To a Spouse Considering Divorce

Pastor John Piper

Desiring God, episode 397 (31 Julho, 2014)

Pastor John what hope would you offer to a listener right now who is a stressed wife or stressed
husband who is disappointed in their spouse? They are frustrated with their marriage and they're
now considering a divorce as a way of escape out of the frustrations .

Well, the first thing that comes to my mind is that more pain is experienced in marriage and
parenting than anywhere else in the world. This is the cost of covenant making and covenant
keeping love. It cost Jesus his life to be in that kind of relationship, so I'm not making light ever of
the kind of pain that can be sustained in parenting or a marriage relationship and the first thing I'd
say is that the path to hope is not the path of divorce.

God can rescue sinners from the disaster of a divorce, but he warns: let us not sin that grace may
abound. Planned sin is not accompanied by any promises of hope. Jesus said in Mark 10:9 “ what
therefore God has joined together let not man separate”. The deepest reason for that prohibition of
breaking a marriage is that marriage was created by God from the beginning as a picture, or an
expression of the covenant-keeping love of Christ and His Church (Ephesians 5:22).

So, my word of hope begins with a plea I've given it countless times to women and men : put divorce
out of your mind as a remedy don't consider it. Say to yourself in the truth of Christ, by the power of
the Holy Spirit, this is not an option. I'm not going to pursue this. It may be forced upon me but I'm
not going to pursue it. Don't want it. Pray and work in the other direction.

You might have sinned your way into this marriage. Lots of people say well I just blew it at the front
end. I made all kinds of stupid judgments about this this man. I wasn't acting in a mature biblical
way, and I said that's true you may have sinned your way into this relationship, but now that you're
married this man this man is God's man for you. That is an amazing truth. He is God's choice for
you. Yes, he is. No matter how you may wish that you could do it all over again. So, I would say look
to Jesus as the one who satisfies in measure now and immeasurably later. Believe that the path of
lost dreams in this life is the path of greatest joy overall. Know this: maximizing your earthly
happiness is not the goal of life or marriage. Maximizing your eternal happiness is.

Because God said this is crucial, I think for marriage Romans 5 verse 3: “rejoice in tribulation
because tribulation works patience and patience works approving this and approving this works hope
and this hope does not disappoint”. In other words, marriage may disappoint with a thousand
tribulations, but hope filled obedience to God will never disappoint us. God says so. Hope does not
disappoint but escaping tribulation. The tribulation that obedience calls for escaping tribulation,
that is not hope promised hope fill. It's not the path the greatest hope or greatest joy.

It is good and it is right to want things to change now. Oh yes, we all do! Don't we want things about
our spouses and ourselves to change now. I think that's why Peter wrote in 1Peter 3:1-7, for wives in
particular because these words are meant to help a woman know how to think about changing her
husband and in this case an unbelieving husband. She should pray earnestly for him and for the
whole situation. That's why those verses are there. I would recommend that she pray over them long
and hard, but don't stake your greatest happiness on his change. If you do that you probably
become demanding and nagging and angry. All of which will be self-defeating. So, focus your main
heart energies not on fixing his failures but on deepening your own godly responses to those
failures. That's what God expects from you.

God does not hold you accountable for your husband's sins, but he does hold you accountable for
the godliness of your responses to those sins. There will be a thousand acts of grace that your
husband will not reward or perhaps not even notice, and you will feel so alone in your sorrow. But
hold fast to this truth: God sees in secret, that's Matthew 6:3-4. God sees every tiny expression of
your patience and mercy and respect. He sees them all and he writes them down. Your quiet
sorrows aren't never wasted. You will be repaid at the last day and perhaps in this life more than you
could ever imagine. When the decades have gone by, God might work a miracle in that man, and you
might end in a way that you never dreamed.

Let me close with one illustration. A woman came to me one Sunday about thirty years into my
ministry. I remembered so clearly it was at our South campus. She reminded me that when she was
about to leave her husband 20 years ago, she came to me, and I pleaded with her don't do it. And
she kept me all the reasons why he was just totally unresponsive, unaffectionate, travel all the time,
didn't pay any attention, didn't care for the gift, every reason that he was just not there. And she told
me now, at this point, twenty years after that having stayed in the marriage, she said he's building a
room on our house for my mother to stay with us in her final years, which is the most wonderful
sacrificial act of love he could possibly have done for me. He had become a kind and thoughtful and
very different man. She just thanked me and said: that's what I'd be missing today It's a wonderful
testimony to end. Thank you.