THE LAST SUPPER

or
HOW GOD CREATED AN ISLAND MADE OF WATER
written by
Moses Hershberger

FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT

 BLACK SCREEN:

TITLES FADE IN:

MUSIC ON: “Ein Prosit” by Joe Raphael Und Die Party-Singers.

Suddenly, the song ends with a record scratch. A CRAWL TEXT

appears: A READING FROM THE FIRST LETTER OF SAINT FILMMAKER:

Dear Viewer, please accept my sincerest

apology. Our German producers thought this
song would befit the opening of the film. I
told them it wouldn’t work. And I was right.

While they exceed in efficient confidence,

they lack in common sense when it comes to
tonality and humor, of course. Once again, I
really do apologize. Now back to the opening
credits with the appropriate song.

Amen.

TITLES FADE IN.

MUSIC ON: “Hosanna filio David” by Benedictine Monks of Santo

Domingo de Silos.

FADE IN:

INT. ROOM OF THE LAST SUPPER – NIGHT

Jesus and the Twelve Apostles sit at a long table where they
prepare to eat their supper.

JESUS
My disciples, I have eagerly
waited to eat this Passover with
you all. But it is with a heavy
heart that I tell thee all that I
shall not eat or drink again until
my arrival in Heaven above.

The Twelve Apostles mutter to each other, except for Judas.

JOHN
Oy vey! What do you mean by that,
Rabbi? Schmuck-putz.
 JESUS
(sighs)
One of you will betray me.

A sudden uproar stirs amongst the Twelve Apostles. Judas remains

silent as he shifts in his seat.

THOMAS
Who, Rabbi? Who is this putz-
schmuck of a betrayer?!

SIMON
Putz-schmuck! Who would betray
you, O Lord! Surely not I?

MATTHEW
Surely not I? Have I not been
faithful to You, O schmuck!!

PETER
Surely not I, Lord? I have been
your devout schmuck and your rock!

THADDEUS
This is such a silly premise.

The Twelve Apostles speak over each other. Jesus hushes them.

JESUS
The Son of God will go as it is
written. But woe unto the man who
will betray me for it would have
been better if he wasn’t ever
born. I shall dip this bread into
this cup and pass it to the one
who will betray me. It is written.

Jesus dips the bread into His cup. DRAMATIC CLOSE-UPS of the
Apostles. Judas is shaking. Suddenly, a PINK PORTAL appears out
of thin air! A FIGURE emerges from the portal.

He is dressed in short-sleeved white shirt and a black tie. It’s

JESUS!! But He looks different than the one sitting at the
table. This is LATTER DAY SAINTS JESUS.

SIMON
WHAT THE SCHMUCK?!!
 ANDREW
Mazel tov! Where did He come from?

PETER
IT’S A SCHMUCK DEMON FROM HELL!!

THADDEUS
This is such a silly premise.

JESUS
Excuse me?! This is a private supper.

LDS JESUS
(flustered)
I know!! I am here to rescue You!

JESUS
“Rescue me?” Wait, who are you?!

LDS JESUS
I am You!

JESUS
What?!

LDS JESUS
I am You!

JOHN
He speaks in riddles! A riddle
demon! Simon, quick! Throw him off
with a word play!

SIMON
My donkey has no tongue!

LDS JESUS
How does he taste?

SIMON
Like ass!

The Apostles and LDS JESUS applause Simon for that.

THADDEUS
Wouldn’t it be more absurdism than
word play?
 SIMON
Is it?

THADDEUS
This is such a silly premise.

JESUS
ENOUGH! WHO ARE YOU, GOSH-DARNIT?!

LDS JESUS
I am Jesus Christ: of the Latter
Day Saints.

Long pause.

JESUS
OF THE WHAT?!!

LDS JESUS
Look, I don’t have a lot of time
to explain, so just listen to me.
It’s not going to make a lot of
sense, but You’ve got to trust me.

JESUS
There must be some mistake.

LDS JESUS
No-no. Jesus Christ of the Latter
Day Saints does not make mistakes
for I am Messiah.

