that’s a mess, the you that’s a dork, the you that’s afraid, the
you that’s braver than anyone than I know… I love you, and I wouldn’t have it any
other way. I believe it’s enough of a reason for you to stay here with me, to trust me…
like I trust you. You were the one who told me Taeyeon, a long time ago, that we need
to let it out, rather than keep it all in. Even if it hurts, even if we’re just opening up
ourselves to pain, it’s okay to slowly let it all out. Friendship, true friendship, will last
even in death… And even if I died today or tomorrow, I would still love you. It’s just
like you. You never say a single word to me sometimes, about anything, yet I know… I
know that you care. You… you’re my best friend, and I wouldn’t have you any other
way. You don’t have to lie to me and say you’re okay. You don’t have to pretend. It’s
not enough just to say you’re okay. I just… I love you, and you… all of you… is what
makes me love you. I wouldn’t love you any other way, without your perfections and
imperfections." It sounded somehow cliche in some ways, after all that I've heard from
movies Jaewon used to convince me to watch with him and what Boa used to say
sometimes to me, yet not exactly. I felt myself completely breathless as Jessica held onto
me, hugging me, and never letting me go. It was the longest direct speech Jessica had
ever given me, and the one that hit closest to home.

I wondered how Jessica could melt away everything so simply. All my fears, all my
secrets, all of my deranged heart, in just a deep hug and her small whispers, had faded
away.

All along, I knew Jessica was waiting for me, because she knew I was not the kind of
person who was able to talk it out. Some of me was never able to trust fully, but the fact
Jessica waited in spite of that, whispering to me silently in all her little actions that she
was always there for me made me want to cry. Why? How did I deserve someone so
good? There were a million, a trillion, other people in the world Jessica could’ve found
that would’ve treated her as a better friend and been better for her…

Yet Jessica found me.

All along, Jessica stayed with me, waiting, holding onto me gently and waiting for me
to lean on me.

It had been a long, long two years, running away from everything. I didn’t deserve
Jessica who ran after me that whole time. But…

“It’s okay. It’s okay to cry,” Jessica murmured. “Just let it go.”

I don't remember how long we stayed like this as I cried finally, for the first time in
about two years. I don't remember much of what happened after.
But I remember hearing Jessica repeat it to me as I cried.

“I'm here for you. I love you. Tell me everything.”

And there were some unexpressed things as well, that rung even closer to my heart.

I love you no matter who you used to be. I love you and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

‚Let it all go…‛ Jessica whispered to me as we stayed like that.

For once, I didn’t feel that dull pain, like a scar over my heart, which I had carried since
Boa had killed herself two years ago. For once… I felt free.

For once I took a deep breath and stopped running.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dated new article: June 20XX

High school studen Kwon Boa was found dead this morning from a self-inflicted cut wound at
her home. The result of blood loss and lack of immediate help from medical specialists pronounced
the girl dead by 4 AM approximately. Her body was found by parents in the morning when they
had awoken to wake their daughter up for school. The body was found in the victim's room, by
the window. The community mourns the tragic loss and solemnly is supporting her family and
friends.

News articles tend to sum everything up with only the bare surface of the facts. But
after all, the people want to know the truth, correct? I remember that morning, because
it was just another day of happiness, another day of playing in my front yard with my
best friend. It had been strange. I was never the type to cry, nor pick flowers, yet that
day, Jaewon and I had both done just that. I forgot what we were doing specifically. We
had been playing in the grass for some odd reason, digging up something, when
Jaejoong came out, his face dark, as he said it simply to us.

"She's dead."

When Jaewon and I peered at each other, our faces were blank. There was no horror
because we both knew Jaejoong would never joke around with us like that. It was pure
truth, pure reality. I was the first to say something, the more responsible between us
two, my tiny shovel forgotten in the dust. And I, of the two of us, was the one who
knew her best of all. My body felt numb, yet still strangely functional.

"How?"

Jaejoong didn't say anything for a moment as he and I gazed levelly at each other. Then
he spoke up, looking instead at Jaewon. "Suicide. She--Boa-- committed suicide." I did
not speak. For some reason, the idea of death that Boa had taken into her mind wasn’t
all so twisted to me, because of all the talks we had had, but Jaewon’s face of complete
shock sent tremors through me.

‚…I see,‛ I managed to reply.

‚Boa’s mom has told me that she’s decided to spread Boa’s ashes in a few days at the
beach, since you and Boa used to love going there… She wanted me to let you know
that. Boa’s body’s going to be burned soon, so there’s no grave or anything…‛
Jaejoong’s face of cautious worry was apparent, but I didn’t know how to paint that I
was not okay, yet I didn’t feel like explaining it. Jaewon seemed to get it though, and
somehow managed to shoo Jaejoong away before he came back to me, silently digging
in the dirt. We were kids… we didn’t know any better.

What was death?

