☻3 GOOD MANNERS

3 good manners of male penis. 1)Courteous-it stands before performing. 2)Emotional-it

cries during the performance. 3)Polite-it bows down after the performance.
 
☻MISTAKES
Learn from your parents' mistakes - Use birth control!
 
☻ PICTURE
Man says to his wife: Let me take a picture of your breasts, than I can always look at
them. Wife: Let me take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged.
 
☻MAN
Today, in style are small cars, watches, skirts and mobile-phones... It will come the time
when SMALL PENIS will be in style, and then you will be the man!!!
 
☻ COCUNUT
What’s hairy on the outside and moist inside, begins with a 'C' ends with a 'T' and has U'
and 'N' in the middle? Answer: 'COCUNUT'
 
☻ SHOWTIME
Wat's the diff between pulling a curtain and a panty? ANS: When U pull a curtain, it
means tat the show is over. But pulling down a panty means IT'S
SHOWTIME!                                                           
☻LEFT LEG, RIGHT LEG
What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg? Between the two of us, we can make a
lot of money.
 
☻SEX MACHINE
When im dead and in my grave, no more pussy i will crave. And upon my headstone will
be seen, here lies the bones of a f**king machine.
 
☻ SEX ON TEXT
Press down... down more... Ok more... YES ahh ohh yes... almost there... yeah oh shit
harder... SO GOOD...! mmmmm... That's how I sex on text!
 
☻ CARS
Man1: my wife is obsess w/ cars. While asleep, she holds my bird & say
'Ferari,Porsche...'  Man2: mine is worst, she puts my bird inside her & say 'Full Tank
pls.'
 
☻ DEPRESSED
A girl asked, why cow seems depressed when being milked? Teacher: if every morning
they rub yours 4 30 minutes and don't f**k u, u will feel the same?
 
☻ BAR STOOL
How do you keep 4 blondes entertained in a bar? Turn the bar stool upside down.
 
☻VIAGRA
CUSTOMER NOTIFICATION. As of May 2001 Viagra will only be available through
chemists by its chemical name.So please ask for MYCOXAFLOPPIN. Thank you
 
☻ WE CAN MULTIPLY
Do you like maths, if so add a bed, subtract ur clothes, divide your legs and we can
multiply!
 
☻ SNOW WHITE
*NEWSFLASH* Snow white had been chucked out of Disney Land. She was reported 2
hav pulled up her skirt, sat on Pinnochio's face and shouted, 'LIE BASTARD LIE'
 
☻ GLOW IN THE DARK
I really, deeply wish tat u r here wif me in my room, on my bed & lights is off & we get
under the cover together.. 2 show u my.. new watch tat glow in the dark
 
☻ PENIS & BALLS
Penis & Balls arguing. Balls: Hey, U r very unfair! Everytime u go in u never bring us
along, only u enjoy! Penis: Eh, U think its fun? I always keep vomiting!
 
☻ STUPID PYJAMAS
Last night I desperately missed you I wanted to feel u on my naked body. I had to go to
bed without you....where are u stupid pyjamas.....!
 
☻BRUSH MY TEETH
I love the way it rubs against the soft pink flesh.. and creates a creamy foamy liquid as it
thrusts in and out, up and down... Can’t wait to brush my teeth
 
☻ RING
I wish I were a ring Upon my girlfriend's hand, 'Cause everytime she'd wipe her rear I'd
 see the promised land....
 
☻ DUMB
What is the dumbest part on a man's body? The penis. It has a head with no brain, it
hangs out with two nuts and it lives around the corner from an asshole!
 
☻ SAGGY BOOB
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support
people are going to think we're nuts!
 
☻ BLOW JOB
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your nuts. This is no ordinary
blow job!
 
☻ COVER ME
What did the Dick say to the Condom? 'Cover me!!! I'm going in...'
☻ TITS DAIRY
I'd willingly fertilize Mary, And watch for 9 months her shape vary, From the very first
day, To the child-birth display, When her tits would turn into a dairy.
 
how do you keep an idiot in suspense ??? ............. ............ ...tell
☻Suspense you later !!!
At this moment 5 million are having sex 2 million are in gun
☻Statistics fights 91milliom at a party and one sad fucker is reading this
SMS
☻Farmer Joneshas farmer Joneshas got no sheep,
isn't life a drag?
coz they're all burning in a field
he's got no sheep to shag
☻Gary Gliter *Newsflash*
The FA have just announced garly gliter the next England Coach.
The appontment collapsed after he tried to put seaman in the
under 15's
☻Ba Ba White Sheep ba ba white sheep grazing on sum grass when a maff official
shoots it up the ass burnt by mornin fumes fill the sky less meat 4
kebabs & shepherds pie
☻Leather Heather there was a young girl called heather,whos cunt lips were made of
leather they made a strange noise that attracted the boys by
flapping the edges together
☻Little Miss Drugy little miss drugy sat in a buggy smoking a pipe of weed along
came a spider skinned up beside her and sold her some acid and
speed.
 Jack & Jill went 2 the dairy, Jack popped out his big'n airy, Jill
☻Jack and Jill said "WOW WOT A WHOPPER let's go home & DO IT
PROPER
what do you do if a irish man through's a pin at you ... ... you run
☻IRA cause he's got a grenade in his mouth
There was a young girl from Wick, who asked her mum what's a
☻Dear Mammy love prick, her mother said Annie it goes up your fanny and jumps up
annie and down till it's sick.
This is a cock sucker detector
☻Cock Sucker Please blow in the phone..... .. scanning....
Detecotor The test was positive 90percent sperm breath...
COCK SUCKER !!
Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?
A pink rose with loveley details.
☻Pink Vagina And after sex?
Boy, ever seen a bulldog eating maiyonnaise?
Bad wolf told red riding hood. Lift your top so i can suck your
tits.
☻Red Riding Hood No she said lifting her skirt.
Eat me like the fucking book says!
sex is good sex is funny many people fuck for money
☻Fuck for money but if you think sex is funny fuck yourself and safe your money