THOMAS
Are you saying you’re a Messiah?

LDS JESUS
No, I’m not “a” Messiah. I’m “the”
Messiah... of Latter Day Saints.

JESUS
I’m the Messiah!!

LDS JESUS
But not of the Latter Day Saints.

JESUS
WHAT THE GOSH-DARN DOES THAT MEAN?!!
 LDS JESUS
Look, I don’t have a lot of
time to explain, so I’ll just
cut to the chase: I know what
you’re about to do, and I’m
here to tell You to NOT DO IT!!

JESUS
Do what?!

LDS JESUS
Call out your betrayer!

JESUS
How do you know about that?

LDS JESUS
Because it happened to me! That’s
why I’m here to prevent it! Don’t
you get it? It’ll put the world in
ruins and turn West Coasters into
avocados for not praying enough!!

THADDEUS
This is such a sill--

JESUS
That’s such a silly thing to say.
I think I’m going to have ask my
Father to smite you, blasphemer!

LDS JESUS
Jesus Christ! Why are you being
this unsympathetic?! The fate of
the world and the planet Kolob
rests in Your hands!!

JESUS
FATHER! SMITE HIM DOWN!!!

Long pause. Nothing happens.

LDS JESUS
Look, I don’t know how much I can
say or not say or somewhat say,
but here’s what I can say: I can’t
say much.
 PETER
Why not?

LDS JESUS
Because of a sacred book. Oops!

JESUS
“A sacred book?”

LDS JESUS
Forget I said “bible.” Ah! I said
it again! Uh... Jawas! Odin! Fart!
Wet pink panties! Donny Osmond!

Suddenly, another PINK PORTAL appears out of thin air! This time
TWO FIGURES emerge from the portal. They are two other JESUSES!!
One is a WOMAN who is holding up a protest sign with various
texts written on it. This is THEY/THEM/THEIR JESUS. The other is
a heavy-set chef. This is IL DUCE CHEF JESUS.

T.T.T JESUS
Are we too late?!

LDS JESUS
You two?! What are you doing here?

T.T.T JESUS
You! What did you tell Him about
the sacred book?!

LDS JESUS
I didn’t tell them anything about
the “bible.” Nah! I did it again!

IL DUCE CHEF JESUS pulls out a TOMMY GUN and SHOOTS LSD JESUS
DOWN!! Jesus and the Apostles react in shock as they scream!! IL
DUCE CHEF JESUS shouts in ITALIANESE (GODPIGEON GIBBERISH).

T.T.T JESUS
We’re not going to hurt you. No
one is going to die today.

SIMON
You just murdered Jesus!

JESUS
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?!
 T.T.T JESUS
We need to know exactly what LDS
Jesus told You about the sacred
book! That’s all we want to know!

MATTHEW
Goy! He didn’t tell Him anything!

PHILIP
Except that it was a “bible.” Goy!

IL DUCE CHEF JESUS babbles away in ITALIANESE!!

JAMES MAJOR
Excuse me? Could we could subtitles
for this part, please?

GERMAN ACCENT VOICE (O.S.)

No! Uh, nein! Aktion!!

JAMES MAJOR
Thy will be done.

T.T.T JESUS
We just want to know what you know
about the sacred book. That’s all!

JAMES MINOR
How does this pertain to us?!

T.T.T JESUS
It’s complicated.

JESUS
“It’s complicated?!” Is that why
you killed the Mormon?!

IL DUCE CHEF JESUS calmly explains in ITALIANESE!!

JESUS
Wait a minute... “infinite
realms?” What does that mean?!!

T.T.T JESUS
There are more Jesuses out there.

The Apostles GASPS and murmur in an UPROAR!

 JESUS
STOP MURMURING IN AN UPROAR! You
sound like a buncha stereotypes!
(to T.T.T. JESUS)
There aren’t more Jesuses! I’m the
only Jesus there ever only is!!

