Caring for one another

Pastoral Care Training for Kaikorai Church

Prepared by Ian Guy October 2009

"Carry each other's burdens and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ... Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."
Galatians 6:2, 10

2|Page

Contents
Introduction Getting Acquainted Bible Study: Tend my Sheep Bible Study: The example of Jesus What is Pastoral Care? Why have Pastoral Care Who does Pastoral Care How do we do it? How do we perceive our gifts as Pastoral Carers? Scriptures on caring and the priesthood of all Believers Visiting the Sick Walking deep a think piece The importance and difficulty of Listening Being in a caring Relationship Verbal Listening Skills The practices of a Good Listener The Ministry of Listening Listen a poem Telecare Dos and Dont of Listening Referral How to refer The Carer is a Professional A Friend in need a poem this page page 3 page 4 page 5 page 6 page 8 page 8 page 9 page 10 page page page page page page page page page page page page page page page 11 12 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 25 26 27

Pastoral care has always been important in the life of the Church. Here at Kaikorai
both formal and informal care has been shared on a regular basis to ensure that all people know they are appreciated, cared for, and of value. However it's fair to say that we have not been caring for each other as well as we could - too many people are slipping through the gaps. To overcome this we are in the process of tweaking the organisation of Pastoral Care to ensure that everyone receives appropriate care, when and where needed. While the Parish Council, especially the Minister, carry the responsibility for pastoral care they must be supported by a number of others who will provide much of the actual care. You are here today because your church recognises the role you already have in pastoral care, and/or the potential to develop your skills and commitment to this vital ministry. Over the next 3 weeks we will discuss the biblical foundations for pastoral care What is Pastoral Care; o Aspects of pastoral care Visiting Practical help Prayer Listening referring

3|Page

Getting Acquainted1
Some of you may know a large number of your fellow participants; others of you may know only a few. The group is too large for you to meet everyone meaningfully in this session. At times during the course of the training you will be working in smaller groups of between two and six people called where you will get to know each other well and hopefully where there will be significant sharing and caring taking place during our time together. To begin the process I am going to ask you to pair off and share with one another. 1. First, pair up with someone you dont know (or dont know well) and share for a minute each why you signed up for the Pastoral Carers Training course and what will make this a worthwhile experience for you. 2.Now join your pair to another pair whom you dont know (or dont know well) and share with each other how it feels to be here at the Pastoral Carers Training course (your hopes, your fears, your excitement, your nervousness, etc.). You have three minutes, forty-five seconds each. 3. Join your group of four people with another half group, so that you now have a group of six people. Some groups of four will have to split into two pairs and attach themselves to other groups of four. Do not get into a grouping with your spouse if he/she is present. Try to include both men and women in your group. You now have thirty seconds each to tell the other members of your group the meaning or significance of your first name to you or the person who named you. 4. Pair up with one of the persons in your group of six whom you dont know well and spend five minutes each interviewing the other so that you will be able to introduce that person to the rest of the group in a few minutes. Take some notes if that will make it easier. You might ask questions, for example, about their work, family, hobbies, church involvement, why they are here, anything you would like to know about them and they are willing to share. 5. Now each of you is asked to take up to two minutes to introduce another to the rest of your group of six.

Dennis L Butcher

Developing the Caring Community, The Alban Institute, pg 12ff

4|Page

Bible Study: Tend my Sheep

Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood. Acts 20:28 (NIV) Read and discuss Ezekiel 34:2-6, 10-16 / Zechariah 11:15-17 Are the weak being strengthened? Are the injured and sick being cared for/healed? Are the strays/lost searched for? What efforts are made to bring them back? Are the healthy nurtured?

John 10:3-5, 11-16 Do you know the sheep by name? Do you use their names, in prayer and when you are with them? In what sense do you lay your life down for the sheep? Is this church bringing in and holding other sheep?

John 21:15-17 How have we shown our love for Christ by feeding and tending his sheep? What have been our most successful ways of feeding the sheep?

1 Peter 5:1-5 Do we have a sense that the sheep are entrusted to us? What sort of example are we setting? Do we model a spirituality that others find attractive?

Ephesians 4:11-16 Hows our equipping ministry? Are we seeing people develop and use their gifts? How are people being prepared in terms of Christ-like character?

5|Page

Bible Study the example of Jesus

Questions for Discussion How did Jesus show care for others? What aspects of [daily] life was Jesus concerned about? What were the changes that an encounter with Jesus brought? How may you/we be different if you/we cared as Jesus cared? Luke 9: 10-17 The Feeding of the 5000

Matthew 20:29-34

Healing of the Blind Men

Luke 19:1-10

Zaccheus

Mark 5:1-20

The Demon Possessed Man

John 2:1-11

Water into Wine

John 11:1-44

Lazarus, Mary & Martha

6|Page

What is Pastoral Care

Pastoral Care is a Ministry which draws on the resources of the gospel to help people relate in a healthy way to God, themselves and others. Pastoral Care (the cure of souls) brings the gospel to bear on individual needs and circumstances. Through pastoral care to each other we express Gods care for each one of us. The overarching goal of all pastoral care is to promote the full wellbeing of people and to assist them in the ongoing conversion that is a part of Christian life. 2 Pastoral Care reflects our commitment to share the love of Jesus with individuals and families Pastoral Care is a response to the need that everyone has for warmth, nurture, support, and caring.3 Pastoral care involves shepherding the flock; it is a loving way of caring for people rather than controlling them. ...Shepherding involves protection, tending to needs, strengthening the weak, encouragement, feeding the flock, making provision, shielding, refreshing, restoring, leading by example to move people on in their pursuit of holiness, comforting, guiding (Pss 78: 52; 23)1

What is Pastoral care?

