A Guide to Divorce Counseling

Author(s): Esther Oshiver Fisher

Source: The Family Coordinator , Jan., 1973, Vol. 22, No. 1, The Field of Marriage
Counseling (Jan., 1973), pp. 55-61
Published by: National Council on Family Relations

Stable URL: http://www.jstor.com/stable/582958

JSTOR is a not-for-profit service that helps scholars, researchers, and students discover, use, and build upon a wide
range of content in a trusted digital archive. We use information technology and tools to increase productivity and
facilitate new forms of scholarship. For more information about JSTOR, please contact support@jstor.org.

Your use of the JSTOR archive indicates your acceptance of the Terms & Conditions of Use, available at
https://about.jstor.org/terms

Wiley and National Council on Family Relations are collaborating with JSTOR to digitize,
preserve and extend access to The Family Coordinator

This content downloaded from

49.146.15.125 on Mon, 15 Jun 2020 12:48:41 UTC
All use subject to https://about.jstor.org/terms
 A Guide to Divorce Counseling
ESTHER OsHavER FISHER*

This article delineates predivorce counseling, divorce counseling, and post-divorce

counseling. The author suggests that the term "marriage counselor" is too restricted
and advances the term "marriage and divorce counselor" as a replacement. Editor

Divorce is the death of a marriage: the the unhappiness found in divorce.

husband and wife together with their chil-
dren are the mourners, the lawyers are the
undertakers, the court is the cemetery where
the coffin is sealed and the dead marriage
buried.
On May 11, 1970, the Divorce Law Study
Commission of the State of New Jersey
reported with respect to divorce in the
United States. "In 1967, for only the second
time in history, more than a million adults
were involved in divorce actions, and in
1968 the figure was 1.2 million. In 1967,
700,000 children were affected by divorce,
twice as many as in 1955, and currently
three-fifths of divorces occur among couples
with children." (1970, 10) Clearly the po-
tential for divorce playing a role in the lives with ordinary life circumstances, to those
of many adults and their children is increas-
ing.
Yet divorce is not universally approved or
accepted as an institution in America, but is
viewed as a solution for unbearable marital
conflict. Little is said about the emotional
turmoil and discord those who divorce
experience from the discrepancies they find
between their attitudes, feelings, and behav-
ior. Unthinking acceptance of the myths
concerning divorce and widespread igno-
rance of the realities of the life of the
divorced person abound and frequently
influence the decision to divorce or not to
divorce. Emphasis tends to be placed on
"happiness" in marriage while little is said
*Esther Oshiver Fisher, LL.B., Ed.D., is a
clinical marriage and divorce counselor in private
practice; and Chairman of Training in Marriage and
Divorce Counseling, American Foundation of Reli-
gion and Psychiatry, New York, New York.
Who Are the Divorced?
Time was when it was believed that those
who divorce were "sick" persons, hopeless
neurotics who must inevitably repeat their
failures should they marry again. Today, the
divorcing and divorced population is ob-
served as coming from all walks of life, a
diversity of cultural backgrounds, and a
myriad of life situations. A goodly propor-
tion are likely to be as "normal" as those
who choose to keep their marriages.
In fact, divorced persons differ emotion-
ally according to their place on the mental
health continuum, from those with enough
ego-strength and emotional lability to cope
whose neurotic pattern does not allow for
much autonomy and intimacy, to those
whose pathology is such as not to permit
them to ever assume creative and responsible
adult roles such as that demanded in
marriage. How feelings such as grief, depres-
sion, loneliness, failure, anxiety, hostility are
coped with by those who divorce depends in
large part on where they are on this
continuum between mental health and
pathology.
What Is Divorce Counseling?
Divorce counseling is an answer to the
personal and cultural needs of the divorcing
of divorced population. It is a therapeutic
and
process by which those who experience and
continue to experience the pain and humilia-
tion of divorce can be helped toward
personal growth and adjustment, enabling
them to move away from egocentricity
toward altruism and a desire to contribute to

