Humorous Tales - Anton Chekhov

A nto n C h e kho v
(1 8 60 - 19 04)
A N I M PRESSI O N
T may be more than mere accident that in the histor of y
modern l iterature so many men of tal ent have turned from the
practice of medicine to the profession of letters The phys cian s . i ’
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office is largely a plac e of confess on and his mind a focus gather
ing the light of hum an experiences from every angl e These , .
if he is a man of imagination as well as of scie nc e he is prompted ,
to reflect through the lens of fi ction .
Though Anton Che khov was a physician by training ( hav ,
ing been graduated from the Moscow University n 18 84 at the i ,
age of twe nty-four ) he was a writer by prefere nce The wide .
kn owledge gained from his medical studies an d pract ce i ,
coupled with the fact that h is father was a peasant by birth and
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a city shop keeper by occupat on , must have contr buted in great
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measure to th e wide scope of h s arti .
Am erican readers are by this time fairly well acqua nted i

with Chekhov as a writer of many-sided interests and the po sses
sor of a styl e that has bee n c all ed the best since de Maupassant .
One phase of the great Russian s work however h as thus far

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been largely neglected ; hi s humorous vein This is all the more .
surprising becaus e the Chekhov of the humorous tale s naturall y

prompts comparison with our own 0 Henry although it woul d
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be un fai r to both writers to exten d the compar son too far i .
Many of the tales of Chekhov in their technique resemble

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an unframed picture the boun dl ess wastes of the Russ ian steppe
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in miniature whil e 0 Hen ry s tales on the other han d at time s

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contain more frame than picture — the narrown ess of the me

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vii
AN INS I RATION P
t rop olis l ined i
on either s de by skyscrapers Yet over .
skyscf a p er
i i i
o
and steppe al ke reposes that same heaven n to wh ch each in h i s

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own way has g ven us a glimp s e .
Of the tales chosen for in clusion n th s vol ume the first i i

two resemble most closely the type of story generally associated
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in the publ c m nd with the name o f 0 Henry They are told . .
with that same bree ziness that same crispne ss a nd end with
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that same punc h as characteri z e the American s work The .
“
sa d un dercurre nt of a story lik e Her Gentleman Frien is
likewise not altogether fore gn to our nat ve writer
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iWho Was i .
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S h e ? perhaps is the most Maupassant l k e stor in the c ollec
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- i y
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tion while S uch I s F ame str kes a note that is pecul iar to
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the Rus sian himself I n stories l ke The S can dal Monger
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Carelessness a nd Overspiced Chekh ov 8 hum or seems to ,
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di sp l ay a gentle human ty beneath the surface of the action ; he
is here not so much a deathl e ss Puck who excl aims “
ord, what L
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fools th es e morta l s be ! as one of our ver own who laughs y
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Lord what fools we mortals be I I f Chekhov is more hum anl y
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sel f revealin g than de Maupassant he is on the whole more deep

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than 0 Henry I f 0 Henr may be called the Am erican Chek

. . . y
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hov with a pun ch , Chekhov may equally be termed the Rus
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s an 0 Henry with a c aress
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v iii
A W o r k o f A rt
O L DING un der
his arm an object wrapped in a newspaper ,
S as ha S mi rn ov the onl y son of h is mother wal ked nerv

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ously i nto the offi ce of Doctor K osh elkov .
“ ”
Well my dear boy ex cl ai med the doc tor warmly “ how do
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f
you eel to day ? Wh at s the good news ?
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S a sha began to blink w th his eyes put his hand over his i ,
heart and stammered nervous ly :

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“
My mother sends her regards and begs m e to thank you .
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I am my mother s only son an d you have saved my li fe , .
You have cured me of a terr ble d sease a nd an d we both i i . .
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hardly know how to thank you .
“
C ome come my youn g fr end let us not speak of t
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in i ,
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terru p ted the doctor l terall y melt ng w th pleasure

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I have i i .
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only done what a nybody else in my plac e woul d have done .
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I am the only son of my mother We are poo r peop le and .
conseque ntly we are not n a pos tion to pay you for your i i
trouble a n d it m a kes
. . t very embarrassing for us Doctor ; i ,
although both of us mother and I who am the onl y son of my

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mother beg of you to accept from us as a token of our grat tude

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this object whi ch is an object of rare worth a wonderful

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masterpiece n an tique bronze i ”

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The doctor made a gr mace i .
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Wh y my dear friend he said it is entirely unnecessar
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I don t need this in the least
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Oh no no ! stammered S as ha
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I beg of you please a o .
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cept it !
He began to un wrap the bun dl e contin uing his entreaties in ,
the meantime :
“
If you do not accept this you will offend both my mother ,
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12 HUMO R OU S TALE S
a nd Th s is a very rare work o f art i

e u antique . .
bronze I t is a rel c le ft by my dead father We have been

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prizing it as a ve ry dear remembrance My father used to .
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buy up bronz e ant ques sell ng them to lovers of old statuary i
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A nd now we cont nue n the same bus iness my mother a n d ,

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myself .
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S as ha un d d the packa ge and enthusi as tic al ly placed it on
the table .
I t was a low can delabrum o f antique bronz e a work of real ,
art representing a group : On a pedestal stoo d two fi gures of

women clad in the costum e of Mother E ve a nd in poses that I
have neither the audac ity nor the temperamen t to descr be These i .
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fi gures were sm l ng coquett shly a nd in general gave one the i
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impress on that were it not for th e fact that they were obliged
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to support the candl e sti ck they woul d l eap down from their -
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pedesta l and e xh bit a performance which i

my dear re a der . .
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I am even asham ed to think of it !

W hen the doctor espied the present he slowly scratched h is ,
head cleared his throat and blew h s nose

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Yes in deed a very pretty p e ce of work
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he mumbl ed i ,
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B ut —how shall I say it —not quite
, I me a n rather un . . . .
co nventional not a bit literary s it ?

. . You know the ,
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dev l kn ows .
“
B eel i
ebub h mself c oul d not have c on c eived anythin g more
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ugly S houl d I place suc h a phantasmagori a upon my table I

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would pollute my entire home !
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Why Doctor what a stran ge c oncept on you have of art !
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c r ed S as ha n off ended tones i“
Th s s a re al masterpiece Jus t . i i
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look at t ! S uch s its harmon ous beauty that just to con

template it fi lls the soul w th e cstasy and makes the throat choke i
down a s ob ! When you see such lovelin e ss you f orget all earthly
thin gs Just loo k at t ! What l f e what mot on wh at ex
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press on
ANT ON C HEKH V O 13
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I quite
understa nd all this my dear boy, int rrupt d the ,
e e
doctor But
. a m a married m a n I ittl e children run in . L
a nd out of this room a n d ladi es come her continua ll y e .
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Of course, said asha, ‘
S
f you l ook at it through the eyes i
y
of the rabbl e, ou see this noble ma sterpie c in a n entirely dif e
f erent light y
But ou ce rtainl y are ab ov al l that , octo r and
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especial ly when y
our refusal to accept this gi ft will deeply
oflen d both my mother a nd myself who am the onl son of my ,
y
mother You hav saved my life
. e
and in return we give you . .
our dearest possession and my onl y regret is that we are

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un abl e to giv you the mate to this candel abrum ”
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T h a nks, frie nd, ma ny tha nks Rememb r me to your . e
mother a nd But for God s sake ! Y ou can s e for yourself
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ca n t you ? L
ittl e chil dren run in a nd out of thi s room a n d ,
l adi e s come her continual ly e

However l eave it here ! There s .
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n o use arguin g with you .
“ ’ ”
Don t say anoth r word ! exclaimed asha jo ously e “
Put S y .
the candel abrum right here next to th vase B J ove , but it s , e . y ’
I e
a pity that hav n t got the mate to this to give ou ’
ut t y . B i
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c an t be help d e
W ll, good bye . oc tor ! ”
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e e e e
Aft r th d partur of S as ha th e doctor l ooked for a long
time at the candel ab rum a nd scratched his head .
“
e ”
This is b autiful , all r ght he thought ‘
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t would be a pity , . I
to throw it a way An d yet I dare not k ep it
. Hm l e . .
Now who in the worl d is there to whom I can pr s nt or donate ee

”
it ?
After l ong del iberation he h t upon a good frie nd of h is the i ,
l awyer Ukhov to whom he wa s indebted for l egal service s .
B
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F in e ! chuckl ed th e doc tor eing such a c lose friend of .
y
his I c annot ver well ofi er him money and so will give him
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this piece of indece ncy in stead A nd he s ust the ma n for
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it sin gl e , and somewhat of a gay b rd too
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No sooner thought than done ressing himsel f, the doctor .
took the can delab rum a nd went to the home of Ukhov .

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Good morning old chap ! he sai d I have c o me here to ,
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thank you for your trouble You will not take money and I . . ,
will therefore repay you by presentin g you with th s e xquisite i

mas terp ece i
Now say for yours elf isn t it a dream ?
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As so on as the lawy er caught sight of it he was exh larated

with its bea uty .
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What a wonderful work of art ! he laughed uproa riously .
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Ye gods what conceptions artis ts will get into their heads !
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What allur ng charm ! Where di d you get th s littl e dandy ?
But now h is exhil arat on had ooz ed away and he became i
frightened Looking stealthil y toward the door he said :
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But I c an t ac cept t old chap You must take it right
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back .
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Why ? asked the doctor n alarm i .
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B ecaus e because my mother often vis its me my clients
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come here and bes des I would be dis graced even in the eyes
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of my servants .
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on t say an other word ! cried th e doctor gesticul atin g
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wildly You simply have got to accept it ! I t woul d be rank
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ingratitude for you to re f use t ! uch a mas terpiece ! What i S

motion what express on
, You will greatly off end me if you i .
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don t take it !
“
If only this we re daubed over or covered with fi g leaves - .
But the doctor refus ed to listen to him Gesticulatin g even .
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more wildl y he ran out of Ukh ov s hous e happy in the thought
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that he was rid of the pre sent .
When the doctor was gone the lawy er careful ly exami ned the
c andelabrum and then just as the docto r had done he be gan to
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wonder what n the world he c oul d do with t .
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A very beautiful obje ct he thought It is a pity to throw , .
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t away and yet t is d sgraceful to keep it I had best pre sent it
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to someone I ve got it This very evening I m going to

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gi ve it to the comed an S h oshkin The rasc al loves such thi ngs i

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and bes des th s is h s benefi t night , .

ANTON CHE KHOV 15
No sooner thought than done That afternoon the wel l packed .

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candelabrum was brought to the comedian S h oshkin .
That whole even in g the dressing room of the comed an S hosh -

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kin was besieged by m en who hastened to nspect the present i .
A nd during all that time the room reechoed w th hil arious laugh i
ter which most closely resembled the neighing of horses .
“
If a ny of the actres ses approached the door and sa id May ,
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I enter ? the hoarse voi ce of S h osh kin was immediately heard
to reply
“ ”
Oh no no my darling you mustn t ! I am not dre ss ed !
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After the performance the comed an shru gged his shoul ders i
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gest cul ated with h s hands a nd sa d :

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Now what in the world am I to do w th th s ? I live in a i i
private apartment ! I am often v s ted by actresses ! A nd th s ii i
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sn t a photograph that one could c onceal in a drawer ! ”
“ ” “
Why d on t you sell it ? suggested the wig maker
’
There
is a c ertain old woman who buys up antique bronz e s Her n a me .
i
is S m rn ova You had better take a run over there ; they ll
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show you the place all right everybody knows her ,

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The c omedian followed his

Two days later K osh elkov his head supported on h is h a nd , ,
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was sitting in h s office and concoctin g p il ls S uddenly the do or .
was opened a nd into the ofiic e rush ed S asha H e was smiling .
radiantly and his bre as t heaved with joy I n h is hands he held .
somethin g wrapped in a newspaper .
“ ”
Doctor ! he cr ed breathl essly “
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Imag ne my joy ! As luck . i
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woul d have t I ve just succeeded in getting the mate to your
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ca ndelab rum ! Mother s so happy ! I am the only son of my

mother You have saved my life
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An d asha quivering with thankfulness and rap ture placed
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a candelabrum before the doc tor The latter opened h is mouth .