Did death mean I would never see Boa again? How could Boa not exist? She had been
just there. I had just talked to her last night. I had heard her ask me in a voice, crying
softly, about something again, before she asked me. It had been a sign, but I hadn’t
noticed because Boa herself was always a mess, a beautiful mess that I was used to.

‚Taeyeon, if I chose to die right now, would you die with me?‛

At that moment, my shovel that I had been absentmindedly digging with, in the silence
Jaewon allowed me to have to myself, hit the root of one of the wild little yellow
flowers that often randomly sprouted in Jaewon’s yard. The flower was small, and
fragile, not even grown enough to catch the attention of someone walking by. It was a
wildflower that could never reach its full growth now that I had suddenly disconnected
it from the ground. I stared at the pale, fragile yellow petals momentarily before my
fingers moved forward to pick a few of the others nearby. Normally, from what I’ve
seen, people took flowers and leave them for their loved ones at their graves. Yet, Boa
didn’t have a grave. She would never have one. In some ways, no one would even
know Boa had lived and died when everyone was gone.
It was like Boa hadn’t even existed.

‚Let’s give flowers to her and pray,‛ I remembered saying. Jaewon looked up,
surprised, but did not object. He too, was silently mourning. When Jaewon bent down
next to me and helped me gather a few more of the little wildflowers, I did not mock
him, like I usually would have. I did not object when Jaewon bunched the flowers
together and walked with me to the streets.

There was no grave, so Jaewon and I instead put it in a pothole in the middle of his
street. I don’t remember why we had done it, but it gave us some peace of mind as we
silently prayed. I didn’t cry, because I was too in shock to do so. Jaewon cried quietly,
and I said nothing. Instead, Jaewon and I stayed there, staring silently at the flowers
before Jaejoong called us in.

That night, after all the lights had gone down, and the quiet murmurs of sorrow
bypassed, I lay in bed staring out my window. That night, I still didn’t cry, but as if the
sky had seen right through my façade, it began crying for me. I didn’t cry, not because I
didn’t care, but because it still hadn’t completely hit me yet that Boa was no more. It
wasn’t until the next day, when I went to the church for the funeral, that the Detective
overseeing Boa’s death handed me a wallet after questioning me for awhile.

Inside was a photo, only a single photo, of Boa and me standing at the beach, our arms
around each other as we were laughing from the seagulls overhead.

That day, when the rain kept pouring down, I cried and cried. Because this time… this
time, Boa had meant it when she left me. And I knew that I had done nothing.

It was all pointless.

I was a pathetic mess afterwards, though my perfect façade managed to get me to finish
the school year before my parents decided to move me nearer to Jaewon and go to
school with him, Jaewon who knew oh so well my state of mind. I hadn’t minded. I
hadn’t minded at all.

It was better that I cut myself off from people. It was better that no one understood, I
tried to convince myself. No one had to know… No one could understand… People,
friendships, lovers, all of them were the same. None of it was ever… ever meant to last.

But even so…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‚You’re flat,‛ I remarked gently to Hyoyeon as the two of us were standing next to each
other in choir. Hyoyeon nodded, but I noticed the clear sign of irritation on her face.
Being the alto section leader for our choir, it was my job to point out to any of my fellow
altos if there were mistakes gently, but it didn’t mean I liked it. No one enjoyed having
to direct their friends and same-age classmates. ‚But you’re singing well and keeping
the rhythm much better than anyone else,‛ I whispered to her quietly as I leaned in
closer to her, making sure no one could hear except us. Hyoyeon’s face lit up and she
clapped me hard on the back of my shoulder, causing me to grimace. Across the
classroom, where the soprano section was, I could see Lee Soonkyu, aka Sunny,
laughing at her girlfriend’s actions.

‚How about me TaeTae?‛ Tiffany burst out from behind me and Hyoyeon in the first
row as she leaned down to rest her chin on my shoulder. ‚What about your precious
wife?‛ Hyoyeon laughed as I gently pushed Tiffany’s head off of my shoulder. I could
see clearly a jealous Kwon Yuri shooting me daggers from the top row of our alto
section when I turned around to face Tiffany momentarily.

‚You’re singing loud and clear as always, Fany ah,‛ I replied with a smile as Tiffany
bent down to hug me again (like a leech that wouldn’t let go, as I affectionately describe
her as such). Yuri sighed as she glanced at me, and I mouthed an apology to her and a
slight promise that I would put in a good word for her with Tiffany. ‚Yuri’s singing
very well too, don’t you think Fany ah?‛ Tiffany turned to look suspiciously at Yuri,
who kept a straight and smiling face as Tiffany turned to peer at her.

