Masculinity

Max

A play by

MJ Kaufman























Beth Blickers | APA
O: (212) 621-3098 | F: (212) 245-5062
bblickers@apa-agency.com | www.apa-agency.com

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WHO:
The ensemble must be all women, transmasculine and nonbinary people. They are double-
cast in this way:

1. GRANDPA GREEN actor also plays WILSON and ED.
2. UNCLE GRUMBLE actor also plays SENSITIVE GUY, CUSTOMER, and CURATOR.
3. BILL actor also plays JOEY.
4. MAX.
5. TAMILA.
6. MOM actor also plays SOFIA.

Tracks 2, 3, and 5 must be played by people of color. Tracks 1, 4, and 6 should be played by
white actors.

A / means the following line overlaps starting at the /.
A – means the character is cut off by themself or another.

2
 SCENE ONE
A dive bar.
Elevator music, dart boards, Budweiser on tap.
MAX and SENSITIVE GUY are on a date.

SENSITIVE GUY
Being a man is like being a tiger stuck in a cage.
You’ll see as you go along.
You just want out. But there’s no way out!

Another seltzer with lime please!

The pressures that everyone puts on you.
But it’s different for you cuz you chose it.
Did you? Did you choose it?
What are we supposed to think about that these days, is it a choice or not?

MAX
It’s complicated.

SENSITIVE GUY
Yeah you’re actually born this way, right?

MAX
Um well I personally wouldn’t say exactly that but some people /might say

SENSITIVE GUY
What a doozy right? How could we ever KNOW if anyone was born any way, right?
But YOU had a sense of being born in the wrong body. I wish I had any sense of my
body when I was a kid but I was just a blob in front of the TV. Took years of yoga
and therapy to get me to really feel myself.

MAX
What’s that on your necklace?

SENSITIVE GUY
Unicorn. Helps remind me of my tender side.
You like it?

MAX
I just thought maybe it was a narwhal.
That’s my family’s team.
Are you into football?
Cuz my family’s really-

SENSITIVE GUY

3
 You know what the saddest part of all this is?
Saddest part of this mess the size of the human species?
Saddest part is how misunderstood men are.
Like really misunderstood.
No one gets everything that’s part of it.
That goes into being a man.
All the shit you have to put up with.
How you’re dying on the inside most of the time.
What do you think about that?
Having recently switched teams.
If you know what I mean.

MAX
Please don’t call it that.

SENSITIVE GUY
Switching teams?

MAX
I like to think we’re all on the same team.

SENSITIVE GUY
And what team is that?

MAX
Well people.
Like all humanity.

SENSITIVE GUY
Lemme tell you a story.
Lemme TELL YOU a STORY.
There was this one time. Years ago.
I was prolly 25?
And I was on the top of this mountain.
I had spent the whole day climbing up to the top.
And it was breathtaking, lemme tell ya.
There were little mountain goats bouncing around.
Trees waving their pine-needled fingers.
River whispering soft melodies.
I pulled out my pipe and lit my last little drop of weed.
And I waited for night to fall.
And I thought: there is something greater than us out there.
I know there is.

He’s waiting for MAX to have a reaction.

4
 The longer you journey the more wisdom you find.
Let’s get real. Your profile said you were exploring.

MAX
Um. I am.

SENSITIVE GUY
Well what are you exploring?

MAX
I am uh
exploring
my attraction
to other guys.

SENSITIVE GUY
In bed man. What are you exploring in bed?

MAX
I don’t really know yet.

SENSITIVE GUY
When you think of getting into bed with the other boys what are you thinking of?

MAX
I…
It’s just like I want to be seen as a man?
Treated like a man? And not have anyone doubt that that’s what I am.
Or focus too much on me being trans.
That’s the main thing.

SENSITIVE GUY
Okay but really though. What are you thinking about doing in bed?

MAX
I… I don’t know.

SENSITIVE GUY
Fucking in the front hole or the back hole? Cuz you still got original plumbing right?
Or do you call it a boy pussy? I’ve been with trans guys before. I know the lingo.
And are you into role-play? Impact play? Power play? Topping, bottoming what
have you?

MAX
You know I actually
I have to go home.

5

SENSITIVE GUY
You feeling okay?

MAX
Um not really.

SENSITIVE GUY
Oh man I hope it’s not whatever you’re drinking.

MAX
I’m drinking water.

SENSITIVE GUY
You gonna vom? I’ll come with you.

MAX
I’ll be fine.

SENSITIVE GUY
I think we’re having a pretty good date.

MAX
Yeah I just feel sick and have to go home now.

SENSITIVE GUY
Don’t tell me you’re not attracted to me.
I don’t mean to be cocky but everyone is attracted to me.
I am GOOD in bed.
Other trans guys have given me rave reviews-
if I was on Yelp I’d be a five star!

MAX
Totally man, you’re… you’re very attractive I just I have to go home now.
It’s not really personal.

SENSITIVE GUY
You know to be honest I’m kinda offended. You don’t know how much work I’ve had
to do to feel okay with my desire. It’s not easy to feel okay being attracted to
anything when you’re a man in this world! Given all the work I’ve done it’s kind of
cruel of you to just straight up reject me.

MAX
I have to go home now.
Like really really.
It was great to meet you I’ll be in touch.

6

SENSITIVE GUY
You’re a terrible liar, you know that?
I can see right through you.
I’ll tell you one thing about being a man.
You gotta tell it like it is.
You gotta mean what you say and say what you mean
Come back when you figure out what you want.


SCENE TWO
A queer punk apartment.
Beat-up couch, trash on the floor, tools everywhere, bikes in the corner.
TAMILA is watching a movie. Sounds of bombs going off emanate from the TV.
MAX enters.

MAX
Why do you always watch these horrific war movies?

TAMILA
They satisfy me.
I like to watch men getting killed.

Phone rings.
TAMILA mutes the TV and answers.

Wonder Wheels Bike Shop. Tamila speaking.

Oh hi Lyndsay! Uh huh. Stuck seat, huh? Yup, know the feeling. Motherfucker won’t
budge. Did you throw some lube in there and you know LUBE it all up?

MAX makes a face.

Uh huh.

She looks at MAX.

TAMILA
Didn’t work.

MAX gestures for the phone. TAMILA passes it to him.

MAX
Hi Lyndsay. Hi. Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Okay.
Sounds like a case of galvanic corrosion.

7
 Yup. If your post is carbon but the frame is aluminum the aluminum oxide build-up
will jam the post in place and lube won’t loosen it at all. I’d recommend some ACF50.
Or pour some boiling water down there and turn the sucker upside down for a day
or two. Give it some elbow grease. You might lose a few hours of your life but it’ll
definitely get free.

TAMILA looks in MAX’s backpack.

If it keeps giving you trouble just bring it in! I’d be happy to take a look.
Sure sure. Any time.

He hangs up.

TAMILA
Look at you Mr. Galvanic Corrosion.

MAX
Mechanic Reddit forums. All the way.

TAMILA
Hey, do you know what happened to my organic sea-salt caramel chocolate bar that
I was saving for a treat after a long day?

MAX
Uh no idea.

TAMILA
Cuz I just found the wrapper in your backpack.

She holds it up.

MAX
Oh yeah that’s from when I got one for myself. A while ago.

TAMILA
Back when you were buying fancy organic shit?

MAX
Uhh yeah I went through a phase. A while ago.

Anyway let’s make popcorn!

TAMILA
I finished it.

MAX

8
 I got more yesterday.

TAMILA
Finished that too.

MAX
Already?

TAMILA
I have to eat something salty while I watch men bleed out.
That’s my ritual.

MAX
Yeah but /that-

TAMILA
And I HAD to watch three hours of TV to detox from an idiotic meeting with a
curator. The one from Coffeehouse 9.

MAX
Oh shit. What happened?

TAMILA
I showed him my whole flower-shop series but apparently since I’m brown and
trans I can’t paint flowers I have to paint stuff about my identity.

MAX
Did he like look at your flowers though?
Those are no ordinary flowers.

TAMILA
Honestly I don’t even think he looked at them.
So now I have to think of a whole new concept for my show.
Something about identity. And it has to be really good.

MAX
Damn. That sucks. I’m sorry.

They watch.
Sounds of guns, explosions, men yelling.

MAX
Which one do you see yourself as?

TAMILA
What do you mean?

9

MAX
Like when the man and woman kiss on TV. Or in a movie.
Which one are you? In your head?

TAMILA
Neither.

MAX
I used to always see myself in the guy.
Like when I was a kid and these kinda movies would come on.
I would imagine me as that guy, wearing those clothes, kissing that lady.

TAMILA
I would definitely rather wear her clothes. Her dress is awesome.

MAX
What if there was a war between the genders and it was men against women and
those were literally the only options and you HAD to be one or the other?

TAMILA
Obviously I’m a woman.

MAX
Well I know I just meant given everything we know about gender being
constructed and performed and all that.

TAMILA
I’d fight with the women, thanks.

MAX
What if they look at me and they’re like you’re more of a guy so you’re fighting with
the men, buddy, you don’t get a choice!

TAMILA
That would suck. And be transphobic.

MAX
Who would win? Men?

TAMILA
What are you even talking about?

MAX
Well I mean men have the most brute force.
Which is what it takes to win a war.

10

TAMILA
But women have all the resentment.
Which is the most powerful fuel for a fight.

MAX
Maybe instead of joining a side we should just hideout underground and eat ice
cream til it’s over?

TAMILA
That would be such a cop-out.

MAX
But then when everyone’s dead we can make a new world order.

TAMILA
You mean when all the men are dead. Cuz the women would win.

Maybe I should do a new series that’s like the world after men. I wonder if that
would be identity-focused enough for Coffeehouse 9.

Movie sounds.

MAX
I actually um.
I wanted to tell you that
I think I might be on the other team now?
I hate that way of thinking about it but like
I don’t know if I’m
an in-between genderqueer butch person anymore
I want to be seen as a man?
want people to treat me as a man?
That’s like
All I think about sometimes.
So that’s who I think I am.

TAMILA
Oh wow.
Um congratulations!
That’s exciting.

MAX
I kind of think my whole life my gender has been sliding towards man.

TAMILA
Yeah. I would say so too.

11

MAX
And I’ve thought I was a man before but been hesitant to claim it cuz, I don’t know
but anyway yeah. Man. That’s what it is now.

TAMILA
You got a new name or pronoun or anything?

MAX
I think I want to use he now. He, him his.

TAMILA
Gotcha. And still Max?

MAX
Still Max.

TAMILA
Okay then.
How do you feel?

MAX
I um I feel
I feel GREAT!
Let’s do this world!

TAMILA
We should have cake.

MAX
We don’t have any cake.

TAMILA
I’m gonna get you a cake.

MAX
You can’t dumpster Papa Johns on Tuesdays.

TAMILA
I’m not gonna dumpster your cake I’m gonna BUY you a cake!
Tomorrow.

MAX
But I thought we were gonna pay rent in full this month.

TAMILA

12
 Max. This is like a Really. Special. Occasion.

MAX
Oh. Okay. Cool.