Adult Jokes
☻Girl: Im like a radio,my mouth spkr,my left breast
tuner, right 1 volume. Man:Can I try?(touches d
breats)-no sound. Girl:U havent plugged in yet!

☻Nipple Nipple dont be far, can I press u in my car. Up

above the chest so high, always milky never dry. Let
me suck you, dont feel shy. 

☻Man says to his wife: Let me take a picture of your

breasts, than I can always look at them. Wife: Let me
take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged

☻The sky is blue,grass is green,harder the fuck the

louder the scream,louder the scream the better the
fuck,give me a ring u might be in luck 

☻Q:Who is stronger, Man Or Woman? A:A woman bcos she

lifts 2 mountains on her chest while a man lifts 2
stones with the help of a crane. 

☻A husband was asked: Do u talk to your wife after sex?

His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.

☻Son on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what 2 do.

MOM:Put ur biggest thng on her hairiest thng. SON:got
my nose in her armpit. Now what?

☻rooster&cat goin over bridge,cat slips&falls in

river.rooster cant stop laughin.wats D moral?whereva
therZ a wet pussy therZ a happy cock

☻LUV D WAY IT RUBS AGAINST D SOFT PINK FLESH N MAKES A

CREAMY FOAMY LIQUID AS IT THRUSTS IN&OUT,UP&DOWN,CAN`T
WAIT 4 NEXT TIME.LUV MY TOOTHBRUSH

Sex Jokes
 
☻SEX
SEX is My Fav. I Do it regularly. Do it & Feel Gd! U'll enjoy it! I'll Die w/out SEX, S-
Sleep, E-Eat, X-xercise, So do it everiday, gd for u.
 
☻SEX ON TEXT
Press down... down more... Ok more... YES ahh ohh yes... almost there... yeah oh shit
harder... SO GOOD...! mmmmm... That's how I sex on text!
 
☻YOU ARE WANTED
The Police are looking for a suspect who is smart, sexy, witty & very good looking... So
where are you gonna hide Me?
 
☻TALKING DIRTY
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to
a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
 
☻LOVE AND SEX
Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and play the game!
 
☻SEX IS ...
Sex is a sensation caused by temptation when a man puts his location in a woman's
destination. Do u get my explanation, or do u need a demonstration?!
 
☻GIVE ME ALL YOUR $$$
MONEY: can buy a house, but not a HOME. can buy a clock, but not TIME. can buy
sex, but not LOVE. So pass me all ur $ n let me suffer 4 U
 
☻NIGHT PRAYER
Dear God, thank you for making me healthy. Can you also make me sexy? If you can't
make me sexy, please make all my friends fat. Amen.
 
☻WHAT I NEED
I need a hug, I need touch, I need tender, I need a kiss, I need love, I need sex, I need
you!
 
☻WRONG NUMBER
U've got SEX APPEAL ... U've got INTELLIGENCE ... U've got CLASS ... U got da
FACE, U got da BODY ... I got the wrong number ... SORRY
 
☻NO SEX !
There is Hot-sex, Fast-sex, Group-sex, Safe-sex, Leather-sex, Telephone-sex, and for
people with your face ...NO SEX !
 
 
☻PHONE ENGAGE
hey! what happen 2 your hp? tried calling alot of times. everytime i dial your no,
operator kept sayin 'THE SUBSCRIBER U CALLING IS HAVING SEX, PLS TRY
LATER'

 
☻KENTUCKEY
A woman is like a kentuckey friedchicken, it has legs ,breasts and a greasy box to stick
your bone in.
 

☻TWINKLE LITTLE STAR

Twinkle, twinkle little rectum bigcockscum when you least expect them, never mind the
screams of passion whoop it up with doggy fashion.
 

☻OLD MAN
There was an old man from gosham,
who got out his bollocks to wash'em,
His wife said oh jack if you don't put'em back,
i'll stand on the bastards and squash em!!!(new)

☻ARSE ICONS
(_!_) Regular arse
(__!__) Fat arse
(!) Tight arse
(_*_) Sore arse
(_o_) Well used arse
(_e=mc2_) Smart arse
(_x_) Kiss my arse

☻FAMILY
your father had your mother,
your mother had your brother,
it's just 2 bad your fathers mad and
your mothers now your lover  

☻GUY PERIOD
If guys had they periods
They wouldcompare the size of their tampons!  

☻DEMONSTRATION
Sex is when a guyscommunication enters a girls information to
increase the population for a younger generation do you get the
nformation...or do you need a demonstration  
 

☻SEX IS EVIL
Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sin is forgiven
So stick it in.  