‚Yeah, Dark Chocolate is not doing bad at all,‛ Tiffany teased. Yuri’s face slightly
dropped as Tiffany faced forward again. However, I saw it as Yuri flushed when the
name ‚Dark Chocolate‛ came up again. From the smile on Tiffany’s face, I knew it was
not a bad thing. This relationship might yet head in a way that didn’t seem so hopeless
for Yuri. Even if I still had many things to tell Tiffany, had much to hear from Tiffany in
that year and a half I had missed of her life, I knew that things… that many things
would eventually turn out okay. We had years ahead of us to talk.

‚How about me, unnie?‛ Yoona asked loudly from the back row, her eyes darting
quietly over to the girl on the piano in front of us. I stifled my laughter as Seohyun
glanced up to gaze cautiously at Yoona before shifting her eyes to the soprano section
where Sooyoung too was shooting furtive glances at her. I had to sympathize with the
younger girl. It definitely was not easy being the focus of dumb and dumber, as the two
had so dubbed themselves when Seohyun had complimented them once on being
‚smart.‛ Quite frankly, I already had a hard time with the pair even when I was not the
‚apple of their eyes.‛ But it was nice, even so, that the two were still best friends even if
they crushed on the same girl.

I wasn’t going to be the one to tell them though that Seohyun’s friend Nicole was
getting much closer to Seohyun than they were at the rate they were going though.

When my wandering eyes drifted down to the brunette lazily flipping through the piece
of choral music our class was practicing, my lips unconsciously curved up into a faint
smile. As if she knew I was looking at her, Jessica looked up to gaze at me, before
smiling. The two of us exchanged skeptical looks as we heard Sooyoung yell out
something about how sopranos should gather around Seohyun’s piano to practice their
notes while the altos and guys practiced with Sungmin, our choir teacher. Of course, it
was very like Sooyoung to want to be closer to Seohyun. But the nod Jessica gave me
was more than enough in that small moment.

How things had changed, it seemed.

When the bell rang, an exasperated Jaewon came over to me, his guitar on his back. ‚I
can’t believe I’m in this class,‛ the boy cursed under his breath to me. ‚This is torture
Taeyeon ah. Torture, I tell you. This is like an excuse for Jaejoong hyung to get me to do
more choral things. I seriously cannot believe you got me to join choir with you.‛ I
laughed as Jaewon plopped down on the riser for his lunch break, and began playing
the guitar. Jessica crept up beside me, standing there as the rest of the girls made their
way over too, unnoticed by Jaewon until he looked up to see himself surrounded by
nine girls. ‚Yah, Taeyeon ah, you need to stop these girls from surrounding me so much
or someone will think I’m a pimp.‛

‚Aren’t you one?‛ I retorted, rolling my eyes at my best guy friend. Jaewon shot me a
glare before he went on tuning his guitar. ‚You were the one who said we don’t see
each other as much anymore, so sorry for trying to spend more time with you.‛

‚I didn’t mean with all of them,‛ Jaewon replied as he motioned to the rest of the girls.
‚They don’t even play games—well, except Sunny—but I can’t hang out with them
doing guy stuff like I do with you.‛

‚Are you calling me a guy?‛

‚No.‛
‚…‛

‚Maybe.‛ I laughed as Jaewon whistled innocently. ‚Well, I’ll let it off for one day, so if
you need Taeyeon, you’re free to have her today,‛ Jaewon declared to the girls. ‚Just get
her home by a decent time so I still have someone to call my best girl friend.‛ I stared at
him, while Jaewon grinned cheekily at me.

‚What are you, my owner?‛

‚Yep. Jessica, get Taeyeon home early, will you? I’m going to go impress some straight
chicks outside or something now.‛ The rest of us were left speechless as Jaewon
gallivanted about with his guitar and began playing some song that was often played
on the radio. I sighed.

‚… Why do I feel like a pet dog?‛ I asked Jessica as the girl was giggling beside me.
Jessica just poked me, but said nothing as her hand slipped down into mine.

‚That’s because you’re owned by Jessica,‛ Sooyoung teased. ‚She’s got you owned,
Kim Taeyeon. OWNED.‛ The wicked smirk Sooyoung shot me was abruptly cut off
when Jessica’s icy glare permeated the silence following Sooyoung’s remark. I only
shook my head, knowing well the rest of the girls were too afraid to comment further
because of Jessica’s look. ‚… You’re always on Taeyeon’s side, it’s not fair,‛ grumbled
Sooyoung. I could only shake my head as our group headed out to the hallway to find
our beloved lunch.

So many things had changed.

It was strange for me actually, to be so immersed in this world of friends, with the best
friends a girl could have. Sure, it was strange, and would always be somewhat foreign
to me with the concept of relying and being relied on so much. I would never truly get
used to Tiffany’s almost adulterous hugs and hand-holding, nor the glares and small
smiles Yuri sent my way both out of jealousy and gratefulness. Watching over Seohyun
and Yoona and Sooyoung was not going to be easy either, and because I was
accustomed to looking up at Boa, looking after someone younger (though I still had to
crane my neck up, ironically) was still very new. Hyoyeon and Sunny had somehow
managed to fall in pace with my distancing, and like the others, kept slowly building up
their relationship up with me.