They watch the movie for a moment.

TAMILA
Just don’t become a mansplainer.

MAX
I won’t.

TAMILA
Or one of those guys that takes up ALL the space at organizing meetings.

MAX
No way.

TAMILA
Or one of those interrupters? Or those guys that just talk over women? Or ooooh the
ones who rely on statistics to make a point in conversation.

MAX
Oh yeah hell no.

TAMILA
Don’t be one of those guys who thinks he gets to touch people without asking.

MAX
What do you take me for?

TAMILA
Or one of those artistic guys.

MAX
Which ones are those?

TAMILA
You know what I’m talking about. Musician guys. Guys who know about a gazillion
bands and when they talk about them become mega douche-bags like their band-
knowledge is an extension of their dick? Or those filmmaker guys that are all indie
and wear glasses and just wanna talk your ear off about obscure art films?

MAX
Okay okay I get it already.

13

TAMILA
Promise me you won’t be one of those guys.

MAX
You know me! You know I’m not like that!

TAMILA
I don’t wanna wake up one day and accidentally be best friends and roommates and
coworkers with a sensitive filmmaker undercover misogynist!

MAX
No no no I will NOT be one of those men.

TAMILA
Good. Cuz you know how some guys transition and think they have to make up for
lost time by being super dude-bro and working out a lot and doing guy shit and get
all minimalist about how they decorate their houses and start eating meat and
drinking a lot and objectifying women with other trans guys? You can’t be that
either.

MAX
You know me, what do you think I’m gonna do?

TAMILA
But also don’t be one of those trans guys that tries to mitigate their masculinity by
going vegan or wearing hot pink or never ever talking at all.
You can just be a guy if you want to!
You can be whatever kind of guy you want to.

MAX
Thanks.

TAMILA
I’m proud of you.
What kind of cake?


SCENE THREE
MAX and MOM in the kitchen cooking in preparation for Super Bowl Sunday. Blue
decorations everywhere.

MAX
Why is everything blue in here?

MOM

14
 Don’t you love the “it’s a boy” balloons? Had to drive all the way out to Party City to
get those!

MAX
Um yeah sure.

MOM
I’ve been making special “boy” food all morning. Sausage pretzel bites! Hot dogs!
Garlicy cheese balls! If you get my meaning.

MAX
Gross, Mom.

MOM
I saw it on a PFLAG Pinterest board! And these are snowball surprise cookies! When
you bite into it you get a blue candy!

MAX
You cooked all this on top of the regular Super Bowl food?

MOM
Well of course! This is no ordinary Super Bowl. I had to do something big!

BILL comes running in.

BILL
HAAAAAPPPY SUPER BOWL!

Narwhals Narwhals Narwhals!! Are you psyched?

He fist bumps Max.

MAX
Uhh yeah I guess.

BILL
No no it’s gotta be bigger than that! Like I’ll say are you PSYCHED and you fist bump
me and say YEAH. So. Are you PSYCHED???

MAX
YEAH.

BILL
Nice shirt.

MAX

15
 It was Dads.

BILL
Yeah I think I remember him wearing that shirt.

MOM
No sweetie you don’t remember that.

BILL
I really think I do.

MOM
I just found it when I was cleaning out the closet. I don’t think he’d worn it since you
were two.

BILL
You’re really in for a treat man. You just wait and see. It’s gonna be SO fun.
And like Grandpa can be a real basket case but don’t let him get to you.
He might want to do weird stuff but it’s-
you don’t have to take it seriously.
It’s all part of the thing.

MAX
What’s the thing?

BILL
Oh the thing. The act.
You’ll see.
I’m proud of you man.
You’re really like

He takes a minute to decide on the word.

brave.

MAX
Thanks.

BILL
Anyway I’ll leave you two to do whatever it is you do in here.
See you in the living room Max!

He leaves.

MOM

16
 I already had a talk with the book group. You know the Mother Daughter. I told them
we can’t be called that anymore. Not now that you’re… you know. We’re working on
finding a more inclusive rhyme. Maybe Ladies and Their Babies? Mommy and
Progeny? Oh! Are you going to come to our next meeting? We’re reading Redefining
Realness and Kate Bornstein and Stone Butch Blues!

MAX
All in one month?

MOM
Well we have so much to learn!

BILL (from the other room)
MAX! Where are you?

MOM
You’d better get in there.

MAX
Geez already?

MOM
They get started early in there. Commercials and all that.

MAX
You sure you don’t need any more help in here?

MOM
No no, go on sweetheart.

MAX
It’s a lot to do alone and like the cleanup? Especially with all that extra food you
made?

GRANDPA (from the other room)
MAX YOU BETTER GET YER BUTT OUT HERE!

MOM
Honey go on, it’s your special day.

MAX
I just hate to leave you alone in here.

GUYS
MAX! MAX! MAX! MAX!

17
 MOM
Go ahead. It’s time.


SCENE FOUR
Bright living room light. Sounds of a sportscaster, laughter, beer cans opening, people
cheering. GRANDPA GREEN, UNCLE GRUMBLE, BILL and MAX are all sprawled around the
Green family living room. They all wear Narwhal caps which are sports caps with the horn
of a narwhal sticking out of the center.
MOM enters.

MOM
Aaaaawww! Would you all just look at Maxi!

MAX
Mom, I asked you not to call me that.

MOM
Oh my goodness, so sorry honey. Isn’t he just aDORable? His first Super Bowl
Sunday in the living room with the boys! His first narwhal hat!! Lemme take your
picture. All of you together.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
We’re trying to watch the game.

MOM
Would it kill ya to look at me just for a weenie lil second??

BILL
We can’t look away ‘cept during commercials. Grandpa’s rules.

MOM
But it’s the first few minutes! Nothing’s even happened yet!

UNCLE, BILL and GRANDPA
Yes yes yes!! Go go go! Get it! Get it! GOOOOOOO
NOOOOOOOOOO!

They all simultaneously hit something.

Idiots! Mother fuckers! What was the numbskull thinking?

MOM
Oh boys calm down it’s just getting started.

BILL

18
 Commercial break!

UNCLE GRUMBLE
I wanna watch the commercials!

MOM
Alright everyone get together, everyone EVERYONE, I wanna see all of you- over a
little bit Grumble! Bend down if you can, Bill?

ALRIGHT!

She takes the picture.

Oh you look just adorable.
You boys have a great time.

She exits.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
You still working at that little bike shop, Max?

MAX
I’m actually the lead mechanic there.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Still living in that shoebox apartment upstairs? Got your own place yet?

MAX
Well Tamila and I have been living together for five years in an intentional work-live
arrangement so I don’t really think I’m gonna move out any time soon.

BILL
Have some wings.

UNCLE GRUMBLE and BILL
Wings and beer!

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Is he old enough to drink yet?

MAX
I’m 27.

GRANDPA GREEN
On Super Bowl Sunday all men are old enough to drink.

19
 UNCLE GRUMBLE
Now Max having switched teams you oughta be able to give us secrets, huh?
What’s the RIGHT way to get a girl to go home with ya?

BILL
Uncle Grumble!

GRANDPA GREEN
How do you get a woman to obey you? Magic words? Huh?

MAX
I don’t know if I ever really was a woman?

UNCLE GRUMBLE
You were just a girl.

MAX
Well no I mean I was assigned female at birth but that doesn’t mean I was ever
really /a woman.

BILL
How about this one: you know when you get a girl a gift like chocolates or perfume
or some shit and she acts like she likes it but you know she’s gonna throw it away in
a minute? What am I SUPPOSED to get her? Like what’s the right gift for a girl?

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Game’s back on. Everyone focus on the game.

MAX
What if you have to go to the bathroom?

BILL
You wait.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Pick up the pace you blow-hole!

BILL
Knock those armadillos to the ground!!

GRANDPA GREEN
He’s going in for it.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Shhh.

20
 BILL
Shh.

GRANDPA GREEN
Shh.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Shh!

They all get a little bit closer to the screen.
They are totally still. MAX tries to copy what they do.
Everyone has to be totally quiet staring at the screen.
Then they all erupt cheering. Leopold has just scored.

ALL THE MEN BUT MAX
Leo-Leo-LEOPOLD! Leo-Leo-LEOPOLD! Leo-Leo-LEOPOLD!

They shout and run around the room patting each other on the back.
MAX tries to join in.
Then they disperse.
Everyone opens a new beer.

BILL
Oh, Max, here you go.

Passing him a beer.

MAX
I think I’m good for now.

GRANDPA GREEN
Post touch down EVERYONE MUST HAVE ANOTHER BEER.

MAX
Oh, okay.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Have some bacon cheddar ranch chili fries.

MAX
Oh I don’t know, I’m feeling pretty full.

BILL
You GOTTA try the bacon cheddar ranch chili fries. This is a special Super Bowl
Sunday delicacy. Or how about more wings? Or steak? Or lasagna? Gotta try
everything at least once.

21

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Here he goes here he goes.

BILL
Watch it, man. You better-

GRANDPA
Oh oh OH!

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Is he gonna oh oh SHIT.

BILL
FUCKING NUMBSKULL.

GRANDPA
What the hell. What the mother fucking hell.

They break focus. They all get up, walk around get more beers or drinks.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Bloody Mother Fucking Leopold.

GRANDPA
Ass-shit to beat all ass-shits.

BILL
Honest to god bastard.

They all look at MAX like what’s MAX gonna say about Leopold

MAX
That was… a lot of pressure?
All those lights on ya?
And I mean-

UNCLE GRUMBLE
You gotta come up with an insult.

BILL
Something really colorful.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Like I hope your balls fall off and rot on the dirt of the field!

22
 BILL
I hope your dick shrivels up into your crotch.

GRANDPA
May your asshole close up so your feces live inside of you and come back out your
mouth.

BILL
Oh man Grandpa that was amazing!

GRANDPA
COMMERCIAL BREAK!

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Check out THAT lady.

BILL
Man Grumble you and the shampoo commercials.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Look at that smooth ribbon of hair that’s oh yeah oh yeah.

UNCLE GRUMBLE does push-ups.

MAX
Whoa you’re really good at that Uncle Grumble.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
What do you think I was doing all those years in the military?

MAX
Oh right.

BILL
I can do about fifty.

He starts showing off.

GRANDPA
How many can you do, Max?

MAX
Um I don’t know. None, I think.

BILL
I thought you’d be strong from all that biking.

23

MAX
Strong legs not arms.

GRANDPA
Well let’s see. Let’s see how many you can do.

MAX
I don’t really feel like-

GRANDPA
MAX.

MAX slowly drops to the floor.
He tries to do a pushup.
It’s really hard.
He almost doesn’t succeed.

BILL
Yeah Max!

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Yeah Max!!

BILL
Woohoo!

GRANDPA
Another one.

MAX
I don’t know if I can-

GRANDPA
ANOTHER ONE.

MAX gets down.
He tries everything he can to do another pushup.
He can barely do it.
They clap for him.
He collapses on the ground.

BILL
Attaboy, Max.