Spend a few minutes thinking about pastoral care that you may have received how was that care for you? Was it helpful? How do you like to be cared for? ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________________________

Anglican General Synod Making Connections, Theological Leadership and the Australian Church (Anglican General Synod, Sydney, 2001) 3 Howard Clinebell Basic Types of Pastoral Care & Counselling. (Abingdon, Press, Nashville, 1984)

7|Page Henri Nouwen says that real care excludes indifference and is the opposite of apathy. The word care finds its roots in the Gothic Kara which meant lament. The basic meaning of care then is: to grieve, to experience sorrow, to cry out with. Some stories of what might be termed pastoral care: An elderly lady on the fringe of the church is visited by a church member and told that she is now part of a care and share group. All in the group will care for each other by phone and sometimes meet with each other. Elderly lady does not know any of the others in the group. The church member is the leader of the group. The elderly lady is not impressed. A little girl is late home from school and her parents are anxious. When she arrives home, she tells her parents she is late because her friend dropped her china doll and it broke into pieces. So you stayed to help her pick up the pieces said her mother. No' said the little girl I stayed to help her cry. A young family have just arrived into the area and are asked to a neighbours home for a meal and to meet some members of the local church. An elder rings those he wants to contact at dinner-time because he knows they will be home then. An old gentleman in a nursing home is visited each Tuesday morning by a church member who reads to him. He eagerly awaits his visitor. A church member calls on people who come to church occasionally and wants to speak with them about their personal salvation. Leslie Newbigin, in his book The good shepherd, says Pastoral care represents the loving, caring relationship of God. Every member of the congregation is cared for and visited not because they are useful for the parish program, or influential or helpful but simply because they are one of Gods children to be loved and respected as they are. Every person in this great global village matters to God. God has called the church to be a vehicle of Christs love and concern to all people. One way of expressing this is by pastoral care. Pastoral care can be visiting, phoning, being with at church, welcoming, being interested in, giving practical help, having quality time when you meet by accident or by arrangement, giving support, etc.

Which of these stories demonstrates pastoral care for you? Comment

Every member of the congregation is cared for ... not because they are useful for the parish program, ... but simply because they are one of Gods children to be loved and respected as they are.

8|Page

Why have Pastoral Care?

In Matthew 22: 37-39 it says love God with all your heart, mind and spirit and love your neighbour as yourself. This is the commandment Jesus left with us. We are called to be the people of God ministering to one another using the gifts we have been given. As pastoral carers we share Gods love with the people. We accept them as they are. We are all loved by God and we care to show unconditional positive regard, a regard with no strings attached, no constraints but a genuine concern for them in their journey through life in both joy and sorrow. We have not come to deliver the newsletter or to collect money. We have come to be with them and maybe to share one anothers burdens. We go to visit representing the church and showing that the church is a caring community and that God is at work in the world We go to share our faith (not always in words ) and to listen to what they may wish to share We might make contact because of a special celebration We make contact because we have missed them at worship and feel the lack of their presence I our community We make contact because we are interested in them and we care. Every human being has a great, yet often unknown, gift to care, to be compassionate, to be present to the other, to listen, to hear and to receive. This then leaves us with some questions: How can we be or become a caring community, a community of people not trying to cover the pain or to avoid it by sophisticated bypasses, but rather share it as the source of healing and new life? Do we see pastoral caring as an important part of our church life? _________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________ Is pastoral care still relevant? ________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________

Who does Pastoral Care?

Pastoral care begins in the worship service where the means of grace are exercised, the Word is read and preached, prayers are said and sung, the Lords Supper is celebrated, and believers are baptised and welcomed. For most church members, worship is the place where they are taught faith, where they pray, where they are washed and fed. All other pastoral care derives from and builds on gathering for worship with the people of God. Pastoral care is feeding and caring for the people of God, who Christ calls his sheep (John 21:15-17). Three times Jesus says to Peter, Feed, tend my sheep. Jesus had set an example of this feeding as he read and interpreted Scripture to the crowds and as he fed them generously with bread and fish. Peter and the other disciples shared a meal at which Jesus washed them, taught them, and fed them with bread and wine. They had seen him pray and had received a model prayer from him. So who does Pastoral Care? In particular the minister and elders, specialised carers - people with appropriate gifts, group leaders and every church member. Caring for one another is a shared responsibility.

9|Page

How do we do it?
Blockages or barriers?
General malaise too busy too many to care for fear of being intrusive shyness lack of confidence pressure of business commitments, not knowing what to say embarrassment in sharing faith, not knowing the best way to help fear of getting too involved, confidentiality feeling overloaded carrying past hurts of not being cared for being indifferent to others needs not seeing the need seeing church community another way.

Ways forward
Strategies
Friendship network Life transitions e.g. birthdays etc carers letter contact every three months letters or phone calls to those not attending meals for newcomers small groups, etc.