January 1973 THE FAMILY COORDINA TOR 55

This content downloaded from

49.146.15.125 on Mon, 15 Jun 2020 12:48:41 UTC
All use subject to https://about.jstor.org/terms
society. This process is divided into three terminate in death of a marriage entails
phases: pre-divorce counseling, divorce coun- emoticnal divorce, physical divorce, and
seling, post-divorce counseling. Therapeutic finally legal divorce.
techniques vary from supportive to intensive Emotional divorce is difficult enough but
therapy. may be bearable if husband and wife
Divorce counseling, like marriage counsel- continue to live together. The pain over the
ing, is a therapeutic process that has a special dying marriage generally intensifies when
focus. In marriage counseling the focus is on physical divorce (separation) takes place and
the potential for rehabilitation of the marital the couple's friends and family know they
relationship with concern for the intrapsy- are no longer living under one roof. It is then
chic needs of the spouses. In divorce that feelings of guilt and failure become
counseling the focus is on the diminution overwhelming. Legal divorce tends to come
and final dissolution of the marital relation- as an emotional afterlude except where legal
ship with concern for the intrapsychic needs divorce coincides with physical separation
of the individual spouse(s). and thereby intensifies the suffering. This is
In both marriage and divorce counseling the time when there is a great need for the
therapeutic focus on the reorganization of warmth and support of a trusted counseling
the personality structure of the husband relationship in which ventilation of feelings
and/or wife is incidental to but not less than
can take place and ego-support given.
the primary focus on their present relation-
Predivorce Counseling
ship: This is because therapeutic precedence
must be given to the need for crisis The first phase of divorce counseling is
intervention, for resolution of the problems predivorce counseling. Predivorce counseling
of the here and now, and the feelings caused begins when divorce is no longer a thought, a
by extreme difficulties in present relation- fantasy, or a threat by either husband or
ships. wife. Instead the thought, fantasy, or threat
The general goal of divorce counseling is is crystallized by one of the spouses into
for divorcing and divorced spouses to gain behavior significant of divorce; such as,
insight into and understanding of their either one goes to a lawyers, or one commits
personal and marital conflicts and difficul-adultery and lets the other know about the
ties, together with enough emotional adulterous act, or husband and wife no
strength to make decisions and deal more longer sleep together, or one of them leaves
adequately and responsibly with the prob- the home. Predivorce counseling centers
lems consequent to the dissolution of their around the imminent decision whether to
marital relationship. divorce or not.
Time and timing play an important role in How the decision to divorce is made is of
the divorce process and therefore in the importance to the spouses both in dealing
process of divorce counseling. Implications with the realities of their situation and in the
for the clients' needs in divorce counseling struggle for the eventual adjustment they
are in large part dependent on where the must make. Who asked for the divorce first
clients are in the divorce process. Therefore, and who left whom have tremendous impact
time distinctions must be made within the on feelings. Generally, there is little con-
following: scious awareness of the role both partners
Stages: emotional divorce, physical sepa- played in the decision.
ration or physical divorce, and legal divorce; The decision to divorce or not may come
Phases: the three phases of divorce coun- after considerable marriage counseling or a
seling-pre-divorce counseling, divorce coun- minimum amount or may be made after
seling, and post-divorce counseling; psychiatric intervention. The decision may
Special Procedures: reconciliation and be made alone in the heat of anger or made
conciliation. with the aid of concerned relatives and
friends. It may be made, as it frequently is,
Emotional, Physical and Legal Divorce
in a lawyer's office.
The process of most marital conflicts that Good matrimonial lawyers make a sincere

