About disrespectful behaviour in teenagers

Sometimes you might feel that interactions with your child all seem a bit like this:

 You – ‘How’s that book project going?’

 Your child – ‘Why are you checking up on me? Don’t you trust me? I always get
good marks, so why ask me about it?’
 You – ‘I was only asking. I just wanted to know if you’re going OK with it ...’
 Your child – ‘Sure you were ... mumble, mumble, mumble.’

As a parent, you might feel hurt, worried and unsure about what’s happened when you
have conversations like this. Your child used to value your interest or input, but now it
seems that even simple conversations turn into arguments.

There are reasons for your child’s behaviour. And there’s also good news: this phase
will usually pass.

Disrespect: where does it come from?

Not all teenagers are rude or disrespectful, but some disrespect is a normal part of
teenage growth and development.

This is partly because your child is learning to express and test out his own independent
ideas, so there will be times when you disagree. Developing independence is a key part
of growing up  and a good sign that your child is trying to take more responsibility. But
he’s also still learning about how to handle disagreement and differing opinions
appropriately.

Also, your child’s moods can change quickly. Because of how teenage brains develop,
your child isn’t always able to handle her changing feelings and reactions to everyday or
unexpected things. And this can sometimes lead to over-sensitivity, which can lead in
turn to grumpiness or rudeness.

Sometimes disrespectful behaviour might also be a sign that your child is feeling
particularly stressed or worried.

And teenagers are starting to think in a deeper way than they did a few years earlier,
and they can have thoughts and feelings they’ve never had before. Some young people
seem to burst into the world with a conflicting and radical view on everything. This shift
to deeper thinking is a normal part of development too.

No matter how grumpy or cross your child gets, he still values time talking
and connecting with you. You just might need to be a little more understanding if he’s
short-tempered or changeable. It can help to remember that this phase will usually
pass.

Handling your teenage child’s disrespectful behaviour

Tips for discipline

 Set clear rules about behaviour and communication. For example, you could say,
‘We speak respectfully in our family. This means we don’t call people names’.
Involving your child in discussions about rules means you can later remind her
that she helped make the rules, and that she agreed to them.
 Focus on your child’s behaviour and how you feel about it. Avoid any comments
about your child’s personality or character. Instead of saying, ‘You’re rude’, try
something like, ‘I feel hurt when you speak like that to me’. It’s OK to occasionally
say clearly how you’re feeling – ‘I’m feeling furious with you just now. You’d feel
the same’.
 Set and use consequences, but try not to set too many. At times, it might be
appropriate to use consequences for things like rudeness, swearing or name-
calling.

Tips for communication

 Stay calm. This is important if your child reacts with ‘attitude’ to a discussion.
Stop, take a deep breath, and continue calmly with what you wanted to say.
 Use humour. A shared laugh can break a stalemate, bring a new perspective or
lighten the tone of a conversation. Being lighthearted can also help take the heat
out of a situation – but avoid mocking, ridiculing or being sarcastic.
 Ignore your child’s shrugs, raised eyes and bored looks if he’s generally
behaving the way you’d like him to.
 Check your understanding. Sometimes teenagers are disrespectful without
meaning to be rude. A useful response can be something like, ‘That comment
came across as pretty offensive. Did you mean to behave rudely?’.
 Give your child descriptive praise when she communicates in a positive way.
When you have a positive interaction, point this out to your child. This lets her
know you’re aware of and value her opinions.

Tips for relationships

 Be a role model. When you’re with your child, try to speak and act the way you
want your child to speak and act towards you.  For example, if you swear a lot
your child might find it difficult to understand why it’s not OK for him to swear.
 If there’s a lot of tension between you and your child, another adult you know and
trust, like an aunt, uncle or family friend, might be able to support your child
through this period. Involving someone like this can be a great way to ease the
strain.
  Check in with your child to make sure there’s nothing that’s making her feel
particularly stressed or worried.

Things to avoid with teenage disrespect

Arguing rarely works for parents or teenagers. When we get angry, we can say things
we don’t mean. A more effective approach is to give yourself and your child some time
to calm down.

If you’re angry or in the middle of an argument, it will be hard to calmly discuss what

you expect of your child. A more effective approach is to tell your child that you want to
talk, and agree on a time.