Pastoral Care Ministry may involve

visiting someone at home or in the hospital after an accident or illness offering to drive a shut-in to church, shopping, or appointment sharing a moment of prayer with a person waiting for a test or operation visiting or inviting a recently bereaved person to dinner assisting the parents of a teenager who has run away listening to someone talk about their problems suggesting the name of a trusted pastor or counsellor to a troubled teen. sharing your own experience of the gospel. sharing information on self help or support group that might be helpful to someone experiencing difficulty Supporting the recently bereaved: through spiritual and emotional support, as well as funeral and memorial services, and anniversaries. Visiting the sick at home and/or in hospital Helping in the serving of Home communion. Home cleansings & blessings Prayer encouragement, blessing, healing, strength, hope, compassion, care.

10 | P a g e

HOW DO WE PERCEIVE OUR GIFTS AS PASTORAL CARERS

Pastoral care is understood and recognised in many different ways. Often very ordinary acts of love become channels of God's grace and mercy. From the list below, identify which you would see as * * * 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. (S) (A) (D) a strength you feel confident about or you are adequate but you need encouragement to do or difficult to do and you needs lots of encouragement.

Meeting new people Inviting them for a coffee Writing messages of care Remembering birthdays etc Inviting to special events Being present in times of grief Encouraging gifts in others Phoning to catch up Visiting homes Sharing your faith Visiting hospitals Praying personally with someone Cooking a casserole Offering practical help others

11 | P a g e

Scriptures on Caring and Priesthood of believers

John 13:34, 35I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. Matthew 20:26-28It will not be so among you; but whoever wishes to be great among you must be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you must be your slave; just as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many. 2 Corinthians 5:19, 20That is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting the message of reconciliation to us. So we are ambassadors for Christ, since God is making his appeal through us; we entreat you on behalf of Christ be reconciled to God. Galatians 6:1, 2My friends, if anyone is detected in a transgression, you who have received the Spirit should restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness. Take care that you yourselves are not tempted. Bear one anothers burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ. Ephesians 4:11, 12The gifts he gave were that some would be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ. 1 Peter 2:9, 10But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation. Gods own people, in order that you may proclaim the mighty acts of him who called you out of darkness into his marvellous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are Gods people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. 1 Peter 5:1-4Now as an elder myself and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, as well as one who shares in the glory to be revealed, I exhort the elders among you to tend the flock of God that is in your charge, exercising the oversight, not under compulsion but willingly, as God would have you do it not for sordid gain but eagerly. Do not lord it over those in your charge, but be examples to the flock. And when the chief shepherd appears, you will win the crown of glory that never fades away. 1 John 4:19-21We love because he first loved us. Those who say, I love God, and hate their brothers or sisters, are liars; for those who do not love a brother or sister whom they have seen, cannot love God whom they have not seen. The commandment we have from him is this: those who love God must love their brothers and sisters also.

We love because he first loved us.

New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright 1989, Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America.

12 | P a g e

Visiting the Sick, Rest home resident, or Shut-in

Introduce yourself if you are not acquainted with the person. Give your name, the name of your church, and the reason for your visit. If the person is sleeping or out of the room and will not be returning shortly (check with the staff), write a note or leave a calling card. Dont stay too long, particularly on a hospital Dont stay too long visitfrequently five or ten minutes is enough for someone who is acutely ill. Rudolph E. Grantham, in his book, Lay Shepherding4, comments, How long you stay is usually determined by your closeness to the patient, his or her physical and emotional condition at the time, and the purpose of your visit. To some, we are a necessary source of strength, to others, a good friend who wears like an old shoe and to other patients; we are guests who must be entertained. It should be noted that home visits and visits to those in rest homes can usually last longer than hospital calls. Watch the patients nonverbal behaviour, especially facial expressions, for indications that it is time to leave. Be aware that patients will sometimes act in unusual ways, not only because of shock or the effects of illness, but because of medication. Sit in a place where you can be seen easily. If the person is not able to roll over or sit up, remain standing so he or she can look at you without tiring. It is best to visit a hospital patient during visiting hours. Likewise, in a nursing home or even private residence, find out what times would be ideal for visiting (avoid naptimes and mealtimes). Introduce yourself to staff. Knock on the door before you enter. If medical personnel arrive to perform certain procedures, excuse yourself and return when they have finished. If the person is asleep, leave a note and return at another time. If you wish to offer help, be specific. The care you give is not just for the person in the bed, but also for the relatives and close friends. Part of your time may be spent with them. But do remember that the last sense people lose is their sense of hearing, and be careful when talking in a quiet voice to nurses or relatives. Hushed conversation can indicate to the sick individualeven one who is comatosethat things are worse than they seem, or even that death may be imminent. When speaking to the patient, adjust your voice level to the individuals hearingespecially if he or she wears a hearing aid. It is helpful occasionally to ask if you are speaking too softly, or too loudly, or too quickly. Use physical gestures to express your caringtouching, patting, stroking, and so forth. When praying, listen to the patients requests. Do not assume you know what they are. Ask, What concerns would you like to offer to God? and invite the person to join you in offering prayers. Use the patients first name in prayer. Encourage hope without giving false assurances. One good rule is to enter the room with a neutral mood toneno excessive joy or sympathy. It is better for you to adjust to the patients mood than for him or her to adjust to yours. Begin by asking, How is it going? which allows them to state how they are, honestly (including fears). Listen carefully to what is concerning or upsetting the person and do not make assumptions about what might be the problem.