56 THE FAMILY COORDINA TOR January 1973

This content downloaded from

49.146.15.125 on Mon, 15 Jun 2020 12:48:41 UTC
All use subject to https://about.jstor.org/terms
attempt at reconciliation before starting
proceedings. Often this attempt will include
recommendations for help from a psychia-
trist or marriage counselor. Such reconcilia-
tion efforts are usually made early in the
legal proceedings when lawyers feel the
decision to divorce has not yet been defi-
nitively made and accepted by both spouses.
Because of the timing a distinction needs
to be made between the reconciliation
efforts of the lawyer and marriage counselor
prior to and even after the decision to
divorce and the conciliation efforts of the
court in conciliation proceedings. The court
tends to be even more authoritarian and
directive in its last minute efforts to concili-
ate than does the lawyer. The court may
direct that the couple see a marriage
counselor. Experience indicates that as peo-
ple move along the continuum from bad
marriage to divorce, counseling techniques,
goals, and efforts at keeping the marriage
must change and become more directive and
intense to fit the needs of the crisis at hand.
The marriage and divorce counselor is not
a protagonist for or against a marriage, or for offices are kept in abeyance if not ended.
or against a divorce, any more than he is for
one spouse against the other. Yet he cannot
take a stance of neutrality in which he
assumes no responsibility for the decision.
To do so is to permit inferences and
implications by clients that the counselor
does not intend. Rather, he is a catalyst
whose purpose is to help the couple explore
and come to grips with their problems. The ultimately forgive themselves and each other
decision to divorce will ultimately be theirs.
The only time the counselor makes a
decision for divorce is when physical and
emotional destruction continues despite
efforts to the contrary.
I would suggest that for the purpose of
conveying the counselor's role, the title
"marriage counselor" is limited and mislead-
ing, conveying to clients who are uncertain
of what they want that the counselor stands
unequivocally for preserving marriages with
the result that many tend to feel trapped.
This is especially true where the spouse most
anxious to keep the marriage is being seen
and the other has to be called in. The title
"marriage and divorce counselor" is more
appropriate and indicates that the counselor
January 1973 THE FAMIL Y COORDINA TOR 57
This content downloaded from
49.146.15.125 on Mon, 15 Jun 2020 12:48:41 UTC
All use subject to https://about.jstor.org/terms
is open to helping whatever the ultimate
decision may be.
Whether the marriage and divorce coun-
selor is seeing one or both spouses, there is
often an urgency at this time of decision
making that cannot await the slow tide of
individual personal growth and emotional
development. Time is of the essence. The
counselor must seek to accomplish a quick
order out of chaos, be quite reality-oriented,
ready to temporarily lend his ego and take
responsibility for more directive, directional,
and dynamic techniques than are usually
considered appropriate in counseling. Tem-
pered by clinical knowledge and experience,
this approach can often produce good
results.
If either or both spouses have already
gone to a lawyer the suffering can be
intense. There is an urgent need for release
with an understanding, empathic, qualified
person. Both husband and wife need quiet,
insightful, nonadversary objective guidance
and help that does not allow for the
expression of ugly recriminations and clam-
ors of revenge. All actions at the lawyers'
As the tensions are eased, control and
reason become activated making possible a
mutually calmer and more objective consid-
eration of whether to attempt to keep the
marriage or divorce. If the decision is to
attempt to keep the marriage it must include
an acceptance of continued marital therapy
that will enable husband and wife to
and do the "right" thing-which means a
final decision will be made either to keep the
marriage or to divorce, and responsibility
taken. Certainly such a decision will be more
objective and based on a better level of
insights and feelings 'than they presently
have.
Clients in the process of making decisions
to divorce are not without their deceptive
maneuvers and may try to use or abuse the
marriage counselor. Not infrequently, the
marital partner clamoring most loudly for
marriage counseling is the one seeking to
break the marriage. The decision to divorce
may in fact be already made and he may try
to use the marriage counselor to achieve
what he wants. Under the guise of seeking
help a client may want the marriage coun- port, work, sex, their future way of life, can
selor to do no more than announce how bad use this period of divorcing to try to achieve
the marriage is and prepare the road to with help an understanding of what will be
divorce. Another may openly seek help for needed practically and emotionally to deal
his wife to gain enough emotional strength with their life situations.
to survive the divorce he is already planning. Husbands and wives tend to divorce from
Still another, with a decision to divorce each other using the same negative patterns
already made, may seek marriage counseling of interaction that existed in the marriage.
to assuage his guilt-after all he did try! The The goal of divorce counseling is to reduce
marriage counselor must be able to spot these negative patterns and minimize the
these deceptive maneuvers and confront the feelings of guilt and revenge. The goal is
clients who use them. To do otherwise is for thereby to prevent senseless, harmful, and
the marriage counselor to be in collusion wasteful litigation caused by battling
with the offending spouse. spouses. The goal is to induce a background
The decision to seek divorce belongs to for sensible, reasonable, and viable settle-
the client. Some clients prefer to bear the ment agreement. The divorce counselor can
responsibilities of a difficult marriage. play a significant role in reducing the anger
Others prepare for the difficulties and and bitterness which so often lead to a
responsibilities attendant upon divorce. Still wife's extravagant demands and a husband's
others find they have no choice but to adjust parsimonious offers. Counseling that helps
to the inevitable divorce situation imposed to keep spouses away from the battlefield of
upon them. marital litigation is especially necessary in
The role of the marriage and divorce those many states where irretrievable break-
counselor is to help, not to judge. His down of the marriage is not yet a ground for
attitudes about marriage and divorce, his divorce and where divorce can be obtained
feelings about himself, his own marriage, and only on fault grounds.
that of his clients, his sense of his own Divorce counseling, therefore, aims to
therapeutic role will play a dynamic and help two people, who were unable to agree
intrinsic part in the decision his clients will in marriage, to agree to disagree, and to have
make. a measure of trust and faith in each other
Just as premarital counseling has been when they feel they have lost whatever trust
frequently found to have particular value in and faith they had. The problem is seen
the relationship achieved between the mar- most frequently in legal settlements about
riage counselor and the couple should financial support and custody and visitation
marital difficulty occur later, so pre-divorce of children. Almost inevitably, wives feel
counseling may have similar value for at that they are getting too little money and
least
one of the partners in the peculiarly difficult husbands that they are giving too much.
divorce period that follows. Very often, with little or no justification,
wives feel that their husbands are making
Divorce Counseling excessive demands for visitation and will
The second phase of divorce counseling is somehow hurt the children, and husbands
divorce counseling per se. It begins when feel that the wives are too incompetent to
lawyers become officially involved and lasts have custody of the children.
through the legal proceedings until a legal Children are too often used as pawns and
divorce is finally obtained. The counselor their interests ignored in the alimony-sup-
may continue to help both husband and wife port-property struggle between their parents.
during this period, but rarely are both on A special goal of divorce counseling is to
amicable enough terms to be seen or wish toprevent much emotional injury to the child
continue to be seen by the same counselor. and exacerbation of the already disturbed
Nevertheless, much can be done to help the parent-child relationship.
family that remains. Disturbed husbands and Divorce counseling can do much to help
wives, concemed over their feelings about those who are divorcing to understand the
children, custody and visitation rights, sup- divorce process, legal and emotional. It can