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as if about to say so meth ng but uttered not a i His ,
power of speech wa s gone .

Ve ng e a nc e
YE V S a vvitc h Turm a n ov ,
a worthy c t z en who posse ss ed a ii
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n ce l ttle f ortun e a n c e l ttle w fe and a n ce l ttle bald,
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spot on h s head was celebrat n g the b rthday o f one of his
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fri ends with a game of cards After a strenuous eff ort wh ch . i
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covered h s forehead w th persp ration he suddenl y re c ollected i i ,
that he and the bottle had been strangers fo r quite a long t me i .
He ros e and bal anc ng h mself on h s tiptoes between the

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tables went into the guest room where the youn gsters were
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da ncin g Here he smiled graciously a nd with a fatherly caress

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he patted the shoul ders of a youn g skinny druggist slipping ,
forthwith through a l ttle door which led int o the d n ng room i i i .
On a little round table in this room stood bottles an d gl as ses with

Among other refreshments he sp ed a plate contain i
ing hal f a herring alluringly decorated with on ons and parsley i .
Lyev S a vv itch fill ed a glass made a gesture as though about ,
to deliver a speech empt ed the glass a nd made a wry face Then

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he jabbed the he rrin g with the fork and But sudde nl y he .
overheard voices behind the wall .
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Ve ry well spoke a woman s voice but when ? , ,
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My w fe sa d Lyev S a vv itch to h mself recogn z n g the
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vo ce “
.I wonder whom she is ta l k ng to ? ”
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Whenever you des re repl ed a deep and heavy bas s i , i .
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Today t s not convenient tomorrow I shal l be busy the ,
whole day .
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Th s is D entj a revi ”
thought Lyev r ecogn z ing the bass , i
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vo ce o f h is f end
r
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E t tu rute ! iAn d so she h as caught you
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i B i
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too n her net ?

, y J ove noth ng seems to satisfy her I ve ,
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never seen such a restles s woman n my li fe ! Not a singl e day

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c a n she l ve through w thout her l ttle romance ! ” i i
16
O
ANT N CHE KH V O 17
“
”
Yes tomorrow I
, shall
be busy continued the heavy bass ,
“
y
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Wha t do you sa to w ritin g me a little n ote ? That will give me

great pleasur e
But we must in troduce some syst m into our
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e
o e n
c rr spo de ce n
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L
et s s if we can t find som way It is n t a ee ’
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e
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bit safe to send our l tters through the mail Your turkey is .
liabl e to intercept our corresp ondence in that wa A nd whe n y

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e y
you write to m , m wife might sometimes open the letter in my
ab sence and then
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h
W at sh all w do, then ? ”
e
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We ve got to fi n d m
so e way It won t do to send them
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y
through a serva nt, for our l obster of a hus band is surely watch
ing the se rvants I
won der whether h 8 still at that game of e ’
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ca rds !
“
Yes a nd he al ways loses too the big boob
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s l
He mu t be uck in love then ”
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laughed Dentj arev , , .
“
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Now lis te n my l ittl girlie I ve hit upon a p lan On my way .
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from the chi ce tomorrow at six o clock p as s b the Public Gar ’

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den where I am to mee t the Inspector An d 0 , sweetheart I .
j e
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wa nt you to mana ge ust a l ittle befor six , but not later to

e e
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pl ac e a not for m in the marble vase that stands to the left of

th e grape vine arbor
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o ou kn ow the pl ace I mean ?
. D y ’
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Certa inl I do ”
y .
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e e
That will b po tic al a nd m sterious and unique An d in y .
y
this way neither our wooden he a ded meal ticket nor my old -
shrew will know a n thin g about it y

o you un derstand ? ”
. D
Lyev S a vv itch emptied another gl ass and returned to th e
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ga me The discover which he had ust made did not surprise
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him ; it did n ot eve n arous h is je al ous or anger He had l ong e y .
outgrown the ha bit of sc oldin g a nd fuming a nd raging a nd even

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occasionall y b atin g hi s wif e for her misbehavior He had l ong .
e
ago given up all hop a nd n owadays he merel l ooked through his y
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fingers at his wif s romantic vagaries A nd yet he was now feel .
ing un comfortabl e His pr de and self l ove were touched to the

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quick at such appel ations as boo b lobster and wooden , ,
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headed meal ticket .
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Ye gods what a blackguard this D entj a rev is l he thought
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as he marked down his score Wh en he me ts me in the street he

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pretends to be a good fr end gr nning a nd patting me n the ,
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belly ; a nd yet see what he can do behind my back When he .
speaks to me man to man I m h s friend , a nd whe n he t al ks be

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h nd my back 10 a nd behold ! I m a boob and a l obster
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And the mor he l ost at the game the more indi gnant h e felt , .
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Why his mother s milk s still wet on his lips he thought i , ,
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crush n g in his rag the p ece of chalk whi ch he held i“
He s .
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no thin g but a l ittle snipe If t were not for the fa ct that I

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woul dn t condescen d to slap h s face d show him what a wood i ,
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en headed meal ticket ca n do !
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At supper he was un able to l ook Dentj a rev straight in the

face although the l atter seemed as if on purpose determ ned to
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ann oy him with his questions Had he won or l ost ? Wh y was he .
so sa d ? a nd so forth He even had the nerve to scol d Lyev s wife

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for not being sufficiently careful of her husban d s health And ’

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h s w fe as though n othing had happened looked at her hus band
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with buttery eyes, chattin g so nn ocently and l aughin g so g n i e

uinely that the devil himsel f coul d not have accused her of faith
lessness .
An d when he came home Lya v S avvitch fel t an gr a n d dis , y

satis fi ed as though he had eaten old rubbers i nstead of ve al f or
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supper He might have made an eff ort to forget the whole nc

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dent were it not for his w f e s laughter a nd prattl e which re ’
i y
m n ded him ever minute of the boob the l obster, the wooden ,
headed meal ticket .
“
I should have pun ched him in the jaw that low life ” h e , ,
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thought R ight in front o f everybody
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A nd he pictured to himself how nice it woul d be to th rash

Dentj a rev or to ch all en ge him and shoot him like a bird
, It
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woul dn t be a bad idea to make h m los e h is ob

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r perhaps .
ANT ON C HEKHOV 19
e
it woul d b best to put some disgus ting ob ect into the ma rbl j e
, e
vas e som thing with a n asty smell , a dead rat for instance
e
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Perhaps he might abscond his wife s letter a nd put in its pl ac a ’
il l n
“
s y poem sig d Yo r kuly a u A k e”
or something else of that ,
sort .
F or a l on g time he paced through his bed-room coolin g his

e e e
ra g with thes rev ries S uddenly he sto pped a nd sla pp d his . e
forehe a d .
“ ” ’
Hoo ra y, I ve got it ! he exclaimed beaming with oy ,
j .
This is a wonderful idea ! Excell ent ! ’
e
When his wif fell asl eep he sat down near th ta bl e a nd , e
after l on g deliberation, disguisin g hi s han dwritin g and purp osely
committin g a number of e rrors he penned the foll owing : ,
“
To the Merch ant Dul inov .
De S
re ir .
If up to six oclock dis even n the twelvth of ep i ,

S
e
tember, you fal to put two hundred dollars inter the
marble vaz e wich is situa ited in the Public arde n, ust G j
to the l eft of the graip vine arber you will be a d ad -
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e
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ma n a nd your dry gudes store will be blown up -
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A nd signing this mi ss ve Lyev S a vvitch umped up enth us i ,

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iastically .
“ ”
Isn t this a wonderful plan ? he growl ed rubb ing his
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hands together Imm ens e even if I do say so m s l f ! B eelz e

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ye
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bub himsel f coul dn t have h t upon a happier idea ! It is quit i e
certain that the st ore keeper Dul inov will get so scared that he
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will immediately n otify the police An d the will sur l y s nd a . y e e

number of detectives who will h de themselves among th bushes i e
a nd watch At six o cl ock when Dentj a rev comes for h is l ett r
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ey
th will nab th e poor bloke — a nd by J ove won t h get pepper , ,
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e
to smell He ll be scared blue a nd befor ’
ver t hing is , e e y
cl eared up , the rascal will get a goo d chance to cool his amorous
ardor in ail j An d it will serve him right , too
. Bravo , Lyev .
S a vvitch ! .
He put a stamp on the envelope and go ng down stairs i

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deposited t hims elf in the letter box .
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He fell asleep w th a rad ant sm le playing upon his lips i i .
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F o r many a long n ght had he not slept so sweetly a nd so soun dl y .
When he awoke n the morn ing and recalled his p l an he i

felt so happy that he actually began to purr and even went so
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far as to fl rt w th h s fa thless wife i i i .
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On h s way to work and later while sittin g in his offi ce he , ,
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kept sm l ng to h mself as he pictured Dentj arev s terror on find
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ng h mself c aught in the trap .
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Toward s x o clock he could restrain hi msel f no longer a nd
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P i
ran to the ubl c Garden n order to witness with his own eyes i
the downfal l o f his enemy .
“ ”
Ah a ! he thought seeing a pol cema n in the vic nity ,
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Arr vin g at the well known arbor he sat down behind a tree -
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and fix ing h s sharp , stern eyes upon the vase awa ited the ,
arrival of Dentj a rev He sat as if on p in s and needles n his

. i
impat ence i .
i i
Prec sely at s x D entj a rev appeared The young m a n was .
evidently in a very good humor H s s lk hat encircled h s head . i i i

at a c oquettish angle and through h is un buttoned coat h s very
,
i
i
soul s eemed to gl tter together with his vest He was smoking a .
cigar and whistling a merry tune .
“
i
Now you b g slob I ll show you who is a lobster and a
, ,
’
”
wooden headed meal t cket ! chuckled Turma n ov
-
“
i
You just .
”
wait !
D entj arev approached the vase and l angu dly put his hand i
i nto it Lyev S a vvit ch h al f rose and fix ed his eyes upon h im
. .
The young man took a tiny package out of the vase carefully ,
i i
exam ned t on all sides and shrugged his shoul ders Then he .
i
und d th e packa ge shrugged h s shoul ders aga n a nd opened his
, i i
i i
mouth n aston shment ; the package conta ned two brand new i
one hun dred dollar b lls i .
Dentj a rev looked long at these b lls F nally sh rugg ng his i . i ,

i
H e r G e ntle m a n Frie nd
HARMING Vanda or as she was named in her passport
, , ,
ii
the honorable c t z ene ss Nastas a K a na vkina found he rself i , ,
upon her discha rge f rom the hospital in a position worse ,
than a ny she had ever kn own : without lodg ngs and without a
1
i
kopek What was to be done ?
i
.
Her fi rst thought was the pawnshop Th ther she went .
“ ”
pawning her turquoise ring the one valuable she possessed,
.
F or the ring she rece ved a rouble i ut what ca n a ruble buy ?

. B . .
F or such a sum one can purchas e n e ther a n up to— date short i -
ja cket nor a pi c ture hat nor gold colored slippers ; and w thout
, ,
- i
these articles she felt just as though she were naked It seemed .
to her that not only the people she pas sed but even the horses ,
and the dogs stared at her a nd poked fun at the simp l icity of her
clothes S h e thought only of her toil et whil e the matter of foo d
.
,
and shelter gave her not the slightest concern .
“ ” “ ’
If I shoul d only meet a gentleman friend she thought I d ,
.
i
ask h m for a small loan Nobody woul d refus e me for
.
,
.
B
ut no gentleman friends came her way It woul d not have .
ffi i “
been d cult to fin d some that evening at the R enai ssance but ,
“
they surely would not adm it her into th e R ena ssance in her”
i
i
pla n garb an d without a hat What was she to do ? .
i i
After long hes tat on when sh e had wearied of wal king sit
, ,
i i
t n g and meditat ng Vanda resolved to try the l ast recourse :
,
to wal k right into the apartment of one of her m en friends and

ask him for money .
“
B ”
ut whom hall I go to ? sh e debated
s
“
Not to Misha .
that wouldn t do —he s marr ed a nd has a fam ly

’ ’
iA nd the i .
red headed old fellow is at his offi ce now

-
.
i
The dentist F nkel came to her m nd He wa s a converted i .
22
ANTON CHEKH V O 23
Jew, who, thr months before , ee had pres ented her with a brace
let ; on ce at a supper in the “ German club she h d pour e d
,
”
a
a gl ass of beer over his pate At thought of this Finkel Vanda .

