ACT LIKE A PRINCE

A TIMELESS GUIDE TO ROYAL MANNERS

FREÏ VON FRÄÄHSEN ZU

LORENZBURG
 COPYRIGHT

ACT LIKE A PRINCE - a timeless guide to royal manners. Copyright © 2019 by H.S.H.
Prince Freï von Fräähsen zu Lorenzburg. Manufactured in Sweden. All rights
reserved. No other part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any
electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems
without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may
quote brief passages in a review.

1. Reference--Etiquette. 2. History. 3. Philosophy. I. McKay, Kate. II. Title.

Edited in part by Anita van Doorn, Betsy Lamborn, C. Jordan Farmer, Marian
Söderholm, H.S.H. Prince Warren of Ellrose. Major parts of the work are edited
solely using the Grammarly software for Mac. Any errors are the author’s.

Designed by H.S.H. Prince Freï von Fräähsen zu Lorenzburg

Cover illustration features a portrait attributed to Sofonisba Anguissola. The work

is in the public domain.

All the portraits in the introduction are in the public domain and can be found on
www.commons.wikimedia.org

All chapter dividers are from a work by Daniel Hopfer which is in the public
domain.

All chapter tailpieces are from F. S. Meyer, Handbook of Ornament a work which is in
the public domain.

The header images in each chapter are illustrations from Wilhelm von Kaulbach’s -
Reineke Fuchs (1857) a work which is in the public domain.

Illustration in chapter 8 is a portion of an image from The Jewel Book of the Duchess
Anna of Bavaria (1552), which is a work in the public domain.

The woodcut of the toadstone in chapter 8 is from a renaissance book in the public
domain.

The coat of arms illustrations in appendix II and the section about the author are
line drawings by heraldic artist Davor Zovko, coloured-in by the author.

The photographs in appendix II are taken by Anna Almroth.

The first portrait in “About the Author” is taken by Markus Tiljander

All other illustrations by H.S.H. Prince Freï von Fräähsen zu Lorenzburg.

 DEDICATION

For Andreas,
who fell in love with a man, but has to make do with a prince.
 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Writing is a solitary practice, but few authors trust their own taste
and skills without reservation. Since English isn’t my first
language, I have been fortunate to receive editorial help from
friends, as well as from kind colleagues from the inter-microna-
tional community. The opinions expressed in this book don’t
necessarily reflect the position of the generous people who have
helped with the editing. Thank you!

Anita van Doorn

Betsy Lamborn, Baroness of Mannaregn
C. Jordan Farmer
Marian Söderholm
H.S.H. Prince Warren of Ellrose

I am also most grateful to Karlstads Kommun and Region

Värmland who very generously supported my Lorenzburg
project. This book is a direct descendant from the Swedish
cultural politics which helps so many artists and writers.
 CONTENTS

Preface ix
Introduction xiii

1. Meeting and greeting 1

2. In conversation 9
3. At the table 31
4. Of hospitality 45
5. Of friends & companions 55
6. Manners & the ladies 71
7. In love, marriage & divorce 79
8. Of enemies & conflict 95
9. A prince in the world 115
Appendix I: about micronations 147
Appendix II: about Lorenzburg 149
A note on original spelling and pronounciation 159
Bibliography 161
Legal disclaimer 165

About the Author 167

Finis Coronat Opus 169
Preface not included in this preview
 INTRODUCTION

Inter Folia Fructus Est– “Between the leaves is the fruit.” (the
wisdom lies within the pages)

This book is a contemporary version of the ancient literary genre

known as specula principum – “Mirrors for Princes”, that is, books
for, by or about rulers and their vocation. It has always been a
difficult job to rule, but it must have been especially challenging
in times when the welfare and happiness of a nation relied on the

xiii
decisions of one single person. It is not surprising that monarchs,
young and old, turned to history books, scripture and philosophy
to guide them through difficult situations. Some of the better
known European “Mirrors for Princes” include Niccoló Machi-
avelli’s Il Principe – “The Prince”, Erasmus of Rotterdam’s Insti-
tutio principis Christiani – “Education of a Christian Prince” and
the Basilikon Doron – “Royal Gift” written by King James VI of
Scotland (King James I of England and Ireland) for the edification
of his son.
Since the rise of modern democracy and human rights, there
are only a handful of ruling monarchs left in the world. Most
monarchies today are of the constitutional variety, where the royal
head of state functions as the ceremonial figurehead of the nation.
However, it would be a mistake to assume that the declining offi-
cial power of the monarch renders the institution obsolete. Many
royals work hard to inspire unity in their countries as well as
championing various causes to make the world a better place. As
much as the duties of past royals may differ from those of their
present-day colleagues, monarchs and their children have always
had a moral obligation to act with greater care, dignity and
generosity than others. That special attention to personal conduct,
which might even be called “mindfulness” in contemporary
parlance, is at the heart of having good manners.
Even though most of us do not have vast kingdoms or great
vaults of gold, each person is called to ascend their own throne
and govern their little realm as best, as confidently and as
graciously as they can. With this little book, the first of three
volumes, of ancient and contemporary wisdom I strive to pass on
that message of hope that is at the forefront of all humanist think-
ing, namely that every human being is endowed with a potential
for greatness, kindness and reason.
If you have picked up this book chances are that you are just
setting out on a journey of personal transformation. Maybe a
sudden success brings attention to your person, and you just do
not have the right toolbox to “take space” graciously in the spot-

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 Pages XV - XXIX (15 - 29)
of the introduction not included
in this preview
Audere est facere – “To dare is to do."