Being defensive is very rarely useful. Try not to take things personally. It might help to
remind yourself that your child is trying to assert his independence.

Even though you have more life experience than your child, lecturing her about how to
behave is likely to turn her off listening. If you want your child to listen to you, you might
need to spend time actively listening to her.

Nagging isn’t likely to have much effect. It might increase your frustration, and your
child will probably just switch off.

Sarcasm will almost certainly create resentment and increase the distance between
you and your child.

When to be concerned about teenage disrespect

If your child’s attitude towards you and your family doesn’t respond to any of the
strategies suggested above, it might be a warning sign that there’s a deeper problem.

You might also be worried if there are changes in your child’s attitude or mood, if he
withdraws from family, friends or usual activities, or if he runs away from home or stops
going to school regularly.

If you’re concerned about your child’s behaviour, here are some things you can do:

 Consider seeking professional support – good people to talk to include school

counsellors, teachers and your GP.
 Discuss the issue as a family, to work out ways of supporting each other.
 Talk to other parents and find out what they do.

Looking after yourself, especially your physical and emotional wellbeing, can help you
stay calm and consistent when things get tough. Friends and family can be a great
source of support, as can parents of other teenagers.
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Discipline strategies for teenagers
It's possible to get your teenager to help keep the house clean -- it
just takes patience.
By R. Morgan Griffin
FROM THE WEBMD ARCHIVES
What’s the biggest source of conflict with your teenage son or daughter? For many parents, it’s
not dating or broken curfews or bad grades – it’s cleaning.
For them, the most ferocious arguments will typically have a mundane source -- a wet coat
thrown on the couch, a backpack left in the middle of the hallway. Your teens get sick of being
nagged; you get sick of nagging. Even after the fight ends, a cold war ensues -- weeks of
dramatic sighs, surly stares, and eye rolling.
Some parents give up on the cleaning battle, despairing of ever getting their kids to pick up after
themselves. Others start up a campaign of constant aggression, with lots of demands and threats
and yelling. Neither approach is likely to help things much, says Charles Wibbelsman, MD,
chairman of the chiefs of adolescent medicine for Kaiser Permanente of Northern California and
co-author of The Teenage Body Book.
The good news is that Wibbelsman and other experts say that raising a clean teen – or at least a
not-excessively-sloppy teen -- is possible. It will take some forethought and consistency on your
part, and perhaps some changes in your behavior and expectations. But done right, the payoff is
big: a better relationship with your teen and a cleaner home.

Raising a Clean Teen: Changing Expectations

Many parents just don’t understand why cleaning house has to be such a big deal. Why is it so
hard for a teenager to pick up a towel from the bathroom floor, after all? But it’s not just about
the towel, or the dirty dishes, or the unmade bed. Wibbelsman says that there’s often a pretty
basic reason behind conflicts over cleaning.
“Your kids are growing up,” he tells WebMD. “Your kids aren’t just kids anymore.” They’re a
few years from adulthood and they’re desperate for more independence. The parent-child
relationship that worked pretty well for so long is now feeling a little constrictive.
So what can you do, now that your authority might not carry the weight it once did? You might
need to give your kids more of the control that they want, Wibbelsman says. But you also need to
tie that adult freedom with a sense of adult responsibility. That’s the exchange.
“Parents need to respect an adolescent’s need for independence and individuality,” says
Wibbelsman. “But adolescents need to have some respect for their parents’ ground rules. It is
their house, after all.”
So you impose some standards and requirements, while also granting your teens more control
over how their rooms look, or how they dress, or what bumper stickers they put on their cars.
Allowing them more self-expression and self-determination could really help them feel happier,
improve your relationship, and make it easier to agree on cleaning issues.
CONTINUE READING BELOW
Does Your Child Rely on Wishful Thinking?
How to Motivate Him toward Attainable
Goals
By Sara Bean, M.Ed.

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Recently I met with a 15-year-old boy to talk about his future. He was getting into
trouble at school and on the brink of failing all his subjects. When we discussed his
career goals, he stated that he wanted to be a mixed martial arts pro or a firefighter.
Had he taken any classes related to this goal, such as Karate? No. Did he have any
plans to? Not at all. Was he involved in a junior firefighters program? No chance. He
seemed to think he was so awesome and strong that one of these things would just
happen when the time was right.