And Jessica.
After that day in the nurse’s office, so many things had changed. Not right away, of
course. No one changes in a blink of a second. It takes time. It takes little steps. Jessica
stayed with me. Even so, I still felt uncomfortable when she or the other girls,
particularly Tiffany, got too touchy with me, as if they knew all of me. But I was slowly
learning to accept it, partly because Jessica’s glare after if I rejected any hug of hers
terrified me and Tiffany with her hugging already terrified me alone. No one, other
than Jessica, knew how complicated my former friendship with Boa was, though
Tiffany and Seohyun did know I was close to Boa’s family. It was complicated in that I
had no idea how to explain to them about any of it.

Jessica however, tells me it’ll come out of me naturally one day. Just like it did between
me and her… though a part of me knows the way I had told Jessica everything, in the
days following that day in the nurse’s office would be unique and left between just her
and me. I can’t repeat what Jessica and I did for each other this past year. No one could.
That too, was between her and me alone.

‚Lunchtime!‛ yelled Sooyoung and Yoona excitedly as they ran off, leaving the other
seven of us in the dust to watch them run off. I noticed a faint, yet hopeless smile on
Seohyun’s face as she watched her two unnies run before they came back and dragged
her off. Even if I tended to avoid being involved in their threesome, as it is so
awkwardly dubbed by Hyoyeon, I could see the way Seohyun had followed them in
resignation. Sometimes, even if we didn’t want things to happen, sometimes it just
happened.

Just like every moment in life, some things just happen.

Jessica’s brown eyes intercepted my gaze at Seohyun as she came up beside me, a faint
smile imprinted on her lips. ‚Do you want to go get lunch too, Taeyeon ah?‛ I turned
slightly to see the rest of the girls already walking ahead of us, leaving Jessica and I
behind quietly as they pulled along a hesitant Seohyun after Sooyoung and Yoona.
When my silence was held longer than it should have, Jessica’s careful gaze seemed to
be a secondhand reaction. ‚What’s wrong?‛ Jessica asked me directly.

So much had changed.

‚Do you have anything important fifth or sixth period?‛ I asked Jessica as the two of us
paced ourselves behind the stream of seven other girls rushing to the cafeteria, like two
people who had fallen out of the pace of the world and had finally caught up to all the
lost time. It was a strange thought, but I know—I knew—that I had missed a lot in the
time I kept running away after Boa’s death. Jessica pondered, her cheeks slightly puffed
out as she tried to recall her classes, making me faintly smile. It was contradicting how
Jessica scolded Sunny for her ageyo, yet Jessica seemed to have the most natural ageyo I
had ever seen in a girl.

‚No. In P.E. we’re just having free period and English—well I don’t even need to show
up to English class.‛ I shook my head in folly, before Jessica’s glare came through.
‚What?‛

‚Nothing,‛ I muttered.

‚That wasn’t nothing. Tell me.‛ Two words. It was only two words that seemed to set
off so many feelings, so many unresolved and slowly resolving feelings. ‚Tell me
everything,‛ Jessica murmured as she leaned into to whisper into my ear.

Tell me everything.

‚I was just thinking how you probably know the language better than the English
teacher,‛ I remarked with a casual smile. Jessica’s eyes cast her careful look, and again I
recognized her ‚there’s something more Kim Taeyeon, so tell me‛ face. It seemed
secondhand nature now. ‚And I was wondering… if you wanted to go somewhere with
me right now and ditch school for the rest of the day.‛ Jessica paused.

A small smile formed on her lips. ‚The rest of the girls are going to try and kill us when
they learned we ditched them,‛ Jessica mused, as she followed me, slipping away easily
from the attention of the other girls as we turned in a different direction. It would take
about a few more minutes until they noticed anyways. ‚Where are you planning to take
us?‛ Jessica asked as she and I cut across the parking lot outside our school, blending in
as best as we could with the seniors who didn’t have fifth or sixth period.

‚I want to show you where Boa and I used to live.‛ Jessica almost stopped in her tracks
surprised, before gazing at me levelly. It was not that I avoided entirely talking about
Boa anymore, but it had taken much coaxing from Jessica for me to slowly tell much of
my past with Boa. Some wounds took forever to heal. Some wounds would never truly
heal. But to ignore and ignorantly prod it open was not the answer. It was why Jessica
was patient in dealing with me.

Jessica silently followed me, her hand slipping into mine as her silent support. How
easy it was for her to do so, to take away all my fears by just a simple touch and
understand. The blue apartments across the street from the school didn’t seem so
looming then, its memories and ocean-faded blue chipped away with peeling paint. The
walls became more apparently bleached as I approached it. In all the time my eyes were
drawn to the blue roofs, I had forgotten how bare and empty the bleached walls of the
apartment complex were. The front of the apartment complex had a small black gate,
and without worrying, I knew how to open the gate without a key.