The advice that you are about to read has proven helpful
throughout the ages. Each chapter in this book uncovers etiquette
tips for all situations, as well as philosophical guidance from the
illustrious masters of the past. If you enjoy a recent success, the
advice within these pages may help you secure your position and
open the door to even more fun, fame and prosperity. If you still
have not found a kingdom or principality to call your own, this
book may teach you a few tricks to put some haste in your step on
your path to glory. Knowledge without practice is like a saddle
without a horse: read and reflect, then practice what you have
learnt. Only then can you hope to get somewhere!
And with that, my brother prince, it is time for you to pick up
your crown and venture forth. I hope you enjoy the ride!
H.S.H. Prince Freï of Lorenzburg – January 6, 2019

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 1

MEETING AND GREETING

E very new friendship and every new love starts with a

greeting. When we greet a stranger, it is an act of
revealing ourselves to the other. We make our presence
known, and we agree to recognise each other as individuals in a
sea of unknown faces. That first smile and handshake is the key
to the first door of intimacy; it is essential to get it right!
Humans are social animals with a tendency to create complex
orders of precedence based on seniority, competence, class, and
gender. Most people are sensitive to the little tell-tale signs that
will give away the other’s relative social status. We could call
this “spontaneous sociology” – a quick assessment of the other’s
posture, clothes and choice of words, or we could call it preju-

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dice – a refusal to see the other as anything more than the sum
of our ideas of them.
A proper greeting is an opportunity for both parties to shine
through the veil of preconception. As a prince you should be
able to greet and socialise with anyone. Knowing how to
present yourself to the other, by way of a pleasant smile, a firm
handshake or the occasional kiss on the cheek, is vital. Learn
it well!

• Unless you are physically prevented from doing so, always

stand when you greet someone, or risk being called an oaf! An oaf
is a derivate of the Old Norse álfr – “elf", “changeling” or
“halfwit”. In short, do not act like an ignorant. Always be on your
feet to greet!

• It used to be the privilege of the lady, or someone older or

higher ranking, to initiate the greeting by extending their hand.
Today these rules are somewhat relaxed, but be aware that they
still apply in some circles. Especially, NEVER “attack” someone of
a more elevated social standing, or fame, by initiating a greeting.
Allow them to make the first move.

• Shaking hands is a minute dance, not a wrestling match or the

rubbing together of two dead flounders! As in dancing, one has to
meet the partner as an equal and with gusto. One does not dance
half-heartedly or with brute force. Instead, one should take the
offered hand and hold it as an affirmation of the other’s presence.
Greetings are preliminaries, not the main event. Shake the hand
twice and let go. Clinging to the other’s hand as if it were a
lifebuoy appears desperate, and is it not well known that the
drowning risk taking their would-be rescuers with them into
the deep?

2
 • • •

• If you exchange business cards with someone, be sure to give

and receive them with equal care and attention. Take the card
with both hands and hold it during the conversation. A business
card represents someone’s chosen profession, and you should
treat it with respect. Never nonchalantly put it away without
looking at it! It can be a good idea to have two different cards to
hand out: a professional card to exchange with potential business
associates, and a more personal card to give to potential friends.

• In these days bowing and curtsying are rare reverences. That is,
movements done to show deference to a superior or someone
worthy of one’s utmost respect. Young princes and princesses
may greet any adult in such a way until their early twenties.

Bowing is not an acrobatic manoeuvre that involves jack-knifing

by swinging the hips back and forth! Stand straight and give a
quick and deep nod with the head.
Curtsying is done by placing the left foot slightly behind the
right, then bending both knees to lower oneself a few inches. One
should keep the back straight and maintain eye contact, rather
than lowering one’s gaze in feigned humility. It is a social event,
not an opera performance!
The renaissance dancing master Fabritio Caroso on
curtsying:

You should make the reverence with your left foot for the following
reasons. First, your right foot provides strength and stability for the
body, and since it is its fortress, you should do this movement with
your left foot because it is weaker than your right.

3
 Moreover:

Since your left foot is the limb corresponding to the side wherein
your heart lies, you should always make [the curtsy] with your
left foot.