Look at it this way: when children aren’t held accountable for putting in the
effort to reach their goals, or even to simply meet their responsibilities, most
will be perfectly okay with doing the bare minimum to get by.
Parents get frustrated with their child’s wishful thinking, procrastinating and apparent
lack of motivation because very often, kids aren’t putting in the effort to achieve the
goals they’re expressing.  As the old saying goes, “A goal without a plan is just a wish.”
It’s also a ripe area for power struggles. You might have responded to your child by
pushing, nagging and threatening in hopes of getting him to do something, anything that
will get him moving in the right direction. Chances are, the more you push your child to
work for a goal, the more he digs his heels in and resists you. As resistance increases,
so does your anxiety about your child’s future. The family anxiety cycle is set into
motion.
Passing Phase or Lifetime Habit?
It’s important to understand that kids don’t engage in wishful thinking on purpose.
Rather, it’s a type of thinking error that occurs naturally in children and adults alike.
Here’s an example of my own personal wishful thinking, just so you can see how this
plays out in the adult world: I frequently tell myself “I’m going to start saving more
money” or “I’m going to open a new retirement account this year” but then I don’t put in
the work to back it up. Whether you’re a child or an adult, wishing thinking is a false
belief about yourself that “It will just all work out” and without any real plan or effort on
your part. Someone who is engaging in wishful thinking might also let themselves off the
hook by saying, “There’s plenty of time to work this out. I don’t have to worry about it
right now.”

The key to combatting faulty thinking is having experiences that challenge it. By the time
we reach adulthood, we have the experience to know the difference between a goal and
a wish, and to recognize when what we’re doing isn’t helping us to propel toward our
goals. In kids, the “magic” behind wishful thinking becomes the vehicle for success
rather than hard work and dedication to a goal, and they have a more limited ability to
recognize this than we do as adults.

While wishful thinking can be challenged, I personally believe that it has the potential to
cause children to fall into some poor habits that can be hard to break when it’s time to
get into the “real world,” where doing nothing isn’t getting them anywhere. Look at it this
way: when children aren’t held accountable for putting in the effort to reach their goals,
or even to simply meet their responsibilities, most will be perfectly okay with doing the
bare minimum to get by. Children and teens need to be held accountable for doing
things that they don’t want to do and that are challenging to them so they can learn the
value of hard work and perseverance. This will help them to succeed when time is up on
the wish clock and it’s time to get to work on a career that is realistic for them.

As James Lehman states, you gain self-esteem by working hard and doing things that
are difficult for you to do. Also, if kids don’t work at things and struggle and fail, how will
they see the connection between hard work and feeling good? It’s never too late if the
motivation is really there—along with the realization that sitting back and waiting for
things to happen isn’t working.

How to Challenge Wishful Thinking

I truly believe that you must hold strong to the fact that your child’s dream of being an
actress or professional basketball player does not give them a free pass to slack off
during their K-12 or college years.  It’s important to support your child’s dreams and
offer ways to explore and develop their talents and interests while at the same time
providing a firm structure at home that holds her accountable to the academic standards
you expect her to achieve.

In addition, parents can challenge this wishful thinking in their children by letting them
know (without lecturing) that it’s very normal for teens, as well as adults of all ages, to
change their mind at least a few times when choosing a career. This is the reason why
they still need to participate actively and responsibly in their education and why you
have the rules and standards that you do.

What’s most effective, though, is for parents to coach and educate their children. You
can do this through some basic research, and then teach your child how to set a goal.
The last piece of the puzzle is to establish some guidelines for goal progress-
monitoring.

Here are the steps in more detail.

