Non-Violent Communication

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) has been described as a language of compassion, as a tool for positive social
change, and as a spiritual practice. NVC gives us the tools to understand what triggers us, to take responsibility for our
reactions, and to deepen our connection with ourselves and others, thereby transforming our habitual responses to life.
Ultimately, it involves a radical change in how we think about life and meaning.
NVC is based on a fundamental principle:
Underlying all human actions are needs that people are seeking to meet, and understanding and acknowledging these
needs can create a shared basis for connection, cooperation, and more globally – peace.
What is Nonviolent Communication?
1. express your feelings and needs with clarity and self-responsibility;
2. listen to others' feelings and needs with compassion and empathy;
3. Facilitate mutually beneficial outcomes for all parties involved.
What is the goal of Nonviolent Communication?
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is sometimes referred to as compassionate communication.
 to strengthen our ability to inspire compassion and to respond compassionately to others and to ourselves.
 to sharpen one’s awareness of language so that one can express what really matters to him/her, and also hear
what really matters to others.
 to attune ourselves to both our own and other people's real needs.
What are the 5 pillars of Nonviolent Communication?
These include: Respect, • Understanding, • Acceptance, • Appreciation and • Compassion.
The four NVC steps are:
1) Observations 2) Feelings 3) Needs 4) Requests
1) Observations :- State the observations that are leading you to feel the need to say something. In the first step,
distinguish observations/facts from interpretations and judgments. Describe what has happened (what did someone do
or say) or what you are telling yourself about what happened. When sharing observations, avoid words like: often,
rarely, never, always, etc.
Examples:
– Interpretation/judgment: “Every time I have an idea, you criticize it and don’t want to agree to it.”
– Observation: “I suggested we spend this weekend in Prague and you said you’d rather stay at home.”
– Interpretation/judgment: “You are completely unreliable; you never keep your word!”
– Observation: “You said you were going to take out the rubbish last night and you haven’t done it until now.”
2. Observations :-In the second step, we name the feelings that appear in us, our body, in connection to the described
situation. Something has happened and we are starting to feel something. The purpose of naming feelings is to get in
contact with the needs behind them. The characteristic of feelings is that they name how you are, which emotions you
experience.
Examples
– Interpretation/thoughts and so called “false feelings”: “I feel that you don’t care about me at all”,
“I feel humiliated”, “I feel as if you think I am stupid”, “I feel that I am worthless”.
– Feelings: “I feel frustrated and lonely”, “I feel excited”, “I am irritated”.
3) Needs
They can be described as a life force or an inner energy that “drives” us. We want to establish contact with them when
we empathize with others and ourselves. In this step, what can go wrong is confusing needs with strategies. It is good
to distinguish needs from the strategies you choose to satisfy a particular need, because at the strategy level it is easy
to start a conflict, which is almost impossible at the needs level.
Examples:
– Need: creativity
– Strategies for meeting the need of creativity: painting a picture, cooking dinner using randomly bought vegetables,
coming up with new exercises for the workshop.
– Need: authenticity
– Strategies for meeting the need of authenticity: unrestrained dancing, telling the other person what I don’t like
instead of pretending that everything is ok, leaving meetings that don’t serve me.
4) Requests
The purpose of the fourth step is to make it clear in which way you would like your needs to be met. You ask others to
do something, instead of hoping that they will find it out on their own, and this way you increase the chance that your
needs will be fulfilled. You can ask others but you can also ask yourself. At this step, remember that the request is a
request, not a demand. It is worth expressing requests clearly and concretely (what, who, where and when). It is
important that the request is doable and that it says what you want, not what you don’t want.
Examples:
– A request that is vague: “Can you respect me more?”
– A request that says what you don’t want: “Can you stop walking around the table?”
– A request rather impossible to fulfil: “Would you like to always bring me breakfast to bed?”
– A demand: “Take these plates to the dishwasher immediately or you will regret not doing it.”
Three NVC paths – three perspectives
These are the three paths you can follow:- deep listening, respect and empathy

Empathy:- The ability to identify with or understand another's situation or feelings.

 Nonviolent Communication Exercises
Exercise 1: Practice Making Observations, Not Judgments
Making objective observations instead of judgments about people you disagree with is difficult. Practice this skill by
starting with positive judgments you’ve made.
 Think of a person or group that you’ve made a positive moralistic judgment about recently. (For example,
“My son is so smart” or “The U.S. women’s national soccer team is the best team in history.”) Write that
judgment below.
 How can you rephrase that judgment as an observation? (For example, “My son got an A on his spelling test”
or “The U.S. women’s soccer team has won four gold medals.”)
 Now, think of a negative moralistic judgment you’ve made in the past. (For example, “My neighbor is a jerk”
or “Gun owners are bad people.”) Write that judgment below.
 How can you rephrase that judgment as an observation? (For example, “My neighbor blew all his leaves into
my yard” or “Nonviolence is important to me, so I don’t support owning weapons.”)
Exercise 2: Identify Feelings and Needs
Identifying feelings and connecting them to needs takes practice. Try it out now by revisiting a past conversation.
 Think of the last time you had a disagreement with someone close to you. What were you feeling during that
disagreement? What need gave rise to those feelings?
 Now, think about the person you disagreed with. What were they feeling at the time? What were they
needing?
Exercise 3: Practice Emergency Empathy
Sometimes, you may feel so threatened or upset by someone that you’re not able to offer genuine empathy. This
exercise will help you make a plan for those situations.
 Think of a person or group that violates your values so profoundly that you find them impossible to empathize
with. When you’ve interacted with that person or group in the past, what emotions were you feeling?
 When you think about that person or group now, what emotions come up?
 Thinking about that person or group right now, while you’re not directly interacting with them, do you still
find it impossible to empathize with them? What feelings or needs of theirs can you identify?
 The next time you have to interact with this person or group, how can you show yourself some emergency
first-aid empathy?