Adults never bow or curtsy except to the most elevated

people, such as popes, emperors, kings, queens and one’s grand-
mother. The so-called “Spanish Reverence” - bowing by kneeling,
is reserved for the Christian altar and marriage proposals.

• On hats, mittens and gloves: greeting someone is a ceremony of

social intimacy and friendship (real or potential). It means letting
down the guard and offering access to one’s presence. Hence, on
the theme of intimacy, certain polite practices have developed
around removing the shell of outer garments when greeting. Hats
or caps worn for religious reasons may stay on.

Gentlemen should always take off their hats when greeting some-
one, and must also remove their right glove when shaking hands.
A hat should always be removed upon entering a house, but they
may stay on for short journeys by car, bus or train. The sole excep-
tion is when entering a synagogue - a Jewish house of worship,
where the etiquette requires all males to cover their heads.

Ladies may keep their hats on in almost all situations. Hats at

social events are daytime attire and rarely worn as accessories in
the evening. As protection from the sun or the cold they can be
worn as outer garments at any time of day but are mostly
removed when going inside. Always remove the right glove when

4
greeting someone unless the gloves are of the long variety worn at
evening events.

• It is always polite to say hello! Some louts pretend they do not

see acquaintances, for fear they have to stop and chat. A prince
sets aside any considerations of time or antipathy and greets them
with a smile, a polite nod and a hello. No more than that is
required.

• Always say your full name, and say it clearly, when you intro-
duce yourself. You probably know your name by heart, and you
should concentrate more on learning the other’s. Should you
happen to forget someone’s name, apologise and ask them to
repeat it. If you have tons of confidence you could try the
following formula used by an unnamed 19th-century count: “You
do not happen to remember your name, do you?". Make sure to
remember their name the second time they say it!

• Kissing on the cheek is reserved for friends and family, unless

you are travelling in countries such as France where it is more
widespread even between strangers. Two kisses are usually
enough: first on the right cheek, then on the left. Put your cheek
against the other’s and kiss the air, not the skin (they could be
wearing makeup, and you do not want to ruin it). Kissing on the
cheeks is an ancient greeting, not an erotic prelude. It is perfectly
fine to kiss people of both genders socially, but one would be
advised to be aware of any cultural biases against men showing
affection to other men. Some sillies still believe that manliness is a
quality that gets sucked out of their bodies if they should happen
to touch another gentleman.
• • •

5
• Kissing on the hand is a rare sign of devotion, and it should not
be a smacker on the knuckles. Gently lift the soon-to-be-kissed
right hand, incline the head in a slight bow and lightly touch the
lips to the top of the hand. Do not moisten the lips before kissing!

• The supreme mark of respect and adoration is to combine

kissing on the cheeks with a kiss on the hand. The Prince of Wales,
or “Prince Charles", offers a beautiful example with his greeting of
his mother and sovereign Queen Elizabeth II. Kiss the cheeks first
and then the right hand.

• Not everyone is comfortable with social kissing and hugging. Be

attentive and remember which of your friends prefer shaking
hands.

• What to say by way of greeting? No more is needed than a

friendly “hello” or “How do you do?” to new acquaintances. The
proper way to reply to the above question is to repeat it back with
another “how do you do?". Do not say something silly like
“delighted to meet you” if you do not feel this emotion. Your face
is a portal to your soul, and there are myriad little twitches,
creases and stiff spots that will betray the true nature of your
sentiments.

• It is more elegant to match the greeting to the time of day! A

“Good Morning” early in the day, and “Good Evening” after six o’
clock, will bring more shine to your crown than would a
simple “Hi”.

• When introducing two or more people to each other, always

6
first introduce the gentleman to the lady, the “inferior” to the
“superior” and the younger to the senior. Example: “Mama, have
you met my friend Count Erich Qvittenberg? Erich, this is my
mother H.S.H. Princess Lena-Birgitta von Fräähsen zu
Lorenzburg.”

• ALWAYS introduce people to each other if you stop to chat with

a friend while in the company of another. NEVER make people
recede into the shadows while you start speaking to an acquain-
tance. Having good manners means including, not excluding,
others.

• Shine the light on the people you introduce! After introductions

always mention something interesting about those you have intro-
duced. Say something about their charity work or an area of
specialised knowledge or interest, it will help the new acquain-
tances to start a conversation.

• Parting well is equally important to greeting politely. Always

make a good last impression! Say your farewells as cordially as
you said hello.

Erasmus the Scholar on meeting & greeting

"A certain person teaches, and not without reason, that we should salute
freely. For a courteous and kind salutation oftentimes engages friendship
and reconciles persons at variance, undoubtedly nourishing and
increasing a mutual benevolence. There are indeed some persons that are
such churls, and of so clownish a disposition, that if you salute them,

7
they will scarcely salute you again. However, this vice is in some persons
rather the effect of their education than their natural disposition.

