My Journal(Whole December)

Before I start writing this journal the instruction was to write what happened to me in
the whole month but by weekly format and I would say my whole month was rough
as hell. So like I said to my introduction my whole month of December was hell,
School activities and my father died this was really a lot to take in for me especially it
was sudden from greeting him a happy birthday then after it became condolences this
whole month was really rough I can’t even say if I’ll survive this month, I’m
drowning and I have no one to tell, I even won’t tell my mom since I don’t want to be
a burden to my mom. I can’t even tell the time I’tll be almost one month that my
father died, time really flies fast. In this whole December I can’t feel Christmas nor
New Year this January every day I always feel empty like there is something missing,
I’m not showing any sign of sadness to my mom because I don’t want her to watch
me that I’m weakening, If I had the chance when I’m alone I’m always secretly crying
and then putting back a smile whenever I see my mom and brother. To summarize
everything, in this whole month I am depressed and empty, I can’t find anything that
will fill the void that I feel in my heart but I’m trying to be strong for my mom and
brother. I drank a lot and always remember my late father, his teachings, his voice,
and especially his laugh this whole month I’ve been missing him, I even have
thoughts that I wish it was me who passed away not my father since they’ll need my
father, for my brother to grow up and for my mother, I can’t be a father figure to my
brother if I’m being honest I lack a lot of things that my father has so I wished it was
me,a and it will also be a huge cutback for the expenses but I’m the one here now so
I’ll do my best to be a father figure to my brother and continue the legacy of my late
father even though this whole month is full of mourning and grief we shall still
continue to live on. December hit me so really hard, I also even had thoughts of
getting revenge to that person, My brain can’t really function well because of this
incident but luckily there are people who calmed me down and supressed my
bloodlust towards the person who had been included in the collision and it was one of
my teachers Sir James Masinda if he hadn’t enlighten me and cleared my mind that
was clashing with huge waves and having unthinkable thoughts I would been in jail
right now but thanks to my teachers and friends I thought it thoroughly and came to a
conclusion that my idea of getting revenge on other people is not a lesson that my late
father taught me so I calmed down and forget those thoughts and made a decision to
live for my mother and for my brother