UNCLE GRUMBLE

24
 That enough for you, Grandpa Green?

GRANDPA GREEN
Fight.

BILL
Oh man Grandpa, really?

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Tonight?

GRANDPA GREEN
Max and Grumble.

BILL burst out laughing.

BILL
Oh man, this is gonna be hilarious.

MAX
I’m not feeling too good. I had a little too much to drink and then with the wings and
the meatballs and the steak and the bacon cheddar ranch whatever.

GRANDPA GREEN
Fight.

MAX
Isn’t the commercial break over?

UNCLE GRUMBLE
We don’t cross Grandpa Green around here.

BILL
You gotta do it, Max.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Don’t worry, I’ll go easy on him.

GRANDPA GREEN
Go. Hard.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Well okay then. We’ll play it by ear. Max, you ready?

He lunges at MAX and starts fighting him. MAX, clearly doesn’t know how to fight but tries
to defend himself. GRANDPA GREEN and BILL think it’s hilarious.

25

GRANDPA GREEN
Fight. Harder.

UNCLE GRUMBLE starts to really punch MAX and MAX tries to hold his own but can’t until
finally he doubles over and throws up.

The guys cheer. They laugh at him.

BILL AND GRANDPA GREEN
GRUMBLE! GRUMBLE! GRUMBLE!

But suddenly MAX is on his feet again with a gleam in his eye. He’s moving towards
GRUMBLE with everything he’s got. And then he starts to hit. And punch. And he’s no good
but now he’s got drive and they’re really fighting until—GRUMBLE falls to the ground.

Silence.

GRANDPA GREEN
Well well well.

GRANDPA GREEN stands up.
Which is hard for him to do.
It takes a minute.

That’ll do.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
(panting)
Way to go man. You’re one of us now.

BILL
You did it, man. Welcome to the club.

MAX
I uh thanks but like
the vomit.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
What?

MAX
It’s all over my shirt. Dad’s shirt. Shit.

BILL
Take it off.

26

UNCLE GRUMBLE
TAKE IT OFF.

MAX takes off the shirt.

MAX
It’s all over the floor, too. I’ll clean it up.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Nah nah nah, don’t do that.

MAX
It’s disgusting though.

BILL
You should rest. Take a break.

MAX
But who’s gonna /clean it up?

GRANDPA GREEN
YOUR MOTHER.
will clean it up.

They settle back on the couch.

ALL MEN BUT MAX
LEO-LEO-LEOPOLD! LEO-LEO-LEOPOLD

MAX joins in for the third one

ALL MEN
LEO-LEO-LEOPOLD!!
Get it get it get it! Yes yes yes! GO GO GO!!!

They break out in cheers.
MOM comes out and begins to clean up the vomit.
For a moment MAX looks at her and they seem to make eye contact.
Then he returns to the game.



SCENE FIVE
Wonder Wheels Bike shop.
MAX and JOEY.

27

JOEY
Here’s the thing.

MAX
Yeah.

JOEY
About trans guys who start dating guys.

MAX
Yeah give it to me.

JOEY
I mean a lot of us did participate in lesbian
you know.

MAX
I know.

JOEY
And guy on guy is well…

MAX
Oh OH.

JOEY
Yeah.

MAX
What?

JOEY
The opposite.

MAX
In what way?

JOEY
Literally of course.
But I mean think about it like this:
no one in the relationship has been socialized to care for anyone else.
So there’s none of that
laying on the compliments
that girls do.

28
 I mean you’re lucky if a guy says one nice thing to you during a date!
There’s TONS of interrupting, talking over, showing off.
Not a lot of asking how you’re doing.
They’re never going to take on the work of keeping the conversation going,
making you feel comfortable,
They almost never notice if they talk over you
or take the last piece of cake or whatever.
Oh OH did I mention the consent thing?
Cuz THAT’s different between guys.

MAX
What do you mean?

JOEY
Think about it. They’ve been entitled to every fucking thing on earth their whole
lives long. They aren’t taught to listen and they don’t know how to ask questions.
So what do you think happens to consent?

TAMILA enters.

TAMILA
You guys when there’s no one in the store can you work on stocking helmets?

MAX
I stocked them all yesterday.

TAMILA
What about that box in the corner?

MAX
Oh. Right.

JOEY
You got it boss.

TAMILA
Don’t call me boss.

JOEY
But you are my boss. You’re both my boss.

TAMILA and MAX
Whatever.

She leaves. They do not stock helmets.

29
 JOEY
Anyway, it’s awesome. You’ll see.
When you’re with a MAN who knows he’s a MAN
and he sees YOU as a MAN
and you’re just MEN.
Together.
It’s. Awesome.

MAX
Oh man.

JOEY
What apps are you on? I’d recommend buff scruff sindr bindr. It’s different kinds of
guys on each one, I mean what kind of a guy are you looking for?

MAX
I don’t know yet.

JOEY
Like what are you hot for? Jocks? Artists? Daddies? Bears?

MAX
I really don’t know yet.

TAMILA (offstage)
Hey can one of you come help me move this display!

JOEY
Be right there.

He exits.
ED enters the store.

MAX
Welcome to Wonder Wheels, how can I help you?

ED
I’m having a little issue with my bike and I just can’t get to the bottom of it.

MAX
What’s been going on?

ED
Well she just shifts gears randomly. I’ll just be going up a hill and suddenly she’ll just
shift underneath me- my hands aren’t even on the levers!

30
 MAX
Aha the phantom shift!

ED
You’ve heard of this before?

MAX
Of course. It’s often caused by frame flex under high tension. If it happens going up
hills that might be what’s going on. Could also be a poorly adjusted rear derailer.
BUT-

MAX checks out the bike.

You know what? I think it’s your worn-out cassette. You’ve got a newer chain but a
pretty old cog. So it’s popping off. Yup. I’d put my money on that. I can replace it for
you today if you’d like?

ED
I actually prefer to make replacements myself.

MAX
That’s what I like to hear! A DIY biker like myself.
Nothing more satisfying than finding the right part and locking into place, huh?

ED
Indeed. Speaking of which could you tell me a bit more about your educational
programming? I hear it’s pretty unique.

MAX
Oh sure, we have a wide array of workshops. Most popular is the flat tire feast led by
yours truly. A buffet of tools and strategies to help you out of the gnarliest tire
debacles!

ED
You’re quite the charismatic teacher. With an impressive level of technical
knowledge. One question, though.

MAX
Yeah.

ED
Hope this isn’t too personal. How’d a nice young man like yourself end up working
in a women’s bike shop?

MAX
Oh. I uh

31
 I just
belong here.
I guess.
Got my start here.
I don’t know.

ED
Here’s my card, just for kicks. You look me up sometime. I’m working on a startup
related to biking and bike education. Reach out when you like. We’ll go for a drink.
Talk bikes.

MAX
Sounds great! Have a nice day.

ED leaves.
TAMILA and JOEY stumble in carrying a heavy display.

TAMILA
Max, help us out, would ya?

MAX rushes over.
TAMILA
Let’s put it over on the right, two steps more.
Okay there we go.

JOEY
Who was the guy who was just here?

MAX
I don’t know. He didn’t say his name.
But he uh
he called me young man.

JOEY
Young man?

MAX
Like I passed to him.

JOEY
You mean as a guy?

MAX
As a real guy.

TAMILA

32
 Trans guys are real guys.

MAX
I know, I know. What I mean is, he asked me why I worked here.

JOEY
Cuz he didn’t see you as trans.

MAX
That’s like the first time that’s happened. Ever. I think.

JOEY
Ever in your life?

MAX
Ever here. Like it’s the first time someone’s come in here and not assumed I was
trans.

JOEY
Congrats, man.

TAMILA
Who was this guy again?

MAX
He didn’t say his name.

JOEY
But he left his card.

JOEY picks up the card.

Ed Markus. Executive Director.
OMG. SLICK RIDES.

MAX
Wait WHAT?

TAMILA
Ahhem.

JOEY
They who shall not be named.

TAMILA
Thank you.

33

MAX
He didn’t say that. He didn’t say that he was with them.

TAMILA
What would he be doing in here?

JOEY
Scoping out the competition?

TAMILA
Trying to steal our customers and strategies.
Push us out of the business. Make biking a corporate franchise.

JOEY
What was he like?

MAX
He was… I don’t know. Fine. Weird.
He told me to call him up.
Get a drink.

JOEY
No way.

TAMILA
Of course he walks in here and asks the ONE white guy who works here to go for a
drink. I’ve been trying to establish a diplomatic relationship with them for months.
Never heard back.

MAX
You should have told me! I would have said something different.

TAMILA
Well now you HAVE to go.

MAX
Wait what?

TAMILA
Gather intel for us! See what they’re up to!
Try to sabotage them from the inside.
We gotta sink them while we can.

She exits.

34
 JOEY
Anyway, man
back to dating.

MAX
Yeah man.

JOEY
It’s gonna be awesome.
Don’t go out with any guys that seem weird.
Come back and tell me how it goes.


SCENE SIX
MAX and WILSON on a date.
WILSON is an older gay man.
They are in WILSON’s living room.
Nice vases, framed paintings, candles.
It’s night.

WILSON
Our wives don’t know.

MAX
Okay.

WILSON
Our wives don’t know.
It’s 1952.
Water? I have still and sparkling.

MAX
I’m okay, thanks.

WILSON
What do you know about 1952?
Think men in suits.
Briefcase, cigar and newspapers.
Think Leave it to Beaver, Ozzie and Harriet, tollhouse cookies, pigs in a blanket.
Honey, I’m home!

MAX
Also like segregation.

WILSON
Well yes. Do you want to keep going?

35

MAX
Depends what comes next.

WILSON
I was thinking we meet in the bathroom of Grand Central Station.

MAX
Okay.

WILSON
We both go there to cruise on our way home from work. We sometimes get home
from work very late because we’re cruising after but we tell our wives we were
working overtime. Big deadline, special projects. That’s what I say. I don’t know
about you. It might be your first time.

MAX
In this fantasy?

WILSON
Your character’s first time hooking up with another man in the bathroom of Grand
Central Station.

MAX
Oh. It is.

WILSON
Me, I’m an old pro.

MAX
Right.

WILSON
I’ve been hooking up in bathrooms in Grand Central Station since there was a Grand
Central Station.

We smell like cigars and liquor.
I’ve got a newspaper under my arm. You’re carrying a briefcase.

MAX
Are we our same ages?

WILSON
Sure.
Which means I’m 60.
You don’t have to tell me how old you are.

36
 So. I come up behind you at the sinks. You’re washing your hands.

You’re taking a long time. Really getting into it.
Rubbing, lathering them up, slow circular movements. You know you’re being
watched.
So I say, what’s a handsome fellow like yourself doing washing your hands on a
night like this?

What’s a handsome fellow like yourself doing washing your hands on a night like
this?

MAX
Well I just used the facilities, so…

WILSON
Are you in a hurry to get anywhere?

MAX
Not exactly.

WILSON
That’s excellent. I’m not either.

MAX starts to look at WILSON

Don’t look at me.

MAX
Sorry.