What to say when parting (according to Erasmus):

- Fare ye all well.
- Farewell.
- Take care of your health.
- Take great care of your health.
- I bid you good-by, time calls me away, fare ye well.
- I wish you as well as may be.
- Farewell mightily, or if you had rather have it so, lustily.
- Fare you well as you are worthy.
- Fare you as well as you deserve.
- Farewell for these two days.
- If you send me away, farewell till tomorrow.

“God, through the words of Solomon, has so commanded that we show

respect and stand up before an aged person. He has also commanded
through Saint Paul to give double honour to our elders."

“He that takes care to do honour to him that is like unto us, or to our
inferiors, is made never less, but more civil, and therefore more
honourable. He who defers to his equal or inferior is not, by doing that,
demeaning himself, but is more civil and therefore more worthy of
respect. He must speak reverently and in few words with his superiors,
with his equals amiably and gently.”

8
 2

IN CONVERSATION

S peak to me, and I will tell you who you are! It is no

coincidence that ancient books of wisdom dwell so much
on the act of speaking, for when we open our mouths we
reveal our innermost hearts; give away our true sentiments;
make or break love, friendship or good opportunities. Speaking
is an ethereal art form, similar to pure magic: we can cause great
change only by releasing wind and vibrations from our mouths.
If you speak well you may use your words to caress or hypno-
tise, but if you speak poorly, it may ruin your chances in life.
Often princes and peasants are easily recognised from how
they speak, what they talk about and which words they use. A
good rule of thumb, regardless of social status or vocation, is to
speak kindly of others and to speak only a little of oneself.
Speaking is an improvisational art and, like most such art

9
forms, must be rehearsed even more! Do it diligently: transform
every conversation, lengthy or brief, into an etude – “training
session” of speaking.

• Let your mouth be a treasure chest, not a Pandora’s box! Smile

when conversing and let only kindness flow from your lips. Kind
words do not cost a thing, but they accomplish a lot. Words can be
like the sun: they can do for the heart what light and warmth do
for a field of grain: give nourishment and inspire growth.

• Speak clearly and with a pleasant voice. If people often ask you
to repeat what you just said, take it as an invitation to work on
your enunciation. Never pronounce words with your teeth
clenched, through the nose, or by ripping up the sounds labori-
ously from the pit of the stomach. Speak gently, but with clarion-
like distinctness. When you converse with someone who is hard
of hearing, place yourself so that they can see your mouth.

• Your facial expression is part of the communication. Never have

a blank face, for this signals boredom and creates a distance with
the other party in the conversation. Use your facial expression to
show the other how the interaction is going.

• The mental attitudes of “So, here I am” and “Ah, there you are”
produce real, and very different, effects on your company. Before
going to a social event, smile and silently repeat the mantra “Ah,
there you are!” one hundred and eight times: it is a good warm-up
for your Princely charisma muscles!

• Adapt your language to those with whom you speak. There is

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Pages 11-30 not included in this preview
 3

AT THE TABLE

R e-arrange the letters but a little and “table” will

sound like “battle”! In a real skirmish, one proves
one’s might, valour and leadership with weapons and
teamwork. A dinner is somewhat similar, as it requires the
wielding of weaponry and co-operation to get you safely from
the first to the last course. However, a formal dinner is primarily
a social event and not about stuffing your growling interior with
as much food as possible. If the real battlefield means risking
one’s life or territory, losses at the dinner table may result in
loss of respect and prestige… …and loss of future invitations!
• • •

31
• If the occasion is a formal dinner with a seating plan, it is polite
to find, and to introduce yourself beforehand to, the lady who will
be sitting on your right side. Once the guests are invited to the
table, you should offer to escort her to her seat. For better, or for
worse, you are the lady’s designated cavalier for this festive
adventure. If it is “for worse": do your utmost to make it “for the
better".

• At the table, good manners require you to greet those who will
be your immediate neighbours. Remember that greeting happens
before seating!

• It is polite to pull out the chair for the ladies unless it is a busi-
ness dinner, in which case women should be seated and treated
like any other colleague or business partner.

• No grooming at the table! Ladies are permitted to put on a little

lipstick, but that is the only exception. Traditional etiquette is
quiet on the subject, but one may assume the same rule applies to
any gentleman who would use such cosmetics.

• Always trim your nails a few hours before going to a formal

dinner. The table is a stage, and your hands are the main actors.
Make them perform elegantly rather than inspire disgust in your
audience!

• Let your sorrows wash away as you wash your hands before the
meal. It is ill-mannered to go ill-tempered to the table!
• • •

32
• At a multi-course dinner, begin with the cutlery farthest away
from the plate and work yourself inwards. If the first course is a
soup, the spoon will be to the right of the knives. If there is a fork
and spoon at 12 o´clock above the plate, use them both when
eating your dessert (in England never say “dessert", the preferred
word is “pudding”).