When Boa and I had been locked out of our own apartments, we learned how to open
the gate by reaching our hands blindly through the bars and playing with the latch at
the corner of the gate. Growing up, the latch always seemed to be too hard to reach, but
now that I was in high school, the latch was at a height that was not impossible.
Opening the gate and walking in for the first time in two years, I looked around the
little center yard of the apartment complex, its stone pavements and little bikes
scattered about from the neighbors. There were stairs leading up from the center of the
yard to the second floor of the apartment complex, and it was there I immediately led
Jessica up, though a part of me was scared.

There were so many memories here, dead and gone now, but just as important to me as
they were when I was younger. Part of my sickness in remembering anything related to
Boa came back, but Jessica’s hand seemed to anchor me to my sanity. It was funny…
funny how someone just simply being with you could save your life.

‚Did you used to play in here too?‛ Jessica finally asked me as I paused on the top stair,
staring about at the different surroundings. Some things, indefinitely, had changed in
this place. The little chalk writings Boa and I used to draw all over the walls had
disappeared (probably much to the landlord’s joy), and in its place were blank white
walls.

‚Yeah… before I was able to go to school, and Boa was already in school, I used to run
down the stairs to hug her when she got home,‛ I murmured as I sat down on the top
step, feeling unsteady. Jessica plopped down beside me. In that silence, I stared at the
gate from where I was sitting at the top. The sight seemed way too familiar to me. Even
as I got older, Boa often got out of school later than me, so I would sit there, waiting and
singing or something to make time go by faster.

‚Mmm… You must have loved her a lot,‛ Jessica remarked. I knew that Jessica wasn’t
pushing me to say anything further, but I felt that I had to get it out. If I didn’t… If I
never did, then I would always be forever in the same place. I would be running away
again from a ghost that was not there anymore. Jessica’s finger traced my palm gently,
speaking nonsensical phrases, but saying more than everything in my world.

It’s okay to let go.

‚The last thing she asked me, the night before she died was if I would die with her if
she died.‛ The words I said seemed to come out as a jumbled mess, yet Jessica’s
alarmed eyes as she turned to look at me made it clear Jessica had heard. ‚ ‘If I chose to
die right now, would you die with me?’ That was the last thing she ever asked me.‚ I
was silent momentarily before I murmured to Jessica the story as I recalled it. I was
afraid—who wasn’t when they opened their soul to someone? It was only because
Jessica’s head leaned against my shoulder, quietly listening, her presence the very
foundation of my support. There were so many things she and I still had to know about
each other… but this—this was the most important thing for me to let go of.

Every moment of it had seemed so trivial then between Boa and I, our playfulness with
each other and the ability to be deathly serious about life and death with each other. All
of what we had was common between us, yet looking back now, all of it, every single
word to the brief look she gave me right before I left was imprinted into my mind like a
hollow memory.

After all, it was the last time I had seen and talked to Boa.

“Unnie?” That single word had seemed so naïve and lonely in the darkness of the apartment
hallway as I closed the front door behind me. There were no sounds, and a uneasy feeling crept
underneath my skin when my bare feet walked into the familiar darkness. Even without lights, I
knew my way about this apartment. At the far end of the hallway, there was a dim light emitted
from a crack in the door—Boa’s room. Pushing open the door slowly, my eyes landed on the
petite girl curled up with her chin on her knees on her bed, her back against the wall.

I said nothing momentarily as her brown eyes lifted from her knees up to meet mine. She had
been crying—her eyes said it all to me. There were no words exactly to describe how I felt when I
saw Boa crying, pent up and curled up like that. It was not new—but it might as well have been
me crying as well.

“You’re crying,” I simply commented.

“No duh, Sherlock.”

“My, what a tone for your best friend.”

“Your mouth.” I narrowed my eyes at her, before Boa shrugged, our usual banter dying down as
it fit into our ever-unexplainable friendship like a missing puzzle piece. I stared past Boa outside,
the glow of the sun outside the essence of abstract difference between what I felt in this room with
her and the happy day I had been experiencing with Tiffany at school. The happy grin Tiffany
had given me before we parted, each of us with the upcoming SM Town concert tickets in hand,
was faded and nonexistent in this room. The dim light of the room was nothing…nothing at all
to that genuine happiness outside.

“Unnie, let’s go outside. We can sneak out and get some ice cream or something before our
parents come home from work,” I suggested kindly as I sat down at her feet, my eyes looking up
at her eyes as she stared down at me. I didn’t know what was going on in her mind whatsoever—
her eyes were dark, guarded, and I knew something had gone very wrong. Was it her parents?
Was it school? Or what?

I wanted to ask her all of those, yet nothing came to my lips. They were her problems, after all.

