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Daniel S. Lobel Ph.D.
My Side of the Couch

RELATIONSHIPS

2 Essentials for a Secure and

Stable Relationship
Commitment is just the start.
Posted October 20, 2022 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

KEY POINTS

Commitment and managing anger are two essential ingredients in stable

and secure intimate relationships.
Commitment to the relationship focuses individuals on cooperative solutions
rather than threatening abandonment.
Expressing the pain underlying anger, rather than the anger itself, will
support the relationship rather than damaging it.

Most people seek stability and security in their relationships, but few achieve it.
Secure relationships are generally associated with lower levels of stress, higher
levels of comfort, and a greater ability to negotiate differences and problems.
Commitment and minimal expressions of anger are two characteristics of
intimate relationships that support security and stability. Relationships Essential
Reads
Unstable, insecure relationships, by contrast, are transactional: They are
characterized by the last interaction. Any frustration or dissatisfaction is seen as
the current status of the relationship as a whole. A constant feeling of being
The Chemistry of Love
judged and an inability to predict the future behavior of significant others results
in high levels of anxiety and insecurity.
3 Big Relationship
Stable, secure relationships are supported by commitment, loyalty, predictability, Mistakes on "Love Is Blind"
and forgiveness. Securely attached individuals have lower levels of anxiety and
stress associated with the stability of the relationship, which is defined by history Quagmire: The Joy and
and patterns of behavior rather than single events. Heartache of Relationships

Commitment Are You High in Moral

Development? Do You
Stability in relationships is achieved by both parties making a commitment to Love?
solving conflicts and problems with the attitude and belief that solutions will be
found that do not threaten or damage the relationship. Insecure relationships Couples and the Body
Language of Love
generally have frequent direct and indirect threats to end the relationship.

Ellen and Ernie are insecurely attached. In the following dialogue, they try to ADVERTISEMENT

negotiate where to go food shopping:

Ernie: We need groceries. Let’s go to Key Food.

Ellen: I hate that place. Let’s go to Stop and Shop.

Ernie: That’s twice the drive.

Ellen: But we'll save money.

Ernie: I hate when you argue about silly things.

Ellen: I hate when you're controlling!

Ernie: Why don’t you just go shopping by yourself?

Ellen: Why don’t you just live by yourself?

Because of the insecure nature of their relationship, even a simple conversation

about where to shop for food ends up in threats of abandonment from both
individuals.

Sean and Sally, on the other hand, have a secure, committed relationship. When
they have the same conversation, they get a different outcome:
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Sean: We need some groceries. Let’s go to Key Food. Get the help you need from a
therapist near you–a FREE service
from Psychology Today.
Sally: I hate that place. Let’s go to Stop and Shop.

City or Zip
Sean: That’s twice the drive.

Sally: But we'll save money.

Sean: I'm tight on time today, so I'm only comfortable going to Key Food. If
you're available tomorrow, I'd be happy to go with you to Stop and Shop.

Sally: That works for me. Do you have time for a walk right now?

Sean: I would love to.

The commitment that Sean and Sally have to their relationship keeps them
focused on cooperative solutions when conflicts arise. Ernie and Ellen respond Cities:

to conflict by being critical of each other, which is not cooperative and ends up Atlanta, GA Minneapolis, MN

being divisive. Austin, TX Nashville, TN

Baltimore, MD New York, NY
Boston, MA Oakland, CA
THE BASICS
Brooklyn, NY Omaha, NE
Why Relationships Matter Charlotte, NC Philadelphia, PA
Chicago, IL Phoenix, AZ
Find a therapist to strengthen relationships Columbus, OH Pittsburgh, PA
Dallas, TX Portland, OR
Denver, CO Raleigh, NC
Expressing Anger in Intimate Relationships
Detroit, MI Sacramento, CA
The expression of anger, which typically takes the form of threatening or lashing- Houston, TX Saint Louis, MO
out behavior, almost always pushes away the target of the expression. People Indianapolis, IN San Antonio, TX
instinctively either back away or attack when confronted with anger, both of Jacksonville, FL San Diego, CA
which are divisive and destructive to the relationship. Anger is among the only Las Vegas, NV San Francisco, CA
emotions that repel others when expressed. Sadness, shame, guilt, fear, etc., all Los Angeles, CA San Jose, CA
tend to draw others closer and should be expressed when appropriate in Louisville, KY Seattle, WA
intimate relationships. Memphis, TN Tucson, AZ
Miami, FL Washington, DC
Anger is usually caused by the same underlying thing: pain. We get angry when Milwaukee, WI
someone has hurt us, is hurting us, or we expect they will hurt us.

In intimate relationships, the underlying pain should be expressed rather than Are you a Therapist? Get Listed Today

the resultant anger. Presumably, in intimate relationships, others care about your
pain and will make efforts to stop hurting you. Once the pain is addressed, the
anger will typically dissipate. (As this technique depends on others caring about
your feelings, it can only be used reliably in intimate relationships, including with
lovers, family, and friends.)

The "Ouch" Tool

The simplest expression of pain is to say “ouch.” This generally gets the attention
of your loved one, and then a conversation can clarify what is hurting you and
how your loved one can help ameliorate your pain.

In the first example, Ernie expresses anger toward Ellen when he says, “I hate
when you argue about silly things.” He uses the term “hate,” which denotes a
high level of anger, and he invalidates her by using the word “silly” in describing
her concerns. Not surprisingly, she responds by lashing out. She retorts, “I hate
when you're controlling,” reiterating the hate emotion and accusing him of being
controlling. Then the threats of abandonment come and the relationship is
compromised, if not destroyed.

Had Sean decided to express his feelings to Sally, he might have chosen to
express his pain and the response he might have gotten. It might have sounded
like this:

Sean: I'm frustrated by my desire to go shopping with you in conflict with my

time limitation. I wish I had more time today.

Sally: I understand. We can go tomorrow and take our time.

Two essential characteristics of intimate relationships: commitment and

minimizing the expression of anger, will increase the stability and security of your
intimate relationships if practiced consistently. For this to be effective, both
individuals in the relationship must exercise these characteristics. The payoff can
be life-changing.

Facebook image: PeopleImages.com - Yuri A/Shutterstock

About the Author

Daniel S. Lobel, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private

practice in Katonah, NY, as well as an Assistant Clinical
Professor at Mount Sinai School of Medicine in the Department
of Psychiatry.

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