WILSON
No eye contact. That’s one of the rules of Grand Central Station.

MAX
Right sorry. First time.

WILSON
So. I push you up against the wall.

MAX
Great.

WILSON
I feel your body pulsing against my thigh.
We’re both starting to sweat
we can feel each other’s heat through our suits.

37
 I put my head against your neck
I can just barely start to smell you
and boy do you smell good.

MAX
S-so do you.

WILSON
You wanna know what I’d do next?

MAX
I think so.

WILSON
Your body quivering against mine.
My cigar breath on your neck.
Whispering into your ear.
Things like:
you’re mine.
All mine.

How do you like that?

MAX
I like it quite a lot.

WILSON
I’m glad to hear it.

WILSON gets a drink of water or something. It’s awkward.

MAX
Then what?

WILSON
Oh. Well. What do you want next?

Shyguy. I dare you.

MAX
I… wanna look in your eyes.
But I know that’s not allowed here.

WILSON
For that I’d have to take you home.

38
 MAX
Home to where?

WILSON
The little loft I secretly rent for exploits like these and don’t tell my wife about.
It’s down the street from here.
A real bachelor pad.
Lamps, cushions, magazines.

MAX
What do we do there?

WILSON
Oh, I fuck you on the ground there, on a big round mat.
I only look at you once. At the very end.

MAX
Then what?

WILSON
We have post-coital cigarettes.

MAX
Can we look at each other while we do that?

WILSON
Not really.

MAX
Can we talk?

WILSON
We’re not exactly that sort of guy.

MAX
What can we do?

WILSON
Lie quietly facing opposite directions.
If you’re quiet you might let a tear slide down your face but that’s it.

MAX
We hide our feelings?

WILSON
We don’t know our feelings.

39
 Our suits work like armor.
That’s the tragedy of us.

Do you smoke pot?

MAX
Sure.


Who’s the mustache guy?

WILSON
What are you talking about?

MAX
On your fridge. And your wall.

WILSON
Dead Rick. He was great at 1950’s roleplay.
We lived in this apartment together for thirty years.
I have to say Dead Rick because soon after he died I dated a live Rick and I needed a
way to keep them straight.

MAX
I’m… sorry for your loss.

WILSON
I hate it when people say that.

MAX
Oh I’m sorry. I mean not sorry.

WILSON
One time we staged a whole scene in Grand Central Station.
The actual Grand Central Station.
1950’s suits, everything.
Some other guy we didn’t know ended up cruising Rick and we brought him home
with us for a raucous time. I haven’t done Grand Central since then.
Now that I think about it.

You carry your dead inside you like kindling.
You wait for the right match to light.
The older you get the greater the fire.

SCENE SEVEN
TAMILA with CURATOR, an artsy guy with glasses.

40

CURATOR
Remarkable. A true interrogation of identity. What did you call it again?

TAMILA
It’s titled Liminality. Which means between things.

CURATOR
No, no the uh-

He holds up the zine.

TAMILA
Oh zine. It’s kind of like a homemade book or magazine.

CURATOR
And tell me about your inspiration again?

TAMILA
Well it’s a series of portraits of queer and trans people around me.
I made it three years ago. I wanted to capture how we live between things, between
worlds, between genders. And my proposal for my show/ is to

CURATOR
That’s what I’m talking about. It’s just crackling with authenticity.
I see it and I KNOW you’ve lived it.

TAMILA
Well not really though. Because it’s portraits of other people.

CURATOR
We care a lot about showcasing different communities here, I get such a thrill when
it’s a world I know nothing about. And then the art teaches me! And that is such a
beautiful, satisfying experience. I love when art allows me to feel the weight of my
privilege-- gives me access to my own guilt and shame—lets me really feel it.
That’s how I know I’m growing.

TAMILA
I made these portraits for queer and trans people to see themselves.
Not for anyone else to grow.

CURATOR
Exactly! That is exactly what I am talking about!

TAMILA
Yeah so anyway I want to update these portraits, this time using paint.

41

CURATOR
Oh no no no no no, don’t do that.

TAMILA
Don’t do what?

CURATOR
(taps the zine)

THIS is it.
THIS is your show.

TAMILA
Um. Don’t you think the drawings are a little small?

CURATOR
That’s part of the charm! I love the DIY aesthetic. A lot of people try on that style and
it feels fake. But you’ve really mastered it. The raw pencil, the stapled booklet.

TAMILA
Yeah so that was before I learned to paint /and I

CURATOR
I can tell! This is pure. Fresh. You before any art school polish. You know what
Picasso said- it took me a lifetime to paint like a child again!

TAMILA
Picasso was a misogynist.

CURATOR
Sure but you have to admit he had some pretty great things to say!
Listen this work really fits the bill. The image of you that we’re developing.

TAMILA
What image is that?

CURATOR
You know, outsider voice. Edgy, urgent, raw. We can’t risk veering into territory that
feels studied or-- god-forbid academic! It needs to read as effortless! Like you rolled
out of bed this morning and threw down these sketches! Fresh, loose,
nontraditional.

TAMILA
Okay sure but I want people to take my work seriously and like I did get an MFA-

42
 CURATOR
When you brought in those flower paintings I thought we were done. I thought these
paintings may be technically perfect but I have no idea who this artist IS! Art school
beat your voice out of you with technique and discipline. But after seeing this Zine

(he pronounces it zyne)

I realize that you have it deep down.

TAMILA
Okay If I were gonna show this I’d at least need to update some of the portraits. Like
this one- this person came out as trans since I painted their portrait /and

CURATOR
Maxine?

TAMILA
Well Max now. I’d like to do a new portrait of him and some of the others. My
proposal actually is to develop this work into a series of full-size portraits using
paint /since that is-

CURATOR
No paint no paint. I’d like to show these works as they are. Drawings.

TAMILA
I need to update at least the Max one.

CURATOR
Look the Maxine one /sure-

TAMILA
Max.

CURATOR
But the other ones are perfect as they are.
I’d hate to see you mess them up.


SCENE EIGHT
MAX is at the bar with ED of Slick Rides.

ED
You ever ride a Macho King LTD?

MAX
Oh man, rode one in a race once it /was

43

ED
Only thing smoother is a-

MAX
Nature Boy 863!

ED
We’ll have to get you on a Space Horse Disc.
Just for a joy ride around town.

MAX
Seriously?

ED
Got loads of those beauties in the storeroom.
Employees get half off.

MAX
NO SHIT.

ED
Nothing sweeter than whizzing down the path on one of those girls. Wind at your
back, hair flying free.

MAX
You don’t wear a helmet?

ED
Not on a nature trail geez.
Only you and the bike around, carving a groove through the dirt together.
Love a smooth sunset ride.
You get sweaty and shivery at the same time.
Feel that sweet seat between your thighs.
When you get enough speed it starts to buzz and tingle.
Throbbing down the trail together.
Nothing like hitting a major peak and
sliding all the way back down.

He contemplates this.

Finish it off with a nice cool beer.
It’s so sweet the first time you take one out.
Get to know her shape and size, her speed, how much you can push her.

What’s the sweetest ride you ever been on?

44

MAX
Oh I don’t know, I’m more of a commuter.

ED
Bullshit.
You don’t get this far without having a spiritual experience on a bike.

MAX
Oh okay.
Well uh
this one time I was biking home from work
and the sun was setting?
So I stopped on this hill to look at it?

ED is like Uhh what?
MAX is like I better make this good.

And THEN I got on that bike and I dominated her over hill and valley! Took her on a
speedy, muddy joy ride around the town, pushing her for all she was worth, making
her give me everything she had. And then I took her home and had a hot shower and
a nice, cold beer.

ED
That’s what we’re talking about, Man.

MAX
I whipped out my nice stiff tools and went to work on her.
Cleaning her, shaping her up.
Making her mine. All mine.

ED
That’s right.
That’s what I’m talking about.
So. A proposition for you.
What do you think about presenting at our spring expo?

MAX
Oh wow. I mean-

ED
This is a one-of-a-kind event. Think World’s Fair for Bikes!
Thousands of bikers from around the country, vendors up the wazoo! National
experts teaching workshops, swapping techniques, bike themed music, food, drinks-
bike-shaped popsicles!

45
 MAX
So it’s like a bike education expo?

ED
Bigger. On steroids.

MAX
And you want me to…present?

ED
You’d be one of the national experts. You’d present on your workshop.
Flat Tires. Train the trainers.

MAX
Oh wow.

ED
We’ll do a little prep. You’ll probably want to change it a bit.
This is a pretty different population.

MAX
In what way?

ED
Well these are the experts. The trainers. And you were teaching… what was it?
Women intimidated by bikes?

MAX
Um well…

ED
How did that go?

MAX
Oh I mean-

ED
Musta been hard to teach?

MAX
No it was… they just uh…they took forever to learn how to patch a flat tire? I was
never annoyed, you know, I figured out how to stay calm and patient but on the
inside I was like, pay attention ladies!

ED

46
 Uh huh, I figured. It’ll be different at the expo. This clientele is something else. They
get it and they get it quick. They bring a lot of knowledge already.
And I think they’ll get a kick out of you. You’re bringing something we haven’t seen
here before. The humor, the energy, the confidence, your teenage spirit.

MAX
I’m 27.

ED
But you look like a teenager. You’ll be bringing the fresh blood, the younger
populations. And we need them. We want every biker in America to be using Slick
Rides! Logging on for buying, selling, ordering mechanic visits, taking classes,
showing up for their local beers and bikes series. We’re going for a one-stop all-
encompassing bike bonanza!

MAX
Gotcha.

ED
And you can help us do that. So let’s give this a try. Depending on how it goes we can
talk about a permanent position. I’m thinking part-time mechanic part-time
education associate?

MAX
Oh wow. I mean I don’t /know.

ED
Show us your stuff at the expo. Impress us. And then we’ll talk.


SCENE NINE
WONDER WHEELS. MAX and TAMILA.

TAMILA
“Tamila Cooper’s work is a fresh take on trans narratives”
“Cooper uncovers fresh trans narratives in her work?”
Fresh Cooper fresh narrative fresh work??

MAX
Why do you need to be fresh?

TAMILA
That’s just how you sell yourself. That’s marketing blurb talk. The curator used that
word like ten times. You want to be doing something a little bit new.

MAX

47
 Fresh is so weak. Why not, “the definitive take on trans stories.”

TAMILA
Cuz that’s weird. And self-absorbed.

MAX
If you don’t take yourself seriously no one else will.

TAMILA
I take myself seriously.
I just don’t need to go bragging about it in my marketing blurb.

MAX
Isn’t that what a marketing blurb is? It’s bragging to get people to come see the
thing?

TAMILA
I’ve read a lot of blurbs and this is the style that they’re all written in.
I need to play the game right.

MAX
Just seems like maybe you should assert some authority to show them you actually
know what you’re doing. That’s the way to get people’s attention.

TAMILA
That’s one way.

JOEY enters.

JOEY
WHOA check out this flyer! Shit is bonkers.
They-who-must-not be-named. Spring Expo.
Most corporate advertising bullshit I’ve ever seen.
I mean look at that image- who bikes like that?