• Always hold the fork in the left hand and the knife in the right
in the European manner. Do not grab the cutlery as if they were
baseball bats! Hold the cutlery gently near the ends. You probably
know where the food is so there is no need to point at it by
extending your index fingers down the handles of the cutlery. To
eat elegantly is an art form, use every meal to practice! Place the
knife and fork (or spoon) together with their handles pointing to 5
o´clock on the plate to indicate that you have finished eating. If
you need to put down the cutlery before you are finished, place
the fork with the handle pointing at 7 o’clock and the knife at 5
o´clock.

• You cannot use your knife, fork, or teeth too quietly! It is a good
thing that we have to eat daily, as every meal provides an oppor-
tunity to train oneself to eat without smacking one’s lips, slurping
or clattering with the cutlery.

• The napkin is placed in the lap and is not to be tucked into your
collar! Fold it once and place the crease away from you, this will
allow you to wipe your fingers discretely between the fabric
rather than on top of it. Keep the napkin in the lap at all times,
except when you need to dab the corners of your mouth. If you
should need to leave the table during the meal (the only permis-
sible reason is if you risk suffering a personal or natural catastro-
phe) place the napkin on the lap of the chair. When you have

33
finished the meal, crumple the napkin slightly and leave it to the
left of the plate.

• Never cut the bread roll with a knife or smear the whole thing
with butter. Break off a small piece with your hands and butter it
before eating.

• Start eating only when the host or hostess begins, unless they
say it is ok to go ahead. If you are treated to a buffet, it is ok to
start eating straight away.

• Ladies first! A good rule of thumb is: Ladies first, gentlemen

second and princes third. A prince has all the time in the world,
and the manners to prove it.

• No elbows on the table or in your neighbour’s side, and no

blades in the mouth! Comparing a dinner with a military opera-
tion is only a metaphor, stay civil(-ian)!

• Sit up straight: sitz bones down, crown up!

• On the topic of sitting: Pull the chair in under you so that you
can sit all the way back in the chair rather than on the edge. Doing
this leaves enough room for the waiting staff to pass behind you,
instead of having to twist themselves through the narrow space
between people’s chairs. Always be considerate of those who just
need to do their job.
• • •

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Pages 35-44 not included in this preview
 4

OF HOSPITALITY

T he words “hospitality” and “host” come from the Latin

word hospes – which means both “host” and “guest”.
The fact that the two share the same word is a beau-
tiful reminder that hospitality comes down to teamwork
between equals. “Hospital”, “hospice”, “hostel” and “hotel”
also share the same root. In ancient days hospitality was a
sacred duty and a sacred right. Enemies and strangers who
claimed the right of hospitality had to be treated politely, fed,
lodged and protected while under their host’s roof. In our times,
having, or being, a guest is less about institutionalised
generosity and more about collaborating to create a memorable
and happy event. A prince treats his guests like royalty and he,

45
himself, acts with the most exquisite manners when visiting
someone else’s home.

• Always be on time! It is better to be a little early rather than

arriving “fashionably” late. This is especially good advice for shy
princes as they can arrive amongst the first and get to know a
smaller crowd as a warm-up.

• Call your host and let them know if you risk being more than 15
minutes late. If you are to arrive much later than that do not
expect anyone to wait for you. Indeed you should insist they go
ahead and start the dinner. Tarde venientibus ossa – “The latecomers
only get the bones.”

• At a mingle or party always smile and nod at a newcomer who

arrives alone, this will give them an ally in the room and provide
an opportunity to speak later.

• You should always follow the dress code. If no dress code is

suggested, you can call ahead a few days before and ask. Do not
improvise unless it is a fancy dress party!

• Never arrive drunk to a social event! Also, please drink only

moderately during the evening. You do not want to be like a high-
ranking noble (who shall remain anonymous) who always began
his thank-you cards with the words, “I have been told that I have
had a wonderful evening in your home…”

• Moreover, on the matter of spirits: arrive in a good one! A guest

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Pages 47-54 not included in this preview
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OF FRIENDS & COMPANIONS

I n the days of old a prince could rely only on himself. The

ideal for the powerful was: Unus sum sed leo – “I may be
only one, but I am a lion", but it is tiring to live your life
guided by such a motto! In reality, even princes are intimately
dependent on other people: their co-operation, their kindness
and their loyalty. The best way to have good friends is to be a
good friend to others, but you should not be naïve! Test the gold
of a new acquaintance and, if it proves genuine, open your heart
and let them into your circle of intimates.
Friendship, like any relationship, grows with commitment,
sacrifice and generosity. Have, and be, a devoted friend. It will
give you bliss in times of joy, and comfort when life brings you
sorrows.

55
 • • •

• It is difficult to live a good life if you are surrounded by bad

companions. The “Book of Books” – the Bible, advises that one
should free oneself from bad influences. “Do not be misled: Bad
company corrupts good character.”

• Ignis aurum probat – “Gold is tested by fire.” You know that the
friendship will last and bring mutual benefit when it has been
tested a few times. The genuine friend is a rare find, hold on
to him!