☻VIRGIN
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.  

☻GUYS
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.  

☻cOOL GIRL
Im acool girl,
in acool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down  

☻HOT SEX
There is Hot-sex,
Fast-sex, Group-sex,
Safe-sex, Leather-sex,
Telephone-sex,
and for people with your face ...
NO SEX !

☻WOMENS NEEDS
There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage,
mink in hercloset, tiger in her bed!
And ofcourse a donkey to pay her bills!!

☻SICK LEAVE
A guycall into work and says: Boss Ican´tcome to work to day, I´m sick.
Boss asks: How sick are you?
The guy says: I´m fucking my sister how sick is that?

☻BRAND SEX
Sex is like nokia -connecting people
like Nike -just do it
Like Pepsi -ask for more
Like Samsung -everyone is invated
and like me -TO GOOD TO BE TRUE!

☻VALANTINE
Roses are red, violets are blue, I was born beautiful, but what the hell happend to you?

☻F**KING MAFIA
Licking pussy is like playing with the mafia...
One wrong move and you are in DEEP SHIT!!!!

☻THE BUSH
When an apple is green it's ready to pluck
When a girl is sixteen she's ready to fuck!

☻The Alpahbet
a-ur attractive
b-ur beautiful
c-urcaring
d-ur delicous
e-ur exciting
f-ur funny
g-ur gorgeous
h-ur heavenly
I-IM
J-JUST
K-KIDDING
L-LOSER!

☻Luv is a sensation
Luv is a sensation dat iscaused by temptation,a boy puts his location in a girls
destination,do u get my explanation or do u wanna demonstration?

☻Good Sex
Sex is good,
sex is fine,
doggy style or 69,
just for fun or getting paid,
everyone likes getting laid!

☻Equation
Do you like maths, if so add a bed, subtract urclothes, divide your legs and wecan
multiply!

☻Sex Guide
Bak 2 bak,
front 2 front,
on d table,lick dcunt,
stick it in,
do ur ting,
do it hard & make her sing,
tense ur body feel dcum,
den let it rip into her bum!

☻Luv me tender
Luv me tender,luv me sweet,rap ur lips around my meat,watch & smile,watch me
grin,watch thecum drip down mychin!

☻Life as a penis
5 reasons not 2 b a penis
1)ur bald ur entire life
2)both ur naybors r nutz
3)an arsehole lives b’hind u
4)ur bestm8s acunt
5)wen xcited u throw up den faint!
☻Pregnant
Sex is real evil,sex is a sin,moaning and groaning as he slides slowly in,itcant last 4eva,I
no it’s a shame,dat 1 night of passion leads to 9months of pain!

☻Flying Fuck
Ill fuck you standing,I fuck you lying,If I had wings Id fuck you flying,if you were
dead,your not forgotten,ill dig you up and fuck you rotten!

☻Beat Me
Beat me eat me bite my bum, whip me strip me make mecum, suck me fuck me and lick
me out,then tickle my nipples until I shout!

☻£50 note tattood on yourcock

3 advantages of gettin a £50 note tattood on urcock:
1- Ucan play wiv ur money,
2- Ucan see ur money grow
3- Ur girlcan blow as much money as she wants

☻Bastard Rubber
D boys say i luv u,U beleve its true,9months l8r he says to hell wiv u,D baby is a
bastard,D mother is a whore,Nun of dis wood av happened if d rubber hadnt tore!

☻Nice Arse
I like your style, I like yourclass, but most of all i like your arse!

☻Cat & Rooster

cat & Rooster walkin near d pool,Cat falls in the pool,Rooster starts laughin,Moral of d
story?..Wen ever theres a happycock theres a wet pussy!

☻Love poem
Roses are red, Pickles are green, I love your legs & whats in between!

☻Bonna
There are 206 bones in your body! Would u like another?
☻Cocktail
Is it d whiskey dat makes u frisky.Is it d brandy dat makes u randy,Is it d gin dat makes u
slip in,Is it d rum dat makes ucum!

☻Triplets or Twins
I want triplets, You want twins, Lets get in bed and see who wins!

☻How to satisfy a woman

HOW 2 SATISFY A WOMAN;caress, excite,cuddle, fascinate, spoil, kiss, rub, tease,
pamper,console, worship, respect & love.HOW 2 SATISFY A MAN; blow job

☻Life is like a dick

Life is like a dick! When it's hard Fuck it!

☻Rainbow
Zippy & Bungle,went 2 da jungle havin sum marvelous fun, Zippy got silly,popped out
his willy & stuck it up Bungles bum!

☻Love & War

LETS PLAY WAR!! You lay down and i'll blow the shit out of you!

☻Little Girl
When i was a girl,i had a little quim,i sat upon my bed & put a finger in,now im a woman
& full of grace &charm,Ican get 4fingers in & HALF MY FUCKIN ARM!!

☻Virginity is like a balloon

Virginity is like a balloon, one prick and it's gone forever!

☻Question Time
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on ur wall?
A)walnuts
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on urchest?
A)chestnuts
Q)wot do u get wiv nuts on urchin?
A)a mouth full ofcock!

☻The Truth
QUESTION)Wots the difference between ur job & ur girlfriend?
ANSWER)ur job always sucks!!!!!