TAMILA
I still don’t understand why they have to have it here. They’re a national
corporation. They could have it anywhere.

JOEY
C’mon we’re the biking capital of the Pacific Northwest! Our bike culture’s popping!

TAMILA
Yeah so why don’t they go somewhere where it’s NOT and spread the knowledge.
We’ve got it covered here, okay?

48
 MAX
I think I’m gonna get out of it. Say I’m busy or something.

JOEY
You have to do it! Scope them out. See what the expo’s like, who else is presenting,
what they’re saying, all that stuff.

MAX
I’m not even prepared for it. I’d have to change my whole workshop.

JOEY
How come?

MAX
Cuz they like
talk different.
About bikes. They like
interact with bikes differently.

TAMILA
I gotta work on some stuff for my show.
Can you guys man the store?

JOEY
On it!

MAX
So on it.

She exits.
CUSTOMER enters.

MAX
Welcome to Wonder Wheels.

CUSTOMER
I wanna buy a bike.

MAX
You came to the right place!

CUSTOMER
My old one was shitty. I want something nice.

MAX

49
 Okay well depending on your price-range I’d point you over here. These bikes are
the nicest we’ve got around. Real nice stops and starts. Smooth ride, and look at that
sleek seat, right? Ain’t she a beauty? What are you thinking about in terms of
speeds?

CUSTOMER
I dunno.

MAX
Like 3 speed or an 8 speed?

CUSTOMER
I mean I really don’t know.

MAX
What are your feelings on derailers?

CUSTOMER
What’s a derailer?

MAX
Little puppy right here!

Woman laughs.

Funny, right? Puppy? Anyway, it’s technically called a Derailleur. From the French,
derived from the word for train derailing from the tracks. But we just say derailer.

CUSTOMER
Cool.

MAX
Essentially it’s a variable-ratio transmission system. Consists of a chain like this one
and then multiple sprockets of different sizes, and a mechanism to move the chain
from one sprocket to another. A lot of times you’ll hear people say gears but
these are technically sprockets since they drive or are driven by a chain, not by one
another.

CUSTOMER
Uh huh.

MAX
Real question is whether you want the system attached to a handlebar stem or the
handlebar itself as in this model. Have you ever had a bike like this one before?

CUSTOMER

50
 Can’t remember. /I think my last bike was-

MAX
This one IS gonna be a little bit heavier so if you’re going to be doing a lot of carrying
it onto trains and such you might want to go for a lighter model.

CUSTOMER
I don’t really put it on trains. /It’s more for fun than commuting.

MAX
Well this fine lady is the top-rated hybrid for 2016. She’s light, she’s smooth, she’s
got a gorgeous body and she’ll do pretty much whatever you tell her. So what are
you thinking?

CUSTOMER
I dunno. I’m gonna go think about it.

MAX
You wanna try it out, take it out for a ride?

CUSTOMER
I said I’m gonna go think about it.

MAX
Sure! Come back and let us know what you decide.

She leaves.
JOEY
Some ass, huh?

MAX
What?

JOEY
Girl. Just here. You don’t gotta be shy man, I saw you eyeing her ass.

MAX
I was just noticing she had sturdy quads which means she’s an actual regular biker
with good technique.

JOEY
She was not a regular biker. She had no idea what you were talking about.

MAX
Ok yeah.
I mean she

51
 did have a uh nice…

JOEY
You can just say it, man.

MAX
Ass?

JOEY
Sight to behold, man.
Work of art.
Tamila’s really getting built herself.
I see her lifting boxes and stuff and she’s got those biceps now?

MAX
She does wear a tank top well.

JOEY
Especially those low-cut ones. You know that stripe-y one she wears? Spaghetti
strap?

MAX
I think so.

JOEY
You know what I’m talking about.
She leans over you get an eye-full of apples.
And then there’s Maya.
Talk about quads.
Talk about biceps.
Talk about apples.

MAX
And her hair.

JOEY
It would be wrong not to worship beauty like that, am I right?

MAX
It’s definitely hard to ignore.

JOEY
And when she wears those shorts.

MAX
Black spendex ones? They kinda hug her thighs?

52

JOEY
I’d like a night alone with her is all I’m saying.

I’m so stoked about you man.
It’s so great having another guy here to chill with.


SCENE TEN
Green Family Living Room.
Sounds of cheering, sportscaster, laughter.
GRANDPA GREEN, UNCLE GRUMBLE and MAX.
They watch the game.

GRANDPA GREEN
C’mon you raw hunka meat!

MAX
Move your ass you dipshit!

UNCLE GRUMBLE
What’s the problem? Legs made out of string cheese?

GRANDPA GREEN
Basketball is too goddamn friendly.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Wish they’d knock each other to the ground.

GRANDPA GREEN
There we go, there we go!!

BILL wanders into the room holding a plate of food.

ALL THE MEN
Get it get it get it! GOOOOOOO!

NOOOOOOO!

They all simultaneously hit something.

GRANDPA GREEN
Fat lazy fuckwad!

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Bastard pussy shitbag!

53

BILL
You got an asswipe for a face!

MAX
You got fucking turds for feet and cuntflaps for legs!

They cheer.
MOM calls from the kitchen.

MOM
Max are you gonna come say hi to me?

MAX
Oh. Sure.

MAX goes to the kitchen.

MOM
Who’s ahead?

MAX
Kangaroos leading the Weasels by 2, every minute counts!

MOM
Book Group was so sad you couldn’t join us for our Trans Session! But I told them
it’s not your job to educate us! Sarah said she’s going to be reading a book about
trans issues with her students- isn’t that just wonderful? We’re all knitting rainbow
onesies for Kayla’s baby, honey if you want a rainbow knitted anything you just let
me know- Hat? Scarf? Sweater?

MAX
I think I’m good.

MOM
I’m sure you’ll appreciate all the learning we’ve been doing at our next session. I
think we’re going to have it on 10th does that work for you?

MAX
Um, I might be busy that day.

MOM
And I wanted to tell you that I finally took your father’s shirt to the dry cleaners
sorry it took me so long-

The men break out in cheers

54

MAX
Hold on I gotta see what happened-

BILL
MAX THE GAME’S BACK ON!

MAX
Gotta go.

MAX rushes back to the living room.
MOM calls after him.

MOM
Wait- Max?
Let me know about book group, please!

BILL, GRUMBLE AND GREEN
WOOHOOO GET IT!! THAT’S OUR WEASELS!
WEASELS! WEASELS! WEASLES!


SCENE ELEVEN
Bike Shop. MAX and JOEY.

JOEY
Oh man.

MAX
Oh man.

JOEY
Can’t believe you got to ride a Space Horse Disc.

MAX
It was magical, the glide on that motherfucker. You can’t even imagine.

TAMILA enters.
JOEY
Oh I can, I can

TAMILA
/Hey Max.

MAX
It was like the sweetest thing I’ve ever felt.

55

TAMILA
MAX.

MAX
What? Oh yeah. Hey.

TAMILA
We still good to do inventory tomorrow night?

MAX
What?

TAMILA
Inventory.
The annual thing we do together.
For our business.

MAX
Sure. Oh wait.
I can’t. I have-

TAMILA
Expo practice?

MAX
Yeah I really gotta be there this time.
But I’ll do inventory during the workday!
I’ll get so much done, you’ll see.

TAMILA
Also could you clean the bathroom?
That’s your April chore.

MAX
Pretty sure that’s your April chore.

TAMILA
Nope. Here’s the chart. There’s your name. See?

MAX
Oh yeah totally I’ll do it tomorrow.

TAMILA
Tomorrow will be May.

56
 MAX
Okay okay going now!

He exits.

JOEY
Glad that bathroom’s gonna be clean. Sure been a while.

SOFIA enters with a bike.
TAMILA approaches.

TAMILA
Welcome to Wonder Wheels.
Looks like you got a flat.

SOFIA
Yeah I just-

TAMILA
Hold on our flat tire expert just left, MAX-

SOFIA
Actually wait. I kind of wanted to get your help? Not his?

TAMILA stops.

Cuz he helped me with a flat tire the other day and it was kinda um…
it was just a little bit patronizing? Really know-it-all?
And now that I have another one so soon I just don’t want-

TAMILA
Okay yeah wow.

SOFIA
And you’re like a real mechanic right?

TAMILA
I am totally a mechanic. And I’m so sorry that happened to you.

SOFIA
Oh not your fault at all.

TAMILA
I mean it is my business. I co-run this place.
Let me get that fixed up for you. Free of charge.

57
 SOFIA
I tried to patch the tube but I must have done it wrong cuz it just went flat again like
two seconds later.

TAMILA
It can be really hard sometimes.

SOFIA
Yeah I was up at the top of Widow’s Peak /and-

TAMILA
That’s my FAVORITE ride!

SOFIA
No way! Well you know how it’s like mad rocky up there? All the broken glass /and
stuff.

TAMILA
Sure do.

SOFIA
Yeah so. Second flat I’ve gotten on that ride.
Totally worth it though.

TAMILA
Oh absolutely.

SOFIA
Hey, one question.

TAMILA
Yeah.

SOFIA
If you’re like a real mechanic why are you always in the back?

TAMILA
Um-

SOFIA
Like why’d you call for Max instead of checking out my flat yourself?

JOEY looks up and then looks down, pretends not to be listening.

TAMILA

58
 Oh it’s just how we break down the responsibilities. I balance the budgets. He does
the flat tires. It all evens out. Mostly.

SOFIA
Okay. Cool.
Well, anyway. Here’s my number.
You can call me when it’s done.

She passes TAMILA a piece of paper- a little flirty.

TAMILA
Oh. Okay. Um. Cool.

SOFIA
Seeya.

TAMILA
Yup.

SOFIA exits.
TAMILA carries the bike offstage.
MAX enters and approaches JOEY.


MAX
I need a break, man.
That bathroom is something else.
I had my knees down on those tiles?
I think I got like ten bruises.

JOEY
Hey man.
Don’t tell Tamila but uh
I actually sent in a proposal to lead a workshop at the expo?
My overall bike maintenance one.
Still waiting to hear back.
I don’t know if it’s like past the time when I would’ve heard or…

MAX
I don’t know man.

JOEY
It’s just kinda funny cuz like
they’re ALL ABOUT your workshop.
And I’ve been teaching a lot longer than you have.
And our workshops have the same structure

59

MAX
I think they’re pretty different.

JOEY
All our workshops have the same structure that’s like the point of the education
program.

MAX
Yeah I don’t know man, I don’t handle the proposals.

JOEY
Well maybe you could put in a good word for me?

MAX
I don’t know I’m still new.
I need to play it cool for now.
Maybe when I’ve been there a little longer.


SCENE TWELVE
MAX at the Slick Rides Expo.

MAX
The tube is beta. You are alpha.
You will dominate the tube.
Repeat after me:

I will dominate this tube!

The audience laughs very hard.

Remember, whatever you do, whatever feisty difficulty this tube might give you, you
are alpha! The tire is beta. You dominate it until the end.