,
e
was seiz d with frightful delight .
’
y e
He ll certa inl giv me s omething if I only fin d him at
’
she thought, on the way to th dentist “
If h e . e
’
doesn t I ll smash all his l amps for him
, .
By the time she had reached the doctor s door her pl an was
’
fully formul ated : she would run up the steps with laughter,
’
burst into the de ntist s p ri vate office a nd re quest twenty fi ve -
roubles But whe n she stre tched her han d toward the bell
.
e
the pl an vanish d into thin air as if by ma gic : Van da was sud
denly seiz ed with fright —someth in g th a t h ad n ever happen ed
,
to her S h e h ad been bol d a nd impudent only in tipsy company ;

.
,
but now in c ommon cl othes, in the rol e of a n ordin a ry beggar

,
who was not even presentable she felt mbarras sed and l ow , e
spirited S hame a nd fear overwhelmed her
. .
“
Perhaps h has already forgotten mee she thought .
,
e“
while she summoned th courage to pull the bell And how c a n .
I a pproach him in this garb ? Like a beggar or some shabb y

shop girl
- .
An d hesitan tly sh e pul led the bell .
Behin d th e door sounded footsteps ; it was the doorkeeper .
I
“ ”
s the doctor in ? she asked .
Now she woul d have fel t far better if the doorkeeper shoul d
“ ”
answer No But instead of a reply he simply led her into the
.
i
vest bul e a nd helped her remove her coat .
i
The sta rcase semed wonderfull y lux urious to her but of al l ,
this lux ury her eye was first struck by a tall mirror in which she
j
beheld a disgraceful ob ect without a n up to-dat a cket without - ej ,
a picture hat a nd without gold colored sl ipp rs And it seemed - e .
stran ge to Vanda th at now that she was so poorly clad a nd

,
e
l ooked l ike a s amstress or a washerwoman, she was again seized
with a feeling of shame ; she pos sessed none of her former bol d
ness or insolence and even to herself sh e was no l onger Van da,
but as of yore Nastya K a na vkin a .
i
, ,
“ ”
Please step th s way said the chambermaid leading her , ,
into the offi c e

‘
The doctor w ll be n d rectly
. e seated i i i . B .
’
Vanda sank nto a soft armc ha r i”

i .
“
I ll just say to him : Lend me the money
’
she thought ,
.
“ ’
i
That s c erta nl y proper for he knows me If only that maid ,
.
woul d leave the room ! W th her around it would b e very hard i

”
An d why on earth d oes she stand here of a ll places ? ,
After abo ut fi v e minutes th e door opened and F inkel tall , ,
dark with fat cheeks a nd bul ging eyes stepped in His cheeks,
, ,
.
i
his paunch h s broad hips—eve ryt h ng about him was com
,
i
“ ” “
placent a nd repul sive At the Renaissance and at the Ger .
ma n clu he was us ual ly tipsy spent a goo d deal on women ,
and bore their pranks patiently For instance when Van da h ad .

,
poured a gl ass of beer over h is head he had merely smiled a nd ,
shaken h is fi nger at her Now however he appeared bloated .

, ,
and sleepy ; he looked into the room with an a r of importa nce i

i i
and super or ty and was chewing somethin g , .
“ ”
What can I do f or you ? he asked without looking at her , .
Vanda cast a glan ce at the grave counten ance of the maid then ,
at the over fed fi gure of F nkel who plainl y seemed not to recog
-
i ,
i
n z e her a nd the n—s h e blushed
, .
“ ”
What can I do for you ? repeated the dent st now some i ,
what irritated .
“ ’
I ve got a tooth ache stamm ered Vanda -
. .
“
Al i a Wh ch tooth ? Where ?
.
”
i
Vanda suddenly re c alled that she had a cavity .
“
At the r ght my lower jaw ish e said , . .
“ ”
H m ! Open your mouth
’
.
“
i
F nkel furrowed h s forehead held h s breath and began to i , i
examin e the aching tooth .
ANTON C HE KHOV 25
“
Do es
”
it hurt ? he asked poking about in h r tooth with a , e
sharp instrum e nt .
“ “ ”
Yes l ied Vanda
. S hall I remin d him ? she thought
. .
“
e
H woul d certainl y recogniz e me then But the maid ! . . .
”
What is she standing there for ?
F inkel suddenl y be ga n to puff l ike a st am en gine straight e -
“
into her mouth a nd said I shoul d advise you not to fill it
, ,
This tooth will be of no use to you anyway .
After he had dug about the tooth for a few moments more and
i
had soil ed Van da s l ps a nd gums with his tobacco stained fin
’
i
gers , he again held h s breath an d shoved something col d into
her mouth .
S y
uddenl Vanda felt a terri ble pain let out a shriek a nd seized ,
F inkel by the a rm .
“
Al l right , n ever m nd
”
he murmured “
i
on t be so timid , . D ’
.
You woul d have had little use from this tooth anyway O ne , .
”
must be brave .
A nd his tobacco stai ned fi n gers covered with bl ood, hel d before
-
,
e ee
her ey s th xtract ed tooth while the maid stepp d forward a nd ,
e
brought her a bowl .
“
When you get ho me , rinse your mouth with cold water .
“ ”
said Fin kel , a nd the blee di ng will stop .
He stood before her in the attitude of a man who is waiting

impatie ntl y to be rid of his visitor an d to be l eft al one .
“
G
ood by she said turnin g to th door
-
, e .
“ ”
H ml ’
A nd who is to pay me for my services ?
. asked
F inkel in a merr vo ce y i .
“
O
h es
. . y
gasped Vanda suddenl y recalling hersel f
.
, .
S he blushed a nd handed th e dentist the roubl e she had received

for her turquoise ring .
Set pping in to the street she felt a keener s nse of shame than e
e
befor ; but she was no longer ash am ed of her poverty he no . S
l onger was con scious that she l acked a p cture hat a nd a n up to i -
date j acket She walked al ong the street e p ector ting blood
. x a ,
an d every spot of bl ood spoke to her of her l ife of h e r evil bitt er , ,
life , d of the insul ts that she had experienced — nd tho e she

an ,
a s
woul d have to endu e to morrow and n t week

r -
, d e t ye r
ex , an n x a
a nd al lher life un til death .
“
O ”
h how terrible ! she whispered
,
“
My od, how t rribl !
.
”
G e e
‘
But on the next day she was at the R enaiss an c , dan cing e
there . S e
he was dress d in a huge red hat a nd up to dat acket
, ,
- - ej
a nd gol d col ored slippers
-
An d she was treat d to supper by
. e
a young merchant from Kaz an .
W ho W a s S he P
0 tell us a story, Pyotr Ivan ovitch e e
b gg d the youn g
l adies .
The colonel stroked his gray side whiskers -

,
cleared his
throat a n d began :
“
It happened in the year 18 43 when our regiment wa s sta ,
tion ed before Chenstokhov That winter my dear ladies wa s an

.
, ,
exceedingly severe one so that not a day passed without the sen
,
tries havin g their noses froz en or the streets be ng p led high i i

i
with snow The ntense col d weather began in October a nd
.
l asted into April In those days I mus t tell you I didn t look
.
, ,
’
so old a nd pass! as now ; on the contrary I wa s—as you may

we ll ima gine~a dashing fellow, in the full bloom of youth ; n a
,
i
word a h an dsome young man I used to strut about like a pea
, .
, i
cock threw money r ght and le ft a nd twirled my side whiskers -
unl ike a ny other lieutenant on earth Yes I n ee ded merely . .
to wink an eye clank my spurs an d twirl my wh skers a nd the

,
i ,
proudest beauty woul d be transformed nto an obedient lambkin i .
’
I had a sweet-to oth for wome n just like a spider s for a fly a nd , ,
if I were to count for you my de a r ladies the number of ol sh

, ,
P i
i
and J ew sh women that languished fo r me in those days then ,
I as sur e you that there woul d not be enough fi gures in Mathe

i
ma t es for the reckon in g .
“
And kindly remember that I was regime nt al aide de camp - -
,
that I dan ced the mazurka excellently and was married to a ,
most cha rming woman Heaven rest her soul ! ,

You simply
cann ot imagine what a dare devil rogue I was Wh y whenever - .
,
in our district a ny l ove catastrophe oc c urred such as a Jew h a v ,
ing his templ e locks torn ofl or a ole being boxed in th e ears

-
,
P ,
they knew at once that second lieutenant Vivertov had don e it - .
27
“
i i
As a de de camp t was my duty to journey about the dis trict
- -
i
qu te frequently Now I d be o ff to purchase c a ts or hay now to
.
’
,
sell to th e Jews or the oles horses that had outlived their use P
f ulness to the army B ut most oft en dear ladies under the pre
.
, ,
text of duty I woul d ride away to a rendezvous with some woman ,
or to wealthy landown ers for a ga me o f cards ,

“
O ne Christmas eve —I remember t as clearly as if it hap ,
i
pened onl y yesterday—I was j ourn e ing from C h enstokhov to y
i
the v l lage of S hevelk whither I had been sent on offi cial bus i i ,
ness The weather I must tell you was murderous

.
,
The cold , .
was so bitter a nd bitin g that even the horse s could scarcely

endure it and I a nd my driver within half an hour were hum an , ,
icicles If the cold had been al l we might have found means

.
,
to cope with it but on the middle of th e way there suddenly broke

,
out a snowstorm E dd es of sn ow whirled and danced ab out us

. i
like a troo p of devils The wind raged as if his wife had b ee n.
stolen ; the road disappeared In less than ten m nutes I the . i ,
driver a nd the horse s were completely covered with snow .
‘
Your excellency we have los t the wa y ann ounc ed the , ,
’
dr iver .
‘
The deu c e ! Wh y didn t you keep your eyes open ? Well ’
P
,
’
keep right on erhaps we ll come to some hum an habitation !
.
’
“
Well we rode and rode and turned and turn ed a nd thus
, , ,
toward midnight our horses stumbled upon the gate of an estate

that belonged if I remember correctly to Coun t B oya dl ovski a
, , ,
wealthy olish nobleman Poles an P d J ews are one a nd the sa me .
, i
to me l ke mustard after dinner but they re a hos pitable lot ,
’
,
’
you ve got to c oncede that to them and when it comes to pass ion ,
ate women none can equal the oles

‘
, P .
We were admitted C ount B oya dlovski himself at that ,
tim e was living at ar s an d we were received by his steward

, P i ,
i
Kas im r Kh a p zinski l kew se a ole I recal l that before an , i i P .
hour had pas se d I was seated n the steward s home flirting with i ’
,
i i i
h s w fe dr nking and play ng c ards After I had won fi ve du
, i .
“ ” “
Well contin ued the Colonel, as hard as I tried to fall
,
asleep I simply c ould not Now it seemed to me that thieves were .
i
,
climbing n over the window sill now I heard somewhere a mys -

,
i
terious whis per ng and now somebody touched me on the shoul,
i
der— e veryt h ng s eemed to me the work of diabolic al han ds ,—a
mood known to a ll who have ever been in a condition of n ervous
i
tens on Yet c an you im a gine it
. through all this de vilish
, ,
clatter and c haos of soun ds I suddenly di st ngui sh a n oise that i

resembles the gliding of sli ppers I l sten intently a nd hear . i
what do you think ? somebody approaching my doo r There .
is a cough ; the door is opened .
‘
Wh o is there ? I ask rising ’
,
.
‘
It s I i
have no fear ! answered a woman s voice ’ ’
.
“
I went to the door S everal secon d s p as sed and I felt
”
two han ds soft as eiderdown plac ed upon my shoul ders
, ,
.
‘
I love you You are dearer to me than life itself
.
,
’
spoke the melodious vo ce of a woma n i .
‘
A hot breath scorched my I forgot the snow
sto rm the ghosts , everything in the world a nd wound my
, ,
a rm aroun d her waist a n d such a waist ! S uch wais ts n ature

ca n make only for spec al orders and even then only once in t n i , ,
e
years . i
Th n as if chiseled ; hot ephemeral as th e breath of a
, ,
chil d ! I c oul d no longer restrai n myself and cl as ped her in my

arms . i
Our l ps met in a long p as sionate kiss a n d I swear it ,
y
,
by all the women in the world I ll carry the memor of that ’
i
,
k ss with me to the grave .
The Colonel was silent swal lowed a half gl ass of water and
i
,
with a lowered vo ce c ontin ued : ,
—The next morn ng when I looked out of the window I i , ,
saw that the sn owstorm had increased in viol ence It was im

i i
.
p os s ble to proc eed on my journey S o I had to rema n at the .
’
steward s al l day long play ng cards an d drink ing At n ight I , i .
found myself again in th e empty house an d exactly at midnight ,
I embraced the selfsame waist as the n ght before i .