• Gemini geminos quaerunt – “The twin seeks his twin.” We often

seek the companionship of those who are most like us. We align
ourselves with that which is familiar and comfortable, but does
this provide opportunities for us to grow as people? A scoundrel
seeks a scoundrel, and they will set out, hand in hand, towards
their ruin. Know your own inclinations. Will you benefit from
more of the same, or should you seek the friendship of those that
have a different temper than your own?

• Ut ameris, amabilis esto – “Be loveable and you shall be loved.” It

is no great mystery really, you shall reap as you sow.

• Neither a borrower nor a lender be, for nothing ruins friendship

as surely as debts.

• Trust that a good friend loves you for being yourself… ...and
sometimes in spite of you being yourself.
• • •

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Pages 57-70 not included in this preview
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MANNERS & THE LADIES

S een from a historical perspective, women, as a group,

have only recently gained autonomy in relation to their
families, fathers and husbands. Even today women’s
situations vary quite a lot in different parts of the world.
Many of the old rules of chivalry developed in a time when
women were clearly culturally disadvantaged. They were
considered as being less capable then men and they were often

71
barred from living life in accordance with their own talents and
dreams. The rules of conduct and the moral values of the time
demanded that princes and gentlemen be considerate of the
needs of the delicate creatures that ladies were thought to be.
Today spending time with women should mean spending
time with equals but, that being said, a prince should still do
his utmost to treat ladies with respect and kindness. Remember
that opening doors and pulling out chairs are reduced to mere
decoration if you do not actually respect the lady’s thoughts,
opinions and competence.
A genuine prince is a friend to women, and he will cham-
pion their rights and freedoms, not just hold their bags! Caveat:
Modern business etiquette differs from social congress. In a
professional context, one offers respect based on seniority, rank
and experience rather than gender.

• If you are in the company of several ladies you should attend

more to the elderly. Offer your seat or arm, and generally show
the utmost respect to the oldest lady present. (Do not ask which
one is the oldest!)

• The above applies to pregnant women too: offer your seat or

support, carry their bags and open doors to them. DO NOT ask if
you are unsure if a lady is, in fact, pregnant! Just give her extra
attention without making any reference to children or pregnancy.

• Little gestures of attention to the comforts of your mother, your

wife, and your sister, will beget much love. Any scoundrel can ape
the manners of a gentleman when he is seen in public, but a
prince should be courteous also in his own home.
• • •

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Pages 73-78 not included in this preview
 7

IN LOVE, MARRIAGE & DIVORCE

S ome say that all is fair in love and war, and that the
winner takes it all. However, expeditions into the realm
of love should never be about taking, winning or
conquering. On the contrary, the princely heart, illuminated by
love, yearns to hand over its keys to the beloved; to give gener-
ously and without ulterior motives. Even brief encounters of an
erotic nature should be enshrined by a spirit of respect,
generosity and courteousness. One should focus on giving
rather than taking what one wants; love-making is an art form
and a team sport! Sometimes a break-up or divorce is unavoid-
able, and doing it well may seem impossible. It could provide

79
some comfort knowing that one tried to be one’s best princely
self from the beginning to the end.
Aspire to court with sensitive whiskers, focus on giving
pleasure and companionship to those who cross your path,
marry out of love and divorce with integrity. Remember the
“gentle” part of being a gentleman: love, delight and intimacy
require openness and sensitivity.

• Festina lente – “hurry slowly” in all things love related!

• If you invite someone out on a date, be clear about the nature of

the proposed encounter. The purpose of a date is to get to know
one another a little better and to discover if there is a spark
between you. You want your potential partner to understand that
you are not asking them out just as a friend. This is especially
important if you have known each other for some time or if you
are, in fact, friends.

• Call rather than send a text message to set up or confirm the

date. Texting is less personal and can come off as sloppy. Call a
few hours before and check in on your date.

• Good personal hygiene is a must when you want to get

involved with someone romantically. Have a good scrub, clip
your nails, groom your hair and brush your teeth. Put on a scent,
but sparingly! It is better if your love interest has to come closer to
smell your eau de cologne. After all, getting closer is the whole
point of the date.

• Dress for success, but not to impress! Match your attire to the

80
occasion. Overdoing it may scare your date, or come off as brag-
ging. A three-piece suit would look silly if you have planned a
coffee and a stroll in a park. Similarly, a pair of jeans might not be
your best choice if you go to a fancy restaurant. Make sure your
clothes are clean and tidy and that your shoes are newly shined.

• Let the first date be a cut above your everyday life and remem-
ber, as in all things social, planning is the key! Take your love
interest to the theatre, the opera or a museum. It will give you a
shared experience to talk about if you have a cocktail and a chat
afterwards. The museum has the advantage of letting you move
around and talk to each other.