Split Scene.
TAMILA’s art show.
CURATOR approaches TAMILA.

CURATOR
This is phenomenal. Minds blown left and right. We’re re-encountering the trans
experience anew. Are you pleased?

TAMILA
Um yes. I am.

60
 CURATOR
The one portrait you updated is just incredible. The mix of your painting skills with
your zine style- that raw space between genders. This magical character- Max! I love
it!

WORKSHOP.

MAX
I’ll be demonstrating today on this handsome fellow right here, otherwise known as
a Space Horse Disc. This is the most versatile bike you’re gonna find out there.
Nothing this bad boy can’t do. Dirt trails, urban streets, long rides, quick commutes,
this guy’s gonna stick with you through thick or thin.

SOFIA approaches TAMILA.

SOFIA
Hey. This is so cool.

TAMILA
Oh thanks! Thanks for coming!

SOFIA
The portrait you did of Max is really like, wow.
I was moved.

TAMILA
Oh geez thanks. I really want to know what Max thinks, have you seen him?

SOFIA
Uh no, haven’t seen him all night.

Flat tire workshop.

MAX
Before I go any further just let me clarify that today I’m gonna be teaching you the
Max Way to do this. Now there are a number of ways to patch a flat tire but the Max
Way is steadfast! I have been teaching this technique for years now and my students
come back and they tell me it works every time. They tell me, I got hit with a gnarly
one out there on the rugged streets! But the Max Way came through and they were
back out on the trail in no time.

Now first thing to go over is your kit. What do you need with you to patch a flat tire?

TAMILA and JOEY. JOEY’s on his phone.

TAMILA

61
 Joey?

JOEY
Huh?

TAMILA
Have you seen Max?

MAX
You’ll want a spare tube obviously,

JOEY
Holy shit there’s the hottest guy on grinder AT YOUR SHOW.

MAX
Levers for removing the tire,

JOEY
Look at that MUSCLE just pure pure-

TAMILA
Have you seen Max at all? Like all night long?

MAX
Hand pump or C02 inflator,

JOEY
He’s ten feet away. But which direction?

MAX
A multi-tool handle,

TAMILA
Just tell me when you see him.

MAX
And a flashlight.

JOEY
Tell me when I see who?

TAMILA
Oh my god. Max.

JOEY
I don’t know about Max but have you seen THIS guy?

62

TAMILA stomps off annoyed.

MAX
And lastly, a very important tool, can’t patch a tire without it, and that’s a snack.

Audience laughs at Max’s joke.


SCENE THIRTEEN
MAX and TAMILA’s apartment.
TAMILA and SOFIA, night.

SOFIA
Don’t wait up for him.

TAMILA
I have to wait up for him.

SOFIA
Yeah but. After tonight I don’t know…

MAX comes in, tosses his shoes off. They stare at him.

MAX
Oh! Hey!

(to SOFIA)
I’m Max.

SOFIA
We’ve met.

MAX
We have?

SOFIA
At Wonder Wheels. I’m sure you don’t remember.

MAX
I uh…

He glances over at TAMILA.

Is everything okay?

63
 TAMILA
I don’t know. Is everything okay with you?

MAX
Oh yeah sure, I just finished the Slick Rides Expo. Pretty bonkers.

TAMILA
So that’s where you were.

SOFIA
I think I’m gonna go.
Call me later. If you want.

She leaves.
TAMILA stares at MAX.

MAX
Are you two like dating?

TAMILA
What happened, Max?

MAX
What?

TAMILA
You missed my show. Coffeehouse 9.

MAX
Wait, I did?

TAMILA
It was tonight.

MAX
Wait TONIGHT?
How was I supposed to know it was tonight?

TAMILA
I don’t know. There’s a flyer on the fridge and one on the wall. I’ve been talking
about it for months.

MAX
I…. had the expo tonight. All weekend actually.

TAMILA

64
 I got there pretty late because I was looking for you everywhere. You weren’t
answering your phone.

MAX
Well I had to have it off for the expo.

TAMILA
You know how much this meant to me.

MAX
I thought you wanted me to go to the expo.
I thought you wanted me to get some “intel” on Slick Rides.

TAMILA
Yeah but not like this. Not like you forget the rest of your life.

MAX
I couldn’t halfway go to the expo, okay? It was all or nothing.

TAMILA
Is there some reason you can’t say you’re sorry?

MAX
Well I’m not exactly sure what’s my fault here.

TAMILA
That you missed my show!

MAX
I’ll go see it another time!

TAMILA
It was only up for one night.

MAX
Why only one night? Usually they have shows up for a week at a time.

TAMILA
Every poster said “One Night Only” how could you have missed that??

MAX
Well I didn’t really have a choice, okay?

TAMILA
Yeah right. You’re just a Slick Rides robot now?
You just do whatever they say?

65

MAX
They’re our colleagues! Stop being so unprofessional.

TAMILA
Oh I’m the one being unprofessional?

MAX
Well when you talk about them like that you are!

TAMILA
And what about the way you behave on the job?
That’s not unprofessional?

MAX
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

TAMILA
You know what Sofia said to me?

MAX
Who?

TAMILA
Sofia. Who was just here. Who you mansplained flat tires to.

MAX
I didn’t mansplain to her.

TAMILA
That’s what she said.

MAX
I’m sure it was a lot more complicated than that. Why would you get her story and
not mine?

TAMILA
As the only woman mechanic I feel a need to balance out my male colleagues.

MAX
Please don’t call me male.
It doesn’t feel good when you call me male.

TAMILA
You were taking up male space then.

66
 MAX
You weren’t there! That’s not what I am, I’m different. You know I’m different.

TAMILA
Okay you were taking up man-space? Masculine-space? Guy-space? Is that better?

MAX
This doesn’t feel good.
I don’t like the way you’re talking to me.

TAMILA
Sofia said that she didn’t expect to be treated like that at a bike shop for women and
nonbinary people.

MAX
Oh come on! I like JUST transitioned. Don’t I get to enjoy being a man for like one
second before I get blamed for the whole patriarchy?

TAMILA
Seems like you’re enjoying it plenty.

MAX
You’re uncomfortable with my transition.
You always have been. That’s what this is about.

TAMILA
No, Max I don’t like how you treated Sofia. Or the woman before her.
Or the woman before her.

MAX
You know when I was a woman everyone was like speak confidently! Don’t be afraid
to speak up! And now that I’m a man I don’t get to do that?

TAMILA
You don’t get to cut people off and talk over them. You don’t get to slack off on
inventory and forget my art-show! You don’t get to sell out to Slick Rides and talk
about hot pieces of ass at/ work-

MAX
You know, I’m actually starting to think I’ve moved on from this place.
Frankly, my skills and talents have outgrown Wonder Wheels.

TAMILA
What are you talking /about?

MAX

67
 I think I could be a better asset to a bigger company. With a larger variety of bikes.

TAMILA
Bigger asset? What kind of bullshit formal language are pulling on me?

MAX
Look, it’s no accident I’m being courted by Slick Rides. This place is a joke. No one
even has any money to spend so you don’t even carry worthwhile bikes, everything
in here is shitty.

TAMILA
Oh I see so this is all about Slick Rides, huh?

MAX
You can’t handle me working with the competition. Well maybe if you’d change your
attitude you’d see that they actually have a lot to teach us!

TAMILA
Oh my god you actually think we can learn from the corporate enemy?

MAX
I’ve found a better fit for me. I’ve moved on, okay? I know where I belong now.
And it’s just not here.

TAMILA
We founded this place together! We were gonna grow it together.

MAX
Well you just might have to grow it alone.

TAMILA
Max. Wait.
Are you serious?

MAX
I don’t sound serious?

TAMILA
Just like. We’ve lived together forever. Our whole adult lives.
We built this thing up from nothing together.

MAX
So?

TAMILA
SO?!

68

MAX
If you can’t handle who I am now, I can’t stay.
I’m done here.
Really really done.


SCENE FOURTEEN
MAX and MOM in the kitchen of the Green Family House.
Evening.

MAX
It’ll just be a week. Not even. A few days.
I’m gonna get my own place.

MOM
Well as long as you want. Love having you around.

Oh! Guess what? Sarah from book group has a trans student in her class! Can you
believe that! Little ten-year-old. They’re coming out so young these days! I told her
to pass on your number.

MAX
Why?

MOM
Well I thought you could be an older mentor to him!

MAX
Does he not have the internet?

MOM
Well sure but I thought it would be nice for him to talk to a real person. You know a
real grown-up trans person living his dreams!

MAX
You could have asked me first.
I’m not the only trans person in the world.

Silence. Awk.

MOM
I finally got your father’s shirt back from the dry cleaners.

She pulls out the shirt MAX vomited in during the Super Bowl.

69
 Stain’s all gone. Mostly. See?
I thought they did a great job.

MAX takes the shirt and looks at it.

MAX
I don’t believe he wore this every Sunday and never got a stain on it.

MOM
That’s one hundred percent the truth.

MAX
But like watching football? All that messy food?

MOM
He was very careful your father. Always kept real neat. That was how he was. Gentle.
Kind.

MAX
He was… gentle and kind?

MOM
Oh yes. Never raised his voice around the house.

MAX
What else was he like?

MOM
Well he was a tremendous cook. He would sit all day paging through cookbooks
choosing what he was going to make. His pasta sauce- my god. And then there was
his potato salad.

MAX
Did he cook for fun or was he doing the daily cooking?

MOM
He cooked all the time. His favorite place was the kitchen.

MAX
But when it came to who would cook dinner most nights- did you do most of that
daily cooking or did he?

MOM
I’d say it was about even.

MAX

70
 In most houses it’s not even.

MOM
Well I don’t know.
I probably cooked a little bit more.
When I think about it.
But his dishes were so good he made up for it!

MAX
What about chores?
Like cleaning and laundry and stuff?
Who did most of that?

MOM
Oh I don’t know it’s hard to remember! I probably did all of it a little bit more, sure.
But that was because I was better at it. And I was around more. He worked long
hours.

MAX
So did you.

MOM
Well sure but not nearly as long as he did.

MAX
But that was because you were taking care of the house.

MOM
Well someone had to!

MAX
But why not him?

MOM
Well because…I was better at it. He would always mess things up when he tried- I
would tell him to clean the living room and all hell would break loose! Couldn’t even
trust him with a vacuum cleaner!

MAX
I know but then you had to sacrifice your career and he didn’t. He didn’t do that.

MOM
I never wanted to advance in any career!

MAX

71
 You said you wanted to get promoted to manager! You could have gotten promoted
if you had worked a little bit harder! If you didn’t have to come home so often.

MOM
Oh no honey that was a joke! A pipe dream! There’s a lot of responsibility in that job.
I don’t think I would have liked it. Not really. If I had wanted anything like that I
would have told him. We would have worked something out.

MAX
He should have done more so there was less on your plate.

MOM
Honey what’s wrong with you? We were just like everyone else, okay?

MAX
Well maybe everyone else isn’t exactly perfect.

MOM
Why are you trying to chastise your dead father?

MAX
I just think he could have done better.

