BRIAN BRITISH BY MARK J.

OLIVER

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BRIAN BRITISH BY MARK J. OLIVER

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 BRIAN BRITISH BY MARK J. OLIVER

Brian British:
Part-time Teacher, Full-time Detective

By Mark J. Oliver

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 BRIAN BRITISH BY MARK J. OLIVER

Copyright © Mark J. Oliver 2016

Mark J. Oliver has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs
and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

This book is a work of fiction. Any resemblance between these

fictional characters and actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not,

by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out
or otherwise circulated without the publisher's prior
consent in any form of binding or cover other than that
in which it is published and without a similar condition,
including this condition, being imposed
on the subsequent purchaser.

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BRIAN BRITISH BY MARK J. OLIVER

For my students, past and present

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 BRIAN BRITISH BY MARK J. OLIVER

Table of Contents

How to use the dictionary on your phone, e-reader or tablet

Reader Feedback
Chapter 1 – Prague, Saturday 27th June
Chapter 2 – London, Saturday 3rd July
Chapter 3 – Brighton, Wednesday 7th July
Chapter 4 – Brighton, Friday 9th July
Chapter 5 – Brighton, Monday 12th July
Chapter 6 – Brighton, Thursday 15th July
Chapter 7 – Brighton, Friday 16th July
Chapter 8 – London, Monday 19th July
Writing Activities
Vocabulary Revision

Link to printable PDF version: https://goo.gl/YVzbVo

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 BRIAN BRITISH BY MARK J. OLIVER

How to use the dictionary on your phone, e-reader or tablet

When you don’t understand a word, press your finger on it. A definition will come onto the screen,
telling you what the word means and giving an example sentence. This is a great way for you to learn new
words and better understand the story.
Some electronic readers (for example, Kindle) will also save these words. Kindle calls this section
“vocabulary builder”. It is a very useful learning tool and can make flashcards. Looking at these new
words every day will improve your English vocabulary.
Dictionaries are useful, but sometimes it is better not to use one. When you see a word you don’t
understand, try to guess the meaning by looking at the other words in the sentence to help you. This is an
important reading skill. It is called inferencing.

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Reader Feedback

After you finish the story, let me know what you think about Brian British by completing this online
questionnaire: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/JLV2867
You can also write a short review or simply leave a rating by clicking on this Amazon link:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01BMMZ2MK
Or this Goodreads link:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/29067310

Good luck with your language learning and ENJOY the book.

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Chapter 1 — Prague, Saturday 27th June

Two shadows dropped from the museum roof. They landed softly, like falling cats. One shadow was
short and fat; the other, tall and thin. They wore black. The gloves on their hands, the shoes on their feet,
the caps on their heads and the masks hiding their faces, all were the colour of midnight.
The two shadows looked around. They were standing in the middle of the museum’s jewel
exhibition. Gemstones of every kind sparkled in glass cabinets. There were red rubies, green emeralds,
blue sapphires and white pearls. But the shadows weren’t interested in those. The shadows were
interested in the beautiful diamond shining like a star in the centre of the room. The shadows were thieves
and what they loved stealing most were diamonds.
The short, fat thief walked over to a metal box attached to the museum wall. A gloved hand went into
a pocket and came out with a smartphone. The thief pressed the phone against the metal box. Two
seconds later the room’s security cameras turned off.
Next, the tall, thin thief pulled a laser gun from a bag and pointed it at the cabinet with the diamond
inside. Red light came from the gun and cut through the thick glass. It made no sound.
When a square of cut glass fell from the cabinet, the short, fat thief jumped forward and caught it.
The tall, thin thief reached a hand into the cabinet and took the diamond. ‘Got it,’ the thief whispered
in a voice soft and gentle like a spring wind: a woman’s voice. She put the diamond and the laser gun
inside the bag.
‘Well done, darling,’ said the short, fat thief. This time, the voice was deep and strong: a man’s
voice.
She pulled a second gun from the bag and gave it to him. This gun was long with a hook at one end
and lots of rope inside. He pointed it at the roof and fired. The hook shot upwards, taking the rope with it.
The thief pulled the rope. It was strong and tight.
‘It’s time to go, sweetheart,’ he said and put his arm around his partner.
The gun had a red button on its side. He pressed it and they flew out of the museum.
On the museum roof, they stood for a moment, looking out across the city. At night, Prague was
beautiful.
‘It’s wonderful,’ she said.
‘It is, isn’t it?’ he said. ‘We do work in some great places.’
‘And our next job is in the best place of all,’ she said. ‘Home.’

Question Time
Why do you think the Shadow Thieves steal diamonds?
Why were the Shadow Thieves wearing black clothes?
Have you ever been to Prague? Click here to have a look.

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Chapter 2 — London, Saturday 3rd July