• It is a nice gesture to bring a little gift that you think your date
will enjoy. No lavish flower bouquets or similar impractical gifts
though! However, if you really enjoy giving flowers, buy them in
advance and send them with a card the day before. That WILL
make an impression!

• If you plan to go for dinner together, book a table well in

advance so that you do not have to roam around endlessly to find
a restaurant.

• Going on a first date can be nerve-racking. Avoid restaurants

that serve messy or spicy food, or that requires you to eat with
your hands or with chopsticks. Your attention should be on your
love interest, not on avoiding making a mess.

• Grown-ups are perfectly capable of ordering their own food, but

it is a nice gesture to let your date go first. The only exception is if

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Pages 82-94 not included in this preview
 8

OF ENEMIES & CONFLICT

I n the best of all possible worlds, one can go through life

without being hurt and without stepping on someone
else’s toes. Unfortunately, our everyday lives demonstrate
it is naïve to think this is possible. Devastating fires of conflict
can be ignited by the smallest friction, and sometimes even
tremendous efforts cannot put them out again. If things get out
of hand a previously warm relationship with a colleague or
friend, or even a family member, can turn to bitter silence. If
things go from bad to worse, you may have made an enemy.
This book on princely manners is a work of love, both in its
conception and in its mission, but it is necessary to be pragmatic
in one’s dealings with other people. The word “enemy” comes
from the French word ennemi – a distortion from the Latin inim-
icus (in – “not” and amicus “friend”). All the ancient books on

95
etiquette and manners recognise the necessity that some people
are assigned the status of “enemies” and that such people need
to be handled in particular ways. A “non-friend” may try to take
advantage of you or aim to make your life difficult out of envy
or spite. As a prince, you must learn to use good manners, and
to set strong boundaries, as a kind of martial arts against your
enemies. The best defence is to be kind and courteous in all
situations, but sometimes it is necessary to flex one’s social, or
emotional, muscles to set clear boundaries. Having said that,
never use your physical muscles to assert yourself, unless it is a
life-threatening situation. Also, if someone abuses you or
someone else, either physically or emotionally, it is no longer a
matter that can be solved by good manners. Notify the appro-
priate authorities and let the evil-doer face the consequences of
their actions.

• Select the appropriate time and place to engage, or be engaged

by, your enemy. Do not use the momentum of anger to hasten
your step.

• Choose your battles. Sometimes it is better to cede ground in the

small things in order to win the war.

• Avoid being defensive. Listen to the other side of the story

before you go on auto-defence. Defensiveness often brings escala-
tion, and that makes it more difficult to hold on to your dignity.

• Support your point of view with facts rather than feelings, for
facts are like cool rain on the fires of emotion. If there are no facts,
then could it be that your views are wrong?
• • •

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Pages 97-114 not included in this preview
 9

A PRINCE IN THE WORLD

T o be a prince in the world means that you know

yourself - your worth, as well as how to navigate any
kind of situation. You have tact and savoir-faire;
personal wit and ancient wisdom are your trusty allies; you call
a spade a spade, and you know whom to greet first in a room
full of ladies. However, more than anything, being a prince is to
be a gravitational centre and a provider of solid ground to
others. Being a prince does not mean that you get to boss people
around, on the contrary, it means a commitment to serve your
community by bringing more light and kindness into it. A
prince should not sit on a throne high above the people, no, he
should be a Primus inter Pares – “first among equals”; his place
is in the front to lead and to take the first blow in the never-

115
ending battle against injustice and barbarism. Manners will
take you far, and tact will get you further, but only the love for
your neighbour, and a commitment to kindness, will help you
achieve any lasting goals in life. The most worthy goal for a
prince is to develop the intelligence of his heart.
Here below is a selection of advice on etiquette and
manners, as well as an assortment of adages, quotes and
suggestions to contemplate. At the end of the chapter you will
find two edifying letters, and a few maxims, written by Philip
Stanhope - the 4th earl of Chesterfield.
Godspeed you, my fellow prince, I hope your path is straight
and that your heart remains open.

• This is the golden rule for any prince: Ladies first, gentlemen
second, princes last. Embroider it on a pillow or engrave it on a
ring! A lady of however “simple” background is always higher
ranking in social etiquette, treat her with the utmost kindness and
respect. Other gentlemen should be treated with the same degree
of respect, albeit maybe not with the same degree of attention.
Noblesse oblige - “with privilege comes responsibility”: princes
polish their crowns with the appreciation of others. The order of
precedence is thus: ladies - older or higher ranking gentlemen -
other gentlemen - You. Hold doors for all others, give up your
seat, especially to any lady or older gentleman, allow all else to be
served first, and yourself last.