Rudolph E. Grantham, Lay Shepherding, Judson Press, copyright 1980. pg 46

13 | P a g e Try to help the person relax and use your time effectively. You cannot do this unless you are relaxed. Many people may not know how to act during your visitespecially those who are not close to the churchso be sensitive to this possibility. Prepare yourself to work with the sick, pray for Gods guidance. For a vital preparation and source of strength, keep your personal relationship with God in order. When you enter the room, note the patients physical situation (connection to tubes, traction, casts, heart monitor, etc.) to determine mobility, discomfort level. Do not ask a patient about the diagnosis or prognosis. It is better to ask, How are things going? or use a similar openended question. Accept the patient where he or she is. With many (but not all) people, openly acknowledging the urine bag, the artificial leg, and so on, helps relieve any embarrassment or emotional discomfort caused by such conditions. Dont bring the sick or shut-in your diseases; if you are unwell, stay home. Calls can be expected or unannounced. Each way has its advantages and disadvantages. Do remember that for many people your visit is probably eagerly anticipated. It is also usually best, and always polite, to telephone a shut-in at home before you stop by. Try not to show horror or shock in your face when you first see a person who is disfigured or has a foul-smelling cancer or other extreme condition. Do not pretend it doesnt exist; just try to be undisturbed by it and focus on the persons needs. Try not to apologise for not coming sooner or more often. An apology is actually about you and not the other and generally requires some form of response from them. Visiting the sick is not time to tell other horror stories you have heard. Sometimes the sick want nothing more than someone with whom they feel comfortable, who will sit by them and be present without much talk. Do a lot of listening. Dont play doctor. A patient who wants specific information on his or her condition can be urged to make a list of questions and ask the physician. You can also remind a patient that a second medical opinion is possible if it is wanted. You can then respond to the feelings of fear or uncertainty that underlie these questions. When using Scriptures, keep in mind that the Lords Prayer, 23rd Psalm, or other portions that are well known to the person are frequently among the most effective passages you can use. Use scriptures that communicate Gods love, presence, forgiveness, acceptance, and grace. Share faith where appropriate. Never lay a guilt trip on a patient. Even when are person is comatose it is appropriate to pray for them (out loud so they hear it) and to read the Scriptures or maybe a suitable poem. Where a person is close to death dont avoid the topic. Allow them to talk and to express their fears, questions, relief (avoid looking shocked). Help them to explore their feelings. Be prepared to hear their confession, listen dont judge, and do give them assurance of Gods forgiveness. If the patient indicates a desire for his or her minister to visit, or for communion, refer such requests to the minister as soon as possible.

14 | P a g e If the patient is long term and you are planning to visit again, it may be helpful to tell the patient you plan to see him/her again, but please do not promise what you cannot carry out. Thank him/her for the time you have had together. Affirm him/her as a person. If you enjoyed the visit, say so. Offer prayer. May I pray with/for you? is a better question than would you like me to pray? God be with you, God bless you, or some other benediction may be appropriate, if you feel comfortable with using one. Be yourself.

WALKING DEEP
For me, to love is to die a thousand deaths. It is to enter into, with fear and trembling, that inner sanctuary where a person stands stripped of his pretences. It is to become painfully aware of anothers selfhis loneliness, his unspoken fears, his feelings of inadequacy. It is to be swept in ecstasy to the heavens in sheer delight at the uniqueness, and at the same time plunged into the pit of hell for fear that this unique, unrepeatable person should be snatched away in death or far worse damnation. It is to burn with desire to give, not just money and giftsthough, of course these will be given in a nearly reckless mannerbut to give happiness, security, assurance, contentment of being loved and yet at the same time to nearly die of anxiety for fear of appearing to rush things, to cause fear where we only wish to give joy. It is not easy to love one anotherthere are no rules when to say this or that, when to act or when to wait. All I know is that when we walk deep within another, we must tiptoe and not arrange their house according to our plans. To bother to really care calls for the highest courage; perhaps that is why there are so few who really do it. Anonymous

15 | P a g e

The Importance & Difficulty of Listening

In a caring relationship the primary ingredient is the ability to listen well. Persons who are experiencing difficulty have a need to share their deepest feelings about their predicament, and caregivers, if they are to be of help, must listen to the feelings and meanings that the person shares. Remembering that any good conversation starts with good listening. A warm and empathetic listener can help the person in need develop understanding of his or her situation and make changes necessary for the resolution of the problem. Moreover to say that a person feels listened to means a lot more than just their ideas get heard. It's a sign of respect. It makes people feel valued."5 Listening is not something that comes easily and naturally to most human beings. According to a speech communications expert Dr. Harrel T. Allen, Listening is hard work and requires increased energyyour heart speeds up, your blood circulates faster, your temperature goes up. Most of us think that because we can hear, we know how to listen. But --listening and hearing are not the same. Most of us easily take in other people's words, but the truth is that we find it nearly impossible to turn off the talking inside of our own heads, to avoid the temptation to interrupt, or to remain present and available to the conversation as it unfolds. A good listener is dynamically engaged, is speaking as well as listening. When we are actively engaged in the whole conversation, we are not just waiting passively for our time to talk. Because the listening process is dynamic and complex, it involves attention and presence at many levels. The good listener understands this complexity and works continually to clarify and refine it. What are the qualities of a good listener? It begins with paying attention, concentration. Unfortunately we all listen to other people through a thick screen of physical and psychological distractions which can only he penetrated by deliberately applying the power of the mind. Usually physical distractions can be eliminated or reduced but the distractions generated within ones own head are far more difficult. Since we can think at four times the rate of speech, people on the listening side of a dialogue get carried away by their own thoughts. We tend to
5

Every good conversation begins with good listening.