“Taeyeon ah, you’re my best friend, right?” The words seemed to hang in a suspended deathly
silence as Boa stared at me, expressionless.

“Of course unnie. You and me—best friends, even with all that’s going on in the world.” I
blinked momentarily, as I saw a flicker of emotion—was it hesitation or worry? However, that
moment too, seemed non-existent as Boa reached out to hold my hand by her feet.

“You have your own life though, right?”

“Yes—but—“

‚Taeyeon, if I chose to die right now, would you die with me?‛

I blinked. My body had completely numbed out, and I was left in a still silence. Questions about
death and life were normal between us—questions about our friendship were even more common.
The question she had just asked me fell into both categories of our constant unexplainable
friendship, yet—

Life was meant to be lived, wasn’t it? If I died—If I died, wouldn’t that have made what my
mother gave me pointless? Why must it either be life or death? Some people died without ever
having a chance to live. Some people lived without ever truly having lived—dead in
life. Then what Boa and I had—what we always used to tease each other about—did that make
us cruel for playing around in life and death? If people died… if I died what was happiness?

Surely God didn’t mean for us to just die without living.

“We have a purpose somewhere, in this life, don’t we unnie? You and I once said that. That we
would find our purpose—even if it’s nothing, even if we were meant to only die anyways…
There’s so much to live for, unnie. I want to believe that. I want to believe there’s a reason that
I’m living—whether it’s for someone else, or simply just to live. There’s too much out there,
smiles and little moments to live for, to let go of. I… don’t want to die yet. I would not, unnie,
then, die with you. Not with so much to live for.”

My energy had been spent, and I avoided Boa’s eyes as I got up. There was nothing left to say
today, not when I was tired of Boa and her dark outlook in life—my world too had been painted
blue with her eyes. I was tired, and I knew it would take awhile for us to fix this again. The two
of us often had arguments, but they typically were childish and over trivial things. This,
however, was real. It was a true test against our friendship and how different we were. This
was where Boa and I separated. Time would come back and heal it, I believed, just like all our
other disagreements.

But—time goes by and sometimes can never heal the heaviest scars.

I heard a bare whisper as I left her room, so quiet and lonely that I almost hadn’t heard.

“Goodbye Taeyeon ah.”

‚I thought… I thought it was another one of her questions about life and death. It’s
funny looking back now, but I had this innocent concept that all people lived well,
fought for their dreams, and then made it… then lived happily ever after. The last thing
I told her was that I wouldn’t die with her because there was so much to live for.‛
Jessica was quiet as I propped my chin on my palm. ‚When my best friend asked me to
stay with her, I left. When I waited for my best friend, she left… And I know, I know
that this is not the truth, but I can’t help but think it’s all my fault. Boa must’ve hated
me when she died.‛

‚When Boa died, the last thing on her mind was probably… how she was finally alone,‛
I murmured. ‚Growing up, she and I only had each other. Well, I mean we had Jaewon
and Jaejoong and occasionally Yeon Hee, but in this small apartment complex where it
was just us two growing up… we had problems with our families, and we knew about
each other’s problems. We were practically inseparable. Yet even in the end, I was the
one who told her I wouldn’t die with her… She must’ve hated me.‛

If I had stayed… would it all have been different?

‚Do you remember when you told me why you always held onto that photo?‛ Jessica
suddenly murmured to me. ‚You told me you couldn’t let go of it, Taengoo. You said
that it was the last thing Boa had in her hand—not the knife she used to cut herself, not
her precious necklace, not her phone—just this picture. It was the only picture you and
her ever took at the beach. That’s what you told me.‛ I nodded, unsure of where she
was going with this idea.

‚That photo… isn’t it your last remaining trace of Boa in your life?‛

‚…‛

‚Maybe… just maybe, Boa believed the last reason to stay here in this world—you—
would be okay without her. The way she asked it was clearly whether you or not would
try to kill yourself if she wasn’t here anymore,‛ Jessica murmured to me. My breathing
stopped for four seconds, lost upon me as Jessica’s fingers tenderly went from drawing
in my palm to latching into my hand.

‚Don’t make me hope, Jessica,‛ I replied coldly before I could take it back. Jessica’s eyes
flickered up to meet mine, shrugging, but I could see the cautious look. I knew she was
a little hurt at my reaction (her eyes said it all), but there was an innate determination
that even my pessimism couldn’t tear away from her. This innate strength that even her
ice princess façade, her tears, and smiles couldn’t hide trademarked itself in my
memory as who Jessica was.

‚Hope? You don’t know why she killed herself either… But she loved you. Never ever
get that wrong. Maybe she was done with her life—maybe she wanted to know that
you’ll be okay—maybe she was upset enough just to kill herself—regardless, she loved
you.‛ Jessica’s cold words slipped into my heart, an ironic heat that seemed to touch
upon all the scars I had left hidden.