• Do not be a snob! The word “snob” is believed to be an abbrevi-

ation of the two Latin words Sine Nobilitatis – “without nobility”.
Only the most pretentious people crave perfection in all external
circumstances. People of real quality are kind and tolerant, and
they strive to achieve inner perfection.
• • •

116
• Cultivate tact! In society, it will be an invaluable ally. Having
talent is a good start but it cannot take you to the greatest heights
if you do not also have tact. Talent is serious and respectable, but
tact is all that and more. Tact is not a sixth sense, but it is the
harmonious collaboration of all the other five. It is the open eye,
the quick reflex, the judging taste, the keen sense of smell, and the
lively touch. Tact it is the interpreter of riddles, the conqueror of
all difficulties and the remover of all obstacles. It is useful in all
places, and at all times! Talent is power, but tact is a skill. Talent is
weight, but tact is momentum. Talent knows what to do; tact
knows how to do it. Talent makes a man respectable; tact will
make him respected. Talent is wealth; tact is cash on hand. For all
practical purposes in society, tact carries against talent ten to one.

• Crede quod habes, et habes – “Believe that you have it, and you
have it.” In common parlance: “Fake it ‘til you make it.”

• Good looks are a blessing, but having good manners is a surer

way to win the hearts of others. Having good manners is the
secret behind the magnetism that we sometimes see in people
who are not gifted with physical beauty.

• The true secret of pleasing all the world is to have a humble

opinion of yourself. Real goodness is always accompanied by
gentleness, courtesy, and humility. Those people who are always
sticking on their dignity are set on a course to lose friends, make
enemies, and nurture a spirit of unhappiness in themselves.

• There is a Buddhist practice where one wishes happiness, safety,

good health and tranquillity to oneself and others. “May I be safe”
has the double meaning of wishing to be free from the threat of

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Pages 118-158 not included in this preview
 A NOTE ON ORIGINAL SPELLING AND
PRONOUNCIATION

I t may be useful for the reader to be aware that the English

language differs in pronunciation from most European
languages. The various mottos, adages and phrases given in
French, German, Latin or Greek, throughout this book, do not
sound good when pronounced in English. The author suggests
the use of modern technology, such as Youtube, or Google Trans-
late’s built-in audio examples, to get a good idea of how to
pronounce different sounds in different languages.

The consonants “R”, “G”, “J” and “T” are especially prone to
betray the English speaker.
“R” has a distinct rolling sound in English, while it is sharper
in Latin and Greek. and more guttural in French and German.

“G” can sometimes be pronounced very softly, almost like “DJEE”

in English and Italian.This is never the case in Latin and Greek.
The French language has it’s own version of a soft “G”.
• • •

159
The English pronunciation of “J” sounds like “DJEY” to the
European ear. Youtube and Google Translate can offer guides on
how to pronounce this consonant in other languages.

“T” is pronounced softer in the languages quoted in this book.

Of the English vowels: it is suggested that the reader take special

care when pronouncing non-English words.
“A”, pronounced in English, may sound like “EY” (as in “ate”)
or “Ä” (as in “at”) to a non-English speaker. Using these pronoun-
ciations will distort the real pronounciation of foreign words.
“I”, spoken in the English way, sometimes come across as
“EYE” (as in “regina”). Most European languages referenced in
this book pronounce this vowel closer to the English “EE”.
“E” is sometimes pronounced “EY” in English, especially if the
vowel is placed in the end of a word. Listen to French and Italian
to get a good idea of how to pronounce these vowels in foreign
languages.

The spelling of direct quotes from historical sources has been kept
as far as possible. The spelling of certain words has been changed
only when there was a risk of causing confusion to the contempo-
rary reader.

160
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I also warmly recommend the incomparably rich (and funny!)
blog Etiquipedia. Read it, love it and spread the word so that others
may find it!

164
 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

H.S.H. Prince Beau Freï Jean-Seraphine Caspar Melchior Baltazar

Augst Otto Glorifons Maxpaon Sacrélicorne von Fräähsen zu
Lorenzburg is a choreographer, performance artist, heraldic artist,
artistic researcher and writer currently based in Gothenburg,
Sweden. The author’s family history started with Laurens Bosson
Påfågel (Peacock) who was born in 1239.
 “It is my firm belief that people need myth and meaning to live fully.
We also need freedom, companionship, pleasure, drive and opportunities
to express ourselves. I was brought up on a nutritious diet of hearty food,
roleplaying games, fantasy books and the proximity to nature. For me,
growing up in Lorenzburg was a magical experience. I love the place
deeply, and that love is an inner compass needle which always points
towards Lorenzburg even when I travel around the world.
My job as prince is not to boss people around. Instead I aim to be a
sparkling and affirming campfire that signals: ’Come, sit here for a while.
Let your story unfold,and become the most kind and noble person you
can be.’
As The Prince of Lorenzburg I strive to to do whatever I can to
champion the universal human rights to live, love and learn freely and in
accordance with each individual’s nature and temperament. This is a
sacred task to me.”

Visit the author’s webpage for more information:

www.freivonfraahsen.se
Or contact the author on frej.von.fraahsen@gmail.com
FINIS CORONAT OPUS

169