58 THE FAMILY COORDINATOR January 1973

This content downloaded from

49.146.15.125 on Mon, 15 Jun 2020 12:48:41 UTC
All use subject to https://about.jstor.org/terms
also help them accept the limitations of their
life situation, and what they have to expect
of themselves and each other in the roles of
ex-husband and ex-wife, father and mother.
Frequently, the counseling, as a result, can
help lighten the emotional burden that
divorcing couples present to lawyers and
courts, thereby expediting the legal proceed-
ings.
During counseling, when one spouse .has
gone to a lawyer, the marriage counselor
who becomes aware of this has the duty to
suggest to the other spouse the advisability
of obtaining legal counsel. The counselor
cannot be part of a conspiracy in which only
one side is guided by a lawyer. Likewise
when divorce has been decided irretrievably
by the client, the marriage counselor should
not be timid in suggesting that a matrimonial
lawyer be consulted or retained.
In my experience, counselors suffer a
general lack of knowledge about the law and
lawyers. The marriage counselor must not
play the role of lawyer or of half a lawyer.
He should not deter clients from obtaining
legal advice. In divorce counseling as well as
in marriage counseling generally, the coun-
selor must not invade the lawyer's province;
he must be careful not to employ legal
concepts or to give what may be advice on
conduct in the light of what he may think
are legal considerations. To this end there is
a need for opening communication lines
between matrimonial lawyers and clinical
marriage and divorce counselors.1
The more the counselor understands of
the lawyer's role in divorce, the more
supportive and helpful he can be to the
client. This is particularly true in the
difficult sweating-out period when both
lawyers are vying for bargaining positions at
the settlement table. For example, they
may, no matter how intolerable, keep
husband and wife living together under the
same roof waiting to see which one will
1The Department of Marriage and Divorce
ing and acceptance of self, children, and
Counseling at the American Foundation of Reli-
gion and Psychiatry in cooperation with The
American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, New
York Chapter, has established a course entitled "A
Legal Guide for the Marriage, Divorce and Family
Counselor."
January 1973 THE FAMILY COORDINATOR 59
This content downloaded from
49.146.15.125 on Mon, 15 Jun 2020 12:48:41 UTC
All use subject to https://about.jstor.org/terms
break first and give up some of what he is
asking for in the divorce settlement.
Superimposed on all the potential frustra-
tion, anxiety, and concern for what is
happening is the fact that this is a period of
grief similar in many ways to the mourning
known when death occurs. The divorce
counselor must be tuned in to this to help
avoid intensive depression and allow for the
ventilation of feelings of hostility, grief,
anxiety, and guilt. Again much depends on
the client's ego-strength. This period of
divorce counseling calls for many strengths
on the part of the divorce counselor-
patience, warmth, support, an ability to
interpret what is going on legally and
practically, and compassionate concern for
the client's suffering to be, together with a
fine clinical awareness of the pathology
involved.
Post-Divorce Counseling
The third phase of divorce counseling
begins when the divorce decree is obtained.
Feelings of relief, loneliness, hostility, guilt,
depression, and failure pervade together with
a peculiar pain caused by the oppressive
silence. Concern for the practical problems
of living and his or her role as a divorced
person add to the melee of issues.
Postdivorce adjustment is popularly
viewed as the process by which a person
comes to perceive himself as no longer an
"ex-spouse" but as a single individual,
eligible and interested in remarriage. Despite
all the present clamor against the institution
of marriage, ours continues to be a marrying
society. The question remains whether
everyone must marry to be accepted as well
adjusted.
On the other hand, if postdivorce adjust-
ment is seen as personal growth, remarriage
need not always be involved either in fact,
intention, desire, or eligibility. Instead, post-
divorce adjustment includes a variety of
other goals; namely, a reduction in feelings
of bitterness and hostility; more understand-
ex-spouse, and of society generally; a return
to work and social activity; and better