ANT ON CHEKHOV 31
“
Yes dear ladies had it not been for l ove I shoul d ha ve
, ,
died of e nnui that time or else surrendered completely to Bac ,
chus
The Colonel sighed arose and began to pace silently up and ,
down the salon .
“
Well a n d what happened after that ? ” as ked one of th
.
e
youn g ladies wh o was dying of curios ity
, .
“
Nothin g The next day I was again on my journey ”
.
.
“ ”
Yes but who was this woman ? the youn g ladies asked
. .
bashfully .
‘
Wh y that s ver evident, isn t it ?
,
’
y ’ ’
“ ”
Not at a ll !
“ ”
It was my wife !
The three youn g l adies sprang to their feet as if they had
been stung by a tarantul a .
“ ”
Yes but how do you explain it ? they asked
. .
“
Heavens ! What is there about this that is so difii cult to
”
unde rstan d ? asked the Colonel shrugging h s shoulders with ,
i
vexation “
I expressed myself clearly enough I believe ! I was
.
,
ridin g to S hevelki with my wif e S h e Spent the night in the

’
empty house in the room next to min e
,
Isn t that simple
”
enough ?
“
Mmm murmured the youn g lad es dropping their
. i ,
hands i nto their laps disappo nted “

You began so well and
,
i .
,
ended Lord kn ows how Only your w fe ! ardon us but the

. i P ,
’ ”
tale isn t a bit in terestin g and not at all clever . .
“
Now that s comical ! You d prefer t to be n ot my law
,
’ ’
i
full y wedded wife but some stran ge woman ! Ah my de a r , ,
ladies my de a r ladies ! If that s how you are now how w ll you

,
’
, i
”
be when you are married ?
The youn g ladies were embarrassed a nd made no reply ,
.
“ ”
No It s al together l unbecoming ! exploded one of
’
. .
“
them un abl e to restrain herself a ny longer
,
Why did you n eed .
to tell us i i
the tale f t had such an end ? There s noth ng nice ’
i
in the story or except onal either !
.
”
i ,
“ 7 ,
You began so entran cin gly an d then all of a sudden ,
.
“
added her companion You were merely poking fun at us
. .
7 ’
“
Well well well
, ,
i
t was only a joke on my part
. .
H
i
sa d the Colon el
“
. P ’
lease don t be an gry dear lad es “
I was, i ,
’
only jesting It was not my wife but the steward s
.
,
.
The youn g ladies suddenly recovered their joyful spirits ;

their eyes sparkled They edged closer to the Colonel poured
.
,
out wine for him an d showered him with quest on s Their e nnui i .
disappeared An d the supper s oon d sappeared w th it for the

. i i ,
youn g ladies attacked the meal with ravenous appetite .

Th e S c a nda l M o nge r
K H I NE Y E V, the teacher
penmanshi p was marrying ofi of ,
e
his daught r Natal a to Losh a dinikh the instructor in i
y
,
geography a nd histo r .
e
Th wedding fest ivities were in ful l swing The hall re .
soun ded with sin ging pl ay n g a nd the scuffle of dancing feet

, i .
e
Hired s rvants in bl ack frock coats and dirty whit cravats were e
y
scurr in g madly about the roo m Ta ra ntulov, the instructor in .
mathematics, the Fre nchman Pasdequoi and Msda the unior ,

j
e e
in sp ctor were seated tog ther upon the sofa telling the guests ,
amidst many interruptions and co rrec t ons of each other a ll the i ,
cases kn own to them of persons having bee n buried al ive , and

were moreover airing their views upon Sp ritualism None of the i .
e
three believ d in spiritualism to be sure but they were willing to , ,
ee
admit that th r was much n this world that could not be ex i
e y
pla in d b human intelligence .
I n another room D o do nski teacher of literature , was ex ,
p laining the circums tan ces under which a sentry might fire upon
civil ians Th e conversation was as you see a trifle gruesom ,
. , , e
y et highl animated y .
Through the windows from w th out looked in a crowd of ,

i ,
e nvious peopl e whose social posit on did not grant them the priv i
e
il eg of ntran ce e .
At ex actly twelve o clock the master of the house, Akh ineyev

’
,
e
st pped i nto the kitchen to see whether all was ready for the
wedding supper From floor to ceilin g the kitchen steamed with
.
a n aroma of geese ducks a nd countless other appetiz in g dishes

,
.
Upon two tables were beheld in a rtist c diso rder, the in gredie nts , i
L
of a trul y ucullian banquet A n d Marfa the cook a bux om .
,
woman with a two story stomach was busy about the tabl
-
, e .
33
“ ”
My dear woman just let me have a look at that fi sh re , ,
quested Akhi neyev chuckl ng and rubb ng h is palms together ,

i i .
“
Mm ! Wh at a del cious od or ! Enough to make you eat the i
”
whole kitchen up ! Let s see that fish do ! ’
,
Marfa went over to one of the chairs and careful ly removed

a greasy newspaper un derneath wh ch there rep o se d upon a ,
i
i
g gantic platter a huge hitefish garn shed with capers olives W , i ,
a nd vegetables Akh ineyev looked at the fi sh and alm ost melted

.
with rapture His counten an ce beamed ; h s eyes almost popped

. i
i
out of the r sockets He leaned forward and w th his lips made a . i
i
sound resembl ng the squeal of an ungreased axle For a moment .
he stood motionless then snapped his fi ngers and smacked his lips ,
again .
“
Aha ! The mus c o f a passionate Whom are you i
kissing there ? ”
Marfa ? came a vo ce from the adjoining room
. . i
i
,
and n the doo rway there appeared the clos e cropped head of -
A kh ineyev s c oll eague Va nykin

’
.
“
Who is the lucky f ellow ? Aha fi n e ! Mr A kh ineyev . .
i
h mself ! B
ravo grandpa ! Excellent ! A nice little t ete a tete - -
i
,
w th a charmin g lady .
“
I m not k ss ng anybody ’ ”
retorted A kh in eyev embar i i , ,
rassed
“
What an dea ! You
. I was merely smack in g my i .
l psi w th delight
. i
as I looked upon the fish here . .
Va n ykin s f eatures wrinkl ed with laughter and he disa p

’
pe e red A kh ineyev turned red

. .
“ ” “
The deuce ! he thought Now this fellow is going .
aroun d everywhere goss ping about me A th ng like this can i . i

i
eas ly spread through the whole c ty The jackass ! ”
i .
Akh in eyev returned to the hall shyly and glanced furtively

i i
,
in al l d rect ons for Vanykin That worthy was st an din g by the .
i i
p ano tell ng someth ng n h s most ca val er l ke manner to the i i i i - i
i ’
nspector s mother in law who sm led n ev dent pleasure
“
- -
, i i i .
” ’ “
It s about me ! suspected Akh ineyev About me devil .
i
,
take the ras cal ! And she she bel eves every word and laughs ! ,
ANT ON CHE KHOV 35
S uch a sill y goose ! Good God !

No I must not allow this No , . .
I must do something to discredit him in advan ce I ll speak to ’

.
y
eve r body about the incide nt and unmask him as a stupid gossip
monger
A kh in eyev scratched h mself and then still in embarrass i ,
ment walked over to Pasdequoi

, .
“
I was just in the kitchen to settle some det a ils about the
” “
supper he said to the F renchman
, I know that you re very .
’
’
fond of fish and I ve got one down there about two yards long !
,
He h e h e
- Yes a nd then
- I almost forgot it
,
In the ,
kitche n jus t now such a fun ny j oke ! You see I come into the
, ,
kitchen a nd want to take a look at the dishes I see the fis h and .
from sheer del ight such a Splendid specimen

. I smacked my .
lips so,
A nd at this very moment in pops that bad sheep Vany
.
‘ ’
kin and says ha ha ha ! . a nd says Aha ! You re kissing
- - .
,
somebody here ? uch a fool ’

S
im agining that I was kissing ,
'
Marfa the cook ! Wh y that wom an looks as if

,
— Fie ! To kiss
,
.
i
a th ng like her ! There s a fool for you ! S uch a dub ! ” ’
“ ”
Who s that ? asked Ta ra ntul ov coming in
’
,
.
‘ 7 ’
Va nykin ! You see I come into the kitchen ,
The tal e of Marfa an d the fi sh was repeated .
“
Think of it ! Why I d just as soon kiss a mongrel as kiss ,
’
Marfa An d Akh in eyev turning around noticed Mr Msda

.
, ,
. .
“ ”
We were just speaking of Va nykin said A kh ineyev to ,
Msda “
S uch a sim pleton !
. ops into the kitchen sees me near P ,
‘
S o you re
’
Marfa the cook and at on c e make s up a whole story .
,
i
kiss ng Marfa says he to me He was a l ttle bit t p sy upon my . i i ,
word ! And I an swered that I d sooner kiss a turkey than kiss ’
Marfa And I reminded h im too that I was a married man

.
, ,
.
i
Think of h s silly idea ! R di culous !
”
i
“
W hat s rid culous ?
”’
i
as ked the rector happe ning to pass ,
by .
“
That chap Va nykin I m in the kitchen you understand .
’
, ,
looking at the fis h .
And so forth In the c ourse o f a half hour nearly all the

.
guests were fully informed of the story of the fi sh .
“
i ”
Now l et h m tell as many people as he w shes ! thought i
Akh iney ev rubb ng his palms ,
“
i
Jus t let h m ! As soon as he . i
i ‘
beg ns I c a n sa y to him S pare your breath dear friend ! We , ,
”
know all about it already !
And the thought so comfort ed Akh ineyev that he drank four
glasses more than were good for him After the supper he led .
the newlywed couple to the br dal chamber went to bed and i ,
slept l ke a log i B
y the next morn ng he had forgotten the tale
. i
of the fi sh completely ut woe ! Man proposes and God dis . B
poses The evil tongue acc omplished ts w cked wo rk and A k
. i i
i
h ineyev s cunn ng was all n va n ! Exactly a week later on a
’
i i ,
Wednesday just after th e th rd lesson had begun and A kh ineyev

, i
i
was standing n the class room corre cting the exaggerated slope of -
the pupil Vissekin s handwr ting the D rector stepped over to ’

i ,
i
i
h m and c alled him to one s ide .
“ ” “
My dear Mr Akh ineyev said the Director . You will ,
.
pardon me It is really none of my business but I must speak