☻Pringles
Sex is like a pack of Pringles! Once you pop, youcan't stop!!

☻Marriage
A man woz arranged 2 b married!He had achoice of 3 women!1st woz a rich docter,2nd
woz a poorcleaner & 3rd woz a prostitute!WHO DID HE PICK?The 1 wiv big tits!

☻Getting Old
U NO UR GETTIN OLD IF
1)if ur age woz ur shoe size theyd b a mile long
2)doin it 5 times a nite means gettin up to piss
3)the only way u get a 69 is playin bingo

☻Baby Please
Of all the babes ur my selection,please dont giv me a rejection,my teeth areclean for ur
inspection,so giv my mouth a tongue injection!

☻HOW MANY ANIMALScAN U FIT IN A PAIR OF TIGHTS?

10 little piggies,2calves,1 ass,1 pussy,1 beaver,loads of hares & 1 smelly fish!

☻Sex+drugs+rock+rave
Sex+drugs+rock+rave,lets get drunk & misbehav,on weed+speed +little e's,well get
drunk & talk 2 trees,u only live once & den u die,so fuck em all & lets get high!

☻Men like toilets

 

Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS

1)dey r always out of order
2)dey stink
3)the nice ones r always engaged
4)deyconsume large amounts of liquid
5)rconstantlt full of shit!

☻Mary's bush
 

Mary Mary, quitecontrary, trim that pussy its too damn hairy!!!

☻Horny
 

Roses are red, voilets arecorny, when i think of you babes it makes me so HORNY!!!

☻5 bad things to say to a naked guy

 

5 BAD THINGS 2 SAY 2 A NAKED GUY

1)so dis explains urcar!
2)but still work,right?
3)r ucold?
4)shood i get a pump?
5)so i guess dis makes me d early bird!

☻Hickory, dickory, dock

Hickory, dickory, dock,dis bitch woz suckin mecock,daclock struck 2,i dumped me
goo,& dropped her at da end of da block!

☻Mary had a little lamb

Mary had a little lamb,she kept it in da backyard,wen she took her panties off,his wooly
dick got hard!

☻Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater

 

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater,had a wife & liked to beat her,smacked her twice around da
head, F**ked her arse & went 2 bed!
 

☻Being a student
Being a student is so much fun,wen u have degrees in playin wiv tongues,if u be my
teacher in how tongues flex,we'll both graduate in hot oral sex!

☻Down on her Knees

 

Shes down on her knees,Eager to please,Wiv a throb of his nob in her gob,Wiv a tingle in
his belly,his legs turn to jellycos shes doin a fuckin good job!

☻Cat and the Sausage

 

Acat tries 2 get a sausage out of a river,but gets its paws wet,then it sees a bigger 1 but
falls in!MORAL OF THE STORY?The bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy!

☻Oral sex
Oral sexcan b so fine,wen u do a 69,u start 2 shake,moan & quiver,den ucum just like a
river,den u lick it up in vain,wipe ur lips and start again!

☻Mary's bike
 

Mary had a little bike,she rode it bak 2 front,all the time the wheels went round the
spokes went up hercunt
 

☻Rhyme
a mans ocupation
is to stick hiscockulation
up a wommens ventulation to
increase the population of the
younger generation if u want a demonstation plz lie down!

☻NewsFlash
*NEWSFLASH* Tell ALL your female friends that ican get 1000 tampons for ?1, No
Strings attached but for a limited period ONLY! Its A bloody good deal !

☻Nutella
I love when you stick your little fingers in me deep and lick it all . Love always , Nutella.

☻U and the Pope

do u know what's the diference between U geting laid, and the pope geting laid?? if the
pope gets laid, it's a sin, and if U get laid, its a miracle!! :)

☻Durex
Do you wan't fun Do you wan't sex Don't forget durex

☻Old Days
in days of old wen knights were bold +condoms wernt invented they tied socks around
theircocks + people like u were prevented.

☻Sex, Drugs + Birthcontrol

Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
Speed, weed and birthcontrol,
lifes a bitch, then u die,
so fuck the world
lets get high..

☻Kiss Me
Kiss's r blown + kiss's r wasted kiss's rnt kiss's unless they r tasted, kiss's spread germz +
germz hated, so kiss me BABE im vacinated!

☻How many letters

How many letters are in the Alphabet?? Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a UFO and
the FBI went after him!

☻My Roof?
last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky.... then I
thought where the fuck is my roof??

☻Foot and Mouth

mary had a little lamb,its name was little ralph,its burnin in a field right nowcos its got
foot and mouth

☻Blondes
What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop

☻Operator
This is your mobile operator and we just found out you are too dumb to use your phone,
so please put it on ground and start jumping on it . Thank you

☻Blonde Womens legs

what did the blondes womens left leg say to the blonde womens right leg? don't know
they never met!

☻This Way Up
Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H

☻I love you
This time im sure about wat i feel & im gonna say it
i
il
i lo
i lov
i love
i love y
i love yo
i love young girls with Shaven Pussys!

☻Mary's Lambs
Mary had 2 little lambs their names were Jack and Gypsy. One day they got foot and
mouth and now they're black andcrispy.

☻Sheep
Group of sheep in field, one says i dont feel well. The others reply shut the fuck up your
get us all shot.