Brian British took the last piece of his cheese and pickle sandwich, put it in his mouth, chewed three
times, swallowed and knocked on the door. He wore a blue suit, white shirt and purple tie. The tie was
new, a birthday present from his parents. Today he turned twenty-seven. He was the youngest detective
at Scotland Yard, London’s biggest police station, and a very happy one. He loved his job. He loved
being a policeman.
‘Come in,’ came a shout from behind the door. It was his boss, Superintendent Christine Jones. When
she was younger, Christine Jones was the best detective in England. Now, she had twenty detectives
working for her. She was a strong woman with cold, intelligent eyes. She liked high-heeled shoes,
cappuccinos and shouting at people.
Brian walked into the room. His heart was beating—boom-boom, boom-boom. There were two
reasons for his booming heart. First, he was frightened of his boss. She was a scary woman and she was
single. Everybody in Scotland Yard knew Christine Jones liked Brian; and not because he was a detective.
She liked Brian because he was handsome, young and most importantly of all single. Christine Jones
always got what she wanted and right now she wanted Brian British.
The second reason Brian was nervous was because the superintendent was going to give him a new
case to solve. Brian wanted an exciting one.
‘Good afternoon, Ma’am,’ said Brian.
Christine Jones stared at him for a long time. She wore a silk blouse, blood-red lipstick and a lot of
hairspray. She had a hungry look on her face.
Brian smiled weakly.
She waved a hand at the seat across the desk from her, and said, ‘Sit down, Brian.’
Brian sat down.
‘Have you heard of the Shadow Thieves?’ she asked.
‘Yes, Ma’am,’ said Brian.
Every police officer in the country knew about the Shadow Thieves. They were the most famous
jewel thieves in the world. They stole from everybody: Japanese sumo wrestlers, French film stars,
Chinese politicians, Thai princesses. Nobody’s jewels were safe from the Shadow Thieves.
‘I want you to catch them,’ she said.
Brian sat up straight. He looked at his boss. ‘Me?’
She pulled a file out of her desk drawer. ‘Interpol has asked for our help.’
‘Interpol?’ said Brian, raising his eyebrows. Interpol were the world’s largest police organisation.
They had the best detectives on the planet working for them. Why were they asking for help?
‘The Shadow Thieves are in England,’ she said. ‘Interpol have their names and photographs, but they
don’t have the evidence to arrest them. It’s your job to get that evidence.’
Brian took a deep breath. Interpol, Shadow Thieves, this was a big case, his biggest ever. He wanted
to jump out of his seat, punch the air and shout: ‘yes!’ But he didn’t. He was a detective and detectives
were cool, like ice cubes; and ice cubes didn’t jump out of seats, punch the air and shout like schoolboys.

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‘What do we know about them?’ asked Brian, ice-cube cool.

The superintendent took a photograph from the file and placed it on the desk in front of Brian. It was
a wedding photo. The bride was tall and thin, the groom short and fat.
‘Meet Jane and John Kern from Bristol,’ she said.
‘They’re English?’
She nodded.
Brian looked at the faces in the photograph. They were a normal couple: nothing special, nothing
shadowy. ‘They look normal,’ he said.
‘They’re English teachers.’
‘Teachers?’ said Brian, shocked. He thought teachers were the most boring people on the planet.
Teachers read books and marked homework; they didn’t steal jewels.
‘Well,’ said the superintendent, ‘they were teachers before. Now they’re teacher trainers.’
Trainers, thought Brian and in his mind he saw his favourite pair of trainers: his Nike Air Max 90’s,
red and white and as comfortable as an old man’s slippers. ‘What’s a teacher trainer?’ he asked.
‘Somebody who trains people how to teach,’ she answered. ‘Jane and John Kern train new English
teachers all over the world. They work in a country for a short time and while they are there, they steal
jewels, usually diamonds. Then they fly to the next job before the police can catch them.’
‘It’s perfect,’ said Brian.
‘Yes, it is. And now the Shadow Thieves have come home. They’re in Brighton doing a two-week
course called an “introduction to teaching”’.
‘What’s the plan, Ma’am?’ asked Brian
The superintendent looked at him in a strange way, and asked, ‘How good is your grammar?’
‘Why?’ asked Brian. This was not the sort of question he usually got asked.
‘You’re a detective, Brian,’ she said. ‘Think about it.’
Brian thought about it. When the answer came, his mouth dropped open. ‘No,’ he said.
‘Yes,’ she said, smiling. ‘Brian, you’re going to become Scotland Yard’s first English teacher. Your
training starts on Monday.’

Question Time
Have you ever had a scary boss?
Do you know any of these famous detectives: Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Watson, Hercule Poirot, Miss
Marple, Max Payne, Tin Tin, L Lawliet, Inspector Gadget?
Which detective do you like the most?
Click here to see the headquarters of London’s police force, Scotland Yard.
Do you think Brian will like teaching?

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Chapter 3 — Brighton, Wednesday 7th July

Brian sat at the back of the room, sucking on a mint. He was nervous. Things were moving fast, too
fast. He wanted to go back to Scotland Yard. At the police station, he felt safe. But he wasn’t at Scotland
Yard; he was at Brighton Summer English School, sitting and sweating in classroom 201.
Jane Kern walked to the front of the class. She was tall and thin, like an exclamation point with arms!
‘Brian British,’ she said, ‘it’s your turn to teach.’
Brian swallowed his mint, stood up and walked to the front of the class. In the classroom, there were
four tables of students. They came from all over the world: Brazil, Japan, China, Spain, Russia, Saudi
Arabia. They wanted to learn English and they wanted Brian to teach it to them; Brian wanted to go back
to his police station and do police work.
However, he had a case to solve and to do that he needed to teach. Brian picked up a marker pen. On
the board, he wrote: The Present Continuous. Then he turned to the students and started teaching.
Two hours later, Brian sat in the school staffroom. Opposite him was Jane Kern, shadow thief and
teacher trainer. They were talking about his lesson.
‘Did you think it was a good lesson?’ asked Jane Kern.
Brian shook his head. ‘No.’
‘Why not?’
Brian thought about the lesson and his face went red. ‘I talked too fast and too much, the students
didn’t understand me and I made some spelling mistakes.’ He stopped and thought. ‘Also my handwriting
was messy, some students couldn’t read it.’
Jane Kern smiled and said, ‘Very good.’
‘What?’
‘That’s very good,’ said Jane Kern. ‘Now that you know which things you did badly, next time you
can do them differently. Am I right?’
Brian didn’t think she was right. For his next lesson, on Friday afternoon, he had to teach students the
phonemic chart. There was a poster of the chart on the wall. Every time Brian tried to read it his head
went funny. It looked like an alphabet for aliens and Brian had two days to learn it.
‘I’ll do my best,’ he said.
Jane Kern said goodbye and met her husband in the hall. John Kern kissed her on the cheek and
together they left the school. Every day they finished work at five o’clock, had dinner in a nearby
restaurant and then walked back to their hotel, the Blue Prince Hotel. Brian knew this because every
evening he followed them.
That evening Brian followed them again. They had their dinner in a Chinese restaurant about half a
mile from the school. Hungry and tired, Brian stood behind a tree and watched them eat their chicken
noodles and egg fried rice. His empty stomach went rumble-rumble-rumble.
Brian hoped they were going to commit a robbery that night. He really wanted to catch them before
Friday — before his next lesson.