Listening is not something that comes easily and naturally to most human beings.

Listening and hearing are not the same thing.

The saddest part about being human is not paying attention. Presence is the gift of life. Stephen Levine Author

Deborah Tannen, Author and Professor of Linguistics, Georgetown University

16 | P a g e anticipate what is coming rather than following what is said in the present. For good listening to take place we must accept the speaker for who he or she is. It is often difficult to accept the person if we cannot accept their behaviour or actions, which get in the way of our real listening. Human nature makes us want to hear only what pleases us and to reject that which does not. To be a good listener we have to be non-judgmental in our attitude, guarding against the tendency to exercise emotional censorshipto block out ideas and feelings which we would rather not hear. We are called to an openness whereby we are willing to enter an experience where we ourselves might be changed by the other, where as caregivers we might receive as well as give.

BEING IN A CARING RELATIONSHIP

Before considering the crucial issue of listening within a caring relationship, let us look at a few nonverbal elements of being with the other which indicate to him/her that you care and are genuinely willing to be there. Body language, the way you sit or stand, usually indicates your interest or lack of it. Slouching, fidgeting, looking at a watch, all indicate that you wish you were somewhere else. Conversely, facing the other, leaning forward in his/her direction, helps to reduce the physical distance and indicates positive interest as well as helping with concentration. Often touch, when it seems appropriate, can enhance a feeling of caring and closeness. Holding the hand of a person in a grief or loss situation, or putting your arm on the shoulder, or hand on the arm of an emotionally agitated individual, are ways of communicating your concern and presence. Physical touch is a way to communicate a feeling of care. Eye contact, preferably at the same level, is also crucial for the listener to maintain in a helping relationship. Though the need for this direct contact varies from person to person, some people may not be able to verbalize their concerns to you if you look away. For caring to be the most fruitful, the environment must be conducive to conversation. Doors and windows should be closed to allow concentration, privacy, and confidentiality if that seems important to either. Often the environment cannot be ideal but every effort should be made to reduce outside interference. One of the simplest and most effective ways of communicating concern and caring to others is the offering of food and drink. Such a gesture, whether it be offering a cup of coffee to a hurting person, a food item to a bereaved family, a special treat for a person who is going through a difficult time, indicates often more than words, your genuine concern for their wellbeing.

17 | P a g e

Verbal Listening skills6

At times your role is to simply listen your attentive presence is enough. However there are other times when what you say can increase the persons sense of being listened to and understood. The three basic verbal listening skills are: 1) minimal encouragers 2) open questions, and 3) reflective listening.

Minimal encouragers
These are the small grunts or sound effects (Uh-huh, Mmm, Yep, sure) which tell the speaker we are awake and listening. They are important especially on the phone as its the only way the speaker knows you are still on the line.

Questions: closed or open?

Avoid interrogating but dont be afraid of helpful questioning which invites the other to open up. Be sensitive allow silence when that feels best but using a simple question such as: Whats on your mind?, Tell me about that or How do you feel about that? may help them to start talking. Use similar questions during a conversation to help the person go deeper, or to direct them to start again when a thought has been lost. Avoid closed questions which can be answered with a simple yes or no or by providing specific information. Closed questions have their place when seeking specifics but they also tend to close down a conversation. In contrast open questions to keep the conversation going and flowing. When youre seeking to understand a person open questions (which cannot be answered with a yes or no or specific information) are better. Open questions usually begin with what, how, or the phrase Tell me about. Why also begins an open question Why did you do that? But be careful Why questions can be hard to answer because they require a person to explain what was going on underneath. Also often people will hear a judgement in your question. Open questions can ask for more specific information or tell you what happened. If your open questions focus only on the problems the person has, they will be directed to think more about whats gong wrong. And if your open questions focus on the solution they want, the person will think more about what they want to achieve.

Reflective listening
Reflective listening involves reflecting (verbally restating) the feelings and information from what you heard the other person saying to you. This helps each of you to know whether youve understood them. It also tells them that your intention is to understand and accept what they said. If done well, it helps the person to clarify their own thoughts and feelings. In reflective listening there are 3 basic steps: 1. Ask yourself what the basic meaning of the persons message was. 2. Put this into your own words and say it back. 3. Check the persons response to ensure you understood.

Richard Bolstad and Margot Hamblett, Transforming Communication, (1997, Addison Wesley Longman, Auckland, New Zealand), pg 93ff

18 | P a g e

THE PRACTICES OF A GOOD LISTENER

1. Listens to understand what is meant, not to get ready to reply, contradict, or refute. This is extremely important as a general attitude. 2. Knows that what is meant involves more than the dictionary meaning of the words that are used. It involves, among other things, the tone of the voice, the facial expressions, and the overall behaviour of the speaker. 3. Observes all this and is careful not to interpret too quickly. Looks for clues as to what the other person is trying to say, putting himself/herself (as best he/she can) in the speakers shoes, seeing the world as the speaker sees it, accepting the speakers feelings as facts that have to be taken into accountwhether the listener shares them or not. 4. Puts aside ones own views and opinions for the time being. Realises that one cannot listen to himself/herself inwardly and at the same time listen outwardly to the speaker. Is careful not to jam ones receiving set. 5. Controls impatience knowing that listening is faster than talking. The average person speaks about 125 words a minute, but can listen to about 400 words a minute. The effective listener does not jump ahead of the speaker, but gives him/her time to tell his/her story. What the speaker will say next may not be what the listener expects him/her to say. 6. Does not prepare an answer while listening. Wants to get the whole message before deciding what to say in turn. The last sentence of the speaker may give a new slant to what was said before. 7. Shows interest and alertness. This stimulates the speaker and improves performance. 8. Does not interrupt. When asking questions, it is to secure more information, or go deeper, not to trap the speaker or to force him/her into a corner. 9. Expects the speakers language to differ from the way he/she would say the same thing. Does not quibble about words but tries to get at what is meant.