☻Butter
Your teeth are so yellow, ican't believe it's not butter!!!
☻Condom factory
Your birthcertificate is an apology letter from thecondom factory.

☻Yo Mama
Yo mama's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her.

☻Mary Stinks
Mary had a smelly minge with pubes as dark ascharcoal.So most the men go round the
back and stick it up her arsehole!

☻Mary's Duck
mary had a little lamb she also had a duck, she put them on the mantlepiece to see if they
would fuck!

☻Tampons
whats the difference between a mini tampon..a middle tampon and a large tampon?....they
r all stuck upcunts!

☻Sex is like Maths

sex is like maths: Add the bed, subtractclothes, divide the legs...
and MULTIPLY!

☻Suspense
how do you keep an idiot in suspense ??? ............. ............ ...tell you later !!!

☻Statistics
At this moment 5 million are having sex 2 million are in gun fights 91milliom at a party
and one sad fucker is reading this SMS

☻Farmer Joneshas
farmer Joneshas got no sheep,
isn't life a drag?
coz they're all burning in a field
he's got no sheep to shag

☻Gary Gliter
*Newsflash*
The FA have just announced gary gliter the next Englandcoach.
The appontmentcollapsed after he tried to put seaman in the under 15's

☻Ba Ba White Sheep

ba ba white sheep grazing on sum grass when a maff official shoots it up the ass burnt by
mornin fumes fill the sky less meat 4 kebabs & shepherds pie

☻News Flash - Indian Earthquake

!!News flash!!
Indian earthquake kills 50 000!
USA sending food.
Australia sendingclothes.
britain sending ... ... ... Replacements

☻Leather Heather
there was a young girlcalled heather,whoscunt lips were made of leather they made a
strange noise that attracted the boys by flapping the edges together

☻Little Miss Drugy

little miss drugy sat in a buggy smoking a pipe of weed alongcame a spider skinned up
beside her and sold her some acid and speed.

☻Jack and Jill

Jack & Jill went 2 the dairy, Jack popped out his big'n airy, Jill said "WOW WOT A
WHOPPER let's go home & DO IT PROPER

☻IRA
what do you do if a irish man through's a pin at you ... ... you runcause he's got a grenade
in his mouth

☻Dear Mammy love annie

There was a young girl from Wick, who asked her mum what's a prick, her mother said
Annie it goes up your fanny and jumps up and down till it's sick.

☻Cock Sucker Detecotor

This is acock sucker detector

Please blow in the phone..... .. scanning....

The test was positive 90percent sperm breath...

cOCK SUCKER !!

☻Pink Vagina
Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?
A pink rose with loveley details.
And after sex?
Boy, ever seen a bulldog eating maiyonnaise?

☻Red Riding Hood

Bad wolf told red riding hood. Lift your top so ican suck your tits.
No she said lifting her skirt.
Eat me like the fucking book says!

☻Fuck for money

sex is good sex is funny many people fuck for money
but if you think sex is funny fuck yourself and safe your money

☻Luv me tender,luv me sweet,rap ur lips around my meat,watch & smile,watch me

grin,watch thecum drip down mychin!

☻5 reasons not 2 b a penis

1)ur bald ur entire life
2)both ur naybors r nutz
3)an arsehole lives b'hind u
4)ur bestm8s acunt
5)wen xcited u throw up den faint!

☻Sex is real evil,sex is a sin,moaning and groaning as he slides slowly in,itcant last
4eva,I no it's a shame,dat 1 night of passion leads to 9months of pain!

☻Ill fuck you standing,I fuck you lying,If I had wings Id fuck you flying,if you were
dead,your not forgotten,ill dig you up and fuck you rotten!

☻Beat me eat me bite my bum, whip me strip me make mecum, suck me fuck me and
lick me out,then tickle my nipples until I shout!

☻3 advantages of gettin a £50 note tattood on urcock:

1- Ucan play wiv ur money,
2- Ucan see ur money grow
3- Ur girlcan blow as much money as she wants

☻D boys say i luv u,U beleve its true,9months l8r he says to hell wiv u,D baby is a
bastard,D mother is a whore,Nun of dis wood av happened if d rubber hadnt tore!

☻I like your style, I like yourclass, but most of all i like your arse!

☻Cat & Rooster walkin near d pool,Cat falls in the pool,Rooster starts laughin,Moral of
d story?..Wen ever theres a happycock theres a wet pussy!

☻Roses are red, Pickles are green, I love your legs & whats in between!

☻There are 206 bones in your body! Would u like another?

☻Is it d whiskey dat makes u frisky.Is it d brandy dat makes u randy,Is it d gin dat makes
u slip in,Is it d rum dat makes ucum!

☻I want triplets, You want twins, Lets get in bed and see who wins!

☻HOW 2 SATISFY A WOMAN;caress, excite,cuddle, fascinate, spoil, kiss, rub, tease,

pamper,console, worship, respect & love.HOW 2 SATISFY A MAN; blow job

☻Life is like a dick! When it's hard Fuck it!

☻Zippy & Bungle,went 2 da jungle havin sum marvelous fun, Zippy got silly,popped out
his willy & stuck it up Bungles bum!

☻LETS PLAY WAR!! You lay down and i'll blow the shit out of you!