MOM
You don’t know what it’s like to be a mom. All the people you have to take care of!
And after you spend a whole day waiting tables and then you come home and you
have to take care of more people! You make it seem like I was so helpless and
miserable letting him walk all over me but you all did it. And I set my own limits. I
took care when it brought me joy and stopped when it didn’t.

MAX
I know it’s just that a lot of unseen labor falls to women and I want to make sure you
see that.

MOM
Of course I see it I DO it.

MAX
Totally. I just want to make sure you understand it as a larger thing? It’s not just
limited to your situation. A woman taking on way more housework than her
husband?

MOM
I’ve been alive for quite a long time, you know.

MAX

72
 Sure sure, just like
you were saying something totally different
a minute ago.

MOM stands up.
Refills her coffee.
Thinks.

MOM
Max.
I think you should go stay at Grumble’s tonight.
I don’t think this is a good plan.
Not based on the way the first hour has gone.
The next time you come back I’d like you to treat me with a little more respect.


SCENE FIFTEEN
MAX arrives at UNCLE GRUMBLE’s with his duffel bag. GRUMBLE is drinking a beer and
watching TV.

GRUMBLE
It’s just an air mattress.
But as long as you need, man.

MAX
Thanks.

GRUMBLE
Anytime. Always here for you. And don’t mind those women. They got a stick up
their ass about you switching teams but that’s their own prejudice ain’t none of their
business what you wanna do with your body.

Oh. Shampoo commercial. No talking.

Sound of shampoo commercial. They both watch.
GRUMBLE mouths along with the words.

MAX
Hey uh what…
what do you remember about my Dad?

GRUMBLE
Joe.

MAX
Do you remember anything about like

73
 what kind of a man he was?

GRUMBLE
Same kind of man I am.

MAX
Okay but like what kind of man is that? Actually?

GRUMBLE
We liked the same kinds of things.
Wrestling. Rock concerts. Hot dogs.

MAX
I mean the Dad I remember
he wasn’t exactly like
I mean you and he were
pretty different.

GRUMBLE
Me and Joe were the same. You oughta know that. Shared everything. Only split
came when I wanted to enlist and he wanted to go to college.

Day he left for college I cried. Shed real genuine tears. Maybe the only time in my life
that ever happened. I had to start training and I was in the worst mood ever. You
don’t wanna be dragging your feet during boot camp. First time I’d been away from
him for that long in… well I don’t know. I think since we met. Third grade.

MAX
You missed him?

GRUMBLE
You know Joe and I were friends but it was special. Never had a friend like that
again. There was one guy in my unit kinda reminded me of him. He smelled like dill.
Reminded me of that salad your grandma always used to make with dill and yogurt.
Reminded me of home. I’d always try to sleep next to him at night. Soak up his
smell.

There’s a knock on the door.

There they are!!

MAX
Who?

He answers the door. GRANDPA GREEN and BILL troop in.

74
 BILL
We’re here!

UNCLE GRUMBLE
So glad you could make it.

GRANDPA GREEN
Women are always whiners.

BILL
So glad you called us Grumble.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Seemed like time for a men’s caucus.

GRANDPA GREEN
Brought a ceremonial 6-pack.

BILL
Seriously, don’t let any of that get you down.

GRANDPA GREEN
None of those ladies and their feelings.

BILL
That’s what we’re here for.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
And Tamila was alright but you can do better.

MAX
Oh I mean we weren’t uh-

BILL
And this way you can get your own bachelor pad!

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Once you get back on your feet. No rush.
So glad you’re on our team now, man.

BILL
Always wanted a brother.

BILL spills beer on the floor.

BILL

75
 Oops.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Activate sock mop!

BILL
Don’t tell mom about this.

He slides his sock a little bit loose from his foot. Then he steps on the beer spill soaking it
up with the extra part of his sock.

Woohoo!! Sock mop!!

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Yeah!!!

BILL
Hey what are we gonna watch?

GRUMBLE
Baseball game’s just getting started.

GRANDPA
Baseball’s boring.

BILL
I like baseball.

GRANDPA
Here.

MAX
Oh I don’t wanna drink tonight.

GRANDPA
Take it.

MAX
I’m sorry, I-

GRUMBLE
What do you think men’s caucus is for?

GRANDPA
Is everyone gonna shut up so we can watch the game?

76
They watch in quiet for a minute.
Someone is up to bat.
Someone hits a big hit.
It looks like it’s going to be a home run!
They all lean forward
but then someone catches the ball.

GRANDPA
Fuck it.

GRUMBLE
Fucking numbskulls.

BILL
Fucking hate baseball.

MAX is quiet.

GRANDPA
How the fuck long we gotta wait ‘til football starts up again?

GRUMBLE
Just a few months, just a few months.

BILL
We’ll never make it.

GRUMBLE
We just gotta hang tight.

Quiet.

MAX
I have a question for you all.

They turn towards him.

Okay so
you know how when you’re a man you
sometimes find yourself like
talking over women or
correcting them?
Like taking up more space than them or
I don’t know yeah.
Because that’s how guys are allowed to be
so you just

77
 you take more than women
of like everything.

And so, did women ever get mad at you for that?
Like said you were hurting them?
Mostly you thought they were CRAY.
But deep down you wondered if…. if maybe they were right?
If you WERE hurting them?

They men are puzzled.

BILL
I dunno man.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Hold up, hold up this guy’s gonna hit a homer, I can just feel it!

GRANDPA
Look at that asshole, look at him.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Let’s go, lets go!

They lean in. The guy hits the ball. It is not a homer.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Fucking bullshit.

GRANDPA GREEN
One more time with these idiots.

BILL
Fucking baseball.

They sit in silence for a minute.
Shovel chips into their mouths.
Drink beer.
MAX shifts uncomfortably.
After a minute.

MAX
I was wondering too
if any of you uh
remember anything about my dad?

UNCLE GRUMBLE

78
 Max we already talked about this.

GRANDPA GREEN
What the hell you wanna know?

MAX
I don’t know.
Just
what he was like, I guess.

No one answers

If he was
you know
like other guys?

GRANDPA GREEN
Naw he wasn’t.

BILL
He was fine.

GRANDPA GREEN
He was a sissy. That’s what he was.

They watch baseball.

MAX
What uh
what was it about him?

Like how did he behave that really…

GRANDPA GREEN
He behaved like a sissy.

BILL
Just the way he was.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
It was
yeah
it was too bad.

GRANDPA GREEN
You need me to show you how a sissy behaves?

79

Sounds of the announcer.
They drink beers.

GRANDPA
Worthless.
That’s what he was.
I always tried to teach him a lesson.
He never LEARNED his lesson but I sure tried to teach him.
That’s for sure.

You don’t wanna end up like him. Think about it.
He’s not even here with us anymore.

MAX
Well yeah but that’s cuz of cancer not cuz of being a sissy.

GRANDPA
Everything comes back to get you sooner or later.
All that stress from other guys. Really builds up.

They watch. Drink, eat.
Sounds of an announcer.
GRANDPA starts to fall asleep.
He snores.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Oh Green.

BILL
He always tries to push himself.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
Can’t stay up as late as he wants to.

BILL
I’ll get him home.

UNCLE GRUMBLE
I’ll help you carry him to the car. You set yourself up in here.

They carry GRANDPA GREEN offstage.
MAX tries to blow up the air mattress.
It doesn’t work.
BILL enters.

80
 BILL
Forgot my wallet!

Hey uh
I wanted to
say something
about something you said before.
About uh
men hurting women
and not realizing it?

MAX
Oh. Yeah.

BILL
Do you think that’s true?

MAX
What do you mean?

BILL
Like guys can be bad?

MAX
I don’t know.

BILL
Just thinking about
you know how I never knew my dad?
And then Joe passed and like
how I figured out how to be
how it had to come from Grumble and Grandpa and TV and stuff.
And maybe
maybe we don’t gotta be like them?
Maybe we can be different?

Anyway.
Do I have to give up my motorbike to be a good guy?
I mean I would.
I’d just rather not.

MAX
I really don’t know.

BILL
You think a guy can be

81
 a good person?

MAX
I mean
depends on what you mean by good.
But yeah
I hope so.

BILL
I think about this stuff too sometimes.

MAX
I know you do.

BILL
Anyway. Sleep tight man.

MAX
You too.



SCENE SIXTEEN
GRUMBLE’s house. Night. Max can’t sleep.
He gets out his phone. He dials.

Somewhere else onstage TAMILA listens to her phone ring.
She decides to answer.

TAMILA
This better be an emergency.

MAX
Shit. I didn’t think you’d answer.

TAMILA
Is your life threatened? Are you in immediate danger?

MAX
No but /I

TAMILA
Then you can call me back in the morning.

MAX
It’s an apology emergency?

82

TAMILA
Oh my god Max.

MAX
Listen I am so so SO sorry.
I just
I don’t know what happened.
I don’t wanna be like that.

TAMILA
Cool, so glad to hear it.
Can I go back to sleep now?

MAX
Listen. Oh gosh.
I’m a little bit
I’m kinda freaking out.

My uncle snores So Loud. I haven’t slept all night. It smells like cat piss even though
there’s no cat. And I was just looking for a magazine to read and I stumbled on his
porn collection?! I need to get out of here. STAT.

TAMILA
Are you asking if you can sleep here?
Cuz there’s already a subletter in your room.

MAX
Geez you replaced me that quickly?

TAMILA
Well you know how much our rent is!

MAX
I just need a place to be that’s not here.

What if this is my only option now?
Like what if I’m a guy
and this is just what guy IS at the end of the day?
Smelly apartment, all alone, loud snoring, gross porn collection.

TAMILA
Don’t call it gross, I know he’s your uncle but everyone’s entitled to their own
desires when it comes to porn.

MAX

83
 Some of it’s gay.

TAMILA
There you go.

MAX
What if women just get closer together
and men just get farther apart?
And what if you can end up really, really far
from other people?
Just like sitting alone in your smelly apartment watching shampoo commercials on
repeat.
I think I made the wrong choice.

TAMILA
We don’t know that it was a choice.

MAX
The men in my family clean up spilled beer with their socks.
They think my Dad got cancer from the stress of being a sissy.
They think they have to protect and take care of women.
Like who the fuck am I now?

TAMILA
I mean masculinity sucks. For you, for me, for all of us.

MAX
Maybe I need to go back.

TAMILA
Go back to what?

MAX
To whatever I was before.

TAMILA
And what was that?

MAX
I don’t know.
A guy that no one saw as a guy.
A guy that never hung out with other guys.
A guy that wasn’t really a guy?

TAMILA
Max. I don’t think you can ever go back.

84

MAX
I… can’t?

TAMILA
You’ve just. You’ve seen this now. You’ve seen this side of men.
All that stuff that happened to you… I don’t know if that can ever go away.

MAX
But I want it to go away.
What if I change the way I look?

TAMILA
If you do that it should be because you want to.
Not because you’re trying to dodge privilege.

As long as I’ve known you
and that’s a pretty long time
you’ve felt like a man
you’ve dressed like a man
now you’re actually calling yourself a man….
So learn how to be a better man!