management of personal affairs and the
ability to handle the new problems that
follow divorce.
 An example of personal growth can be
seen in the stages the divorced person goes
through in his feelings toward his former
spouse. In the beginning, there is violent
hostility and even hatred, then come feelings
of guilt and being -sorry for the ex-spouse,
and finally, for some, indifference. Too
often, on-going battles for custody and
visitation or support are symptomatic of the
inability of one or both spouses to handle
the ultimate separation.
In postdivorce counseling, the divorced
person is helped to evaluate objectively the
sort of person his ex-spouse is; why he
married that person in the first place; the
expectations and disappointments of the
marriage; who emotionally left whom and
when and what part each played in the
departure. He is helped to awareness of
remaining feelings toward the former spouse
and what it would mean should either
remarry; and finally what it will mean to
continue to be parents to their children.
Postdivorce counseling is involved with
the changes in attitudes, feelings, and behav- client. He has the responsibility of helping
ior that the divorced person experiences not
only in relation to the ex-spouse but to
children, relatives and friends, sex and
dating, marriage, work, hobbies, and life as a responsibility will be to openly state his own
whole.
In treatment, divorce counselors must be
able to distinguish the fairly well-adjusted
clients thrown into emotional imbalance by
the castastrophe of divorce and not categori- his or her life.
cally treat them on the assumption that they
are emotionally ill in any fundamental sense. not in the mere stating of his value system
While the therapeutic stance remains sup-
portive, dealing with where the client is in
the here and now, the aim for such persons
is for more intellectual, emotional, and
spiritual growth and more effectiveness in
their various roles.
This is a different therapeutic goal from
that for disturbed divorced clients who are
basically maladjusted. The latter may strive
for personal growth but must first be helpedaccomplish this in an atmosphere of compas-
to rid themselves, to the extent that they
can, of unhealthy attitudes, feelings, and
habits that hinder their potential for per-
sonal growth.
The focus of counseling generally is on
personal growth, seeking to help the client
develop more of his own autonomy as a
person in his own right. Inner conflict is a
characteristic of personal growth; for the
divorced person, the conflict becomes even
more crystallized. The desire to remain
self-centered, gratify selfish aims, and as-
suage inner conflicts battles the desire to
gain social acceptance through sharing and
belonging; the result can be much frustra-
tion, hostility, anxiety, and guilt.
The goal of postdivorce counseling is to
enable the divorced person to become his
own judge of what is good and bad, wise and
unwise, and develop a rational role for
himself. Since society has as yet done little
to define the role of the divorced person, the
goal is to help him build his own structure
within the framework of social standards in
regard to behavior, beliefs, and values, with
recognition of differences in subcultures and
among individuals.
This does not permit the divorce coun-
selor the luxury of a value-free approach.
The fact is the counselor's values will never
be more challenged than by the divorced
the client clarify his own values and under-
stand their application in reality. To do this,
there will be times when the counselor's
values. To do otherwise and avoid ethical
issues may well be destructive for the
divorced client, who has an urgent need for a
definition of standards and a structure for
The problem for the divorce counselor lies
but rather in the manner in which he
presents that system to the client. The
divorced are frequently confused not only
about values, but also about their goals and
attitudes toward life. Where regression
occurs in counseling, the counselor must be
able to speak with conviction and authority
rather than support values and goals he
honestly feels to be destructive. He has to
sion, understanding, and acceptance.
Helping the divorced person gain some
outer security is not enough; he must be
helped to develop inner security. This means
helping him come face to face with the facts
of his life and his emotional and behavioral
errors and inadequacies. To help the

