Hey,Hope you are doing well,

It’s been more than a month since I moved to the USA.

But it has been just 2 days since I read that email of yours.

Anu,I am so fucked up here right now. Like so literally fucked up,like I am in the
worst phase that life could throw at me

I feel like I am rotting here.

I know you will be more enthralled than ever after reading the above 3 lines. If that’s
the case, go on. You will have tons of fun reading more of this. Either way, it wouldn't
make a difference to my state.

Before you go ahead,I swear to God, I honestly have ‘0’ feelings towards you, be it
love, hate, envy... and yet I don’t understand why I am writing this to you. Why am I
telling this to you and only you despite so many faces around me? I asked myself.
Maybe it's my understanding that if there is anyone who knows me in and out, it's
you, and at this point, there is nothing more that can make you hate me more. Or
maybe it is my conscience that kicked in and I feel guilty about whatever I said or
did. I honestly have no clue.

Anu, I met more people here than I did in my four years of undergrad. They are all
very nice and super friendly. They talk well, and you know, I was surprised when I
was able to comfortably talk to women. I felt on top of the world when I was able to
do that. Can you fuckin' believe it? I gave a presentation in front of a crowd of more
than 200 people.

What's wrong, you ask?

Things happen unexpectedly Anu, just like the way I met you

Before I moved over here, after whatever happened to me,

I made up my mind to avoid all this shit of being a loner and other "not-me" shit
,wanting to meet new people and stop being the old me who was always in my
comfort zone.

From what I heard when I was in India, I thought people here were so open and nice
to each other. I thought it would be like a new dimension that just opened to give me
an opportunity to reinvent myself. I assumed that the amount of work and fun I'd
have here would prevent me from even catching a glimpse or thinking about you,
and boy, was I wrong.

Let me elaborate.

I wanted to be myself and not pretend to be someone who I wasn't. I leased a room
for myself for 12 months,which clearly is a fucked up thing to do. I wanted to have
the best life I could have abroad. I speak to so many people and I complete my
assignments. People here are busy exploring things that are new,but I don't know. I
feel like I am lost thinking about something. Anu, I am really surprised I could talk to
so many people,even fellow Indians. A few women I've gotten to know here are up
all night at the pool or library. I can't. I don't feel like any of them could ever have the
same rapo or comfort I had talking to you.

There was this senior who is in her 2nd year of masters, and as I was talking to her,
she replied, "ayoo" to something I said, and it reminded me of old stuff. I felt like I
was zoning out.

There are certain times I believe I’m over it and I’m not missing you, but then as
soon as I hear something or see something that reminds me of you, I realise I’m still
missing you more than ever.

I miss your voice. I missed your questions. I miss your laugh. I miss your contagious
smile. I miss your warmth. I miss having someone who could make everything better,
no matter where I was or what was going on. I miss your jokes. I miss your endless
stories about any situation. I miss your never-ending life advice. I miss you.

All I do is sit there listening to the lyrics of these songs and partially relating to
them,here are a few

● Munn - Empty Eyes (Lyrics)

● Calum Scott - You Are The Reason (Lyrics)
● Akon - Lonely (Lyrics)
● NF - I Miss The Days (Lyrics)
● James Arthur - Say You Won't Let Go (Lyrics)
● Jain - Oh Man (Official Lyric Video)
● Jake Hill - Stay (Lyrics)
● ELIJAH MOON, Sølace - Dead and Cold (Lyrics)

You know that feeling, Anu? When people are in deep trouble, they suddenly
become so devoted to God that they place all their trust in God's hands and go to
temples to tell their problems, hoping that the goddess or god will solve them.
Yeah, I am precisely in that dire situation. The only thing that came close was telling
you everything.

To be accurate and short,unlike how I usually tell you things,

“I want to hug someone. No, not in a physical way,but in a way that makes me feel
better at heart.”

I've gotten to the point where I pity myself, and every time I do, I feel helpless.I will
still write about how I feel about you. Here are a few lines.I sometimes smile at them
when I think of everything that happened, and yet I still do this to cope with it.

My pain is revealed Anu ,even though you are the one I wanted,

To keep these things concealed from

I never wanted to forget you anyway.

I hope the old friendship truly stays.

Please don’t let this fall away.

I’ll just hold on till another day.

I miss you more than these fragile words could ever say.

Out of all the things I had access to, I chose you.

I said I miss you and I really do.

I tried to get over you.

I did all I could to forget.

But I couldn’t do it, you bet.

Letting you go was my biggest mistake.

And every day, feeling your absence, I will break.

I miss the way you would understand.

Listen carefully and be there

I miss our long, random talks Anu,I miss the way you could read my mind.
I know you have had different priorities and different interests, and I respect them.Yet
I am taking my chances because some part of me is missing you badly.

Anu Just as you said in your earlier mail, I agree with everything you said. I take the
blame for everything. I admit you are wiser and more mature than me as a person.

I know when I ask you this it makes me look weak, but it is a compromise I believe is
worth making.

I know I was a burden and I wasn’t easy to handle, but I think you did a good job. It
was horrific, and you took it all. But I am going through the worst part of my life.

Again, I swear to God, I honestly have no feelings for you.

If there is anything I could ask you from here, it would be a request to have the same
old long talks we used to have. OK, maybe not so long as you have your priorities
set straight. Anu, talk to me for a minute a day,and I bet I will be behaving like I had
drugs or something.

If you're concerned about time zones, don't be. I have been awake all nights here,
walking aimlessly through the streets.

Just two friends who could talk? You would be doing me a huge favour, Anu i know
after all this it isn't as easy as i sound.

But

I hope you know what the right move to take is,for once to stand in my shoes(even if
they barely match:). If you are convinced that I am being honest,just ping me. It
would mean so much.

Will be waiting hopefully to hear from you.