.
,
to you about t i
It s my offi c al duty .You must know that i i .
the rumor is runn ng through the c ty that you have c e rt a n i i i

relat on s w th i w th your cock i . i
Of course it s no aff air of .
’
i
m ne a s I have s a d but
, live with her ki ss her i to your, .
,
.
heart s content ’
B
ut I beg of you not so publ cly ! I beg of
.
,
i
yo u Do not f orget your h gh calling ! i ’
A cold shiver ran down Akh ineyev s spine an d he lost his ’
sel f composure
-
A s if he had been stung by a gigantic swarm of
.
i
bees or sc alded w th bo l ng water he flew to h s home On the
, ii ,
i .
i
way t seemed to him that the whole c ty were starin g at him a s i
if he had been tarred and feathered At home a new vexation .
was awa t ng him ii .
“
“ ” ’
Why don t you eat ? asked his wife at d nner time i .
What are you dreaming about ? Your love ? Are you yearning
C a re le ss n e ss
P i
YO T E etrov tc h S trizh in the same whose rubbers had been ,
stolen last year was return ng home from a Christening ,

i
party at two o clock n the morning ’
i .
In order not to arouse the hous ehold he quietly undressed in

the hall a nd breathlessly t ptoed nto his bedro om where , w th i i , i
i
out turn n g on a light he was about to lie down ,
.
S trizh in was a fellow with the face o f a f ool living a regul ar ,
i
a n d sober l f e and reading onl y books with a moral purpose It .
was only on such a fest ve occas on as the present that n honor i i , i

i
of the newly born ch ld of Lyubov S pirodovn a he allowed him ,
self to empty four glasses of wh skey a nd a glass of win e which i

i -
i
tasted l ke castor o l These hot beverages are l ke sea water or
.
'
i -
fame : the more you quaif the more thirsty you become ,
.
And now while he was un dress ng S trizh in suddenl y

,
i ,
i
acqu red an overwhelm ng th rst i i .
“ ’ ” “
i
If I m not m sta ken sai d he there is a bottle of whiskey , ,
in Da sh enka s cupboard It s right there in the corn er if I m

’
.
’
,
’
not mistaken S he ll never notice the difleren ce if I take onl y

’
.
”
a little glas s .
i
After a short del berat on he mastered his t midity and went i i
to the cupboard .
i
Open ng the door of the cupboard slowly he foun d a bottle ,
i i
n the r ght hand c orn er He fil led a glass n the dark replac d
-
. i ,
e
the bottle c ros sed hims el f and swallowed the contents with a
,
i
,
s ngle gulp .
A n d here something remarkable happened A terrible force .
i
,
l ke a bomb hurled S trizhin from the c upboard to the trunk His

,
i i
.
eyes beheld a flash of l ghtn ng he began to choke and shiver as ,
though he had jus t fallen nto a swamp ful l of bloo d suckers It i -

.
38
A NTON C HE KHOV 39
seemed to him that instead of whiskey he had ust swallowed a j

piece of dynamite which blew him to pieces a nd scattered his
, , i
head his arms h s legs the house and the ent re street in all
,
i
directions way up in the air the dev l kn ows wh ther
, ,
i i .
F or about three min utes he lay motionless and breathl ess on

the trun k Then he rose a n d asked himse lf :
.
“ ”
Where am I ?
When he came to himself he smelt for the fi rst time a strong
,
odor of kerosene .
”
i
Holy F ather n Heav en ! he cried I ve drunk kerosene in ,
’
stead of whiskey ! And a shudder passed through his b o dy .
The thought that he had poisoned himself threw him into

a n a gue An d that he really had poisoned himself was evi dent
.
not only from the odor in the room but also from the sparks that ,
danced before his eyes from the ringing in h s ears and from
,
i
the stabbing p ain in his stomach .
Realizing that he was about to die an d un able to delude him

self with fal se hopes he decided to say good bye to his nearest
,
-
frie nds He therefore went into Da sh enka s bed room for he

.
’
-
,
D
was a widower a nd ashenka an old ma d was keepin g house , i ,
for him .
“
Dashenka ”
he sa d with a sob
,
“
i
dear Dashenka ! ”
,
i
S omething stirred n the dark and emitted a deep s gh i .
“
Dashenka ! ”
“ ”
Who is it ? said ashenka with a start D“
Oh is it you .
, ,
Pyotr Petrovit c h ? Are you back already ? Well ? d they Di

”
name the baby ? Who was the god mother ? -
“
Natalya An dreyevn a was the godm other and avel Ivan , P
itch was the god father a nd I th n k I am dy ng Dashenka The
-
,
i ”
i ,
.
baby was named Olympiada and I have drun k kerosene

. . .
“
What ! You don t mean to say they gave you kerosene do
’
,
you
I ll m ake a clean bre as t of it I wanted to take a littl e n ip
“ ’
.
of whiskey without gett ng your perm ssion i and G od pun i . .

ish ed me for t i B
y mistake I took kerose ne in the dark
. What .
”
shall I do now ?
When she heard that her cupboard had bee n O pe ned without
her permission she jumped to her feet Hastily lighting a .
candl e she drew herself to her ful l an gul ar and bony height ,
i
,
a n d forgett ng to throw anything over her nightgown she shuf
fled in her bare feet over to the cupboard .
“ ”
Who gave you permission ? she cried opening the cup ,
“ ”
board . Nobody ever put the whiskey there for your benefi t !
“
I I . have drun k kerosene Dashenka not wh skey
.
, , i
,
i
mumbled S trizh in wip ng the cold perspiration from his face .
“
An d why should you be nosing around my kerosene ? Is it
i
any of your business ? I d dn t buy t for you d d I ? If you ’
i , i
i
onl y knew what a devil sh p ri ce I ve had to pay for it ! You ’
” ’
kn ow nothing about that of course yo u don t ! ,
“ ” “
Dear Dashenka he groaned it is a question of l fe and
, ,
i
’
death a nd you speak about money !
,
“
Not s atisfi ed with getting drunk he comes aroun d sticking ,
”
his n ose into the cupboard ! rag ed Dashenka shutt ng the door ,
i
“
of the cupboard with a bang You bandit you tort urer you !.
, ,
Not a minute of rest have I ! y day and by night you ru n me ! B i

Robber murderer ! May you live in the next world as peacefully
,
i
as you let me l ve here ! Tomorrow I am go n g to leave th s place i i .
i i
I am a v rg n a n d I re fus e to let you remain n my presence in i
your underwear ! And don t you dare to look at me when I a m ’
”
un dressed !
i
S h e gave loose re n to her tongue and away t galloped on i ,
and on and on .
i
Knowing that noth ng could be done with her in her fi t of
, i
an ger that ne ther soft word s nor harsh n either prayers nor ,
oaths nor even bullets would be of any avail S trizh in made a

, ,
gesture of despair dressed h mself an d went in search of a doc~

, i
tor .
B i
ut doctors and pol cemen are f oun d only when not needed .
He ran through several streets rang fi ve times at one doctor s ,

’
ANT ON CHEKHOV 41
’
house seve times at another s a nd fin ally hastened over to the
, n ,
drug store Perhaps the druggist would help

.
.
After a long pause a l ttle dark curly headed druggist i , ,

-
opened the door He was dre ssed in h s bathrobe and h is eyes

. i
were still sleepy but his face i nspired a feeling of awe so stern
,
i
,
and intelligent was ts expression .
“ ”
What ca n I do for you ? he asked in tones which only
smart and worthy druggists know how to employ .
“
F o r God s sake I beseech you ! ” c r ed S trizh in breath
’
, i
lessly.
“
Give me someth ng anyt hing ! i
I ve just drunk kero
,
’
’ ”
sene ! I m dying !
“
Now don t become excited my good fell ow but answer
,
’
, ,
the questions that I am going to put to you Your nervous frame .
i i
of m nd makes t imp os sible for me to understan d you You .
”
have drun k kerosene Am I right ? .
“ ”
Yes ! Kerose ne ! S ave me !
The druggist solemnl y went to his counter opened a b ook ,
and was lost in deep med tation Having perused a couple of i .
pages he shrugged one shoul der then the other made a grimace
, , , ,
mused for a mi nute or two and then went into a re a r room At .
this moment the clock struc k four At prec sely a quarter to . i

fi ve he returned from the rear room with an other book and once
more was lost in deep perus al .
h e fin ally said in perplex ty

“
The ve ry fact that i .
you feel bad shows that you ought to go to a doctor nstead of a i

”
druggist .
“
B
ut I ve already been to doctors ! I rang and rang but
’
,
”
nobody a nswered .
“
H m ! E v idently you don t regard us druggists as human
’ ’
i
bein gs It s noth ng to you to wake us up even at four o clock at
.
’ ’
night E very dog every c a t h a s its rest

.
,
ut you wil l not lis . B
i i
ten to t You magine that we are not hum an and that our
. ,
”
nerves are made of hemp !
i
S trizhi n listened pat ently t l l the druggist fin ished his har i
angue sighed and went home
,
.
“ ”
I guess it is my fate to die ! he thought .
i
H s mouth was as hot as a furn ace his throat was choking ,
with the odor of kerosene h s stomach wr thed with cramps a nd ,

i i
i
his ears were deafened w th a r ng ng noise : boom ! boom ! boom ! i i
Every moment he thought that he was dying and that his heart
woul d beat no more .
When he returned home he quickl y penned the foll owing ,

“ ”
note : I hold no one responsible for my death Then he .
uttered a prayer stretched himself out on his bed a nd drew a

,
i
qu lt over his head .
Till sunrise he lay awake waiting for his death and picturing
to himself how his grave woul d be strewn with fresh flowers and
i
how the b rds woul d be s nging above h im i .
I n the morning he was sitting on h is bed a n d tal kin g to

Dashenka :
“
Wh oever lives a normal and temperate l fe my dear friend i , ,
is immune from every harm even poison Take me for example ; ,

.
,
I was already standing with both feet in the grave I suff ered, I ,
died 5 and now 10 and behold ! I only feel a slight bitter

, ,
i
taste n the mouth and my th re a t is a little burned ; but as for
my entire body why thank G od , A nd why ?
,
ecause I lead a . B
”
no mal and decent life
r .
“
Not at all ! This onl y shows that my kerosene was worth
”
less ! sighed Dashenka th nking only of the p ri ce it cost
, i
This .
merely shows that the grocer nstead of giving me his best kero ,
i
sene gave me the stuff that costs only a cent and a half a quart !
,
Good God what robbers thos e people are ! How they will take
,
advantage of a poor helpless woman ! Th eves murderers ! May

, i ,
i i
they l ve n the next world as peacefully as they l et me l ive here !
What blood suckers they are !
-
And her tongue gathered more an d more steam as it gal loped

on an d on and on .
Th a t Fre sh Kid
VAN I va n it ch Lap kin a youn g man of pleasa nt appearanc e

, ,
and Ann a S emy onovna Z a mblitska ya a young girl w th a ,

i
snub nose descended the steep river bank and s ank down upon a
,
-
be nch The bench wa s situated close by the water s edge hidden

.
’
,
among thick willow bushe s What a splendi d lovers cove ! Here .

’
one might sit hidde n from all the world seen only by the fis h ,
and the water spiders that darted here and there like streaks
-
,
of l ightnin g The young couple were prov ded with fi sh ing rods
. i -
,
bags can s of worms and everyth ng else needed for a fi sh ng ex

, i i
cursio n .
No sooner were they seate d than they betook themselves to

i
the r work .
“ ’
I m so glad that we re alone at last began Lapk n after ’
,
i
“
looking aroun d I have so much to tell you Anna S emyonovna
.
,
’
S o much When I saw you for the fi rst time
. You ve .
got a nibb le there Then for the firs t time I understood my ,

’
life s purpose ; then I saw f or the first time the goddess to whom
I must dedicate my entire life work It looks as f a big fel . i
l ow s tuggin g at your l ne
’
i
When I beheld you for the first ,
time I learned to love to love pass onately ! Don t pull yet

,
Let i ’
.
him get a good Tell me my All I entreat you— not , ,
whether I may hope for my love to be returned for I am un ,
worthy of such good fortun e a nd must never dr eam of it— but

tell me whether I may ever look forward to ull ! ”
. P
With a scream Anna S emy onovn a jerked the hand that held
i i
the rod h gh into the a r A silvergreen perch gl stened in the
. i
sun
Good heaven
.
“ ’
s, a perch ! Ah ! oh ! .
! ui ck ! He ll wiggle
”
off !
43
The perch worked himself free of the hook began to fl0 p ,
about on the gr ass a nd at l ength fell w th a sp l ash back into its i

native element
D
.
uring the pursuit of the fi sh Lap kin altogether un aware ,

’
of it , had seized instead of the fis h Anna S emyon ovna s hand ,
and rai sed it inadvertently to h s lips The girl indeed, h ad i .

