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Robert N. Johansen Ph.D.
A New GPS for Intimate Relationships

RELATIONSHIPS

Why Relationships Fail

Poor personal need management could explain relationship
failure.
Posted October 30, 2022 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

KEY POINTS

Relationships often fail, frequently with unhealthy consequences to our

emotional and physical health.
Poor personal need management can explain relationship failure.
"Need Management Therapy" offers a new treatment approach to good
personal need management.

Without question, the intimate

relationship is complex, difficult, and
challenging, so not surprisingly, it
often fails.

When it does, it can devastate us

Source: Kelly-Sikkema/Unsplash
intimate partner ranks higher.
not only emotionally, but physically Relationships Essential
as well. In fact, divorce and Reads
separation rank No. 2 on the all-time
list of stressors. Only the death of an
3 Big Relationship
Mistakes on "Love Is Blind"

A Statistical Nightmare
Quagmire: The Joy and
Heartache of Relationships
The statistics on relationship loss are very sobering, if not shocking. To illustrate,
one marriage dies every 36 seconds. The failure rate for first marriages is
roughly 48% (National Center for Health Statistics). And despite its rising Are You High in Moral
Development? Do You
popularity, cohabitation is not the answer; sadly, unmarried couples who "partner Love?
up" fail at a slightly higher rate. Nor do these dismal statistics suggest that
couples who survive—the nondivorced, or unseparated—bask in a heavenly bliss Couples and the Body
of warm, untroubled togetherness. Doubtless, an inestimable number of Language of Love
relationships hang fragilely by a thread, or are flimsy, moribund unions barely
alive for questionable reasons of family, social, religious pressures, or from fears
2 Essentials for a Secure
of economic or emotional loss, or, the classic, "for the sake of the children." and Stable Relationship

This is bad news, but it gets worse ADVERTISEMENT

At best, the marriage or cohabitation survival rate approximates a coin flip.

Alarmingly, couples who marry for a second and third time split up at
stratospheric levels: 60% for second marriages and 70% for the third round of
nuptials. A famed English writer, Samuel Johnson, once quipped, "Remarriage is
the triumph of hope over experience!" And worse, most afflicted couples rarely
seek counseling, and regrettably, when they do, it often comes too late when
their relationships teeter on a dangerous precipice or have already gone over it.

An embarrassing paradox

Ironically, even marriage counselors separate and divorce at roughly the national
average, and according to some studies, at an even higher rate. And, to pile
irony atop irony, a significant number of them don't seek treatment. Imagine, the
very professionals charged with the sacrosanct duties of protecting the health
and vitality of our closest relationships, suffer the same or similar injuries to their
relationships, the same failure rate, and many don't seek treatment.

However, in defense of our beleaguered colleagues, I strongly believe these

bewildering statistics reflect the inherent complexities, difficulties, and
challenges of the intimate relationship as well as the glaring need for new,
innovative, and effective treatment models and strategies.

A quick sidebar
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Of course, every relationship you have ever been a part of has failed, ended, or Get the help you need from a
will end. All relationships have an expiration date—they inevitably end by one therapist near you–a FREE service
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means or another. But despite this mirthless fact, the majority of us optimistically
choose to be partnered in close relationships and in harmony with Alfred Lord
City or Zip
Tennyson's famous aphorism, "Tis better to have loved and lost than to never
have loved at all."

Just as you probably are, I'm taken aback by the bleak and discouraging
statistics on separation and divorce. And I confess, I myself am a statistical victim
of divorce. A sizeable portion of my motivation for developing a new couple's
treatment model is born of my personal suffering coupled with an aspiration to
lessen the suffering of others. Do you recall Fredrich Nietzsche's famous
epigram, quoted so often it has morphed into a cliche, "Whatever doesn't kill you
simply makes you better"? Well, here's my "better"—the "Need Management
Therapy" treatment model, or "NMT," for short. In large part, it's the sublimation of
my divorce pain. I propose it as an alternative short-term approach to extant Cities:
couple's therapies that tend to be lengthy, complicated, and difficult to apply, Atlanta, GA Minneapolis, MN
even for seasoned therapists, whereas NMT can be readily deployed like a "first Austin, TX Nashville, TN
responder," as a sole therapeutic intervention, or it can be used as an Baltimore, MD New York, NY
addendum, or a compliment to conventional couple therapies. Boston, MA Oakland, CA
Brooklyn, NY Omaha, NE
NMT: a simple, effective organizing perspective Charlotte, NC Philadelphia, PA
Chicago, IL Phoenix, AZ
A high-ranking NMT "article of faith," as it were, is this important presupposition:
Columbus, OH Pittsburgh, PA
Human needs are self-defining, self-constructing, fundamental building blocks of
Dallas, TX Portland, OR
the self. Therefore, their effective management and the effective management of
Denver, CO Raleigh, NC
the emotions orbiting them are paramount to creating and maintaining a positive
Detroit, MI Sacramento, CA
sense of oneself and a healthy intimate relationship.
Houston, TX Saint Louis, MO
Indianapolis, IN San Antonio, TX
THE BASICS
Jacksonville, FL San Diego, CA

