Friendzone

by Faiz Arbain

I feel lost, confused. I am heartbroken, the girl I always wanted has come in my life,
and I got to know her. I really wanted to date her, but the day I asked her, I was too late as
she already got a boyfriend! Hoping that they would break up one day, I waited for her as a
friend. Three months later, her boyfriend left her as I hope it would happen. I wanted to ask
her out at that moment, however I knew she would want time to rest, thus I gave her some
time. I gave her weeks, months. Then finally asked her, her response was very strange! She
said she was not ready, I understood, but I was very confused. Now, she was dating someone
else. At this point, I really wanted to give up, but I did not. Sounds stupid, but that is what I did.

Every time I got a text message, call, I would rush to check my phone, hoping it was
from her, and when it was, I would catch myself smiling. If it were not her, I would not get sad,
nor angry, but disappointed. I love talking to her so much. She was a dry texter but I am okay
with that. I make sure I am able to text her back as soon as possible as I want to prove it that
I care about her. I want her to feel that she is loved.

But sometimes, thinking negatively really hurts, especially telling myself “She’ll never
be yours, you lost.” It was never a good thing to do that. The reason I always end up thinking
like that because I am hurt, I feel broken. It was hard to keep yourself happy when you feel
this way. The way I avoid thinking like that, is thinking the good way of it. Telling myself “Never
give up, she’ll be yours someday, it’s just a matter of time” gives me the courage to keep on
trying and not give up easily.

I never really understood why she said she wants to date me but can’t. If you,
personally are going through this. Do you ever tell yourself “As long as she is happy, I will be
fine,”? In reality, I was just trying to make myself feel better, because I feel hopeless. I feel
that I’m not good enough for her. That is how one-sided love works, can agree with that.

If only I was wise enough to realize that I am just telling lies to myself and torturing my
heart, I would not end up to be in this little space, with only steel bars as a door, trapped with
others who regretted for their past mistakes. Counting days of when we can finally move freely,
go wherever we want with no time detention and if you ask me where do I want to go, I will
definitely go to her grave say “I love you Maya, I’m so sorry”.
Me/ I Maya