‚I can’t forget…‛

‚Then don’t. Sometimes… sometimes we truly never let go of something, but we learn
to move on with the hole they left behind,‛ Jessica murmured to me. ‚You are who you
are because of Boa. For that, I don’t hate her. Because… without her, I wouldn’t have
you.‛ My eyes flickered to Jessica’s faded expression, before smiling faintly. I knew
when I brought this up, Jessica would worry. At one point, I too was where Jessica was,
looking into a soul of someone who was a mess. I could disappear any moment, like
Boa had. But there was one big difference—one difference that changed everything.

‚That’s true,‛ I replied softly. ‚Someday, I’ll think back and not feel the pain from this
anymore, not because the pain doesn’t exist, but because I’ve gotten used to this scar
Boa left behind with me. But… a little bird once told me that it’s better to let it out, to let
myself cry and get out whatever I’m feeling hurt about inside. This little bird—‚

‚Yah,‛ Jessica’s cold voice cut through my little monologue. ‚I am not a little bird. And
you’re self-complimenting yourself by quoting me saying what you told me!‛

‚Because I’m awesome,‛ I retorted cheekily before Jessica pushed me, laughing. ‚No,
but Jessica, you should know this… you…‛ Thinking about what I was about to say
next, it sounded strange. How do you say to someone something like ‚Hey, you saved
me,‛? Sounds strange, but I didn’t know how to express it. Jessica must have seen me
struggling to grasp proper words, because she smiled at me before doing something I
had not expected whatsoever.

Jessica pecked me on the cheek.

She pecked me on the cheek.

My cheek.

My pretty gorgeous cheek.

Oh my—

‚YAH!‛ I yelled as Jessica burst out laughing.

‚That will suffice as my thank you,‛ Jessica teased me as she propped her chin on the
palm of her hand, blinking innocently at me. ‚And you’re beet red right now.‛ I was
unable to find any appropriate words about my feelings as I stood up, stepping a step
down the stairs as I glared at her. Jessica was taking great delights in my flustered state,
but even so, I saw the true smile that she showed me underneath her smirk. Even
underneath her ice princess façade, Jessica’s smile was true and clear.

‚Stand up,‛ I ordered Jessica. The cold look Jessica shot me made me immediately add
‚Please?‛ The brunette hesitantly got up, watching me cautiously as she peered down
from the top step at me. Even though she said nothing, I could see the worry faintly
hidden behind her eyes. It was priceless. I took ahold of both her hands, smiling as I
gazed up at her.

To have someone worry about me in spite of everything. To have someone who could
understand me so well—and the fact that I had taken my chances to trust her. The
feeling was beyond bliss.

To have someone love me this way—I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Quite frankly, we were awkward, and we always will be, as someone who knows the
darkest parts of each other’s souls. Jessica is insecure about who she is, yet when it
comes to me, she knows more than anything else. I am insecure about trusting others,
yet when it comes to Jessica, there’s something that I can’t explain about how well I
trust her. I don’t take back anything she and I have done to get here to this point as
loosely interpreted best friends.

Jessica loves me despite everything.

That’s more than enough for anything.

My toes pointed as I raised my heels, reaching on my tippy-toes to peck Jessica quickly

on the lips in a sloppy kiss. Jessica’s pale face flushed completely as I turned around,
grinning at her. ‚Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for trying…and
loving me even more than I deserve to be loved.‛ Jessica blinked, her cheeks flushed,
before an embarrassed and grateful smile came on her face. Even without words, we
know what this step meant for the both of us. This change would only bring more of the
drama, yet beautiful feelings, associated with being something more than best friends,
but for today… I grinned as I slapped Jessica’s butt before running away.

‚Thank you, Sica,‛ I yelled as I dashed away, only to have a dolphin-screamed Jessica
chase after me.

‚You—YOU BYUNTAE!‛ screamed Jessica, her expression the epitome of the Greek
goddess Hera in one of her rages. ‚You—YOU JUST HAD TO RUIN THE MOMENT
DIDN’T YOU?!‛

I thought I was scary in my depressions.

I was wrong.

Jessica in angry goddess mode is much much scarier than death.

Not that I would have her any other way.

I had pushed through believing forever didn’t exist, but when I came into Jaejoong’s
class that day, that strange day when I had met Jessica, a part of me, once, or twice, or
many times since then… has wanted to believe otherwise. I will never truly forgive
myself for what happened to Boa, even though I know it was not my fault. Being
helpless as such though, leaves deep impressions on me. However, like Jessica says, the
heart learns to live on in spite of a scar over it. I will have more scars someday. Scars,
with life, are unavoidable. But as life is, we live on despite of our hopeless woes.

Boa and I were a step away from being very much like each other. If I had gone on, I
wonder how long it would’ve been before I too faded into nonexistence. I sometimes go
back and look at how much could’ve been different if she had let it all out. She always
had me—that still hasn’t changed. Keeping it pent up all inside for so long, it chips a
person away from the inside. That much I know from the past few years of my life.
Sooner or later, we crack from this pressure we put on ourselves.