1. Research and Explore. If the goal you want to set is related to your child’s
general participation in homework or how he treats others in the home, go ahead
and skip to point 2 below. Otherwise, it might help to talk to your child about her
wishes and dreams and help her to learn more about her areas of interest by
doing internet searches. The Occupational Outlook Handbook (OOH) is an
excellent website operated by the federal government that gives very detailed
information about the kind of training required for a job, as well as the work
environment, salary, and general outlook for the profession. Be careful not to
dwell on this for hours at a time. Try to make it a fun thing that is more about
exploring both of your interests rather than a chore or punishment. In other
words, look up your job or a job you used to dream of as a teen. And fear not—
the OOH paints an incredibly realistic picture of common career idols such as
athletes and actors—for example, the median hourly wage for an actor is less
than $18/hour—good information for an aspiring starlet to know!
 2. Set a goal. Ask your child to set a goal that is related to an area of interest or a
change you would like to see in his behavior. Remember that children, even in
adolescence, can have a difficult time setting goals on their own. If your child
doesn’t even want to do any homework at all, start small. Your child should
contribute when establishing the plan and the incentives.

As a school guidance counselor, when I help my students with goal-setting, they

often start off with an action plan that includes something vague like “I’ll work
harder.” That’s great, but it doesn’t have enough substance to carry your child
through to the finish line. I help my students by asking, “When you’re working
harder, what will I see you doing that will tell me you are working harder?” Goals
need to have an action plan that is specific, observable, measurable, and
realistic.

To ensure the plan is specific, make sure your child can answer the 5W+H
questions: who, what, when, where, why, and how? If it’s observable, that means
you can see the plan in action and you will notice a change in your child’s
behavior. For the plan to be measurable means you could use numbers to show
a change, such as increased time studying or participating in activities, or higher
grades. Realistic means that the plan is within the child’s abilities—you will know
best whether the goal would be attainable for your child if your child were to put
in the necessary work. Above all else, keep the plan very simple. Often there will
be several steps involved that take place over a long period of time. To avoid
overwhelming your child, identify the very first step your child needs to take and
start there. Then move forward one step at a time. For example, if your child
wants to be a professional musician, perhaps you work on practicing daily. If your
child’s goal is related to a certain school subject, the goal could be to spend an
extra 15 minutes studying that subject each day. For some of you the goal will
simply be to do the homework for once. Again, keep it simple and don’t go
overboard here.

3. Monitor the goal. Once you and your child have decided what she will be
working on, it could help to have it in writing. I would also recommend setting up
regular progress-monitoring meetings to talk about how it’s going. What part of
the plan is working and what part isn’t? What might your child need to do
differently to move forward? If your child is putting in effort and making some
progress, you might choose to reward her after a weekly check-in. Keep the
rewards simple, affordable, and varied to keep her interest and preserve your
resources so that you can continue to affirm her efforts.

How Will I Know It’s Working?

The answer to this is simple. Again, if your child’s goal and action plan are specific,
observable, measurable, and realistic, you will either see your child putting in the effort
or not. If your child is still in couch-potato mode, you might want to double check your
daily routine and make sure you have some structure in place that holds your child
 accountable for meeting her responsibilities and working toward her goal, such as
electronics getting turned off until she’s studied for a certain amount of time. And
remember, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Very few people go from living a normal life to
being on the cover of magazines overnight. The emphasis should not be on perfection
or making large leaps and bounds. The focus should be on helping your child to be a
student first, and a student of her dream profession second. We’re looking for simple,
small changes that will add up over time and help your child to learn to be realistic and
responsible.

Show Comments (0)

About Sara Bean, M.Ed.

Sara Bean, M.Ed. is a certified school counselor and former Empowering Parents
Parent Coach with over 10 years of experience working with children and families. She
is also a proud mom.
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  
What’s the alternative? If you insist on controlling things
too tightly, your teens could feel like you’re stifling their
personalities. That could poison your relationship and --
obviously -- make them fiercely resistant to working with
you on keeping things clean around the house.

Teen Cleaning Tips

So what are some of the ways you can put this philosophy
into practice? Here are some ideas.