T.T.T JESUS
True, but not true. See, there’s
You, right? And then there’s Me. I’m
They/Their/Them Jesus because I am
not an assumption, I am a pronoun.
There’s Il Duce Chef Jesus here and
there’s-- well, was, Jesus Christ of
Latter Day Saints. You know, just a
few infinite Jesuses.

JESUS
How is that possible?!

T.T.T JESUS
When our Father created infinite
possibilities, it meant there
could be infinite Jesuses who rule
as God in their own universe!
There’s no limit! We have American
Jesus, European Jesus, Asian
Jesus, Oceania Jesus, African
Jesus. We also have sombrero
Jesus, t-shirt Jesus, jeans Jesus,
bagel Jesus, toast Jesus, pirate
Jesus, LEGO Jesus, hobbit Jesus,
Muppet Jesus. There’s even Jesuses
of other religions such as Islamic
Jesus, Jewish Jesus, Pagan Jesus,
Hindu Jesus, Bahá'í Jesus, Baptist
Jesus, Southern Baptist Jesus,
United Methodist Jesus and even
Flying Spaghetti Monster Jesus who
thinks He’s more “righteous”
because of His Bucatininess, thus
making Him into a massive asshole.
(exhales)
These are all real, legitimate,
sound, collected and reasonable
Jesuses as much as any other god.
(MORE)
 T.T.T JESUS (CONT’D)
Except those guys are false. And
incorrect about mostly everything
they teach. Except for Zen Buddhist
Jesus.
(off Jesus’ look)
You know, I have to say, as
confused as you look, this is one
of the better reactions we’ve s--

JESUS
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!

T.T.T JESUS
(sighs)
Oh, never mind.

JOHN
So, what do these other “Jesuses”
have to do with stopping our Jesus’
betrayal?

T.T.T JESUS
We can’t explain why, but as far
we know, the universe that you
live in is known as the prime
universe: the first universe God
created. So whatever happens in
the prime universe has an effect
on the other universes.

PETER
So, how does all this factor into
the bible of which you cannot say?

T.T.T JESUS
Well, like my gender studies and
my gender fluidity, like my vote
for Bernie, like my Tumblr posts,
like my thesis on Marxism, like my
Buzz Feed articles, like my stance
on Socialism and like my struggle
against the putrid patriarchy, the
bible is open to interpretation.
(clears throat)
And we’re here to stop you from
reading and knowing about the bible.
 JESUS
THAT’S WHY YOU’RE TRYING TO STOP MY
BETRAYAL?! BECAUSE OF SOME BOOK?!!!

T.T.T JESUS
No, we’re not here to stop the
betrayal. We’re here to stop you
from knowing what’s in the bible.

Suddenly, another PINK PORTAL appears out of thin air! This time
THREE FIGURES emerge from the portal. IT’S MEL GIBSON, HOLY
MOTHER NUNBUN AND TOAST JESUS CHRIST ON IT!! They each hold a
weapon and keep it at the ready. IL DUCE CHEF JESUS angrily says
something to Mel Gibson!!

MEL GIBSON
Well, I didn’t come here to fuck
spiders, mate.

HOLY MOTHER NUNBUN retorts back with a raspy blubbery noise.

MEL GIBSON (CONT’D)

That ain’t my fault. I told you
not to drink on the way over here.

TOAST JESUS chimes in. It’s just fart sounds.

MEL GIBSON (CONT’D)

She says she has migraines for
everything, mate. I ain’t giving
her anything. She can walk it off.
Besides, we’re on a mission.

T.T.T JESUS
You’ve got some nerve showing up
here, Mel Gibson.

TOAST JESUS breaks the silence with fart sounds.

MEL GIBSON (CONT’D)

Cool it, Toast. I’ve got this.
(walks to Jesus)
Here I am Lord. It is I, Lord. Mel
Gibson: your most humble servant!!

JESUS
Are you another version of me?
 MEL GIBSON
Ha! I’m not worthy of that! Bless
You thought, my Lord, for thinking
of me that way! BLESS YOU!