60 THE FAMILY COORDINATOR January 1973

This content downloaded from

49.146.15.125 on Mon, 15 Jun 2020 12:48:41 UTC
All use subject to https://about.jstor.org/terms
divorced client define his role, increase his
problem-solving abilities, become in part his
own judge of good and bad, achieve self-
awareness, self-acceptance, and awareness
and acceptance of others, arrive at compe-
tence in establishing and achieving personal
goals-this is the task the divorce counselor
must assume in trying to meet the divorced
client's needs.

REFERENCES:
Divorce Study Law Commission of the State of
New Jersey. Final Report. May 11, 1970.
Fisher, Esther 0. Help for Today's Troubled
Marriages. New York: Hawthorn Books, 1968,
205-250.
Fisher, Esther 0. Education for the Divorced.
Unpublished Doctoral Thesis. New York:
Columbia University, 1962.
Fisher, Mitchell Salem. Matrimonial Turmoil. Jour-
nal of Family Law, University of Louisville,
Spring, 1967.
Fisher, Mitchell Salem. The Pastoral Counselor,
Marriage Counseling and the Lawyer. The Pasto-
ral Counselor, Spring, 1968.
Hunt, Morton M. The World of the Formerly
Married. New York: McGraw Hill, 1966.
Sherwin, Robert Veit. Compatible Divorce. New
York: Crown Publishers, 1969.

Day Care Publications

Selected day care and child development publications may be secured through the Day
Care afid Child Development Council of America. Requests-for a catalog of such materials
should be addressed to:
Publication Delivery Service
Day Care and Child Development Council of America, Inc.
1426 H Street N.W.
Washington, DC 20005

January 1973 THE FAMILY COORDINATOR 61

This content downloaded from

49.146.15.125 on Mon, 15 Jun 2020 12:48:41 UTC
All use subject to https://about.jstor.org/terms