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After dinner, they walked back to the Blue Prince Hotel. Brian watched them walk into the hotel and
then he crossed the street and walked into an ugly, old building. This was Budget Palace, the hotel where
Brian was staying. It was probably the worst hotel in all of Brighton. However, from his window, he
could see into John and Jane Kern’s room. So for Brian the hotel was perfect.
Brian ran up to the fourth floor (Budget Palace had no lift), unlocked his door and went inside. He
didn’t turn on the light.
A pair of binoculars lay on his bed. He picked them up and went over to the window. His room had
horrible, yellow curtains at least fifty years old. He pulled one back and began watching John and Jane
Kern in their room. With his other hand, he pulled out his mobile phone and rang the Brighton Rock Pizza
Delivery Service.
That night John and Jane Kern didn’t rob anyone. They stayed in their hotel room watching
television. At eleven o’clock they turned it off and went to sleep.
Brian put down his binoculars and rubbed his eyes. Then he switched on his computer and in Google
typed: phonemic chart. The strange symbols flashed onto his screen. Brian picked up the last slice of
pizza, put it in his mouth and started studying. It was going to be a long night.

Question Time
Do you study at a language school? What do you like most about it?
Click here to see the phonemic chart.
Do you know any of the phonemic symbols?
Click here to watch a video about the phonemic chart.
Do you think Brian will teach a good pronunciation lesson?

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Chapter 4 — Brighton, Friday 9th July

Brian walked out of the classroom. He had a smile on his face: his pronunciation class was a success.
He remembered most of the phonemic symbols and his students had fun. Maybe teaching wasn’t that bad
after all.
Jane Kern came out after him. ‘Brian,’ she said, ‘is it okay to talk to you about your lesson on
Monday? John and I need to leave early today.’
Brian’s brain stopped thinking about teaching. ‘Sure, that’s fine with me,’ he said, before asking
calmly, ‘Have you got something special planned?’
‘Oh yes,’ she said, smiling. ‘Very special.’
She said goodbye and walked down the hall.
Brian pulled a chocolate bar from his pocket and began eating it. This was it. Tonight the Shadow
Thieves were finally going to steal some jewels.
One hour later, John and Jane Kern walked out of their hotel. John Kern carried a black bag. A taxi
stopped for them and they got inside.
Brian watched from his hotel. When the taxi drove away, he ran to his car, which was parked down
the street. His 20-year-old Nissan was brown, dirty and full of empty crisp packets; but it was a perfect
car for following criminals in. They never noticed it coming after them.
John and Jane Kern got out of the taxi in front of a large and very expensive-looking hotel. Beautiful
gold letters, a metre tall, told everybody that this was the Old Brighton Hotel. The two thieves walked
inside. They held hands and looked like a normal married couple; but Brian British, sitting in his Nissan
Sunny ten metres away, knew they weren’t normal; they were the Shadow Thieves and about to rob
somebody in that hotel.
Brian had to get inside, he had to catch them; but first he had to find a parking space. He drove past
the hotel and along the beach, looking for somewhere to park.
Fifteen minutes later Brian was still in his car. There were no parking spaces anywhere. ‘Argh,’ he
shouted and hit the steering wheel.
In the end, he parked his car on Brighton Hill outside a fish and chip shop. Brian got out of his car
and a wonderful smell hit his nostrils. He looked through the window at the piles of chips. He could
almost taste them.
Sadly, Brian had no time for chips. The Old Brighton Hotel was a twenty-minute run away. Brian
turned his nose away from the take-away café and started running. Soon it started to rain. ‘Argh,’ he
shouted again. He hated rain.
When Brian arrived at the hotel, he was wet and cold and angry. The styling gel in his hair was gone
and he looked a mess. He put his hand through his hair, took off his jacket and walked inside. He spent
the next hour moving through the hotel, looking for John and Jane Kern. He checked the lobby, bar,
restaurant and the hotel’s many corridors. He didn’t find the Shadow Thieves anywhere.
Brian said some bad words and went outside. He decided to catch the Shadow Thieves when they
came out of the hotel with the stolen jewels in their bag. It was still raining heavily. Brian crossed the
street and walked over to a bus stop, stepping under its plastic roof. Next to him two old ladies chatted.
They smiled at Brian and he smiled back.

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‘Nice weather,’ he said, and then added, ‘for ducks.’

The ladies laughed and Brian felt a little better. He put his hands in his pockets and watched the hotel
entrance. Rain drummed against the roof above him.
At three o’clock in the morning, Brian said to himself, No more. I’m hungry and cold and I want to
go home. He put his jacket over his head and stepped out into the rain.
Luckily, when he got back to his car, the fish-and-chip shop was still open. He ate a large portion of
chips, three fish cakes and a sausage and drove back to the hotel. The food was fantastic and his stomach
was full, but he was not happy. His mission was a failure. The Shadow Thieves were still free.