JESUS
I didn’t. I was just say--

T.T.T JESUS
You have no idea what you’re
getting yourself into, Mel Gibson!

MEL GIBSON
Do you? ‘Cos clearly you didn’t
stop to think about what you’re
doing here, lil’ Sheila.

IL DUCE CHEF JESUS EXPLODES IN ITALIANESE AND COCKS HIS TOMMY

GUN. MEL GIBSON, now in his “BRAVEHEART” costume, SWINGS HIS
SWORD AND CUTS OFF HIS HEAD! EVERYONE GASPS!

T.T.T JESUS
You killed IL DUCE CHEF JESUS!

MEL GIBSON
You’ve crossed the line coming
here to tell our Savior and his
hairy band of Jews they were wrong
for what God had planned for Him!

T.T.T JESUS
I don’t any lectures from a crazy
anti-Semite Hollywood sociopath!!

PETER
“Hollywood?” What is that?

MEL GIBSON
Don’t worry, Peter. Hollywood is
gonna come as naturally to you as
finding the best spots for Chinese
food, ya gluttonous truffle pigs!

TOAST JESUS breaks the silence with fart sounds.

MEL GIBSON
I’m sorry! Sorry! It’s habit!
 T.T.T JESUS
Just let me do what I came here to
do, Mel Gibson!

MEL GIBSON
You know I can’t let you do that.
We’re here to save the lives of
billions of believers in Christ!
You will not stop me from making
my fucking movie!!

THOMAS
“Movie?” What’s that?

HOLY MOTHER NUNBUN cuts in and blubbers away.

MEL GIBSON
We’ve come this far, Holy Mother
NunBun. They need to know. This is
gonna some explaining. Right.
(clears throat)
A movie is a story in which a
series of images tell an event of
the past, present and possible
future. It’s something you show to
a mass of people called “an
audience.” Tomorrow, an earth
shattering event will occur and it
will change the future forever.
That event will be written down in
a sacred book called the “Bible”
which will be read by billions of
people around the world and follow
Your teachings. Then, about two-
thousand years later, that event
will be adapted from said bible to
a damn near perfect movie that will
be seen by millions of people. This
movie will be known as “The Passion
of the Christ.”

Long pause.

JESUS
A movie? About me? Called “The
Passion of the Christ?” Umm...
that’s very... ummmm...
 T.T.T JESUS
Don’t listen to him, Jesus!! This
racist-sexist-church going asshole
is just trying to confuse you all!
You have the power to silence him!
Don’t let Mel Gibson talk and walk
all over You! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!

MEL GIBSON
Your story, my great Redeemer,
will change life itself for the
greater good. It was your Father
who called me to make this movie.
“The Passion of the Christ.” We’re
here to make sure nothing goes
differently than what God planned.

TITLE CARD: AND NOW... FOR THE TWIST

JUDAS
I did it. I betrayed Jesus Christ.
For thirty pieces of silver. Fuck it.

PETER
WHAT THE SCHMUCKIN’ FUCK?!

T.T.T. JESUS SWINGS HER SIGN AT JESUS’ CHEST AND IMPALES HIM
WITH IT!!! BLOOD GUSHES OUT OF HIS CHEST!! EVERYONE GASPS!!!

PETER
JESUS FUCKIN’ CHRIST!!

JOHN
THAT PRONOUN KILLED JESUS!!

T.T.T JESUS
HAHA! I’M MORE THAN JUST A PRONOUN!

KA-BOOM! A LIGHTNING COMES CRASHING UNTO T.T.T. JESUS! SUDDENLY,

SHE CHANGES INTO A TOWERING HORNED PUSSY HAT DRAGON!!

MIGHTY WOOLY CUNT

HAHA!! I AM THE MIGHTY WOOLY CUNT:
THE MUCH FEARED AND TRIGGERED DRAGON!

Mel Gibson steps forward, but this time he is in his “ROAD

WARRIOR” outfit and holds his sawn-off shotgun in his hand.
 MEL GIBSON
Two days ago, I saw a vehicle
that would haul that tanker. You
want to get out of here? You let
me handle this.