☻When i was a girl,i had a little quim,i sat upon my bed & put a finger in,now im a
woman & full of grace &charm,Ican get 4fingers in & HALF MY FUCKIN ARM!!

☻Virginity is like a balloon, one prick and it's gone forever!

☻There was a young girlcalled heather,whoscunt lips were made of leather they made a
strange noise that attracted the boys by flapping the edges together

☻little miss drugy sat in a buggy smoking a pipe of weed alongcame a spider skinned up
beside her and sold her some acid and speed .

☻Jack & Jill went 2 the dairy, Jack popped out his big'n airy, Jill said "WOW WOT A
WHOPPER let's go home & DO IT PROPER

☻what do you do if a irish man through's a pin at you ... ... you runcause he's got a
grenade in his mouth

☻There was a young girl from Wick, who asked her mum what's a prick, her mother said
Annie it goes up your fanny and jumps up and down till it's sick.
☻This is acock sucker detector

Please blow in the phone..... .. scanning....

The test was positive 90percent sperm breath...

COCK SUCKER !!

☻Dad, what does a vagina look like before sex?

A pink rose with loveley details.
And after sex?
Boy, ever seen a bulldog eating maiyonnaise?

☻Bad wolf told red riding hood. Lift your top so ican suck your tits.
No she said lifting her skirt.
Eat me like the fucking book says!

☻sex is good sex is funny many people fuck for money

but if you think sex is funny fuck yourself and safe your money

☻What sexual position do you have to be in to make the most ugliest kid?…. ask your
parents

☻What 2 things in the air can make a girl pregnant? HER FEET

☻A train is bout 2 crash!A frantic virgin strips off & says "can any1 make me feel like a
woman b4 i die?" So a man takes off his clothes & says "iron these!"

☻Wots da closest thing to a womans period? ur salary! It cums once a month.lasts About
3 or 4 days & if it doesnt cum every1s in trouble!

☻Old chinese proverb says "man with erection walking through door sideways is always
going to Bangkok"

☻Virginity is like a balloon one prick and it's gone forever!

☻Sex is like a pack of Pringles! Once you pop you can't stop!!

We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still

searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...!
☻I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS
YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT
YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING

☻All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be
found in two, is less than what I feel for you.

☻If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

☻When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty
to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

☻Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and
perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!

☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.

☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

☻Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…

☻Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just
pluck them from your dreams......

☻My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...

☻Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?
☻I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

☻Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…

☻If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…

☻Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!

☻Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR:

Your penis was not found! Sorry..............

☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

☻It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing
football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting
further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy
dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

☻Why were males created before females?

Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

☻I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you
in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

☻Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll
clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot
and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

A:About 45 pounds!!
☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning
she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that thing?

☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?

Popeye beat the crap outta him.

☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of
down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?

If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this
thing?"

☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?

Magnets have a positive side!

☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your

action.

☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?

Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh!

☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

You don't, you've told her twice already!

☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?

One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a
little too high.

☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't
come back for a day and a half.

☻I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?

Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

☻For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

☻Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

☻Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

☻What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.
☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.

☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An f****ing know it all.

☻ A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender
says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

☻ Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

☻ I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

☻ Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is
chinese.

☻ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

☻I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking
good either.

☻ It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

☻ I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

☻ Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.

☻ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

☻ I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

☻ My Reality Check bounced.

☻ Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

☻ Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your
computer.

☻ Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!

☻Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

☻Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

☻There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

☻Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back

☻As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

☻Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

☻What do you call a handcuffed man?

- Trustworthy.

☻What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute
packing plant

☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

☻A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

☻Why don't men often show their true feelings?

- Because they don't have any. 1

☻What's the difference between a man and E.T.?

- E.T. phoned home.

☻What is the thinnest book in the world?

What Men Know About Women.

☻A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

☻Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering

☻How Dogs and Women are alike.....

Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.
☻Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have
preferred.

☻If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?

☻Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

☻If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

☻Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs
spend their lives.

☻I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

☻I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.

☻Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

☻A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double
entendre" - so he gave her one!

☻Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in
here"

☻A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of
joke?"

☻A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

☻A dyslexic man walks into a bra

☻A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and
one for the road."

☻A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and
announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

☻Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal
work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

☻I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but
unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

☻Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,
proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing
football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting
further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy
dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

☻Why were males created before females?

Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

☻I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in
my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

☻Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll
clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot
and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

A:About 45 pounds!!

☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning
she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that thing?

☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?

Popeye beat the crap outta him.
☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of
down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?

If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this
thing?"

☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?

Magnets have a positive side!

☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your

action.

☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?

The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?

Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

☻What do Germans use for birth control?

Their personalities!

☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh!

☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

You don't, you've told her twice already!
☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One fucked the miners, the other fucked the Majors

☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a
little too high.

☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't
come back for a day and a half.

☻What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?

A man who's too drunk to follow orders.

☻I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?

Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

☻For sale : Air Bags, Used once.

☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

☻What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

☻What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.

☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An fucking know it all.

☻A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender
says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

☻Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

☻Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

☻Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is
chinese.

☻What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

☻Q: How did the Pollack burn his face?

A: Bobbing for french fries.

☻Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia?

A: One has a real live culture.

☻Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag?

A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you
carry groceries in.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive across the road.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mummy.
Mummy who?
Mummeasles are better so can I come in?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I called by?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last bus home.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
York.
York who?
York coming over to my place tonight?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel broken? I had to knock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma's gone?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked - that's why I knocked.
☻friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but only u can feel its true
warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants xxxx

☻(_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse
(_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!