Inside the Old Brighton Hotel all was quiet. It was four o’clock in the morning and all of the guests
were in bed. The only staff working were the two night-shift porters and they sat at reception watching
TV and talking about the next day’s football match between Brighton and the touring Japanese team,
Cerezo Osaka.
On the third floor of the hotel, two shadows stepped out of a storeroom. It was John and Jane Kern,
the Shadow Thieves. They walked slowly up the hall and stopped in front of room 302.
‘Are you ready, darling?’ whispered Jane Kern.
John Kern nodded and they put on their masks.
Jane Kern pulled two metal sticks from behind her ear. She stood in front of the door and put the
sticks inside the lock. Quietly, she opened the door.
Inside the hotel room, a woman was sleeping. She had beautiful, long hair and silk pyjamas. Around
her neck she wore a necklace made of pearls; around her finger she wore a large, diamond ring.
Jane and John Kern walked into the room, closed the door and went up to the sleeping woman. They
made no noise. Jane put her hand under the woman’s hair. When she pulled her hand back, it was holding
the pearl necklace. She gave the necklace to her husband and he gave her a small bottle. It was a tiny
shampoo bottle like you get in hotels. In fact it was from a hotel. The bottle had ‘Blue Prince Hotel’
written on it.
Jane Kern looked down at the sleeping woman. The diamond ring sparkled on her finger. Jane Kern
opened the bottle and poured shampoo over the woman’s finger. Then, slowly, she pulled the ring off.
The woman moved a little, but she didn’t wake up.
Jane Kern gave the ring to her husband and then went over to the window and opened it. Outside, the
empty streets were silent. The Shadow Thieves stepped through the window and onto a narrow ledge.
John Kern closed the window behind him and, very carefully, he and his wife walked around to the side
of the hotel. Then they started to climb downwards.
John Kern reached the ground first. He lifted his arms and helped his wife down. ‘Lovely work,
darling,’ he said, taking off his mask.
‘Thanks, honey,’ she said.
They went behind a bush and changed into their normal clothes. Then, they walked into the centre of
town and caught a taxi back to their hotel.

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Question Time
Have you stayed in many hotels? Which was your favourite? Why?
Have you ever tried English fish and chips? Did you like them? Click here to find out why they are so
popular.
How do you think Brian will feel when he reads about the robbery?

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Chapter 5 — Brighton, Monday 12th July

Brian picked up the newspaper. On the front page was the headline: ‘Robbery at the Old Brighton
Hotel’. Beneath it in bold was the sub-heading: ‘Shadow Thieves steal Hollywood actress Lucy
Belmont’s jewels while she sleeps’.
Brian put the newspaper down. He didn’t read the story. He didn’t need to. The morning after the
hotel robbery, Superintendent Christine Jones had phoned Brian and told him all about it. It wasn’t a fun
phone call.
Brian dropped the newspaper onto the table and looked around the staff room. The other new teachers
sat reading their lesson plans. In the kitchen area Jane Kern poured two cups of coffee. When she saw
Brian looking at her, she smiled.
It was difficult, but Brian smiled back.
At that moment John Kern walked into the room. His wife saw him, smiled and took over his coffee.
He kissed her on the cheek. Brian clenched his fist. They looked like the perfect married couple. But
under all the kisses and friendly smiles, they were criminals. And Brian had only one week left to prove
it.
‘Are you coming, Brian?’ said John Kern. He had his laptop held under his arm. Brian never saw the
man without it.
‘Yes, Mr Kern,’ said Brian.
Today John Kern was giving a four-hour class on teaching writing (four hours!). Brian got up and
walked slowly to the classroom. It was going to be a long morning.
John Kern had a deep, low voice. He sounded like a talking cow.
Brian sat at the back of the class. He was working very hard to keep his eyes open. He concentrated
on the words coming out of John Kern’s mouth: ‘process . . . product . . . draft . . . editing.’
The words made him sleepy. Brian looked at his watch for the fiftieth time that morning: 11.05. He
had two more hours. There was no way he could stay awake for two more hours of this.
Then an idea came to him.
Brian put one hand on his stomach and the other in the air. He made a funny face, and said, ‘I’m
sorry, Mr Kern. I feel sick. I think I should go back to my hotel.’
John Kern stopped talking and looked at Brian.
Brian did some more face twisting. ‘Bad stomach,’ he said. ‘Something I ate. Breakfast. My hotel
restaurant isn’t good.’ Brian knew he should stop talking, but he couldn’t. The words came out of him
like a waterfall. He went on, ‘Eating those sausages was a mistake.’
‘Hmmm,’ said John Kern. For a long moment he said nothing. Brian began to worry. Was John Kern
going to make him stay in class, like in primary school?
Finally John Kern spoke. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘you aren’t teaching this afternoon. Go home and I’ll email
you a copy of the notes.’
‘Thank you,’ said Brian. He grabbed his bag and walked out of the classroom, his hand against his
stomach. When he got outside, he took the hand away and ran down the street.

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He arrived at the Blue Prince Hotel with a big grin on his face. Not only did he no longer have to
listen to John Kern talk about teaching writing, but he also had six hours to search their room. When he
found the stolen jewellery, he could arrest them at last.
Brian took the lift to the fourth floor and used his police skills (very similar to criminal skills) to get
inside the room. It was much nicer than his room.
He walked to the window and looked across the street. The Budget Palace sat opposite, big and grey
and ugly. Brian saw his room with the dirty curtains hanging in the window. They were absolutely
horrible but perfect for hiding behind with a pair of binoculars.
Brian turned away from the window and started his search. The first place he looked was inside the
wardrobe. The cupboard was next. He searched under the bed, behind the sofa, in the desk drawers and
inside the bathroom. He found no jewellery, though. He scratched his head. Where were they hiding it?
Then he noticed a painting on the wall. It showed the Blue Prince Hotel fifty years ago. Brian smiled.
That was it. He walked over to it, picked it up and turned it around. His smiled vanished. The jewellery
wasn’t there either.
He sat down on the bed. What was he going to do? He couldn’t arrest them for the Old Brighton
Hotel robbery with no evidence.
He lay back on the bed and looked at the ceiling. The Shadow Thieves had one more week in
Brighton. From the Interpol report Brian knew they would rob again. They always committed two
robberies in each country. His only hope now was to catch them in the middle of their next robbery. But
he had no idea when and where it would happen.
He closed his eyes and thought hard. He needed ideas.
The bed was comfortable and the room was warm. Very soon he was asleep.
Brian dreamed. In his dream he was chasing two cats. Brian ran and ran and ran, but the cats were
quicker than him. Stop, said Brian in his dream. Stop, I have some fish for you.
‘Stop,’ shouted Brian. He woke up and looked around. This wasn’t his room. Then he remembered.
He looked at his watch. It read: 6.30. Oh no. Six thirty was the time John and Jane Kern usually got back
to the hotel.
He jumped off the bed and ran to the door. He had to get out of there. He reached for the handle and
froze. There were voices outside. He pressed his ear against the door and listened.
‘That was a lovely meal,’ said one of the voices. ‘We should go back there tomorrow.’
Brian swallowed. He knew that voice. That was John Kern outside.
A key went into the door’s lock.
The blood in Brian’s body went cold. He turned, saw the bed and dived under it. A second later, the
door swung open and John and Jane Kern stepped inside.
Brian put his hand over his mouth.
‘What a day,’ said John Kern. ‘I’m going to lie down for a bit.’
Under the bed, Brian’s eyes went big. This was not good.
‘Okay, darling,’ said Jane Kern, walking into the bathroom, ‘but only for a little while. We have a
robbery to plan, remember.’