,
withdrawn her hand but it wa s already too late ; un awares the ,
i
l ps had joined in a kiss Everyt h n g h ad occurre d so tot ally . i
un awares The fi rst kiss wa s succeeded by a s cond ; ther upon
. e e
fo llowed pl edges a nd vows Happy moments ! .
After a ll, there is upon th s earth of ours no such thing i

as absolut happin ess e
Every joy e ther c arries its poison within
. i
itsel f or is poisoned by somethin g from without
,
o did it prove . S
he re Even whil e the young f olks were kis sin g there suddenly
.
resounded an e xplosion of laughter They l ooked toward the .
i
r ver a nd their eyes di stended w th amaz ement : there up to his i ,
hips in water stood a n aked boy It was the school boy Kolya
,
.
-
,
Anna S emyonovna s brother He stood in the water , l ooked ’

.
y
at the oun g folks and l aughed diabol cally i .
“
Ah ah ah — S o you re kissing ?
-
”
he taunted
.
“
F ine !
’
.
’ ”
I ll tell mamma .
“
I hope that you as a man of honor Lapkin began
, .
to stammer b lushing E avesdropp ng is contemptibl e a nd gossip

, , i
is mean des picable , I hope that you as a person of breeding
.
,
a nd as a ma n of hon or .
“
G ”
ive me a rouble and I won t tell ! replied th ma n of ’
e
“ ’
honor If you don t I ll blab
.
,
’
Lapkin took a rouble from h s poc ket and hande d it to i

Kolya, who crumpl ed the note nto his wet fist whistled a nd i ,
swam ofi A nd they kissed no more that day

. .
The next day Lapk n brought for Kolya, from th cit i e y

,
a box of paints and a ball ; h is s ster too pres nted h im with i , ,

e
a ll her pretty pill boxes And a fter that she had to give him
- .
’
a set of dog s head cuff buttons -
.
S uc h i s Fa m e !
HE passenger of the fi rst class who had just fin ished dinner ,
.
i
n the railway station was a tri fle drowsy ; he la y down ,
upon the velvet sofa stretched himself out with a grunt ,
of contentment and was soon dozing .
He lay thus however for but fi ve minutes ; th en he awoke

, , ,
looked with buttery eyes at his neighbor who sat directly op ,

“
p osite him smil ed and said
,
My late father blessed be his mem , ,
ory was fond of having women scratch h s heels after din ner
,
i .
I take after him with this one diff erence that after dinner I like
, ,
to scratc h my tongue a nd my head I sinner that I am like to .

, ,
prattle on a ful l stomach Will you allow me to prattle a bit .
’
with you ?
“
i
W th pleasure an swered his neighbor
,
2
.
“
After a good dinn er at the slightest opportun ity the deepest
,
thoughts begin to floo d my min d F or instance just now we .

,
saw with you at the lun ch coun ter two youn g men a nd you
,
-
, ,
heard one of them congratul at ng the other be c ause of h s p opu i i

‘ ‘
l arity . I congratul ate you he said you are already a popul ar , ,
personage you beg nn ing to acquire fa me

, i .
’
“
They must be actors or journalists ut it is not they who . B
interest me What interests me s th e question : W hat sh oul d we
. i
really un derstan d by the word fame or popularity ? Wh at is
i
your opin on ? Acc ord ng to ushkin fame is a br ght patch i P i
upon a worn out garment We al l look upon it the same wa y
-
.
P ushkin does — that is more or less subj ectively but up to the

, , ,
present no one h as given a clear logical defi nition of the word ,
i
.
I would g ve much for a concise explanation of the word fame ” .
“
Why does it concern you so deeply ? ”
“
Well if we knew prec sely what fame was you understa nd
, i , ,
46
ANTON CHE KHOV 47
then perhaps we should kn ow also how to atta n it ” answered i ,

“
the passenger of th e fi rst class after brie f meditation I must .
tell you sir that when I was younger, I strain ed ever string of
, , y
my soul in th e quest of fame In the fi rst place I am an engin eer .
,
’
by profession I ve built a score of wonderful bridges in var ous
. i
parts of Russia installed water systems in three c ties have
, i ,
worked in Russia Englan d elgium In the second place I ve

, , B .
,
’
written a large number of special treatises on matters conn e cted

with my profession Th rdly my good sir from earliest child . i , ,
’
hood I ve had a weakn ess for Chemistry ; devot ng my leisure i
time to that science I discovered means of extract ng many or i
gan ie acids for whi ch reason you can meet my name n all for
, i
eigh study books on Chem stry I ll not bur den you with an i .
’
account of all my serv c es an d accompl shments — I shall merely i i ,

.
tell you that I accomplished far more than many celebrities A n d .
the resul t ? As you see I am already old and ready to die and , ,
j
I m ust as much kn own as that black dog runn ng across the
’
i
’
tracks over there .
“
How do you kn ow ? erhaps you a re famous ? ”
P
“
H m ! We ll soon see
’
Tell me did you ever hear of the
’
.
,
Krikunov family ?
’
The other man rai sed his eyes to the ceiling thought a while ,
a nd began to l augh .
“
No Can t say that I have
.
’
he replied .
“
That s my family You are an elderly educated person and
’
.
, ,
you never heard of me — Isn t that suffi c ent proof ? I guess n .

’
i , i
my chase after fame striv ng to become known popular, I d dn t ,
i , i ’
do as I should have done I d dn t employ the proper means . i ’
an d wish in g to catch fame by the t ail I didn t approach t from

, ,
’
i
the right direction .
“ ”
What proper means do you refer to ?
“D evil know s ! You w ll say Talent ? enius ? Uncommon i . G
gifts ? That s a mistake my fr end
’
In my own t me people ,
i . i
have lived a nd made reputations who n comparison w th me are , i i ,
in apable goo d for noth ng an d alto gether worthl es s They did

c - - i .
i
,
no t strive did not d az zle with the r talents did not pursue fame
, , ,
yet behold them now ! Their names are often mention ed in the
i
papers and n c onversation ! If you re not alread wear ed of ’
y i
i
l stening I ll l lustrate my po nt w th an example
,
’
i i i .
“
A few years ago I wa s constructing a bridge in the city of
K I must tell you that there sn t a deader plac e n the whole
. i ’
i
i
world If t weren t for the women and cards I d have gone out
.
’
,
’
of my mind Well that s a n old story Just to k ll time I made

.
,
’
. i
friends there with a s nger Devil knows they all used to go i .
,
i
w ld over her and in my own op nion— how sh al l I express it
,
i
sh e was a mo st c ommonplace average youn g lady of a type that , ,
is altogether too comm on An empty headed thing capricious .

-
, ,
e nvious and a s lly goos e to boot S h e ate a good deal dra nk a i .

,
good deal slept unt l fi ve n the aftern oon an d even later A

, i i .
mediocre specimen a s you see S h e was looked upon a s a wanton ,

.
woman— that was her profession— but when folks wanted to

i
speak o f h er n literary l angua ge they would refer to her as the
‘
‘
actress or the s nger ’
In those days I was a pass onate thea
, i .
’
i
tre goe r and I would fly into a rag e when I heard her c a lled an
-
,
actress S h e h a d absolutely no r ght to th e name actress or

. i
i
s nger S h e was a creature w thout a spark of talent w thout a n
. i ,
i
atom of feeling — one might sa y n sum a poor l ttle good for , , i ,
i -
nothing .
“
A s f ar as I un derstand s n g ng sh e s ang fr ghtfully — badly i i ,
i
i i
,
enough to make you f a nt Her whole art cons isted n her .

‘ ’
i
wiggl ng with her foot when it was needed a nd in lett ng men i
i
, ,
nto her dressing roo m -

.
“
S h e preferred naturally f ore gn vaudev lle s —spicy ones , , i i
i i i i i
, ,
w th s nging a nd such n whic h sh e could appear n m as cul ne ,
i
att re In a word one of the real th ngs !
.
ut just listen to ,
‘
i ’
B
this I remember it as cle a rly as if t happend this very day
. i .
i
The br dge was ready to be thrown open to the public It wa s .
ope ned with solemnity — prayers speeche s telegrams a nd so on , , , .

ANTON C HEKHOV 49
I y
m self ra n about all flus tered w th my ch ld the work of my ,
i i
i
,
brain a nd wa s afrai d that my heart woul d burst with exc tement

, .
It was my work ! It s a n old story a nd I may pe rmit myself a bit

’
,
i
of pride so let me nform you that the bridge turned out to be
,
a masterpiece ! Not a bridge but a picture a n inspiration ! , ,
How coul d I hel p bein g ex cited whe n the whole c ty turned out ,
i
for the grand opening ?
‘ ‘ ’
Well I thought now the whole public w ll l ook at me
, , i ,
a ll eyes will seek me Where can I hide ? ’

.
“
But, my good sir my agitation was all in vain Outside of , .
the offi cial personages nobody even gave me a glance They .
i
gathered at the r ver bank staring at the br dge like so many , i
wax fi gures without g v n g so much as a pass ng thought to h m
,
ii i i
who had created th e br dge A n d s nce then devil take them i . i , ,
I ve begun to hate our wort hy publ c

’
ut just l sten S ud i . B i .
denly a commotion a rose among the assembled crowd F aces .
beamed people began to elbow their way forward

,
.
‘
Ah ! They ve noti c ed me at last ! I thought’
ut far ’
. B
from it ! I see my friend the singer squee z ing through the
crowd an d at her heels a whole army of loa fe rs A nd all eyes
,
.
‘ ’
were cent ered upon her an d thousands of lips whispered That s , ,
so an d so sn t sh e charming !
. . i
vinely beaut ful I
’
Di i ’
“
A t th is point I , too was noticed by a couple o f bum s most
‘
, ,
l ikely local l overs of the dramat c art S eein g me they scrutin i .

,
‘ ’ ’
ized me a nd b egan to murmur That s her paramour ,
.
“
How do you like that ? A m a n in a silk hat and with a aw , j
that for a l ong time had not been scraped by a razor stood near ,
me for quite a while raisin g now one foot an d now the other , ,
a nd fin all y accosted me .
‘
D
o you know who that lady is walking there at th e river s ,
’
edge ? That s so and so Her vo ce is beneath a ll crit c sm but

’
. i ii ,
she certainly knows how to use t ! i ’
‘
‘
Can you tell me ? I asked th e man n the s lk hat who con ’
i i ,
’
structed this bridge ?
50 HUM O ROU S TALE S
Upon my word I don t know ! replied the silk hat
‘
ome ,
’ ’
. S
‘
i
eng neer or other ! ’
’
‘
‘
And who I asked built this chur ch for your city ?
,
’
,
‘
I can t tell you that e ther
’
, i .
’
“
I further asked the s lk hat who was cons dered the l eading i i
professor of the c ty —the foremost arch tect — a nd to a ll thesei ,
i ,
i
quer es I received from the silk hat a singl e repl : y
‘
I don t know C an t tell you
’
.
’
.
’
‘
‘
Tell me pray I asked at l ast with whom does this noted
, ,
’
,
’
singer live ?
‘
i
W th a certain engineer by the name of Krikunov replied ,
’
the silk hat without hes tation i .
“
Well how do you like that my friend ?
,
But listen to the , .
rest of the story O n the day following the christening of the

.
bridge I seized the daily paper to discover somethin g— about my

self about the builder of the bridge F or a long t me I scann ed
,
. i
a ll four pages of the paper and fin al l y— foun d ! Hurrah ! I
i
beg n to read :
Y esterda , under a s m ilin y
s ky , in t h e re s e nc e o f g p
y
H is E x c ellenc th e o verno r a n d o th er o v e rn m e nt g g
o ffi c ia l s , a va st m unic i a l a t h e rin c e l e b ra t e d t h e p g g
p
o e nin g
o f t h e new b rid e, e t c g .
‘
The news report concluded in this fas hion :
A mo n g
o th ers t h ere w a s a l so re s e nt a t th e O e n p p
ing o ur b elo ve d a nd ifte d a rt is t, M iss S o a nd S o g
A s is ea s il unders to o d, h e r a y
e a ra nc e c re a t e d a pp .
furo re Th e no t e d a c t re s s w a s dre s s e d in
.
e tc .
About me — not a single word not a syllable ! As insignifi

“
, ,
cant as the matter wa s in that moment t grieved me so keenl y i

i
,
that I burst nto tears .
I soothed mysel f w th the c onsolat on that the province was i i

i
of me di ocre ntelligence incapable of appreciating such a work ,
i
,
a nd that t was f oolish to expe ct reco gnition from such people

;
i
that it was poss ble to ac quire fame only in ntellectual centers i
i i i
,
n the metropol tan c ties .