 Adjust your expectations. Face it: you won’t be

able to get your teens to do all the chores you want
them to do. In fact, the more tasks you pile on, the
less likely they’ll do any of them, says Tanya Remer
Altmann, MD,a pediatrician and author of Mommy
Calls and The Wonder Years.
So decide what’s really essential to you and what
you’re willing to let slide. “Maybe your teen is refusing
to make her bed every day and you’re always fighting
about it,” says Altmann. “You might want to take a
step back.” Does a made bed really matter to you that
much? Maybe not. However, some other tasks – like
bringing dirty dishes to the sink – could be absolute
requirements in your book.
 Come to an agreement. Once you know what you
want, sit down and talk. “Negotiate with your teen a
little,” says Altmann. “Come up with a cleaning plan
that both parent and teen are comfortable with.”
Sure, it might not be either party’s ideal, but it’s
better than the never-ending argument.
 Be absolutely clear. Don’t make the mistake of
assuming that your kids will know what you mean
when you say, “Clean your room.” What qualifies as
 “clean,” exactly? Picked up? Vacuumed and dusted?
Or just a bit less disgusting than it is now? The answer
might seem obvious to you – it might seem like
common sense -- but it might not be to them.
“If you were hiring a new employee, you wouldn’t just
tell them, ‘Do a good job,’” says Wibbelsman. “You’d
have a job description. You’d have a list of specific
objectives.” It’s no different when you’re talking to
your kids about their cleaning responsibilities,
Wibbelsman says. You need to come up with a list of
specifics. That way, you all know exactly what “clean”
means – and there’s less room for miscommunication
and argument.
 Have sensible consequences. So what happens if
your kids don’t clean up as they’re supposed to? There
have to be consequences. Don’t make up new
punishments on the spot when you’re angry. You’ll
probably regret it. Make the repercussions predictable
and consistent. Sticking to the tried-and-true is fine,
Wibbelsman says. Dock their allowance. Set earlier
curfews. Take away car privileges.
What if that doesn’t work? What if after all that, your
kids still won’t clean their messy rooms? Wibbelsman
has a suggestion. Explain to your teens that since
they won’t clean their rooms, you’ll hire someone to
do it – and pay for it out of their allowance.
 Require basic hygiene. Some teens are pretty
careful with their appearance and hygiene because
they don’t want to stand out at school, says Altmann.
But others don’t seem to care – something that’s
especially common with teenage boys, Wibbelsman
says.
You might be uncertain how to broach the issue, since
 you don’t want to knock your teens’ self-esteem. But
experts say that it’s OK to set some minimum hygiene
standards – like showering daily and wearing clean
clothes -- as part of their household responsibilities. If
your kids don’t, the usual punishments apply.
 Be a good example. Want your kids to clean up their
act? Clean up yours first. “If one of the parents is
slovenly and doesn’t provide a good example,” says
Wibbelsman, “how can you expect the teen to be
conscientious about keeping things clean?”
 Don’t micromanage. Give your teens a task and a
deadline. Then back off and let them accomplish it in
their own way. So when your son’s doing yard work,
don’t keep butting in with leaf-raking tips. Don’t keep
pushing your daughter, for her own sake, to get her
laundry out of the way first thing in the morning.
Sure, you mean well. But you’re getting involved
when you don’t need to be, and probably driving your
kids nuts – which could make for some unnecessary
conflict.
 Keep your cool. So your son told you – five times! –
that he would take out the garbage. But he didn’t, and
the trashcans are now overflowing and buzzing with
flies. Sure, you’re angry. But try not to let anger
dictate what you do next. As much as you can, you
want to stick to the responsibilities and repercussions
that you’ve worked out with your teen. Keeping things
predictable will make it less personal and less heated.
 Don’t be mean. “Parents have to be careful not to
get negative,” says Wibbelsman. “Don’t start
demeaning your kid, calling her a slob all the time.
That doesn’t work.” Instead, you need to help build
 your teens’ self-image, and to encourage basic
cleanliness as a sign of self-respect.
 Consider the larger issues. If you tell your teens
that you’re making them wash your car to “build their
character,” that probably won’t go over well. But
remember that requiring your teens to clean up
around the house isn’t only about your personal desire
to have a neat living room.
“There’s a larger purpose to getting your kids to clean
up after themselves,” says Wibbelsman. “Parents are
teaching their kids an important lesson about
respecting other people and other people’s property.”
Keeping things tidy really will matter when they’re
adults.
“In a few years, these adolescents will be on their own
and dating,” says Wibbelsman. “They’ll have
roommates. They need to know how to clean up after
themselves.” Treating your teens seriously – and
talking about how their behavior will affect their adult
lives – might really help the conversation, Wibbelsman
says.

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