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Brian’s mouth dropped open. The robbery. This was it, his chance to get some clues.
‘Of course, sugar bun’ said John Kern, yawning. ‘Just fifteen minutes.’
She closed the bathroom door and he walked over to the bed and sat down. The bed went creeeeek
and Brian felt it press against him.
John Kern yawned again and lay back on the bed, pushing it further down onto Brian.
From the bathroom came the sound of a shower turning on.
Once, when Brian was ten years old, he went to London zoo. At the zoo he saw one of his favourite
animals: an elephant. It was big and strong and when it called to its friends it made the most amazing
noise. It went eRowhhh-eRowhh-eRowhh.
Brian thought of that elephant now. Less than 20cm above his head John Kern was making exactly
the same sound the elephant had. John Kern was asleep and he was snoring.
Sometimes detective work was cool. Brian decided that this was not one of those times. However, he
was a professional. He would do anything to solve a case. A snoring elephant was part of the job. He
reached down, took a mint out of his pocket and put it in his mouth.
Five minutes later, the bathroom door opened and Jane Kern came out. ‘Wake up, darling,’ she said,
‘wake up.’
‘Mm, chocolate diamonds,’ said John Kern in a sleepy voice.
Jane Kern walked over to the bed and shook her husband. ‘Darling, wake up. We have a robbery to
plan.’
Under the bed, Brian had his hand back over his mouth.
‘Sorry, honey,’ said John Kern. ‘I was dreaming.’
‘And snoring,’ she said.
‘Really?’ he said, laughing.
‘Come on,’ she said, ‘turn on your laptop. We need to look at the house again. We still haven’t found
where the safe’s located.’
He got off the bed and went over to the desk. His wife sat down beside him and they opened the
laptop. Soon they were talking about the robbery.
Under the bed, Brian listened. He was getting some great information but he had a problem. He only
had one mint left and he was getting hungry. And when Brian got hungry, his stomach got noisy.
Fortunately, Jane Kern was a big movie fan and that night the hotel lounge was showing one of her
favourite films, The Maltese Falcon. After thirty minutes she and her husband turned off the computer
and went downstairs to watch it.
Brian crawled out from under the bed. He was smiling. Finally, he had some clues. The robbery was
going to happen late on Friday night. They were going to break into a rich person’s house, somebody
with a lot of jewels.
Unfortunately, Brian didn’t know who this somebody was or where they lived. The answers to those
questions, however, were on John Kern’s laptop. Brian looked around the room, but it was gone. John
Kern had it.

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Brian took out his last mint, put it in his mouth and started sucking. How was he going to get that
laptop?

Question time
Do you know anyone who snores?
Click here to see a trailer for the Maltese Falcon. Would you like to see it?
How do you think Brian is going to get John Kern’s laptop?

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Chapter 6 — Brighton, Thursday 15th July

Brian stood at the front of the class. At the back of the room sat John Kern, typing notes on his
computer. Brian stared at the laptop. For two days he had tried and failed to get hold of it. Time was
running out.
‘Mr British,’ a voice called from the front of the class. It was Pablo, a student from Spain. ‘We don’t
know what to do.’
Brian looked at him. Pablo was sat at a table with two other students, Takashi from Japan and Nok
from Thailand. On the table they had three pencil cases, five pens, three phones a cup of coffee from the
school café and three textbooks.
Brian walked up to the table. ‘Pablo,’ he said, ‘I want you, Takashi and Nok to talk about the things
on the table. Say where everything is.’
Pablo looked at the table and then at Brian. ‘I don’t understand.’
Brian looked around the class. Nobody was talking in English. Why didn’t anyone ever understand
his instructions?
Then an idea came. It hit him like a cold fish across the face. It was perfect.
He looked at John Kern at the back of the classroom. The teacher trainer had a look on his face that
said: this teacher cannot give instructions.
Brian turned to Pablo. ‘Just a moment,’ he said and walked over to John Kern.
‘Mr Kern,’ said Brian. ‘I need your laptop.’
John Kern raised an eyebrow in question.
‘Just for a minute,’ said Brian.
John Kern opened his mouth to speak; but before he could say a word, Brian took the laptop, said
‘Thanks,’ and walked to the front of the class.
He put the computer on the teacher’s desk. On its screen was a Word document with some comments
about the lesson he was teaching. He saw the words instructions and bad.
‘Okay everyone,’ said Brian, ‘stop what you are doing and look at me.’
He put his hand into his pocket and pulled out his Nokia 215 (the cheapest mobile phone in the
country). He placed it on the desk next to the laptop.
Then, in a loud clear voice, he said, ‘Listen and repeat: The phone is next to the computer.’
The students looked at him. Nobody said anything.
‘The phone is next to the computer,’ he said again, louder this time.
Again nobody spoke.
‘Please repeat the sentence,’ he said.
‘The phone next to computer,’ said half of the class.
Brian shook his head. ‘The phone is next to the computer.’