MIGHTY WOOLY CUNT

MY PURPOSE DID NOT AMOUNT TO THIS!
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT’S LIKE TO
BE THE SAVIOR FOR A WORLD FULL OF
CONTRARIANS! THEY DON’T DESERVE ME
OR ANY US!!!

MEL GIBSON
Deserve has nothing to do with it.
It’s about finding the goodness in
people and having them prove it.
That’s why He was sent to die the
way God intended, ya itchy cunt!

MIGHTY WOOLY CUNT

BUT PEOPLE HAVE DONE SO MUCH HARM
TO THEMSELVES! WHY SHOULD THEY BE
REWARDED BY MY DEATH OR THEIRS’?!

MEL GIBSON
Because God loves all that He
created. For that, He gave all of
us His one and only Son to save
us. There is no fear in love, but
perfect love drives out fear. The
one who fears doesn’t know love.
That’s why it’s so important that
Jesus Christ is betrayed so that
this moment is written down in a
bible or turned into a box office
smashing hit of a movie. Come on,
lil’ Sheila. Look into heart and
find the love that lives in You.

MIGHTY WOOLY CUNT looks like she’s going to reconsider.

QUEEN FECKLESS CUNT

YOU’RE RIGHT. EVEN I CAN FIND SOME
MIDDLE GROUND THERE. IT’S JUST...
IT’S JUST... I’M NOT READY TO ADMIT
IT. THERE’S JUST TOO MUCH AT STAKE!
MIGHTY WOOLY CUNT SPEWS FIRES AND BURNS EVERYONE! MEL GIBSON
FIRES HIS SHOTGUN AS MANY TIMES AT MIGHTY WOOLY CUNT!! A STREAM
OF FIRE HITS MEL GIBSON, WOUNDING HIM!! MIGHTY WOOLY CUNT TOWERS
OVER HIM.

MIGHTY WOOLY CUNT

ANY LAST WORDS, MARTIN RIGGS?!!

MEL GIBSON
YEAH... MERRY CHRISTMAS, YA CUNT!

MIGHTY WOOLY CUNT

HUH?!!

Suddenly, a HUGE BOLT OF LIGHTNING STRIKES MIGHTY WOOLY CUNT,

TURNING HER INTO A PILE OF COCA-COLAS. Mel Gibson looks up and
chuckles. Suddenly, a miracle... SANTA CLAUS and MATTHEW
MCCONAUGHEY in his “INTERSTELLAR” space suit DESCEND FROM ABOVE.
They land on the ground and walk around the aftermath.

SANTA CLAUS
(refined English accent)
If there was ever a moment for a
deus ex machina device to be used,
this would be an applicable
occasion. Dreadful mess.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
All right. All right. All right.

SANTA CLAUS
Oh, do shut up, McConaughey! It's
bad enough you look like a bag of
crisps! Look at this mess! There's
nothing mysterious about all this.
The real mystery is why nobody calls
Him out on His incompetence! He may
be an affable god, but ineptness is
no excuse for this great fuckery!

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
L-I-V-I-N.

MEL GIBSON (O.S.)

Santa? W-- are y--, ya big bugger?

Santa Claus stands over Mel Gibson, sighing.

 SANTA CLAUS
Another fine mess you’ve gotten
yourself into, old boy?

MEL GIBSON
Wuh-wasn't too bad, wuzzit?

SANTA CLAUS
(dryly)
Between this and the rescue
mission of Nazi Jesus and Police
Constable Jesus, I’d’ve rather
gone through the Third Reich of
the Bobbies all over again.

MEL GIBSON
Heh. Those were the glory days,
weren't they? Still... coulda...
coulda been worse.
(vomits blood)
I'm dying, Santa. It's all over.

SANTA CLAUS
Come on, old boy. Where’s that
Dunkirk spirit, eh?

MEL GIBSON
Save it. I’m just here for the
guzzolene, mate. It’s the end of
the road for me. Fury road. Hah!