☻He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he
was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!

☻Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a
small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!

☻Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!

☻T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except
u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network

☻I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today.
Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!

Kiss's r blown + kiss's r wasted kiss's rnt kiss's unless they r tasted, kiss's spread germz +
germz hated, so kiss me BABE im vacinated!

☻How many letters are in the Alphabet?? Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a UFO
and the FBI went after him!

☻last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky.... then I
thought where the fuck is my roof??

☻mary had a little lamb,its name was little ralph,its burnin in a field right nowcos its got
foot and mouth

☻What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?

Some traffic signs say stop

☻This is your mobile operator and we just found out you are too dumb to use your
phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it . Thank you

☻what did the blondes womens left leg say to the blonde womens right leg? don't know
they never met!

☻Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry

370HSSV 0773H
☻This time im sure about wat i feel & im gonna say it
i
il
i lo
i lov
i love
i love y
i love yo
i love young girls with Shaven Pussys!

☻Mary had 2 little lambs their names were Jack and Gypsy. One day they got foot and
mouth and now they're black andcrispy.

☻Group of sheep in field, one says i dont feel well. The others reply shut the fuck up
your get us all shot.

☻Your teeth are so yellow, ican't believe it's not butter!!!

☻Your birthcertificate is an apology letter from thecondom factory.

☻Yo mama's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her.

☻Mary had a smelly minge with pubes as dark ascharcoal.So most the men go round the
back and stick it up her arsehole!

☻mary had a little lamb she also had a duck, she put them on the mantlepiece to see if
they would fuck!

☻whats the difference between a mini tampon..a middle tampon and a large
tampon?....they r all stuck upcunts!

☻sex is like maths: Add the bed, subtractclothes, divide the legs...
and MULTIPLY!

☻how do you keep an idiot in suspense ??? ............. ............ ...tell you later !!!

☻At this moment 5 million are having sex 2 million are in gun fights 91milliom at a
party and one sad fucker is reading this SMS

☻farmer Joneshas got no sheep,

isn't life a drag?
coz they're all burning in a field
he's got no sheep to shag
☻*Newsflash*
The FA have just announced gary gliter the next Englandcoach.
The appontmentcollapsed after he tried to put seaman in the under 15's

☻ba ba white sheep grazing on sum grass when a maff official shoots it up the ass burnt
by mornin fumes fill the sky less meat 4 kebabs & shepherds pie

☻!!News flash!!
Indian earthquake kills 50 000!
USA sending food.
Australia sendingclothes.
britain sending ... ... ... Replacements

Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough

about ME! How are you? 

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!  

☻How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...! 

☻***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal! 

☻Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry

370HSSV 0773H 

☻FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now

searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found. 

☻Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r. 

☻Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god

harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text! 

☻Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -

Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost! 

☻I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til
my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias! 

☻Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button
you'll be disconnected! 
☻HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you
gonna hide ME?

☻This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your
phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you 

☻Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it. 

☻A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?

His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone 

☻Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken! 

☻I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT
ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok! 

☻Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

☻Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else. 

☻I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative. 

☻How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went
after him. 

☻Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too... 

☻U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....shit...I got
wrong number...SORRY :) 

☻I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex,
I need YOU! 

☻On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key. 

☻The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our
children. 

☻Nope.....u still ugly! 

☻Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty. 

☻What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come. 

☻Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT
RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL
IS BROKEN.' 

☻Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science
will come up with somin to help u. 

☻I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass. 

☻How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect
her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer. 

☻How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away! 

☻It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it. 

☻Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!  

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! 

☻You are here: X 

☻Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me
goo, & dropped her at da end of da block. 

☻In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can
go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy. 

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?  

☻Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole! 

☻Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind. 

☻Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

A: Because she threw out all the bent ones. 

☻What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u
2, don't start anything. 

☻Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know? 

☻Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The
Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.' 

☻Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick"
Boss asks: "How sick are u?"
Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???" 

☻Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!  

☻Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that's between! 

☻I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS! 

☻Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for
people wid ur face - NO SEX! 

☻When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready
to ..WOOPS...wrong number.... 

☻U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can
multiply! 

☻Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move. 

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

☻Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides. 

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.  

☻I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check. 

☻The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.  

☻There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application
of high explosives. 
☻Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.  

☻You may be recognized soon. Hide. 

☻Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.  

☻He who laughs last thinks slowest. 

☻Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.  

☻I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.  

☻Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???  

☻Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.  

☻If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.  

☻You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.  

☻My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch 

☻If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me 

☻Mind intentionally left blank...  

☻I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem 

☻Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. 

☻Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.  

☻If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.  

☻Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this
before. 

☻If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?  

☻The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.  

☻It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he
ran into me. Backwards. 17 times. 
☻Born Free........Taxed to Death. 

☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still

searching...sorry NO BRAIN found 

☻I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip. 

☻Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness. 

☻My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading. 

☻Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to
find brain...leaving now... 

☻Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key. 

☻What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' 

☻Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

 ☻Celibacy is not hereditary

☻Familiarity breeds children

☻Life is sexually transmitted

☻We do precision guesswork

☻Born free . . . Taxed to death

☻If it's too loud, you're too old

☻Common sense isn't common

☻Nothing succeeds like excess

☻Do pilots take crash-courses?