ANT ON C HEKHOV 51
e
W ll, there wa s at Petersburg at that time one of m works y
e
tha t I h a d submitt d in a competition Th da of the award . e y
wa s drawin g nigh .
“
I e
b ad fa r well to the city of K e took th train for P t rs I e ee
burg .
’
I
t s a l ong dista nce from K to Pet rsburg I n order to e .
e y e
driv a wa l on somen ess I too k a separate coupe a nd also the . .
e e e
sin g r W rod al on g an d on the whol e way did n othing but
.
eat, guzzl e e
ch am pagn and tra l a l a ! Had a great old tim - - e
And a t l ast there we were in Pete rsburg in the great intell ectual ,
e e
c nt r . I
arrived on the ver da y of the award a nd had the y ,
e
pl asure , my dear friend of celebrating a victor : my work was ,
y
e
honor d with the firs t p riz e Hurrah ! .
“
eTh n ext day I go to Ne vski Prospekt an d s quan d r al l of e
ee y
s v nt kopeks on newspapers I return to my hotel, sink back .
y
into th e sofa and bur mysel f in the newspapers a ll th e whil e ,
e
quiv rin g with x citement e
l ook through one pape r— nothing ! A second—not a word !
.
“
I
e e
At l ngth , in th fourth journal I come upon an ann ounceme nt
like this :
Y esterda y
th e re a rrived in Pe t ersb ur by ex ress g p
t h e no te d a rt ist e o f t h e ro vinc es , M is s S o a nd S o p
g
.
W e a re de li h ted t o sta t e th a t th e S o uth ern c lima t e

y
h a s h a d a v er b e ne fi c ia l e ffec t u o n o ur well-kno wn p
friend H er s l e ndid a rt is tic a
. p e a ra nc e pp .
“
I
can t reca ll the rest ! At the b ott om of th e p a g under
’
e ,
the same news item pr n t d in the small est siz t pe , was th e

,
i e e y
Y esterda , y at th e a wa rd of pi in th e suc h -a nd
p g
r z es
s uc h c o m e t it i n, o th e en i ne er S o -a nd-S o rec eived

fi rst riz e p .
“
A nd that was to add in sul t to in ury, the
a ll ! An d j y
e
twist d my nam about Instead of Krikun ov, th e print d . ey e
.
’
y
Kirkunov There s our intellectual center ! But that was not
52 HUMO R OU S TA LE S
“
A month l ater when I had left etersburg all the papers
,
P ,
‘
were screaming without cease about our divine highly gi fted ,
-
,
and my lady love was lauded by the p ublic pres s as if she really
amounted to someth ng i
“
S
everal ye a rs later I happened to be in Moscow The head .
of the Mos c ow D
uma had invited me thither by personal l etter , ,
in regard to a subject in whic h the entire press of Moscow has

been interested for more than a century .
“
Am ong other thing s I del vered at one o f the Mus eums five i
i
publ c lectures for a publ c cause That I magine was i .
, i ,
sufii cient to make a fellow talked about in the city for three days ,
at least ? B i
ut noth ng doin g ! Not a sin gle paper in Moscow had
,
even a word in reference to me ! They were ful l of fi res cheap ,
mus ical comedies druken merchants— o f eve ryt hing under the
,
sun except my aff air my project my lectures About these not

, ,
.
,
a syllable !
“
I ride in the electric cars packed ladies w th ofiicers stu . .
,
i '
dents of both sexes— each paired after its own kind .
‘
They say that the Duma invited a cert a in engin eer in re
’
gard to such and such a project I say to my n eighbor in a l oud .
‘
voice so that ll may hear Do you know the engineer s name 2 ‘ ’ ’
, a .
“
The fellow shook his head No The rest of the people n . . i
‘
the car looked at me a nd in all their faces I read I don t know
, ,
’
.
’
‘ ’
They say that somebody s giving l ectures in the so and so
Museums I continue addressing another w shin g to start a
, , ,
i
conversat oni ‘
They say that the lectures are very interestin g
.
.
’
“
Nobody stirred E vidently not one of them had heard of
.
the se lectures and the woman did not even kn ow that such a
,
i
mus eum was n existence But that is not a ll Just imagine my .
.
,
dear friend Al l of a sudden the whole crowd in the c a r sprang

.
from their pl aces and rushed to the window What was the .
matter ? What had happened ?

‘ ’
Look ! Look ! my neighbor cr ed jobbing me in the ribs i , .
54 HUM O R OU S TALE S
“
dis tant corner of the car That is N N the famous tell er who
. .
,
is bein g sued by the B an

“ ”
i
There you have t ! laughed the passenger of the first
clas s . He knows the teller all right yet ask him whether he
, ,
kn ows S emi ra dski C hikovski or the phil osopher S ol ovy ov and

, , ,
”
he ll shake his thick head
’
R abble !
i
A br ef sil ence .
“ ”
All ow me to ask you a question, coughed the n eighbor
i
opposite h m diflidently
,
Is the name Push kov famil iar to
.
”
you ?
“
Pushkov ? E m
’
Pushkov No I never heard of such
. .
”
a n a me
“ ’
That s my name contin ued the neighbor emb a rras sed
.
, .
S o you never heard of me ? A n d for thirty fi ve Years I have -
been profe ssor in one of Russ ia s l eading un iversities ’

a mem . .
ber of the Academy of S cience More than once my treatises

.
have been printed .
The passenger of the first clas s and h is neighbor looked at

each other an d burst into long a nd loud laughter .
O v ers p i c e d
S
HE surveyor mirn ov got off at S no ozeville S tation He .
still had about thirty or forty mil es to go before reachin g

his destination .
“ ”
Will you please tell me where I can get some post horses ? -
e
he ask d of the ticket age nt .
“ ’ ’
What s that ? Post horses ? You can t get any post horses
- -
or even an ol d broken down truck in a hundred miles

,
- Where .
”
are you bound for ?
G
eneral Kh okh otov s estate ’
.
“
O ”
h is that so ? yawn ed the ticket age nt
,
“
Well , in that .
case y ou had better go over there to that house behind the sta
”
tion The fellow that l ives there sometimes takes passengers
. .
With a sigh the surveyor betook himself to the designa ted

place where after considerable searching a nd arguing and com
,
p laining he foun d a sturdy peasant with an evil pock marked

, ,
-
face who wore a tattered smock a nd coarse straw boots

,
.
“ ”
The devil kn ows what sort of a wagon this is ! said the
“ ’
surveyor with a grimace as he clambered into the wagon It s .
i
hard to tell wh ch is the front and which is the back .
” “
Tain t hard to tell at all
’ ’
replied the peasant The ,
.
front is over there near the horse s tail and the back is over here ’
”
where Your Honor is sitting .
The colt was young but lean knock kneed and frazzl ed
, ,
-
around the ears .
The driver took his seat a nd whipped the mare ; her only
reply was a nod of the head He swore at her and hipped her . W
again ; the wagon creaked a nd shivered as though it had the
ague He struck a third blow ; the wagon began to bob Finally
. .
at the fourth blow the wagon stirred from its pl ace .
55
“ ”
Are we going to drag along like this a ll the way ? as ked
the surveyor who felt that h s very l fe wa s being rattled out of i i
i
,
h m although the wagon sc arcely moved .
“ ”
We ll g g get there all r right ! the pe as ant reas sured
’
- -
,
-
him .
“
S he s a youn g l ttle mare and she certainl y ca n run
’
i
once she gets started You jus t wait till she gets a goin g a nd.
-
,
you won t be able to hold your seat

’
Hey you giddap you . .
, ,
”
nasty old nag !
The wagon left the station at dusk To the right stretch d . e
a dark f roz en plain which seemed to extend to the very banquet
ing halls of the devil At the horiz on where the wide steppe .
,
i
melted nto the sky the cold faint l ghts of the setting autumn
,
i
sun were burning T o the left con f us ed hill y shapes ,
loomed up here and there in the twil ight It was hard to tell .
whether these were haystacks or trees The surveyor was un able .
’
to see in front of him because the peasant s massive back blotted
,
i
out the ent re landscape A cold fros ty still ness held the entire .
,
i
region n its grip .
“
What a Wilderness thought the surveyor puttin g the ,
i
c ollar of h s coat over his ears
“
No sign of a dwelling and not .
i
a living soul in s ght If robbers should attack me nobody woul d
.
,
hear my c ries nob ody woul d even kn ow where to look for my

,
bones . A n d this dr ver is not at a ll to my fancy i

Did you .
ever see such a back ? A b g husky like him coul d beat the soul i
i
out of the l kes of me with one fin ger ! An d h is snout too is , ,
”
strange and angul ar like a wil d beast s ’
.
“ ” “
Look here my friend asked the surveyor
, What s , .
’
”
your name ?
“
My name ? Klim ” .
“
i
L sten Klim I s t qui et in the se parts ? Is is safe ? I
, . i
mean are people ra ising the de vil a round here ? ”
,
“
Everyt hing s quiet thank God i
Nobody s raising the i
i
, .
”
dev l .
“
I am glad to hear nobody s rais in g the S till i
ANT ON CHE KHOV 57
I ve
’
You never can tell
. I ve taken three pistols along w th .
’
i
me ”
lied the surv eyor
,
“
A nd you know ver well , my dear . y
fellow that it is a dan gerous th ng to play w th pistol s With a
, i i . .
single revolver I coul d easily take care of ten robbers .
Night had fallen The wagon suddenly creaked began to .

,
W ake and squeak and then swerved to the left as if again st ts ,

i
“
Wh ere is he draggi
g me ? thought the surveyor Aft er n
”
.
“
going to the right he turns all of a sudden to the left I .
’
shoul dn t be surprised f he s trying to take me into the woods i ’
a nd . . G
od help me ! You never can S uch things do
. .
happen ! .
“ ” “
Listen ! he turned to the peasa nt You say that there .
’
is no danger here ? It s really too bad ! I love to have
. .
a scrap with murderers To look at me one woul d take me f or .