19 | P a g e

The Ministry of Listening7

The quiet power of unselfish listening is a ministry we all need to offer to others. Can we learn to exercise a much-needed ministry of listening? Yes, we can! Firstly, we must realise how healing and helpful a sympathetic listener can be, and then we can apply some simple rules to guide this important ministry. 1. BE CONCERNED. The best listener is one who cares. If you love people as Jesus does then youll be interested in their problems and attentive to what they say. Remind yourself that there is no such thing as a completely worthless conversation. Many people will thank us for our good advice when all we did was listen with concern. 2. TRY TO BE AT PEACE WITH YOURSELF. If we have too many inner conflicts when visiting, we will be poor listeners. It is easy for us to be so dominated by our own problems that we cant seem to focus on what another person is saying. Make an effort to clear your own mind and really listen when someone is speaking to you. Otherwise they may easily feel that you are so full of you that there is no room left for them. 3. BE PATIENT. Many people with problems have difficulty in expressing themselves right away. You may have to wait for them, but giving them time is really a form of giving affection. The other person will sense your giving spirit and respond to it. There will be lots of things youve forgotten to say, you can tell your friend. Just remember, Im always available. 4. BE HELPFUL. Not everyone can speak easily and clearly and logically. Sometimes it may be necessary for a listener to get the conversation back on the track with a quiet question or a sympathetic comment. Dont be too quick, though, to jump in with what seems to be the right word. The speakers silence or groping may well be part of the healing process. 5. DONT JUDGE. Quite often the thing that is troubling the speaker is shocking or morally dubious. Yet the good listener should always try to be shockproof. Jesus tells us to judge not. If the speaker feels that she is being silently condemned by the listener, she will certainly not be able to express herself freely. 6. DONT VIOLATE A CONFIDENCE. Some of us may find it difficult to refrain from passing along information that is given in confidence. This is always wrong. We must avoid at all costs violating this important ministry of healing. In Summary: The first duty of love is to listen. Try putting that principle into practice as part of your ministry. You will find great reward when someone says to you with relief and happiness

THANKS SO MUCH FOR LISTENING.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR LISTENING. Credit: Edith McLellan, Reprinted from Caregiving: A Way of Loving, The United Church of Canada. 1986. Used by permission.

20 | P a g e

LISTEN
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice. you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldnt feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem. Listen? All I asked, was that you listen; not to talk or dojust hear me. Advice is cheap: 10 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper. And I can do for myself; Im not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless. When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness. But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding whats behind this irrational feeling. And when thats clear, the answers are obvious and I dont need advice. Irrational feelings make sense when we understand whats behind them. Perhaps thats why prayer works, sometimes, for some people because God is mute and he doesnt give advice or try to fix things. They just listen and let you work it out for yourself. So, please listen and just hear me. And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; and Ill listen to you. Anonymous

21 | P a g e

TELECARE MINISTRYTHE NEXT BEST THING TO BEING THERE

For many, the very first encounter with another person in the church or within the Care Network may be by phone. Throughout your ministry you may use the telephone to be in touch with your families although it will never substitute for more personal contact on a regular basis. A telecare ministry is particularly appropriate if a person is convalescing, as it wont be necessary for the person to feel they have to have baking available or to clean the house. For the visitor it allows for an efficient use of their time and sometimes people are more frank and honest when talking over the phone than when talking face to face. Often Sunday evening is a good time for calling because families who have been away are home getting ready for work or school. If one or both adults in the household are employed, often Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday evenings are better times to phone than later in the week. In all your conversations, remember telecare is calling and caring. Since in a telephone conversation the other person cannot see you it is only with your voice that you make contact. It should be moderate, friendly and caring, as well as being natural in tone. Your rate of speed is important. Too fast, and the receiver will concentrate on the speed and lose much of your message; too slow, and the caller will get tired of listening and daydream. Articulation is important, as the person, if they are in the habit of lip-reading (and most people depend to a greater or lesser degree on it) will not have that assistance. Be a good listener at all times, which particularly means listening for overtones or feelings. Feel free to ask questions, and sound genuinely interested in their response. It is important to allow time for the conversation. Many conversations last from five to ten minutes, but others could last half an hour or longer. Some people have just been looking for such an opportunity to express their feelings or unburden themselves. Suggestions for your calls: 1. Identify yourself immediately and then ask for the person with whom you want to talk. Spend some time with other household members if you have already met them, asking about their primary interests or pre-occupations (school, sports, choir. etc.). When you get the person you originally intended, introduce yourself again. 2. Identify that you are calling as a member of the Church Care Network. 3. Ask if it is convenient to talk at this time. If they are busy, suggest when you can call later. When you promise to call again, keep your promise. 4. Establish rapport, most likely easiest by reference to the church which you hold in common (e.g., their involvement or your own, or a special event coming up). 5. As they share problems listen carefully and empathetically. If they talk about their faith or faith search, share yours. When some caller speaks critically about the church, its ministry, or activities, respond patiently, listening to their concerns, and offer to be of assistance in rectifying the situation. Do not engage in debate or argument but listen to their hurt. If you sense that some person or family needs a pastoral call, offer to visit yourself or contact the coordinator or minister.