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 BRIAN BRITISH BY MARK J. OLIVER

He spoke the words ‘is’ and ‘the’ more loudly. Brian had learned this teaching technique last week.
Jane Kern called it a drill.
This time when the students said the sentence, most of them said it correctly.
Brian smiled. ‘Well done,’ he said, lowering his finger onto the laptop’s touchpad and minimizing the
Word document.
He saw a folder called My Documents and clicked on it. A list of John Kern’s files came onto the
screen. There was a clue in there somewhere, he knew. He just needed more time.
He pointed to Pablo’s table and said, ‘The phone is next to the computer.’
This time only the students on that table repeated the sentence.
As they spoke, Brian dropped his eyes and read the files on the left of the screen; he found nothing
there.
He pointed to the next table and again his eyes went down. No clue. The third table spoke and Brian
looked. Still no clue. He shook his head. Where was it?
When he looked up this time, he saw that John Kern was getting up out of his chair. He didn’t look
happy.
Oh no, thought Brian, he knows. His heart began to race.
Brian had one table left. He pointed to it and as the sentence came out of students’ mouths, he read
the files on the right of the screen.
What was this? A file saved on Monday night, the night Brian was in their hotel room. He read its
name: TR’s house plan.
This is it, he thought. This was the clue.
Brian looked up and found John Kern standing in front of him.
Brian smiled and said to his students, ‘Well done everybody. Now I want you to do the same with
your partner.’
Brian pressed the touchpad with his finger, closing the My Documents folder. He picked up the
computer and gave it to John Kern. ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘That really helped.’
‘You’re welcome,’ said John Kern. His mouth was smiling but not his eyes. His eyes had suspicion in
them.
Brian said nothing and John Kern turned and walked back to his seat.
The students were all now doing the activity, moving their things around and talking about them.
Brian sat down. His heart was going like a train engine. At last, he had a clue: TR’s house plan. He
was sure that this was the house the Shadow Thieves were going to rob and that TR were the owner’s
initials. However, he needed more than initials, he needed a name.
That night Brian searched the internet for rich and famous people living in Brighton. He found a
footballer called Tom Beckstar, a pop singer called Tabatha Lion, a race car driver called Richard
Tomkins and an actress called Rebecca Right; but he found nobody with a first name starting with T and a
family name starting with R.

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 BRIAN BRITISH BY MARK J. OLIVER

He turned off the computer. It was ten o’clock. Tomorrow night the Shadow Thieves were going to
strike again and Brian had no idea whose house they were going to rob.
Tomorrow was Brian’s last chance to catch them. The morning after, they were flying to their next
job, somewhere far away from England.
There was only one thing to do.
‘What can I get you?’ asked the barman.
Brian was in The Sailor’s Arms, a charming old pub near his hotel. ‘Half a pint of orange juice and
half a pint of lemonade, please,’ he said. This was Brian’s favourite pub drink: he never drank alcohol.
The barman looked at Brian. He was a handsome man with a big, grey moustache. ‘You look like you
need something stronger,’ he said.
Brian smiled and said, ‘I’ll have two pickled eggs and a packet of salt and vinegar crisps too.’
The barman gave Brian the crisps and the eggs. Brian put one of the vinegar-soaked eggs into his
mouth. It was delicious.
The barman poured orange juice and lemonade into a tall ice-filled glass and gave it to Brian.
Brian took a long drink. It was sweet and cold and good. ‘Ahh,’ he said.
‘Hard day?’ asked the barman.
Brian nodded. ‘And tomorrow’s going to be harder.’
‘Work?’ asked the barman.
‘Kind of,’ said Brian. ‘I’m doing a teaching course here.’
‘You don’t look like a teacher,’ said the barman.
‘Thank you,’ said Brian.
‘Where in London are you from?’ asked the barman.
Brian laughed. ‘Is my accent that strong?’
‘I know a Londoner when I hear one,’ said the barman.
‘I’m from Tottenham,’ said Brian. ‘How about you?’
‘I’m from Brighton,’ said the barman. ‘I’ve lived here all my life.’
‘You’re lucky.’
Brian liked Brighton. It was a cool town with nice shops, art cafés and a clean pebble beach. It rained
less than in London. Also, the local people were friendlier. When they walked down the street, they said
‘Good morning’ and ‘Good afternoon’ and often knew each other’s names.
That gave Brian an idea. He looked at the barman and said, ‘Do you know anyone in town with the
initials TR? Someone famous, like a footballer or a singer or a rich businessman?’
The barman scratched his moustache. ‘Let me think.’
Brian put a handful of crisps into his mouth and chewed.

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The barman’s eyes lit up. ‘Thomas Robertson,’ he said.

Brian swallowed. ‘Thomas Robertson? Who’s he?’
‘A local businessman,’ said the barman. ‘A gambler. He bets on everything: horse racing, football,
cricket. He’s a big name in Brighton because when he wins a lot of money he gives half of it to charities
in town.’
Brian’s heart began to dance. ‘What does he do with the other half of the money?’ he asked.
‘He buys jewels,’ said the barman. ‘Diamonds, sapphires, rubies, the bigger the better. He has a safe
full of them.’
John picked up the second egg and put it in his mouth. When he finished chewing, he looked at the
barman and asked: ‘Do you know where he lives?’
The barman smiled. ‘Everybody knows where Thomas Robertson lives.'
Thirty minutes later, Brian was standing in front of Thomas Robertson’s house. The gambler’s home
was next to the beach, not far from the Old Brighton Hotel.
Brian put a mint in his mouth and, with watchful detective’s eyes, looked at Thomas Robertson’s
home. It had three floors and a roof garden. A window on the top floor was open and had light coming
from inside of it. Thomas Robertson’s bedroom, he thought.
He looked at the roof garden. Hundreds of flowers swayed from side to side in the gentle sea breeze.
They were surrounded by lights. It was beautiful. But inside the house there was something more
beautiful: jewels. And tomorrow night the Shadow Thieves were going to try to steal them. But this time,
somebody was going to stop them. And that somebody was called Brian British.
At half past eleven the light in the bedroom window went off. Thirty minutes later the roof lights
went off. Brian nodded his head. He had the last piece of information he needed: the Shadow Thieves
were going to rob this place between midnight and sunrise.
There was one thing left to do. Slowly, he walked towards the house and rang the doorbell.