,
’
a skinny weak kneed piece of carrion but by J ove I ve got the
-
, ,
stren gth of a n ox O n ce I wa s atta cked by three murderers

. .
,
a nd what do you think ? I gave one of them such a beating that
he spit out h s soul i

A n d the other two were sent away to .
S iberia for lif e I don t know I m sure where I ve got such

. .
’
,
’
,
’
strength Why with one hand I can grab hold of a giant like
.
,
yourself for i nstan ce and ,

crumple him up like a piece of ,
. .
”
paper .
Klim turned around a nd l ooked at the surveyor bl nked , i

a nd wh pped up the p onyi .
“ ” “
Yes my good fellow continued the surveyor God pity
:
, , ,
’
those who start anything with me They ll not only lose their .
arms a nd le gs but they ll be sent away to S iberia to boot

,
F or ’
,
.
every single pol ice judge knows I am a n in dispensable

person a cog in the wheel of our
,
Here I am
travelling with you and the secret service knows all about it,
.
Yo u had better take care that nothing happens to me Eve ry .
where hereabouts behind every bush pol cemen and detectives

,
i
”
are H h hold on ! suddenl y cried the surveyor in
- -
“ ”
alarm . Where are you going ? Where are you draggi ng me ?
“
Can t you see ? Th s is a fores
’
i
“
“ ”
S ure enough it is a forest thought the surveyor, a nd
, ,
’
that s just why I am so frighten ed
’
But it wouldn t do to show .
h im that I am afraid H e has already noticed how scared I am

. .
Why in the world does he keep turn ing around and l ooking at
me ? I guess he s already plannin g how to
’
At first he was trav .
elling so slowly but now he s galloping lik e the very devil

,
’
“
Look here , Kl im what are you hurrying th e mare like this
,
”
for ?
“
I m not hurrying her she s hurrying of her own accord
’ ’
,
.
O nce she gets started nothing in the world ca n stop her

,
Even .
”
she herself is sorry for having such hurrying hoofs .
“ ’
You re lying you rascal ! I kn ow that you re lying ! But
’
,
just the same I d advise you to sl ow her up S top her

’
o . . D
”
you hear ? S top her !
“ ”
What for ?
“ ’
Wh at for ? Becaus e I m expecting four friends from the
station I want them to catch up with me
. They promised .
to overtake me in the forest It wil l be more cheerful to travel .
together with them They re huskies — in fact regul ar giants

.
’
, , ,
’
a nd every mother s son of them has got a pistol Now what .
in the world are you looking at me like that for ? A nd why do

you bob aroun d as though you were sittin g on pins a nd needl es ,
ha ? There s n o need of your look ng at me There s nothing

’
i .
’
extraordinary about my appearance But my pistols are . .
really worth looking at ! If you want to I ll take them out a nd ,

’
show them to you Do you want to see them ? Hey ? ”

.
The surveyor made a motion as if to look for them in his

poc kets when he was suddenly ama z ed to see that which even
,
in his worst fears he had never expected : Kl m rolled off the

, i
wagon and on all fours sc urried away among the thick bushes .
“ ” “
Help ! he began to cry Help ! Take the mare a nd the .
wagon and everything but spare my life ! H ! elp ,

-
ANT ON CHE KHOV 59
There was a soun d of hurryin g footsteps a nd the cracklin g

of dry branches , and after that all was still The surveyor who .
,
was dum bfoun ded at this stopped the wag on , rearran ged the
,
seat under him a nd began to thi nk .
“
He has run away the fool ! What a coward !
, But what .
in the world am I to do no w ? I can t go on myself ; for in

.
’
,
the fi rst place I don t kn ow the way and in the second pl ace
,
’
, ,
’
people might suspect me of stealin g the What s to be
”
done ?
“ “
Klim he called Kl im A nd the echo rebounded from
,
“ ”
the forest , Kl im ! Klim !
At the thought that he woul d have to stay all night in the
dark forest where the only sounds were the howlin g of the wolve s
’
and the snorting of the lean mare the surveyor s terror became ,
almost unbearable .
“
My darling little Kl m i“
he began to cry , My sweet dear , ,
darlin g littl e Kli m ! Where are you ? ’
F or ab out two hours the surveyor cont inued his entreaties .
Fin ally whe n he became hoarse from calling and was al ready
,
resigned to spend the night in th e forest the bree z e brought a ,
fain t moan to his ears .
Is that you my darling little Klim ? C ome l et us continu

, , e
’
our journ ey .
“ ”
’
I m afraid you ll k k kill me ! replied a weak voice
’
- - .
“
I was onl y j oking Klim darl ing ! S o help me od I was
,
G ,
only fooling ! I have no pistols with me I onl y pretended .
’ ’
becaus e I was afraid Have pity o n me ! Let s go on ! I m
.
frozen !
.
Evidently realiz in g that a regul ar robber woul d long ago

have disappeared with the mare Kl im emerged from the bus hes ,
a nd timidl y approached his passenger .
“
Well , you big jackass what did you get frightened for ?
,
j
I was only okin g a nd you became scared
”
it down !
”
. S
“ How sho
ul d I know your Honor ? stamm ered Kl im as he
, ,
60 HUMO R OUS TA E L S
i
clambered nto the wagon If I.
“
had onl y
known in the first
’
e
place I wouldn t hav taken you for a hundred roubles I al
,
.
i
most d ed of fright .
Kl im whipped the mare ; th e wagon began to creak and

i e
sh iver Klim beat her a second t me ; th wagon began to bob
.
e
.
F inal at the fourt h blow the wagon stirred from its pla ce Th .
surveyor put the coll ar of his coat over his e ars His fear was
.
i
ent rely gone .
THE O NLY MA GA Z I NE I N TH E CO UNTR Y wh ich FO R
TWO YEARS I N S UCCE S S I O N ha s been a wa rded 1 0 0 % of
dis tinction by Edwa rd J . O B rien
’
for th e un f a i li ng excellence
of its sh ort stories is
TH E S TRA TFO R D JO U R NA L
An In terna tio na l M a gaz ine
E DITORS :
IS AAC GOLDBERG HENRY T S CH NI TTK IND .
T! ze S tra zf ora Journa l ’

is unique
BE CAU S E
It is the only magazi ne in the English languag that con e
tains translations of the best cont mporar f ore gn fi ction, thus e y i
bringin g to gether between ts covers the greatest wri ters ofi
the world .
B E CAU S E
Each issue has a n ext ensive department of poetr , repre y
s enting both the old a nd the n ew schools , o riginal as well a s
tran slated .
BE CAU E S
i
A large sect on of the S TRAT F R J URNAL is devoted O D O
to the Drama, both Americ an a nd foreign, with particular
refere nce to the one act play which is ust coming into ts own
-
j i
i
in th s coun tr y .
,
BE CAUS E
The S TRAT F ORD J OURNAL presents in ach issue by e
means of e ntertainin g an d author tat ve essays the best ideas i i ,
y
,
of ever c ountry Every phase of hum an thought, a nd every

D
.
n ati on in the world is represented in the S TRATF OR

,
F rom on e o f our rea ders

“I
f
lo ok orwa rd to each issue of th e S TRA TFO RD
J O URNA L more th a n to a ny o th er ma azine ublish ed in th e
” g p
United S ta tes .
A noth er rea der writes

“
f
Y our deligh t ul ma ga zine is th e Ultima Th ule
of intel
lectual a tta inment ”
ISSUED E VE Y MONTH
.
R
A YEA R
Th e U n i v ers i ty S erie s
I . T HE POE T S O F THE F UTU R E
A EA LY ANTHOLO Y THE BE ST LYRIC OETRY WRITTEN BY
Y R G OF P
A ERICAN COLLE E UNDE R R D UATE S EDITED BY HENRY T
M G G A
W TH AN INTROD UCTION BY WI LI
.
,
N TT N
S CH I KI D, I L AM S
BRAITHWAITE
.
Th e R eview of R eviews says :

“
There is a freshness about the whole colle c tion that is
beautiful B
y a ll me an s let us have more of these college
.
,
Anthologies .
Pro fJ W i
Cun lifi e, Assoc ate D rector of the S chool of J ourna l i
ism t i
. . .
a C olum bia Univers ty , says :

“ ’
One s fi rst impression in running over the American col
lection is the general high level of workmans h p ; the next the
”
i ,
variety of theme and treatment .
Willia m S ta nley B ra ith wa ite

writes of the book :
“
I think this An thology w ll have a deep nterest for read i i
ers un associate d with academi c life for n the poetry world t i i
i
,
”
may well serve as the yearly S pr ng of S ong .
Vol I 1 9 1 5 1 9 1 6 ; Vol II 1 9 1 6 1 9 1 7 .
,
-
.
,
- .
E a ch v olume 1 2 mo .
, cloth , n et lea th er, n et .
II THE S HO R T S T O RY IN THE C OLLE GE

.
S A ELECTION THE BE T HO T TO I W ITTEN BY COLLE E

OF S S R S R ES R G
S U T DENT WITH AN INT ODUCTION BY EDWA D O B EN
S R R, J RI .
’
.
IN STIN ITUTIN i i
G the above ser es the publ shers hope to encourage
i
,
young authors of talent and to pre se rve n permanent f orm the

i i
,
best work of college men an d women whos e l terary inspirat on

i
is as yet ideal before the authors have yet learned that l tera
i
,
ture in order to be suc c e ssful must be made to order — l ke soap

i
, , ,
or shirts o r lard These books reveal to us the l terary masters

.
of the future in the makin g .
Vol I 1 9 1 6 1 91 7 .
,
-
.
1 2 mo ., c lo th , n et ; l ea th er, net .
T HE S T RAT F O R D Publisher s

Humorous Tales - Anton Chekhov

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Humorous Tales - Anton Chekhov

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A nto n C h e kho v

if he is a man of imagination as well as of scie nc e he is prompted ,

to reﬂect through the lens of ﬁ ction .

Though Anton Che khov was a physician by training ( hav ,

ing been graduated from the Moscow University n 18 84 at the i ,

age of twe nty-four ) he was a writer by prefere nce The wide .

kn owledge gained from his medical studies an d pract ce i ,

Am erican readers are by this time fairly well acqua nted i

One phase of the great Russian s work however h as thus far

been largely neglected ; hi s humorous vein This is all the more .

surprising becaus e the Chekhov of the humorous tale s naturall y

be un fai r to both writers to exten d the compar son too far i .

Many of the tales of Chekhov in their technique resemble

in miniature whil e 0 Hen ry s tales on the other han d at time s

contain more frame than picture — the narrown ess of the me

and steppe al ke reposes that same heaven n to wh ch each in h i s

Of the tales chosen for in clusion n th s vol ume the ﬁrst i i

sel f revealin g than de Maupassant he is on the whole more deep

than 0 Henry I f 0 Henr may be called the Am erican Chek

S as ha S mi rn ov the onl y son of h is mother wal ked nerv

ously i nto the ofﬁ ce of Doctor K osh elkov .

heart and stammered nervous ly :

You have cured me of a terr ble d sease a nd an d we both i i . .

terru p ted the doctor l terall y melt ng w th pleasure

although both of us mother and I who am the onl y son of my

mother beg of you to accept from us as a token of our grat tude

this object whi ch is an object of rare worth a wonderful

masterpiece n an tique bronze i ”

The doctor made a gr mace i .

a nd Th s is a very rare work o f art i

bronze I t is a rel c le ft by my dead father We have been

prizing it as a ve ry dear remembrance My father used to .

A nd now we cont nue n the same bus iness my mother a n d ,

I t was a low can delabrum o f antique bronz e a work of real ,

art representing a group : On a pedestal stoo d two ﬁ gures of

pedesta l and e xh bit a performance which i

I am even asham ed to think of it !

head cleared his throat and blew h s nose

co nventional not a bit literary s it ?

ugly S houl d I place suc h a phantasmagori a upon my table I

look at t ! S uch s its harmon ous beauty that just to con

our dearest possession and my onl y regret is that we are

l adi e s come her continual ly e

n o use arguin g with you .

the candel abrum right here next to th vase B J ove , but it s , e . y ’

Now who in the worl d is there to whom I can pr s nt or donate ee

l awyer Ukhov to whom he wa s indebted for l egal service s .

No sooner thought than done ressing himsel f, the doctor .

took the can delab rum a nd went to the home of Ukhov .

will therefore repay you by presentin g you with th s e xquisite i

As so on as the lawy er caught sight of it he was exh larated

ingratitude for you to re f use t ! uch a mas terpiece ! What i S

But the doctor refus ed to listen to him Gesticulatin g even .

that he was rid of the pre sent .

wonder what n the world he c oul d do with t .

to someone I ve got it This very evening I m going to

gi ve it to the comed an S h oshkin The rasc al loves such thi ngs i

and bes des th s is h s beneﬁ t night , .

No sooner thought than done That afternoon the wel l packed .

candelabrum was brought to the comedian S h oshkin .

That whole even in g the dressing room of the comed an S hosh -

gest cul ated with h s hands a nd sa d :

show you the place all right everybody knows her ,

The c omedian followed his