22 | P a g e

Dos and Dont of Listening

Do: Try to maintain eye contact Dont: Look all around the room to see what else is going on Interrupt or finish a sentence for the other

Practice patience. Let the person tell their story in their own way Keep your word

Talk about what someone has told you in confidence Talk excessively about yourself Tell the person, You shouldnt feel that way! Pretend you have all the answers

Share yourself, but concentrate on listening Try to identify with the feeling

Let the person know you feel honoured to have been chosen to listen to them. Let the person set their own pace

Get mad when they arent ready to do something you suggest Assume you have all the facts

Listen for both verbal and non-verbal messages Be aware of your own body language and verbal messages Try to give the other your full attention

Look horrified when you are told about the problem Try to write a letter, study your Sunday school lesson, or prepare for a talk while you listen Make hasty judgements

Ask questions

23 | P a g e

REFERRAL AND THE CARE NETWORK VISITOR

The ministry of referral is an important and crucial ministry for both lay Care Network visitors and clergy alike. To refer does not mean that we are inadequate or unskilled but that due to a lack of time, a lack of specialized skills, or the fact that the issue is one Referral is not a pastoral failure. It is a that we have not resolved in our own lives, we are doing the best thing for the subtle and important helping art. person in crisis as well as for ourselves. No helper is Thomas W. Klink an island. Individual and group resources are there and need to be used. Whether to Refer Even if you have the necessary skills for assisting an individual with his/her particular problems, each Care Network visitor must decide if they have sufficient time to deal with the situation. Will you be able to take the time necessary with the troubled person without neglecting other responsibilities and putting yourself under pressure, thus reducing your effectiveness? Conversely, allowing that you have sufficient time available to help the person in difficulty, each care giver must determine if his/her own skills and experience are adequate to help the person or whether a counsellor, therapist, or support group would be more beneficial to the individual. In order to determine if continuing to help is appropriate, you might ask yourself: Does this person make me feel uncomfortable? Are there signs of growth on his/her part? Do I clearly understand his/her situation? Is a dependency situation developing either way? Such questions apply to relatively normal situations. However, referral is always indicated where psychosis, violent behaviour, suicide or homicide threats, noticeable bizarre actions, incoherence, abrupt changes in lifestyle or grooming, alcohol or drug addiction are involved. The third issue in determining the appropriateness of caring for the person in need or referring him/her to others centres on the issue of emotional objectivity. In helping people in trouble, the caregiver must first know themselves and what they themselves are dealing with personally. As Stone points out (The Caring Church. San Francisco: Harper and Row, 1983): There may be some situations whichbecause of your own belief or moral code or your own past difficulties in resolving the same problemsarouse within you feelings of insecurity or hostility, threat or fear. Is this problem one that you yourself have faced but never successfully resolved? Are you so overburdened emotionally that you have little left to offer this individual? Do you find yourself needing the others approval so that it is difficult to intervene with integrity and authority? Or are you finding yourself becoming overly emotionally involved with the person or the situation? (pp. 9091)8

When to Refer
As mentioned above, certain situations are always occasions for lay and clergy referral. One major area is the area of mental illness. Both the individual and the family may not recognize or
8

Reprinted The Caring Church by Howard W. Stone, copyright 1992, Augsburg Fortress.

24 | P a g e be prepared to recognize this reality in their lives. Howard J. Clinebell, Jr. (The Mental Health Ministry of the Local Church, Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1972) has outlined some of the general signs of mental illness: (a) The person believes that others are attempting to harm him, assault him sexually, or influence him in strange ways. (b) He has delusions of grandeur about himself. (c) He shows abrupt changes in his typical pattern of behaviour. (d) He hears voices, sees visions, or smells odours which do not exist. (e) He has rigid, bizarre ideas and fears that cannot be influenced by logic. (f) He engages in a repetitious pattern of compulsive actions or obsessive thoughts. (g) He is disoriented (unaware of time, place, or personal identity). (h) He is depressed to the point of near-stupor or is strangely elated and/or aggressive. (i) He withdraws into his inner world, losing interest in normal activities (p. 244). The family may be immobilized from seeking help because of feelings of distress, social stigma, fear or guilt and may need the firm support and guidance of the caregiver in order to get the troubled person to help. Clinebell in the same book summarizes the type of persons most likely to commit suicide and who must be referred for professional help: (a) Those who threaten suicide. (b) Persons who express feelings about their lives being empty, meaningless, worthless, or no longer needed by anyone may be making suicide threats in disguise. (c) Any seriously depressed person, whatever the cause. (d) Persons who have experienced major losses that deprive them of a dependency person or a source of self-esteem such as a highly valued job. (e) Those persons who suddenly make plans for death (making their will or getting their affairs in order). This is a warning sign if they are also generally unhappy or depressed. (g) Those suffering from pathological grief reactions. (h) Those suffering from mental illness. Suicides are frequent among schizophrenics, psychopathic personalities, alcoholics, and those with psychotic depressions. If a caregiver knows or suspects that an individual is suicidal, he/she should inform the family or other responsible person and strongly recommend that psychiatric help be obtained at once (p. 256) 9. In addition to these two groups, referrals should be made for situations involving severely depressed individuals, spouse or child abuse (physically, emotionally, or sexually), or alcohol or drug (legal or illegal) abuse. Support and self-help groups are an invaluable referral resource for such persons. In short, the caregiver must refer persons who can be helped more effectively by someone else, who are not responding to his/her help after several meetings, who have problems for which there are specialised agencies available in the community, whose problem or difficulty is difficult to diagnose, or who cause the caregiver strong negative reaction.