Question Time
Click here to have a look at Brighton. Would you like to visit this English town?
In Brian’s class, he makes every student repeat what he says. Does your English teacher do this? Why do
you think teachers do this?
Do you know anybody with the initials T and R?
Do you think Brian is going to catch the Shadow Thieves? How?

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 BRIAN BRITISH BY MARK J. OLIVER

Chapter 7 — Brighton, Friday 16th July

Friday was the longest day of Brian’s life. In the morning, he had a class on educational technology,
followed by a goodbye lunch with all of the new teachers. In the afternoon, he taught his last class, a one-
hour grammar lesson on the present perfect simple.
The whole day all he could think about was catching the Shadow Thieves. He felt full of energy, the
way he felt before playing an important football match. But this was not a game, this was real life; this
was police work, the best work in the world.
‘Well done, Brian,’ said Jane Kern. ‘You passed the course.’
‘Thank you,’ said Brian.
They were stood in the staffroom. It was five o’clock and John and Jane Kern were saying their
goodbyes. ‘What country do you want to teach in?’ she asked.
‘I don’t know,’ said Brian. ‘Somewhere sunny with a beach.’
She laughed. ‘You’re already thinking like an English teacher.’
I hope not, thought Brian. ‘Where are you going next?’ he asked, though he knew she wouldn’t give
him a true answer.
‘We’re not sure yet,’ she said. ‘Maybe Japan.’
Or maybe prison, thought Brian, smiling at his secret joke. ‘Japan. Wow, that’s great,’ he said.
Behind him, John Kern coughed loudly and everyone stopped talking.
‘I just want to say that it’s been a pleasure training you all,’ he said. ‘I really do believe that
teaching’s the best job in the world. I hope you enjoy it. Good luck to you all.’
‘Yes,’ said Jane Kern, standing beside her husband. ‘Good luck everybody.’
Then they waved goodbye and walked out of the school.
Brian waited a few minutes and then went outside and got into his car. He started the engine but
didn’t drive anywhere. He sat in his seat and thought. Was he doing the right thing? Maybe he should just
phone the Brighton police station and tell them everything?
Brian shook his head. No, he told himself, if the Shadow Thieves see the police, they’ll run and I’ll
never see them again. I started this alone and I’m going to finish it alone.
He took a deep breath, looked at Brighton Summer English School one last time and drove away.

At two o’clock in the morning a taxi stopped in front of the Blue Prince Hotel. John and Jane Kern
opened the car door and got inside. A full moon shone brightly in the night sky.
‘The Old Brighton Hotel, please,’ said John Kern, his black bag on his lap.
Jane Kern squeezed his hand. ‘Here we go again,’ she said, smiling.
They got out of the taxi at the Old Brighton Hotel and walked along the beach. In his bag John Kern
had everything they needed.

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When they got to Thomas Robertson’s house, they saw all of the lights were off. For ten minutes John
and Jane Kern waited in the moonlight, looking for danger. But there was nothing strange or unusual, no
policemen hiding in bushes or policewomen behind trees. All they could hear was the crashing of waves
on the beach behind them.
They looked at each other, nodded and walked into the darkness at the side of Thomas Robertson’s
house. They took off their clothes, revealing the black Lycra suits they wore underneath, and put on their
gloves and masks.
Then, like spiders, they climbed up the side of the building. Jane Kern went first. Her husband
followed. He was a heavy man, but he moved quickly and silently.
The Shadow Thieves reached the top of the building and stepped into the garden. Everywhere flowers
glowed under the full moon.
‘This way, darling,’ whispered Jane Kern, pointing to a door at the other side of the roof.
‘I know the way, honey,’ said John Kern.
The door was locked. However, locked doors were never a problem for the Shadow Thieves. Jane
Kern used her special skills and seconds later they were climbing down the steps and into the house.
John Kern pointed to a door at the end of the hall: Thomas Robertson’s bedroom. They walked
towards it, silent as shadows.
John Kern put his ear against the door. Inside Thomas Robertson was snoring noisily. John Kern
smiled. That was good. Now he didn’t need to use the sleeping medicine in his pocket.
They walked back along the corridor and went down the stairs to the second floor. The curtains were
closed so it was very dark. John Kern opened his bag, pulled out two torches and gave one to his wife.
Thomas Robertson loved jewels, but he also loved art. This floor of the building was one big art
gallery. They pointed their torches around the room. Paintings of every size hung on the walls. Some were
pictures of people and animals; others showed the English countryside.
At the far end of the room, a giant, two-metre-wide painting of a racing horse covered the wall. The
Shadow Thieves walked towards it.
‘This is it,’ whispered Jane Kern. ‘Help me.’
Together they took the painting off the wall. It was very heavy. Behind it there was a large metal
door. This was Thomas Robertson’s safe, where he kept his most expensive paintings and, more
importantly, his jewels.
The safe door had a large lock. John Kern touched it and behind his mask he smiled. It was one of the
best locks in the world. Not many people in the world could get into a safe like this one; but he could.
This was John Kern’s favourite part of a robbery.
John Kern put his hand in his bag and pulled out his safe-breaking tools. He put his special
headphones into his ears, got down on his knees and started working on the lock.
Five minutes later, he stepped back from the safe, opened the door and whispered, ‘Ta-daa’.
‘Well done, honey,’ said Jane Kern, touching his shoulder gently.
They stepped inside, their torch lights shining. The safe was huge. On the left hung four paintings.
They didn’t know much about art, but they knew these paintings cost a lot of money.