Mel Gibson’s eyes turn into X’s. He is dead. Santa Claus sighs.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
You just gotta keep on livin’,
man. L-I-V-I-N.

SANTA CLAUS
Perhaps. But that’s not for us to
decide. It’s His will be done.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
L-I-V-I-N.

SANTA CLAUS
Perhaps. Perhaps one day they will
understand what was done for them.
 MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
All right. All right. All right.

SANTA CLAUS
“What happens now?” We make things
right again. It’s in His hands now.
It’s a ghastly business sometimes.
Perhaps out of this God-awful mess
they could learn a lesson or two in
gratitude! And we could finally have
peace on Earth and good will toward
men! Oh, crumbs! Is that the time?!
Come on then. We mustn't waste any
more time. It's getting late. I've
got letters to peruse over and mull
over the naughty or nice list.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
All right. All right. All right.

SANTA CLAUS
What message?

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
L-I-V-I-N.

SANTA CLAUS
Oh, please! That’s preposterous!
You are clearly overthinking it!

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
All right. All right. All right.

SANTA CLAUS
Well, of course people can’t help
themselves but interpret what they
don’t fully understand. They look
for meaning where there is none and
read too much into something that’s
not there. Because of that, these
people have gone completely mad
from their misunderstandings and
thus, put the world in a state of
horrendous chaos and retardation.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
All right. All right. All right.
 SANTA CLAUS
Right. Like apophenia or whatever.
But it’s like I said, “It’s in His
hands now.”

Santa Claus pulls out the INFINITY GAUNTLET from “AVENGERS:

INFINITY WAR.” He puts in on. After a BEAT, Santa Claus snaps
his gloved fingers! BOOOOMM!!!!

CUT TO WHITE SCREEN:

INT. ROOM OF THE LAST SUPPER – NIGHT

We’re back where we started. Jesus and the Twelve Apostles sit
at a long table where they prepare to feast their supper. Long
pause. Judas sits there, profusely sweating and shaking.

JESUS
I shall dip this bread into this
cup and pass it to the one who
will betray me. It is written.

Jesus dips the bread into His cup. DRAMATIC CLOSE-UPS of the
Apostles. Judas is shaking. Jesus passes the bread to His
disciples to the left and right of Him.

Suddenly, Judas stands up and walks out of the room in a hurry.

The Apostles murmur amongst each other.

SIMON
Where is Judas going, Rabbi?

JESUS
Judas is on his own path tonight,
Simon. A path akin to Herod, and
Goliath’s and Cain.
(snorts laughs)
Which actually reminds me of a
joke. Yu might enjoy this. How long
did Cain hate his brother for?

TITLE CARD: HERE COMES THE PUNCH LINE

BACK TO THE SCENE:

JESUS (CONT’D)
As long as he was Abel too!
Suddenly, we hear a STUDIO AUDIENCE BOOING, JEERING and HISSING
at Jesus!

JESUS (CONT’D)
Oh, come on! That wasn't bad! No!
No! Don't leave! I'm about to die
for your sins! Please forgive me!

CAMERA TRACKS AWAY from the room of the Last Supper, revealing
it to be an IMAGE on a PRINTED SHEET OF PAPER on top of a WORK
BENCH in some CLUTTERED GARAGE! CAMERA continues TRACKING AWAY
from the garage and out into...

EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

...the sidewalk of a suburban neighborhood. CAMERA MOVES

FORWARD, along the sidewalk. Suddenly, Jesus appears in front of
the CAMERA, stopping it.

JESUS
I admit I pissed the ending of the
film away with that sin of a joke!
But please don’t let them pay fo--

Suddenly, a MASSIVE HAND from above grabs Jesus and pulls Him up
and out of FRAME! CAMERA TILTS and PANS UP towards the blue sky.

BOOMING VOICE
GET ON WITH IT!!!

MUSIC ON: “Ein Prosit” by Joe Raphael Und Die Party-Singers.

END CREDITS FADE IN:

T H E E N D