☻If it ain't broke, fix it until it is

☻The older I get, the older old is

☻Relax, its only Ones and Zeros

☻A closed mouth gathers no feet

☻Do witches run spell checkers?

☻I don't get even . . . . . I get odder

☻Allow me to introduce my selves

☻A feature is a bug with seniority

☻If I throw a stick, will you leave?

☻Justice: A decision in your favor

☻Strip mining prevents forest fires

☻A waist is a terrible thing to mind

☻Do not disturb. Already disturbed

☻Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

☻Today's subliminal message is . . .

☻Demons are a Ghouls best Friend

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death. 

☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides. 

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck! 

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species. 

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW! 

☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering. 

☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 

☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick. 

☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school. 

☻Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

☻Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

☻Fuck Me...are those real?

☻Be unique and different, just say yes.

☻Can I flirt with you?

☻Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.

☻Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really
kickin.

☻Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators,
and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
☻Umh, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

☻Darling, I'm new in this town - dya think I could have

directions to your house.

☻I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbour ... what say we
tie up for the night?

☻I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

☻If you don't wanna have kids with me, then why don't we
just practice?

☻Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?

☻That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my

bed.

☻Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look

that good.

☻A hangover is the wrath of grapes

☻Everyone is entitled to my opinion

☻If it ain't chocolate, it ain't dessert

☻I don't work here. I'm a consultant

☻Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes

☻The best things in life aren't things

☻I like feminists; I think they're cute

☻I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable

☻Does killing time damage eternity?

☻How can there be self-help groups?

☻"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy

☻BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy

☻Have a nice day. . . somewhere else

☻Guilt -- the gift that keeps on giving

☻Exceptions always outnumber rules

☻Adults are just kids who owe money

☻All stressed out and no one to choke

☻Constipated people don't give a crap

☻I may not be perfect, but I'm all I got

☻Where there's a will, I want to be in it

☻Anything not nailed down is a cat toy

☻Never miss a good chance to shut up

☻All computers wait at the same speed

☻Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

☻How do you get off a non-stop flight?

☻How come night falls but day breaks?

☻How do I set the laser printer to stun?

☻If we quit voting will they all go away?

☻Is it time for your medication or mine?

☻INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)

☻I'm not getting older...I'm getting bitter

☻When all else fails manipulate the data

☻I'm as confused as a termite in a yo-yo

☻Insanity is my only means of relaxation

☻No guts, no glory, no brain, same story

☻Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw

☻I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert

☻I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier

☻When money talks, the criminal walks

Q. WHY DID SANTA SING TAKE OFF HIS CLOTHES WHILE WRITING EXAMS?

A. COZ IT WAS WRITTEN IN THE PAPER"ANSWER IN BRIEF. 

☻Q. WHAT IS THE HEIGHT OF LAZINESS?

A. A COUPLE ADOPTING A CHILD.

☻Q. WHAT IS THE HEIGHT OF POSSESSIVENESS?

a. constiPATION.

☻Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A WOMAN WHO KNOWS WHERE HER HUSBAND
IS EVERY NIGHT?

A. WIDOW

☻Q. WHY AMERICANS STOP PRINTING STAMPS WITH PHOTO OF PAMEELA

ANDERSON?

A. COZ PEOPLE STARTED LICKING THE WRONG SIDE OF IT FOR PASTING

THEM ON THE ENVELOPES.

☻Q. WHAT DOES 98 STAND FOR IN WINDOWS 98?

A. IT STANDS FOR NUMBER OF TIMES IT HANGS IN A DAY.

☻Q. WHY DID BANTA SINGH TAKE HIS PREGNANT WIFE TO PIZZA
CORNER?

A. FOR FREE DELIVERY.

☻Q. HOW WOULD YOU IDENTIFY BANTA SINGH IN A SUBMARINE?

A. HE WILL BE THE ONLY ONE WITH A PARACHUTE TIED TO HIS BACK.

☻q. what would you call a sardar with just one hair on his head?

a. iqbal singh.
☻Q. HOW TO MAKE TTK LAUGH ON SUNDAY?

A. BY TELLING HER A JOKE ON THURSDAY.

ONCE A NUN GOES FOR A URINE EXAMINATION AND THE SAMPLES GET
MIXED UP. the report indicates she is pregnant. WHEN SHE GETS THE REPORT,
SHE EXCLAIMS, "OH JESUS!! NOW WE CAN NOT EVEN RELY ON CANDLES"

☻Q. WHAT DID BANTA SINGH SAY WHEN HE SAW A BANANA PEEL?

A. "OH! I AM GOING TO SLIP AGAIN.

☻Q. WHICH IS THE SHORTEST JOKE? 

A. SANTA SINGH AND BANTA SINGH PLAYING CHESS.

☻Q. WHICH BROTHER OF KALIDAS MAKES SHOES?

A. ADIDAS
 

☻Wot's the best thing about babies ?

MAKING THEM !

☻If i guard you with my life,

Will u be my wife ?

☻Girls are like roads,

More the curves,
More the dangerous they are.

☻Love is Photogenic, 
it needs darkness to develop.

☻Messages are given to 

Those who are apart
But what shall i give
When you are in my heart.