Why Relationships Matter Las Vegas, NV San Francisco, CA

Los Angeles, CA San Jose, CA

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships Louisville, KY Seattle, WA

Memphis, TN Tucson, AZ
Miami, FL Washington, DC
In condensed form, NMT teaches the couple the stepwise tools necessary to
Milwaukee, WI
better manage their needs using these simple steps: First the couple is
encouraged to identify the most predominating needs each one brings to the
other, including the primary emotions most closely associated with their needs. Are you a Therapist? Get Listed Today
Second, partners are taught to recognize that at their most basic, irreducible
level, their needs are valid and thus deserving, or even require, active
management. Third, and the last step, partners are taught specific techniques for
actively and effectively representing their needs.

NMT in action

This last step is launched with an initial investiture of partner respect to grease
the wheels of communication, followed by a clear expression of the need and,
most crucially, the feelings that embrace it. These efforts are pursued within the
framework of this overarching goal: Our individual growth and maturity and the
health of our intimate relationship are tightly harnessed to the quality of our
personal need management skills. Therefore, it is the effective management of
the need, and not its gratification, that should be our highest priority.

For example, on those occasions when important personal needs become

activated, rather than taking one's partner's willingness to listen for granted,
instead, one might say, "Can I take a moment to share something very important
to me?" Or "I would appreciate your understanding about something I'm very
concerned about." Or "Are you real busy right now?" And so on. As simple, even
as commonsensical, as this common courtesy may seem, it's important to
understand that this initial investment in partner respect balances the self and
partner respect scale which paves the way for a return of reciprocated respect.
This vital step sets in motion a good piece of communication, and fortunately, it
can be relatively quickly and easily put into play.

Next, partners learn that at their most fundamental level, their needs are
legitimate and thus warrant active representation. For example, one's need to be
respectfully, and sensitively understood by their partner is incontrovertibly valid.
Also, and very critically, partners learn that by verbalizing the emotions
generated by their needs, they achieve a necessary and deep connection within
themselves, which is a precondition to having a better connection with their
partner. For example, a partner might say, "When I get your understanding, I feel
respected, cared for, and closer to you." Now, with this example fresh in mind,
consider this related concept: Will I be any closer to my partner than I am first
"close" to myself?

The magic of good need management

This last step can be the most difficult, but for a good reason: It's also the most
fulfilling. For instance, effective need managers prioritize the management of
their needs over the immediate gratification of their needs because as
reasonable as personal need gratification may be, it doesn't promise the same
personal growth or maturity, nor does it ensure the health of our relationships in
the same way. Here's the magic: As an incentivizing bonus, good individual need
management can rapidly spawn partner respect, like a positive contagion, and
partners who respect one another are more likely to gratify each other's needs.

A common pitfall

Conversely, the often-self-centric insistence, nagging, haranguing, and other

forms of unmitigated clambering for personal need gratification are a common
flashpoint that frequently sparks couple discord, and when these forms of need
mismanagement are chronic, they lead to longer-term erosion of the intimate
partnership. Further, need mismanagement can significantly lower the probability
of individual need gratification, or make it disappear altogether. Granted, of
necessity prioritizing effective need management summons our best "emotional
IQ" by requiring that we, in the moment, side-step, postpone, or push aside our
desires/impulses for immediate need gratification, which at times can be
especially challenging. After all, our needs are fundamentally valid, so why
shouldn't they be gratified? Herein lies the pitfall.

Surely, poor personal need management is an ever-present couple hazard,

perhaps the most common bombshell that threatens the intimate relationship.
Further, when thoughtfully and thoroughly considered, it can persuasively, even
convincingly, explain why relationships fail.

Ask yourself: What are the most important needs you bring to your partner and
how well do you manage them? What are your personal need management skills
like?

References

Rosenfeld, M.J., Roesler, K. (2019). Cohabitation experience and cohabitation's association

with marital dissolution. Journal of Marriage and Family, vol. 81, issue 1, 1-5.

Brambilla, M.D., & Mosha, D. (2002). Cohabitation, marriage, divorce, and remarriage in the
United States. Vital Health Statistics, 23(22).

About the Author

Robert N. Johansen, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private

practice who specializes in couple's therapy.

Online: Dr. Johansen is an American Psychologist who has co-authored

two books on relationships and specializes in couple's therapy.

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