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 BRIAN BRITISH BY MARK J. OLIVER

On the right was a metal cabinet with lots of small drawers. Jane Kern opened one. Inside, on a bed
of purple velvet, lay a diamond. It was big and beautiful.
She picked it up with one hand and pushed her mask back with the other. She wanted to have a better
look at it. When she shone her torch on the diamond, it sparkled.
‘Beautiful,’ said John Kern.
‘It is, isn’t it?’ she said.
‘I wasn’t talking about the diamond,’ he said, taking of his mask and kissing her.
She kissed him back. Life is good, she thought.
She didn’t know, however, that ten metres away somebody was hiding behind a curtain. While she
kissed her husband, this person sucked quietly on a mint. It was Brian British.
Brian’s legs were tired from standing for hours behind the curtain and he was hungry. He didn’t care.
This was it: the moment when he caught the world-famous Shadow Thieves.
He pulled his phone out of his pocket and sent a text message. In his head he counted to twenty. Then
he stepped out from his hiding place and walked towards the safe. He had no gun. He didn’t need one.
Inside the safe, the Shadow Thieves had stopped kissing. They were on their knees, opening drawers,
taking the jewels and putting them into the black bag. They didn’t see Brian coming towards them.
The phone in Brian’s pocket vibrated silently. Everything was ready.
‘Lights please, Mr Robertson,’ he said and grabbed the safe door.
On the other side of the room, Thomas Robertson, awake and holding his phone, switched on the
lights.
John and Jane Kern looked up. When they saw Brian standing with the safe door in his hand, their
mouths dropped open.
Brian looked down at them. He almost felt bad for them. They had helped him a lot with his teaching.
However, he was a detective and they were criminals. That was the life they chose.
‘Brian British?’ said John Kern, his eyes open wide in horror and confusion.
Brian smiled. He had spent two weeks thinking of something cool to say for the moment he caught
them. And now he could finally say it.
‘Class is over,’ he said and swung the safe door closed, locking it shut.

Question Time
Did you guess correctly how Brian would catch the Shadow Thieves?
How do you think Brian felt when he caught them?
What do you think Brian is going to do next?

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 BRIAN BRITISH BY MARK J. OLIVER

Chapter 8 —London, Monday 19th July

‘Good work, Brian,’ said Christine Jones.

‘I was just doing my job, Ma’am,’ said Brian.
‘Well,’ she said, ‘your job just got a lot more interesting.’
Brian looked at his boss. How could the best job in the world get more interesting?
‘Interpol called me this morning,’ she said. ‘They want you in their international team of detectives.’
‘Yes!’ shouted Brian, jumping off his seat and punching the air. Then he remembered who he was
with. ‘Sorry, ma’am.’
‘So you accept the job offer?’ she asked.
‘Of course,’ he said.
‘Excellent,’ she said. ‘There’s only one thing.’
‘What’s that?’ asked Brian.
‘When you were in Brighton, how good were you at teaching English?’
‘Well,’ he said, ‘I passed the course.’
‘Good,’ she said.
‘Why is that good?’ he asked. ‘The Shadow Thieves case is over. I caught them.’
Christine Jones smiled. ‘It’s good because Interpol want you to take a job as an English teacher.’
‘What?’
‘You’re going undercover,’ she said. ‘Your job starts tomorrow – in Bangkok.’

*****
THE END

Question Time
What did you think about Brian British: Part-time Teacher, Full-time Detective?
Let me know by doing this (short) online questionnaire: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/JLV2867
It will only take 5 minutes and is a good way to practise your English.

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Writing Activities

Writing a book review

You can post a review of this book on Amazon by clicking this link:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01BMMZ2MK
Before you write your review, check out some example book reviews on Amazon. Look at the kind of
language the writers use in their reviews. Think about how you can use this language in your review of
the book.

Summary writing
A good way to check your understanding of a story is to write a short summary (no more than 100
words). When you write a summary you can use the present or past tense. First, make a note of the most
important parts of the story. Next, make a plan. Then, write your summary. After that, check your
summary for grammar, vocabulary or punctuation mistakes. Finally, write it again – this is called drafting
and will help your writing skills.
When you have written your summary, compare it with a model answer by clicking here.
What differences do you notice? Were your grammar and spelling correct?

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Vocabulary revision

Below is a list of vocabulary from the story. Do you know what they mean?
For each word think of a short definition or synonym (a word with a similar meaning). Then, press
the word with your finger and look at the definition that pops up. Were you correct?
If you were wrong, write the word in a vocabulary diary (a notebook where you keep new words).
Next to the word write: the part of speech (noun, verb), a definition and an example sentence containing
this word. Here is an example vocabulary diary entry:
Snore (verb): To make a loud noise when sleeping. “My father snores very loudly.”

Vocabulary list
shadow
gems
jewels
thieves
press
laser
cabinet
hook
steal
frightened
scary
case
solve
stare
hairspray
weakly
drawer
evidence
clue
arrest
punch
swallow

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 BRIAN BRITISH BY MARK J. OLIVER

messy
binoculars
curtains
crisps
taste
corridor
portion
mission
failure
lock
necklace
pearl
sparkle
narrow
ledge
bush
concentrate
sleepy
idea
worry
grin
skill
scratch
vanish
ceiling
froze
yawn
exactly
crush
snore
crawl

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suck
instructions
folder
drop
suspicion
initials
strike
barman
pickled
safe
gambler
nod
laugh
giant
vibrate
undercover

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Example Summary

Brian British is a young detective from London. He is on the most important case of his life. His job is to
catch the world famous Shadow Thieves. The thieves are teacher trainers so Brian goes to school to learn
how to teach English.
During the case Brian has a lot of adventures. He gets trapped under the Shadow Thieves’ bed, stays in a
horrible hotel room, teaches English to international students, eats fish and chips, learns the phonemic
chart and finally catches the criminals. At the end, Brian’s boss tells him his next job is in another
country.

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