Reprinted from The Mental Health Ministry of the Church by Howard J. Clinebell, Jr., copyright 1972 by Abingdon Press.

25 | P a g e

How to Refer10:
Guidelines for effective referral counselling:
1. Create this expectation from the beginning of a caring relationship. 2. Start where the person is in his/her perception of the problem and the kind of help needed, and move from finding the meaning that the person himself/herself places upon it to your own assessment to a mutual perception to the enlisting of an appropriate referral individual or agency. 3. Seek out information from others in order to refer to appropriate person or group. 4. Help the counselee resolve blocks with regards to the individual or agency enlisted (better to keep openness to several in case one is not available due to workload, holidays, cost, etc.). 5. Do not make the referral call for a person you are helping (except in an emergency situation). Have the individual initiate the call. It may be helpful for you to suggest dialling the number now, using your phone, or to offer a ride to the first appointment if you are able and willing. They need to feel that they are participating in finding the necessary help. 6. After referral, follow up by calling to see if appointments have been made/attended. Ask if you can be of further help and contact at subsequent times to show that your concern and care will continue undiminished after the referral. Maintain the relationship. Affirm the person. Continue to visit the person during/after the therapy or institutionalization is complete. The person still needs your love, support, and distinctively Christian care giving, perhaps more now than before.

Remember, referral is not the first thing you do (except in an emergency) in the care you offer. As outlined in dealing with a crisis, establish a relationship (active contact with the person), listen carefully to the persons pain (boil down the problem to its essentials) and then move toward doing something about the problem, noting how the suggested referral source can benefit the resolution of the difficulty. Try not to refer an individual too soon, before you have assessed the need or too late, so that the person has deteriorated substantially.

10

How to Refer: Howard J. Clinebell (Basic Types of Pastoral Counseling, Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1966. Reprinted from Basic Types of Pastoral Counseling by Howard J. Clinebell, Jr., copyright 1966 by Abingdon Press) and Howard W. Stone (Reprinted from The Caring Church by Howard W. Stone, copyright 1992 Augsburg Fortress)

26 | P a g e

THE CARER IS A PROFESSIONAL11

The carer respects the rights of other:
The persons right to confidentiality. That which is shared with you is confidential and is to remain so, unless that person expressly gives direction or permission that his or her personal life is to be shared with others. The persons dignity. The privacy of the visit must be guarded, proper names must be used and the person is to be regarded as a fully human individual, no matter how sick, with his or her own identity. The carer reinforces reality for the patient. The visitor should reinforce the day of the week, the time of day, his/her name, and the patients nameanything that serves to keep the patient in touch with his/her own personhood, self-worth, and the present world about him/her. If a patient wants affirmative action to be taken with regard to something he/she feels is wrong, it is important that the facts be verified before anything is done.

A good visitor:
Communicates well. Eyeball to eyeball is usually the most effective way to communicate meaningfully. The focus is entirely on the other. Shares himself/herself. The carer should share his/her joys and sorrows, likes and dislikes, and in general the stuff that makes him/her the person he/she is. Is humorous. The exceptional visitor is the one who is able to gauge his/her humour to the others personal needs and ability to respond. Can handle rejection. If a patient seems angry, do not take it personally it is important that the patient has a safe place to vent negative feelings. When a patient openly rejects a visitor (Dont come back, Go away, I dont like you) it may be a test of your commitment as a visitor (Will you visit me next week, Will you like me even though I am ugly now?). Understand, too, that the patient may need to protect himself/herself from another hurt (children dont visit; the last visitor from the church never came back). Is reliable. It is important that the visitor keeps his/her promiseswhen he/she will return, what he/she will do, or how long he/she will stay. Only that which can be carried out should be promised!

11

based upon: Edith McLellan. Reprinted from Care Giving: A Way of Loving, The United Church of Canada. 1986.

27 | P a g e

A Friend in Need
by Joy Crowley12 Lord, I am hurting. I feel like a tree with its roots laid bare. Suddenly there seems to be no support and I dont know what to do about it. I know that adversity builds character, but thats tomorrows story and it has no meaning for now. What I need, Lord, is a friend. Choose my friend carefully. Please, no one whos going to tell me how to put my life straight, no amateur analyst or teacher, no preacher, no well-meaning person who is going to should all over me. I want someone to come in the door with a smile and a big warm hug to let me know Im valuable just as I am. Therell be no advice, no expectation of change. My friend will already know that pain is important in journey and must be travelled through. My friend will stay beside me and hold my hand while I make my own discoveries. And then, when all this is over, Lord help me to remember two things: To say Thank you, and to be a friend with a big warm hug to someone else in pain.

12

Joy Cowley

Aotearoa Psalms; Catholic Supplies (NZ) Ltd, 1995

28 | P a g e