MAX
What if that’s impossible? What if men are just fucked?

TAMILA
Oh my god. Stop being such a copout. You remember what it’s like to have the world
treat you like a woman? It means being an object. Something people can walk on
step over and ignore. And when you’re trans? When you’re a transwoman of color?

You want to know why my art show was only one night? Because it was a special
one night “diversity night.” So while I have an MFA and way more experience than
all those dumb white guys they showcase for weeks at a time they pushed me into
the one-night diversity slot.

So while you’re talking about how hard it is to be a man just remember that nothing
in this world rewards you for being a woman. Nothing nothing nothing at all.

You have this amazing opportunity. You didn’t grow up with all this fucked-up ness
so you can see it. You can change what being a man is, don’t give that up! Get to
work.

And honestly? I’m really not in the mood to hear you complain about it. Call Joey.
Maybe he’ll have more sympathy for you.

85

SCENE SEVENTEEN
MAX and JOEY. They run. They run over mountains and through forests and around lakes.
MAX is barely sure he can make it.

JOEY
Running’s amazing. When you get to the end of what you think you can do and then
you keep on going? It’s like you’re conquering the world.

Just feel that adrenaline.
You feel it?
Pumping through your system?
Magic body juice.

MAX
I feel like I’m gonna die.

JOEY
Stop. Just feel that.
Energy coursing through you.
That raw power.

Being a girl was so much trying.
But being a guy
you can just BE.

It’s effortless.
You’re hot and strong and powerful
and you don’t have to DO anything.

I mean how hot is that?
Your rough naked self?
Being totally
completely
enough?

MAX
It’s uh
It’s pretty-

JOEY
Hot, right?

MAX
Well I don’t know if I would-

86
 JOEY
It’s fucking maleness I love.
That raw naked power we have.
What’s wrong with that?

MAX
I don’t know.

JOEY sort of pins MAX down.

JOEY
What’s wrong with that?

MAX tries to get free.

MAX
I said I don’t know.
I really really
don’t know.

JOEY laughs. MAX tries harder.

MAX
Okay.

Okay okay.
Like really really.
Stop STOP.

JOEY stops.

JOEY
There you go. Your masculinity’s coming out.

MAX
It was already fucking out thank you very much.

JOEY
Your fighting instincts.
Girls choose flight, guys choose fight, /we all know they do.

MAX
Some girls. Some guys. You’re really trying to start something, huh?

JOEY
This is safety man. How to be a guy in the world.

87
 If you don’t find out from me you’ll find out the hard way.
I want you to be prepared.

He pushes MAX. MAX pushes him back.
They start to fight.

MAX
Is this like fighting fighting or like play fighting?

JOEY
Huh?

MAX
Is this like fighting to fight or fighting to have fun?

JOEY
What’s the difference?

MAX
I don’t want to fight fight.

JOEY
The more you talk the less fun this is.

MAX
That’s the kind of thing assholes say to girls.

MAX pushes JOEY hard.
JOEY fights back.
MAX fights hard.

JOEY
Whoa never seen this side of you before!

MAX
Well what you said really pissed me off!

JOEY
You can try and settle shit with talking but this is how stuff really goes down.
Every time.

MAX
I don’t know man.

JOEY
You don’t know what I’ve seen, okay?

88
 Maybe it’ll be different for you
but these are the weapons I’ve needed.
To really be myself. To be safe.

He stops fighting.

You’re not even trying.

JOEY sits.
MAX does too.

You know before I passed I studied men.
Figured out how to spread my legs wider.
Give a girl the once over. Stop listening when someone’s talking.
Grunt my answers. No more whole sentences.
Look at men like I could beat the crap out of them
right then and there.

Sure, maybe it’s sexist but that stuff worked for me.
It worked to make me a guy.
Without it you’re under attack. All the time.

You’re gonna keep coming back to this.
Dirt, sweat, speed. That’s what guy is.
Without that stuff- I don’t know what you are.
I don’t know how you protect yourself.

And yeah there’s a lot of shitty guys out there.
But we’re not them. We’re better than that.

MAX
Are we?



SCENE EIGHTEEN

MAX stands in WILSON’S doorway.
Night.


MAX
Your light was on so I thought I would uh
I was nearby?
In the neighborhood and
I just um.

89
 Sorry.
I didn’t think you’d answer.

WILSON
Everything alright?

MAX
Oh yeah sure.
I actually um
I actually just needed
a place to be.

After a moment.

WILSON
Why don’t you come in?

He does.

MAX
I don’t want to interrupt.
Whatever you were…

WILSON
I was listening.
My favorite symphony.

MAX
Oh.
You can finish. If you want.
I didn’t mean to…

WILSON
I was right at the end.
There’s a big crash and bang at the end.
It’s rather satisfying.
You know, Beethoven.
That’s how he likes to end everything.
Make a big storm. Knock it all down.

I’m going to have a drink.
Perhaps you’d like one also?

MAX
I would.
I really really would.

90

WILSON fixes the drinks.

WILSON
He died during a thunderstorm. Beethoven.
They said it sounded like one of his symphonies.

They drink together in silence.

MAX
How long have you lived alone?

WILSON
Ten years.

MAX
Do you ever get lonely?

WILSON
Rick’s always with me.

Pause.

MAX
I lost my house. And my best friend.
And I hate all the men in my family.
And the whole world.

WILSON
Well.
That certainly
sounds rough.

MAX nods.

Lonely actually.
Sounds quite lonely.


I have a spare room.
If you need a spot.

MAX
Oh it’s not like that.

WILSON

91
 Alright.

MAX
Actually um well
that would be
that would be wonderful.
If that’s real.
Only a few days.

WILSON
As long as you need.
That’s what it’s there for.

MAX
I… thank you.
Thank you very much.

WILSON
Had a friend who lived there for a year one time.
Before he went to Tennessee.
It was Rick’s office.
I’m sure he’d have been pleased to have you there.

They drink.

In my experience it can help to stop.
Pull over to the side of the road.
Get a glimpse of your whole life.
The loneliness might never go away.
But you’ll find things that help.

Shall we finish Beethoven?
I think I’m ready for a storm.


SCENE NINETEEN
Wonder Wheels.
TAMILA packs it up into boxes.
The space is almost totally empty.
MAX enters. He watches for a moment before speaking.

MAX
Hey.

TAMILA
Oh. Hey.

92
 Did not expect to see you here.

MAX
Wanted to come by and you know
check it out.

TAMILA
Well. Here it is.

MAX
I forgot how much space there is here.
Without all the like
stuff.

TAMILA
Yup.

MAX
So this is the end, huh?

TAMILA
Pretty much.

MAX
When did you decide?

TAMILA
Pretty quickly. Prolly like a week after you took off.

MAX
What about Bob?

TAMILA
Oh he doesn’t care. He’s going to tear this down and build condos anyway.
Why leave a tiny inch of space undeveloped if you could be making a buck off it,
right?

MAX
I guess.

TAMILA
Yeah so if you want any bike tools now’s the moment to take them.
Just use them for your personal stuff okay and don’t give them to they-who-shall-
not-be-named.

She goes back to stuffing stuff in boxes.

93

MAX
What….what’s next for you?
Are you gonna um
focus on art?

TAMILA
Sofia and I are gonna open a zine shop gallery space.

MAX
That’s cool.

TAMILA
It’s a long way off. We’re saving up right now.

If we’re being real I’m prolly gonna end up dumpstering a lot of bread and tuna fish.
Find my way back to the minimum wage hamster wheel.

MAX
Yeah.
I also came for another reason.
I was wondering if I could buy my portrait?
The one that was in your show.

I wish I could have seen it then.
I’m sorry I wasn’t there.

TAMILA
Me too.

MAX
Joey said you had it in the backroom and I just
I didn’t know what plans you had for it
but I wondered if I could…

TAMILA
No one’s ever bought a painting of mine before.

MAX
Well I’d be honored to be the first.
If you’ll let me.

TAMILA
You haven’t even seen it.

MAX

94
 I know.
But I know I want it.

She goes into the backroom.
He’s alone in the store.
She comes back with a painting.
We never see it.

MAX
Oh wow. Okay. This is really…
I know it’s my face but quite honestly
having followed your painting for quite some time
I’d say this is your strongest work.

TAMILA
I think that’s a tad narcissistic.

MAX
I know but I also really do know your complete /works.

TAMILA
Just be sure to hang it somewhere prominent.
With my name displayed, of course.

MAX
I like how blurry it is. Fuzzy. I don’t know the right term. Just like messy, I guess. Cuz
it was. Transitioning I mean. What a weird thing to call it.


How much for the painting?

TAMILA
You can just take it.

MAX
I don’t want to do that.

TAMILA
It’s fine. Just take it.

MAX
It’s your first time selling something!

TAMILA
Max. Enough.

95
TAMILA sweeps.

MAX
Remember when we used to have movie nights here? And we hung the projector
over there and the place was PACKED and we spilled popcorn and never fully
cleaned it up and then for weeks people were stepping on kernels?

TAMILA
We had some good times.

MAX
Why didn’t you try to keep it going?

TAMILA
It’s a lot of work for one person.

MAX
You could have hired another lead mechanic.

TAMILA
Who would I hire?

MAX
I don’t know.

TAMILA
I’m doing this thing now where I lead with what I want. I don’t make myself small
for anyone else. Not coworkers, not curators, not friends. So yeah when I thought
about what I wanted… I realized this is what I had to do.

MAX
Yeah, yeah I get that.
It’s just. I don’t want it to end.

TAMILA
Well you can take it on.

MAX hesitates.

Yeah didn’t think so.

What’s your title again?
You know, at work. They who shall not be named?

MAX
Oh. I’m a mechanic. And education associate.

96
 Both things part-time. So like one full time job.

TAMILA
And you like it?

MAX
I like
I don’t know.

TAMILA
The money?

MAX
I mean it’s real money, yeah.
And cool bikes.

TAMILA
When you left you said you’d found a better fit for you.
What do you think now? Still true?

MAX
I don’t know.

TAMILA finishes packing up in silence.

TAMILA
Well. That’s it. Time to say goodbye.

MAX
I think I wanna stay. Sit here for a minute.

TAMILA
Sure. Bob’s coming to lock up at 5. You can stay til then.

She starts to leave.
Then she turns around.

TAMILA
Hey. Thanks.
For making this.

She gestures around the room.

MAX
Thanks you too.

97
 TAMILA
It was pretty real. For a little while.

MAX
Yeah.

MAX looks at his portrait.

What’s the shadow in the back?

TAMILA
What?

MAX
Here. It has me and the family in our narwhal hats at the Super Bowl.
But then there’s a shadowy figure behind us all. What’s that supposed to be?

TAMILA
Really, Max?

MAX
What?

TAMILA
Your father.

MAX
Oh. Right.

They both look at the portrait.
TAMILA turns to leave.

TAMILA
Well. Seeya.

She exits.
MAX looks around the empty shop.
He looks at his portrait.
He sits.
And sits.

END OF PLAY.

98