Jessica had pulled me out from this ocean I fell into before I had let myself completely
drown.

I had let it all out, into Jessica alone. That too, was more than enough as my breath of air
to let me swim back to land with Jessica. Far below in that ocean, in a place I couldn’t
reach her anymore, Boa was gone. I knew that much. I wish it desperately that it were
different, that somehow Boa would have grabbed my hand even while she was
drowning and kept holding on even when it seemed like I was letting go.

Let go of everything.

Sometimes, just simply, letting go was our only option though.

I still don’t always believe forever exists—at some point we have to die, at some point,
all things have an end. Some people die before the finish line is in sight. That is a point,
a scar, I will always seem to carry. However, there are some things that have made me
want to believe otherwise.

Do I believe Jessica and I will always be together? I don’t know. Someday, in the far
future, maybe we will be each other’s scars, but there is one thing that I can never take
back. And that is something that I do believe exists forever.

What Jessica did for me… and what I did for Jessica… touching upon our darkest scars
like that, we did something that no one else will ever be likely to do for us. Jessica saved
me. That is as simply and bluntly as I can put it: Jessica saved me. Loving me and trying
no matter what to understand me… that is something far deeper than I can ever explain
properly. Even if something goes wrong, what Jessica did for me has left me forever
promised to her as her best friend for life.

It’s strange, isn’t it? How one person can change so much of what you believe in. I don’t
believe in forever, yet Jessica makes me want to believe.

I don’t believe in a lot of things, but I believe in Jessica.

And that—that person, screaming behind me and badgering me about my personality, I

would not have any other way.

With that thought, a bird flew overhead as I dashed out of the gate, Jessica still
shrieking after me. Blinking, I watched as the lone sparrow flutter away, disappearing
into the distance of the horizon. The bird was but a small fleck in the distance, a symbol
of something that I had once forgotten.

“I wish I knew how to fly,” I complained to Boa as the two of us were sitting in front of the
apartment complex. “Birds have it easy… I’m as close to the ground as I can be…”

“Yeah, considering how short you are,” Boa teased.

“You’re as short as me!” I retorted. Boa sighed, shaking her head while glaring at me. Her arm
looped around my shoulder as we gazed at a pair of sparrows fluttering about in the street in
front of our apartment complex.

“I wish I knew how to fly too, but that’s not we’re meant to do. We’re given feet for a reason,”
Boa murmured to me. “We keep running—and running, until we reach our goal. Birds might
get to their goal ten times faster than us, but we’re running there with the same effort as they
flap their wings.” I blinked, before looking down at my feet, my small feet that never seemed to
last me long enough to run more than a mile.

“That’s life, right?” I asked Boa. Boa blinked, before turning to look at me. “That’s our way of
flying. By going on—by running to our purpose. To find our purpose, or something like that,
right?” Boa laughed, before ruffling my hair.

“Yeah kiddo. That’s our way of flying: living.”

I smiled, coming to a stop as I stared at the bird until it wasn’t seeable anymore.

‚Bye, Boa unnie,‛ I whispered, before Jessica came crashing into me, nearly knocking
me over. Jessica’s red face was quite a sight, but I could only shake my head before
snaking my arms around Jessica’s body and hugging her. My grasp around her
shoulders and neck surprised her, and all that anger was forgotten as Jessica hugged me
back.

‚What’s wrong?‛ Jessica asked me as she felt a tear drop on her arm. Her voice was
alarmed. I was probably seeming so emotional and flippantly changing moods, yet I
couldn’t explain it.

‚I’m just flying,‛ I murmured. Jessica was left stumped, as I let go of her embrace. Her
hand reached for mine, and I accepted, as we kept walking, silently. I could see the
strange expression on Jessica’s face as she was trying to comprehend what I had just
said. The expression changed quite a few times, her lips trying to find the correct words
to form.

‚Flying… like a bird?‛ Jessica asked finally. I smiled.

‚Something like that.‛

‚…Why are you such a kid?‛

‚You love me ‘cause I am this way. Crazy, C-R-A-Z-E-E, I tell you,‛ I spelled out for
Jessica teasingly. Jessica’s expression went stolid, before cracking up.

‚C-R-A-Z-Y, Taengoo. Crazy.‛

‚Same difference,‛ I snorted.

‚You’re not telling me something,‛ Jessica replied suspiciously. My lips curved up

again, forming my trademark crescent smile as I saw the familiar look Jessica had. It
was her tell-tale sign of a request she would make of me. Quite simply, it was Jessica’s
‚there’s something more Kim Taeyeon, so tell me‛ face, a facial expression of Jessica’s
that seemed to always make me smile nowadays.

‚Tell me everything.‛

And despite everything, I wouldn’t have Jessica and myself any other way.